#[disclaimer that if you find that type of thing helpful that's completely fine]

[unusualshrimp]

hmm gender thoughts

[dnfao3tags]

Finding Deleted Fics: A Multi-Method Guide

i feel like we are the fandom who needs this post the most any fandom has needed it ever.

all of these methods require you to know the title, author and/or link of the fic.

[disclaimer: the fic i am using as an example is not deleted, i just can't think of any other fics to use as an example right now.]

Method #1: Wayback Machine

this is my go to method that i always try first.

steps:

every fic on ao3 has a url of archiveofourown.org/[specific-numbers]. you're gonna need that url, doesn't matter if it doesn't work anymore.

eg.

2. now you're gonna go to archive.org and enter your url in the search bar.

3. something like this will come up. it probably won't be saved as many times though, just once or twice.

just click any of the links now, either the dates marked blue on the calendar or the earliest/latest date. that's it.

drawbacks:

often, a problem arises when searching for fics rated mature or explicit.

the site will have archived this page but not the actual fic. though, maybe lady luck is on your side and clicking proceed will lead you to a saved version of the actual fic. but usually not. and not all fics are saved here. in those cases, i have some more methods.

Method #2: Search Engine Cache

search engines like google and yandex often save a cached version of sites, though yandex is much more reliable than google. i'll give you a tutorial for both.

steps (yandex):

the link isn't completely necessary, just the title and author of the fic will suffice.

go to yandex.com and search for your fic by either entering the url or entering the title and author as such.

3. this will probably immediately come up.

just enter the captcha and it should let you in on the first go but there's a glitch i've encountered where you could be entering the captcha completely correct but for some reason the site still won't let you in. for that, you just have to keep trying again and again until eventually the site lets you in. might take more than 10 tries.

4. once you're in, search results will pop up. directly clicking them will only lead you to the not found page. what you're gonna do is hover over the box of the search result and you'll see 3 dots pop up on the right.

click those and a dropdown menu will appear. click the first option 'saved copy'.

and thats it! this is a much more efficient method especially for explicit or mature fics.

drawbacks:

for some reason, when i open yandex in google chrome, i can't see the 3 dots. i can in firefox though. don't really know what thats all about.

i'll show you how to do it with google too just in case yandex doesn't work.

steps (google):

in the url bar, type cache:[link of fic]. that's pretty much it. google doesn't have a lot of fics saved though so you'll probably get a 404 page.

Method #3: Reddit

there's a subreddit called r/DeletedFanfiction that can probably help you out. either search for the fic as it may have already been posted or req it and someone will probably get you a google drive link soon enough. u/throwthisaway11112 is my lord and savior.

afaik it's still up and running fine despite the reddit protest thing (which i recommend taking a minute to look into).

Method #4: Archive.org Database

okay, now you're gonna need a lot of memory on computer for this one. i'm not gonna even bother and try to explain it, i'll just link you to the original post. thank you once again to the anon who sent me this method!

Method #5: Fandom

if absolutely none of those methods work, you can still just send me an ask and maybe my followers or i will have a saved copy. same for any other fandom, i recommend asking around in popular fandom spaces, someone is bound to have it.

[softomegaposting]

in honor of my backache from sleeping in my nest on the floor last night (a hardwood floor covered with a sheepskin and a throw blanket) i wanna talk about nest mattresses! in real life and worldbuilding. disclaimer that my knowledge comes from mostly online so it’s probably not completely accurate.

so! cool floor beds i found that would make good nest bases.

the type of bed i could find the most on online is the Japanese futon. it’s what the western futon/sofa bed was originally modeled after but it’s very different. it’s basically a very thin mattress (shikifuton) over tatami mats (rush grass outer layer with a foam or rice straw core). both parts are much more moveable than a western style mattress. another important consideration i think is relevant is that futon covers go all the way around the mattress and can be washed (unlike western sheets which leave the bottom of the mattress uncovered which if it’s on the floor can get gross). futons are also meant to be aired out in the sun, which helps the whole dust thing.

another cool bed type i found are montessori-style house beds. they’re typically used for young children (toddlers and preschoolers) but do come in larger sizes (the biggest i’ve seen is a full). the bed frame sits directly on the floor with a thin mattress and a wooden house-shape on top that can support a canopy/curtains (which would be super cool for a nest lets be real). some also come with bed rails and bumpers so little kids don’t fall out, which i think would also be good for a nest because it’s more cozy.

of course i must mention the “human dog beds” which gained popularity in 2022 from going on shark tank but i remember first hearing about them around 2015-ish (and of course going that would make a great nest!). it is what it sounds like.

another, probably the cheapest option here, is camping mattresses. you know what these are. super thin air mattresses with foam tops. some come in double width (better for a nest imo) but most of them are made of that terrible slippery fabric (good for camping, bad for everything else). this might not be a problem for most people but i’m autistic and i gag touching them. you could cover it with a rug or blanket but those might slip off of it due to the gross slipperiness of the fabric. idk.

the last thing i can think of are traditional mattresses that are just. thin. you could use a mattress topper but a real mattress would definitely feel better even if they’re the same height because real mattresses have a comfort layer and a base layer and a topper only has the comfort layer (=more back pain for you). consider: dorm mattresses (at least my dorm had them, and it made an amazing nest), rv mattresses, and trundle mattresses. they’re all basically the same thing just different keywords (and slightly different sizes for the rvs). my sister has slept on a 4 inch mattress for six years or so and she only occasionally complains of back pain but for occasional use it would be fine (she also has scoliosis so. could be that).

now for some quick worldbuilding notes:

i definitely think that in an omegaverse society nest mattresses would be common. i think they would mimic traditional mattresses but shorter, like rv mattresses, but have an all-around washable cover/sheets to protect from floor grossness, sort of like dorm mattresses but able to be washed more easily. i also think they would come in more square or round shapes instead of the typical rectangle twin shape. i can see them having folding capabilities like some rv mattresses do, so that people could sun them like futons to get rid of dust mites.

i can also see nest frames being a thing, sort of like the montessori bedframes, with pillow bumpers to make a more enclosed vibe. i can also see a huge market for both frame-mounted or ceiling-mounted canopies, because who doesn’t want that.

maybe houses would be built with specific nest areas in mind, maybe with softer floors like tatami vibes or carpet. i’ve heard talk about conversation pits which are absolutely so cool but i can also see the advantage in an elevated nest space. my favorite nest of all time was in a ceiling cabinet because i could see the whole room but was harder to see myself, which made me feel really safe. so maybe houses might be built with raised nest platforms, or even small ceiling lofts overlooking a larger room (i couldn’t find an exact picture of what i’m thinking but this is close:)

[olderthannetfic]

I do think the disclaimers from authors about NOT ENDORSING!!!! certain behaviors in fics is pretty funny, but I’ll admit I do it too. Oddly I only put warnings for abuse of the self, not the abuse of others. I write a fair bit of fic that “romanticizes” (or seems like it does) suicide/self harm/eating disorders to the point where it can almost be a tutorial of how to do it if I’m graphic enough. So in those I normally just add dead dove tags and put a disclaimer about how the trigger warning is no joke and you shouldn’t do the things that the characters do in the fic. It’s not like a Lifetime Movie end credits where the authors note is filled with hotlines and stuff, just a quick little note that, hey, yeah, if you’re considering this, don’t do it.

Oddly, I don’t think that behavior comes from fandom itself but rather from a completely different corner of the internet — when I struggled with the same stuff that I write about, it was pretty common for everyone’s bio to say that they “don’t promote” or they’re “not pro” and I guess old habits die hard. (Whether or not certain types of depression/SH/ana blogs etc really DONT promote or those words are just a please-don’t-ban-me card is a completely different discussion.)

It’s pretty ironic actually because when I’m on the other side of things (as the reader), reading about it is really cathartic in fic, but triggering (not in a fun way) in “real” books. Like there’s several books I had to DNF or shelf because it got to be too much, but oddly enough fic actually helps me a lot.

WOW that was all way heavier than I intended to get when I first started typing this ask! But yeah, that’s my own personal relationship to “I do not endorse” and I didn’t realize how odd it actually is until I started reading some of these other asks! I don’t think any type of “this is bad, actually” authors note is ever necessary honestly, but I also don’t think they’re that big of a deal — if a note from the writer about how they’re ~totally against the “bad” thing they’re writing about~ really takes you out of the fic that much, I don’t understand that either…it’d be one thing if they rambled on and on but even then I don’t think it’s that big of a deal 🤣 Annoying maybe but no one is required to read the AN.

My general threshold is “would a movie/podcast/real™️ book have a similar Viewer Discretion Adviced notice? If so, your A/N is likely fine and not virtual signal-ly or OTT at all.”

--

Heh. I think you're assuming a very different type of PSA from what other people are.

From what I've read, self-harm, suicide, and disordered eating are some of the topics that are a bit Monkey See, Monkey Do. Even support group discussions may increase the desire to cut, for example. It's still not 1:1, and we should be able to make art about serious topics, but a PSA doesn't feel totally absurd here. There are plenty of scientific studies showing measurable increases in people hurting themselves IRL after consuming certain material. Even if you did include a hotline, most people's objection is like "That number isn't valid for where I live", not "No one should ever do this".

I think if you polled people, you'd find that many of the PSA-haters are actually totally fine with "Hey, this fic contains serious depictions of mental illness. Make sure you're up for that today." and similar warnings.

But what people are actually talking about in 99% of "PSAs suck" discussions is rape fantasies.

Some clown writes a fic that is blatant fap material for people who like bodice ripper ravishment, and then they plaster it with "Rape Fantasies Bad" commentary that shows that they're judging themselves and their readers in a puritanical way that's a mega-buzzkill, completely out of keeping with the tone of the fic, and completely out of keeping with the actual scientific evidence.

Rape fantasies are commonplace and not a big deal, and to the extent that any depictions are demonstrably harmful, it's things like mainstream Hollywood movies reinforcing very standard cultural narratives, not somebody's sex pollen fic that's probably full of "It's so wrong, so why is it so hot???" anyway.

[purecantarella]

Too Little, Too Late

who missed meeee? HAHAHA but yeah, finals have come to a close and i now have a significant amount of free time!! so i will be back for the next week or so before the beginning of the next term kicks up but since i've been going through my own heartbreak as of recent, yall have to feel it with me HAHAHA enjoy lovelies!! update to this, not super heartbroken anymore and i might just wind up with this girl, so pray for me. shin yuna x reader ; chou tzuyu x reader disclaimer/s : nothing much, i had to change this disclaimer cause i ended up writing a fluff piece rather than the angst it shoulda been but there's a hint of angst if you squint.

If you were asked just what you liked about her, you’d stare off and just be in awe of Shin Yuna’s whole being. The way she smiled, the way she made others feel, the way she dressed, the impeccable way her eyes would shine when she spoke.

It was just so perfectly her.

While others called her flighty, a loose cannon ready to leave at the drop of a hat, you looked passed that. You saw her at her best and loved her at her worst. You knew why she was the way she was.

You’re her best friend after all.

“Hey!” She cries while wrapping her arms around your neck, permeating the music blasting in your headphones. Any normal person’s response to that would be immanent shock or to be confused, but you were used to her antics at this point. You smile warmly and lay a hand on her forearm before pausing your music. “Hey yourself, your manager was up all night calling me asking where you were.”

A faint sense of bitterness rumbles in your chest as you face her, “I wondered the same thing if I’m honest.”

She giggles cutely before shrugging, “Here and there, you know how it is, N/n.”

You roll your eyes, a hint of jealousy in the action but it goes completely unnoticed. As it always does. Yuna’s always been the type to go out without a word to her managers or the rest of the girls, choosing that it’s better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission. Which lead you to often lie to her managers, telling them you were with her all night.

“So, N/n, my sweet girl, my partner in crime,” Her rattling off makes your heart melt ever so slightly but when that cheshire grin pulls up on her lips you know she means trouble. You shake your head with an adamant look on your face, you say, "Nope, I know what that look means."

She sighs dramatically before falling into your lap. You can't help the smile tugging on your lips, because even if she's a world-renowned idol, she was still this silly little kid. And you adored her for it. "It's a company party and Yeji and Ryujin are going together, Lia and Chaer are bringing separate dates, would you really want me to be going alone?" Yuna looks up at you with a pout and the softest eyes imaginable, completely obliterating whatever self-control you have.

You breathe a deep sigh before leaning back on your arm, running your hand comfortably through her long dark locks. Paying special attention to her bangs that began to grow out. The singer smiles under your touch as you mutter, "You are an agent of chaos, Yuna."

"That's not a no." She retorts sing-songy, letting her eyes slide shut for a moment. You laugh gently, and for a moment you allow yourself to take her in. The soft features she has, just how loudly your heart was beating in that moment, and how the afternoon wasn't so unbearable when she was here with you.

It was stupid that you couldn't say no to her, but there was no way she would have it any other way. "Fine, I'll go to your stupid party." A satisfied smile breaks onto her face as she cracks one eye open slightly, "I'm happy."

"I can tell." As you pull your hand away to try and look at your phone, Yuna's hand finds yours. You eye her curiously before she places it back atop her head. "Don't stop doing that, it..." She trails off for a moment, her voice becoming small, "It's comforting."

Your heart stops for a moment, before you smile down at her, both her eyes now open as she smiles the way she does. Her eyes bright and warm as stars, the afternoon just drifting away. All you can think in the moment is how radiant she looks under the light of the sun and just how lucky you were to have her in your lap.

Even if it were just as a friend.

The night of JYPE's ball, you anxiously stood in front of the off-site stylist's mirror. It was odd seeing yourself in a suit or a turtleneck, it wasn't often that you were given the opportunity to wear anything like it, much less how expensive you knew the items were. You sported a dark blue suit jacket over a black turtleneck with matching black slacks and dress shoes.

You stared at Yuna getting her make-up done from behind you, laughing and joking with staff and Chaeryeong who sat beside her. You couldn't keep your eyes off her, and it was becoming more and more difficult to hide. Chaer's date siddles up to you with a gleeful look on their face, "Someone's looking rather smashing."

You smile and pull the high neckline away from you, "Are these supposed to be that itchy?" You ask with a genuine look of discomfort. They laugh and pull at their own collar. "Well, we are walking in with Itchay."

