#3 additional months of pretending just feel too much. i already feel sick because of this all the time anyway

[tardis--dreams]

Me: I will finish my Bachelor degree by October :)

My professor: no ♡

[nxtsnw]

P1: Please could it be a mikey oneshot leaving a male reader; I leave it days before the dissolution of Touman with the excuse of "I like another person more, I don't love you anymore and I don't want to see you again" it may be that I don't want to hurt him or something like that, in the end ReaderMale! he takes it badly at first but over time he recovers and becomes a famous Idol that is everywhere, not only is an Idol but has a presence in the underworld (something +

°Mikey x Male reader°

plot: After the breakup between Mikey and MaleReader, their two paths split. The reader, after an unexpected glow-up and after both have apparently moved on, meet again, Mickey as the leader of the Bonten and the reader as a very famous idol.

author note: I also read the pt.2! I apologize if I changed it slightly, I did everything possible to respect it. Thank you for the request!

word count: 1k

warning: angst, break up

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The weather that day was so hot, but it wasn't a pleasant heat, it was quite the opposite. Y/n was going to meet Mikey, his boyfriend for a year now. He noticed his bright blonde hair from afar so he decided to run up to him and hug him from behind.

"Heyy Mikey" he yelled.

"mh" he replied looking at him from top to bottom.

"What happens?"

"I leave you," he said with that a weird calm and his eyes staring at him and waiting for a reaction.

"Ahaha this is funny" answered y/n.

"I'm not kidding, it's over between us, I'm no longer in love with you. I'm sorry, but it's time for me to open a new chapter in my life."

A slight shiver ran down the y/n back.

"Wait, did I do something wrong?"

"No, I already told you, I'm not in love with you anymore."

How was it possible? Why should he leave him like this?.

He could still feel the blond's gaze on him and didn't dare to raise his head. He took a deep breath and mentally slapped himself.

"Goodbye then." he continued without expressing any kind of emotion.

"Goodbye."

So that completely unexpected conversation ended. And for y/n began one of the hardest times ever. Even just to realize what had happened took him several weeks(maybe months), which were lived in a very bad way by the boy.

Acceptance was a hard thing and just as he was returning to the bad habit of smoking he was stopped by a strange man.

“Wait for a second please, don't quit smoking that cigarette. And please, let me take some pictures of you. "

Surprised and scared, the boy decided to walk away.

"Wait up! Believe me, I'm (his name and his surname), a famous photographer ”he continued showing him a tag that confirmed his previous words.

"Please, just a photo?" and so the boy agreed.

So the photo was taken and the photographer came over to show it to him.

At first glance, not even the same y/n could be recognized, he seemed so different from the last time he had seriously looked at himself in the mirror, he couldn't see himself in that photo he had just taken.

"When I became like that?..." he spoke aloud when he was still deep in his thoughts. So much so that the photographer looked at him with a bewildered face.

“Don't like the photo? I'm sorry. Did I make you feel uncomfortable?" The boy shook his head no.

“Oh thank god, I also wanted to ask if you would give me permission to publish this photo on my new photo album due out next month,” he asked, clasping his hands. After he noticed the boy's troubled expression, he continued saying: "You can also receive money and be contacted later by different modeling agencies, I think you have this potential."

A job and some money would not have been bad .. the young man accepted and the two traded their phone number.

But before he could think of anything else, he remembered his change in physical appearance. He immediately went home to look in the mirror. In the street, while he ran, he saw himself in a shop window, he noticed the changes in the body.

They weren't that obvious, but to him, it felt so different, developed. The more he looked at himself the more he was convinced of how much prettier he had become.

Self-conviction? Had he had the famous post-breakup glow-up without realizing it? Was it possible? Was there any entity unknown to him involved?

Arriving at random he noticed even the smallest details of his face, had he always been this attractive?

Thanks to that funny meeting were the beginning of a new life for the boy.

After the photographer's album began to be printed, he noticed his inbox filled with inquiries from various fashion agencies.

They just asked him for a meeting to see if they could hire him, and reading the pay he didn't think twice about accepting.

He came from the first agency that contacted him, and after a short interview, he was hired. It was all happening so fast, the long time after parting with Mikey seemed to have almost vanished from the boy's mind.

In no time at all, he began to have great success in many magazines, and his fandom began to grow. Real people stopped him on the street to ask him for a photo and how beautiful he was. The agencies organized real meetings for the boy's fans.

He met some of his old school friends (with whom he had had some bullying problems) who didn't recognize him in the least...

Everyone had begun to love and idolize him. The creepy and weird thing is that it all happened within 6 months, all that fast? How was that possible? Often y/n stopped to wonder how it was possible, and always tried to find out how it could have happened, but he never found anything rational. ( I'm so sorry, I have never read "lookism" yet, I tried my best to find information <3)

And so winter had arrived, the cold now surrounded him.

He had just finished his shift at the agency and had decided to go get a hot chocolate in his trusted bar. As soon as he entered he noticed a new boy, he was tall with green eyes and dark hair he was really cute.

The boy had been working in that bar for a short time, and it was he who served him. Along with his hot chocolate, he gave to him a note with his phone number, hoping that y/n would contact him.

So that's what he did, he had finally overcome the breakup with Mikey, he was finally ready to start a new life, and finally sentimentally too.

Months and years go by. The relationship between the two boys seems to have improved and thanks to his work he becomes more and more famous. A real Idol, with a little secret, he hadn't yet explained the change that had radically changed his life.

Did some divinity have anything to do with it?

Because of his job he had not been allowed to have a boyfriend, so he had invented and hired him as a "personal bodyguard", so he was able to find an excuse to spend more time with his boyfriend.

They were walking arm in arm under light snow when he saw what he never wanted to see.

There was Mikey. That Mikey. He was sitting on a bench and always kept his lost gaze on some buildings. Was he there on purpose or for simple deals?

He had a hard time recognizing him, Mikey had cut his hair even though he still had that different sheen, but it looked just fine. He was thin and pale in the face, but the most noticeable thing was two dark circles under his eyes that made him look more tired and almost sick.

After a while, Mikey turned to his side.

"Look, let's go if we change our way," he asked his boyfriend.

"Um okay, but what's going on?"

"Nothing, don't worry..." but at that moment he realized that he could no longer escape. He had long since overcome that breakup.

"We can continue from here too," he continued, smiling and taking his boyfriend by the hand.

Meanwhile, a tall pink-haired boy had caught up with Mikey and they were heading in the direction of y/n.

He seemed to be going smoothly until the two ex-boyfriends stopped at the same time.

"Hi Mikey"

No reply.

"Now pretend you don't even know me eh"

Mikey looked up, but this time, in addition to the usual air of defiance, he looked seriously surprised, almost scared?

"Hi y/n, how long has it been?"

But who could know him better than y/n? They had been together for a year, by now he knew that expression perfectly. He knew that at that moment Mikey was confused but he didn't want to show it.

How were they supposed to react?

That question was creeping into both of them, but neither of them seemed able to react.

Did he get over it? What had happened all that time? And who were the new respective partners?

For these questions it will still take some time to get answers and who knows if they will ever have them ;)

I hope you'll like it<3

[spiltscribbles]

Im so excited!!!! Here’s a little “It’s always been you. You and only you.” sprinkled in with Green-Eyed Epiphany

~Notes: OMFG bubby!!!! You are so beyond adorable! Thank you So SO much for the sweetness!! I really hope you like this XS and fingers crossed  this fits the promptXS <3 <3 <3

.-

Prompt Smash Game  |  Send Me A Prompt💜   |  A Reblog Is Like A Huge, Warm Hug!!!

.-

~R: my mom’s working the night shift at the clinic👀👀

~S: Kinky😏

~S: I can be there in 15

~R: make it 20 and get Chinese x

~S: sometimes I think ur j using me for the food

~R: and bring henny😈

.-

It’s seventeen minutes since Remus sent the last text when the front door of his modest ranch house begins to thump with a familiar wrapping that’s three quick knocks followed by two slower ones, and he has to wrestle down the eager grin from his face when he swings it open to find one of his closest friends standing at the threshold in that customary  weathered, leather jacket that he found two summers ago when Remus had taken him thrifting for the first time, and an impish sort of smirk that definitely would look ridiculous on anyone else, but only makes Sirius all the more maddeningly attractive. 

“What took so long?” Remus asks mildly, pulling him indoors by the sleeve and gesturing for him to set the goods on the kitchen counter once they cross the small foyer.

“You wound me, Lupin.” Sirius retorts, quick-silver eyes flashing before he pins him against the island and puts his hands on either side of his waistline with more gentleness than Remus would’ve expected before they began this whole sorted affair— Okay, maybe that’s the wrong word for it?

It’s not an affair, or tryst, or carrying on or whatever the fuck else Lily says when she’s teetering on the wrong edge of tipsy and thinks it’s her right to call Remus out on his bullshit— on his stupid, beyond obvious crush he’s been fostering for one of his closest friends since junior high.

It’s none of those things— It’s not nearly as dramatic.

It’s just— Just that yes, Remus has been harboring a tiny infatuation  for Sirius ever since that first day of the seventh grade  when he had moved to this tiny, coastal town after his parents divorce. But how could he have not? Sirius is hilarious, and a genius, and so gorgeous that sometimes it feels like his insides are twisting up whenever he glances over at him. And on that first day, he had just caught Remus’s eyes from across the library shelves before classes begun, and smiled in that uniquely electric way of his, and asked if Remus could put slime in a very specific locker, (Snape’s), for a very specific reason, (Because he kept following Lily around like a creep), on account to no one suspecting the new kid. And yeah— Remus was lost on him an embarrassing amount from then on. 

Sure, it can be regarded as kinda pathetic on Remus’s end— kindling this nest of emotions so close to the chest— but also it’s not as if he’s been lovestruck by his crush, like it’s some sort of waterlogged scarf he’s got dragging him down. His attraction towards Sirius is like a soft melody that’s swelling in the backdrop of all their interactions, nothing overwhelming— not a flood plane, not yet at least. It’s warm, and it’s familiar, and it’s persistent like a flutter of a humming bird’s wings.  And Remus doesn’t mind pining over someone as fantastical as Sirius Fucking Black.

Graciously, in some strike of incredible luck, Sirius never caught on to Remus’s silly feelings, not until that night when they were watching an old movie in Remus’s basement while James and Lily were celebrating an entire year together— save for all their sudden stops and just as speedy starts— and Peter was visiting his grandmother in Tampa Bay. It was the first time they had been alone together since Remus broke up with Caradoc for the final time, and Sirius just looked so fucking good in that casual, white v-neck and his skinny jeans that make him look like some echo of James Dean on his best day. And Remus isn’t sure who exactly moved forwards first, or how the fuck Meg Ryan wandering the Seattle streets was some sort of aphrodisiac, or why Sirius— who could have any guy he would ever want— was actually humoring him, but one second they’re lying down on the sofa— Remus caged between Sirius’s expanse and the cushions behind them— and the next he’s tasting PBR on Sirius’s lips, and has got a fist full of his dark hair, and is thrilling at the feeling of Sirius’s thigh between his legs. And yeah— it just happened like those sort of things are want to do, and by the end of it they were sticky and breathless and diffident in ways they never been around one another, in ways Remus reckons Sirius has never been around anyone.

But the next weekend, when Sirius’s latest sorta— but not really— boyfriend had canceled on their dinner plans, Sirius wandered over to Remus’s bedroom window and it was another tumbling of frenzied hands and loosen buckles and thrusting hips. And then it just became an easy release— a sort of poetry, an understanding in all but name.

And that’s fine. They don’t have to talk about it. Remus knows that Sirius isn’t the type to settle down with a partner, to go bowling for a date, or texting countless messages that amount to nothing at all at the end of the conversation, or putting up with another dude’s parents taking photos of them before leaving to prom or homecoming or whatever the fuck else. And Remus is sorta sick of the idea of love, of trying so hard only to end up heartbroken and eating a gallon of Chubby Bunny in his favorite sweats and cursing John Hughes for pretending Hollywood romances can happen to ordinary high schoolers. 

So yeah— This thing they’ve fallen into with each other is good. They’re friends— best friends— and they have fun and they’re apparently really fucking good in bed together, and Sirius never looks at Remus with pity when he spots him gazing at his profile absentmindedly, and he doesn’t mind when Remus traces invisible designs against his skin when they’re soaking in the after glow, and he never treats him  any different. Sirius still slings his arm around Remus’s shoulders when they walk down the halls, and he still buys him his favorite chocolates when he feels poorly, and he still faces Dorcas's disapproving wrath when he drags Remus out of the library to have a little mischief— whether it’s smoking a blunt in the abandoned skatepark in town or playing some stupid prank on those assholes in their year. 

For all intent and purposes, they still behave the same they’ve always acted around one another, but just with the miraculous addition of mind-blowing and dulcetly ductile sex.

This is good, this is fun, this is completely untethered from the bull shit of romance.

And if Remus mouths against the juncture of Sirius’s neck a little too intensely— trying to pry off the memory of the hickey Sirius had been sporting after spending the weekend with Gideon Prewett— Well no one has to be any the wiser, and by the sound of Sirius’s hitched breaths, he seems not to mind even slightly.

“Except my apology?” Remus asks, more coy than he ordinarily acts as he drops his arms around Sirius’s neck, and leans on the balls of his feet to whisper against his temple.

“Oh, you’re such a bastard,” Sirius retorts, labored as all get out, kneading his fingers into Remus’s ass that’s only covered by the thin layer of his plaid pajama bottoms. “You are going to have to do a lot more for me to forgive the lip.”

Remus laughs in a stammering sort of way as Sirius tugs him along, walking backwards to his room that he’s become incredibly intimate with since the first time they did this three months ago. 

“Sirius, the spring rolls— they’re gross if we have to heat them up again.”

“I’ll postmate us knew ones,” Sirius insists, covering Remus’s mouth with his own with fervor. “C’mon babe, do not tease me like this.”

Sirius must’ve caught his mistake, because he suddenly goes as red as Remus feels— The pet name was to close for comfort considering their strictly friends with benefits nature, but Remus is already half hard, and he really does not want to end this, so with a sly wink, he returns to nipping at Sirius’s jawline, rutting against him in a very unambiguous way. “Fine, if you really don’t think you’ll need the nourishment for your stamina?”

