#(my friend’s mom described them as ‘socially weird’ but either way yeah there were quite a few people who were not friendly)

[fingertipsmp3]

So apparently I’m just like. Really obvious when I like someone

[theveryworstthing]

So over on patreon Trevor asked for my take on the Addams Family and I grew up LOVING the Addams family movies so here we are. Instead of doing a straight up style interpretation, I decided to do a full on design challenge, using the characters as bases to make a black southern gothic Addams au. I actually drew the kids first, using the character bases of Wednesday and Pugsley to create some delightful kiddos I'm calling Sunday and Blanche. I of course then redesigned Gomez and Morticia into Carlisle and Mortesha.

The Addams have a very specific high aristocratic goth aesthetic (they've got a butler and nobody really works among other things) so in this re-imagining I wanted to go with vibes that run a little more middle class/upper middle class.  I thought it would be interesting to think about what would be considered weird and off-putting in an entirely different culture, and how being a big ol' goth is way less controversial than it used to be.

I tried to keep this short (HAHAHAHAHAHA) so I didn't spin off into an essay about villain coded families, black people in the horror genre, and normalcy as it pertains to social survival, but just...bits of that are in these designs and lore. Keep that in mind.

Also I made the kids twins because they've flip flopped in age so much in different media and also twins run in my family (i'm the daughter of one). And let's face it, I'm pulling a lot of their southern gothic traits from living as a southern goth so *shrug*.

10 thousand pounds of lore incoming loooooooooool.

The Parents

From the moment he saw her he knew that there was a 50/50 chance of him either never making it out of that swamp alive or marrying the figure that was creeping out from under the distant willow tree in a black cocktail dress. The third time she found him trussed up in one of her traps, he complimented her rope work and asked if she'd like to go out sometime after his head wound stopped bleeding.

Or while it was still bleeding.

If she was into that.

Some kids and a mysteriously burnt down Piggly Wiggly later, their love is still as strong and inescapable as a bear trap in a sink hole.

Carlisle Guillermo (now Addams through marriage but I wanted to give him two first names for a name since Gomez has two last names) makes a vaguely described living practicing ‘law’ around town. A loophole king, people come to him from miles around with contracts signed in blood, fights over chunks of hair buried in their rivals’ yard, dehydrated primate hands, memories that seemed like dreams until the evidence of their happenings became too real, and other regular Legal Items asking for counsel which he is all too happy to give. For a price. Sometimes that price is a homemade pie and sometimes it’s a million dollars, depends on who you are. Whatever you’re asked to pay it’s worth that price, and if you try to scam him out of work or he just plain doesn’t like you? Well. He knows how to twist a contract better than anything at the crossroads.

And he always gets his due.

He doesn’t just serve the local (living)humans though, there are many things that need proper legal representation in this day and age. You wouldn’t believe how many city councils try to build on sacred burial grounds even after he lets them know that his ghostly clients are totally gonna haunt the FUCK out of the ensuing shitty condos and curse their families for all eternity. At least 50% of his energy goes towards dealing with real estate bullshit.

Carl is an excitable and good natured(?) man who loves his family, cigars, dancing, and his many knife-based hobbies. People find him very charming once they get past the feeling that they’re talking to a sultry gator badly disguising itself as a human. I didn’t put a ton of deep thought into designing him, mostly I wanted to make a middle aged dude who looked like he would have been voted ‘most likely to smooch the literal devil’ in high school. Tbh he probably has, but no demonic ex’s can compare to his lovely wife~

Mortesha Addams(her name was already perfect so I just tweaked it)is a woman of many talents. A self proclaimed homemaker, she prides herself on a greenhouse full of Concerning Foliage, a beautiful wasp apiary, and a coop full of what are probably chickens that she keeps for what are probably eggs. She’s also an avid creator of the outsider art that can be seen around the estate. She has taken on the family business of selling her homemade goods in a little stall by the road just outside the swamp with her mom, and makes pretty good money doing so. A surprising amount of poison gets bought in quaint southern towns.

Speaking of poison, people who come out to the edge of the swamp to buy it are usually carrying a lot of secrets around, and Mortesha knows most of them. It’s not like she pries the truth out of people, it just so happens that many nervous hellos eventually turn into the tragic backstory power hour if she’s alone with a client for long enough. She supposes that’s just how people are. Despite the fact that the Addams are very active in the community (whether the community likes it or not) she especially, as a direct descendant of the first Addams matriarch, is seen as…Well not an outsider because the community feels A Certain Way about outsiders and despite it all the Addams are their people, but maybe something like an exception. They feel like whatever weirdness they’re hiding can’t be weirder than any given Addams, so they get a little loose with their words.

This is amusing to her, since Addams’ don’t naturally keep the kind dramatic secrets that their surface level prim and proper neighbors do. It’s much more fun to openly talk about those things.

Do they have a sadly decrepit yet terrifying grandma up in the attic? Yeah, like three. They got a tv, all the creepy porcelain dolls they could want, and they’re close to family. Where do you keep your gram-grams?

Any bodies buried on the property? Yeah some, but most are thrown to the gators.

Any creeping through the balmy summer night with ill intentions? Yeah dude, everyone loves a nice family stroll.

What about dangerous forbidden love? If an adult Addams isn’t incorporeal then they’re either queer or in a torrid romance with some person/thing mysteriously drawn to that awful swamp. Sometimes both at the same time. Most times actually.

Mortesha would know.

The current head of the Addams family is just as outgoing as her husband but a lot quieter and harder to read. She never really seems to get mad about much and always has a genteel smile for everyone whether they deserve it or not. A seven foot tall human shaped “Oh, bless your heart”. A perfectly composed Lady even when she’s, oh I dunno, burning down a Piggly Wiggly. You know. A regular southern mom. Chat her up at the hair salon for 50% off a jar of wasp honey with your next purchase of a mysterious but foreboding packet of herbs.

Designing her was pretty easy because I just drew a lankier Grace Jones and called it a day. I had some problems with her outfit simply because if we were going HARD southern gothic then she’d probably be wearing a white/cream dress with a fuller skirt but I thought keeping the silhouette and the black was more important. She’s supposed to be an anti southern gothic southern gothic character anyway. A woman who looks like she has a million secrets who is actually the most open person you could meet. For better or worse. The red hair came from a coloring error that I really ended up liking (my mom had red hair her whole childhood that only darkened up in high school so I can buy that an Addams can be naturally fire engine red) and the veil was to get more of that classic Morticia silhouette in there.

The Children

Sunday and Blanche are the twin children of Carlisle and Mortesha Addams. Some say the Addams clan got their cursed homestead when a wealthy local businessman made a deal with the devil and lost, leaving his grand mansion to his least favorite maid and cutting his losses once he realized that the swamp would do everything it could to drag the house into the water and take what was owed with its horrible curse. Others say that the family has just always squatted there and no one really cares because man, fuck that particular swamp. Have you been in there? Absolute horror show.

Anyway.

Blanche is the more outgoing sibling and quite the engineer/mad scientist in the making. He started going grey at 2 weeks old but considering he was also rocking some extra fingers, toes, and a tiny tail (he takes after his dad), his parents just put it on the 'not life threatening' pile and decided not to worry about it. He's the kind of smart that teachers find utterly infuriating, less a dog eagerly learning and obeying commands and more a hyena who keeps teaching itself how to pick locks. He has a few friends in his school's robotics club (which they honestly allowed him to make so the school could contain his... creations) but mostly hangs out with his sister exploring the swamp. They find all sorts of neat things in there! wedding rings, suspiciously lumpy garbage bags, cloaked cultists who can't read private property signs, it's an adventure every day!

Blanche is all about experimentation with his creations, his look, and his tether to this mortal coil. Is lipstick a cool thing to try? Let's find out. Can he get out of a strait jacket fast enough after being pushed into the depths of the swamp by his sister? let's find out. He's not dead yet and confused local doctors can attest to the fact that he's rarely attained more than a bad bruise so he's pretty set on continuing to kiss rattlesnakes on their cute little heads and have his sister practice her knife throwing at him until that fact changes.

Blanche is very much a country goth. Cowboy boots (customized by his mom), knife, and lighter are daily accessories. He likes to wear the crusty swamp jewelry they find (the rust adds a splash of color!) and despite appearances he does try to keep himself neat. He's just got  natural Grunge Colors and a tendency to wear clothes he likes until they fall apart. Pugsley always seemed the most modernly styled to me (which might just be because little boys clothes have been the same for a long time) so I wanted Blanche to be the most purposely fashionable Addams. Everyone else is goth by nature, but he's the only one truly familiar with goth as an alternative fashion.

I got really into designing Blanche because honestly, I find Pugsley to be the most boring member of the family. And he was hard to design! I had to mess with his vibe a lot to get him looking how I wanted. I know he's supposed to evoke an " 'evil' little boy next door who's parents never reign him in", but that's just goth Dennis The Menace.  I's 2020. We can at least go queer goth Calvin.

Sunday was much easier to design. Wednesday was my favorite as a child (of course) and I really wanted to keep the spirit of her look while adding things like billowy sleeves (it gets HOT down here), big poofy twists instead of braids, and a nice tie. She's a professional after all, been running the local pet cemetery since she was 6 and the previous groundskeeper met with an unfortunate accident after telling her that tarantulas don't have souls. Her specialty is creating beautiful naturalistic animal funerals similar to those that Maquenda (https://linktr.ee/artofmaquenda) makes, and she takes pride in creating miniature dioramas of her subjects after each burial which she uses as a kind of 3D catalog for future clients.

She really wants to try out her skills on humans one day. Well. Publicly try out her skills. Lotta random bodies float into the swamp. None of them have turned down her requests for diorama models so far. Most seem downright flattered. Plus, she usually figures out which graveyard/crime scene they floated over from and gets her parents to give them a lift back. She'll even help enact terrifying revenge from beyond the grave on whoever put them there if she's not, y'know, busy.

Besides arts, crafts, and pet based funerary arrangements, Sunday is an avid lover of archery (any ranged weapon really), books where little fantasy adventure animals die dramatic deaths, and history. She is That Kid who eagerly raises her hand when asked who Christopher Columbus was and ends up being sent out of class after 15 minutes for making 'a scene'. Her favorite party trick is just picking an item in the room and talking about how it relates to either some obscure historical figure with a buck wild life or a horrible disaster. At least one charity pancake breakfast ended with children in tears after her vivid description of the Great Molasses Flood of 1919.

Social-wise, while Wednesday is the girl that people ask to smile because they think she'd, "look so pretty", Sunday is rarely asked anything at all. People just kind of assume from her quiet nature (in between horrible history facts) that she's angry all the time and that she hates everyone. This is untrue. She hates some people but she's ambivalent to most everyone else and even downright friendly if you bother to talk to her like a person instead of a terrifying cryptid. Like, she IS a terrifying cryptid but she's also a little girl.  

That’s about it for now. One day I might do the other family members but for now I’m happy with the four I’ve redesigned. Making an au! Lurch in a family that doesn’t do butlers could be interesting. Over on patreon I put forth that he could just be Motesha’s mute little brother (similar bone structure) but Amy Crook had the nice idea of quote: “ a mysterious "cousin" that "helps around the house" whose origins are both long in the past and faintly unsettling. He's good for lifting heavy things, like that tank of propane you're about to throw into the burning Piggly Wiggly... “ which i now consider canon. Who's kid is he? How old is he? Not important. Anyone willing to commit arson with you is family.

Annnnyway.  This challenge was a lot of fun! I love indulging in AU’s.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Animals Do you prefer cats or dogs? I’m a dog person for sure.

If you had to choose, which animal would you like to be reincarnated as? A dog. 

Some say peoples personalities or looks resemble animals. Whats your animal? Probably a sloth, ha. 

Books Which book series was the first you read? As a kid I loved Nancy Drew, The Babysitter’s Club, Sweet Valley High, and Goosebumps.

What was the last book you read? I’m currently reading Autumn’s Game by Mary Stone.

Would you rather write a book or direct a movie? Write a book.

Characters Which TV show/movie/book character do you think you are most like? Hmm. I don’t know.

Which superhero is your favourite and why? Iron Man, Spiderman, Ant-Man, Star Lord, Thor.

What's your favourite fairytale character? Is Alice in Wonderland a fairytale?

Dreams Do you usually remember your dreams? I’ll remember it briefly and then it like vanishes. My dreams are like a Snapchat.

Are most of your dreams good, scary or just plain weird? Just plain weird, man.

What dream that you've had has stuck in your head the most? Describe: The nightmares or the ones that make me wake up crying and shaking don’t like to vanish, unfortunately. Those get saved to the camera roll.

Emotions What emotion do you find yourself trying to hide from others? I’m definitely not as good at hiding my emotions anymore. They took over and control me now.

How emotional/sentimental would you say you are? A lot. I’m so damn moody.

Do your emotions control you or do you control your emotions? Like I said, they definitely control me. 

Fun What do you do for fun? May not be considered fun, but my days are spent checking my social medias, watching YouTube, watching TV, reading, scrolling through Tumblr, doing surveys, spending time with my family, lounging around, and perhaps a little coloring. I like doing those things, though, so it works for me. 

Which is more fun: cycling, watching tv, roller coaster ride or cooking? Uhh, the only thing I like out of those choices is watching TV.

What is the funnest game to play? I love board games.

Geometry Nearest square thing to you? The throw pillows on my bed.

What was the last circular thing you ate? Cookies.

Is there anything triangular in the room you're in right now? I’m sure, but nothing triangular is popping out at me at the moment and I don’t feel like really looking around and thinking about it.

Height Are you taller or shorter than average? I’m 5′4, which is short, but not shorter than average I don’t think.

Is your Mum tall or short? How about your Dad? My mom is about 5′5 and my dad is about 5′9.

Do you wish you were taller or shorter? I wish I was taller.

If... If you became pregnant or your partner did, what would you do? Well, I can’t get pregnant, sooo.

If you lost something your friend lent to you, what would you do? I would feel really bad, first of all. I’d be nervous to tell them, especially if it was something that was special and unique. I’d of course have to tell them, though, and I’d replace it if possible. If it wasn’t replaceable... I don’t know what I would do. All I could do is apologize immensely and somehow try to make it up to them. I’d be super careful if a friend lent me anything, though, regardless of what it was. I also probably would just not borrow something that wasn’t replaceable or expensive to avoid all of that.

If you had to talk about 1 subject for a minute live on TV, which one? Yikes. That minute would feel like forever, I have no idea. Pass.

Jokes Do you normally tell jokes or listen to the jokes? I’m not a joke teller except maybe some cheesy, corny one I might have heard now and then. 

What is your sense of humour like (dry, dark, sarcastic etc)? I laugh at a lot of things. I like puns and clever humour but I also like dumb things and dry things too. I think it's just really easy to make me laugh. <<< Yeah, pretty much.

Kisses Do you put x's in your text messages? No.

When did you last have a kiss? 8 years ago...

Does your grandma give you big sloppy kisses when she sees you? No. She gives me a big hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.

Language How many languages can you say 'hello my name is...' in? Three.

What language do you think sounds the nicest? I think they’re all unique and interesting.

What language do you want to learn more of? I’d love to be fluent in Spanish. I can only speak and understand a little. Brushing up on it by helping my mom do her Duolingo everyday for the past few months has been helpful.

Marriage Do you ever want to get married? No. I truly don’t see that happening for me.

Church or Registery Office? Dream wedding?

Names Your closest friends names? I don’t have any friends.

What names would you ever call your kids? I don’t want to have kids.

What name is the cutest for a little black and white doggie? I’m someone who needs to see and get a vibe from the dog first before naming them. And not just something that has to do with their color. 

Order Are you tidy? I’m not a messy person, like I don’t have clothes or stuff on my floor, I put my dishes in the sink after using them, I throw stuff away when I’m done, etc, but my room has become disorganized and a bit cluttered. I just have too much stuff and not enough space.

Do you colour code things or put them in alphabetical order? No.

Do you have any form of OCD? No. People throw that around loosely.

Promises Do you make promises often? No.

What was the last promise you made? I don’t even remember.

Do you plan to keep that promise?

Quizzes What types of online quizzes/surveys do you like taking? I like surveys with random and interesting questions that allow me to elaborate. And vent and ramble, too. I like ones like this that are divided up into categories. Themed surveys are fun as well.

Have you ever made a quiz? What was it about? No. I made a survey once a longggg time ago.

Have you ever taken an EQ or IQ test? If so, what did you get? I’ve taken IQ tests and got “above average.”

Responsibility Do you class yourself as 'responsible'? Not as much as I should be at 31 years old. :/ These past few years especially I really feel like I haven’t been responsible with a lot of things that I should be. 

What do you think defines a 'responsible' person? Someone dependable, keeps their commitments, and handles their business. They get shit done.

What is it that you are responsible for? Paying my bills, taking care of myself (haven’t been doing very well with that...), my doctor appointments, cleaning up after myself...

Secrets Do you have a lot of secrets? Not really. I’m quite boring.

"A secret isn't a secret if you tell one person." Is this true to you? Uhhh, that does make sense. You think of a secret as something you don’t share with someone else. I guess if it’s something you tell someone or a few select people that you trust that you wouldn’t want getting out to anyone else it could still be a secret, right? Something you don’t want everyone to know. *shrug*

Thought Provoking If you knew you had a high chance of dying, would you kill yourself before disease riddled you unable or hope for the best? Jeez. I don’t want to think about that.

Choose a box: 1 has a large amount of money, the other either a wish or fear of yours come true. Which do you pick? The money is tempting, but I might go with the wish...

An angel comes to you and offers to show you one thing from the future or the past; past or future and what is that thing gonna be? The future terrifies me, I’d be afraid to know a lot of things regarding my future. But I already know my past, so I don’t know what I’d ask them to show me. I don’t knowwww.

Unlucky

Would you say you are more unlucky or lucky? I don’t believe in luck. I would say I have had a lot of bad cards dealt to me and I also am fortunate in other ways. 

A leprechaun pops up and offers to plant some luck on you but it could go either way. Risk it or dismiss it? Dismiss it.

Violence When did you last hit or punch someone? I haven’t hit or punched anyone.

When did you last get hit or punched? Never.

Are you more likely to be verbally aggressive or physically? I’m not an aggressive person.

Warnings Do you listen when someone gives you a warning? I want to say I would likely listen to a warning, but I guess it would depend what it was about.

What warning has someone gave you that you wish you'd have listened to? That I should have taken care of some things sooner and not ignored/put them off for so long.

What warning has someone gave you you are glad you didn't take? I’m blanking right now. XXX

Have you ever had sex? No.

Have you ever accidentally saw someone having sex? No.

YouTube Do you go onto YouTube? I spend a lot of time on YouTube.

What is your favourite video of on YouTube? I don’t have just one favorite, I have a ton. I’m especially into ASMR.

What channels do you go on the most? I’m subscribed to several people---ASMRtists, vloggers, lifestyle videos, Disney related channels, a mukbanger, a drama commentary channel, and a channel that does videos on abandoned places and the rise and fall of former businesses that are no longer around.

Zodiac What's your starsign? Leo.

What are the traits of that sign? Do you have them? Leos are described as being very opposite of me that’s for sure. I don’t believe in that stuff anyway, though.

What zodiac sign do you think you suit the most? I don’t care.

Number 1 Name me 1 person who has changed your life for the better? My mom.

Name me 1 object that's in your kitchen right now? My Keurig.

Name one creature that freaks you out/scares you? ALL bugs.

Number 2 2nd person that you talked to today was... I haven’t talked to anyone yet, it’s 820AM and my mom is asleep and my dad and brother are at work.

What is 2 times your favourite number? 16.

You and two of your friends have got in trouble with the law. Who are the 2 friends you have got in trouble with and what did you do? No friends, sooo.

Number 3 3 words that don't describe you at all: Healthy, ambitious, confident.

Who is 3rd in your contacts list on your phone? I don’t feel like checking.

In 3 more days, what will the date be? It will be January 25, 2021.

[valehirvas]

Hi! I need help understanding what Is gender dysphoria from a transsexual perspective because I'm confuse at my own experiences and the doctors I've seen viewerd dysphoria as only wanting to/believing you are the opposite sex and nothing more

I’m not an expert on this obviously, all I’ve got is just my own experience.

