how-to-escape-from-home

[how-to-escape-from-home]

Pain

I’m in pain. And I wanna say it out loud. I’ve been abused for 20 years of my life, I’ve been bullied and I’ve been left alone and to die and rot in an abusive household. I have daily acid re-flux and eczema which make making music and drawing a problem. I am transgender and this journey could be easier and faster here in Germany. I know it since three years and couldn’t make serious steps forward, because I was trapped in a place full of hate and violence. I hurt other people and other people hurt me. Not that long ago somebody threatened to kill me and somebody tried to kill themselves 10 minutes later. I’m in pain. I want it to end. I want to feel happiness again. I’m mostly scared now.

The whole situation is overwhelming. I am sitting in a small AirBnb in Munich, in a quarter I really don’t wanna be in, and everybody seems closed minded and aggressive, and not okay with the way I’m dressed or Trans or Gay people in general, while outside a pandemic is going on and Bavaria is on a total shutdown and lockdown, so U can only go outside alone or with ur family, I haven’t seen my friends in so long, at least not in a month, well I did, but it feels so long. Also I’m scared

Very scared

And that’s okay

I am gonna message my abuser now and tell him, that I need more money for AirBnbs the next two weeks

I love myself

Every day is getting better and easier

So it’s okay to have bad days

I love myself

I don’t wanna kill myself

And I don’t want anybody to kill me

I love myself

I love Me

I love that I’m  funny

I love that I can sing now

I love that I make music

I love that I know how to have fun now

I love that I know how happiness feels like 

I love to live

I love to love

And maybe I’m falling in Love

My name is ME and I love myself

Read this when Ur sad

Your 21 year old self 

Ur 21 year old U

I’m singing Cherry wine by Jasmine Thomson rn

Love Urself

U wonderful Babe

Thank U for getting me out

Thank U  for showing me life

and what life can be

Read this when U feel lonely 

because Ur not

Read this if ur scared

Because U don’t need to be

Because I love U

And U love urself

And I sincerely hope that ur asking urself, what the fuck U’ve been on rn XD

I love yourself baby

So love Urself too

Love U

ME

Also Love myself

Cool for the summer is playing now

Imma go dance in my livingroom XD

Love U

Have a good one babe

All Ur sadness is happiness on a grey day

Time to see the sunshine

[how-to-escape-from-home]

Quick reminder

that you don’t need to know, what you’re doing, as long as you don’t forget, that you are worth attention and love. love ya all

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Not my home

I am in another German city, another place I don’t feel home. It feels dull, I am miserable and I feel trapped. 

I met some amazing and wonderful people, but I can’t get out of my head. 

The trauma of the past closed in when I got a fever over a week ago. It is okay to feel strange or scared. Trauma is not your fault. I felt unproductive and like I don’t know where I am or wanna be, who I am or what makes me me. I didn’t smile on my own for a week now. Life feels weird. It is not fun here, so I’m gonna make it fun again. I hate this place and its dullness. I am scared and afraid. I feel terror and fears emerging. It doesn’t feel right to be here. It feels right to write about it. This is not a mental breakdown. This is me sharing what I’ve learned within the past year. I love myself and I am worth more than staying in a place I don’t wanna be. Especially not for a girl or out of laziness. I am worth more.

It was great to do something and come here, but I miss the clarity of Munich and the rush of productivity everybody is in. I miss knowing the place I’m at. Although I miss Oxford and England as a home, this is the first time, I miss being in Munich.

Stay woke people

Love yourself

Chloe

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Me

Hey guys, I caught a cold, but it’s okay, and life was kinda crazy and I had to ask myself, where I wanna go and who I am. I took some time off, from what I’m used to and what I had, in my already chaotic, daily life.

I didn’t see my old friends, met new amazing ones. I forgot about old crushes and got new ones. And even though it took a long time, I feel like I can finally move on from human relationships and start new ones. I mean: I had some starting difficulties and it took time, but for the last two days I feel like I finally came to terms with myself. I have been miserable the last few days, trying to be, what I’m not. I feel like myself again.

