likeiknoworsmthin

[likeiknoworsmthin]

A little fanfic idea in my head cause I read this fanfic (multiple times)

You’re all Grounded by: SamLikesToRead on Ao3

So all of the teams are gathered together because of an alien invasion or some other large-scale event that required all of them to work together

All of the batkids are the leaders of their individual teams, as we all know, but they act completely differently

Smiling and relaxing happen extremely rarely, and they’re very ‘Batman’ when it comes down to it

They’re very strict and precise in their leadership. No joking around, no goofing off, no sarcastic quips

But suddenly, as far as all the other heroes know, they’re acting all friendly with these different heroes that they’ve never met before, or even purposefully antagonistic when they're usually level-headed and never provoke anyone

They’re very much so acting like annoying siblings to each other

And when Batman enters the room, suddenly they swear they’re useless

“B, open my Pringles, please. I swear they glued it shut.”

“B, do you have any juice boxes?” And they're just digging through his belt nonchalantly

Nightwing is just lying across Bruce’s shoulder, and Red Robin has stolen his iPad and is reading all the confidential information he has on it

Just stupid stuff, and they’ll whine if they have to do anything, complaining that they’re too tired from the fight, and Bruce will obviously give in

And then it’ll be revealed that the lazy couch potatoes are indeed his children. Whether there's a reveal that they're the Wayne family plus his bonus children doesn't really matter to me

[likeiknoworsmthin]

¡I GOT THEEEEMMM!!! I FINALLY GOT THEM AND THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!!! MY GOD. ¡LOOK AT THEM!! THEY'RE HERE AND THEY'RE QUEER AND I LOVE MY TWO QUEERDOS

[likeiknoworsmthin]

actually arthur conan doyle appeared to me at a seance and he said the only thing he hates more than sherlock holmes is transphobes

[likeiknoworsmthin]

Bruce: My Mouth?!

Diana: *nods* you have a very enticing mouth.

*Clark is trying to hold his laughter*

Bruce: *trying to give it sense* ... ¿You mean my smile, maybe?

Diana: That too, but no. I mean what I said.

Bruce: *Absolutely flabbergasted* why?

Diana: *actually thinks about it* Well, it's charming. And you give me too little to work at first with that suit of yours. Besides, you don't talk nor eat much so that gave me ideas about what else you could do with it.

Bruce: *points Clark* You're not surprised.

Clark: *srugs, still shaking a little* She has not been shy about it.

Bruce: She has not been shy bout my mouth. *Deadpans*

Diana: I don't see what seems to be the problem. You didn't even raise an eyebrow at the fact that Clark fancy your thighs.

Bruce: Because that makes sense ¡¿But my mouth?!

Diana: Yes.

Bruce: .... Alosexuals are SO weird. *Gets back to work deciding he doesn't care anymore*

Clark: ... That sounds like you're not an alosexual yourself, B.

B: I'm not.

Clark: ¿Haven't you slept with like half the country?

B: ¿Don't you eat every day to blend in?

Clark: That's no...

Diana: No, no. That explains everything about his various appetites...

[likeiknoworsmthin]

12 year old Jason: I have to figure out a joke to tell in class tomorrow at school

Jason: [turns to Bruce] I guess I could just bring you, B

Bruce: ...

17 year old Dick: HA! RESPECT!

[Dick and Jason high-five]

[likeiknoworsmthin]

Love this shit so much, thank you.

[likeiknoworsmthin]

¡¡LOUDER FOR THE DC WRITTERS IN THE BACK!!!

Idea of Batman: Yeah so batman is a character who turned to vigalantisim and fights crime after witnessing the death of his beloved parents and other traumas in his childhood, also because the system is corrupt and didn't do anything to improve and he wishes the help gotham become a better city, and on the way he gains a family again which he loves honestly but after being alone for so long he makes mistakes but he still is grateful for his family and doesn't think he deserves them because of his deep rooted hatred for himself which begun as child blaming himself for his parents deaths.He doesn't want to kill anyone because of his traumas and because his belives that a person can change for the better. You can see that his actions are because of compassion.

Dc writers: WHAT IF HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS CAUSE FEELINGS AND WEAAAK ,WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE AND HES A BIG STRONG MACHO MAN WITHA SUPER DEEP VOICE WHO WANTS TO BEAT PPL UPPPP AND ITS ABOUT THE MISSION (even IF the mission is making a positive change)HE WOULD BE SUCH A BADASSS 🤓🤓☝️

[likeiknoworsmthin]

And you didn't even get to Beth/Alice and Beette that technically are the same character, but not anymore, but they are suposed to be the same, but... look, they come from the OG Batgirl that nobody actually likes.... No, shes not Batgirl ever in this continuity, she was more of a female Robin, but not batman Robin, Batwoman's robin... and ¿Beette is and is not related to Kate at the same time? ¿She has a thing with the first Robin for a while, but now they're like related because she's cousin of batwoman and batman? So that will make her aunt of the robins... No, She was NO with Robin when she is his aunt, you weirdo, that was when she was called Betty and wasn't part of the family although she also was named Kane and her actual mantle is tied to the romantic relationship with Dick, but not anymore... No, no Beth that's another character: Betty, or Beette ¿Beth? Oh, she's batwoman's death sister, but she's not death anymore she's kinda batwoman's Red Hood....