For me, it’s primarily a strong desire and a feeling of “should be” about male sex characteristics. As a child, I would often cry in my bed looking forwards in my life thinking it was already over because I wasn’t a boy, not because being a girl to me was bad in itself - I didn’t view it as limitating or see myself as lesser in any shape or form, I just didn’t feel like my body was as it should have been and the thought of never physically becoming a boy was crushing to me. This came along with various stupid childish misadventures like trying to learn to pee like a boy to feel more comfortable: let’s just say that one ended up in a disaster. I also quite classically tried to explain to my mother how I felt - that I wasn’t like a “girl girl”, I was more a boy girl. Something like that.

I didn’t have social dysphoria at this stage, because I’m very privileged in the sense that my parents and most adults around me allowed me to be exactly who I was, and those who found me disagreeable and too boyish never explicitly made it a gender issue, so I was blissfully unaware of the idea that girls weren’t supposed to act the way I was acting. I was very much a tomboy, but I was never made to feel like this was a bad thing, it was just who I was. I was in a lot of minor trouble often because of how active and curious I was as a kid, but nothing worse than doing what other adventurous kids were getting up to. For example, we liked breaking into the sewer system to chase frogs. Our parents HATED it, for obvious reasons. Things like that. But these were hardly things that only boys got into, and my friend group was rather equally split between the sexes at the time, so yeah, no, my social dysphoria did not exist at this time.

With puberty, things got a lot rougher. It’s tough to tell how much of it was because of dysphoria and how much of it was because of abuse in my life; I was targeted by a school teacher who made my life hell and triggered my depression at the ripe old age of 11, and ever since things were just really difficult for me.

I was still struggling with wanting to be a boy; I only had male role models, only male ideals of what I wanted to grow up to be, in terms of media and idols. I desperately wanted facial hair. Meanwhile, I was being raised by a single mother, and my experience with men was dreadful, and puberty chased off my male friends so I was left living in an all-female bubble, pretty much. I didn’t feel separate from it, but I was certainly different. My friends went down a more traditionally feminine path while I was a clusterfuck of alternative fashion and obscure interests.

My biggest “oh” moment was when I was about 12 years old and for the first time approached my mom to buy my own set of clothes - I’d secretly wanted to dress up as one of the boys for a long time, but this was the first time I really got to try it out. Being a skater was in because this was the early 2000s, so I bought a large t-shirt and a pair of skate shoes, and yes, a skateboard, and when I looked into the mirror like that, I felt like I was in heaven. I felt like things were finally going right and that this was who I wanted to be, that this was who I was supposed to be.

When I was 14, I met my first trans person. I had a terrible crush on him, he was a couple years older than me and identified as an FtM. The year was, what, 2005? I knew instantly that I was the same as him, but it scared me so badly I swore off ever thinking about it again, and that I’d just live as a woman like I was meant to be, because he was extremely suicidal and abused alcohol and drugs, and I didn’t want to die like that. It just seemed like the worst outcome - I knew I was like that, too, but I didn’t want that future. I was afraid if I’d accept how I felt, I’d end up killing myself like he’d tried to do so many times already. So I went DEEP into the closet.

I struggled a lot with relationships, being viewed as a girlfriend and treated as such, like my partners telling me they loved how I looked, touching my body, appreciating it as a female body. I told my first love that I wanted to go by the name of Gabriel, and that I felt like a boy inside, but that was as far as I went. I was 15 at the time. Around the same age I got sent to a group home because the social services were struggling with me (I wasn’t attending school due to my depression and various other mental disorders, and they needed to get me off their books asap). There, I was assigned men’s deodorant because they were out of women’s, and I never went back from there. Little things like that just made me feel so much better in my own skin. Now I at least smelled like a guy. It felt heavenly. In this same place, my supervisor was a nice young woman who borrowed me movies to watch. One of them was Boys Don’t Cry. Let’s just say I was pretty badly traumatized by that, and went ever deeper in the closet, because once more I knew that I was exactly what was portrayed on the screen but the reality of it was... well, I’d either kill myself or be murdered. Nobody wants that. So yeah, there.

Afterwards I went hyperfeminine but also became incredibly toxic because of how bad I felt in my own skin - I was extremely unstable, but at least I was playing my role right, right? I was suppressing how I really felt and trying to force myself into some weird caricature of a woman to spare myself from a painful death.

I used to do a lot of larping as an older teen and a young adult. When I was 18, one of my girlfriend’s characters was transsexual, and I went looking for information about the condition, you know, having the excuse of just “doing research”. That was the turning point. It was so comforting to know that I wasn’t alone, that this was something other people had gone through, too. That I didn’t have to live like this forever.

The things that bothered me most were the fact that I couldn’t grow facial hair, and my chest, which has always been very large. I’ve never had particularly bad dysphoria about the shape and size of my body, and I coped with genital dysphoria by packing, but the fact that I couldn’t grow a beard was the worst thing in the world to me. I went through a year of self-searching and research, during which my girlfriend left me because, duh, she’s a lesbian and I’d just come out as a trans man and it just wasn’t working out anymore, but she stuck by my side to help me become who I wanted to be, and fuck if it wasn’t working. Embracing the way I’d felt and doing the things that helped me feel better - like wearing the kinds of clothes that gave me that sense of comfort and rightness, and binding my chest - helped me to such a big degree that I stopped being completely fucking awful as a person. I stopped flipping out at the smallest of triggers and slamming doors and shouting and being an absolutely unbearable piece of shit, and my ex has repeatedly told me how good it felt seeing me become so much happier before her eyes. I practically changed as a person when I started my transition, first socially and then eventually medically, I became a very calm and difficult to irritate kind of an individual instead of the mess I’d been the years before. And I don’t mean “changed as a person” like I adopted a different personality, just that I stopped being blinded with anger and self-hatred at all hours of the day and lashing out at anyone who dared to love me as I was because I couldn’t.

Starting medical transition scared the shit out of me, because I’ve always been afraid of permanent changes. I nearly ran out of my tattoo appointment last minute because the idea of being marked forever killed me, and I only have one piercing that I can take out without leaving a visible scar for that reason. So obviously, taking that step was horrifying to me, but after doing my time looking into my soul and reflecting on my needs and desires for a year, attending some councelling and in general looking into what I really wanted from my life, I finally entered the diagnostic process, which here took at the time six months at the very least and included a lot of more thorough examinations like a psychological evaluation, chromosomal check and even an IQ test to make sure I was capable of consenting to the treatments.

Testosterone was a gift from gods in how much it eased my dysphoria. I ended up quitting it eventually because of how much it messed with my mental disorders like anxiety, and worsened my psychosis, but in terms of how much more at ease I became with my body, I can’t thank it enough. Seeing my body grow more hair on it, even some of that facial hair I’d always wanted, was blissful. Having my voice drop was comforting and comfortable, and I was excited to practice it and get back my range for singing and speaking, and that whole period of changes was just so good to me. I can’t describe it any other way. My dysphoria’s never come back since I stopped, because the changes that happened were those that I’d so desperately needed the whole time. I never got top surgery because of weight limitations placed on it, and this was an enormous source of pain for me for a long time, but I’ve learned to cope with it now. I’m getting along with my boobs because they’re just a part of my body, that is, unless they start growing cancer which does run in the family, and I’m never not suspicious of them for that reason.

It’s just, it’s hard to describe the story of my dysphoria without telling you all of this. It’s not just one or two things, it’s a history of a lifetime, little things that are good and this grand shadow that follows you around and makes everything more painful and difficult to endure because it’s already weighting you down. The terror of realisations and going back in the closet, but also the unmatched comfort and feeling of finally being how you were meant to be when you see yourself more akin to the picture in your head.

There’s a lot that I’ve left out, and not much of this is probably very helpful, but it is what it is.

[jinkisbelly]

Christmas Break

 I wrote this for a friend on Twitter :3 Can be read on Ao3 and AFF as well

Pairing: Jongyu

Rating: idk pg 13 for cursing.

W/c: 5k or so.

Summary:  Jonghyun finds out Jinki plans to stay in their tiny dorm room for Christmas break and decides he's coming home with him instead.

Warnings: Slight angst in terms of Jinki losing a parent when he’s in the 8th grade, but it’s a happy overall friends to lovers Christmas fic. There might be a part two idk yet.

         The tiny fake tree sat on the top of their miniature fridge, barely a foot and a half tall, plastic ornaments dangling from small branches. The silly thing had been bought by Jonghyun on one late-night run to the convenience store on the corner down the street from the dorm building because ‘Our dorm is sad and small and very sad. We need it.’. Jinki was too enamored with the way the man’s eyes were almost glinting to think to say no. It’s hearing his roommate’s loud gasp that makes Jinki look up from the textbook in his lap, one about human lifespan development.

          He wasn’t sure what he expected to be the cause, but Jonghyun half tumbling from his own bed to scoop the small tree that was lying on its side on the floor was not it. Jonghyun’s bottom lip was jutted out, hair falling into his eyes as he raised his head again. Holding the tree with one hand he fiddled with one of the ornaments with the other, looking up with a sulky voice. “One broke.”

          Jinki blinked rapidly, unsure of how to approach and not understanding why a broken plastic ornament on a five-dollar tree they bought between the energy shots and the packs of gum by the cash register was causing such a negative emotion. “Flip it around. No one will see it.”

          Jonghyun finally looked up from the broken ornament held between two fingers and gives a little smile, but it falls just as quickly when he does as he’s told. Once the tree is back on the fridge he returns to his bed, picking up his own textbook, but his eyes linger on the tree. “But I know it’s there.”

          This is why Jinki is single, he doesn’t understand the mind of the gay man he supposes. It could also be the fact he never goes anywhere but classes, the library, and his dorm. Or the fact he’s been in love with his roommate since the second semester of their freshman year and now, as a junior has yet to let that be known, but those are just coincidences.

----

          His backpack makes a huge thud as it lands by his dresser after he had tossed it. Toeing off his shoes and hanging up his coat on the ajar dresser door, Jinki sighs deeply. His last final was brutal and he was one step away from offering everything he had to never have to do another calculus problem in his life.

          “What are you doing?”

          “Fuck!” Jinki’s eyes snapped over across the room, at Jonghyun kneeling in front of his bed, all lingering feelings of drowsiness gone. “I didn’t see you.”

          “Yeah Yeah, I’m small.” But he was grinning, such a pretty expression if Jinki was honest. Jonghyun’s hair was damp, and he wasn’t sure if it was from a shower or a trip to the gym. Either way, it was rude. “You look like you’ve had your mind fucked up.”

          “Mm, Calc.”

          Jonghyun’s face scrunched as he made a gagging noise. “So glad I don’t have to touch that mess.”

          Flopping back onto his unmade bed, he turned his head to look at Jonghyun. “What are you doing?”

          “Getting ready for Break.” It was then Jinki noticed the open suitcase on the man’s bed, perfectly made as always. “Thought I’d get a headstart on packing so I can focus on my last final on Friday.”

          “It could be that you’re just really excited to see your Mom and Sister, though.” The soft rouge on his cheeks was enough to make Jinki sigh fondly. How dare he be cute like that.

          “Shut up,” Jonghyun grumbled, before tossing the shirt in his hands back into the tote at his feet. “Are you going to start packing?”

          “My Mom won some sort of cruise for the holidays. She’s going with her Sister. I could be alone here without the few hour drive so.” He yawned softly, smacking his mouth after it ended, and gazed at the increasingly concerned expression on Jonghyun’s face. “What?”

          “Your holiday plans are to stay here and be alone?”

          “Don’t make me sound depressing.”

          “You can’t just-” Jonghyun’s phone ringing made him pause, head whipping toward where it was on the small shelf he had by his bed. A bright smile pulled on his lips and Jinki knew it was one of two people. His suspicion was confirmed when Jonghyun happily answered. “Hey, Mom.”

----

          “You aren’t busy right now?”

          “No, just packing,” He cast a soft look at his roommate lying on his bed across from him. “About to scold Jinki about his holiday plans.”

          Jinki glared at him, but with how tired the man looked the intimidation of it fell short. “ Why? What are his plans?”

          “To stay here at the dorm. Apparently, his mom is going on a cruise over the holidays.”

          Even before he can think about asking her if Jinki could come to their house for Christmas, she’s already giving him orders. “ You better bring that boy home with you.”

          “Shouldn’t I ask him if he wants to come?” Jinki’s eyes were narrowed as he turned onto his side and brought his pillow to his chest to hug. Jonghyun flashed an innocent smile before focusing on his mother’s reply.

          “ I suppose.” She scoffed lightly before continuing. “ I was calling to see when to expect you home.”

          “Friday Night. When all depends on Jinki’s answer.”

          “See you BOTH when you arrive. Love you.”

          “Love you too, Mom.” He clicked off the phone with a gentle chuckle.

          Jinki’s bed creaked slightly as he moved further up it to the rest of his pillows, cheek squished against them when Jonghyun looked at him. “I didn’t want to guilt you into inviting me to your family’s Christmas, Jonghyun. I’ll be perfectly alright spending my time here. Maybe even finish that study proposal.”

          “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, but I just want to give you the option to come. I think it’ll be fun.” Jonghyun hopped a little to get onto his bed on the stilts and grinned. “And you could bring all you need for that proposal to work on through all the family traditions.”

          Eyebrows raised, Jinki asked, “Family traditions?”

          “Yeah, like painting this year’s ornament and the snowman making contest. The winner gets this giant cookie Mom makes every year.”

          “Every year you do these?”

          “Yes!” Then he waved his hand slightly as he frowned, “Except that one year we didn’t have any snow so we couldn’t hold the contest. Decorated cookie snowmen instead.”

          Jinki hummed, most of his face covered with his hugging pillow, eyes slightly closed as he allowed himself to be swallowed by the fluff of the pillows under his head. Good gracious that’s cute, hair fluffed up in a little mess and voice grumbly as sleep pulled at him. “Do you promise to not play All I Want for Christmas is You OR Last Christmas on the drive there?”

          “I can make no such promises!”

          With a dramatic sigh, Jinki agreed. “Fine. I’ll come home with you for Christmas.”

          Jonghyun barely was able to stop himself from exclaiming in excitement. Barely.

------

          Jinki leaned his head back against the headrest of the passenger seat, shifting his gaze from the snow-covered fields whipping past them outside the window, to Jonghyun who was driving. For the 5th time that night driving All I want for Christmas is You was blasting through the car speakers, but Jinki couldn’t find a reason to be frustrated with it. Last Christmas had also been in the prepared playlist a few times, but there was something rather adorable watching Jonghyun dance to the music as he sang along. Any song could play if it meant he could hear the man sing along to it. There was a reason Jinki had been to every school choir performance, and it definitely wasn’t for the social aspect.

          Jonghyun’s singing stopped, his question barely heard over the music. “What’s wrong?”

          “Hmm?”

          His gaze was still on the road, but the song was turned down, and every so often he’d flick his eyes over to look at him. “You’re staring. Is my singing that bad?”

          “Your singing is many things, but bad isn’t an adjective I’d use to describe it.” Jinki closed his eyes, feeling the slight jostle of the car as it moved over the road, the rumble of the engine, and the faint sound of the song. “I’m a little tired. You know I daze out sometimes.”

          “If you say so.”

          It wasn’t like he could tell Jonghyun he was staring because of how pretty he was, or how much he loved the way his smile could light up a whole room, or how his voice made his heart do weird flips in his chest. Well, he could, but that would make the next few weeks extremely awkward.

-----

          Jinki could count the number of snow days he had experienced as a child on his hands, and he was sure none of those had amassed to anything close to what was waiting for him as Jonghyun pulled into a long driveway and cut off the engine. The long sleeve shirt and hoodie he was wearing were not going to cut it he knew as soon as Jonghyun opened his door. “Oh fuck that.”

          The man let out a loud bark of a laugh before wiggling from his thick winter coat and tossing it over the middle console of the car. “Wear that Mr. ‘I don’t need a coat’.”

          “Kiss my ass.”

          His voice was muffled by the thick scarf he had wrapped around his face, but Jinki could tell Jonghyun was smiling as he spoke. “Your ass would be really cold if I did that, wouldn’t it?”

          If asked, Jinki was going to blame the red color of his cheeks and ears on the cold bitter wind.

-----

          Jonghyun balanced his backpack on one shoulder and his suitcase gripped in his hand as he fiddled with his keys. “Fair warning, you know how I’m a hugger?”

          A small smile quirked at Jinki’s lips as he recalled the first meeting of his roommate, holding out a hand to immediately get an armful of him. “Quite well.”

          “I get it from my mother, so,” He pushed open the door and grinned over his shoulder, ”Be prepared.”

          “What? Am I going to just be bombarded by an equally tiny woman hugging me?”

          Jonghyun unwound his scarf, hanging it on the hook by the door with a snort. His suitcase was resting against the wall as he held his hand out for his coat Jinki had finally taken off. Suddenly a wide smile spread across his face and before Jinki could think to ask what that was for a small blur was colliding with him. “I’m so glad you could make it, Dear.”

          Sparing a moment to glare at Jonghyun who was doing a horrible job at hiding the fact he was laughing, Jinki wrapped his arms around the woman and quietly spoke, “Thank you for inviting me, Mrs. Kim.”

          She slipped away to hug her son, who was grinning so big Jinki was startled for a moment by how bright it was. “Hey Mom.”

          Feeling like he was intruding, Jinki turned to look around the home without moving from where he was standing. To the right was the living room, the ends of the bright tree seen from what little he could see when he leaned forward. To the left was the dining room, a large table spanning the room’s length. The hall spanned out in front of him, the stairs leading to the second-floor curling at the end of it by the floor to ceiling windows. His gaze fell to his left again when a hand touched his arm. Standing there was Jonghyun, suitcase in his left hand. “Want to see your room?”

          “Oh, uh Sure.”

-----

          “So, this is it!” Jonghyun happily exclaimed as he opened the door for Jinki to walk in. “It’s my older brother’s, but he won’t be here so it’s all yours.”

          “I didn’t know you had an older brother.” Jinki softly comments after tossing his duffle bag onto the bed gently.

          “He’s more of a stepbrother.” Jonghyun leaned against the wall to the right of the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. “He’s from my Father’s previous marriage, but when he up and left my mom when I was seven, he went between here and his mom’s place. They didn’t want to make it worse for him by uprooting him. We had him for Thanksgiving so she gets him for Christmas.”

           Jonghyun’s eyebrows raise as Jinki lifts a photo from the desk along the left wall, but lowers them when the man looks over at him. “You were a cute kid.”

          “I’m cute now, what are you saying ‘as a kid’?”

          “Can’t even take a compliment correctly, damn.” Jonghyun could swear he saw a blush across his cheeks, but Jinki turned back around to put the photo back down before he could take a second look. Interesting.

-----

          A few days later Jonghyun’s older sister Sodam came home. She was sweet and intrigued, asking all sorts of questions as they sat by the fire drinking their choice of beverages. She seemed to like to tease her brother and each kind jest thrown at him made Jinki laugh behind the rim of his whiskey glass. “Jonghyun tells me you’re a biology major. How’d you get paired with a music major?”

          Jonghyun clears his throat, grumbling, “Music therapy, Sodam.”

          “It’s still music!”

          “There were questions on the housing application when we applied for on-campus living. Our answers on interests and how clean we were apparently matched well.” The ice cubes in his glass clinked against the sides as he lowered his hand to rest on his thigh. “Truth be told I stayed for the mini pancakes he always has in the small freezer we have.”

          “Hey!”

          Jinki flashed a bright smile in his direction, and whether it was that or the second beer he was currently holding, Jonghyun’s skin was flushed as he looked away from him.

-----

          Bundled up in one of Jonghyun’s older brother’s coats, a hat pulled on by the man’s mother, and gloves tossed at his face, Jinki was rather warm considering he was stepping through a foot of snow to make a snowman. The boots on his feet were a bit big, but it was that or the sneakers he brought with him. Heaving the second mound of snow onto the stack, he was smoothing out the seam between the two when Jonghyun huffed out his name to the right of him. “Jinki.”