The words have their intended effect, and Sirius makes a small growl deep in his throat before practically tearing off Remus’s shirt, and dipping beneath the waistline of his pants, scooping him up and racing to the bed.

And they get lost in one another beneath the pale glow of Remus’s lamplight and the moon spilling through the window, relearning each others every patch of skin for minutes on end that wax and wane like the delta of ocean waves, unspooling into something tangible and tantalizing with every kiss punctuated with teeth that Sirius trails across Remus’s collarbone, and the way Remus palms greedy hands up and down Sirius’s back until he gets the hint and undresses.

“Well come on, you’re not an invalid, Lupin.” Sirius jeers and Remus chuckles as he follows suit until they’re both finally, blessedly nude. And with an easy assurance of them having done this more than a dozen times now, Remus crawls into his lap and kisses him straight on the mouth, preening how Sirius moans against him— canting up wantonly and grabbing at his hips with a sort of intensity that will probably leave bruises in the shape of the pads of his fingers, and Remus absolutely adores the idea of that, feels something hot and needy and desperate unfurl in his gut as he presses their mouths more forcefully together, going buzzed when he gets to relish in the sensation of their tongues running against one another, and the taste of the ridges on the roof of Sirius’s mouth, and the slide of the soft skin of his inner cheek— gasping when Sirius pulls away abruptly, panting an almost reverent, “Mother of God, Remus,” and tackles him flat on his back before they commence, with the addition of both their hard,  leaking cocks thrusting against one another and Sirius’s hand in Remus’s hair pulling that bit more forcefully while his other one roams the dips and planes of his side— skirting against the divots of his stomach muscle before he wraps it around the pair of them and begins to pull in earnest, to the rhythm that Remus swears was strung from the heavens above.

“Oh— Oh, yeah— Sirius,” Remus breathes out in a haggard sort of way, words that he refuses to ever call a mewl even if they’re stretched out and crackle with emotion.

“Yes—, just say that again,” Sirius practically demands, his mouth completely covering his ear in a wet, hot heat— his teeth scraping against the soft shell. “Remus, baby, just say my name, tell me you want it.”

And God, Remus is feeling so heady— like he’s floating and he couldn’t possibly come back down— that he probably would’ve listened to anything Sirius asked of him, especially if he does that thing again, when he squeezes the slick length of them with a tad more force than they usually play at. “Sirius, Sirius. Sirius, please, I’m close,” Remus shrills in an unsteady staccato— his normally smooth tenner going pitchy and pleading, and he can feel his toes curling, can feel the eminent release coming— What he does not expect is to feel something poking at his entrance, didn’t expect to be struck dumb by the sensation of the tip of Sirius’s large, dry finger poking right there, right against the fluttering hole, while he’s still pumping them in tandem, and the second it hooks inside Remus goes a startling sort of static , sees blasts of white blotching his vision and his head thrown back and his dick spirting out heavily against Sirius’s deliciously defined torso.

And he’s just breathing heavily now, during the come down, can barely make out anything  through the heavy weight around him, the one  cushioning his head— but he does graciously feel Sirius’s cock fucking into his own hand against Remus’s thigh and then idly the feeling of his come splattering him, but then after that he can just barely hear the distant padding of feed against floorboards, followed by a wet washcloth being dabbed against his skin. So when he finally forces himself to focus, he sees Sirius cleaning himself off, wrapping it into the pair of joggers Remus was wearing earlier and tosses it to the corner of the room. 

“Rude,” he scolds with no heat, shuffling closer to him when Sirius lies down besides him once more and circles an arm around his torso.

“THat’s what you get when you’re acting like a lazy fuck,” Sirius counters, smug as all get out while he threads a hand in Remus’s hair.

“Hmm, didn’t see that in the papers recently. Is it a new law?”

“Yeah, actually just past on the senate floor.”

“Interesting… Well considering that only one of us has a senator for a father, I really have to ask to see the power-point you shared with him to get this bill through the stalemate,” Remus’s head bounces against Sirius’s chest from the force of his laughter at the barb.

“Oh, stuff it, Lupin.”

Hiding his smile into Sirius’s skin, Remus does as told, and they both just lie there, as if everything’s gone suspended just for the pair of them, just so Remus can count out the beats of Sirius’s heart pulsing against his sternum, and can feel the way their legs tie into one another, and can feel Sirius mouthing against his temple, blowing his curls with every exhale. 

And Remus thinks that he’d do anything to remember this exact moment for every single day from here on out.

But then the quiet is abruptly and permanently punctured by the sound of his phone chirping, and he has to breathe in deeply before separating from the warmth of Sirius, and fishes down for the device that’s still crammed into the side of his bed from where he had hidden it after that initial text.

“Is Dearborn still on your ass to try again?” Sirius asks, a bit stilted.

Remus wonders if he’s just imagining the tension twisted in the question, but reasons that Sirius’s never been Caradoc’s biggest fan, so he just shrugs it off— really doesn’t want to get into some stupid argument about his asshole of an ex when he’s still feeling so content. “Nah, ’s James. Still trying to force me to go to the homecoming dance with you guys.”

“Oh,” Sirius retorts, lips pinched while watching Remus redress. “You should go, Marls is pregaming and you know she always gets the good shit.”

Remus shakes his head while puttering over to find a new pair of sweats and a sweater. “Nah, just not feeling it this year— Erm, you’re taking Gid I assume.” He’s not sure why he asks it, supposes he’s always a glutton for some pain and shitty feelings to inspire his playlists habit, but also maybe it’s him trying to sober himself. Trying to remember that despite this— despite everything they just did and  how easy it’s always been for them to fall into step with one another— Remus isn’t good enough to be seen with Sirius in the light of day. He’s probably not handsome enough or cool enough or something else that makes Sirius absolutely revolted from the thought. Probably that he’s beyond bookish, and looks painfully virginal and isn’t nearly as sly or snarky as his other conquests.

Truly, Remus should just be thankful that Sirius wants this at all, he shouldn’t be so crazed over the why nots of the situation— it’ll only kill him trying to be something he never could actually affect with any credence.

Schooling his features to something passably indifferent, Remus pivots to face him again, is startled when he finds Sirius still naked and staring at him with a burning sort of intensity in his storm cloud eyes. 

“He hasn’t said anything, but I guess he’s assuming as much,” he finally says, running a hand through his overgrown fringe, that familiar twitch of the corner of his mouth grabbing Remus’s attention. The one that tells him Sirius is actually irritated about something he’s not letting himself say out loud. 

“Erm, good? Gid’s a decent guy.” Remus mutters, head ducked once it gets to a point that he can’t stand Sirius looking at him like that— Not after how blissed out and ferocious he had been groping every inch of Remus only moments ago. “You guys are nice together.”

And it’s like the breath before the worst of storms when his words collapse between them, making the pregnant silence go suddenly suffocating.

“Right,” Sirius intones once Remus levels their gazes, hurriedly standing and collecting his own clothes, fracturing the moment completely. “Right. Whatever, yeah. I’ll go to the fucking dance with fucking Gideon Prewett. That’s good.”

“Sir—“

“No, it’s fine. You can just stay home, and mourn over that douchebag Dearborn some more, even though you ending it with that dick was the best decision you could’ve made, Remus, and I’m not even saying it just because I’m petty. He is a prick, and you need to finally get a clue how much better you deserve, damn it!”

Remus’s head feels like it’s swimming. Why is Sirius so angry all of a sudden? Does he not like Gideon? Why can’t he just cut it off like so many times before? And why the hell is he petty over Caradoc? The entire situation feels like someone’s just handed him a wedge of Swiss cheese and told him to knit it back together. 

“What is up your ass?” He decides is an appropriate enough question for his floundering, and shutters back only slightly at how fuming Sirius looks when he rounds on him— clothes disheveled and fearsome glower heavy on his face. 

“Whatever Remus, if you can’t see that Dearborn is bad news—“

“I’m not pining for Dearborn,” Remus interjects, really doesn’t feel like listening to one of Sirius’s ridiculous diatribes about him, not now. Not when he’s still so bewildered by everything else. “Why would you think that?”

The fire in Sirius’s eyes vanishes as quickly as someone blowing on a candle, and it’s his turn to gawk, gaping at Remus, shoulders dragged down and eyes wide. “Wait— You’re not?”

“No…. I haven’t even thought about him for weeks.”

“Oh.” Sirius looks contemplative for a moment, before the righteous anger that only he could ever wear with such conviction, melts over him once more. “All right, then what the fuck is this?”

Remus stiffens, feels his veins lace with ice, an his breath catch somewhere in his throat, really does not think he’s ready for this conversation. “This?” 

“Yes, Remus, this!” Sirius demands, sounding harsh in comparison to the barely croak Remus had spoken with. “Listen I don’t care if you want me to wait some more, if you need to lick your wounds or whatever. But why are you like pushing me on other people? Why do you want me not to be around? why do you  want me to go out with other dudes?”

Remus lies back on the chest of drawers now, feels beyond dazed. “What the hell are you talking about, Sirius?”

Sirius clenches his teeth right then, the hinge of his jaw going taught 

before he skulks closer, not letting Remus drop his gaze. “Is it me? Is it that you just can’t see me that way? Are you just stringing me along or something? Because I really didn’t think that was your style, but if it’s that, then Remus—“

“Stringing you along?” Remus asks in a voice barely above a whisper, just needs to feel his lips forming the absolutely risible words, even if it makes it so something dark passes across Sirius’s beauteous features.

“Remus, I swear to God! Stop repeating everything I’m fucking saying!”

“Then start making  some damn sense!” Remus snaps, suddenly heated as he straightens and pins him with a proper scowl. “What in holy hell are you going on about?”

“God! Do I have to spell it out!” Sirius barks, cutting the final step dividing them and grabbing for Remus’s shoulders with a tight squeeze. “I know you just wanted to fuck around with someone after Dearborn showed his extreme dickitude, and listen, I was so fucking ecstatic that you wanted me for it. But I can’t do this in-between shit anymore! I’m sorry, but I can’t! And I get if this is annoying, but I’ve been crazy for you for so long. And I just can’t keep myself at an arms length anymore, not now that we’ve really had each other, not after you let me actually touch and taste and fuck you and— Damn it, this isn’t coming out the way I wanted, all right! Damn it, maybe Evans was right and I should’ve made queue cards like some dumb ass— But then James pointed out how unromantic that was, and Marlene said—“

Gently, Remus puts his shaking fingers against Sirius’s lips, effectively killing off anything else he’s about to say. And slowly, everything is beginning to slot into place, and he’s so spiteful over how they’ve been such idiots this entire time— swears to put salt into Lily’s coffee next time he sees her. 

“I didn’t know you actually were into me Sirius.”

Stunned, Sirius’s dark brows hike up to his hairline. “How the hell didn’t you know?” He demands against Remus’s fingers, thunderous and insulted looking.

“Because you never fucking said as much!” Remus defends himself, feels a mangled sort of laughter squirming out. “God, we’re idiots.”

“We’re?” Sirius asks, hesitant and red faced before Remus moves his hand to peck softly against his mouth. 

“I’ve been half in love with you for years you absolute ass-wipe, it’s always been you! You and always you.” Remus tells him breathily, still fighting down the last remnants of his actual, god forsaken giggle— like he’s thirteen again and getting buzzed off his mom’s peach wine coolers. “I only never said anything because I never thought I’d have a chance with someone like you— Someone so— so— Someone so amazing.”

The smile Sirius favors him with right then is something absolutely incandescent, and his eyes shimmer with a very distinct sort of joy that Remus wonders if anyone besides him has ever witnessed. “Then you’re definitely the biggest idiot between us, Lupin.” Sirius declares, knocking their foreheads together, and lacing his hand into Remus’s own before squeezing meaningfully.

“Fuck off,” Remus snorts, presses forwards for another languorous kiss, not feeling in danger of being swallowed whole any more— finally letting himself drown and knowing that Sirius will be there to pull him back up no matter what. 

“Oh, I could get used to this,” Sirius smirks, snakes his arms around Remus’s waste that bit tighter.

“Hmm, there is the problem that I usually don’t put out until at least the third or fourth date,” Remus says mildly.

“Pff, ‘s fine, Lupin,” Sirius insists, grinning beatifically. “I like you being a hussy for me!— Oof, careful with the merchandize, you were speaking some real exaltations about that part of my anatomy not too long ago.”

Moving his knee from the point at hand, Remus sticks out his tongue at him. “See if you ever get any ever again, Sirius Black.”

When Sirius laughs, it sounds like the strike of lightening against unmarked land, and the honey cloaked side of a knife’s edge, and like everything splendid Remus has ever known. And he thinks that yes, he could get used to this right back.

.-

[vdragon-creations]

More Danganronpa Headcanons!

Why? Because I can! And I have to wait for a Commissioner to get back to me about a WIP I just sent!

I Think I’m gunna try my hands at making some Headcanons for Mondo, Ishimaru, Leon, Kazuichi, and Kiibo this time a round! Just cause I wanna try and explore new characters. (And totally not because I fell hard for a certain Robo Boi! WHAAAAAAAT! YOU CRAZY GURL!) I’m still loyal to my man Yasuhiro! But I gotta spred the love! Cause these boi’s need it! Also, wanna mention that these are more like...Non-Killing Game AU Headcanaons. So yeah! ^^ 

Let’s do this!

Mondo:

Is a Semi decent carpenter, but there was that one time he fucked up the legs on a chair, and now one of Asahina’s shorts has a rip in it where there was a stray nail sticking out.

She wont let him live that down. And neither will Sakura.

Get’s pretty embarrassed/pissed off if someone touches his neck! The dude’s jacket practically covers that entire part of his body, so he’s not used to feeling anything touch him there!

He once let out a girlish scream when Leon poked him there once to wake him up during class! The rest of them are surprised Leon wasn’t killed right then and there.

Once he participated in a little competition between the classes to see who was the arm wrestling champ. He got pretty far till he had to go up against Gonta. He lost by a landslide, but he felt better loosing to a dude like him at least. 

Totally escorts any female classmate or student home on his bike if they ask, or he sees some creep hanging around them. 

He does get embarrassed about it though, and ends up yelling at them. This results in one of three things.

The girl runs away!

The girl just politely declines, and walks away kinda creeped out!

