daydoodlingco

[daydoodlingco]

What exists in the space between us? What castles do we build with the words we speak, and what shadows do we cast with the ones we leave? When we’ve thoroughly soiled the clothes we wore, what taints the water once they’ve been wrought? What does our sweat smell of when we concoct?

When all we keep is the glance of a face, the days wear away what’s left for us to take. I live for you and you breathe for me, but what’s for us that the world dare not speak?

Turn around-- what is it you seek? The silhouette grows fainter as it retreats. Grasp it if you hold dear what’s in your reach, blow a whisper into the wind--

and surrender your love to what’s in between.

[daydoodlingco]

no thoughts, head empty, just...

i... loaf... you...........

i saw that on a mini valentine's day card at a craft market recently. they peeked out at me in a glint of mischief, underneath a cute slice of toast next to a cute side of fried egg. "i loaf you." colour pencil sketchings revealing the fibres between the grain, weaving between all the words we've never said and all the fleeting moments we've never grasped. shadows and uncertainty, a gut feeling guiding the path they trace. they smile up at each other in impossibly cute strokes, just two dots and a curve, and i think about the times your eyes turned gentle when they laid upon mine. i can count them in my head, the days your eyes opened to speak when your mouth wouldn't. it was there. that's what i think, anyway.

the saying goes both ways, the lady said. love and loathe. it's usually both. i wonder if you hate me. i know i hate you. maybe you don't, maybe the love doesn't exist and i'm just making everything up. who knows?

i think a lot about what i should say to you, how i should say it. the conversations range from wordless glances to one sentence exchanges to hour-long revelations, spilled out onto bookstore cafe tables all the way to your bedroom floor. none of them really seem right. maybe i should just let the toast speak for itself. for the toast speaks the truth. it's simple really, it's just that.

i loaf you. puke.

i loaf you drawing here <3, credit to @art.dae on instagram

[daydoodlingco]

launching a newsletter: messages in a bottle!

i’m creating another new space to house all of the weird stories floating around in my head, and i hope you’ll come and visit! i’ll be writing letters from imaginary characters to other imaginary characters in sometimes imaginary worlds. come discover them with me, anything and everything is welcome  ✨ 💖

hop onboard the spaceship here :)

[daydoodlingco]

newbury street

i think that i think that you might be the love of my life isn’t that crazy to say? because i think so too, and sometimes i think it’s just for today, but then i find myself thinking that every day sometimes you don’t really reply me but then my best friends never do and that’s something i’ve just gotten used to 

before your train ride to new york, you stood by the tracks watching as i walked away  you wouldn’t stop waving at me i thought, “jesus this guy has to  make a laugh out of everything, even the longest goodbye,” and i waited till you turned away to watch you leave  you ran after the train because it stopped too far ahead, you’re just a tiny boy with a small suitcase making a mess out of everything

and i retrace the steps that we’ve taken before while  new places grow familiar from the thought of you, and all of those ice cream shops i’ve tried are as much for me as they are  for you, and i know every day’s too much to  look through the windows and hope you’re in stock, but you’ll see newbury street in new york and think of me in all the places we haven’t gone, even if just for a moment.

and if you think of me everyday, maybe we can water our love as a seed sitting by my  window, next to the one that you got  for me; the baby shoots have grown and i’ll sit here watching no matter where you’ve  been or whether or not you decide to leave.

[daydoodlingco]

you don't immediately realize things have gotten better because happiness doesn't overwhelm you all at once; you'd think it would but it trickles in like a small stream in a quiet place save for the chirping of the birds and the gentle sway of the water. and when the water starts to fill up, the feeling gets heavier, and that's when you realize it's there--the peace that slowly sinks in.

[daydoodlingco]

dirty water dough

i think a lot about that night you grabbed my jacket without a word slung my backpack over your shoulder like it was yours we sat in that small alcove where couples gaze out the floor-length windows then back into each other’s eyes walking by on the street i always thought it was romantic two and a half hours already passed before we landed on that mediocre second- storey pizza place where we left an entire box behind and i didn’t realize until midnight passed nothing ever feels missing when you’re walking next to me i skipped dinner the previous night because i couldn’t bring myself to crawl out the bed i’d been bleeding out on you asked if i wanted to talk about it you asked me how i know i’ll be alone you told me that i don’t i didn’t know how to tell you i’d imagined myself living in an apartment with you overrun with my plants and scattered eclectic film props while you worked an actual job somewhere i know i want you but i don’t want to need you and i didn’t want to give you that burden it wouldn’t be fair, i’ve done that before and it never turns out well so instead of dreaming i just prepare to live by myself and that’s why i assumed i’d have to be alone and honestly that’s how i’ve been most of my life so far and you’re not a magic wand that will wave my deepest problems away even though i used to wish for it