          Leaning a little to look past his snowman, he could see Jonghyun trying to lift the giant ball for his second tier. “Yes?”

          “Help me.”

          “I’m competing against you. Why should I help you?”

          “Because you like being useful and you’re my friend.” Jonghyun smiled as Jinki approached. “Pretty please?”

          With a dramatic huff, Jinki leaned down to lift up and carefully placed the giant ball of snow on top of the other. “If you win I get half of that cookie.”

          “You already were.”

-----

          The plate the last bits of the giant cookie was on was to the left of them as they sprawled out on the carpet by the fire. Jonghyun was laying on his back, eyes closed and hands on his tummy as he groaned. “I never should have eaten all of that.”

          “I’ve seen you eat three bowls of ramen in under ten minutes.” Jinki glanced over at him as he rested his head on his crossed arms. “That last pieces of cookie aren’t going to kill you.”

          Another pitiful groan. “I’m in pain.”

          “I was there through the alcohol apocalypse of sophomore year,” Jinki grinned as Jonghyun glared at him, laughing quietly when the man smacked his back softly. “You’re just being a big baby.”

          “You’re so mean!” Jinki smacked him upside the head with one of the pillows they had pulled from the couch. Laughter loud and full as Jonghyun sputtered in response. “How Rude!”

-----

          Jinki held his coffee cup between both of his hands, leaning back against the window as he gazed out from his spot in the window seat in the kitchen. No one else seemed to be up yet and he was rather enjoying the quiet serenity of it all. The snow was still falling outside the window, disappearing in the snow on the deck and trees. He lowered the cup from his lips when he heard the stairs softly creaking, and a moment later Jonghyun was shuffling into the room. His light-colored hair was fluffed up all over his head, eyes barely open, and shirt large enough his hands were hidden when his arms were down. He squinted when he noticed he wasn’t alone. Grumbling as he grabbed the pot of coffee and a mug from the counter. “Don’t say it.”

          “Good morning.” He held the man’s cup when it was handed to him as Jonghyun climbed opposite him on the cushion. His fluffy sock covered feet laying on Jinki’s as he got comfy and took his coffee back.

          “Why are you up so early?”

          “It’s not that early.”

          “We’re on a break! It’s sleep till noon.”

          Jinki laughed quietly into his mug as he lifted it for a drink. “You’re up before then.”

          “Bite me Mr. Happy in the Morning.”

          Feeling content and a little hungover from the night before, Jinki winked. He felt too good to regret doing it.

----

          “Jinki!” Jonghyun frowned when said man didn’t respond or show up at the top of the stairs. “Jinki are you coming?”

          “Huh?” A moment later Jinki’s head popped up over the railing at the top of the steps, pajamas on his frame and hair a complete mess. “Coming for what?”

          “I told you it was ornament painting time.”

          “Oh,” He had his bottom lip pulled through his teeth, which Jonghyun was choosing to ignore, before he sighed, “It’s your thing with your family. I’m alright.”

          “But you have to!”

          “There are very few things I have to do in life, Jonghyun.” Jinki’s lips quirked up in a little smirk. Jonghyun stomped his foot and crossed his arms across his chest, glaring up at Jinki with everything he had. “Are you having a temper tantrum?”

          “Come on!” He softly whined. A little degrading, maybe, but it made Jinki sigh and finally head down the stairs. He counted it as a win. He hooked his arm with Jinki’s and led him back into the dining room. “You’re here so you’re getting the full experience buddy.”

-----

          Christmas dinner had been really delicious. Jinki had helped as much as he could, which Jonghyun scuffed and told him he was being a kiss ass. He washed the dishes while Jonghyun dried them and put them up, bumping shoulders every so often and talking quietly to themselves over the sound of the running faucet. Once the sink was clear they dried off their hands and headed into the living room where Jonghyun’s Mom and Sister were already waiting for them to do gifts.

          There weren’t many under the tree, but enough that they covered the front half of the tree skirt. The ornaments they painted a few days before were hung up on the tree, glinting slightly in the surrounding lights. Bringing his legs up onto the cushion, Jinki hugged his legs and watched the small closely knit family begin exchanging gifts. Their mother was first, a small pile of four wrapped presents set before her on the table. Jinki knew what at least one was for he was with Jonghyun when he had bought it for her. The first was a pair of fuzzy slippers and a matching robe from Sodam. The second, a pair of earrings. The last two were from Jonghyun. The first of them was the one Jinki knew, a gift certificate to a spa in the nearby town. The last was a necklace that Jinki realized was a match to the earrings Sodam had got her.

          A little sleepy, Jinki let his attention shift to the way the fire was flickering and the wood crackling softly. He breathed in deeply, flexing his fingers on his legs, content and warm. He didn’t notice when the gifts were finished until Jonghyun was standing between him and the fireplace, a smile on his pretty face. “It’s your turn.”

          “What?”

          The smile grew as Jonghyun held out a small wrapped box. “You didn’t think I’d let you not have something to open on Christmas, did you?”

          Jinki let his legs fall from the cushion as he carefully took the gift from him, resting it on his thighs. The box was blue with a big silver bow on the top. He skimmed his fingers over the smooth top before gazing up at Jonghyun. “You didn’t have to get me anything, Jonghyun.”

          “I hope you like it.”

          Wiggling off the top he gently laid it on the arm of the chair before removing the thin layer of tissue paper. On the bottom of the box was a watch he knew very well, but it was cleaner and as he lifted it up the little hands were moving, the glass surface of the face clear and uncracked. “What- how did you?”

          The last thing Jinki knew was that the watch was still sitting in its velvet box in his dresser at the dorm. For a few years, since his father died during his 8th-grade year, he had been trying to get that watch fixed. Looking down at it, the way it was gentling ticking the way he always remembered it sounding when his father wore it every day until the accident. “I know how much your Father’s watch means to you. I had it fixed.”

          “But they said they could find the parts to.”

          His thumb passed over the gold of the wrist links, bottom lip sucked through his teeth as he tried not to cry. He glanced up when Jonghyun’s hand fell on his knee, finding the man kneeling by the chair. “My dad had a similar enough model that he left here. I had my mom sent it to me. They used it to fix it.”

          “Jonghyun I.. thank you. I don’t know what to say.”

          “Merry Christmas Jinki.”

          He doesn’t remember slipping onto the floor, but soon Jonghyun is tight against him, arms wrapped around the man’s tiny waist. Jinki has his nose pressed into his neck, hugging him deeply. “Thank you. This means the world to me.”

          Neither man noticed the two women leaving the room or the look the two shared as they got up from their seats. Maybe the hug lasted longer than it should have, but Jinki didn’t want to let go yet. He didn’t want to feel alone.

------

          After pulling themselves from the ground with soft, almost embarrassed laughter, Jonghyun walked to the piano along the back wall. Uncovering the keys, he wiggled his fingers before grinning. “Will you sing with me?”

          Jinki shook his head as he climbed onto the couch, arms resting on the back of it as he gazed over. “I think I’ll just listen.”

          “Suit yourself.”

          In the end, it was Jonghyun and his little family singing together. His mom sitting on the bench beside him, his sister to his left just behind him. Their voices mingled together as if they had done this so many times before, and Jinki figured like with everything else he had experience in this home this must be a tradition. He caught Jonghyun’s gaze halfway through the third song, and he smiled warmly in return.

          His heart felt heavy, the weight of missing his Dad pulling at him as the watch around his wrist was cool to the couch against his skin, but looking at Jonghyun singing with such a pretty smile on his face, it made it easier to forget. Forget that the last time he had a real Christmas Dinner was in the 8th grade, or that he hadn’t felt at home since he left it to go to the hospital with his mom that Christmas night. Being here with Jonghyun’s family made him feel like Christmas could be happy again.

-----

          He had just turned off the lights and rolled over for bed when he heard a soft knock against the closed bedroom door. He squinted as the door slowly began to open and softened a little when he saw Jinki. “Are you awake?”

          “For the moment. What’s up?”

          Very few times in their time being roommates could Jonghyun recall seeing Jinki so timid, looking small and almost afraid. He only had pajama pants on, the light coming from behind him showing that much. His lip was pulled through his teeth before he shook his head. “I’m sorry, I never should have- go back to sleep.”

          “Jinki! Wait.” Jonghyun quickly sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes as he called his name. He yawned but quickly focused back on the man frozen in the open doorway. “What’s wrong?”

          Looking over his shoulder, Jinki softly replied. “It’s the anniversary of the accident. I don’t want to be alone.”

          Jonghyun felt his heart break a little. Jinki almost never talked about his Dad, in some ways less than he did with his own. He lifted the blanket and scooted to one side. “C’mere Jinki.”

          Seeing what he meant, Jinki shook his head. “I can just sleep on the floor and-”

          “Get in the bed Jinki.” Pressing his lips together, Jinki closed the door behind him. The only light in the room was from the window and Jinki’s phone as he used it to navigate the room. Jonghyun smiled softly when the man stood by the bed for longer than he needed to. “You’re letting all my warmth leave. Come on.”

          The phone clicked off and after the most dramatic sigh Jonghyun had ever heard, he felt the bed dip and Jinki settle alongside him. In the darkness, Jinki’s voice was deep and soft, warm comfort in the chill of the room. “Thank you.”

          Somehow, Jonghyun managed to find his hand and gave his fingers a soft squeeze. “Goodnight Jinki.”

-----

          Jinki woke up to extra warmth at his back and weight against his side. It took him a lot longer than it should have to remember coming into Jonghyun’s room the night before and piece together that the warmth against him was the other man. He knew he should move, wiggle out from under the arm and pretend like it never happened, but he didn’t know if he’d ever get the chance to feel the comfort of Jonghyun’s embrace again. So, he was selfish, closing his eyes and leaning into the warmth. He was allowed one small luxury. He found falling asleep again was a lot easier.

-----

          “JINKI!” Jonghyun was fuming, standing in the middle of the backyard with quickly melting snow dripping down his face and making the top of his scarf wrapped around his mouth wet.

          Jinki giggled, hiding behind the thick tree by the bare garden next to the deck. “You’re it.”

          “Oh, you’re so dead. COME HERE, you ass.”

          They both knew Jinki was faster than him, but this was the backward he grew up in and he knew the layout better than anyone. As Jinki rounded the Gazebo Jonghyun lunged at him, tackling him into the pile of snow thrown from the path that morning. Jinki groaned as they landed, but his hands moved up to steady Jonghyun. The snow was falling around them, on their hair and eyelashes, on the red of their cheeks. Laying along him Jonghyun forgot why he was angry or why he had tackled him in the first place. All he could make himself do is gaze into Jinki’s eyes.

          Jinki was laughing, eyes in pretty little crescents. His hat had fallen from his head, hair spread out in the snow. The scarf around his mouth had slipped further down, revealing his lips. Like a magnet, Jonghyun’s gaze fell on them. Pink and plump, ready to have teeth sunk into them and tugged. He barely registered that them moving meant Jinki was speaking. “Are you alright, Jonghyun?”

          “Forgive me.” He whispered before surging down, eyes squeezed shut as he pressed their lips together. It was more teeth than anything in his rush of excitement, but when he pulled back abruptly and Jinki returned the kiss, it improved. Jonghyun pushed his fingers into Jinki’s damp hair, groaning softly as the kisses deepened and he felt the man’s arms wrapped tightly around him.

          They pulled away just barely, breathes swirling between them as they searched each other’s gazes. “What is there to forgive you for? I’ve wanted to do that for over a year.”

          “What?”

          “You really never noticed how I look at you?”

          Jonghyun blinked, brows furrowing slowly. “What?”

          “Oh, you beautiful, daft man.” With quiet laughter, Jinki cupped his cheek with a gloved hand. “I love you, Jonghyun. I have since Freshman year.”

          “Again… What?”

          Jinki responded with a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. “How about we go inside and get warm, and we’ll talk, alright?”

          “Yeah.. yeah that sounds good.”

          A moment passed, then another before Jinki was smiling, “You have to get off of me for us to do that.”

          “OH right yes.”

-----

          Both of their cups of hot chocolate, now more lukewarm than anything, were sitting on the coffee table in front of them. They had changed from their wet clothes, hung their coats up on the hook, and put their boots by the back door. A blanket was thrown over each of their shoulders. The only sounds in the room were the fire crackling and the Christmas music playing from one of the upstairs bedrooms. Jinki had his head pressed into the back of the couch, arms tight around him to keep himself warm as he gazed over at Jonghyun who had yet to say anything since they had climbed onto the couch. “You look like you have a lot of questions.”

          “Hmm? Oh, not really. Just a few.” Jonghyun gave a little smile before continuing. “Like, were you ever going to tell me how you felt?”

          “I thought about it, but I like having you as a roommate and as my friend and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by laying my affections for you at your feet.”

          “And.. you’ve felt how you do since freshman year?”

          “Around Spring break or so, when you broke up with your high school girlfriend.”

          “Oh.”

          Jinki swallowed thickly before reaching over to squeeze Jonghyun’s hand. “As much as I care for you and want to explore what dating you would be like, having you in my life as my friend is more important than how I feel romantically for you. If you don’t feel the same way or want to explore that with me, I understand. I don’t want to pressure you into thinking you have to want to kiss me again.”

          He hummed, his gaze falling slowly. Jinki prepared himself for the final blow he expected to happen, but it never came. Instead, Jonghyun returned the pressure on his hand and smiled up at him. “And if I said I wanted to explore dating you?”

          “You would?”

          Jonghyun snorted. “Don’t sound so surprised. You aren’t the only one that’s been hiding feelings.”

          It was Jinki’s turn to stare with his mouth half-open, blinking like he couldn’t process what was being said to him. “Pardon me?”

          With a little shifting, Jonghyun was up onto his knees, crossing the small distance between them to cup Jinki’s cheek with a smile. Just before he kissed him, he whispered. “I love you too, you doof.”

----

[purplesurveys]

740

‘Does your best friend bother you more than anyone else? This is so weird. Someone wouldn’t be my best friend if all they did was annoy me. If one of my best friends did start to bother me with anything they’re doing, we’re close enough for me to comfortably call them out on it. Who is your best friend? Angela and Gab. Do you like someone right now? A lot more than that at this point. Do you even think you stand a chance with this person? I’ve been with them a handful of years now, so yes. Do you consider yourself truly happy? Not truly. I can generally keep myself happy but I’ll sometimes have days where I’m anxious, angry, hurt, confused, lost, or all of the above. It’s a work in progress.

How often do you cry? I want to say at least once a week; that's pretty accurate. Are you emotional? Yes. What is the worst thing you would do for 10 million dollars? I find these questions so stressful to think about lol. Just give me scenarios to do for $10 million and I’ll tell you if I’m willing to do it. Have you ever had/do you have an eating disorder? [trigger warning] No. But when my depression was at its roughest a part of me wanted to try adding self-starvation to the other methods I was already using to harm myself at the time. Didn’t really work out. Have you ever cut/burned yourself intentionally? Cut, yes. Burned, technically yes, but I didn’t know it would hurt me. When I was 7 I thought I had some sort of invincibility so I placed a finger on a clothes iron that was plugged in at the time. So I kinda did it on purpose, but not because I wanted to burn myself lol? If that makes sense? What do you think of people that do? Hope that they have people around them who care for them and can help them pull themselves out of that hole. What's your opinion on drugs? Have you ever done any? Scary, especially the hard drugs. I’ve seen Breaking Bad, Trainspotting, and Requiem for a Dream to know not to try them lol. I’ve only had milder ones like caffeine, nicotine, and painkillers. Have you ever noticed the hidden adut jokes inside of kid shows/movies? When I encounter the episodes these days, yeah I would notice them. When I was a kid they used to be just sentences that didn’t make sense to me. Do you want to be famous? Why? I’m not opposed to it. I wanna be able to travel places, get freebies, and afford a lot of nice clothes, but I’m also not willing to do absolutely anything or lose who I am just to get famous.

Do you sin often? I don’t really think of that anymore. What are your views on God? Nope. What do you think happens after you die? I go to sleep permanently, which for me is the most peaceful way to think of death. Sometimes if I’m feeling a little alone or helpless, it’s just as comforting to also think of the possibility of reuniting with my lost loved ones when I die, like my lolo or the great-grandparents I never met. Are you afraid to die? I’m afraid of dying painfully, if anything. Like I don’t want to be stuck in a burning room or have a ceiling collapse on me, you know? If you had the chance, would you want to know the date of your death? Yes. Have you ever felt that you weren't good enough? Of course. Do you have any siblings? If so, are you jealous of them? Yes. I’m not jealous/envious of Nina, but I do sometimes wish I had a talent that was as tangible and recognizable as hers – she’s an artist and an editor, and very good ones. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Why or why not? I mean we don’t hate each other, but I wouldn’t go running to their arms if I had a problem. We have a more buddy-type relationship.

Are you always wanting more? Yep, I’m quite materialistic. Do you make good first impressions? You’d have to ask the people I’ve ever met. I hope I do, though. Do you feel bad for obese people, or do you just laugh? I am so unimpressed with this question.  What would you do if you were obese? Idk, it would depend on the mindset I have once I’m at that point. Are you ashamed of your past? Not ashamed. I just wish it had a lot more happier days. Do you miss your past? No. Do you have a song lyric that describes where you are in life right now? Ain’t it fuuuuun living in the real wooooorld ain’t it goooood being all alooooone Who are you closest to in your family? In my immediate family, it’s probably my sister. But generally speaking, it’s my eldest first cousin on my mom’s side. Do you ever open up to people? Yes, but I’m also private. Like I wouldn’t just share my life story with anyone - you have to ask about it and know which questions to ask. Do you consider yourself guarded? Why or why not? Sure. I’ve had shitty people come in and go out of my life throughout the years. Are you an honest person? I guess. Do you like animals? Love them, except cockroaches and flying cockroaches.

Do you think doctors prescribe medicine too often? I...don’t really have an opinion lol and I don’t know if I should. I don’t know the first thing about medical ethics. Are you a control freak? In a group setting, mostly yep. Do you enjoy getting drunk, or do you feel like you're losing all control? I like getting drunk but only until a certain point, i.e. when I feel giddy enough to socialize with strangers or start dancing. I’ve had a couple of bad experiences from drinking too much and it’s always so embarrassing the day after. What do you think happens when you go into a coma? I’ve read accounts on Reddit from people who used to be in one and the stories vary. Some stayed passed out through the whole thing, others dreamt in a lot of vibrant colors, others had dreams that they considered metaphors for dying, others were a little aware of what was happening or being said around them. Do you think the internet is dangerous? I know it is, lmao.

Name all the social networking sites you use: Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube, Linkedin. I re-installed Snapchat recently but I don’t use it for social media. Do you think anyone truly knows who you really are? My best friends do, in different ways. Have you ever given anyone the chance to really get to know you? Yes. Do you block people out of your life when they start to get too close? No. It’s very rare that that gets to happen so when it does, I keep them around. Who do you think has the most pressure to be good-looking; guys or girls? I think both experience a lot of pressure in very different ways. It’s not a contest. Do you care what impression you make on people? Kinda, especially if they make the wrong one lmao. Do you think TV is too much of an influence on today’s youth? If anything today’s TV has a lot of responsible representation from sexual consent and coming out and mental health to POCs, which gives off a suuuuper positive influence to kids and young teens these days who now feel like they can see themselves in the characters they meet and scenarios they see. Racism, sexism, homophobia, and all the other -isms and -phobias never get to fly by in this age anymore and that’s a great thing too. Just look at Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Sex Education, Itaewon Class, and I wanna say The Good Place? but I’ve never seen it. What do you think people would do if all the computers crashed? I honestly think that would be the last straw that would break the camel’s back for people to start chaotically freaking out lol. There’s too much happening as it is. Honestly, do you say racist things? Filipinos in general are resentful towards mainland Chinese but that’s because they have bullied us for so long, they’ve literally shit on our historical parks, they keep buying our lands, they claim our seas, and they belittle and mistreat Filipinos, especially the ones who work as OFWs in China. We wouldn’t be as racist if most of them didn’t act like such assholes to begin with. Personally, I don’t verbally say racist stuff but I will judge mainland Chinese in my head if I come across them or hear another incident of them misbehaving. Do your parents put way too much pressure on you? No, which I’m quite grateful for. They just let me do my thing, they ask me what jobs I want without hinting what they want for me, they let me fantasize about my dream purchases once I have a salary without guilt-tripping me over letting them have a share of my money, that kind of stuff. Has anyone you loved ever died? Two big people in my life. Do you think people overreact when their pets die? Not at all. Pets are family, and everyone’s reactions are valid. I remember when Lorde’s dog died and people were either 1) making fun of her and called her overreacting when she said she was gonna be unable to release new music for the meantime, or 2) stoked that her new music is probably gonna be sad and emotional because of her dog’s death, and I thought both were terrible. Do you know who you are, or what you want to become? I’m getting there, don’t pressure me lmfao. Do you have your future mapped out? Or are you just taking it day by day? Day by day. I have a good big picture planned out, but I also like living in the now. What are you going to do now? I dunno if I want to take another survey or watch YouTube videos now. But directly after hitting post on this I’ll definitely take another sip of my coffee and give my dog cuddles for a few minutes since he just woke up from his nap.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #250

"you’re so pretty, dripping sin.”

