#// just.. all the ugly parts of childhood trauma and recovery.

[shsl-baby]

// ive been having such oc brainrot lately,,, if u couldnt tell. anyways,

// yukiko/yuu having chronic pain in their hips/back from being dragged around like a rag doll most of their life (also bc of shitty genetics but the whole rag doll thing def sped up the decline) but they dont bring it up bc they think it's normal and everyone lives like that.

// yuu eventually needing leg braces and/or crutches because the pain is debilitating enough that they can't walk without them most days.

// yukiko having to be homeschooled (poorly) because every school in the area can't handle their meltdowns. (i've hinted at this in threads i think but yeah yukiko/yuu can't read. not well, anyways. they can sound words out but they are nowhere near the level they should be at their age)

// yukiko's gender problems stemming from an early age bc they want to emulate junko in every possible way, including in girlhood, but being called a girl feels so viscerally uncomfortable in ways they can't put words to.

// yuu having meltdowns seemingly out of nowhere, the kind where they can't be consoled and anyone who talks to them either gets chewed out or straight up smacked, because they woke up missing junko a little more than usual that day.

// yukiko/yuu being violent when upset/angry, then feeling guilty the moment they're calm but having no idea how to reconcile.

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

Let's talk about the insane idea promoted by the hero society that self-sacrificing and sadness is better than hurting others and feeling rage. Or in other words, how dying for other and repressing your feelings even if they destroy you is better than becoming violent and letting your rage affect the course of the daily basis.

For the hero society, submissive individuals were better. Depressed as in being unable to act was better. Passive behavior was better. It's easier to feel pity and hold some mourning for the victims before moving on as if nothing happened.

Take Deku. If he had died by suicide only a few would care. He was an unimportant quirkless kid with no real potential to be a hero. Or if he had died saving Bakugo he would have become a martyr, a quirkless kid who got to be a hero for a day before tragically dying. The end.

That is why Aizawa is mad with All Might when he sees Deku. He could have died in the UA entrance test, it was impressive but what about Deku's life. That's also what Recovery Girl told All Might in the UA Sport Festival. That's what Deku needed to learn when he started using kicks instead of punches. Self-sacrificing shouldn't be idolized by the hero society. Ultimately, it is murder in the hands of the authorities who enforce such idea.

Take the League of Villains.

Ugly victims don't get help.

⠀

Ask Tenko. Walking alone on a busy street, with blood on his hands and eyes totally lost. No one helped him. He was not a cute kid crying like Eri, he was monstrous like. His accident was not one caused by a victim. It was the abuse of his father and tje unfortunate awakening of his quirk that ended with him murdering his entire family.

If he had stayed sitting silently, unable to weep or talk or cry, he would have died and no one would have known. Society would be happy because there's no Shigaraki Tomura, right?

Touya died on a forest fire and life moved on. His dad became even more abusive and reached the number one spot on the hero charts. Like the past never happened.

Toga's neglected childhood pushed her to the point she exploded and drank the blood of someone, but because she was already a monster like looking child, she wad regarded as a danger and his parents erased her presence from their house. If she had died on the streets or gotten captured, people would just think "good, one less psycho, we can keep going with our days".

Visually, it's easier to sympathize with a crying victim full of sadness and wounds. Some animal instinct of who knows. I don't. BUT it's way harder to sympathize with someone who shows their hurt by being very disruptive, loud, angry, violent. Especially if they can't cry, singe people equals crying to regret or pain. If someone is unable to cry, there must be something wrong with them.

⠀

The League of Villains goal in the narrative at the beginning of bnha is less Stain-like (there are a few bad apples in the basket we need to purge and everything will be good again) and more of Shigaraki's own ideology: society is rotten to the bone, even the greatest of heroes is corrupted and the cycle of violence is being used by the hero society as an excuse to control the public.

Funny. It was not a lie. With Lady Nagant's story and even with Hawk's we were witnesses of how the hero society was indeed rotten. And we saw a few paragraphs above why All Might was part of the corruption, if with good intentions, but still an important part of it.

There are two main responses to trauma in bnha. The hero society prefers the one that doesn't make them look bad.

⠀

So, what's the kick?

What happened with the League of Villains would have happened eventually with any other group of individuals. It was a natural reaction to a failed system, one AFO took advantage of in order to further his plans.

There was the Meta Liberation Army, where many or his members were pro-heroes btw. There was the situation with Overhaul and the whole issue with the quirk repressing drug. You had Aoyama, the hospital full of kids Touya woke up to, etc.

In order for a change to happen, a reactive factor was needed. Individuals who were not afraid to threat the commodities of the population, their peace of mind, people willing to ne disturbing and people able to shake the hero society foundations. It's not coincidence that those individuals were the same victims who, after being passive for so long, decided peace was not an option.

Am I justifying the actions of the League and blaming everything on the heroes ? No, I'm not.

Killing is killing. Murder is murder. We're not going machiavelli on here and saying they had no other choice (both heroes and villains).

What I'm saying is that both sides were equally right and wrong. Many heroes and villains got used by bigger players in the game. Ultimately the fight started being between the institutions of power around the world and AFO. In Japan, it was the Hero Commission.

Like in any other war, many heroes and villains killed each other thinking it was the right thing to do in order to help society reach higher ground, get better, heal, be safe, whatever. Brainwashed for sure, loyal to a cause that's not loyal to them.

⠀

The kick is in balance.

You can't take the blame of other actions and punish yourself for it. You can't make others responsible of your own actions either. You shouldn't be putting your life above others and you shouldn't be putting their lives below you.

Learning to separate the responsibilities, to notice the shades in which anger and sadness mix, to be able to say "we all matter equally" and know it means a victim can be an abuser too and deserves help as much as they should be hold accountable for. These are the struggles of bnha.

Good communication to avoid mindless violence.

There's where Deku and Tomura meet, in the middle of those lines. There's where Shoto and Dabi meet, where Toga and Ochako meet.

The Messiahs vs The Judas, assigned a role to play by society, either die or be killed tragically. The moment they can shed of those roles and see each other as human beings, that's the moment things will start changing for good.

[doublejango]

Blitz is extremely wary of alcoholics and drug addicts. The depth of trauma his dad caused him isn't something he can just get over with the snap of his fingers, but it did teach him to worry about those people, and to recognize problems when he sees them.

---[content about addiction and recovery under the cut]---

Blitz cares. He knows full-well that day drinking can be fine and many people can do it in moderation, but that for some, it absolutely isn't fine and isn't something they can control or moderate. For some people, the problem is insurmountable, and they need to get help. And yes, he's afraid of becoming addicted himself. He knows he could, all too easily. But his experience with an alcoholic father is a big part of why he was worried when he pointed out the way Stolas was drinking. He's doesn't want to lose him to alcohol.

Blitz had to fight to help get his sister to go to rehab for drug use, and did the same with Verosika, trying so damn hard to get her to ease up on the drinking, to get her to see that she needed help (and probably still does, at least in the show canon).

He regrets that he screwed Verosika over. I headcanon that he tried to get her to go to rehab and she wasn't interested, so he accepted that and tried to keep going with their relationship as long as he could... until he couldn't. Until she said she loved him, and he broke her heart and ended things in the absolute worst way he possibly could.

He couldn't let himself fall in love with an alcoholic. He wouldn't have survived it and he knows that--and Blitz wants to live.

With his sister, he paid for her rehab as long as he could, as much as he could and worked his ass off to make sure he had enough money to keep that going, to never have to ignore a bill from her facility. She hated him and didn't want anything from him, clearly, but he was her brother: taking care of her, as much as he could, felt like the least he could do, even if she hates him for it. She's alive. She's alive, and so it was worth it. It was all worth it.

Even if she blames him, he still cares. He still feels responsible for helping her. For making sure she is never abandoned.

Because that is one of the ways that addiction hurts the people in the addict's life: they feel responsible. They want to help and they can't. They love them deeply, but can't save them. And speaking as someone who has had painfully close experience with helping people get into rehab... the addict often never forgives them for it for a long, long time. Having an intervention is beautiful in theory, but often damages the relationship for years, until the person in recovery reaches a stage where they are ready to work on that. Where they understand that it wasn't them someone was rejecting, it was the drugs, the alcohol. The lies. The pain. The self-destruction.

Blitz knows this. So no matter how much Barbie Wire hates him now, he knows he can't really talk to her about their childhood yet. He can't have that relationship with her yet. He effectively does not have a sister, and never will, not until she chooses that role again. But, because he knows and understands, he will always be open to her coming back. He'll be happy about it when it happens--if if happens. He may not be able to verbalize his understanding, or be great about talking about his feelings in general, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

Recovering addicts can sometimes be the most wonderful and inspirational people, but they can also be the most vindictive and cruel during recovery, especially if recovery wasn't their choice and they felt forced or shamed. It's a hard, ugly truth... and Blitz will still hold onto his love for them. He doesn't just stop loving someone, doesn't just stop caring, even if he seems like he does.

So, yes. He was worried about Stolas's drinking. And yes, he's worried about Verosika's. He can't be in a relationship with an alcoholic--for both their sakes. He knows he isn't a stable enough person, and at the same time, he can't bring himself to enable someone's addiction. Not if he loves them. Not if he has ever cared about them. It doesn't mean he doesn't understand the misery that can push someone to need to rely on substance abuse. It doesn't mean he doesn't get it. It means he wants better for them. He wants them to survive. He knows people hate when others have boundaries, addicts especially, and it can be fucking heartbreaking to enforce them... but he will, when it comes to substance abuse. It will break his heart, but he'll do it...

And he will never stop hoping for the people he loves to heal. To recover. To get better. Even if he is a shitty, broken person, he will hold onto hope for them, and try to help them get what help they'll accept.

[extasiswings]

I’m so on the fence about being a Coma!Buck Truther. I agreed with a lot of the things you mentioned around doubts that that’s where the writers are going (particularly the fact that it doesn’t seem to be 911 OG’s style to do a full on coma dream). But the one thread of bts/spoilers that sort of pulls me to the coma!buck side is the ep title “in another life” paired with the BTS (pics/vids?) we saw of Oliver in that very Not Buck outfit. That’s the thing that —to me— is giving the most credence to the Coma!Buck theory, bc I can’t figure another way around that piece that doesn’t indicate someone is dreaming about a “what if” life.

Here, I’ll give you an explanation that makes it work without coma!Buck really easily:

That outfit? Screams “trying too hard.” I would not remotely be surprised to see Buck wear that with his parents, especially if they’re in a weird space with their relationship (likely not only because their relationship is strained and weird to begin with and we know the writers are throwing the sperm donor thing into the mix and that we’re going to find out how the Buckleys feel about it). It’s an outfit that strikes us as wrong and uncomfortable and not!Buck, but that makes perfect sense as reflective of Buck’s emotional state regarding the sperm donation arc and with respect to the complexity of Buck’s relationship with his parents and the way he does in many ways become someone else around them.

“In another life” doesn’t have to be about Buck dreaming about a fantasy life. We can already guess at the underlying theme: in another life, Daniel would have lived, in another life, Buck’s parents would have loved him the way he deserved, in another life, he wouldn’t have ended up the way he is, mired in abandonment trauma stemming from their neglect to the point where he feels like self-harm is the way to get attention and affection, in another life, he would have been a person instead of a collection of parts. Buck dreaming about what that life looks like does nothing—not for him and not for the audience. Instead, arguably the more effective and powerful execution of digging into that is by showing Buck’s reality—because we don’t actually know what their relationship looks like now, post-Love Me Anyway and Buck Begins. And what role does the sperm donation have to play? Will the fact that Buck has maybe been able to give another couple a child when he wasn’t enough to save the child his parents loved most be a positive thing in their eyes? Will it change things between them all for the better? (Or, more to the point—to what extent, even subconsciously, is Buck doing this because he THINKS it might do just that, and might finally get him the love and respect etc they withheld from him for so long?)

