#! brain fog is bad enough the fucking rest of the time i do NOT need it exponentially increasing ahahhahaha.

[intertexts-moving]

god i fucking hate thissssssssss

[thebibliosphere]

Am I reading this right? You have been beating yourself up for not 'working more' and not 'doing enough', but, the mere act of being AT YOUR DESK is extremely painful? Sitting at your work station, just SITTING THERE, caused you PHYSICAL PAIN, but you were still under the impression that you should be able to just 'power through that' to do, what? How much more are you expecting out of yourself? A book a month? Its not like you've STOPPED WORKING. What time table were you holding yourself to???

Here's the thing, my body has always hurt.

Even when I was a child, I was in a lot of pain that was dismissed as either "growing pains" despite the fact that I never got past 5 feet tall at the age of 11 or "attention seeking." So, I learned to stop talking about it. (The trick is now getting me to shut up about it.)

And for most of my teens and twenties, the pain didn't really stop me too much. It was bad, and it sucked, but for the longest time, everyone kept telling me that "everyone" felt that way, so I just sort of learned to power through and hide it under the assumption that "everyone" feels this way.

Well, turns out that was a mistake because my body hit its breaking point, and what might have been a mild genetic disability that could have flown under the radar is now a severe one that greatly impacts my daily life to the point where sitting at my desk causes me pain (because everything causes me pain).

Couple that with some new-age religious trauma about willpower, positive thinking, and whatever the fuck else my parents thought I was capable of as an 'indigo starseed' and the fact that I was trained to mask my ADHD by being a hyper-competent workaholic-- I really don't know what a healthy baseline is.

(I mean, heck, I wrote the first book of Hunger Pangs while literally dying. I assumed it would be edited and published posthumously. Jokes on me because now I've got to edit the rest of the fucking thing.)

I didn't, obviously, and ever since then, I've been trying to learn what a healthy baseline looks like for me post-recovery, and I think I'm doing quite well at it and enforcing my boundaries when people ask too much of me.

But none of that makes up for the shrieking frustration I feel that I can't do the things I want.

I want to be creative and do fun things, but I can't because my body won't let me. I want to write more, but I can't because I'm swimming in brain fog most of the time. Yes it hurts to sit at my desk, but I also need to earn money so the financial burden of everything isn't solely on my partner. (Something which he argues I shouldn't even be worrying about right now, but it's hard not to worry as I watch him work himself to the bone taking care of everything because I can't.)

I promise you, I'm not hustling my ass into an early grave. There is, in fact, zero hustle about how I work. I am very, very slow these days compared to how I used to be. There's no timetable for one thing. I get done what I get done, and that's it.

I'm just perpetually frustrated that my hyperactive brain is trapped in a malfunctioning meat suit. And my blog is where I talk about it and work through my emotions because, well, that's what I've always done long before Tumblr was even a thing. It just so happens now I've got an audience.

[prodbyton]

{12:54}

cw. smut. dom!wonbin x fem reader, petnames (baby, princess) squirting, unprotected sex, +18 mdni

“keep going, baby” wonbin coos from under you, hand going from under his head to move to your ass, giving you an encouraging slap to get you to move again.

“c-cant” you shake, reesting your hands on his thighs behind you as you slowly try to sink yourself down on him again.

“yes you can” he slaps your ass again, this time gripping the flesh and pushing you down which makes you cry out.

your thighs were on fire. you were a mess, tears running down your face as wonbin made you ride him with no help. he just rested his head in his hands, watching as you struggled. all he would do is complain about how you weren’t moving fast enough, slapping your ass every moment he felt like you were starting to slow down.

he was feeling particularly mean today, using you for his own pleasure while you eagerly chased your own. it was hard, he controlled the pace despite you being on top, and he made sure to make you slow down if you were enjoying it too much. it was all about him right now, you’ll get taken care of later. at least that’s what you told him, you’re not one to keep your word when your brain was fogged up from pleasure.

“thought you wanted to make me feel good princess,” he keeps his voice flat, his face emotionless as he moves his hand up to your chest, taking your nipple between his fingers and pinching the bud slightly. you wince, body halting as you felt overwhelmed by his words mixed with his actions.

“i do!” you could almost cry, the feeling of his cock stuffing you full is leaving you dizzy. “just s’too much binnie, need help”

he sighs, knowing he can’t say no to you at this point, and if you two wanted to cum then he would have to put some work in. he lifts his legs so they’re bent, his cock moving inside you has you whimpering. he brings both his hands to rest on your hips, and he manually moves you on his cock until you can keep up.

“so good for me princess , can you keep up?” he thrusts up into you, your body almost toppling over and you have to stabilize yourself on wonbins chest.

“mhm, feels so good bin” you push back onto him, meeting him in the middle with each thrust of his hips. the burn in your thighs tolerable as wonbin guides you on him, the squelching sound of your cunt swallowing him and the sight of the white pool of your arousal around the base of his cock was enough to have that feeling of his orgasm building up come to him fast.

“gonna cum,” his grip on your hip tightens, his thrusts get faster and he lets his eyes close as he loses himself in the feeling of your cunt clenching around him.

you couldn’t speak, you just whine as you bounce yourself on wonbins cock until he’s stilling his hips, shooting his cum deep into you with a groan. his eyes squeeze shut and he holds your waist so tight you can feel it bruising. his orgasm spurs you on, moving your hips frantically as your hand slides down your body to rub your clit.

bottom lip tucked between your teeth, you look at wonbin and how he watches you with blown out eyes, shaking lightly from the overstimulation and he replaces your fingers with his on your clit to help you to your peak.

“shit, cumming, im cumming- fuck!” your orgasm hits you hard, pulling off his cock while his fingers are still on you, quick circles on your clit while you gush on him, soaking his thighs and his sheets with your juices.

shockwaves of your orgasm still shoot through you as you lay on wonbins chest, his hands going to caress you softly, drawing little designs on your back and bringing the other to softly run his fingers through your scalp. you tried to keep your eyes open, but the post orgasm drowsiness was kicking in. wonbin took notice of it, giving you a soft tap on your ass to wake you back up.

“dont get sleepy on me now princess, wanna make you do that again”

was gonna gatekeep this one for a week or two but i would feel bad so here yall go 🙈 it’s unedited so sorry for any errors!

[minjiarchive]

where you want to be | jibo x reader

jibo was most voted <3 i apologize about the long wait for a fic... so busy and focusing on mental health 🥲 i'm back but will be a bit slow at uploading at times

warning / smut, threesome, cockwarming, use of some degradation? (cumslut mentioned once only)

“This is exactly where you want to be.”

Bent over the bed with your head between Bora's legs, Minji slamming her strap in you from behind – it's exactly what you're made for.

But in this position, it makes you feel so humiliated and pathetic. It could be from how much of a desperate girl you look, could be the way you're sucking Bora off while Minji fills you up as if a strap inside your mouth wasn't enough. You don't know but you do know that you don't want to stop.

Two beautiful girls claiming you as theirs was just a fantasy until now.

“Look at you, so pretty like this...” Minji moans, cold hands traveling up your back to the ends of your hair to pull harshly at them.

Your mouth is occupied by Bora's dick, which isn't a real one, but she treats it like it's hers. She flexes her thighs each time you try to take it deeper in your mouth like she can feel your warm tongue working the length.

You want Minji to know that you acknowledge her kind words so you whine around the length, feeling a sore throat catching up to you.

“You're so full of Bora's strap,” it's quite obvious but Minji says it to tease you. It's not like you aren't wet with anything they say anyway. “It feels nice doesn't it?”

“Such a cute girl for us to use.”

Bora adds on while she runs her fingers through your hair, praising you well after a bit of her degradation.

Minji let's out a small hum in agreement with Bora as Minji's hips slowly move against you. Slowing down her pace so you don't cum too quickly, it would be a shame to have you not experience the rest of the fun tonight.

Every part of your body is sensitive and sore and as you get off to sucking Bora off with Minji pounding you, your brain is fogged up with pleasure. Your lips detach from the shorter girl's strap, letting it go with a pop. There's a mix of spit at the corners of your mouth from Bora's spit to lube it up for you and the mess you left.

You breathe hard, small whimpers coming out in intervals because of Minji's continuous attack from behind.

“Did I say you could stop,” Bora grips your chin, fucked out eyes meeting hers. Your face is incredibly flushed but your rosy cheeks are very much visible, she brushes her thumb over them while demanding an answer.

Minji notices and intervenes, “I'd think about your decisions before misbehaving to Bora.”

The taller girl stops moving her strap inside of you but leaving it in you to let you warm it up. It feels embarrassing that she's having you cockwarm it as a 'punishment' because you know she's watching to see if you'd move your body for any type of relief.

As she watches you, you slowly grind your ass against the base of the cock and it doesn't take long for Minji to spank you for it. A hard smack on one cheek that leaves you in an absolute chokehold.

You slip up with a loud but broken 'fuck' and she smacks your ass twice again.

“You love being bad today, don't you?” Minji asks but it's rhetorical. She doesn't want an answer, she doesn't need one. Between her and Bora, they know how much you get off to the thought of them. But, by glancing at Bora, she can see Bora getting off to seeing you being handled like this. It reassures Minji that she's doing something right.

“Minji, Bora... please, please.”

You beg because it's all your mind can process and think about it – Minji, Bora, and needing more.

“We don't care,” Bora mumbles as she bunches your hair up and pulls your head over her strap again, “you're gonna keep going until we tell you to stop, yeah?”

Simple, easy rules that you can take and obey but they aren't easy to follow when you're in a position like this. Your lips quickly capture the tip of Bora's strap again, you had your time to take a break and breathe and their patience was ticking down like a timed bomb.

“We can think about putting that pretty tongue to more use if you're good,” and you nod to that like an obedient puppy.

“You belong to us, princess.”

“Only our cumslut to pass around and fuck.”

[arueternity]

How the eepy boys react to their fem s/o that tells them they want to be breeded?? 🥴 obviously nsfw allowed. Thanks in advance 🫶🏼

OOhh So Sorry it took me so long to finish, ended up writing a lot more than I originally wanted too. I hope you enjoy! Warnings/Tags: Vessels aren't human, Breeding, Spanking, Penis in vagina, Trans character, Knotting dildos, Knotting, Overstimulation, Vaginal fingering, Fingerfucking, Breeding kink, Squirting, Rutting, Mating cycles/in heat, Nipple play, Primal play, Chasing during sex, dom/sub, Subby III, Switching, Slapping, Light impact play, Disobeying orders, bratting, Slight pregnancy kink

EVERYTHING IS 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

Vessel

As soon as the words leave her mouth, it's like Sleep had blessed him.

“Ves can you breed me? Please?”

The primal urge inside of him unlocks and he's slowly stalking to her, eyes just full of lust and need.

God she better be prepared to have herself stuffed and used.

Keep in mind, these boys aren’t human, they’ve got a little extra something.

“Repeat what you just said to me…” Vessel speaks as he slowly corners her against the fall, “I need to hear it from that beautiful mouth again.” As he backs her into a corner, her eyes go wide with a small bit of surprise and fear. “Can you breed me..?” She questions and cringes at her cracking voice. The male chuckles and slowly wraps his hand around her throat in a comforting form. “Yeah I will, stuff your cunt so full of me you’re bound to get pregnant.” The hand slowly tightens, her own hands wrapping around his wrist, and a soft pleading whimper falls from her mouth. It was the second time the woman before him had sent him off today. 