Do you plan on having children in the future? No. How big is your house? It's very small. Two bedroom, one bathroom. Do you believe that the world will actually end? Humanity, yes. The planet being inhabitable, probably at some point. The universe itself, life itself, won't, though. Describe your handwriting: Very fancy/fluid, a weird mix of cursive and print. Can you speak any other languages than your first language? Some German, but not a lot by now. I've lost a lot of memory of it. If you could speak another, which would it be? I wanna be fluent in German, but it's not something I pursue 'cuz I guess like... why. I don't think I'll ever really apply it to my life, nor is it something I'm DYING to do, so paying for classes just seems. Idk. What is one trend you think is stupid? I don't care. Let people enjoy things. Do you ever watch any soap operas? No. Do you ever get goodnight or good morning texts from people? Not usually. If I do, it's only ever Sara. When did you last go to the doctor and what for? I'm assuming you mean a general doctor, in which case, I think it was just a regular check-up a month or so back. Are you socially awkward? To a painful degree that I'm incredibly sick of. Can't be in a social situation and not feel uncomfortable even if it saved my ass. Would you rather watch a comedy movie or horror movie? It would depend on my mood, but horror would usually win. Do you know where your family came from? Europe. If you could choose to be any mythical character, which would you choose? Realistically, probably like, an elf or something 'cuz they're pretty unlike me so it'd be a nice change. :^) Where are both of your parents right at this moment? Mom's at church, and Dad is probably at home 'cuz it's Sunday. Have you ever seen a movie so ridiculous you couldn’t watch the rest? Yep. Does it make you angry when people text short messages back? If I'm seriously trying to have a conversation, it doesn't make me *angry*, just aggravated. What is your favorite animal and why? Meerkats. I could write a damn essay on why, but I'm not up for it, so basically, they are just extremely interesting animals with serious fire in a foot-tall body. Are you satisfied with your gender? Yeah. Have you ever kept a successful diary before? Not really. Well, I guess for short periods of time. I'd call them just "journals," though. It was something to do every time I stayed in the hospital, a good, insightful thing even, and just really at my lowest times, it helped me, but I never stuck to it. Are you good at admitting your problems? I think I'm very honest about them, really. Have you ever had a hangover? No. What is something you’re looking for in the next three months? I don't know. What’s something you normally cannot spell on your own? I have trouble with certain words where "e" or "a" could both easily be used (ex., "independEnce"), so I rely on spellcheck with words like those a lot. Looks or personality? Which is more important to you? Personality. Do you know any strippers? I don’t think so. How many times have you dyed your hair? Holy fuck idk. What is something that reminds you of your childhood? Cranium games. Do you think you eat healthy? I think I eat decently. Since I started paying attention to calories, I improved a lot. How would you describe your style of speech? Are you a fast/slow speaker? Do you stutter often? Generally, I think I speak quietly (but sometimes actually too loud, according to Mom) at a pretty normal pace, sometimes kinda fast, but I stutter a lot. When was the last time you’ve visited a family member’s house? What was the occasion? I haven't been to anyone's in a while... I think the last time was when I went to Ashley's to babysit my nephew a few months ago. Have you ever tried to construct a language? How do you feel about fictional languages (such as Dothraki and Klingon)? Not really. One of my old RP friends and I kinda-sorta had this "ancient meerkat language," but it was faaaar from developed. I don't feel any particular way about fake languages. Were you born and raised into a certain religion? What was it and have you changed your religion? Yes, Roman Catholicism. I've changed my religion quite a few times... Well, I don't like "changed." It just developed away from what was instilled in my head as a little kid. How do you usually feel when one of your favorite television or book series end? This doesn't apply to me really, because I haven't been involved in those things for a long time. The only one that I really cared about/was watching when it was current content was Meerkat Manor. I was sooooo so bummed out. That show had such, such, SUCH a colossal impact on my life. What do you like most about your town or neighborhood? Nothing. Well, it's small. Are you looking forward to any upcoming events? I'm obviously anticipating Mom starting chemo this week, but also very nervous. I don't want to see the physical toll it takes on her. What were your first impressions on your current best or closest friend? Lmao it's still funny to this day to me, our start... I just didn't like her. I thought she was over-dramatic and attention-crazed. What would you do if you knew a person that you were not fond of or even disliked, but they considered you as a friend? Would you confront them, avoid them, etc.? "I wouldn’t confront them unless something happened that made it come to a head. I’d try to be civil yet non-committal. It would also depend how I knew them and how much I had to interact with them." <<<< This. It doesn't seem necessary to just randomly walk up to this person and be like "hey you know you're not my friend, right?" Just leave it be unless something occurs where it seems more relevant. What are some things that you do to make you feel relaxed? Listen to music, nap... How often to do go to concerts? What was your favorite experience so far? Not even nearly enough because 1.) I'm not in a position where I can afford tickets and 2.) NO good bands like, ever come here. We only ever have country bands. The only concert I've been to was Alice Cooper, which was great. What is your newest and/or current passion? Newest, uhhhh. Idk man. I have a lot of current passions, but none surpass the Blazing Inferno of Love in my heart for Mark Edward Fischbach. Do you still have a fear that you had held since childhood? If not, how did you overcome one or more of your childhood fears? Yes, dolls. It's really mild now, but still, I really don't like porcelain dolls. What is your favorite type of weather? In general, a moderate snow. To actually be in, ohhhh man, gimme that cool, crisp fall air with a partly cloudy sky, very little to no breeze, depending on how cool it is. Do you watch documentaries? If so, do you have a particular favorite? I love animals docs. Meerkat Manor is of course my favorite. Is there a particular sentence or line from a book that carries a deep meaning to you? What is that sentence/line and why does it speak to you? I'm sure there is, but none immediately come to mind. When's the last time you ate bread? A couple days back for a sandwich. What's the last movie you watched on your own? UHHHHHHHH I think it was The Shining. Great movie, so glad I finally watched it. What about the last movie you watched with another person? Now this I'm unsure about, but I want to say The Lion King (live action) with Dad. What about the last movie you saw at the cinema? Was it good? ^ It was fucking great. I mean maybe I'm biased because it's my favorite movie, but either way, the hate it got shocked me. I know people were upset about like "oh they looked so emotionless" but like... they're animals made in the most realistic portrayal possible. I thought that was very cool. Do you attend school, college, or uni? I'm a college student. What do you study, wherever you study? Photography. What industry do you want to be a part of when you’re older? At least SOMETHING with art, or even animal rescue and conservation. How many girls can you trust? Like, two. What about guys? Also probably two, maybe three. How do you earn your keep? I don't. I don't/can't work (at least right now) and my disability case was just denied for the second time, so, y'know, I'm basically a leech. If you could speak three different languages fluently, what would they be? Not including English? German, Japanese, and Spanish, for convenience's sake. Who do you usually text the most? My mom or Sara. Baths or showers? Showers; baths gross me out. Cheese or tomato? Noooot a tomato fan, so. At least I like some cheese. Shaved legs or shaved arms? ??? I mean I think shaving your legs is more noticeable, but I don't care. I'd only ever shave my legs (I mean unless I had a good reason to shave my arms?), but shave whatever you want, dude. How many coats do you own? One winter coat. What about shoes? A handful, though I only ever wear my sneakers or flip-flops, lol. One word to describe your most recent ex? A soldier. Fried, poached, boiled or scrambled eggs? I will only ever fully eat scrambled eggs. Boiled, I'll only eat the whites. Fuck yolk, shit's gross. Have you ever been surprised with breakfast in bed? No. Where, in your current cournty, would you like to live, other than where you do now? Western NC, in the mountains. It's beautiful. Where wouldn’t you want to live? Several places, like North Korea. Do you like snow? I'm a kid when it comes to snow, I love it. Have you always got good grades? Up until college, I did... Do you like sheer clothing? With something under it, yes. List four things about your facial appearance: 1.) It's this really weird mix of dry as hell and oily; 2.) I have blue/gray eyes; 3.) I wear large, black-rimmed glasses; and 4.) I have a vertical labret in my bottom lip. List four things about your general appearance: 1.) I'm fat even though I've worked my fucking ass off to keep losing weight for two years now :^); 2.) I have some but certainly not enough tattoos and piercings; 3.) I'm very pale; and 4.) I have very short, brown hair that needs to be dyed immediately. List four things you like about yourself: 1.) I'm extremely empathetic; 2.) I care a fucking LOT about the people I love; 3.) I'd say I let myself fall kinda easily, yet I'm resilient as shit and will always get back up; and 4.) I'm extremely open-minded and capable of considering a whole lot. List four things you dislike about yourself: 1.) MY GOTDAMN WEIGHT; 2.) my teeth are too yellow for my liking (I've been exceptionally self-conscious of that lately as I've used whitening strips); 3.) I'm extremely impulsive with what I say and do when I'm seriously upset; and 4.) I will, without fail, jump to the worst possible conclusion in any and all situations. List four of your favorite TV programs: 1.) Meerkat Manor; 2.) That '70s Show; 3.) Fullmetal Alchemist (+Brotherhood); and 4.) Deadman Wonderland. List four of your favorite foods/drinks: 1.) Mountain Dew Voltage is my absolute worst enemy; 2.) I will ANNIHILATE the spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden; 3.) the shrimp & cheese quesadillas from Mexican restaurants are not safe either; and 4.) pizza is, of course, rather gucci. Cats or dogs? Idk, I really like both. Have you ever seen anyone famous in the street? Hunty I live in NC, that doesn't happen here. Are you hungry right now? No. What do you think of couples who have entire albums just for them, with pictures of them just randomly at home, doing nothing that really requires a photo? Dude, I love that. Cherish every moment with each other. Make memories, freeze them in pictures. Can you work the microwave? Well, considering it's the only thing I cook in and we've had the same one my entire life (ours is extremely old/can't be bought anymore and is SERIOUSLY durable with time, apparently, as it works perfectly), I know it well. Can you work the washing machine? Heh. Not really... embarrassing as that is. My mom does both of our laundry together, so... but I should seriously still know. She's shown me a few times, but with how abominably horrid my memory is, I forget again and again. There's too many options. Do you like your photo being taken? NO. Have you ever got into a club, whilst being underage? Never been to a club period. How many magazines do you buy a month? None. How many of them are car-related? "If I did, they certainly wouldn’t be car related. That doesn’t interest me at all." <<<< Big same. What about fashion? Well, I'd like ones that offered alternative clothing choices that you could order. Any celeb gossip ones? Ew. What pets do you have? We're about to have only two: my snake Venus and cat Roman. With Mom's cancer diagnosis and both chemo and surgery coming along, she simply can't handle our dumb dog anymore. He's needed to go for a LONG time, so we're trying to find a new home for him. Last gig you went to? Still Alice Cooper. Next gig your going to? Should Ozzy still have his concerts like he wants to after his treatments in Sweden or wherever it is, most likely him. Mom and I planned to, and we will absolutely go if he reinstates them. I'm completely understanding if this doesn't happen though; he has to take care of himself, the poor 'ole man. Bless him. Life's a cruel bitch, giving a legendary singer Parkinson's (it's going to disable him from singing with time). Favorite color? Pink! o: Are you regularly tired? Only always, my friend. Are you excited to live on your own? Completely alone, no. I know it would be extremely unhealthy for me with depression and becoming so easily lonely and unmotivated without encouragement and companionship of some sort. I'll have to live with a spouse. Even then, I'm nervous about it. Living with Jason and our friends in that apartment was both a good and very bad experience; it taught me a good deal of independence, but I still found it very stressful. When do you plan on moving out? When I've been in a long-term, healthy relationship. Do you daydream? Only all the time. Do you dream at night? More like have nightmares/terrors almost nightly. BUT! They've actually chilled some the past few days!! I don't recall what the dream was (but I'm 90% sure Mark was in it, A SHOCKER), but I woke up laughing hysterically recently, Mom told me. So that could only be a good sign. When you’re sick, do you like to be pampered, or left alone? A mix, but mostly the former honestly. Halp pls. But I also want my time to sleep. Are you superstitious? Nope. How many pictures are in your wallet? Ohhh I'm actually not sure. I know I have a handful of my nieces and nephews. I need one of Emerson now. If someone cries while watching a sad movie..do you laugh at them? ???? That is so insensitive???? No???? How often do you change your sheets? I'm... not sure, actually? I know at LEAST once a month (which probably isn't enough), but possibly another time? Idk, I don't pay attention. I just do when I feel it's time to. Is you bedroom upstairs or down? We only have one floor. Is it true blood is thicker than water? Nope. If you could wish someone out of your life... who would it be? Well, he's not *literally* a part of it, but Jason, as far as in my head. Remembering him, sudden memories, flashback prompts, all that jazz are very much daily events. Truly, it doesn't *really* affect me much anymore, it's just so "normal," but it would certainly be grand if he wasn't the most staple person in my head. If you could be with anyone in the world..famous or not..who would it be? HUNNY SWEET CHILD- Are you high maintenance? Nope. If you could change one thing in the world... what would it be? PEACE. JUST PEACE. No war, no violence in general, just. Handle shit like mature adults. If you could star in any movie... which would it be? None. I'm too self-conscious of myself to be in a movie, and I'm a horrible and extremely awkward actress. If you could live in a fairy tale..which would it be? "Alice in Wonderland." <<<< 100% 100% 100%. If you could live in the past..where would it be? The '80s, baby!! If you could see only one person right now..who would it be? Ugh, Sara. I've missed her to death and desperately wanna hang out. Do you wear shoes in the house? No sir. Do you dream in color or black and white? YO! I only recently learned this is a thing with some people, but I dream in color. What is your favorite accent? British. Do you write poetry/songs/stories? Poetry, occasionally. Stories, well, you could easily consider RP that, as we're all collaboratively writing many. Do you wear socks with sandals? gtfo of here with that shit Would you marry for money? HA, no. Do you have any “in the mood” music you like to listen to? AHAHA YES I'M SORRY. Would you vote for a woman president? "If she was a good candidate in my own personal opinion, yeah." <<<< "This. I want to vote for someone who I feel can do the best job. Their gender has nothing to do with it." <<<< Ditto. Are looks/appearances really important? For me personally, not really. Like yes, it's nice to feel physical attraction towards your love interest, but it's a very, very little factor for me, if at all. When you die, do you want to be cremated or buried? Please just cremate me. I really don't wanna be buried. Just taking up space. Do you like to play video games? Yeah, but not as much as I used to, though I wish I did... I think I've watched way too many let's plays to where I can enjoy just fine watching YTers I like experience the game, and I do secondhand while getting some good laughs. Do you like Final Fantasy? Which one do you prefer of all? Oh my god, I wish I was more involved in that series, as I know how madly beloved it is. I used to be obsessed with the demo for FFVIII; my sister, brother, and I would play it like mad, but only Bobby could beat it. The final spider-like boss of the demo was fuckin impossible. I did play a lot of FFVII, which I adored, it was just... so long and by maybe over halfway through, I just drifted from it. I need to watch a playthrough of it, honestly, because the story was so captivating and I genuinely would love to witness how it ends. Have you ever caught on fire? WOW no thank fuck. Do you have a YouTube channel? Yeah, but I don't really make stuff anymore. I don't have Vegas on this computer and honestly I'm just not motivated to really make videos. Do you ever go to video game arcades? No. :( Do you care what people think of you? In most cases, VERY MUCH. Not always, though, but it STRICTLY depends on the situation, big time. Like, I'll walk into Wal-Mart in my pj's np, but there are just a lot of things where I will seriously care too much. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? No. I had one teacher that ALL the girls thought was super attractive, but I definitely didn't have a crush on him... and then later he got fired for sexual relations with one of the students. OOF. Do you like Lady Gaga? I don't mind her, usually. She's got some good jams. "Bad Romance" is legendary. Do you think you have been in love before? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadly in love, friends. Do you like Edgar Allan Poe? Love him! Have you ever gotten hit on by some creeper? Oh god yeah and it was awful. Do you bless random people when they sneeze? Yep. Do you have a short temper? No. Have you ever had a yard sale? Yes. Do you go to Barnes and Noble for books, the library or someplace else? I go to Books-A-Million. Do you have an iPad? Nope. Are you scared to die? Yes and no. It's the unknown of what comes after that makes me apprehensive. Do you go to church every Sunday? I never go. Do you think you draw well? I honestly think I draw decently. Have you ever wanted to be a meteorologist? No. Do you like Taylor Swift? Not really, and DEFINITELY not newer stuff, but I will rock hardcore to "Picture To Burn," "Safe and Sound" is positively beautiful, and "Love Story" used to be my favorite song at one point.

[weirdlizard26]

For the ask meme? All of them.

jay,,,

give me a sec to edit this post ok

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

wine glasses are like reading glasses except you wear them while drinking wine

i’d say water bottles but only the ones that can handle heat and stuff and not poison your drink with plastic or whatever

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

i havent had a lollipop in a good while so thats my choice

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

havent tried either but boy i’d love to try just a little bit of cotton candy at leastonce

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

bro,,,,,, that was like 10 years ago, how am i supposed to remember that,,,,,,,

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i usually drink soda from plastic cups but honestly? nothing beats the experience of sipping that sweet sweet ambrosia from the bottle,,, but also i’d love to try soda in a can some day!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

idk what half of these would look like but sportswear always wins in my book

7. earbuds or headphones?

ok i actually googled whats the difference and im more of an earbuds person! theyrejust safer i think and it makes me kinda anxious when im home listening tomusic and cant hear anything going on around me

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows! well, unless the episodes are like 40 minutes or a full hour because its hard to focus for that long kfjsndkfs

9. favorite smell in the summer?

pavement after rain and also. grass.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

haha thats a funny joke you made there *starts crying*

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

just a couple of meat+cheese+mayo sandwiches! if its summer mom cuts tomatoes or cucumbers for us and as they start getting more and more expensive we replace them with pickles!

12. name of your favorite playlist?

sorry i couldnt choose!

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

aaaa i love fruit flavored ones!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

aaaaaaaa i dont remember if it was elementary or middle school but we were assigned this really cool ukrainian book that ive actually read before they assigned it. well, nobody here will recognize it but it was Тореадори з Васюківки by Всеволод Нестайко and it was about 2 boys who were best friends growing up in the countryside and they went on adventures and had fun and their friendship made me so happy,,, i guess i was all for cool friendship portrayal even back then! it was mostly laughs and jokes but some moments were actually serious and hit me really hard and i remember them to this day actually

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

its a myth, sitting was created as a personal attack on me

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

my trusty old sneakers!! theyre all black and the sole is very soft and nice

18. ideal weather?

when the sun is out and its just warm enough to show off your new graphic tee and also very soft and nice

19. sleeping position?

i just lie on my left side like a fool

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

notebook!

21. obsession from childhood?

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!! AND DANNY PHANTOM!!!! i even made a ghost fighting costume once,,,, tho it wasnt much of a costume, it was just fingerless gloves i cut out of paper. they were extremely uncomfortable. but very effective in fighting ghosts!

