queer-queries

[queer-queries]

Do you have any advice on coming out to your friends as a bi lesbian when you have no clue if theyre exclus or not? I am TERRIFIED to come out to them and I have no clue how to ask them how they feel so now I’m just afraid they’re gonna drop me over my identity..

hi friend! my general coming out advice is to test the waters- if these friends are online friends or friends who are up to date on intracommunity discourse like that, then you can ask them what they think on neutral ground, meaning don't make it seem like you're looking for them to say yes or no, just ask. one way you could do that was by saying you heard some discourse about it and are confused and wanted to ask if they knew how to explain it and what their thoughts were.

but if these friends don't know about online discourse like this and generally aren't in the online queer world that much, then there's a pretty darn solid chance that they won't care. i completely understand where you're coming from because i've struggled with the exact same thing, but i've come out as a bi lesbian to lots of irl queers who don't know about online discourse, and every single one of them has been extremely accepting and said something along the lines of "it's your identity, not mine, no one else can tell you who to be". because the reality is that the whole mindset of "valid vs. invalid" is extremely online as a mindset. for the most part, some random queer person who doesn't know shit about random online queer discourse, isn't primed to think in a binary of valid vs. invalid because that's not actually a normal way of thinking, so they're not used to it- it's just what a lot of online queers have sadly become used to.

so if they are online and know discourse stuff, then test the waters first. but if they aren't, i would just tell them that you've struggled a lot with your identity and say something like "i identify as both bi and a lesbian because it makes the most sense to me" and if they ask respectful questions, then you can do your best to answer them, but they will much more likely just be like "oh cool" because they're not used to thinking of other queer people like they're all potential enemies trying to use labels just to hurt them.

i wish you much luck anon, if you go through with it then feel free to let me know how it goes!

[queer-queries]

Question: I have many traits of a certain intersex variation, traits that I know aren't common for people in my AGAB, but I'm not in a position to find out if I really have that variation, much less want to go after it (because it doesn't cause problems, not even with self-esteem, I even feel better that way!), but can I still be part of the intersex community and identify as intersex, even without having or wanting an official diagnosis of my possible variation?

hey anon! i'm not intersex and i'm also not super educated on specific intersex topics, so i'm going to tag a few blogs who might be able to help you!

@genderpunks @intersexfairy

[queer-queries]

HELLO!! I just wanted to tell an experience that I think is really cool🐰

I'm intergender, but I also identify with a term that I've honestly never seen but feel is perfect for me, "cisneu", because I'm intersex, autistic, non-human and always felt like 100% agender/neutrois, until a few years ago, when I had my special interest in gender and I ended up acquiring several genders through empathy, and then I ended up practically "transitioning" to several genders, including identifying as girlboy and panxeno nowadays! Like, I know it's random, but I feel like my experience with being neutral feels exactly like what cis people experience and my experience with other genders is exactly how trans people feel!

I don't know, I just think it's a cool experience and wanted to share 🐇

that's so awesome!!!! i totally understand how awesome it is to have that feeling with a certain label where you just click and it feels right, that's wonderful!!! as is my nature, i've gone ahead and made a cisneu flag for you if that's alright!

[Image ID: A flag with seven equally-sized horizontal stripes. From top to bottom, the colors are green, turquoise, indigo, medium purple, purple, pastel magenta, and green. End ID.]

[queer-queries]

Question: I have many traits of a certain intersex variation, traits that I know aren't common for people in my AGAB, but I'm not in a position to find out if I really have that variation, much less want to go after it (because it doesn't cause problems, not even with self-esteem, I even feel better that way!), but can I still be part of the intersex community and identify as intersex, even without having or wanting an official diagnosis of my possible variation?

hey anon! i'm not intersex and i'm also not super educated on specific intersex topics, so i'm going to tag a few blogs who might be able to help you!

@genderpunks @intersexfairy

[queer-queries]

Oh my god my aroace sapphic heart can barely handle my joy, I met an ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL person (she/he) who is agender but is comfortable as a "genderless girl", and is aroace sapphic and anarchist and understands SO MUCH about social issues and is disabled like me and (pretty sure) has ADHD and is just so perfect.

I don't want to date him or anything but I absolutely love her and I love when he starts explaining all excitedly about how capitalism sucks and IS SO ATTRACTIVE, I really love her, I love spending time with him and I needed to sharing this because just thinking about him makes my heart soar 💓💓💓💓💓 (bonus: SHE'S SUPER TALL 💗💗💗💗💗)

I swear I'm the happiest non-binary lesbian you'll ever meet 🩷🌸🩷

WOOOOOOOO I’m so happy for you anon I wish you luck in your friendship :))))))

[queer-queries]

Genuine and well-intentioned question(s): Do you mind receiving questions, even though genuine, related to discourse? Like, for example, lesboy/turigirl or mspec monos or prohip or transx and etc? Do you have some specific topics you prefer not to talk about in the blog?