Vessel leaned down and ghosted his lips against her jaw, peppering gentle kisses up to her ear before chuckling out, “Strip for me, show me what I’ll be claiming with my cum” He moves back allowing her to remove the clothes keeping him from touching her. She moves slowly, carefully as though giving the poor male a display of her body. He smiles, soft fangs catching her attention as they have many times before. He lets out a soft groan at the sight before him, ready to consume the woman in front of him. 

“Perfect..” Vessel mumbles while carefully turning her so her ass is pressed against his clothed cock. She shivers at the feeling of his arousal against her, aching for breeding. She pushes back against him one last time before slowly bending over and spreading her legs, presenting herself to him while using the wall as support. 

“Ves come on... Use me, breed me, fuck me!” She whines, tired of the slow pace the vessel had set. 

He chuckles softly, unzipping and pushing his pants and underwear down, cock on full display resting against the curve of her ass. “So needy for me pet…” Vessel grinds forward, feeling the smoothness of her skin against his throbbing cock. His hands slowly moved to grip her hips, pulling her back against him. Her soft whine leered him further into the fog of his sex-ridden brain. He sighed out, trying to keep his composure and not ravage her at that exact moment, wanting to prolong the experience. “If you don’t hurry the fuck up, I’m going to one of the others…!” She taunted, trying to draw the male into the illusion of giving her what she wants. Instead, she received a slap to the right side of her ass, a stinging burn the size of Vessel’s palm. He chuckles softly, ignoring her and pulling himself back away from her enough that she panics softly, “Oh then go, I just won’t touch you again got it pet?” He rubs his tip up and down her slit, staring into her eyes, challenging her to say something disobedient again. When she doesn’t, he slowly pushes the head of his cock into her cunt. It sucks him in, the wetness spreading across his shaft as he quickly pushes in, not giving her time to adjust. “Bad pets get used however I feel.” She moans loudly at his words, head leaning against the wall, arms supporting her at the quick onslaught of thrust. His pace fast, pounding her and using her tiny tight cunt however he saw fit. Vessel’s cock shaped and molded her wetness to the shape of it, hugging him perfectly. Her mewls and fucked out whimpers were proof of just how good it felt to be used by him. The woman’s mouth agape, drool softly falling with every heavy thrust of Vessel’s hips. The slapping sound of their skin connecting grew louder as the tightness of her cunt grew.  Her face formed into a quickly fucked out mess of drool and giggles. “Vesss I wanna cum pleassee” she slurs down, hips fucking back against his.

“Aw, the disobedient girl wants to cum? Before me?” He slowed his hips, watching as she whines and squirms to get the pace back up to speed, “After you said that to me? You cum I’m not stopping. Got it?”

She nods quickly, quickly reaching down to play with her clit, orgasm already ready to hit the peak. Pleasure washes over her as Vessel picks the pace back up, angling his thrusts to hit the perfect spot that leaves her cunt clenching tightly. He chuckles softly and leans down close to her ear, nipping and licking at it slowly. “Cum for me.”

His voice knocks the orgasm right out of her, her body tensing up and shaking with the pleasure of his cock still ramming into her. Her moans so loud they echo alerting everyone in the house of their activities. His thrusts breaking her moans up and turning them into pathetic little pants of his name, “Vessel Vessel Vessel”

The male groans softly, the wet heat gripping and sucking him in, attempting to milk his cock for all his worth. Vessel knocks her feet to spread them more, rutting into her overstimulated cunt. Her moans mixing in with his, soft whines as he continues to abuse her g spot.

“You want my kids? Want my seed?” He thrusts, emphasizing every. Single. Word. with his punishing movements. She whines mind broken, only wanting whatever Vessel would give her. “Fucking take them then. Don’t spill a fucking drop.”

He leans his head down, the forehead of his mask pressed in between her shoulder blades. Vessel groans and growls, feeling the twitching of his cock buried deep inside her. His cum flooding her cunt before his knot begins to swell and stop the overflow.

“Thank you Sir…”

II

It's kind of a shocker to II at first, he’ll just stand there and then slowly nod like he understands.

My II is trans so he just kinda points between himself and her with a questioning look

Shrugs and then makes sure she completely understands that he can breed her, but she won’t get pregnant

Bonus of this, she gets to pick out the size of the squirting/cumming dildo

II is the type to make her come at least 2 times before breeding as well

II looks down only half-amused at the woman underneath him, tired eyes tracing the movement of his fingers pumping in and out of her wet cunt. “One more at least... Then I can fuck you yeah?” He mumbles out, barely heard over the sweet sounds of her moans. Her body tenses up, ready to release the second orgasm of the night.

“Oh fuck fuck, II..!” she moans out, the tension finally releasing as she cums on his fingers, coating them with her sweet wetness. Not only had his fingers been a target of her releasing but as had everything, soaking II and the bed but with her squirt.

The male chuckled and slowly pulled his fingers from her quivering cunt as his partner whined with overstimulation. “Can’t tap out now love, still gotta fill you remember?”

She looked at him through cloudy pleasure-filled eyes and nods as best as she can. II bends down and kisses her clit one last time before standing up and stretching from the straining position. Her eyes gladly soak in the sight of her mate, his own arousal throbbing and slick with his wetness. She moans softly at the sight of her partner’s ass, watching as he turns to grab the harness and cumming dildo. “Hey babes, still with me?” He questions his girlfriend as he adjusts the straps comfortably. She smiles and hums happily, reaching out with grabby hands and open legs. “Very…”

II chuckles and crawls in between her legs, gently nudging the tip against her clit. She softly moans and shifts her hips aching for more even after being overstimulated.

“Yeah that’s my girl…” He hums softly into her ear, carefully angling his tip to her leaking hole, “Gonna take me so well, will breed you and make you have my babies.”

She keens, back arching at the stretch, everything feeling more pleasurable than before. II hushes her with gently “sh sh sh” in an attempt to not wake the others. His lover’s eyes roll back once he is fully seated in, the knot kissing at her entrance begging to be let in.

He laughs softly at her, cooing at her pleasure, “Yeah taking me perfectly baby girl.”

The pace began slow, II pulling his hips in and out and grinding forward to rub against her clit. The woman underneath him mewled out at the feeling, enjoying the slow push and clit attention. Oh but it wasn’t enough, she needed more, needed him to be buried so deep into her.

She whines, clawing at his forearms, clinging leaving deep red scratches and moon shapes in her awake. “Mo-more please!” Needing more but not sure of exactly what she wanted. II smiles sadistically and angles his hips perfectly into the patch of sensitive nerves inside of her, Her screams of pleasure made him flinch and cover her mouth quickly, blocking her sounds from the others. “Shut up… We don’t need the others coming in here and taking you from me do we?”

At his words, his mate’s cunt clenched and sucked him in deeper, the wet quenching growing louder as he pounds into her wet cunt. “Oh you like that idea? Liked the idea of Vessel coming in? Maybe IV? III? Huh?” 

Each name II spouted off, he thrust harder, slipping a little bit of the knot deeper into her warm heat. He shakes his head in fake disappointment and moves his hand covering her mouth to his own, licking his thumb with a slurry look in his eyes. She whines louder, moving her hands to her nipples, roughly pinching and playing with them while watching her lover. He scoffs at the action and moves his thumb to her clit, rubbing at the same fast rough tempo of his thrust, “Since you wanna be a slut I can treat you like one and make you cum on my knot.” Her legs wrap around his waist, locking him from moving to far, II’s thumb working over her clit pushing her deeper and closer to the third orgasm of the night. “Yes Yes! Gimme your knot! II please!” She screams at the top of her lungs, pleasure washing her like a thick blanket.

II smiles and leans down grabbing the syringe and places thick kisses against his lover’s neck. “Take my knot baby…”

He sinks his teeth into the side of her neck triggering her orgasm to crash over her with suddenness. As he sinks his teeth in, at the same time he pushed his knot in, floating her cunt with the sticky white liquid cum. “Thank you thank you! Gimme your babies yes!” She hisses out, her whole body tensioning as the waves of pleasure continue and are prolonged by the filling.

“It's all yours darling, all yours…”

III

He’ll slowly crouch down/get on her level and look her in the eyes

Boy is confused as to why she’d wanna be bred, but after some explaining he’s all for it

It’ll start off gentle, soft playful kisses to get her in the mood till one of them is desperate enough to push the other. 

Iii is whiny with want to be inside of her. Wants to be as close to her as possible. 

“Please let me... I need to breed you... sugar please..”

His soft pleading eyes stare into hers with so much need and lust. A gentle whine leaves his eyes as he pushes his hips closer to hers seeking out the warmth he craves. A moan tumbles from her mouth, mixed with teasing laughter at the poor male, “III honey, calm down you need to take my pants off.” The taller huffs, tail flicking with irritation at his lover’s statement. The small hunger need to consume his partner slowly grows as he can partially already feel the wet heat calling for him.

Careful but hastily III takes the offending material from her thighs, gently moving his fingers against her skin as he moves downwards. Soft goosebumps litter her skin, a noise of encouragement from her that has the male leaking pre. He hadn’t known just how much he craved filling her over and over again till she had offered her the sweet words, “Breed me.”

She coos at him condescendingly, a fake form of comfort while knowing III is holding himself back from devouring her. “Come on, you can do it… Doing so fucking great baby.” The smirk present on her lips leaving him even more frustrated than the aggregating material of his pants. 

He attempts to take them off, to free his cock to present it to her, but the laughter from watching him struggle causes him to freeze. III whines loudly, hand still attempting to push down his waistband, eyes meeting hers with more need than ever.

She sighs and gives in to helping the needy boy remove his clothes, starting with his shirt. She starts by slowly running her hands up his stomach, drawing out a shiver and a sigh from him, and then moves to completely pull it off. She continues the teasing till they’re both fully undressed laying against the cool bedsheets.

 “Can I have you now,” He mumbles out softly while going back to rutting against her cunt, “Been good, so good.”

At the breathy “yes” III grips himself and steadies the tip at the wet entrance of her cunt. “Don’t tease III..” She breathes out, thrusting her hips downwards, chasing the pleasure that is being teased. He grunts at her actions and pushes into her wetness. They both moan at the shared pleasure, hers soft and breathy while III’s more growly and deep.

The vessel had to pause, allowing his partner’s body to slowly stretch around him. The pleasurable burn drives her mad, her eyes rolling back, legs trembling from keeping them stretched. Cunt tightening up around the cock slowly forcing its way into its core. III closes his eyes, a soft whine being pulled from his throat at the feeling of his lover tightening around him. “Relax… You’re hugging me so tightly..” The bassist’s rough hands moved to her hips, rubbing small soothing circles to relax her. “Take a deep breath…” She nods, face tight before taking a deep breath and allowing her body to slowly relax. III leans his head down, resting his forehead against hers before slowly pushing in the rest of the way, bottoming out inside of her cunt. The gentle moan that leaves his mouth causing her to release another wave of wetness, welcoming him to move.