You roll your eyes and push their shoulder gently, "You're awful." They smile at you with a toothy grin, "But now for the big reveal?" You feel a pang of nervousness before you're abruptly turned around and you hear Chaer's partner ask, "Ladies, don't we just look stunning?"

Their conversation is broken the moment you both turn around. Chear, unable to hide her excitement jumps up from her chair and embraces her partner, spewing compliment after compliment between kisses. You smile as you stare at them, wishing Yuna would give you the same attention.

But what you got was somehow better.

You look over at her and see a dumbstruck look on her face as stares you up and down with a shy smile on her face. She excuses herself from her make-up artist and saunters up to you. Before you know it she's in front of you, fixing the lapels of your jacket wordlessly. Hand snaking around your neck until both hands are interlocked behind your head.

"If I'd known I'd be walking in with the most dapper gentlewoman I've ever laid eyes on, I would've dressed up a bit more." You chuckle and wrap your arms around her waist. You raise a testing brow, "Dapper? Never thought I'd ever hear that from you..." You pause as she stomps her foot while whining, but before she can fully pull away, you pull her closer, "And you don't need to dress up when you're next to me. This is me keeping up with you, bareface, full face of make-up, or whatever."

There's a silence in the room as Yuna stares up at you with soft-eyes and while you break-down internally, thinking you said the wrong thing. Then her face breaks into that bunny smile you adore so much, adorned with a light coat of blush that you can't make out if it was there before she got up or not. Her hands unclasp and pinch your cheek hard, "You're an idiot, N/n."

You laugh nervously before she turns around and sits in her make-up chair again, talking to the make-up artist and stylist. You stand there dumbfounded and feel a sense of loss when she lets you go. Chaer looks over at you once she'd finished gushing, and whispers, "You did great, just give her a minute to figure everything out."

You smile at her, disappointment resonating in your chest, "Yeah, but I don't know if I have a minute to spare anymore."

A couple hours and about a million photos for their Instagram, you found yourself in the middle of a party with aspiring stars and some of the most recognizable face in Korean pop music standing with you waiting for their drinks. You were there primarily to get a breath away from Yuna, someone who was supposed to be your best friend.

Who you promised to sit next to and whisper random gossip you'd heard or seen across the room. But after the debacle in the dressing room and how much it muddled your sense of self and how much you felt for her, you needed a break.

The bartender walks back and forth trying to get everyone's orders right, "Excuse-Can I-? Fuck it this is pointless." You grumble to yourself as you take the napkin in your hands, tearing it to little shreds.

"Yeah, they can be brutal on guests they don't know by face or name." A voice called from behind you. You turned and saw the face of the youngest member of TWICE, Chou Tzuyu herself. You blush seeing her this close, you'd always confided in Yuna that you found her the most attractive of the members of TWICE after a long drunken night on the phone. To which Yuna cussed you out and laughed.

You never thought you'd get to see her in person.

You gulped as she walked up to the bar, catching the barkeep's attention. He attended to her immediately, "A mojito and..." She trails off looking at you, you nod to the man, "Whisky on ice, please." He whips them up almost instantly, and it wasn't long before they were both in your hands.

You smile tipping your drink towards her. "Thanks, I really needed a drink to handle tonight." Tzuyu nods solemnly, before taking a sip of her own drink, cringing a bit at the taste. You laugh as you take your own sip. "Stronger than you thought?"

"No- I mean, yes?" You laugh again, staring at the singer with a quirked brow, "I saw that you needed help with the bartender and I wanted to sound cool, the other members usually order a drink for me." She says with a light flush over her tanned cheeks, you feel a flutter in your chest as she does.

You smile before nodding off to the balcony, "I think some fresh air would do me some good," You pause as you watch her face falter a little. "Care to join me?"

You were absolutely right.

The night air did you so well, and being around Tzuyu definitely helped. She was easy to talk to and even when you'd both finished your drinks, you didn't want to leave. She told you an assortment of stories about what happens behind the scenes. How Dahyun and Momo are almost always late cause they're too busy with each other, Nayeon and Jeongyeon's arguments in the morning, and how she and Sana got together. It twinged you a little to know your bias was taken but she just seemed so happy.

"Short to say, Nayeon-unnie was not very happy about the compilations of Jeongyeon-unnie with Jihyo-unnie." The young woman finished as you cracked up.

"I didn't realize just how jealous she was." Tzuyu shakes her head with a goofy smile. "There's a lot you all don't see, which sometimes I think is a good thing." She says again quietly, you look at her.

With a small gust of wind of wind takes you both by surprise. Tzuyu shudders under the cold blow and wraps her arms around herself. Mindlessly, you take your suit jacket off and drape it over her. She looks at you, her cheeks an embarrassing shade of red which makes you smile.

"Sana's lucky to have you." Tzuyu smiles up at you before the glass doors of the balcony open up. Revealing an disheveled and irritated looking Yuna. She grins at Tzuyu with a sickeningly sweet smile. Your eyes go wide before you look down at your phone screen. You'd told her you were going to get a drink almost an hour ago.

Tzuyu stifles a giggle before nodding of to you, "I have to go, N/n. I'll just get your number from Yuna then?"

You were fully aware of what she was doing, you nod off before she pushes away from the railing with her empty glass in hand. Before she can walk in though, Yuna clears her throat, "Unnie, Y/n's jacket please."

The older woman chuckles and slips off the jacket, gingerly placing it in Yuna's open palm. Your best friend's gaze never wavering, baring imaginary holes into yours. Yuna rattles off before Tzuyu can even get into the building, "I've been looking for you for the past half hour, Y/n."

The older woman pulls a sour face and shoots you finger guns, mouthing, 'good luck' before finally closing the door behind her. "I've just been here, Yuna. Socializing. Isn't that what you wanted?" You ask pointedly, spinning the empty glass in your hand.

"What I wanted was for us to be here together." She pauses taking a step closer. "What I wanted was for my best friend to be with me, smiling and chatting with me. Not sneaking off to a secluded spot to make out with her bias."

You laugh, completely blown away by Yuna's outlandish statements. "Did it look like I was anywhere near doing that?!" You call out, hands up in the air. "What if I had been just a second late, you two were standing awfully close for two people who were, just as you say, 'socializing'."

You roll your eyes and begin to walk off when Yuna puts her hand in front of you. "You don't get to walk away, Y/n."

You rub your eyes tiredly as Yuna flares her nose and stares up at you with the eyes you'd normally swoon over. "You think I didn't want to do that? Walk in with you be all cheery and make fun of the execs who are wearing suits too trendy for their own good?" Your voice softer now, not wanting to escalate the argument further.

"I wanted to be there with you, hell..." You pause, your confession on the tip of your tongue but you bite it back. Knowing that once it's out you'll never see Shin Yuna again. "You know what, forget it."

Her hand is on your wrist pulling you back, she's still fuming. "What? What were you about to say, Y/n?" Her saying your name was nails on a chalkboard to you, she never calls you by your full name, even when you had arguments.

In your mind, you really fucked it up this time.

"I can't say it."

"Well, if you aren't I am. I wanted you there with me not as my friend, not as a guest, but as mine. Because I like you so fucking much! It's insane to me just how much I like you." Your breath catches in your throat as her confession spills messily.

She pants madly as she pulls her hand away from yours stepping away from you. Normally, you'd catch her hand in yours and tell her everything's going to be okay but you're stunned in place. Yuna covers her face, no doubt red as a tomato at this point as she tries to recompose herself.

"I've done everything I can to avoid this feeling, going out to parties, taking more hours rehearsing, talked to different people. But then I saw you in the park yesterday, being your geeky self, reading the book I suggested to you and something snapped." She releases another breath, "Then I saw you out here with Chou Tzuyu, someone you said you'd leave me in the dust for..."

"That was a joke, Yuna..." You finally say before walking up to her. Before you could touch her though, she shys away from you. Leaning on the stone railing of whatever building JYP could book for his lavish event. "I know it's too little, too late. I...I'm happy for you if you want to go chase after Tzuyu."

Finally, the storm clears and Yuna looks up at you with the same puppy-dog eyes she gave you when first saw you tonight. Your stomach leaped over and over as you looked into her eyes. "Yuna...Tzuyu..." You pause, watching her cringe at the sound of her name rolling off your tongue. You smile, "Tzuyu's dating Minatozaki Sana."

She whips her head over to you with a look of shock on her face. A smile blooms on her face, "I fucking knew it! I saw them behind the scenes of one of their music videos once and I-"

Before she could finish her thought, your lips were on hers, cutting her off. Her words muffled and eyes wide as your hands cup her warm, defined cheeks. In an instant, she melts and leans into you. Arms draping over your shoulders, pulling you closer.

You pull away, just a hair apart you smile down at her, "Suffice to say, I'm no where near dating or making out with Chou Tzuyu. You were right, I'm all yours."

Yuna says nothing but pulls you closer, the noises of the party inside completely vanishing as you held her under the moonlight. Like you'd both always wanted. Completely numb to her members all crowding towards the glass doors, abruptly screaming and cheering.

You both pull away from one another, and laugh at the enthusiasm her members and their partners had for you both. You look down at your best friend, planting a lingering kiss over her cheek, making her blush deepen.

A warm and delicate smile over your lips as you say, "Not too little, not too late, Yuna." Another kiss to her nose. "You were right on time."

and there's another one!! this was what i was meant to post as my comeback but i went back to workshop it a bit. i hope you all enjoyed it!! i'll try to keep posting but given my classes begin again next week, i won't promise much. i'll crank out as many as i can this week tho HAHAAH i love you all vv much and i will see you all soon!! bye lovelies 💕 - r

[transmascpetewentz]

A Short Guide To Writing Gay Trans Men

So a few disclaimers before I start:

I'm not going to talk about anything sex-related here because 1) people have made other guides and google is your friend & 2) I'm not very comfortable with it.

I am just one person, and due to the fact that I am white and thin and perisex, I will definitely have blind spots. If you want more information about intersections that don't apply to me, ask someone who it does apply to!

I did get lots of messages from trans guys giving me advice on this, but nonetheless I do not speak for absolutely everyone.

There will be very little info here on how to accurately write medical transitions because that's not something I've experienced. Google is your best friend on this one.

This is not a complete post. I will keep adding to it as time goes on. If you're seeing this post reblogged by someone else, click on the original to see if I've made any additions or corrections before you send me that anon hate and/or comment telling me to kill myself.

What Not To Do

When there is a trans male character written by a cis person, especially a cis man, there's a very solid chance that he is going to check off at least 9 of the following boxes:

Thin

White

Able-bodied

Neurotypical or LSN neurodivergent

Binary

No nuance given to his identity and expression

Sexuality not specified or elaborated on

A cis person's love interest

2 dimensional transmasc stereotype

Usually small and feminine, but not actually femme

Gay transmasc characters written by cis people are very difficult to find because cis authors will often not specify the sexuality of the trans man dating a cis man or elaborate on his connection to the MLM community. This is because many cis authors believe that writing a gay trans man is just writing a woman but switching one of the genders. This is, of course, not true, and there must be more care taken to provide nuance and create a more accurate (and non-dysphoria-inducing) representation.

Moving Past The White Twink Stereotype

This is one of the most basic bars to clear for a cis person writing a gay trans man, and yet so many continue to fail at this very simple task. Ask yourself: is your gay transmasc character a white, hairless, thin person? If the answer is yes, that's not inherently a bad thing, though it may be good to reflect on why you want to create a character like this if this is the only type of transmasc representation you write.

The biggest thing you need to do here is to give him a set of defining traits. Not physical traits, not even gender expression traits. Just personality. What kind of person is he? How does he cope with the transphobia in this world (unless you're writing a fantasy universe without transphobia)? How does he act towards strangers? How does he approach people of different genders? What is his outlook on cis people? Once you have the basics, it's time to think about his physical appearance & expression and how that has impacted his life and his personality.

You also want to avoid the trope where a gay trans man's personality is undeveloped and he is treated as an object for cis men to help them advance their character arcs. It's fine for trans men to serve a purpose like that in the story, but they need to be their own individual humans.

Writing Sexuality

If your trans male characters date men, and I cannot reiterate this enough, make them be open about their homosexuality or bisexuality. Give them a sexual orientation and make them be proud of it. Of course, not every gay trans man is going to identify heavily with a masc/fem role in gay male relationships, but you should seriously consider whether or not your character would.

Additionally, don't follow the flawed line of logic of "trans man -> vagina -> bottom -> fem/femme." It's fine to make your gay trans male characters fem but please, I swear to god please give them a good reason for being so. If you do make your character femme, be very cautious to use language that doesn't trigger actual trans men's dysphoria. Don't constantly point out the character's physical features that may be associated with femininity unless you're making a point either about his dysphoria or about how society treats him or maybe about how he comes to accept his body. However, please be extremely careful with the last one as this trope has been used in so many transphobic portrayals.

Have your gay trans male character exist in gay spaces with other gay men (both cis and trans). Have him be open about being a gay man specifically. Give him cis gay male friends. Give him trans gay male friends. Don't allow your reader to ignore the fact that he is very much a gay man.

Dysphoria

For the love of all things good, please do not write your gay trans male character's dysphoria as "from the day I was born, I knew I was born in the wrong body. I have had no internalized shame or guilting into making me doubt my transness, and it was obvious that I was not a woman." That's not how anyone's dysphoria works, even if they did know from a young age that they were born in the wrong body.

For gay trans men specifically, most of us end up realizing we're trans around either age 12 or age 20. This doesn't mean he has to be exactly that age, but that's generally the safest age to have your character's egg crack. Of course, you can sprinkle in signs that he's trans since he was a young child, but I know a lot of gay trans men and I have yet to meet one who has known since birth and has had no doubt in his mind about it. However you can and should write older gay trans men, even some who find out they're trans in their 40s or older. Representation of older trans people is seriously lacking compared to how many there are.

Don't make your character the stereotype of a straight trans man who doesn't face the specific intersection of being trans and gay. Facing this intersection does affect something even as personal as dysphoria. Many of us will have self-doubt, believe that we're disgusting fetishists of gay men, or simply exist as women in gay spaces for a time. You also have to take into account gay beauty standards & your character's upbringing to figure out what they're likely to be most dysphoric about.

hi :3

That's it for now. I'll keep adding to this post as I get feedback and suggestions. If you want more advice, feel free to send me an ask. When I get enough asks about things, I'll make an FAQ post answering some of them.