22. role model?

kfjsdnfk i have a bunch! might sound weird but one of them is bdg i think??? and the other 2 are some online acquaintances whom im too afraid to interact with more often than i do

23. strange habits?

repeating silly lines i hear on tv / in anime/cartoons? and also i never touch food with my right hand unless its plums?? and there are more but. you know. bad memory.

24. favorite crystal?

all of them!!!!!

25. first song you remember hearing?

my grandma used to sing this to me over the phone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUPnqqPXQsw

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

go for a walk!

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

slep

28. five songs to describe you?

we are the people by empire of the sun

home by cavetown

strawberry blonde by mitski

smile like you mean it by the killers

afterlife by arcade fire

29. best way to bond with you?

wash your hands very thoroughly and make jokes

30. places that you find sacred?

i see nature i go crazy from how much respect i have for it

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass andtake names?

*wearing hinata cosplay* im here to play volleyball and kick your ass and as you can see ive already played today’s match

32. top five favorite vines?

road work ahead

a avocado!! thanks!!!!!

REBECCA THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK

i fell can you help me :(

that vine where ukulele sounds like human voices and people sounds like ukuleles

33. most used phrase in your phone?

idk how to check that??? sowwy

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

the stomach meds ad they keep showing on tv

35. average time you fall asleep?

3am? 4am? idk for sure

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

t-trollface…

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

havent used either (cause ive never traveled anywhere too far away) but the latter looks pretty and i feel like it would fit more stuff

38. lemonade or tea?

depends on my mood!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

dont kick me but im not sure if ive ever tried either ;w;

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

the school’s cat who hates most people actually kinda warmed up to me even tho im terrible with animals

41. last person you texted?

jay uwu

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

afabs cant have both huh

but i want both. please give me both.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

all of these sound nice but my lazy ass will always go for hoodies

44. favorite scent for soap?

aaaaaaaa im allergic to a lot of soaps but i like flower scented ones

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

i love all of them dearly but lately ive been more into superheroes i think. im not sure really sure what exactly i feel

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

something really really long

47. favorite type of cheese?

there are different types????

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

i hope im a pear

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

become a good person. thats all.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

i dont remember what it was but i remember i was with my friends and we couldnt stop laughing for several minutes and ive never felt happier

51. current stresses?

UNIVERSITY FUCK OFF!!!

52. favorite font?

i like comic sans

53. what is the current state of your hands?

they arent doing so hot tbh, my dermatitis is back again

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i dont have one!

55. favorite fairy tale?

gonna be honest chief, i dont remember too many of them ;w;

56. favorite tradition?

on new year’s we turn the lights off, light up a candle in the kitchen, laugh at president’s speech and only then starts eating

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

getting over a lost friendship, passing high school finals and uni entrance exams and coming out to my best friend

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

singing!! being able to learn how to do most things pretty quickly!!! and i cant think of anything else but honestly these two are quite enough for me

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

uh oh! guess what! i dont have a catchphrase and im very self-conscious about it!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

im torn between sports anime and slice of life

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

because humans dont have wings we look for other ways to fly

from haikyuu

obviously

62. seven characters you relate to?

tsukishima kei from haikyuu

mae borowski from nitw

apollo justice from ace attorney

flame princess from adventure time

donatello from tmnt

sokka from atla

kageyama shigeo from mob psycho 100

63. five songs that would play in your club?

mr brightside, bohemian rhapsody, smile like you mean it by the killers and allof haikyuu ops and eds

64. favorite website from your childhood?

if social media counts, vkontakte i guess?? i didnt really go anywhere else and it still exists and i thriving so im not sure if it should count fkjsndkjf

65. any permanent scars?

yeah, the one from my very first vaccination from when i was a few months old i think and also some traces of when i had chickenpox

66. favorite flower(s)?

idk a lot of flower names but i really like tulips

67. good luck charms?

dont have any at the moment but i’d love to get one!

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

whatever fish mom used to buy when we were kids >:(

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

bro my memory isnt good enough to remember those,,

70. left or right handed?

im a righty but i had to become a lefty for like a month when i broke my pinkie

71. least favorite pattern?

i like traditional ukrainian ornaments

72. worst subject?

history :P

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

ice cream + fries

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

idk how pain levels work but i try not to take meds unless the pain is interfering with studying

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

idk but i had a box full of my teeth for so long they turned to dust and i had to throw it away

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

RHNGRHGNRHGRNH EVERYTHING except for freshly made mashed potatoes

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

if its green it can stay

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

have never had either of those and i hope i never will cause they sound gross!

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i dont have a license, so.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

kfjsndfks depends on the mood tbh!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

fireflies!

82. pc or console?

i WISH i had a console but this is too broke for that,, i played a couple of times tho and it feels more fun than pc!

83. writing or drawing?

please dont make me choose, ive abandoned both and its making me feel bad

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts :O

84. barbie or polly pocket?

idk what polly pocket is but barbie rules!!!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

i feel like sometimes fairy tales are kinda like watered down myths so i have a right to say i like both

86. cookies or cupcakes?

my heart goes to cookies

87. your greatest fear?

finding out im faking any part of my identity

88. your greatest wish?

get through whatever’s going on right now

89. who would you put before everyone else?

mom

90. luckiest mistake?

when i recorded an undertale medley and got a few notes wrong but it actually ended up sounding better than originally

91. boxes or bags?

boxes!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights……

93. nicknames?

never really had many? my bff calls me mr smith sometimes but thats all i can think of fkjsdnfs but also! steve used to be my nickname before i decided my life my own and i get to choose my name

94. favorite season?

spring ;w;

95. favorite app on your phone?

sudoku

 96. desktop background?

 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

my own and my mom’s

 98. favorite historical era?

eh im not very fond of the past because not every time period had soap

[serena-waldorf]

🏳️‍🌈 pride q&a snagged from @veroniquemagique

❤sexuality: Bisexual baby 

🧡pronouns: she/her

💛gender: female

💚relationship status: Single AF sadly lol 

💙celebrity crush: Just one? LOL. Jane Fonda, Hillary Clinton, and Nicki Minaj are like the top 3 right now lol. And I guess Drake and Mahershala Ali for men lol. Felicity Huffman used to be in this category but yeah, having mixed feelings about her currently obviously (but she did really turn me on in a horny angry way in the 2 episodes of When They See Us that I’ve watched so far 🙈 Even though the character she is portraying is despicable,  lawyer + villain = hot I guess lol 🙈) 

💜best friend: Well my BFF forever and ever from high school Lizz, is straight sadly lol but I have another really close friend from high school, K, who is bi as well and so is her sister and her super soon-to-be husband. But K and I and her sister and fiance don’t really talk about bi/queer issues or topics too much. 

In terms of a close friendship where we talk about Bi/Queer stuff all the time, then @zestycactus is an amazing friend! She is always there if you need to talk through problems/issues but overall she is just a really nice person, a kind friend, and a fun person to chill with 😊 Gotta give her a lot of credit for helping me to be able to accept my bisexuality a lot more over the past year and a bit, just from our talks and by always being able to come along to queer events or programs with me when able to and for bringing me along to my first one ever over a year ago 😁 

Side note: If you’re LGBTQ+ and struggling with your sexuality or even if you’re not and you just want to be around other queer people or make new queer friends, and you have an (LGBTQ) community centre around you with support groups or networks that hold regular meetings and events, I would highly recommend just from personal experience! And if you don’t have access to something like that because I know not everybody does and you ever want to talk, about LGBTQ issues or not and you just want to chat, my ask box and inbox is always open! 

💙when did you come out: I must have figured it out for myself when I was 12/13/14, no later than 14 for sure, I was probably 12/13 ish. Then I randomly came out to a few classmates around then on an overnight school trip that year (7th grade). And then came out to a lot of (if not most) friends over the course of high school and kept coming out to friends throughout university. And I have been coming out ever since lol. As any queer person knows,  it never ends. I think I only told my mom a few months ago, like almost a year ago now? It was last August/September ish, I’m gonna say? And yeah, still have a lot of coming out to do to a lot of family still but its a “cross that bridge when I get to it” situation, if I ever got into a serious enough relationship with a girl and wanted to introduce her to family but right now, its a long shot of that happening any time soon lololol. 

💚first person you came out to: It was over 10 years ago so the memories of that time period are fuzzy but I’m gonna say it was random classmates I was sharing a room with on an overnight school leadership camping trip thing, one of them was a close friend but an on and off again friend (it was a super complicated friendship/situation throughout high school and middle school actually lololol) and thinking back on it, I have no idea what made me come out to them, then and there because I wasn’t really friends with the other 2 girls and one of them was a huge bitch lol. Maybe I just needed to say it out loud to somebody while I was coming to terms with it? 

💛first gf/bf: My high school BF from near the end of high school and into most of our first year of university before we called it quits. Meh, it wasn’t the best relationship for a first relationship, it was sweet and nice but it shortly became more of a friendship than a romantic relationship. I won’t go into details here because I’ve been rambling enough in this questionnaire lol (feel free to message me tho for more info if you’re really  that intrigued lol) but at least it taught us that we do make better friends than we did BF/GF, I don’t even know if either of us was TRULY interested in the other one or if we were just dating each other for the sake of having somebody while almost everyone else around us in our friends group at the time was coupled up and we didn’t want to feel left out *shrug* I think the latter is true for me tbh as bad as that sounds. But even though me and him have our differences in more ways than one, he is a really nice and funny guy and his mom taught him to treat girls well, even just friends lol and we do still meet up every few months for a dinner or a movie or whatever and its nice to catch up every once in a while with him. (LOL, I still wrote a book in this answer when I said I wouldn’t). 

🧡ever had a crush on a straight person: Like all my crushes lol. Even with straight men I’m usually rejected or they are already taken and I had a bad experience with a crush in my last year of university so since then, I’ve just tried not to develop hardcore crushes on people besides little crushes that I know won’t go anywhere. And even though there is one straight friend I will always crush on, I know she is straight and nothing will ever happen lol so I respect that and would never tell her my feelings because it would probably ruin the friendship and I cherish the friendship aspect too much to do that. 

❤fallen for a friend: I think I answered this in the last question. YES lol. It’s never ended well for me except for my first BF. I definitely don’t make moves anymore or let feelings be known. But then again, I haven’t had a serious crush on anyone since my disasterous experience in 4th year of university lol. And I talked about my crush on my straight friend in the answer to the previous question as well. 

💛best LGBTQ+ friend: @zestycactus , reasons why are listed in the best friend question above. And my best friend K from high school as mentioned in the best friend answer above also, but both being LGBTQ isn’t really a factor in our friendship, its just a coincidence lol. 

💚person that made you doubt your sexuality: I don’t think any one specific person ever has but those “How do you know you’re bi?” “How can you be in love with both?” kinds of questions do get tiresome. I don’t really get them aimed at me specifically by any one person luckily but just hearing and seeing those sentiments in general in everyday life or hearing stories from other people is tiresome and annoying. And not so much doubt but I have one straight friend who I love and I know she is just trying to be a supportive friend and ally but she seems really INSISTENT on me dating women, creating dating profiles on dating apps to meet women specifically, she’s always getting on my case about getting on dating apps etc and while I appreciate the support lol and I am more attracted to women than men (and I did express that I would prefer dating girls right now) but like I’m bi, I’m not ruling out men completely yet if I do decide to make dating profiles and I end up clicking with men or one specific guy. I honestly will probably end up with a girl, or I want to see what dating girls is like, but like I said, men aren’t completely out of the equation for me either because anything can happen lol. Life is unpredictable. I feel like if I date men or meet a guy somehow this friend is gonna say something about me dating women and ask why I’m not with a woman and that she thought I wanted to date women etc. So that does worry me about dating men if it ever happens but this friend is very inadvertently pushy in general (in her own weird supportive way lol) so I just gotta roll with it and appreciate the support, and if I end up dating a guy in the future who makes me happy, and she is “upset” or confused or something, I just gotta remind her that its my life, my happiness and my choices at the end of the day. 

💙proud of your sexuality: Hell yeah 10/10, I’m so happy to be bi, even though I still have bad days, doubts, insecurities, worries, my questioning periods etc, but the pride outweighs those feelings for the most part most days. And like I said, going to bi support groups and queer events really helped the past year and a half. 

💜comfortable with your sexuality: Getting there. A lot better than I was a year and a half ago. I’m getting more and more comfortable and proud every day. I’ve definitely been on a journey for the past year and a half of self-love, mindfulness, weight loss, and just building better habits and patterns in general. Not just in terms of my sexuality but I took a lot of risks this past year and a half and not all of them have paid off yet but even though I have the odd bad day still like we all do,  I am in a much better state of mind in general than I was a year ago, 2 years ago, especially 3 years ago. And as I’ve talked about in this questionnaire, support groups for bi people really helped with becoming more comfortable with my sexuality, and helping me to embrace it more over the past year or so. 

💙describe yourself: Coffee addict, foodie, pop culture lover (especially movies and TV shows lol), fun-loving, kind, caring, hardworking, creative, silly, great friend 

💚LGBTQ+ hero: Idk, Sarah Paulson and Lily Tomlin? I’m sure I could answer this better after giving it more thought but its late. 

💛favorite part of being LGBTQ+: The friendships/connections I’ve made in the queer community, both online on social media and in real life through the support groups, queer events etc. Feeling like I don’t have to fit into the neat little heteronormative box. And this is shallow but thank god I was born with the ability to appreciate and love women both physically and intellectually because hey, women are hot af, let’s be real lol. 

🧡advice to younger you: It’s okay to like girls, there is nothing wrong with it, being bi and loving women is beautiful. Love yourself some more. You deserve credit for everything you’ve gone through and overcome. You’re amazing and you’re going to do great things with your life, meet and befriend amazing people one day, and accomplish things you never imagined. 

❤️do you ever wish you weren’t LGBTQ+: No? Why would I? As Lady Gaga would say, I was born this way lol. I mean yeah there’s hard times, difficult moments, hard things about being queer but being bi specifically carries its own hardships. And like I said, the good outweighs the bad. There’s hard days, moments, questioning periods etc but I wouldn’t change things for the world. Thank God I’m not straight lol. If only for the fact that I love women too much lmao. NGL, I often wonder what its like for my straight female friends who don’t see women the same way I do lol and who don’t see them in a romantic sense if that makes sense. It’s probably a whole lot easier to be straight but I really wouldn’t change things if I could. 

[legendarysongphilosopher]

That One Girl I Have Searched The World For...

Begining

Let me start from last week basically I met this girl and she is this really kind, astonishing intelligent person (she also likes astronomy) and we share some similar hobbies (one of which is guitar 'this info will be required later.') we had been talking a lot for a week or two but one night she just deactivated her facebook out of the blue and honestly it never occurred to me to ask her for any other means of communication (number, Snapchat, Instagram...etc) so I started going through our old conversations hoping to find some way to reach her and it paid off. Turns out she goes to my old guitar teacher which I used to go to a couple of years ago, so I called him and asked if I could attend a class as a guest he agreed and said I should be there on Wednesday (it was Monday then so I had some time to practice) and with my guitar lessons starting so did me internally screaming because of the pain in my fingertips (I play acoustic guitar which I wouldn’t have touched any time soon if it wasn’t for her).

The Day I Met Her

Heads UP:  some of you might find the first paragraph a bit boring, it is just extra information but will provide some insight for the rest of the story.

 It was a normal windy day in the begging of June I was home watching Supernatural when someone from Horizon office called me (it is a nonprofitable organization I have been a volunteer at for quite some time now) they told me we need to deliver some packages to some unfortunate families since there was an eid coming out we wanted to help provide food to those who can not.

In Horizon, our projects are usually done as groups of four people do those as a team of four.

So I had to be at the office at Two O'clock but my fear of being late taking the best of me resulted in me sitting in the office at 1:30; it was fine I had city of fallen angels (shadow hunter series by Casandra Clare) with me so I started reading until everyone arrived which was 3:30...

Me being the introvert I am I tried to avoid unnecessary conversations and act as professional as an 18 years old could I didn’t really pay attention to what each individual in our group was doing until we were halfway through our list, and there she was,our photographer taking pictures of the kids and playing with them, asking how their lives were and what they would like to receive for the upcoming eid and this is when I got interested in her...

It was around 5 O’clock we were visiting the last families on our list and I was still developing the courage to start a simple conversation and to be honest I probably wouldn’t if I didn’t hear her talk about her pet cat with another one of our volunteers now I have never had a cat, my mom doesn’t trust me with that responsibility but I this was my window, this was my only chance “I have a white Persian cat” it took me less than a second to realize that once again my mouth worked faster than my brain but since my cousin has two Persian cats I know all there is to know about them and this was the chance I needed so we went on talking about cats and how cute they are.

It was eight, we just got out of the office after handing over the documents by now I knew the rest of the team a bit we had occasional conversations about the families we visited so when we got out of the building I waited for everyone to leave (they were waiting for taxis and I was the only guy in the group so I was just there to make sure everyone will go home safely) but she prefers buses over taxis so I offered to keep her accompanied until the bus station (I might have said my house is near there) even though my house is literally on the opposite side of the city but it was worth it, we had an awesome conversation and before she left I asked if she could send me the pictures she took today (I help with advertisement and raising donation for our organization) so she added me on her facebook and my story or rather my search for her began.

The Wednesday and The Next Saturday 

Turns out she goes to my old guitar teacher which I used to go to a couple of years ago, so I called him and asked if I could attend a class as a guest he agreed and said I should be there on Wednesday (it was Monday then so I had some time to practice) and with my guitar lessons starting so did me internally screaming because of the pain in my fingertips (I play acoustic guitar which I wouldn’t have touched any time soon if it wasn’t for her).

I spent the past two days practicing my guitar but it still sounded awful.

My guitar practice was at 1 but I didn’t sleep all night long because I was busy practicing so by the time I got to my class I was a zombie functioning on coffee.. It was four hours of hell, she didn’t show up to that class or the next one nor the other one so at 5 o’clock I just gave up and decided to go home but before that I asked the teacher if it could be possible to schedule me for the same lesson as my friend and he agreed

 I went to my music lesson and I waited, for hours... I was drowned in thoughts and scenarios the only time I was paying attention was when somebody opened the door and I had this temporary hope that this is her, she is finally here but that never happened..my teacher calling my name pulled me out of my daydreaming and he added "I have two other guitar students appointed for today but your friend was 3 hours ago, I am sorry but I don't think she is coming” and that sums up that day and the depression which followed, also I am starting to wonder if she has stopped attending her guitar lessons. 

One Week Had Passed!

one week has passed since I last heard of her and I had all these different scenarios of what might be going on somewhere in this time period I wondered that she might have simply blocked me but our last conversation was:

Before you judge me I know I know it is a bit lame but she seemed to like it she was somehow fascinated by it so in order to make sure I haven’t done something that made her block me I checked with our mutual friends and it was the same with them as well.. she was just gone. 

It was after dinner when I got a call from horizon saying they have this big event planned to help a refugee camp and they needed 15 volunteers despite my endless desire to stay in my room and just drawn my self in paintings I agreed to go and help.

Today!

I was late 'which is way out of character, I am usually 30m early but I was LATE this time' so I am rushing upstairs trying to get there as soon as possible and while I am going up I see two girls coming down, I didn't pay attention; I wanted nothing but to lay down in my bed and think so despite it being early in the morning I was already grumpy but deep down in my heart something was whispering “that was her”

 By the time I got upstairs every other team was on their way (including the 2 girls I just saw)

we waited a bit longer for my best friend to show up so our team would be complete too, it was a half an hour drive so I told him about what happened in the morning and when we arrived at the camp we grouped up with rest of the volunteers and two of my best friends are already there and we pretty much spent the entire day arguing rather it is her or not.

They were identical, the same kind and lovely face with the beautiful smile the exact characteristics but with one major difference she has green eyes and I don’t blame my friend for not realizing the difference they never saw Darya and what they knew of her was what I had described.

It wasn’t until after lunchtime that they convinced me to go talk to her “MEER you have been looking for her EVERYWHERE and now that she is here you are just being shy and hiding in a corner???” shouted aros while glaring toward her, to be honest even though the first thing I noticed about Darya was her sky blue eyes and this girl clearly lacked those, aros encouraged me into talking to the girl and a part of me wanted to know who she was and if she was related with Darya or not.