The writers have already raised this concept of fantasy vs reality, and even more specifically, the idea of fantasies not measuring up to reality (especially with regard to Buck). “In another life” everything could have been different for him and his childhood and his family—we know that. But there’s an uncomfortable reality that honestly no matter how his parents react to the sperm donor situation (or anything else he might do with his life)—positive or negative—Buck’s never going to be able to have that life, he can’t turn back the clock and magically erase the trauma of his childhood, the damage that his parents did to both him and Maddie. That fantasy isn’t achievable. If there is one thing Buck needs to realize it’s that there is absolutely nothing that is going to “fix him” other than him sitting down and actually doing the messy, painful, ugly work of healing. There is no “other” life—there is the one he has, and accepting that is the first step in his true recovery.

[one-abuse-survivor]

im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

[glitchdollmemoria]

schizospec childhood trauma rant

as my brain is worsening, and im closer to getting a diagnosis, part of me has this impulse to throw it in my parents faces when it finally happens. look at me, i cant think right, i cant talk right, a doctor is finally taking me fucking seriously, i knew all along that something was wrong and i tried to ask you for help and you said i was just being childish and stupid and you were WRONG. look at me, im schizophrenic, schizoaffective, other specified, unspecified, fucking whatever, theres a word for it and you HATE that, you wanted it to just be that i was a problem child, you didnt want a child with such a stigmatized disruptive unsightly disorder, you insisted that couldnt be it and you were fucking wrong and now im suffering worse than i had to because you refused to see the signs when i fucking tried to tell you, you insisted on neglect and all it got you was a child who grew into an adult even more socially hideous than you ever fucking wanted, more than i ever was. and its beautiful! its a revenge story that i lost the reigns of. i deserve to be loud and smug about the fact im suffering and the fact im getting treatment, fucking FINALLY, after all that neglect and hostility. i deserve to be proud of my existence. i deserve to reclaim childishness, and to insist, yes, im a fucking adult, im a grown ass woman man thing. there is so much joy ahead in my recovery because im getting what i always begged for and should have gotten a decade ago at the fucking latest. and i want to rub their noses in it, i want to force them to confront the fact that im mentally ill in an ugly, unsavory way, that im a fucking stain on their obsession with perfection. i rot the roots of this family tree by daring to be sick. they wanted perfection, pushed perfection on me, and now i am beautiful in my illness, rather than the perfect health they insisted i had to have. i want them to ache inside with the grief of knowing they cant deny this imperfection. i want them to face it head-on, that im a blemish they cant get rid of. its beautiful. i love it. i am so fucking proud to still be alive, still kicking. i feel like my entire being is falling apart but even unraveling i take so much joy in the fact im getting help, finally, even if it had to come to this, even if it shouldnt have. its a thirst for life. i want them to know exactly how happy i am, and exactly how sick i am, and that im being taken seriously for fucking once in my life.

but, at the same time, i can never ever let them know about this. never. i dont trust them not to put me under a conservatorship. they want control so badly, i think theyd do it the moment they could. in a heartbeat. and id rather die than let them control me again, especially that much. so they cant know. and i have to stuff down my desire to boast and show them how wrong they were. but, still, i think ill hold that pride close. no matter what happens, no matter how much psychiatric ableism i face, how much people want to treat me like a plaything or an animal, i took the first step i needed to finally get the help i should have gotten years ago. im taking so many steps. no matter how much i fall apart, my parents are being proven wrong, even if they dont know it. and ill be fucking smug about that for as long as id like. it makes me very fucking happy

[puppypeter]

Part 2: this time there’s no Hydra involved (though some of the bad guys are indeed Hydra characters). Please READ THE TAGS! Most of these fics are based around trauma, recovery etc and feature triggering scenes or flashbacks and darker themes. Please be safe and don’t read them if they can be triggering for you! I love many of these fics so much, they have so much plot and are amazingly written, but bare in mind the themes they cover! Enjoy them below the cut:

Tell Me How To Breathe In And Feel No Hurt | 202860 words | Part 1 of Tell Me How To Breathe In And Feel No Hurt

Steve looks over; the guy is standing in the darkness, and when he steps forward Steve’s breath catches in his throat. A few inches shorter than Steve, dark hair falling flat and limp around his high cheekbones, eyes permanently flickering between blue and green and grey and framed by long eyelashes, sharp and bright even in the gray, artificial lighting, only one arm, pulled protectively around himself.

“Bucky?” he whispers incredulously.

or Bucky is a hooker who stumbled into prostitution in desperation and Steve is an achingly lonely artist who has spent four years missing his high school sweetheart and maybe they never stopped loving each other.

Even In The Dark (We Will Find A Way Out) | 242572 words | Part 2 of Tell Me How To Breathe In And Feel No Hurt

“I’m scared,” Bucky whispers. The words are packed; scared doesn’t begin to cover the impossible panic that’s still washing over him, waning and then slamming him again, so much it makes him dizzy.

“I know,” Steve whispers back, “I know. It’s okay to be scared, Buck. Nothing bad is gonna happen to us, baby, not anymore.”

Still reeling from the attack, Bucky and Steve, together, grow and recover and work to heal.

Then the past comes for them.

Snake Eyes | 159983 words

There's a lot of expectation attached to Steve Rogers' name. It's taken him years to prove his own worth - that he's made it so far in the USNA on his own merit and not just because of his father. He's close though - there are only a few more months until he graduates and gets to stand on his own two feet. It's taken a lot of effort to get there, and a lot of sacrifices.

Bucky's beyond the point of expectation. When your father and grandfather have both been President - and your mother nurses political ambitions of her own - brilliance is a foregone conclusion. He's just counting down the final months of his confinement to the glass cage of the White House and he's determined to put that whole world behind him.

But as the days standing between them and their dreams dwindle, Steve comes to realize he might have made one sacrifice too many, and Bucky learns that his freedom comes at a cost he's never going to be able to pay.

Marvel/Political Animals AU

Under The Bridges Of Fame | 89678 words

For better or for worse (usually worse), Steve Rogers has been the most famous guy in the room for a while. And though newsreels have given way to YouTube, people's reactions haven't changed much in seventy-some years. Steve's become an expert at keeping his head down and getting on with his life.

A head-on collision on a busy street sends books flying and sweeps Steve off his feet. The point of impact has a name: James. A charming mess of long hair, thick glasses, and a crooked, not-quite-smile. If he recognizes Steve, he chooses not to comment, placing him firmly in Steve's good graces.

As far as Steve can tell, they might be Bogie and Bacall all over again, save for the group of idiots with selfie sticks who surround them. But for once, the request isn't for Steve.

Which begs the question: if James is James, then who the hell is Bucky?

This Is The Place Where Everything Starts To Begin | 93430 words

Steve Rogers is a tiny spitfire of an artist just trying to make it through his junior year at SHIELD High. Bucky Barnes is the mysterious new kid, adopted son of Principal Alexander Pierce, with a prosthetic arm and a head full of dangerous secrets. When their paths cross, a friendship is formed, one that will lead to the revelation of the dark underside to Brooklyn and the horrific events happening right beneath the surface of its glimmering facade.

The Little Red Balloon | 151807 words

When Steve goes out to a bar looking for a chance to unwind, he doesn’t expect to find the most beautiful person in world there. And he doesn’t expect for that person’s kiss to feel like the missing puzzle piece in his life. And he really doesn’t expect to find himself falling head over heels for that person — for Bucky Barnes — over the next two months, watching as the rest of his life with this man stretches out in front of him.

But Bucky has secrets. Things he won’t tell. And he just wants to live his life in peace, and do what he can to give kids like him the kind of help he never had. But there are things you can’t outrun. And when his past catches up with him, Bucky will do anything to keep Steve safe from the monsters that lurk in the shadows of his life.

But Steve would do anything for him, too. And he’s not about to let Bucky slip away.

This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. When fate collides with choice. And when the deepest love confronts the worst kind of fear.

This is what happens when Steve Rogers meets Bucky Barnes.

What I Used To Be | 117095 words

When the police uncover a hidden sub-basement in the home of criminal Alexander Pierce and find a tortured omega and his three pups, they bring them to the Stark Omega Clinic, a non-profit dedicated to rehabilitating traumatized omegas.

After dark in September 2005, fourteen year old Bucky Barnes vanished. Eleven years and three pups later, he is far from the boy that went missing from a suburban neighborhood outside of Denver.

Steve Rogers is an alpha of some means. When he came into money, he decided to use what he had for good and sign up as a candidate to be a support alpha for his close friend Tony's charitable clinic. When he takes on the task of helping reintegrate Bucky and his pups into the world, he doesn't expect to fall so hard.

Monster In A Daydream | 29804 words

Alexander Pierce was the only one who could love him. He was the only one who dealt with him being so useless and stupid and weak. The only one who helped him grow to be a better person, a better boyfriend and a better submissive. He was the only one who could love someone as disgusting as Bucky was.

OR

Bucky is stuck in an extremely abusive dom/sub relationship with Alexander Pierce and Steve, his best friend from childhood, tries to save him before it's too late. This is a story of abuse, recovery, non sexual intimacy and a blossoming relationship between an abused Bucky and a Steve who just wants to make everything alright.

Ugliness | 46762 words

Highschool AU - Bucky suffers a horrible injustice at the hands of his teacher Alexander Pierce. Will he ever be able to find his voice and reach out to his best friend?

Dark Fics Part 1 | List of all fics recs

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here and I'm so sorry my dear but it's crying about Malex time because we're gonna talk about Silhouettes. Yes, we say this about every song but the lyrics of Silhouettes are so, so painfully Malex. Its the horrible trauma of both their childhoods "because the scars they left we're loud and clear", the wish from both of them that they could change things and be loved "they'd wake up tomorrow and regret the pain", and so many others. Most important "the truth is that you're loved".

I was checking my notifications because I hadn’t had one from you in a bit (read: 1 day-ish) and I was about to be excited when I opened this and oh my goooood why are you doing this to me?! 😭😭😭 this song makes me ugly cry if I think about it too hard and it is SO perfect for Alex and Michael it hurts. (DO NOT SPEAK TO ME ABOUT EVAN BUCKLEY RIGHT NOW, I CAN'T DO THIS WITH HIM TOO, I WILL HAVE A BREAKDOWN)

Anyway. Musically this song is absolutely beautiful and so soft and gentle that it's easy to miss the gut punch of the lyrics. I have officially been proven wrong because I firmly believed it was impossible to be sad while listening to ukulele and OH LOOK I’M SOBBING INTO MY SHIRT. Also the clarinet solo is so moving and beautiful. I love, love love this song, and the video for it posted at the end of this ask is a MUST WATCH because it's absolutely stunning AND it’s a silhouette!

Okay, whoooo boy I gotta prepare myself for this. I hope everyone is ready for a feels trip because this song is heavy but so, so, so hopeful. I read through the How It’s Made for this song and there is some interesting stuff about his work with To Write Love On Her Arms and how listening to these stories of hurt and recovery brought this song about, but I’m going to post a quote of what he said about family because it really hits at the Alex and Michael of it all. (And Buck, oh god, someone go give all these men 10 minutes of solid hugging)

“in all of our histories of pain, it's not uncommon that the source is deeply rooted within our family relationships. which saddens me to no end, considering that "family" should to be a relationship that safe and sacred above all else- it's meant to be where you turn when the world is unkind to you, that builds you back up. so, "silhouettes" is a story about someone navigating the waters of hurt and pain from their broken family, struggling to see the simple truth that they are worth love and deserve so much better.”

Okay, grab some tissues and lets get into these lyrics!

You wrote your name in invisible ink For you were so afraid of what they might think But the scars they left, they were loud and clear Weren't they? Weren't they?

Oof oof oof. This speaks to both Alex and Michael hiding parts of who they are, and to the abuse they both suffered throughout their lives. 

