revvents

[revvents]

When I was like, 17? I hurt my back really bad - like, couldn't walk due to extreme pain kind of bad. Being young and naive, and my parents not knowing any better, I went to a chiropractor because I thought they were "back doctors", like podiatrists are "foot doctors".

They took X-rays, didn't find anything wrong, but had me come in once a week for adjustments for a couple months. Eventually, my back stopped hurting, so I thought it had worked.

Seven years later, I find out I actually have a fractured vertebrae that never healed properly, and it is now getting worse and causing me a lot of pain. My mobility is extremely limited. I have been in and out of physical therapy with little improvement. Additionally, there's numbness and tingling in both my legs due to nerves being pinched and/or damaged in the area. Surgery is an option, but it would likely just cause more problems down the line, so it may not be worth it.

Had I gone to a real doctor the first time, maybe they would have caught the fracture earlier. Maybe I wouldn't be in pain whenever I walked. But because I was naive and fell for the lie of chiropractors, my back is likely permanently damaged.

Periodic reminder that you should never trust a chiropractor with your body under any circumstances

[revvents]

Why do I gotta see a different therapist for each of my mental illnesses. My ADHD effects my autism effects my OCD effects my eating disorder effects my depression/anxiety effects itself!! One cannot be treated without considering the others!! Idk if it's just how Kaiser works but seriously I just want one person who can help me understand it all together

[revvents]

My weekend has been a rollercoaster.

Saturday:

- Had therapy in the morning.

- Went to Halloween-themed ren faire! Outdoors w/ masks.

- Pants ripped while there. Luckily my cloak hid it, but I had to buy new pants.

- Left early, which was nice because my social energy was gone.

- Got stuck in standstill traffic on a two-lane highway for over an hour. Turns out there was a fatal head-on collision just ahead of us. Helicopter landed in the field next to us to transport injured.

- Saw a ton of stars and enjoyed a soothing breeze, played some games with friends while stuck in traffic (before we knew the reason for the stop).

- Had to turn around and find another route home. Other route was a bumpy, one-lane but two-way road through the mountains with no guard rail. It was well past sunset so it was pitch black. Nearly had a head-on collision of our own when going around a sharp corner, as someone happened to be coming around that corner at the same exact time from the opposite direction.

- Did not collide (or go off the cliff trying to avoid the other car) and had a mostly uneventful rest of the drive.

- Picked up our dog from daycare (later than planned) and she was so happy to see us.

Sunday:

- Had a lazy morning, snuggling with our dog.

- Planned for roommates to pick up treats on their way home that we could have while watching a silly Halloween movie.

- Plans got cancelled cuz we were all too tired.

- Was trying to fall asleep when we heard someone screaming for help on the street.

- Saw a Black man being cornered by police, calling for help, saying that he had filed a civil suit against a police officer and they were harassing him for it.

- Went down with roommates to record and ask the police what they were doing. (They didn't care to answer, of course).

- The man was loaded onto a stretcher and sedated, but not before he saw us and other bystanders recording and told us which police officer he had filed a lawsuit against, who he said had created a fake warrant for him in retaliation.

- The man was loaded onto an ambulance. Police told us it wasn't our business and left.

- Us bystanders discussed what to do afterwards, and got contact info for each other.

- I spent an hour researching right to record laws and how to report police harassment. Sent the info to the other bystanders.

- Am now trying to sleep but I'm full of adrenaline and still jittery.

And I'm just supposed to go back to work tomorrow like nothing happened?

[revvents]

I keep??? Seeing memes??? About people figuring out their sexuality and then their gender creeps up on them?

I had a very different experience. My gender was something I had a label for very quickly. Granted that label changed and evolved as I grew up and learned more about myself, but it wasn't so much a struggle in that sense as it was kind of sitting back mentally and making observations about myself.

My sexuality, however, has always confused me. I've tried many labels and they all seemed to fit at once while also not at all. I may never really figure it out.

I dunno, I guess seeing all the memes, I just wondered if I was the only one who felt that way. I know there's gotta be someone else out there who had a similar experience, right?