She was busy taking pictures of a kid sitting on one of our packages, it was a boy probably 2 or 3 and he was playful so I didn’t really blame her for not noticing me the first time I called her (yes she was a photographer too...), "you look like Darya but I know for a fact Darya had blue eyes and your are green but your tone, your face, the way you behave resemble her a lot... my friends insist that you are Darya and at this point I am not sure anymore either..” she looked at the picture she had taken and then at me she said “Hello” while smiling and then added “I am her sister actually” I explained that I am one of her friends and that I am worried a bit considering that she has deactivated her social media and none of our mutual friends have any news of her; she surprised me by saying “ I know who you are, Darya told me about you. You have a cat right?” “uhum, yeah I do!” I might have sounded weird but I wasn’t even paying attention to the conversation anymore I was just thinking what else she might have told her about me and why would she tell her about me.

At the end of the event when we got back to the office I talked to her again and  she  assured me Darya was fine and the reason she wasn’t with us today is that she had to go to university I asked her if there was a way for me to get in touch with her she hesitated for a moment but handed me her phone and said “write what you want in the notepad, I will show it to her...

any logical person would have written something nice and reasonable or something that would attract their attention, me?

I wrote my number, my snapchat, and a simple sentence:

“wanna join the earth is a cat society?” with a smiley face next to it and it wasn’t until I got home and told my friend about it that I realized how badly I had messed up...

To Be Continued If Anything New Happens...

ALSO shoutout to kaylee for encouraging me to post this.. I made a new Tumblr account for this since I couldn’t remember anything about my old one..

[thelovelykatherinelangford]

Selena Gomez Interview With Katherine Langford - Selena Gomez 13RW Interview

KATHERINE LANGFORD: What’s the best part of being a performer in 2018?

SELENA GOMEZ:  I feel like it’s become a much safer place to express your concerns or even just to have the right to say, you know, “I’m not sure I feel comfortable in this environment.” On a personal level, having done this since I was seven, it’s probably the most comfortable I’ve ever felt. Even in auditions I feel like I’m way more confident than I would’ve been in the past. I’m not focused on the things that I used to be like, “Do I look old enough? Do I look sexy enough? Do I look cool enough? Am I nice enough, graceful enough?” Those sorts of things would come into my mind, but now I feel a little more liberated.

KL: You became famous in your early teens. Is there anything you feel you missed out on?

SG:  I’ve spent probably too much time thinking about how my life could’ve been, so now I try to just have a sense of gratitude for how it is. I’ve never wanted to be the kind of person who’s like, “Oh, I wish I had a different life.” This is just kind of how it worked out for me. I’m at the point where I know the value of my privacy, and I understand how the system works, and once I realized and accepted that part of it I’ve become a little bit more fearless. I view it as a small price to pay for being able to have the life I have now.

KL: This is Harper’s Bazaar, so we need to talk fashion. Are you a shoe girl or a bag girl?

SG:  Oh, I’m both, and I always have been. Even when I was younger and wore backpacks, I was so excited to get a Betsey Johnson one. It seemed so much more exciting to me than clothes. And I absolutely love cool shoes. I always felt like what I wore didn’t matter unless I had a cool pair of shoes to go with it.

KL: What was your first major fashion purchase?

SG:  A Louis Vuitton laptop bag right after I got my first big check on my own. I remember being so scared that I was gonna mess it up, and pretending I was some little businesswoman who needed to carry all her important things, even though it was just for my lip gloss and laptop.

KL: You’ve grown into quite the fashion plate. How would you describe your personal style?

SG:  Definitely casual. Even if I’m not working out, I look like I’m working out. [Laughs]

KL: You’re the undisputed queen of Insta, of course. How do you draw the line between the public and the private Selena?

SG:  I have a complex relationship with Instagram, to say the least. It has given me a voice amid all the noise of people trying to narrate my life for me and allows me to say, “Hey, I’m gonna post this, and this is gonna take care of the 1,200 stories that people think are interesting but actually aren’t, and aren’t even true.” So it empowers me in that way because it’s my words and my voice and my truth. The only thing that worries me is how much value people our age place on social media. It’s an incredible platform, but in a lot of ways it’s given young people, myself included, a false representation of what’s important. So, yeah, it’s a complex relationship. Probably one of my most difficult relationships.

KL: What is a typical Saturday night for you?

SG:  It depends. If I’m in the mood for sister time, I’ll be with my sister, Gracie. She’s more mature than me in a lot of ways, and she’s four. [Laughs] If I want to hang out with my friends, I don’t really go to a lot of trendy places, so people know they shouldn’t really invite me to those places ’cause I’m not gonna go. I like going to nice restaurants, but I’m also into Chili’s. I love going to Chili’s and having queso and chips. I also love dancing. I really do. I love looking like a fool with my friends.

KL: How important is your Mexican heritage?

SG:  Extremely. I look at myself in the mirror every day and think, “Man, I wish I knew more Spanish.” I’ll never forget when I was doing my TV show [Wizards of Waverly Place]; I think I was 15 or 16. We would do these live tapings every Friday, and one Friday there was this single mother with her four kids. She was Latin, and she came up to me after, crying. Her kids were so excited, but I noticed the mom, so I gave her a hug and asked, “Hey, are you okay?” And she was like, “It’s really incredible for my daughters to see that a Latina woman can be in this position and achieve her dreams, someone who isn’t the typical, you know, blonde with blue eyes.” And I knew what she meant. When I was younger my idol was Hilary Duff! I remember wanting blue eyes too. So I think I recognized then that it meant something to people. That it matters. Even recently I’ve experienced things with my dad that were racially charged. Most of the time, though, I try to separate my career from my culture because I don’t want people to judge me based on my looks when they have no idea who I am. And now more than ever, I’m proud of it. But I still need to learn Spanish. [Laughs]

KL: Millennials take a lot of heat for being spoiled and lacking direction. Do you think we get a bad rap?

SG:  I think millennials are a hell of a lot smarter than we’re given credit for. We’re more aware than we let on, and more exposed to everything that’s out there in the world, just from growing up on the Web, which is a little scary to think about.

KL: What do you think distinguishes our generation from the ones that came before?

SG:  Mainly I think it’s the freedom to express ourselves and be who we are in an unapologetic way. Thanks to the Internet, no matter who you are, you know you’re not alone. Maybe a young boy or girl growing up in the South or wherever is confused and terrified to be who they are because they don’t think it’s right. Now they can see all around them people living free of pain, of hidden agendas, of secrets. I think secrets kill people, I really do. You end up trying to cover up so much of who you are for the sake of your family or whoever, and you think you’re bad for being different. So it’s powerful to see our generation breaking those boundaries and encouraging other people to do the same. There’s a sense of freedom that past generations weren’t able to have.

KL: Who’s your biggest female role model?

SG:  Meryl Streep has always been one of my idols because of her elegance and ability to always be true to herself but play these incredibly complex, difficult characters. I love how she carries herself. I feel the same way about Grace VanderWaal, who’s, like, 14 years old. I was at the Billboard Women in Music Awards last year with all these incredible women, but she was just radiant. She had this knowledge and wisdom about her that I wanted for myself. Oh, and I really love Amal Clooney. I know that sounds weird, but I’ve read a lot about her. She’s just incredible, the way she speaks and what she fights for. I guess I’m a bit all over the place.

KL: If you could trade places with any actress from the past, who would it be?

SG:  Either Audrey Hepburn or Molly Ringwald in the ’80s. How amazing must that have been? She was a redhead and had freckles and was so incredibly cool. I still want to dress like her in Pretty in Pink.

KL: Do you think 2018 will be a better year than the one we just had?

SG:  I’m going to say yes because I believe that for myself. And anyone who knows me knows I will always start with my health and my well-being. I’ve had a lot of issues with depression and anxiety, and I’ve been very vocal about it, but it’s not something I feel I’ll ever overcome. There won’t be a day when I’m like, “Here I am in a pretty dress—I won!” I think it’s a battle I’m gonna have to face for the rest of my life, and I’m okay with that because I know that I’m choosing myself over anything else. I’m starting my year off with that thought. I want to make sure I’m healthy. If that’s good, everything else will fall into place. I don’t really set goals ’cause I don’t want to be disappointed if I don’t reach them, but I do want to work on my music too. My next album has been forever in the making. When people ask me why, I’m honest about it: It’s because I haven’t been ready. I mean, point-blank, I don’t feel confident enough in where my music is yet. If that takes 10 years, then it takes 10 years. I don’t care. Right now I just want to be super intentional with all of the things I’m doing.

(This article originally appears in the March 2018 issue of Harper's Bazaar, available on newsstands February 20)

[lovemesomesurveys]

Snow or sand? I love the beach, but hate the sand. It literally gets everywhere. I love the snow, though. I wish it snowed where I live. I’ll have to go with snow.

Do you like sour candy? No. I don’t like the sourness and it irritates my mouth. 

If anyone, who did you sit with at lunch today? It’s only 5AM. I’m also not in school nor do I have a job, so I just have lunch at home either by myself in my room or with my mom in the living room or her room. That’s if I have lunch at all. 

What is the last letter of your favorite song? I couldn’t choose just one favorite song ya’ll know this.

Have you gotten any injuries lately? If so, what & how? No.

Are you a clumsy person? I bang my hand and elbow a lot.

How about disorganized? My room is a bit disorganized. I never used to let it get like that, but it’s a reflection of how I feel and have felt for the past few years. I’m a mess.

Have you ever thought about being a pirate? No.

If you text, who were the last three people you texted? My dad, mom, and brother. 

Does today’s date mean anything to you? Nope.

How are you currently feeling? Tired and kinda cold. 

Last male you talked to in person? My brother.

Have you ever had a sunburn? Yeah, many times. I got them a lot as a kid cause I actually used to play outside and spent a lot of time out there. Shocking, I know. I get them when I go to the beach as well. I’ve had some really painful ones. However, they always end up turning into a tan so that’s nice. 

Do you use Firefox or Internet Explorer? Neither, I use Chrome.

Are you thinking about asking anyone out? No.

Pink lemonade or regular lemonade? I’m not a fan of lemonade.

Chocolate or strawberry milk? Strawberry.

Does it annoy you when people answer surveys with “idk”? I know I say “I don’t know” a lot. I try to answer the questions and in more detail, but sometimes I really just don’t know.

What is the current time? 5:08AM.

Should you be doing something other than this? Probably try to go to sleep, but that just wouldn’t be me now would it.

When is the last time you did laundry? My laundry just got gone last night.

What volume is the ringer on your phone? It’s all the way up. 

Have you ever won a contest on the radio? No.

What shirt did you wear to bed last night? It was my Mario Bros shirt.

Where did you get that shirt? I got it from Hot Topic a couple years ago.

Do you hear any music right now? No, but I hear the ASMR video I’m watching. 

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? I like some of their songs.

Overall, how was your day today? Like I said, it’s only 5 in the morning so it’s too soon to say.

Silver or gold jewelry? I like both.

In one word, how would you describe your best friend? Fabulous.

Is there a song that reminds you of your best friend? There’s many.

Do you have an alarm clock? Yeah, on my phone.

What was the weather like today? It’s supposed to rain today. We haven’t had much rain this winter, in fact it’s been awhile, so I hope it does. Do you often write on yourself? I don’t do that anymore, but I did when I was younger. For some reason that was like a thing a lot of people did to themselves in middle and high school. *shrug*

Is there writing on the shirt you are currently wearing? Yes. It’s a shirt from a place I vacationed at.

Would you rather be cold or hot? Cold, most definitely. I love wrapping up in a blanket, wearing a sweatshirt or hoodie, drinking hot coffee, or sitting by the fireplace. I love the coziness. Being hot is just absolutely miserable, there’s nothing I enjoy about that.

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? I like both.

Do mushrooms really add flavor to food? I don’t eat mushrooms. 

What about onions? Yeah. I don’t mind if there’s some chopped up pieces in some foods and I like onion rings, but I don’t like onions on my burgers or in my burritos or anything like that.

Are you a fan of Thai food? I’ve never had it.

How about Indian food? I had chicken curry once, which I did like. I couldn’t have it now though cause I can’t eat spicy food anymore. :/

Have you ever tried sushi? Yes, and it was absolutely disgusting. I feel like everyone loves sushi but me.

What is the weirdest food you have eaten? I’m super picky, so I don’t think I’ve had anything all that weird. I’m so particular about my food.

Do you know who LL Cool J is? Yes.

You have a pocket full of change - what do you do with it? Put it in my bag.

Guitarists or lead singers? Lead singers.

What does your mom say about the pictures on your Facebook? She’ll like them and leave a nice comment. 

Where are you? In my room on my chair.

do you know your mother’s birthday? Of course.

do you like texting? Over talking on the phone, yeah. I don’t do much texting, though.

would you run down the street naked if it meant earning $15,000? Could it be pitch black and not a single soul in sight??

how do you feel about the person who texted you last? I love him, he’s my dad.

do you own a pair of skinny jeans? All my jeans are skinny jeans. 

what do the majority of people in your life call you? Steph or Sis.

will your next kiss be a mistake? I hope not? Who knows when my next kiss will even be or who it will be with. 

has a book ever made you cry? Yes.

do you like to cuddle? Sure. I don’t have much cuddling experience, though.

do you automatically check your phone when you wake up? I check the time on it.

are your parents still together? Yes.

Are you missing anyone? I’ll always miss my loved ones who have passed away.

What do you currently hear? An ASMR video.

Plans for tomorrow? No. I’m so sick of this question, it’s like in every survey and my answer is always the same. My life is very routine. I spend all my time at home doing the same things, especially since the pandemic. My plans now just consist of my once a month doctor appointment that I have to go to in order to get my prescription refills. 

What did you eat for lunch today? Like I mentioned a couple times now it’s only 5 in the morning.

Sex ruins relationships, right? No? It can, but that’s not a general statement. 

Where do you want to live when you’re older? My dream would be to live near the beach.

Is your life falling apart or coming together? It’s been falling apart for the past few years.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? No, I didn’t even go to bed until like 6ish.

What color is your hair? It’s dark brown naturally, but I dye it red. Currently, it is a lot of my natural hair cause my roots are quite overgrown as it’s been almost a year since I last got it done. Sigh.

Are you spending the weekend with the last person you texted? Yeah, we live together.

Do you trip a lot? No.

If someone paid you $100 would you dance in the middle of times square? No.

Do you have anyone you fully trust? Yes.

What kind of pants did you wear today? I live in leggings, that’s all I wear.

How old is your television? About two years old.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? I have a laptop.

When did you last talk on the phone with someone? A couple days ago.

Are you currently sleepy? Yes.

Have you ever deleted Facebook friends for a significant other? No. I’ve never even been in the situation where a significant other asked or wanted me to do that.

Have you ever had bad trust issues with someone? Yes.

What accent do you think is the most attractive? British and southern accents.

Are you hot or cold natured? Hot, unfortunately. 

Do you own any television series box sets? I have I Love Lucy and The Dick Van Dyke Show boxsets.

Have you ever been in a fight with your best friend? Yes.

When did you last receive a hug and who was it from? A couple days ago from my mom.

Do you take any advanced classes? I’m done with school.

What is your lucky number? I don’t believe in luck, but my favorite number is 8.

Do you own a book bag? If so, what color is it? No.

Was the last movie you watched a horror film? Nope.

Do you own a lot of tee shirts? Yes. My wardrobe consists of a shit ton of graphic tees.

Do you plan your outfits ahead of time? No.

Have you ever spent the night in jail? No.

Are you a colorful person or quite bland? Bland. Well, except for my hair that I dye like a cherry red. 

List one word to describe your significant other? Nonexistent.

Have you ever been so nervous you threw up? No, but definitely felt nauseous and sick and like I could throw up.

Do you remember the first survey you took? Uh, definitely not. I’ve been taking surveys since like 2004/2005.

How many friends do you have on Facebook? 100 and something. *shrug*

Have you ever watched fight videos for amusement? No. I don’t find stuff like that amusing or entertaining at all.

In high school, were you in trouble a lot? I was never in trouble in school.

Do you enjoy your hairstyle? No. I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything with it besides throw it up in a messy bun all the time.

Do you have long hair or short hair? My hair is long, it goes past my butt. Such a waste that I do nothing with it.

How much make up do you wear on a daily basis? None anymore. I haven’t worn makeup in almost 4 years.

What is your favorite television show? I have many.

Do you have a leather jacket? *Pleather, but yes.

Do you think anyone dislikes you for no reason? They probably have reason.

Do you have any children? Nooo.

Have you ever been interviewed on television before? No.

Do you have weak upper body strength? I used to have really great upper body strength as a paraplegic who only had upper body mobility and uses a manual wheelchair. When I was in school and had a social life, I was active. I didn’t spend all day, everyday in bed or at home all day doing nothing. I had toned arms before. I lost my muscle mass and now I’m weak cause I’m not active at all anymore.

What is the worst insult someone can call you? I don’t know. I say mean, hurtful things to myself all the damn time. My brain plays ‘em on a loop. 

Are you good at sketching? No. I don’t have any artistic abilities, sadly.

Do you think hugs are awkward? Yeah, they can be.

Do you think facial hair is gross? No. I’m not a big fan of a lot of facial hair, though.

Would you ever dye your hair an unnatural color? I dye it red?

What color was the last cup you drank from? It’s a clear glass.

Ever play Angry Birds? Nah, I never got into that.

Did you think it was annoying, like I did? It just didn’t look like my kind of game.

Have you ever been to the zoo before? Yeah, many times.

What instruments do you know how to play? None anymore, but I used to play some piano back in the day. I wish I took it more seriously back then. I wish I had practiced more and kept up with it because I did enjoy it.

How late did you stay up last night? I went to bed around 6ish. And that’s AM if you’re new here.

How late do you plan on staying up tonight? Well, it’s 5:46AM now...

Whose wall did you post on last?  I share stuff to my mom’s wall sometimes.

Have you ever done hard drugs before? No. All I’ve done is weed.

Has anyone ever been weirdly obsessed with you? No.

Do you own a Snuggie? I do. 

What is your favorite band of all time? Linkin Park will always be one of them.

Would you consider getting a tattoo any time soon? Nah.

Are you afraid someone might steal your identity someday? It’s not something I’ve actively thought or worried about.

Are there any paintings on your wall? Yeah, a few giraffe ones and a couple beach ones.

Speaking of which, what color are your walls painted? White.

Do you have any talents that come naturally? No. :( I’m lame.

Do you have any piercings? Just my earlobes.

What is your favorite piece of jewelry? The ones I have with my birthstone on it.

Is there a place you'd rather live right now? Somewhere with colder weather.

Do you change your bed sheets often? Usually just like twice a month.

Do you go out often? lol.

Have you ever had plastic surgery before? No. 

Are you afraid of airplane rides? I get super anxious beforehand, but once up in the air I start to relax a bit and I’m okay. Well, unless there’s a lot of turbulence. 

How many times a day do you brush your teeth? At least once a day.

Do you consider yourself a sensitive person? Very.

What's the best Valentine's Day gift you've gotten? My mom is so sweet and has always gotten me something like candy and a stuffed animal or something, but I’ve never received anything from a guy. 

If you're reading a book, what page are you currently on? I don’t feel like checking.

Do you think people are intimidated by you? Uh, no. I can’t imagine anyone being intimidated by me.

Do you have a job you like? I don’t have a job.

Do you know how to do your own laundry? I have to have help with that. 

Have you ever lived with a roommate before? No.

Do you like candles? There’s a lot of nice smelling ones, but I’m just not a candle person. Give me a room spray instead.

Would you prefer internet or television? Internet.

What is something you lose often? Patience.

Do you have any classes with friends? I’m done with school.

Do you enter a lot of sweepstakes? No. I haven’t entered any kind of contest in a really long time.

What is your favorite possession in your room? I couldn’t possibly choose one thing. I love all my stuff. What will you be doing in the next ten minutes? Finishing this survey, maybe start another, and listen to ASMR.

How old is your oldest sibling? 37.

