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*phone call*

Jason; I’m sorry, Talia. I can’t kill Bruce.

Talia: You asked me yesterday if I could “break Bruce out of the afterlife so I can kill him over and over.”

Jason: Yeah…that would have been fun. But he’s given me an offer I can’t refuse.

Talia: He killed the clown?

Jason: He gave me a first edition Pride and Prejudice book. It says by a lady instead of Jane Austen.

Talia: You are sacrificing months of training and planning for a book?

Jason: I’m weak, Talia. I’m weak.

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Secret identity shenanigans

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Bruce: Why pouting?

Clark: You had a kid and you didn't tell me.

Bruce: I had plenty of kids. You need to be more specific.

Clark: You had a kid of your own, and you didn't tell me.

Bruce: Are you making differences between bio kids and adopted kids? 'Cause I have some big news for you, alien boy.

Clark: You had a son with Talia al Ghul.

Bruce: Listen, it was an accident-

Clark: Are you telling me you just happened to get Talia al Ghul pregnant?

Bruce: You knocked up Lois!

Clark: We were engaged? She's not my arch-enemy?? I didn't keep it from you???

Bruce: Hey, cut me some slacks! I was a bit shocked! I mean, how would you react if you found out to have a secret child with Lex Luthor?!

Clark: *nervous laugh*

Bruce: ???

Clark: What an odd choice of words...

(BRB gonna use this dialogue in my Superbat WIP)

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Floating in the night sky

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Little comic

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TimKon first kiss!

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Jason: “I’m NOTHING like Bruce, okay? We’re not even that similar. That’s all in your head.”

Dick, perched on Jason’s couch watching him gear up, sipping a Batburger shake: “so you’re NOT about to go deal with your emotions by going out on patrol and beating people up?”

Jason: *sets down the brass knuckles he was just holding* *stares off into the distance*

Jason: “These are just…for my — look, I don’t like your fucking tone, Richard.”

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I just woke up and somehow the only thought in my head was Jason Todd as an Etsy witch but he only sells ‘violent spells’ and instead of doing spell work he just personally goes out and beats the shit out of whoever you choose

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Undead and Ghost Jason

Part two | Part one

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people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

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jason todd who progressively lies more and more as to explain how he came back to life

Tim: How the fuck did you win Uno 19 times in a row

Dick: Yeah you used to suck at this

Jason: Yeah actually that entire excuse that Superboy Prime punched the universe was a lie. I actually just called Death a bitch and challenged it to a game of Uno that lasted six months and won

Tim:

Dick:

Jason: :)

---

Damien: Mother should have never allowed you to heal in the Lazarus Pits.

Jason: Actually I healed because when I was dead I was a ghost and like. Haunting Gotham as one does and then realised my dumbass body somehow left the grave so I had to find it and imagine how pissed I was when I found it in the Chernobyl pool

Damien:

Jason: Ghosts can't really hitch rides okay, I had to fucking walk

---

JL: He came back... Wrong

Jason: Actually B lied that I died. I left to a boarding school and found my true passion, unicycling, and decided to unicycle over Eurasia and B was so embarrassed that he just started telling people I died

---

Roy: So... How was death?

Jason: I fist fought St. Peter and fucking won he had to send me back

---

Bruce, present for all of these: How did you actually come back to life, do you know? Have any theories?

Jason: The worms refused to eat me because I was so skinny and Mother Nature herself called me a disgrace and kicked me out

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Jason doesn't get to announce his revival dramatically because Talia decides to be petty (she is her father's daughter, alright) and randomly sends Jason's photo with little Damian to Bruce in a random Monday.

Bruce: (minding his business)

Talia, messaging in the middle of the day: Beloved. Look at our beautiful sons.

Talia: (sends a photo of Jason reading little Damian a book while he drools)

Bruce, with his eye twitching: IS THAT JASON?

Bruce: SONS?

Bruce: TALIA?

Talia, turning her phone to Jason: A family photoshoot would ruin him completely. I'm just saying.

Jason, staring at the screen: ...

Jason: Call Ra's. We are doing the sweetest family photoshoot this world had ever seen. I need the old man to get a stroke.

Talia: ...I sense like I made some mistake here.

They ship printed photos of this photoshoot directly to Wayne Manor in the various copies. Jason brings little Damian to his father in a few weeks and announces that he himself will stay only for a short amount of time before returning to "grandpa Ra's." Bruce locks up all doors and forbids anyone from leaving it. .

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I physically need Jason Todd to have several popular accounts as a reviewer of, honestly, anything.

New article in Gotham Gazette? A famous five-star reviewer already wrote a comment on what unethical methods the writer had used, along with debunking the rest of the article. And guess what? It has more likes than the original post.

New restaurant opened? Another famous critique just finished polishing a very detailed post regarding everything inside it — the decor, the cooking techniques, the service (he almost never picks up on waiters, though). It is so on the spot that, honestly, the owners can't even argue with the review.

New movie? Uh-uh, be sure you write your characters properly. New vigilante? Get detailed information on your methods of work and fighting style — and, hey, it might be even useful. New book? Be careful, someone is about to kick your ass on the Internet, unless written worthy.

The funniest part? No one assumes that it is the same person.

And the batfamily? Well, they have no time for this. Expect for... Tim.

Tim, sending a link to Vale's article: Hood. Drag her ass.

Jason: lol

Jason: give me, like, an hour–

Tim: Had I told you you are my favourite?

Jason: i might have an idea, yeah

Tim: Hood. The new restaurant is so ass. They are also homophobic and stared at me and Kon the whole evening like we killed someone. Do something.

Jason: sec

(The restaurant gets closed in, like, two days after that)

Tim: Jason. Bruce pisses me off this week.

Jason: LOL

Jason: wake up, birdie, the new article shitting on Batman's technics just dropped

Tim: YAY

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how do i get into a relationship without being in a realationship with someone?

yeah i get it it makes no sense but i just in love with the concept of a relationship but i just cant really imagine it with an actual person.

Random person? no, i dont know them so i cant imagine it. Someone i already know? i kinda can imagine it, but i already know why it wouldnt work.

I have no problem with being aroace, but it really annoys me that i want something, that so ordinary, but need to have it in a roundabout way.

its not even just finding someone who would be okay with the stuff that comes with me, but they also something that i want, bc without sexual and romantic attraction i have no idea how am i supposed to like start looking

like i downloaded a dating app a few days ago just to take a look, try it out, and i dont care about men as a principle, but also i just feel bad thinking about talking to a woman or nb person bc i dont wanna waste their time

i wish i could just get into a qpr with one of my friends but i already know that im not what they want and they not what i want in that sense

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Broke:

Belle has Stockholm syndrome because she falls in love with the Beast, her kidnapper.

Woke:

Stockholm syndrome was coined to slander a woman who had been in a hostage situation but openly criticized the poor police response which recklessly put her in more danger and escalated the violence. She was then belittled and discredited publically by the police for this.

So. Yeah. Maybe Belle does have Stockholm syndrome actually.

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became mutual with irl on main so i guess swcons blog here i come

and with an other one on twitter?????????

i need a new space to rant

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👀