#2) new moon (bella's depressION)

[thegaymalefatale]

Current moods:

[fortunatelychaoticphantom]

After rereading Twilight last year (1, 2), I decided to reread New Moon. Three notes about the first 100 pages:

1. It's fascinating to see Bella's low self esteem in comparison to how absolutely fucking horny she is with Edward. I remembered it as a third book thing that was more about her wanting to have human experiences before becoming a vampire, but like... girl is mad horny from the beginning. I respect that.

2. It's really interesting that throughout the leaving scene what actually broke her, the moment it truly sank in and devastated her, was when she realized Alice wasn't coming back. That was the last thing he said before saying goodbye. I think it ties to her already established depression from the first book and how she just doesn't have any close friends beside Alice, and the fact that it's the finishing blow of the scene really shows in my opinion just how important that relationship on its own was to her. I don't know if the fact that it's like the final slap is meaningful, but there's something beautiful about her losing a friendships being given just as much space and emotional impact (if not maybe more in that moment...) as a romantic relationship.

3. I... am having doubts about the way we've always treated Edward as this unhealthy toxic boyfriend. I don't really know how to express this yet, not even sure I will in the future, but there is such a strong caring vibe coming from him, trying extremely hard to treat her well, within the boundaries and complexity of a fantasy relationship, and it looks like most of the more toxic aspects of the relationship are actually coming from Bella herself instead, specifically centered around her low self-esteem.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Ok, soo I know this could never happen in canon for myriad reasons (singers not being that common, the Volturi existing, Edward only being into Bella due to some perfect storm of conditions...)

But let's say Edward meets a human, falls in love, desires to keep that human a non-vampire, and gets his way so eventually that human dies of old age. How many times could Edward repeat this process before he goes mad? What would Bella think meeting an Edward who's had 1? 2? deceased human flames.

0.

See, he tried this once with Bella, and his plan was to kill himself when she died. So, presumably, upon the death of this human, Edward would show up in Volterra and do what he did in New Moon.

Now, if he did survive and just got more depressed, Bella would find him to be very tragic and that much more romantic as he keeps having these doomed loves of which she is the latest and the greatest. Perhaps she's their reincarnation! Because it's couched in this tragic romance, and they're all safely dead, they're not really a threat to Bella and I don't imagine would register as romantic rivals. Especially not when Edward's all in with her. Tanya and Rosalie are far more pressing, far more real threats.

[first-edition]

Letter

So many of you wanted a part 2 to lyrics so here you go I now grace upon you. Let me know if you want a taglist for all my works?

Mafia boss!bucky x singer!reader

Sum- you and Bucky had been together for 3 years before he left, he had even put a ring on your finger. You never knew why he left but it broke you to peices. But know you allow him to give you a reason as to why he left and it’s up to you to choose to forgive him or not.

Cw- mention of breakup, mention of depression (Bella new moon style), blood, alcohol, spicy scene (if you squint), gunshot wound, angst, fear of death.

Go read part 1 ‘LYRICS’ HERE

This is part 2

Part three ‘LOVE’ HERE

Bucky left. He left you alone. He left you with 2 million dollars in you bank account, two cars, a penthouse, a California king in a master bedroom, a ring on your finger. The ring that came with the promise, that he would never leave you.

Three nights ago he came to the club you sing at you confronted him in the parking lot. You got home later to find a letter on you kitchen counter the housekeeper had left. You sigh thinking it’s her asking to take a day off which your more than happy to let her. But the handwriting in your name looks all too familiar.

The scribble of cursive and the bright wax seal, which you break open and pull the folded peices of paper out.

‘I meant to place this letter at the table you now stand at but it wouldn’t have been safe…’

You read the smaller paper then get to the large one.

‘Doll, I can’t come back to you, I can’t guarantee your safety In this condition. I can’t give an explanation and I can’t give a valid reason. I won’t be coming back. I’ve left you 2 million dollar in your personal account as well a given you my trust fund which you can access at anytime. I leave you the silver Bugatti and black Lamborghini, I want you to stay in the penthouse as I’ve already sold your apartment’

You scoff remembering.

‘I leave you rumlow, Pearce, Marcos, and Lee to walks over you I may be gone but I still want you safe. You y/n l/n are my everything. I wish I could tell you why I’m leaving an explanation but I know if I do you’ll go looking for me. You’ll go looking for me either way. Please stay out of it. I’m sorry for the pain I’ll cause you and I’m sorry. I hold so much of you and you so little of me.

I love you and always will but this is goodbye.

J.B.B’

Even then he couldn’t tell you why. But memories of what happend after you woke up and waited for him. You’d gone about your day thinking he had left earlier for a meeting but by dinner he didn’t come back rumlow had told you.

The next 2 weeks you spent inside, alone. You had let Mrs. Baker take the month off and locked the bodyguards out of the house. You wanted to stay that way.

Spending your nights crying in the shower, sitting in the recliner starting out the large glass wall of the living room. Sleeping until 1 pm after staying up all night. After a call from Bucky to rumlow, he’d kicked the door down and everything returned as usual, for the most part.

Mrs baker came back and made you breakfast lunch and dinner as is her job, the guards watched over you. And you wrote a new song finally filling your self with anger towards Bucky.

You put the letter down scoffing as you turn walking through the living room to your bed room you pull off your heels and take your hair out stretching your arms up. You look over seeing a figure standing across the room looking out the window wall.

He’s not hard to miss name as the white dress shirt he wears is rolled up exposing his metal arm from forearm down a drink in his hand.

“What are you doing here I thought I made it clear that I-“ you begin

“Count the stars…every time you couldn’t sleep you’d make me get up look out and count out every start I saw until you’d fall back sleep. I’d get to 15 and you’d be knocked out.” He chuckles

“James.” You say he shots the rest of his drink setting it down on the side table.

“I’m sorry-“ he starts. As he turns to face you.

“Get out.” You retort.

“I’m sorry y/n.” He continues

“Get the fuck out of my house!” You snap he doesn’t say anything.

He walks up to you and you take a step back he stops.

His face is illuminated by the moon light above streaming into the room. He has stubble his hair has grown out and he looks ever so tired. You notice there’s blood covering his shirt and spattered against his cheek.

Your eyes wander not realizing you have a worried expression.

“It’s not mine.” He says noticing your worry. You look back at him.

“I didn’t ask.” You says coldy.

“Y/n I’m sorry.” He says walking towards you. He gets close enough that you push him back at his chest as usual he dosnt budge.

“No-“ you say your voice breaking.

“Please.” He pleads with you.

“NO! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!” You say pushing against him hitting his chest. He stands and takes your hits that feel like nothing, letting you get your pain out.

“I gave you everything!! I poured my heart to you and all you could do was throw it away!!” You yell at him tears flowing from your eyes.

“I know..” he says his voice breaking.

“NO DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME!!” You scream as he holds your arms

“Y/n!?” He pleads

“YOU LIED TO ME-“

“I did.”

“YOU LEFT ME! YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME!” You yell at him crying.

“I do! I do baby please!” He says tears making thier way down his cheeks.

“I LOVED YOU! You sob.

“I know!! You don’t understand how many times I wish I could take it back! Take back everything! I did!” He says.

“Why!! You left me alone why did you leave me.!!” You ask.

“There’s a mole. There was a coupe settling. If I went away you wouldn’t be harmed if I said something you’d be killed. I can’t…” he trails off for a moment looking into your eyes placing his hand on your cheek but then continues.

“I can’t do that again I can’t loose someone I care about as much I care about you again-“

“Your mother.” You you sniff. He nods.

“I thought if I’d i left, you’d hate me enough to forget that I’d never have to come back. I hoped you’d find someone else.” He says

You shake you head.

“You should’ve taken me with you.” You say he chuckles shaking his head now.

“I…I can’t undo the things I’ve done to you..all I can say is I’m sorry. I just…please. I won’t live with out you. Please..” he says his blue eyes glasses over.

You shake your head slowly. He lets out a pained breath.

You look down closing your eyes for a moment before looking back up meeting his hurt expression and with out think your body moves on it’s own. Your arms wrap around his neck and lips collide. He doesn’t hesitate and kisses you back as soon as he feels you his hands moving from you face to your waist gripping your sides pulling you into him.

The taste of expensive whiskey on his lips shiver your body remembering what nights spent at home all day were like.

Your hands move down his front pulling the buttons out of the loops and the front of his shirt exposing his perfectly toned, scarred chest. His hands hike up your skirt. The harsh grip of his hand on your ass cheek makes you gasp giving him the perfect opportunity to push his tongue through.

He turns you back as you begin to walk backward to the bed. I twinge of pain hits you. You pull back your lips from him he whines at your lack of touch which make you smile only for it to be wiped away but another spike of pain.

You look down seeing a bright red spot in your shirt growing. Bucky looks down to where your looking seeing your blood.

“Y/n!?” He exclaims you look up at him your brows knitted together in fear.

“Hey no look at me it’s okay.!” He says he looks around not seeing any gun or assassin but then sees the perfect bullet whole through the glass of the window.

“Fuck! RUMLOW!” He yells rumlow and peirce run in turning the light on seeing you and Bucky holding your bleeding side.

“Call an ambulance Now!” Bucky commands.

��Ah!” You squeal as the pain washes over you taking your leg strength with it.

“F-fuck!” Bucky looks at you.

“Bucky-“ you begin to cry again.

“No no your okay. Hey! Look at me doll you’re okay. Your gonna be okay.” He says and pleads.

The distant chatter between rumlow and the operator sound out.

“I do wanna- Bucky please I don’t..” you sob

“No hey no look at me look up at me it’s okay the balance is coming baby come on yeah! It’s okay I gotta get you up alright!” He says hooking his arms under your body you scream in pain as he lifts you.

Taking off his jacket rumlow presses it to the wound on your stomach as Bucky hurries out out the penthouse cursing all the at down at the slow elevator descending to ground floor as he rushes out with you in his arms out of the lobby the red and blue flashing light brighten the night.

The emts jump out of the vehicle running to you with the stretcher.

Bucky looks down your pale and unconscious.

“No no baby no! Wake up y/n come one honey wake up!” He says putting you down on the stretcher holding your face in his hands.

“Sir.” Rumlow says moving Bucky back so the paramedics can take you.

“No! SHIT! I just got her back…Fuck!”

Go to part three (your welcome I haven’t made you wait.)

[cto10121]

Re-watching the New Moon movie and I have many Thoughts(tm), namely

Why is the cinematography is so warm toned compared to the first movie when New Moon is the most depressing book and truly the worst era of Bella’s young life: A Mystery in 2 Hours

At least Pattinson!Edward looks a little better than usual. They put him in these crisp suits. Very nice (Edit: Never mind, that awful Volturi bathrobe with the pasty-ass makeup was horrific yuck, yuck, yuck)

They just had to introduce Jacob this early on, didn’t they? And ofc Bella is much more emotive and gets all the witty dialogue with him (!!). In the books she is much more romantic and wittier with Edward as a whole. Jacob tended to bring out her immature side

“How come Jacob Black gets to give you a gift and I can’t?” “Because I have nothing to give back to you” Nice to know the screenwriter(s) still doesn’t understand the Bedward dynamic. And by nice I mean horrific

…What film version of R&J are they watching??? It’s not the ‘30s version and definitely not the ‘60s or ‘90s one. Is it the ‘70s BBC one? In the book it was the ‘60s version, which is the correct answer. Did they not get the rights? Also, also, why are the human characters much more affected by R&J than Bella and Edward????

“[Romeo] Killed his only love out of sheer stupidity” “Yeah” Oh no, no, no, no, movie, you are not going to make Bella, a close Romeo iteration, agree with Edward!!! Edward is meant to be 100% wrong by his take. Dumbass script!!!

Edward: “Eyes, look your last” 😐 Couldn’t Pattinson just inject a little bit more feeling into his line reading? Most of Edward’s objections were Romeo’s actions, not his suicide. These are the lines Edward can and should relate to.

The movie people garbing the Volturi in 18th century clothing when they are older than the Romans is just laughable

“Dating an older woman. Hot.” Okay, Emmett is 💯, no notes. Definitely erred on the side of frat boy, but you know what, it’s fun and ho boy do these movies lack it

Bella holding up her whole bloody finger in a coven of vampires 💀 Why, movie

Stewart!Bella’s chemistry with almost everyone else in the cast (that scene with Carlisle tending her wound!!!) but Pattinson!Edward confirms what I have known all along: Film and real life chemistry are very different and they shouldn’t be confused. The proof is in the celluloid.

I’m just going to call it: Stewart and Pattinson are modern subtle quirky actors playing what are essentially neo-Gothic star-crossed lover roles. They absolutely should never have been considered for these parts at all by a competent director. Absolutely not fitting at all

“You’re just not good for me.” Hmm, this is what Bella believes about herself, not Edward. I suppose Edward could have done it on purpose, but the fact that he was flabbergasted his lie worked indicates that he doesn’t. Movie just straight up portrays him as more manipulative than in the books, where he just lies baldly

Oh God the months-on-the-screen thing was terrible. This movie fails so much at portraying Bella’s depression, it hurts. It’s like visual SparkNotes

The Bella-writing-to-Alice device sucks. Not too badly, but still. We had her voiceover in the first movie without any problems but for this one, we need a justification? Also, it fuels the Bella/Alice fan dumb something awful

Really dislike the way they did Hallucination!Edward with the ghostly transparent effect. It’s corny and also…way to pass up a chance at some mystery and intrigue by just having Edward be there without any special effects (maybe keep the echoing voice). I guess they really didn’t want people confused and think he returned when he didn’t. But c’mon.

Movie Bella going off with the biker 🤮 Book Bella at her most insane would never. The only good thing about it is that it does lead to Bella having an interest in motorcycles. Efficient movie storytelling and all that.