Or a mix of all, with the addition of the dude sees this, and get’s spooked himself, and fucks off

Ishimaru:

Has a bit of a panic attack and dies inside if he sees someone leaving the men’s restroom without washing their hands!

Carries scented hand sanitizers with him! At all times! No matter what! And must offer some to every single one of his classmates! 

Once he tripped in the halls while chasing after another rule breaker, and had to be carried to the nurse’s office. Now that alone wouldn’t have been a bad thing, except Sakura was the one who did it, and she carried him bridle style, much to his dismay. 

Mondo and Leon teased him about that one for months.

During Christmas, he’ll start screeching about PDA anytime he sees a Mistletoe, or people under it who are about to kiss! 

But will ultimately be the first one forced to stand underneath it by is classmates.

Stays behind after school hours to either clean, or poke his head into every class room to see if the teachers need help with anything.

He’s totally that guy who during the Gym Class or Sports festival, is bitching about how short the girls shorts are, but not realize he’s staring. There by making HIM the creep! 

Leon of all people was the one to point this out to him, only adding to the shame.

Leon:

It’s not hard for him to start catching feelings for basically any girl meets.

Totally has an Instagram where he posts shirtless pics! He’s pretty popular thanks to that, and his Baseball Skills.

Purposely taught himself English so he could flirt with some of the American and British chicks who visit his profile and leave comments.

He’s pretty used to going from girl to girl, so it’s safe to assume he’s used to getting dunked on by the girls he’s dumped. Getting called a pig, dirty looks, even some of them going so far as to pour their drinks on them at lunch. This he can handle!

Wanted so badly to start a band with Sayaka, Ibuki, Kaede, and Kazuichi! (Probably due to the punk look Soda always puts on!) But he was promptly let down by all of them! Cause Ibuki had her own shit to deal with, Kazuichi because he had no experience with music (at least any good ones, Stay tuned for that! ;3), Sayaka cause she’s already part of a group, and Kaede because punk wasn’t exactly her thing.

But what really stresses him out is when one of his Exes just.....doesn’t really seem to care! It feels so outta place to him, and it actually makes him pretty paranoid. Wondering if their plotting for revenge or some shit! So he’ll spend days after breaking up with a girl like this, just kinda....being a little bitch! XD

Secretly, I’m pretty sure they all turned him down because they thought he was coming on to them to a degree. 

Kazuichi:

Is a lot like Yasuhiro, he doesn’t like birds, but not because he thinks they work for the government. It’s because he doesn’t like most animals, they remind him of Gundham.

Miu makes him HIGHLY uncomfortable! Sure, she’s hot and stuff, but she’s a whole other level of fuckery that he wants no part of! She’s banned from entering his workshop, and so Kiibo is usually the one who comes in to grab something if Miu needs it. He completely get’s Kazuichi feeling put off by Miu.

However, Kazuichi is still pretty insistent on asking Kiibo if he can take him apart every time he comes to get something for Miu. Making the poor robot very uncomfortable!

He’s pretty jealous that Miu get’s to play with the Robot and he doesn’t. Get’s kinda salty about it.

Teruteru once gave him the idea that he should try to serenade Sonia. And so he did! Or at least he tried to. He got over the fence to the girls dorms, ripping his clothes in the prosses. Then when he got to the window (he thought was) of Sonia’s room, he threw a rock that was a bit too big at it, cracking the window and scaring the girl in the room! Waking up the whole dorms and he booked it out of there! 

He attempted this one more time, and was better prepared. But Sonia opened her window to see a Kazuichi dressed in a Ghillie Suit and wearing an army helmet holding a guitar! When he started to sing and play, it was now obvious why Ibuki refuses to let him sing along with any of her music! 

A girl from a neighboring room called the campus security to repot a strange dude outside the Girls dorms, while another one poked her head out of her window and began to throw things at him. 

He left soon after, but was caught by security and reprimanded. Now he refuses to listen to Teruteru has to say about anything.  

Kiibo:

Often get’s bossed around by Mui to get her things. He finds it rather degrading, but when she’s not being bossy, she’s helpful to him. So he puts up with it, as a way of saying thanks. 

One of these tasks he’s asked to do a lot is going over to Kazuichi’s Workshop to barrow tools and such. He hates doing it though, since Kazuichi is always wanting to take him apart. So he does his best to make these visits quick!

Miu gave him the ability to remove some of his heavy armor so he can wear clothing like normal. Surprisingly, This was his idea! He wanted to be able to enjoy the comforts of soft fabrics like most humans. And it would help him blend in a bit better.

Gonta and him get along very well! Mainly due to both of them having a hard time understanding things like sarcasm, harsher jokes, and certain social cues. This usually leads to them both learning at the same time when they hang out!

Miu is his wingman, weather he knows it or not! She’s always wanting to add new functions to him to make him more appealing. One of these is a thin velvet like coating on his armor that’s meant to make his metal less harsh on the skin if you touch him.

Another one of these features is a type of diffuser at the top of his skull under his hair! It releases a pleasant scent into his hair, similar to pheromones. The scent changes based on Kiibo’s emotions. 

Kokichi likes to openly mock Kiibo in front of new people. Like a lot!

Kiibo actually releases steam when he get’s too Angry or Embarrassed, but this is really rare. 

Get’s really curious about Occult, Paranormal, or Religious things. Sure, he finds some of it to be very silly, but he can’t help but wonder why some humans like those things! 

Some holiday traditions he finds weird too, and in some cases, a bit Robophobic. Like giving candy or sweets out on Valentines Day, when....well, he can’t fucking eat it! So he feels excluded in times like that.

He’s really confused about most PDA! Especially kissing! So humans just like...put their mouths together? And that’s like....supposed to mean deep affection? What’s so great about swapping fluids like that? Couldn’t they get sick? QUESTIONS! ANSWERS! HE MUST HAVE THEM!

His Ahoge doesn’t just change shape and move to show emotion, but it also tends to point in the direction that he’s attention is drawn too. Even when he’s trying to pretend he’s not looking at something! His hair is a dead give away!

Has a built in “Cellphone” in his head. Miu added it so it would be easier to contact him if needed. 

Everyone in his class has his number, except Kokichi! And it will stay that way!

.......Until Gonta gave it to him by being tricked into doing it!

And now he has a small panic attack every time his “Cellphone” rings. Praying to all that is good that he doesn’t hear “HEY KIIBOOOOOOOY!~<3″ on the other end!

[xsugarysweetsx]

Levi Ackerman x Reader 2

Pregnant AU

1 2 3 4 5

Sorry this update is a bit late but other than that please enjoy!

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･

Just as he said the next day you both went to Erwin to discuss your situation.

“Listen Erwin, I know this isn’t something that should be coming up right now but I won’t let her out into battles like this” he said glancing over to you “all I’m saying is we both agree it would be better for both her and the baby to be taken off duty, at least physical duty”

“Well first off congratulations you two never really expected Levi to be the father type” he mocked with a small smirk “I’ll grant your leave for the next months to come. I hope you do well Y/N” he sent you a soft smile

You return it and nod “Thank you Erwin, if there’s any paperwork I’ll be happy to do them” you offered

“Only if it isn’t too much work, I’ll advise you otherwise” you both thank him for his time and left his office. Now making your way to the mess hall for breakfast you enter a room full of teenagers.

He kept an eye on you only because “stupid hormonal brats might hurt you”. Even if they were fooling around none of them dared get in Levi’s way, especially with you there. You take your seat next to Levi, sitting at the table where all the commanders usually sit.

“Hey Y/N feeling any better?” The Burnett with glasses asked you

“A lot better than yesterday that’s for sure” you smiled at her. Levi having his usual annoyed expression towards her

Mike then sniffed the air around your head “hm you smell different” the statement made you land everyone else laugh.

“Anyway I’m going to get ya some food I’ll be back alright” he looked over to Hanji “don’t touch my wife four eyes” he glared

Sarcastically she answered “oh I would never dreaaamm of touching your precious wife Mr. Ackerman”

“Tsk” he stood and walked to get your breakfast.

“Well we actually do have something to tell you but I’m going to wait until Levi gets back”

“Is it the reason why you smell different?” Mike asked, arms crossed

“Actually it is....I hope” Levi came back with your breakfast and took a seat. First eating your soup and bread first the meat made you absolutely nauseous and offered it to someone else.

“Come Y/N you need to eat. You need it more than ever now” he tried to convince you to eat everything. You simply turn your face away and shake your head. Suddenly a gasp was heard

It made sense to Hanji. You’re throwing up, tiredness, and you fainted. She know what it was!

“YOU’RE PREGNANT!” The entire mess hall fell silent at Hanji’s outburst. Mike’s eyebrows raised in realization as to why you smelled off.

“Damn it four eyes we wanted it to be under cover for as long as possible but now everyone knows” he said pinching his temples.

“Well now’s better than never but yes, me and Levi are expecting a baby.” Everyone began to congratulate you and Levi on the new addition. Then the usual questions of how far along, and what do you want it to be, started.

After breakfast and many hugs and congrats you made your way to the town library. You and Levi picking out books of pregnancy and parenting.

(Not sure if in this time period it would exist but lest or pretend!)

While Levi filled out paperwork you’d lay out on the couch in his office and read. Every now and then you’d drop a new fact you learned about babies. You smiled as you reader about your future journey. Even though you were still early in the pregnancy you could already imagine everything. Your first bump, first kick, and of course the baby.

As you got ready for bed you stood in front of the mirror with a shirt in your hands. You stuff it under your night shirt and try to form a smooth look alike bump. Eventually you came close enough. Turn to one side and the other, caressed it with both arms. You felt warm inside, this will be what you look like in about three months from now.

Levi walked in and didn’t realize what you were doing. As you admired your fake bump in the mirror he simply adored how cute you were being. As his eyes roamed down to your shirt your beauty only grew. He came up behind you and wrapped it arms around your waist.

His hands cups the bottom of your shirt and nuzzled into your neck

“You really can’t wait for it to show can you?” He whispered

You giggled “nope! I’m just, so happy I get to have this as per of my life.”

“And im happy you’re the one doing it me” he said kissing your cheek “now come on you need to go to sleep.” Taking your hand and leading you to the bed. You lay in each other’s arms and fall peacefully to sleep

All three of you.

Little time skip

Month 2 1/2

“Levi come here!” You yelled from your shared bedroom. He came running in a million things going through his head. The last two months have been....a lot. Morning sickness, mood wings, cravings. He could only imagine what happened now.

“What is it? Are you alright?!” There you stood with your shirt lifted and the brightest smile gracing your face.

“Look! I’m start to show! It’s tiny but....it’s there!” You whispered the last part. His eyes drift down to your abdomen where the smallest bump laid. No it wasn’t from the food nor bloating. It was in fact the first visual evidence of your baby growing. He made his way to your side.

Hesitating at first but he carefully placed his calloused hand on you belly and ran it up and can down. Your once flat belly now had a small lump

He soft smiled down at the bump “hehe the brat’s growing in there. It’s about damn time”

You gently hit his shoulder “we will not call our child a brat Levi!” You smiled at him. He cupped you face delicately in his large hands. His forehead laid upon yours and gazed into your eyes.

“Thank you” he whispered at a volume only you two could hear. He pecked you lips “thank you for this”

“I love you Levi” you said with just as much adoration in your eyes.

“And I love you”

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･

Well here’s part 2!!! I hope you enjoyed it!! Please let me know about any improvements and/or ideas for further chapters

And yes my Request Box is OPEN!!!

[rudemaidenswrite]

Cash Prize

Part 4    Michael Meyers x Reader

By: @pusantheamazonian​ 

Welp we're almost done. So let's kick this relationship up a notch.

Part 1  Part 2 Part 3

Waking up to warmth, you're wrapped like a burrito. Tangled in blankets with his arms locked around you. His arms?

Peering up, you're still in bed atop of Michael. The mask is back on and he is awake. At least he's in the clothes you bought him. That's a plus.

"Morning." 

A hand pats your head. Before he starts to move.

"Mmm you're so warm this morning." Holding on to whatever you can of him. Burying your face in his chest, hoping he gets the message that you want to snuggle some more. Ignoring your demands. He sits straight up and you have to roll off to the side so you don't get smooshed. 

"Okay okay. I'm getting up." Struggling with the blankets you know he's done. How tight did he wrap these blankets?

After breakfast you cozy up on the couch with a blanket in your usual spot and wait for Michael to join you. So you can steal all his body heat. Something is off though. He's usually melted to the couch before you. But right now he's just looming over you.

"What?"

A curious head tilt and several minutes of staring. He holds out the flyer you gave him.

"You kept this?" Surprised that he kept it, a smile creeps into your face. It’s strangely sweet that he kept something from your first meeting. 

The poke to your forehead brings you back to reality. The persistence he has about this is strange. He's definitely using his size against you. Good old intimidation tactic. Staring at the fyler you start thinking about why he's kept this. There's something he must want to know.

“Why? Why did I come to you?” There's a slight nod. “I was in a car accident. I had broken ribs, a bunch of bruises and my car, well you've seen it. But I was off work for a month because they thought I had done more damage than broken ribs, then I could only work part time for three weeks. Bills were pulling up quickly and my insurance didn't cover everything. That's why I needed the money. So I thought what the hell I got nothing to lose.” Shrugging you give him a weak smile. It's sort of embarrassing now when you say it out loud. That your last resort was asking The Shape of Haddonfield for help with your money problems. That you reached a point, where dying would be financially easier.

Taking the flyer back he now hands you the picture from last night. Honestly you're surprised it took him this long to rifle through your things. This is something you don't really want to talk about but you know he's not going to leave it alone.

"You want to know about my family." Sighing you can only stare at it. It's the last picture you have of everyone together. A candid photo from a neighbor's birthday party. Your parents dressed in matching colors, little brother trying to shove a whole cupcake into his mouth and you trying to hide from the camera. You regret doing that now. 

Under his stare he watches you zone out. Your breathing becomes erratic and you're squeezing the picture. Seems like you're trying to hold back a nervous breakdown. He saw the same behaviors at the sanitarium. More extreme but still the same behaviors. Petting your hair is the only thing he knows for sure clams you. 

"You sure are nosey today." Whispering, the soothing touch of his hand calms you. So focused on the picture you forgot about him and what he was asking. "Carbon monoxide poisoning. It was during my first semester of college. I got a call from the police saying they died in their sleep and I needed to come down to the morgue to identify their bodies." Looking away you hand it back to him. "I never enrolled for a second semester. I know it was a stupid move on my part. But I was not in the right mental state to do anything."

