#(i did as it turned out but that didn't get diagnosed till this year)

[torc87]

I just turned 35 and for my birthday I want to say something and I hope it reaches someone who needs to hear it.

I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was 18. I really had it since I was 16. From the time I was 16 to when I was 23 I was suicidal. Never tried, couldn't hurt my baby sister like that, but I used to Pray for death.

From 23 till about 26 or so I was still lightly depressed. Not suicidal, meds helped at least a that, but hard time getting out of bed and doing anything type of depressed. Life sucked and I was not happy. Didn't crave peace anymore but also wasn't afraid of dying. Didn't care too much.

Things by 30 improved to the point that I was content a life on my 30th birthday. Not happy or satisfied, necessarily, I was still dealing w the fallout from the depression, still had off days, but I was content on that birthday.

I remember clearly just how surprised I was by that.

I'm HAPPY on this birthday.

Life isn't perfect. The fallout from spending a decade dealing w mentally illness and not being able to work is still here. I still have off days or even weeks where I avoid people. But - I'm happy enough w my work in progress life.

I'm happy I survived.

When I was 18 I DREADED having to live to 40. 20 more years of being in that pain? I swore that if I still hurt that much when I turned 40 I would permit myself to let go.

Now, five years before the deadline and I am SO grateful the Goddess didn't listen to my prayers. So grateful I lived to experience the things I have, to still be here to work on things. Now I want so many more years. Till 110 at the least!

Please, if you are fighting for your life? Keep fighting. Hold on. Don't give up. Find a reason, big, small, even for just one more day. You may not see it now, but there's hope. One day you might be very grateful you did.

[sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler]

the holidays are always really fucking weird, i dont like many of them but specifically December is just- ew

Anyway ill just thro my mini pitty party real quick:

These song explains how I feel about christmas time *perfectly*

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas by mother mother (christmas playlist)

From heres basically a trauma dump about being in the hospital, but i typically talk about this in a tone more like "oh yea! i nearly died lmao"

When i was like, just turning 6 I had 💫pneumonia💫 & needed to go to the 💫hospital💫. So I spent like, 12/11-31/15 in the hospital. along the way i had these treats happen (not really in order, 💜=story from family member, ❤=i actually remember this)

💜being diagnosed by my sisters 16 yo boyfriend by looking at my gums, whereas medical staff took 4 days

❤Some mcdonalds, cool auntys banana bread, jello & making popin cookin sets w/ my older sister

💜a 5 day medically induced coma

lung surgery therefor cool fuckin scars on my back (WHICH I CANT FUCKING SHOW ANYONE CAUSE I WAS CURSED W/ TITS AND 2/3 ARE UNDER MY BRA)

💜waking up from said coma periodically only to say "im scared" w/ my mom trying to comfort me but i had ear shit going on

💜Finnaly actually woke up, yelled "IM DEAD", which is reportadly the scariest shit my dad has ever heard, my mom asks if i hurt, i say yes, she like "ur not dead honey" again i was 6 & in & out of a coma 😂 (idk why but I've always found that story funny)

💜my parents being thretened w/ truancy by my dumbass school

❤Christmas, I had *2* mini christmas trees in my hospital room 💅 1 was cool but my cool uncle & aunty got me a pink 1 which I still have to this day as a lamp

💜only trusting 1 of my doctors cause he looked like my grandfather who'd been deceased for 2years at that point

❤💜going on walks around the kids floor in a wheelchair & stealing a little gingerbread beanie baby ornament but they didnt care so they just let me keep it & i still have it somehwere.

💜my mom met a lady who had a son who was a few months old & they didnt expect to live past a couple weeks but he *did* (more on that later)

💜had food in the cafeteria and i proceeded to rub the pizza i got *into my hair*. My response? "Its just cheese" my family and I quote that to this day lmao.

💜being reverted to a toddler for a good minute (someone asked my age i said i was 3, i was not) & needing to relearn walking, talking, the little bit of reading i knew & getting into a shower w/out being scared of being pulled down the drain

❤said dude who asked my age worked at the hospital cafeteria & we visited him after most of my appointments. miss u uncle (that was what he went by), wish u well. Dont know where he since covid cause the part of the building cafeteria was in was torn down.

❤and after all that later and i got releaced on new years eve :>

results:

From there forward i had a 20-30minute nebulizer to do every 4 hours (which my parents had to wake up at like 2am for a half hour for), 2 twice daily inhailers, 2 nasil sprays, "the tire" (tastes like shit and makes me feel anxious) (that isnt even all of it my mom counted 8 meds at one point) and i slowly dropped them year by year till they had me down to just rescue inhailer as needed & if my lungs r really shit for a min i go on the tire. (Tire=prednisolone but what 6 year old is remembering that name lol)

specialist appointments every week, then 2 weeks, then every month, 3 months, 6 months, now im at checkup every year and check in as needed

"Look whos inside again" by bo burnham is my life in a nutshell

To this day the smell of a consentrated area of hand sanatizer just has me stop in my tracks lol.

seeing a picture of tiny me on my parents facebook feed yearly of me unconscious in a hospital bed w/ tubes in mah face

couple of close friend i met post hospital (keep in mind i was like 7) didn't believe me so i ran around the playground cursing them the fuck out (never did get in trouble for that 😂) ((I still talk to 1 of them shes cool))

Idk where to put this but about that kid I was talking about before, I found out last year around this time he had just died- of 💫pneumonia💫. yea that fucked me up for a good minute, he was around 6 too which didn't help, I never even met the kid and I still had a weird form of survivors guilt.

Anyway have a merry fucking christmas i really dont get this holiday lol, treat yourself kindly, feel free to be the grinch you are and explain in detail why u hate the holidays u arent alone lol

[valen-3o]

*Lore dump p.t. 1* bcs I haven't said stuff in a while

(Valeria and Blair)

Valeria Anchor a salty 27 y/o (human years) female vampire who's main motive is to get revenge on the world. Her listener is a Seer (torch/love), they're story is a huge slow burn so it's quite a ride. Valeria has a part time occupation to blend into the real world as a bartender. She then meets her listener they're after they got stood up by a tinder date. More info on the listener story for valeria and amelia is here. The way valeria was turned is rather graphic so under the cut -> [tw: child abuse, grooming, ED, yucky stuff e.t.c]

Valeria is a foster child who was then adopted into the joñes family, therefore making Amellia and Jordan her siblings. She was slightly older then amellia, while Jordan was older than the both of them. Valeria is a Earth Wielder/Elemental and still is just doesn't use her powers as often. The father of joñes family, Tylek Joñes, adopted valeria as a trophy for the family. Tylek thought Jordan wasn't good enough so valeria was the rebound option. But it did mean valeria suffered through the consequences. Valeria was a silent child, one to keep to herself, tylek took the opportunity to do "stuff" to her for his own pleasure. Due to this valeria grew cold and distance towards her siblings (keep in mind my girl was around 7 when she got adopted so this stuff happened around 12 to 16). That wasn't the end of it though. Tylek had a business deal going on at the time with a man named Gred Reddwood 36 y/o and in simple words he did nasty stuff to valeria constantly whenever he came around to the joñes' house. One time it when too far (as if it wasn't far enough) and valeria was struggling so he bit her, he was a vampire and so valeria was turned by him. After this happened, Gred was never to show his face again and the deal was canceled. Tylek thought this was valeria's fault and....yeahhhh i dont wanna go into detail with that. Few weeks after the incident, Jordan noticed the changes to valeria. How she didn't eat anymore, she wouldn't wear her glasses as often, wouldn't come out of her room. The list could go on about how much she's changed. Valeria became suicidal, but as a vampire she couldn't 💀. So she'd lie and set up a whole disaster to make it seem like she did. But evidently she didn't and ended up running away from home with all the essential and also a few hefty grands stolen from her father. Jordan realised all of this was fake, and despised valeria till the day she dies bcs of it. It cause amelia to just go into a huge slump while tylek put all his frustration on jordan instead of valeria now. Valeria at first realsied all the money she took wasnt enough fot her scheme, so she turned to crime and met blair. With all the money valeria stole she was able to build up DABO from the ground with a few friends' help, Rufus and Monica, those two will come in future. For now they worked for her. Currently, valeria is the owner/Founder of dabo which is an agency to 💀 bad supernaturals. But is disguised as a watch company. She is diagnosed with ptsd bcs she went through all that. Valeria seeks revenge for those who did her wrong (the classic villainous plot ik)

