#//story

[warriorsofsplatsville]

Alterna, Part 1

“Hrrngh....gah.....”

Mirage slowly blinked themself awake, their vision blinded by white. Buddy, who was right next to them, was grabbing their tentacles and tugging on them to wake them up. 

When they finally lifted their head, they noticed that they were laying on snow. Yet...the snow wasn’t cold, or numbing. It felt like a powder underneath their fingers. 

Finally pushing themself off the ground, they held their pounding head as they looked up at the beautiful, blue sky.

Wait, what?

That was impossible, given that they all fell underground. There should be darkness, right?

They shook their head. That’s right, the others!

They looked around the landscape, and they were on one of the many small islands surrounded by water. The islands were absolutely covered in ruins unlike they had ever seen. Strange stone head, broken machinery, buildings protruding from the waters, and a massive tower in the center of it all, covered in that fuzzy ooze, and....a rocket?

“Miiiraaaaage!!” They heard someone yelling from a distance.

“H-Hey! I’m over here!!” They called back, scooping Buddy up in their hands and running in the direction of the voice. 

As they ran, they could feel the fake snow between their toes, and looked down at their appearance. All of their outer gear had been stripped away by the fall. They were only wearing the gear that was layered underneath. And they lost their shoes. Great.

They ran closer and closer to the sound of their name being called, and saw a bunch of people standing in front a of large orange building of some sort. It was elevated off the ground. 

They could recognize a few of them. Callie, Marie, Jesse, and Octavio. But there were three others that they couldn’t discern.

“Mirage! Hey! That’s your name, right?” Callie greeted them as they approach the group. “That’s what I heard Gramps call you, so...”

“Yeah, that’s me. Uh...by the way....” they gesture at.....everything around them. 

“Don’t worry, kid, we’re just as confused as you are.” Marie spun the umbrella in her hands around in a twirl. “We’ve never seen or heard anything like this before.”

"Great, how am I supposed to solve the missing Octarian crisis now?!" Octavio groaned. "Plus, my mech's busted, and I hit my head real hard..."

"Take it easy, Mr. Octavio!!" Callie chided.

Mirage directed their attention toward the three people they didn't recognize. An Inkling, an Octoling, and a....pupfish?

"Well, I'm glad everyone seems to be in one piece..." The Inkling shook his head.

"Who are-?"

"I'm Biela!" The pupfish piped in, cutting them off. "These are my friends, Dal, and Xïngxì!"

"We were down here already when we saw you fall..." Xïngxì, dressed in a large, puffy jacket, and donning a mask, added. "There were a lot of you who fell down, but....not all of them are here."

Mirage nodded. She was right. Sandy, Plat, Minu, as well as Cuttlefish and King Salomon were nowhere to be seen.

"There's a lot of islands here. We think they might've landed on them. As captain, it's my responsibility to make sure everyone's safe." Jesse sat down on a nearby crate. "...However."

"Hm? What's up, cap?" Callie tilted her head. "What's stopping us from getting to everyone."

"Take a look around, Callie." Marie pointed all around.

The entire area was absolutely covered in fuzzy ooze.

"Oh."

"This area has been relatively clean, up until about five years ago." Biela explained. "Trust us, we've been exploring down here a while....but the fuzz is new to us. We've been trying to figure out why, as well."

“Whatever the case, we’re trapped here unless we find a way to clear it out.” Jesse huffed. 

“There is a way.” Mirage said. 

“Huh?? There is??” 

“Buddy.” they lifted up the smallfry in their hands, and it gurgled in excitement. “It can eat the ooze and clear the way.”

“W- I’m not gonna question that right now, but that’s good! What’re you waiting for, New Agent Three?!” Marie exclaimed. 

“There’s one issue. It needs power eggs to do its job.” Mirage sighed. “Otherwise, it won’t be strong enough to eat it. And we used the last of them up there.”

Buddy suddenly perked up, and jumped onto the ground, scrambling away. “Hey, where are you going?!”

Mirage followed it a short distance away, and it began to jump, pointing at the ground in front of it. 

“Uh....” they lift up their hero shot and begin to shoot the ground that it was pointing at, hoping that’s what Buddy was referring to.

