lylediangelo-blog

[lylediangelo-blog]

New Demons

(It was dark. Seth was drunk. The only thoughts in his head were the place he was headed, and the person he was missing.)

Seth: What am I doing? Where am I going?

Consciousness: You drank too much. Again. *sighs*

Seth: Oh, hi. It's you.

Conscience: He deserved it. After what he's done to them both. After hurting Mark that way.

Consciousness: You're not helping him. You're supposed to be helping him.

Patience: Please, Conscience. He's just a child. He was foolish, but he's regret what he has done. He's sorry. You, of all, know that.

Anger: What is he doing now?! Making another mistake? Go home! Where the fuck are you going?

Consciousness: He still has work to be done tonight. He promised me just a few glasses.

Patience: He's obviously had more than that. *sighs*

Reason: He's only doing this because he feels bad for what he did to Mark, and at the same time missing him. But he can't show Mark because he's with someone else. He needs to forget. It's the only way he can, even just for a while.

(A dark energy formed deep within Seth's heart. An energy none of his demons were familiar with.)

Depression: Hello, Seth.

Seth: Huh? Hi. Who're you?

Depression: I'm you.

Seth: I . . . I don't understand.

Depression: You gave birth to me just tonight. I'm here to comfort you.

Anger, Conscience, Consciousness, Patience, Reason: . . .

Seth: How will you do that?

Depression: Give me your hand.

(As Seth did what his new demon told him to, not long after, he saw his wrist bleed irrepressibly)

Depression: Do you feel better?

Seth: It . . . hurts. But . . .

Depression: Yes?

Seth: It . . . feels . . . good.

[lylediangelo-blog]

To My Pisces,

How I wish I could talk to you again. How I wish you would see the world through my tear-flooded eyes. How I long to feel your hand in mine again. How I wish I could go back in time to murder my old self to keep you from hurting. How I wish I could tell you again how much I love you, because I still do, and I always will until the day I die which might be anytime soon.

I can’t tell you how much I regret what I did. I’ve tried so many times to make sense of whatever was left from what we had. It never fails to come back to me, the memories we’ve had together. The times when we were happier. When nothing mattered except you and I. When we were so lucky to have found each other. When our happiness ran deep in our veins from our love drunk hearts.

But those days are gone. I broke it. I tore us apart. I killed the love we had. I doused the fire. I sealed the gates. I put us both in hell, and I will forever bear that burden with me. Even when you forgive me, I will still suffer, because I know I lost someone I will never find again. Maybe, if fate were kinder to me, maybe you’d suddenly look for me. Maybe, by some miracle, you’d come rushing to me, asking for me again. But the odds of that happening are too slim. I know you’re happy now. I know you love him. You’ve learned to love him, as you learned to love me before.

If by some chance you got to read this, I want to say I’m sorry. When i dragged us to hell, someone picked you up and out of here, but I was left here. I’m still here, paying for what I did to you. So much so, that my mind has strayed to places it’s never been in before. It’s let me harbor a darkness in my heart. A sadness that was never familiar to me. This fiery ground was new to me, but now, it’s slowly becoming home. I fear, I might not find anyone who can save me from it. I fear, I might stay here until I lose breath. I fear for my future, because, when I ended us, the darkness slowly consumed it, and I can no longer see the end of the tunnel I shoved myself in.

I’m sorry for being too dumb to realize your worth sooner. I’m sorry that you had to go through so much to cope with what happened. I’m sorry that I can’t help but make myself bleed if only to show you how much I love you still. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I should have kept my hands to myself. I should have trusted my love for you. I should have been faithful to you. I should have showed you how much I love you like how I love you now.

Now, it’s over. Now, you’re gone. Now, I can’t see you, talk to you, hear your beautiful voice, see your breathtaking smile, or hear your brilliant mind.

I wish I could kill myself. I wish I wasn’t afraid to take my own life. That way, I may have done so, and you would find this letter, written on a piece of paper, lying on my cold, dead body, Maybe, only then you’d realize how much I really loved you. Maybe, then, you’d come looking for me. Maybe then, you’d ask God to bring me back. Just as I ask Him now.

[lylediangelo-blog]

I’m tired. I’m sad. I miss him.

How many times have I said that? How many times have I asked what all this meant? How many times have I convinced myself it’s better if I don’t think about him anymore? That I should move on.