You think you’ve had a rough day?

Sure, maybe you're bleeding out rn, but have you ever tried explaining Batwoman to a normal person?

…

“Like—okay. So Batwoman used to be Batman’s girlfriend bc people kept calling him gay. But not this Batwoman. This one’s his cousin. And gay. But not the same character as the original. She just has the same name. Kind of.

No, she’s not related to Batgirl.

Well—actually—okay, the original Batwoman was Bat-girl’s aunt, but that Bat-girl isn’t Batgirl anymore. She changed mantles.

Now Batgirl is Cassandra Cain.

No, not Kane like Batwoman. I know it sounds the same. They’re not related.

…Well, I mean—they are now. Because Bruce adopted Cass. So technically? You get it.

OH. OH NO. No no no—Batman is not fucking Batgirl. That was some weird shit from a different Batgirl. Not this one. Not the original either. The one everyone knows. Yeah. Her. She’s—uh—his daughter-in-law sometimes? Look, I swear it makes sense in context.

Please stop running away from me. I haven’t even gotten to Stephanie yet—!”

[likeiknoworsmthin]

Let's fight crime with mama

[likeiknoworsmthin]

Not ever crying is POWERFUL. Healthy? No. But when you have a character who never cries who just fucking loses it?? Holy shit

All this to say, Batman's children are manipulative as hell when need be. Some of them definitely can cry on command, but if they do so too often, the effects lessen, so they choose wisely.

Who do they manipulate with these crocodile tears? Their overprotective, very intimidating, very no-nonsense father, of course.

Dick, age 11, accidentally flips into Superman, which is essentially like running into a wall and winds up faceplanting on the floor: Owww

Superman: oh sorry, buddy! But y'know this is why Batman told you not to do those flips in the halls-

Dick, embarrassed and afraid Batman is going to yell at him, immediately starts crying: B! B!

Superman, panicked: no, no, shh, hey, it's okay, I'm sorry, here let me help-

Dick, sobbing: no! You'll hurt me again!

Batman, appears out of nowhere: What. Did. You. Do.

Superman: he ran into me, I didn't-

Batman: is your name not "super" man? Could you not use your "super" hearing or "super" vision or "super" speed to get out of the way?

Superman: he's fine! It wasn't my-

Dick, bravely through his tears: my head hurts

Batman, gently: do u think u have a concussion, chum?

Dick: I d- don't know I just wanna go h-home

Batman: of course, we'll go home now and after dinner we'll get ice cream, just the two of us. How does that sound?

Dick, sniffing: okay

Batman, whispering to Superman: if u ever so much as touch a hair on my son's head again I will pour boiling liquid kryptonite in your ears while you sleep. From now on you are dead to me. I'll see you in hell, Clark Kent.

Superman: bruce that seems a little extreme-

Batman: another word and I'll guarantee after I'm done with you, your funeral will have to be closed casket

Superman:

Batman: okay, chum, let's get you home! *picks up his child*

Dick, peering over Bruce's shoulder at Clark with a small smile, mouthing: sorry, Uncle Clark, love you

Superman muttering to himself: heaven help us if he adopts more children

[likeiknoworsmthin]

Yes, the second one doesn't say "Brushie, brushie"

One of these things is not like the others

One of these things is not quite the same

[likeiknoworsmthin]

Okay, I procrastinate REALLY hard in this and maybe I won't even use it. So I'm going to leave it in here in case it's useful to anyone. This is the way I justified my model of how the Justice League works so it's not attached to any government and it's actually economically sustainable.

(I know probably someone already did this but better, but anyways)

NGO type structure.

Think about volunteer firefighters but in global, slightly more catastrophic scale. It's a Non-Gubernamental Volunteer Organization (yes, the heroes are volunteers) with global recognition by the UN to work as "Extreme rescuers/combatants in the event of a global catastrophe".

That means:

• Alien invasion, global scale demonic ritual, Meteorite, major natural disaster or machine rebellion, they are free to go.

• One single parademon in Berlín, weekly villain making chaos in Shanghai or a single robot out of control, they have to ask for permission, let that the local authorities/heroes (if they are) handle it, or wait until the government ask for help.

They should NOT under any circumstances get involved in ANY kind of political conflict especially not wars. They may help to rescue citizens from conflict zones, but NEVER help any party to do or end wars. That's how they become fancy mercenaries, and get under government control.