“Move love… I’m okay now,” she smiles up at him, rubbing her hands up and down his back in an encouraging motion. “Need to feel you filling me up okay?” He whines out a soft “mhm” before pulling his hips back, thrusting at a soft slow pace, allowing both of them to enjoy the pleasure of one another. The squelching of her cunt filling the room alongside the soft panting of the vessel above her. She reaches out, clawing at his back, pulling him closer to her. Her body needing to be filled by the thick throbbing cock inside of her. III yelps softly, hips pushing deeper then before causing a loud moan to be ripped out of his lover’s mouth. “Fuck! Yes deeper! III please give it to me!”  She moans out, eyes rolling back from the pleasure of the male going deeper inside of her. Through the mask, III bites his lip holding back the urge to push in his slowly growing knot. “Sugar, if  you keep clawing me I will knot you early…” She giggles through her moans, the sound being punched out of her through the thrust.

The woman under the vessel purposely clenches around the thrusting cock inside of her, the throbbing mess of pre slowly being pulled deeper inside of her. III curses under his breath and sits up on his knees, pulling her hips to meet his now harsh thrust.

“Fuck fuck fuck babe I need to breed pleeassee!” He whines out to his mate who was squirming from the new onslaught of thrust. The tip of his cock hitting the perfect spot inside of her, kissing at her vercix as though it was meant to be there. She nods, a fucked out smile on her lips, everything feeling full and fuzzy at the feeling of the knot attempting to breach her tight cunt. “Give it to me you- Ah!..” She attempts, a whiny voice that held little dominance despite the words. The vessel pushes his knot into the warm wet heat of her cunt, pouring his seed into her, filling her up just as she had asked. “Fuck Oh shit its so good~” He moans, cock jerking with every rope of cum that drenched her insides.  The feeling of being bred, the warmth of his cum, and the twitching sent her over the edge. Cunt clenching and unclenching, begging for the seed of the male to take.

“Ahh oh fuck I hope it takes, I wanna see you round with my babies…”

IV

Let's just put this out there, primal kink. He has a huge primal kink.

As soon as the words, “IV can you breed me,” leave her mouth, its over.

He’ll hold eye contact and tell her to run, gives her a headstart.

Of course once he catches her, he’s claiming his prize

Forcing her onto the ground and ripping off her bottoms, making her present her cunt to him

He’s feral for it, needs to stuff her full over and over again.

The air is pushed out of her, his hands between her shoulder blades forcing her into the ground underneath her. Her body trembles as her attempts to suck in the sweet taste of oxygen fail. IV hums pleased at the action of his lover, seeing her at his mercy, his for the taking. 

“IV… please!” She whines out, body yearning for the man above her. He chuckles softly to himself and grinds his hips into her behind, “You want to be bred… You wanna take my seed in the name of Sleep?” He doesn’t even let her finish her pathetic chants of “yes yes yesyesyes!” before ripping her bottoms apart just enough for her weeping slit to be exposed.

IV growls deep in his chest, the sight before him enticing him more than ever. Her trembling body, covered in a light layer of dirt, the pathetic look in her eyes, not forgetting the torn clothes showing what he is about to claim. 

He grabs a hand full of her ass, spreading it apart before moving down face to face with her dripping cunt. She tensed up confused by the actions of the male, entrance clinching and unclinching with readiness. 

A deep purr is heard from his chest, his nose inching closer and closer to the delicious smell of her cunt. “Gonna eat this to make you ready for my knot…” 

She moans softly at his words, allowing herself to be moved into the perfect position for the vessel to eat her from behind. His tongue quickly swipes up the thick drool of her arousal,  moaning at the taste of her readiness for him. His eyes roll back into his skull, the need for his lover’s taste growing stronger at the teasing taste. Said lover giggles softly, pushing her hips back, another tease to entice the male. She only stops when she feels his lips wrapping around her clit.

IV forms a tight sucking seal around her Clit, sucking and flicking his tongue, tasting the sweet flavor of his lover’s breedable cunt. She moans loudly, rubbing her face into the grass underneath her as a form of pleasurable escape. The male chuckles before moving his fingers into her cunt, slowly pushing one finger in. She whines, everything beginning to feel extra sensitive to the touch of the vessel. 

IV pulls back away from her clit, pushing his tongue inside beside his fingers, drinking her as though she is the greatest nectar to the world. “IV IV Fucckk…” She moans out, toes curling ha she reaches back to push the vessel closer to her wetness. He groans, pulling his fingers away to bury his face deeper into the wet drool of her arousal. 

A soft growl of frustration pulls from his throat, angry with the mask getting in the way of wanting to devour his lover. “Fucking hell, Just need to…” He cuts himself off, throwing the mask away and burying his tongue deeper into her cunt. She yelps out in surprise and moans loudly at the feeling of the wet muscle thrusting in and out of her cunt. 

Once he is thoroughly satisfied and believes she is wet enough to take his cock and knot, IV pulls away staring down at his lover in amusement and slight awe. He had wrecked her into a flushed mess of pants and moans. Her face, wet with tears and drool, yet he hadn’t even begun to fuck her yet, cock still aching and twitching in his pants for her. IV softly slaps her ass and pulls her further into a presenting breeding-style position, angling her back into a beautiful arch with her ass pressed heavily against his shaft. “Please… breed me IV. In the name of Sleep like you had said? Please…” She babbles out, almost missing the fact her lover had begun to pull his pants down to mid-thigh, exposing his reddish purple tip. Having edged himself the whole day prior to their hunt so he could give her a good load for the taking. 

He grunted in response, teasing his tip against her hole, wetting it with her slick. IV gently pushed the tip in before pulling it out, allowing her to whine for more of whatever he was willing to offer. Her pleas did not fall on deaf ears as he was beginning to leak pre all over her slick, needing to be inside her at the exact moment. The first push did little, having to stop once she clenched and a paid moan escaped her, “Too big…” She whined, attempting to force herself to relax into his touch. IV ran his fingers through her hair, down her bad, teasing goosebumps to raise on her skin, all while softly purring to his mate, “You’re doing amazing..” His gentleness and encouraging words allowed her to finally relax her cunt and allowed him to slowly push in the rest of the way. IV, while sometimes an animal, was not a beast and allowed her to adjust to the girth of his cock. The soft throbbing and veins of said cock indicating just how badly he wanted to mate and breed his lover. IV’s tip, just barely brushing her cervix, girth stretching her to the near painful levels, he slowly pulled back, thrusting back in with force. Enough force to knock the little bit of air out of her lungs, knocking a soft scream out of her chest. Their sounds and moans echoing throughout the forest, the birds have seemingly gone quiet and still to the sounds of hips to ass, wetness of his mate’s juicy cunt being pounded by his thick rob. “IV! Fuucckkk yes yes! Fuck me like an animal please…!” She pleads, nails digging into the dirt under her, ass bouncing back against his cock. He grabs her thigh and lifts it up, forcing her to balance on her front half and her left knee. His grip was bruising but allowed him to bury his cock much deeper into the sweet gripping warmth of her. “Fuck yeah take my cock, my breeding bunny, so good!” He growls, adding more force to the thrust of his hips, digging his cock into the sobbing woman. Her moans are turning into hiccups of sobs and his name, her throat going raw with the screams of pleasure caused by the cock inside of her. Her wetness spread across both of their thighs, his pants, and cock. The white cream of her cunt around the base of his cock drove him closer to the edge. He growled softly at the unexpected closeness, moving his free hand to her cunt, forcing her already sensitive clit to accept the rough treatment. She tights unexpectedly, screaming, “yes yes fucckkk thank you sir!” As her orgasm crashes over her at the simple touch. IV chuckles softly, dropping her leg to grab her hips and fucking into her with wild abandonment. The vessel began chasing his own orgasm, everything in his being wanting to breed and obsess over his lover’s semen-filled cunt.

The simple thought had IV pushing his knot deeper and deeper into her oversensitive cunt, forcing out a pathetic maon from the mostly fucked up and sleepy woman. He growls, deep within his chest very similar to the beginning of the hunt, stuffing her willing pussy with everything from the edging and the night. “Fucking take it bunny.” He laughs darkly, “You’re all mine now.” She smiles lazily and clenches around his knot… “I know big guy…”

[slxsherwriter]

Waking Up

Fandom: Repo! The Genetic Opera

Parings: Luigi Largo x Reader

Word Count: 1,414

Warnings: Scars, talk of surgery, mentions of addiction, cursing, talks of violence

Series: Genetic Repossession

Author's note: A straight continuation of Better Me Than You. Just a short little fic to detail a little fallout and Luigi getting to display a slightly softer side.

Beeping. A gentle, steady beep. It was the first thing that registered. A gentle tickle on the brain that brought you back to the conscious world. Slowly. Disoriented and feeling like you were swimming through a dense fog, it was a struggle to latch onto the feeling of waking and not get pulled right back under. That was until a not so gentle touch yanked at your head, causing a groan to slip from a chest that seemingly didn't want to expand right away.

“For fuck sakes!” A familiar harsh voice yelled out, breaking the peaceful quiet of the room. “Be fucking careful or I'll take those fucking hands and mount them like God damn trophies on the wall. How the fuck did you ever become a fucking nurse?” It took effort but finally, you forced your eyes open. The world was blurry for several long seconds as you tried to blink your vision clear. Low lights made the adjustment easier, no harsh fluorescent lights greeting. A thud sounded somewhere off to the side but there wasn't enough energy or care within you to turn your head. Right now, the focus needed to be on what the hell happened.

‘“I'll get the doctor…”

“You fucking do that,” the voice barked. Warmth encompassed your hand and finally, Luigi came into focus. There was a hesitant smile on his face. “Hey there, sweetheart.” Oh, shit. A soft pet name. Yeah, it had to be bad. Your throat and mouth felt incredibly dry, as if someone had filled it with cotton. A soft cough came when you opened your mouth to respond, though it hardly hurt the way that could have been expected.

“I…”

“Easy. Here.” The water was soothing and cold as it washed down. Definitely helpful. The room spun a little when you shifted your head again. Before Luigi could say anything else, a doctor came in. A soft greeting before the exam started, though right then as he babbled, words you should understand sounded foreign.

“We'll start weening back the medication, hopefully clear your head up a bit. I know things probably aren't making a lot of sense right now…” Well, that was hitting the nail on the head. Your vision started to blacken at the corners, slowly creeping and consuming your field of vision. “Get some more rest.”

Your head felt significantly more clear the next time your eyes opened. A little sore and sorry. The room was quiet. Not a typical hospital room. Grunting softly, it took a little effort to shift your weight and work to a seated position. The family home, your room with Luigi, that was where you were specifically. Part of you was surprised and part of you wasn't all things considered. Curiosity got the better of you before anything else. No one else was in the room, so you took the opportunity to carefully pull back the covers and pull up the shirt. A large wound ran across the left side of your abdomen, sutures keeping the skin shut. Where the knife had entered you and likely where another, that one by skilled hands, tried to do damage control. Across your chest was a marring wound that didn't require sutures as it hadn't pierced flesh deep enough to require such treatment. Alive. You were alive. Something you should be grateful for, even if it broke the streak of never having had surgery.

The door opened.

“Shit, you're awake.” The shirt dropped from your hand, as if you were guilty of doing something that you shouldn't be. Luigi quietly closed the door behind him and moved to the bedside. “Had to replace your liver, bastard really got a good jab into you…” You would never expect him to be all that great at comfort and it was apparent he was struggling at the moment. Giving him a reprieve, you offered a small smile.