Still, it haunts me. In my memories, in my dreams, in my life. He’s there. Every time I try to be happy because he’s happier now, I end up crash landing into the same dark abyss I’m trying desperately to stay out of. It never misses a week in a month. There will always be a day after all the others that will bring me back to my knees, and claw for fresh air. It hasn’t changed. It’s always the same cycle, over and over. And until now, I ask myself: Where does all this lead?

Then, I witness myself bleed again, to end another day of pain and suffering.

[lylediangelo-blog]

He was a ball of dark sunshine. Although he didn’t shine as bright as the other suns, he was radiant. He was warm. He was colorful, although lacking vibrancy.

Then, the night came, and he finally asked himself: “Am I darkness or am I light?”

So bothered by his thoughts, perplexed with the conflicting characteristics that makes him his own, he sat still in one place in the sky instead of moving along with the light. He sat there, waiting.

Before he knew it, his light was gone. Stripped from him. His colors no longer existed. His brightness dimmed, and he became the night.

(Photo not mine)

[lylediangelo-blog]

How many times have I asked the heavens to do so? To kill me. To help me. To rid me of my misery. To rid me of life. To rid me of myself. Yet, here I am. Alive. But barely breathing. Every second air seeps in through my throat, occupies my lungs and slips out, I could feel nails and barbed wires clouding my system. I breathe pain. I inhale the searing scars of my past, and exhale the cruel fact that is the present. I look forward, but all my eyes could see was darkness. A deep and still darkness that pulsed through the evil evening mist. Was there no end? Was there no hope? No light in this abyss? No reverse to what I have done? No redemption? Or forgiveness? Or love? Was there no chance that I may prove myself worthy again? Was that all I wanted? No. I know what I wanted. I wanted my treasure back. I wanted my pearl back. I wanted him back. But I can't. It's too late. I must die. I should be dead by now. But I'm still here. Clinging to a supernatural entity. The only entity that could possibly save me.

[lylediangelo-blog]

Was re-watching HP 3, and couldn’t help but notice the small reunion between Moony Padfoot and Snape where the other two reminded Snape how they always find him getting the wrong idea since when they were students at Hogwarts, and how it didn’t change until that day (on the movie/book).

[lylediangelo-blog]

I know it’s not healthy at all to keep your pictures. Our pictures. But I can’t bring myself to erase them.

It’s not the pictures that kill me, really. It’s the reality that says we can’t have more of them anymore.

SethxMark

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The Dream

Seth never thought of Mark that night. He had to sleep. He had work at midnight, and it was 4 PM. He knew he wouldn’t have much sleep anymore, but he knew he had to try. It was his brother’s birthday, and he was supposed to go with the family and have dinner out. But Seth was too tired. Two hours’ worth of sleep didn’t cover for the energy he needed for the 8 hours of his shift, plus the hours to spend celebrating outside. He didn’t want them to get him wrong, but he was just exhausted. Seth’s mom understood, and left him in bed. Seth woke 3 hours after, and realized he was alone. The room was dark, and the voices he heard were coming from the neighbors’. When he fell back to sleep, he had a dream. A dream he had never expected. He saw himself at the internet shop playing his favourite game. Then he saw Mark do the same. They had small talk, and it wasn’t much. When it was time to leave, Seth saw that a riot was just starting outside. So he rushed back in for cover. He was not going out there. Mark followed, and decided to go back online and play.

Seth saw a purple scarf he knew was his but couldn’t seem to find anymore. He saw it in his dream, and assumed Mark had it but dropped it on the floor. “Why did you leave this here?” He asked Mark. “I don’t need it anymore.” He told Seth. This broke the latter’s heart. The pain Seth had buried so well started to resonate once more, and cause an uproar inside him. He finally broke down in tears in front of Mark.

“Why do you do this to me?!” He cried out, “why do you love to see me in pain?! Haven’t I suffered enough?”, he pulled a small carton, the size of a matchbox, from his bag, and unwrapped a shiny old-fashioned blade. The brand “Orco” glinted under the dim light of the shop.