“Bella, where the hell have you been, loca?” Wonder why this line became so meme-worthy. It’s by far not the worst (“spider monkey” is perhaps the most awful) and Lautner’s delivery was natural enough. Is it the random Spanish? It is random.

Bella is already smiling at her first scene with Jacob…this movie is just awful at selling her desolation. Meanwhile Jacob’s first thought was how awful Bella looked

The Quileute characters are well-cast and nicely played so far, and their banter is good. Emily especially is beautiful and her scar makeup was convincing. Great

Book: “He took off his shirt” Movie: He took off his ~~~~shirt 😍

Laurent’s arrival and his death should have been a much better and weightier scene than we got. God, the pacing is so bad in this movie. Jacob becomes a werewolf, Bella finds the meadow, Laurent suddenly arrives—all within a minute or so. Ugh

“As soon as you put the dog out.” Damn, why, movie? Book Alice did not begin the slurs until she was well and truly angry. But sure, let’s do some really obvious racebaiting 🙄

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jacob KNEW he was talking to Edward and not Carlisle????? Movie, wtf? And all to save up on some screen time…sigh

Bella: “I can let you go now.” What. The. Fuck. Movie????? Not only could she not let Edward go, Bella never wanted to let him go. That was and had never been her arc!!! She would have gone to Edward regardless of anything!!! I hate this, I hate this oh GOD

No, I’m not done, I need another bullet point for this BS. The whole reason why Twilight was picked up to be adapted in the first place was because Hollywood execs saw “Ooh Romeo and Juliet with vampires 🤑” written all over this one…only for the actual filmmakers to just say, “Actually her whole ~journey this movie is letting go of Edward uwu” Poor Meyer…she just had to grin and bear it until she became the producer, I suppose

*Bella and Edward having a whole-ass conversation and making out* *Felix and Demetri watching in the shadows*: “So…should we interru—” “Don’t you DARE” “Felix” 🤣 I’m sorry, but this whole “I lied I do love you” convo should have been in the bedroom scene proper; there are literal Volturi about!!! Also, also, no “Amazing. Carlisle is right”!!! No Romeo quote!!!! Fie, for shame

Dakota Fanning as Jane…Well, probably not perfection, but she is great as usual. The Volturi got done so dirty overall, though—they look and act like Vampire Diaries rejects.

THAT ELEVATOR SCENE, OH GOD. So much meme potential. Why does this series keep injecting humor and comedy where there shouldn’t be and just ditching the actual humor and comedy of the actual books?????

Again, these Volturi gives me discount Vampire Diaries. Also, that chamber is so damn small. Where is the mystique, the grandiosity?There should be a crowd of vampires around, it’s their dinnertime.

Michael Sheen is just too British for the la tua cantante, lol. He also says something else (“Forse le vostre l’uno per altro”??? The accent is just too thick). He’s way too handsy (movie, they’re regular vampires who are sharks!!) but overall I guess his creepy-genteel approach works. Again, the cringy script fucks him over, as it does everyone. The movie has him touch Edward only now and not immediately when he meets him. Oh, God.

Edward just stumbling forward to Jane’s demonstration on Bella 💀 Jane saying “Pain” and Edward just standing there instead of collapsing 💀 Stewart!Bella freaking out and begging them to stop…actually, no, there she did very well, I liked it

Edward and Felix fighting ewwww…and with that awful slow-mo. What’s with these movies and including non-canonical battle shit???? Also, Aro would not order Bella’s execution if simply because he wants to collect Edward/Alice and Bella once she turns (it’s obvious she is a shield).

Of course fucking Alice speaks up at the very last minute before Aro chomps on Bella!!! When she would have had a vision of this exact scenario!!! This movie I swear!!!

THEY ACTUALLY SHOW THE VISION OF VAMPIRE BELLA, OH GOD. AND WITH THE CORNY SLOW-MO. KILL ME

“Once Alice changes me, you can’t get rid of me.” Okay, Movie Bella is officially more interested in immortality than Edward, the exact opposite of her book counterpart. Dishonor on your cow, Rosenberg.

“Jake, I love you.” Aaaaaand it’s official, the movies are definitely Team Jacob. Fuck you, too, movie

[fuckmeyer]

"disturbed, depressed, inadequate": Edward Cullen & George Costanza, cringefail twinsies

as we all know, Twilight and Seinfeld are canonically set in the same universe. we see blatant clues scattered throughout both series. (e.g., Stephenie Meyer prefacing New Moon with the entirety of Jerry Seinfeld's opening stand-up from season 4's "The Outing;" Jerry making a Twilight reference in "The Soup" episode of Seinfeld, etc.) most notably, we see Edward Cullen & George Costanza's personalities mirror each other in a way that extends far beyond "pure" "coincidence." upon closer examination, they are the same person in parallel universes.

the two are, canonically, absolute losers seemingly broken beyond repair, self-saboteurs who waffle between moments of self-aggrandizement and self-loathing. their negative self-image, insecurities, & belief that they do not deserve love are recurring themes in their respective series.

among other things, George describes himself as "disturbed, depressed, inadequate," ("The Visa," S04) "completely insecure, paranoid, [and] neurotic" ("The Beard," S06). he is the self-proclaimed "Lord of the Idiots" ("The Apartment," S02) who is sure of only one thing: "There is no bigger loser than me" ("The Strike," S09).

in the Twilight Saga, Edward repeatedly calls himself "selfish" & a "monster." in Midnight Sun, he's a "coward" (37), "evil" (374) & an "obsessed stalker" (94). clearly depressed in the way he describes his "long melancholy" (138) as "an unending, unchanging midnight" (136), he quickly pinpoints the feelings behind his hatred for Bella: "What I really hated was myself" (26). his distaste for Mike Newton & jealousy of Jacob Black stem from his insecurity, while his paranoia has him assuming, among other things, that a meteor will crash down & bonk Bella out of existence (131). Edward's telepathy has him always on the alert for intruders, resulting in baseless conclusions. "Idiot," Rose calls him (97, 129, 145, 202, 314). idiot, indeed.

Edward & George's low self-esteem compel them to lie, unable to live up to the perceived expectations of others. after Edward saves Bella from a car accident, he lies to her to keep her away. "I had a show to put on now. I knew the role I would play—I had the character down: I would be the villain. I would lie and ridicule and be cruel" (MS, 90). beyond shielding her from his true nature, he is shielding her from a deeper truth: "I didn't deserve any link, any claim to her at all" (728). that is, Edward does not consider himself worthy of Bella's love. he even point-blank admits it to her at prom: "I'm not worth it." (782)

George, too, struggles to live up to assumed perceptions: “You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real. That's when it all falls apart. What good is real?" ("The Visa," S04) like Edward, he engages in deceptive tactics throughout the series to keep his partners at arm's length, from creating falsehoods about himself to preventing his fiancée from fraternizing with his friends & entering his world. ("The Pool Guy," S07) Edward, more succinct, sends Bella the same message in New Moon: "My world is not for you." (37)

in fact, one of the few traits George & Edward possess that is not negatively regarded is their ability to lie. Edward's declaration that "I was not an incompetent liar" (MS, 77) seems an understatement when, not 10 pages later, he says, "Perhaps I was too good a liar if I could fool Carlisle" (85). he claims to feel guilty; then again, Bella often notes him lying outright or by omission in the series.

"I lie every second of my life," George brags in season 2's "The Apartment." "My whole life is a sham." other characters acknowledge & praise this ability. in the episode "The Beard" (S06), Jerry begs George to help him beat a polygraph test, calling his ability "a gift." just as Edward dramatizes his lying to "putting on a show," George likens his talent to singing opera: "It's like saying to Pavarotti, 'Teach me to sing like you.'" the advice he gives Jerry aptly sums up George's philosophy: "It's not a lie if you believe it." how fitting that this is the mindset Edward employs to stay in Bella's life a little longer.

George & Edward's relationships not only showcase their ability to lie but follow similar paths. George faces Edward's exact dilemma: the choice to deny his nature (to the point of becoming vegetarian!) for an attractive woman in "The Secretary" episode of season 6. "You're luscious," he says to a beautiful applicant for an open secretary position. "You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra." George chooses not to hire the attractive secretary... but ends up sleeping with his 'unattractive' secretary anyway. Edward, meanwhile, does the opposite: he chooses vegetarianism and to date the object of his affection, albeit with personal turmoil. where Edward chooses to be the man, George chooses to be the monster.

unsurprisingly, however, their low self-esteem is a frequent barrier to their romantic pursuits. these insecurities even lead them to preemptively decide to break up with their significant other. in George's case, the breakup in season 3's "The Pez Dispenser" is a means for him to protect himself & regain control:

“A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity.”

Edward seemingly breaks up with Bella to protect her. he knows he will leave her by page 368 of Midnight Sun. by page 746, he admits he's lying when he swears he won't leave her. "[T]he time would come, I was sure now, when I would have to convince her [I didn't want her]" (747). best-case scenario, he thinks, she will outgrow him (781), though it's clear she intends on forever. despite the evidence from Alice that Bella will be a catatonic mess, he leaves...several months later, after a near-fatal brush with Jasper. one might argue Edward's fear of love & intimacy leads him to break up with her as a means to protect himself from the harsh reality that she will die.

ultimately, George & Edward's failures in physical & emotional intimacy are rooted, at least in part, in an aversion to sex.

for both, the desire to feed presents a barrier to their lovemaking. Edward is unable to prolong his kisses with Bella, citing his thirst. he compares himself to "an alcoholic" & Bella to "a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac..." (Twilight, 13). similarly, in season 9's "The Blood," George finds he is always hungry around his partner & can't make love to her without eating. his attempt to introduce strawberries, chocolate sauce, & pastrami on rye into the bedroom snowballs into him sneaking sandwiches into bed. though George, unlike Edward, can satiate himself without murdering his girlfriend, his desire to feed still leads to his demise.

this aversion to sex extends beyond a conflict with their baser selves, however. we see George & Edward's insecurities & low self-esteem take a central role in their inability to engage in intimate relations.

“I don't like when a woman says, ‘Make love to me,’" says George in season 3's "The Stranded." "It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.”

this quote perfectly encapsulates Edward & Bella's wedding night. despite being intimidated by Bella's demand for sex, Edward acquiesces. upon discovering he bruised Bella, Edward confirms his worst fears, calls himself a monster, and says: "I'm...so sorry, Bella. [...] I am more sorry than I can tell you" (Breaking Dawn, 61). he then promises, "I will not make love with you until you've been changed. I will never hurt you again." (66)

oddly enough, the bleak outlook Edward takes on his sex life (i.e., not possible (Twilight, 147) & unrealistic (Eclipse, 299)) mirrors George's feelings re: sexual intimacy in "The Pony Remark" (S02):

“You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.”

is this aversion to intimacy with women a product of George & Edward being queer-coded characters? even if Edward didn't worship the ground on which Carlisle "the soul of [the] family" (MS, 96) walked to the point where he hopes his face resembles Carlisle's "perfect" one (24, 387), he constantly thinks of his creator & tries to live up to Carlisle's perception of him (28, 347, 383, 387). this seems innocuous enough until we consider the fact that the vampire genre itself has queer roots. vampires have always served as a symbol for social outcasts; homosexual depictions, from the 1872 novel Carmilla to the 2020s reboot of Interview with a Vampire, are a common feature of the genre. through this lens, the virginal Edward Cullen pushing away his heterosexual partner while he envisions Carlisle's face takes on different connotations.

George, deeply in denial of his sexuality, upholds odd "rules" to avoid being seen as gay, from refusing to sit "boy-boy-girl" in a car ("The Ex-Girlfriend," S02), to reminding Jerry of his "unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality" before declaring Jerry's new jacket "fabulous." (his singing show tunes throughout "The Jacket" (S02)  still earns him the title of gay by another character, however.) he frequently goes into a gay panic: from being called out on his attraction to Jerry ("The Cartoon," S09), to being accused of falling in love with his friend Tony ("The Stall," S05), to being explicitly labeled as Jerry's romantic partner in season 4's "The Outing," he responds to challenges to his heterosexuality with anger, anxiety, dismay, & denial. he even shouts "IT [his penis] MOVED!" in response to being touched by an attractive male masseuse ("The Masseuse," S05). regardless of whether George may be gay or bisexual, George's record of "staunch heterosexuality" seems not as "unblemished" as he would like us to believe.

given all the similarities, one might think the biggest difference is their species: Edward is a mindreading vampire and George is a human. but George does note having an advanced sense of perception akin to Edward's telepathy: "I was personable, I was bright. [...] I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party" ("The Opposite," S05). additionally, while George may not be a literal vampire, he does have a parasitic nature. cheap & selfish, he frequently mooches off his friends & leaves them footing the bill. he also lies & manipulates for his own gain, including but not limited to faking a disability to have access to his own private bathroom at work ("The Butter Shave," S09), setting up a fake charity to avoid buying Christmas presents for his coworkers ("The Strike," S09), & falsifying statements to extend his unemployment benefits ("The Boyfriend, Part 1," S03). leeching off of others & the community is a hallmark of vampirism.

ultimately, the uncanny parallels between these two characters are impossible to ignore. George & Edward seem indeed the same person mirrored into different universes. so, what does this say about their creator(s)? this "coincidence" naturally begs the question: Are Jerry Seinfeld and Stephenie Meyer the same person? in Part 2 of this essay, we expl—

[kwop-kilawtley]

the movies robbed us of so many great bella x jake moments that were in the books… and some were just half-assed with no real impact, such as their breakup in the end of eclipse. the scene in the book is beyond heartbreaking, but in the movie it’s so? meh?? or on a lighter note, the training scene when jake was in wolf form and he licked bella’s face, that was some cute bff shit that i wish they had included. so if you had to pick 3 moments from the books that you wish were in the movies, which would they be? 