Interesting. You're more damaged than he originally thought. Loomis would have a field day with you. The annoying bastard.

When he finally sits down, you watch him slowly scan the room. Honestly it's slightly creepy. 

"I sold everything. It's either here or in the storage locker. If that's what you are wondering."

Answering him, you can see the wheels turning in his brain as he stares at you. Man, it's uncomfortable when he stares like that.

"Well…. This has been a talkative morning. I'm going to go make some cookies." Patting his knee you are determined to leave this conversation. Freeze at his sudden grip on your wrist, you clarify yourself.. "Chocolate chip cookies. So I can put some icing in-between two of them and make a sandwich." Pretending to eat a sandwich, you can feel it. It's going to be one of those days. He's definitely not leaving you alone today.

You are moving too slowly for him. You said that it would only be a minute but it's been over a minute. Grabbing the container, he holds it above your head. Pulling the mask up just enough, he starts eating.

"Michael! If you eat them all we won't have any for later!" Jumping you don't come close to the container. If you don't get that container back there won't be any left for you.

Okay, Plan B. 

Keeping eye contact, you back into the corner and slide the step stool closer. It's times like this your regret only having a one step, step stool. He knows what you're up to. You swear you see a smirk as he raises his arm higher.

Yup. It's a fact. You've discovered that Michael has a sweet tooth for cookies. Which would explain where all the Oreos have been disappearing to.

"Now you're just acting like the Cookie Monster." Pouting you start jumping again. This time on the step stool, hoping it will give you the advantage you need.

You are too easy to mess with. He watches you unsafely and recklessly jump on a moveable plastic stool. As much as he hates to admit it. He did enjoy feeling your soft body pressed to his. Timing it just right, he kicks the stool out from underneath you. Making you fall face first into him. Immediately locking you in place with his free arm.

"I get it. No more jumping on the step stool." Mumbling you try to wiggle out of his grasp. Damn his super strength. In defeat you lean all your weight on him and stop struggling. Only after proving that you weren't going to resist. Did he lose his grip on you, allowing you to shift so you can see him better. 

You don't know how much time passed before he let go but an eternity could pass by and you wouldn't care. As long as you were able to stare into Michael's eyes. The swirling blue void that was always trying to say something but never able.

Damn.

~

You have been planning this all week. Good Lord was it hard with your professional stalker here. At least you were able to put the locker at work to good use. There was no way you would be able to hide his presents at the apartment. 

With him glued to the TV already it's the perfect distraction. Pulling the presents out of your work bag. You hide them behind your back and slowly walk to him. Making him acknowledge your weird behavior as you stand in the way of the TV. 

"So this may be weird." You hold up two small packages. "Happy Birthday." 

You don't know what's more distressing. The confusion or the empty sadness in his eyes. The flickering of his eyes to the presents and the wall calendar have you regretting this idea. 

"Today's October 19th, your birthday and I thought we could celebrate it." It never occurred to you that he may not like celebrating his birthday. He has been locked away for years. Do they celebrate birthdays or holidays at Smith's Grove? "If you want to." Sheepishly you hope he does, even if it's just opening the presents.

Birthday? It's his birthday? How did you know that? He barely remembers when it is and you want to celebrate it? He hasn't celebrated it since he was little. The sanitarium did little for celebrations. Yet you want to, you even have presents for him.

His hands move faster than his brain. As an out of body experience, watching himself take the presents from you. Placing both items in his lap as you join him on the couch with a smile. 

Opening the first present he doesn't know what to expect. Knowing you it could be anything.  Intrigued he lifts up the set of chef knives. Each one has a different brightly colored handle. This is an odd gift. 

"I thought that the splash of color might confuse potential….victims more. It also comes with a sharpener." You struggle for a moment with what word to use but you powered on through it. He'll understand what you mean.

The second present is the one you're the most proud of. It's hard to contain your excitement while he opens it. It took you several days to find the perfect scarf. When you saw it you knew it was the one. A 60x10 inch wool scarf almost the exact same color as his coveralls.

"I know you're a body heater but it's getting colder out. I don't want you to get sick."

Amazing, you found a scarf that's the same blue as his coveralls. The softness is unreal and since when do scarfs come with embroidery?

MM.

Thumbing the white letters, it's easy to see that the letters have been handsewn on. This was an addition. When did you have time to do all this?

"I personalized it by adding your initials to it." Blushing you look away. You don't know why this is embarrassing. All you did was get him something practical and fun for his birthday. 

"So if you're not opposed. I was thinking we could do a cake or cupcakes for later. And you can pick the flavor, I have vanilla and chocolate cake mix."

Quietly you watch him mull the options over. Watching his head slowly tilt back and forth. Apparently this is a fucking hard decision. You've known since you were five years old what kind of cake you want for your birthday. His head tilting stops and gives you a look. Just something about it tells you he decided on chocolate.

"A chocolate… a chocolate what? Cake?" Pulling your own questions out of the air. He perks up a little at cake. "Okie dokie then. Tonight we're having chocolate cake." Smiling and out of an old old habit, you lean over and kiss his temple before getting off the couch. "I better not have paper wads thrown at me while I'm baking." Warning him you try to look menacing as you head for the kitchen. Making a mental note that his mask needs a good cleaning.

What. What was that? Presents? A kiss? Celebrate his birthday with good intentions? It feels like time has frozen again but is spinning out of control. The lack of control has dulled his thinking and made it seem like he was a normal person. Like a normal man with a normal girlfriend. How can you simply do that to him? The voices are irrational in their yelling. Demanding blood, your blood. Eradicating any reason to come back. You're fragile anyways, a simple snap of the neck would suffice. If he did that he would be left to the wild again. Regrettably he has come accustomed to this life with you. Food is easier to find, dry rooms that don't threaten to give out, watching TV to pass the time. 

Before he realizes it he's standing behind you. Watching you pull various items out of the cabinets. What are you? Are you a nuisance or asset? A waste of his time and efforts or his prized possession? He thought he had your place in his life figured out. This confusion must end. The voices or his sanity.

The almost invisible touch on your neck, pushing your hair to the side. Shivering, you quickly turn around in panic.

"Oh it's just you." Sighing in relief you turn back to the counter. It's just Michael being weird. "You surprised me. I thought there was a creeper inside the apartment."

Before you can continue there's a slow drag of Michael's hands. Wrapping themselves around your middle. Taking a ragged breath, you closely watch where his hands are going.

"Um… Michael? Are you going to let go?" Confused, you wait for him to move. His response is to squeeze tighter, pulling you closer to him. “I was about to start your birthday cake.” Looking at him not only do you see but can feel his burning stare. The cake is not happening right now. He wants all of your attention and he wants it now.

“If you're not going to let me go. Why don’t we sit down."

Sitting sideways in his lap, you lean on his chest. This isn’t awkward at all. Wrapping an arm around his, you quietly listen to his heartbeat. His chin rests on top of your head. Strange you would have never expected him to be a cuddler. But everyone likes to cuddle at some point. Besides it's been awhile since you have been held like this.

It's easy to fall asleep like this. His iron grip makes you feel safe. Knowing he has your back and likes you to a point. Is what makes you feel safe. But like all things perfection never lasts. You need to rotate or move because your leg is going numb. But with Michael's iron grip, that's easier said than done. Fidgeting you try to relieve the pressure without bothering him.

"Michael…." Freezing you don't move, holding your breath in case you're wrong.

That's not a knife in his pocket.

May the Lord help you. You are suddenly very aware of how much smaller and weaker you are compared to him. You're not going to say a word. Just ignore the entire situation. You are completely nopeing out of conscious acceptance of his boner. Maybe he doesn't realize exactly what is going on. He's been without human interaction for a long time, this is just a normal reaction. Maybe he's not interested in physical interactions and is asexual. It did take him a long time to show you his face and today is about birthday celebrations. But aren't you two together now? This relationship isn't exactly defined but wouldn't physical intimacy be the next step? It's not like you want any one else and you know any other suitor would be dead by nightfall. God your thought process is spiraling.

As if reading your mind his grip tightens. Curling himself around you. His erection nudges your thigh as he slowly grinds against you. Squeezing his arm in surprise. It's a very sobering fact that Michael is now taking control of his birthday plans. 

"Uh… Michael? I-is there… I mean d-do you want me to help?" You're a stuttering mess. Blushing you can't believe that you just asked him if he wants you to take care of his erection. You can barely hold eye contact with him. There's a burning curiosity and darkness in his eyes. Gulping, you have no idea the chaos you just unleashed. But you're pretty sure you just opened Pandora's box.

[reynesofcastamere]

Surface Breach(1/3)[β]

(A/N: Apologies for the longer-than-usual wait on this one. I went back and forth a LOT on which direction I wanted to take this in. and both the weather and irl things have not been cooperating with my muse. X_X. Anyway, the prompt for this was  ‘Ahsoka completely breaking down and Maul comforting her’. Sequel to ‘Pressure Points’, so set about 2-3 years after ROTS with circumstances being closer to canon. Warnings for: Non-consensual abduction, emotional manipulation, possessive behaviour, intrusive thoughts, violent outbursts, violation of physical autonomy/boundaries, mentions of possible body modification/invasion of privacy, major character death and some internalized shame regarding sex and sexual practices. Once again, potentially triggering sections have been marked off with ‘****’. Unbeta’d.)

Ahsoka...drifts for an uncertain amount of time. She gets vague impressions of eating and performing other necessities as if through a thick haze. There’s a...person who helps her with these things. Someone with warm hands(which are very appreciated, wherever she is, it’s cold) and a low, pleasant voice that she could curl up and listen to for hours. Mostly she sleeps, deep and untroubled by nightmares or immediate concerns. When she comes to, there’s an overwhelming grogginess and a slight chemical tang on her tongue that she only gets from prolonged bacta treatment. Not full tank immersion, but there are a fair amount of patches stuck to her skin under the loose robe she’s currently wearing. Peeling them off carefully, she finds that most of the bruising and other marks that covered her body-like a tribute to poor decisions- are either gone or greatly reduced. And she doesn’t feel...sore in any tender places. Kind of a welcome change. Which now brings up the question of Where the kriff am I and how long have I been here?

Ahsoka catalogues her surroundings: Simple bed, storage unit, two doors presumably leading to a refresher and an outside corridor. It’s very...bare. Easily left behind or packed up. Whoever is staying here doesn’t plan to do so for long. She finds her lightsabres, clothes, and armour in the top drawer, and her boots placed neatly at the foot of the bed. Only when she is nearly finished getting dressed does she take out a long, even strip of black fabric. For a moment, she thinks that there must have been an error of some kind, until the memories of her most recent slip-up rush in like floodwater through a broken dam. There’s a hot, tight feeling in her gut that balances precariously between desire and shame. Maul has an obsessive personality. She knows this. So why am I encouraging this disaster by-Ahsoka can’t even finish the thought. It makes her sick. And so very angry. She’d made the mistake of seeking him out for something other than business, and he had flat-out abducted her. Any number of people or her objectives could be in danger right now. Her fingers fumble slightly on her wrist-comm as she checks it for tampering. Still functional. She’ll have to disassemble her equipment later, to ensure there aren’t any tracking chips or other unwelcome additions. 

He might have embedded something in me while I was under. It rattles her, not remembering, not knowing what Maul could have done, given the opportunity. And he’s close. Even with apprehension curdling in her veins, she can tell that much. Slipping the blindfold into a pocket, she pulls her boots on and pauses for a moment in front of the door. So. Time to find out whether she’s a prisoner or a...’guest’. It opens seamlessly, and she almost gives a sigh of relief. Until she realizes that it leads directly into his office. Ahsoka steps through into a moderate, dimly-lit space. The glow from the screen of the datapad he’s perusing throws Maul’s left side into sharp relief. “Sit.” No need to guess whom he’s addressing, or that he expects to be obeyed. And as there are no other chairs in the room -besides the one he’s currently occupying-, her options are limited. She folds her arms and prepares to stand her ground, only to find herself pulled forward. There is a struggle, though the distance is so short that by the time she breaks out of his Force grip, she’s already right in front of him. Ever the image of arrogance, he sets the ‘pad down, only now raking his gaze over her body. If it’s just to assess the state of her injuries, she might not mind. As much. Except this is Maul, so his motives are guaranteed to be awful at best and downright terrifying at worst. She takes the opportunity to loom over him, gripping the back of his chair with one hand. “You have one chance. Tell me why in the name of a Hutt’s karking diseased brood pouch you thought any of this was a good idea.” The odds are heavily in favour of him lying, or any facts being filtered through his...particular mindset. There is still a possibility that she can glean some scraps of truth from whatever pile of waste product he presents her with, though.

“You were incapacitated, and your stability is, shall we say...currently less than sound.” He answers, lazily resting the curve of his jaw against one set of knuckles as he sprawls. “I acted as I saw fit.” Even when appearing relaxed, Maul is still a coiled serpent. She can never forget that. “Although I am curious...What you might have done had you woken up alone.” “Gone back to work with a few new bruises.” Ahsoka retorts flatly. Which is true, minus some details. It might have at least given her more motivation to stay away from him; knowing with certainty that she is viewed as a plaything for him to use roughly and toss aside on a whim. If only.

“A poor deflection. Nevertheless...” Maul hooks two fingertips under her chin, pulling her oh-so-gradually towards him as he leans in close. The resulting kiss is unexpectedly gentle. She didn’t think he wanted... But he’s-this is-good. Not hurried or violent. She finds herself angling her head to get a bit more contact, tongue peeking out to tentatively flick at his lower lip. He purrs, and she feels...oddly pleased as the physical connection deepens. Their tongues entwine and slide in a tantalizing dance to the point where she hums. Ahsoka is dizzy from either a lack of oxygen or budding arousal when they pull apart, chest heaving slightly as she takes in some much-needed gulps of air.  Still, there has to be a catch.

“Explain why I should allow you to leave, Ahsoka Tano.” Sometimes, she really dislikes being right.

“That’s not something you get to decide.” Ahsoka practically spits in retaliation.

“You ran.” Maul hisses. Like she’d had any other choice. It doesn’t matter if he’s gentle, fucking is just one more way for them to hurt one another. “And avoided direct contact for months only to slink back beaten and exhausted to the point of collapse. I have spent the last four days looking after a husk.” Ahsoka nearly hates the look in his eyes right now. Because he is so very good at pretending to truly care that she almost believes it.“Is martyrdom so much more appealing?” The Dark Side seems to slither over her as he purrs, deceptively pleasant even while it attempts to invade.

**** She sinks into his lap as he tugs her down, thighs parting instinctively under his touch. He fills the space between them with far too much ease.  She refuses to urge him to get this over with, already. Bad enough that she wants anything from him in the first place, that trading pain, degradation and cruelty with a monster gets her off at all. Except that it does. Ahsoka had hoped at first that it was just the physical aspect; That finding someone who could bite and claw at her in the right way would satisfy this...twisted craving in her off-time. There had been satisfaction, and a few personal revelations, yet it wasn’t enough.  “Rex and I buried the men you killed. So many more innocents are dead, dying or suffering under the syndicate.” Any mention of Satine Kryze or Adi Gallia sticks in her throat. She cannot bear to see his pride over those victims while he’s touching her. “You’ll betray everyone and everything for power or revenge.” What good has it done, pushing herself to the absolute brink to fulfill her duties, all but throwing herself into the arms of strangers? She’s still here, on the receiving end of that searing and inescapable gaze. “And you still don’t get why I can’t stand to look at you when you’re-” Finishing the sentence is impossible, both because she cannot bring herself to say the words and suddenly she cannot stand him, his presence, his touch, any of it. 

“I should have just killed you then.” Her shoto is ignited and at his throat in the span of a heartbeat. Maul doesn’t retreat or let go, fingertips pressing bruises into her hips even as he half-bares his teeth in a silent snarl. Taking his head off would be right. The Rebellion needs his resources, not him. Criminals are easily manipulated, and Ahsoka will be free of these urges-The lightsabre is actually burning his skin now. He’s pressing into it, practically inviting-His eyes are-Her mouth is dry. Maul has always been a reminder of who she might have been, and what she might become if she ever loses herself. Everything comes crashing down on her at once, and the next thing she is truly aware of is that her weapon is deactivated and re-holstered, eyes leaking copious amounts of tears. **** He guides her hands to his chest, fingers automatically digging into the material of his vest once he lets go. Her face lowers to rest in the crook between neck and shoulder, breathing stuttered and wracked with quiet sobs while she trembles. Maul doesn’t embrace her. Merely...accommodates her current state of being. The pulse against her lips drops from frantic beats to a measured, steady rhythm. Ahsoka doesn’t want to be like him. Doesn’t want to go further down the path to becoming a desperate, selfish, manic person that would sit back and watch everything burn to ashes. 

Her chest is full of broken transparisteel and every breath hurts. The tears are a deluge that take far too long to dry out, and when they do she wants nothing so much as to sleep again; curled around a warm body for comfort and safety. Obviously she can’t do that for a number of reasons, but it would still be nice to have the option. “Does this-” A light brush along her flank. “-mean I am forgiven?”

“No.”

“Good. What I am, my actions...They do not affect who you are, Ahsoka Tano.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Is it not? When the Empire falls, you still intend to bring me to whatever ‘justice’-” Maul scoffs. “-Your reborn Republic sees fit to mete out. Our alliance has always been one of convenience. Physical intimacy does not change that.” “What the Republic will do to you is the least of what you deserve.” Ahsoka states with firm conviction, raising her head to make eye contact once more. “And am I really supposed to believe you’re not going to try and twist this to your own benefit?” “No.” He replies simply, though she can see that eerie, devouring light in his eyes beginning to emerge. “You already know what it is I want from you. And it means nothing if you come to me unwilling and utterly broken.”  “Hm. We’ll see how long that stance lasts.” Her response is justifiably skeptical. “I have work to do, so if you could point me in the direction of your hangar...”

“Of course.” Maul lists off directions as well as the model of ship she’ll be ‘borrowing’, her own presumably still hidden where she’d left it. “Close your eyes.” “What are you doing?” “Providing incentive. Return to my side when you are ready.” The pad of his thumb traces her lower lip sensually before he tries to close the remaining distance between their lips, only to have her lean away.

“If you want it that badly, you’ll have to catch me, next time.” She can practically feel the air crackle once the hushed provocation leaves her mouth. If she is to keep succumbing to these desires, it will be on her terms.

“It is not wise to tempt me when you are so close to freedom.” The rasp in his voice and the dilation of his pupils indicate that he is seconds away from pushing her down onto the desk and ravishing her senseless. The thrill of it is enough to make her grind down against him, once.

“Try it. We need to have a talk about boundaries anyway.” Ahsoka smiles, a challenge in her eyes as she loops and ties the blindfold around his left wrist before getting to her feet. “I’ll be in contact.” Maul actually lets her go when she walks away, this time. She feels...better. Not healed or whole, but better than she was. In any case, the work of toppling a tyrannical Empire waits for no one, and she has a lot to catch up on.  (A/N: Ahsoka’s still planning to see a med-droid ASAP, since they haven’t had that discussion yet and it’s been thoroughly established that Maul is Bad With Boundaries. I’m sure that most of you can guess what the second part will involve. [I’m predictable that way, lol.] In any case, I will be trying to get my WIPs out sooner and my inbox is still open to all interested parties. Cheers, everyone!)

[ships-for-you]

Dl and free matchup, if possible? I’m a 5’4, ISFJ and leo/virgo cusp female. I have an hourglass figure, darkgreen eyes, long blonde hair and fair skin. I’m usually quiet, but can be loud. I’m stubborn, thoughtful, headstrong, straightforward, but also secretly emotional. I like being active, reading, cooking, new adventures, scary things, fashion, music, art, animals and sybaritic tastes. I dress according to mood. I’m very into dark humour. I’m both serious and relaxed. thx!😇

I'd like to note that for your DL matchup, it could be a bit triggering(?) Or violent, in that regard. It could also be a bit offensive but when it comes to the DL fandom, we can only expect this much.😅

For Free, I ship you with Sosuke Yamazaki!

I personally found you to be Sosuke’s type.

Being quite stubborn and headstrong, I feel as if someone as level-headed and composed such as Sosuke will be able to keep someone like you on the correct mindset.

Sosuke is the type of person that although doesn’t openly state his feelings a lot, he’ll be sure to express it through his actions to compensate since that’s just in his character to do so.

He may always seem like he doesn’t care,

 and usually he doesn’t, since he doesn’t like to sweat the small stuff,

but he does and it shows with people he’s close to like Rin, and his group mates.

Sosuke isn’t particularly interested in relationships, I feel like but if he does feel like it,

he’ll know.

You’d have to be a friend of Gou’s or the Iwatobi swim team since Samezuka is an all-boy’s school so…

Like you would have to have been a transfer student because you wanted to experience the luxury of Japan firsthand, or something like that.

You’d probably bond with Gou over more feminine things like the cutesier side of your fashion tastes and the like.

When you like stuff like skirts, dresses, blouses or whatever, you’re pretty self-indulgent with it and tend to burn cash on it since you know you’ll look good in it, so why not?

Gou would be your shopping buddy, whether you actually buy something or just window shopping and eating sweets and stuff, she knows you and likes you.

Even if sometimes you may come across as snobby.

Rei likes you for his interest in all things beautiful so your appreciation and understanding for art so you two also bond in that regard.

You would have met Sosuke when you were cheering for Iwatobi as they were against Samezuka while training.

You would be observing each person’s swimming style just because you saw how different and diverse they mostly were.

Sosuke would’ve noticed you when practice was nearly over as he saw you conversing with the Iwatobi members and complimenting them for the power and grace they exuded while swimming.

At first he noticed your pale hair that wasn’t so natural of a color for an asian.

Then he noticed you just weren’t of their continent entirely.

He is intrigued by your style and physique because he’s never seen anyone like you in real life and not from the internet or magazines.

He honestly thought you could be a model and he’d pay good money for magazines you’d feature in…

But then he remembers that ew, that sounds creepy and really perverted also, he’s been staring in your general direction so not only has he gained the attention of Haruka’s team,

He also gained yours.

So he’d immediately turn away and pretend like nothing happened.

He’d start seeing you more often when you’re at competitions or tournaments, rooting for your friends 

Or maybe even at times he comes to visit Rin in his house and you’d answer the door because you probably were hanging out with Gou.

He’d start to develop more substantial feelings for you later on but if you expect him to confess immediately after realizing it, he wouldn’t.

Because at times, you do genuinely annoy him but then he also thinks you’re pretty chill to hang out with.

The way that you kind of suppress your emotions or what you’re feeling helps him understand why he’s also like that in regards to keeping his feelings and how it must make other people feel.

He’ll tell you how he feels after he fully understood the extent of his feelings and confess with a grand gesture that he’s probably been saving and planning for months just because he think you’ll prefer it that way.

If it’s what the lady wants, he’ll deliver.

For Diabolik Lovers, I ship you with Reiji Sakamaki!

Again, like most of my character matchups, the characters seem like they don’t have much in common with the sender of the request.

Here, it’s sort of different.

In all honesty, I didn’t doubt for a second that Reiji would be your match.

From the moment you set foot in the manor to accompany Yui, you were screwed.

But honestly, if it weren’t for the no killing rule and you being included in it as well, you would not have survived you first 3 days.

You weren’t as devoted to your religion as Yui was, or religious in general, and so you had little to nothing limiting your perception of what may be real and what couldn’t.

So when you started to notice something suspicious about your whole predicament and the unsettling aura your friend’s “relatives” were embodying, you were certain there was something wrong.

“They’re vampires, I know it.” “I don't think my-” “I’m telling you Yui, I know they’re vampires. What else could they be?”

And guess what? You were right.

Time progresses and it’s obvious your little companion had been the target of majority of the siblings mainly because they got more of a kick out of her expressions.

It really doesn't do for most of them to have someone as strong-willed or headstrong as you since it’s too bothersome.

Except for one,

Well, let’s be honest, there are actually 2 but nobody really cares about the other one,

Reiji will absolutely not take your bullshit, your disobedience, your “Insubordination.” as he calls it.

At first he enjoyed the fact that you were relatively quiet and so no additional noise was heard within the walls of the mansion as he’s, apparently,” heard enough tongues flap in their idiotic mouths.” already.

But because you were silent, you showed your resilience through your actions such as wandering around places you weren't supposed to, 

Touching things you weren't supposed to just because they seemed expensive and therefore pretty,

And occasionally stopping the others from feeding off of Yui.

That bothered him immensely, who are you to tell creatures, far superior in comparison to you, what to do? To hinder them from what they want and need?

Also to note, the fact you look quite similar to his older brother and his late mother?

Girl,

Your very existence is a THREAT to his "polite" reputation.

He simply cannot wait to torture you, discipline you until you know your place.

He wants to hear you scream, you've got a mouth, might as well get it to work.

Your blood isn't the best but he just adores the expression on your face, the satisfaction and gratification he feels when he knows he's driving you near the edge...

He doesn't allow you the luxury of dying though, which is unfortunate.

He does cater to your desires at times.

Although, in the end, it mostly benefits him. For example,

Showcasing his prized fine china set. Preparing tea for you in one of the most beautiful cups you've ever seen,

Only for the tea to be poisoned, or drugged.

He'd strike you hard with his whip, should you show your subordination again.

Oh, but only with his best one, made with the finest of Italian leather. You'd like that, won't you?

Oh, you care for fashion, don't you? He'll be sure to dress you up according to your status in his eyes.

So a maid outfit will have to do.

Sometimes, he's punished you by keeping you bare and cold and so you'd occasionally get sick. Peasants don't usually have clothes unless they beg for rags.

But you know better than to beg, don't you?

He's training you to be the only woman worthy of his time. His ideal woman.

His ideal blood bag.

So what if you're not the Eve? You're his and his alone. He'll keep you with him until he becomes Adam either way.

It doesn't matter if he keeps you as his little spoiled pet or his high-maintenance servant.