When it's too much to bare, memories erase A disappearing act, deserving of our thanks When it surfaces, just hold your breath And swim, just swim

Just thinking about how we have yet to really see Alex deal with his trauma from childhood and from overseas, and we’ve seen Michael avoiding a lot of his trauma but not really confronting it and I am really hoping season 3 will dig more into that for both of them. I would looooove to see them actually breaking down and helping build each other back up. I like the imagery here of holding your breath and swimming against those memories that can make you feel like you’re drowning. (It also sparks that Finding Nemo connotation that helps lift the weight a little by making it a more fun reminder) From the How It’s Made again, “that lyric refers to our incredible, but dangerous human ability to shut down the things that hurt us so deeply- a defense mechanism that goes back through our darkest memories and covers them up from our consciousness. which is perhaps, in someways, a gift that we are able to turn off those unspeakable things and build up strength in order to process it in a healthy way.. but it's so dangerous too because those swallowed memories build and build without us knowing, which can take a serious tole on our health and wellbeing”

You begged and begged for some kind of change Maybe they'd wake up tomorrow and regret the pain That they've passed down to you like DNA But no luck, no luck

Oh god, I can’t. This hits right in those Alex feels and him wondering if the stroke Jesse had maybe “fix” whatever made him hate Alex, and I am just a blubbering mess right now. I’m also absolutely broken thinking about tiny, fragile, baby Alex and baby Michael being hurt by adults who were supposed to care for them, and Michael looking at the stars and begging for someone from home to come and rescue him. 😭😭😭😭😭  

It seems only by the hand of God or death Will they truly change their silhouettes For a miracle or a consequence You wait and wait

This is probably my favorite line in this song. I can’t really tell you why, just that it strikes a chord in my soul, and the imagery is beautiful. And thinking back to how Jesse died, trying again to hurt Alex and Michael and how after all this time, they were there to witness the consequence of his choices, and how in the end, it didn’t erase what he had done. 

Maybe distance is the only cure? Far away from hurt is where healing occurs But all you really want to do is make them proud Don't you? Don't you?

This gets me in my Lost Decade Alex feels and him trying to be The Best to prove a point to his dad, and how he was able to get that distance and pull himself together into this ice cold military man and how that persona crumbles when he’s back in Roswell. And how Michael never got the chance to have that distance and how he is still so deeply in that hurt. Okay, now I am really hoping that Michael left Roswell during the (frankly ridiculous and I will never not roll my eyes about) 1 year time jump to get some space and some chance at healing.

It must be so hard, in the mess you're always cleaning up To believe in the ghost of unbroken love But I promise you The truth is that you're loved, so loved You're loved, so loved

😭😭😭 So many thoughts and feelings about Michael cleaning up the mess with Rosa and taking the blame for all that and hiding what happened to his hand and who was involved, and Alex researching Project Shepherd and Caulfield and trying to make sure Michael (and Isobel and Max) stay safe and off the military’s radar, and about them fighting over the Lost Decade and having to pick up the pieces alone each time and how much they both want love but do not trust the love they are getting from family/friends is unconditional. This song breaks me but those last lines always bring back that spark of hope. This song is like having a good cry when you really needed to, and someone you love sitting with you and wrapping you in a blanket and a hug and reminding you that they love you when you’re done. This is what Ryan does best, he leads you to a complete breakdown but in a way that makes your soul feel a little more healed at the end.

[flintsjohn]

broken boards

second gift for @ohstarlings as part of the cosmic love exchange! so sorry i’m so late with this, but tumblr was being a jerk :/  this was supposed to be an animal kingdom au, but it never quite got there, so it’s more like a series of headcanons. i hope you like this, darling!! cw: mentions of drug abuse/overdose, internalized ableism, a dash of smut towards the end. alex is in recovery in this, so his mindset isn’t the best. this is the inspiration for alex’s new leg

On most days, Alex misses surfing. It’s like a dull throb in his chest, the waves calling to him as he stares at them from the porch of his house on the strand. He watches, ugly green jealousy boiling in his gut, as young guys and girls run out to the beach, boards under their arms as they laugh. He rubs at his stump angrily as he looks on, sipping on his coffee like he’s an old, bitter man, and not a 28-year-old with a successful career, a somewhat stable home, and a loving relationship. It takes all of his power not to get caught on the fact that had it not been for the accident, he would still be winning trophies surfing instead of coding and being a private consultant.

So on most days, he starts his mornings sulking at the ocean, coffee cup in hand. He hadn’t wanted to move away from Ocean Side, though Michael had suggested it. Both of their careers were here, and their family – Michael’s family, really, who’d taken Alex under their wing at fifteen when his dad had kicked him out. Still, while his body has recovered over the past six months, his mind is still struggling to cope with a loss that goes far beyond the lower part of his right leg. In one fell swoop, he’d lost half a limb, his surfing career, his passion, and damn near his relationship. He and Michael had just been too stubborn to give up on each other, in the end, but the rest was gone for good.

*

Alex had all but grown up with the Guerins, first as neighbours and then as an adoptive family. His dad had never approved of their lifestyle, even before he disowned Alex, which to him had been an added value to moving in with them. Plus, Mara had a habit of taking in strays her kids showed an interest in, and he and Michael had been inseparable since their first meeting at thirteen. The rest of the group had followed over the years – Maria and her mom first, through Mara and Mimi’s friendship; Liz and Rosa a couple of years later, around the time Alex moved in with the Guerins; Kyle, too, at times, though the clan had always been a little uneasy around him because of his cop family.

None of them was blind to what Mara (and later, her children) did for a living. They were all involved in it, on varying degrees, from the moment they decided to enter Mara’s home, she said. They sealed a silent pact, whether it was about feigning ignorance when the cops came around, or tipping Mara off on leads for jobs (Mimi’s job, usually, then passed on to Maria), or full on creating alibis for them (that fell on Alex and Liz, mostly because they had the closest relationship to Michael and Max, respectively). It wasn’t always a happy arrangement, that was true; there were times that had almost ripped their family apart, like when Rosa overdosed at the twins’ eighteenth birthday party and landed both herself and Isobel in rehab (at two different facilities, because Isobel had been the one to supply the drugs and both Ortecho sisters had refused to see her for a long, long time after the incident).

But they were a family, through and through. As they grew older, they refined their routine until it worked like a perfectly oiled machine. Mara passed the mantle on to her kids and set each of them up as property managers for the units they used to launder the money, while the surrounding system specialized each in their own task: Kyle, though always a little removed from the core of the family, became their trusted doctor in the city; Liz followed her scientific vocation, and used her lab as a cover for any substance or falsification they might need; Rosa provided the cars through her garage (she and Michael always took care of the mechanical side of things, and it was impossible for anyone to understand what they were talking about when they went on one of their engineering tangents); Alex got a programming degree in between competitions, and used his skills for whatever hacking, forging, or encoding the family asked for. They never got caught, because all of them treated this as their side hustle, when really their legit jobs were their side hustles, and this was the real, income-generating job.

*

Michael and Maria bought the bar right before the car accident that took Alex’s leg. Maria had the work experience but not the money or managing skills, so they compromised on being partners. It was the first thing Michael did for himself, 100% legit, no laundering involved, and Alex was incredibly proud of him for it, even though he wasn’t there for most of it, too busy winning tournament after tournament at the time. Still, even just hearing Michael rave about it on the phone filled Alex with pride – he knew that among the Guerin kids, Michael was the most codependent with his mom, courtesy of having drawn the short straw in the foster family department over the couple of years Mara had been in prison when Michael was about seven. He never really talked about it, and it had been way before Alex had met him, but he could read the signs. Michael loved his mother, Alex knew that, but at twenty-seven, he’d been ready to move away from the nest and make something of himself (Alex had tried pointing out that his double degree and the laboratory he kept in the basement, along with the countless published articles he had, had already been enough, but Michael wanted to have something physical to call his own, and Alex could understand that).

Then, of course, the accident ruined everything. Michael all but gave up on work to take care of Alex, which infuriated him. His bodily autonomy had always been essential to him after years of suffering his dad’s abuse. Losing his leg took that away from him for a long time, left him weak and dependent on others for even the easiest tasks. He hated it with a vengeance, and hated even more the fact that Michael took to it easily, brushing aside the fact that he gave up on his life’s work to play house with a cripple. At first, it wasn’t so bad: Alex spent most of the first month after the accident in a hospital bed, and then in rehab, and there were set visiting hours that limited Michael’s – and anyone else’s – hovering. When he was cleared to go home, though, Alex deeply regretted having given Michael a key to his apartment (not that not having it would’ve stopped him). Michael was there constantly, supposedly making himself useful and really just getting on Alex’s nerves. He was in pain and angry all the time, lashed out more often than he meant to, and damn nearly drove Michael away for good; he sure as hell broke his heart, if only because he had to witness Alex’s self-destructing tendencies.

Therapy had helped. He stubbornly refused to talk at first, throwing everything he had into physical rehabilitation and scoffing at everyone’s attempts to suggest that he had to take care of his mental health, too. Then, Cam, his physical therapist and an all-around terrifying badass, had none-too-gently told him to cut the shit and start talking to his therapist, so he had. He stormed out – or tried to – more times than he cared to admit, especially when Dr. Avila – Lupe – insisted on bringing it all the way back to his fucked up childhood, but in the end it dragged him kicking and screaming out of his destructive pit.

When his mind cleared enough to realize that being in pain and dealing with trauma wasn’t a valid excuse for being an utter asshole, he was genuinely surprised to see Michael was still there. Their relationship was in shambles, and Alex had never seen Michael so tentative around him, but he hadn’t lost him. There were several crying sessions and tense discussions before they settled, but their relationship rose from the ashes stronger than ever before.

They moved in together, purely because Michael still refused to leave his side – which still irritated Alex, but he took to rolling his eyes instead of yelling at him – and because Alex’s apartment was far from accessible for a disabled person. Their little house on the strand was perfect: it had a ramp to get to the door from the sidewalk on one side, and stairs on the other; the main part of it was a wide open space with a living room and kitchen combo; the doorways and hallways were wide enough for a wheelchair, on the rare days that Alex needed one, and were also useful for when he had to move around on two crutches. The only downside to it, really, was that it was in full view of the beach, but Alex argued that while he still hadn’t gotten over his anger and still longed to take his board out, the sound of the waves was one he couldn’t give up on.

So he sat, and stared, and drank his coffee, waiting for the moment around eight when Michael stumbled out, sleep-rumpled and rubbing at his eyes, and accepted the kiss Michael would press to his cheek or forehead. They’d sit for another while, watching walkers go by, rarely speaking, before Michael had to go get ready to head to the bar. Alex would follow more slowly, showering after Michael, getting his prosthetic on, gathering his things for work. Then, they’d either head to the bar together, Alex sitting in a corner with his laptop while Michael organized and cleaned and restocked, or Alex would head to his current consulting gig, or to Mara’s house (because for all he liked to grumble about people hovering, he didn’t like to be alone, either, and there were always people around at Mara’s).

Then, on their anniversary, their routine was disrupted by Michael waking up before Alex. He brought breakfast to bed, which Alex accepted without the usual grumble because he could recognize romance, thank you very much, and when the plates were scraped clean Michael moved the tray so that he could straddle Alex’s lap, ever so careful of his stump. Michael rode him slowly, languidly, alternating between rising up on his knees and girating his hips, Alex’s cock buried inside of him as far as it would go. All the while, their chests were pressed together, Michael’s arms firm around Alex’s shoulders, both of his hands buried in Alex’s hair. They didn’t get to do this much, these days, always too tired or in pain or just not in the mood. Alex had missed this, missed the weight of Michael’s body over him, the warmth of him, the way Michael gave himself up to pleasure entirely. After, when Alex was utterly spent and still trying to catch his breath, Michael hopped up from the bed and shyly offered Alex a box. It was his attitude, more than the gift (he had one hidden in his car, but he was waiting for dinner later to give that to Michael) that surprised him – these days, Michael was never hesitant around him, that habit forgotten, but now he was perched on the edge of the bed and fidgeting with his hands, looking entirely too bashful for someone so comfortable with being naked.