Blair Seaner

A cocky 28 y/o female wolf shifter who is a wanted criminal as well as a highly "trusted" agent at DABO. Her listener is a fire wielder/elemental at the agency as well. Blair ended up on the streets due to her mother. Blairs parents are divorced and her mother won custody unfortunately. When Blair came out as trans, her mother had a horrid reaction, she went ballistic on Blair. Blair rarely hanged around her house and instead was around the school gymnasium or the library. If not there she'd be out doing crime for money - how she met jordan and val too. Blair was able to meet Yasmin as a tutor for her as blairs grades weren't the best eventually Blair and yasmin fell inlove and have been highschool sweethearts ever since. Blair was lucky enough to live with yasmin and her family, but to do so Blair would have to drop the crime life. So she did, but the closest thing to still work in the "crime" industry was DABO. So Blair phoned an old friend (valeria) and now is a working agent for dabo. Blair's mother has tried reaching out to her multiple times but yasmin helped Blair ignore her for the better.

That was alot, but I know Blair's isn't as detail so few changes will be made to hers but I think I'm set with valeria rn.

[storiesbykim1997inerie]

Unlikely love: Aila and Ivan pt 2

But why him? What's so special about him? I've seen that same stoic expression on boxers that Rocky has fought, but I could care less about them. As I scramble to think of reasons why I want to know more, my phone buzzes. It's Tatyana. The text reads: "Pack your bags, we're leaving for Philly." Why are we going to Philly? Don't I have swan lake? Even though ballet isn't the most popular thing, I'm pretty famous because of Rocky. But a surprise interview so close to a performance is unlikely. But I do as I'm told and pack. Tatyana told me that I won't be there for very long, so I pack the bare essentials. She comes in (I gave her a key to my apartment, she didn't break in,) just as I'm assuring myself I don't need my LED therapy mask. Skincare is one of my weaknesses. She comes upstairs, pulls it out of my hands and zips my suitcase closed. "Good afternoon to you too, Tatyana." I say it in Russian with a smirk. In addition to everything else, she taught me Russian. "Oh Aila, always prioritizing beauty." She says with a hint of a smile. "But no time for that now. We have a flight to catch." I follow her out the door and into the waiting taxi. We go through airport security surprisingly quickly. I mean, we have an our till they start boarding. That's Tatyana for you. Always ridiculously early. Even when she took me black Friday shopping we were the first ones there. I start daydreaming. About swan lake, about why I have to go to Philly, but surprisingly not about him. Sergei Vorbyov, my well, I don't if he's my ex, boyfriend. He died two years ago today. He's the him I've been talking about. Usually he's on my mind ever free moment I get. I'd known him since childhood. He came from Russia when I was in first grade. We became friends, but once we started sixth grade, that changed. Well, a lot of things changed then. Two weeks after I started school, my mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. There was still a chance she could beat it, but I stayed hopeful. But one day, she told me she was dying. I didn't want to believe it. I told her that wasn't funny, that she shouldn't joke about things like that. But right in the middle of the lecture I was giving her, she started crying. That's when I knew she was telling the truth. Apaerantly she and Rocky were childhood friends, so I was sent to live with him. But back to what changed between me and Sergei, I had a little crush on him. But one day changed everything. The day I went back to school after mom's death, I was crushed. Everyone new, and even though I'd asked them to just go on like nothing happened, my friends kept asking me if I was OK. I can't blame them, but I justed wanted one aspect of my life to be normal. Every day after it happened, for a good while, everything was a reminder of what happened. Waking up in a bed that wasn't mine, an Italian man on the floor next to me. Rocky coming to sit next to me on the bed, asking me if I was OK before pulling me into a hug, whispering "You're gonna be OK, kid," into my ear. I didn't want to leave school that say, to go back to those reminders. But just when I started walking home, Sergei ran up to me, and asked me if we could walk home together. I said yes, and we did. He didn't say anything, but halfway home, he took my hand in his. That's when I knew I loved him, not just liked him. We stayed friends, but I still loved him. I confessed at sixteen, and dated from then till his death. He moved to New York with me when I got accepted into ballet school, turning down a scholarship that was a lot closer to home. He wanted to be a doctor, but he died before his residency even started. It was a car crash, I was on my period, and went out to get me chocolate. But some asshole hit him head on when he was pulling out if the gas station. I remember the crushing feeling that was too familiar. I remember selling my car, afraid the same thing would happen to me. He's been in thoughts ever since that day. But now I'm thinking about Ivan. And I'm not sure I like it.

[hyvnjinfm]

hello hello !! my name is urban & i'm hyunjin's mun <3 i use she & they pronouns & i'm in the cst timezone. below the cut is some background information & some facts on hyunjin. tw: religious trauma, drug use, internalized & plain ol' homophobia !!!!!

{ URBAN, 21, CST, SHE/THEY } —— look who’s joining the infinite tour! only JO HYUNJIN, who is the MAIN VOCALIST OF BRAVEHEART. i’ve heard whispers that the TWENTY-THREE year old is pretty ACCEPTING but lowkey CYNICAL. also, doesn’t she remind you of KIM YERIM?

stats page. pinterest board. ( wip ) wanted connections. ( also wip )

♡ past & present ♡

born in busan & lived there till she was fourteen !! ever since she was about seven years old, she's been obsessed with music. it's had a huge influence on her life.

her parents are professional musicians, they play in orchestras during musicals, operas, and other performances. they supported her all the way through her journey exploring different instruments and developing her voice. she was more serious about singing than anything else she did, though she did enjoy playing the violin.

she eventually discovered she also enjoyed dancing, but was noticeably less proficient at that. still, she was determined to dance.

she was raised in a christian family and went to an extremely christian private school most of her life. she realized after she left how much it messed with her, but she was a huge rebel in school and was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder for being herself. she was also diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, which heavily impacted/impacts her day to day life.

her parents and peers would spout homophobia rhetoric constantly, which caused her a lot of distress. she was already considered a bad apple by her anyone not in her immediate family.

her parents were surprisingly kind and patient with her, despite being intolerant of many other things.

one thing hyunjin really actually enjoyed was singing in the choir, she finds choir music to be one of the most beautiful things in the world.

she switched to a performing arts high school & moved to seoul when she was fourteen.

while she was made fun of occasionally, she mostly stayed out of people's way so the taunting was kept to a minimum. she found it was easier to be quiet than be loud, it attracted less attention to her. she only liked getting attention for her beautiful voice and face.

she started training at fourteen as well, she tried to keep it a secret because she didn't want to get told she'd never make it. hyunjin's always known she was meant for stardom.

it was a rough three years, but she eventually debuted when she turned seventeen. it took about a year for her to adjust to being an idol, it was really hard for hyunjin but her parents continued their support.

the attention braveheart was getting was bittersweet, the hate really weighed on her but she was shown just as much love.

she LOVES valentines with her entire soul, fans are always pointing out how excited she is every time she meets a fan.

however, with other idols she's known to be a bit stand offish and easily irritated. she feels like most idols aren't in it for the music, but rather the money and fame. you have to be extremely determined to be her friend to actually break through to her.

she comes off very friendly and kinda, but definitely judges people in her head and doesn't share much about herself. someone can consider her a friend, but she won't consider them one.

obsessed with the other members of braveheart tho. like OBSESSED.