I feel like I can say ‘No’ and what I want to others.

If somebody doesn’t like me as me, that’s cool. I’m me and I’m proud to be.

There are so many people out there, that there are enough people, that will like me and spend time with me and work with me on cool stuff.

I am sick of being dependent on other people and I can trust myself now. I felt lost and didn’t know what to do. I thought the people around me, what I do, what I want to do, what I watch, what I eat is who I am. But it’s not.

I am me and my life after abuse just started.

And I can trust myself, finally, because I finally love myself.

Happy new Year Bitches !

[how-to-escape-from-home]

Advent

It's the third advent this year, and the first I've spent alone, without friends ir people that are like my family. It feels weird and I feel lonely. I havent been abke to wash my stuff in too long and couldn't shower in 2 days now. I don't like smelling sweaty or not clean, although no one else will recognise. I feel afraid, when calling my biological makers. And I hate them. More than anything. And they are the only people I hate. I am afraid of them and don't want them in my life. I've closed off for a few days now, to regenerate and find to myself again. But I am myself. I won't ever do the same mistakes I did before. Because I care now. I don't just survive. I love. I fear. I feel pain. I feel. And it is amazing. And I am glad and happy about all the wonderful and amazing people, that I can call my family now. They are more than friends to me. They are who I love and care about. They are my family. I am just sad, that I spent this third advent without them, just because I can't accept, that I've changed and am afraid from time to time. Afraid of getting used to pain and agression. But I won't. I know it was terror and nothing will make me forget. I am worth my selflove and selfcare and the love of others. And I can love others.

I am just sad, I didn't spend this Advent not with more beautiful and wonderful and amazing people besides myself, still beeing dizzy from beeing sick the last few days, and not drinking enough and not taking care of myself. I AM WORTH IT AND SO ARE YOU. LOVE YOURSELF. I LOVE MYSELF.

I guess, I just miss my friends today. I will call them the next time I feel alone. Starting now.

💛💛💛💛💛🌈

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I don’t know!

3 days ago I had a talk with the people I ran away from and two wonderful mediatiors. It’s been traumatizing. It’s been scary. I don’t know what to say. It’s been a big mix out of: ‘’We didn’t do anything wrong’’ and ‘’Why don’t you do better? Why do you fuck this up?’’, whilst I am trying to survive and make them see that I am traumatized. Afraid for my life. That I am feeling terrorized and dirty. I have been abused. I have been hurt. I did horrible things, because I thought, even just for a seccond, that they were normal. That anger and agression were normal. That living in pain and fear would be normal. But it isn’t. And I ran. And I won’t stop running till I’m safe. Till I’m feeling safe. I won’t ever stop to run from what hurt me, till I can start a new life, completly. I am worth living in safety and happieness. in luck and in love. To have a family I love. I always feell like I’m writing a goodbye letter. And I am. I am saying goodbye to my old life. And I am starting a new life. It is time to start. And I am nervous, scared, terrefied and confused. And that’s okay.

Much Love

Chloe

If you’re sad, think of baby sneks. <3

Also: If you’re feeling trapped: A house is just like a box of paper with holes in it. you can just go. You can leave and run away.

Ya’all be safe. <3<3<3

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Time

Time is such a weird concept to me. Or rather how you experience it as a human in your daily life.

Since I ran away a few months ago, every day was different. A new place, a new routine, a new rhythm. Now that I am back at the house I've been abused in, violated in – with the people who did the inexcusable to me and ruined my life for about two decades before I decided to run away – I am calming down. After a few weeks. I'm getting a daily routine, kind of – I am in the bathroom at 6:30 p.m. on a Monday to brush my teeth and shower, shave which is the most important to me as a trans person. And it feels weird. Like I'm not capable anymore of having a daily routine or any control over it. It is a big re-learning to cook at the right time, wake up at the same time every day and go to bed at 11 p.m..