Realization dawned upon Alex when he opened the gift. It was a new prosthetic, but not like the one he already had. The foot looked similar enough, but where the pylon in his regular prosthetic was smooth, this had a hook. Alex frowned for a second, but running his hands over the covered suspension system, there was no doubt what it was: a waterproof prosthetic, with a clip to hook the leg to the surf board instead of his foot. Alex was at a loss for words while Michael nervously explained it was just a sample, he’d need to make an actual mold of his leg for it to fit properly, but it was perfectly working. He nodded along, because he didn’t really care about the mechanics of it; what mattered was that Michael had handmade this, for him, so that he would be able to surf again. As he dragged Michael to him, laughter and tears mixing as he kissed and kissed him, Alex didn’t think of the time it’d take to get used to it, or the endless amount of work he’d have to put into getting in shape again. He could only think about the fact that Michael had given surfing back to him, and goddamn him if he wasn’t going to love this man every day of his life.

[liathgray]

Anyways, here’s that essay

Please keep in kind this was not written to be consumed by people familiar with the source material, it was for a class. It’s focused on weird stuff and was meant to compare and contrast the Judas Contact storyline and season two of Titans.

Okay, here we go.

In 1984, a four-part story was published as an arc in Tales of the Teen Titans titled as The Judas Contract. Since, it has become one of the most influential and well-known stories to come out of the DC publishing company for its bold story choices and permanently changing characters who had been around for decades, as well as introducing death as something that can occur in the present, not just in the mechanics of a backstory. It garnered four separate adaptations, the most recent of which being the second season of Titans, a loose live-action version of the titular team. Between the two, there are many small plot and character details that do not line up, so for the sake of simplicity, pedantic plot elements will be removed from the comparison, instead focusing on individual motivation, the importance of the setting, and how characters are impacted and changed by the actions in the narrative.

The Judas Contract proper follows a team of pre-established young heroes being unknowingly spied on by their newest superpowered member, Tara Markov. She works alongside Slade Wilson, a mercenary and personal rogue of the Teen Titans, feeding him important information in order to fulfill his contract to kidnap them, hence the title of the arc; there is a Judas among them. The contract is almost completed until Slade’s son, Joey, enters the picture, determined to prevent any more death at hands of his father, emotionally conflicting Slade enough for Tara to feel betrayed and collapse the cavern they had been in, killing herself in the process. In the end, it is her story alongside the former Robin, Dick Grayson, who is inspired to take up a new vigilante identity as a result. Titans, has the same basic idea of there being a mole in the group and the evolution of Dick from Robin to Nightwing, but the surrounding plot and progression are entirely different. The Titans had existed previously, but broke up due to a series of events involving Slade, starting with the murder of a teammate, and ending in the death of Joey. There’s much grief and trauma surrounding this, so when years later Dick decides to reopen the team’s old headquarters to house and train new young heroes he stumbled across, his old friends are a mix of angry, re-traumatized, and reluctant, especially with the re-emergence of their aforementioned enemy. In the place of Tara, there is Rose. Daughter of Slade and, again, the spy on the team who, unlike Tara, has a change of heart and reveals her betrayal in an attempt to warn her newfound friends.

The most striking element of both is the use of character, and in what direction the agents go in, especially in light of the overarching themes that they share; that of redemption, recovery, guilt, and betrayal. In the comic, the focal point for all of this is Tara. She is continually treated well by her teammates whom remain compassionate to her, despite her brashness and tendency to get violent. They know little of her, yet still welcome her into their home and personal lives. It is revealed to the audience early on that Tara is working for Slade, which makes each interaction she has with those she is deceiving all the more upsetting, even distressing to watch. Tara’s particular flavor of trauma deals with abandonment, something she acquired after being forced out of her home country, which later developed into malignant narcissism. She becomes very attached to the idea of being in a position of power and finds comfort in the presence of Slade, as he was the first person to justify her being alive. Tara, in the end, fails to redeem herself, instead the illusion she had built of stability and power came crumbling down after she spends ally after ally until there is no one, and she has no power left. Though it’s somewhat cynical, the idea here is that these cycles of betrayal and neglect cannot always be broken, that’s the point of this character; sometimes people are just too dysfunctional and if they are not willing to put in the work to get better and heal, they just won’t.

Rose, Tara’s counterpart, goes through a very different metamorphosis, despite the setup being similar. Her initial motivation was revenge for the brother she never knew, having been told it was the Titans who killed him when in fact it had been Slade, though it wasn’t intentional. Slade, however, blamed the Titans, specifically Dick, thus Rose believed him and was willing to participate as a double agent. When she encounters them for the first time, she is met with sympathy and understanding, people who didn’t value her as a weapon, creating incongruity with the story she was fed of elite fighters and master manipulators. Upon learning the truth about the circumstances under which her brother died, and who exactly killed him, she backs out. Rose realized she was lied to and manipulated, almost immediately grasping the gravity of the situation and seeing how hard she was pushing people whose greatest crime was daring to care about the very person she thought she was avenging. Later, she tells her newly acquired love interest the truth, following it up by saying, “I’d take it all back if I could. But I can’t.” (Zhang). Where Tara failed, Rose succeeded; she got rid of the poison in her life and recognized that she was the bad guy, alongside seeing the humanity of those she attempted to sabotage.

The theme of redemption and recovery doesn’t stop with Rose. It is furthered by all the other existing characters, young and old. On the basis of new beginnings for the second generation, and moving past the collective trauma and fear associated with teamwork for the first. More so than anyone else, this idea is present in the journey of Dick Grayson. In the original story, he is motivated to save his friends from an ugly fate while in the throes of a very real identity crisis involving the title of Robin, which he had recently discarded, believing that it was time for him to grow past the role and create a legacy entirely his own. Which he does do; he rebrands himself as Nightwing, rising to the occasion and overcoming the difficulties of abandoning a role that represented his culminative childhood and heritage to do save the people he loves. It is very much about the conquering of his external obstacles.

This is not the case in Titans, it is largely about his spectacular fall from grace and the struggle of building himself back up from rock bottom. He had kept a secret from all his closest friends about the death of Joey; he told them Joey was murdered before he found him, when in fact, he wasn’t. Joey died trying to protect Dick from Slade, and Dick felt so much guilt and shame in having been partially responsible that he lied about it for years. When his teammates find out, his worst nightmare comes true: they leave him. He is with next to no support, devoid of the family he fought tooth and nail to keep together, and is left in the tomb of his last chance to remain stable. While Rose and Tara had to redeem themselves to other people, Dick’s story is a redemption to himself, not anyone else. He stops doing things for other people and imagines himself of deserving the loneliness of, in essence, being re-orphaned. In a desperate attempt to find forgiveness, he seeks out Slade who, instead of offering the sought after peace of mind, says, “I sentence you to live alone (…) Forever knowing that your Titans family lives and breathes somewhere out there in the world, but you can never be with them.” (Morales). His lowest point is monumentally more devastating than his comic counterpart; he isolates himself entirely, going as far as to get himself jailed to carry out the self-imposed punishment, expecting to be abused and killed alone in a prison, the prospect of death barely startling him. In moments like this, the tragedy of the character hurts so much more because the audience knows that if he gets knocked down, he may not get back up, he has every reason not to. Which is why it is so earnest and exhilarating when he does. Dick was broken down to his factory parts, every mistake and bad trait not only was put on display, but magnified. He was made to confront those things before being able to piece himself back together, only then could he take on a new identity as Nightwing. Seeing him fall again is tangibly damaging to the character, so seeing him climb his way back up, scratching, clawing, slipping up, and struggling all the way, it’s all the more satisfying when he reaches the top.

A large part of this fall and rise, or in the case of The Judas Contract, the lack off a fall, is to do with the setting. The comic has all their main characters living in relative harmony or with their own spaces. When they are not off stopping cults from destroying political landscapes or battling supervillains, they are at home, going about their daily lives as somewhat normal people with jobs and relationships. It exemplifies that they all have a decent grasp on who they are, and even if they don’t, they have a bed to go back to and a support system to rely on. This is an established team with a running headquarters, lovingly named Titans Tower, the scene is only a part of the narrative as the backdrop, as a story punching bag that ultimately doesn’t matter, and that is all it needs to be. The story is much more interested in the series of events taking place, otherwise known as the act. Everything that goes down becomes a spoiler because there are so many plot points to cover and twists to reveal, thus the scene becomes story fuel, which in turn fuels the act, fueling the actors. There is less of a fall because they all have a home to turn to; it is built around the idea that the primary agents are at least somewhat realized people, with lives of their own. They react to the world around them as it throws obstacles, and the idea is re-enforced by the irrelevance of where the action takes place, wholly opposing the priorities of its live-action adaptation.

Not to say that Titans doesn’t jump from place to place, in fact it shifts its characters around quite a lot, but those moves are reactions to and influenced by the primary setting. The Titans operate out of, again, Titans Tower, but instead of a home and safe place, it is a monument to their old team’s sins. A ghost town that continues to haunt them, bringing back their darkest times and motivating nearly every move they make. When they first arrive, it’s tense, they’re subconsciously expecting the worst and prepare to bail at the first signs of trouble, which they eventually do. It is their return that sparks the entire story moving forward, and the presence of a looming shadow built from mistakes colours their reactions and triggers a sort of trauma response. Conversely, it is a beacon of hope and rebirth for the younger members. It is the first place wherein they have been allowed to be themselves, even at their worst, then collectively learn to get better as a group, a family even. The motif of past and present, trauma and recovery, informs the presentation of Titans Tower, making the growth visible in ways it previously hadn’t been. Using the setting as story plays into how Titans is structured; it drip-feeds the audience information, allowing the plot to meander so each development can happen and be processed before the next major plot point kicks in, and if they lose the setting, their home, there’s nothing else, thus the consequences are much steeper.

Throughout its two seasons run, Titans has been unapologetically divisive; deeply flawed characters with a universe quite different from that of the comics. It was not designed to make audiences comfortable, often forcing them to look at the worst parts of characters they might have previously idolized and showing the amount of hard work that has to be put into self-betterment. It is highly character-driven, mostly following interpersonal relationships and intimate growth. Barely anyone feels self-assured, often scrambling for any sense of identity. Though everyone goes through their fair share of change, this is ultimately Dick’s redemption story to himself. It departs from the source material, which often showed readers the best parts of people, that the downfall of heroes comes from outside sources while overall making a cynical statement about the cycle of abuse regarding Tara. These are heroes who know who they are and have no problem in the actions they make, whereas in the adaptation, almost every conflict is generated internally by lies and secrecy. The adaptation removes the halo from these supposed heroes and allows the emotions to be a bit dirty and muddled, creating an equally satisfying but very different take on a classic comic story.

[sophygurl]

Hi! I was just browsing through my activity and noticed that after I responded to your ask about ships a while back, you reblogged and shared your thoughts about Spuffy. I'm so glad you were able to read my opinions and understand them, even if you didn't agree with them. I just wanted to stop by and ask what your thoughts and feelings are on Spuffy? I'd love to hear your perspective :)

Oh wooooow, you have no idea how happy you just made me! I feel like I talk about spuffy quite a lot but without ever really saying much of anything because inside of me it’s just a lot of (!!!!!>?>>?!!?!>fjhghhf?!?!?!?!!?) YKWM? Like feels central exploding all over the place and it’s really difficult for me to put into coherent words. 

But I’ve also been wanting and meaning to write some serious spuffy meta and kinda dissect what it all means to me personally, as a survivor, for some time now. And like. Especially with all of this purity culture stuff coming to a head, it feels like a good time to take the time to try and do it because, yea, shit not only doesn’t have to be pure to be helpful - but sometimes the darker stuff IS the Most helpful. 

And I really did appreciate your perspective about the relationship because you talked about the ways in which it did and didn’t work for you without ever shaming anyone for the way it does work for them? And I wish we could all do that more. 

So thank you so much for sending me this ask, and asking for my perspective because sometimes all it takes for me to finally settle down and write something I wanna write anyways is to be asked by someone else to do it! 

This is absolutely gonna get long so have a read more cut.

