#incorrect batfamily quotes

[wickedsmille]

Jason: You've heard of elf on a shelf, now I give you-

Jason with a dramatic arm flourish to Tim in the batchair: Tim Drake still awake!

[incorrectbatfam]

Jason: I know violence isn’t the answer, but, yes, it is.

[shortnsweetsposts]

Damian: I hate it here.

Tim: Now replace “it” with “women”. Not so funny now, is it?

Dick: Now replace “it” with “women”. Not so funny now, is women?

Stephanie: Now exchange “funny” with “women”. Not so women now, is funny?

Jason: I am having a fucking stroke.

Bat!reader: Now replace “stroke” with “baby”. Congratulations!!

[malfiora]

obsessed with this stupid shirt i found at goodwill the other day

[theendlessnessofbeingme]

Bruce yelling positive things to Stephanie

Bruce: Is your boyfriend the boss of you??!??!!!

Stephanie: No

Bruce: Ok, who is the boss of YOU?!!?!

Stephanie: You?

[yzur02]

-Bat chat-

Red Robin: "good argument, but have you considered the following?"

RR: *sends cat video by mistake*

Red Hood: "what does that have to do with anything?"

Robin: "no no, he's got a point"

Oracle: "he got you there, Jay"

RH: "this is a private chat"

O: "yeah, on my servers"

RR: "???"

[theladydothtalktoomuch]

Green Thumb

Jason: FUCKING FOUR MONTHS— Duke, walking by : uhh what’s going on? Tim : uhhh well.. Jason: —THATS HOW LONG YOU ALL WATCHED ME WATER A FUCKING FAKE PLANT! Duke, looks at the fake plant : wait, didn’t you buy that? Tim : yeah— but I didn’t have the heart to tell him Jason : I PUT MY BLOOD, SWEATS, TEARS AND SOUL FOR THIS— AND FOR WHAT—

[lightningstorm003]

Tim, at court-ordered therapy: This is not what I had in mind, but it is actively killing me.

Judge: Does the defendant have any special requests?

Tim: Death penalty.

Dick: Tim, it was just a parking ticket-

Tim, leaning into the mic: Please kill me.

[canthandlethishit]

Jason’s Room, 2:49am

Tim: *walks into Jason’s room*

Jason: tf you doin’ in here?

Tim: Imma hurl

Jason: what GET THE F— *threw his bedside’s bin to tim’s head*

Tim: knew I could count on ya *projectile vomited and missed the bin entirely*

[incorrectbatfam]

Stephanie: Why is Cass not on the schedule for Tuesday night?

Bruce: 'Cause I can't have you patrolling together on those slow nights anymore.

Stephanie: What? Why?

Bruce: Because all you do is stand on the rooftops talking, not running routes or watching your suspects.

Stephanie: That is not true. We always get our stuff done.

Tim: No, it gets done because I do it.

Stephanie: Did you complain to Bruce, Tim?

Bruce: It doesn't matter. The fact is, you and Cass work better when you don't work together.

Stephanie: I am SO mad at you.

Tim: How do you think I feel? Every Tuesday night it's you, Cass, and me, and I do seventy-five percent of the work while you guys talk about true crime podcasts.

Stephanie: You're such a hater.

Cass: Why am I not on Tuesday next week?

Stephanie: Because Tim is a baby.

Bruce: You and Steph aren't allowed to patrol together anymore unless it's a Friday or Saturday night.

Cass: What? You can't do that.

Bruce: I'm literally your dad.

Stephanie: So you're making me work with Tim and Duke every Tuesday night?

Bruce: I can't make you do anything. You're free to explore other vigilante opportunities. Maybe you'll find some other place that'll put up with your shenanigans.

Stephanie: I'll be back. Come on, Cass.

Stephanie and Cass: *leave*

Tim: Way to stay strong, Bruce.

Bruce: Well, I find that, as a father, you have to be firm. They'll be fine, you'll see.

Duke: Hey, Bruce, Steph just gave me tickets to a taping of The Voice on Tuesday night so Cass is gonna patrol for me.

Bruce: Stephanie!

[shortnsweetsposts]

Tim: Movie suggestions?

Dick: Noah's moving castle or something. I cant remember the name...

Bat!reader: Howl?

Dick: Awoooooooo

Bat!reader & Tim:

Dick: Wait-

[dickanddami]

Its Damian. He's Robin, to Dick's Batman.

Dick: I have a confession to make. I have a favorite—

Jason, Tim, and Damian: We know.

Tim: It’s Jason.

Jason: It’s Tim.

Damian: It’s me.

Dick: Superhero…

[theaceofarrows]

[On patrol]

Cass: Dad said it's not okay to murder!

Jason and Damian: Well, dad's not here!

[demonicsuffrage]

During an argument

Jason: Oh yeah? Well, atleast I'm not a cop!

Dick: Atleast I'm not a priest in another universe!

Jason: Atleast I'm not a vampire king in another!

Tim: Atleast none of you is Evil Gun Batman!

Jason and Dick:

Tim: So, Shut Up.

[eeepybee]

okay so i already joked this to my friends about this but

IMAGINE AN AU: everything is largely the same except the Twilight movies exist and Bruce Wayne played Edward Cullen.

Like I imagine it would’ve been during his emo training world tour pre Batman he’d just take a year (and then a few more for sequels) to film the cringy vampire romance of EVER! and just. he’d never talk about it again?!

So obviously one day Dick finds out and its either the most mortifying experience ever (he’s with his friends and they don’t know thats his dad) OR its the most hilarious experience ever (he’s with his brothers and everyone loses their shit).

And just? it becomes a whole THING every time someone finds out and Bruce is just tired he’s trying to be a broody billionaire and it’s so embarrassing that he was a teenage heartthrob (yes obviously this is based on Rob Pattinson in The Batman)

The batfam would be like aggressively Team Jacob until someone insults Bruce and they’re all “back the hell up” and have a whole rant defending their dad.

What if Bruce and Alfred tried desperately to hide this fact?? and just one day Tim and Barbara pull it up somehow? and they keep making the vampire jokes that everyone already makes but its sO MUCH WORSE BECAUSE HE WAS PAID TO SAY THOSE LINES!!

Steph would go insane she’d love it so much and she’d definitely already know the Twilight series before getting involved and when she finds out Batman is BRUCE WAYNE actor of Edward Cullen she goes mad with power. like she’s make custom soundboards of the voicelines and she’d make a bunch of her quips Twilight themed until it gets to the point she has to stop so she doesn’t spoil his identity (pfft spoil)

Damian wouldn’t get it but they’d all try very hard to show him the sheer comedy of Brucie Wayne playing Edward Cullen and he’d just be very concerned and take it a little seriously until one of his art friends gets into the Twilight fandom and he has to aggressively shut that down.

Anyway, I yearn to write this fic myself but I haven’t written in ages so just scream at me in the comments about this I think it’d be a very funny concept.

[thementallyillapollochild]

CASS I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU

WHEB YOU HAVE A SMALL POT, WASH A BIG ONE!!!

OR ADD LESS SPAGHETTI!!!

OR JUST DONT MAKE SPAGHETTI!!!!

IDK, NEVER EVER BREAK SPAGHETTI I WILL THROW HANDS WITH YOU AND WIN OUT OF SPITE

tim: Rules are made to be broken.

bruce: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

jason: Uh, piñatas.

dick: Glow sticks.

damian: Karate boards.

cass: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

tim: Rules.

bruce: