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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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Coping With Your Experience With a Narcissist: A Helpful Guideline Through Recent Song Releases

Be Careful, Invasion of Privacy, Cardi B 2018

“Be careful with me, do you know what you doin’? Whose feelings that you’re hurtin’ and bruisin’?” No. A narcissist either doesn’t know or simply doesn’t care whose feelings they hurt. Narcissists are arrogant, they lack empathy and consideration for other people, they are self centered, and are extremely insecure individuals. They never apologize and play the victim role to an extraordinary T. And Cardi B is harping on some important points regarding these disturbing people: “It’s blatant disrespect, you nothin’ like the nigga I met.” Narcissists have a great way of portraying different versions of themselves, depending on whose life they’re setting out to ruin. After dealing with my own experiences with narcissists, this song spoke to me for multiple reasons: one, people like me, empaths with an extreme sense of loyalty, naivete, and innocent trust in others are extremely fragile. When Cardi asks to be taught to not give a fuck and when she says her heart is fragile like a package: I felt that. This was the reason, at first, I would skip over the song after she released her entire album. I felt guilty, stupid, and goofy for relating so much to being the person bruised by so many narcissists. This is often the case for many people, who feel as though they are the ones with the deep rooted issues and not the narcissist who, quite frankly, are extremely abusive, manipulative, and downright nasty. My advice would be: don’t skip this song! It’s okay to admit that someone is hurting you; it’s okay to admit that you are sweet and fragile. You aren’t the problem; your soul and spirit is what attracts these people. They want what you have: to be pure in intent and loved for qualities they simply don’t possess. You have a right to tell others to be careful with you, your heart, and your being!

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3uG4T8pJfw

Nice For What, Single, Drake 2018

The chorus, which is a sample from Lauryn Hill’s “Ex-Factor” is basically calling out for their abusive narcissist. “Care for me, care for me, you said you’d care for me.” Often narcissists make shallow promises and agree to do things for people just to get what they want. They usually never hold true to their words and when you bring up their failures to follow through, they can become quite crafty in making you seem naive or stupid for believing their lies. “Why won’t you live for me?” A narcissist only lives for themselves. They surround themselves with an abundance of meaningless and superficial relationships and friendships for which they can control and manipulate to fit their selfish little worlds. They don’t live for these people either and they damn sure won’t live for your beautiful soul. Substance is something that a narcissist will happily and willingly lack in order to control the people around them. So Lauryn, I’m sorry, but they don’t really care about those tears and pleas. Drake eventually enters in and is speaking to a lot of truths, but the lyrics that really stuck out to me were, of course, “You gotta, be nice for what, to these niggas? I understand.” If you’re thinking about using pleas and reasoning to get to a narcissist and make them understand how they’ve hurt you: stop. Not only will it not work, a narcissist will throw your emotions back into your face and laugh behind your back for being a person with feelings! Ask yourself, why are you reasoning with a demon? I know it’s in your nature, it’s in mine too, but Drake is right: why DO we have to be nice to these niggas? Answer: we don’t! Fuck them! I know it’s hard because you just don’t get how someone could be so void of compassion. But you have to do it! And once you do, oh hunny! You’re freeing up so much space for other people like you to enter your life. A narcissist, no matter how sweet the memories or talk they try to spew, aren’t worth your tears or pleas.

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9BwWKXjVaI

I Like That, Dirty Computer, Janelle Monae 2018

Now, this song doesn’t seem to have as a direct correlation to narcissists like the other two. In fact, it doesn’t really mention another person other than the haters in her childhood. But what this song does do is encourage confidence, empowerment, and self-love: all of which are the best weapons against a narcissist. This is essential and key to moving on and allowing yourself to heal after this experience. Moreover, it drives a narcissist crazy! These people believe they have the ability to destroy people emotionally and mentally; so when they see you living your best life, unbothered, and confident in the direction you’re going they will do everything in their power to try and hurt you. This may often come of as a competition for the narcissist as well. “You’re happy without me? Well let me show you how much more happier I am without you!” They use this as a way to manipulate you into feeling distraught, insecure, and lonely. But heed what Janelle says, “I always knew I was the shit!” You are the shit! You were the shit before this person and you will be after them. This behavior is only a manifestation of their own insecurities. Because they no longer have access to your pureness and good attributes they will try everything in their power to make you believe you aren’t a gem: a gem worth keeping and cherishing. These lyrics, “Told the whole world, I’m the venom and the antidote. Take a different type of girl to keep the whole world afloat”, are what you are! You are what a narcissist both hates and needs; and despite the bullshit they may put you through, you still persevere.

Youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uovntV3ZMDc

Miosha Page, 2018

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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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Coping With Your Experience With a Narcissist: A Helpful Guideline Through Recent Song Releases

Be Careful, Invasion of Privacy, Cardi B 2018

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3uG4T8pJfw

Nice For What, Single, Drake 2018

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9BwWKXjVaI

I Like That, Dirty Computer, Janelle Monae 2018

Youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uovntV3ZMDc

Miosha Page, 2018

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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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Coping With Your Experience With a Narcissist: A Helpful Guideline Through Recent Song Releases

Be Careful, Invasion of Privacy, Cardi B 2018

“Be careful with me, do you know what you doin'? Whose feelings that you're hurtin' and bruisin'?” No. A narcissist either doesn’t know or simply doesn’t care whose feelings they hurt. Narcissists are arrogant, they lack empathy and consideration for other people, they are self centered, and are extremely insecure individuals. They never apologize and play the victim role to an extraordinary T. And Cardi B is harping on some important points regarding these disturbing people: “It's blatant disrespect, you nothin' like the nigga I met.” Narcissists have a great way of portraying different versions of themselves, depending on whose life they’re setting out to ruin. After dealing with my own experiences with narcissists, this song spoke to me for multiple reasons: one, people like me, empaths with an extreme sense of loyalty, naivete, and innocent trust in others are extremely fragile. When Cardi asks to be taught to not give a fuck and when she says her heart is fragile like a package: I felt that. This was the reason, at first, I would skip over the song after she released her entire album. I felt guilty, stupid, and goofy for relating so much to being the person bruised by so many narcissists. This is often the case for many people, who feel as though they are the ones with the deep rooted issues and not the narcissist who, quite frankly, are extremely abusive, manipulative, and downright nasty. My advice would be: don’t skip this song! It’s okay to admit that someone is hurting you; it’s okay to admit that you are sweet and fragile. You aren’t the problem; your soul and spirit is what attracts these people. They want what you have: to be pure in intent and loved for qualities they simply don’t possess. You have a right to tell others to be careful with you, your heart, and your being!

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3uG4T8pJfw

Nice For What, Single, Drake 2018

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9BwWKXjVaI

I Like That, Dirty Computer, Janelle Monae 2018

Youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uovntV3ZMDc

Miosha Page, 2018

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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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Let’s Talk: Racism and Queers: Toxic Interracial Dynamics and Internalized Hate, Pt. 1

“White girls are just much more easier to get your way with.” Or so, that’s what I’ve been told. No, this wasn’t a man who told me this; more specifically it wasn’t a black man, which I think most people would believe to be the case. It was a woman: a black woman, a black lesbian, a black dominant lesbian. We engaged in an interesting conversation about why she felt white women were easier to be with, about why she felt black women were amazing as single entities but not in relationships for this reason. Moreover, our conversation brought a very important realization to my mind: she wasn’t the only one who felt this way. She, a dominant, black lesbian, wasn’t the only one who felt this way. I asked another friend who had similar characteristics what she believed and she agreed; she gave an outlined argument for why this preference for white women was so prominent. I engaged with my own thoughts for months, going back and forth, trying to theorize and come up with evidence to explain why. I had conversations, in my head, with these women: black dominant women, white feminine women, and black feminine women. I thought, “what would be their arguments?”, “how would they interact with this dialogue?” I also asked myself, “how do white feminine women feel about this? Do they know? Are they okay? Are they endorsing this doctrine, even at the demise of their own safety and autonomy as women?” I can imagine an understanding from all of these women, on the experiences of one another, and, optimistically, the development of a coalition determined to take this conversation to others.

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“Well, maybe black femme women just don’t really understand what it’s like to be a dominant black woman in the queer community. Black women in general are strong, independent women. And I think that dominant black women need women who are easier to get along with and who can highlight some parts of their identity (the masculine parts) instead of trying to be the same as them. Does that make sense?”

Tori turns up her nose as Nicki asks this question. What does she mean that black femme women don’t understand dominant black women? How can she, a white woman, say that a black woman doesn’t understand another black woman? Moreover, what does she mean by “be the same as them?” We are the same. We’re black women.