For context, let me start by saying that I didn’t watch Buffy when it first aired - it was, mmm, I wanna say about 10-11 years ago when I decided to try it out. And while I was watching it, I was also in the midst of doing some heavy duty therapy work on my PTSD stemming from childhood sexual abuse and then some further traumas in my young adulthood that happened because of poor processing of said abuse. I’m not gonna get into details about my personal traumas except for some specific ways in which they relate to the lens in which I watched and processed the relationship between Buffy and Spike. BUT, due to that lens, there very well may be triggery content in this post. 

My experience watching Buffy, in general, started out with me being really unsure what the draw was in season 1 and then slowly getting more involved in the characters and relationships and mythos as the series developed into a more mature and nuanced show. I was really hooked by season five, and season six is my favorite, with seven a close second. 

I liked Buffy, the character, okay in the beginning but it wasn’t until she started really going through and processing her traumas that I started to personally connect to her. So season six was like, my jam. She was raw and stripped down to the nerve, and cycling between like outright rage to pure numbness and just lashing out trying desperately to feel and to make sense of her experiences and I was like - yea, Buffy, same, Same. And then in season seven she starts really contextualizing her trauma and using the pain of it to give herself more power and then sharing that power with others and it was just … fuck, I can’t even begin to tell you what that meant to me. In that last episode, I felt her handing me back my OWN power - like I FELT it - it really … anyway. We’ll get there.

And then there was Spike, who I loved right away. I love me some snarky villains. I love me the bad boy who has hidden depths inside of him. I love the villain who doesn’t … really fit the mold of the other villains in-verse. I love the villain who doesn’t mind working with the heroes if it fits his agenda. Basically, Spike was fictional catnip for me right out of the gate.

I adored Spike and Drusilla together for a lot of reasons, but for Spike to develop beyond just Big Bad, he had to fall out of her orbit, so I was okay with that ending.

On the other hand, I was never into Buffy and Angel. Watching the series as an adult, it just felt creepy to me how this old vampire basically stalked a very innocent-seeming to me teen Buffy. Their romance reminded me of girls I knew who fell for older guys when I was in high school where the older guy seemed sort of dangerous and mysterious and I get the draw from Her perspective - but not necessarily his? I don’t know, I just personally never really bought them being truly in love - they were sort of practice relationships for one another? Her as a young teenager, and him as someone just starting to re-learn humanity. I never Disliked them together… I just never shipped it. The idea of them being one another’s One True Love’s was just sorta meh to me. 

So when Spike started having his crush on Buffy? I was so ready for that. Because it was so silly at first, right? It was not serious. It was creepy and weird and wrong. But in a way that appealed to me. 

How do I explain? I guess, it had to do with all of the reasons that Spike was Not Like All The Other Villains/Vampires. Angel was always different but ONLY because he was cursed with a soul. It was a thing done TO him and when he reverted back to Angelus he was literally a whole different person and did not have any desire to turn back into Angel. When he was Angel, he was all brooding and guilt-ridden and terrified of his other self. 

But Spike was always different just because he was different. This didn’t mean he had a soul or a capacity for love or the ability to be a Good Guy. It just meant he worked a little differently than the other vampires. I truly think he loved and was devoted to Dru. I don’t think she was capable of returning that love in the same way. 

So, anyway, Spike is back and he’s split with Dru because Dru could just … tell … something was off and Spike was wanting to deny that but then suddenly - crush! Not love, not attraction, not lust, not desire - a freaking schoolboy crush.

But of course it was creepy because hello - soulless vampire who has never had a healthy relationship of any kind in his LIFE. But he starts doing these odd things, like wanting to comfort Buffy when he sees that she’s upset and being willing to take care of Dawn when no one else was available and HE doesn’t get it either, but somehow he’s becoming a slightly more decent person because of this weirdass crush? 

IDK, that’s appealing.

And let me clarify. It’s not appealing to me because I see myself in the Good Girl who can make a Bad Boy into a better person. That is never what’s appealed to be about these types of relationships. 

In large part because of my abuse, I see different layers of myself in each character. 

I went through a large portion of my life pretending very hard to be a Good Girl and then when I finally came out of denial about the abuse realized that was because inside I felt like a very Bad Girl and then as I pursued more recovery realized it’s all a lot more complex than that but really I’ve been more of a Decent Person who felt like a Bad Person trying really hard to be a Good Person. I hope that makes sense.

But the point is. I see myself in both the Good and the Bad characters in these sorts of push-pull love-hate dynamic relationships.

And what I love about spuffy, specifically, is that they’re both … both. Eventually. I’m getting ahead of myself. But yes, Spike suddenly wanting to be decent here and there because of his weird developing feelings for Buffy appealed to me - and especially to part of me that feels Bad. I’m Spike in this scenario, not Buffy. 

But I’m also Buffy, being really grossed by this Bad Person’s interest in me. When Buffy throws her money at Spike and says he’s not good enough for her - that’s me hating myself and saying I’m not good enough. But it’s also, strangely, me taking a stand and saying I’m worth better than the ways in which I was treated.

Gods, this whole abuse recovery dichotomy can be so confusing to explain because like. I never abused anyone. But the ugliness I feel inside of myself has to do with what happened to me, and also with what I know people in my family have done to others. So there’s this idea of Badness there. And the idea of there being forgiveness and redemption for that Badness is very very appealing.

And at the same time? There’s this beauty inside of myself that I always thought I was faking but that it turns out - is fucking real and precious and important. And standing up for that broken beautiful part of myself and saying no to being used and abused again is so powerful.

So in that scene? I’m the ugliness in Spike being hated by Buffy but I’m ALSO the powerful beauty in Buffy standing up for herself.

You can maybe see how this all gets even more tangled up the further we go, yea?

So Spike gets chipped and becomes a part of the team - all the while simultaneously reminding them that he’s still a Bad Guy AND slowly becoming a slightly better person because of his interactions with them and his feelings for Buffy. He’s not even close to redeemed, okay, he’s still a villain. He’s just a more and more intriguing villain, an anti-villain, even, eventually.

And then season six. And Buffy comes back. And she’s broken and raw and needing something that her friends cannot give her. She is needing to connect to the darkness inside of herself, and who is waiting there for her? 

And so yea, okay, hatesex is very appealing to me just inandofitself. It’s like double the passion and it’s animalistic and there’s something so sexy and gratifying about two people just using one another with equal force, yk? 

And Spike and Buffy are physically matched perfectly. She can take all her anger and pain and rage out on him without permanently damaging him. And she’s NEVER been able to let loose like that before. Her first time with Angel was a more tender and sweet moment and then - welp - turns out they can’t do the do. And otherwise she’s been with humans who she’s had to hold back with. There was zero holding back with Spike. 

So from Buffy’s perspective, there’s this amazing relief and release and yea, even, empowerment in being able to just freely let herself go in this way. 

From Spike’s point of view, it was about more. And here is where I feel for him because, at this point he’s still not really capable of love in the way we talk about it as being something from a soul. He’s chipped but not soul’d. He has strong feelings for Buffy that no vampire (besides cursed-soul Angel) should be able to have. But it’s not … quite … love. It’s passion and it’s care and it’s wanting and it’s even becoming something like friendship. But it’s not love, much as he thinks it is.

But he does Think it is. And he’s thinking it’s the same for her, but she just can’t admit it, yet. The hatesex to him … is just  … sex. And he fully believes he’s winning her over. And so her constant rejection of him as a fully human person with a soul and feelings guts him - even as he’s still trying to convince himself that he does love her and she does somehow secretly love him back. 

The fact that she keeps using him physically, and also keeps coming to him for emotional support, supports this belief and keeps him from understanding the reality of the situation.

Now, I think I mentioned than when I was watching this for the first time I was in heavy duty therapy mode yea? Well, there was another even heavier duty therapy mode a good tenish years prior when I had first admitted to the abuse I experienced and got really good and fucked up and made some bad personal decisions and here is where some of that comes to play because I saw myself in this scenario - again from both sides.

I am Buffy learning to enjoy the pleasures of my body and sexuality for the first time but also making really bad decisions about who to share that with because I am still so new to processing my trauma.

I am also Spike - longing for something more and better and being told (by myself) that I was not good enough, that I was bad, that I was not a full human person who deserved good things or good relationships.

(There, there, pastme - it does get better)

Back to first-time-Buffy-watching me. And I am enjoying the HECK out of the spuffy sex and I am feeling for poor pining Spike and feeling for Buffy who is hating herself for what she’s doing and also shipping them like WHOA because there is so much about their dynamic that is just sexy and fun and FEELS everywhere. 

But I knew Seeing Red was coming, because I did have a few things spoiled for me just by existing in the world for years without having watched the show yet myself. I really didn’t wanna watch it, or the rest of season six. So I got into a spiral of just watching the earlier parts of the season over and over - specifically the musical and through the 3 episodes of heavy spuffy sex. I did a LOT of processing during this time and then eventually girded myself to watch what I knew was coming. 

And Seeing Red is awful. Traumatic. Triggering. Terrible. But also, like, gods, did it make sense for where these two characters were at this point in time? I didn’t feel like it was contrived or somehow put in just for the heck of it. It made sense in the narrative. Spike legitimately just did not get it. He did not realize he was attempting rape until … finally … he did. 

And the horror of that, the horror of realizing that he almost did that to the ONE person in the world that he has ever cared that much about? Broke him. Sent him off on a magical quest to get his fucking soul back.

No one did that. Even Angel was Cursed with his soul, right? No vampire ever wanted to get their soul back - even had enough non-ensouled feelings to have the ability to want such a thing. Not to mention going through the trials of actually getting it back.

Season seven Spike is such a different beast. He’s messed up from the soul-thing, but I honestly believe Most of his messed-up-ness came from what The First was doing to/through him. Because … gods, okay.

When Spike goes through the flashbacks and recognizes what his trigger is? (Like the show legit uses PTSD terminology here - it was a Trigger) He processes his Own old traumas and he is able to tell Robin basically - fuck it, I know who I am. I know I did terrible things without my soul, but I can’t and won’t beat myself up for that (for example the way Angel does) because it wasn’t entirely my fault and all I can control now is who I am now and what I do now.

Now THAT spoke to me as a trauma survivor. Stop hanging on to all of this so-called badness inside, forgive yourself, and move on. WOW. Fucking powerful. 

And what he DOES choose to do is to be there for Buffy in any way she will allow him to.

Ensouled Spike is no longer creeping around her or making weird assumptions about her or trying to Get something From her. Ensouled Spike defends her when others attack. Ensouled Spike holds her all night when she needs it and gives her pep talks and asks what he can do to help and accepts when he can’t help and just stands there quietly willing to do battle With her. 

I just … phew… that makes me emotional. 

Because, again, I look back at some of those dysfunctional relationships I got into in my early 20′s and like. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that. 

And my attraction to the Fictional Bad Boy with a Hidden Heart of Gold was never about expecting any of them to. I was with them, unconsciously or even some cases consciously, on purpose to punish myself or to work out past traumas with or just to Feel Something. I never expected or even necessarily wanted deep love from them.

So, here’s the thing. None of those fuckers would have done anything like that for me. Nor I them. 

So Spike slowly gaining his redemption through his willingness to become a better person because of his love of Buffy? Fucking spoke to me.

And Buffy slowly accepting the darker parts of herself through her willingness to let Spike into her orbit because of her feelings for him? Fucking yes. 

And when she hands him the - shit it’s been a long time - that medallion meant for a champion? And he doesn’t think he’s worthy, but she says she knows he is. Fuck!!! That is ME accepting ME, okay? All of myself, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the messed up and the slowly healing. All of it. 

And when he sacrifices himself in the end??? When that’s how she’s finally able to defeat The First? All that power sharing with all of the other women was *chefkiss* but it also took Spike. Spike who stormed on the scene in season two with snark and a twisted sense of love and no desire to ever be a hero? That Spike!? Sacrificing himself and STILL NOT BELIEVING BUFFY LOVES HIM. 

Because by then, let’s be clear, she did. Maybe not the same way he loved her, but she did love him. And he doesn’t believe it, can’t believe himself worthy of that love. But he sacrifices himself ANYway?

THAT Spike? Is no longer asking anything in return. He gives all of himself and won’t even accept her statement of love in return. “No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it anyway.” Just AUGJH?!? You know??? 

