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15 Crucial Life Lessons Every Child Should Know

Life is filled with obstacles, but my aspiration is that my child navigates it with courage, determination, and grace. Some lessons she will have to learn herself, but my hope is that my words can guide her along her journey:

1- Don’t be afraid to use your voice. There will always be people who won’t agree with what you are saying, and that is okay. If you believe in something strongly, keep standing by your convictions. Don’t allow anyone to diminish your feelings or beliefs. Stay true to yourself and let you head and you heart be your north star. If you are willing to follow them, they will always lead you in the right direction.

2- This world can be a cruel place, and people may judge or comment about how you look. It is okay to take pride in your appearance, but remember that your looks should not define you.  Strive for kindness.  Unlike beauty, kindness does not fade with age. There will be times that it is tempting to combat cruelty with cruelty. There is enough anger and hate in this world. Allow the light within you to lead you out of the darkness.....

To read the rest of this post, click here: 15 Crucial Life Lessons for Children

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My Daughter's "Tricky People" Bootcamp

As a former New Yorker, I am always cautious when it comes to strangers.  I’m a very petite female, so I understand others can pose a threat to me.  That said, the most important people in my life were once strangers.  My husband was once a stranger, and his family (now my family) were once strangers.  One might say that strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.

My daughter absolutely subscribes to this way of thinking.  When she was very young, she would smile and wave to everyone she saw at the grocery store.  It made a quick trip to the supermarket a huge ordeal as everyone would smile back and begin to chat with her/me.  As she got older, a greeting followed suit. I explained to her that we shouldn’t start up a conversation with people we don’t know, but she looked at me baffled.  In her mind, it was an opportunity to meet and engage with new people.

When Brielle was 3 years old, we went to a neighborhood park with my husband and my in-laws.  Brielle was (and still is) a bundle of energy, and there was a big field where she could run around.  It was deserted until a couple of well-dressed men in suits showed up. I was speaking to my in-laws when my husband tapped me on the shoulder.  To my horror, Brielle had gone over to these men and interrupted their conversation.  The men were smiling at her and clearly found her amusing.  Before my husband could stop me, I ran over and apologized for the intrusion and dragged her away.  My husband informed me after the fact that these well-dressed men were doing a drug exchange when Brielle ran over.  I aged 10 years in that moment.

I explained to Brielle the importance of 911, and she was told to only dial those numbers if the person with her is unresponsive and/or she is in danger.  I also taught her our phone number and address in case of an emergency.  To my shock and terror, she started telling cashiers at the supermarket our phone number and address.  That incident aged me another 20 years.  Luckily after another conversation about privacy and the importance of keeping contact information to ourselves, she no longer did that again.

I wish I could say that those were the last times Brielle put herself in harm’s way, but that would be a lie.  When Brielle was 5, Matt went across the street to ask our neighbors a question, and I told Brielle to go into her playroom so I could take a quick shower.

I went into the bathroom and turned the shower on.  At that point, a feeling of doom came over me.  I don’t know if it was maternal instinct or divine intervention, but somehow, I knew something was wrong.....

Continue reading at: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/my-daughter-s-tricky-people-bootcamp

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When Matthew Met Randi

Almost two months ago my husband and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary, and we have been together for 13 years. There is a lot I know now that I wish I knew back then. Before I get into that, I want to take a step back and tell you a story….

I was single for about two years prior to meeting Matt. I was using a Jewish dating service called Jdate to meet men, as I was obtaining a master’s degree in a subject where there were only women. I went on dates, LOTS of them. I basically dated everyone in the tri-state area. I went on one or two dates with some of the men before deciding we weren’t a good match, and others I dated for about a month. None of them amounted to anything substantial. After I reached my quota of bad dates, I would go off Jdate for months at a time.

I was contemplating going off Jdate when a man sent me a message. His profile picture was in poor lighting, and he was wearing a multicolored striped shirt with a very loud tie. I had dated online long enough to know that if a guy is hiding in his picture, it’s never a good sign. On top of that, he kept bragging about how wonderful he was and how he was waiting for the perfect woman. Bad profile picture + arrogant= loud warning bells.

I had a rule that I would only meet men on my turf (Brooklyn) for the first date. I once had a guy drive for two hours to meet me. This guy told me he worked in Manhattan, and if I wanted to meet, I’d have to travel to him.

I don’t know how this conversation turned into me consenting to take the bus and train to Manhattan to meet him. It is one of the great mysteries in my life. Was it divine intervention or did I have temporary insanity? One will never know for sure....