“Nicki, I see where you’re coming from. But that place is a place of really harmful toxic masculinity. I also don’t think all black women adhere to this strong, aggressive, masculine trope that’s represented in every aspect of society. Some black women, whether they are femme or dominant, can be passive. We aren’t all headstrong panthers, ready to pounce at any moment. We have much more dimension than that.”

Tori felt like her response was reasonable. There’s so much more she wants to say, but its a civil discussion of ideas and experiences. She doesn’t want to seem to be exactly what Nicki was describing: an angry, aggressive black woman.

“Oh I agree Tori. I’m definitely not saying that all black women are the same and I don’t think that black women who don’t identify on a masculine spectrum are masculine at all. I’m just pointing out that usually black dominant women who seek feminine partners may see compatibility with what they may deem as more feminine, which in many cases means white women.”

“I’d like to interject.” I begin to gather my thoughts about their short interaction thus far. “I think you’re both bringing up some important points. Black women, no matter if they identify as more masculine or feminine, are seen as more masculine than white women. This has a lot to do with harmful hegemonic racial ideals which masculinizes black and brown skin and feminizes white skin. This ideal intersects with a toxic hypermasculinity that is unique to black queer women and our relationships. The need to be seen as more dominant prompts some black women to seek out the most feminine partner they can, this partner being of course white women, who adhere to what femininity is “suppose” to be. I know this may be a vague explanation of what you both are hinting at, but its a huge crux of the dilemma we’re faced with regarding interracial queer relationships and this juxtaposition of white femme and black femme women. I’d like to hear Kat’s perspective, though, as a black dominant woman who has had relationships with white femme women.”

“I find this particular topic interesting. I’ve never thought of myself as having a preference to be honest. However, now that I look at it from Nicki’s perspective, there are certain ways in which white women have provided me with more of what I’m looking for as opposed to black women.”

“Please elaborate,” Tori responds.

“I just think that white women are easier to get along with. They don’t badger me as much. I don’t have to deal with all of the things I would if I were dating a black woman. Black women come with so much baggage. I would know, I’m a black woman.”

“What kind of baggage?” Tori asks. At this point, Nicki feels a little alienated from the conversation. This, she believes, is a discussion best left between two black women. She knows the ways in which Kat is thinking of baggage and her interjection as a white woman would not only be misplaced but distracting from getting to root of the ways in which black queer women are affected by racism, society’s idea of femininity, and masculinity. Moreover, her queer experience isn’t representative of either of these women’s. She stays quiet.

“You know what I’m talking about. Black women go through so much. We see these standards of beauty in the media from the moment we’re able to form words. We deal with abuse at higher rates than white girls, we deal with being teased for our hair, our skin, and our features. Can you imagine being in a relationship with another person carrying all of that with them? I’m not saying it’s not possible, but it’s hard, you know. I don’t have to think about that when I’m with white women. I don’t have to think about how much pain or damage she’s carrying around. She’s just carefree and I like that. It makes me feel like I’m carefree too.”

“But you know Kat,” Tori starts, “the ways in which you carry that baggage and I carry that baggage is different. You’re saying you would just prefer white women, why do you think that is? It’s more than feeling like you’re carefree, you’ve been indoctrinated to find them more beautiful, too. You mentioned how as black girls we see these European standards of beauty. While many black femme women try to replicate these standards, you prefer to date them because of how you represent your identity as a dominant lesbian. You know, that’s the difference. And you can do that, because masculinity and dominance is deemed attractive for black people, for black people interested in white women. I don’t have the same room for dating. I’m picked off by both black and white dominant women because I represent a femininity that isn’t the norm, that isn’t white. You get what I’m saying?”

“I’m not saying black women aren’t attractive! I didn’t even mention looks really. Okay, you may have a point that white women are seen as the most attractive because how we look at femininity, but that’s not how I look at it. Black women are beautiful, we have so much beauty in our skin, in our features. We age well, we’re talented! Black femme women are that shit, period. But it’s more than that. I think we look for more than that in a partner. Would I marry a white woman? I’m not sure. Would I marry a black woman? I’m more sure that I would. But right now, white women give something that black women can’t. I don’t know how else to explain it so that it make senses.”

“White women are easy and can be manipulated,” Tori snorts.