and we’ll share our ice cream close the distance between our shoulders like that’s just how it’s supposed to be i search for a chance to brush by your fingers instead but the right time never seems to present itself so we’ll keep dancing around each other wondering what the other is thinking i suppose maybe you know and maybe you don't you asked me if i was over the boy i had loved so deeply before and i said yes, it wasn't that hard actually, it wasn't a representation of how much it meant but how much i realized it would have never fulfilled me and i think you're different i cross my fingers so history won't repeat itself but maybe i'm a creature of habit who am i to ask you to live out my dreams with me and leave a piece of your soul embedded inside of me? what i don't realize is you've already done that unwittingly and i'm not sure what you'd make of it, maybe you know i don't respond well to outpours of affection so you think twice before letting me know i think that night was the one time you almost thought you'd say it but maybe you got scared or thought the better of it you asked me if i felt the same that tonight seemed to last forever and in a moment of revelation under the near- half moon you said you knew why and you stared at me with that smile in your eyes for the two longest minutes of my life and you said never mind, i don't know.

[daydoodlingco]

more

is it so wrong to always be looking for more? in taxis and churches and cinema halls, where people appear like they didn't before, with nothing but silence to fill them all.

[daydoodlingco]

cherry blossoms

a short piece of prose about...

an analogy way too expendable often falls on tired, jaded ears, but resonates deepest within the heart.

when cherry blossom season comes, people flock to see the pink little cotton buds. they rush to catch that short window of opportunity, lest wait another arduous year they’re made to do. what a beautiful thing they’d want to see, amidst too many months of seeing everything else bleak, to be reminded of the wonders of the natural world, or perhaps the blessings from someone higher above. yet it is not beauty that awes the heart; beauty is what they seek. it is rarity for which they run towards the cherry blossoms when nature’s clock strikes, for they know as quickly as it appears, so will it fade.

and with every anticipation to witness splendour, comes every worry to lose it.

will life ever cease to feel this way? in every situation, with every person, trying to balance “living in the moment” and “knowing it will end” on both of our shoulders, much like how little schoolgirls once were trained to walk straight with books on their heads. but one exception exists: while she will eventually learn, we will never. either one will fall without fail, or perhaps both. for no one truly knows where the line in between exists, much less how to get there. learning how to walk the tightrope is the least of our worries.

with every beginning comes an end. yet while we know when the cherry blossoms wilt, the end to everything else is unknown. while i bask in the fact that i love you and you love me, i will always grapple with the dread that that sentence will not be said the same again, and that will always detract from the feeling of beauty in my heart as i gaze at the cherry blossoms.

and for which i don’t know how to fix, but hope time will graciously keep a step behind until i do, i am sorry.

[daydoodlingco]

so this is what life feels like

a lot of things cause me anxiety at times life is beautiful and it is extraordinary in that we never know what it is going to be like or become; to beware and to be scared of everything and nothing at once, it is foolish and human, for what else are we to be if not in awe of the future and in spite of the past, all of which we never realize our present becomes. i am turning nineteen and yet i know not why i note it as if it should mean something to and of me. but it means nothing to me, for i have been in love and i have been in pain, and i have wanted both and felt both go away. yet i am scared of being young and simultaneously turning old, and i can't help but think i am just scared. of what? what is believing? for many take years to find their truth; i am just beginning to grasp mine and yet, alas, all men find a different truth. a world of infinite truths, that to believe in all is to believe in none at all.

[daydoodlingco]

i used to think happiness was found at the peak of a mountain, something I'd only achieve after a lifelong, arduous climb. but when i stopped to catch my breath, that was the moment i found the creek. and i realized happiness was found in the pebbles, each step i took over the water. it wasn't atop a castle so far away as to be unreachable, unimaginable; it was right where i stood, beneath my feet.

[daydoodlingco]

being in my head is like fumbling for a light switch in the dark. i can't turn it off when it's getting too loud, and i can't turn it back on when i need the noise. i'm not in control.

[daydoodlingco]

see this on instagram!

[daydoodlingco]

"try me."

it's such a powerful phrase to use in any situation. no one understands you? try me. you don't think i can do it? try me. you want someone to love? try me. it's always a challenge, but an uplifting one — as if to say, believe in me, i can do it. i can help you. just those two simple words can give anyone trust, confidence, and security, including yourself.

[daydoodlingco]

[daydoodlingco]

grey

i.

if you asked me how i’m feeling, i’d paint the colour grey

i don’t know what it means, but you know what i’m trying to say

or at least, i hope you do

at least, i hope you do

.

if you asked me how i’m feeling

let me ask you another question, do i look grey?

i don’t know the answer, but i forgot my colour pencils today

you can go and help them paint

.

ii.

i heard the preacher say, think with both your head and your heart

i don’t know what it means, but i know i cry too hard

or at least, you think i do

at least, you think i do

.

if i tore open a wound

you wouldn’t open it up

why can’t it be, the same with my heart?

i’ll take down the sales sign, keep my words for myself

the grey paint’s been spilled all over the shelves

[daydoodlingco]

who struck a match on my heart?

it's on fire

well, let the rain do their part

and drown it out.

but there's a weight to my feet,

i'm sinking into the mire

you said you won't ever leave,

i didn't think it meant this.

[daydoodlingco]

see this on instagram!