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[filbobaggins]

New year, Same me

"New year, new you" they say, but what's wrong with you right now? The problem with new years resolutions is we put too much pressure on ourselves to stick to them and are critical to ourselves when we can't reach these unrealistic standards. It's okay to want to improve yourself as a person, we all do and it's nice to strive for, but don't do so at the detriment of your wellbeing. Despite what social media shows us we don't have to grind all the time, be successful and rich and attractive and just happy all the time. We are allowed to make mistakes and worthy of love regardless. We're only human after all. So instead of worrying about comparing yourself to others and impossible standards going into this next year look back and reflect on how far you have come.

For me personally this year has been a roller-coaster. I've experienced my highest highs and lowest lows. I've made plenty of mistakes, quite possibly more than any previous year, I've cried and struggled a lot, and not everything has turned out the way I hoped. I haven't been able to achieve all I wanted or even make others as happy as I'd have liked but I've tried my best and I'm honestly proud of myself. Because I've learnt and grown a lot this year, overcome a lot and just lived, loved and laughed a lot. I've had setbacks and I've still got a ways to go. I'm still making mistakes, some which I don't fully understand and there's still some things I hope to resolve and injustices I can't fix but it's been an amazing year.

This year has been tough on a lot of the people closest to me and I'm sure many others too and so I wish you all the best going into this next year.

Here's to a brighter 2022.

[filbobaggins]

Rather than telling kids that you don't have to be smart to be successful, maybe we should tell them you don't have to be successful to be worthy of love

[filbobaggins]

A part of something bigger - 21/12/21

I haven’t shared much in a while and I think that’s simply because I haven’t been able to fully articulate what’s been on my mind. I like to take time to fully work out how I feel about something before I share it. But I think I’ve learnt a lot recently that I really want to share.

I feel like I’ve finally come to some admittedly obvious revelations about why I spend so much of my life trying to help others and really it is all about being a part of something bigger.

The truth is, I really like helping others because I do feel I am usually very good at it. I have a lot of good life advice I want to share and between this blog and many other experiences in my life, I try to share all the wisdom I can at any turn. I’m smart. Like a real real nerd. But I almost feel like I have a duty to help others because I have been relatively lucky in life. I know people talk about working hard, and I do, but the truth is I’d be lying if I didn’t recognise that there are people that could try 10x as much as me and still not achieve the academic achievements I have done. And recovery from mental health does require you to understand some difficult concepts sometimes and so I feel advantaged even there too. It’s to the point I think I even overestimate my skill sometimes and hence feel I should be able to do more than I actually can.

But yeah. Thanks to this I feel like I really want to make a difference in the world and help people out and that’s far from a bad thing but the extent to which I pursue this goal is getting harmful, to me and others, and I think I’m starting to figure out why that’s the case too. Firstly I think I have a pretty strong moral system and sense of justice so when I see unfairness in the world it angers me and naturally I want to fix it. I mean, as a kid, when I had anger problems, it always was when I found things unfair. I’m just not very good at accepting the natural unfairness in life, and often it's not even related to me. I want to fix the unfairness felt by others.

But the truth is, I can’t fix everything no matter how hard I try. And that is okay. It is okay to give up and accept defeat sometimes. Honestly, only recently have I really started to be able to accept mistakes and failure in my life but I’m still learning when I should quit and if I am actually making things worse. The truth is, it annoys me when I can’t fix something especially when I feel I should be able to. And I especially don’t like being stuck in a position where I can’t help someone and they have to learn things for themselves, which can often be the case with mental illness.

It is frustrating but you have to put yourself in that other person's shoes. Sometimes concepts can take different people different amounts of time to fully comprehend and even once you understand something there is so much more to the process of recovery. Often understanding our illness and ourselves is only part of the battle and it can be good to recognise that and let people find their own way. And think about it, would you like someone constantly bugging you, trying to barge into your life, take control, and just try to fix everything for you even when they can’t? Obviously not right. This isn’t saying having a support group is bad or supporting someone is bad, obviously that is not the case, but you can’t force others to recover.

What you can do is be there. Be a good friend. Listen and just be supportive. Unless you’re a professional your advice may not be as good as you feel but even if it is it may have been heard a thousand times before or just be unwanted. Maybe your friend isn’t even ready for it yet. So let them take the reigns. It’s difficult to relinquish control of something important to you but you are not responsible for other people's lives and happiness. If they ask for advice, give it. If they don’t, you probably shouldn’t. You may feel you are being kind but even if you have the best of intentions and are trying to be nice there are times where that will not be what someone needs. You shouldn’t blame yourself because your intentions were good and your friend will understand that but be careful to listen and if you are hurting someone instead of helping them heal then take a step back.

Honestly, sometimes I feel selfish even when helping others because it does make me feel good and so I push myself even more to help others until I can’t cope and am in pain as if I somehow deserve that and have to suffer for the good of others. Even when my help isn’t appreciated I can still feel good. I don’t need praise or anything in return as good as those things can feel. But yeah. Because I enjoy helping others I once again feel a duty to do it too much but I do need to be careful sometimes because it can become more about proving to myself I am a good person and just about the idea of helping others rather than really being about understanding and caring about the other person.

So yeah. I suppose the moral of this all is, I’ve made many mistakes. And being kind is hard sometimes. But that is all okay. I am doing my best as we all are. We are part of something bigger and we may struggle but we are all trying and that is all anyone can ever ask of us. Sometimes maybe we don’t even need to try so hard and are trying too hard. There’s a lot of injustice in the world and that can feel overwhelming at times but there’s a lot of happiness, togetherness and joy too and we should do our best to spread more of that to ourselves and others rather than dwelling on the bad.