Continue reading the post at: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/when-matthew-met-randi

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Our Family's Firsthand Account of the Coronavirus

This is an exceedingly difficult time.  I have put this topic off for awhile now, but I have come to the realization that burying my head in the sand will not make it go away.  We are living in a world of chaos and fear.  Things that I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams are now our harsh reality.

A few weeks ago, I sat with my daughter in a Trader Joe’s parking lot while my husband picked up a few items.  I watched people walking around, faces hidden behind masks.  I watched the employee at Trader Joe’s give each person that entered and exited some hand sanitizer and hand out masks to the customers without one.

I watched all of this and sadness flooded over me.  Sadness that this is the world we must live in and a world my 8-year-old daughter now sees as normal.  I am still at a loss that a pandemic has turned our world upside down, and there is no end in sight.

Each of us has been impacted by the pandemic.  The changes in our lives are undeniable. My family and I have experienced firsthand the pain that this virus has caused.

My husband’s grandmother and parents all got sick from COVID-19.  His grandmother unknowingly exposed his parents to it when they brought her into their house.  Since that day at the end of March, our lives have not been the same.  I asked my mother-in-law and father-in-law to write about the horrors that this virus has caused them.  This is their story:

Continue reading the story at: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/our-family-s-firsthand-account-of-the-coronavirus

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A Parent's Greatest Act of Selflessness

Most parents say that they hope their children will be happy when they grow up. Although my daughter’s happiness is of utmost importance to me, I believe that there is a greater aspiration for our children; one that comes at a great cost to ourselves.

Parenting is one of the greatest responsibilities in life (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/the-survivors-guide-to-parenting).  As a baby, a parent’s job is to take care of every need, because a baby is completely dependent on the caregiver.  From changing diapers, to bathing, feeding, burping and rocking our babies to sleep, it is a 24/7 job.  We give and give endlessly.  

Even as babies grow into toddlers and then adolescents, a parent’s job is not over.  We are our child’s financiers, counselors, chefs, housekeepers, confidants, teachers, drivers, protectors, listeners, supporters, cheerleaders, and advisors. No matter how old our child may be, we worry about our children, and we hope we are doing right by them.  Every action, every tear, every struggle, and every illness that our children experience we experience tenfold.....

Continue reading at: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/a-parent-s-greatest-act-of-selflessness

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How To Break The Chains Of Codependency

In case you missed my story of how I worked on my own codependent tendencies, you can read about it here: (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/my-story-of-codependency).

Codependency is not your fault.  The good news is that the things we learned as children do not have to be repeated in adulthood.  We can learn and practice a healthier way of having relationships.

The first step is to take a step back from anything that is out of your control.  Whether it is your mom, your sibling, your friend, your spouse, or even your child, there are certain things that are simply not within our power (or are right) to fix.  This is difficult, but crucial.

Establish clear boundaries so that you can be supportive, loving, and encouraging, but not at the expense of your well-being or happiness.  Others are entitled to make their own choices, regardless of whether you agree with those choices are not.  Likewise, you get to take control of your happiness and make your own choices...

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/how-to-break-the-chains-of-codependency

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My Story of Codependency

Codependency is a buzzword that we can’t seem to escape.  Everywhere you turn there are people preaching about the dangers of codependency.

Don’t get me wrong; I agree that codependency isn’t healthy, but I also understand why it is so easy to fall into that trap.

For many, codependency was normal for us growing up.  If you had a parent or adult in your life that you took care of (as opposed to the other way around), you learned that your happiness and safety were dependent on the other person’s happiness.  There were no boundaries and your feelings were ignored or not even verbalized.  You learned that your well-being and safety was completely contingent on the well-being of someone else.  When that person was happy, you felt loved and needed.  By default, if the adult was upset, sick (mentally or physically), or unavailable to you, you felt worthless and unsafe.

I grew up having the belief system that it was my job to make my mother happy.  I listened to her marital and life problems, tried to cheer her up, and felt good about myself when I felt she needed me.  When she had nothing to do with me, I felt like a complete failure as a daughter and as a person.  I tried to do everything possible to get her love and approval.  As a result, I made myself completely available to her.  I was so available that I spent two hours of my honeymoon trying to calm her down due to her recent breakup.  Her feelings were always prioritized over mine, and I felt it was my job to make sure she was okay...