If any has to make a stance as a political party (like Diana's diplomatic work, Arthur's as king or the lanterns being corps) then has to declare themselves as individuals and NEVER use their league status.

And ALSO the volunteer part means that they all are free to go or take a rest if they need to. Nobody is obligated to stay, although they have to keep a certain conduct code if they're an associate.

¿How they managed to keep this running?

• In the first place they have a team of various civil volunteers (with super strict background checks and ironclad confidentiality agreements) like lawyers, accountants, administrators that always make sure they're handling everything with transparency and within the law.

• They have agreements with various organizations like Red Cross and Doctors Without Borders, To obtain training in rescue work, first aid, and more, they also have encrypted licenses for vehicle use as their aliases (So in my HC, Batman has a driver's license and Bruce Wayne not).

• And they've agreed to help universities and such in bon invasive meta-human studies to a certain extent, in addition to general charitable work.

Diana is the Public face of the NGO.

Ok, this has a lot of HC in there that I'm gonna try to trim.

But, Diana is almost always part of THE three founders, Trinity if you will, of the league. And since Kal-El is an undocumented alien immigrant that lives in the North Pole, and Batman first doesn't exist and second is an eldritch cryptid that crawled out of some sewer in Gotham... (because people doesn't know that they have secret identities, nor should think of it because they're "not human").

Then Diana Prince, with her pretty shiny military background, her diplomatic work, her royalty status (depending on the canon) and her immortality is the perfect option to be in charge and advocate for a bunch of weirdos whose names should NOT be known by the public. It's needed at least a name and a face to make responsible if anything goes wrong, and Diana has both.

Yes, I understand this could be problematic if we're using that version of the canon in which he remains an active member of the military. BUT why would you do that?

Founding.

Okay, so I have to do this. Because the "Batman pays for everything" is funny and all, but is not really a long-term sustainable model. So I broke it into two parts:

• Donations. To absolutely nobody's surprise. Yes, is in here where Bruce Wayne and Oliver Queen make their nepobaby asses shine, but they're NOT the only donors.

Like any charity, they have an active account where they can receive anonymous donations or donations from people interested in supporting them.

• Use of licenses. THIS is where the business is. So, the biggest heroes of the planet have symbols, names and fandoms ¿Right? therefore the JL sells the image license rights to curated companies (that have already passed a Batman-type background check) to make things like toys, clothes, etc.

AAND, things like Bat-Burguer or Planet Krypton (or any other superhero themed place you wanna do). All this money is mostly used to founding the league.

If a member retires, it is possible either take the use of their licence out of the league or negotiate that a portion of the sales go directly to them (also can be negotiated if anyone is having a rough economical time).

¿Why they need that much money? You wanna ask, I'm glad you ask because I procrastinate in that too 🤗 so...

Destination of funds.

• Equipment and Maintenance. Obviously. Justice Hall (and Watchtower) the planes, the Z tubes, the vehicles, etc ain't cheap, ya know.

• Help reconstruction and victims of battles. We all have seen superhero fights, there's streets cracking, buildings breaking and a couple civil cars being used as projectiles. THIS IS A NEED.

• Pay to lawyers, accountants, administrative team and a couple medical assistants to help them get this running. They're mostly volunteers, but still had to live.

• Natural Disaster and Humanity Help. Yep, they help in those too, not everything has to be punch someone.

• Death/Major injury in Service Fund. In case shit happens. It also includes a small pension for relatives, even if they are found family.

• And their biggest expense... Food enough for a couple speedsters.

Okay, I think it's all. At least I put it somewhere.

[likeiknoworsmthin]

THIS.

And each one has skills they're better at than the others. EVERY ONE. They're there.

*taps microphone* is this thing on? Okay…

🎤 THIS IS A REMINDER THAT ALL OF THE ROBINS ARE SMART, GENIUSES IN FACT. THEY ARE IN A FAMILY OF DETECTIVES. THATS LIKE THEIR WHOLE THING. ALL OF THE ROBINS (AND THE REST OF THE BATFAM TOO) ARE CLEVER, STRATEGIC, AND CAPABLE, NOT JUST TIM. (No hate to my boy Tim, though. I love Tim.) YES, EVEN THAT ONE. Thank you. 🎤

[likeiknoworsmthin]

[likeiknoworsmthin]

At least once a week.

How often do you think Alfred looks up at the portrait of his late lovers in the sitting room of Wayne Manor, deeply inhales, and says, "Our boy.... is testing me again"

[likeiknoworsmthin]

though while we're on the topic of League of Assassins training...if I was Ra's al Ghul and I took a chance on a skinny, spoiled kid from Gotham and he turned out to be one of the best martial artists of all time and went on to create the actual Justice League, I would also have a massive ego about that + you'd never hear the end of it

[likeiknoworsmthin]