I will always be there for people if they want to talk and ask me for help, as I always have been but perhaps I have been hurting myself a little by spending time chasing suffering simply so I can naively attempt to fix it all. I’m only human after all.

Key ideas:

It's okay if you can't fix everything

Other people's problems are not your responsibility and you cannot take on their problems as your own. They may be capable on their own. Just let them know of they want your help you're there

[filbobaggins]

Home sweet home - 13/12/21

So I’m home for Christmas and I’m feeling good. A part of me feels I should’ve been more active here during this time but I have just been generally enjoying life and the end of term with friends and am now taking, in my eyes, a little bit of a well deserved break. I say that, I still have work to do, but it's nice to not be quite as hectic as a few weeks back.

A lot has happened this week as always and I do think it's incredible how quickly the days pass by sometimes. I honestly didn’t realize quite how long it’d been since I last wrote one of these once almost daily messages to myself and the world. I’ve still been thinking about this, of course, and noting down ideas, as I do, for things I want to talk about and I am working up quite a backlog so hopefully I can share a few things soon. That said I am running out of inspiration and these posts are taking longer but that is okay. I think I may go back to some earlier posts and perhaps refine those ideas or share them again. We don’t always get things right the first time and most of these diary entries are really just what I feel at the time and aren’t really reviewed or edited.

That’s okay. And in fact, I think it’s a good thing to look back and reflect on things sometimes. I’ve come a long way this term at uni and especially this year as a whole and it’ll be good to both celebrate that and remind me what I have learnt, which is what this blog is really here for. I do feel a little like I am writing these for the sake of writing them at the moment so I want to return to my roots and really put to paper the things I still struggle with to this day, even if I have overcome a lot.

[filbobaggins]

A message to us all - 02/12/21

Today was my last session in the group therapy course I have completed with my university. It was a little emotional, honestly, and it really is something that has made a whole world of difference to my life. I’m not there yet, but I don’t feel an overwhelming urge to find what is next for me at this very moment. For now, I just intend to enjoy this moment and reflect on what I have been through. Hopefully soon I will be off the waiting list for IAPT therapy and from there who knows where I’ll go.

One part of this final session I wanted to share somewhat is the compassionate writing we did. We each wrote a little message to each other and honestly the ones I received were the most heartwarming thing ever and I really have so much respect and love for all these guys. It’s weird to think we barely know each other but still have been through a lot together and know things about each other that almost no one else does.

But we also wrote some things to ourselves. Now I wrote a few personal messages in a postcard to myself which I’ll receive some time next year but I also wrote a letter of sorts that, while personal, I feel anyone would want to hear. I hope to never lose the physical copy but I will type it out here to have a backup and to share it with you. I really hope this message resonates with you all. While this is really a message from me to me, I hope it can be one from me to you too.

I’m so proud of you. I know things are hard sometimes and you struggle but that is okay. You are only human. You will make mistakes. But that is okay. You do not always know everything but that is okay. You may not even know what you want sometimes but that is okay. You are worth so much more than you can tell yourself. You are more than your anxiety, more than your achievements and more than the people around you. And you deserve happiness. You may struggle to find it sometimes but you will smile, truly smile, time and time again. And it may take time but you can find what you need in life and even if you fail you can have fun trying. You don’t need some grand purpose to be happy, just follow your values wherever they take you. Take your bad puns and nerdy hobbies and chase that kindness, those laughs, that loving, that giving, that storytelling, that sharing you crave. I believe in you, whatever you choose in life. I trust you to be who you want to be and to make the world smile with you like you dream to do. Yours, with love, Aidan

Perhaps I could’ve written this better. Perhaps there is much more I want to say to myself and share with others. But this is what I wrote at the moment and I think it will stay with me for a while. Writing a letter like this is not about pretending you are perfect and celebrating how amazing you are. It is about accepting your flaws and loving yourself regardless. It is not easy, but many of the most worthwhile things aren’t. I hope you will be able to truly accept yourself one day but even if you fail, I hope you at least have a kind compassionate voice to fall back on.

[filbobaggins]

Tired - 30/11/21

Okay. So it's been a while. Life is still rather busy right now even if less so than the birthday weekend was. I've got plenty of ideas bumbling around in my head but they are going to have to wait just a little while. I am feeling good though. I have been having a great time this last week or so and despite the work, through the snow and movies and eating out, I've just had a great time with friends. And it's been incredibly productive too.

Unfortunately I am now rather tired. There's been some late nights, early mornings and a little more exercise than I'm used too and it has added up. And so I want to talk about energy. I saw an article recently talking about different types of energy and tiredness and it was a real interesting read. What I took for it most of all though was just that, we all have different capacities, different amounts of energy in all its different forms and that is okay. I have always loved my beauty sleep and definitely been the first in bed and yet still not always the first up throughout my life. When I don't get enough sleep I get groggy and more to the point I get a little panicky.

I also do think it's good to remember there are different types of tired. Whether it be social, emotional, mental or physical and that all of these can require different things. As I become more in tune with myself I am being able to recognise more what I need and want and letting myself have that.

The truth is, it can be frustrating when we don't have the energy for something or when someone else seems to lack the energy for us but that does not define our worth. We all have different capacities to be give and receive energy and that's okay. That's what makes us human and we should celebrate those differences and be understanding of each other. Some things that require little energy from one person may require more from another and so as a whole I feel it better to judge people not on their actions but on their intentions. It's an difficult debate to have and we can't forget about looking at and learning from the actions we and others take and we can't ignore them but at least when judging ourselves at least considering intention helps give us the kinder more compassionate approach we deserve.