“I think I’ll interject here. But first, I’ll ask Nicki if she wants to comment? She’s been left out the discussion for quite some time.” Nicki shakes her head no. I’m not sure how she’s feeling, but I appreciate her willingness to let them talk it out. “I’m picking up some more important points that stem from our experiences as black girls and black women. You’re both coming from similar perspectives about beauty. Tori is right, though, on how they manifest differently among black queer women, depending on their identity. As a black femme woman myself, it can be quite challenging to navigate a community where blackness is often seen as more masculine. I’ve had experiences with other queer women, some white, some mixed race, some lighter in complexion, who would try to force me into the role of a dominant partner just because of my blackness. I also think that Kat brings up a considerably salient idea surrounding carefreeness. I think white women are privileged in being able to be carefree. They’re privileged in being able to not have as much baggage as black women coming into relationships. And yes, that feels extremely good as the opposite partner, because its more fun. It’s easier to break down walls and barriers. But this is harmful for many ways. I’ll highlight two. Black femme women don’t have the support to cope with their pasts or with the oppressions they face in the present, based on what you’ve said, Kat. As a black dominant woman who dates white women, you have the support to kind of deal with it. You can let go and be somewhat free because you have a partner who enables that healing for you. Who heals black femme women? Who listens to black femme women? Who helps us break down our walls? We’re expected to heal, but not to be healed back. We’re expected to be wives and mothers, only after we’ve done the dirty work of healing ourselves. You want to reap the benefits of a healed black woman, but you didn’t help us get to that point. Moreover, this denies white femme women the opportunity to deal with their own traumas. If you have this idea that all white women are carefree, you’re erasing a large group of women who don’t feel they’re carefree at all. When can they cry? When can they complain? This pressure to be an open, carefree book can be harmful to their healing and coping as well.”

“From what I’m hearing, black women are suffering in ways I could never understand,” Nicki finally speaks again. “I’ll admit, my privilege hasn’t allowed me to see anything other than a surface view of this. I think I’ll have to sit back some more and listen on that part. And to acknowledge the masculinity and femininity tension: yes, I think white femme women may seek out black women as dominant partners. And it has a lot to do with how we equate race to feminine or masculine qualities, which I think is a point that has been said over and over again in our discussion. I know white women won’t want to admit it, but I’m here telling it how I see it now. And it can be fetishy, yes. And it can be detrimental, absolutely. And I’m not saying that you can’t love a person for just the person. But that’s a privileged way of thinking. We would be extremely obtuse as white women not to think about and acknowledge the reasons why this dynamic exists and how we play an extremely harmful role in it. I’ve never thought about this until now.”

“But don’t white femme also seek out white dominant partners? I just don’t see how race has anything to do with that part.”

“Kat, yes, you’re right. Femme women who want dominant partners, would seek out a partner no matter the race. But that’s not the point I think Tori is trying to make. I think the point is that when white femme women are seeking out dominant partners and black dominant women are seeking out femme partners, that’s when race can come into play. Like, you know? It’s confusing, but I’m starting to get it.”

“I get what Nicki is saying, and I agree, that’s part of my point. It’s not so much ‘Oh, you have a white partner, that means xy and z.’ It’s more so the reasons that are always given are at the core of the issue. You can love who you love without saying they’re better based on extremely toxic, oppressive, and racially charged stereotypes. That’s the point. That’s where it hurts. I don’t care if you love this person, but you have to think about the reasons why. And if you’re talking mad shit about black women or comparing black women to white women, do you really love that person? And why do you have to harm black women in the process?”

“So saying white women are better to get along with is hurtful?”

“Yes.”

“Saying black women are good to marry but not date, right now, is harmful?”

“Definitely.”

“Saying that white women are easier to manipulate?”

“Obviously.”

“No one says that.”

“People do, I’ve heard women say that.”

“That’s not what we mean when we say white women are easier to be with.”

“Then what the hell do you mean?”

“I explained what I meant.”

“Let’s pause.” I saw things becoming too left. “We’ve established, I think, a good dialogue. But Kat, do you feel like you’re under attack? That’s not what we want. Your experiences and opinions are valid. Let’s take a moment to hear how Kat is reflecting on our discussion.”

“I don’t feel under attack. I feel uncomfortable, like somehow I’m being demonized. There’s a reason why some black women may feel the way that I do and I think our experiences are important. Just like Tori’s experience as a black woman has established how painful it can be when we compare and pit women against each other. I understand that it hurts. I never think that’s the intent we are going after. I agree, we shouldn’t contrast women in an effort to explain why we love who we love. That’s wrong. But it’s also wrong to deny people the right to have some preferences, ya know?”

