#abusesurviver

[meandmymoisl]

“You don’t need to,” he says. “You don’t need to if you don’t want to.” His eyes look straight into mine. I try to look away, ashamed and insecure, but he holds me close. “I mean it as I say,” he tells me as if he’d read my mind. “You don’t need to do it. Take your time. Never do anything you don’t want to do.”

I couldn’t have cried harder.

~ A-K. K. — #CYHM #1 — You don’t have to

[justaqueerlesbiantransgirl]

Burnout

I am burned out

I don’t know what I want, don’t know what to say and am barely surviving emotionally and mentally.

Trauma is getting triggered every day and the people who did this to me, act like nothing happened. I am looking forward to leaving this mess behind and start a new life, without abuse and hate in it, without aggression and fear.

I just want to take care of myself, have time and resources to love myself and to have a normal, quiet and exciting life. 

I can do whatever I want.

I didn’t for the last week, don’t know what I want or who I am anymore.

I am going to take a break to find myself and what I like and love, without fear of abuse in my life. 

Nothing will take me back there and I know now, that nothing that happened was my fault.

I am gonna live a normal life and deserve to be happy.

Love ya all.

[how-to-escape-from-home]

Me

Hey guys, I caught a cold, but it’s okay, and life was kinda crazy and I had to ask myself, where I wanna go and who I am. I took some time off, from what I’m used to and what I had, in my already chaotic, daily life.

I didn’t see my old friends, met new amazing ones. I forgot about old crushes and got new ones. And even though it took a long time, I feel like I can finally move on from human relationships and start new ones. I mean: I had some starting difficulties and it took time, but for the last two days I feel like I finally came to terms with myself. I have been miserable the last few days, trying to be, what I’m not. I feel like myself again.

I feel like I can say ‘No’ and what I want to others.

If somebody doesn’t like me as me, that’s cool. I’m me and I’m proud to be.

There are so many people out there, that there are enough people, that will like me and spend time with me and work with me on cool stuff.

I am sick of being dependent on other people and I can trust myself now. I felt lost and didn’t know what to do. I thought the people around me, what I do, what I want to do, what I watch, what I eat is who I am. But it’s not.

I am me and my life after abuse just started.

And I can trust myself, finally, because I finally love myself.

Happy new Year Bitches !

[patricia-ariel]

"Seduced into Darkness", by therapist Carrie Ishee, is a real story of abuse survival and trauma ending in transformation and renewal. I am humbled and grateful for having my painting "Eurydice" gracing its cover (which was badly cropped by Instagram). Link for book description in comments. . . #patriciaariel #contemporaryart #figurativeart #contemporarypainting #figurepainting #portraitpainting #mixedmedia #bookcoverart #eurydice #mythology #carrieishee #seducedintodarkness #sexualabuse #abusesurvival https://www.instagram.com/p/CHbXcV3hIeZ/?igshid=11xja3bb20m3e

[theswollenclit]

Some people don't understand this but - when some one leaves an abusive relationships, it doesn't just *snaps fingers* and poof your life your great. There is still a lot of trauma and haunting memories to deal with. Especially when that person keeps calling you and trying to talk to you.

It just keeps that victimization cycle going. Every time that phone rings and it's that person - those memories come back. Those feelings of fear, dread, guilt, shame, etc... all flood back. Even when you don't pick up the phone or don't answer that text. The simple name of that person flashing on your phone continues to bring up the traumatic memories you experienced when in that relationship.

I blocked my ex. Yet still, when I check my call log on my phone. I still see where he tried to call me but my phone blocked it. Even that little thing, derailed my day and made me feel self conscious. My anxiety is sky high.. Is he outside? Did I turn on my security system at home? Are all my windows locked? Am I safe? Will he try to stop by? Do I need someone to stay the night? Should I go to a friend's house? Etc... the mental questions doesn't stop.