I'm gonna snuggle up this evening and get the early night I need tonight and I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing, if you are feeling drained you will take the time to give yourself what you need. Anyone with a mental illness will know how exhausting it can be in so many ways but your efforts are well worth it. Just let yourself rest from time to time.

Key ideas:

When you need it it is okay to take a break

There are different kinds of tired and they can be treated in different ways. Just because you haven't done lots of exercise doesn't mean you can't be tired.

[filbobaggins]

Words of Radiance - book review

Words of radiance is the 2nd book in the stormlight archive and another >1000 page behemoth split across 2 paperbacks. I finished it in a month. If that doesn’t tell you how good it is, I don’t know what else to say. After finishing the first book of this series which I have also reviewed I knew I had to get my hands on the second and it was indeed very much worth it.

This 2nd book picks up right where we left off and continues to follow the stories of Kaladin, Dalinar and Shallan alongside a huge cast of smaller supporting characters. The format of the book is similar to the first with 5 parts separated by interludes designed to further flesh out the world while placing the characters' stories in the context of the overarching narrative. However, once again, while the story and world of these books is epic in scale and scope, the writing somehow manages to focus on and tell deeply personal stories within it all.

The 2nd book significantly ramps up the stakes of the story, as expected after the ending of the first book, and there is a much more considerable degree of tension from the get go. The pacing of the novel is fast with twists and turns coming every chapter and yet it never feels rushed. And with a ramp in stakes comes a ramp up in fantastical elements and power levels. I mean, who doesn’t find the idea of 2 soldiers with magical swords fighting in the air as they use their magical powers to fly through a giant storm that threatens to destroy the world just really fucking cool. The visuals accompanying the biggest battles and encounters of this story are really quite breathtaking at times and really add something to the story. The first book benefited from the mystery surrounding the magical elements of the story, but as the 2nd fleshes them out more it does well to make the various powers seen unique, interesting and surprising in many different ways.

Now, if the first book was considered to be Kaladin’s book, as I think it very easily could be, this book very much belongs to Shallan and I was honestly really glad to see that. While Kaladin is our typical brooding fantasy hero, Shallan represents a breath of fresh air. She is a character full of wit and life and is just honestly a really fun character with a loveable personality. The book certainly does not go easy on her though, slowly revealing both a tragic backstory while forcing Shallan through a series of perilous situations. And I think that juxtaposition is what makes this character really shine.

As in The Ways Of Kings, the book is filled with philosophy and we get a really great insight into the minds of our heroes and the internal struggles they face which in many ways turn out to be just as, if not more compelling, than their external struggles. And the book does a really clever thing here with its magic system by tying the magic to the minds and philosophies of the characters. This is used most effectively in the way Shallan’s powers are shown to be powered by ‘lies’. In this way we get to experience Shallan’s struggle to process the trauma she experienced in her past, admitting to things that happened rather than lying about them, even to herself. The book also gets to explore what exactly makes a lie. In fact, it has a lot of interesting ideas on lies and how we view them, such as: Hiding the truth, half-truths, the power of lies, how we understand lies, amusing depictions of metaphors and the idea of art and writing as a lie.

Shallan learns all this as the factions and ideologies of the people of the world slowly begin to be explained, learning from mentors, friends and foes alike, and through betrayals, tragedy and some good old scholarly investigation. The book is deliberate in its own lies making you question every word and look for secrets that surely lie within the pages. I think this is what makes some of the later reveals of the book so effective. Although these reveals are sudden and surprising the information was there, but hidden beneath various lies that were yet to be revealed. The book almost taunts us about certain reveals and this makes them all the more effective when they finally occur.

Shallan experiences an incredible growth as a character throughout the book as she slowly finds her place in the world. Her story is a coming of age story of sorts but it is also all about confidence, heroism and overcoming trauma. It’s a story that is very difficult to describe all the intricacies and beautiful moments of and really anything I say would not do it justice and would likely just sound wrong. Honestly, Shallan reminds me very much of someone I know who is perhaps going on a similar journey herself and that just made me love the character even more. The character is unique, sure, but I think the characters in these books in general are just so human and it is impossible to not connect them to ourselves and those around us. What this character goes through is impossible to understand and comprehend really but the strength she shows to keep going through it and the joy the character spreads despite all her internal suffering is a really magical thing to witness. There is a moment later in the book where Kaladin questions how she can be so positive and childish and fun all the time and Shallan breaks down revealing parts of her story she had never shared before and there’s just a moment where Kaladin just understands and I can’t really explain what exactly but let's just say, look out for those same positive people in your own lives cos they may well be holding a lot behind those beautiful eyes.

The aforementioned moment is one of many great character moments in the story. As the stories of the main characters start to intertwine, far more than in the first book, a lot more is learnt about each of them simply from their views of each other. We learn a little more about how these characters appear to others and in a way it deepens their humanity just as much as our insight into their own minds.

Another thing I think the book should be praised for is how Kaladin's story is handled. After the end of the first book you’d be forgiven to believe that Kaladin’s journey, at least in an internal sense, was finished but this is far from the truth. I think the novel does a great job of showing how recovery from the dark places we may find our minds in life is not just a simple process that is achieved through one massive triumph. Kaladin is still learning, still struggling and his journey is far from finished. So often, heroes discover their purpose and then that is it, they become perfect humans and never fail again. But reality isn’t like that, no one is perfect, and healing takes time. We are all human and the book acknowledges that and even spends time explaining that to the reader. As humans we continuously change, grow and evolve and this is shown once again in the way the heroes powers are tied to their philosophies. The book poses some difficult moral dilemmas and for me, the end of Kaladin's story provides the most compelling argument I have ever heard for a philosophy I myself really love. You’ve probably hurt the quote, ‘when giving the choice between being right or being kind, choose kindness’. Well, Kaladin’s arc in this book ponders that very question and as I said, provides the perfect argument for choosing kindness, an admittedly difficult task given the circumstances presented in the book.