I ponder on this for a moment. I speak before Nicki or Tori has the opportunity to. “Kat, you’re right in that people can have preferences. But when those preferences are rooted in something such as race or something that’s correlated to race, its no longer a preference. I think we can all agree how harmful it is “preferencing” someone because of their race or the attributes we believe they possess because of their race.”

“I agree with that definitely.”

“Maybe you’re uncomfortable because you’re seeing the toxic nature of dynamics you’ve been in. I feel uncomfortable too. I’m sure Tori does too. We are unlearning and learning ways in which we interact.”

“Nicki is right. No one here is a terrible person. But the only way we can start these discussions is by making ourselves and our ideals vulnerable.”

“I see and I understand. I’m happy that we can talk all of this out. I still feel uncomfortable and I’m sure as I continue to unlearn more the feeling won’t fade. I hope that leads to more, though, and we can find solidarity with one another.”

“Agreed.”

“Yes, I agree.”

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This is how the conversation always ends; it is limited in my head and there’s so much more to explore. This dialogue can be extended out to others; it can cover several other topics, dynamics, and ideas. This is something that I will continue to reflect upon as a black queer femme woman engaging constantly with other queer women. My internal dialogue, I hope, will manifest itself with and between these women and from it an alliance built on concern, exchanges, and solutions.

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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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White

Last night I dreamt of this interaction. I don’t know who the people speaking are. I don’t what the link is. And while I’m not really in tune with dreams, I know that they reflect what is happening in our personal narratives. So if anyone could possibly help me decipher what’s going on in this conversation, I would appreciate it.

Background: I’m about to graduate college, the first in my immediate family to graduate from a large university. I feel nervous, scared, anxious. I cry most days because I’m uncertain of what my life will be like afterwards. I’m unsure. This has had a negative affect on my friendships and relationships. I feel as though I don’t have much support emotionally or mentally, even though I do have people in my corner generally. Maybe this blank webpage is a reflection of my life after graduation: something that can be molded into whatever I want, coded in a way that best fits me and my interests. That’s the positive view, the optimistic part of me hoping and grasping onto something that will be worthwhile post undergrad. The other me, the pessimism in me, however, looks at this blank webpage as an end. What if this all I was meant to do? What if there is no good amount of programming or coding that will make me into something better, into something great? I feel unsettled about a lot of things that have happened recently in my life. I feel unsettled about where I’m heading. I don’t have the motivation or affirmation to continue on this way. Something’s got to give. Someone, anyone has to help at some point.

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“Click the link.”

“What is it a link to?”

“Just click it.”

“But I don’t know what it is. What if it’s a virus?”

“It won’t be a virus. Just click it and find out.”

“What if my computer crashes?”

“It won’t. Click it.”

*clicks link*

“Well, what is it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“What do you mean? What does nothing mean?”

“It’s nothing. The screen is just white.”

“It’s just white? Let me see.”

“It’s just white.”

“It is just white. It’s just white.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“You told me to click it.”

“I did.”

“Did you know it would be just white?”

“No.”

“Did you know anything about the link?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then why did you tell me to click it?”

“I don’t know.”

#depression #depressed #writer #blackwriter #detroit #art #dreams #anxiety #sadness #pessimism #optimism #growth #life

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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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100 Words 肉付きの良い女性 Fat lady

“[insert food item]を一つお願いします。” This was the phrase I became familiar with during my time in Japan. Outside of class or field trips, the summer I spent four weeks in Tokyo was one where I gained an exponential amount of weight. Everyone told me beforehand that I would lose weight because Japanese dishes were so small but it was quite the contrary. I felt so fat and uncomfortable my entire trip. Top that off with being 1 of 3 black people in your program and probably the only black girl most Japanese people saw in real life; quite the experience.

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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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hey lesbians what’s the typical “straight guy” thing u do that u pull off way better than any man? personally i’m a hot jock who manspreads when she sits and sleeps in boxers

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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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“i thought i could grow, i thought it would be easy. i thought i could change, i thought the move would set me free.”

— a.m. // i moved my life 3,000 miles away but my mind stayed stuck.

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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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Vincent Van Gogh, The Starry Night / Olive Trees, 1889, MoMA / Museum of Modern Art, New York

The Olive Trees are the daylight complement to the nocturnal Starry Night. In fact, Vincent Van Gogh wrote to his brother Theo: “I did a landscape with olive trees and also a new study of a starry sky”. In these two paintings, Van Gogh went beyond what he called “the photographic and silly perfection of some painters”.