♡ fun facts !! ♡

hyunjin is also OBSESSED with all things weird and unconventional. because of this, i like to say she is an acquired taste. she's insecure about it, but also doesn't completely understand why she is. she has a really hard time processing her emotions and will often take them out on others.

she still plays to this day & makes up violin versions of braveheart's songs.

she believes in ghosts and spirits, also interested in the occult and witchcraft. basically everything she was taught is bad.

hyunjin loves collecting animal bones, but she doesn't talk about it on television or to anyone besides her members and close friends.

big psychadelic girl, she only started trying them to see different perspectives of the world and maybe connect with supernatural beings. it doesn't really work, she just stares at her shoe laces most of the time.

she's super lowkey about her usage, often doing it by herself without a trip sitter. it's not fun sometimes, but she doesn't really care lmfao.

hyunjin will watch every gory movie and show and eat at the same time.

she listens to abba and mitski religiously. she has a secret tattoo of garfield the cat saying "mitski." ( not me stealing this idea from my friend )

hyunjin is just really weird and insecure and also doesn't care about anything. please be nice

[yourmoonmomma]

4 HOURS SINCE SUNDAY? WHYYYYYY ??!?!

Because the sun came out! I don't know what it is but every year, without fail, March hits and something starts to turn on in my brain, and by the time May is here, I am Awake in a way I hadn't been all winter. It's like clockwork. I THINK, if I remember correctly & can judge it accurately, it is worse some years than others. But that's not relevant to your question lol. I don't know why. I just can't sleep because there is so much to do and learn and say and read. i didn't sleep at all after whatever time I woke up Sunday (i have to check with Jayson tbh, i know i was up all Saturday night, so im not sure if i even slept Sunday, but I'm going to ASSUME i did at some point), till last night. And, if you know anything about sleep it should be that people need it, so my psychosis was REALLY acting up last night, from not sleeping for so long. Sooo a 4 hour nap! and now here we are :3 I AM going to try, against my body & brain's wishes, to sleep a bit more tonight at some point, because I know it's dangerous (and Jayson gets really upset when he realizes I'm not sleeping).

So yea idk!! I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 in 2018, but undiagnosed myself in... 2020? so I don't think it's that, because i don't think I have it, but some others in my life may say that's why i'm not sleeping. i think it could also just be the way i cope with grief, this feels very, very similar in a scary way to how i felt after John died, so it could just be the grief. but idk! I will try to sleep soon though <33

[1ts-4ll-1ust-w0rd-v0m1t]

ABOUT JEVA/COLLECTION OF WORK

Hey! I'm who you'll call Jeva!

Jeva is not my irl name, but it is my chosen initials irl. It will work for here!

I'm a novice at writing, but I definitely use it as a coping mechanism. Even further, it's some of my art, and I want to share my art dammit! Even if it usually comes from my pain. Especially since writing is one of my healthier coping mechanisms, and it should be encouraged.

My poems are usually written while having an emotional "high," which so far has only been negative or somewhat bittersweet. Some of my poems were written years ago when I was still a teenager, and I think they contain that specific youth. Two of them (the love poems) were written more recently. I'm planning on getting into writing more as it's always been an interest of mine, just not one I thought was personally achievable. I don't think it's healthy to restrict myself like that, and I'm trying to work on that part of myself to be more free.

The story I'm writing is something I've been planning in my head for years with no idea what to do with. I was hung up on it being just right and everything. so hung up that I became worried that I wouldn't bring it into existence at all! So I decided to just wing it! It's never going to be perfect anyway, so why not embrace chaos!

That was a lot about my writing,

I should probably talk more about myself. I'm 21 year old trans man, and I'm gender nonconforming, so my pronouns are he/they, I'm also bisexual, demi aroace and in a T4T relationship with my boyfriend/partner/comrade of 13+ years. So I'm with all that I'm just a .little gay boy, I don't care.

I'm officially diagnosed with ptsd/left open to c-ptsd, generalized anxiety, major depressive disorder, and autism. So if you're ever looking at my art and wondering "what the fuck is wrong with this guy?" that's just what I have medically recognized. I believe I have more going on, in terms of I think I have adhd/add, dyslexia, a dissociative disorder from trauma, etc...

I want to organize everything somehow attached to here so everyone can have a base to go off of, including myself. I'm okay with people giving me notes on my writing. Depending on what is said, I might implement it into my writing and poetry. It also depends on how what is said is said to me. If you come at me being a dick I probably won't respond well, I don't listen to dicks, I suck them. I believe respect is earned, not given. That being said, if you see anything you believe to be a word error, misspelling, bad or lacking punctuation, grammar errors, it would be appreciated if it was pointed out to me. Sometimes, I purposefully use grammar in a way people may think is off because it conveys the point better. Grammar and language is subjective, and I tell you whether it was intentional or not! As for spelling mistakes and whatnot, as I mentioned, I'm probably dyslexic or idk just illiterate. I legitimately don't see it. It's actually really helpful to have it pointed out. Just be a meany. My excuse for but punctuation is that I legitimately was never taught, like I didn't understand when I was taught and when I asked for extra help I was just told, "well what do you think needs to go there?" So, um, I have a fragile understanding of how punctuation works, I just fake it till I make it. Thank you if you end up helping me!

Thank you for reading this, If you did! I hope you enjoy my chaos!

My poem collection...

My AO3

[nookishposts]

Seasons and Reasons

Getting older comes with loss. But we can hold space and make space at the same time, because life goes on in its way and all we can do is try to honour all of it's seasons.

Just this past week alone, I learned of the death of someone once very dear, reconnected with someone else very special from long ago, and ended a 27 year aspect of my self-identity.

About 35 years ago I developed an autoimmune illness that took 3 years to diagnose and another year or so to learn to manage. It was a scary and unpredictable time, but I was eventually able to return to school to become a masseuse and reflexologist, the thinking being that portable self-employment would give me the flexibility to deal with health flares as they came. It was a very good decision and those skills took me places I might not otherwise have experienced: including hospice palliative care. The personal mission I developed was to make hands-on body work accessible to people who might experience personal barriers due to physical and/or emotional trauma, dysmorphia, etc. I simply wanted to provide muscle comfort in a safe space. I understood through my own experiences the many barriers to becoming comfortable in one's own body. Everybody who ever graced my table taught me a great deal. I'd like to think that they helped me become more as a person, more empathetic, inclusive, and compassionate.

After 27 years, my neck and my hands have let me know they've had enough, through wrist cysts and compressed discs. If I am lucky I will get another 25-30 years on the planet and I don't want to spend them in pain because I didn't listen to my own body. I have been reducing my practice slowly for months, and a couple of days ago I finished strong with two 90-minute sessions back to back. I gave myself every advantage beforehand, a B12 shot, extra rest, Advil and lots of water. It was important to me to maintain my A game right till the final flourish. I came away very satisfied and of course a little sad. I sold my travel table, gave away a few tools of the trade and am deciding what to do with what's left. I will keep a few things around to help myself and my Beloved deal with our own aches and stiffness. I will continue to make my special salve. But, I also know that I will need to find something to fill the gap left by retirement of this sort; we tend to choose the professions we stand to gain the most from, and for 27 years, through assisting others, I came to some peace with my own traumas, my own body, my own sense of safety and comfort.

As we travel, we grow distant from certain people and places out of necessity and/or circumstance. I got word that someone who had been key in my younger adult life had died of an illness I wasn't even aware they had. While I express my condolences to her family and friends, I also selfishly wonder why I hadn't heard about it sooner, and if i could have helped make that transition any smoother. I wish I'd had some opportunity to say goodbye and a few other things. There is no doubt in my mind that she was very well supported.