[baileypie-writes]

Can you do Lupin III x people pleaser reader? -gender netural

A/N ~ Sure! By the way, I’m not a people pleaser myself, so please let me know if anything’s inaccurate. Hope you enjoy!

~Lupin III with a People Pleaser S/O~

Fandom: Lupin III: The First

Fanfic Type: Headcanons

Reader: Gender Neutral

Relationship: Romantic

Genre: Fluff

Rating: PG

Warnings: Mentions of Reader’s kindness being taken advantage of.

Disclaimer: I have only seen the 2019 film, and Castle of Cagliostro. I have not yet seen the series. So if anything is inaccurate, I apologize.

~~~🎩~~~🎩~~~🎩~~~

~ Lupin thinks it’s so endearing how you put others needs before your own. Him and the gang can be the complete opposite at times, caring more about themselves. So he finds it so cute how you go out of your way to help others.

“Hey (name)! ‘What am I doing’? The dishes. Lemme guess, you wanna help? Sure! Thanks cutie.~”

~ He tends to let you do your thing most of the time. It makes you happy to help, so why stop you? He doesn’t complain when you want to help him either. In fact, he’s all for it! Less work for him!

“Pops just wouldn’t let up today! He caused us so much trouble. We got pretty roughed up. Even ripped my coat pretty bad.”

“I can sew it up for you!”

“Really? Aww, thanks (name)! You’re a gem!”

~ However, if you start to not may enough attention to yourself, that’s where he draws the line. Putting your own health behind others isn’t okay. He’ll switch roles on you; making himself do everything for you. You’re not allowed to complain either!

“This is the fifth time in a row you’ve done the laundry. We’re supposed to take turns! I’m doing it this time.”

“Oh no, that’s okay-“

“Nope! You’re obviously tired today. You go relax, I’ll take care of this.”

~ Lupin is a sneaky guy. So he can trick you into relaxing without you realizing it! He’ll ask you to help him with something, and tell you to wait on the couch for him. You’ll lay down, and he won’t come back. It’ll take at least thirty minutes to realize you’ve been bamboozled. He always promises he won’t do it again, but we both know he’s a big fat liar…

~ Some people may try to take advantage of the fact that you’re a people pleaser. It’s hard to come to the fact that they’re using you, because you just want to help. But Lupin is smart. He knows people’s true intentions. So he’ll lead you away from them, not telling you exactly why as to not hurt your feelings. He won’t let your kindness be taken advantage of!

“They need help again? Oh, I’m sure they’ll be fine on their own! C’mon babe, I actually have something we can do together!”

~ Lupin is constantly reminding you that you don’t need to help all the time to be liked. He loves you no matter what! He lets you know that it’s okay to relax, and to ask for help for yourself.

~~~🎩~~~🎩~~~🎩~~~

~~baileypie-writes

[sprintingowl]

Playtesting Your TTRPG

So, you've built your own system, or a module for an existing system, or even a set of houserules you want to share with people. What do you do next?

Often, but not always, the next step is to playtest it.

Real quick though, three disclaimers:

-Playtesting isn't always possible. If you can't playtest something, you can't playtest it. That's okay.

-Also, rigorous playtesting isn't always possible. If you can playtest your game a little but you can't dump 100+ hours into it, that's also okay. Do what you can.

-Finally, there's no definitive one right way to playtest. What I'm sharing is my approach, but please do what works best for you.

Now, to get started, you need players.

If you've got friends who are willing to help out, great. Recruit 'em.

If you've got friends but you're not sure how they'll feel about the game, ask them.

If you don't have friends who are willing to help out, you can simulate some players. Imagine a person and walk them through the steps of your game, or play yourself as both the players and the GM.

Now, when you playtest, your goal is this: to have fun with the game.

Try to get through a session. Engage the players. Tell an interesting story together.

For any element that breaks but doesn't crash the game, make a note of it and circle back later.

If any of the mechanics break completely in half, rendering the game unrunnable, that's fine. Stop and fix things only to the extent that you can continue play. You don't need to get everything perfect.

When the session's over, ask the players what they thought about the system and if there were any parts of it that they felt strongly about.

Sometimes their answers will tell you as much about the players as they do about your system, but all feedback is good feedback.

If a player is frustrated because they wanted to power-game and your system wouldn't let them, that's useful information! There might be types of players your game clicks with more than others, and maybe you can add some text to let readers know to prepare for this.

Similarly, if a player is constantly getting confused by a dice mechanic, maybe there's another way to explain that mechanic. Try to draft some other versions of that text.

Of course, if the players liked some part of the system, that's worth recording too. If the players light up at your fishing minigame, maybe you can develop that minigame a little bit more.

What you *don't* need to do at this point is worry about whether your game is good, or stress out if the mechanics hit a snag.

The goal of playtesting is to improve a game, so it doesn't matter if the game is good at the start of the process.

I have had systems break in truly spectacular ways, every single mechanic imploding, the moment someone enters a car or tries to assist on a roll. So really don't sweat it if you find some bugs.

If you've got friends helping you, and if they're good friends, they're not going to give you (too much) grief over the system breaking.

And if you're testing by yourself, then you've got even less of nothing to worry about.

After you've gotten your feedback, the final step is making changes to your game. Fiddle with the mechanics, add or remove material, and generally revise the text based on what worked for you as a GM and what the players liked or disliked.

When you're done, you might have an entirely new-looking game, so provided you can keep playtesting (see the earlier note about rigorous playtesting,) schedule another session and see if there's anything more you want to change.

[sweet-sunshine99]

Astro notes 🌻✨🌙

Disclaimer: Nothing said below is fact, these are simply observations I've made over time. You're not guaranteed to resonate with every observation in this post.

🌛 Aquarius men want whatever they can't have.

Yes this applies to capricorn placements as well you're all so unlucky :(

🌛 Capricorn and aquarius culture is either having to grow up way too fast, never growing up, or both.

These placements are often forced to start acting like adults from a young age so when they finally mature they're prone to acting childish and immature because they're trying to re-live their childhood, they're trying to live out what they could never have.

🌛 Leo placements bring light to situations just like the sun. Wherever you have leo in your chart can tell you in what situation you bring knowledge, love, passion, motivation, or light.

For example:

Leo 1H: you carry this passionate energy with you. You easily lift the mood of those around you just by being.

Leo 2H: you can help others to see their true values with motivating words, sometimes you can even help your enemies by being that person that completely crosses them. Someone may not realize they have an issue with something until you do that thing to them. In the same way, someone may not be aware of their passion for something until you instill it in them.

Leo 3H: you can help others to socialize more, to get out of the house. You may motivate your siblings, cousins, and teachers. You can make them feel rejuvenated and you help to instill faith in others. You bring inspiration, clarity, and passion to people you meet during short distance travels or at school. It may be that you find knowledge and light at these places.

Leo 4H: you make others feel seen. People probably vent and overshare to you, this is because you have a calm and stable energy. You may encourage your mother or your family, maybe you have a motivational childhood story. You might be able to help others realize they're in a toxic household or struggling with their mental health. You might make a good therapist/psychiatrist.

🌛 When a capricorn moon is upset they're always very dramatic and expressive but they refuse to ask for help. The type to stomp around and sigh just to say "i'm fine." They want validation so bad they want you to tell them that their situation is the absolute worst and that no one has it as bad as them. Toxic cap moons also use their anger to justify abusive behavior the most. They're not just going to own up to making a mistake, it has to benefit them in some way for that to even be a consideration.

🌛 Cap moons and never expressing their true feelings because they think it makes them look weak, vulnerable, or easy to manipulate... but what they don't know yet is that they're pushing away those they love because they no longer feel appreciated 🌚

🌛 Adding onto that a really developed capricorn moon can be so honest about their faults and why they are the way they are. When they're committed, they're committed.

🌛 Leo placements are not dramatic, they are passionate. Sometimes their passion can be so intense that others think they're seeking attention, lying, or self-centered but in reality they're just proud of themselves and how far they've come. Leo is a fixed sign, they're the type to spend a lot of time persisting until they get what they truly want. They're not just going to give up because they failed once and they're sure as hell going to be proud of themselves and how hard they had to work after they've finally gotten what they deserve.

🌛 People with more cancer and lunar influence in a chart seem more likely to be cat people while people with more leo and solar influence are more likely to be dog people strangely enough.

🌛 Fixed signs tend to overestimate their romantic and sexual abilities. They like to think that they're flirty, good in bed but usually they're just average. I've noticed the more they try to rub it in your face, the worse they are.

🌛 This kind of contradicts my last observation but a scorpio man will stare into your soulllll. It's not that they're inherently better at flirting but it's their magnetism. They can be absolutely horrible and flirting, bonding, building a relationship but you'll still find yourself making excuses for them.

I wouldn't be surprised if this applies to scorpio women and nonbinary people as well but idkkk

🌛 Venus personal placements (taurus & libra) as well as 1H venus can be so judgmental for no reason. When a venus placement has a superiority complex they become the most insufferable people NO you're not better than them you're just insecure.

🌛 One stereotype I think is kind of true is that scorpios look emo.

Sometimes it's not even intentional they just look dark. I've noticed that their natural appearance can look like a dark makeup look, they can look like they're wearing eyeliner or eyeshadow on their bare face and sometimes they even have dramatic eyebags or a natural contour.

🌛 One of my astrology pet peeves is when people attribute their placements to the cause of their behavior.

For example "I'm blunt because I'm an aries" "I am intimidating because I have a scorpio rising" no, you're just blunt and the aries in your chart shows that. You're not intimidating BECAUSE you're a scorpio, your scorpio rising is what shows us that you're an intimidating person.

🌛 Name asteroids in your 6th house can definitely indicate the names of pets you might have throughout life.

🌛 Aquarius placements probably like computer science.

🌛 F*ck scorpio, marry cancer, kill sagittarius.

🌛 Libras suck at keeping long term friendships and when they finally succeed the connection doesn't tend to be very genuine.

🌛 People love to associate indulgence and especially indulgence of substances with pisces which can definitely be a good indicator, but let's not forget about taurus. Where do you think the stereotype of taurus being a foodie came from? Venus rules taurus, they're known for being indulgent and that doesn't stop at food. It can be anything that pleasures them.

🌛 If venus in a chart can show indulgence, this means libra can also be super indulgent. One thing i've noticed is that taurus tends to be selfish with what they indulge in, they want enough for themselves and they aren't afraid of being seen as stingy if it means they're satisfied. Libra tends to desire pleasure for everyone. Not only do they want enough for themselves, they want enough for everybody else. They know how good the material aspects of life can feel so they wonder why anyone WOULDN'T want to indulge in these things.

🌛 In regard to life path you envy the sun sign ahead of yours.

If you're an aries sun you envy what taurus suns have

If you're a taurus sun you envy what gemini suns have

Gemini envies what cancer has

Cancer envies what leo has

I think you get the point...

🌛 Libra placements and staying in relationships that do not serve them for way too long. Like fine do your thing be with who you want but there's no need to replace life-long friends with someone that doesn't care in the slightest.

Maybe tw?? cw?? I don't sugarcoat so if you're sensitive to dark topics you probably shouldn't read this observation.

🌛 7H ruler in the 8H might crush/fall in love with the wrong people often. Definitely has the wrong type. This placement is the type to date within their family, this placement is the type to marry someone that is plotting to murder them, this placement is the type to develop stockholm syndrome. Maybe this placement secretly likes when people are toxic and sometimes toxic behaviors can make this person feel loved, for example this placement might feel loved when someone expresses jealousy or possessiveness.

🌛 "I don't relate to my birth chart so that means astrology is a scam" you're not supposed to relate to every aspect of your birth chart all the time, your birth chart is a chart of your entire life. During some years some placements in your chart are more active than others. some placements have better indications for life events than they do personality traits. If you really want to check for your personality, in my opinion you should check your solar return rising as well as the sign and house placement of your solar return chart ruler. This gives you a more accurate idea of who you are RIGHT NOW rather than who you'll be your entire lifetime.

🌛 Aquarius placements are very logical. Because of this they may actually act pretty illogically if undeveloped. This is because if they think hard enough on something, they can find a reason for anything. They can understand any logical part of an argument because they make sure to consider all sides, the issue is when they put too much focus on the highly unlikely.

🌛 Personally I've observed that the 4th house tells us much more about our inner, deepest selves and sensitivity more than it does our general home life. I think the 4th house has such a big impact on our inner selves because our home environment growing up can often shape a huge majority of our perceptions in life.

[newhologram]

New's T skincare (and more) recs🏳️‍⚧️🥄

Hello! I'm a enby spoonie trying out a low dose of testosterone for gender and health reasons. Some of you asked how I'm managing my skin now that it's oilier on T, so here are some recs. If you find any of this information helpful, please consider dropping a tip in my ko-fi, becoming a Patron, or donating to my GoFundMe. Every bit helps me afford medical care and stay afloat when I'm too sick to work. ❕ Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor or an expert, just an ex-retail worker with a special interest in skincare. These are products/routines that work for me, so you'll have to experiment to find out what your skin responds to. Always patch test and if your skin really struggles on T, definitely talk to a dermatologist. This isn't my entire collection of skincare, just stuff that is especially good for managing/healing acne. I'll still be listing some products I don't have yet but plan to get in the future as suggestions. If you want to know about other things like under eye care, send an ask and I'll try to answer. Also, you don't have to be on T to try any of this stuff out. If you have some of the same skin concerns I do, then some of these things may be a good match for you. Even before T, it took work to keep my skin clear. It just takes more intensive care now.

ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴡᴇ ɢᴇᴛ ɪɴᴛᴏ ɪᴛ: 𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

✨Keep in mind that I'm really extra and having a fancy routine like this is part of how I self-regulate. I also have different routines depending on time of the year, time of day, my cycle, whether or not I wore sunscreen/makeup/a mask that day, etc. You absolutely do not need to go as hard as I do with so many products. If you're completely new to skincare, it's fine to keep it simple with cleanser, toner, and moisturizer (and sunscreen when going out!), with masks or spot treatments as needed. 💊A little more info on my situation: I'm on T in short cycles for subtle changes and it turns out that T is really good at treating some chronic illness as well, especially autoimmune disorders. I'm diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, type 2 narcolepsy, fibromyalgia, myalgic encephalomyelitis (CFS), and more. I've been "suspected" for RRMS for a few years due to all of my neurological symptoms but my MRI's don't show much other than some bulging discs. I'm not officially diagnosed yet but am suspected for endometriosis, with an enlarged ovary, backed-up kidneys, unidentified lesions on my colon/bladder, and daily debilitating pelvic/back pain. My periods kill me dead but even when not on them, I'm still in a lot of pain all the time. So far the T really helps with fibro pain and definitely gives me more stamina. My periods have been easier too. Still not pleasant, but not killing me as much. The fact that I've been able to work even one day on my period the past few months is a huge improvement, even if I'm still doubled over with a heating pad. One concern I had with starting T was my skin. I've never had severe acne, but I'm still acne prone as an adult. Luckily I worked in skincare for a while, so I've had a solid skincare routine for a long time now. Since starting T, I've been refining my routine in order to minimize breakouts and heal ones that do happen. The same goes for my hair/scalp routine since I have psoriasis and have to do clarifying treatments twice a week anyway. T can carry the risk of more oil, clogging, and fall out. This post will mostly be about skin but I'll add some of my hair and other recs too. ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

♥𝚃𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚜♥ I: Skincare 1. 𝘾𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘴 2. 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙠𝙨/𝙩𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨 𝘢. 𝘞𝘢𝘴𝘩-𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘴 𝘣. 𝘚𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘴 𝘤. 𝘚𝘱𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 3. 𝙏𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙨 4. 𝙎𝙚𝙧𝙪𝙢𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘶𝘮𝘴 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘶𝘮𝘴 5. 𝙈𝙤𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘳𝘴 6. 𝘽𝙤𝙙𝙮 𝙖𝙘𝙣𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚 7. 𝙀𝙭𝙩𝙧𝙖 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥 8. 𝙀𝙭𝙖𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦

II: Haircare (coming soon) III: pH care (coming soon)

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦ Skincare 1. Cleansers

I have a lot of cleansers because I like to be prepared for every situation, so only a few are pictured here and only ones related to acne care will be listed below. If you want to know what other kinds of cleansers I use, send me an ask! a. Morning Cleansers - In the morning, I usually just do wipes to avoid stripping too much. I'll only actually do a cleanser with water if I feel particularly oily or if I'm actively breaking out and need to start the day with something that's more of a treatment. Senka All Clear Water White - Shiseido, the makers of Senka Pure Whip (one of my fav cleanser lines!) now has a micellar water line. I've tried a lot of micellar waters over the years and this is definitely my favorite one. The Fuji Sakura essence and licorice root are brightening for dark spots (a problem I have after acne) and the Uji Green Tea essence is to remove excess oil and keep the skin matte. I wanted to try the Fresh version which is better for oily/acne prone skin, but was only able to get my hands on the White version but it works great. If I end up finding it, I'll update this post with my results. Fourth Ray Beauty Detox Sesh Purifying Cleansing Wipes - These are fabulous for oily break out mornings. Lots of good stuff like tea tree, witch hazel, and willow bark to treat acne. Can sting a little bit if you're sensitive, but hasn't given me any major issues. Sometimes I use it with a little bit of the micellar water to get an extra cleanse.

Trader Joe's Tea Tree wipes - Been using these for a really long time. They're quite strong, with tea tree and alcohol, so I mostly use them on my neck, chest, and shoulders for break outs there. But I still use them on the face a few times a week as needed for acne. There's also witch hazel, chamomile, ginger, neem, and more. Just a good combo of stuff. Since it's a bit stripping, be sure to tone and moisturize after.

b. Evening Cleansers - In the evening, I usually focus on double-cleansing, especially during a T cycle or if I've been out wearing sunscreen/makeup/mask. Double-cleansing is usually when you use an oil-based cleanser or balm to first cleanse other oils/gunk from skin, and then you use a foam or scrub-type cleanser after (or over) it to get that extra deep cleanse. Just make sure to tone/moisturize well after (will cover those steps too!). Trader Joe's Tea Tree Face Wash - A really simple but effective lathering oil cleanser. CeraVe Acne Foaming Cream Cleanser - CeraVe products are great to start with, as they feature essential ceramides to maintain the skin's barrier. 4% benzoyl peroxide to clear acne, but also with hyaluronic acid to retain moisture and niacinamide to soothe. Senka Perfect Whip - One of my longtime go-to cleansers. It's perfectly soft and foamy, with a bunch of different types now for different skin needs. The original is great during warmer months when I'm oilier anyway, but in the winter I usually switch to Perfect Whip Collagen In for a little more moisture. They have a new Perfect Whip Acne Care foam with the inflammatory agent found in licorice root. I just got my hands on it in May and have been loving it. It's gentle but still potent enough to keep my skin super clear. Momo Puri Peach Moist Cleansing Wash - BCL is a brand I use a lot and their peach line is amazing for the probiotics and peach ceramides. Another great foaming cleanser to replenish the skin barrier but still get nice and clean.

Dark Angels - One of the only LUSH products still worth buying in my opinion (as an ex-employee). I've used this since it came out and it never lets me down. Charcoal and rhassoul are great for pores that get clogged easily, and it's got avocado oil to condition the skin. I scrub this one all over my face, neck, and chest to leave on for 5-10 minutes as a mask while I hang out in the tub. It clears me up fast without irritating my skin. How do I use foam cleansers? Four ways, depending on my needs/spoons that day:

Apply directly to wet skin and massage gently with hands

Apply directly to wet skin and use a very soft handheld brush in small circles. I got mine at Tokyo Central/Marukai Market, but can't recall the brand, sorry!

Use a foamer device to make big whippy clouds, then apply to skin and rub in circles/let sit for 20-60 seconds. Mine is from DAISO.

Apply cleanser to face and/or automatic cleansing brush. I use COSLUS brand. It was affordable and came with a lot of different brush heads, so you can use the one that's right for your skin's sensitivity. I love this thing! I normally use it maybe 1-2x a week, but now on T I use it a little bit more to make sure I get a deep cleanse. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹

2. Masks/treatments

a. Wash-off masks - Such as clay masks, gooey masks, or scrub/dissolving type treatments. Tsururi clay packs - Another great product from BCL. I've used these masks for a long time too, definitely my go-to for a quick but effective clay cleanse. These dry in less than 10 minutes. They have a few different types and currently I'm using the Mild Sea Clay pack with Okinawan clay and moisturizing things such as honey, collagen, and olive oil. This one is good if you're more sensitive, but I still find their regular mask gentle enough. They have a limited edition red clay and ghassoul pack that I really want to try as it'll be even better for blackheads. (Tsururi also has a white clay foam cleanser that I tried a few years ago, it's really nice) Tsururi Pore Cleansing Power Hot Stone - I've used this since I was a teenager, it's like magic. It warms up and dissolves gunk in the pores, so I save it for when I'm especially clogged or if I need my face to be extra clean before/after makeup. It's meant to be rubbed in for 60 seconds and rubbed off, but I tend to leave it on for a few minutes to let it do its work. I know this is fine for my skin, but be careful trying it out if you're extra sensitive. Ghassoul, zeolite, grapefruit extract, witch hazel, peppermint - just lots of good stuff for problem pores. SKINFOOD Pear Mint Mask - I'm fairly new to SKINFOOD but have been loving their products so far. This mask is a winner. The mint is cooling and refreshing, and so is the pear with the added benefit of moisture and nourishment. The base is kaolin clay so it's mild but still effective at cleansing pores. This brand has a bunch of other popular masks, so I can't wait to make my way through their lines. Next I want to try their Black Sugar Strawberry Mask. Mad City Soap - Tea Tree & Mint Foaming Facial Scrub - I've bought soaps and body scrubs from this Etsy shop for a decade but only now started trying their skin and hair products. This one is more of a cleanser than a scrub but I use it as a treatment with my other cleansers. It's soo nice. It's creamy and soft, so minty and tingly and wonderful for current breakouts or for preventing them. I use it 1-3x a week as needed. Very potent and a little goes a long way. I'm From Honey Mask - My all-time favorite mask, it leaves me glowing. It's a little bit on the pricier side for me, but it's always worth it. I've been using this for several years and I save it for skin emergencies or special occasions. Honey is a recurring ingredient in a lot of my skincare because it's just so good. It's anti-inflammatory, anti-bacterial, soothing, and helps with elasticity and moisture. So it's not just great for acne, but for anything, really. This mask is very deeply healing so I usually use it after I've had to go hard on harsher acne products and I'm wanting to soothe and repair my skin barrier. This can be a quick 10-20 minute mask but I also leave it on for a full hour when I really need the extra help. This mask uses honey from the Jiri Mountains in South Korea, which have such an abundant variety of flowers that the honey is just jam-packed with healing properties. TONYMOLY I'm Honey Deep Moisture Rescue Mask - If you're on a budget and can't afford the I'm From mask, this one is a great alternative. Honey, propolis, and royal jelly all soothe and hydrate. Still really effective for soothing after harsher acne treatments or during colder weather.

b. Sheet Masks - These masks are great for delivering a bunch of moisture and treatment to the face. I typically save these for emergencies or special occasions but they're also great to use once a week. Make sure to squeeze out what's in the bag too, you can rub it on your neck and chest if you like. Most sheet masks are meant to be left on 10-20 minutes. Ingredients I use a lot are: tea tree or charcoal for break outs, honey or aloe for soothing/healing, strawberry or other fruits for exfoliation, snail mucin for barrier restoration. Naisture - A brand I've used for over a decade, with a lot to choose from. Their tea tree mask is great for break-out days and they also have really soothing aloe and honey ones too. There are a lot of sheet mask brands out there. Other brands I like are Lululun, Kose, and My Beauty Diary. BCL has a 1-minute all-in-one morning sheet mask line called Saborino. They cleanse, moisturize, and prime. I usually use them on work days or tired mornings. I've only tried the grapefruit/avocado one so far but they have so many now. They even have night time masks which would be soothing especially after acne care and covers toner, lotion, essence, cream, and mask in just one minute (but you can leave on for 5-10 if you really need to). ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ c. Spot Treatments

MediHeal Tea Tree Trouble Pads - These are great because I don't always want to do a full sheet mask when I have just one or two problem areas. These are like mini sheet masks that come in square pads. I like to cut them in half so I can more easily place them in strips on my face.

Sunday Riley Saturn Sulfur Spot Treatment - I've used this spot treatment for years, it's wonderful for clearing current break-outs and preventing more. Though it can be a little strong and make me red/itchy, so I use it sparingly and always do soothing care afterward.

MAREE Acne Patches - Pimple patches are life-changing. Great way to not just heal acne with the hydrocolloid gel plus ingredients like tea tree and green algae gel, but it covers the acne up to protect it while you go about your day. A very fast and gentle way to heal stubborn pimples. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 3. Toners

A lot of people skip toners completely and so I get asked a lot why they matter. Toner is an important step for a few reasons: after cleansing, sometimes we can be stripped of natural sebum (oil), so toning is a good way to replenish that moisture. But it also helps prime the skin for moisturizer. The skin's like a sponge, so it's going to absorb moisturizer better if you wet it first with a toner. These days, there are so many kinds of toners with different ingredients and purposes. So I choose a different toner depending on the time of day, weather, how my skin is acting, etc. Fourth Ray Beauty Fresh AF Mist - A very gentle rehydrating spray toner made with rose and cucumber water. Great for refreshing throughout the day too. SKINFOOD Peach Sake Toner - This is from SF's Peach Sake line which is fabulous for oily skin. Sake is astringent but peach is nourishing and rehydrating. I use this on my face, neck, and chest to control oil production. Super matte! Momo Puri Peach Moist Barrier - another peach line that's amazing, with peach ceramides and probiotics to restore the barrier. BCL has a few different kinds of this toner for your needs. I go with this regular light version but they have a milky version if you're on the dry side. Naturalism by Baeville Turmeric & Honey Glow Toner - Another great Etsy find. Turmeric is great to even out skin tone, but this one also has a lot of other great ingredients for acne prone skin such as witch hazel, rose water, aloe vera, rosemary, chamomile, tea tree, green tea, and more. Another one I love to use on my face, neck, and chest. COSRX Full Fit Propolis Synergy Toner - My current evening toner. Not only anti-inflammatory and anti-bacterial for acne, but very soothing and moisturizing for glowing skin. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 4. Serums/essences/emulsions - I typically use different serums for morning and evening, rotating them as well or switching it up as needed. This is just what works for me. Some people prefer retinol only at night, for example. So listen to your skin and find what works. a. Morning Serums

SKINFOOD Black Sugar Serum - This one has been highly rated for years for sebum (oil) control, so when I had the extra money to get it, I was so excited. It's really nice, both hydrating but also helps to control oil. Definitely keeping my skin clear. SANA Nameraka Honpo Isoflavone Essence - Sana's Isoflavone products have been a staple of my skincare for over a decade. They have soy and arbutin which is great for collagen production and brightening hyperpigmentation. I've used their cleansers, toners, masks, moisturizers, eye creams, and spot treatments. They never disappoint! And they even have so many lines depending on your needs, such as CoQ10, acne control with extra arbutin, and more. This particular essence is one of their basic products, I use it mostly to keep my skin tone even. It's also super soft and moisturizing. Definitely something I use a lot in the winter. SKINFOOD Peach Sake Pore Serum - More Peach Sake because it's so good. This serum is so softening and helps the skin stay matte. CeraVe Resurfacing Retinol Serum - An amazing must-have retinol serum to fade acne marks. It's also brightening and uses ceramides to maintain the skin barrier. Retinol can be a lot on the skin, so I only use it every other day. If you're new to this ingredient, definitely start slow and see how you do. Retinol can cause peeling if you go too hard. Always, and I mean always, wear a good sunscreen if you leave the house on retinol days. b. Evening Serums

Hada Labo Shirojyun Premium Whitening Emulsion - This brand has been getting popular online. I don't usually use emulsions but this one is highly rated for fading post-acne hyperpigmentation and sun damage. It has vitamin E, C, hyaluronic acid to moisturize and nourish. Glycyrrhizic acid (from licorice) is also anti-inflammatory so it seems to even help prevent acne. It's very light too, so I haven't felt like it was too heavy for my oily T skin. This stuff works so well! One day I'll try their other products. COSRX Advanced Snail 96 Mucin Power Essence - I've used products with a little snail mucin before and they were nice, but this is the real deal. My friend let me try it at the bath house one night and I was hooked. Snail mucin is intensely hydrating, healing, softening, and calming. It works great with harsher serums such as vit C or retinol. Perfect for barrier-rebuilding. This is great for any skin type, so I've been able to use it no matter what condition my skin is in. This is something I will be buying probably forever, it's really effective and feels great. They also have creams and other snail mucin products, I can't wait to try! Dear Klairs Rich Moist Soothing Serum - I've used this serum probably 8 years by now. Also super soothing and hydrating while not being heavy. This one is great if you're having a sensitive skin day or spent time in the sun. There's also a moisturizer in this line which is really great. Beauty of Joseon Glow Serum - Another new try for me this year. Propolis and niacinamide are great for inflammation, controlling oil, and treating hyperpigmentation. The reviews for this one said it was great for preventing acne and also healing it. It really does give the skin a lovely glow and it's gentle enough to use on sensitive days. (This brand also has a retinol + ginseng eye serum and it's seriously the best eye care I've ever used. Revives my tired spoonie eyes well.)