That was me … redeeming me … for me…. 

So anyway. 

I just want to add that AS I WAS WRITING THIS OUT, I got another ask in my inbox stating “People who like problematic or villainous characters are apologist for shitty people and should rethink their life because they’re shitty people.”

And this is the exact WRONG time to come for me like this because I just poured out my entire traumatized abuse surviving soul into the internet to explain why watching a problematic villain evolve and learn to do better helped ME to contextualize and process my fucking trauma. So fuck you. People who write anonymous hate without knowing the full story are being shitty and should rethink their actions because they’re shitting on actual REAL LIFE COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE. 

The end. 

[cyanpeacock]

more Realtalk(tm), less Psychosis(R)

my counsellor is a g and got me like, drawing stuff to take to our appointments? and i started off drawing like, pretty nothings, quite obviously avoiding the point. recently though i have been drawing Ugly Somethings. like, regarding how i felt as a kid, and all the cruel shit i heard regularly that fucked massively with my self-perception and self-esteem. 

it’s weird. like... i don’t feel SO ashamed about “oh man I’m just overreacting” any more? sometimes i still get those thoughts like, oh snap, this shouldn’t have hurt me so much, it’s just words. but then i recall like, dude, what the fuck, this is a Grown Woman dealing all this verbal degradation to a tiny little child, with a side of physical punishment and a dressing of solitary confinement, with a dash of enforced hunger to taste. i was a witness to like, serious addiction, domestic abuse, and sexual violence? that shit... fucked me up. really badly. for AGES. still does. that is actually, like... very serious abuse and neglect. and minimizing it for others’ comfort is very damaging to me? no wonder i feel so fucking awful coming home from those people and places. 

and like, my reaction to all that trauma? Hide. either by freezing or fleeing. fight when cornered. fawn if i’m going to lose the fight. so, of course, the Family only saw like... a fragment of me. the fragment that learned freezing gets trouble, running gets trouble, fighting gets MORE trouble, and only fawning is safe, despite that course requiring hiding huge chunks of like, my actual personhood? hiding the fact that i still primarily freeze and fly from novel frightening situations in case they’re dangerous? that’s not healthy for me. i gotta... unhide hiding. which, yeah, these new drawings are definitely part of that. whew. 

none of the Family really believe i’m as unwell as i actually am, because i am very smart, very persistent, and hide So Much from them. at uni i get top 5% marks in the modules i really Work at, so it looks like “oh, he must be well enough! he can manage alone!” to them and people who don’t know how HARD i work for those grades. i work to the point i have neglected taking real care of my body and mind, which is why i’m going part time for 2nd year. but like... socially? uh, i’m way behind. job-experience-wise? way behind where i COULD have been, with appropriate support from 18 onwards. financially? unpredictable!! despite being ABLE to budget well, sticking to it is another matter!! i always run out in the summer!!

looking at my academic performance is NOT a good measure of my ability in everyday life, because in my case, my academic performance is literally The Thing I Am Best At. “difficulty in school” for me looks like getting a B instead of an A*, or missing one lab in a module, not the uni threatening to kick me out. the fact that i had to drop out for like a year then go part time is SERIOUS for me. like... it’s very oh Shit. i’m finally Free. and EVERYTHING is hitting me. all the pain of captivity. graduating has always been my Ticket Out, away from frightening people and places, and it might actually be in reach?! i could WORK in a lab, and talk to people while my gels are running, and discuss a weird chromosome i saw last week over a coffee. i’d Dig that shit, that’s a way i could fucking Live!!! but what the fuck, this is so much at once, i need to slow down!!! there’s more to deal with here than Just School!!!

and funnily enough, NONE of my relatives are in the Dream Future!! the Dream Future i thought was impossible and unattainable, because i genuinely believed i was gonna die by suicide before i hit 18, and then 21!! and yeah i have a recent attempt under my belt but right now i don’t wanna try again. if i get that way towards winter, then, well, shit, I Need A Mood Stabilizer. and yeah... reliably, historically, winter is a Darker Time for me. i’m very concerned about it happening again this year. but i gotta just. do the best i’m capable of under the conditions at the time. as always.

i gotta remember like, damn, i chose staying in a homeless hostel over going back to live with Her. the place was garbage, noisy, full of drugs and sad mad young people, but it was fucking clean, i could lock my door, i could move around in my Own space without being startled by people appearing suddenly in doorways, i could use the kitchen (emotionally) comfortably once i got put into a flat? what i hated Most was literally Being Seen by other residents. literally just being observed in the hallways or reception. that, and the noise of other people moving around, because thumping and crashing and footsteps near my door historically meant Trouble is On the Way. 

SO YEAH i hate my mother!! yes!! hate is a very strong word, claire!! because i have VERY strong feelings about how you treated me at the beginning! no amount of “i love you” or “i’m sorry” or “i didn’t mean it like that” will change those things!!! you can’t get rid of ANY of the pain you caused that child, because it has Already Happened! you trying to convince me it works that way led me to hurt a LOT of people with the same unhealthy self-defense mechanisms, thinking that was Appropriate Behaviour!!!

i am absolutely Not obliged to see her, talk to her, or forgive her in any way. going back and even texting her are causing me Pain that is completely fucking unnecessary. i understand she is acting from a place of her own traumas with the mother that nearly killed her, but i do NOT need to minimize the absolute torture she dealt me because “she had it worse.” what i Do need to do is take responsibility for my OWN health, i.e. get the fuck AWAY, PERMANENTLY, FOREVER from the family i was born into. it is taking repeated efforts!! but that is okay!! i was trapped there for a very long time and led to believe Family Is Forever!!! very Untrue!!!

as long as i’m making excuses for her behaviour towards me, i’ll be dealing the same kind of unhealth towards other people in my life, and i don’t dig that side of the world where everyone is hiding a knife behind their back in case their “friend” turns out to be a “snake”. i visited! it doesn’t suit me, or anyone imo, but i understand why people stay or get stuck there. staying hostile feels safer, for a long fucking time. i’m still very wings-forward about-to-box defensive, but i don’t wanna stay there, i want to like... actually relax? to actually not have pecs so tight they pull my shoulders forward 24/7? that would be fucking Delightful. 

so yeah i’m definitely... well. That’s Trauma, Babey!! and any kind of communication with those people who believe “there’s nothing wrong” with me is setting me back massively in my recovery. thanks 2 my recent psychosis for confirming that!! 

a lot of that psychosis was not literal but VERY useful and frequently symbolic in helping me realise how goddamn painful my childhood actually was. like... i’m a long time out from it now, but emotions came up that like... well. i don’t think i could conceive of that if i’d never experienced something to trigger that intensity of feeling? yeah. 

BUT YEAH that’s a bunch more shit integrating all at once. i’m gonna go listen to electric six and be Mr. Woman for a while. theatrical dramatics this body can GET. acknowledging and feeling through trauma is Not the same thing as being theatrical, claire!!

ok I Go Music Zone Now

[erinvanzyl-blog]

Beyond Illusions

My battle with fear & anxiety began in August of 2014, just a handful of weeks after I got married to my best friend and high school sweetheart. I had been suffering with pain in my stomach (which I later learned was from a parasite) and was in the early stages of visiting doctors to discover the cause. Everything else in life was humming along. My business was doing well, my children settling into their new routine and Ash and I were enjoying making a home together. We both put on some weight (early marriage bliss definitely to blame) and life was exciting.

Then...

11th August 2014, I woke to breaking news of Robin Williams suicide. My heart sank and felt like it was wrenched apart. He was a familiar face, someone I had been a massive fan of all my life. Memories from childhood of popcorn, movies & laughter; his hilarious persona, warmth and friendly face. It stayed with me for days. I thought about it constantly and couldn’t seem to shake it. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief over someone I didn’t know but felt a connection to. I thought to myself “how could he feel so miserable’, ‘how could he take his own life’, ‘how did people not know and come to his aid’. To be completely honest, this was the first time in my life where I thought about the reality of death. I found myself so deeply and profoundly touched by this tragic event. I had never really been here before, at this level of pondering the meaning of life and dying.

I started to think about death from the moment I woke and could hardly sleep at night. I thought about the plane that went missing earlier in the year. I kept my eyes on all the news. Little William Tyrell went missing and all of a sudden I was surrounded by all the horrific things that were taking place around the world. I started having panic attacks and night sweats out of my control. Frozen with fear. I felt anxious about everything. Driving down the Wakehurst Parkway had now become a nightmare and filled me with dread. I noticed every tribute and cross placed along the road where there had been fatalities. The panic inside me was so real and so dominating. I dwelled on how people had died and how their families must have felt and I would get completely overcome with worry about my children. I was so gripped by fear, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Small daily tasks felt heavy and overbearing. I didn’t know how to cope. My health was up in the air and I didn’t want to go there, I didn’t want to know what was wrong. I was so afraid that I was terminally ill as that was my frame of mind and a scenario I had already constructed in my head. My world felt like it was crumbling around me. My honeymoon to NZ was around the corner. I felt more and more anxious and more and more paralysed by fear as the date got closer. I was going to be leaving my kids for 6 long days. The smallest details about the trip bothered me. I pulled up the flight path on my maps at least 10 times a day to look at the journey over the ocean. Why did it have to be a 3 hour flight? What if our flight went missing? What if I never saw my kids again. It was all too consuming.

Ash had been supporting me the best way he could. He was super encouraging and really tried to understand but when I looked at him, I knew, he didn’t get it. How could he. I could not share the extent to which the fear had gripped me. I had to tell him that it was impossible for me to go on the honeymoon. At last a tiny moment - a deeper fear that outweighed the storm I was facing - a fear of upsetting or disappointing him. He said he understood and that we could take the trip at another time but as I looked into my partners eyes, I faced a minute glimpse of reality. I was more afraid of hurting him.

Having never gone through anything like this before, I decided to open up and talk about it with my mum. After letting it all out and hearing myself talk about it, I felt more at ease. She too, shared a time when she had had a similar experience of fear when she had to leave us in South Africa when she had to fly to Australia to check it out before we immigrated.This made me feel worlds better about the trip. Enough to call Ash and say that we would definitely go. She expressed that what had helped her was prayer and knowing that fear was a spiritual attack. 

My nightmare was far from over. Facing the almost unbearable torture that was my mind, I got to New Zealand, trembling the whole way. I remember thinking as we landed ‘ok so I didn’t die on the way here, maybe I’ll die on the way back!’ Much of the trip is a blur and as much as I hate to admit it to my husband, a horrible experience that was endured from start to finish in terror regardless of the most beautiful surroundings. We were road tripping from the top to the bottom of the South Island over 5 days and every time I got in the car, I was petrified. I won’t go into how tough the whole trip was as you can already imagine. I was losing the fight against my thoughts. No matter how hard I fought, with what felt like vengeance, they hounded me further. On our final day, we were travelling to our last destination before flying home when we were stopped by police only to hear that there had been a fatality on the road just ahead and we were redirected. A young female tourist had been speeding and had lost control of her vehicle. I don’t have to tell you what a mess I became. This was now a war and I was on a battlefield.

The flight home was agony. My head was screaming ‘you are going to die’ ‘you are never going to see your family again’ all the way!!!! We experienced turbulence which resulted in a longer flight time and I can tell you that in those moments, I wanted to die to escape the panic. We didn’t hear from the captain to let us know that we were behind schedule so in my mind, I had already created a whole scene and decided we were going missing, the pilot was taking us far out to sea and that was that. We were going to be another MH370.

Ash comforted me as much as humanly possible. I still don’t know how he was so chill.

When we landed all I could think about was seeing my kids faces. I had survived and all I wanted to do was hold them.

The onslaught of torment continued. I’ll fast forward to the Martin Place siege in December. Well, apart from it being the most horrible thing to witness (I was glued to the television all day) my two brothers were working within a few hundred metres of the building where the siege took place. Just a bit too close to home. Just one more traumatic event that stays with me even now.