“And I take it that he was relieved of his own?” That seemed to lessen his worry and the uneasy nature about him that was a little unnatural feeling. As if he had been unsure how you would handle everything. “I'm honestly a little surprised to be awake at all…”

“It was close,” he admitted. “Doctors weren't all that sure you were going to wake up.” He settled down on the edge of the bed, careful to not jostle you too much.

“I thought I was dead when my knees hit the ground.” Which was the truth. You had accepted that your dying act had been protecting the man beside you. A worthy trade in your eyes.

“Shit fucking security has been dealt with too. How the fuck he got in there and that close with a weapon is ridiculous.” The words grew in volume, Luigi seething as if the event was happening all over again. It was a valid point. No one should have ever gotten that close or been allowed in with a hidden blade. Everybody was supposed to be checked. Not only to keep the Largo's safe but for the general safety of the event. It looked bad when shit like what had happened actually happened.

“And the PR nightmare that is surely causing a shitstorm?” He rolled his eyes in response.

“Nothing that you have to worry about right fucking now. You aren't getting paraded in front of the press until you can actually stand up.” Judging by the fact that you were able to sit up with pain, you thought that it may be at least a week before you would be able to get yourself to your feet and put on a face that did not show just how much discomfort and pain that you were in. Being able to school your features was too important in order to maintain appearances, so you would have to take it careful.

“Right.”

“I mean it. I don't give a shit what my father says. You are staying in bed and healing until you get a clear from the other docs.” You held up a hand, hoping to placate the man before he ended up stabbing whoever came into the room next. A high possibility on a normal day but judging by the slight redness to his cheeks, he was particularly worked up.

“I'll keep my ass in bed until given the all clear.” Repeating back the near order had him pausing and returning his eyes to yours. It accomplished just what you had hoped as his shoulders dropped a bit, his body going just slightly more slack. Tension unwinding from a constantly tense man. There was something on the tip of his tongue as he went to start speaking and thought better of it after a second. Silence reigned for a moment, neither of you willing to say something right away, for different reasons. You wanted to know what it was that he had been ready to say, while he was restraining himself. Until finally, finally he broke.

“Did you need any more Zydrate?” Ah, now it made sense. As uncomfortable as you were starting to be, the dull throbbing becoming more insistent and increasing in intensity as you sat there, you weren't willing to mask it. For multiple reasons. One of which was clearly on his mind. Shaking your head, you decided to recline yourself slowly instead, hoping it relieved enough pressure on the wounds to calm them down mildly.

“No, I'm okay. Would be preferable to not have to take any more.” It was impossible to miss the small sigh that rushed out of him. One addict in the family was enough. “Rather be uncomfortable and have a clear head anyway. Hated that I couldn't understand what was being told to me when I woke the first time.”

“It gets bad enough you don't need to go being a martyr. Take the fucking medicine, okay?” You nodded your consent, even though you both knew that there was a likelihood that you would ignore it entirely. His hand engulfed yours again and you used what little strength that you had left to give him a tug. A silent request for him to just lay down beside you. He grumbled a bit, an attempt at putting on a show, before he did just that. Carefully, his body settled down onto the bed beside you and with just as much care, his arm wrapped around your waist. Warmth seeped into your skin. Settling enough that you began to drift off once more.

[cbk1000]

So, I have another crazy story about the clinic where I used to work; this time as a patient instead of an employee. Under a cut because it's very long.

So back when I first got really sick, I was in the hospital a few times primarily for really high heart rate. I work out a lot and my normal resting heart rate is in the 60s; back in February I suddenly started getting palpitations, and my heart rate was going up to like 140 bpm just standing at my bathroom sink washing my face. I wore a seven day monitor at one point and my highest recorded heart rate on that was 157 bpm--just shuffling like a zombie around the house. I was also super weak and just felt overall like death.

Hospital runs a bunch of labs and imaging tests and can't find anything that would explain it. The last doc I saw said there was a bright spot on my echocardiogram monitor that could just be flashback from the monitor, but taken with some of my symptoms, he felt OK with a presumptive diagnosis of pericarditis (inflammation of the sac around your heart), especially as the treatment is just high dose ibuprofen for a week, nothing invasive or drastic. I need to follow up with a cardiologist, but I don't have a primary care physician who can refer me to the heart clinic. I had just turned in new patient paperwork at a local clinic so I contacted them to see if I could get in, but they said it would likely be a month before I could be scheduled with anyone.

In the meantime, the ibuprofen isn't working and my condition is getting worse. I have my next period, and after a couple of heavy days, I get even weaker, my heart rate goes even higher, and I get really dizzy all the time. I also am now short of breath just rolling over in bed. I legit feel like I'm dying. Because my symptoms get worse after blood loss, it suddenly pops into my head that about 17 years ago after a blood donation I got really sick, and all my symptoms that I can remember having at the time are the same, especially the cardiac issues. I took iron back then and that resolved it. I started wondering if my iron was low, did a bunch of research into iron deficiency without anemia, and realized every single symptom, including ones I had been having for a while prior to the heart issues (terrible fatigue, brain fog, headaches, sleep disruptions, restless legs at night) could be from low iron.

So I need to get labs done, and also I do still need a referral to make sure my heart is ok. I can't get in with anyone, so out of desperation, I go back to my old clinic because I know they'll get me in quickly. They schedule me an appointment for the next day with a doc who is going to turn out to be batshit crazy.

I go to my appointment with my presumptive diagnosis of pericarditis, and the doctor asks if I had the Covid shot. I tell him yes, but my last booster was in 2021, so not relevant here.

Well boy howdy was I wrong. He launches into a whole-ass rant about how bad the shots are, how many people have been injured by them, tells me I, a formerly very healthy, athletic woman, now have heart issues due to the shot, etc. etc. I say, 'Ok, but would the shot really randomly cause me issues three years later when I was perfectly fine after I got it?' (The answer is no.) Doc stays the course in blaming the shot. I have paperwork I need filled out for medical leave from my job, and he PUTS ON MY PAPERWORK THAT I HAVE TO TURN IN that my cardiac issues came on and progressed after the shot (three YEARS after, you DUMBASS) and that his impression is post vaccine injury. I feel too badly to do much more than sway on the exam table and occasionally interject that I had the shot three years ago and I don't think that's the problem. The majority of my appointment is him ranting about the shots. Whatever, I'm desperate, give me my fucking referral to the cardiologist and order my iron panel.

I get labs done and sure enough, my iron is low. I start supplementing and shortly afterwards get a call from the cardiac clinic; I lucked out and got in just a few days after my referral was sent to them because someone canceled their appointment last minute. I see an ARNP at my first visit and she says the echo I had done at the hospital looks fine to her, but they'll do a seven day monitor, a repeat echocardiogram, and have me follow up with the cardiologist just to make sure they don't miss anything.

So they do this, and in the meantime, after a couple of weeks on iron supplements, I start slowly but steadily feeling a bit better. My fatigue and brain fog that I was having every day improve significantly after only a week on supplements. My dizziness goes away. I feel a tiny bit stronger every day and now can sit up longer and start holding conversations with people. It's slow but steady progress for about three weeks: and then I get my period again. It doesn't knock me back to square one, but I definitely take a couple of steps back in my recovery. It's a little lighter this time, though, which is a good sign.

I follow up with the cardiologist. He says actually my heart is in really good shape; no signs of pericarditis or anything wrong with it; my high heart rate isn't due to a cardiac issue. Cool. I didn't think so at this point, but good to hear I don't have heart issues.

So I go back to follow up with my doc and plan to ask to really focus on the iron issue since the cardiologist confirmed my heart is fine. I have come a long ways but am still mostly bedridden; it is very slow to get your levels up on iron supplementation, and every time I get my period, it sets me back a little. Maybe some low dose iron infusions would help boost my levels so my recovery doesn't go backwards on account of me bleeding for a week every few weeks.

Doc comes in the room. He is clearly Not Happy cardiology did not confirm his conspiracy theories about the shot injuring me. I tell him about the symptoms I have seen improve and even resolve after about six weeks on iron supplements, and how I think most if not all of my problems are from low iron. He pretty much completely ignores this. He asks me if my fatigue and brain fog have improved. I say, yes, they were some of the first symptoms to improve after I started taking iron. He does not even acknowledge I have spoken. He tells me he thinks I have a combination of chronic fatigue syndrome and POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) caused by the shot. I remind him I just told him my fatigue had improved a lot since starting iron. And my heart rate is coming down too and not spiking as much, my issue is that every period after I've been improving, I suddenly get a little worse again. He ignores this. He tells me he is going to refer me to the neurologist to check for chronic fatigue and POTS. Ok, whatever, I'm pretty sure I don't have those things, but fine, have another specialist tell you you're wrong.

After about eight weeks on supplements, I really feel like I'm starting to turn a corner. I don't feel normal, but my heart rate has come down quite a bit, I can stand and walk around a lot longer without feeling like I'm going to pass out, and I feel the closest to normal that I have been in months.

And then I get my period again and my heart rate goes back up. I'm super frustrated at this point because I was So Close to being a functioning human again, so I decide to push for a low dose iron infusion. I just want to boost my levels high enough to get me over this hump so every period doesn't set me back right as I feel like I'm coming back to life. I've read lots of papers on iron deficiency without anemia (meaning your hemoglobin is normal) and decide to make an appointment armed with one paper in particular which was written by a doctor who has been treating iron deficiency for decades, and which lays out really comprehensively the numbers at which patients should be considered deficient based on their labs and symptoms, what numbers you should shoot for when treating the iron deficiency (I am higher now but still quite a ways away from the goal), and also lists a bunch of symptoms women in particular have reported that have resolved with iron treatment. I highlight all the symptoms on the list that I have had, as well as other sections particularly relevant to my specific case. (Spoiler alert: I did not even give him the paper.)

So I go to my appointment and he asks if I've heard from the neurologist yet. I say no, I'm sure it will be a while (there's only one in town, and I'm sure it takes a long time to get in). In the meantime, I really want to focus on getting my iron levels up. I lay everything out: all the improvements I've seen, how my period keeps setting me back, and how I want to try just a low 100mg infusion to boost me up so I don't take two steps back every time I get my period. He tells me I have chronic fatigue and POTS as a result of the Evil Shot. I tell him, once again, that my fatigue has greatly improved on iron supplements. He does not even acknowledge I have spoken. He tells me a local doctor is being PERSECUTED and PROSECUTED for prescribing Ivermectin for Covid. Ok, that doesn't relate to my personal medical issues that we are here to discuss, and also, Ivermectin is not approved for the treatment of Covid. I ask him again if I can get a low dose infusion. I understand insurance probably won't cover it, that's fine, I can pay out of pocket, I just need him to order it. He tells me he personally takes Ivermectin. Good for you. Again, not related to my medical issues that I am here to dicuss.

I mention that I have had restless legs at night for a long time, because I know this at least is commonly associated with low iron, maybe that will get his attention; nope. He totally ignores me again. I even try blaming the shot for low iron (sorry, Covid vaccine, sometimes you have to take one for the team). I say I have read Covid and maybe even the shot can deplete your iron; maybe the shot did this to my iron. No dice. (Mr. Jenn did applaud me for trying when I told him about it, though.)