[revvents]

"You'll get more conservative as you get older"

Motherfucker I have gotten exponentially more leftist every single year, and will probably continue to do so.

The reason current older generations trend towards conservativism is because a huge part of the leftist population from their generation were killed.

Poverty, medical inequality, police brutality, homelessness, and many other factors specifically targeted and continue to target minorities that trend towards the left.

And at that point they didn't have the internet to share their experiences to millions upon millions of people who could learn from and empathise with them. So the people who survived often simply believed the excuses that the government offered to avoid their own responsibility, that those deaths were caused by laziness or deviancy or simple bad luck. Surviving leftists who tried to speak out were easily silenced or spoken over.

Now we have 24/7 access to post our own experiences and read others. We find camaraderie, support, basic human decency where before there was isolation. Not that it's a perfect solution, obviously it can be used to hurt as well. But the excuse that "old = conservative" wasn't even (and still isn't, don't discredit elderly leftists) true for the Boomers, much less the generations with more information at their fingertips than any generation before them.

Honestly people who still say "you'll get more conservative as you get older" lose almost all respect from me because while maybe they were tricked by the lies they were told years ago, continuing to believe such things shows a distinct lack of either critical thinking or will to learn.

[revvents]

This doesn't really fit this blog but I wanted to post it and didn't want it to be on my main blog so...

I had an extremely vivid dream last night. And I have somewhat vivid dreams all the time, that leave me a little confused and questioning whether or not a conversation happened irl or in the dream, but this one was different. When I woke up, I wasn't sure where I was, who I was, which me was sleeping and which me was awake. It was a weird feeling.

It's faded a little now but I can still remember most of it, which is also sorta strange for me, I usually forget a dream about five minutes after I wake up.

The dream started with the whole world starting to get sick (hmm I wonder where that came from) but rather than a literal virus it was this tiny green slime-like thing that oozed and moved. It spread itself thin across clothing and skin so most people couldn't see it when they got "infected".

All at once I realized I could see it, and I was certain for some unknown reason that I couldn't be infected. Then, I found that I could kind of... direct the slime virus. Like, I could will it to peel away from someone or their clothes (even if they were already infected) and gather in my hand. It kind of floated to my hand, either by telekinesis or it being able to float I don't know. I'm not sure what I did with it after that but it just wasn't in my hand anymore.

I used this power first to get the slime virus away from my friend who was with me when everything had started and I'd realized what I could do. Then the two of us went around and I'd tell everyone we met what I knew about the slime virus as I peeled it away from them, and then I'd give them a warning that it could come back and infect them again so they should go home and stay there (in dream land, people actually listened to this advice).

My friend and I headed to where my sister worked (not my irl sister, just someone who was my sister in the dream) and got the slime virus off of her. Apparently something I did meant she couldn't get re-infected because she then continued to work and I was okay with it.

My friend went to their home and I went to mine, which was basically a big white box with a huge rectangular hole window on one side, with a doorway (no door just another opening) to the left of that and a couple knickknacks on the shelving that the rectangular hole kind of made. Through that window/doorway, there was a huge field filled with Minecraft-style bushes (leaf blocks) and wheat.

I've been playing a lot of Minecraft lately so that bit doesn't really surprise me as much as it might have.

While at home I was messing around with pieces of the slime virus, trying to see if anything else I could make it do. My sister, in the meantime, came home- apparently we lived together- and started making dinner in a kitchen that hadn't existed before.

I got really frustrated with the virus and focused on a tiny speck of it I could see on the wall, telling it to die. It turned brown and shrivelled away. I felt shocked and then tried the same command on the slime I could see on one of the Minecraft bushes in the field.

One entire "block" of the bush itself turned brown, shrivelled up and poofed into dust, taking the bit of slime virus that had been on it with it. I tried it again on a bit of the wheat. Same thing.

Then I went on a frenzy, repeating "die" over and over while focusing on different plants (seemingly all of them had pieces of the slime virus on them) to the point where when I eventually woke up the word was still on constant repeat in my head. When nearly the entire field was empty, I stopped.