Dalinar remains the weakest character in this book but his story is not without merit and really ties the story together. Dalinar provides an essential tie between the characters and this is emphasized in his eventual title. As a whole his character does not grow that much but this is only because there is little growth for the character to experience. Dalinar is an older wiser character, more at the end of his journey than the beginning like many others. And so in this way he is able to mentor and guide some of the other characters towards their goals.

The side characters continue to be unique and memorable from the ever cryptic, Wit, the refined and very definition of strong independent women, Jasnah, and a whole cast of others such as the mischievous Amaran, scheming Sadeas, lovable members of Bridge 4, and the brothers Renarian and Adolin. Adolin continues to be an interesting semi-main character showing his fair share of brilliance and heroism and character growth throughout the book however the story leaves his character in an interesting and precarious place and definitely makes Adolin a character to watch going forward. His relationship with Shallan is honestly adorable and a really nice bonding of characters and ideals but that is another area that could take many unexpected routes in the future. This relationship leads to yet another beautiful moment for Shallan in which she really shows how her past has affected her and how she has grown. When Adolin promises to protect her and that no harm will come to her again after a difficult encounter she is not passive and welcoming of this like your typical female character would be but instead is actively angered by the idea of being locked away from the world and her goals as she has been in the past. It’s a great message and character moment. Finally, it is worth mentioning how the villains and morally grey characters of the story are also very intriguing characters and we do get the opportunity to see the world through their eyes throughout the book. Many are likely to return and I look forward to where they are taken next.

And so we get to the finale of the book. The final act of the book is on a much greater scale than the finale of the first book and is just really epic in all meanings of the word. Everything really comes together and for the first time in the series the 3 main characters alongside many of the best side characters are all involved. Admittedly, the events that transpire in the final act are perhaps more predictable than the finale of the first book; however the ending is not without its surprises. In similar fashion to the first book, the closing chapters are filled with unexpected twists leaving many loose ends behind. We visit all corners of the world checking in with a myriad of characters wrapping up many different stories that have been weaved throughout the overarching story. As a whole this book had a lot more twists occur throughout the story rather than just at the end but that does not make some of the ending twists any less effective. One reveal in particular, left me reeling at its obviousness and yet I never would’ve seen it coming, thanks in part to the book continuously teasing it and then making a point of not revealing it and instead further denying it will happen. As always, the information was right there, and yet the reveals are just as effective as those as the end of the first book and have left me just as eager to get my hand on the next book.

So yeah. If you’ve read all that, I suppose it’s rather clear that I loved this book and would recommend it to anyone. I hope you can gain as much joy from it as I did.

[filbobaggins]

My hoodie - 23/11/21

So at therapy last week we were considering the idea of a compassionate kitbag. The idea is basically to find and keep items that bring you comfort to use when you need. We also spent some time talking to our compassionate objects and exploring our feelings through that. Perhaps that all sounds a little wishy washy and it is certainly the weirdest thing I have done as a part of therapy but if you keep past that natural desire to cringe and don’t put up a barrier against it, there is certainly something to gain from it.

For me, I took some time to consider my big red hoodie and at first this seemed weird and difficult but when I started properly thinking about it I managed to get a far better idea of why this hoodie means so much to me. For the most part, the hoodie is about physical comfort. When I get anxious I can get cold or shivery and just in general when I am feeling low, I can always feel better after putting on this hoodie. It’s cosy and just really comfy and honestly I’ve grown to like how I look in it too, especially with my coat over the top and the red hood peeking out from underneath.

It wasn’t always like this though. The hoodie has the nickname on the back, Filbo Baggins, chosen by my friend Sam. And honestly, due to that alone, I never used to want to wear the hoodie as I found the nickname on the back embarrassing. But nowadays I just own it. It’s a conversation starter and beyond that just shows my fun and childish side which I really do like. There’s a journey there I suppose. An acceptance that I don’t have to be mature all the time and can laugh and have fun and dance when no one is watching whenever I want.

I also just have so many memories attached to this hoodie. Music tour, when I first got it, back in 2018 was an incredible week and in particular I remember one night, where we all had gathered on our balconies above the lake and we just watched the unusually large moon and joked about the end of the world. It was just one of those moments where everything felt right and beautiful in the world and it was far before I really started to struggle with anxiety like I do today. I mean I have always been socially anxious and awkward at least a little, but the panic attacks were certainly not always a thing. I miss those days a little, though I’m so proud of how far I have come since then growing into a far more confident individual despite the anxiety.

Looking back at music tour, I’m reminded more of Sam, my longest friend and the brother-like relationship we have. I honestly have seen him like my younger brother at times and while we’ve had our fights we’ve always been there for each other. I also remember receiving the most genuine compliment I have ever received was from him. That memory has got attached to this hoodie somehow too.

The hoodie also holds some more recent memories too, reminding me of the one who made me excited to wear it. It reminds me of my ex, my first kiss, cuddling in the cold spring air up on the hillside watching the sunset. Her playing with the finger holes on the hoodie. It’s not the sort of memory I think I’ll ever forget.

I think all in all, the best thing about my hoodie is the way it is always there for me. People come with uncertainty and having a great support network is important but just finding some special items that mean something to you can help a lot. And honestly, sometimes I feel I don’t appreciate and treat my hoodie well enough, often leaving it on my floor. But I think that is part of what makes it special because its comfort and compassion is unconditional and regardless of how I treat it, it is there when I need it.