Among the few people who did reach out to tell me about this individual's death was someone I would not have expected to hear from. Someone I'd hurt a long time ago , and whom I know has had some major losses and challenges of her own. The conversation was brief but kind, and I feel we both came away with the understanding that scar tissue, given time,becomes its own strength.

Between the two experiences, my mind overflowed with memories of a time in my life that was by turns, selfish and exhilarating. In our 20s, few of us have any clue as to who we are let alone who we might become or the effect we have on other people. At 62, I have a better idea, and I cannot help but cringe at so many of the things I did then that I would do so much differently now. That is what maturity brings; a bittersweet perspective. Forgiving myself is something I'm still figuring out. Funny how we can be kinder to others more easily than we can to the face in the mirror. We forget sometimes that we are mirrors of one another but seem to need a separate subset of rules. I think back to those youthful days and cannot help but smile at the antics, the drama, the sense of entitlement and immortality. In spite of my arrogant mistakes, I am grateful for the lessons that came with them. Grateful for a sense of humor that endures, and the unbelievable patience of those who have loved me in spite of myself. There is no going back. Wonderful memories soften the edges if we let them.

I'm figuring out how to make a living, most self-employed people have no pension to rely on and must keep working to satisfy needs that are far more important than financial. We define ourselves to a great extent by the work that we do and the company we keep. I am so damned lucky to have always found myself in good company even when I didn't know it at the time. The work with come, and so will more mistakes, more lessons, more understanding. Letting go, for the best of reasons, or even when we have no choice, is a lesson in humility. Its all about the threads in the tapestry we weave as we live; which by the time we die, will be substantial enough to keep us warm in the memories of others.

[inexplicably-spookified]

oh yeah i feel like rambling about usagi so here's a collection of fun facts from over the years

takes after her father physically (most notably in terms of ear shape) but has a more stocky, shorter build like her mother

grew up in a small, isolated village built by a group of refugees who had nowhere to go after the war - there's only a handful of members, and most of them are younger, having been taken in as orphans during/post-war

since she was raised by her father, she gets a lot of her personality from him, and a lot of her traits are a result of a slightly sheltered, biased upbringing - not being able to read human writing, a mistrust of humans/human-made creations, etc. however, her hatred of robots, while certainly encouraged by her father, stems from her experiences during the war as a young child

if she were a human she'd most likely have super short hair but i draw her human form with long hair to mimic her ears. also she would teach crossfit and constantly attempt to convince her friends to sign up, not for the money but because she's just super enthusiastic about it

the kind of person who will try and strike up a conversation with random strangers - she's quite social, to the point where she'll talk to anyone, even humans, if she's stuck with one and bored enough

her favourite food is dried dandelion roots (she likes to chew on them), her favourite colour is (unsurprisingly) green, and she has a mild fear of wide open spaces

she got her scar at a young age doing something stupid but i haven't decided what yet and i think it's funnier to keep it a mystery. if asked about it, she makes up some wildly different and untrue story each time.

despite her social nature she likes to wander around by herself, though she'll always stop by her village and makes an effort to catch up and check in with her various friends

[gryffindordaughterofathena]

THE INTERN AND THE ATTENDING

Book : Open Heart Book 1

Pairing : Ethan Ramsey x Diana Ramirez

Word Count : 710 (it's a small one)

Category : Can I call this fluff? It's definitely not angst. You can probably call this the early stage of good ol' pining.

Warning : None

Summary : It's the first day for the interns at Edenbrook and is it possible that some things are changing for Dr. Ramsey?

A/N : Since we did chapters 1 and 2 of book 1 this week, I thought that it would be a nice opportunity to write more for book 1. Also, I tried writing from multiple POVs this time. I hope it turned out okay.

Everyone knew Dr. Ethan Ramsey hated interns, somehow even the interns knew that before stepping through the doors of Edenbrook Hospital.

Everyone gave him a wide berth for that very reason, no one wants to get on the bad side of the ridiculously attractive attending.

Ines knew that from her first week here and she did her best in passing on the information to the interns in the subtlest ways possible without risking the irk of the higher ups.

That was definitely what she meant when she warned Dr. Ramirez about not annoying the attendings and by the looks of it she had already managed to get his attention in the least flattering way....

Ines wasn't meant to be there

She had her patient consultation in room 12 and she happened to be on the way when she heard Ramsey calling a code blue and stopped in her tracks.

And there was Dr. Ramirez, scalpel in her shaking hands, kneeling before a middle aged woman in the artrium with Dr. Ramsey beside her, his gaze stern.

She fully expected the poor intern to be ripped a new in front of everyone, unable to see it Ines turned her face away....but the blow didn't come, intrigued Ines turned towards the scene once again, what she saw wasn't something she thought she would ever see.

Dr. Ramsey had the intern's hand held in his, steadying her shaking scalpel,he held her hand till Dr. Ramirez was completely calm

For once,there wasn't any harshness in the rude attending

For once, he emanated something other than anger

For once,Ethan Ramsey showed the trace of a different human being underneath that hard exterior.

Smiling,Ines made her way to the patient room. Maybe things would go differently this year.

There's no harm in hoping....

Dr. Naveen Banerjee was nothing if not punctual. He was always just in time, whether it was a diagnostic team meeting or a promised lunch in Ethan's office.

But it surprised him that Ethan was nowhere in his office ten minutes into their limited time for lunch.

“Finally made your appearance Ethan?”

“Barb won't take her medicines”, came the annoyed response from his student.

“Or perhaps you were busy with a snack?” Naveen asked, his eyes alight with mischief. “Or maybe you were giving an autograph to an adoring fan hmmm?”

“How―” Naveen burst out laughing at the distressed look on Ethan's face. “Oh please son, I was the one who taught you observation while diagnosing patients”, he pointed towards the wrapper peeking out of Ethan's coat pocket,“Plus it doesn't hurt to keep up with hospital gossip about a certain attending giving an autograph for the first time.”

At the sight of Ethan pinching the bridge of his nose, Naveen gave up on the teasing, “Now don't delay anymore, the amazing rice and fish is getting cold, you won't want that, unless you know, you want some more sweet treats”

Despite the resounding groan from his protégé, Naveen didn't fail to notice him staring at the wrapper for a second too long before dropping it and joining him.

Naveen hid the small smile on his face before Ethan could see it.

Reggie was tired, it was almost time for the last call but he was pleased. Business always bloomed during the intern orientation week at the hospital. It was exhausting but his heavy pocket made up for it.

“Five minutes to last call!!” he called in a practiced voice, slowly the customers started trickling out. The pretty intern he saw earlier and her entourage was leaving together, she gave him a smile as she made her way out.

Reggie picked out his usual drink and joined the lone figure who had moved himself to the beer garden. “I have never seen you allowing someone from the hospital to drink with you before", he said, more to himself than to his companion. For a minute there was no sound, except the catchy country tune flooding the empty beer garden and then came a soft response almost lost in the music, “She has the potential and I was needlessly hard on her today...”, the rest of his mumbled answer was lost in the night air, “Plus it doesn't hurt that she's easy for the eyes” Reggie grinned.

It seemed like the doctor hadn't heard him.

If you have read this far, Thank you. It's been a long time since my last fic, but it feels good to be back in the fray and if things go well there might be a few more fics in the coming days.

– Dri

Tagging:

@caseyvalentineramsey @jamespotterthefirst @drariellevalentine @rookie-ramsey @openheartfanfics @miss-smrxtiee @terrm9 @genevievemd @aestheticartsx @fireycookie @maurine07 @starrystarrytrouble @schnitzelbutterfingers @tsrookie @anntoldstories @iemcpbchoices

@stygianflood @sophxwithers @actuallybored @iloveethanramsey @natureblooms24 @mm2305 @mrsethanfreakingramsey @smilex1104 @missmiimiie @choicesbookclub

[1-800-imagines]

Summer Love |h.s|

no control part 1

tw: aggressive, douche bf (not harry)

Rowan was more excited for her second year of college at Dartmouth. She had a boyfriend and she was going to be a teaching assistant for English 1301. She had taken the course the year before and loved the professor. Dr. Montgomery had been impressed with Rowan that she had offered her a job for the next year and now Rowan basically was in charge of the class. She lectured, gave tests and quizzes, and graded papers. Dr. Montgomery was just there as a supervisor if Rowan had questions.