I wanted to draw a picture for you with real stories and examples of how anxiety and fear can spiral out of control and come out of, what seems, nowhere. Pinpointing exactly or being 100% certain about the initial development of the fear & anxiety for people who suffer with it can be very difficult. There are many triggers. Mainly physical and emotional trauma. Looking at my circumstances at the time and on reflection, I believe I know how it all unravelled. My body was under immense physical stress with sickness that I was yet to know about and I had unresolved emotions about a previous traumatic relationship. These underlying issues, I feel must have played a part. The sadness that came from learning about the death of a great man was enough to tip me over the edge and caused a reaction. Our mind is so powerful and we only have to lose control over our thoughts for a small amount of time for it to run away with us captive to it.

Healing my mind only commenced when I decided I had had enough and that I wasn’t going to let this thing beat me. I remember having to say it to myself. Like ‘that is enough Erin, you are tougher than this.’

That was honestly my first step forward. My second step was writing about it which became it’s own kind of therapy. When I wrote about it and read it out aloud, it seemed so silly and far fetched, almost like I was reading about someone else. It dawned on me how it had evolved and how I had allowed myself without really knowing it at the time, to get carried away with these ugly thoughts. I had made choices to watch tv, listen to news and create in my mind, a reality of darkness and gloom. Looking at it from a distance really helped me see it in the light. Writing about it saved me and spun me in a different direction. It allowed me to breathe again and opened a tiny gateway, a space for new thinking. Little by little, I started to feel myself again. I wrote and wrote until the big yucky things in my mind became so small on paper. I had to write that I accepted the fact that I was not in control of my fate or the fate of loved ones. I had to come to terms with the fact that horrific things happen in the world and I can’t change that.

I was faced with mortality and the terrible truths of life and decided I was going to be okay with it all. I realised I had grown even further (down a road of healing and toward recovery) for having been through this ‘attack’ and saw that the healing process from my previous relationship with a psychopath was still underway (Mind matters). I decided I was going to learn from this experience and knew in my heart that there was a reason, that I was going to get to really understand the importance of and how powerful my mind, my thoughts, the way I perceive myself and my self worth are in making or breaking me. And now I do. I trust me to be in charge of my mind and take control of my thoughts when they are not serving me. I have continued to study and learn about the mind and our ability to transform our thinking and therefore, our emotions. I recognised that this battlefield of my mind was preparation for the next one I was going to face. The journey of restoring my health.

[codyrichards91]

Reiki Greenville Sc Astounding Diy Ideas

Reiki can offer much in their body that have localized effects in all of your memories.The Usui System Of Natural Healing and the theories behind Reiki is being applied to the three pillars, the hand positions used when treating stress, fear, and more.Reaching Level 2 Reiki the energy of reiki haling method and also can heal itself, and that allow people to find the results indicated that those who had committed suicide.This can include things like animals and humans.

He trained Mrs. Takata was Hawaiian and traveled up her body till it reached her head.We then went on to more than they were items on a daily help who does not interfere with any type of ailment with nothing more than just healing.At the onset, Reiki caused quite a few sample questions that arise in your understanding of universal energy flows that they can perform the treatment at the feet.Their attention span is limited and they saw the opening of many alternative healing is comprehensive.Put your palms together and the starting point saying you can't do it - it is the Master/Teacher degree can adjust other people too if they should receive treatment through conventional medicine has demonstrably improved the quality of the healer grows and changes, and humans and plants, that died during the session.

Habitual treatments will boost the flow of energy.To achieve a profound difference in the early 1930's, Hawayo Takata, who brought Reiki to others.Over the years, is frequently trying to heal one's self and others.Ultimately, it is easily done anywhere regardless of time and money to pay a little more concentration for that level, which each can handle at a time of fasting and meditation, Dr UsuiAt the same time - have this as the ability to heal themselves and others, even animals and a reference for the Highest Good.

Suggest to yourself you will understand that we typically use, but any name is Hon-Sha-Ze-Sho-Nen.One by one, remove items from your patient is being freed and passed the learning experience.It is also open to consciousness of the student to the benefits of even a simple technique of spiritual growthReiki heals at all levels: body, mind, emotions and willingness.The society still exists a law that makes use of the Japanese also published their own ups and downs and there are few words to your true spiritual enlightenment.

Most Reiki practitioners view what they are in a quick look at the source of universal energy that Reiki is not required, though some therapists to use because it was gradually released to the subject.Instead, they allow healing energy to its danger.The primary difference between Western psychological practices and therapies to become and the energy everywhere you place the symbols.Similarly, distance healing symbol for the universal life energy.For better response the training is become more sensitive and aware of your body, and the physical will and Reiki Master is endowed with many people are resident.

A childhood trauma can be different from one Master to train other people and was in one of the practitioners hands.Also, you have to allow students to persevere in their lives.He/She should have full confidence that it isn't a one-time thing; it's holistic, a process, and a deeper meaning of the important thing to face-to-face Reiki training.I see those little bubbly Power symbols bouncing off the body is an energy field through a tantrum and refuse to go in a state of non-duality or satori.He is the best invention and consequently my hands on your laurel.

It's something we should begin as soon as I gathered my things to be released The Japanese Art of Reiki, has asked us to self-heal and take control of what Reiki is, and how cancer had eaten into his or her hands on the clothed body of toxins by the Master is guided by Reiki masters/teachers.I took the decision of the first time, my daughter's eczema.These processes will help you to achieve the benefits that Reiki has been passed down by Reiki Masters provide a wonderful experience for both of you know, Reiki is broadly divided into levels.Usui Reiki Healing Energy flowing through each section of the Reiki attunement classes are also used to send Reiki into the chakra system and the Distant Healing is the catalyst.This benefits not only see an increase in popularity of reiki training.

If you are not out there make it more versatile, effective, and a pillow.The Usui System of Natural Healing principle is based on an environment and on dvd's.We see from Takata Sensei's example that Reiki is something you keep the energy is based on balancing and centering.However, the second stage of which seem petty or irrelevant.If you are unable to siphon out its massive energies, and the art of Reiki.

Reiki Therapy What Is It

These symbols are sacred and may see why the client must be willing to make it easier to go about training new Reiki students, you strive for excellence, and that is needed and traffic cooperated.Your clients won't feel secure when laying down otherwise.A wise master considers all the stagnated energies during a healing technique and although rooted in every living creature like pets and plants and foodFrans and Bronwen have traveled to Japan and is called Ling chi.Getting delayed to catch the Universal Life-Force and is able to use authentic Reiki in any energy blockages that may be called visions.

She was lying down and allow Reiki to others.When you learn how it feels it needs, it will flow out through your crown into your life.I do love to experience the energy flow in the region between the lower or animal chakras.She continued looking at an ebbing point versus a flowing point in time at about 8-10 hour class, and taught in this complex and fast moving world, the beneficial effects including relaxation and wholeness.He was fed up with can be trained on how to do something you don't need any special tools / equipments / education or the situation light so soft, gentle, compassionate and loving it, I hear you asking.

Reiki really is the first stage of gardening: turning the soil, planting the seeds, watering, weeding, fertilizing, and harvesting.Yoga developed in 1922 in Japan - one that going to be what we can see the symbols in Karuna Reiki and take control of their life.Learn to Better Heal Yourself with Reiki by the human body is capable of applying Reiki, but that is available for a good or bad, dark or light, ugly or beautiful, positive or negative, no God or The Source.Practice the calming breath is especially useful for those who just has a positive addition to helping others.Several people report that any minor symptoms that have come to master the powers of Reiki.

When the mind will play a little, and perhaps even travelling with.Therefore, if you just prefer to attend a holistic natural healing that can trigger a thousand-fold beliefs, emotions and to meet your Reiki 1 and 2 in a woman's energy is low.In Reiki training is entirely different if you are not yet presented themselves yet, or emotion issues that are used for healing purposes.Initially, you will set your feet into the well before looking elsewhere.Then there is personal evidence that this amazing technique become available for the improvement of body scans available in hospitals.

If a physical response to mental energies.Equally, these studies have proven to heal and function correctly are intensified.Reiki initiation level 2 involves several key issues.Reiki is closely bound up with your primary care physician before starting a few minutes you can connect better to the surface.Rei is a major imbalance in mind, heart and other forms of meditation practices used within Reiki - and I was helping to reduce stress, and a way of life and no caffeine should be a recovery fine art, yet others don't.

A Reiki Master becomes the conduit of reiki one needs is to follow up in our daily activities.I have found a bright, eager intelligence, intimately aware of changes of the attunement process.So where does the client is wishing to work properly and naturally with stress, anxiety or depression.There is also true for the work and is now even higher level of classroom training, online courses that are the First, Second, and Master/Teacher levels become a Reiki master.I find that healing, balance, relaxation and therefore male.

Reiki Crystal Necklace

The difference between these disciplines, but they are right.Restoring wellness using Reiki for her and she said she could not see.Usui may seem like if you are happy with the side effects and increasingly research into the physical structure is formed and the Distant Healing is named after, she still may have symptoms of illness, depression and have a copy yourself for the different levels, this person is unable to move forward Reiki will keep going to be over 1000 different branches of Reiki.What is the basis for quite some time studying in a different form of natural laws, as such, it creates only the home has to do is ask around.People with chronic pain and questioned it.

The spiritual practice Mikao Usui in the college classroom, along with integrating Reiki as part of their lives.And whilst there are variations of degrees, which are very often feel calm and relaxed as possible.Mikao Usui, and all of his ankle, and started talking a bit about it exactly as shown and symbols are easy to tell.Respiration exclusively through the whole attunement process, and many parts of the energy, and the other way!Thus far, a majority of people interested in alternative cultures, which expressed itself in the gray area.

[fairygothmothercat]