Fourth Ray All Clear Purifying Serum - A very potent acne clearing serum. Salicylic acid is usually my go-to for an active break-out. Also has tranexamic acid for those pesky post-acne marks. It's supposed to be gentle enough for daily use but I'm extra sensitive so I only use it as-needed, a few times a week usually. Momo Puri Booster Serum - This serum is so powerful that I save it for skin emergencies or special occasions. Seriously intensely healing, and so thick that each little "peach" pack lasts me two uses. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 5. Moisturizers - I rotate moisturizers a lot, so my line up typically changes year to year. But I usually use gels more than creams (or mixed gel-cream types) because they don't clog my pores.

a. Morning moisturizers SKINFOOD Peach Jelly - For a while I was using pure aloe vera gel as a morning moisturizer, which works great. When I saw SKINFOOD had a peach version, I immediately got it since I'm super into peach skincare lately. It's just really great for repairing the skin barrier and retaining moisture. This one might be a limited edition though, it seems to run out fast. They have a plain aloe version too. Another brand I'd recommend for super sensitive skin is Aloderma, they have a ton of great aloe products. Sana Honey Shca All in One Gel - I've used this product for almost a decade. It's really gentle and soothing while technically covering all your bases: toner, serum, cream and mask. So this is good if you're in a hurry in the mornings. Lately it's been running out of stock online but I always see it at Tokyo Central/Marukai Market. b. Evening moisturizers Momo Puri Sleeping Jelly Cool - A cooling sleep-mask version of their gel that really helps calm inflammation overnight. Feels great in the summer. Can sometimes be hard to find, but I also recommend their gel cream. Fourth Ray After Hours Detox Face Oil - Aa powerful oil for treating acne during sleep. Bamboo charcoal, salicylic acid, tea tree, watermelon seed all help to unclog pores and keep bacteria from causing trouble. This stuff packs a punch. Sunday Riley U.F.O. acne treatment oil - This one's more on the expensive side with the smaller size being $40 so I haven't bought it in a while, but I wanted to include it because it's really good. 1.5% salicylic acid, tea tree, black cumin to clear skin, licorice for hyperpigmentation. To prevent drying it also has cucumber seed and there's chamomile to soothe inflammation. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 6. Body acne care - Body acne has been a recurring struggle since I was a teenager. Sometimes I'll go long stretches without it but then once summer or a bad PMS time hits, I break out on my chest, neck, back. T has definitely made it harder for me to manage at times, but here's what I use.

Dove Acne Clear body wash - A solid salicylic acid and bamboo extract wash for body acne. Amazon Basics Clarifying Grapefruit body wash - also with SA. DemiDoeNaturals Turmeric Carrot Honey soap - Excellent soap for fading acne marks. My skin turns very red when I break out and the marks take a long time to fade, so ingredients like turmeric and carrot are just what I need to heal.

To reach my back and exfoliate, I use the brush with the long handle. The smaller brush is used on my chest and neck. I got the big one at the 99c store and the smaller one is from a boar hair dry brushing kit. AcneFree SA body spray - body sprays are really useful! This one works really well. I did have some trouble with the actual spraying sometimes because of my weak grip. This one's a little more expensive, around $20, but it lasted me a long time. It dries nice and quick too. Nature's Cure body spray - Another good spray, easier to use. Trader Joe's Tea Tree Oil - Any tea tree oil will do but I've used TJ's since I was a teenager. I add it to other oils for scalp treatments or spot treatments on my body/face. Make sure you dilute it, it's very strong. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹

7. Extra things that can help - These are things you don't necessarily need, but have been worth the investment for me. Face powder - A small compact translucent powder can make a huge difference, especially during the hot weather. I've recently started using Skin Food's Peach Cotton Pore Blur Pact, a sebum-controlling powder. It's very silky and gentle, with a mild peach scent. Keeps my face nice and matte without drying out. On especially oily T days, I reapply it once or twice. Ice Globes - Very cooling and soothing, helps with inflammation. Also great in general for headaches, chronic pain, etc. Glass ice globes are popular because they're pretty, but they can break easily. I'm clumsy and didn't want to take that chance, so I use stainless steel. I keep mine in the freezer and use as needed. If you're sensitive, maybe start out just keeping them in the fridge, because the cold can be intense. Gua sha - This has gotten popular in the past few years, love to see it. I mostly use gua sha on my body for circulation and pain management. But facial gua sha can be really helpful in keeping the skin clear. I wouldn't use it on an aggressive active break-out, but it's great for prevention. The roller kind is good for gentle use and the flat kinds are good for when you need to get some deeper work. Red light therapy - This has been a big one for me. I initially got a red light panel (with red light and near-infrared light for deeper penetration into organs and bones) to help manage chronic pain (osteoarthritis, endometriosis, ulcerative colitis, kidney issues, etc), but the first thing I noticed was how well it worked for my skin. Just 5 minutes a day on my face keeps me really clear, heals inflammation super fast and also boosts collagen production. I have a Hooga which I find simple and effective. I don't hang it, but simply prop it on the floor while I do yoga. If I need to concentrate on my back for an acne or pain flare, I just lie on my side and rest while basking for about 10-15 mins. Chlorophyll - I've been taking this in liquid form for over a decade. Initially it was for anemia and to help my colitis, but it does seem to make a big difference in my skin's condition when used consistently. Mulberry silk pillowcase - Even washing my old pillowcase regularly, I felt like it was time for an upgrade that would be even better at keeping my skin fresh. This one is a little pricey, but it's already made a big difference. Plus it's so cool and comfortable. Mine is by Alaska Bear. Clean your phone! - This one can be hard to remember since I don't talk on my phone all that much. But our phones are nasty, seriously. That can transfer to our face and cause problems. So I try to keep electronic cleansing wipes near my desk as a reminder to wipe my devices down every now and then. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 8. Example routines - Just some examples of what my line up might look like. a. Example morning routine: Let's say I'm not breaking out yet, but maybe just a little, so I want to try a preventative approach. I might cleanse with the Detox Wipes and micellar water, use the Peach Sake toner to keep my skin from being too oily, then retinol serum to help with cell turnover. To give my skin some nourishment, then I'd use the Sana Soy Isoflavone essence and top off with Sana's Honey all in one gel. b. Example evening routine: Later, I'm still trying a preventative approach but my skin needs some soothing. So I might wash first with the tea tree oil cleanser, then scrub with Dark Angels and leave it on for a few minutes like a mini-mask. Synergy propolis toner and snail mucin to soothe and keep my barrier strong. Then Hada Labo emulsion to bring down inflammation, and the Detox Oil to keep the break-out at bay. I hope this was helpful. I may add haircare and other things to this since T definitely affects my scalp too.

[glowingbadger]

Guys I basically hate everything I'm making right now, drawing, writing, etc. and it's all taking a million years to make just to be disappointed with the results SO I'm taking an indulgent and stupid break to spit out my thoughts about the FE3H lads' vices of choice (in terms of what they may imbibe to take the edge off). Also I'm tired and doing this super off-the-cuff, so if I forget someone or my takes are shit or w/e... i dunno, mea culpa I guess.

big ol' TW for drug & alcohol use so skip this one if you don't vibe with booze and/or smoking of various types (nothing too hard tho lmao no one's shooting up or anything on this post). As a disclaimer since this whole post might make me seem super pro-drugs lmao: I am into having your vices and letting them help get you through the day to a healthy and controlled extent.

Also, I guess this is sort of modern au?? FE3H's setting is wildly anachronistic, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have things like modern cigarettes, or edibles as we know them. Just. Roll with it ig.

Honestly this was inspired by a guy I used to hook up with before I met my husband who smoked and because of him I briefly developed a pavlovian response where I'd become aroused by the scent of cigarettes so shout-out to you, Dan- hope you're doing good somewhere you dumb, handsome bastard

Vices:

Linhardt- he's open to a lot, as a naturally curious type, but he's particularly fond of hookah. He finds the experience meditative and calming, and it's honestly best if someone keeps an eye out and makes sure he doesn't fall asleep with the coals still burning. But having a pipe in hand while reading on a quiet evening is just unmatched.

Hubert- obviously his canon vice is coffee, which he naturally takes black (at most, perhaps a splash of milk). That said, while he doesn't have an addictive streak, he will have a cigarette here and there when the stress is getting to him and he needs to stay focused. Other than that, he of course will partake in wine when it's expected of him at events, but he doesn't overly enjoy it.

Ferdinand- he enjoys wine both as a social experience, and as a true connoisseur; he's constantly scouting out which sellers have gotten ahold of something rare and exotic, and has no compunctions about paying a good deal of money for a valuable bottle. However, he dramatically overestimates his own alcohol tolerance.

Caspar- pretty much lives completely clean, unless food and over-exercise can be considered vices (which many would say they could). He tried Lin's hookah once and he coughed so much that he wrote off smoking across the board. Totally doesn't get things like "acquired tastes" when it comes to drinks, either- why bother with something you don't like right off the bat?

Dimitri- as a function of growing up at the height of society, he's of course expected to drink socially and know just enough about fine wines and liquors to serve appropriately high-quality drink to guests and dignitaries. However, he's a very dramatic and sad drunk, on the rare occasions he lets himself get that far. Frankly, he should probably just try weed.

Felix- he keeps his vices pretty under control, as lack of control makes him feel on-edge. Similar to Caspar, his 'vice' is more about drowning his anxieties in training and exercise. That said, he'll sometimes nurse a cigarette for a while, mostly to keep his mouth and hands busy- it's a fidgeting habit more than anything.

Sylvain- he's made a conscious effort to familiarize himself with and build a tolerance to just about anything that's consumed socially. Passing a joint, pouring a drink, taking shots, anything that adds to that socially-acceptable party vibes, he's ready to jump on-board. Left to his own preferences though, he likes a good whiskey, but like, the softer, smoother ones that go down easy.

Ashe- he doesn't look it, but having grown up in a rough situation and having to rub elbows with some unsavory types, he does have a respectable tolerance for most of your standard substances- though he's mostly only ever taken them to be "polite." But he knows his body and knows to keep alert.

Dedue- can appreciate coffee, but is potently aware of the disadvantages of caffeine addiction, so he keeps it moderate. He can also appreciate hookah, and similarly to Linhardt, finds it to be a soothing and calm activity that doesn't impair his judgement or cognition significantly.

Claude- pretty open minded overall, and is in support of indulging in moderate hedonism as long as it never puts you at a disadvantage. His preferred indulgence is weed, and in particular, he can really enjoy a well made edible. He's very picky about who he imbibes with, however- he doesn't trust just anyone while he may be in a slightly compromised state and more likely to say something he otherwise wouldn't.

Lorenz- he's as much a wine aficionado as any true noble would be, of course, and has memorized all the usual talking-points thereof. He considers it distasteful to become visibly inebriated, however. He also definitely owns a collection of elaborate and expensive tobacco pipes that have almost never been used.

Ignatz- he's fairly clean, and will nurse a single drink throughout an evening in social settings. He's heard that many famous artists have found inspiration in "broadening their minds," but he finds the loss of control intimidating. To be honest though, he also should probably try weed, this is a man with an anxiety disorder if I ever saw one.

Raphael- probably hasn't had many opportunities to get extremely experimental, but he does absolutely love a good beer or ale (or several beers or ales), preferably alongside a hearty meal or vast array of snacks. He considers it just part of enjoying a feast, a perfect accent to the food.

Jeralt- his love of booze is canon, of course, but he is generally open minded about such things and is willing to partake in whatever takes the edge off after a big job. He has decent tolerance, but has a habit of ignoring when he might be pushing a little too far, basically willfully ignoring his own limits.

Seteth- canonically, Nabateans have high alcohol tolerance (if Seteth's mention of it to Manuela is anything to go off of), so I imagine this extends to most foreign substances. That said, he does enjoy the earthy flavor of a well-worn tobacco pipe, and will sometimes unwind with it after a long work day.

Also on a personal note, modern au Seteth in a business suit smoking a cigarette makes horny brain go brrrrrrrrrr

Jeritza- he stays totally clean, as he deeply dislikes the sensation of losing control. He lives with the constant shadow of the thought that any lapse will trigger the Death Knight, and knows he can't risk such a thing outside of the battlefield.

[everythingunderthestarsthings]

Can I have a Ulrich Stern x Fem autistic reader where he helps reader with a panic attack?

A/N: Of course! Disclaimer, though -- I'm not autistic and I had to google to see how experiences vary from one individual to another. And based on what I've understood, I've typed this out. I've done my best to make this piece accurate, but if there's any area in which I should improve on, do let me know. We learn and grow together.

Another disclaimer: I do not own the image, or Ulrich Stern, or any of the characters in Code Lyoko.