“Is this what you want?! To see me bleed?!” He yelled at Mark, who was alarmed to see the blade now pointed at Seth’s wrist. He saw Seth already did this to himself before. The first cut he saw was almost fully healed. It was pinkish, and still had small peelings around the rim. The second wound looked fresh, and unmistakably red. Like it was just cut a few days ago. Seth threatened to do it again the third time, and heaven knows how deeper and how longer he’s willing to go this time. Mark knelt, and pushed Seth’s hands away from each other, “No!” He commanded, “Don’t do this, please!”, “Let go of me!” Seth fought, “What’s the point of stopping me? This is inevitable. I will keep doing this until I die. If only to prove how much I love you and how much I hated myself for hurting you, I will hurt myself!”,

“Please, stop. Don’t do this!” Mark pleaded, “I…” his voice seemed lost for a moment, “I’ll marry you!”,

Seth’s sobbing hushed. He looked up at Mark, “What?” He asked incredulously, “But how? You said you loved him!”,

“I don’t,” Mark replied, “not anymore. I can't understand him anymore. We don’t fit.”

Then, the scene changed. Seth was at home. In the lounge, he saw his girl bestfriend, Ari on one couch, and Mark on the other.

Seth pulled his violin from his room, and strode to where Ari and Mark were. When he came, his smile was twice as wide as before. It wasn’t just because everything was fine now, or that he was with Ari and Mark. But also, because Mark was his again, and he was Mark’s.

Then, Seth woke up. The same happiness carried out into the real world, and the dream felt as real as a dream could ever get. “But was it just that?” Seth asked himself in his dark bedroom. But he knew fairly well that it might have not just been a dream. It might have been his small talent of foresight through dreams. Seth thanked God right away for what he saw in his sleep, and asked humbly that it be carried out into the world. Not knowing when or even how, but Seth believed in his God. And he knew he only needed to have patience, and be faithful.

(To be Continued…)

[lylediangelo-blog]

I don't know how to feel sometimes. Just now, when I was with friends—with people, I felt fine. Now that I'm alone again, listening to my playlists, something tugging at my heartstrings. A familiar feeling of loneliess. I wonder when God will let me finally be free from these shackles? When will He finally let me see the light? Will it take a year? Will it reach to a point where I must end my life only to be noticed? Only to be loved as much as I want? Must I stop breathing first? Must I lay in a coffin? Must there be a ceremony held with everyone wearing black suits and dresses under a stormcloud before I am appreciated for how much love I have given? Am I not enough?

[lylediangelo-blog]

Consume me. Or, have you already? Now, I'm making the most out of what's left. What's remaining. What's sufficient for living. Maybe it'll lead me to where I'm meant to go? Maybe who I'm meant to be? Who am I meant to be?

[lylediangelo-blog]

Avenged.