We were ROBBEDDDDDDD!!!!! Simply! Okay Literally the end of eclipse is the bane of my existence it ruins me every time and the movie scene was NOTHING. The entire purpose of eclipse was her fighting with the fact that she does love Jacob and that she DOES have to make a choice. So for them to just throw away that end scene with them was horrible. She doesn’t even say she’s in love with him or cry or give us ANYTHING. Also like in the book they were cuddled in bed and then afterwards she was grieving over him and depressed. It’s my biggest issue with all the movies. WE NEEDED THEM CRYING AND CUDDLING AND GRIEVING OVER THEIR LOVE AND LIFE AND FUTURE. WE NEEDED HER TO SAY WHAT SHE SAYS IN THE BOOK that Jacob is her soulmate and she WANTS to stay with him but that she didn’t have a choice. We needed edward being like are you sure? I never seen you so upset… and then bella being miserable about planning the wedding cause she never wanted it.

I also understand why a lot of this fandom is team Edward bc if you only watch the movies it makes sense bc it doesn’t even seem like Jacob is really all that important. In the books he is there ALL the time and all of Bellas best moments are with him. They have more of a romance than Edbella.

Idk if I can just pick 3 tbh….. also this is not counting the end of eclipse but that’s totally my main issue and wish we got it so bad

1. In new Moon Bella having that dinner with Jake & the family pre wolf. She was holding hands with Jacob giggling and being a cute teenager with him & she said she felt genuinely happy for once. GODD I love this scene so much.

2. In new moon where after she jumps off the cliff and they go back to jakes house and she’s changed into his clothes and they’re cuddling and he falls asleep on her.

3. Conversation hearts. Sorry but this has a grip on me and I wish they included it so bad 😭😭😭🫶🏻

But like there’s SOOO many tbh. So many scenes of them in the garage being real and cute. There’s a few scenes in eclipse I am thinking of that were so good.. like when she’s just with him on the beach when she shouldn’t be. There were a few beach meets with them and they’re just so tender ugh. That scene in eclipse where Jake and her are doing dishes together and he accidentally cuts himself and she’s like freaking out. Jacob is in eclipse a LOT and it’s so obvious how much she loves him and how much she’s really trying to be annoyed at him. Which is all revealed in the end ofc. Oh also them trying to find the meadow!! Hiking together unsuccessfully. There’s so many honestly ugh. Feel free to send me some more than you wish were included or scenes in the movies that did not properly portray. OH SPEAKING OF DUHHH THEIR FUCKING KISS IN ECLIPSE???? Bellas inner monologue is so intense it’s such an insane awakening for her and she sees their whole future and the fact they cut that out is HORRIFIC. tbh I think a lot of people skip over Jacob parts. I also think the producers knew that if they portrayed any of this then it wouldn’t be good bc exb is endgame.

[swtblud]

  *      𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴      ..

* ⠀ ✞ ⠀ lola   tung   .   demi   woman   .   she/they   .   |   *   cue   YOUR   BEST   AMERICAN   GIRL   BY   MITSKI    *   |   ISABELLA   ’   BELLA   ’   SWAN   was   just   seen   lurking   around   THUNDERBIRD   &   WHALE   BOOKSTORE   ,   wonder   what   they’re   up   to   ?   they’re   a   twenty1   year   old   human   that   has   been   in   forks   for   THREE   MONTHS   because   THEY   PROMISED   THEIR   DAD   THAT   THEY’D   ATTEND   SCHOOL   HERE   .   they   currently   work   as   a   COLLEGE   STUDENT   /   CURRENTLY   UNEMPLOYED   &   given   their   +   MATURE   &   -   GAUCHE   personality   ,   it’s   no   wonder   they   feel   WARY   towards   the   latest   influx   of   new   arrivals   &   are   UNAWARE   of   the   supernatural   .   |  *      mental   shield      |  

*      𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬      .

full   name   :   isabella   marie   swan   .     alias(es)   /   nickname(s)   :   bella   (   preferred   name   )   ,   bells   (   reserved   for   charlie   )   ,   arizona   ,   spider   monkey   (   👀   )   . age   :   twenty1   . birth   place   :   forks   ,   washington   but   raised   in   phoenix   ,   arizona   . species   :   human   (   gifted   )   .  nationality   :   american   .    gender   +   pronouns   :   demi   woman   +   she/they   . height   :   five   foot   ,   four   inches   .    orientation(s)   :   biromantic   ,   bisexual   .    marital   status   :   single   .

*      𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲   +   𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧   𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐬      .

click  here   for   bella's   background   !   the   only   change   i've   made   is   instead   of   being   an   only   child   ,   renée   &   charlie   welcomed   twins   that   day   on   september   13th   .

charlie   swan   &   renée   dwyer   were   subjects   to   a   whirlwind   romance      :      jumped   head   -   first   into   a   marriage   shortly   after   their   first   encounter   &   settling   down   almost   immediately   ,   all   within   the   span   of   2   -   3   months   .   if   that   . 

for   a   while   ,   they   were   happy   ..   until   they   weren't   .   a   few   months   after   the   twins'   birth    ,   the   honeymoon   phase   would   eventually   begin   to   fizzle   out   &   therefore   ,   their   relationship   was   put   to   the   test   with   an   ultimatium      :      renée   started   to   grow   depressed   by   the   constant   rainy   climate   &   cloudy   aura   that   gloomed   over   forks    &   wanted   out   of   the   small   town   .   charlie   ,   on   the   other   hand   ,   had   a   lot   on   his   plate   at   the   time   &   refused   to   leave   town   due   to   his   parents'   deteriorating   health   issues   .   long   story   short   ,   renée   was   leaving   with   or   without   charlie   &   they   actually   settled   on   the   idea   of   each   child   being   paired   with   a   parent   ,   flippa   stayed   in   forks   with   charlie   &   bella   moved   to   california   with   renée   .   for   the   children's   sake   ,   they   did   maintain   a   cordial   relationship   &   would   often   trade   off   during   holidays   ,   school   breaks   ,   etc   -   occasionally   ,   they'd   spend   some   together   .

bella   was   only   three   months   when   renée   decided   to   leave   charlie   &   move   back   to   her   hometown   in   downey   .   for   the   most   part   ,   she   was   taken   care   of   by   her   grandmother   ,   marie   higginbotham   (   y'all   WHY   did   i   not   realize   she   makes   a   cameo   in   new   moon   ???   she's   the   old   lady   that   bella   sees   in   her   dream   the   night   before   her   eighteenth   bday   ??   wtf   ?!?   )   while   renée   made   the   decision   to   return   back   to   school   &   there   ,   she   obtained   her   education   degree   so   she   could   become   a   primary   school   teacher   .   shortly   after   finding   a   job   ,   they   made   the   move   to   riverside   ,   which   they'd   stay   there   until   bella   was   6   .

the   third   &   final   move   was   phoenix   ,   arizona   .   they'd   remain   there   leading   up   to   bella's   high   school   graduation   .   around   that   time   ,   renée   met   &   fell   in   love   with   a   minor   league   baseball   player   ,   phil   dwyer   .   not   taking   into   account   of   her   previous   failed   marriage   ,   they   would   marry   in   that   same   month   ,   with   bella's   blessing   .   because   of   phil's   job   ,   he   had   to   travel   around   a   lot   &   renée   stayed   home   with   bella   .   this   arrangement   didn't   last   long   as   bella   started   noticing   her   unhappiness   &   not   wanting   to   be   a   nuisance   or   burden   any   longer   ,   she   pitched   (   pun   intended   🤭   i   had   to   )   the   idea   of   moving   in   with   charlie   so   that   renée   could   go   on   the   road   with   phil   during   baseball   season   .   so   ,   that   plan   ended   up   working   well   for   both   parties   :   bella   moved   back   to   forks   during   june   of   2023   &   has   enrolled   into   forks   university   ,   majoring   in   literature   with   plans   of   becoming   an   english   teacher   !

*      𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬      .

a   homebody   to   the   core   ,   you   can   usually   find   bella   staying   in   !   her   hobbies   include   reading   (   prefers   the   classics   ,   practically   has   romeo   &   juliet   memorized   ,   embedded   +   wired   into   her   brain   )   ,   listening   to   true   crime   podcasts   ,   cooking   ,   binging   horror   films   /   series   &   drawing   (   though   ,   she   believes   she's   not   that   great   )   .

also   ,   would   be   described   as   somewhat   of   a   '   tomboy   '      :      hates   dressing   up   with   an   unexplainable   passion   (   !!!   )   &   wears   minimal    makeup   (   most   of   the   time   ,   she   dons   a   bare   face   )   .   to   bella's   dismay   ,   renée   would   often   try   to   force   her   into   pageantry   growing   up   .

as   a   youngster   ,   she   took   up   ballet   &   attended   lessons   @   mimi's   school   of   dance   (   a   dance   studio   back   in   arizona   )   . 

has   a   complicated   relationship   with   her   mother   ,   kinda   reminiscent   of   renée's   relationship   with   her   own   mother   .     y'see   ,   renée   always   seemed   to   prioritize   her   romantic   relationships   above   familial   &   in   some   ways   ,   it   felt   as   though   she   wanted   to   relive   her   youth   .   because   of   this   ,   bella   stepped   up   at   a   young   age   &   helped   out   with   household   responsibilities   -   otherwise   ,   it'd   crumble   .   i   guess   you   could   say   that   the   parental   -   child   roles   were   reversed   .  

[futuremrsdrcullen]

Aren't We Just Terrified - Part One

Part one of the New Moon reader insert fic that I've been promising for FAR far too long.

Summery- The idea of facing mortal danger just to see a ghost of him almost sounded rational here.

I watched as Bella hugged her chest to keep herself whole. I stood by as she chased adrenaline for the smallest glimpse of Edward.

I didn’t feel perfect- standing there didn’t heal me. I let out a small humorless laugh and shook my head accepting that I couldn’t keep pretending that there was never a wound in the first place.

Word Count- 12,214

Warnings- This is New Moon, so it's a lot darker than the first. IF YOU HAVEN'T READ I'm Always in This Twilight READ THAT FIRST!! Depression, abandonment, misunderstandings, break ups, Age gaps because of vampires, angst! It's very angsty, but it gets better! I promise it has a very happy ending.

Notes from me- My name is Claire and this is my second love child. I have finally finished my version of New Moon and I could not be more excited for you guys to see it.

This is book 2 of probably 5 so stayed tuned for the rest of them.

I DO NOT own The Twilight Saga. All rights go directly to S. Meyer.

Read on AO3 <3

Masterlist <3

Thank you for being here, I Love you <3

Aren't We Just Terrifed - Part One

Unlike Bella, I was very excited for my birthday. It was a little different, I guess. Carlisle was still older than me and Edward would always be stuck at 17. It made sense that she wouldn't want to be another year older. Especially since she was already ready to be a vampire.

I was not. I wanted, at least, another 5 human years. To be with Carlisle, to experience human things. I hadn’t told anyone this. I tried not to think about it around Edward, and hadn’t really decided anything, so I hoped Alice couldn’t see my plans. If you could even call them that. 

When my 21st birthday rolled around, I could not wait for what the day had in store. 

“Happy birthday, Y/n!” Alice, Bella, and my dad were rushing into my room. Alice and Dad had gifts, Bella didn’t, though I think she just didn’t want me to return the favor.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.” I said.

“For the record, I did tell them that, and I listened.” Bella added as she showed her empty hands, and I laughed.

“I just knew you’d love it!” Alice added a wink at me “Carlisle will love it too.” My eyes went wide as she laughed.

Dad's brow furrowed “Ahhh-ba! Mines not wrapped, so we can do that first and then I’ll leave you girls to it.” He handed me the gift. “One of, if not the best, single malt whiskey. Made right here in the pacific northwest.” He said with a grin. Around the top of the bottle of Westland Whiskey he had handed me, was a silky blue ribbon.

“Thanks Dad, this is great.”

“The ribbon is part of the gift too. You had one just like it as a kid. You’d wear it all the time, pretending to be Wendy.” He smiled at the ribbon and the memory it held before his eyes met mine again. 

“I remember Dad, Thank you. It’s perfect.” I got up and hugged him. I leaned up to kiss his cheek.

“Alright, enough of me. Happy birthday, kid.” he left and softly shut the door behind him. When I turned around to face them Alice was grinning from ear to ear.

“Really? In front of my dad?” She put her hands up.

“I didn’t mean it like that! I’ve just seen you wear it tonight and, of course, he loves you in it.” She laughed, “It will look so cute with the ribbon in your hair.”

I pretended to gasp “Don’t spoil it!” We laughed and Alice handed me the box.

“Open it! I can’t wait.” I smiled back at her and opened the gift.

I pulled out the stunning deep blue dress. It was maybe knee length, and full of glitter. I thought that was fitting for my dinner date with a vampire tonight.

“You can wear it tonight!” Bella exclaimed then added. “Billy and Jacob will be here later.”

“And Carlisle is picking you up at 5pm, so you’ll have plenty of time to get ready.” Then she added, a little quieter, “The rest of us are going hunting tonight. It will just be the two of you.”

I blushed at her implication and looked back at the dress. “Right… Cool, thanks.”

“We’ll let you get ready. Happy birthday, Y/n! I’ll see you again tomorrow.” She hugged me quickly before grabbing Bella’s arm and leading her out of my room.

I just stared at the dress. 

I was going to spend a full night… Alone… With Carlisle .

I let out a breath I didn’t fully know I was holding and tried to pull it together.

~~

I heard the welcoming voice of my dad when his friend got there and spent a few more seconds looking at myself in the mirror before deciding that I looked as good as I was going to.

I had the dress from Alice on. It was a perfect fit, of course, and I tied my hair back with the ribbon from my dad.

I went downstairs to see that Billy and Jacob Black were, as expected, here. Bella’s face lit up when she saw me come down the stairs.

“Y/n! You look amazing!” She complimented, and everyone looked at me. Only a small part of me died of embarrassment.

“Happy birthday!” Jacob said. He had grown quite a bit since I had last seen him, but he still had a boyish look to him. 

