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[justsaying40]

I think its time I let you go

I'll become a girl, you used to know

As time passes your memories of me will fade

Just like the love for me you once had died and decayed

I asked what you wanted from me, nothing was your reply

So I turned and walked away broken hearted with tears in my eyes

I think of the life we could have lived

If only you wanted what I had to give

[justsaying40]

[justsaying40]

Not being with you gets a little easier every day

Not being loved by you is more difficult

That's why I'm in pain

[justsaying40]

Old habits die hard. It's the way it's been. You have been down long enough. Your intention is to get on the bike, focus, and be strong.

But it's the way it's been. It's so easy to fall off...you know from experience.

The pain from hitting the ground has become comfortable. Sure, your intentions are sincere. You took time away to have one last hoorah. You know what you want to do when you get home.

But the routine comes to life as soon as you cross that threshold.

Can you break the cycle? You have become aware, conscious of your reality. You are losing balance, do you try to correct yourself? Or do you let yourself fall?

Choices...

[justsaying40]

I want my only regret to be...I didn't start soon enough, not having more time...

I have not lived yet...

[justsaying40]

Never underestimate choice. You are your own higher power. Everything we were taught about life is based off of the choices of others. Be yourself.

[justsaying40]

It's sad really...

She wants so badly to die because she doesn't feel alive...

She hopes for healing and happiness. But doesn't believe in hope so she just feels sadness.

She imagines herself surrounded by people who care while isolating herself until no one was there.

Really, it's sad...

[justsaying40]

Any loss can be heavy, it can suffocate your soul, it makes you feel powerless, it causes despair.

After all...

It's a loss. You cared for it and you lost it. It creates confusion. You ask yourself a million questions, so quickly you have no time to answer, overwhelm sets in because you can't remember all of the questions you asked. Now you ask more, but about where you failed, losing something you wanted to call yours. why? What did I do? where did I go wrong? how could I be so dumb? Am I that worthless? Its the only explanation! How could someone do this? What's wrong with me?

You cry so hard you can't speak, it barely feels like your breathing because you have to gasp for air. All so you can scream and cry more, louder, harder, it hurts.

So you beg, you pleed, maybe bargain, make it stop! make it a dream! this cant be real! Please, I'll do anything please. Just make the pain stop!

But nothing. You get no relief because you can't have answers, because what you lost can't or won't help you.

You feel like nothing because you could do nothing but lose and now the result is you're all alone feeling an emptiness, you know and feel something missing. Still Confused with overwhelming feelings of powerlessness, your short of breath, drowning in tears of despair, and ironically lost. You look around and there's no one and nothing...

Now what?....

[justsaying40]

I am a walking contradiction, yet my opposites attract.

My demons ride shotgun, while my guardian angel is tied up in the back.

I walk on the wrong side of the right street.

I look in the mirror with the lights off so my many personalities and shadow self never meet.

I wear tank tops and shorts when it rains, and sweaters and jeans in 100-degree heat.

I listen to music and sing along in tune, while dancing offbeat.

I have no filter and say too much, but you will rarely hear me speak.

When the weather is overcast my mood is upbeat, when the sun comes out my mood is bleak.

I refuse help I need claiming to be strong, then resent the ones who offered when they are gone.

I isolate from my family and friends but surround myself with people who don’t care, they pretend.

I am afraid of getting hurt so I don’t let people get too close, but cry when I need a friend and end up alone.

So, if you see me around town, act as if I am someone you don’t know.

I do not trust anyone; you will always be damned if you do and damned if you don’t

[justsaying40]

[justsaying40]

To the one that got away, I miss you so much, more than words could say. There aren't enough numbers to count the ways....

[justsaying40]

My mind is moving so fast, my body cannot keep pace, I attempt to sit still and go within hoping to make sense of my current mental state.

I try closing my eyes and take deep breaths so I can center myself, maybe create calm, but I feel like I cannot breathe so I do not try for long.

I stand up to move around in order to get the blood flowing, before I know it, I am pacing the floor and my anxiety is growing.

I try to think of what triggered such an uncomfortable sense of being, is there something I missed or may not be seeing?

Unable to come up with an answer that makes any sense, I feel fear overcome me as my muscles become tight and tense.

I lay down on my bed with one hand on my heart and the other by my side, I focus my gaze at the ceiling and imagine a warm white light.

It is so bright it stings my eyes but is too beautiful to look away, as the light starts to surround me, I can feel my fear start to fray.

I close my eyes as the light fills every corner of my space, I take a deep breath and relax the muscled in my body and my face.

The rhythm of my heart starts to slow until the beat is strong and steady, suddenly I hear a woman whisper softly to me, asking if I am ready.

Unsure of what to expect, I let all reservations go, I smile and whisper back, lead the way and I will follow.

She lays her hand gently upon my head and asks me to be still and to keep my mind clear, she tells me to trust in the divine and release any fear.

I can feel, what can only be describe as warm arms wrap all around me, a sense of unconditional love fills my heart, and tears roll down my cheeks.

It seemed to be over as soon as it began, I opened my eyes and there I was, still laying in my bed.

I felt at peace and a sense of calm I cannot find words to describe, how can one put into words, being touched by the divine?

I look up once again and said, “thank you for your loving grace” I stand up, stretch, and smile at the thought of being touched by the suns loving rays.

[justsaying40]

Day One...

[justsaying40]

Hello, My Name Is...

August 15, 2021, 2:21 a.m.

Hello, my name is a formality, and I am an addict.

They say admitting it is the first step on the path to recovery. So here I am, once again, surrendering to a higher power so I can start my journey to self-discovery.

Hello, my name is a formality, and I am an addict.

I have heard myself say these words a thousand times, looking for a way to confess and be forgiven for my crimes.

Hello, my name is a formality, and I am an addict.

Have been just words that fall from my lips to shed the skin that keeps me enslaved in a world of sin, I wanted to believe my salvation was in a sentence and not within.

Hello, my name is a formality, and I am an addict.

A fact I have kept hidden for so long, I figured if my skeleton stayed in the closet, know one would know the life I was living was wrong.

Hello, my name is a formality, and I am an addict.

Who was convinced I was functional, in control, and unaffected by a substance with evil as the main ingredient, in reality it was in control, the ruler of my soul, and I was obedient.

Hello, my name is a formality, and I am an addict.

Who enjoyed the company of my demons and the games we would play, I found I felt comfortable living as my shadow in a life of grey.

Hello, my name is a formality, and I am an addict.

Who isolated themselves until no one cared to be around, who let fear guide them to a place where only loneliness and despair are found.

Hello, my name is a formality, and I am an addict.

Escaping from a hell I built out of lies, secrets, and excuses to justify my transgressions, I am ready to look in the mirror, face my past and my fears, and kneel before my higher power with an honest confession.

Hello, my name is a formality, and I am a hopeful recovering addict, who is ready and willing to stop resisting, I have made myself a promise to become the person I was meant to be and be grateful for another chance given.

[justsaying40]

Watching the pot until it boils over....

[justsaying40]

[justsaying40]