Please, I genuinely want to know because I have a lot of trouble with forming moral values, so sometimes it is difficult for me to understand the problem of a certain term (or even a certain practice) or simply understand what makes a term valid or even the difference of a term that is considered valid for one who isn't, so if this did not bother you, I would probably have a few questions to do, but if it bother you, I'll respect too!

Mainly because it's very difficult to find people who feel comfortable explaining problems of things that seem simple (for example: why is a non-sexual romantic relationship between a minor and an adult considered wrong?) so I'm used to it, but I also feel slightly lonely watching all these people complain about how many people don't see the "obvious problems" while they don't say what the problem is and I just... feel alone in this moral dilemma, and frankly a bad person for not automatically guessing.

(PLEASE DON'T THINK THIS IS AN ATTEMPT TO MANIPULATE YOU INTO SAYING YES, it's more like...an explanation of why I asked this)

hi there, I am willing to answer respectful discourse-adjacent questions, but only for queer discourse topics, not proship or other nonrelated topics!

[queer-queries]

hey so idk my gender, and i think that i might be agender. like i dont really care about gender? Im afab and it makes me feel like slightly weird when people call me she/her and ive never really been called he but it feels better when ppl use they/them but like i dont really have dysphoria. i wish i had a flat chest sometimes but i dont feel like BAD about it. Im just like id’d be kinda nice if i had a flat chest. idk

hey hey! so sorry it's been awhile since you sent this!

this sounds understandable to me! being gender-indifferent or not really caring about your gender is pretty common actually! like, the idea that you don't feel bad about your chest but would also not mind changing it, are fairly apathetic most of the time towards pronouns, etc. are all common experiences for people who are indifferent towards their gender! if you're looking for a specific label, then i suggest looking at cassgender! if not though, then just know you're not alone and gender indifference is really common, especially among trans/cisn't communities!

[queer-queries]

Yo Reign, I hope this is phrased respectfully but basically I'm questioning being some type of aro-spec, but I have absolutely no clue how often people fall in love or how intense it's *supposed* to be, and although you yourself are aroace I was hoping you'd have some kind of clue? And also if it isn't normal to spend about half of your life feeling absolutely no romantic attraction and somewhat forcing yourself to, and in the other half being absolutely incapable of separating yourself from the people you love that way - what would you even call that? Any help is appreciated, thank you!

anon you're in luck because what you described is pretty much exactly my experience being aroace. i used to get crushes pretty frequently. and it differs for different alloromantics, but i remember having at least four intense crushes by the time i was in 6th grade. i thought about them regularly, obsessed over all my interactions with them and trying to impress them, and just generally was OBSESSED.

but somewhere in there, in a muddled time, it just... stopped. i think it had something to do with my mental health issues but honestly i'm not sure. but it felt like a switch had kinda flipped. i literally never even thought about romance anymore. never got crushes, never wanted crushes, none of that stuff. i spent so long getting such intense crushes, and now and for the past five or six years, i just haven't given a single flying fuck about romance and i don't want the reality of it in the slightest. sometimes i still get pulled into the fantasy of it, but i don't actually want it.

i've seen a lot of aroace people talk about how they used to get crushes and now they don't anymore. not all alloromantic people are obsessed with romance and get intense crushes frequently, but it's still something they do feel and want. for aros, it can feel like putting on a show, like you may want a relationship, but only for the thrill of telling people you have a partner because it feels good. or it can feel like you don't want it at all. of course, some aromantic people don't feel romantic attraction but DO want romantic relationships, but that doesn't sound like you so i'd just say- this sounds very typical for aromantic people to experience, going from getting crushes frequently, to not really getting them at all!

[queer-queries]

what's it like to be both butch and femme? we feel drawn to it, and we know we don't need to conform to binaries but it feels there's so much pressure to be one or the other, and if you're both, then you're futch, but that doesn't fit right

please forgive me it's literally been four months since you sent this ahhhhhh </333333333333

but uh. yeah so, my general interpretation of 'futch' is that it's people who are both AT THE SAME TIME, as in they're a blend of the two, like their identity is both mixed together, at least that's how i see most people use it.

of course, anyone can use that term if it resonates with them, but that's my view of it. but for me, i'm both butch and femme, but it's kind of like two different sides of the same coin, not the same side if that makes sense. i feel like some days i have a desire to be "completely" butch, and others "completely" femme, so like, not a mix of the two, but a pendulum between the two.

another part of it is that for me, i use them in different ways. while i do absolutely present femme sometimes, femme feels like it's much more an internal label for me. i feel like internally, i feel extremely connected to queer femininity, like my internal identity is really femme, but externally, i feel much more euphoria when thinking of myself as butch-presenting. it's really hard to reconcile the difference between the two but yeah, i feel like femme is my core and butch is my performance. both are equally important to me, just in different ways!