She was also excited for her classes because she was now able to take her major related courses. She adored English with her whole heart and now her schedule was full of English classes instead of just the basics. She had her classes that she was taking on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's. And she taught two English 1301 classes on Tuesday and Thursday back to back.

Rowan was anxious about teaching. She was only 19. Her students would be the same age as her and might be in her other classes. It was the day before classes started and Rowan had moved into her apartment that day. It was a late start but her parents had wanted her home for as much as possible since she didn't come home much during the school year. Boston was only 2 hours away but Rowan didn't have a car.

Carter had helped Rowan move all her stuff in. Her parents had kissed her goodbye and left leaving the couple alone. Rowan flopped on her bed and laid back. She was exhausted from moving all the shit. She wanted a nap, but Carter was on her. "Not now, Cart," She mumbled with her eyes still closed.

"Come on, Ro. I helped you move all your heavy shit in and now you're gonna hold out on me," Carter said, his voice laced with guilt. Rowan sighed, but didn't move.

"No, I'm tired." She opened her eyes to look at him, "I'm sorry. Can't we nap and maybe after?" She asked him.

"God, you're such a bitch, Rowan." He snapped. His sweet attitude from earlier with his parents disappearing. He stood up from her bed and left with a huff, slamming the door. "Don't fucking text me." He yelled and the apartment door slammed again.

Rowan sighed again and shut her eyes. She honestly didn't care enough right now to deal with Carter and his antics. She was too tired. Their summer had been fun, but their relationship relied on sex and whenever Rowan didn't want to, he would get extremely mad and throw a fit. Rowan drifted into sleep without setting an alarm. It was only about 4:30.

——

When Rowan woke up, it was midnight. "Shit," She swore under her breath. She still had a LOT of stuff to do to prepare for classes and meeting with Dr. Montgomery tomorrow. On top of that, she probably wouldn't be able to sleep through the night. She sat up and looked around for her phone. When she turned it on she saw she had about 25 texts from Carter ranging from him being extremely angry to also saying he loved her and he was sorry. Rowan didn't want to deal with it. She plugged her phone into the charger and got up to finish dealing with her shit.

She was done prepping at 3am. And she had her first class at 9. She didn't have a car so she still had to walk to campus but she didn't live far. She was going to leave at 8 so she could pick up breakfast from the coffee stand. So in reality she needed to get up at 6:30 to shower. Rowan groaned thinking about everything and fell back in her bed. She set multiple alarms and fell back asleep.

At 6:30 sharp the alarm clock blared and she sprang out of bed, not wanting to be late. Her anxiety was always the worst on the first day. She actually had diagnosed anxiety and depression. She jumped into the shower to jolt herself awake. Mornings were always the hardest for Ro. She never wanted to get herself out of bed.

She let herself stay in the shower for 30 minutes and then get out and fully get ready. She dried her hair and put on some makeup. Her hair was generally pretty straight and currently was platinum blonde. She was a natural blonde but she liked it platinum best. She pulled on some ripped skinny jeans and a button up. It was 7:45 so she was good on time. She grabbed her vans and backpack and walked out the door, finally answering Carter. She simply just texted him, 'It's fine. See you after classes. R'

Before she shut the door, she yelled at her roommate, "Bye Ari!" Her best friend and roommate didn't have class till later but Rowan liked yelling at her start waking her up. Ari was even less of a morning person than Rowan.

Rowan made the trek to campus and to the coffee stand. She was in line, only kind of paying attention when it was her turn. "Hi, can I get a large double shot of espresso with cream and sugar? And then a bagel with butter?" The cashier nodded and she paid for her breakfast with her cash and change that was left from summer. She had a little bit of money from summer babysitting and knew she had to be careful about spending until the paychecks started rolling in.

Rowan turned on her foot to go wait for her order when she bumped into a very tall man, "Oh shit, I'm sorry." She said, dropping all her money on the floor, "Fuck." She had a major problem with swearing.

The man chuckled and bent down to help her pick up the money, "Don't worry about it, love." He had a thick british accent. He handed her the money and her heart skipped a beat. She realized she was staring and got a hold of herself.

"Thank you! Sorry again." She smiled and went over to wait for her coffee, slightly mortified. Rowan took out her phone to look down and texted Ari. 'I'm the biggest dumbass. I ran into this gorgeous man and dropped my fucking CHANGE at his feet and he picked it up for me and now I'm standing here looking like a fucking DORK'

She knew Ari wouldn't be awake yet, but it was a relief to tell someone even if they wouldn't read it till later.

The mysterious man walked over to wait next to Rowan and Rowan's heart was beating incredibly fast. How did someone have this effect on her? Carter sure didn't. "Rowan!" It snapped her out of her trance. She grabbed her order and awkwardly smiled at the man.

"Have a good day," The man said and Rowan nearly tripped.

"You too!" She said and ran off to try to avoid further embarrassing herself. "Jesus christ, get yourself together Rowan." She swore at herself and went to sit outside her class to eat.

Her first 4 classes went by quickly. She had biology, fiction & poetry, creative writing, and history all back to back. Then she had a break which overlapped with Ari. The two talked about Rowan's embarrassment of the day and Rowan saluted her and went to the class she was most excited about: Shakespeare's Greatest Works. It was taught by a new Professor.

She walked into class before it started and sat in the second row. She took out her notebook for that class and waited for class to start. On the dot of the hour, the door opened and Rowan gasped.

"Oh fuck me." She said a little bit too loudly. It caught the professor's attention and he smirked at her, giving her a little grin. It was the man from earlier.

"Alright class, I'm Professor Styles. Nice to meet you all." Rowan's heart nearly fell out of her chest.

[gomitatsu]

life as a neurodivergent adult, yay

My mental health has been bad for god knows how long. I've been to therapy and it helps, but it's not until recently that I found out that I have been treating only a small part of my issues.

I recently have been going through the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis, but it has been pretty solidly confirmed that I do have ADHD. It is in my family(my dad defiantly has it too), but I wasn't diagnosed as a younger kid for it and only have been being treated for depression and anxiety. Why? Well, let's discuss.

There's this thing where those who are assigned female at birth are diagnosed with things like ADHD or autism at a far less rate compared to those assigned male at birth, which means many people go through youth and most of their adult life(if not all) dealing with disabilities without knowing it. Or even knowing it but not being able to get the proper support or help as assistance and tools for adult assessments are very hard to find and even harder to afford as many of these people don't accept insurance. And with not having that help early on in life, you begin to mask to try to fit in and get through daily life. And so I only recently realized in the last two years that maybe there was more to why it was so hard to keep a job or do any schooling or keep healthy social relationships than just depression and anxiety. And it's only in the last couple of months that I finally found a person who could get me a proper diagnosis.