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ALL OUT is out!

I have a new story out today! It’s called “New Year” and is part of the anthology All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages, edited by Saundra Mitchell.

All Out has gotten some stellar reviews, which is no wonder since it includes such talented writers as Anna-Marie McLemore, Robin Talley, Mackenzi Lee, Tess Sharpe, Sara Farizan, and more. Here’s some of the praise:

★ “A historical-fiction anthology shines the spotlight on queer teens, from as far back as the 1300s up to the turn of the 21st century. … The vast majority come to life through sumptuous language, plentiful historical detail, and satisfying endings. Most stories acknowledge—and sometimes directly deal with—the hardships of being queer in these settings, but that’s not the focus here. Instead, the collection centers on adventure, first love, and self-discovery. … Readers searching for positive, nuanced, and authentic queer representation—or just a darn good selection of stories—need look no further than this superb collection.” — Kirkus, starred review

“From the forests of fourteenth-century England to Massachusetts on the eve of Y2K, this anthology waltzes through history, infusing it with the oft-overlooked—and much-needed—narratives of queer teens. Through an alluring blend of genres and a diverse array of YA authors—including Malinda Lo, Alex Sanchez, Robin Talley, and Mackenzi Lee—these 17 short stories explore crushes and coming out, runaways and revelations, narrow escapes and enchanted evenings. … LGBTQIA story collections are scarce, but even if they weren’t, this one would be essential.” — Booklist

“The diversity is refreshing: it’s not just white history being told and there is a deaf character fighting alongside Robin Hood. … Malinda Lo’s “New Year” really captures the slow discovery by young Lily on Lunar New Year of an underground of queer folk like her.” — School Library Journal

My story, “New Year” — which is set around the Chinese New Year festival in 1955 San Francisco — is about a Chinese American girl named Lily who realizes, for the first time, that queerness is a possibility that exists in the world. It’s a story about waking up to a real world that was previously hidden. It’s about becoming aware of what might also be hidden inside yourself.

The initial idea for “New Year" came from the book Rise of the Rocket Girls by Nathalia Holt, which tells the story of the women computers who worked at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena in the 1940s and 1950s. One of those computers was a Chinese American woman named Helen Ling. I began to imagine her as an inspiring figure in the life of a girl — perhaps she was the aunt of a teen girl who also dreamed of working on rocket ships.

At the same time, I’d been reading about queer San Francisco history for a different project, and I learned that there were numerous lesbian bars (and a lively lesbian community) in the North Beach neighborhood in the 1950s — barely two blocks away from Chinatown. I began to imagine a chance encounter between a Chinese American girl from Chinatown and a lesbian from North Beach. Surely, their paths could have easily crossed.

Take that chance encounter and mix it up with my rocket-ship-loving teen girl, and you get “New Year.”

You may (or may not!) remember that last year I also sold a new novel, and that novel is about a Chinese American girl in 1950s San Francisco. “New Year” is the origin of that novel idea! I’m actually halfway through writing it right now, and although the novel has expanded significantly from the original story and changed in many ways, “New Year” is still the root of the novel. So if you want a sneak peek at my next book, this is it.

ALL OUT is available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, IndieBound, or iBooks. I hope you enjoy it!

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blackpythongeni-blog · 7 years ago

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I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.

Oscar Wilde (via purplebuddhaquotes)

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Young, Black, and Gay: Navigating My Queerness in the 21st Century, A-Z

Inspired by Audre Lorde’s Zami: A New Spelling of My Name, Chapter 23

AC/DC

‘We were part of the “freaky” bunch of lesbians who weren’t into role-playing.’ (Audre, Lorde, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name, 178). I’m pansexual and I still get strange looks and opinions from my lesbian friends. Femmes are a little more accepting of me liking men. Studs, however, are more likely to be turned off. Audre Lorde said during her time women like me, who didn’t adhere to role-playing, were called AC/DC or Ky-Ky, prostitutes basically.

Black and Beautiful

I’m grateful to live during a time where I’m able to be more secure in my blackness, to think of it as beautiful. Audre Lorde, although I’m sure she loved herself and her blackness, wasn’t as fortunate. To live during her time as a young black woman must have been a constant act of self-love. “Diane was fat, and Black, and beautiful, and knew it long before it become fashionable to think so.” (Lorde, 177).