Do you consider yourself physically active? Not at all. I explained all that in another question.

How many scarves do you own, if any at all? Zero.

Do you have any cuts or scratches as of now? Not that I know of.

Where did you last sleep? My bed, like I always do.

Do you have Netflix? Yep. 

Are you colorblind? No.

Do you know anyone personally who is colorblind? Yeah, my high school chem teacher.

Favorite salad dressing? Ranch. Unless I’m eating a Caesar salad, of course. A vinaigrette is good, too.

Do you enjoy dancing? I don’t do much dancing.

Have you ever considered writing a novel? I actually have thought about it before.

[alzindiana]

Indy resident honors mom’s love of quilting through The Longest Day

Indianapolis resident Dr. Tony Jean Dickerson is raising funds and awareness through The Longest Day in honor of her mother. Below, in her own words, is her touching story.

If you would like to participate in The Longest Day, register at alz.org/TheLongestDay or contact Jennifer Lovell Buddenbaum at jlbuddenbaum@alz.org or 317.587.2208, ext. 1530. 

My mother, Linda Edwards Lee, succumbed to Alzheimer’s on March 1, 2019. She was diagnosed with dementia and simultaneously began dialysis in November of 2010. For most of that time I was her primary caregiver and we lived in Kansas City, MO. There were people who stayed in the home with her during the day, sat at dialysis with her, and just came by the house to provide support. As the disease progressed, I decided to move her back to Indianapolis, IN and closer to my nuclear family in 2017.

When I helped establish a sewing guild the following year, our members honored her through activities that involved her love of quilting. As a cornerstone of our guild, we choose an organization to give back to as part of our social justice and service focus. For 2020, we created a “Forget Me Not” quilt that was designed by Jenny Doan of the Missouri Star Quilt Company in honor of her late mother-in-law who succumbed to Alzheimer’s. The purple flower template was inspired by the Promise Garden flowers featured in the annual Walk to End Alzheimer’s®, which my mother’s grandchildren have participated in several times.

The quilt was created at our Annual Retreat in June 2020, and once completed we partnered with Crimson Tate Quilt Shop to advertise an online raffle benefiting the Alzheimer’s Association. Through a posting on Instagram, I was approached by Jennifer Lovell Buddenbaum, manager of The Longest Day for the Alzheimer’s Association Greater Indiana Chapter, about fundraising through that program. This partnership will garner more exposure for the raffle, thus bringing in more funds for the organization that has taken up the mantle to help eradicate this debilitating disease. I recommend those that can to partner with the Greater Indiana Chapter to participate in “The Longest Day.” The creative parameters in which you can participate are only as limited as your group’s imagination. The personalized activities serve to further honor the life’s work and impact of the people that we love. If you need guidance, Buddenbaum will offer suggestions to help you get started and maximize your fundraising.

Over the years, I shared my journey with my Momma and the impact that dementia and Alzheimer’s had on our lives. Below are several Facebook postings that I shared with family and friends about our journey. One of the last posts was a little less than a year before she died. I cried writing them. I cried again today re-reading them. I miss my Momma. All of her. The part of her that celebrated me in that irrational way that mommas do about their children. I miss her creativity and her sassiness and her decisiveness. I miss her hugs and her kisses and her dancing. But in all that is lost, what is left is my opportunity to honor her; to lift up her example of struggle and triumph so that others can find the same in their situations. In that way she’s still right here. Until we meet again.

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May 12, 2018

Love Letter to my Momma: Each day I try to give my Momma a thousand kisses. Each day I try to sing, "I'll Always Love My Momma" to her. I have worked through years of anger, frustration, pain and hurt about her dementia. I am now at acceptance. My Momma is NOT her dementia. Each day I look for her smile and her "NOWness." I enjoy who she is NOW. I enjoy fighting with Vickie Powell over her affection for us. I enjoy telling her to stop giving all of my kisses to Alnita Lee. I enjoy seeing Kingston knock her over because he wants to be near her. Or Butter and Biskit at her feet waiting for her to drop them some food. I enjoy laughing at how Vanita Powell can't get her to do anything! LOL I enjoy her "Everydayness." I don't take for granted that so many in my circle of family and friends don't have their Momma. I will not live one day of regret later because I didn't spend the time with her now. She is my heartbeat. I love everything about her. Unconditionally. And I know she loves me back. She tells me a thousand times a day. Happy Mother's Day, Momma!

December 3, 2016

This is going to be long. But it's for me anyway....

So my mother has dementia. This means that she is not the same person she was before. She is different. Quite a bit different. We are both different because of it. I think her dementia scares a lot of people. I think it scares a lot of people who love her. She doesn't remember everything and everybody. Hell she doesn't remember my name on a daily basis. She calls me "Momma." Sometimes she calls me "brother." Yesterday she kept calling me "Lee." But most days she says in the most "matter of fact way" I have ever heard, "I love you, Tony." She says it so matter of fact that it quickens my spirit. It's so true. It's so real. When she says it, all of the fear--most of the fear-- that she won't remember me one day goes away. I rest in that truth.

Her grandson William Duncan talks to her 2-3 times a week. She says about the same thing. "When will I see you again?" She doesn't always remember exactly what his name is. Sometimes she calls him "Jim-bo!" I don't know who that is. And Man just laughs. Other times she tells him, "I know who you are." And she knows exactly who he is. And they laugh together, and she asks, "When are you coming to see me again?"

Dementia doesn't follow a "way it is" kinda plan. As soon as she's written off as "Oh! poor thing she has dementia" she astounds us all. The other week my sista-friend Donna and I were reminiscing about family and life. Momma says something like, "Yeah, but we've had really good lives." Donna and I look at each other and celebrate the moment.

When my brother James and my sister-in-law were getting on the road we asked Momma to pray. She was known for her really loooong drawn-out prayers! She didn't pray immediately. We held our breath. Maybe she didn't exactly understand how to do it anymore. As soon as I decided that I would lead the prayer, she began, "Dear Heavenly Father I thank you for my family...." We shouted! Momma was still "there."  

Many don't call her. I have come to believe that it is out of fear. Vickie Powell calls literally everyday. They talk an average of 1.5 minutes. I'm sure that she's afraid, too. But she calls.

Hell, I'm afraid. I see her slipping away. As a matter of fact, "she" has already left the building. If anyone is looking for "that" Linda Lee that used to reside at 3602 Emerson in Indianapolis, IN, she has left the building. But...

The Linda Lee that is kind and loving and funny and witty...yes, even witty (in a really racy sort of way) is still here. She's here. And you're missing out on HER. I am happy that the dementia is kinda acting as a cushion for her. She doesn't lament over who isn't calling her and checking in with her. She doesn't know. I know. And I feel bad that you're missing out.

This thing called dementia has changed my life. In a weird, twisted, odd way I am a better person for it. I once described having to care for her as a "good hard." It is what it is and so much more. Momma has dementia, but she's so much more than just an old woman with dementia. So very much more.

September 24, 2016

So now my Momma is calling me "Momma" almost 100% of the time. Of course my rational mind knows that her dementia is the genesis of this. But my emotional mind is fighting and I keep demanding that she call me Tony. I am fearful that the day she can no longer do that will be the day that I "lose my momma." #grieving

April 13, 2014

Most of you who know and love me know that my Momma has dementia. I have learned so much from this experience. I was at first angry and lost because she is not the mother who raised me. However, I am not exactly the daughter she raised either. I have learned to accept the Tony that has grown to be me based on all of my education, travels, encounters, and experiences. So I have learned to love my "new" Momma. She has taught me patience and "nowness." When she asks me where she's going to sleep tonight, I no longer flinch; I answer her question. When she says "good morning" to me 100 times a day, I say "good morning" back. We go to the movies. She doesn't remember what she has seen five minutes after we leave the theater. Hell, half the time neither do I! She is an expert cook who hasn't boiled an egg in two years. I thank her for cooking me a complete meal: meat, veggies, bread, AND dessert--every day of my life I lived with her before going off to college and years beyond that. I've changed my perspective of things. Just a paradigm shift that continues to give me "peace beyond my understanding." So today's word is "perspective." Some say the cup is half full....my cup runneth over.

[freedom-shamrock]

Subtitled Subtext

Also on AO3 . This is a direct sequel to a Light in Dark Places, and is the @miraculousfluffmonth  Aug 1 prompt, blush.

Marinette felt the heat in her cheeks as she sat next to Adrien with her cupcake.  Stupid supermodel had licked frosting off her cheek.  Frosting he'd put there.  She couldn't be mad, and she wasn't really embarrassed, but the action had ambushed her with feelings she wasn't quite prepared for.  On one hand, she was pretty sure he knew full well what he'd done, and that it had been fully thought through.  Adrien Agreste wasn't allowed to be impulsive.  On the other, he'd been home-schooled until nearly three years ago, and there were times that rules of social engagement failed him.

"So what was the news' impression on the weather?" Adrien asked.  "Akuma or freak act of nature?"  He ran his tongue around the outer edge of his cupcake, licking off some of the absurd quantity of frosting he'd applied to it.  Marinette looked away and swallowed hard, her face going hotter.  

Alya grumbled.  "Just weather.  They even had all sorts of good sciencey explanations for it."

Nino laughed.  "She was so disappointed.  Me, I'm all for not running around out in that."  He gestured to a window looking out on the dark street.  Streetlights were on, and visibility was severely impaired by the heavy rainfall.

"Yeah," Adrien agreed.  "Please don't go out in that.  I like you guys."

"You want to watch a movie or play a game or something?" Marinette suggested.

"No games," Alya said firmly.  "You two are too good; it's no fun."

"I vote movie, too," Nino said.

"Are any of you watching Ice Fantasy?" Adrien asked eagerly.

"Is it anime?" Alya asked.  Though she was a huge fan of comics, she'd proven very selective of her Japanese animation.  "I've never heard of it."

"Not anime," Adrien assured her.

"Is this that Chinese show you've been squealing over lately?" Nino asked.

"There are subtitles!" Adrien insisted before launching into his justifications.  "It's got strong female characters."  He glanced at Alya and Marinette, smiling and raising his eyebrows.  "It's got amazing fight sequences.  The music is this really neat mix of traditional Chinese and C-pop..  And…"  He beamed at Marinette.  "The costumes, Mari.  You'd love them.  They're so gorgeous."

Marinette couldn't help but laugh.  "I'm game, if it's okay with everyone else.  Going to need those subtitles, though."

While Adrien and Nino pulled the show up on the television's computer, Alya helped Marinette get popcorn and juice.  They'd been hanging around Adrien long enough to know he'd feel guilty later about all the snacks, so they had switched to something healthier than soda a few months back.

Once things were all set up, Marinette found herself sitting on one end of the couch, next to Adrien.  He smiled happily at her when she took her place, his cheeks looking just a touch pinker than normal.  Was that a blush?  No way.  Adrien did not blush.  She pushed the distraction aside as the first episode started.  Between ogling the costumes, which Adrien was totally right about, and keeping up on the subtitles, she was fully absorbed in the show.  She was vaguely aware of her parents coming upstairs, of her mother asking who was staying for dinner.  There were responses, but she didn't pay much attention to them.

When the second episode had ended, Adrien tapped the remote to stop the streaming.  It was only then that Marinette realized the rain had dropped to a sprinkle.  "So what did you think?" he asked, looking at his friends and Marinette's parents who had taken up residence on some stools from the kitchen.

"It's lovely, Adrien," her mother said.  "How did you come across it?"

"My Mandarin tutor recommended it," he explained.  "He said that watching Chinese TV is going to do more for my vocabulary at this point than just talking with him."

Marinette blinked a few times, her gaze pointed up at him.  "Wow.  That was really good.  Though, now I'm going to need to watch the rest."

"I hate to break up the party, but I have to head out," Alya said, getting up from the couch.  "I need to get dinner started for my mom."

"I'm on my way, too," Nino said quickly.  He gave Adrien a look that could only be described as significant.

Adrien was definitely blushing now.  "Yeah, yeah."  He made a shooing motion that didn't seem to have anything to do with Nino's statement.  "My ride should be here soon."  He held up his cell phone, indicating he'd been sent a text about it.  He pushed himself up.  "I'll walk down with you guys."

"You want company while you wait?" Marinette asked.  

"Yes," Alya answered for him.  "He does."

"It would be nice to talk to you a bit more," Adrien said, doing his best to ignore Alya, but his cheeks were somehow beyond pink now.  "Maybe we can figure out when we can watch some more of Ice Fantasy?"

"That'd be great."  Marinette nodded.  "I'll be back in a few minutes to help with dinner," she told her parents.

"No rush," her father said calmly.  "Be a good hostess for now."

Alya and Nino had raced down the stairs, and were shouting farewells over their shoulders by the time Marinette got there.  "Well they're not being weird or anything," she muttered.  "Do they have a date or something?"

Adrien shook his head and resettled his messenger bag on his shoulder.  "Umm… I think they're giving us space."  He fiddled with his ring.

Marinette caught his hand.  "Space?  Is everything okay?"  

His blush had started to fade, but her questions appeared to reignite it.  He nodded.

Was something wrong?  Did he have big news or, worse yet, bad news?  He sometimes had to travel for weeks at a time.  "Did you… is there something you want to tell me?"

God he was adorable with that much red in his cheeks.  And his ears!  He blushed to the tips of his ears.  "Yeah."  He squeezed her fingers, but didn't let go as she half expected.  "You… you're amazing, Mari.  You know that, right?"

Oh dear.  He was bringing her right into his festival of pink cheeks.  "Thanks."

"I mean it," he insisted.  "You're crazy talented, and you know how to do so much.  You're brave, and supportive, and you're super pretty."

"Oh!" she managed to gasp before her voice stopped working.  Was he doing what she thought he was?

"And… I really like you," he said with a nervous smile that never showed up in his modeling portfolio.

"I like you too," she managed to blurt out, though her voice sounded thin and reedy.

He shook his head a little.  "I… don't just mean as a friend."

"Me either… er… me too."  No no no.  She didn't want to return to the stuttering mess she used to be.

His smile was amazing, like a happy ray of sunshine.  "Really?"  He seemed genuinely surprised.  "Um… so, would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?  We could do dinner and a walk by the river… or... is that too cliche?  I have no idea what I'm doing."  He bit his lip and rolled his eyes.  

Marinette tightened her grip on his hand, not minding the tint in her cheeks anymore.  "No… I mean, it's not too cliche.  It would be wonderful.  I'd love to."

Next in series > Refreshing Reality 

30 minute speed write

[ellana-ravenwood]

Fate is a bitch - Bruce Wayne x Reader

Warning : I was drunk when I wrote this, just coming back from a friend place...I drunk two beers, and that’s enough for me to get drunk, how weak am I right ? It’s because I never drink...Anyway, that’s why this fic is shittier than usually blahblahblah it’s all fun and game until blahblahblah I thought about not writing this and posting it, but then I promised two stories for tonight so still did it and I’m an idiot yes thank you very much. Look how great Bruce looks down there. Damn hottie. DAAAAAAMN HOTTIE. 

Decided to group two requests, because the two together inspired me. So here for a shy reader, newly a Justice League member, intimidated by the Bat. As usual, feedbacks are very welcome, hope you’ll like it :

PART TWO  

My master list blog : @ella-ravenwood-archives

________________________________________________ 

Destiny. 

You strongly believed in Destiny. 

No matter what people could say, how many arguments against it they had, and how much they were sceptic about it...it wouldn’t change your mind. You strongly believed in Destiny.

Because it was impossible only coincidences brought you were you were now...in the Justice League’s headquarters ! 

It wasn’t a coincidence that your path crossed Billy Batson’s, aka Shazam, one of the most powerful superhero in the World (though he was barely ten years old), and that you ended up adopting him.

It wasn’t a coincidence that you so happen to be a meta-human too, being able to manipulate the four elements. 

It wasn’t a coincidence that your son got noticed by the Justice League, nor was it a coincidence either that soon, the leaguers discovered he was only a ten year old boy in the body of a grown ass man (when he used his powers) and therefor, discovered that he had a mom...you. Who almost grilled Superman because you thought he wanted to hurt your boy. 

You believe strongly in Destiny, because hell, if all those chain of events were just coincidental, then wow...It just didn’t make sense. It was just too good to be true you know ? From your first meeting with four years old Billy to now, sitting in the League’s headquarter, in fucking Space ! 

The first one you met was Batman, and damn that guy was intimidating...But when he spoke to you, and when he congratulated you to have raised such a good boy as Billy, something weird happened in your heart. 

At first, you pegged it for a stupid teenage like crush. Like the slight infatuation you’d have on the most popular boy in school, or on a teacher, knowing damn well you’d never have a chance with them. But then...Then it was more than that. The more you saw and talked to him, the more you had...feelings stirring in your belly and such. 

Destiny. You strongly believed in it. 

So, when you started to fall for the Bat, you decided it was also Destiny...Only, sometimes fate could be a bitch, and would destin you to be a sad miserable human being. Because there was absolutely NO chance that you’d ever get with a guy like Batman, he was way out of your league. 

****************

The first thing that made you like him, was the way he defended your son against the other Leaguers. They wanted him out of the league because he was but a ten year old child but...He already proved he was capable of handling himself, and even more importantly, of saving a lot of lives ! So what was the big deal ? 

Batman was the only one defending your son, and he was also the only one that needed to, as he convinced everyone. When you thanked him, he just told you it was normal, there wasn’t anything to thank him for. 

The second thing that made you slowly fall in love with him, was the way he seemed genuinely worried about everyone’s well being. Some of the Leaguers thought he was an emotionless man, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Whenever someone was hurt, he took it as a personal mistake. He threw himself in front of people to save them more times than you could count. He always made sure everyone was alright, even if it meant him not being ok...He was the most compassionate man you ever met. And he was really only a man. No powers. How impressive was that ? 

The third thing that drove you crazy, and you felt a bit vain for that but, oh well, whatever...was his body. His body was ridiculous. The dude worked out a lot. And his voice, oh god his voice (when he didn’t have the modulator on), it was amazing. Deep and soft at the same time. 

The fourth thing that made you want to crash your lips on his was...as oddly as it sounded, his conversation. He was the first one to talk to you when you arrived in the League, and he made sure you felt comfortable. He made sure the look other leaguers gave you (after all, you were letting your ten year old child roamed Earth and Space freely...but Hell, that kid was one of the most powerful being in the universe, if he could save life, shouldn’t he do it ?!) didn’t make you feel bad...Besides, he too let his children, quite young, out int he street to fight crime. He understood. The conversation always flooded so well between the two of you, it was almost crazy. You knew it was in your head, but you felt like a special connection was being webbed between the two of you...After all, it seemed you were the only one he really talked to like that. But no. That was probably in your head.

The fifth...Oh forget it. There was so many reasons you slowly started to fall for the Batman, that listing them all would take ages. He was everything you liked in a guy. Even his broody and aloof side was appealing to you. Because just like him, you were highly introverted, and sometimes, you just needed to be alone...so far, everyone you ever dated did not understand that, and whenever you asked for some “alone time”, they took it the wrong way and ended up resenting you, and therefor, breaking up with you...

Besides, it wasn’t easy to find someone as a single mother...But; didn’t Batman had like, ten children or something ? Maybe he’d understand...You shook your head. You needed to STOP thinking about him. You had absolutely no chance. It was quite clear that he did not want a relationship. 

Still, sometimes, you found yourself just staring at him when you knew he wasn’t looking, and thinking about how it could be, to date him...Billy was getting along pretty well with Damian...

But there was no way in hell that you'd ever be brave enough to make a move, the man was too damn intimidating. Even sometimes when you two spoke, even if the subject was light or silly, he would still keep his composure and his stoic tone and...Well. Yes. Intimidating was a great word to describe his overall behavior. 

*******************

-Say, mom. You have a thing for older guys, right ?

-I totally have a thing for older guys. And it’s not an appropriate subject to talk with my ten year old son. 

-No but, hear me out ok ? Besides, I’m in my adult form right now, which makes it ok right ? 