So yeah. This is all very anecdotal and personal but I suppose the point of this all is to find the items that mean the world to you and keep them close and let them help you when you need. I really struggle to receive compassion sometimes, rejecting the kindness of others, but in a small way, this hoodie helps, allowing me to physically gift a little compassion to myself just by putting it on. It’s more a symbol than anything else but you will be surprised how much things in your life that may seem meaningless to others mean so much to you. It can be hard to accept but not everything needs a clear logical meaning for the way you feel about it so just find what works for you and don’t spend so long worrying about if it should or why it does.

Key ideas:

Certain items may bring you comfort. Find them and keep them close.

Therapy can sometimes seem weird, cringy or childish but you have nothing to lose by engaging in it

[filbobaggins]

I will do what I must - 22/11/21

It’s been a while, as the members of hit DnD show, Critical Role, would say. I have been rather busy, what with both my birthday and a coursework deadline which required a lot of work. But with the coursework deadline now past, and my work submitted I wanted to leave a little reminder to myself.

Now, first of all, I want to talk about how I have been during the stressful period. Obviously, if you know me, you will know I will have been feeling very stressed and this is certainly true. I felt on edge for a lot of the week and came to the verge of panic attacks multiple times. But, despite it all, I was nice to myself. I took the time to relax and take a break when I needed, despite feeling anxiety when I did, and I let myself be taken on a fun surprise birthday experience filled with friends and family despite the fact it took me away from that coursework which I was feeling, at the time, should take priority.

Now. I am a workaholic and I honestly enjoy work. The truth is, when I need too, I can work for hours on end and that is okay and I feel fine and I’m proud of that. The problem I have had before is feeling just because I can work all the time and stay mostly sane (although even then life has proved I don’t always), doesn’t mean I have some duty to be productive all the time and have to make the most of my talents. I have come up with many ideas for posts these last few days so I’ll talk about this more soon but I genuinely feel a duty to always put all my energy into being productive and kind sometimes just because I enjoy it most of the time and feel I can do things better than most. It’s a toxic level of self esteem where I have to prove my worth to myself and everyone and make the world a better place just because I can more than most.

But yeah. There’s 2 things I want to mention to myself looking back on this week. Firstly, while I struggle with this sometimes I want to remind myself that my education at university is not the be all and end all. Whenever I find myself working too hard at uni it is often because I am telling myself it is okay to make myself suffer and hurt myself now because the pain will make me stronger and it’ll be worth it when I get a good job and don’t have to work as much in future. The truth is however, I can never be better than my best and that is okay. I’m not gonna be perfect and don’t have to be the smartest to be worthy of happiness and to get a good job and life. I mean, I’m a Warwick uni student. It’s not like my future prospects are bad no matter how my degree goes and in the long run my career will depend on me and what I want and strive for, not just a grade.

So yeah, I don’t think I did as good in this last bit of coursework as I might normally do but I feel much better than I normally do about myself despite it. Because I realised that I will do what I must when I need and I always get things done in the end. And even if they are not perfect and I could have improved my eventual grade by spending some more hours on it, the amount of extra hours for each tiny bit of improvement is simply hard to justify now I am caring for myself more. This is hard for me to say as a workaholic but slowly I am learning to trust myself and my ability to do what I need and am learning to accept I don’t need to push myself beyond what I can reasonably do.

In general, no matter when I start a piece of coursework, I am surprisingly good at spreading out the work among my schedule and getting it done as needed. In fact, I often suffer more, and may cause other work to suffer more if I rush my work. Because due to my obsession with perfectionism I often find that even if I finish work early I will spend all the time up to the deadline stressing about it and twiddling with it anyway, maybe improving my grade by a couple percent but not enough for the stress and procrastination to be worth it.

So yeah, this is a reminder to myself to trust myself to do my best when needed and to trust myself to look after myself and not push myself too far for the sake of grind culture or just due to comparing myself to others and worrying about hypothetical futures. And it is a reminder to you too. You will achieve what you are meant to achieve in life. And you don’t need to be perfect and spend all your time working and stressing to do so.

Key ideas:

Education and how society ranks you I'd not as be all and end all as it can seem

Grind culture is ultimately toxic and you do not need to be productive all the time

[filbobaggins]

Lessons from study - 16/11/21

I’m rather busy with coursework at the moment but there is one thing I realised in doing so that I really wanted to share. Sometimes, I am okay with failure. That’s something I never thought I would say because I struggle so much with making mistakes but it is true. Ask anyone that does computer science and they will tell you one thing for sure, nothing works the first time. It’s almost damn near impossible to get things right at first and it can also be very difficult sometimes to work out exactly where you made a mistake too. 90% of the process is debugging code and fixing bug after bug.

Now how does this relate to my mental health. Well I just spent 3 hours looking for the solution to one simple error. When I finally spotted it after all that time, the feeling of relief and elation was crazy and this isn’t a one time thing. Fixing a difficult bug that has taken time to find is one of the most rewarding parts of being a computer scientist. And once you’ve made a mistake you almost never make the exact same one again. I suppose you feel it more as it’s much more obvious in a learning environment but this applies to general life too, not just logical tasks like this. Almost always there is a solution to the problems we face in life and almost always we do have the ability to find it even if it is not always clear. And when we overcome our problems it can feel truly amazing and whatever happens we learn so much along the way. We may have to try various approaches but in the end we always make it.