You're his and his alone.

~~~~~|~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~|

[writingformadderton]

The Book of You and I - Part 4

Ship: Madderton

Word Count: 3458

Summary: Taron keeps his distance from his friends and Richard,feeling betrayed. Richard gives him time but it quickly shows how bad they cope with it. When they mess up a scene Richard suggests to talk about it and Taron wants Dexter with them to calm them both down. During the talk a lot of things come up that change Taron’s life all over again.

Additional Tags: emotional hurt, dizzy, Tiny dancer, argument, memories, crying, comfort

Dedicated to @taron-eggmcmuffin ❤️

Part 3  Part 5

Taron stays at home during those two weeks and barely eats anything. He knows he should, but he can’t convince himself to do so. His head hurts and he’s emotionally unstable, feeling terrible.

He looked up his and Richard’s name for the first time and found articles about them getting into the car crash. As he scrolls further down, he finds some where they suggested a relationship between them. Taron clicks on “images” and finds a ton of them. Most are of them being outside together, having dinner or giving interviews. Taron looks at the pictures closely and sees the looks they shared. “God you’re getting brainwashed by these dumbass articles.” he growls and finds a interview of them on YouTube. He considers watching it and stares at his screen for ten minutes until it turns off automatically. Taron gives himself a push, logs back in and clicks on it. “Holy shit.” he breathes out when he sees it’s from five years ago. He looks at himself, only twenty-four back then and Richard next to him, twenty-seven years old. They fool around through the interview just like they did a couple weeks ago. He watches other ones and sees the way their behavior with each other changes throughout the years. They get more comfortable around another, finish each other’s sentences and seem to know exactly what the other one is going to say. But were they really a couple? Not possible. Probably just stupid shit talk.

He throws his phone aside and stares up at the ceiling. Tomorrow would be his first day back at work. The first day he sees Dexter and Richard. Bryce told him she would be on set tomorrow as well to keep him company and Taron was glad to have her around.

Taron isn’t fully sure if it’s good to return to work tomorrow, but he knows he needs a daily routine again. He sat around the house more than he could possibly remember of his old life. T growls a bit and turns onto his side, staring out of the window. It’s like the bright sun and deep blue sky wanna mock him, not fitting his mood at all.

_

After a sleepless night, he gets up with a horrible headache and takes a quick shower. He dresses up slowly as every movement hurts his head and grabs his apartment keys. Welp, welcome back to the real world.

_

On set he is greeted by Bryce, who watches him worried. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just haven’t slept properly the last four days.” he says and rubs his face tiredly. If this bloody headache would stop, he would feel better.

She hands him a pair of glasses. “Put those on.”

“Thanks.” he mumbles and follows her to the main building. Going in with Bryce by his side gives him a bit of security. Inside, he takes the glasses off again. The light isn’t as bright. When he comes inside the meeting room, he sees Dexter chatting with Jamie and Elton is also here today.

Just when they’re about to start, Richard steps inside, taking off his sunglasses. T glances at him and sees the dark circles underneath his eyes, the same he had seen beneath his own this morning. Ten minutes into the meeting, Taron feels himself getting dizzy and looks down at the floor irritated. His head hurts and he starts to feel sick while his world starts spinning.

“Taron, are you okay?” Bryce asks worried as her friend stumbles a bit and tries to hold himself up.

Richard looks over at them and tenses when he sees how pale Taron gets. “Sit him down.” he says to Bryce. Jamie helps her sit Taron down on the floor. Richard walks over to him and sits down in front of him. “Are you dizzy?” he asks and looks at him observantly.

“Mm.” T just hums and tries to blend out the black spots before his eyes.

“You should drink some water.” Rich says and takes a bottle from Dex. He opens it and holds it towards Taron. T takes it with shaking hands and takes a tiny gulp. Richard watches him closely. It’s scary to see him like that again. “When did you eat properly the last time?” he asks, knowing T stopped doing it whenever he was sad or extremely stressed. Taron just shrugs his shoulders and Rich nods slowly. The rest starts talking, giving them some space and Taron rubs his face tiredly. “Can we talk later?” Richard asks low enough for only T to hear and Taron looks at him shortly before shaking his head with tears in his eyes. “Okay. Then go home, eat something and get some sleep. You definitely pushed it too far.” he says.

“I can only tell you the same.” Taron says and raises his eyebrows at him.

Rich laughs weakly and pushes himself up. Taron gets up as well shaking a bit and sits down on the sofa. Bryce sits next to him and rubs his shoulder shortly. Dexter continues and Richard leans against the wall, feeling his own body growing tired. T was right. He needs sleep and a proper meal. But the last two weeks have made it impossible. He felt bad about lying to Taron, and he still doesn’t know the whole truth.

_

Three days later, both of them come to set feeling better physically. T shoots the Tiny Dancer scene and has some fun on set with Jamie before starting to sing. Soon enough, it’s already late and he’s freezing from standing in the dark, cold nighttime atmosphere. He sits on the top step of a little staircase and the scene starts. Taron hears Richard approaching him and takes a deep breath. Rich starts saying his lines and sits down next to him. As soon as Taron looks into those deep blue eyes, he feels the hurt welling back up inside him. He looks at him remaining silent and feels a tear running down his cheek. “I can’t do this.” he whispers and Rich bites his lower lip. “I can’t pretend to fall in love with you after what happened.”

“I know.” Richard says low-voiced and looks at him sad. “I’m sorry, T. Can we talk about it, please?”

Taron takes a shuddery breath and looks down at his knees. “When?”

“After the shoot maybe? I’ll drive you home… if you want to.” he suggests.

T nods slowly. “Okay. But I think we should take Dex with us.”

“Yea.” Richard says and gets up. “Dex?” he shouts and Dexter comes over to them. “We can’t do this right now. Not like this.” their director nods and looks at them. “We wanna talk about it.”

“Everything?” Dex asks and watches Richard curiously.

“Everything.” he says firmly and nods.

“Can you come with us? Probably won’t end well otherwise.” T admits and gets up.

“If that’s okay with you.” Dexter says and Taron nods. Seems like his friend wasn’t that mad at him.

_

Richard changed into jeans and a sweater, which is a lot more comfortable at 11:30pm than the suit he was wearing before. Taron changed into a pair of blue jeans and his favorite sweater. Seeing it makes Rich smiles a bit. It’s one of his that Taron kept when they got together. They sit down at the round table and Taron doesn’t know where to look.

“Do either of you wants to start?” Dexter asks them and both remain silent, hoping the other one would start. “Taron?”

T shifts in his seat a bit before looking at them. “You two made me feel like shit, honestly. You lied to my face and you were the ones I trusted with my stupid life that I know nothing about.” he feels the tears coming back but he doesn’t care this time. They needed see what they did to him. How he felt.

“I can understand that you’re upset about it but we had our reasons. The last time Richard tried to tell you, you told him kindly to leave and never talked to him again because you couldn’t remember him.” Dex states.

“Oh and that’s my fault now? I wasn’t the one who was driving. I was the victim in this crash.” Taron growls and shoots his friend a glare.

“Okay, next time I’ll run over a woman and probably kill her. Is that what you want?” Rich spits out and looks at him angrily. What happened that evening was neither his nor Taron’s fault. “You’d be traumatized now, just like I am. Sometimes it’s better not to remember something.” he says and sees Taron’s face going blank.

“Yeah, because you’re having such a hard time.” T laughs pejoratively and rolls his eyes.

“You don’t know shit about me. So don’t judge me on the last two months you’ve known me.” Richard says harshly and looks at him serious.

“And that’s it.” T leans forward and looks at him, feeling himself getting angry. “I don’t know shit about all of you. I don’t know shit about where I grew up, my family, my friends. The worst out of all of them is I don’t know shit about myself.” his voice cracks as he leans back in his chair again and shakes his head. “And it’s fucking gross to play with that, both of you. You don’t lie to someone who feels lost and depends on stories from others.”

“I tried to protect you, Taron. I know this wasn’t the best way.” Rich tries and gets cut off by Taron letting out a loud breath.

“If I really mean so much to you that you feel the need to protect me…then don’t fucking play with my issues.” he says through gritted teeth. “I need to be able to trust you, because trust is all that I have left.”

“I know.” The Scottish mumbles.

“No you don’t! Everyone thinks they know how it is for me, but they don’t. I can’t sleep because I’m constantly overthinking. I forget to eat. I panic late at night when my brain realizes once more there’s nothing left to remember!” he stops for a moment and wipes away the tear on his cheek. “I pull myself out of this shit day after day. You weren’t there to help!”

“I was, Taron. As you know now, I drove the bloody car. I was the one calming you down when you hit your head and I pulled you out of the car unconscious and covered in blood.” Richard says and it’s the first time he actually puts it into words in front of Taron. His throat gets tight at the thought of Taron at that evening.

“Well you were gone after the car crash, left me on my own. Where was the guy the media called my boyfriend, huh? Probably realized I’m no longer useful and just dropped me off at home.” Taron spits out and tucks his legs up on his seat.

“Who told you that shit?” he asks frowning.

“Don’t answer with a question.” he just says and looks at him, challenging him.

“I picked you up from the hospital and brought you home. On the first day, you handed me a picture of us. The second day, you said you need space. You practically erased me from your life. I would’ve never left you willingly.”

Taron remains silent for a moment and all the anger slowly fades. “And how should I know that you’re not lying to me again, right now?” he asks tiredly.

“Taron, Richard was your boyfriend.” Dexter steps in and T looks at him with raised eyebrows.

“How could you wanna prove that? With some shitty articles blogs would post when I went out with whoever for dinner tonight?” his voice shakes heavy now and he slips into hurt and sadness instead of anger now.

“I can’t do more than tell you again, I was there.” Rich says tiredly, getting frustrated.

“Prove it.” T says and shrugs his shoulders.

Richard groans and rubs his face. How the fuck was I supposed to prove the relationship was real? Suddenly, he remembers the letter he wrote for Taron on the day he left. “Hey, my name is Taron Egerton. I was involved in a bad car accident and am suffering from a retrograde amnesia, which means I forgot a lot.”

Dex watches him confused. “What the heck are you doing?”

“Shut up for a second.” T says and looks at Richard shocked.

“If I feel bad right now, it would be lovely if you could get me to a hospital. If I’m on my own and I don’t know what’s going on, I should call my mother.” Richard continues with a shaking voice.

“Here is her number. Thank you.” Taron finishes it and Richards nods. “Why the fuck do you know this?”

“Because I wrote that when I brought you home and you didn’t want me around anymore.”

Taron gets up quickly and gets a pen and a piece of paper. “Write it down.” he says and presses his lips together. Rich does as he says and writes down the first sentence. Taron recognizes his hand writing immediately and swallows hard. Did he really -?

Richard takes out his phone and removes the phone case. He takes out a picture and hands it to Taron. “That’s what you gave me.” Taron looks at the picture. That’s actually very cute. He’s smiling softly into the camera while Richard presses a kiss into his hair with his eyes closed. His eyes fill with tears and he looks back at Rich shocked. “That’s my sweater.” he says and points at T.

“It’s my favorite.” Taron admits and looks down at the dark blue soft sweater that gave him comfort so often before.

“I know.” Rich smiles softly. He searches for Taron’s number and presses call. The words “My love” appear on the screen and Taron looks down at his phone a bit startled. “The reason why my Air Pods connected so fast to your phone was because we always listened to your music with my headphones.” Richard looks up to Taron, standing there completely in shock and disbelief. “Can I show you something on your phone?”

Taron nods timidly and hands it to him. He watches Richard opening his photo gallery and scrolling down to the folder with the password. “I didn’t know the password, so I couldn’t open it.” Richard types it in and looks up to him shortly, before writing it down at the piece of paper. Taron’s eyes fill with tears and they threaten to fall down his cheeks as he sees the words “Theloveofmylife.”. He turns pale when he looks back at his phone and sees all the pictures of Rich and him kissing, cuddling, holding hands or at premieres together.

Taron falls onto his chair heavily and takes his phone back with shaking hands. He looks at the letter, Richard’s handwriting and the password. “Fuck.” is all he gets out and buries his face in his hands for a moment. When he looks up, tears are rolling down his face and he lets out a shuddery breath, tangling his hands in his hair while leaning forward. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks and his voice cracks in the middle of the sentence.

“When you knew about it and pushed me away, I decided to not tell you this time. I wanted to let you figure things out on your own and put the pieces together with time. It felt like forcing the fact of us as a couple onto you.” Richard explains lowly. “You can’t tell someone that they love you.”

“I-I don’t know what to say right now.” T says and his voice threatens to crack again.

“Do you understand now why we didn’t tell you about Rich and you in the first place?” Dex asks carefully and T nods slowly.

“How long have we been together?” he asks and looks at Rich, who watches him sad.

“Seven months. You wanted to make it official because you were sick of hiding it. You were talking about a future together and - two minutes later we crashed into a wall.”

“So we were happy?” Rich nods. “Did we fight?”

“Not often, harmless.” he says. “It was always about unimportant things and you came back after five minutes to cuddle.” he chuckles softly.

“Was I-Was I a good boyfriend?” he asks timidly.

“The best.” he says with a sad smile.

Taron sits up straight and nods slowly. “Tell me about the car crash. Please.”

Richard knows he’s the only one who can tell him the whole story and so he gives in. “Everything was fine until a drunk woman suddenly crossed the street. I couldn’t stop the car fast enough, so I pulled sideways. We crashed into a wall and you hit your head really bad. Had a nasty wound on your forehead. I was a bit caught up in the shock but then you asked for me and threw up. You couldn’t sit up straight because of the pain and I tried to calm you down… And then you passed out.”

“Did I say anything before I passed out?” Taron asks curiously.

“I love you forever, okay?” Richard hesitantly says and swallows hard after seeing Taron’s face going blank. “Listen, I won’t force anything onto you and if you don’t feel good around me anymore I’ll back out of the role. Blame it on stress or whatever.” Rich rubs his face tiredly and bites his lower lip nervously. “If you want me to go, I’ll do it.”

The Welsh looks up to him caught up in thoughts. “Why would you do that?”

“Because you were the most important person in my life and I wouldn’t do anything to make you feel bad on purpose.” Richard looks down at the table for a moment. “Which is why I felt like shit as well those past two weeks.”

Taron watches him startled and looks deep into Richard’s eyes. He wasn’t lying. T looks back at the picture and the letter before looking at Richard. “I’m so sorry for this mess, Rich.” he says and his voice cracks. “And the car crash wasn’t your fault. I was talking dumb shit.”