[queer-queries]

context: ive seen transfeminine defined as being trans + being feminine. would it be weird for me to use transfeminine (as an afab) since i still present femininely but also am not female? (im agender and tend to consider myself transnull)

hey anon! so transfem and transmasc largely mean (respectively) transitioning towards femininity, and transitioning towards masculinity. now, the wider trans community (at least online) tends to still, unfortunately, have a very binary view of what that means. the larger perception of those terms among the trans community is that transfem refers to people who were AMAB but are trans and whose gender is feminine. and the parallel is true for transmasc.

and it's perfectly fine that a majority of people use those labels in that way. but, as is the case with any queer terminology, not everyone will fit as neatly into the common perception of a term's definition. some people who were AFAB still have to "transition" towards femininity for various reasons. while i don't personally identify as transfem, it's an experience i resonate with because femininity was pretty denied from me growing up as an autistic girl who couldn't stand makeup or "girly" clothes from a sensory perspective. i consider myself trans and feminine, and while i don't personally id as transfem, some people use transfem to mean just trans + feminine for themselves.

i've definitely seen people say that this is "appropriative" of transfems who were AMAB. but, while there absolutely are culturally-exclusive terms that exist, many queer labels are not a culture to be appropriated- they are open and adaptable. labels can be used with a certain intent and meaning but still resonate with people for differing reasons. by and large, queer terms don't "belong" to anyone. you resonating with the label 'transfem' in a reason different to an AMAB transfem person's, is not reflective on THEIR validity.

so the trans community largely views there being only ONE way to transition towards femininity (being AMAB) and while that may hold true for many people, it doesn't for everyone. and you don't deserve to be pushed away from a label or experience just because your identity is more unique.

labels, like any word, can mean more than one thing. if you were afab but are trans and still feminine, and therefore you resonate with the label transfem, then that doesn't mean suddenly AMAB transfems are "cancelled out" or invalidated by your usage of the term. there are as many ways to be trans as there are trans people. you're not identifying as anything with malicious intent, you're not trying to be some horrible transmisogynistic asshole, you're just simply trying out the terms that feel right, and there's nothing wrong with that!

[queer-queries]

I've identified as asexual for years, but right now I'm kind of questioning that because I'm dating this guy who's absolutely amazing, which is not the point, but he makes me think about things that I've never thought about in my life and it's making me wonder if I really am ace? Can you be ace and still think about stuff like that?

hey anon! so sexuality is super complicated and personal! but asexuality is not just a set thing, it's a spectrum! it's not just asexual vs. allosexual, there's a huge grey-area in between! for example, greysexual is a term for people on the asexual spectrum who DO experience some sexual attraction, but it's either a much lesser or infrequent/less intense amount than *most* people, and/or they only feel it in certain circumstances unlike allosexual people!

another term is demisexual, which is when one requires a significant emotional connection with someone before they could ever even start to feel sexually attracted to them! this means one doesn't feel any kind of sexual attraction to anyone unless they already have a deep relationship with them! this doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, but it can be!

under the demisexual umbrella is amantesexual, where one doesn't experience attraction until they're in love with someone! i'm not sure if you describe your experiences with the word love, but if you do consider your relationship with your boyfriend to be in love, then that could be a term to look into!

if you're interested in microlabels, here are a few others you might be interested in! apressexual axiosexual

but even outside of these terms, people who are 100% asexual can still have sexual desires/thoughts! sexual attraction isn't required to want sex- sex can be pleasurable for people even if they don't have a specific attraction to the person(s) involved, it really is just down to how an individual sees their relationship with sex!

so long story short- it's completely possible to be asexual or on the asexual spectrum and still experience some form of sexual attraction, desire, and/or thoughts! you're not alone or strange or bad, that's super common- i'm ace-spec myself and still experience those things sometimes!

[queer-queries]

Okay, I have a question and I’m not sure if this is even appropriate to ask, but I saw the other tomboy ask and this hasnt left my brain since

I’m straight. Not gay. Im a girl and I like men.

But I’m also very masculine for a girl, growing up I was called a tomboy, and now I’m often mistaken for a lesbian.