In all honesty, the anxiety never stops after a abusive relationship. Your heightened to every little thing. New cars in the neighborhood, looking at the drivers of similar cars as your abuser, every noise outside your home becomes serious. You take a different route to work. You think about changing cars, selling your home, moving to a different state. You think about every possible thing you can do to distance yourself from that person. There is so much more that changes your core being, how you live, and how much you trust others that I had to learn to deal with after leaving my abuser. It's scary. It's paralyzing at times. It's overwhelming. And ultimately, it's a lifetime process of self preservation after moving on from a abusive situation.

Side note: I'm still uncomfortable with calling myself a surviver or a abuse victim but my therapist says it's good for me not to minimize my experiences and I need to work on my own validation of what I went through.

Be kind to a #abusesurviver

[theproverbialdandelion]

When you wake up and realise it’s Wednesday and you’ve lost a day and a half and can’t really remember it all very well at all, I’m still along way to go after having my #ptsd majorly triggered on Monday to the point where my current life feels like a dream and that I’m going to wake up to being 16 again. At least I’ve realised now that I’m disassociating a lot, that and the fact my brain is on high alert and I shouldn’t really be around the general public #ptsdwarriors #abusesurviver

[meandmymoisl]

If I’ll be sad, You won’t see me cry. You’ll see me swallow, keeping my head up high. You’ll see me at Oldtimer events, drinking with my friends. You’ll see me screaming on concerts Or screaming in my car.

But deep down in my heart, I’ll cry. I’ll break. Over and over again.

Behind my walls and doors I’ll break down. Aloud. But you won’t see any of this.

~ so don’t judge me for the way I express my sadness. You have no idea what things I carry.

~ Moisl

• • •

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#sad #abusesurviver #trauma #traumapoetry #traumatherapy #traumasurvivor #traumapoesie #words #writings #excerpts #depression #crying #mourn #grief #moisl #writer #scream #selfmade #event #sadness #breakdown #processing #dealing #personal #therapy #mentalhealth #missing #recovery #myself (at Germany) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGEqZqqlxMi/?igshid=7yj3haizybin

[meandmymoisl]

»Can you please hold me in your arms?« she asked with a crying, cracking voice. Sadly I look down to her. I feel the pain, I feel her unfiltered suffering.

How much I would like to pull her into my arms, but I can’t.

How am I supposed to hold her when she’s so fragil? How am I supposed to hold her when I’m too heavy on my own?

I’m so sorry. A single tear hits the floor, but I’m not here anymore.

I can still hear her silent screams knowing exactly how she feels.

But I just can’t help her. Again I can’t help her. And again i can’t help myself. Again, I can’t save us.

~ R. Cowly — CYHM #1 — Me and Myself and I —

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[meandmymoisl]

I can’t go, I tell him. I’m not strong enough, I don’t even know them.

But what if you’ll stay, he asks. How do you want to make a change, if you’ll never get out of your comfort zone?

You want them to like you, but how shall they know if you don’t give them the chance to get to know you?

—

So I went. And they were happy to see me. And I was happy to see them. And they were nice. And kind. And it was beautiful.

He was right. He is always right.

~ AK for one of my best friends. I’m so happy the universe wanted us to meet each other 💜

• • •

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[justaqueerlesbiantransgirl]

Me

Hey guys, I caught a cold, but it’s okay, and life was kinda crazy and I had to ask myself, where I wanna go and who I am. I took some time off, from what I’m used to and what I had, in my already chaotic, daily life.

I didn’t see my old friends, met new amazing ones. I forgot about old crushes and got new ones. And even though it took a long time, I feel like I can finally move on from human relationships and start new ones. I mean: I had some starting difficulties and it took time, but for the last two days I feel like I finally came to terms with myself. I have been miserable the last few days, trying to be, what I’m not. I feel like myself again.

I feel like I can say ‘No’ and what I want to others.

If somebody doesn’t like me as me, that’s cool. I’m me and I’m proud to be.

There are so many people out there, that there are enough people, that will like me and spend time with me and work with me on cool stuff.

I am sick of being dependent on other people and I can trust myself now. I felt lost and didn’t know what to do. I thought the people around me, what I do, what I want to do, what I watch, what I eat is who I am. But it’s not.