College

“I realized in profound shock that someone else besides me in the Village gay-girl scene was a closet student at one of the Uptown colleges.” (Lorde, 177). College and the Village gay scene was starkly separate in Lorde’s time in New York. In Ann Arbor, it’s completely acceptable to mix the two; that’s the only way I was able to finally come out.

Downtown

There are two places in Downtown Ann Arbor that I know of that have gay nights, Necto and Candy. Necto has gay nights every Friday, Candy every Thursday. Near Downtown Detroit, there’s a gay bar/club called The Woodward.

Eight Street

Audre says they were “the invisible but visible sisters”; they acknowledged their common identities as lesbians by passing and not speaking. I’m not really sure who’s queer or not when I’m walking down the street. I myself don’t “look” queer, as I’m told. I mostly use Tinder or HER to find black queer women near me anyways.

Flee

Flee and Lorde were the only black lesbians in Lorde’s circle. She says they often found themselves sleeping with other women, mostly white women. Most of my queer friends say they prefer white women. When I see their Tinders, the lack of black matches is disturbing to me. That means I’m not getting enough right swipes. Maybe that’s why my matches are so low.

Gay

Audre Lorde says she’s gay. She often conflates the term with lesbian in her writing. I don’t actually use the term to describe myself. I much more prefer the term queer, although I’ve found I have more interest in women than anyone else. I guess maybe I’m gay or lesbian, but queer doesn’t sound as definite to me.

Hostile To Us

I haven’t been met with hostility, yet. I think it’s because I’m privileged in the way I look.

I Was Stylish Enough to Be Noticed

I very carefully select my Tinder and HER pictures. The clothes, the makeup, and the hair is all important when deciding which ones to upload. Tinder also lets you upload a snippet of your favorite song. That too determines the style of my page and whether or not I’ll get right swipes.

Junkie Friends

There’s this stereotype that people in the queer community are junkies. Apparently we smoke and drink a lot and party is a word that should be all too familiar to us. I don’t like to party, I don’t do drugs, and I prefer Netflix at home. This is also the case for the majority of my queer friends. We don’t go out nearly as much as Lorde describes of her own young life. Not nearly.

Ky-Ky

I heard this term for the first time in my Queer History class, a class I took because I met my professor at a cafe last semester and thought she was great. I read it again in Zami: A New Spelling of My Name. It’s also my cat’s nickname.

Land of Black People

Only my immediate family knows that I’m queer. It’s still not openly accepted in the black community. I still get hit on by men who aren’t even aware of my sexual identity, and they probably wouldn’t respect it if they were. I’ve seen my stud friends get hit on, even though obviously they aren’t interested in men. It’s like navigating a field of mines.

Muff-Diving

I’m not even sure what this really means. If I could ask Audre Lorde, I would. What is a muff and why are lesbian women diving? What’s the modern equivalent?

Not Enough of Us

There’s really not a lot of openly black queer women in Ann Arbor, that I know of. This can get lonely. Lorde says there weren’t enough in her community, too. I wonder if she would have liked Tinder to help with that.

Our Fewness, Our Rarity

It still really bothers me that there aren’t a lot of us out here. Sometimes I want to talk about my queerness without feeling like a freak or bother among my straight friends. I’m not even asking for most of the time. We’re even rare on Tinder, although it does provide some relief.

Perhaps Our Strength

However, like Audre Lorde suggests, maybe our strength is in our rarity. The connections and sisterhoods I have created are strong and loving and extraordinary.

Queer

This term was used mostly among middle class white gay men back in the day. Then it became derogatory, and now we’ve adopted it again. I like the word and I like to use it to describe myself.

Recognized Ourselves as Exotic

Everytime a white woman shows interest in me, it’s quite fetishy. They have this persona that’s a complete dupe of black men’s harmful cis hypermasculinity, as if to say this is what I want as a black woman. If I wanted to date a sexist black man, I would date a sexist black man. I don’t need or want that in a woman. What a turn off.

Straight Black Girlfriends

My girlfriends are extremely supportive of me and my identity. I think it has a lot to do with the time that we all grew up, much more open-minded. Lorde’s friends seemed to tolerate her loving women. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that. I would simply not have straight friends. To tolerate a person isn’t friendship at all.

To Look Femme

I don’t intentionally try to be labelled as femme. I don’t intentionally try to look femme. I like other femme women. I like women in general, whether they’re femme, stud, stem, or none of the above.