The recent coding fun has reminded me of another event too. Back one year ago when I had first started seeking help for anxiety I experienced the wonderful experience of accidentally deleting and losing 3 hours worth of coding. It was infuriating but I remained calm and took the rest of the afternoon off to look after myself, a real first for me. What I can now take away from this story now comes from what happened after. Because, the thing is, I lost the progress but not the experience and when I came to code that stuff again I was done within an hour. Now it’s a bit of a philosophical question but I’d argue that I didn’t really lose 3 hours of work there, I only lost 1. And I think that’s a good way of thinking of setbacks in recovery too. Your experience is always going to be constantly going and setbacks may not always be as bad as they first seem because even though it may feel like it, you are not truly just back where you started. In reality, you have learnt a lot and while you may be in the same place, the effort needed to escape from it may be far less.

Key ideas:

Setbacks are not as bad as they may seem in the moment. They are opportunities to practise skills and learn more and gain experience

Overcoming difficult challenges is very rewarding

[filbobaggins]

Spoopy weather

[filbobaggins]

Embracing the unknown - 13/11/21

So I’ve been ill again recently which is always fun but it gave me a good topic for this post so swings and roundabouts I guess. I’ve spent the majority of this afternoon trying to get someone to see me over what appears to be tonsillitis and that took a lot of time between phone calls, driving half an hour to an out of hours GP clinic and having to drive to a covid test centre after too. And I mean, it’s not debilitating but even when not chasing around, the pain I’m experiencing is affecting my ability to work.

Anyway, with that in mind I wanted to talk about dealing with unexpected circumstances and changes of plan. As someone with anxiety I have a difficult relationship with planning. Planning things in advance can allow me to prepare and also sticking to a regular plan within my comfort zone can provide a great degree of comfort and is how I mostly live my day to day life. However, on the other hand, more anxiety-inducing events can often be better when they are spontaneous and not planned as otherwise I often find myself spending time before the event worrying about what will happen even though eventually the event is normally as amazing as I expected. In general, I don’t plan things down to the smallest detail but I do like to have a general idea of what I’m doing each day and I try my best to stick to it mostly.

As such, changes to my daily/weekly plans can be scary and cause a degree of anxiety. Due to my perfectionistic tendencies I feel like I should always be spending my time being productive. Over time I have managed to slowly lead myself away from this unhealthy work ethic by planning in general free time into my life. In general, I keep my evenings free and my days busy. Obviously, however, sometimes unexpected things happen and I need to attend to them during the day when I would normally be working. And that often can make me feel anxious. This philosophy I think really started to affect me in my latest relationship where I finally had someone who just wanted to do fun, non-work related things with me all the time, and I realised my anxiety just couldn’t cope. A work life balance is important but my perfectionism and self critical nature had affected me to such a degree I was unable to relax when it was not the ‘scheduled’ time and this really negatively affected me.

So what can we do when something unexpected happens or life deviates from our comfort zone and typical plans. I mean, firstly, be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to be scared and anxious. Everyone is sometimes in life. Secondly, try to enjoy yourself. Enjoy the change of scenery and plan and let yourself realise that enjoying yourself or doing something you need to do to look after yourself is just as important for you as your work. Changes of plan can be annoying but they can be exciting and fun too. So yeah, I suppose this post is really just another reminder to myself that work isn’t everything and that it’s okay to step out of and maybe expand your comfort zone sometimes. Now, I do actually have some work to do… (but at least I recognise my wellbeing is important now too)

Key ideas:

Plans can provide comfort and normality, while spontaneity can help less worry build up before bigger events

It's okay to be scared of change but it's an opportunity to enjoy yourself and learn new things too

[filbobaggins]

Helpful thinking styles - 11/11/21

As I mentioned earlier this week, for a long time I have been aware of the many unhealthy thinking styles people are prone to use from time to time. But one thing I have never really considered is really categorising more healthy ways of thinking so that they can be easier to understand or use in our lives.

Many people who suffer from mental illnesses have mantras that they can repeat to themselves in times of need. These are often just simple encouraging phrases that mean a lot to us and help to calm us as we need. With all this said I wanted to give some examples of ways you can talk to yourself in a healthy, compassionate way. This is not something meant to replace our inner critic but more something to work alongside it to give us a better balance in life.

For a start, it can be helpful to think about how you would talk to a friend or loved one when trying to support them. Show yourself some sympathy, empathy and sensitivity. And try to be non judgemental too. We can so often judge ourselves far harsher than anyone else but we do not need to do so.

I know some people worry about being kinder to themselves as if it will lead to laziness or a lack of motivation but we can even be motivational to ourselves in a healthy, less perfectionism or pressure based way. I have seen this referred to as ‘distress tolerance’ but a simpler explanation would be kind motivation. For example, “Although it’s hard, I want to remind you that there are things you can do that might help make this situation easier”. A message like this can motivate us to action while also giving us a sense of hope and compassion.

I myself have struggled with mantras and using thoughts like this on myself in the past as it does take time to learn to trust your own thoughts in this regard, especially as we learn how thoughts are not always facts to help deal with harmful ones. But over time we can learn to trust our kind thoughts towards ourselves. Making sure to use a gentle and kind tone with ourselves can really help in this regard.

At the end of the day, these healthier ways of thinking aren’t always perfect but that is okay. No one can be perfect but we are still all of value. And don’t worry if your kind thoughts don’t seem logical to you at first. The problem with logic sometimes is it is too conditional, there is a right and wrong answer, but in life that is rarely the case. Just find what works for you.

A final thing I want to add that I learnt recently, returning to unhealthful thinking traps for a moment, is to try to avoid giving yourself ultimatums like, “I will feel better in the morning”, because once again these thoughts end up being conditional and we may feel worse and punish ourselves if we are not better in the morning whereas really this is not our fault and it is okay. Mental health recovery needs no deadline or timeline. We can take as much time as we need and that is perfectly okay.

