blogmahbuttitches

[blogmahbuttitches]

Why count sheep when you can count to do lists? Or something…

Can’t sleep, so I figured I’d write here a bit. I am really tired of the fact that everything has to rush through my head when I decide it’s time for bed. But maybe there is truth in the sentiment that we are amusing ourselves to death. I suspect I’ve been avoiding things too much. And it’s keeping me up at night. I think thinking gives the illusion of doing. Like there’s all these things I…

[blogmahbuttitches]

Pretty Mountains & Ranting about porno plots. These two do not go together, but alas…

Here’s a couple pretty mountain pics from this morning. The kids do skiing & snowboarding lessons here. The program is awesome. It’s volunteer run and non profit. My older two just started being junior instructors, and my daughter ended up being one of my son’s instructors which was pretty cool. I told myself to remember when I get homesick to come up here and go on to Tahoe to remember that,…

[blogmahbuttitches]

No! Sleep! Til....?

Was up til after 2 again last night. I really would love to figure out why I can’t sleep because it is seriously screwing up my life. Like, fine and fair enough, I generally don’t have anywhere I gotta be and anything I gotta do can be tomorrow for a million tomorrows. I finally fell asleep, forced myself awake for my anger management class (that is another post for another day, hopefully 2ish…

[blogmahbuttitches]

Invisible Ink

[blogmahbuttitches]

When your fingers just won't...

[insert it’s been awhile here] To try and explain where I’ve been, it would be too long, so to summarize: -Life-threatening allergic reaction to antipsychotic -Led to prolly the worst psychotic break I’ve ever had -Culminating in incarceration -oops Be all that as it may, I once again became terrified of any and all forms of writing…which prolly is a synonym for existing, really. I am…

[blogmahbuttitches]

4:44

I’m alone now, but I’m not entirely sure that is the case.  When you came into my life, you kicked up memories and emotions like pollen on a new spring day.  When I looked at you, I saw myself.  Broken and confused, just like me.  You dejectedly told me how you rise and fall by your own hand, as I envisioned myself dousing my hair  in gasoline and playing with matches.  What do they call a…

[blogmahbuttitches]

3:33

11:11 1:11 2:22 Fear once ruled my life, but it has fallen away from me.  I suppose, when your heart gets broken enough times, hurting becomes the normal.  Happiness, on the other hand, feels alien.  These thoughts I carry, as I smile to you and say, “I just want you to be happy.”  For the first time in my life, I know what they say about love.  For me, just seeing your smile is enough.  I tell…

[blogmahbuttitches]

2:22

11:11 1:11 Whenever you are around me, exhaustion seems to be constant.  I understand and try not to take it personally.  I have that effect on people.  Since everything shifted, the only constant is impermeability.  People, like clouds, float in and out of my life.  I’ve proposed it was a test to see if I could handle loving people as much as I do and feeling nothing in return. I think of a…

[blogmahbuttitches]

Do You Believe in Magic...?

Reposting from 2017 That damn song has been stuck in my head all day.  Following up on Finding Center and Book Club!  I’m almost done The Universe Has Your Back.  I am also doing the daily work of “Miracles May Happen” I actually am staying on Day 3, because it’s been very difficult for me, and it’s providing me a lot of insight and opportunities for healing and growth. The very simple concept of…

[blogmahbuttitches]

We're On a Mission From God

Inspired by one of my fave movies of all time, The Blues Brothers. I wrote this about a week before finding out we got our home in Nevada, and I was in the. midst of preparing to move while protecting my peace and mental health. When I originally wrote it, I posted all the pictures of me sobbing and finding catharsis through this poem. I think it’s one of my best and it’s definitely one of my…

[blogmahbuttitches]

What doesn’t kill you, makes you….

When people ask me whether I have a positive or negative outlook in life, I’d usually choose the middle ground and respond with “realistic”.However,… What doesn’t kill you, makes you…. Inspired by a convo Andrea and I were having via comments. I mentioned my philosophy of what doesn’t kill you makes you funnier, and she made this super cool, amazing illustration, and a beautifully poignant post…

[blogmahbuttitches]

Poison Ivy

What poisoned poetry Would that I could Rip out heart and eyes to see This blood, no ink, no blood in deed The horrors of euphemism in packets In this lie we call history How can it be this misery Is what came so naturally How long can’t we hear and see No one is free until we all are free? Whether river or ocean or sea to sea Look at what’s done in greed to you and me Oh prestigious…

[blogmahbuttitches]

Can I write a new story?

I have said so many times that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have every right to be, but I don’t wanna be. I asked myself yesterday – can I write a new story? I’m tired of writing about what I go through and how often I go through it. I’ve said a million times, I’m tired of identifying by my diagnoses, dis-eases, dis-orders, symptoms, and whatever else. I’m tired of getting on…

[blogmahbuttitches]

Mixed Episode brought on by Sick Society (again. again.again...)

Radical acceptance is taking what you got and going with it instead of lamenting what could or should be. It is helpful as fuck; however, I think before acceptance, we really do need to feel the feelings, give them voice and space, and then move into it is what it fucking is. I don’t think I can ever get to it is what it fucking is until I feel how fucking upset I am, while holding the line that,…

[blogmahbuttitches]

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[blogmahbuttitches]

Progressing over perfectionism & psychosis

I made a TikTok today – the coolest part was that I could edit it on my laptop. Once I’m just more used to it, I’m going to be able to do editing waaaaay faster. I learned how to do everything on my phone, so it’s just getting familiar with how it all works, but just editing shit down is so much faster using a mouse instead of my thumbs omg. I’m trying to keep my videos 3m or less as I think I…

[blogmahbuttitches]

Bit by bit

I’ve been writing on my Facebook again. I don’t know why I operate this way, but as I said to my doctor this week – I’m finally in this beautiful state of not fighting with myself enough to truly learn from myself. She really loved that because she was reassuring me how long it takes us to understand how our cycles work, what our triggers are, when we need to be concerned, when we need to get…