You had to give it to your boy, his logic was flawless. Well, almost flawless, because even if he looked like he was in his thirties, you knew he was way younger...But you’d hear him out, because it was always interesting to hear him talk about what he was thinking and all. He always had rather...interesting and special inputs on life. So you turned to him, and, going on your tip-toes to ruffle his hair (seriously, you hated his adult form), you nodded for him to continue. 

-Well, Damian...you know Damian, Robin. Batman’s son. Yeah you know right ? Ok cool. Well Damian and I were talking about how you and his dad were getting along so well ok ?

You blushed. What ? If ten year old boys picked up on it then...You shook your head. No. Batman wouldn’t waste his time on this kind of thoughts. 

-Where are you going with this Billy ? 

-Well, Batman is quite older than you. From what Damian said, he’s about twelve years older so...You dig him right ? 

-...This isn’t how it works my boy. 

-But, you like older guys ? 

-I do. 

-So you like Batman ! 

-I don’t like every men that are older than me !

-Oh ? 

-No Billy. What the Hell ? 

-So...You don’t like Batman. 

-No, I do like him. 

-Really ! That’s great because...

-...As a friend ! I like him as a Friend ! Hell, I don’t even know who he is in real life. 

-Yes you do, I bet you figured it out. 

-Maybe. 

-You know it’s Bruce Wayne don’t you ? 

-What if I do ?

-Mom, you can fool a lot of people but not me. I know you’re smarter than you let people think, because you love when people underestimate you and all of a sudden they’re impressed because you’re way better than they thought you were. 

-...What are you, my shrink or something ? 

-My point is. You know who he is, he’s older, you think he’s hot...

-Wow wow wow, I never said I thought he was hot ! 

-Mom, I heard you whispering it to yourself that time he came back wounded and had to take his chest armor off. 

-Oh...You sneaky bastard.

-I’m pretty sure that’s not how you’re suppose to speak to your own son...

-It’s how I’m suppose to speak to my snake of a son who always get up in my business ! Curiosity killed he cat Billy ! 

-Well I’m not a cat so it doesn’t matter ! 

-I don’t even understand where you wanna go with all this ! 

-I was just wondering if you liked Batman ! 

-I do ! As a friend. And...? 

-You do ? 

-I do ! 

-Great, because him and Damian invited us over for dinner tomorrow night !

-WHAT ?! 

-I already said yes. Now we have to go. We’re totally going to try to set you two up with Dams by the way, so be ready. Don’t blush too much alright ? 

-....You little...

-I’m recording you right now mom, if you insult me I’ll call social services. 

-You think you’re funny don’t you ? 

-DAMN HILARIOUS ! 

Ignoring your heart racing like crazy just at the thought of going to have dinner at Bruce Wayne’s house, you grab your son (still in his grown ass man form) and tackle him down, tickling him mercilessly...Of course, because he’s so much bigger than you, it ends with a bloody nose for you, and a very sorry kiddo that order take out from your favorite restaurant, and puts on your favorite film. 

Oh that kid knew you too well. 

******************

Destiny. 

You strongly believed in Destiny. 

But sometimes, fate could be a bitch, and right now, your son’s hand (a child once again) in yours, you could have punch it if it was a person. 

Oh god, you’d punch fate in the face so much. 

Fuck you fate, why did you have to be such a bitch ? Why did you have to drag (Y/N) all the way in front of the house of the guy she had a massive crush on but knew she’d never have a chance with ? WHY ?

You were pondering all of that yourself, when an older man open the door of the massive Wayne Manor (you felt so ridiculous, coming here with your old shitty cars that was such a wreck that most of it was held by duck tape). 

-Good evening, I am Alfred Pennyworth, Mr. Wayne’s butler. I suppose you are Lady (Y/L/N), young mister Billy’s mother ? 

-Yes. Hum...Nice to...meet you...Sorry I don’t know the protocol to...

-Oh do not worry Lady (Y/L/N), no protocol between us. You can call me Alfred, they all do. Now if you would please follow me. Oh by the way young mister Billy, thank you for the birthday card, Master Damian gave it to me, it was very...inventive. 

-Thanks ! I knew you’d like the dragons ! 

You took a look at your son, and how excited he was (lately, he spent A LOT of times in the Wayne Manor, with Damian and Jon, Superman’s son), and at Alfred, who smiled warmly to himself...You were so proud to have a kid as nice as your Billy. Wherever he went, you always had compliment about his behavior...You had absolutely no idea how he became such a respectable young boy, when you spent most of your time swearing like a sailor and all...But it was great. 

***********************

You rarely saw the bat without his cowl, but hot damn. You recognized his square jaw and lips that looked so damn kissable and...his eyes were wonderful. So blue. And he had amazing jet black hair, combed thoroughly. 

He was waiting with his sons in the dining room, and jumped up his chair (while his sons were snickering at him) when you and Billy came in. 

-(Y/N) ! Hi. I...I...What are you doing here ? 

Oh God. That was awkward. 

-Hum...My son he...Said...your son and you invited us for dinner ? 

-Oh...yeah...We did...I just thought...I just thought only Billy would come, for some reasons. 

-I’m sorry. If I’m intruding I can go, I...

-Oh no no no. Sorry to be so rude, it’s just ...A surprised. A pleasant one. 

He smiles at you, and it seems like a genuine smile, not the fake one he sometimes give his fellow leaguers, or the half-smirk he has often. It troubles you...because damn why do you like that guy so much ? 

He smiles at you but...Oh the entire dinner is awkward. Fortunately, Bruce’s older sons ask you a lot of questions, and talk to you, because Bruce do not utter another word  after he said it was pleasant for you to be here. What the hell right ? But what did you expect ? He was always like that. He rarely made connection, and wasn’t even expecting you to be here. It’s not because he talks to you when you’re on a job that he’d want to see you in his every day life...

He just doesn’t speak. Sometimes, he stares at you for a while, or peaks up from his plate when he thinks you’re not looking. He keeps glaring at his youngest son, and the way Dick, Jason and Tim look at him curiously is...Weird. Damian keeps making innuendos about how you and Bruce are very much like each other and...

He leaves before dessert, and the sorry look your son gives you is enough for you to elect yourself as the “biggest looser of the year”. If even a ten year old boy pitted you, well hell, that was something...

You knew it anyway. You didn’t expect much of the dinner (that was a lie, you had an entire scenario ready in your life, ending up with you and Bruce sneaking out in the garden to make out...). Batman was...a colleague. That was nice enough to let you into his own personal home. Granted, it was because your son was a very good friend of his but...Yeah. You don’t know what you were expecting really. 

Bruce Wayne was way out of your league.

********************

You don’t go up in the Justice League headquarters for the next two months. You don’t want to see Batman, not before you’re over him. Not before you stop crushing on him...And you realize that it’s not just a crush. You’re in love. Fuck. 

********************

Your son tells you Batman is asking after you, but you can’t trust the boy. Him and Damian are getting so well along, that they both decided to set you up together...but so far, their attempt was a big failure. It ended up with either Bruce just leaving without a word, off to go things that were actually important, or you making a fool out of yourself. 

*********************

As you’re saving the World with the League for the hundredth time, Clark corners you to ask you what was going on, why you weren’t coming up anymore...and if it was Bruce’s fault. 

You tell him you’re fine, you’re just not a fan of space. And it’s not Bruce’s fault, why would it be ? You don’t like the look Superman is giving you, and you remind yourself of talking to Billy when getting home, because you’re pretty sure your son is spreading some rumors about you and the Bat. 

*******************

You don’t make it home that day. Distracted by thoughts of Bruce and your unexplainable strong attraction to him, even though you know you have no chance, you don’t notice the enemy...You hear your son’s manly voice (powered up, adult form) as you feel an unbearable pain in your chest. What is that thing sticking out of between your boobs ? Did...Did something just pierced your body ? You feel someone’s strong arms catching you before you fall to the floor, and everything goes dark. 

*******************

When you wake up, your boy is sleeping in your bed, next to you, curled up against your side...and it looks kinda weird because he’s in his adult form.

But he’s not alone in the room. In a chair at the foot of your bed, Damian is sleeping tightly too, a blanket with batman symbols on it over him. 

And...Next to you, on a hospital chair, is Bruce. 

What...What was he doing here ? 

You stir in your bed, trying to sit up. It doesn’t even wake Billy up, damn your boy must be exhausted. Damian doesn’t budge either...It wakes Bruce up however, and when his eyes meet yours, his harsh features soften, his creased eye brows rise in relief, and a small smile tug at his lips. 

-You’re awake. 

He says weakly, clearly lacking sleep too. 

-I am. 

Your voice is hoarse, and dry, and it hurts when you speak. 

-What...What happened ? 

-You got stabbed. By a sword. A very big sword. You’re lucky to be alive. 

-...When ?

-You don’t remember ? 

-I’m not sure...

-Almost three months ago. 

-I’ve been out for three months ?!

You try not to raise your voice, as to not wake the kids but...three months ? 

-Yes. You scared your boy. 

You look at Billy tenderly, and push away some strand of his hair out of his face.

-Poor kid...He already went through a lot...I take it, if you’re here, it’s because you took care of him ? 

-Yes. He’s...him and Jon are Damian’s best friends. I couldn’t leave him alone. 

-Thank you. Really Bru...Batman, thank you. 

-We might be in the hospital wing of the League’s headquarter, but as you can see, i’m not wearing my costume. So please, call me Bruce. 

-Thanks Bruce. 

-You’re very welcome. You’d do the same for me. 

-Of course. 

An awkward silence ensue...It’s nice that he took care of your son, but you kinda want him to leave, because it’s...it’s just too painful. Seeing him here makes you hope he’s not there just because of your son, and hoping is bad. You learned that the hard way. 

None of your relationship ever ended well. You were unlucky in love. Fate was a bitch on the matter, you learned to accept it...but if Bruce was there...You just wished he’d leave. 

He was looking at you intensely, and it made you shiver. He probably didn’t mean it, but right now, you found him more intimidating than ever. 

-Well...You...You can go now. I’m ok. A bit groggy but, ok. I can take care of him. 

-I’m sure you can but...If you don’t mind, I’ll stay. 

-I do mind actually. 

You speak before you can think, and immediately regret it. Especially since Bruce, for a fraction of second, looked hurt by your reaction. 

-I mean...I’m ok. You can just...Go on with your activities. 

-It’s the middle of the day. I often work just at nights. 

-I bet you have plenty of things to do though. 

-But this is more important. 

-Stop it please. Just stop it. 

-What ? What did I do ? 

-You...you...Just go. 

-Why ?

-Leave.

-I won’t go until you tell me why. 

It was weird, having an argument with someone while you could only whisper (again, not wanting to wake up the boys). And...What was he doing ? Why wouldn’t he just leave ? 

-I don’t have to tell you why. 

-Then I won’t go.

-You’re infuriating Bruce. 

-Does it have something to do with you not coming up the space station those last six months ?

-What ?

-I couldn’t help but notice your absence. Usually, like me, you’d be up there almost every day. 

-Well, sorry to have a life...Wait, no, that sounded rude...Please just leave. 

-Again, not until you tell me why. 

-Stubborn bastard. 

-You couldn’t be more correct my dear. 

The way he calls you “dear” makes your heart flutter...but you know it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a way of speaking. You make one last attempt at driving him away, because you’re not sure you can handle much more of this : 

-Bruce. I beg you. Just leave me alone. 

-I will, promise. I’d even never cross your pass ever again if you wish, and apparently, you wish to...Like, I can't help but think I’m the reason you don’t come up here anymore. So please, tell me what I did wrong. 

-You didn’t do anything wrong. 

-Then why do you want me to leave ?

-Alright ! Fine. You wanna know why ? Here’s why : For some reason, I’m attracted to you. I don’t know why I instantly felt drawn to you, but I did. I’m attracted to you in so many ways. And yes, I didn’t come up in the space station for a while because I was avoiding you, because I know you’re not interested, it’s not your thing, and especially not with me. So please, leave, because...because I’m...I’m in love with you. And seeing you here gives me false hope. Please. Just go. Because I know there’s no way you love me, or even like me...Right ?

You hate the fact that there’s hints of hope in your voice...You feel pathetic.

Especially since Bruce looks at you, his face emotionless...Or almost. Because, aren’t the corner of his mouth trying not to twitch up right now ? 

-I’m sorry to tell you that but...

Your heart stop. Of course. Of course you’d have no chance. He was about to break your heart, right there, right now. 

-You are extremely dense.

You’re stunned. Dense ? That’s...That’s not what you were expecting.

“Dense”. How rude.

-What a...shitty way of rejecting someone.

-Who says I’m rejecting you ?

-..You’re not ? 

-I’m not. 

-...Why ?

-Because for some reason, I’m attracted to you too. Except that I know why. It’s because you’re passionate, compassionate, the way you raise your son is amazing and impressive, he’s really a nice young man. You’re beautiful too, hope it doesn’t sound too vain of me to say so. When you’re around, my..uh..I’m not good with words, but basically, my heart races, and I can’t stop it. I tried. But I can’t. And it’s not that relationship do not interest me, it’s just...I don’t always have time for them, and I never met anyone who understood that. But you do. We often talked about that. The truth is, I’m tired of being alone. Of having no one to understand me, confort me...To listen to my cheesy declaration of love. Sorry for the cheesiness by the way. And besides, Damian...Damian actually convinced me to confront you about all of this, he’s the reason I’ve been pushing you right now to tell me why you wanted me to leave. He thinks...He thinks we’d be a good match.

-Smart boy. 

-I thought so too.

Natural. That’s how it feels between the two of you. Just...natural. As if you were handmade for each others. It’s very weird and confusing. But sometimes, weird and confusing is good.

-After, I’ll tell you why I fell in love with you. But right now, I’m just gonna kiss you alright ? 

-I’m good with that. Just...I love you too (Y/N). 

It was all so casual. All so normal. As if you two told each other a million times before that you loved each other, as if you were already an old couple. As if...As if it was Destiny for the two of you to end up together. As if from the moment you found a four year old Billy down the metro station, it was all written somewhere that you’d end up here. In Bruce Wayne’s arms. With his tongue in your mouth and your arms around his neck. 

You always strongly believed in destiny...There was just no way all the things that happened in your life to lead you here were just coincidences, you...A very manly and excited voice suddenly yelled, from the corner of the room : 

-YES ! NOW I’M REALLY A BAT-SON ! Haha, get it, cause my last name is Batson ? 

-It’s not funny if you explain it Billy...

You and Bruce turned around to be faced by both your young sons (one of whom was in his adult form, and was...dancing a happiness dance ?) The fit of laughter that took over you two was legendary. 

PS : Next time I write something drunk, please, tell me to fuck off. BECAUSE THIS IS TERRIBLE ! Tomorrow, I’m gonna read it and be like : “Wow what, why did I write that ?” and erase everything. Maybe rewriting it someday. OH MY GOD SHIT.

[purplesurveys]

587

Which is harder - walking in the snow or sand? I haven’t walked in snow, so I can’t give you a credible answer to this. Walking on sand can definitely be a struggle though. Do you like sour candy? Some types of sour tape is fine, but I mostly hate anything sour and that includes candy. If anyone, who did you sit with at lunch today? I had lunch with my mom, sister, and brother. We ate at our favorite childhood Chinese restaurant, so it was quite the throwback :) What is the last letter of your favorite song? I don’t have an all-time favorite song, but a good runner-up I can think of ends in the letter D. Have you gotten any injuries lately? If so, what and how? I have an unattractive wound/discoloration at the bottom of my left middle finger from scratching it. I don’t know where it came from and how it got to be so itchy, but yeah it’s a little red-purplish right now.

Are you a clumsy person? I used to be very clumsy, in fact I was known as the neighborhood’s lampa (a Filipino word to refer to someone who trips all the time) when we kids used to play outside. Nowadays I’m a little more coordinated, thankfully. How about disorganized? I’m messy-organized. I tend to keep things a mess but I know where everything is, so I don’t know where I fall under, haha. Have you ever thought about being a pirate? No, not really. Pirates in kid’s movies are usually portrayed as the bad guys or generally mischievous or intimidating, so they weren’t really something I aspired to be.

If you text, who were the last three people you texted? Gabie, my mom, and Angela. Does today's date mean anything to you? Not really. I do remember how November 20-24 used to be the usual dates for my grade/high school’s fair in the past (before they moved it to the first weekend of January), so that’s the most significant thing I remember about this date. How are you currently feeling? I’m feeling...whatever. I’m a little hungry, irritated at myself still for missing a deadline (see previous survey), and there’s the usual sadness I get on Sundays. Last male you talked to in person? The barista who took my order at Starbucks earlier. Have you ever had a sunburn? I used to get them often as a kid. I don’t know what happened but I never get them anymore. Do you use Firefox or Internet Explorer? I use neither. Internet Explorer did use to be my default browser back in like, 2008. I never used Firefox. Are you thinking about asking anyone out? If you asked me this question three years ago, I would have said yes haha. Pink lemonade or regular lemonade? Regular. I’ve never tried the pink kind. Chocolate or strawberry milk? Chocolate! Does it annoy you when people answer surveys with "idk"? I mean no, survey answers aren’t supposed to be annoying, but I do read people’s surveys a lot and one-word answers really leave me hanging :(((((( As someone who genuinely loves reading everyone’s entries, it can be a real cliffhanger. What is the current time? It is 9:32 PM. Should you be doing something other than this? Yes but do not remind me, it’s the weekend and I want to relax on my weekend. When is the last time you did laundry? I don’t take charge of the laundry at home. What volume is the ringer on your phone? It’s in the middle now that I checked. Have you ever won a contest on the radio? Not on the radio, but from a TV channel. Their social media handle held an essay contest about wrestling, and I was one of the winners of WWE t-shirts :D What shirt did you wear to bed last night? The same one I went out with, a green sleeve top with a floral design. I was way too sleepy to change to my sleeping clothes :( Where did you get that shirt? I got it in Landmark. Do you hear any music right now? Yep, one of the rare instances I’m listening to music while taking a survey. It’s Sunday and I’m sad, I gotta have that background music to keep me company. Don’t Panic! by All Time Low is currently playing. Who did you last talk to on the phone? Gabs, as always. Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? Never really was. Overall, how was your day today? It was good! We had a good lunch and my mom, sister, and brother dropped me off at Starbucks so they could do their Christmas shopping (I don’t like doing that kind of stuff with a bunch of people so I didn’t tag along), and I always like spending time alone in a coffee shop. Only downside is the Starbucks was kinda crowded, and this teenage boy was all up in my personal space in the communal couch. It was so claustrophobic, I had to move to another seat :/ I’ve taken to not doing work during the weekends, so the rest of the day has been a bit relaxing for me too. Silver or gold jewelry? Silver. In one word, how would you describe your best friend? Gab is ambitious; Angela is generous. Is there a song that reminds you of your best friend? Every indie song reminds me of my girlfriend; and every The Maine song reminds me of Anj haha. Do you have an alarm clock? No; my cellphone is my alarm. What was the weather like today? So satisfyingly chilly even if the sun was out. Wish it was like this all year - I found myself needing a jacket for most of the day. Do you often write on yourself? I used to back in high school – I’d write the list of homework on my palm. The habit mysteriously disappeared as soon as I got to college. Is there writing on the shirt you are currently wearing? Nopes, it’s all blank. Would you rather be cold or hot? Cold Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? I haven’t tried either. Do mushrooms really add flavor to food? For me, not really. But I like their taste and texture nonetheless, and don’t mind eating them. What about onions? Yes. Are you a fan of Thai food? YESSSSS How about Indian food? YUP. Literally my top two cuisines.  Have you ever tried sushi? Of course. I didn’t start liking them till I was around 14 or 15, though. What is the weirdest food you have eaten? My mom makes a lot of omelet variations that may be weird for others.

In your opinion, who would be the best president? In our case, it’s a local mayor from Metro Manila who does his job better than literally everybody else in politics. Do you know who LL Cool J is? Yeah, but only because WWE gets him as a celebrity host for Wrestlemania almost every year that it’s honestly super tiring seeing his face anymore lol. You have a pocket full of change - what do you do with it? Get street food in campus! Guitarists or lead singers? No preference. & some lyrics to end this survey? “If she wants to dance and drink all night, there’s no one that can stop her.” Thrash Unreal, Against Me!