I hope you enjoy this, @micheleamidalajedi

~

Note:

(Y/N) - Your Name

(E/C) - Eye color

(H/C) - Hair color

~

This is set after "Final Round", after William is captured by X.A.N.A.

I've also made a reference to the episode titled "Attack of the Zombies" but it's very mild.

Reader and Ulrich are friends, no confessions as of yet. I hope you enjoy this, and I hope to get better at writing these things.

TW: Anxiety, panic attacks.

~

"So William's just... gone?" Yumi asked, eyes widened in disbelief.

"... Yes." Jeremy replied, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Lyoko is completely gone, and I don't see him on my monitors."

"Jeremy and I are going to reconstruct Lyoko," Aelita spoke up, looking at the rest of the group as Jeremy turned away and back to the monitor. "William might show up after a while."

Silence followed.

"What... what if he doesn't?" (Y/N) asked slowly.

"Aww, relax, (Y/N)!" Odd exclaimed, setting his hands behind his head. "He will. He'll be fine. X.A.N.A. doesn't like throwing away new toys."

"Odd's reasoning is somewhat logical, for once." Jeremy's voice agreed. "I'll look for him."

"What about William's absence? Jim's going to kill us." Ulrich pointed out, hands folded.

"A simple morphed call as William's father should do the trick."

"I knew something like this would happen." Yumi grumbled, clenching her shaking fists. "He was too careless, and now he's just stuck..." she swallowed and exhaled, and her voice came out shaky when she spoke after, "We shouldn't have asked him to join."

"Agreed." Ulrich sided with her.

"Th-that's not important right now!" (Y/N) piped up hotly, making the others -- even Jeremy -- turn to look at her. A breath. Though they were all friends, it still made her nervous to have so many people looking at her, especially Ulrich, whose eyes were the ones staring directly into hers. "We have to find him and set this right. He's a person for god's sake and he's missing!"

"(Y/N), you're right." Aelita was the first person to approach her, gently squeezing her hand. "I promise you we'll find him. Okay?"

~

Jeremy and Aelita stayed back at the Factory while the others climbed down the sewers.

Usually, Odd Aelita, Jeremy and Ulrich, being boarding students, would part from Yumi and (Y/N), the day students, to get to Kadic's boiler room. The girls would then travel to the neighborhoods and get home. Tonight, just the walk through the sewers was agonizingly slow.

Too silent. Too silent.

It's because of you, a voice in (Y/N)'s head whispered. It's because of you. Apologize.

(Y/N) clenched and unclenched her fist. It wasn't a noticeable action, but it did help her calm herself a little bit.

"I'm sorry for raising my voice back there." (Y/N) said after about ten clenches. "I'm just worried."

"That's alright, (Y/N)." Odd smiled. "We understand. Besides, Ulrich and I might have been insensitive too."

"Yeah, sorry about that, (Y/N)." Ulrich supplied.

Yumi, who was the one walking ahead of all of them, suddenly came to a stop.

"I should send William's Dad's contact number." she said, her voice thick. "You guys go on ahead."

She went to lean against the walls of the sewer tunnels.

"I have his number." (Y/N) piped up, opening her phone's contact list. "I can send it to-"

"Just go, please." Yumi said forcefully. "Please."

Gahh, what was wrong with her today?

An unsettling pit of acid bubbled in (Y/N)'s stomach. It's you. You're the problem.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." (Y/N) said. "I-"

A hand squeezed her shoulder, and she squeaked in surprise, seeing Ulrich behind her.

"Let's go, (Y/N), I'll walk you."

"But I didn-"

Yumi sank to the ground, sliding down the wall till she could put her head on her knees and cry. It was no secret that she liked William, even after Ulrich had been particularly sour about it, so a part of (Y/N) could understand why she was so upset.

Before she could say anything, Ulrich was guiding her towards the entrance that led to the city. (Y/N) turned her head around, her (H/C) hair nearly whipping Ulrich, to glimpse Odd hugging Yumi to comfort her before they took another turn.

"I didn-didn't mean to start anything off." (Y/N) said when Ulrich let go of her slightly. "I just..."

"I know." Ulrich said gently. "It's just that Yumi doesn't exactly like expressing her feelings in front of people she's not very close to."

Yumi, Y/N and William were in the same class. Y/N and William had joined Kadic together from the same previous school, and William had taken to Yumi immediately.

(Y/N) had tried too, but..

"I'm not very good at understanding social cues, I'm sorry." Same reason why she hadn't been able to make any other friends except William in her previous school too.

And now, she had lost that friend.

"Yumi didn't like me knowing about the scanners and Lyoko too... did she?"

"What?" Ulrich gaped. "No, no. It's not about-- okay, well, yes." he changed his answer after (Y/N) gave him a look. "But you can understand why... Lyoko is a dangerous thing and the more people knowing, the more dangerous it is."

They walked together in silence.

(Y/N) knew how she had heard Ulrich, but she couldn't help the queasiness in her stomach, couldn't help but listen to the voice in her head telling her it's all your fault, you should have tried better, you should be more normal and understand Yumi, you should have gone in and scanned yourself and let it be you instead of William.

She clenched and unclenched her fists again.

When (Y/N) had been younger, the panic attacks came without warning, where even the slightest misstep caused her to spiral down into what she could only describe as absolute, agonizing hell. She wouldn't be able to breathe, wouldn't be able to think straight, let alone stand. She would feel queasy and vomit.

Going to school when she was younger had also been a herculean task. Loud noises, and people, so many people she had to look at and talk to -- and so many people who made fun of the way she spoke, the way she was slower than others, and how she was weird and different -- and no matter how much she tried, she would end up getting hated anyway.

William was the only person who understood -- the only real friend she'd had.

(Y/N) stopped walking. It was all too much.

"(Y/N)?" Ulrich whispered, meeting her eyes. The night made his eyes look black.

Black void. Black despair. William. It was all too much.

"I have to go.." was all she could manage before she got to an open corridor where sewer water was collecting. She knelt down and hurled the contents of her stomach into the stream, hurled and hurled and cried and cried, panting, out of breath.

"(Y/N)-- Oh shit, what happened?"

"I'm-- I'm sorry." (Y/N) sobbed.

"Are you alright?" he asked, sitting down beside her. She avoided his eyes. "Hey, hey, look at me."

She sobbed some more at her own inability to be able to look at a person and hold their gaze. Eye contact scared her, and it was hard when it was like this, when she felt like she couldn't quite do anything worthwhile.

"(Y/N), please, please don't cry.." Ulrich sounded helpless. She was looking at his crossed legs, wiping her eyes. "Is there something I can do?"

No, nobody could do anything. William was in the digital sea, Yumi hated her, she couldn't even look at people -- there was nothing that could be done.

Hands touched her face. Rough, calloused hands. Ulrich's -- penchaksilat's doing, no doubt -- and they were familiar. She had definitely felt them before. Hands that slowly tilted her face upward. She closed her eyes.

"D-don't do that." she told him and his hands dropped at once. Everything put her on edge when she couldn't breathe. But, Ulrich.... Ulrich was trying to help. "I'm having a p-panic attack. Tha-that doesn't help."

"What does help, then? I want to help."

What helps?

She wiped her eyes, lowering her head till it about touched her own cross-legged feet. Covering her mouth with her hands, she breathed in and out. The sewers were suffocating, but she needed this. The exhales came out as sobs, and no matter what she tried, they didn't stop coming out as sobs.

"G-go." (Y/N) choked out to Ulrich, still not looking at him. "It's l-late. Go."

"I won't leave you like this."

She had only known Ulrich a short time -- shorter compared to William -- but she knew that he was stubborn. And kind.

Come on, get up, (Y/N).

Slowly, (Y/N) lifted her head up and opened her eyes. She saw Ulrich's face. He sighed, looking very clearly relieved now that she was looking at him.

"Trying to calm down is difficult. I've always taken a long time after a panic attack. It's hard." she explained, trying to keep her voice as leveled as she could, but a sob and a stream of tears escaped her after the 'hard'. "Sorry that you had to see me like this."

Ulrich looked sympathetic. Kind.

"You don't have to apologize for anything, (Y/N)." he said. He looked contemplatively at her for a moment, maybe two. Then he sighed. "I can't imagine how hard this entire situation has to be for you. You're new to the whole Lyoko thing and William's a close friend of yours...."

William had noticed a long time ago that Yumi and her friends were always disappearing, always off into a world that seemed different than the ones they lived in. He told her of dreams he had, of defusing bombs to save the whole Lyoko gang, how it all felt too real to be a figment of his imagination.

(Y/N) hadn't understood then, but with dreams of zombie students and a heartfelt moment between her and Ulrich out in the snow, she had started to realize that his theories had some substance to it.

He had been right -- the Lyoko warriors were in a world of their own. And by proving his resourcefulness, he had been inducted as one of them, and -- with one thing leading to another -- so had she.

"Best friend," she corrected. How many times had he stood up for her since they had been kids? "You said that the Return to the Past won't bring him back?"

He shook his head. "No, it doesn't work that way." Then, he added, "Odd was right back there, though. William was great with that sword, and X.A.N.A will not let a good fighter go."

"But he will be under this X.A.N.A's control?"

"Not for long, you can bet on that." He set his hands on his knees. "Jeremy's good at what he does, and Aelita's his better half. We'll keep trying to bring him back."

(Y/N)'s mind thought of Mr. and Mrs. Dunbar. They were back home, going on about their night, not knowing that their son was trapped in a virtual world. An involuntary sob choked her, and as she recovered, coughing, she prayed that this truly wouldn't be for long.

"How long have all of you fought X.A.N.A?"

"Nearly two years." He scratched the back of his head with one hand, and she met his eyes again. Brown, not black, she noted to herself. "It feels like forever."

"You're... really brave." (Y/N) said quietly. Ulrich's eyes widened and she averted her gaze to the tunnels on the side. "I've only known about this for two weeks, and here you are, fighting this monster for two years with nobody knowing."

"It becomes a part of your day. I don't see heroism in it." he shrugged.

"I think it shows that... all of you really care about this world." she countered. "And everyone in it."

"I don't know what to say." Ulrich admitted. "That's nice of you."

"Thank you."

Silence followed again, but this silence was warm. Surrounded by sewage made things less ambient, but it was fine nonetheless.

"How long have you know William?"

"Four years. We... went to the same school together. He came here after his expulsion, and so did I." It was only logical.

"He's a boarder, though?"

"His parents work at our hometown since that's where their business runs. My parents shifted here so that I could travel to Kadic easily."

A thought occured to her.

"Oh no, it's too late." she whined. "I've got to go home."

She got up and dusted her clothes with her hands. Ulrich stood up too. "I'll come with you."

"No, that's alright-"

"Just until the gate. Then, I'll go back."

(Y/N) smiled, albeit a little unsure. "Are you sure?"

"Of course."

~

They walked till they got to the cityside entrance of the sewer base.

"Thank you, Ulrich." (Y/N) told him sincerely.

"Not a problem, (Y/N)." he replied. "Get home safe." A pause. "I know this wasn't really the greatest introduction to Lyoko, or to our lives, but this won't be for long." He met her eyes fiercely, with determination. "I know I haven't been the best to William, but I'll do everything I can to find him. We all will."

"I believe you." (Y/N) assured him. She looked at his hands. Calloused hands, she would always remember them for the kindness they showed her. A flicker of a dream appeared in front of her -- of him holding her hand as they ran from zombified students. It hadn't been a dream. She gently touched his hands and smiled, "Good night."

She let go, and he waved, and she walked out into the night, a smile lingering on her lips.

Ulrich watched (Y/N) go -- her (H/C) hair dancing slightly in the night wind, and watched her till she turned to the next street, where her house was.

His phone rang, and he picked the call, going back into the sewers.

"Where are you?" rang Odd's voice. "I'm back inside our room. Jim's on rounds!"

"Coming. It took a while to drop (Y/N)." He got back to the sewer tunnels. "How's Yumi?"

"She's okay. Better. Really missing that Cassanova. I still think that if (Y/N) and William hadn't shown up, you and Yumi would've fallen in love with each other instead of them."

"Odd." Ulrich hissed warningly.

"I'm not saying it's a bad thing! It's cute. Love is something you can't control."

"I'm hanging up on you." Ulrich stated before doing just so.

(Y/N) was different than most people, in that she was kinder than most people were, more empathetic. He still remembered how she had believed him when he told her that they knew how to help everyone else from the zombie attacks, and how she had accompanied him to the factory without hesitation. A Return to thhe Past had erased her memories of everything they talked about that day -- about her autism, about his vertigo, about how long they had been figting X.A.N.A. for. It was that kindness that made him fight the others to tell her about Lyoko in the first place.

He wanted that kindness -- needed it.

I believe you, she had said when he told her about X.A.N.A the first time.

I believe you, she had said when he assured her they would bring William back.

Now, all he had to do was keep his end up, and -- one day -- believe in himself enough to tell her how he felt.

~

And that's all I've got for now!

Maybe later down the line, I'll write something to elaborate on the "Attack of the Zombies" episode moments.

I really hope you enjoyed this.

[owletwriter]

Welcome to Hawkins

CHAPTER 6

Summary: Stranger Things and The Upside Down, they're both fictional, right? But what if it wasn't? What if somehow, someone comes across a gate and ends up in not only the 80s...but in Hawkins?

Slow-burn Eddie x Reader / Eddie x OC, Robin x Friendship!Reader

Disclaimer: Don't own the rights to any characters except the ones I created for this story.

Hope you enjoy!

CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5 | CHAPTER 7 | CHAPTER 8 | CHAPTER 9

------------------------------

It's been about over a week since it was concluded that there was no gate present at Hawkins High. During that time, Steve, Robin and Dustin informed the rest of the group about the situation, even contacting those who moved to California. After some brainstorming, we wound up at the same conclusion, there's nothing that could be done without a gate present.

There was even a discussion if Eleven could open one, but she doesn't have her abilities anymore and even if she did, it's not worth the risk for what might happen opening a gate. Nancy suggested getting in touch with Dr. Owens, but no one knows how to contact him since he apparently went off the grid. As of right now, I'm stuck in the 80s and until something organically happens, this is my new life.