I am me and my life after abuse just started.

And I can trust myself, finally, because I finally love myself.

Happy new Year Bitches !

[meandmymoisl]

l let myself fall. Deeper and deeper. My hands find their way into her hair and at her back. I hold her there. With me.

~ AnKa | Can you hold me II

•

This might be one of my favorite parts of the second part of my story. Him holding her but not having her at all.

•

Part 3 comes the next time 💕

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Words by moisl 📸: @meandmymoisl

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https://www.instagram.com/p/CJBZtfyFgVR/?igshid=1fxa0k6jrxqge

[meandmymoisl]

I remember you lying on your couch, Not being able to talk, move or even to open your eyes, While the darkness took over in front of your windows. The darkness controlled you And all I could do was to lay myself next to you.

I held you close Hoping to help you with my body next to yours. Like I wanted to be hold in my darkest hours, And I let you be.

- AK

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Pic 📸: @meandmymoisl https://www.instagram.com/p/CIxfy_zlz4L/?igshid=1ua05fe4bah9v

[meandmymoisl]

Can you hold me when everything is falling apart? she asks while I’m making my way through. Don’t turn around. Don’t look at her. I tell myself. But in the end she is me and I am her.

~ Rebecca • • • Follow us for more @words_by.moisl • • •

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[meandmymoisl]

Wellenartig. Ich bewege mich wie in Wasser vor und zurück, ohne zu wissen, wo oben oder unten ist. Wellenartig. Werde ich weitergeschwemmt, von einem zum anderen, ohne zu wissen, wann das Land endlich vor mir auftaucht. Mein Kopf ist nur minimal über Wasser. Ständig atme ich Wasser ein, das Salz brennt in meinen Augen. Wellenartig. Strömt es in mir. Um mich herum. Aus mir heraus.

Panik bricht in mir los. Die Wellen nehmen Überhand. Kein Ufer kann mich retten in dieser Trostlosigkeit aus Wasser und Himmel und Wellen. Meine Schreie gehen unter in dem Rauschen und dem Wind und dem Wasser, das mir durch die Nase in die Lungen fließt. Meine Muskeln verkrampfen. Alles ist auf einmal so schwer. Nichts scheint mehr Sinn zu ergeben.

Warum gebe ich nicht einfach auf? Wieso kämpfe ich noch weiter, wo ich doch schon seit einer Ewigkeit weiß, dass kein Land in Sicht kommen wird. Weswegen tauche ich nicht einfach ab, lasse die Wassermassen mich in die Tiefe drücken. Hinab in die Dunkelheit, die Stille und in den Trost.

Meine Nase hängt noch immer über Wasser. Der Husten, der durch das Wasser in meinen Lungen verursacht wurde, wird immer schlimmer. Die Panik kommt stoßweise. Wie die Wellen. Nur ganz anders.

Ich weiß, dass es am Ende kein Entrinnen gibt. Aber das Schiff dort vorne sieht so einladend aus. So hilfsbereit. Ich hoffe nur, dass es nicht nur die Einbildung einer Ertrinkenden ist.

~ Rebecca • • • Follow us for more @words_by.moisl • • •

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[meandmymoisl]

His words were like honey. His arms were like a warm evening in july. He was kind and gentle.

But you know, seasons change and sometimes december comes with the dark.

The darkest hours were once my favorite ones, but in the deep ice no flowers grow.

And now I don’t fear the dark, but the arms like july. Because the dark told me what happened, but the arms of july intrigued me.

So tell me - will your arms stay warm or will they turn to ice?

Hush, don’t say a word, the dark will come - as it always does - and show me what I need to know.

Just hold me now.

As later it’ll be too late.

~ Becci • • • Follow us for more @words_by.moisl • • • If you’re struggling with something or having suicidal thoughts, please look out for help. • • •

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCdxBB7i0AK/?igshid=9x3xs12n46pa

[meandmymoisl]

Sometimes it’s ok if it doesn’t make sense.

~ AnKa

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