Maybe not many will understand. Maybe not many have to. One thing is certain: Seth felt 'avenged'. He came out of a break-up seven months ago. He thought everything would have been fine now that he's escaped the clutches of his overly constricting ex-boyfriend. The cause? Seth, at some point of his relationship with Mark, couldn't seem to find himself, and cheated. But Seth was never like this. He never even liked the idea of cheating on someone you loved and loved you back in the same weight. But it happened. And Seth would be forever haunted by it. Now that fate has reached a verdict, and all all Seth's efforts to prove himself to Mark, failed miserably—since Mark couldn't stop going on about his suspicions of Seth still cheating even when he wasn't anymore, Seth thought he was going to be able to move on. But he was sadly mistaken. Seth and Mark worked in different companies. They had the same occupation. A month after the break-up, Seth was still trying to bring back the spark he once had with his ex. This forced Mark to tell Seth he had his eyes set on someone new. Of course, this tore Seth to pieces and made him storm out of the apartment they used to live in, and retreat home. Two months after, Seth turned twenty-one. He was finally starting to see the silver lining in all that's happened. Although he knows he hasn't fully moved on yet, still, he knew he would get there eventually, and pressed on with his life. Suddenly, in that same month, he started to remember him. He started getting flashbacks of his moments with Mark. Their happiest days, their lustful nights. For some reason, these grew more and more vivid by the day. Until one day, he heard his workmate tell him that he saw Mark in their office's smoking area. Seth was a blur of emotions. He was shocked, horrified, disgusted and even outraged. But there was something else he was feeling. He knew what it was, and he hated himself for it: he was excited. He felt his heart was fluttering again. He shot it down before it could even escape his chest. This wasn't something he should be feeling still. This was a crime against his own principles. Against his plans to move on and get over Mark. But here it all is. Slowly unfolding into what Seth's other self thinks is a brilliant way to let him win Mark's heart again. He soon learned that was a fool's job. Mark was toured around Seth's office on that month a day after he heard the news. Mark was, unfortunately, hired despite all Seth's prayers not to let him be. He knew this would call his undoing. Sadly, it was true; because ever since Mark set foot on that place, Seth was never the same again. Mark's twenty-eighth birthday was on that same day he was toured around. Of course, because Seth wanted to look amorous and lovable to Mark again, he bought him a gift. A notebook with a unique design. Mark loved these things. He'd keep them in a corner or in a shelf, and preserve them until he felt like he wanted to write his heart out. He loved it with every fiber of his being, and Seth saw the glint in his eyes. The same sparkle he saw when they first met. Mark insisted that they be friends and nothing more. And that all that he did to Seth has been haunting him until today. And even though Seth hadn't fully forgiven him yet, he said otherwise. He told Mark it was water under the bridge, in the hopes that it might allure him back. Many days came and past, and Seth would come to the office even when he had no work, only to meet Mark's time, and only to see him and be with him. But Mark's new lover did not see this pleasant. Of course, Seth doesn't blame him or Mark. However, he knew he was doing this for love. As it was known, the mind almost always comes hidden when the heart dares to speak. Seth's heart didn't only talk. It screamed. It yearned. It begged. And what was Seth to do? He was only a child deep down. A child who only wanted what made him happy. And that, for him, was Mark. So he chased and chased. Went through the most hellish weeks of his life, fighting over which of his thoughts and opinions reflected Mark's actions and intentions most so he can take it and believe in it, but nothing would ever fit. Because everytime Seth thought he had it all figured out, Mark would go against his expectations. Finally, Mark's new lover threatened to leave him if he doesn't leave and ignore Seth. This came to Seth of course, and it shattered him when Mark finally made a choice, and started to give Seth his cold shoulder. More and more weeks past, and all Seth had beside him was his prayers, their friend Anna, who never liked Mark's new lover, and his distance from Mark. Maybe for orhers, it would have been an easy task to ignore it and simply move along with life. But Mark was everything to Seth. It drive him to his limit. It dragged him to his wit's end. He was obsessed. And he never wanted to admit it. He tried and tried to control it. He did well on the first few days. Setting his anger and bitterness against Mark. But Mark was too kind and too gentle a soul to hold a grudge against. So Seth's darkened soul would always soften, and his heart would look for him, and he would try to stir a conversation again. No matter how small or insignificant. What mattered to Seth was that Mark knew he was there for him. When Mark started work, of course the salary didn't come soon. So he would tap whoever he needed to ask for help. Seth, being one of them. He neveer dared have second thoughts about helping his distant sunshine. But his love soon would turn into hate, and bitterness, because even after everything he's put hinself through, Mark seemed to think little of it. Although he's kept in mind that he cannot blame Mark since he was only trying to be loyal to his lover, it still broke him. Bit by bit. Molecule by molecule, Seth was unravelling. Until, finally, he snapped, and made himself bleed over bottles of beer and cold, lonely nights. He took a blade from the shop beside their house, along with bottles of vodka. He drank to his heart's content, and slit his wrist when he felt drunken the most. He had friends to tell him what to do and how to feel. How this all had a reason. Howthis all had a purpose. How Seth's prayers were not unheard. But these didn't pull him out of the abyss he slowly falling into. His madness reached Mark, and terrified him. Countless times has his lover ranted at Anna and told her to tell Seth to stay away from Mark. But Seth couldn't do it. And he wanted to see him and his lover suffer in the same way he has. So he made it known to Mark that he cut himself, and threatened to do so continually, until whenever Seth saw fit to stop. Seth still lives to this very day. Awaiting for his prayers' answers, and Mark's next move. His thoughts are bent on two possibilities: either Mark leaves the company that Seth may move on in peace, or he stays, and Seth may very well have bled himself dry. (To be continued...)

[lylediangelo-blog]

I can’t believe I find this funny, and cute. Omooo~!

but Will is special

[lylediangelo-blog]

[lylediangelo-blog]

Stop viewing other writers as a threat to your career. You are your only adversary.

J. A. Patterson (via theprincessandthepen)

I cannot agree more to this.

[lylediangelo-blog]

We need more Draco Malfoys in life . . . I think.

I mean, come to think of it, he really wasn't "that" bad.

I love him more than I can say.

[lylediangelo-blog]

.📖. #quotes #book #life #live #love #poem #moments #stories #memories #aaa #creation #write #writer #words #dream #goal #lifechanging #novel #thoughts #dark #soul #author #KaahS #beyondphysical

[lylediangelo-blog]

Nico: who decided skeletons are scary like??? You have a skeleton, do not be afraid of yourself

Leo: but they aren't supposed to exit the meat