“It’s not your fault, T.” Richard assures him weakly.

Taron grabs his hand hesitantly and looks at him with tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Rich.” Richard smiles at him sadly and shakes his head. It wasn’t Taron’s fault that he forgot everything. “Can I hug you?” T asks timidly as he gets up and Rich just opens his arms, doing the same. Taron wraps his arms around his waist and buries his face in his shoulder.

Richard tightens his hesitant grip around Taron and softly rubs his back as he starts crying. “Hey, it’s okay.” he whispers and Taron just shakes his head.

His whole world just got turned upside down. Again. He would have never thought that Richard and him had been a thing. Maybe that was the reason that he felt so good around him so quickly and got hurt so badly when he found out about the lie. “I’m so sorry. I completely ignored the fact that I’m not the only one who’s struggling with this.”

“You didn’t know. It’s okay, bub.” Rich says and fondles over his hair. He knows exactly where to touch him to calm and comfort him.

“Please give me a chance to make it right again. I was talking shit about you.” T begs and clings onto him.

Richard pulls back and cups Taron’s face. “Calm down. You did nothing wrong.” he looks into his sad puppy eyes and feels the urge to kiss him. But he holds himself back and wraps him into a hug again. “Don’t blame yourself now, please.”

“I’m so sick of this shit.” T sniffs into his shoulder.

“I know.” Rich mumbles. “Me too, T. Me too.”

“Please don’t lie to me again. I really can’t take this.” he chokes out and sobs into his shoulder helplessly.

“I won’t.” Rich promises and plants a soft kiss into his hair.

@fuseburner @sarahegerton96 @multicoloredchicken @primaba11erina @anxiety-at-the-classroom @maddertonmyheart @madderton-obsessed 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 245: The Second One

Previously on BnHA: We kicked off day one of New Internships with a fun-filled morning of shenanigans. Highlights included: (1) an old bearded man gallivanting around town telling everyone the world is going to end (and making a surprising amount of sense); (2) Bakugou and Deku attempting to rough up a group of impassioned hobos, only to have their thunder stolen from right underneath their noses; and (3) Hawks, the thunder-stealer himself, who proceeded to be all “what’s up fellas, hey Endeavor did you miss me?” Endeavor, who totally did miss him, pretended like he had not, and meanwhile Hawks introduced himself to Endeavor’s new trainees: Finger-Smashing Kid, Kid Who Used To Work For The Guy You Just Murdered, and Shouto (Just Shouto). Then he pulled out a copy of Re-Destro’s book and was all, “hey Endeavor have you heard of this book which was really important to the plot in the previous arc? I think you should read it, for reasons!!” and Endeavor just kind of stared at him, which wasn’t exactly inspiring. Anyways let’s see if these two idiots can manage to pull this off.

Today on BnHA: Hawks shoves the Liberation Army’s book into Endeavor’s hands while staring at him with the intensity of a thousand suns, and then, to avoid suspicion, proceeds to hand out another 500,000 copies of the book without even being asked. He then flies back to the PLF headquarters and is all “good news gentlemen, I gave out copies of the Army’s book to everyone in Japan!” and they’re all “that’s great, Hawks!” because somehow it turns out that this was actually a good plan. Back at the Endeavor Agency HQ, the kids meet Endeavor’s 30+ other sidekicks, who are all “now let’s all stand around and wait for Endeavor to tell us what to do.” Over in his office, Endeavor shrewdly deduces that Hawks was trying to tell him something, and pieces together the hidden code Hawks left in his book, which basically reads “IN FOUR MONTHS WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.” Back at the PLF, the League cheerfully discusses their plot to blow up the entire world come Springtime. Which apparently everyone is on board with. So, uh, does anyone else feel like they accidentally fell asleep during a really important part of the movie, because uh. What.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity afterward, and added a few ETAs in the process, but aside from that there are no changes.)

okay so two things: (1) as I mentioned in a previous post, Caleb Cook reported that this chapter took him more than 4 times longer than usual to translate. so like, what does that mean?? guess we’re about to find out!

and (2) HAWKS’S REAL NAME. I started typing up this recap early just so I could liveblog my reaction, since it seems that the databook has leaked, and I figure I’m going to stumble across this sooner rather than later. so I’m just going to look it up now here goes!!

AHHHH TAKAMI KEIGO AHHHH

lol. I have no idea what that actually means. let me look up some more stuff about this

oooh thank you reddit!

ooh damn, I love it!? “hawk” + “vision” lolol HORIKOSHI BACK AT IT AGAIN. but “watchman” is a really nice bonus what with how it relates both to the whole spying biz, and in a more general sense toward what he is trying to do as a hero trying to protect society. plus the name “Keigo” just has a really nice sound to it in general. kind of a boyish, youthful sound. not too hard or soft. idk. I like it. that was my favorite character in Bleach too

also apparently both of the kanji used for “Keigo” mean “enlightenment” oooh. my god I could analyze this all day. this being Thursday night, I’ll have some time to ruminate before I read the chapter tomorrow, so if I have any epiphanies I will add them in later!

(ETA: no additional thoughts on this right now, but there is now a ton of other content out from Ultra Analysis, so let’s take a quick look at some of that!

Haagen Dazs’s gender:  I now feel vindicated in continuing to refer to him as a “he” even after the face reveal! let this be a lesson to everyone never to judge a shounen character solely by how pretty they are. not that it wouldn’t have been nice to have another female villain! anyways the important thing is that I still don’t have his name memorized and never will!

Thirteen’s gender?!: now this, I don’t really like. Thirteen was already in the previous databook IIRC and their gender was ambiguous. which to be frank was awesome. having a canon nonbinary character was sick. why you gotta do this now Horikoshi smdh.

Reason for Shouji’s mask: nooooo poor Shouji. people in quirk society are jerks! lol I get the arms being scary, but his face?? now I really want to see what he looks like though. it would be cool if he became more accepting of himself as a result of hanging with his chill classmates and decided to ditch the mask. anyways my boy needs a hug.

and there’s a lot of other stuff, including a whole series of cute segments showing the characters’ relationships with each other, but I think I’ll save those for another post because otherwise this would get way too off-track. but man, so far I’m really loving this.)

okay kiddos. it is now Friday, and time to take our horse to the hype town road. I have been waiting all fucking week for this shit so it had better not disappoint!

“Rising to Action” ooh, nice. guess this is not much of a “sit still” gang, here

okay so we’re picking off right where we left off, and guys, I just need to know, does anyone other than me find this kind of hilarious

like, I don’t know why but just. Endeavor’s face. omg. he just looks like he’s trying so hard to figure out what’s wrong. I think what it is is that this is the exact same bemused/perplexed expression that Shouto gets on his face all the freaking time, and it just tickles me to no end that the apple apparently doesn’t fall far from the tree. ahh Shouto I know you don’t want to hear this but damn boy you look like your dad

anyways. I think we can all agree Endeavor should not be looking this adorable and what the hell. let’s move on

LOOOOOOL

why is this so funny ahhhhhhh. they’re so fucking serious please stop. I mean, but of course they’re serious, though. the weird one is me, right? whatever!

so now here’s the handoff. between these two super-serious dudes

Endeavor you had better not do like me and be all “of course I’ll read it!” fully intending to follow through (really!) but then you never do and everyone is super disappointed and you start to read something else instead, all the while feeling incredible guilt! my point is, Endeavor, I hope you don’t have ADHD or we’re all fucking screwed omg

lol though thankfully we have a backup!

“oh boy!” clamors Deku, a gleam of excitement in his eye. “homework!”

OH MY GOD

WHO ARE YOU, OPRAH

ff now he’s just SLAPPING THEM INTO THEIR HANDS omg. this is amazing

love how Katsuki is keeping an extra 1.5 meters of space in between him and the others because cooties. or something

anyways! I really want them all to read it actually so this is awesome! KACCHAN YOU ESPECIALLY. I want you to read it and then give it a disgusted 1 star review on goodreads. show me how much you’ve grown kiddo

lmaooo

Todoroki Shouto. god’s perfect idiot. bless this child. someone explained Occam’s razor to him one day, and he just sat there nodding like “yes that makes perfect sense” and proceeded to apply it to every fucking thing in his life from there on out. “what’s Hawks doing carrying around 10,000 copies of The Book of PLF and just handing them out to strangers like an old lady on Halloween? processing... processing... oh I see, he probably just REALLY LIKES THE BOOK how keen”

this is what Hawks is up against. this squad of certified morons with two whole brain cells shared among them on a good day. boy literally brought three backup secret messages just in case Endeavor was too dense to figure this out, only to watch these kids exclaim, with perfect sincerity, “GOSH, HAWKS MUST REALLY LIKE THIS BOOK, HUH”

and meanwhile the best Endeavor can do is “............something.......... feels.... off.......” fml. we’re all gonna die. Hawks, I’m sorry. you tried!! next time give Momo your secret message instead!

so now he says that he’s actually recommending this book to all of his acquaintances omg. don’t tell me this handsome canary is actually going around handing out books to every single person he knows?? all to cover up this one action of giving Endeavor the book with the secret message highlighted in it?? okay guys help me decide: is this brilliance or stupidity? like, what is even going on inside Hawks’s head. “I’ll just fly around handing out copies of Atlas Fucking Shrugged to everyone I meet. that’ll seem really natural”

I s2g Endeavor if you don’t follow up on this...! THE WORLD IS COUNTING ON YOU YOU BIG MEATHEAD. GET TO READIN’. MAKE LEVAR PROUD

and now Hawks is flying away with his hands in his pockets

godspeed you dramatically casual bastard

now Deku is all “you know, he’s not much older than us, but he really seems like he’s got his shit together!” which, yeah. don’t you hate that? the truth is though it’s all an act, and he’s actually just as screwed up as the rest of you! the moral is: never trust any 22-year-old who seems like they’ve got their shit together. because, no. he sits on a throne of lies

Endeavor are you actually being thoughtful??!

oh my god. we may actually have a chance here. praise be

now we are cutting to the Endeavor agency! guys, fucking look at this fucking ‘E’, though

ngl that shit is dope. I’m mad. I would buy his merch just for the logo and I hate that about myself

holy shit

the... flaming hot... oh my god

holy shit there’s so many of them

(ETA: hold up -- “Bakugou” and “Shouto”? this is a crucial detail here; they’re using Bakugou’s last name, but Shouto’s given name. so either they’re calling him Shouto because they know his pop, or -- more likely -- they’re calling him “Shouto” because that’s his hero name. in which case, “Bakugou” most likely also refers to “Bakugou” as in the hero name, not his actual name. meaning that still is his hero name. meaning he is still undecided. fucking... Katsuki. honey. why.

ffff and the new databook seems to support this too. instead of a hero name, Horikoshi just wrote “XXX” indicating he still hasn’t made up his mind. welp. looks like it’s back on that slow burn character development train, folks. maybe by the end of this arc, though? please? Horikoshi? Horikoshi damn it look at me.)

so this is how the number one operates, huh. meanwhile All Might only ever had one sidekick, and reluctantly at that. he really was so far out ahead of everyone else that he was basically untouchable. crazy

anyways, yes! they don’t know anything about anything so please teach them!

good grief this girl says Endeavor has over thirty sidekicks?? lmao and her name is “Burnin’.” please tell me the missing g is an actual part of her name please I need this

wow, Burnin’ really went and tried to pick a fight with my famously hot-tempered son knowing full well what his personality is like. and just look at him keeping his cool and firing back though

oh, Katsuki. [hair ruffle] he will thrive here

damn these guys are passionate

Endeavor seriously picked these people as his sidekicks? that Endeavor? they didn’t annoy the shit out of him?? that man is an enigma

btw can we all just stop here for a moment and give a shoutout to this horse-looking dude because. look at him. amazing. new fave

anyway so now the mummy-looking guy is explaining how they organize their shift schedule

so professional. this really is the big leagues

yoooooo my boy is FIRED UP. READY TO SAVE SOME BITCHES! YESSSSS WIN AND RESCUE LET’S DO THIS

LET’S FUCKING GOOOO omg I love him so much. Kacchan you need to cool it or I’m going to spend this whole fucking chapter ruffling your hair

(ETA: incidentally, here’s something I neglected to point out earlier: in spite of being a belligerent asshole in general, Katsuki for the most part is actually surprisingly respectful to most adults, especially heroes. so it’s interesting then that so far, this doesn’t seem to apply to Hawks. he almost seems to consider him another rival rather than another mentor/teacher-type figure to learn from. I wonder if this is because -- as Deku pointed out earlier this chapter -- Hawks is much closer to them in age than the other heroes. it’s interesting that that was pointed out -- and that in the very next panel Katsuki was grumbling about how Hawks pisses him off, at that.

anyway. this BakuHawks rivalry seems to be an established thing now, so I’m very curious to see how this develops.)

lol now Mummy Guy is all “that’s great! now we just need to wait for Endeavor to tell us what to do!” and Kacchan is like “WHAT”

I mean, he’s got a point lol. “we’re so busy!” “great let’s get to work!” “actually we don’t have any work yet!” like, what a fucking tease. don’t worry Kacchan, they’re just waiting to make sure they assign you boys a job that’s plot-related so we don’t waste any time

ahhh, and now we finally come to the moment we’ve all been waiting for! the part that apparently took four hours to translate! ENDEAVOR READING A BOOK

yeah he was acting like he had a freaking gun to his head. why don’t heroes have secret code phrases they can use to let each other know some weird fucking shit is up? or maybe they do, but since he’s being recorded and since PLF has some heroes on roster who probably know those same codes (looking at you, Slidin’), Hawks didn’t want to risk one of them figuring it out. that makes sense

ahhh, here we go

don’t tell me Caleb tried to translate this whole thing. though I gotta admit I am hella curious

anyway. so the rest of this page is Endeavor metaing about Hawks, and it’s some good stuff, ngl

he really is fond of him, huh. look at all those pictures. how many mental snapshots did you take of this kid smiling?? he’s so adopted it hurts

and look at the concern in that last panel! “why is he acting so weird, that’s not like him, I’ve got to get to the bottom of this.” damn, Hawks really did put his trust in the exact right person and it’s paying off

ENDEAVOR STOP MAKING THESE SOFT WORRIED FACES ABOUT HAWKS RIGHT THIS INSTANT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THESE FEELS

god damn!! I don’t know why, but I continue to be surprised and impressed at how the character development of Endeavor is actually a subscribe and save deal and not just a one-time purchase. fucking look at Todoroki Enji, proud annual recipient of a different “world’s worst dad” mug every Father’s Day, actually caring enough about another human being to notice the subtle changes in his behavior and realize something is wrong. bruh. good for you!! human compassion is a damn good look for you, negl. fucking growth right here and I’m here for it

anyways, on to the hidden code!

and here are all of the highlighted portions for your code-breaking pleasure