Suddenly, a capsule popped out of the ground. Mirage opened it and found a few power eggs inside. “Good work, Buddy! Way to use your sniffer.”

“Power eggs! Then we’re set, right? Please tell me we are.” Callie asked. 

“With ALL that ooze? Not nearly enough, but it’s a start. I have faith that there’s more stuff buried in the ground.” they stash it in the egg container they kept from above ground. “We got a lot of eggs when we entered those kettles...”

“Hey, isn’t that a kettle over there?” Dal pointed into the distance, and they all turned their attention to a covered kettle hiding in the snow. 

“Great eye, moon boy!” Biela chirped. 

“I bet you’ll find plenty of eggs in there, Mirage!” 

“Do you guys wanna help, or...”

“Urp! Well, you see....Captain Jesse, Marie and I provide confidence boosters! We don’t do a lot of fighting anymore these days.” Callie scratched her chin. 

They looked at Dal, Xïngxì, and Biela, and they began to stumble on their words as they try to come up with excuses. Mirage slumped their shoulders and sighed deeply. 

“Fine, I’ll do it myself. C’mon, Buddy, I have a feeling I’ll need your help.”

As they slip into the kettle, they could hear a faint “Good Luck!”

Inside the kettle was....weird. They ended up inside a chamber, and stepped on a platform. It immediately sprung up, scaring them half to death. 

“Welcome, visitor. Scanning....” a robotic voice spoke up, and a blue laser light began to scan their entire being. They stood still and held their breath. 

“Scan complete. Please say your preferred name clearly, recording now.”

“M-Mirage.” they quickly spat out.

“Misheard. Autocorrecting to....Agent Three.”

“Wha....how did you even get that....” 

“For all our new guests, we have a complimentary greeting and gift. I am ORCA, a system that guides our new visitors through each area. These are chambers to test your capabilities, to see if you are fit to live in Humanity’s Last Resort, Alterna.”

“Humanity? Alterna?” they questioned. They haven’t heard mentions of humans unless they were in history books, or on those late-night documentaries that they played in diners far out in the Splatlands. 

But regardless, they now knew the name of where they ended up. Alterna. 

Just where were they?!

“Now I shall give you the complimentary gift, Agent Three.” A robotic arm outstretched and attached a watch of some sort to their wrist, fastening it on. "This will be your portable guide. You will be able to see a map of Alterna and the places you visited before, weaponry upgrades, and are granted access to the Alterna Logs.”

“Logs...?”

“It is a collection of information I have gathered over the years since my initial existence began. You may find that some of the files have been corrupted, but by passing these tests, I should be able to restore them.”

“Um...alright.” They would have to look at it later.

“Another thing. Do not share this information with anyone outside Alterna.”

“Got it...”

“You are inside an equipper. You may equip weaponry from within here. Different types of weapons will be available to you depending on the chamber you find yourself. Most importantly....best of luck, Agent Three.” A beep plays, and ORCA seemingly has stopped talking.

“Thought it’d never shut up....” They groaned, deciding to equip their Hero Shot, as it was the only thing that was available here. 

It....was VERY weird in there. There were floating objects, upside-down buildings, Once again, the place was covered in hairy Octarians. It was particularly infested by Fuzzy Octotroopers. 

They comb through every area, checked every area. There seemed to be boxes full of power eggs hiding everywhere. They’d have to look thoroughly as they progressed, they mentally reminded themself.

At points, there were platforms they couldn’t reach. But luckily, they figured to toss Buddy over to access out of reach crates, switches, whatever they needed to access. 

Mirage could see the goal at the end. They push through the last of the Octotroopers, and shot the goal. The post assembled itself, and they touched it.

Level Complete!!

They were promptly rewarded with a large quantity of eggs.

When they popped back up, the seven people were waiting just outside. “Could you give me some space??”

“Sorry! Were you able to collect power eggs?” Jesse asked eagerly.

“Yep, just as I thought. There’s plenty of power eggs in the kettles, just like the surface.” Mirage scratched the top of their head. “I should have enough to clear out a few of those ooze piles with Buddy.”

“Just a few? Goodness....” Marie huffed. 

Octavio limped over and tried to peek over the mounds. “I....I think I can see more kettles. We can clear out the fuzz, then continue going into more kettles. We should be able keep a consistent flow of power eggs like this, and clear the area- hrnngh!” He held his side and doubled over in pain. 