“It’s good to see you, Y/n. You’re looking very… Alive.” Billy said from the living room.

"Uhm, Thanks?” Confused, I forced out a laugh. 

“We got you a card. Charlie said you’re hard to shop for.” Poor, sweet Jacob tried to shift focus.

“Only ‘cause your dad told me not to just get you a case of Rainier. It is your 21st, right?” Billy asked

“Yep,” putting emphasis on the p and I walked into the kitchen. 

“You’ve got so much living left to do, ya know?” He added.

My eyes shot to Bella; she looked just as confused as I felt.

“I have full intentions of living…” I tried to not glare at him from the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee.

Billy went to say something else that would have probably been equally as confusing, but Dad, thankfully, interrupted. “Well, this is a grim topic for a birthday. What do you have planned for the day, kid? Is that the dress Alice got you? It’s beautiful.” I will forever be grateful for my dad.

Jacob mouthed a quick sorry to Bella, who just let out a soft chuckle.

“It is. She has great taste.” I turned to show him the ribbon in my hair. “It goes great with the ribbon. Thanks again, Dad.”

“Sure kid. It looks great.” he kissed the top of my head, looking happy to see the ribbon already being put to good use. 

It was already around 4pm, so I only had to suffer for one hour before Carlisle whisked me away. I knew if I had texted him, he would have come home early and I could have avoided this conversation all together, but I also knew he needed to hunt. 

Then again, it was very hard to not see or hear from him for three days. Of course Billy was making that feeling so much worse.

I wish I was allowed to know that they are werewolves, so I didn’t just have to think that the only thing off with them is that they have this big secret. I hated all this “it’s not my secret to tell, mon coeur…” From Carlisle. Billy hinted at so much, like, not only did he know the Cullens were vampires, but he also had a secret life of his own. I thought werewolf, maybe, or vampire hunter, made the most sense. 

I respected the game they were playing and I kept my mouth shut. My plate was full with the supernatural already. Why stir the pot any more?

Bella said something in response to Billy. Something I’d missed entirely, because I was thinking about Carlisle.

“Is it wise to spend your birthday with them?” Billy asked. He looked at me like a disapproving father. All of which was annoying, considering my actual dad was right there and he didn’t have a single problem with my choice of birthday companion. 

“I spend most days with Carlisle, so I’m sure I’ll be fine.” I smirked at him and took a large sip of my coffee.

“Why don’t we move to the living room and watch the game?” Dad, bless him, interrupted our stare down to suggest.

“That sounds great!” Jacob, bless him too, added and wheeled him, after Dad, into the living room. Bella and I stayed in the kitchen and the second they were out of hearing range we looked at each other, both of our eyes wide. 

“That was… uncomfortable.” She laughed, “Why are they like this?”

“They act like the legends are more than just legends… you know?” I added, trying to gauge what she knew. It wasn’t my secret to share either. She shrugged, staring confusedly back at me. It didn't seem like she knew anything more than I did, or if she did, she wasn’t going to tell me. I just laughed it off, “I’ll just ask Carlisle about it later. Maybe it’s nothing.”

She shook her head in confusion. “We gotta get back in there before they ask anymore questions.”

~~

The hour ticked by painfully slowly; I thought I was actually going crazy, but then there was a knock on the door.

I stood and ran to the door, eager to get it before anyone could get it first, not that anyone even moved to. I still lost my breath when I saw him. His eyes a bright golden color and his hair just a little damp from the rain. I stepped out on the porch, shut the door quickly behind me, and wrapped my arms around his neck. 

He rested his hands on my hips and kissed the crook of my neck. “Happy Birthday, Cara .” I leaned back to look at his face again. “You look… stunningly beautiful. ”

“Alice said you’d like it.”

“I like everything you wear. I like you. ” He leaned in to kiss me.

“Oh, I’m demoted to only like now?”

I could feel his laugh against my lips, “Hmm, I love you so much.”

“Just checking…” I leaned in to meet his kiss. Our first kiss after 3 days apart felt like a breath of fresh air. The only thing keeping me grounded these last few days was knowing that this kiss was just around the corner. That, soon, I would get to kiss him again; he would run his fingers through my hair and hold me to him like he needed this just as much as I did. If I let myself, I could stay here in this kiss forever. 

Sadly, the need to breathe out weighed my wants and I had to pull back. I rested my head on his shoulder. 

“As much as I really don't want to, I've gotta get my shoes and things.” He laughed and I turned to get the door before I remembered who was inside and froze. “Oh uhm… Billy and Jacob Black are here and Billy’s been kinda weird… Weird like he knows things…” I raised my eyebrows and looked at him.

He didn’t seem surprised at all. “Oh I’m sure he has been.” He let out a soft sigh, “ Thank you for the warning, but it will be alright.” He kissed my forehead and went to open the door. 

“ You know I’m gonna ask you to elaborate on that later, right?” 

“It’s not my secret to share.” He smiled at me as I opened the door and pulled him inside.

I whispered “I hate that response and you know it.” and he laughed again.

Dad was standing near the doorway to the living room when we came in, “Doctor,” nodding in Carlisle’s direction “How's it going?”

“Well, Charlie, and yourself?”

“It’s going-”

“Dr. Cullen,” Billy came into the room and I grabbed Carlisle's hand. He gave my hand a soft squeeze to reassure me. 

“Always a pleasure to see you, Chief Black.”

“Sure. Of course, I hope things are good, especially with the girls. I hate for something to happen…” He tilted his head towards me.

“See what I mean…” I whispered, barely audible, still knowing he heard me. I heard his soft laugh in response and felt his hand move to my back.

“Alright. Back to the game.” Dad saved the day again, though I’m sure he was confused on where this all was coming from, but I was still grateful. He kissed my forehead, “Have a great night sweetheart.” They went back into the living room and I heard dad say “You drunk already, old man? What is up with you?” and Billy just laughed.

I made quick work of grabbing my bag and sliding on my shoes and once we were out of the door I asked again. “So, do you know what all that’s about?”

“Like I said before, I shouldn’t say. It’s not my secret to share.”

“But you’re gonna tell me , right?”

“No, probably not.” he shook his head and walked me to the car door. “If someone told you we were vampires, before we were ready, we would have been pretty upset.”

I sighed as I got into the car. “My money is still on werewolves.” 

He laughed at that and smiled at me as he sat in the driver seat. “I love you,” He was still chuckling as he pulled out of the driveway.

~~

At the restaurant, I ate a hefty salad and he pretended to sip a black coffee. He of course picked out an expensive wine for me to try. How he knew I’d like it, I’ll never understand, but it was very good. It was white and fruity and sweet. I couldn’t pronounce the name if I tried but it made me melt when he said it.

As he took another fake sip of his coffee I asked, “So what’s the story behind the black coffee? It's, like, the only thing you order.”

“Well, It’s very common for restaurants to sell black coffee, and the cups keep my hands nice and warm.” He wiggled his fingers and I definitely didn’t follow his fingers with my eyes.

“Oh… that makes a lot of sense actually,” I blushed and tore my eyes from his hands back to his face.

He just smirked at me and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Yup.” I popped the “p” to fill the awkwardness that was almost palpable on my end. I could feel my blush deepen even as I looked back at my glass of wine. 

He spent just about the whole dinner chuckling at me, as if he knew that all that was going through my head was our upcoming night alone together

~~

By the time we pulled into the driveway, I don’t think the reality had fully set in.

“So, you said I wasn’t allowed to get you a gift but I may have bent that just a little…” He admitted sheepishly.

“Carlisle-”

“Don’t worry. It’s not especially crazy.” He laughed.

“Everything you guys do is crazy.”

“Trust me?”

“With my life…” I blushed and tried to contain my grin.

“We’re throwing a whole party for Bella. I’m keeping you to myself, just us.”

“She’s going to be difficult about that.”

“We are fully prepared for that, we’re just hoping she’ll secretly love it.”

He took my hand as we walked in the door. The house was dimly lit, mostly with candles and there were rose petals everywhere. He chuckled softly when I turned to face him, my eyebrows raised. “Alice took over when I left. I just set out the champagne.”

“She has a hidden motive for everything.” I retort

“I dont think it’s all that hidden.” He kissed my forehead, before going into the kitchen and grabbing the champagne and a glass. I followed behind him. 

“I kinda hate that you can’t share this with me.”

Without looking up he poured some in a glass and took a small sip meeting my eyes. “I can, it would just be a waste of a good bottle of champagne.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed softly. “I get it, you can hold your liquor.” He laughed and I took the drink from him. “It takes the fun out of it, but I’m just happy to be here with you.”

“So, how was your birthday so far, Cara?”

I took a second to consider. The gifts from my dad, Alice and Bella. My hand twirled the end of the ribbon in my fingers. “ Simple. Wonderful. Perfect.” I set the glass down and stepped closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed a quick kiss to my lips “Thank you.”

“Anything for you.” another short, sweet kiss. “You should be celebrated every day.” 

“So should you, but you don’t even remember your birthday…”

“You make me feel more celebrated than I could ever deserve.”

“Ah ba ba- Nope! On my birthday, you deserve the world.”

He laughed, “I don’t think that's how it works.”

“Nope. It’s my birthday, I get to decide.” he leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose. I probably could have stood there for the rest of the night; sipping champagne and making dumb jokes. We did stay there for a while doing just that.

“Would you like to finish your drink?”

I pretended to gasp. “Carlisle Cullen, are you trying to get me drunk?”

With a laugh he responded, “Definitely not, but I just have one more little gift-”

“Carlisle!” I really did gasp that time. It was the one thing I agreed with Bella on; this beautiful family had already given me so much and I could never return the favor, no matter how hard I tried. I wasn’t going to throw a fit because they bought me something, but they didn’t have to. I would rather they didn’t.

“I know, I know. We agreed, no gifts. Honestly, it's just something I bought for that house. That you will benefit from, on your birthday.”

Playfully, I glared at him, “But it’s not a gift.”

He smiled again and put his hands up. “Not if you don’t want it to be.”

“Hmm…” I swirled my drink around the glass like fancy people do in fancy movies. “Should I finish this?”

“You don’t have to finish it now-” he chuckled. “You could bring it with you if you want.”

I smiled at him then, “Well, why didn’t you start with that.”

He laughed and took my hand. He led and I followed up the stairs and to his office door. It was the room I spent most of my time in while at the Cullens’ and also the closet thing he had to a bedroom.

When we got to the door he turned his back to it and faced me.

“Close your eyes.” Though he was a master at hiding it, I could see the smallest, excited smile on his lips.

“For something that's not a gift, this sure feels like a gift.” I smiled back at him and closed my eyes. I felt the cool press of his lips to mine before he pulled back and opened the door.

He pulled my hand and led me into the room. I took a very trusting step into the room and heard the lights flip on then the door closed.

He kissed me again before saying, “You can open your eyes now, Y/n”

As I did, I noticed the rose petals had followed us into the office, across the floor, and were scattered all over a beautiful bed that had not been there four days ago. I tried to hide my shock, but I felt the flush rise to my cheeks.

Somehow he was behind me, his lips were on my neck and he was placing small kisses where my skin showed there. I shivered under his icy touch.

“You don’t sleep.” my voice was barely audible.

“No, but you do. This is a gift for you.” I turned to him and playfully glared. He just laughed. “Also, it means I get to spend significantly more time with you. It’s a doubly beneficial  situation honestly.”

Though I continued to glare at him, a small smile danced across my lips. I had to admit, I did like his reasoning. While I have slept here a few times, I'd just fallen asleep on the couch in his office before. 

The couch was gone and now, there in its place sat one of the fanciest beds I'd probably ever seen. The dark satin sheets and fluffy pillows looked so enticing. The frame alone probably cost more than three of my paychecks, not that money was a problem for him, being a doctor for like 300 years and all. 

I looked back at the man I'd grown to love and smiled deeply, "It's absolutely lovely, Carlisle." His smile deepened as he leaned in to kiss me. "I'll have to text my dad that I won't be home tonight."

He laughed against my lips before kissing me. Every time he'd kiss me that night it felt like there was a fire building there, but it never led to more than just long make out sessions. I did want more; I think he wanted more too, but I never wanted to press him and he was too much of a gentleman. 

And a vampire.

Which I'm sure played a huge role in the matter of control. 

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, my hands going to his hair. He lifted me with ease and then we were on the bed. He was sitting on the edge and I was then straddling his lap. I giggled and kissed him again, parting my lips. He took the lead and deepened the kiss only for a moment before he pulled back. 

"Mon coeur…" He sighed,  his brow furrowed. "We don't… we never have to do anything you aren't comfortable with." He placed a very small kiss on my lips again.

"I know." I kissed him as he had kissed me "I am very comfortable." Another small kiss before I whispered, "I want to. I just never have…"

He let out a breath I didn't know he was holding and quickly kissed me again. "It would take a considerable amount of control on my part."

"If you don't want-"

"I'm not saying no, Y/n." He brushed my hair behind my ear. His eyes were soft. "I'd never be able to live with myself if I was the cause of your pain, so bare with me, okay? Stop me if it becomes too much."

I kissed him, slow and deliberate this time. "I trust you. I've never trusted anyone the way I trust you." He held my face, scanning my features for a clear sign of consent. If I could scream it from the rooftops I would. I wanted this, wanted him. I trusted him. I loved him.

"I want you to be sure. If-"

"Carlisle?"

"Hmm?" He winced slightly

"Please…" He swore under his breath. Then, kissing me again, his hand found the zipper of my dress.

~~

I definitely could get used to waking up in his arms. I knew he could tell I was awake but I still tried not to stir too much. I wanted to just lay there and absorb this feeling, the dull ache in my muscles left no desire to move. I would have been completely fine not moving ever again. I loved it.

Caving, I leaned up to kiss his nose. "Hmm. Good morning." 

"Good morning, love. How did you sleep?"

"Better than I probably ever have." I giggled and blushed, hiding my face in his chest. Slightly disappointed in myself for actually saying that out loud. "Did you stay here all night?"