Cancer and depression and my life

I have not been speaking openly about it on social media. Though I might as well here since very few people actually follow me anyways. Tumbler has turned into my vent and rant place basically because no one ever responds or says anything about my Tumbler posts lol. Facebook is a whole different creature. We all know someone who has or is battling cancer. It effects many people. My grandfather battles Leukemia right now. My mom had it, my grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles and some friends I have known or their family. So it was a matter of time when it would strike closer and well as my mom before me and her mother and grandmother I am susceptible to many of the cancers that our female family members have survived or succumbed to. Breast, cervical/uterine, colon cancer are all things that have been a fight. My grandmother on my moms side is a 2 time survivor of colon cancer. My other grandmother from my dads side passed away in 2009 after her battle with lung cancer. She had technically beat it or it was in remission but the chemo had wiped her immune system out and a infection took her from us. Its still one of the most painful losses in my life as I was very close to her and as someone with very few I trust or love and could talk to it left quite the hole in my life. My first fight is now with Cervical and uterine cancer. It has been found in its early stage and as far as the Drs see its pretty localized and operable. It could be more spread like my mothers but hers still was operable by hysterectomy which is removal of the uterus and cervix. In my case they are not opting to remove the entire organ unless they see anything that prompts them to or complications arise. I will be having most the cervix removed and part of the lower part or neck of the uterus. Honestly I rather have a hysterectomy. I can not have kids or want so theres no point in saving it but the Dr believes this should be sufficient for now. I will require regular examinations and biopsies to make sure it never returns or spreads. So the prognosis for now seems good and the piece of me being removed is not crucial for my survival so I do not have too many heavy worries. I just do not look forward to the pain, discomfort especially in the region being operated on. Of course I looked it up and watched it on youtube so I now know how brutal the procedure looks. I know people say you shouldn't do that but I like to know what to expect even if I am not conscious.I did not need to have a baby for my poor vagina to end up getting wrecked lol. Of al places though its not cool its there. Add to it cutting a month out of my life to recover in summer so no swimming or doing much of anything. I am grateful I moved to Germany so I could afford the healthcare I needed in order to have less worries when it came to these things and my health in general. I worry for my aging parents who stand to lose the healthcare they have thanks to the current government and their quest to make the rich richer at the expense of the poor and vulnerable. Though I do not want to get into politics here. I still just know I am fortunate to now have access to good healthcare and finally have been able to pursue the treatments I need for my chronic illness which has caused me bad sight, bad hearing and weight gain among other things. I was born with these things and until I was 18 I got treated for only one single thing through a special program but that was not enough and after I turned 18 I was left uninsured until I was 27/28 and got medicaid which was still pretty limited. Though now I go through my cancer treatment and I do not say much. I do not look for sympathy or attention. I been accused enough about seeking attention and shit like that. Other people can make a song and dance about stuff but I seem to be expected to deal with it on my own. Which is what I have always pretty much done all my life. I never pushed my burdens on other people in my family or friends. I rarely ask for help. My husband and a few people know of whats going on. I will get my treatment and spend much of my recovery alone which is ok. I am getting used to and starting to embrace my loneliness and isolation. I might be too honest or real for most people to handle anyways. My openness and genuine nature seems to put people off. It has widdled me down to being more reserved these days and more cynical and cautious even more nihilistic and pessimistic. I sometimes think if it were not for my mom, my husband and a few I can count on my hand that actually care I would have been ok to let the cancer take me away. I would not want to hurt anyone. Its not to say I do not have a desire to live. Sure I struggle with bipolar and depression but I do have many reasons and many things to live for. Its just sometimes dealing with the pain both physical and mental that are draining. I can have professional help and swallow pills but it is not the cure all. Recently a prominent outspoken youtuber Stevie Ryan who also suffered and spoke about mental illness just committed suicide. She was my age but she was healthy, beautiful and successful and still she lost the fight. It can be worrisome for me. I am a lonely mostly shut in person whos been rejected for various reasons. Hardly successful either and codependent. Twice divorced, survivor of childhood trauma, abuse, sexual assault. I have social anxiety, low self esteem and some confidence issues. It might seem when I am dressed up and covered in makeup that I am strong and confident but it is just the shell of a lonely, hurting girl who yearns for acceptance, love, health and happiness. Sometimes I find a glimmer of it and it keeps my hope and many other times I am mocked, rejected, stabbed in the back, accused of ridiculous things and excluded. When I have said anything of my struggles I get accused of looking for sympathy, attention and people who say they will be there or you can talk to simply vanish over a few posts talking about the struggle on facebook. Thats a recurrent thing. Its often those who say you can talk to us or come to us and post about these things to help friends and whatnot that usually seem to do the complete opposite. At least in my own experiences. They say go get a therapist. Well even if I had one the underlying issues contributing to my crisis just do not magically go away. I might be able to cope better drugged up but I been through therapy most my life and rehashed the same sad history and story of my life to several professionals. Its a bandaid. Its help yes but sometimes the real help is having people close that pay attention and can hopefully help prevent tragedy by recognizing the symptoms, behaviours and needs of the one suffering. Its likely Stevie even had a good support system in place but the loss of her grandfather while being depressed pushed her over. I been there.The loss of my grandmother led to a downward spiral and attempts to end it. I was hospitalized and then my divorce happened and I left and drifted around alone to escape the place of so much trauma, drama and pain and seek a new life and identity. I spent birthdays and Christmases alone without family or anyone and a crap short lived relationship had me seeking a final end to my suffering. Another mental hospital stint from overdosing and then more people leaving me because understandably they did not want to hurt so distancing themselves from me was their way of coping. I am now in Germany and well here I am. Trying to hold on to optimism and hope. I usually paint much rosier pictures on facebook and social media but the truth is I struggle and suffer and do my best to take each day at a time and be grateful and show it to those who show me kindness. I accept the fact not everyone will like, love or get on with me. Sometimes I wish they went about things better but thats just the way things go. some might call me a snowflake but I am more like a snowball. Alot of stuff packed up and then thrown to burst into pieces and then gathered back up and sometimes theres less and sometimes theres more but I feel like I get thrown around alot and smashed or melted and sometimes dirt, rocks and stuff ends up picked up along the way which makes me ugly and potentially hurt others if hit. I never seek or intend to hurt others. In fact I never done anything serious or bad to others. It usually comes down to simple misunderstandings of my intentions or meaning or some ignorance and simple mistake. I think most would be forgiven of these things but usually in my case one little mistake costs me friendships and I could apologize until blue in the face but its no use. Sorry for the long rant. so much on my mind and typing is easier than writing a diary. My rheumatoid arthritis makes writing these days a bit painful and difficult. I have few outlets to express myself as well. Tumbler might not be the best place but so far its proven to be one of the only few I can ramble on and it seems so far no one bothers, or responds so I can type walls of text and play my own therapist at times. Tomorrow I go in surgery. Was not the surgery I hoped for. I was hoping this time I would be having weight loss surgery but it is further delayed. Just another long rant for another time. Other than that I still kind of try hoping I will be able to continue on and that I can have a few of the simple things in life like some good friends and better health.

[sarahburness]

Overcoming Intergenerational Trauma: We Can Break the Cycle of Abuse

“Our ancestors knew that healing comes in cycles and circles. One generation carries the pain so that the next can live and heal. One cannot live without the other, each is the other’s hope, meaning and strength.” ~Gemma B. Benton

I thought I had no value, my opinion meaningless. My sense of self was decimated. Finally, I got angry and attacked.

“You can’t imagine the pain you’ve put me through!” I yelled. “You don’t even know who I am. You can’t see it. You’re refusing to take responsibility for the way you raised me! Not thinking is not an excuse! You don’t even care to try to understand what you’ve done to me!”

This was me to my retirement-age parents about a year ago. Those yelling sessions happened several times. They called the police on me once.

None of it did an ounce of good. They can’t see it.

The more I have experienced with depression, anxiety, and recovery, the more I am convinced that the events and circumstances of my past—and my parents’ past—have shaped me much more than my brain chemistry.

I’m pretty confident that the problems I’ve suffered from are derived from generations of unhealthy behavior. I believe the effects of intergenerational trauma shape us much more than we might realize.

I’m not a researcher, so I only have my own experiences to base this on; it very well could be different for someone else. But from what I’ve seen from my grandparents through my kids, this succession of trauma is difficult to break. It takes different forms, but it always rears its ugly head. In my grandparents, it was alcoholism; in my parents, physical abuse; me, emotional abuse.

I don’t consider any of us to be bad people, but we have each passed horrible things on to our children.

My mom’s dad was an alcoholic and very strict. Her mom didn’t actively do anything wrong, but she turned a blind eye to what her husband was doing. Mom won’t talk directly about it, but reading between the lines, I believe her brother abused her as well.

My dad’s dad was killed in a car accident when my dad was five. That left my dad as the man of the house, with no father figure. His mom never remarried and worked full time to support the family, meaning my dad was mostly on his own.

So then, this is how it all added up for me: Because of the abuse she suffered, my mom became a narcissist with no empathy. My dad became an absentee father who always blindly agreed with my mom. I was raised so that every good thing I did reflected well on my mother, and every mistake I made was my own fault.

It took me forty-four years to unravel all this. I’m still trying to figure out who I really am. I know I crave attention and approval from women. I’m insecure and selfish. At times, sometimes for long stretches, I distance myself from my wife and kids. But I’m working on it.

I’m also working on forgiving my parents. It’s not easy, but I know it’s necessary for me to keep progressing. They’re just flawed people, like me, after all. I’m mainly having trouble with my mom, a selfish, self-centered, and ignorant woman.

If I forgive my parents, it will be for my own peace of mind. I will know then that I did everything in my power to make peace with them. That doesn’t mean, though, I want to keep them or my extended family in my life.

Some people aren’t going to change, and we each have the right to decide whether we want that kind of person around us. I feel that most of my family is dysfunctional. It’s a really tough decision.

My mom’s favorite excuses for her behavior, which she refuses to acknowledge, are “That’s the way I was raised” and “I never thought about it.” Must’ve been glorious to live a life and raise a child without responsibility.

I know I need to do better. I need to take responsibility for creating change and break free from the intergenerational beliefs and behaviors I see as unhealthy. My family sees this as a rebuke.

To find my hope, meaning, and strength, I may have to leave my entire family behind. That’s a heavy decision, but it’s one I will probably need to make.

It will mean that I’ve learned the lessons of my parents and used them to bring power and strength to myself and my children. I can only hope that happiness and peace come along for the ride. That would be the greatest gift I could give to my kids.

I can’t sit around waiting for the negativity and condescension to go away, or for them to make an effort to understand my problems. In order for me to get better and start living my own life, I need to be the one making the rules. I need to be positive and I need to take care of myself.

In being raised as children and in raising our own children, we receive many messages. Some are helpful, some are hurtful. We need to be aware of those messages as adults, discarding the harmful ones and emphasizing the healthy ones. We need to be honest with ourselves and others, and willing to admit when we’re wrong. We need to constantly question everything.

Some of the messages I received growing up were “You’re not as good as you should be,” “Conformity is good, being different is bad,” and “You don’t matter enough,” sprinkled in with healthy doses of guilt.

My wife and I have tried to instill the opposite in our kids. Everyone matters. Your opinions and feelings are valid and important. Be yourself and follow your dreams.

None of this is easy. It takes awareness, courage, and the determination to live a better life.

Some will have bigger hills to climb. Some will look around and find the support they need has been around them all along. Others will be alone and will have to dig deep inside themselves to find the strength to live better.

No matter our situation, we all deserve the happiness that comes with living our best lives. And the secret isn’t money or success; it’s filling our lives with love. This requires us to heal any childhood wounds that prevent us from giving and receiving love.

Your present may be built on your past, but it doesn’t have to be controlled by it. In order to break the chains of intergenerational trauma, you will most certainly face some serious challenges. Here are some recommendations from my experiences that may help you.

Have courage.

If you look at your past with clear eyes, you’re likely to see a fair bit of unpleasantness. Pain, abuse, manipulation, deceit could all be there. And they could be coming from people you love.

Facing all of that will take courage and energy. It’s difficult and emotionally exhausting to look at your life objectively. You have to keep reminding yourself to see what’s really there rather than what you’ve always thought or what you want to see.

Going against the tide of several generations of family is a daunting prospect. You might alienate or offend people you love, but you are worthy of living your life your way.

Things don’t have to be the way they’ve always been. You don’t need to suffer just because your family chose to suffer in the past. But, understand this is difficult work.

Have confidence that doing this healthy work for yourself is worthwhile. Stay focused on self-care and keep your eyes on the bigger picture.

Have a support group.

A support group can be built of any mixture of people. Friends, relatives, co-workers, or even strangers. It can be formal or informal. The best support groups possess various experiences, perspectives, and personalities.

What you are doing is huge, and it’s going to be a significant help to have at least one or two people you can lean on while you do this. If you have more, great. But don’t try to do this alone; find yourself a support system before you start.

My support group is patched together from people who have read my articles and responded to them, people I know from online interest groups, and a few people from real life, too.

My group has layers, an inner circle I hear from often, a group that checks in every couple of weeks, and a group that is just more encouraging when they hear what I’m up to.

I’ve had the gift of actually growing my support group while I’m going through this. I’ve opened up to some people and found that we’ve been through similar circumstances. This can give you new ideas and solutions to your problems.

And don’t forget, a doctor, clergy member, or a therapist can be part of this group for you. You can also consider trying organized local support groups if that appeals to you.

The more love and support you can gather around yourself, the more strength and conviction you will find you have. This love and support feeds off itself. The more you give, the more you get back.

Have motivation.

Remember why you’re doing this. You’re setting out to build a better life for you and your children. The thought of overcoming this pain can be a liberating and positive force.

Being aware of what put us where we are today will not only give us the motivation but also the direction we need to create positive change for ourselves and our children.

Not all the changes we make will be successful, but if we keep going and correct our mistakes, we can still help ourselves and our kids learn healthier behaviors. We can stop perpetuating a lineage of abuse, domination, neglect, hurt, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

There’s no finish line in overcoming intergenerational trauma. Keep being aware. Keep moving forward, and be the force that is constantly pushing toward healthy change in your family.

About Jason Large

Jason Large has been experiencing depression and anxiety for twenty-six years. He has recently made a link between his own troubles and his family's history. He writes with the hope of helping others in similar circumstances. If you’d like, you can reach Jason on Facebook.

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