“Mr. Octavio! Please don’t overexert yourself. There’s a cushion over there you can sit on. You might have to stay here and rest for the time being.” Jesse offered an arm for him to lean on, but the king refused.

“But....”

“We can handle the rest. We know this area well, so we can guide Mirage around.” Dal suggested. “The rest of you could stay here and hold down base?”

“Sounds good to us. We’re not very hands on anymore, like we said.” Marie shrugged. 

“You guys got this! We can keep in touch via radio!!” Callie cheered. 

“Alright, then let’s go.”

“Wait! Before you do...you three look really familiar. Do I know you?” Callie tilted her head. 

“Um....well, I don’t see why we have to hide it...” Xïngxì mumbled.

“Yep! We’re the famous idol group of Splatsville, Gravitational Pull!!” Biela pumped their fist in the air. 

“GRAVITATIONAL PULL?! But what are you doing down here?” Marie shouted. 

“We were searching for something down here. You see....one of us, Xïngxì, has connections with this place, and we’re trying to piece together her past.” Dal spoke. 

“I see...”

“Let’s stay focused.” Mirage began to walk away. 

“H-Hey, wait for us!!”

-

The area was mostly cleared. The kettles have been explored, the fuzzy ooze was cleared, and Mirage and Buddy dug up all the capsules they could find in the ground. They only had one pile left.

“We have a lot of power eggs now. Let’s clear this mess up.” 

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!”

The four were interrupted and turned around to see three people standing on the hill above them. It was pretty clear to all of them who it was, despite them wearing masks.

“You’re not getting the treasure before us!!”

“Treasure?” Mirage huffed. 

They pulled off their masks, showing their faces. “Yeah! This place is SO big and mysterious, there’s bound to be treasure ripe for the plucking!!” Frye exclaimed. 

“So don’t even think about laying your hands on it.” Shiver added. “Or else....”

“Not threatening at all...” they muttered. 

“Ayy?! Ay AY!! (Wait! Gravitational Pull?! What’re you doin’ here?!” Big Man yelped. 

“We’re searching for stuff.” Dal crossed his arms. “Huh. I didn’t take Deep Cut to be the thieving type.”

“Hello?! Singing is just a side gig! We’re bandits!!” Frye laughed, pointing at him. “So you’re looking for the treasure too?!”

“I...I guess...?” Xïngxì spoke softly. “Just anything to help me remember...”

“Then I suppose this makes us rivals. You’ll regret this, space cronies.” Shiver snapped, waving their fan over their mouth. “A shame. I thought we’d be good friends since we got along so well during the interview.”

“Ay!! Ay!! (A race to the treasure!! Whoever finds it first wins!!)” Big Man challenged them.

“Fine! A race!!” Biela flashed a fierce smile. 

“Until next time....Catch Ya Later!” Deep Cut sung in unison before throwing a smoke bomb and disappearing in the cloud. 

“Don’t I get a say in this...I’M the one risking my neck to get us all out of here.” Mirage grumped. 

“Sorry!  A treasure hunt is on the table now!” Callie chipped in from the radio. 

“Of course it is...anyway, let me clear this up.”

Once Buddy ate the last of the fuzzy ooze, a tunnel was revealed. When Mirage pulled open the hatch, a draft could be felt from within the pipe. 

“I guess that’s our way to the next island....” Mirage said.

“Right! Let’s go!” 

[chongoblog]

Me, after forgetting to cut the top off an onion before dicing it: “Aw dammit”

The Gordon Ramsey that lives in my head: “Don’t worry there, this mistake isn’t going to ruin anything. No need to be too hard on yourself”

Me: “Wow, that’s…not what I was expecting”

Gordon: “Of course, you ought to know by now that I don’t shout at cooks just to do so. I do it because the people in hit television show Kitchen Nightmares are putting their services out into the public and claim to be good enough to have the title of head chef. You’re just some guy in your twenties making beef stroganoff for yourself and your roommate. I’m kind of a dick, yeah, but I’m not gonna scream at you for a minor mistake like this”

Me: “Oh….well…thanks”

Gordon: “You’re welcome…cunt…”

[who-canceled-roger-rabbit]

Some spins on the "mostly male team with a token woman" trope:

The woman is trans and stayed in her old circle of bros even after transition

The woman is the only one in her circle of "girls" who didn't turn out to be a trans man

[smokiedokie]

I opened my copy of The Tale of the Body Thief & immediately had to close it again because of this silly little annotation

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

License to Kitty.