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/my-story-of-codependency

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The Parenting War

It is a war, my friends, a war.  Each of us must be prepared. Do not let their big eyes and wide smiles fool you.  All we can do is pray that we come out of it alive and with some of our sanity still intact…

It all began when my husband and I foolishly decided we were going to drive to New Jersey from Atlanta with our then 5-year-old daughter.  It was a fourteen-hour ride.  I was armed for battle, however.  I came prepared with an arsenal full of new toys and activities that would keep Brielle entertained for the entire trip.  You name it, I had it.  I was a portable Toys R Us filled with arts and crafts, a tabletop, various solo activities, water reveal pads, stickers, and pre-prepared meals, snacks, and drinks.  I was feeling pretty confident.

As I mentioned in https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/parenting-a-child-with-adhd-part-2, screen-time was not good for my daughter, and handing her an iPad seemed like a terrible idea.  Sure, it would entertain her, but was it what was best for her?  As her mom, it was my job to look out for her best interest.  I refused to listen to my husband’s protests that it was a big mistake.  After all, I was a parenting veteran...

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/the-parenting-war

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Parenting A Child With ADHD - Part 2

This is Part 2 of Parenting a Child with ADHD. If you missed Part 1, read here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/parenting-a-child-with-adhd-part-1.  I hope you find these tips helpful in your parenting journey:

1- Be open and honest with your child about their struggles so there is no shame associated with it.  Just as a kid with a broken leg wouldn’t be expected to run a marathon, a kid with ADHD needs compassion, empathy and support for what they find challenging.  Having open lines of communication is crucial.  Brielle is aware of her challenges, which include focusing and impusivity (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/flashback-friday-surprise), but she understands that who she is as a person is what defines her.  While struggles are important to address, it is just as important to emphasize your child’s strengths!  Remember to emphasize their skills as well...

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/parenting-a-child-with-adhd-part-2

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Parenting A Child With ADHD - Part 1

This article is part 1 of a 2-part article devoted to parenting a child with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD):

I have not been shy about how hard it is to be a parent (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/the-survivors-guide-to-parenting).  Although my daughter wasn’t officially diagnosed with ADHD until she was 6, we suspected she had ADHD long before she was diagnosed.  As a Speech-Language Pathologist, and more importantly, as a mother, I came up with some strategies to parent my daughter:

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/parenting-a-child-with-adhd-part-1

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A Woman’s Right To Choose

My last post was about my choice to only have one child (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/one-child-many-questions), but that topic lends itself to a greater one.  This post is about the choices women make, and the shaming we receive as a result of those choices.

Not only do women receive enormous amounts of pressure to acquiesce to conventional society, but there is also a civil war going on among women, particularly moms.  By a certain age, women are expected to get married.  Women nowadays are getting married at later ages than previous generations, but the expectation is still there.  If couples have been dating for awhile, they are asked when they are planning to get married.  If you haven't gotten married by a certain age, eyebrows raise.

Once you get married, then the real pressure starts.  Questions come up about when there will be kids.  If you do have a child,  people will ask all the time when you are having another one and tell you that it is selfish for not having more.  If you have two kids that are the same sex,  expect to get asked when you are going to have a child of the opposite sex. If you have kids too close together, people will comment on it, just as they will if you have children with a big age gap....

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/a-woman-s-right-to-choose

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One Child, Many Questions

I remember the first time someone asked me when I was having another child.  Brielle was about a year old, and I was pushing her on the baby swing at a nearby park in Brooklyn.  A woman looked at me and asked, “So, when are you having another child?  She needs a sibling.”  I was completely taken aback at this stranger’s question.  I politely said that I didn’t know if/when I was having another, to which she started telling me that she had four children, worked, and that it was my obligation to have more kids.  I felt my face turn red as I felt a combination of anger and shame.  What right did this person have to meddle into my life and tell me what was best for my family?

I wish I could say that was the one and only time I was asked to justify my choice of only having one child.  Honestly, I always imagined I would have two children.  It never occurred to me that life would have other plans for me...

Read the rest of the post here:https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/one-child-many-questions

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How To Regulate Your Child’s Emotions During COVID-19

Let’s be honest.  Controlling our emotions is no easy task.  With the chaos surrounding us due to the pandemic, our sense of normalcy and structure has gone out the window.  We find it hard to manage our feelings due to the upheaval of our lives, so how can we expect our children to do so?

This is where the Zones of Regulation comes in.  I cannot take credit for this; it was invented by Leah M. Kuypers.  There is a book and applications designed to help children label and manage their emotions.  I did not use the book or applications, so I’m unable to go into detail about those.  If you’d like more information, you can go to www.zonesofregulation.com/distance-learning-resources.html.