He starts in about my POTS again. I say, ok, but POTS is a postural issue, right? He says, yes! I say, ok, then if I have an issue where my nervous system doesn't regulate my blood flow properly when I change from sitting to standing, why is my resting heart rate way higher than normal when I'm just lying in bed doing nothing, and why has my heart rate been coming down and is not spiking like it was after several weeks on iron supplements until I get my period? I'm not sure that fits with POTS.

He again does not even acknowledge I've spoken.

I ask again for an infusion to help boost me up so I'm not set back every period. He says as long as I'm menstruating it will set me back. Yes, I am aware I will lose more iron on my period, what I am asking is that while I am in ACTIVE CLINICAL IRON DEFICIENCY can we please do something to speed up getting my levels high enough so every time I bleed it doesn't knock me down again. He asks if I have considered a hysterectomy or uterine ablation for the bleeding (you know, invasive surgeries, instead of talking about birth control pills, which he didn't even mention). I said that was kind of extreme and I didn't want to consider that right now. I ask him about the infusion again. He says it's not a concern. I say, yeah, it is, I am having debilitating symptoms that have left me bedridden for three months. I need to get back to my life and my job. He tells me Congress is investigating the shots and it will come out how bad they are, but a lot of people won't believe it. I say, well, that's Congress' business, can I please have an infusion. He tells me insurance won't cover it. I say I know, I already mentioned that earlier (while you were ignoring me in favor of ranting about a vaccine I had three years ago), I have a health savings account, I can pay out of pocket. He tells me he's pretty sure I have chronic fatigue and POTS but we'll see what the neurologist says. I need to call and see if I can get in more quickly with the neurologist. I say, ok, in the meantime, since realistically it could take months for me to get in with the neurologist, can I PLEASE HAVE A FUCKING INFUSION. He tells me if I want one I will have to badger another doctor into it. (I can't remember the exact word he used, but the way he worded it made it sound like I was trying to bully him. No, you jackass, I am asking for an extremely common, low risk medical treatment for issues that have left me unable to work or leave my house for anything other than doctor's appointments for THREE MONTHS.)

So I left incredibly frustrated, needless to say.

Next day Mr. Jenn goes to his appointment at the clinic I initially tried to get into to follow up on labs he had done for an annual physical, and his doctor tells him his cholesterol is slightly high, but not enough to be concerned, he just needs to watch his saturated fats and red meat intake. Mr. Jenn tells him we've actually temporarily increased our red meat intake because of my health issues. He then mentions all of the issues I've been having, my lab results, and how I've improved a lot on supplements, but keep getting set back by my period. His doctors goes, 'Have you guys looked into infusions for her? You should try that.'

I DID BUT MY DOCTOR IS CRAZY.

Mr. Jenn explains that I had asked for an infusion and my doctor refused. His doctor gives him a weird look and wants to know why. Mr. Jenn explains it's because he's super set on it being chronic fatigue and POTS and won't consider anything else even though my 'chronic fatigue' and 'POTS' symptoms have both improved on iron supplements. The doctor again gives him a weird look and asks why he's stuck on those diagnoses and won't consider iron deficiency.

Because he's crazy, good sir.

Mr. Jenn's doctor then suggests we see if I can self-refer for an infusion and just pay out of pocket, but you need a doctor's order even if you're not going through insurance, so the next day when the clinic opens, I call, explain I tried to establish care there earlier so they have my new patient paperwork, but that I needed an urgent referral, and had to go somewhere else because they were a month out, but I really (REALLY) want to change doctors, is <Mr. Jenn's doc> taking new patients? He is not, but they'll put in a note with one of the ARNPs accepting new patients to see if they're willing to schedule me.

However, I know the new manager of the clinic (actually an old coworker from the crazy clinic that I'm friendly with), so the other day I texted her, briefly explained the situation, and she asked which doctor I wanted to see and said she'll talk to him when he's back from the long holiday weekend and see if he would be willing to see me. She will let me know later this week (he's not back in till Wednesday). So fingers crossed I can get in with a non-lunatic soon.

[rattkachuk]

For the writer‘s prompts, Mattdrai and 54 please 💙

(Sensory prompts) 54. The moment when reality starts to make sense again.

The last day had been a haze to Matthew.

The hit itself had been a complete blur. It was a rough and heated game against the Lightning and they were all caught up in the fray, but then his head was down for a second…and that was all he really remembered. He couldn’t even watch the footage yet because screens were a no go until tomorrow at the least, so he only had his teammates recounting the whole event to go off of.

It was bad though, he knew that much. From the doctors telling him, but also from the incessant throbbing in his skull and the way nothing felt real quite yet, and especially in the pitied looks he got from everyone. He really hated that part.

Sasha and Carter had stayed with him the night before and taken turns waking him throughout the night, asked him questions and made sure he didn't, like, die. Of course they had lives and things they needed to do, so he insisted they left him (an hour or two ago, maybe, he couldn't be sure) but they told him that they’d send someone else back in their place. That’s why the distant sound of his front door opening doesn't bother him enough to even try getting out of bed.

A soft rap of knuckles on his bedroom door frame does get him to shift around in his bed, though.

“Holy shit,” he mutters as a violent wave of nausea washes through him and sends him scrambling towards the bathroom as fast as his body lets him, just in time to dry heave over the toilet.

“Not the typical reaction you want your boyfriend to have when surprising him,” Leon’s voice is gentle, no real malice, as he crouches down beside Matthew, rubbing a hand over his back soothingly.

“Shut up,” Matthew winces, “You get hit in that pretty head of yours and then fucking talk to me.”

“Sorry, Matthew,” Leon is smiling, Matthew can tell without even looking at him.

Matthew’s stomach is still reeling, but once he’s sure nothing is actually coming out of him, he accepts Leon’s hand to help him back to his feet. The bathroom lights are still off, but Matthew still has to squint to look at Leon, head spinning. The sudden rush had put him back on shaky ground. He braces himself against the other man, gripping his arm so tight he can feel his pulse thrumming through his own fingers.

“I need to lay down,” Matthew says, voice small.

Leon leads him back to bed, tends to him and makes sure he drinks some water before pulling the blankets over his cold body. He drapes himself around Matthew so gently, and Matthew curls into the touch desperately like Leon might disappear if he doesn’t. He's still not sure that this isn't some concussion spurred dream.

“How did you even manage to…you’ve got a game tonight,” Matthew breathes, his fingers absently smoothing the hair on Leon’s arm.

“Family emergency,” Leon says like it’s a no brainer.

Matthew’s head pounds and it pulsates all the way down his neck, “Oh.”

Leon kisses Matthew’s shoulder, “You should rest. I’ll wake you up in a little while.”

“Okay,” Matthew says, a small smile on the corner of his lips. Through the brain fog, things become a little clearer, and the world around him starts to feel real again.

[justmeinatree]

08 - Made Of Something New : Ireland

Summary : you meet niall in your hotel bar. and there’s an intense connection.

previous part /// jump to pt. 1

Word Count : 3.7k

Series Masterlist

A/N : time for a deep dive into niall’s thoughts and wtf has been bothering our favourite boy

GIF : @horansqueen

March 13 - Dublin, Ireland

it’s been 11 days since niall’s video call to you. he was currently sitting in a pub, somewhere not too far from mully’s new place in dublin. 

he needed to get away. he couldn’t stand it anymore. mexico was out of the question for now, as niall still technically needed to be in london. he really only took off for a couple days, needing to clear his head. 

mully always welcomed him, whenever he needed to go somewhere, needed someone to go to. but niall had been there for almost an entire day now, and he’s still barely spoken. 

and mully’s not stupid, knows niall better than most, knows there’s something really big that’s bothering him. knows that’s why niall hightailed it to dublin, in the first place. to be able to talk to someone. so why the fuck hasn’t he done it yet ?

at this point, mully only suggested this shite pub in hopes that putting enough beers in niall will make him talk. at least a bit. a hint. anything. fuck, the solemn silence was driving mully up the fucking wall. okay, maybe the beers were a bit to his benefit too.

“so how’s the ol’lady at home doing ?” mully hums out anything he could think of, anything to at least get a full sentence out of niall. what he didn’t expect was for niall to somehow deflate more.

niall sighs, shaking his head, his elbows rested on the bar top, thumbs digging into his eye sockets, “i was such a fuckin prick.”

finally, fuck, mully thinks to himself, taking a deep breath, trying to keep the air light. it’s always been his best quality in tough times, and part of the reason niall always ends up here. “what did you do this time ?”

“compared her to m’perfect girl,” niall murmurs, squeezing his eyes shut.

“a perfect girl ?” mully asks, not totally understanding. “thought things were perfect between you two. she’s your perfect girl no ?”

niall winces at that, visibly winces, definitely not going unnoticed to his friend. “not a perfect girl,” niall corrects him, “my perfect girl.”

“as in, there’s another one ?” mully asks incredulous, because what the fuck ? since when ? how even ? when even ? there’s so many questions, and yet, none of them seem right.

“niall ?” they both hear, turning their attention to niall’s side, opposite mully. the colour draining from niall’s face, eyes going wide, as he looks over you.

“petal ?” he whispers, completely stunned, and partly not believing it. you couldn’t be standing right there. his body has turned, facing your direction, hands falling limply on his lap. how many beers did he have ? you could not be here.

“i didn’t know you were in dublin,” you hum, looking over his face, taking him in. christ, how did he look worse than he did over the phone two weeks ago ?

“no one knew i was in dublin,” niall answers, the sunken look in his face not lifted at all, eyes still roaming you in question. not sure what to make of this moment. “what are you doing here ?” he asks, a little harsher than intended, but truthfully, genuinely confused. you were just in south korea, no ? as happy as he usually is to see you, he’s trying to figure things out. the fog you seem to create on his brain clouds his judgment too much to ever come close to navigating this situation in your presence.

you pay no attention to the snip in his tone, opting to believe that he’d never treat you this way if he didn’t look as fuckin bad as he did right now. “you wouldn’t believe how many times we were switched flights,” you groan, shaking your head. “somehow ended up in dublin. we decided to stay the night, start a fresh trek home tomorrow. i’m here with my coworkers,” you explain, nodding towards a table in the distance, a few people sitting around it. “what are the odds, hmm ?” you ask, making friendly conversation. “that we’d both be here.”

“m’starting to think the universe’s working real hard to have us in the same room,” niall bites his lip, making eye contact with you. he feels his heart explode, it’s too big for his chest. his fingers are trembling, skin prickling as he watches you watch him.

“are you okay ?” you ask softly, eyes raking over him. his eyes are red rimmed, tired looking, more like exhausted looking really. his skin tone was pale, he looked cold. closed off, distant. his breathing seemed laboured. as if it hurt his chest. 