[newlevant]

Preview of Sam Long’s story, drawn by the amazing Cynthia Yuan Cheng! (@cynthiaycheng, cynthiaycheng.com)

Becoming Who We Are Kickstarter ends Dec 14! Preorder now to help us fund the book!

bit.ly/becomingkickstarter

[bloodraven55]

i’ve seen too many people arguing that marcille was already a full grown adult when she went to school at 35 despite literally all of the canon evidence indicating otherwise

[mimimar]

the woman who holds the moon

prints available here. my cover for this month's issue of baffling magazine.

[foldingfittedsheets]

Every sales job I’ve worked has that one item. The white whale. The biggest ticket you can sell. The sale you brag about when you’re chatting with other industry people.

When I sold mattresses it was a split king adjustable base. That’s two twin extra long mattresses next to each other to make a king, but each side can move independently. They’re insanely expensive and honestly kind’ve impractical but it was the biggest ticket thing to sell.

When I sold sex toys though our white whale was the 20lb ass. It was a female pelvis, a cut out from the waist to the tops of the thighs. It was hyper realistic material and cost about $500. I definitely had bigger tickets but not in one item typically.

In my time at the sex shop, I sold three. Each time was completely different in terms of how the guy acted about buying it. The first man was a little embarrassed and shy about it. I was professional and supportive as I rang it up. Once I handed him the receipt he looked at the box. Then he looked at me.

If you’ve ever wondered how big a box has to be to fit a 20lb ass let me just tell you: it’s pretty damn big. It’s an uncomfortably large armful of box and every side has a picture of the sex toy inside on it. It’s not subtle.

“Could I get a bag….?”

There was no bag that existed that could possibly contain all that ass. “Hang on,” I told him.

I got scissors and tape and covered the box in cut up black bags. Looking relieved he picked up his purchase and left.

The next man to buy one carried it proudly to the counter; self assured and not embarrassed in the least. When I said I didn’t have a bag, but I could wrap it for him he gave a hearty shrug and hefted it into his arms, marching out the door with the butt on full display.

The last man to get one was just kind’ve an odd guy. Not creepy, but eccentric. We got along great, and as I rang him up I said, “Well one guy wanted his taped over, and one guy carried it out. What would you prefer?”

“There’s no bags?”

“No store bags. I think our jumbo trash bags in the back might fit it….?” It seemed rude to suggest putting a $500 item into a trash bag, but he wasn’t bothered.

He considered this then said, “Bring me the trash bag.”

When I delivered it to him he still managed to surprise me. Instead of shoving the huge box into it he opened the box. He took out his new $500 sex toy, and all the little things it came with, tipping them unceremoniously into the trash bag.

“There! Now I don’t have to deal with the box later!”

I was slightly stunned but agreed that I could easily deal with the trash. Then in a move I still think about with delight he flung the trash bag over his shoulder like a Santa with a sack full of ass and sauntered out the door.

If this or my other escapades made you laugh you could pop a tip into my Ko-fi! For more like this check my tag "ffs foibles".

[breakingjustxn]

well i mean, not wrong // credits: @screamingemonight on Instagram

[warriorsofsplatsville]

Epilogue

“....Is this thing working?”

“I can hear ya alright.”

“Okay, good.”

-

It’s been a long time, huh? Things have been pretty crazy in the Splatlands as of late. But it all turned out pretty good in the end. The King of the Salmonid Kingdom ended up reuniting with his family, so that’s good for them…

As you might’ve heard, ever since the incident, Grizzco Industries has been in a tricky situation. However, since Grizz was…handled, as you might say, it’s been taken over by an anonymous fellow and Gravitational Pull. They’ve been bringing back the stolen eggs to their rightful families in Salmon Country. It’s tricky though, they can’t just shut down the business that’s been paying for people’s bills, so it’s more like…a game, though the employees don’t know that. They collect the eggs, but then the eggs are directly returned safely to their families. It’s an honor to have your kid be collected in a Salmon Run, ironically. 