Key ideas:

Ultimatums lead to conditional love. We deserve unconditional care from ourselves

Being kind to yourself will not make you lazy. You can be kind and motivational

Mantras can help calm or encourage us in the moment.

[filbobaggins]

Keeping things simple - 09/11/21

I’ve realised recently that I possibly make things a little too complicated in some of these posts. I regularly like to point out how complex things are and the beauty in that and while that is true it is also true there are some basic fundamentals that seem to work with everyone in mental health recovery. And even when there are some complex ideas people have to work out by themselves, these are really for tackling on an individual basis and once you figure out what works to you things start to become simpler and simpler until I guess one day you wake up and you don’t have to try so hard anymore. I look forward to reaching that stage where all that I’ve learned is just natural to me.

But yeah. I feel like I am prone to making things sound all poetic in these posts but the truth is things aren’t always poetic and can just be simple. This blog has become very personal with posts all about me and my specific ideas and things that have helped me but I want to share some of the basics which, while many people probably know them, they are still rather helpful for so many of us.

Thinking traps, or unhelpful thinking styles, were for me, one of the first things I was able to start tackling within me. Different sources describe them in different ways and group them differently but the main idea is the same. All of these are ways of thinking that are often harmful to us. As we start to recognise and categorize our thoughts with this in mind we can start to move away from dwelling on the irrational ones and can even learn to rephrase our thoughts to put them in a more realistic and positive light. Thinking traps are a major thing for people with both anxiety and depression and are great to know about:

https://covrugbyiapt.silvercloudhealth.com/static/1081-thinking-errors/assets/Thinking_Traps.29d27f93985d.pdf

Next, and more specifically for anxiety in particular, is learning to deal with worry. In general, worry is split into 2 forms. Hypothetical and realistic worry. Again this split may be described differently by some and there is a grey area but for the basics of CBT this is as simple a model as is needed. Realistic worries are those we can do something about and often the best approach for dealing with them is considered to be problem solving. This involves actively seeking out a solution and then putting it into practise. This can be difficult at first and takes time but it gets easier the more you do as you get used to what works for you in terms of writing out and processing those worries. Hypothetical worries on the other hand are those we can do nothing about, or at least we don’t or can’t know how to deal with. This also includes worries where they may not even happen. These worries, ‘what ifs’ can be particularly harmful and come with overthinking and even if we are right in our prediction we can cause self fulfilling prophecies and often still feel just as bad when the negative thing we predicted happens anyway. We often double our suffering in this way and as such CBT recommends learning to try to let go of these worries, accepting they exist but trying not to let them affect us. This isn’t always easy but again gets far easier in time.

Another thing everyone should know about is exposure therapy for anxiety. This in a way is about being more assertive and standing up for ourselves and involves exposing ourselves to what scares us. Doing this all at once may be too much though so we tend to practise graded exposure, taking things a step at a time to reduce discomfort as we learn to cope with our fears. In the moment of panic there are many different techniques which people learn to cope and ultimately persevere. Some coping strategies can ultimately be harmful in the long term like avoidance and alcohol but more helpful ones do exist like breathing exercises and grounding techniques. Breathing exercises especially are an incredibly simple technique anyone can learn to employ when feeling panicked but really it’s all about finding what works for you.

Finally, after mentioning all this stuff you should do as someone recovering from mental illness I want to say what I think I have recently decided is the most important part of my recovery and that is to just be kind to yourself. Show yourself some compassion. This healing process is difficult and long and you will make mistakes and that is okay. No one is perfect and we are all human. Through every step of recovery and implementing these CBT techniques, try to not put too much pressure on yourself and just be kind to yourself. This isn’t always easy in yourself but self compassion will step in for you whenever you fail and help lessen the pain. Treat yourself as you would a friend. Gentle empathy and understanding go a long way. You are not a failure or broken or useless, you are just going through a difficult process and you will get through it. And it doesn’t matter how long it takes you.

But yeah, I really like how this post has turned out. I think it really encapsulates some of the key messages I have learnt in my recovery and I hope they resonate with others too. We’re all bonded by this shared human experience and there’s comfort in that. Slowly we make our way towards a happier way of life and a better world. And I said things weren’t poetic...

Key ideas:

Recognising and categorising helpful thinking styles is a great way to help you to rephrase harmful thoughts

Overthinking often can create self fulfilling prophecies

[filbobaggins]

More lessons from a setback - 08/11/21

I am feeling better today. Not quite perfect, but better. But there’s a couple more lessons I think are worth sharing from my small setback. I think the main thing I want to talk about is unavoidable worries.

Often, for people with anxiety, when we are anxious we practise avoidance. While this is sometimes a useful short term solution this teaches our body that this is the right approach and also doesn’t actually solve the problem. Graded exposure on the other hand, is a far more effective long term approach as many people dealing with anxiety will know. Over time, and step by step, we can build up to facing our fears and in doing so we slowly overcome them.

Unavoidable worries, for me, are the sort of worries you can’t use avoidance to escape. For example, like in my current case, some looming deadlines. Without taking a drastic approach like dropping out of uni this is not an avoidable scenario and is something I am forced to face. While exposure is often a good thing, too much at once can still be difficult to cope with and sometimes unavoidable worries may take this form. For me, I think what helps most in this scenario is to recognise and accept that you are worrying about this thing but there is nothing you can do about it. When there is nothing you can do about something that may seem scary and cause anxiety but when there is nothing you can do that does take a degree of pressure off of you. At this stage you can choose to stop overthinking the worry and considering what you might be able to do against it.