The purpose of this article is to share what I successfully implemented with my daughter.  I hope that this gives you and your child support and structure, which we all need now more than ever.  Although this is great for anyone, it is particularly helpful for kids with special needs (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/surviving-my-child-s-special-needs), young children, and/or anxious children.  I learned about Zones of Regulation when my daughter was getting Occupational Therapy for her sensory issues...

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/how-to-regulate-your-child-s-emotions-during-covid-19

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Surviving A Loved One’s Addiction

The serenity prayer is a crucial part of recovery meetings.  It is of equal importance to those of us that love someone who is an addict.  To watch someone that you love destroy themselves and their life is the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced.  My husband, Matt, bravely shared his story about addiction on my blog.  It is important to understand that addiction doesn’t just affect the life of an addict; it affects the ones who love the addict just as much.

My husband always liked to drink.  I was never a big drinker, and I’m a lightweight.  One drink for me, and I get tipsy.  I was amazed to see how much my husband was capable of drinking at one time.  I love to dance, and when we were dating, we would go to clubs (ah, the memories of once being young).  I knew Matt was part of a fraternity in college, so when my friends noticed how much he drank and inquired about it, I just chalked it up to him having a high tolerance for it.  He got drunk on our wedding day, but so did most of the guests there.  It was a celebration, after all.....

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/surviving-a-loved-one-s-addiction

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The Road To Happiness Is Paved With Compassion

During this pandemic, we are all just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Like I’ve written before, life is HARD. Parenting is HARD (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/the-survivors-guide-to-parenting). Marriage is HARD (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/surviving-marriage-during-a-pandemic). The hardest thing of all is not being hard on ourselves.

As an adult, I had the same feelings of sadness and anxiousness that I did from my childhood (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/addressing-the-elephant-in-the-room-why-silence-is-not-always-golden). I felt disgust that I felt scared about things, angry that things that came easier to others were so hard for me, and self-loathing that I couldn’t just let go of my feelings of sadness about my mother and about my childhood.

I tried all kinds of treatments. I implemented every suggestion and tool that they gave me, but my feelings never went away.  I was desperate to figure out how to make those symptoms go away. With each failed attempt I asked myself, “what is wrong with me?” and, “will I ever get better?”...

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/the-road-to-happiness-is-paved-with-compassion

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No Contact For Survival

If you’ve been reading my posts, you know that I talk a lot about awareness and acceptance. They are crucial for healing from trauma (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/addressing-the-elephant-in-the-room-why-silence-is-not-always-golden), and they are crucial to properly advocate for your child (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/surviving-my-child-s-special-needs). My husband was able to get the help he needed to get sober when he closed the door on denial and chose awareness and acceptance (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/surviving-addiction). Awareness and acceptance are also necessary components of a healthy marriage (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/surviving-marriage-during-a-pandemic).

This post about acceptance is especially hard for me to write because it is about my mother. My mother is many things to me. For a long time, she was the center of my world. I wanted more than anything to get her approval. I believed that somehow she would become the mother I needed if I kept believing and trying.  

I knew she did terrible things to me, and as an adult I realized those things were abusive. Yet, I have fond memories of her too. In some ways, the good memories made it harder to accept the truth.  I have memories of her singing songs to me, rubbing my stomach when it hurt, and playing games with her....

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/no-contact-for-survival

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Surviving My Child’s Special Needs

Parenting is the greatest responsibility I have ever had.  Although it is my job to help my daughter to learn and grow, she helps me to learn and grow as well.  The truth is, the image I had of parenting is not reality.  The smiling faces on Facebook and Instagram capture mere moments of real-life.  It is easy to look at others and think that you are the only one who struggles.  That is simply not the truth.

Just as it was essential for my well-being to accept the hard truth about my childhood (https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/addressing-the-elephant-in-the-room-why-silence-is-not-always-golden), awareness and acceptance are of paramount importance when raising a child.  The road to acceptance was not an easy road for me.  When I enrolled my daughter in a Montessori Pre-K, the teachers and director voiced a lot of concerns about my daughter’s inability to do things that other kids were doing.  I believed that the large class size and lack of warmness were the cause of everything.  I scoffed when they suggested she had Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).  I was her mother, and my daughter was FINE.....

Read the rest of the post here: https://www.survivingmomblog.com/post/surviving-my-child-s-special-needs