So now what did I notice that made me realize that I had ADHD, well I'll tell you. If you relate to any of these please talk to a therapist or mental health professional. Be careful with self-diagnosing;

Never able to focus on one thing at a time, UNLESS its something I really REALLY like (hyper fixation)

really bad sleep schedule, which means I don't ever sleep unless I'm absolutely exhausted and I can't ever seem to fix said sleep schedule (I'm writing this at 2:18 AM which is still pretty early for me)

Caffeine makes me more sleepy and doesn't get me 'hyper', like to have a latte before bed

Need to have headphones with me ALWAYs, ger freaked out when I don't have control over my hearing (Sensory issues, I get overwhelmed by sounds a lot)

Forgetful, I will forget anything from an item to a word to the time of a hangout (which really screwed me over history tests)

My brain never turns off, I constantly have thoughts going through my head. I compare it to having a flood gate with no door for a brain, so my thoughts just keep flooding my mind even if the thoughts are that I have no thoughts

I do a lot of physical stims, like tapping my fingers together or shaking my hands (I once did the chicken dance and didn't really notice till someone pointed it out, was so embarrassed afterward)

keeping social relationships is hard, feels like I need to go by a script when I interact with people I'm not comfortable with (I call it wearing a person suit when I'm talking with customers or coworkers)

Can never relax, not being hyper per se just not being able to sit still

lack of motivation to do anything, like cooking food or cleaning my apartment. It also makes doing things I enjoy like drawing or reading hard to do too

Now, some of those can also point to being Autistic, which is something my therapist thinks I could be too. But I'm only sure of the ADHD part so I'm mainly referring to this in terms of an ADHD mind. But they do overlap in some places and it won't hurt to talk to a professional if you feel you could be on the spectrum as well.

I recently quit my job, and have been struggling to find something new that would work with how my brain works. But it's been really hard and I had a breakdown today in terms of money worries. Only getting the help and tools now is hard and exhausting, and I hope that people are diagnosing those assigned females at birth more often, as I have heard from enough people who like me were diagnosed later in life or never at all about how tough it makes your life. It makes it feel like there is no stable ground to stand on. Life is just constant tight rope performance, with no end in sight. Or even a place to rest.

I'm hoping that through talking with the resources I have in my life, and being more honest with them about what my needs are and what I'm going through, I'll be able to get the tools I need to keep going much more comfortably.

I wish all of those going through similar things good luck, you got this. And if you need someone to talk to about it, here's one person on the internet who understands.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

My therapist has done nothing for me--the only thing I hope that she comes through on without any bells and whistles attached is getting the top surgery letter I need to present to my surgeon so I can finally be free of this chest. She's made me feel ashamed for having DID..{She's not educated/licensed in it but still feels the need to make comments..even going as far as saying as I 'identify' with it like DID is some kinda sexuality..Thankfully I got diagnosed by a more competent therapist for the DID way before I had the displeasure of meeting her.} She even asked "Does everyone in your system approve of the top surgery?" like..bitch????..they're all Male????..and they want the best for me??..Why wouldn't they want me to get top surgery???? She's made me feel ashamed of being Trans {Telling me that sometimes top surgery isn't enough/right for trans people and that it could all --even being on hormones since May of 2021 and having presented as Male since I was in middle school --I'm 32 now-- be a trauma response..I know I'm fucking Male and I have always been one.} She told me one day when I was being really rude to myself and telling her that I was never going to find love because I'm broken/ugly/worthless/etc. and she goes "Even ugly people find love!" and holy shit that fucking hurt. One time she even said she didn't want to feel like she was walking on eggshells around me..{She's supposed to be educated in BPD/etc. and shit like we're diagnosed with and does DMT or..whatever the hell it's called,I'm sorry I'm bad at abbreviations but it's a bunch of mindfullness bullshit and a ton of group classes/group talk that would've been WAY too expensive to do for three hours a day --I'm on insurance-- and she expected me to be fronting --everytime-- the --whole time-- which is impossible due to all of my trauma/etc. and then buy a textbook for 30 something bucks when I'm on a fixed income each month with disability and have bills and shit to pay.} Then she told me that 'she didn't know but--' they could decline my top surgery because I have DID and I've literally been in the worst state mentally/physically ever since she told me that..like..I've been waiting YEARS to even get this far and now she's going to tell me speculated things on shit she's clearly not educated on????? I'm only putting up with her (besides making it painfully fucking obvious how she hurt me in the most recent diary entries that she checks before each session) only until she gets my letter taken care of and then I'm on a waitling list for a new therapist (who's actually educated in DID and other stuff.) till the end of january when her patient list opens up...But holy shit,I've been through A LOT of bad therapists but no one like her? I've been sick and spiraling mentally/physically {for the second time since her last 'slip up'} since Tuesday because of how badly her words have effected me but I know she'll turn it around on me our next session and make me guilty like she did last time when I voiced how bad she made me feel/etc. {This bitch is literally doctorate level.} If they decline my top surgery or anything else,my mental/physical health is going to go into the gutter and never come out. It'll fucking destroy me. I'm so fucking scared/anxious/depressed and everything else in between and my BPD and other shit is having a fucking buffet with all of this shit it can attach to. I'm still dealing with all the bad symptoms of the pills my old doctor {no relation to therapist above} decided to put me on without any tests/etc. and I stopped taking those early last year..I literally almost got offed from the side effects and how they interacted with my body and that doctor didn't care (she made so many transphobic comments and asked so many invasive questions and shit when I was there..right down to how they make everything for bottom surgery and then made fun of my anxiety about pap-smears/etc. because I'm a //// and CSA survivor and then she lied about hooking me up with a really great LGBTQIA doctor and had her nurse yell at me when I

asked why she was making promises for things she wasn't educated in/actually had no connections with) I'm sorry for the vent dump. I've literally got no one/am alone in every way possible and this is just so god damn much.. I'm so tired of constantly suffering.

Hey there,

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You deserve to be treated much better. It's not fair at all that you have to jump through these hoops. I wish it was easier. Please hold on.

I hope you get a new therapist soon. I hope all of this gets sorted soon. You deserve to get the things you want.

Take care. Reach out to us anytime.

- Mod Misa

[shra-vasti]

JEON WONWOO

Series : To all the boys

Pairing : Jeon Wonwoo x reader

Type : non idol au, ex-lovers au

Genre : angst, drama, fluff, romance

Warnings : none

Word count : 1.5k approx

Synopsis : You decided to write some letters to every boy who was a part of your past as your last message after getting diagnosed with chronical disease.

MAIN MASTERLIST

[Received, 09.10.2020] | one | previous | next

You glared at Wonwoo when he tried to reach for your hand for the umpteenth time, you were angry at him and wanted to be in peace alone but he wasn't having any of it.

"Why are you so angry at me, is Seokmin that important to you?"

His question made you stop in your track, you crossed your arms across your chest clearly irritated at him.

"His importance isn't the topic of discussion but you beating him up just because he confessed he has feelings for me is."

He rolled his eyes at you making you huff in annoyance in return. You had just come to know about Wonwoo beating Seokmin up just because he confessed of having feelings for you.

"I just wanted to see if he was joking around, don't want your feeling to get hurt."

"How ironic."

"Don't show your attitude to me."

"Wonwoo please, I told you we are just talking, he did say he had feelings for me but that doesn't give you any right to beat him up."

He shook his head getting more and more irritated as the argument continued. He couldn't understand why you were getting so defensive over Seokmin, whose presence was unknown to you few months prior.

"Okay, I confess I may have threatened him and warn him to never play with your feelings and I may have grabbed his collar in this process but I just bluffed in front of you when I said I beat him up, I didn't know you would get so defensive of your lover."

You faceplamed yourself shocked to even think any of this being real.

"I for sure knew what he feels for me is genuine, you didn't have to confirm it like that but tell me what do you think? He's playing with me or?"

Wonwoo looked at you then at his feet, contemplating what to do to which you just groan in frustration making him sigh and continue.

"He genuinely feels for you, he's a good guy he'll keep you happy."

"You think so?"

"Well, he promised me."

"So, you want to say you're okay with me dating him?"

Wonwoo's breath hitched as he looked at you, he knew Seokmin would keep you happy but he wanted to be selfish and keep you at bay.

"You can date him if you want."

You waited for him to continue, your own heart beating loudly as thoughts ran inside your head.