And it is scary. Scarier than most things I've done. Being in an environment I don't feel safe in – for good reason – and getting ticks and some kind of OCD or whatsoever together with some kind of PTSD or trauma and the fear and anxiety surrounding this horrendous place which is nothing but horror to me – and still trying to fit in makes me scared that I get used to the abuse again. To what happened and what will happen if something goes wrong or just happens. It's like a winter storm. You never know when it's gonna hit you. And I don't know what I am gonna do. Where I'm gonna go. Who I am. And where and how my home is. But I know that my home is still in Oxford. The only place I've ever felt home in my entire life. Ever felt understood except for one person lately, since I transitioned. I know why: because I love myself, I won't take it anymore and I am not gonna settle for something 'okay' I'm gonna go to 'AMAZING', because I'm worthy. Because I care. I'm one of the good ones and I know what to do. I know what's right or wrong. Because I love and am full of love. And I will make it out of here. Even if it feels like a prison: it is just a house with four walls a few windows and doors I can walk out of any time, with two idiots cruel and stupid in it, I can avoid and leave behind, when I'm ready to go and start good. Because this is not my old life. It's my new one. And I can make of it, whatever I want. Spread love. Care. Do everything different than I've learned in this horrible environment. Now I know better. And I care. And I love myself and so should you. And you should be able to. To learn all these wonderful things about yourself. And to love yourself before you can love anybody else. So now I am ready to love anybody else. 💛💛💛

[how-to-escape-from-home]

[how-to-escape-from-home]

Beeing f-ing terrified

Beeing back in the house I grew up, surrounded by all the pain and terror I've felt in here makes me wanna scream. I feel scared and crushed underneath the weight of all the time lost in the void that should be home to me. Like I can't run away from here. Even the thought of having to stay makes me wanna kill myself. Like I'd have no chance to escape. To get out of this horrendous place. But I can. I can just run away quite soon. I need to get out more.

Also I've been sick from things I can't eat and accid reflux and couldn't get out of the house because of it. At least not for long. I need to take care of my health from now on. I WANT to take of my health. Fresh cooking, not spending to much time in the house and seeing friends. Quite simple actually XD

I AM IMPORTANT

If you know how to break out of your fear again. My friends are my family. And excactly what I need rn

On the other hand I've talked with the people that should be my parents about money and health, mainly because I've been vonurable and sick -- but I didn't feel better because of it. No matter how nice I try to be, the more I see nothing changed. It sucks and is frustrating to see that they don't even realise what they've done and might be doing it to other people. Luckily not me anymore. At least not for long. And for the days lasting I am gonna stand my ground. F#$k polite. F@#k nice. I am worth it and the only one who realises that shit is going down. I need to live myself more than ever to keep the bad thoughts out. I know I can get out. I did it before. And I'm not getting sucked in anymore. I'm done beeing the nice guy. Time to take care of myself.

Love you all and leave some love in the comments

How do you handel stressful situations?

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THE AFTERMATH

Today I feel afraid. To walk down the street as a transgender woman. Beeing on my own in a hostel room with five guys. No one to protect me. What if I get raped? Stabbed? Killed? Punched? Or emotionally hurt once more?

I am scared to be a victim. Since I'm out of the abusive house again after taking care of some stuff I feel stressed and nowhere safe. I can't sleep. Like there is no safespace. I am scared. Today and hopefully not for much longer.

I just wanted to share what it feels like if fear and agression has been your whole life for 20 years. I am just waiting for it to happen again.

But I'm pushing through and working on it. It is time to make a change and change my life. I can't stay in hostels anymore. I need to find myself again. And my sense of reality imstead of these glasses of fear. I am gonna overcome it again. Faster than before. I'm slightly panicking rn XD so I'm gonna stop and take a walk to get out of my own head.