“think- think it’s like you said, petal,” he murmurs, looking down at your hands, fingers reaching out to intertwine with yours, thumbs rubbing against your knuckles. “like a real addiction,” he added quietly, his hands squeezing yours tightly, eyes closed shut just as hard. then in an instant, his hands have left yours, his eyes flicking up to your face.

you can feel your heart rate pick up. your throat was closing in on itself, constricting even the tiniest bit of airflow. you thought you were going to suffocate. something about the look on his face, the way his hands just left yours. and then you hear it, “think i need to step away from this.”

you bite your lip, finding niall’s eyes full of unshed tears, yours mirroring his. the lump in your throat was so big, you weren’t sure how you managed to speak. you assume your body is just on autopilot at this point, your brain not really registering anything.

your heart was absolutely shattered. but what were you to do ? you knew this day would come. hoped it wouldn’t. slipped in the occasional prayer even. but rationally, you knew it would come. somehow, you never imagined it hurting quite as much as it did right now though.

but still, you found yourself nodding, murmuring out a small, “okay,” as you take a deep breath to calm yourself, looking over him one last time. your hand lands on niall’s shoulder, whispering quietly, “i’m gonna miss you.”

with one more quick glance at the table filled with your coworkers, before your eyes landed on the door, beelining for it, exiting the pub and jumping into a taxi, absolutely needing to be alone to process and mend your shattered heart.

niall turns back on his stool, facing the bar again, head hanging low against his hands, elbows landed heavily on the bar, squeezing his eyes shut, as he feels himself completely break. seeing the look on your face, niall quite literally felt the moment he smashed your heart. he knew this came unexpectedly to you, fuck, it was unexpected to him. and as much as he wanted to run after you and explain, he didn’t really have an explanation at the moment. he needed to process as well.

“gonna tell me what the fuck that was about ?” he vaguely hears mully asking, the ringing in his ears much too loud to properly make out what exactly he said.

niall lets a few tears slip, droplets falling onto the smooth wooden surface below, his friend catching a glimpse of the stray tear or two as they plummet their way down. 

“niall ?” he asks softer, his hand landing gently on niall’s shoulder blade, giving a reassuring squeeze. “c’mon mate, s’time you talked yeah ?”

niall clears his throat, blinking a few times before looking over at his friend, eyes filled with the remaining unshed tears, “might have just made the biggest mistake of my life.”

“m’gonna need more than these cryptic lines, mate,” mully groans, watching niall sniffle quietly. “c’mon, pay for these would ya ?” he hums, nodding to the beers, “lets get back to mine. gonna fuckin force it out of you if i have to.”

the walk back to mully’s is quiet, niall with his head bowed low, hands stuffed into his coat pockets, doing everything in his power to keep his composure until they get to the house.

and as soon as they step through the threshold, the composure snaps. niall shrugs off his coat, eyes blinking up to his friend’s, red rimmed and full of tears.

“christ mate, really fucked yourself up didn’t you ?” mully sighs, leading the way over to the living room, flopping down on one of the couches, niall following suit, curling in on himself at the other end.

“remember last year when you were travelling with me ?” niall takes a deep breath, finally, finally, letting it out. 10 months of holding everything in has finally, completely caught up with him. “we spent a night in vancouver, and i kind of disappeared that night.”

“yeah, yeah, okay. i vaguely remember that,” mully nods, eyebrows crunching. “fuck, this is starting all the way back then ?”

“yeah,” niall murmurs quietly. “this girl had paid for one of our rounds, that’s who we just saw at the pub. anyway, that night i went to thank her,” niall recounts.

“m’kay,” mully hums, eyebrows furrowing a bit more, trying to follow along. “gonna pretend i remember that for the sake of the story.”

“right, so i thought it would just be a quick thank you, maybe a photo or autograph or something. but fuck, mully, she had me questioning my whole relationship from the moment i fuckin looked at her,” niall sighs, shaking his head.

“what did she do ? suck your cock under the table ?” mully laughs, “seriously mate, i dont understand.”

“maybe if you shut your fuckin mouth and let me tell the story,” niall groans, no malicious intent. “i dont know what it was. i can’t fuckin explain it. v’never been so smitten before. we just talked. do you know how long it’s been since i met someone organically like that ? she knew who i was, but she didn’t fuckin care. just wanted to chat, have a laugh. and when she saw i was uncomfortable, she helped me. just like that, no questions asked.”

“so did the fact that someone was waiting for you back home just totally escape your mind ?” mully asks, not completely judging, just genuinely curious. “and why were you uncomfortable ? wouldn’t you have just come back to us ?”

niall shakes his head, “that’s the thing. it felt so fuckin surreal. this pull i had towards her,” he bites his lip, recounting the moment. “but no, i did tell her, told her i had a girlfriend. she didn’t care, she wasn’t after that. it all got real overwhelming. i was gonna go back to you lot, but i also really didn’t want to leave her. swear, it’s a fuckin magnetic pull or something. anyways, she found a spot for us to go. just get away. and i just went along. couldn’t explain it even if i tried. i just trust her. feel so fucking safe with her, mate.”

“do you not feel safe at home ?” mully asks, genuine concern etched on his features. he always assumed they’d be together forever. never did he think niall was unhappy.

“i thought i did,” niall sighs. “honestly, it’s so hard to explain, fuck. it’s like the minute i met her, i felt found,” he tries to explain. “like if everything i thought was perfect, wasn’t. she was more. her skin is softer. she smells better. she feels safer. she makes me more comfortable. she understands me better.”

“what happened that night ?” mully asks. “when you two went off somewhere private.”

niall looks up at his friend, shame plastered on his face. he hasn’t had to say this, admit this, not ever. not yet anyway. “swear we just went to talk,” he mumbles softly. “but we were in canada, and she had a joint, and i got even more comfortable with her, fuck. i couldn’t help myself,” he whispers.

“what happened niall ?” mully asks again, more conviction in his voice.

“i kissed her,” niall sighs, squeezing his eyes shut, the memory of that night coming back full force. how warm and tingly and fucking perfect he felt with his lips pressed to yours. the explosion of his heart the moment your mouths touched. his hands landing on your hips. your taste, the way you felt, the little whimpers you’d make. “i trusted her so much. seriously can’t explain how crazy it felt. so i asked her to take me to her room.”

“did you- ?” mully asks, the question self explanatory, weighing heavily between them.

“yeah,” niall admits, nodding, eyes casting downward. he couldn’t look at the expression on mully’s face. couldn’t take the judgment he was surely about to face.

mully sighs, his hand rubbing over his face. “how the fuck do you manage to get yourself in these messes?” he mumbles more to himself. “and how exactly did this random fuck turn into your supposed perfect girl that’s finding you in dublin ?”

“christ, she was never a random fuck,” niall shakes his head. “i was in so deep that first time, not even sure i realized it fully quite yet. we’ve done things i’d never even dreamed about before. v’never fuckin came as hard as i do with her. fuck, i even ended up spending the night.”

“right, that may have been too much information,” mully laughs. “happy for you, but not sure i needed that much,” he shakes his head. “spent the night huh ? fuck, you never do that. like never ever.”

“i know,” niall groans. “i just couldn’t leave. couldn’t leave her. not yet anyway. it’s just gotten harder to leave. she’s got such a fuckin hold on me. but it doesn’t even feel like it. just feels normal. the most natural thing ever.”

“gotten harder to leave ?” mully questions. “how many times have you seen her ?”

“yeah, uh, see, that’s the thing. we had agreed to just have one night, in vancouver. what happens in canada, stays in canada,” niall explains. “but then, when i played my show at the O2 last june, she was travelling for work in london, and her coworker got some tickets. when i saw her there, on the floor, everything went blank. my first fuckin time playing the O2 by myself, and all i remember is her. how bad i wanted to throw my guitar, jump off the stage and take off with her.”

“oh god,” mully groans. “you fuckin disappeared that night too. remember looking for ya at that party. were you getting laid ?”

niall’s shoulders slump, nodding lightly as he bites his lip raw, “m’the worst fuckin person on the planet. christ mully, not a single day has gone by that i haven’t felt horrid about what’s going on.”

“then why continue ?” he asks, really wanting to understand, because not a once has he considered cheating for that long without breaking something off.

“because she’s so fucking intoxicating. my own personal drug,” niall sighs, knowing that’s not good enough, but it’s all he has. “it only gets worse from here.”

“it gets fuckin worse ?” mully chuckles, “fuck niall, what has gotten into you ?”

“she has !” niall snaps, “are you fuckin listening ? she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he whispers. “had her out at my place in mexico, fuck i eve-“

“place in mexico ?” mully asks incredulously. “how many secrets do you have ?”

niall rolls his eyes, groaning, “yes, i have a place in mexico, no one knows about it but her. s’an escape kinda thing. place i can go where things are quiet. but, while we were there, i kind of let the towns people believe she was my girlfriend. fuck, it felt so good. felt so domestic. the most natural thing i’ve done in a long time. i dont think anything’s ever felt better to me than those days in mexico. but,” he adds, sighing, “was also the start of my fuckin downfall.”

“christ, i dont even know what to say to all that,” mully shakes his head. “just, go on.”

“that time was literal perfection. and, well, this is bad,” niall hums, closing his eyes. “this is around the time i started actively seeking her out. s’also around the time i started feeling more badly for her than-“ he cuts himself off, a large lump forming in his throat as his chest grows heavy. 

it’s one thing to push all these truths and these feelings aside, but now that he’s sitting here, really thinking it over, and actually fucking speaking it, he really is a prick.

“niall,” mully groans, niall quickly interrupting him, “please, just let me finish this part.”

“so, we met in italy during her birthday weekend, rented that beautiful house in naples. as fucking awful as i felt leading up to that weekend, everything i was involved with was really weighing heavy, she just made it all disappear. i was happy again, loving life again, because i was with her. her presence just makes everything good,” niall explains, his eyes filling with tears again. 

“but then i was stuck at home for months. holidays and break and such. and fuck, things were awful there. couldn’t stop thinking about my perfect petal,” niall whispers. “so when i saw she was in sweden, on fuckin valentines day no less, i flew out to her.”

“you spent valentines with her ?” mully asks, eyes bulging wide. “how’d you even pull that one off ?”

“fuckin lied my way to sweden,” niall mumbles ashamedly, taking a deep breath. “she made me feel so much better, mully. everything, fucking everything, instantly gone when i’m with her. nothing else matters, it’s just us, in this perfect little fucking bubble. i crave it, mate. i literally crave her.”

mully takes a deep breath, processing everything niall’s telling him, trying to wrap his brain around his best friend’s escapades for the last year.

“but when i got back from sweden,” niall shakes his head, a few of the tears in his eyes working their way down his cheeks. “that’s when everything really started getting bad. i was itching for her. literally fucking needed her so bad.”

“what did you do ?” mully asks, bracing himself for the worst at this point. not that he’s sure it can really get any worse.

“it had barely been a few weeks since sweden, i called her up, was ready to fly her out to london, get her a house, somewhere i could sneak off,” he explains solemnly, more silent tears leaving traces down his cheeks. “i couldn’t stand even looking at my ol’lady. couldn’t stand being in that house. couldn’t fucking stand my life anymore.”

“niall, mate, you’re kind of scaring me,” mully murmurs softly. “never seen you like this.”

“m’scaring myself,” niall whispers between slight hiccups leaving his parted lips. “i’ve never been so fucked in my life. dont think i’ve ever fucked up this bad. this morning, at home, we were having a fight. we always fight. and i fuckin compared her to my perfect girl. i broke her mully. fuck, i broke both of them on the same day.”

“so what are you thinking now ?” mully asks, genuine concern for his friend.

“i dont know,” niall sobs quietly, shaking his head, palms of his hands digging into his eyes. “i dont want to go back home, but i have to. i dont want to say goodbye to y/n, but fuck, i think i have to.”

and well that properly confuses mully, head snapping in niall’s direction, “what ? you meet this fuckin perfect person and you think you need to kick her out of your life ?”