If he said he wanted you to date Seokmin and it didn't affect him you'll do it, you'll give yourself a chance to love someone else and if he wanted you to stay then you wanted him to accept you in front of everyone.

You were tired of waiting for him, you wanted to enjoy your life without the constant heartbreaks he was throwing towards you.

"He's a good guy like I said, it's your life do whatever you want."

"You...aren't going to stop me? What if I fall in love with him, he's a great guy after all."

"You don't fall in love that easily but like I said it's your life."

You looked at him to find any hidden feelings in his eyes but he refused to have any eye contact with you. He looked at the side, gulping but he didn't meet your eyes.

"You sure about it? I'll accept him if you'll say that it doesn't affect you."

You took few steps closer to him, engulfing him in a hug, it was your first and last time to hold him, you knew it. This time around though, it didn't felt wrong cause you knew it was the last.

You didn't push him when he held you just as much tightly as you did.

"Tell me Wonwoo."

"I want you to be happy y/n, I'm sorry I kept you waiting but you deserve to be happy."

He pull away turning around, stuffing his hands inside his pockets making his way back inside the school.

"As you wish, I hope you realize I'm letting you go."

You looked at his retreating figure, he looked so casual about it, it was almost as if he was testing you, of whether you are strong enough to wait for him when he himself was weak to leave his girlfriend and accept you.

What sort of love he had for you when he couldn't even gather enough courage to make you his.

You decided you would give Seokmin a chance, tomorrow it was valentine's day and a perfect day for people who celebrated love. Maybe this was your chance to be happy and you weren't going to lose it.

"Seokmin, eat this."

You smiled at him as you gave him few cookies from your box to which he smiled opening his mouth motioning you to feed him.

You rolled your eyes before feeding him, your and his friends cooing at how cute couple both of you were. You shook your head when you saw Wonwoo looking in your direction, he maintained an eye contact with you before going out of the cafeteria.

"I forgot something, I'll be back."

You excused yourself from others and made your way out of the cafeteria, you looked here and there until you saw Wonwoo going towards the direction of his class. You followed him.

He stopped when he entered his classroom and sit at the seat which was at the far end.

"Are you serious about him y/n?"

"Yes I am."

"You've got to me kidding me? You don't like doing such lovey dovey things, you don't like chivalry."

"Yeah I don't but it makes him happy."

Wonwoo glared at you before making his way towards you, grabbing your hand and tugging you closer to him.

"Wonwoo what are you doing?"

You kept your hand on his chest to have some distance as you tried to push him off you.

"Everyone thinks you two make a great couple, what's so great about you and him?"

"Why? Are you jealous?"

You successfully pushed him away from you but he held you hand so you won't go far away.

"What if I am?"

You raised your eyebrows at him, never had he ever confessed him being affected by any of your relationships or flings so it was new for you.

"Wow, I didn't know I would have such effect on you."

"Leave him."

"You've got to be kidding me."

How could he have the nerve to tell you to leave him when he was the one who asked you to say yes to him in first place.

"You yourself were the one who said he'll keep me happy and he is doing just that, why are you asking me to leave him? Because you realize that this may be the time you're going to lose me for real?"

"I thought it won't affect me okay?"

"So you're saying you would've let me go if it didn't affect you but now that it does you're not going to leave me and keep using me?"

Your head was paining with all the frustration that was etched inside you, how could he be so selfish? If he wanted you what was so hard about making you his?

The bell of the school rang, indicating that the lunch time was near and you were sure Seokmin and the rest of the students would start piling in and you didn't want to be seen here with Wonwoo alone at least not when Seokmin was aware the you had feeling for Wonwoo before accepting him.

"You love me, I'm not using you, all I ask for you is to wait, why is it so hard for you?"

"For how many more years Wonwoo? I've been waiting for you since the last 3 years and all you did in return was date the new transferred student, did you realize how much you've hurt me these past years? You are all happy and content in your relationship with Yena and still you expect me to wait till you get bored of her for you to finally come back to me? Or you're thinking about fooling around more?"

He just looked at you, speechless since he knew you were right. Was he really keeping you from getting your own happiness because of his own selfish reasons?

"Let me go Wonwoo, I don't want Seokmin to see us together, I don't want him to go through the pain I've went through because of you."

"Y/N, can't you give me a chance? I'll fix everything up."

You removed his hands from his grip, taking few steps back.

"I can't, I've made up my mind."

He scoffed trying his best of hold his emotions, he couldn't be venting out his anger and frustration in front of you, it wouldn't be good. He didn't want to scare you off.

"I asked you to wait till the right time comes."

His tone was almost as if he was begging for you to wait but he also knew it was too late for that.

"I've waited for you enough, I'm sorry I've moved on and you should pay more attention on your relationship too, I've nothing to do with you Woo, I hope you understand."

You walked backwards trying your best to not let your emotions take the best of you.

"The right time never comes."

You turned around walking out of the class just as other students started piling in. Wonwoo looked at your retreating figure till the time he could.

He clenched his fist tight when he saw Seokmin approaching you with a bright smile on his face as he hugged you before biding you goodbye and entering the class.

"I didn't know you were letting me go, I wouldn't have dig my own grave if I knew."

[luntica]

Been stressful here.

Renovating 2 of the three bathrooms, had to have the place tented last week for termites and will be having structural damage checked this weekend.

I have a CPTSD trigger of packing boxes so that was torture.

Mother in law is determined to vote for trump simply because she thinks Biden will turn us into a Chinese controlled country and trump has been making her money on the investments. Since that and the inheritance is all we are living off of.

She doesn't care if other people are hurt, she only cares about her and her kid. And I get that but not the blatant stupidity of everything else.

I finally told my doctor about the fact my dad's family apparently has lynch syndrome and about my joint pains. He said we would start scheduling a colonoscopy next visit, and that usual "your weight could be causing the pain" but said we would do xrays and stuff to make sure it wasn't anything more serious.

Friends of mine have been stuck in an abusive house and I tried to help, but they didn't like how I did it and it stressed them out more.

My partner's best friend has been being neglected by her parents recently, as she is physically disabled and needs assistance. But also bullied online on dating sites.

And we feel stuck and tired. We can't go to her cause her parents would demand rent and jacky (our dog) hasn't been introduced to her animals so we don't know how that'll go.

And this house is starting to become a nightmare. But any suggestions of places to move or buy, even suggesting mother in law to join, is shot down by her cynicism.

But she whines and complains about the drama between her, her boyfriend, and my partners dad.

It's just been a lot. Even without the world chaos.

I got drunk last night just to try and relax and when it felt so relieving had that addictive thought of "I don't want to go back to not feeling like this" which was for sure a hint to stop.

Im just so.... tired. Not just sleep tired.

Im trying to keep up on my GoFundMe "drawing a day till reaching my goal" thing, but I always feel like it's pointless and I'll never reach the goal.

I mean ive tried to get onto disability but corvid makes it near impossible.

My parents insurance won't cover me anymore when December comes around cause I'll be 26.

And I have no real income as an artist, but am to disabled to work.

But havnt gotten any payments government wise, at all. No stimulus check, no unemployment, no disability.

I feel like a leach.

Doesn't help I occasionally hear "back in my day no one would help anyone, you where in your own" stuff from the mother in law, in that tone suggesting I should be kissing her feet for letting me be here.

Sometimes I think about living on the street just to stop being that burden. But I know my partner wouldn't let me.

I think about how 13 year old me knew I would have struggles living as an adult. And I want to keep pushing and proving myself that I can live in this world. But it gets hard sometimes.