Now. I know that butch is a term used in the lesbian community to describe masculine women, right? So I would assume that *I* couldnt use that word to describe me since I’m not a lesbian even though I’m masculine? Is there perhaps a different word to describe masculine women who are not lesbians besides tomboy, which sounds more childish?

hey friend!! you're absolutely not alone in this experience! as a butch lesbian myself, i so so appreciate your willingness to respect that butch is often seen as a lesbian-exclusive term, but it's really more just a queer-exclusive term. it's largely thought to be a lesbian/sapphic term, but it's really applicable to any queer person who experiences masculinity through a butch lens!

onto your question though, the label i'm most familiar with is azurgirl! i hope that works for you :)

[queer-queries]

Hiii so this is less of a query more of a. Rant I guess? Just wanna get thoughts out about this, maybe get some thoughts from someone who's genderqueer and possibly anyone following this blog who may have a similar experience

So ok. Context. I'm a transmasc nonbinary turian, and I've identified as such for I think 2 years now? I'm pretty comfortable in the fact that I am those things. But uh, there's a part of me that i think is still a lil attached to the fact that I was, at some point not that long ago, a straight girl. And not like, as in before I realised I was trans, there was fully a time where I was a cis straight girl. And I think there's a part of me that's still attached to what I used to be. Which is definitely somewhat dysphoric to think, heck calling myself a girl is just Not Right At All.

So like! It's confusing. I think I'm a turigirl? But I'm just not fully sure if it's a bit of me not fully internalising being trans now, or if its genuine attachment that will stick around even after I've fully transitioned. And again, calling myself a girl is dysphoric, and so the term turigirl is a bit dysphoric? Even though. I think it somewhat fits? I also think I'm actually still a lil bit straight as well actually which is really confusing ahah. So I guess I'm a straight turigirl? Idk still sounds a lil weird on me,,,,

Sorry if this is awfully worded I did not proof read this at all, uhm, hopefully you have a lil advice? Even just. A term for turigirl that isn't turigirl would be swell. tysm you are amazing

hi friend! as someone whose dysphoria has been getting worse lately but definitely has a complicated relatioinship and history with gender, i feel like i get a bit where you're coming from! dysphoria can be arbitrary! but i know that even many multigender transmascs who are both transmasc and girls still struggle with calling themselves girls because they get dysphoria from it because even though they ARE girls, they only ever get called girls to misgender them and deny them their transmasculinity. so you are absolutely not alone in your experience as a transmasc with a connection to girlhood but still getting dysphoria from that term and the thought of it.

since im a sucker for making people happy with terms, i've gone ahead and coined a term for you! i hope it fits! and if it helps, i've personally met several turigirls who id'd as straight in a way as well! and it doesn't need to make sense to me or anyone else- if it makes sense or feels right to you, that's what matters! i hope you have a lovely day anon <33 /p

[queer-queries]

I'm like 90% sure I'm acespec, do they got a word for "no desire to have a romantic or sexual relationship, but is still able to be attracted to people in those ways?"

I tried to Google it but got nothing

i believe the closest thing i could think of is lithromantic and lithosexual !

[queer-queries]

Soo, I’m not really sure how to ask this question. But I’m a *girl*, but I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy. And honestly sometimes being called a girl feels wrong, like I guess I identify with tomboy more than I do girl? But not always, sometimes I like being called a girl. Idk its weird and I’m just not acknowledging that atm

But because of my short hair and the way I dress, people often confuse me for a boy and call me he or young man. And it doesnt bother me? Actually sometimes I prefer it being called she. But I dont like when people use neutral words for me like they or person, it makes me feel bad and Im not sure why. So I guess my question is can I be a girl and use both he and she? Or at least is it okay if I don’t mind that people sometimes think I’m a boy?

Thank you in advance - 🍕

hey lovely anon! you know what, gender is very personal. sure, there are broad labels and understandings we put on it, but at the end of the day, we can't possibly put the entirety of human gender diversity into a broad general label.

for example, i get dysphoria with my chest and with being thought of as a woman, but i am 100% comfortable with the fact that i'm a girl, just in a genderqueer way. i want to be seen as a boy-girl, but i am extremely uncomfortable with the terms masc, transmasc, and boy/guy/man for myself. i want to be as butch as i can but i hate he/him pronouns for myself just as much as i hate the term 'woman' for myself, but i am not non-binary. all of this might confuse others, but it's just who i am.