He laughed "Not the whole night. Rose called after you fell asleep, and just a bit ago your phone was ringing downstairs so I went to get that for you." He picked it off the end table. 

"Oh no, I completely forgot to text my dad." A shot of panic ran through me as I sat up and grabbed my phone from him.

8 MISSED CALLS FROM Chief Father

5 MESSAGES FROM Chief Father

11:30pm: I'm going to bed assuming you're staying at the Cullens and staying safe.

7:02am: Still haven't heard from you. Are you alive?

7:33am: I know you're an adult but I'd like some kind of response soon.

8:05am: You have an hour before I'm going over there.

8:06am: with guns

It was 8:45. "Crap…" I quickly got out of bed and wrapped myself in his shirt that was wrapped on the corner of the desk. I called him, as fast as I could dial the number.

"Oh, so you are alive." His sarcasm proved his annoyance but there was a hint of relief lying there.

"I'm so sorry, Dad. I meant to text you that I was staying with Carlisle, I just got distracted.”  I leaned against his desk and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to bite back a laugh.

"Ahh that's okay! It's fine." He was desperate to stop me before I said more. I felt Carlisle wrap his arms around me and laugh softly into my hair. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Were you really going to come out here?"

"Well yeah, in like an hour or so. I do trust you, I just worry."

My heart melted a little. "I know, I'm sorry. I'll be sure to text you next time."

"That's all I ask. Love ya, kid." We said the rest of our goodbyes and I looked up at Carlisle who was still chuckling. 

"In my defense," he started "I was under the impression you had already sent him a message."

I glared at him, playfully. "When would I have had time to do that?"

"Okay, that's fair." He lifted my chin to kiss me. "He knows you're safe now, and we still have the house to ourselves for a few hours. Any suggestions on how we should make the time pass?"  implications played in his voice as his hand trailed up the back of my shirt- well, his shirt that I was wearing.

"I might have a few ideas." I pressed my lips to his again and we got lost for a few more hours.

~~

Bella turned 18, ten days after my 21st birthday and she tried very hard to let it go unnoticed.

However, you only turn 18 once, so I felt like it at least deserved to be acknowledged. I worked with Alice to plan Bella a semi surprise party,  I didn't want another prom situation since she hardly talked to me for weeks after that. This time she knew what was happening, we just let Edward take most of the fall.

Soft Jazz music drifted through the house while Alice had me on candle duty. There were pink taper candles on pretty much every surface and she wanted me to light them all.

I danced around the room, twirling from candle to candle, humming along to the music. Carlisle caught me by the waist and spun me into him. He kissed me softly and I couldn't help laughing with him.

"Ya know, I think I could get used to seeing my old man this happy." A familiar woodsy voice called from the doorway.

"Emmett!" I laughed and pulled away from Carlisle to run and hug him. He and Rosalie had traveled to Africa after their graduation and I had missed his presence. Despite Rosalie's displeasure, Emmett had grown to really enjoy hanging out with Bella and me. "I didn't know you were coming into town.” I looked toward Rosalie, who was still in the doorway and smiled at her. "It's really nice of you."

She nodded once, I knew it was hard for her. She hated what she had become and although I couldn't agree with her, I respected her for wanting better for us. She didn’t dislike me as much, mostly because I didn’t beg to be turned on a regular basis. I only wished she wouldn't be so hateful about it towards Bella. 

"I just wish we could have made it back in time for your birthday." She added.

"It's totally fine."  I assured them as Carlisle wrapped one of his arms around my waist. It was extremely comforting, I'd grown to love his family like my own and when he stood next to me and held me, even in front of Rose, it felt like he was proud to have me there.

"We bought you a present, since we couldn't make it." Rose smiled at me. It didn't feel forced, I think she did want to like me. She handed me a very neatly wrapped box and I knew it was mostly from her. The paper was shiny gold with a black ribbon and I almost didn't want to damage it. "It's a ceramic tea set from the town we were staying in. There's a family who makes them by hand."

I unwrapped it as she was explaining "It's truly lovely, Rose. Thank you." She smiled at me and I walked to the kitchen table to set the beautiful tea set down safely. 

"Oh! Y/n did you get the key to Bella's truck?" Emmett called after me.

"Yep!" I tossed him the keys and he barely looked before catching them with ease. Being surrounded by vampires had its perks sometimes. 

When they all turned to face the door I knew that Bella and Edward were there, I was just the only one who didn't hear them pull in. Alice's face was bright with excitement, she had Jasper put on a more modern and up beat CD before they walked in.

I couldn't help but smile at Bella's face as she took in the room; she winced like she was in physical pain.

I hugged her anyway and pulled her into the room. Carlisle hugged her as well. "I have to apologize for all of this, Bella. We couldn’t rein Alice in." He laughed under his breath. There was never a chance of that anyway. We all knew that very well.

Bell's eyes drifted to Rosalie and Emmett and softened a bit. I knew she'd be happy to see them. Rose didn't shift at all but Emmett just looked happy to be there.

"You haven't changed at all." Emmett said with mock disappointment. "I expected a perceptive difference, but here you are, red faced just like always."

"Thanks a lot Emmett." Her face got even more red.

He laughed and tapped the key in his pocket . "Well, I have to step out for a second."- he paused to wink at Alice. Bella totally saw, but she didn't say anything, I laughed softly under my breath. "Don't do anything funny while I'm gone." He pointed at Bella.

"I'll try." She said through a laugh.

Alice and Jasper stood on the other side of the room. Alice skipped across the room to meet Bella and Jasper stayed leaning against the stair railing. Resisting human blood was still hard for him, even now he kept his distance from us. He was still trying his best.

"It's time to open presents," Alice spoke in a floaty voice, probably to distract Bella from Emmetts shenanigans. She pulled Bella towards the piano, which didn't really have that many presents on it.

"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything." She was dragging her feet. 

"I listened." I piped up but she still glared at me. "I may have given Carlisle an idea, but I spent no money." She didn't want me to get her a gift. She said it because she didn't get me one, and if I got her one then she'd look rude, but I think it's because she didn't want to celebrate. 

"I didn't listen." Alice added placing a small box in Bella's hands. "Open it."

That was the empty box from Rose, Emmett and Jasper. Once she got it open I could tell she was trying to hide her confusion. 

"Uhm... thanks?”

I pressed my lips to Carlisle's shoulder to hide my smile, giggling softly. Rosalie actually cracked a smile.

"It's a stereo for your truck." Jasper grinned from across the room. "Emmett is installing it as we speak.” She thanked them, calling loudly to Emmett. His booming laughter reached in here from Bella's truck.

I smiled up at Carlisle, whose arm was still wrapped around me. I reached up to kiss him, my hand cupping his cheek, his smile growing as his eyes met mine. I wrapped myself up in the feeling of family in the room. I never noticed she had started to open Alice and Edwards present.

I didn't have time to react when she cut her finger.

It all happened in a flash. I was smiling at Carlisle, then he was gone. I heard glass shatter across the room and I watched Edward and Emmett throw themselves at Jasper. 

Jasper tried to get away from them. He tried, and thankfully failed, to break Emmetts grip to get to Bella. Bella, who was now on the floor. Edward moved to crouch over her, holding the spot on her arm that had somehow been cut. The glass shattering, I figured.

I tried to appear as small as I could; I wanted to be invisible, if it was possible. The shock was setting in, I could feel the panic. I heard them say things I couldn't process. I didn't move, I didn't breathe.

Carlisle somehow remained calm. Even as Emmett dragged a growling Jasper from the room.

"Let me by, Edward." He murmured. His voice was clear, and the only one I could hear amidst the noise. Edward's stance over my sister didn't change. He was protecting her from even his father; which probably would have been endearing in any other circumstance.

Once Edward relaxed a little, Carlisle knelt next to Bella and examined the wound on her arm. It was huge and bleeding a lot. Alice tried to hand him a towel, but he shook his head. "There's too much glass in the wound." He made a tourniquet with a scrap of table cloth. Bella looked like at any  point she would barf, or faint… or both.

I still couldn't move. I wanted them to focus on her. I wanted them to forget I was there at all.

"Bella," his voice was still soft and clear. "Do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like for me to take care of it here." I panicked briefly, thinking about Dad.

"Here, please." She sounded distant. She must have been thinking about Dad too. If he found out what happened, he'd have questions. I knew because I had questions and I was here. I still didn't know how to answer any of them.

"I'll get your bag."

"Lets get her to the kitchen table," then they were there. "How are you doing Bella?"

"I'm fine," the steadiness in her voice was almost comforting.

I looked at the scene around me and tried, for the first time, to assess the situation. Though it had just happened, I felt completely zoned out. Then Edward was gone and Alice ran an apologetic hand down my arm as she also left the room.

I stood there in the center of the room looking at all the scattered roses and broken glass and blood, very much still in shock, but trying to power through it. I let out a shaky breath and took a few steps towards them, only pausing when Carlisle’s head snapped sharply to me. As if he had only just noticed I was still there.

“Y/n” my name rolled off his tongue like he breathed it. So much concern painted his features.

“I’m fine… I‘m right here.” Even my voice sounded distant. He was not convinced, but he nodded once and focused back on Bella’s arm.

I think he was always afraid I would snap out of the comfortable illusion I had painted for myself and run away from him. I’m sure that today's events had set that belief in. I think, for a normal person, it would have driven them away.

But I was a Swan and I fell in love with a vampire, nothing here was normal.

And of course this was Bella. A perpetual danger magnet even on the best days. Even on her birthday she managed to nearly die.

Bella sighed, “I can clear a room at least.”

“It’s not your fault,” He chuckled softly. “It could happen to anyone.”

“ Could. ” Bella repeated, “ But it usually just happens to me.”

He laughed again, glancing quickly at me. He’d ask me 100 times tonight if I was truly alright. I didn’t really know how to reassure him if I didn’t know that I was alright; I was still in shock.

I walked over to the table where Bella was sitting and grabbed her free hand. I gave it a soft, comforting squeeze. Her gaze drifted from me to Carlisle's face, like she was studying the two of us.

“How can you do this?” she asked. “Even Alice and Edward…” She trailed off, shaking the thought from her head. Carlisle was the only one with complete control of his thirst.

“Years and years of practice.” He admitted. “I barely notice the scent anymore.”

“Even with her?” she mentioned me like I wasn’t in the room, but her grip remained firm on my hand. His eyes floated to my face and he smiled a little.

“With Y/n, there's a few extra challenges.” I couldn’t help but blush softly. “Her scent isn’t as strong as yours, but there are a few added desires .” 

Bella nodded as if she understood the hidden meaning to his words. I looked down at where our hands were intertwined, smiling softly. My face was red hot. 

Since my birthday we hadn’t been able to keep our hands to ourselves. We were both fully indulging in those ‘added desires’.

“It’s just Edward…” she shook her head again. “ Do you think it would be harder if you took a vacation from the hospital for a long time? And weren’t around blood?”

“Maybe,” He shrugged while his hands remained steady. “I’ve never felt the need for an extended holiday.” a smile crossed his face and I fell for him all over again. “I enjoy my work too much.”

“What is it that you enjoy?” I think she was trying to distract herself from what he was doing with her arm. He seemed to think about it for a moment.

“Hmm. What I enjoy most is when my… enhanced abilities help me save someone who would otherwise have been lost. It’s pleasant knowing that, thanks to what I can do, some people's lives are better because I exist. Even the sense of smell is a useful diagnostic tool at times.”

I tried to smile at him, my voice still didn't sound much like my own. “Your existence makes my life better.”

“And yours mine.” His smile was soft, his voice had more confidence.

“It’s not like you asked for this. I think you try too hard to make up for something that was never your fault. You didn’t choose this life and yet, you work so hard to be good. It’s admirable.” I suggested this just to keep Bella distracted. He knew I loved this about him. He never stopped making an effort to be more than the ‘monster’ he believed he became. I didn’t have to tell him that there was no way he could ever be a monster; he knew how I felt, but I wanted Bella to see him this way too. 

“I don’t think I’m making up for anything,” he disagreed lightly “Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given.”

“That makes it sound too easy.” Bella sided with me, it was hard not to.

He looked back at her arm. “There, all done” He was covering her arm in iodine. The smell was worse than the blood, but probably not for them. I looked around the room again.

“In the beginning though,” She pressed. “Why did you even think to try a different way than the obvious one?”

His smile changed to a more private one “Hasn’t Edward told you this story?”

I had heard this story. His face was on me again as I stood. “I’m going to clean up.” I barely whispered before pressing a kiss to his cheek.

I zoned out while he retold his origin story to Bella. I grabbed baking soda and white vinegar from under the kitchen sink then the bleach from the bathroom closet and went back to the main room.

I swept up the glass on the floor, making sure to double bag it before getting to work on the floor. The baking soda and vinegar got out most of the stain. I used the bleach to finish the job, hoping it would cover the smell, even for them. It took a few minutes, but as I was finishing, Edward came in the door. HIs hands in his pockets.

“Thank you. It helps quite a bit actually.” I knew he’d heard the question in my thoughts. His gift only affected me sometimes. There were times when I really didn’t want him in my head though, and then, somehow, he wouldn’t be able to hear my thoughts. They had running bets on the reason. I told them I didn’t want to know, but I was thankful that I got to keep some form of privacy. 

“No problem.” I looked over his shoulder and out the open front door. 

“They’ll be out for the night.” He shut the door behind him. His eyes met mine and a look crossed his features that looked pained, or confused… or constipated. His brows furrowed as he said, “I’ve always feared this. Carlisle does too, if he’s never told you. Either of you getting hurt, because of what we are.” 

Carlisle hadn’t told me. I had kind of suspected, I guess. Bella and I spent our lives with one of the human world's most dangerous predators. I knew that he feared that I would be afraid of him. I’d never really considered that I should be afraid, until tonight.