Feel safe

I know it gets better

I still feel scared though XD

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PAiN AND HOW TO OVERCOME iT

I feel afraid, like my whole body is hurting, but it is my mind beeing on fire.

I could scream and cry. Punch a wall, just wanna sleep through it. I feel afraid, how tge fear directs every movement I make. At least thats how I feel. I couldn't cry in weeks, never have felt save expect in one place that is out of reach. I hate people, even the ones I love. I feel alone. But am I? I know I'm not, but I feel like nothings moving forward. Like I'm stuck in the same grey plasticball I'm comming from. I am burned out or at least right before it. I can't move -- can't think. Life is feeling hard and breathing even harder. There are only a few people I would like to talk to rn since I feel like I am very easily  with changing my beliefsystems with the wrong people arround me in this moment -- when I'm vulnerable in public. I feel afraid to loose my path and to loose my friends. All the people I like. Which is simply bs. Beeing afraid should never be any kind of indicator if you should go for smth or not. I may feel afraid and scared, maybe horrified maybe stressed or like I can't do it anymore at some point. But truth is: I can. Everyone can. We all can do what we believe we can't. What everyone believes we can't. And in the moment we are bowing down in front of fear and anxiety we are giving in and start with stopping beeing us. Ourselfs and what we can be. Fear goes by, you can live with anxiety and work on it. Burnout? Change your life. It may be hard and crazy. But all these things are saying, screaming out loud that you need to change something because your not happy. You NEED to change your life.

Be the best You you can be.

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Fear

I always have to think about casey neistats words: Do what You can't. Playing it safe is terrible advise. This video is to all the haters, the doubters, my 7th grade vice principal (probably got the quote wrong, bu you get it)

Since I ran away from home without really a plan and despreatly trying to do what makes me happy (videographeur, creator, creative) it happens more and more often that people say: Get a Job, Settle Down, Play it safe. Having to worry about money isn't right. Rather give up your dreams and hopes for now instead of risking it all to do what makes you happy. But this is sh**y advise. After already having the feeling that I've lost over 20 years of my life to my abusive Parents, loosing all of my creativity and bringing me close to a burnout in every way possible and starting to living years in months trying to spin the globe and my world within this life faster to beat time itself and regain every lost moment that a child and a teen never had to the grown up I have become.

I meet people everyday, in hostels, in streets, having dinner or just partying hard, telling me about their lost dreams. About what they don't do because they are afraid. Life should never be lived by fear. Neither should you give in to it. Fear is to be conquered. Dreams pursued. Made reality. And every creative mind should be like a butterfly on the rise.

The only thing I regret is time. Not having it to be percise.

Try to beat the system. Beat the haters. Your 7th grade vice principal.

DO WHAT YOU CAN'T

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THANK YOU

Of course being a parent is hard. It's really hard. I would never even suggest that any part of it is easy.

But I can guarantee that having an abusive parent is much, much harder.

Please don't use the fact that parenting is hard as an excuse to abuse children. Learn from your mistakes and other people, and be the best parent you can be. Be the best person you can be.

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Thank you for this reminder. It is so important. Always remember: it is okay to have scars, we just need to learn to cope with them.

I just saw this and it hit me so hard ! I have so many behaviors linked to abusive moments. I’ve just recently began to really understand that i’ve been emotionally abused for all my life and seeing that i’m not alone made me feel more powerful ! So share your trauma people ! It might help someone ! And as always don’t hesitate to talk to me, i’m always there for you ! ❤️

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JUST A QUICK INTRODUCTION

Hi, my Name is Nicole Jenice. And I ran away from home for the first time about a year ago. Now I'm living alone and traveling wherever I wanna go. I'm a 20 year old Transgender and lived most of my life through the abusement and hate of my biological parents and others. BUT I made it out and this is the place I'm gonna share everything I've learned. From how to take care of myself, to feeling valid, from practicing selflove to how to organize your way to whereever your dreams lead you.