There’s also these noble Octolings that have gained a newfound respect in their home, so I feel happy for them.

A young Inktoling girl apparently got in trouble with her parents for running off, or so I heard, but she’s back in town, so I suppose she’s here to stay. 

Not sure where that Ambys lady disappeared off to, but she’s no longer causing trouble, so I guess I can’t complain.

Octavio’s just glad to have his people back, so is his wife, and apparently that young captain is going to try and propose to his girlfriend. I commend that…

Agents 1 and 2 - or the Squid Sisters, as they’re known by dropped a new song. I’ll admit it, they do know how to make good music. That’s all I can report on, really….

“Hang on. What about you?”

“Eh?”

“I didn’t just call you up to hear about everyone else’s problems, you know. Tell me what YOU’VE been doing after the fact.”

“Yeesh. Fine, you’re so needy. Let me see if I can get the camera working.”

“Wow, you actually look somewhat presentable! Like a true leader.”

“Says the head of the scientist team.”

“So??”

“I’ve taken over operations down here in Alterna, since no one else is occupying this place now…I’ve been trying to make this place more inhabitable, restore it to its former glory. FINALLY came up with a chemical solution to put an end to this ‘toxic snow’, and now it’s just rebuilding the islands and all that.”

“That’s more than I can say about myself. I’ve just been sitting on my ass.”

“You know Greg, I…used to think that living was pointless after waking up post-flood. But it’s not too shabby here, all things considered. I think I might get used to this.”

“Haha, have fun with that. I’ll consider dropping by some time, see how much you’ve done with the place, Trev.”

“Yeah….ugh, jeez. Biela’s practically knocking my door down. I have to go.”

“Alright, alright….catch you later, Professor Trevor.”

“Same to you, Professor Gregory.”

[wasabi-gumdrop]

local ladies man’s signature move totally useless against autistic monster enthusiast. more on Kabru’s fumble era at 6

[lesbxdyke]

I could think of no better way to share the news than this!

So when I was 17, my cat went missing and I'd given up hope of ever seeing him again.

Until on Monday, 27th of May, 2024, my friend sent me a FB post asking 'isn't that your mother?' about the person named on the microchip.

Here he is! 16 years old, and found safe, twelve whole years after he went missing!

Yesterday (Tuesday the 28th of May, 2024) I went to the rescue that had him, and I reclaimed my boy, renaming him Artie! (He'd originally been called 'Cat' because my mother and I couldn't decide on a name)

He's home safe with me now, currently inhabiting my bathroom and purring up a storm every time someone goes in there!

I'll be doing slow introductions between him and my current cat to give them the best possible chance of living in harmony!

Here's some pictures of Artie once we let him out of the carrier:

[charlesoberonn]

[liquidstar]

If my mom sees a significant amount of blood she gets lightheaded, and has fainted on some occasions. Once it happened when we were kids, I wasn't there to witness it but I heard the story from my dad. Basically my brothers, around 7 or 8 at the time, were playing outside while my mom was making their lunch, and she accidentally cut her finger. It wasn't anything serious, but it drew a fair bit of blood and she passed out. My dad saw this and rushed over, but he didn't really know what to do so he just sort of started slapping her to wake her up (not recommended, but he had no idea and panicked)

At that exact moment my brothers both came in from playing, and all they saw was our mom unconscious on the floor and our dad slapping her. So, like, without even saying a word to each other they both just INSTANTLY start whaling on him, like, full blown attack mode to defend our mom. Which obviously didn't help the situation, but she did wake up and everything was fine.

Now our dad says that he's actually really glad they attacked him over what they thought was going on, because it means he raised good boys. And I still think that's true, they're very good boys.

[filiseverus]

The Barbie movie reminded me about how when I was little my parents were upset that I kept making my Barbie dolls kiss, so they bought me a Ken doll. The next day they found me having a funeral for poor Ken in the garden, he had died of tuberculosis. All the Barbies were in attendance and I buried him under our rose bush. The Barbies were too poor to afford a headstone (it was 1875) so I didn’t mark where the grave was and I never could find him again. He’s probably still there.