“Exactly.” I heard Edward mumble before he went into the room where I had left Bella and Carlisle. I stayed and finished the last bit of sweeping and mopping. He was only in there for a few moments before drifting through the room and going back outside.

“It’s not his fault.” Bella spoke to them, trailing slowly behind them.

“It’s not yours, either.” Carlisle countered. I couldn’t help but agree with him.

Her eyes drifted from his face to the floor then to me. I was still holding the mop but the work was done. “Y/n, Let me do that.” She blushed and moved towards me. 

“It’s already done, Bells.” I smiled softly at her and then at Carlisle for confirmation. He nodded once and mouthed a ‘thank you’. I was just glad that I could help them. I glanced back at Bella and asked. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. Carlisle sews faster than any doctor I’ve had” She huffed a laugh but it sounded forced. I think the gravity of the situation was starting to weigh on her.

I stepped over to Carlisle and wrapped an arm around his waist. He kissed my hair and I felt more than heard the ‘thank you’ he whispered there as well. Alice and Edward came back in. Alice going to Bella’s side and Edward lingering by the door.

“Come on,” Alice said. “I’ll get you something less macabre to wear.” She all but floated out of the room with Bella. 

Once they were out of the room it was clear that Edward and Carlisle were speaking through his thoughts. Edward nodded here and shook his head there. I tried not to let the panic set in. I bounced on the balls of my feet and stole a glance at Carlisle’s face. Edward shook his head in response to something and Carlisle seemed almost angry.

The worry grew in my chest and I knew that I would break soon. Carlisle simply kissed the top of my hair to soothe some of the worry away. 

Edward shook his head again, clearly growing more annoyed and went to the front door. Bella and Alice came back downstairs and I glanced at Alice. She looked tired, I glanced around the room at all of them. They all look tired; I don’t think I’d ever seen them look so tired. 

I could only imagine how I looked. 

Edward held open the door for her. “Take your things!” Alice floated the rest of the way downstairs and handed them off to her. “You can thank me later when you've opened them.”

“Goodnight Bella, Happy Birthday again…” Carlisle called after them.

“I’ll… Uhm, I’ll meet you at the house.” I whispered, though I knew they could hear me. I just hoped Edward didn’t read my thoughts and know how long I planned on staying. I craved the comfort that only Carlisle could give. I wanted to stay as long as he’d let me. Bella just nodded and slipped out. Alice went out the back, presumably to be with Jasper. 

Just me and Carlisle stood in the room. 

“We should go get your things…” He said and took my hand, leading me up the stairs. When we were in his room and the door was closed behind us. He turned to me and asked softly “Are you alright, Cara?” and I just fell apart.

There in the room, I felt like I had nothing to hide and the panic washed over me, no longer feeling the need to hold myself together. He wrapped me up in his arms and carried me to the bed. 

He held me there until the shaking stopped. He kissed my tears away and brushed the hair behind my ear. He mumbled more apologies in the space where my neck met my shoulder between kisses. I didn’t even know why I was crying. I was fine, Bella was fine, and yet, the panic held on to me.

I knew the worst was over and yet I couldn’t shake the impending doom.

“I… why do I feel like everything is… wrong now, somehow?” I mumbled.

“I’m so sorry, Y/n. You should have never been put into this situation. I understand why you’re scared-”

“I’m not-”

“You should be. You could have easily been hurt. Every second you spend in our world you’re in danger. I wish I could protect you from it all, but I don't know how.” As he spoke his voice got more and more soft. His eyes held a cold I’d never seen in him before.

I could feel my heart breaking.

I watched his break too.

We were both quiet for a long time. I broke the silence first “I’m not scared of you, Carlisle. I’ve only ever felt safe with you.”

He sighed and kissed my forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you.” I added.

“Are you feeling better? I should get you home.”

“I suppose…”

Without saying another word, he helped me up and I grabbed my overnight bag. I knew it would be easier on his family if I wasn’t here when they got back. I didn’t say it outloud though. He would have told me not to worry about them.

I hated how much this part hurt.

We drove home and the car ride was mostly silent. Soft jazz music played from the radio. I hummed along to the songs I’d grown to love. He smiled softly at me from time to time, he brought my hand to his lips. When we turned into the driveway my eyes met his. The porch light was on and the light came through the heavily tinted windshield. I could still see the worry painting his features. 

I gave his hand a soft squeeze, “I’ll see you tomorrow?” I didn’t mean for it to sound so much like a question.

He nodded. “I’ll swing by the cafe after work.” His words didn’t soothe my worry much. “I love you, Y/n”

“I love you… So so much.” I kissed him softly. I wanted it to make me feel normal. It didn’t do much to calm the feeling that everything was off still.

His hand rested on my cheek as he kissed me back, like he also needed it.

I pulled back and nodded. “Tomorrow then.”

“Tomorrow.”

I got out of the car and headed inside. Waving one more time as he pulled out of the driveway.

Dad was asleep on the couch. Most of the lights in the house were off. The tv played some rerun of a game. I shut it off and pulled a blanket up over dad. I kissed his head then headed upstairs. 

Bella’s light was also off, though there was the faint glow from her lamp. I shut my door loud enough for her to hear and know I was home. 

I didn’t turn my light on; I didn’t change.

I just curled up in my bed and prayed for an ounce of normalcy.

I don't think I slept at all.

~~

I heard Bella leave for school the next morning. I heard dad in the shower getting ready for work. I opened my eyes and saw the soft gray light coming through the window. I watched the rain drops for a while until I finally convinced myself to get up and go downstairs.

I started making breakfast for Dad. I fried eggs and bacon and made some toast. I couldn’t bring myself to eat, but I made myself a glass of orange juice.

“Morning kiddo.” I jumped at the sound of his voice and the glass fell to the floor, completely shattering on impact.

“Shit… Dad… Sorry.” I got the broom and started sweeping up the glass. He laughed at my clumsiness.

“You don't have to apologize. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He held up the dust pan for me. “I’ve been down here for a minute. You didn’t notice?”

“Oh, uhm, No?” I blushed, slightly embarrassed. “I was lost in thought I guess.”

“Sure.” he took the glass and dumped it in the trash. The sound made me shiver. “How was the party?”

“Fine. You know how Bella is though, they spent money, she acted grateful while they were in the room, complained when they left.” 

“What happened to her arm?” I winced. I knew that was coming.

“She fell. I swear, she can take the smallest thing and turn it into life or death.” I forced a laugh. He didn’t need to know how truthful I was being. “Carlisle cleaned her up though. No big deal.” I shrugged and smiled at him. 

“Well, thank him for me.” He sat down and started eating. I made another glass of juice then started the dishes. 

A minute or so later he kissed my head and left for work. If he said anything else, I didn’t hear him.

I was alone with my thoughts for most of the day after that. Both Dad and Bella had work but I didn’t go in until 8, so I just floated around the house trying to stay busy. 

Then It was 7:30, and I’d lost track of time. Everything still felt off.

I hoped that seeing Carlisle at work would help. I slid my shoes on, grabbed my apron and headed to the cafe.

~~

Carlisle’s Point of View

Edward made it very clear.

We had to leave.

I had finally found the one thing that made me feel alive again and yet there stood a gap between what I truly wanted and what my family believed was right.

If I looked at this from purely a safety standpoint, it made sense. Bella would never be safe as long as she was human. If I had any say she wouldn’t still be human, she would have turned the night James bit her. She would be safe, and we wouldn’t have to leave.

It would save all of us this pain. Not to mention it's what she wants anyway. It wasn’t my place to make that kind of decision for them. If we weren’t going to change Bella, logically I knew she’d only be safe if we left. I did not feel the same about Y/n. 

Y/n was very different then Bella in many ways. Mostly in the way that Y/n had some self preservation skills. When Jasper lost control, it was as if she wasn’t even in the room. Victoria and James never thought twice about her. 

I couldn’t… I wouldn’t just leave her behind.

I decided to go with them for Edward and Alice's sake. She would see my decision to go with them and be content enough to not press, but I could leave clues for Y/n. Alice would only see it when she decided to come find me, then I’d explain myself to the family. I could leave clues and hide my thoughts from Edward and when she knew, she’d come find me again. 

I could live knowing that, in the end, it was her decision. She had every right to choose her own fate. I would always respect her choice.

However if I saw her tonight, I wouldn’t be strong enough to leave. She’d also see right through me. I couldn’t go and pretend everything was alright. I couldn’t lie to her. 

I hadn’t noticed I was pacing. My steps were hardly audible as I crossed the office over and over. From the other side of the room I stared at the bed I had bought her, solely so she could be more comfortable when she stayed over. 

Even when I’d laid with her, though normally such an act would put her in great danger, she kept me grounded. With me, I knew she was safe. The idea of abandoning her, even knowing that I wasn’t really, made my heart ache in a way I’d no longer thought possible.

I flashed across the room and sat on the edge of the bed. Her scent lingered in the sheets, like she was still sleeping there. I breathed in deeply, taking in the smell of the woman I loved. She always smelled like warm honey and damp earth. Like the sweetest parts of the only home she had ever known.

Like the first place I felt I truly belonged since the loss of Esme. 

And now we had to leave it. To protect Bella and Y/n. We had to leave. 

It made perfect sense.

~~

She was very understanding when I called to tell her I wouldn’t be at the cafe. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I hated it, but I made dinner plans with her anyway.

I reserved a table at the quaint restaurant in Port Angeles. I’d taken her there on a few dates and for her birthday. I told her I would meet her there, she needed to have her car to drive herself home.

That was the first bread crumb. The first little clue, so she knew what was coming. So she’d look for more. Next, the key to the house, the ‘plants in the office’, the letter, the plane tickets, the money. All left for her to find, so she could find them and choose to look for more. She could choose to find me; so she could choose me. I wrote her the letter and left it on my desk. I couldn’t leave it in her possession, Edward would be too thorough. Everywhere but the house itself, he’d make sure there was no trace of us. I’d give her a key to the house.

I would get there before her, get a table, explain why we had to leave, and she’d see through it. She would follow the trail I’d left for her. She just had too.

Alice wouldn’t see it til Y/n made the choice for herself. I’d force myself to think about other things until Edward was gone. 

She’d find the letter after we were gone. It would explain everything. With the letter she’d find the tickets.

I hoped she would choose to find me too.

~~

Y/n’s Point of View

The air felt wrong. I think Bella could feel it too.

The events of Bella’s birthday affected us all pretty hard. Alice and Jasper left that night, not saying where they were going, I just assumed they flew up to Denali. Edward wasn’t at the house much and felt distant. Carlisle was… Well…

He was acting completely normal, calm and collected. It just felt… off. 

Still, I got ready for the dinner he had planned. I pulled my hair out of my face and I hoped for the best.

I saw his car as soon as I pulled into the parking lot. I parked in the spot next to him and cut the engine. I sat there for a second trying to breathe, trying to calm my nerves, even though I didn’t know why I was nervous in the first place. 

He opened my door for me and I hugged him like I always did. The kiss he gave me was slow and deliberate. He held my face in his hands even after he broke away. He rested his forehead against mine.

I couldn’t tell why, but it was all starting to feel like a goodbye.

I shuddered at the thought and hoped it couldn’t be. It very easily could have been.

“I know you like this place. I’ve already gotten us a table.”

“Oh, good.” I stepped back and took his hand. He led us inside. He felt normal, The restaurant felt normal. Hell, even this date, if that’s what it was, felt totally normal. 

Yet the dread still loomed there like a bad aftertaste of a single bad night.

The hostess took us to the table and asked for our drinks. I got a cabernet. He, of course, got a black coffee. Yea, totally normal.

I didn’t look at the menu, I didn’t want to take my eyes off of him. When the waitress came back with our drinks he told her we would need some privacy. 

The air left my lungs.

“Y/n…” He started. His hand reached across the table to hold mine, and he gave my hand a soft squeeze. I didn’t say anything, I just couldn’t. “We’re leaving.”

This really was a goodbye.

He continued, “Most of the others are already gone. Edward is saying his goodbyes to Bella…” Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye . It rang in my head. I didn’t move, couldn’t move . “Edward thinks it would be safer for Bella, if we weren’t around.” 

I thought I heard a slight pitch in his voice, a hesitation in the way he phrased that.

It was just the tiniest glimmer of hope. “ Edward ?” Not Carlisle.

He shook his head, not him. Edward. “We’re not good for Bella.”

“Bella?” not me. My voice still shook. He nodded. Not me, Bella. Not him, Edward. This didn’t have to be about us. “But you’re leaving too?”

“Yes… I have to go as well. It’s for the best, Y/n.” I scanned his features. I tried to find the meaning of his words, like they would somehow be clearer if I looked deep enough in his eyes. This all felt so wrong. “What happened with Jasper-”

“Was nothing. Everything is fine.”

“It’s not fine. Bella… and You- you shouldn’t be in that kind of danger. I’ve never wanted that for you.” I thought I heard his voice break, but I don’t think that’s possible.

A moment of silence passed as I looked into his soft golden eyes. I tried to convince myself to breathe. “Don’t, don’t do this.” My voice definitely did break. I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

“I have to, Y/n. For Edward and Alice. For Bella. For you.” He took a deep breath. It reminded me to do the same, though mine was much more shaky. “Bella will never be safe. As long as she's human. As long as we’re around. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.”

“Nothing happened.”

“This time.” he sighed “We have to leave.” he said again, I just nodded as more tears fell. “I’ll always love you, Y/n. This doesn’t change that. Nothing ever could change that.”

I shivered. I wasn’t cold but I couldn’t stop shaking. I nodded anyway, my voice barely audible, “What now?”

“Now I leave-” he took some money from his wallet and set it on the table. It was way more than the cost of our drinks. Then he stood. I didn’t trust my legs to hold me up, I didn’t move. “If you don’t mind, could you do something for me?” I’m sure he saw the confusion on my face, he held out a key to me. “This is the key to the house. It’s yours, as long as you want it. I’ve got some plants in my office-” he almost looked like he was in pain, like he didn’t want to ask. “They’ll need to be watered.”