i'm saying this to show that gender has fuck-all to do with how we TRY to understand it in a broader context, and much more to do with just how we personally define it for ourselves. i personally have seen hundreds of women on this site who use he/him pronouns- some exclusively, some along with other pronouns! i'm not sure if you are a lesbian or identify with that term personally, but if you are or if you're sapphic in some way, not necessarily just lesbian sapphics, then there is a HUGE history of challenging gender norms. in fact, Leslie Feinberg, one of the most influential thinkers of early American lesbian, trans, and queer activism, used he/him pronouns, she/her pronouns, and the pronouns ze/hir as well as part of hir stone butch identity!

pronouns are really personal and they can be arbitrary but my point is- yes yes yes, you can ABSOLUTELY be a girl/tomboy who uses both he/him and she/her pronouns. you can use them as alternates, use one set at a certain time and another at different times, be fluid between them, you can truly do what you want when it comes to your queer identity. i recommend this reading to everyone, but especially queer girls/queer people who identify at least somewhat with lesbianism/sapphicism/queer womanhood, to read Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg. It's truly a seminal work, and along with exploring butch identity, it is also an exploration of lesbian and trans class struggle!

if you struggle with reading, language, or anything like that, then you can let me know and i'd be happy to give you a summary of Stone Butch Blues as well as some of my favorite quotes/themes!

[queer-queries]

I’m lowkey confused and scared rn. For the past four years I’ve IDed as nonbinary/agender in some sense, but now I’ve slowly started to reconnect with my AGAB and now I don’t know if I am anymore. I’m really worried that if I end up being cis that what I’ve experienced and explored will amount to nothing, and I’d have wasted four years of my life for nothing. What do I do?

i'm so sorry for the late response, but i want you to think about a hypothetical for a minute.

so there's this person. they think they have it figured out what they want to do with their life- they want to be a scientist. so they go to college for science, major in science, and for a few years, that's what they do.

but slowly, the field of science opened them up to new possibilities. through science, they started to like art, and realized they would rather spend their life painting and drawing, so they leave the world of science to start a career in art.

and they spend a few years painting, and it's wonderful. but after awhile, they start to wish that the things they were painting could be more real and brought to life, so they think "maybe i should start directing movies, because that's a way to bring art to life more and give it an active story" so they start to pursue that instead of painting!

they are three things- a scientist, a painter, and a director, because people/beings are not one dimensional. change does not cancel itself out. in fact, change relies just as much on what you were before because without it, there would be no beginning to a transformation, nothing to look back on after you've changed a lot.

you spent years feeling one way, and that feeling is shifting. but change is ALWAYS a balance between who you were and who you're becoming. without the way you identified before, you would not have the unique view on your own gender and identity that is allowing you to currently explore potentially new aspects of it. just like that director/artist/scientist would not have discovered the joy of directing without the joy of art, or the joy of art without science.

life is not linear. who you were is in the past, but the past guides us in the present and the future. you can't change the past, but that doesn't mean it's static- it is always a part of you. it is the reason you are who you are. change is hard, but your identity is GOING to shift and grow along with you. your experience of who you used to more strongly be, is still part of you, because the past is just as much a part of you as the here and now, and as the future you will know. i know this is very philosophical, but it's true. without the past there would be no present or future.

so if you do end up connecting more with being cis, then that is awesome. the point of discovery isn't to always find something new- sometimes you just discover something that was always there, but you've just recently gained the insight to explore more. "cis" is not a synonym for "has a completely normal and standard and non-personal experience with gender". gender is personal. i am a cis girl, and i identify with both nonbinary and trans communities because of my unique experience with gender. my gender experience as an autigender butch-femme girl is not any less real just because i'm cis. anon, you and your journey are wonderful. the past speaks within you- you do not have to judge it for not being completely correct about itself, you just have to listen to how it's helping you move forward. much love anon, you are glorious.

[queer-queries]

i hate cynicism. I know seeing the good in the world can be hard as fuck but don’t stop looking.

somewhere in the world right now, someone is still in the process of writing your favorite book

someone is making art that will eventually inspire you

someone is getting up at 6:00 in the morning to build things because they want you to be safe

someone is getting up early to make your favorite coffee at your favorite coffee shop

someone is starting a business to create sustainable products, to design fat fashion, to support Black creators, to help house the homeless

someone is alive because you are.

someone is fighting to make the world a better place- and it’s because they want you there to experience it.

you may only see evil, but there are two sides to every coin. for every bigot and bully, there are ten times as many friends and allies. life is not meaningless- in fact, have you ever stopped to wonder that maybe the meaning of life is to FIND the meaning of life? there is so much more to this world than pain and suffering and you shouldn’t shut it out or avoid it, but it is only part of the story and maybe, just maybe, life is about discovering the other parts.