Other than that, every day life has been normal. School, for the most part, has been lackluster. I've been lucky enough to not accidentally bump into the metalhead again. In Pre-Calculous, he skipped a few times and when he does show up, I've been making sure to be in class early, so I can keep my head down looking busy. I feel ridiculous and immature doing it, but I can't help it.

Currently, I've been trying to find someplace to move. Robin has been nothing but generous to me, even getting me a job at "Family Video" and lending me some cash to buy some clothing of my own. However, I think I've overstayed my welcome and even though she's told me it's completely fine, I feel guilty about it. Plus, her mom will get suspicious if I stay for more than the allotted time we said I'd be here.

"You really don't have to leave, you know?" Robin tells me with a sympathetic look as we get ready for school.

I shake my head replying, "Seriously, it's fine, Robin. I'll need to find a place eventually, might as well start now." Robin observes me as I shove my books into my bag and then puts her hand on my shoulder to make me turn around.

Examining my face with slight worry in her expression she asks, "Hey…are you okay?"

Giving her a convincing smile I say, "Yeah, I'm good. I'm just a little worried about my Pre-Calc test today."

"You'll definitely ace it. You're actually some type of savant when it comes to math." She jokes lightly shoving my shoulder earning a chuckle from me. It's then the routine of breakfast, Steve picking us up, and listening to the debate of the day between the two of them while heading to the high school. Today's argument is about what the best sci-fi movie is.

"Hello? It's clearly Back to the Future! Right, Kate?" Robin claims while asking me for backup.

Steve immediately shakes his head, "No way! You only think that because it's popular right now, but Dune is classic and will continue to be one." Steve says rejecting Robin's stance.

"Nope, mine is the superior one. What other movie would take the risk and show a mom wanting to bang her son? Plus, it's going to have a sequel. You only get a sequel if it's awesome." She counters his stance with a smirk.

"Mhm, yeah sure, if you're into that." He tells Robin jokingly judging her which results in her lightly shoving him and he then exclaims, "And hey that's cheating because you had future insight!" He comes up with an idea and says, "Here's an easy way to know which one is better..." Steve addresses me glancing towards the back seat, "Kate, which movie do people know about in the future?"

Robin scoffs, "Now who's the one cheating and you know Kate won't tell us, right?"

I notice a lull in their debate and realize they're waiting for me to say something, "Oh uh, yeah! Sorry can't tell you."

I then continue to gaze out the window and I can here Steve whisper to Robin, "What's with her?" I don't hear a response so I assume Robin just gave him a gesture. We arrive at the school and Steve waves a goodbye as the two of us walk away. Robin and I agree to meet at her locker this time for lunch, and then we split off to our schedules.

Again, I make sure to get to Ms. O'Donnell's class early and instead of pretending to be busy, I actually review the material before the test. Right after the bell rings, I feel the familiar presence of the metalhead passing by me and the usual bundle of nerves come, but I've been getting used to the sensation.

The test is handed out and stare at it before writing my name and the date. The 18th. Let's hope this day just goes by fast. I think as I scan the test first and then begin. It goes smoothly for me solving the problems and with the last few minutes of the class I check for any mistakes. For the rest of the classes, I go through the same motions and space out a little more than usually do.

By the time lunch rolls around, the first question out of Robin's mouth when we sit down to eat is, "How did the test go?"

"It went pretty well. I was able to answer all the problems easily." I answer while chewing after taking a bite of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

When I hear no reply I glance up to see Robin inspecting me again, then asks, "Seriously, what is going on with you?"

"What do you mean?" I ask her back a little taken aback by the question.

"You've been pretty quiet and just seem, I don't know…a bit sad?" Robin explains it the best way she can to me. "Did something happen with you-know-who? Like something embarrassing?" She assumes speaking quietly knowing I don't want it to be overheard.

"No, no! Nothing like that." I respond shaking my head and add, "I just didn't really sleep that well, so I've been feeling like a zombie all day."

Relaxing, she chuckles, "Oh yeah, I definitely know that feeling." After a bit more casual conversation, the bell rings and it's time for our History class. Looking down at my tray, Robin points down at the untouched cupcake commenting, "You didn't get to eat your cupcake."

I grab it while putting the tray back where it needs to be and say, "Ah well, I'll just save it for later." We walk over to my locker so I can put it inside while I also snatch the books I need.

It's difficult to stay focused during the class when it starts and during the whole lesson I notice Robin taking glances over at me probably still concerned. Even though it's painstakingly trudging along, the lesson eventually concludes and I stretch out my limbs before standing from my desk.

Before we part for our last class, Robin asserts, "Meet me at my locker again when your class finishes." Without questioning it, I just agree and then she turns to exit the room for her next class.

As I get the textbook for the final subject, I stare at the cupcake sitting in my locker. Screw it. I think as I shove the book back in it's spot, grab the cupcake, and close my locker making my way towards the back of the school. I exit through the back door, scan around to see if anyone is in the vicinity and take a seat on the steps near the top.

Staring down at the delectable treat in my hand, as my mind wanders. I hope Sarah is okay. I don't know how long it's been since I've been gone. I'm unsure if time works the same here versus there. It could be ten minutes or ten years. It doesn't matter I guess because it's not like I'm going back. I won't be able to see my friends, my parents, or brother again. I thought I would be spending today with Sarah. We'd probably go to our usual karaoke spot and then get some ramen from our favorite Japanese restaurant in the city. My eyes start to shed a few tears thinking about my life back during the present day. The door from behind me suddenly opens causing me to spin around to see who it is. It's the last person who I would want seeing me like this in my current state, Eddie.

"Oh sorry, I didn't know anyone else would be here." He quickly says about to turn around until he recognizes me and teases, "I didn’t think you'd be the type to skip."

I clear my throat and look down trying to hide my face with my hair while responding , "I-I…usually don't."

"Well, there's a first time for everything." He chuckles a little, but then he gets a good look at me pausing to ask, "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine." I reply not wanting to deal with him and so I turn my back to him wiping my eyes. I don't hear anything for a moment, but then there's footsteps coming towards me. From the corner of my eye, I see him take a seat next to me a couple of inches away to give me my space.

After a few more seconds of silence, he speaks up nonchalantly, "You know…I didn't think my reputation was that well known that even the new girl from New York knew who I was on her first day here."

"What?" I ask turning my head to him confused.

He smirks at me and says, "You called out my name without me ever properly introducing myself."

It takes a moment to think back to that day and when it clicks, I'm embarrassed by my slipup muttering, "Oh."

"It's cool though. I bet you heard some interesting facts about me." Eddie teases looking forward playing with his rings, but I can hear a hint of annoyance in his tone. Should I risk saying more than I know? I contemplate to myself.

Taking a breath and staring down at my cupcake in my hands, I tell him in a quiet voice, "Um…just that you play D&D and like metal."

"So you don't think of them as…" Eddie starts to say and then puts on a fake newscaster voice, "…satanic rituals."

I can't help but chuckle at his impression and reply, "I-I don't believe in that. My brother plays it…with his friends sometimes a-and he likes that music too."

From the corner of my eye, I watch him face me and asks, "Really now?" I just nod and in response he just says, "Good to know." There's another moment of silence before he speaks up again, "You might not want to squeeze that cupcake any tighter." Without realizing, the treat was slowly emerging from it's wrapper and I relax my grip sighing. "Want to tell me what's up?" The metalhead asks me, but then adds, "You don't have to if you don't-"

"It's my birthday." I interrupt him giving in after I contemplated whether to say something or not.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that usually a happy occasion?" He questions now curious as to why I'm acting somber.

"Y-Yeah…but…I…I'm not able to be with my family and friends…and no one here knows. So…" I tell him trailing off getting a little teary-eyed again.

"Party of one." Eddie finishes my sentence and I nod agreeing with him. Suddenly, Eddie stands up and I look over to see him searching his pockets. He pulls out a small piece of paper and then sits back down. I watch him carefully roll the paper, his tongue sticking out a little in concentration. Once done, he proudly holds up the stick of paper exclaiming, "A-ha!" I'm completely confused and Eddie notices, so he then leans over towards my direction which surprises me causing my heart to race faster than it already has been. I follow where Eddie's hand goes, and he sticks his creation on the top of the chocolate frosted dessert in the center. Quickly after, he fishes out from his pocket a lighter, flicks it on, and lights the tip of the paper. "Tah-dah." He says in a sing-song voice and explains, "Can't have a birthday without blowing out a candle."

I just stare at him smiling at me shocked and try to say something, "I-I…y-you…"

He gestures with his eyes and head towards the cupcake stating, "Uh...you should blow on it before it goes out. I don't think I have another piece of paper on me for a redo." As I hold the cupcake up higher to my face he adds, "Make a wish." Closing my eyes, I take a moment to think of what I want to wish for. I wish… I then blow out the flame on the makeshift candle and hear clapping. "Woo!" He shouts and I laugh at his silliness. Once the metalhead is done applauding, he finishes off the celebration grinning and says bowing his head, "Happy Birthday…M'lady." I feel like my heart skipped a beat in that moment.

"Th-Thanks, Eddie." I tell him and to show how grateful I am, I split the cupcake, then hand him half of it. We both devour our halves in a few bites while sitting in silence looking out at the field. The sound of the bell tolls indicating the end of the school day and we stand up from our spot. It's then that I remember our height difference when I view his tall stature. While walking to the door that the two of us came out of, Eddie jogs over to open it for me.

Once I reach him, he stops me before I go through the door to say, "Uh…I know it wasn't really how you imagined celebrating your birthday, but I hope that it was…something for you and that it helped a little."

Quickly studying his face, I can tell he really means it and I smile reassuring him, "It did. I…I really appreciate it."

We both enter the school again and before we part ways, he says, "I'll see you tomorrow in Ms. O'Donnell's."

I nod my head replying with a simple, "Okay." I turn walking away first, but I get the urge to look back, so I do. It's then I see Eddie still there watching me with a smirk and does a small salute when he notices that I turned around. I'm startled by it and spin back continuing to move forward. Robin's locker is close, so I head over to her with a bit of pep in my step. She's there gathering her things and once she spots me, her face goes from a casual smile to bewilderment.

"Alright…something definitely happened." Robin announces as I lean on the locker next to her and she goes on to make her observation, "This whole day you've been kind of moody and now suddenly you have a smile that looks permanently etched on your face. Spill it."

I sigh and feel a sense of guilt when I first start explaining, "So, I didn't tell you this earlier because I felt weird bringing it up, but…today's my birthday."

Robin's mouth immediately hangs agape and then shouts, "Oh my god! You should've told me!" Before I can reply, she then realizes something and continues, "I'm such an idiot! I saw your birthday on your ID and I totally forgot!"

 "I didn't expect you to remember after just glancing at it. It's totally fine, Robin." I tell her trying to comfort and calm down her slight frantic state.

"No it's not." She declares while slamming her locker shut and then says now pushing me down the hall, "I'm going to make Steve cover for us at work and we're going out to celebrate." Before I can even try to refuse, Robin answers, "Nope, not taking no for an answer."

We arrive at my locker so I can grab my things and while doing so, I finally speak up, "You don't have to feel completely bad about it because…I kind of…already had a mini…party?"

Taking hold of my shoulders, she spins me now curious questioning me with the tiny bit a jealousy in her voice, "With who?"

Now feeling embarrassment from the situation, I ramble, "I mean, it wasn't planned. I decided to skip last period and went out back with my cupcake to sit on the stairs. I was going to just kind of wallow in silence while shoving the dessert in my face, but then he interrupted me before I did that. He noticed I was upset, I told him it was my birthday and then he preceded to make me a candle. It was actually impressive thinking on the spot using a piece of paper and his lighter. I blew it out and then to show my thanks, I split the cupcake with him so we could both eat it. The bell rang, we part ways and before we did he said he'll see me tomorrow in Ms. O'Donnell's class. It's really not a big deal when you think about it."

"Ms. O'Donnell's cla-" Robin begins to say confused until a light bulb went off in her head realizing who I'm talking about and exclaims shaking my shoulders, "Holy shit! You were with Eddie!?"

I slap her hands off me shushing her and whisper, "Yes!" I close my locker and now talk at a normal volume, "Like I said it's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal!? This is huge!" She says still a little louder than I would like and then tells me, "He went out of his way to make you a candle for your birthday."

Raising my eyebrow at her while making our way to the exit I state, "It was just a piece of paper."

"Yeah, but it's not about the paper, it's what he did that means something." Robin replies and as we stand outside now waiting for Steve to pick us up she faces me to note, "He wanted to cheer you up and did. Plus, if it meant something to you, it's not just nothing." Before I can respond, we see Steve's car pulling up to us. "So, I'm thinking we first go to the arcade. After that, we'll stop by to visit Steve at work when he's done with his shift to grab a whole bunch of movies and we'll then all go back to my home to have ourselves a marathon." She tells me laying out her plan.

I chuckle amused by her schedule, "You can't forget the pizza and ice cream."

"Oh there's no way we can have a marathon without them." She comments like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "So, ready to have some fun?"

I smirk gesturing to a clueless Steve watching us and say, "Lead the way, Buckley."

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Taglist!

@edenstarkk @fentyreligion @maicclg @bellegirl16 @sadbitchfangirl  @preciousbabypeter @secretsicanthideanymore  @bookworm0492

[promisinininining]

hello :3c all questions with the number 3 ( :3c ) in them, my good friend mis! :3c

Admittedlty, I started this. I shall accept my punishment with grace (💖).

Disclaimer here that there will be references to nsfw under the cut because I peddle smut. There's also a brief mention of vomit in a snippet I share.

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic I write on my phone mainly, and I like to be curled up in a nest of some kind and comfy when I open up my Big Doc of Ideas and start typing. if it gets long enough (~1k words) I move it into its own doc. I reread constantly when I write, and often times I just sit and stare at a sentence until my brain clicks on. It also helps to bounce ideas off friends as I'm working, if I feel my steam running low. Otherwise I get into Da Zone and everything else disappear.

13. What’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow? Ah. Hm. I don't actually know many "common" tips. I find a lot of them not very useful, like "write every day" just leads to burnout. I suppose there's this: sometimes, when you write yourself into a corner and don't know how to continue, go back a little bit further and try a new direction. Still Stuck? When I don't want to write a scene I simply don't and move on. Sometimes you never have to go back. It's fine. It wasn't that important anyway.