This is similar to dealing with hypothetical worries. For realistic worries, solving the problem in whatever form that may take, is often the best solution but for hypothetical worries the best approach is often to accept the worry and then, understanding nothing can be done, attempting to let it go.

The other thing I want to talk about is learning to trust yourself. I came to the realisation recently that I make a lot of broken promises to myself. Even things as simple as, I’ll go and do that piece of work just after this video etc.. We all do stuff like this, telling ourselves, I’ll do that tomorrow, Just one more game and I’ll go to bed, etc. etc.. This in itself is mostly normal but it is still something I want to work on to improve my relationship with myself and to grow as a person and improve my mental health. In particular I hope as I learn to trust myself better I will also learn to trust myself to do what I need to do even without anxiety driving me. I know deep down and the statistics say that I can and will still work even while putting less pressure on myself but I don’t quite trust myself yet.

But yeah, that’s just a couple things I have thought about these last couple days. Maybe you’ve had similar thoughts before. Either way, I hope these ideas may be helpful and show that even if the difficult times we are constantly journeying towards recovery.

Key ideas:

Avoidance is only useful in the moment and reinforces our anxiety

Graded exposure helps us face our worries in manageable steps

Unavoidable and hypothetical worries can often simply be let go. This is difficult but can be learnt with practise

Realistic worries can require problem solving. Writing things down can help with this process

Be careful to not promise yourself things you can't be sure about (e.g. You WILL feel better tomorrow)

It's okay if you can expose yourself to everything at once. Take it slow so it's not overwhelming.

[filbobaggins]

Feeling fragile - 07/11/21

Today I have felt rather fragile. In fact, the last 2 days have been difficult really. I had a brilliant Friday night but just didn't find myself feeling great the next morning. Honestly, I had a spectacular early half of this week with fun, friends and a lot of productivity too but despite that work is starting to pile up and it is starting to make me feel considerably stressed.

So yeah. It's been a bit of a setback and I have not been feeling great throughout. I have felt stressed, anxious and also just feeling like also I'm just really missing someone I was once much closer too. Things are different this time though. As usual I am making sure to remind myself that setbacks are part of the experience and to try to see this as an opportunity to learn but the major difference I have noticed is that I am being a lot gentler with myself.

I've taken the time to notice a few other things too which has been interesting. Most notably I have noticed that my motivation to work and productivity has been significantly decreased by this anxiety about needing to work. I think this is good to think about. As I have mentioned before I think many people cling onto anxiety as they worry they'd experience a lack of motivation without it but this is not the case and this affirms that for me.

Anyway. I have listen out some of my worries (a useful practise I would recommend in this kind of scenario) and made a little dent into this today. I hope to feel better tomorrow and to continue to process these worries. But at the same time I will remember to be gentle with myself when I struggle too. We all experience times of struggle and anxiety but these cycles are only temporary.

[filbobaggins]

Criticising the inner critic

We can all be self critical at times but for those of us with mental illnesses, this is often taken to the extreme. We don’t often think about our inner-critic but when we do we can see our inner-critic is often almost bullying us and ultimately having a real negative effect on our thoughts and feelings.

I spent the first bulk of my journey through mental health recovery criticizing myself at every turn. I learnt the skills and tools I was told I needed to recover and I tried my very best to implement them all the time. And those tools do and did work in many scenarios but where they ultimately failed was the pressure I put upon myself to use them. When I’d feel physically sick and anxious, I spent a lot of time telling myself how “I need to do this”, “I need to get better”, “It’s all in my head” and “There’s no need to be anxious”. All things I had learnt and all things that at least felt true and mostly are but all things that meant piling an overwhelming amount of pressure on myself.

Now the inner-critic does have a role to play within us and really discussing and understanding its purpose and downfalls can be incredibly confusing at first but I’d encourage you to try it for yourselves. Our inner critics can be motivational, perceptive (though sometimes they may notice a little too much) and help encourage learning growth and a drive towards goals. The inner critic fits well in evolutionary models of our brain and helps us avoid threats by showing us the potential problems around us.

However the inner critic can seem a little too goal focussed, rather than happiness focussed, and can often be overly persistent and provide quite a negative perspective to things (playing devil’s advocate in a way) all with the aim to protect you from perceived danger. It’s always good to get a complete collection of perspectives on things in life but also we should learn to trust ourselves too and negative perspectives can be draining and difficult. Also the inner critic can often take the enjoyment out of success (almost by presenting itself as the only reason for success) but doesn’t take any of the blame for failure letting you experience that all yourself.

I suppose in general the inner critic is very good at showing us problems but too narrow minded and unable to give solutions which can be very frustrating. But the inner-critic is part of us and while we can change it and the way we interact with it, we cannot simply ignore it or get rid of it. In fact, when we start to battle with our inner critic, almost criticizing our own inner critic in a way, we are ultimately just criticizing ourselves and hurting ourselves even further.

We did an exercise in therapy where we tried to visualise our inner critic and just talk to it. This was a strangely impactful experience for me which really almost left me in tears because ‘talking’ to my inner-critic it really felt like it was only trying to help and maybe I had been overly harsh on it, in the same way I felt it had been to me. I suppose, for me, understanding the inner-critic is about recognising its existence and importance but understanding that we don’t always need to listen to it and that there are others options. Perhaps, for a start, we should strive to develop an inner-friend to soothe us or be kind to ourselves when we need it.

Key ideas:

We can't remove our inner critic but we can understand that it is only trying to help

Rather than critiquing our inner critic and resenting what's ultimately a part of us we can provide a more compassionate voice to work with the critic