azukilynn

[azukilynn]

stars watched

-

near a riverbank

atop a bed of soft, green moss

trees and flowers

listened in their silent way

of listening

as eyes met eyes

as skin grew hot

as lips traveled

as hands unzipped

unbuttoned

undid

-

stars watched in wonder

as i laid myself bare

beside her

above her

inside her

-

wind whispered

as moans met fervor

as fingers grew drenched

with desire

-

some nocturnal bird

decided to call out, shrilly

as hips moved faster

as need grew stronger

as her teeth dug into my shoulder

as her nails dug into my back

my upper arms

my thighs

-

some, small creature made a rustling noise

as she came, and came

in waves

very like an ocean

-

a pool of moonlight held us

as i gasped against her breastbone:

you are my holy fire

-

azuki lynn

[azukilynn]

[azukilynn]

Have you ever, in retrospect, been grateful to someone who you had an adversarial relationship with? Someone who treated you unfairly? Someone you wanted to like, but just couldn't? I have. Because the experience of dealing with such a person has helped me gain necessary skills both at work and in my personal life. I challenged myself to persevere and not give up no matter how bad things got, no matter how unfair they were, no matter how much they hurt, and I did it. I stayed the course. It's given me insight into how to deal with different situations more positively, how to take things less personally, and most of all, it's given me a great sense of pride in my ability to push through. I am not bitter or resentful now when I think of my 'adversary'. At times, I even smile when I think of her, and I wish her well. This is growth, and I'm grateful for it.

[azukilynn]

Be still, my lonely, thrumming heart, your day will come…

Whether it be here, or beyond the veil of time. It will come.

Azuki Lynn

— • —

Moved to tears by the grace and beauty of this cover of a timeless Bonnie Raitt song. Stunning.

[azukilynn]

Jade Moon

-

She whispers moss-green secrets in my ear

Asks me deep questions

Never fails to carry through on any plan

She has Goddess vibes, yet a shy girl's smile

Compelling, story-filled eyes

-

She laughs green-leaf laughter

Good fortune is her creed

The earth smiles where she places her feet

The wind dances alongside her

-

She thinks sea-green thoughts

Life is her wave to ride

She is gentle, sweet, yet fierce

She is clothed in mysterious light

-

Wearing charms made of star-stuff,

She is the jewel of every heart's desire

She gleams inside the night

Her soul, a steady fire

-

Azuki Lynn

[azukilynn]

All of You

-

You of sadness

You of poetic soul

You of lonely heart

You of generous spirit

You of loving eyes

You of longing

You of desire

You of flame

You of you

You of me

-

Stop now, listen

Look to my words

See, I know you well

-

Azuki Lynn

[azukilynn]

[azukilynn]

Allow things to be messy.

Be still on the inside.

Do not be afraid.

Take it easy.

~

Azuki Lynn

[azukilynn]

every little thing

-

i didn't mean to feel

the way i felt

when i saw you—really saw you

through the ages, all my ages

all the ages of this world

-

i didn't mean to see you

somehow know you

without really knowing the You

who inhabits

THIS lifetime—THIS timeline

this version of the world

-

i never told my heart

to skip a beat (or two, or three)

but it did—

-

when you looked up

when you reached out

everything changed

every little thing

-

all i want now

is for this (and for you)

to be okay

-

azuki lynn

[azukilynn]

now that spring has come

gardeners are busy bees

blooms rise from decay

~

azuki lynn

[azukilynn]

all silences are broken

-

i'm standing

in this piny, oaky place

leaves and needles

a foot thick (at least)

the air is ripe with with silence

-

there's an owl feather

resting near my feet

somehow, the sun has found it

beneath these many trees

i feel myself wanting to take it

this beautiful bit of FREE

-

i stand there

for the longest time

gazing up into the blue

between branches

breathing slow, deep breaths

-

the light changes

clouds are moving in

a single, loud caw rings out

i look down, longingly

in an almost prayerful pose

-

i step away

crunch, crunch, crunch

caw, caw, caw

-

the noisy crow is following me

i've left the feather behind

i carry its image inside

the light changes

yet again

-

all silences are broken

the crow chuckles

as i amble off

ha, ha, ha

-

azuki lynn

[azukilynn]

[azukilynn]

Recent trauma has me reeling in unexpected ways. How I broke when I got the call at three a.m., she was gone. Even though I knew it was coming, I crumbled. I caved, cracked, exploded, withered, and disintegrated, but I did not weep. That came before and afterwards. Tonight, I can find no rest, no glue to hold myself together. I am tired, so very tired of this vast and wretched loneliness. Perhaps I am, once and for all, beyond any hope of repair. It is possible to fracture one's soul. I truly believe that now. There's not a damn thing for it. Life goes on, stubbornly, without mercy, it struggles just to be. It doesn't have to mean anything at all. I am no longer sure I care one way or the other. I plod along like a ghost of myself, a kind ghost, an occasionally funny ghost, but a ghost nonetheless. The call came shortly after I had fallen asleep, my first real sleep in days. And even though I knew her time was near, it tore my soul asunder. The fact that I'd been doing so much better feels like a distant memory to me now. What I have learned is this: Trauma triggers grief.

Azuki Lynn, March 10, 2025

[azukilynn]

[azukilynn]

[azukilynn]

You can be a strong person, yet still be laid low. That is where I am. The trauma I have experienced over the past couple of weeks has elicited severe depression, I believe understandably so. Knowing the 'why' of it doesn't help when you are someone like me who feels like a failure for being weak, needing care, wanting to not be alone, even for a little while. It hasn't been this bad in a long time, not since Rose died. People tell me to just focus on taking care of myself, but what if I can't do that? I am completely fed up with this basic survival mode nonsense. In this moment, I do not wish to exist. My life feels inconsequential. I'm not gonna off myself. That's not an option. But I don't wanna be here. What is the point? To fight and fight and fail. To not feel loved or needed. I am as low as I can ever recall being in my lifetime. Words like 'strength' and 'resilience' are just words. My ears are tired of hearing them. My heart hurts. Everything hurts.

[azukilynn]