“you dont understand,” niall sighs, “no one would understand. she’s an escape. she’s the thing i can runaway to. i can’t make her a real part of my life, defeats the purpose, doesn’t it ? i need to stop. need this addictive crap to stop. all this shite started when i met her. should have just let it go after that O2 show. shouldn’t have reached out. i would have forgotten ya know ? would have gone back to my good life.”

that got a good chuckle out of mully, shaking his head, “you’re fuckin daft aren’t you ? have you listened to yourself drone on for the last hour ?”

“great,” niall groans, “time to lay into me isnt it ?”

“s’why you come to me isn’t it ?” mully laughs. “christ, niall, seriously though. if i had anything close to the connection you’re talking about, i’d be running for the fucking hills. i’d roam the fucking planet looking for her if i had to.”

“probably dont even have to. we always end up bumping into each other at some point,” niall sighs, everything weighing so heavily on him. 

all the things he told himself he’d never say, he’s just said. he doesn’t feel better. he’s more confused, more mind fucked, more shaken, more angry, more devastated, more broken, more numb. 

“look, mate,” mully reaches over to pat his knee. “i dont condone what you did, yeah ? that was fucked up and you know it. but, if she’s your perfect girl, and if she makes you as safe and comfortable and happy as you describe, i dont understand why you think those qualities would go away if you dated her for real ?”

“because that’s just my life,” niall mumbles, closing his eyes. “something always happens. something always changes. something always goes wrong.”

“but that’s the point innit ?” mully hums. “they all go wrong, until you find the one person that makes it right.” 

Part 9

……

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

tags : @acesofspadess @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @kathb59

[slasher-male-wife]

I've been having some bad days lately, so I was wondering if you could maybe write something about Michael Myers s/o coming home upset so he just lets them cling to him as much as they want. Staying with them until they finally fall asleep on him

Of course I can do this. I've been busy with writing the Halloween event stuff so I'm glad to be back to writing stuff for y'all to read. I honestly don't know what's been really happening with me lately. I just feel really weird and I honestly might be going through a dissosiative episode. I'm getting help for this don't worry I just know how rough things can be. Michael might be a little ooc but I tired to write him from a little bit of a different perspective I guess. But I hope this makes you feel better.

Cling: Michael Myers x gn reader

Warnings: Bit of strong language

You're making the walk back home from a late night at work. Your shifts aren't terribly long, only seven hours. But the work is draining. It's getting you closer to your dream job but still having to deal with loud, rude customers who don't understand that you're only one person not some machine that can make everything perfectly. You don't have any friends to really hang out with either. No one to vent to at all. Everything has just been feeling so very off to you.

Your brain is fogged and your body is bone tired. You need rest and you know that. But it always seems like something has to be done before it grows into a bigger problem. Why does everything have to move so fucking fast. Why can't you enjoy things anymore? Everything is a mess on top of all the world events you need to keep on top of too. Finally you reach your house.

You open your front door and turn on the light. You shut the door and kick off your shoes, "I'm home Michael," You call out, walking into the living room. He's doing his normal thing just sitting and staring off into space, "Hey Mikey." You take a seat next to him on the couch and rest your head on his shoulder. You let out a sigh and shut your eyes. So much pressure has been building up in your life and it's getting to be unbearable.

You just want a break. One day off to finally relax. But you know just because it's Friday doesn't mean that there won't be anymore things to do tomorrow as well. You fight back tears but they're still forming in your eyes. You're tired. Mentally and physically. You need rest but you can't get that with Michael. The most he'll do is what he's doing now, letting you rest your head against his shoulder. Your arms feel to heavy to lift so you let the tears start to fall. You break into a quiet sob, barely moving. Even crying feels taxing to you.

Michael's arm shifts and you sit up, opening your eyes and wiping away the tears, "I'm sorry Michael. I should go upstairs now," Before you can get up Michael's arm is wrapped around you and he's pulling you closer to him. You hear him sigh a little, almost like he doesn't want to be doing this. But you know that nobody can force Michael to do anything he doesn't want to do. He's holding you now because some part of his brain is pushing away the violent thoughts and telling him to hold his god damn s/o. Small tears return as you lead into him more, "Thank you Michael. I'll get to bed in a few minutes I just need to rest a little first." You say slowly turning into mumbles.

Michael keeps his arm wrapped around you as you quickly fall asleep against him. He doesn't mind sitting like this for a few hours. Most of his time in Smiths Grove was spent staring at walls. He likes the warm feeling of your body against his. He's never really felt warmth before he met you. He somewhat enjoyed the hugs you gave him before. Some softer part of him somewhere in his mind. He rarely hugs back of course, but sometimes that soft part gets big enough to where he can weakly wrap his arms around you too. But he doesn't mind sitting here like he was before. Only now he has something better, something warm.

[imgae-insertshockedgasps-16]

"but wouldn't you rather think that every day be a good day?" "stop attention seeking" "just be positive!"

it is not realistic for me to have every day be a good day. it's just not. i will live the rest of my life with sporadic good days sandwiched between seemingly endless bad days.

and i'm not seeking attention (altho if i was, that would be okay. some humans need more attention than others, some humans need less. it's okay to seek your needs)

and i know that there are people who have it worse and i know that there are people who have bad days every day, i know

but having a good day, or a few, with minimal pain (never no pain, not anymore, i don't even remember what that's like), and decent mobility and low brain fog and an okay mood, followed by weeks or months of bad days?

it's heartbreaking.

sometimes, i'll get two weeks of that, just enough to think "maybe this time i'm getting better" (and then scold myself because you can never think that, it always jinxes it), and then everything crashes into me and i'm thrown back into the deep end

i've has screaming crying meltdowns because i had a thought abt how surprised i was that i'd been feeling good lately, and then was absolutely convinced that i'd feel like shit the next day bc i jinxed it and had to try to "make up for it" somehow by thinking negatively or smth

i've set plans and started projects and then woken up the next day barely able to move and had to cancel and those projects are still unfinished on the floor

and the doctors will never, ever believe me bc i'm young and afab and all the tests come back negative and "aren't you happy? we've crossed some things off." "aren't you glad you don't have these terrible things?"

NO. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME I WANT TO GET MEDS THAT HELP I WANT TO HAVE A SOLID COMMUNITY AND JOIN SUPPORT GROUPS AND GET A DIAGNOSIS AND HAVE DOCTORS BELIEVE ME

I WANT TO WAVE THE PIECE OF PAPER THAT DECLARES ME LEGALLY DISABLED AROUND IN THE FACE OF EVERY PERSON WHO EVER DOUBTED ME AND GO "SEE?!?!?"

bc i don't need their validation and i don't need their acceptance and i don't technically need accommodations, none of that is necessary to my survival, but fucking shit it would be good to have, even if only a tiny little bit, even if only abt just one thing or one aspect

and maybe i should be glad that i'm not worse off, maybe i should be glad that i can do some things independently and i don't have higher support needs

but not high doesn't mean low, doesn't mean none

i am angry and sad and tired and frustrated and anxious and upset and stressed and so many negative emotions so often bc of my disabilities that no one believes i have

i am in pain and suffering and between being young, afab, and poor i can do almost nothing abt it

and then slap a handful of disabilities on top and you have a pile of mush screaming and wishing that it could just pop out of existence like it never was in the first place

[italianexotiicbeauty]

[ read more because THE FUCKING AUDACITY OF THIS BULLSHIT. ]

So, let's talk about AGGRAVATION. 🤬🤬🤬🤬

Mom decided to wait until this morning as my sister is getting ready for work to BRING UP that Mark told her on the phone that THEY'VE DECIDED TO GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION..The reason they're asking for the title to the car is so they can trade it in, which is legitimate. Sadly with a broken transmission they won't get very much but fine, it also will take twenty days to get a replacement for it because mom has no idea where the original is.

Here comes the SHADIEST SHIT EVER.

“We've decided to go in a different direction and in order to get the car, you need to get your cellphone back.” You mean the one she willingly handed over when she got caught being scammed out of $300 because she was lonely and needed someone to talk to who was MOST DEFINITELY posing as an actor that would not EVER ask for money? Something we told her she couldn't tell ANYONE about because of how they'd respond? Why on earth does anyone THINK this is a “bargaining chip”, why? And Mark, John does NOT “pay all the bills” — he just signs/fills out the rent checks that YOUR FATHER WILLINGLY DECIDED TO PAY. We use the SSI she gets ONCE A MONTH to pay the bills. Do you actually know that? No, ya fuggin’ don't. There's a LOT of shizz they DON'T KNOW because past experience says TELLING THEM WOULD BE A BAD IDEA. ( and why bring up the fact that she has blocked lisa and then say “I don't want to get in the middle of it”? )

Kelly was absolutely right to not trust Mark. He asked for insurance info and mom's license photos, didn't say a damn word at all about what he told mom over the phone. Again, the trade in part is legitimate because it shaves off money from the buying price but the rest of it? Nope, I'm sorry — in what universe is that ever okay? Because now she has to go without seeing any of them, like ever — and I have to HOPE that this CTRides thing pulls through or she might need to consider trying to get part time work down the street at DG or Dunkin. ( because her staying home with barely enough to keep her mind occupied isn't good, the combination of adhd with depression & anxiety is bad news bears — if you know, you know. ) And yes, if I had work experience or a college degree or references — I'd apply  for work but if you don't know this? Mom gets stress brain fog ( or from her cluster headaches not going away immediately ) — so I have to stay home and look after her. 

Mom also talked about contacting her employer and asking them to find her cases in town, because this cannot go on. Not like this it cannot, and I am ALREADY actively concerned about what the outcome of November will be like. Because of what *that one* wants to eliminate what my family relies on — that so many rely on. 

I know this post is ALL over the place, but I am so ANGRY right now. Mom even just said that she's not even sure Mark would believe her that it'd take 20 days to get a replacement car title ( 20 days and $25 dollars, and even getting an appointment might not guarantee her walking out with it — don't actually know but it's a thought. ) like if that's what the legitimate DMV SITE even told Kelly, the fugg? 

… … … … … for reference, we did find mom a phone she could afford to have. A flip phone, yes they still make those and we'd pick a plan with no internet access / data use for her safety. But WHY does that need to be a "bargaining chip", and who the H E L L thinks this kind of tactics is okay?!

Due to my overall anger at this situation that was going a LITTLE TOO GOOD … phone's on DND mode. I … this post fully expresses everything I'm feeling and what we've learned, thank you for just listening.

Sincerely hope no one else has "family" who treats them ( my mother is the eldest sibling, and while she has health issues - that doesn't give anyone the right to treat her this way or even think it would be okay ) like this.

[sio-writes]

Hello little people in my phone, today is my birthday! 🥳 I've been working on this vampire/immortal oneshot that's gotten far too long for its own good (but it won't leave my brain alone) and I want to share an excerpt with you all to celebrate c:

The world tilts as Elliot tries to blink away the spotlights in his eyes. Noises are muffled and far away as he puts one foot in front of the other, drifting through the crowd.

A hand on his elbow, pulling him away. It's warm, familiar.

"--bad idea?" he hears Mathias say through the fog.

The noise is still there, but it's muted, and Elliot realizes that Mathias has put his hands over Elliot's ears.

His head is pounding, his vision swimming. But Mathias has him. "El, are you with me?"

Elliot blinks several times in quick succession again. Mathias is standing in front of him, concern marring his expression. He's still in one piece, and when he swallows, he feels that his teeth have elongated.