Usually White Women

Turns out white women are usually the ones who get the most right swipes on Tinder. They’re usually the ones who black women choose to engage with sexually, first. They’re usually the gateway, at least for the black women I know, into the queer scene. That wasn’t the case for me and I feel confused and disturbed that white women are usually the face of desirable femme queerness. Am I not cute too? And don’t us having similar experiences as black women make me a better candidate in understanding you as a person?

Village gay-girl

The Village, to me, seems like it has been recreated as a paradise for queer people. However, in my Queer History class, there are a lot of disparities between white and black queer people. While Lorde suggests an active sex life with white women, which I’m sure is true, I can’t help but think about how difficult being black and queer in the Village was.

We Discovered and Explored

I’m still discovering and I’m still exploring. Like Lorde: sometimes in secret, sometimes in defiance, most times for myself.

Xpression

X is a difficult one. So is deciding how to express my desires, even in the queer community. I feel as though, on all sides, I’m met with discontent.

Your Black Brothers

I’m starting to realize I actually don’t like men. Maybe in a platonic kind of way, but I don’t foresee myself marrying one, sharing a family with one, or spending the rest of my days with one. I appreciate men; specifically I appreciate the sacrifices and care and love the black men in my life have done for and shown me. But I take the phrase of Black Brothers literally: you’re like my brothers.

Zami

Audre Lorde is such an inspiration. I think it’s quite funny, interesting, and disturbing I can relate to her more than half a century later. You’d think there would be progression made for black queer women. For us to have less difficulty navigating our lives, finding acceptance, love, and happiness. I appreciate her experience, however; sections of this book have made me reflect a great deal on my journey: past, present, and future.

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Darina Rovinskaya

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I’d love it here <3

One of the best coffee places I’ve ever been to.

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Random Memories: A Short Bibliography in Songs

Recess, Ravyn Lenae, Moon Shoes EP 2016

I daydreamed to this song way too often back in September and October. I thought of all the girls I’d ever liked and never pursued out of fear, out of rejection of myself. I thought about all the women, the woman, a woman, I would be so unsettled about. I thought of the words I would say if I ever had to confess my ceaseless and eternal affections to her. Everytime I heard “I just can’t do this, every chance I miss” I would tear up because I really couldn’t do this (and let’s be honest I still can’t) . For one, I had no one I was interested in for any of this to make sense; secondly, even if I did, I knew my pride would never allow me to be so courageous.

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSxn7JAGG2A

Hang up tha Phone, Kiiara, low kii savage - EP 2016

Manhattan is such a hectic city. I remember the drive to New York with my dad last June. He gave me complete control of the aux cord, something I didn’t take lightly. During that time I was back into my obsession with alternative and electronic music, something that usually only happens during certain times of the year. That was the first time I heard this song, in Manhattan, and I played it non-stop. When we came back, I would listen to it everyday walking to my summer job at a cafe. When I went to Chicago with my good friend, I played this song. When I went to South Carolina with my parents, I begged them for a few minutes with the aux; I played this song. I can’t remember the person I was obsessed with during the summer though and I no longer listen to this song.

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QsYVJ1y1pw

Skylark Interabang?!, Made in Heights, MADE IN HEIGHTS 2013

You know what a good sci-fi pitch would be? Imagine, a race of black people from another planet. They’re so advanced in their technology and way of life, they decide to visit earth to propose ways in which we can improve. Of course living in a world where black and brown people are oppressed in every facet and corner, there wasn’t much liking to the arrival of these superior black beings. The royal court arrives and naturally the United States wants to be the country to host and facilitate this meeting. During the panel discussion, the leader of these people is killed, his daughter taken for experimentation, and his wife quickly hurried off to a waiting ship, placed there, just in case. Out of fear and anger, the daughter destroys the facility and to avenge her father’s death plans to unite all black and brown people to dismantle and destroy any and all specks of white privilege, supremacy, and existence. If I were to introduce this as a music video or an advertisement, I think Skylark Interabang would be a good place to start. The way the beat drops and the mixture of sounds in the end is the perfect transition into the enraged, and rightfully so, attack the daughter begins to ensue.

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVJkgk3zNxc

#music #creative nonfiction #bibliography #detroit writer #black writers #black writer #sci fi & fantasy #love #writers #blogger #daily writing #black woman #black woman art #black women who write #queerart #queer girl #black and queer #queer writers #music and art

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