I went back inside and told my sister that I thought I had "another power". When I explained that I could tell the virus to die and it would, but it would take whatever living thing it was on with it, she suddenly became (not morphed so much as came into focus) my irl sister, who then had a panic attack about it.

I think she for some reason thought I might use this ability on her, even though she couldn't get re-infected, either by accident or on purpose. She was also very worried about me using it on other people. She called our mum to tell her what was going on, while I went back to the field and started trying to figure out if I could focus my command on only the slime so the living thing it was on survived.

I had not been successful by the time I woke up.

I was then late for work because I'd managed to sleep through all three of my alarms somehow.

[revvents]

Thank you for that excellent addition.

I don't have many followers but for those I do have, please see above.

That emotional dysregulation bit of ADHD is super not helpful in the modern era when so many people are dumbasses, nazis, and/or purposefully trolling online and seeing them say anything on social media instantly spirals you into a pit of anger and hatred for humanity at large.

So you're somehow mad at humanity because members of humanity don't treat each other well (which is contradictive, brain), but there's not much you can do through the internet and you can't exactly hunt down this one idiot Trump supporter irl that you found on Twitter, so you have to sit and smolder in your anger until you can find a way to redirect your emotions- not easy with emotional dysregulation!!!

But you can't really avoid all that either because you crave the instant dopamine social media can also provide.

[revvents]

That emotional dysregulation bit of ADHD is super not helpful in the modern era when so many people are dumbasses, nazis, and/or purposefully trolling online and seeing them say anything on social media instantly spirals you into a pit of anger and hatred for humanity at large.

So you're somehow mad at humanity because members of humanity don't treat each other well (which is contradictive, brain), but there's not much you can do through the internet and you can't exactly hunt down this one idiot Trump supporter irl that you found on Twitter, so you have to sit and smolder in your anger until you can find a way to redirect your emotions- not easy with emotional dysregulation!!!

But you can't really avoid all that either because you crave the instant dopamine social media can also provide.

[revvents]

It was nice to feel joy and peace again for a moment.

Seeing everyone out celebrating Trump's loss, hearing Biden's plans to immediately reverse a lot of Trump's terrible policies and get an actual COVID team together, watching the world congratulate us on our return to civility, it almost felt like we really could improve things a bit.

But between Trump's refusal to concede, the GOP's house cleaning of civilian leaders in the Pentagon and worrying statements, the centrist democrats and their little sycophants turning on progressives, and COVID numbers rising horrifically fast, it all feels like it's crashing down harder than it ever has before.

Maybe it just feels like a further drop because we were so happy for that brief moment, because we allowed ourselves to hope for once, but it definitely hurts more deeply than I thought it would.

Why is the world so shitty? Why are people so awful to each other? There is good, I know. But evil is so much more willing to do whatever they need to for power that they seem to wind up with so much more of it.

All I want is peace, but when it gets torn away like this all the time it seems so fleeting and impossible to maintain.

[revvents]

Going from constantly craving/eating food for my literal entire life because it was my brain's main source of dopamine to almost being repulsed by the thought of eating in a matter of days is giving me whiplash.

Like, the day I started my new meds I noticed I wasn't that hungry/crave-y, and now a week later I kind of have to force myself to eat. I don't even know if I'm eating enough calories? I'm tracking them but I have no frame of reference of how few is too few because that's never been the issue before.

It's nice because my relationship with food has always been a huge issue for me but now I'm kinda worried it'll be a different kind of problem.

[revvents]

Me: See's a doctor to help me deal with anxiety, ADHD, and depression.

My anxiety: Makes me babble and overshare about stuff the doc didn't even ask about.

My ADHD/RSD: Tells me the doc hates my guts for being annoying and that I'm his worst patient ever.

My depression: Drains almost all motivation I have to get better.

~*It's a vicious cycle and I haaaate it*~

[revvents]

I’m very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very tired.

[revvents]

AaaaaahhhhhhhhHHHHHHHH

I feel worse than I have in years. I hate it here. Just let me live in peace, away from society and stupid family members.

Fuck off world