I let out a short humorless laugh “Sure.” I didn’t move to take the key, so he placed it on the table next to me. My eyes met his again and I felt the pain spread through my chest. I could see how sad he truly was, maybe if vampires could cry he’d even shed a tear. I could feel the last goodbye coming.

He kissed my forehead. My eyes fluttered closed. I held on tightly to his hand like that would keep him from going. “Please… Stay safe, Cara.”

I couldn’t move, my eyes stayed closed, and tears stained my cheeks. If I was kidding myself, I would have sworn he said ‘I love you’ into my hair. Could have felt the goodbye he placed there.

But then my hand was empty.

And he was gone, truly gone.   

Some time later, though I had no real perception on how much, the waitress came back to the table. “Are you alright, sweetie?”

I didn’t look up at her, just shook my head. “Could you bring the bottle?” I request, gesturing to the now empty glass of cabernet.

“Sure.”

When she came back I handed her the cash, her eyes went wide at the amount. I hadn’t bothered to see how much there was. “You can keep the rest. I won’t need anything else.”

If she said something else, I didn’t hear her. I sat in the corner of the restaurant. I watched as normal people came and went, regular families eating dinner, cute couples on dates, while I was frozen in place.  I wanted to believe that if I sat there long enough- if I blinked enough times- he’d still be sitting in front of me and none of it would have been real.

Tears ran down my cheeks. The sun set. I didn’t move.

The waitress came back. I didn’t hear what she said. I waited a moment, a small “Hmm?” was all I could manage. 

“Oh, we're closing.” her voice was soft and filled with pity. I cringed.

“Right… Sorry.” I stood. Surprisingly my legs held.

She looked apologetic immediately. “No, it’s okay. Just, get home safe, alright?”

I nodded and mumbled my thanks. I managed to get to my car and just sat in it for a second. My tears had stopped, but the pain in my chest grew with every breath. Besides that pain, I was completely numb, almost lifeless somehow. 

In the quiet of my car I could hear my phone ringing. It was after 10pm. I had 16 missed calls from Dad, and he was calling again.

“Y/n” He was panicking. 

“Dad, sorry I left my phone-”

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine…” It was a lie. I’m sure he knew that, but he didn’t press the issue. I just wanted to calm him down, the panic in his voice was enough to sober anyone. “What’s wrong?”

“Have you seen your sister?” he was still frantic.

“No? Not since she left for school.” I started my car. Edward must be gone. I didn’t know where she would have gone, but I needed to help Dad find her. 

“Her truck was here, but the door was locked. There was a note, but I just can’t find her anywhere.”

“I’ll be there soon. I’m in Port Angeles.” I’d be at least 40 minutes.

“Be safe, I love you.” My chest ached.

“I will. I love you too, Dad.” Once he hung up I drove as fast as I could within legal limits. I was too much of a mess to get pulled over.

When I got to the house, there were over around ten cars in the driveway. Dad had a map of the forests near our house spread out on the hood of his cruiser. He hugged me tight when I got up to him. I tried not to flinch away when he kissed the top of my head. I couldn’t stop the tears that fell.

“They’re really gone?” I couldn’t answer. I just nodded. He hugged me tighter. Billy and Harry exchanged a look that I tried to ignore.

“We’ll find her, Charlie.” Harry said.

“They wouldn’t have taken her wit-”

“No,” I cut him off. “No, they went alone.” 

“And he just left her in the woods?”

“We don’t know the whole story.” I tried. Billy scoffed. I wanted to punch him. 

I didn’t, I just let the silence surround us and tried to focus on the mumbles and police code over Dad's walkie. I think hours passed by in a hazy fog.

Then I saw Sam Uley. I could barely process anything, though I heard him say she wasn’t hurt.

“- she just keeps saying ‘he’s gone’”

He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone .

She wasn’t saying it anymore, but I could hear it in my head. A broken record that could only play, “He’s gone, He’s gone, He’s gone” and “Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye .”

Dad took Bella from Sam and pulled her into the house. I followed a few steps behind. Dad wrapped her up in his jacket on the couch. He gave some of the boys directions to where the spare blankets are kept, but I waved them off, opting to get them myself.

All of these people were here to find Bella. And me, I guess; had I never answered my phone. I handed the blankets to Dad as she confirmed she wasn’t hurt, she’d just gotten lost in the woods. 

The doctor left, the volunteers left. Bella hardly moved. I gave Dad the other blanket I had grabbed, knowing that as long as she was down here he’d stay here too.

“Go to bed, sweetheart. I’ve got her.” He said as he settled into the recliner.

“I will…” my voice was flat. The phone rang again, Dad moved to get it, but I was faster. “I’ll get it, just… rest.” 

A classmate of Bella, Laura, Lauren maybe? She did sound concerned, but also nosey somehow. 

“She’s fine, she just got lost; we’ve found her.” I repeated this to everyone who called. The phone rang on and off for a while. Once it got too late- or early, I guess- the calls stopped. I went back to the living room and sat on the floor. I sat directly in front of the window, pressing my face to the cool glass. I didn’t sleep, didn’t move; I  just watched the sunrise on a day I wasn’t prepared for.

The day felt like it was mocking me; because of course it would rain today. I wondered if they planned that. It was a Saturday, too. Bella didn’t have to go to school or work, I didn’t work. They probably wanted to make it easier. It wasn’t.

After some time, the phone rang again. This time Dad was up and to the phone faster than I could get there. 

“Where?” he paused. “you're sure it’s outside the reservation… But what could be burning out there?” He sounded both worried and mystified. Bella started to stir a little. “Look, I'll call down there and check it out.”

He hung up and called another number, his hand pinching the bridge of his nose as it rang. I could tell Bella was awake now, and listening too.

“Hey, Billy, it’s Charlie- I’m sorry I’m calling so early… no, she’s fine. She’s sleeping… Thanks, but that's not why I called. I just got a call from Mrs. Stanley, and she says from her second-story window she can see fires out on the sea cliffs, but I didn’t really… Oh!” He suddenly seemed much more annoyed than he was before. “And why are they doing that? Uh huh. Really?” He said it sarcastically. “Well, don’t apologize to me .  Yeah, yeah. Just make sure the flames don’t spread… I know, I know, I’m surprised they got it lit at all in this weather.”

Dad got quiet again before adding, “Thanks for sending Sam and the other boys up. You were right- They do know the forest better than we do. It was Sam who found her, so I owe you one… Yeah  I’ll talk to you later,” he agreed, still sour, before hanging up.

He muttered to himself as he walked back in the living room.

“What’s wrong?” Bella’s voice startled us both. He hurried to her side.

“I’m sorry I woke you, honey.”

“Is something burning?”

“It's nothing,” he pushed some hair out of her face. “Just some bonfires out on the cliffs.”

“Bonfires?” I knew she wanted him to clarify, but there was no inflection in her voice. She didn’t even sound alive.

“Some kids from the reservation being rowdy,” He tried to explain, the irritation still in his voice.

“Why?” She pushed. 

I could tell he didn’t want to answer, His eyes danced between her and the floor and over to me. “They’re celebrating the news.”

I let out a bitter laugh. Of course they were. I grew up around these people, but who cares about that. The vampires left town, what else did I expect the werewolves to do? Maybe I thought they’d be a bit more polite about their victory, but clearly I was wrong.

“Because the Cullens left,” Bella barely mumbled. “They don’t like the Cullens in La Push- I’d forgotten about that.”

I silently started to cry again. Neither of them noticed. I needed to stop thinking about them. The pain was nearly unbearable. 

“It’s ridiculous,” Dad spluttered.

There was a long silence before he spoke again, “Bella?” Her eyes drift from the window behind me to his face. “He left you alone in the woods?”

“How did you know where to find me?” She deflected.

“Your note… When you didn’t come back, I called the Cullens and no one answered. Then I called the hospital, and Doctor Gerandy told me that Carlisle was gone.” His name still took my breath away. Bella’s eyes shot to me. I wiped away the tears that fell.

Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye .

He’s gone, He’s gone, He’s. Gone.

“Where did he go?” Her eyes didn’t leave my face. I wasn’t sure who she was asking, but Dad answered.

“Edward didn’t tell you?” Bella winced, clearly in the same pain I was. Dad looked at me. I shrugged and shook my head. “Carlisle took a job with a big hospital in Los Angeles. I guess they threw a lot of money at him.”

I sighed, there was no way they really went to California. That was just the cover story.

“I want to know if Edward left you alone out there in the middle of the woods,” Dad insisted.

She grimaced again, shaking her head. “It was my fault. He left me right here on the trail, in sight of the house… but I tried to follow him.”

Teenagers… I shook my head. At least Carlisle had the sense to leave me in a public place. More pain shot through my chest.

Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.

He’s gone, He’s gone, He’s. Gone .

Dad tried to say something again. “I can’t talk about this anymore, Dad. I want to go to my room.” Then she shot off the couch and up the stairs.

“Y/n…” I looked at him, he hadn’t moved from the crouch. “Why would they just leave like this? Didn't they know how hard it would be on her?” I raised my eyebrows and his questioning. “And you. God, honey, I’m so sorry…”

I shrugged. There was some shuffling upstairs in Bella's room, I heard the creek of the floorboards, then silence.

“We should give her some space.” I mumbled.

“What about you?” His voice was soft, comforting almost. 

“I… I don't know.” I barely recognized the monotonous drone mine had become. 

“Space, then.”

I nodded “Space.” He moved to kiss my head, then sat back in the chair. 

Without another word, I drifted upstairs to my own room. The door was cracked just a bit. I pushed it open slowly, as if I expected he would be in there.

He wasn’t; of course he wasn’t.

The polaroid Emmett took over the summer, of me and Carlisle dancing in the rain, was no longer on my bedside table. I shut the door behind me needing to lean against it for support. The weight of the day brought me to the floor.

I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

He’s gone, He’s gone, He’s. Gone .

Goodbye…

Part Two <3

Taglist

@jakanddexter67 @a-not-so-poetic-poet @bridge597 @cestlavie03 @gaymazinglula

(I know like two more people asked but I can't for the life of me find where, so if I left you out I'm so sorry and I will add you to the next one. <3)

[hojiteaversion]

DLS Characters As Electra Heart Songs

Bubblegum Bitch: Noe

Primadonna: Mehmed is by far the funniest option

Lies: Vlad in the Vlad + Mehmed route, but Laia chooses Mehmed in the end

Homewrecker: Noe. Man had one mission in season 1 and that mission was chaos and divorce

Starring Role: Noe x Laia

The State of Dreaming: Lale

Power & Control: MEHMED X LALE

Living Dead: Vlad

Teen Idle: Vlad (1444-1476 edition)

Valley of the Dolls: SANDRA (having to live with Alexandra's choices, which basically destroyed Sandra's life and remolded it into her past incarnation's wishes)

Hypocrates: MEHMED X LALE

Fear and Loathing: Post-therapy Vlad

How to Be a Heartbreaker: Noe, of course

Radioactive: Mehmed x Lale (they're so divorced, I love them)

Sex Yeah: Lale (please understand the Vision 🤌)

Buy the Stars: Lale @ Mehmed as she dies 👍

Lonely Hearts Club: Season 2 Laia (in Vlad's route)

E.V.O.L.: MEHMED X MC

Electra Heart: Vlad blasts this in one of his New Moon Bella, Clock Tower Depression eras

[esmethenightdemon]

im kinda back in my twilight phase and how little smeyer goes into her actually really interesting themes or makes lets say interesting choices with them annoys the HELL outta me. she brings up aging, damnation, abortion, trauma/ptsd, and redemption and just never elaborates! or if she does its not to a satisfying degree!

 bella is desperate to become a vampire and obsesses over not wanting to be older than edward and we’re told that its also because her grandmother has alzheimer's (this was never mentioned in the movies) but god we could have gotten more than just that. its a complex topic that a lot of people struggle with and having more of her outward feelings reflect that would have been amazing. 

carlisle was literally the son of a pastor and his religious upbringing was obviously integral to his feelings about being a vampire. edward doesn’t want bella to be a vampire because he doesn’t want to damn her. its mentioned that vampires go to hell but also don’t have souls? its confusing which 1- if you’re gonna make a point of adding this in, make it clear, 2- she had soooo many mormon beliefs in her book and she didn’t get this one thing right??? and 3- carlisle not only supported bella in becoming a vampire but changed many people himself. this was a directly selfish act in both regards and confuses me a lot. maybe its been a hot minute since i read the books but given how badly he tried to kill himself when he became a vampire due to his religious upbringing and ‘hunts’, you really think he’d stop after edward huh? or that it would be more important to him at the very least. i don’t know. i genuinely love carlisle as a character, he’s one of my favorites, but smeyer made some odd choices regarding him and vampire damnation. 

i know abortion is a hot button topic right now, but even back when she wrote the twilight saga smeyer had a choice comments on abortion, especially the ‘fetus vs baby’ conversation that's brought up often. i’ll get more into this with the trauma/ptsd bit, but mormons are a patriarchal bunch and abortion is only allowed if the mother’s life is threatened. they also have a deep emphasis on family, and bella sacrificing herself for renesmee and coming back as a vampire was her ‘rebirth’ into her perfect form with eternal life and the perfect family. but i digress. obviously here bella’s life is in danger, and smeyer herself has said (outside the books i might add) that her not aborting was her choice and therefore a feminist act. i....do not know what to say about that as i am pro choice, but calling it a feminist act is a stretch. there is often talk of abortion in breaking dawn but the complete lack of any argument or discussion about it past bella’s choice and ‘fetus vs baby’ bothers me. this is really subjective of course but for me personally, i think this should have been a deeper discussion. 