[bandomgay]

My brain to yours pt.1 b.u

Tw: blood,gore,self harm,violence,hallucinations,slight mention of an ed

Au: hey babes this is gonna be my 5th time trying to post this and i want death so bad...however if there is any confusing things or typos or things seem to quickly paced im sorry thats just my brain babey! Enjoy...i guess

Word count: 1,894

It all started when he was about 6 years old, he never spoke ever,not that he couldn't he just wouldn't, his parents were worried about his development,however nothing was ‘wrong', he had a quite developed thinking process for a child, but it wasn't a good one for his age nor was it a normal one,no child should be so terrified of talking to people and being thought lesser of as his voice shook violently while trying to say the easiest of sentences.

he understood people to early into his young life ,he got the memo that everything was too stupid and too hard to understand so he gave up . his mother took him back and forth to hospitals and child psychologists ,his mother scared for what was to come of him could this weirdness she didn't even have a name or diagnosis for develop into something more as he grew? She thought, would he be normal? Would he be like the other children who laughed and giggled at the littlest of things? Would he be happy like them? She had decided to push her concerns into the back of head deciding that maybe he was just awkward it's okay to not fit in hes a fucking 6 year old boy maybe it's not that deep.

he was now in the 3rd grade now and teachers became more and more loud and responsive with their problems, he thought maybe whatever bad stuff they had going on at home they just needed to vent threw aggressiveness and shaking hands and restless mornings,but however it was their screams he didn't care for, he looked them in the eye wondering what he had done wrong, however he didn't care enough to continually think about it, but he realized slowly that couldn't feel anything like the red faced teacher did, he’d envy the poor mannered teachers feelings if he could, just how they could get so angry and fed up with kids who were disgusting and vile and how he never felt that…... he never felt anything at all .Now he was in the 5th grade he had to repeat the 4th grade due to staggeringly low grades and his failed attempts at homework he never seemed to have remembered. Things were getting hard to remember, so hard to remember what the teacher had said in the classroom that seemed to fade away after he was picked up by his mom and the sheer silence of the drive home and his mothers sneaking looks into the mirror with furrowed eyebrows at her son who never told her how his day went.

In school it was just so easy just to drift off in the land of dark swirls and dark worlds filled with make believe that he couldn't separate from the real world that never seemed to go away and darkness he felt comfort in his head till he heard nothing but the disgusting laugh of a teacher who had looked as if she wanted to deck him in the face ( he imagined about 3 different scenarios of how that actually could have occured, he held back a giggle and a sly smirk) as she snapped her wrinkled hands in his face “earth to brendon” he heard the aged feminine voice laced with anger repeat twice but he had failed to tune into the first reminder he was too dissociated to notice, he came too but didn't understand her reasonings of not just leaving him alone and let him rot and break free and he soon heard the fits of laughter coming from children he knew he was too weak to stop.

he wanted to do terrible things to everyone in that very room including himself, a dark desire he couldn't contain from his mind but he never followed through with these type of thoughts. he could never seemed control them he thought of them like messages being sent from an unknown source in the back of his head that had an invisible connection to someone he could see but nobody else could he dared himself if he could just pull at the cord in his head he wouldn't have those those thoughts, the figure never showed up in the same form it could be the shadows of dirty rain water coming from outside showing like a projection on the dingy beat up wall rising above him to claim a mental dominance , or the rotten stain of mold on the bathroom floor that now seemed to have a charming glow yet secretive smile or the bag of dirty clothes that sat high up on its rounded edges now smiled at him and watched him threw the night .

now it was the 7th grade and things had went to shit,it was already shit but it had gotten no better, fits of depression had left him wanting to call a hitman on himself and letting himself be cut open so all the organs in his body to be shot out of him or rip his jaw and everything behind it out of his body but he was too fatigued to think about it anymore his brain seemed to have stopped working back in the 6th grade, he could never think clearly a heavy fog on his brain he could never do much for himself he found the most simple of things he couldn't do, he couldn't pay attention, he felt dizzy at random times becoming feverish and not thinking about why because he couldn't think he thought process lessen and lessened with every passing day until all there were was thoughts of gore and death,sadness and the never ending thought of killing anyone or anything that had managed to make him want death even more.

he just continued to fade in and out of reality staring into the wall for to long or unknowingly staring at the couple of people who he thought was calling him pathetic and worthless with the contradictory voice telling him he's so much better than the disgusting people he saw and that they didn't deserve to smile they don't deserve happiness even though they’d never even spoken a word to him, they were never mean to him. he started pinching,stabbing,pulling at his hair,clawing at himself hard trying to see if he could care that he'd just hurt himself he continued to hurt himself hoping somewhere in the back of his mind he start to feel things, to show him he's real everyone sees him, but his inner self knew what he was doing he wasn't just trying to see if he was a real person he was punishing himself because he couldn't do what the rest of the real kids could do he couldnt plop himeself in a hard metal chair and take a test without thinking about what a disgusting person he was, without hearing them say he wasn't shit that his brain is mush that he couldn't understand the easy directions how he could get so angry and mad without hesitation how he could imagine killing his parents im cold blood… he stomped on his own foot,why is he thinking about this why is he thinking about this why, they creeped back up on him showing him images of his brother and sisters dead and gutted his parents choking on blood and vomit pale and dying, he hated himself for thinking these things,but if it was possible for him to be completely honest with himself he didn't care if they had died or not he just didn't have the ability to care.

He couldn't look people in the face without seeing these images of grewling faces pushed together in piles of pink and red flesh crawling into each others organs which looked rotten and distorted, why was he seeing this things these disgusting things these things… he wouldn't admit to himself that everytime he looked in the mirror he tried not to vomit he tried to hard, he bashed in the mirror bloodlying his hand, his hiss echoing in the empty bathroom he couldn't go to the nurse he couldn't look her in the eye and see her like that, besides he was on the first floor and he was too weak to go all the way to the fourth floor he knew he would pass out, he felt something pooling in his stomach it was anxiety he felt the cramping in his stomach and the salivating in his dry mouth, he vomited into the sink, he hasn't eaten anything in about 3 weeks so the pain of dry heaving for almost half in hour into the sink made him dizzy and ultimately pass out. he had now awoken to bright lights that made him nauseous and whimper, he was in the hospital again. he tried so hard not look the nurses and doctors in the eye and seeing horrific images in his mind of them dead, rotten maggot filled and bloody be he regained his ability to see the normally after a while.

“Brendon honey…” his mommy's voice was there “mommy...hi mommy” he said in a broken whisper. She had realized he never calls her mommy unless something's wrong he wasn't aware that he was, he turned to the right finding an iv carefully placed into in scarily pale arm “honey...they found you in the bathroom your hand was cut up...you where passed out what...t?” she silenced herself for a moment seconds later starting up again. “They found you in the bathroom..the mirror was broken and your hand was cut pretty deep and passed out” he mouth trembled a bit, she moved his sweaty bangs out of his forehead, he felt wetness on his skin his own uniform shirt clinging to his skin he was sweating.

He didn't feel real he didn't respond properly to what she had said he only looked away.. And said “dizzy….everything hurts…” he was so surprised he felt something but if feeling was like this he didn't want it. “I d..don't wanna feel like this..can you make it stop mommy please?!” Nani was absolutely terrified she'd never been so scared for her little boy, “its gonna be okay,sweetie...i swear..to god i swear…” in this moment if she was honest she didn't believe there was a god, no god would do this to her son, she turned around after hearing the door and hard footsteps.

“Hello ms. Urie im dr. Yakima, i will be assisting and diagnosing your son” she nodded softly wanting her son to be okay. “Hey son,open your eyes for me,i'm here to help” brendon heard a much more distorted version of what the doctor had said than nani did, but then again he was fading in and out. He handed her pills and said firmly “these are anti-nausea and pain killers i'm gonna give these to him and he will feel much much better i promise..” He was right it with his cocked up eyebrow and charming smile that sparkled with calmness and reassurance that worked its way into nani. the medication  worked but not instantly. “Sit up honey..” She said softly, he followed what she said slowly with a wrecked groan and intense muscle pain however there was no rush.