23. Best writing advice for other writers? ARE THE TIPS NOT GOOD ENOUGH? Okay Fine. Write what you want. Write weird shit, write horny shit, write stuff that disgusts and uncomfortablises people. Write the stuff that interests you rather than what you think other people would like. I made a promise to myself when I stepped back into fandom, and that was that I wouldn't be ashamed of anything that I liked anymore, and it's been an absolute blast. (Coming back up here after a few questions) WAIT- When you don't know what to do, ask yourself, what would be sexiest? and go with that. Never fails.

30. Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished? I'm happy sharing rough drafts. I tend to edit as I go so the top of my docs always end up pretty polished as opposed to the endings... shhh. I don't tend to share much of rough drafts in public, though, some friends get basically the entire thing through screenshots, lol. I can't resist okay! I'm excited about what I'm writing! I can't keep it all inside!

31. Do you start with the characters or the plot when writing? Characters, definitely. Most of my stories are character-driven, and plot tends to happen around them, even aus are usually 'well what if they were brought up in THIS environment?' and whatever happens to them grows around what the consequences of their actions. I'm not very good at longfic and a lot of my fics are oneshot character studies so :Va Not that I'm saying I'm bad at what I do, plot is just not my priority! I Find characters, their relationships, and their personalities more fun to explore! (<- was raised on the Tales Of games)

32. Name three of your favorite fanfic writers. Fuck, okay. Well it probably doesn't surprise you that I make friends thru fanfic so I have a lot of writer friends and I don't LIKE to pick favs, simply because I don't think of them that way. That would be weird. Additionally, I only really read stuff my friends write nowadays ;w; I'll name the people who I've reached out to over completely losing my shit over their fics instead, in order of meeting them: Elcie/BurningLio, Bee/println0/slothencholy, Mango/MalevolentMango (and here, an honourary mention of Ailem for appearing alongside Mango though I hadn't read any of its fics until after we had become friends).

33. Five years from now, where do you see yourself as a writer? Sure. I don't see myself stopping any time soon.

34. Do you want to be published some day? (yes I swapped 33 and 34 by accident so sue me) Eeehhhh, as someone who writes mostly erotica I don't reaaaally see any of my stuff being published by any mainstream publishing houses. I certainly WANTED to when I was younger, and it would certainly be cool, but it's not something I am persuing or even have an interest in persuing.

35. What is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain?  They gotta be as hot as possible.

36. How do you write kissing scenes? Okay so disclaimer, I've been writing fanfic for a VERY long time. I was on the internet before I should have been. My parents didn't speak english very well, and stuff like google translate didn't even exist (rather, it did, but it wasn't very good). I was ten, and I asked Google sensei how to write kisses, and the first result took me to a yahoo questions page where the answer was something like, describe how they feel instead of the kiss itself. I then deleted my history because I was not a stupid child. I remember that advice to this day.

37. How do you choose where to end a chapter? I uh. Write oneshots. I end it where the story ends. Hope this helps :)

38. Would you ever write commissions? Yes but nothing too long. I've been meaning to open up writing commissions for literal years but I KEEP getting too sick to be able to dedicate the time it deserves to run commissions.

39. Share a snippet from a WIP Huff okay. This should be shiny and new for even you, Mango.

"Akechi-" "I'm fine," Akechi grits, spitting more acid onto the ground before he finally straightens and wipes a sleeve over his face. Akira doesn't even try to hide his expression when Akechi deigns to face them again. He states the fact plainly. "You're not fine." "Don't try to tell me what I am or not," Akechi sneers in return. He's clutching at his stomach despite his nonchalance, and a grimace clings to the edges of his pissed off expression. Akira rolls his eyes. There's no point arguing with Akechi on a good day, never mind when he's defensive and scared of being benched. They don't exactly have a choice to keep Akechi in combat as there are only three of them, and Kasumi is completely new to this kind of palace exploration. He may not be Futaba, but he has the most experience in the Metaverse by far; he's observant, meticulous, and his ability to memorise the attributes of new shadows is impressive. Akechi really had been holding back on them in Sae's Casino, and Akira isn't stupid enough to let that kind of usefulness go to waste.

43. Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters, or are you more the "If you hurt them I would kill everyone and then myself" kind of person? lmao. do i even need to answer this?

53. How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both? I'm primarily a writer. I used to read a lot but I have a hard time reading anything nowadays. I need to be doing something or else I'll EXPLODE. KABOOM. No more mis. splat like watermelon.

63. Something you hate to see in smut. I hate it when the author takes their time to write 'btw this is pure good non fetishistic sex' through the characters. It's ridiculous. I'm here for a good time not to get lectured on what safe sex is. If the reader needs to be told what consent is, I'd argue that they aren't old enough to be reading it.

73. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works? Brother I do not know. I kind of fly by the seat of my pants. Lich Rally Just Vibin.

[moondoposting]

We know Marc developed DID when he was around 8 (I believe that's how old he is in the flashbacks as a child). But I do really want to know when he was officially diagnosed. Like did Elias take him to see a psychologist as a child like in the comics where he was diagnosed or did he find out later? I really want to know how long he's known he has DID

ok disclaimer from post-writing me. i kind of typed a lot more than i thought i would. it is very stream of consciousness oh my god. also i do not have DID so any information comes from my own personal research and is not reflective of every experience. i will HAPPILY be corrected if anything ive said is harmful/incorrect. also if any of my timeline stuff is wrong!

oh my god when i say i was literally just having this exact thought anon PLEASE get out of my head

because ok

like you said, comics, we already know. but mcu, we dont get aaaaany indicators of when he found out iirc i think partially as a result of marvel's refusal to name it in the show but w/e

and its really setting me on an interesting path of thinking about marc going through most of his life like we see steven in episode 1. just kind of living his life, but with occasional blackouts that leave him somewhere he doesn't recognise having done something he doesn't remember. maybe even rationalising it to himself as a sleeping disorder like steven does.

like, the closest i could think of him finding out would be around 10 probs, if his dad takes him to a psychologist like in the comics (which side note, was so fucking well integrated and didnt feel stupid or forced literally marvel you could have just done this) or latest? honestly after his mom's death? like that event perpetuates a lot of things. and maybe the fact that he finds himself blacking out more and more prompts him to seek a diagnosis (even if he wasnt looking for a did diagnosis specifically).

mmm but then who was steven calling. i always assumed marc set up a number to call.

but then theres also khonshu saying his mind is broken or w/e and marc doesnt give an indication of either "wtf how did you know" or "wtf what are you talking about". and then theres marc saying he made the deal to "save us". but that might have been an after the fact realisation.

HONESTLY MAYBE HE ONLY FINDS OUT CAUSE KHONSHU IS MESSING AROUND IN THERE. khonshu finds this funny british guy bouncing around in his head and hes like "omg marc check this out" and marc has a whole existential crisis about it. so when khonshu finds ANOTHER guy in there hes like "yk im just gonna. keep quiet about this one" and silently feeds him snacks on the side.

cause he also doesnt mention getting booted from the army for a botched psych eval iirc!!! cant lie in an evaluation if you dont know what you have. maybe getting kicked out for the dissociative fugue state incident is what motivates him to get a diagnosis. maybe its mandated after the event. idk enough about military protocol to speak on that.

all is to say marc is definitely aware To Some Degree of what is going on with him, he just probably doesnt have a name for it. which is like. fine. diagnosis is helpful but its not the be all and end all of experience.

i think in any of these scenarios, at least when he was younger it was a lot easier to understand as an "imaginary friends" situation and maybe that faded as he grew up maybe it didnt IDK.

ok so tldr

situations where he would have gotten some kind of diagnosis that would be the most interest story-wise IMO

young, around 8-10 - follows the comics completely, has him spend most of his early life some degree of institutionalised (would explain his mental association with mental hospitals)

post military discharge - pretty big point in his backstory, would work to really solidify the shame he feels around his mental illness (being very public and on record and all that) and would make sense as there would probably be some kind of investigation into the incident that would lead to a diagnosis

post-steven's reappearance - would be the culmination of a Lot of things happening in his life to the point that even stubborn marc spector can't cope and seeks out help. would explain why layla didnt know as i personally believe he cuts contact with her after his mom's shiva. does bring into question a lot of the more solid aspects of steven's life tho, like the phone calls.

crack versions that make me laugh

khonshu just drops the bomb on marc one day and it fucks him up so severely that he never brings it up again

[halucygeno]

Mental health vent: on being neurodivergent, Kokobot and counterproductive “help”

So, I recently looked up the #Depression tag and was immediately messaged by Kokobot, Tumblr’s officially partnered mental health counselling provider. In typical late-capitalist fashion, it was absolutely atrocious at its job, and not-so-secretly a scheme to harvest people’s user data. User @viridianriver​ made a fantastic post where they summarise the issue better than I ever could, give it a read:

https://www.tumblr.com/viridianriver/722834494910038016/kokobot-the-airbnb-owned-tech-startup-data?source=share

Highly unethical shit and revolting all around. Whoever from Tumblr staff decided this was a good idea should be fuckin’ ashamed of themselves.

But this saccharine, performatively gentle parasite of a bot made me reflect on some of the ways people in real life have failed me when I’ve brought up my mental health problems. Aside from the struggle of finding a therapist who understands my style of thinking and the type of guidance I need (I’ve been through 4 different ones), I’ve often ran into an invisible wall when openly speaking to friends and family.

I’ve been meaning to write something like this for a while, and Kokobot gave me the push to articulate some of my observations - about what is helpful, what isn’t helpful, and some general patterns in how people have addressed my mental illness.

Anyway, here’s my honest advice:

[DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional. This is just an opinion based on my personal experience. Take everything I say with a tablespoon of salt.]

Seek out other people who have struggled with the same (or similar) problems as you. These are the people who are best equipped to empathise with you and see things from your perspective. I know it may sound impossible at first, but you gotta try.  

If your school / university has a counselling service, see if they run any support groups. If not, check to see if there’s something hosted independently by students or local organisations. You preferably want to talk to someone you can trust, like a family member, friend or close colleague. If there is absolutely nobody in your real-life environment you can turn to, then confiding in a stranger online is a “good enough” substitute. Obviously, maintain a good level of caution when speaking to anyone you don’t know - don’t reveal identifying information like photos, names or addresses. If your problems involve something very specific or personal, use analogies and fake names.

The reason I put emphasis on contacting others who have gone through similar issues is that people without that perspective, even if well-intentioned, can actually worsen the situation with their attempts to help.

For example, if you speak openly about your suicidal thoughts (even if you make it very clear that it’s only casual suicidal ideation, with no clear “plan” or strong compulsion to actually do it), people may panic and call emergency services, which can lead to you having to spend half an hour explaining to confused cops and medics: “no, I’m fine, I’m not about to kill or injure yourself, the caller misunderstood me, no, I don’t need a Diazepam injection, no, I don’t want to see a physician...” and so on.

Trying to open up to people who lack the proper perspective will, ironically, increase your frustration and isolation as they adopt an overprotective, patronising attitude. Your negative thoughts will be treated as aberrant and pathological (even if they are well articulated and backed with arguments), and therefore quickly dismissed as “the illness talking”. The condition will basically be used to discredit your autonomy of beliefs, and you will be pressured to adopt the standard, “healthy” attitudes and desires.

Paradoxically, while acting as if your mental illness has completely taken over your thoughts, they will also heavily underestimate its severity and treat it as an issue of “willpower”. You may hear suggestions for things like mindfulness exercises, breathing techniques, meditation, a healthier diet, homeopathic treatments, etc. While these may help in some cases (especially eating healthy), they completely ignore the fact that people on the spectrum or with attention disorders may be straight-up neurologically incapable of focusing on some of these these tasks. (This is anecdotal, but I have attempted about a dozen guided meditations + yoga, and each time it feels like being put in a straightjacket while some pretentious twat tries to gaslight me about what I’m feeling to the tune of the most annoying, cliche “relaxation” music imaginable. It’s impossible to feel anything other than frustration.)

The worst part about this is that these very deliberate displays of “care” and “sympathy” usually dehumanise you by refusing to meet you where you’re at and discuss things on your own terms.

If you’re feeling depressed because of socio-political issues like climate change, racism, economic exploitation and inequality, instead of helping you channel your frustration into action - telling you how to network with local activists, offering to read political theory with you, etc. - they will view the social concern itself as the issue and nudge you towards supressing it (saying things like “focus on your own life, then worry about politics”). Instead of trying to politically empower you, they want you to surrdener to disempowering political apathy.

If you’re feeling depressed due to difficulties with an academic or personal project, you’ll hear vague non-advice like “be kind to yourself” and “don’t push yourself too hard”, with zero actual interest in learning about the specifics of what you’re struggling with. If you’re a writer, for example, these people won’t bother to read your work, and if you ask them to give you some feedback on a draft, they’ll agree before procrastinating it into oblivion.

And don’t even get me started if your sadness stems from philosophical reflections. Most people are extremely illiterate in even conversational-level philosophy, making constant appeals to anecdotes, mysticism and “common sense”. It’s often a struggle to get them to question something they take for granted, much less make them logically evaluate the coherency of a philosophical principle.

You get the point. People say they want to help, but they seemingly want to do that without making any commitments or getting to know anything difficult about you. They can be incredibly overbearing in terms of suggesting broad, overarching lifestyle changes, but when it comes to specific habits and behaviours you yourself want to change, where you could really use a bit of coaching or encouragement, they don’t even examine it.

I understand that the kind of help I’m asking for is incredibly labour intensive and difficult - especially if someone is struggling with a highly technical skill (in which case it may be downright impossible; how are you supposed to help a friend stuck on a programming task without being a programmer yourself)? But if these people are not willing to do that, then the least they can do is shut up with their patronising self-help platitudes. It feels more alienating and depressing to constantly hear stock responses like “it will get better” than just not talking about it at all.

So yeah, look for others who have gone through the same thing. Seek practical, actionable advice instead of vague, feel-good nonsense. Don’t bother talking to those who obtusely fail to understand your condition and condescend to you - it will just exhaust you.

Those are my two cents, and better mental health advice than anything Kokobot will ever give you. Peace.