onto trauma. most of the trauma of this series is laid squarely on the women of this series. bella is scarred from james’s attack on her and edward leaving, rosalie was gangraped and had a normal life ripped away from her, esme tried to kill herself after the loss of her child, emily was attacked and scarred, and alice was driven out by her family and community into an asylum where she was forgotten received so much electroshock therapy that she developed amnesia. you could also argue that carlisle was traumatized by the act of becoming a vampire and jasper was in an incredibly abusive relationship as a newborn, but even these are glossed over. bella’s depression is only used as a narrative force for new moon, emily is used to antagonize us to sam, and esme and alice are completely forgotten in favor of reasonable or bubbly characters instead of complex characters with real nuance. rosalie is used for conflict and is the only one that feels legitimate and character driven, but even her behavior changes when renesmee is born because she gets the baby she always wanted. i wish that smeyer thought about the implications of all of the major women in the series being traumatized and their subsequent reactions or character development. 

lastly, we have probably the most controversial of my opinions. redemption is such a tricky way to use this because of how smeyer tried to use it, especially in jasper’s case. a confederate backstory was ROUGH to just randomly throw in. its pretty much explicitly stated that jasper deeply regrets that chapter of his life and being with alice and the coven made him better and gave him a new start.  its also stated that he went north, but that doesn’t forgive his racist past. while i tend to believe that he was truly a reformed being, the fact that this was a plot point (and a major one given that side characters were offered little character development) meant that smeyer had to fully rely on alice and the coven for his redemption. also, smeyer has a genuine problem with racist ideas and plot points in her books besides jasper so again, while i believe he’s different, her intentions with the character and his story despite his trauma with maria should be looked at critically. edward believes he’s damned not only for being a vampire but for murdering people, and never believes he’ll have any redemption. carlisle became a doctor out of a genuine care and love for people, but i also believe he did it as a way to redeem himself for his past, especially the human part. this is of course a little speculation because i don’t believe smeyer gave any elaboration for it. she really did everyone here so dirty. i think emmett is the only one who emerged unscathed from this. 

anyway massive rant over. i feel the need to say that a good chunk of this is my opinion and hey i could be wrong. i also feel the need to say that i do enjoy twilight a lot but it was poorly written at times for multiple reasons. so yes i am critical but also. its a stupid little vampire series you’re still allowed to like it. stan charlie. 

[rosaliesimp]

listening to @threebooksoneplot’s new episode!! Go listen, even if you haven’t finished S1.

live reacting below

1- new moon is polarizing. I think the main reason why it is my least favorite is not the vampire wolf thing, but because of how real Bella feels. I struggle with depression and oh god, this girl is going through it. I connect a lot with Bella through the story and reading NM really hurts because I go through the same she does, so it’s my least favorite because I don’t enjoy going through that

2-as for titles and covers… Euphoria and Delosation would be my title, with a cover of falling leaves. The leaves at the top would be green, and as they fall, they die, turning a brown. Dark Noon makes me giggle and I love it but it doesn’t feel SMeyer. My title would be Noonday Darkness? It keeps your title with a SMeyer twist. The cover maybe could just be a dead tree in a forest of life.

3-Bella being upset about her birthday is painful for me, because she fears not only growing up, but I think her future too. But this isn’t Bella’s therapy. About her weird description, I think SMeyer wants it to be known that she’s pretty, but Bella herself doesn’t see her that way.

4-Alice birthdays would be the best birthday. Still working my way through a moodboard because wow the birthday party in the books sounds amazing

5-my mvp of the chapter is Alice, love her dearly

6-I would love a perspective of either Rosalie or Alice. I loved how Edward could read thoughts in midnight sun and would love to know what Alice is seeing through the chapter. Maybe Jasper, because he reads the room and stuff

[spiteless-xo]

hello tiff!! 🫶🏼

I am wondering wtf Eren does when he gets home from work and who he has been hanging out with since his fight with Jean!! I feel like he is just as isolated as reader (maybe even more so) since Armin lives far away and is pretty busy.

was he hanging out with Floch? istg😭

I was also thinking about how amazing it would be to have something like ‘midnight sun’ from the twilight series for tbaw Eren.

Like can we just hear all his intrusive thoughts pls and his daily notions??? 😭

hello!! 🥰💗

tysm for your question!! but unfortunately, i can't say much, because we'll find out what he's been doing in upcoming chapters and i don't wanna spoil it 👀

but in university (after jean), he was primarily friends with armin, the hockey guys, and zeke. it's not until he cut things off with zeke that he scaled back a little with his other toxic friendships. he's clearly still friends with floch through work, but that might just be a convenience thing? and he's been talking with armin, so he's not TOTALLY alone, but yeah he's definitely also a lil isolated 🥺 he's got other things going on tho. maybe.

omg a midnight sun tbaw would be so fun!! but i think you all would really hate both jean and eren in arc 1 if the story was told from their perspective 💀 you'd hear all eren's gross fuckboy thoughts in the beginning and jean's head is fucking mess tbh all of the chapters would be so repetitive for him 💀💀

arc 2 you already have a lot of eren's pov, but same as arc 1, jean would be insufferable.

arc 3 we have a lot of jean's pov now, and eren's would just be like depression 😭

you know that one part in new moon?? i think?? where edward breaks up with bella and there's like five pages that are just blank except for "January, February, March," or whatever? that would be eren's pov rn 😭

[cherienymphe]

With twilight topic being brought up, please tell us your favourite parts in the book series or your fav characters pls!!

Oop okay. I have not read the last 2 in years but I reread them enough to remember lol.

Twilight:

THE BLOOD TYPING SCENE!! Oh my gaaaaawd when I tell you I was so pissed they left that out the movie. I will never forget how blushy I was and how much I was kicking my legs during that scene it's not even funny.

The movie did it justice but my brain was irrevocably (hehe) altered when he saved her from getting killed in the parking lot

Really just the introductions of the cullens in general? I'm pretty vocal about the fact that I would've changed some of the casting and the movie did not do their introductions justice at all. I stared because their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful. They were faces you never expected to see except perhaps on the airbrushed pages of a fashion magazine. Or painted by an old master as the face of an angel. It was hard to decide who was the most beautiful – maybe the perfect blond girl, or the bronze-haired boy. Liiiike I'm sorry but the movie fell so flat with that. Bella was beyond observant and they allowed an internal monologue for just about everything else so why not this?

Their trek to the meadow omg I swoon! Them hiking up to the meadow was a whole scene! Literally filled pages in the book where they pretty much spent the whole day together and he just spent the whole time asking her questions and getting to know her. This was just one of those scenes that was cut from the movie that really showed their love story. These two were obsessed with each other but not as unrealistically as the movie portrayed it. They literally spent so much time getting to know each other and wanting to know as much about each other as possible. Their first kiss was literally in the meadow! It was nerve wracking and hesitant and so cute! Wtf was that first kiss in the movie 🤢 and this whole scene had other cute stuff like when she admitted her favorite gemstone was topaz because it reminded her of Edward's eyes.

When James brought up Alice and you figured out that he's the vampire from her story that killed her maker and had tried to kill her. It really honed in on how focused on "the game" he got and how he wouldn't stop so he had to be put down

The scene where Edward drove bella to school the first time. Yeah. Yeah. Another scene I think the movies got right because again, my ass was giddy af reading that.

When Edward tasted Bella's tear 😭 these two were soooo-

I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot bc twilight had so many little scenes and moments that was just building on their love story that I was obsessed with. Every time I read twilight I remember why I was team Edward from day 1

New Moon:

I don't have many favorite scenes to gush over in this book and I'm sure there's no explanation needed as to why 😭 but that dream in the beginning had me SHOOK. Bella's dramatic ass would've made you think she was turning 28 instead of 18 my goodness but it was done so well though.

Literally just the whole birthday scene. Funnily enough NM is my least favorite book but it was my favorite movie for a long time solely because of how accurate it was to the book and the movie did do that scene justice.

Meeting the volturi

When Heidi brought in all those people to be killed.

It made me sad but in a strange way that wasn't completely depressing how Bella didn't want to go to sleep when they came back because she still wasn't convinced it was real and was afraid Edward would be gone when she woke up 🥺

Eclipse:

When Edward got a bed and Bella kept trying to take his clothes off and he kept laughing at her 🧍🏾‍♀️ like idk what he thought was funny because ole girl was serious about that dick

Jasper and Rosalie's story. Again. I think the movies did these scenes pretty solid but idk. Something about the way Rosalie tells her story in the book is so frightening and addicting. You just have this dread the whole time because we all know where she ends up but nothing can properly prepare you for what really happened. I remember I just felt so sad for her. "Would you like to hear my story, Bella? It doesn’t have a happy ending – but which of ours does? If we had happy endings, we’d all be under gravestones now.” Starting it off like this was nothing short of poetry yup yup.

When Jacob found out Edward and Bella were engaged. Lmaooo. Sorry not sorry but Edward was sick af for entertaining jacob that she could ever choose him and then bringing up the engagement knowing his ass was listening. That was a beautiful moment for me

When Edward threatened jacob for kissing Bella without her consent. That was hot

“The word ‘boyfriend’ had me chewing on the inside of my cheek with a familiar tension while I stirred. It wasn’t the right word, not at all. I needed something more expressive of eternal commitment...” THIS! This line right here is why I get miffed when people say Bella didn't really want to marry Edward but just the vampire lifestyle. This is literally how she describes her relationship with Edward and how she has nothing against the commitment to him but moreso the concept of marriage and a wedding itself due to her parents' marriage.

Breaking Dawn:

Y'all already know. Isle Esme shouldve been its own book fr. The whole process of going to the island and the honeymoon was just chef's kiss. Bella just really wanting to be with him in that way and Edward saying he promised they'd try and then she woke up after having the time of her life and Edward the eternal brooder is having a meltdown because there are bruises and she snapped on him about ruining her high 😭

Also when he bit a pillow because he really wanted to bite her >>>

Can't remember if they left this in the movie but definitely the scene where they pretty much say that the women of the Denali coven and their deceased mother are/were succubi

That scene when Jacob realized they were going to have a "real" honeymoon was waaaay more dramatic in the book. Pretty sure it was a miscast but in the movie Jacob just reminded me of an angry cub or puppy most of the time. Like I was not taking him serious at all but in the book? Oh yeah he was going to kill Edward fr if the other pack members hadn't shown up.

The fact that the cleaning lady knew or had an inkling of what Edward and his family was in the beginning and even though she was scared, she still stuck around to watch out for Bella 🥺 in the movie they left in the scene where Edward was begging for her help once they realized bella was pregnant and I was glad

When Edward first heard renesmee's thoughts and it made him not hate her anymore because he could hear how much their baby loved bella and he couldn't hate anything that loved bella

Gaaaaawd when they first found out she was pregnant and she realized her and Edward wouldn't see eye to eye on this and the first person she called was Rosalie? Yeah. I know Rosalie was helping for a lot of selfish reasons but idk. As a Rosalie fan I really liked that Bella knew Rosalie would stick behind her on this if no one else did

When she first woke up from being a vampire and immediately tried to jump Edward's bones in front of everyone and told him he'd been holding out on her 😭

The cottage reveal

Sorry but I'll always prefer the book version where there was no "vision". I know the movie had people gagged but it was unnecessary to me. They gathered all their allies, calmly showed the volturi that renesmee was not an immortal child, the volturi killed irina, and they left. Easy peasy.

As for fave characters, definitely Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Seth, Caius, Angela, and Edward.

[movies-for-the-evening]

Twilight / Сутінки

So, Twilight. I was never a fan of this saga before, but I decided to watch all the parts again... and it turns out it's not so bad!

Отже, Сутінки. Ніколи не була фанаткою цієї саги, але нещодавно все ж вирішила передивитися усі частини ще раз... і виявилося, що не все так погано!

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Twilight / Сутінки (2008)

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke

Everyone is usually fascinated by the editing and cinematography of this part. For that time, all these special effects and the plot itself made an impression and were very progressive. However, the bluish color scheme does not seem too pleasant to me. 🥶 And the main characters are just starting to get used to each other - there is a certain discomfort between them (as in the photo)

Усі зазвичай у захваті від операторської роботи і монтування цієї частини. На той час всі ці спецефекти і, само собою, сюжет дійсно справляли враження і були дуже прогресивними. Проте ця синювата світло-корекція видається мені не надто приємною. 🥶 Та і головні герої тільки починають "звикати" один до одного, між ними відчувається певний дискомфорт (прямо як на фото)

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon / Сутінки. Сага: Новий місяць (2009)

Directed by Chris Weitz

In this part, I feel sorry for Bella - the vampires have left her to their own devices, and she is depressed and hallucinating... However, here we are introduced to the Volturi clan, led by the charming Michael Sheen. These aristocratic vampires are 🔥

У цій частині я дійсно співчуваю Беллі – вампіри просто покинули її і вона впала в депресію, почала бачити галюцинації (ввижається їй той Едвард постійно)... Проте тут нас знайомлять з кланом Вольтурі, яких очолює харизматичний Майкл Шин. Вампіри-аристократи – це 🔥

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Directed by David Slade

Here we are shown the love triangle between Bella, Edward and Jacob. It's annoying that they control Bella as they want, and Edward behaves like an abuser. She cannot draw clear boundaries in her feelings, but persistently manipulates the vampire to reincarnate her. 🧐 There is a certain illogic in the characters, but let's not be too picky

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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)

Directed by Bill Condon

❌ This is the most nonsensical part. Only their wedding and honeymoon are literally shown here. If you speed it up, you can make a music video or a wedding video out of it, but it is by no means a full-length film. And in the end, it generally turns into a horror!

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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)

Directed by Bill Condon

There are questions about Jacob's love line. But in general, there are many new characters and the plot develops quite interestingly and quickly. 🫦 Bella is very beautiful here and finally she begins to really act and influence events independently of her own will.

Plot 6/10

Cast 8/10

Musical design 9/10

This saga can be rewatched from time to time because it gives us some memories and come on who doesn't like vampires))

🍿General impression 7/10