melomanic-logophile

[melomanic-logophile]

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve been job hunting for weeks,, months,,, and nothing. I can’t move forward in life without money but I can’t get money if nobody will give me a chance. This society was not made for people like me. What do I do? I just need a miracle or something.

[melomanic-logophile]

I am 8 days sober (from alcohol), I’m so thankful to have a clearer mind. Life still sucks, but things are looking better.

[melomanic-logophile]

the amount of pictures I have from last year of me right after sobbing my eyes out is concerning…

[melomanic-logophile]

2024 was certainly interesting, I’m convinced 2025 will be a bad year (in general), but still happy it’s a new year… so far already dealing with health issues (I had to have surgery recently) but I’m in love. I don’t even care if eventually he breaks my heart, right now he loves me so much. Queer love is so different and better, I can actually be myself completely. Still struggling with depression and bad thoughts but that’s nothing new, at least I have some hope for now and being in love has been somehow very healing.

How’s that for my first 2025 post… crazy.

[melomanic-logophile]

In a good mood

here’s a song I like

<3

[melomanic-logophile]

I’m just so exhausted.

Every day is a new battle.

I don’t want to fight anymore.

[melomanic-logophile]

I might as well stop 3ating and stop drinking anything other than water, because now every time I do,, it just f-cking hurts and it’s just not worth it.

[melomanic-logophile]

fml.

[melomanic-logophile]

Things got worse.

[melomanic-logophile]

Just relapsed on my ED after like,, 2 years :/

[melomanic-logophile]

I don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t feel like I’m even controlling my own body or life in any way. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m dreaming or not, and I sometimes believe that things, which happened in a dream, truly happened until halfway through the day. I constantly want to cry, scream, run away from everything, d1e… Mental health is bad even though i’m still taking meds. I can’t bring myself to reach out to anyone because I don’t want them to feel bad, but i’m becoming bitter and I’m always on edge.

I don’t know how I’m going to keep going at this rate.

[melomanic-logophile]

is anything real?

[melomanic-logophile]

I haven’t felt truly okay in so long, and when I get low I get too low. It’s all so suffocating and hateful. Life is too exhausting and the good things don’t make it worth it. I wish it did, but I’m much too desensitized for happiness, cause Im too sad. This pain is turning to bitter rage and self hatred, which I already have enough of. Every night makes me wonder when the last night will arrive. sorry this is edgy, I’m just depressed again.

[melomanic-logophile]

Never thought I’d get this far, damn.

[melomanic-logophile]

Remembering when I told someone my life expectancy is prob in my 60s and they were confused…

Things that shorten your life expectancy (that you may not think about):

Trauma/ PTSD/ mental health

Lack of activity (sitting all day every day)

Sleep deprivation (getting less than 7-8? hours)

Pessimism/ negativity

Lack of socializing ☠️ (I think online friends count)

excessive/ constant stress

Not flossing (yes really)

Not reading enough

Not leaving the house often/enough

Using phone too much 💀💀💀

[melomanic-logophile]

Mini playlist to get out emotions:

[melomanic-logophile]

It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t good enough, but sometimes it feels like it’s all that matters.