"I'm okay," Elliot breathes out, relaxing where he hadn't realized he'd tensed up. "I'm alright."

Mathias holds his stare. "Do you want to go back to the room?"

"No," he says, smiling and removing Mathias' hands from his ears. The noise returns full force, making Elliot wince, but it's easier to adjust to when he's not being jostled on all sides.

"You're good?" Mathias asks again, patting him down and checking for injuries.

Elliot bats his hands away, "I'm fine, I'm fine, I just need a second," but Mathias grabs onto his hands and lets them rest between them.

They stand there, not saying anything for a while. Warmth creeps from Elliot's hands where Mathias holds them, and slowly, the world falls back into place.

"Do you need to sit down?"

"I think so."

Nodding, Mathias leads him back through the crowd, waiting for a gap in the flow of people before cutting across and making a beeline for an open bench. Their hands stay linked as they sit down, but navigating the crowd reintroduces Elliot to the sensory barrage of before. It leaves him shaking again, and Mathias tightens his hold.

"Talk to me about something," Elliot says as they sit. "Anything."

Mathias blows air through his lips as he thinks. "Okay. I've been meaning to ask: what spurred your decision on?"

Elliot grinds his teeth together before he answers. "I, uh, I've been thinking about it a lot," he mumbles, staring at the ground. Another couple brushes past them and Elliot picks up a piece of their conversation, something about towels on the ride home. It's enough of a distraction to shutter his lips closed on any specific thoughts he would have voiced.

In truth, it's a point of shame, a thorn in his side that they haven't gone further. They've been together longer than most people have been alive, for fuck's sake, but Elliot's been too chickenshit to do anything about it.

It took thirty years for him to work up the courage to tell Mathias how he felt, and another thirty to kiss him underneath a walkway in Amsterdam. Nearly ten more to present himself nude in any sort of sexual context, and he'd quickly covered his shame with blankets, and on one lovely night, with Mathias himself, even if nothing else had happened.

"Really?" Mathias asks, eyebrows raised.

Elliot nods, and if he had fed last night, he'd be flushing. Thank God for small miracles.

Mathias' lips tilt into a smirk, sharp and dangerous. His eyes flash in the light of a blinking sign and it sends a thrill down Elliot's spine. "What've you been thinking about?"

Another family zooms by too close, and Elliot doesn't think this is the best place to be talking about sexual fantasies, no matter how hushed their tone.

[zillanovikov]

Cooking with the Big Sad

Most advice for dealing with depression makes depressed people feel worse.

Fish oil supplements, running, and meditation help some people. Maybe they even help you. But for the rest of us, they deliver a simple message. Your depression is your own damn fault because of your bad lifestyle. If you ate better, exercised more, and changed your negative attitude, you wouldn't have this problem. 

If you, like we did, look online for depression-friendly recipes, you will find almond-crusted barramundi and walnut-crusted maple salmon, promising Omega-3s to fight brain fog and B vitamins to boost mood. If you happen to be an inland-dwelling vegan, such personal lifestyle tweaks are inaccessible to the point of satire. This is a feature, not a bug. The thing these recipes have in common is that the cost of ingredients, difficulty of preparation, and incompatibility with numerous dietary restrictions mean they are inaccessible to most mentally ill people. If only you would do this, they promise, and then it becomes your fault because you do not, and so you must not really want to be well.

If capitalism is driving your employer to exploit you and the rich to destroy the planet, the solution is not to do Pilates about it. No amount of chia seeds are going to fix how you feel. You need some empathy and some survival strategies. Surviving means you have to eat, even if you don't want to, even if there's no food in the world worth the effort of lifting a spoon to your mouth. 

Many of us also have stigmas and taboos when it comes to food. Maybe someone has told you to avoid “bad” foods, or questioned if you really needed a second cookie. Maybe for you, the concept of eating is complicated by feelings of guilt or shame. But judgment doesn’t help. It’s better to eat than not, and we are not the sum of our worst days.

My depression is not my fault. My brain chemistry is fucked and I need medication to function. I tried lifestyle changes for years, delaying as long as I could before I acknowledged what felt like a moral failing. Before I accepted my inability to will myself cured. Diet advice gave me one more thing to try before taking that step. But crushed flax seeds weren't what I needed. What I needed was a hug, and guidance to get through day by day until I was ready to admit my truth.

Depression cooking for me is low-effort, cheap, easy foods, with minimal ingredients that I probably already have in the house. It’s carb- and spice-heavy. It’s eating popcorn out of a bag or boiling instant noodles. It’s food that’s tasty enough to be appealing even when the thought of eating seems exhausting.

Of course, this isn’t the same for everyone! Some people have to avoid carbs or gluten, others find high levels of spice challenging at the best of times. Contrary to the advice you’ll find online and in diet books, there's no silver bullet for our problems, individually or societally. But we can do our best to make things better for each other as a community. 

Collective change starts at a local level, and for us, dealing with the social problem of depression begins with acts of mutual aid. Whether it’s reminding folks that they’re not alone or sharing the coping strategies that have worked for us and our friends, we’re here with each other as we battle not just the Big Sad, but the environmental, political, and economic context that enables it at its worst.

--------------------------------

I wrote a rant (see above) but I also—with my community—wrote a cookbook to share our coping strategies. The Sad Bastard Cookbook is funny, realistic, and kind. Also the e-book is free. We gotcha.

[agrrlcalledface]

I am having a very bad long COVID month. I am lucky in that my long COVID is mostly brain fog, executive dysfunction, and fatigue, but my fog was so bad one day last week that I nearly couldn't communicate. I couldn't do my job which involves a moderately high cognitive load and communication. I had to take some vacation time to rest, but rest needed to be "not thinking" which is difficult when you're anxious abt contracting COVID again and worsening your condition.

I'm the "breadwinner" in my family. We pay our bills with my income. If I can't work, we can't make rent. I'm terrified I'm going to get sicker and we will struggle to survive. There are no adequate safety nets for people in the US. We'd be fucked.

Most of the time, I function well enough to get through the day. Today, I had a good four hours in me brain-wise and now I'm physically exhausted by it. I'm struggling to say what I mean here, but I'm so frustrated and angry and tired and need a little vent. Need people to know that the pandemic is serious still. It's scary. Treat it with a little more gravity. Protect yourself. Protect others. Do the bare minimum. For your sake but also, selfishly, for mine.

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

Seeing some other users pop up who also have pots, and reading their past and current struggles has inspired me to write a little about my experience. (From what I remember anyway.)

Just in case, tw/cw pregnancy loss is mentioned.

My symptoms started right smack at 13. I had always been slightly heat sensitive but not enough to really think about it. Then I turned 13 and it was like I was burning constantly. But also, even when I was hot, my extremities would still sometimes be ice cold.

I fainted in the shower, daily. I almost always felt it coming beforehand. The sudden dizziness and weakness. It was my normal routine to feel that, lie down, black out, wake up, then resume my shower. (Usually 5-15 minute black outs)

I knew something was wrong, but I was a young teen. My thoughts were "too scared to address it" and "I'm just being a baby" and "What doctor is gonna believe a teenager these days". So I suffered through it.

It was horrible. My teen years were riddled with unnoticed tachycardic episodes brushed off as "you're out of shape" and "just push past it". Meanwhile i felt like i was dying.

I know teenagers biologically need more rest, but i was chronically fatigued and of course, "lazy teenager" label got thrown at me constantly. I tried to stay active, productive, but it got harder and harder. (Not knowing I also struggled bcuz of audhd but that subject is touched on in a previous post.)

When I really branched out into life and into the workplace at 18/19, it hit me that this wasn't going away. This wasn't a weird teenage thing i was experiencing.

I could work, but was significantly more exhausted than my coworkers and the only one ever to stop a lot, Cool down, rest. Drove managers nuts because "you're too young to be this way" was said to me constantly.

Through a few job changes in my early twenties it got harder and harder to work. Exhaustion. Overheating. Tachycardia. I fainted at work idk how many times during a really bad streak.

On top of pots brain fog, I'm audhd (which i didnt know until mid-late twenties) so my brain just doesn't brain for me and all I had going for me were labor jobs. That's all i had. That's all i knew i could do.... and i was slowly becoming unable to do that.

I didnt push to see a cardiologist until i got pregnant with my first child. I was terrified. That pregnancy exacerbated my pots and i thought that pregnancy was going to kill me. If it didnt, then giving birth would. My resting hr was regularly in the 140s/150s and i was fainting/near fainting all the time.

But i saw a dick of a cardiologist who nearly immediately dismissed me as a hysterical pregnant woman who just had anxiety. Even in our first consult appointment he was already very not hiding the fact that he wasn't taking my concerns seriously. Even after I told him these symptoms weren't just popping up during pregnancy. That it'd been most of my life. (In one ear out the other let me tell you)

I suffered horribly through that pregnancy not knowing i also had pots so my heartrate and blood pressure were bonkers whenever i went to appointments, not knowing that i only had high bp bcuz they'd check it after I'd sat down in the lobby, stood up, then immediately sat down in a room. Which as y'all know fucks hr/bp and all that without being pregnant. But we didn't know. And the only dr I'd seen, dismissed me.

I thankfully got through the pregnancy and all was well. My symptoms went back to pre-pregnancy intensity. Life, a loss in between, and another full pregnancy happened. This time my pots didn't overly act up. I only struggled bcuz that baby was a biggg one.

After recovering from my 2nd birth i thought for months about everything. My health. My life with my kids. How i was sick of not having answers. Sick of how that first dr treated me. So i told my primary all of this and she sent me to the same heart institute, but a different dr.

NOW THIS DR LET ME TELL YOU.

From the GETGO the vibe was different. He listened. Talked with/to me not AT me. Actually listened with the intention of listening and absorbing the information, not listening with the intent to say whatever he was already wanting to say and just waiting until i stopped talking (like the previous dr)

He took me seriously. After info dumping my 16 years of suffering he was already ready to get testing done and scheduled and i nearly cried when he left the room because HE LISTENED HE TOOK ME SERIOUSLY.

I had my testing done (tilt and breathing) and he saw me for the followup but they hadnt gotten the results back so he pushed the dept for the results and one hour after that appointment, he called me and said basically "yea you failed the test almost immediately and your results were consistent through the whole thing so I'm proceeding with the diagnosis of pots"

He explained the basic no cure but you can try xyz to help and you need to listen to your body when it's having symptoms dont ignore it to your detriment. All that.

I hung up. And cried all evening/night. Happy tears. Tears of relief. I got my answer. I was listened to. I actually got through it. But also tears of grief. For the girl who suffered. For the young woman who thought she was gonna die during pregnancy/birth.

I'd had (and still slip into sometimes) a harsh mindset of self hate for years. Why am i so lazy. Why am i so weak. Pathetic. Etc. It just spiralled all the time and pots + audhd is a shitty mix and to be approaching 30, with answers I've wanted and needed for half of my life.... I just... uff da! It's a lot.

I was diagnosed February of this year. So it's still kind of fresh for me. I'm still trying to find what works for me officially to navigate it. But I definitely am trying to give myself grace for all the years I thought everything was my fault. Or that I just wasnt trying hard enough.

I'm sure I've missed some things but my memory of my life is really patchy from audhd and trauma. But I think this covers the bulk of it and feels good to info dump about life when, for most of it, I bottled everything.