fucking feel like I’m reading Detective Conan right now. yeesh

oooh!

BINGPOT LOOOOOL WHY DID I GET SO EXCITED OKAY LET ME GO BACK AND READ!

“the” “enemy” “liberation” “army” ahhhhhh! HAWKS YOU SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH. GOOD JOB ENDEAVOR!

and now we’re cutting back to Hawks, nooooo I wanted to see Endeavor’s reaction! come on!

lmao although it’s worth it to see Hawks mentally roasting Endeavor exactly like I was mere pages ago omg

his fucking face omg. that’s right Hawks, he’s not the brightest crayon in the box. not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board. he’s a few fries short of a happy meal. the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor

but give him some credit, though! because he did figure it out! not necessarily because he was clever, but because he knows you!

oh shit lol

OH SO YOU PLANNED THAT PART TOO. WELL OKAY THEN

goddamn. he really is a clever bastard. and okay but in all seriousness, I fucking love that he has enough faith in this weird connection between them that out of all the ploys he could have gone with, this is what he chose. he seriously put all his eggs in the “Endeavor will figure it out from my face” basket. and it fucking paid off. this is awesome

AHHHHHHHHHHHH HERE WE GO

LOOK AT HIS EYE OH MY GOD. YOU CAN SEE THE EXACT MOMENT WHEN HE REALIZES HOW SCREWED THEY ALL ARE, YES, FUCK, THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR OH GOD

and we’re cutting back to Hawks again! I’ll just assume the rest of his message went something like “we” “are” “boned” and Endeavor’s face was like :o

BACK AT THE OL’ VILLAIN HOTEL!!!

LOL WHAT IS THIS

THEY HAVE A FUCKING COUNCIL NOW

whose seat is that over on the left? Hawks’s? is Gigantomachia actually wearing a shirt?? AND SHOW US TOMURA’S FACE HORIKOSHI YOU COWARD

lmao oh my god are they really buying this shit

look at him. so trustworthy. nothing to suspect over here! just a 100% sincere born-again villain committed to the cause!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NOOOOOO MY BABIES ARE EXPOSED. HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER PROTECT THEM I SWEAR TO GOD!!!

wow is the whole conversation just shifting over to the topic of Deku now, seriously?

oh my god oh my god oh my god. like. it’s been so long since the forest lodge and Kamino that I almost forgot that the League already knows these kids. they did fight Deku and Shouto briefly in the woods, and then they had an extended fight against Katsuki later on, although Dabi was unconscious for that part. anyways, shit. just like that they’re on their radar again I’m getting chills omgggg

(ETA: at least they’re underestimating them, though. “looks like he hasn’t gotten much stronger.” boy have you not heard about his bloop? that bloop will fuck you up just you wait!)

so now have some weird panels of Hawks walking through a door

(ETA: ohhhh you can see the door closing on the tip of his wing close-up! sneaky!)

ooh! wtf are you serious he can use his feathers to eavesdrop?!

(ETA: it only just clicked on my second read-through that Spinner of all people appears to be the mastermind behind this plan? like, am I reading this right? is he Tomura’s second-in-command now or what? damn, boy, good for you.)

okay, question. if he could do this the entire time, why did they even need him to pretend to join the League at all? I guess you never know when having a man on the inside who can possibly influence their decision-making will come in handy. but still, it seems to me like he could have easily done the spying bit without ever having to join up. ehhh but I guess there’s probably a range limit, and too much risk of the feathers getting caught and destroyed... eh, fine. I’ll allow it

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT EXCUSE ME WHAT?????

AND OF COURSE THAT’S THE END OF THE CHAPTER, LOL, FUCK. EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO STAND IN A CORNER AND SCREAM

lol “danger lurks” fucking you think?? what the hell! so they have an actual plan already, with the details outlined to the extent that they actually have a freaking timetable and everything? and the Liberation Army is on board with this whole thing too? the “destroying everything” part and all? this is too much to process all at once fuck me I can’t

okay! so four months from now is also when the kids will enter their second year! so that means Shinsou can get in on this action too. I’m trying to think of other significant plot things this could potentially imply, but none are coming to mind right now, other than it’ll be the anniversary of USJ. but that’s basically it. -- oh, wait, this also means that there’ll be a new first-year class of students at U.A. too! so that could be interesting. some potential new characters, and a chance for Deku and the others to be senpais. incidentally, to the best of my knowledge the kids will all stay in the same class and Aizawa will continue to be their homeroom teacher in year two. so nothing will change really aside from them becoming 2-A rather than 1-A. and Shinsou joining them, as mentioned. omg

anyway! let me see, any other stray thoughts before I wrap this up? I guess it’s worth noting that Toga’s eye is fine. the League has healed up pretty nicely in general actually. like, that’s seriously impressive for a group that doesn’t have Recovery Girl on staff. how long has it even been since Deika? a few weeks? this is almost ridiculous

and the “boom” -- is that literal? like they’re actually planning to blow everything up? or is that a metaphorical boom. fucking what kind of plan did they come up with where they actually think they can destroy THE ENTIRETY OF JAPAN all at once? is there a doomsday device?? what exactly is this “power” they’re talking about? HAWKS WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR STUPID MESSAGE YOU BOOB

hahaha. anyways. it came down to the last two pages, but that certainly was a reveal worthy of all the hype. to sum: yikes

[salvatoreschool]

10 Things to Know About Kaylee Bryant, Who Is Already All Over Your TV

If you only just became familiar with Kaylee Bryant because of her role on Legacies, you've been missing out. Though she may be best known as Josie Saltzman on The Vampire Diaries and The Originals spinoff series, the 21-year-old beauty has been working on her résumé for years, landing guests roles like Sarah in Santa Clarita Diet and Lacey in The Real O'Neals, as well as a starring role in the 2014 thriller Mary Loss of Soul. Here are all of the fun facts you should know about the rising star before her career takes off in a big way.

1. She Was a Huge Fan of The Vampire Diaries Before Being Cast on Legacies

Before landing the role of Josie Saltzman, Kaylee was already a devoted fan of The Vampire Diaries and its spinoff, The Originals, which puts additional pressure on her to play Josie just the right way. "I started watching when I was 15, with my mom, on Netflix, binged it, then I started watching it week by week," she said. "So it was something I always really loved and . . . I take it a little too seriously sometimes. I feel like I'm constantly obligated to make sure that I'm doing right by the fans, because I was a fan."

2. When She and Jenny Boyd Were First Cast, They Didn't Know Which Twin They Would Play

When Kaylee and her castmate Jenny Boyd were told they'd landed a part on Legacies, they knew they would be playing either Josie or Lizzie — they just didn't know who would be who, and the ambiguity actually turned into a fun bonding situation for the actresses. "We ended up actually meeting for coffee, a couple times, when we were both still in Los Angeles," Kaylee explained to Collider, "and we both joked around about who would be who, and who would have to go blonde, and it morphed into this really great thing."

3. She Created a Diary and a Playlist For Her Legacies Character

Kaylee doesn't just play Josie on screen — she lives her character through her own imagination when the cameras aren't rolling as well. ". . . every single episode I write a letter to whatever character is interacting with Josie the most," she explained to Entertainment Tonight. ". . . I have letters to Hope, I have letters to my dad, I have letters to Lizzie, the list goes on. And I have a playlist as well. It kind of helps me get into her mind space."

4. She Began Modeling at the Age of 7

Before Kaylee moved into acting, she started out as a child model for Ralph Lauren. "I started modeling at age seven and was fortunate to do seven seasons of Ralph Lauren until I was around ten years old," she revealed back in 2013. "I loved being on set and working, but I wanted to do more. That's when I started to transition into TV and movies."

5. Her Childhood Dream Roles? Mulan or Wednesday Addams

Kaylee grew up watching Disney movies, and it was these films that first inspired her to become an actress. "I remember watching Disney movies constantly on repeat since I was six years old and pretending I was sick so I could stay home from school to watch them," she told Avante Magazine. "I very clearly remember wanting to become Mulan or Wednesday Addams from The Addams Family."

6. Her Role Models Are Carey Mulligan, Michelle Williams, and Alicia Vikander

When asked by Mood Magazine about her favorite actresses, Kaylee explained that she admired performers who "do their homework" before coming on set, but then allow themselves the freedom to perform with some spontaneity rather than simply proving they'd studied their lines. "Carey Mulligan, Michelle Williams, and Alicia Vikander," she named as her favorites. "I could tell you so many reasons why I love these actresses. All three have a way of being incredibly honest and real on screen . . . Raw, honest and beautiful."

7. She Has an Insanely Good Singing Voice

If you saw the Legacies episode with the Salvatore School's talent show, then you're probably wondering if Kaylee is actually singing, and the answer is absolutely. The decision to put in this bit happened with a little help from Kaylee's manager, who sent Legacies producer Julie Plec a video of 14-year-old Kaylee performing before the show even began filming. Seriously, just watch her cover of Imagine Dragons' "Radioactive."

8. She Plays the Ukulele

As well as being an incredible singer, Kaylee also plays the ukulele in her spare time. She even asked Julie Plec to write in a scene where she could show off her skills so her grandfather could see. "Thank you thank you thank you @julieplec," she tweeted. "I told my Grandpa about tonight's episode and he couldn't have been more happy/proud."

9. She Also Taught Herself How to Play the Cello

The ukulele isn't the only instrument Kaylee plays — she also has been dabbling with the cello, though she doesn't have as much time to practice as she'd like. "My friend gave me a free cello lesson as a gift and rented a cello for me," she told Sweety High. "I had a lot of fun and wish I had more time to commit to learning it as it's a complex and intricate instrument."

10. She Started Her Own Book Club

Back in the beginning of 2019, Kaylee proposed the idea of starting a book club to her Twitter followers, and her fans were here for it. Now #BryantsBookClub is a thing, where she discusses a new book selection each month on Instagram Live.

[lesbiankiliel]

Erina’s super special brand new Fic Rec list

time to make a whole new one, not just link my old lists, add a few new fics, and call it a day

arranged according to their rating and in oldest-to-newest according to my bookmarks

under the cut because it got very long

marked with * are my special faves

G rated

Finding Comfort by scarletjedi (Gigolas, 7.2k, friends to lovers, book/movie canon combo, missing scenes, very cute)

*Color Me Mine by andquitefrankly (Bagginshield, 32k, kindergarten au, baby love, modern au, Bilbo and Thorin are in the same kindergarten class, Smaug hordes crayons)

Stone Babies by thehyperactivesammich (Gen, 223 words, Durin family feels, Kíli asks where babies come from, good luck Thorin)

A Detour to Your Heart by thekeyholder (Bagginshield, 9.8k, modern au, Christmas fic, fluff, strangers meet at the airport, epic journey through Europe)

Not Quite First Sight by Ias (Bagginshield, 2.7k, BotFA fix-it, temporary amnesia, marriage proposals, fluff, sort of first meetings, Thorin is a love-sick goofball)

*Elf-Friends by Lumelle (Kiliel, Bagginshield, 9.1k, everyone lives/nobody dies, pregnancy, Fili & Tauriel & Bilbo are pals, sex equals marriage to Elves)

The Secrets of the Lonely Mountain by Lisafer (Gigolas, 14k, meeting the family, cultural differences, Glóin is a grumpy dad)

Uncle, where did Kili come from? by SilverFountains (Gen, 2.7k, Durin family fluff, Fíli and Kíli ask where babies come from, good luck Uncle Thorin, Uncle Frerin is not helpful)

The Worst Timing is Pretty Much Your Specialty by victoriousscarf (Fíli/Bofur, 1.1k, Bofur has an awful timing)

In the Moonlight by umbralillium (Kiliel, Bagginshield, 2.7k, everyone lives/nobody dies, awkward flirting, Tauriel in Erebor)

And We'll Be A Family by Moosie (Bagginshield, 2.6k, everyone lives/nobody dies, family fluff, everyone is older)

We Will Journey On Together by Flamebyrd (Gigolas, 2.1k, sequel to The Days of Rejoicing, Dwarves do things properly, accidental marriage, weddings)

Homecoming by alkjira (Dís/canonical husband, Kiliel, Bifur/Fíli/Ori, Bagginshield, 1.9k, everyone lives/nobody dies, Dís wants to know the ones her loved ones love and Víli wants grandchildren bc goddammit he’s not getting any younger here people!)

*Love Me For Eternity by ladyoakenshields (Bagginshield, 212k, WIP, How to Train Your Dragon AU, fluff & angst, happy ending, Kat promised it and I trust her, one of the best fics to grace this fandom)

What Child Is This? by alkjira (Frerin/Tauriel, 786 words, Christmas fluff, babysitting, first dates, Frerin has a date with Tauriel but Dís insists that he babysits Fíli and Kíli)

Prince Kíli by Lunarflare14 (Kiliel, Bagginshield, 1.2k, trans man!Kíli, gender dysphoria, Dwarf gender concepts, transphobia mention, Fíli is an awesome brother)

*Truth, Honesty, and None of the Above by Ias (Bagginshield, Kiliel, 13k, humour, secret relationships, bickering, Kíli is a nerd who can’t admit that he’s courting an Elf to his mum and general craziness ensues)

*Coffee and Floral prints by euseevius (Bagginshield, 3.6k, modern AU, humour, misunderstandings, Thorin has a café in Paris)

*The Art of Searching for Yourself by euseevius (Gen, 1.6k, Fíli-centric, modern AU, sequel to Coffee and Floral Prints, asexual Fíli)

*Candle Glow and Mistletoe by euseevius (Bagginshield, 29k, modern au, Christmas fic, secret marriage, bets, humour, family fluff, Bilbo and Thorin pretend NOT to be married, bc Thorin is a dweeb who hasn’t told his family that he’s married)

*Cute Girls & Chemistry by starlightwalking (fem!Kiliel, 7.8k, college AU, asexual characters, Kíli meets a cute ginger girl in her chemistry class and is 100% sold - and so am I)

where moments turn into forever by alkjira (Bagginshield, Fíli/Bofur, (mentioned Kiliel), 1k, Shire AU, everyone lives/nobody dies, fluff, established relationship)

*Lights of Midnight by euseevius (Bagginshield, Drogo/Primula, 2.9k, modern AU, New Year’s Eve, sequel to Candle Glow and Mistletoe, fluff and humour)

*Glowing like Stars by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (fem!Kiliel, 2k, mermaid AU, super cute <3)

*Hearts Will As Hearts Must by determamfidd (Gigolas, Bagginshield, Kiliel, 10k, everyone lives/nobody dies, Legolas is not perfect and has A Lot of Feelings, Gimli is a young hothead and has ALL the feelings, Leggy and Gimli meet after Erebor has been reclaimed and Gimli travels from Ered Luin to Erebor, slow burn, I love dets forever for this fic)

*Ever On and On by yubiwamonogatari (fem!Bagginshield, 2.9k, old ladies retired in the Shire, super cute, Bilbo’s 111th birthday party)

*A Royal Guardianship by ladyoakenshields (Bagginshield + side pairings, 12k, WIP, Durin Baggins Family, everyone lives/nobody dies, old married couple, family fluff)

*Merry Yuletide, From Erebor by starlightwalking (Kiliel, Bagginshield, 4.8k, Christmas fic, Tauriel’s first Yule in Erebor, fluff, love confessions, Dís saves the day as per usual)

Stranger's Home by Sansael (Dís/Dís’ Wife, 1.2k, everyone lives/nobody dies, family fluff, Dís needs a break and Víli needs a good healer)

*Prosperity and Tradition by rutobuka (Bagginshield, comic, partial nudity, bathing/washing, cultural differences, Bilbo finds out what Dwarves are made of - sort of, also Thorin is too skinny for a Dwarf)

Twelve Months and Fifty Years by determamfidd (Gen, 3.1k, Sansûkh side-fic, Durin family feels, the sobfest I did not sign up for, Frerin is my lil child and deserves only good and nice things, afterlife doesn’t solve anyone’s problems)

*Seldom All It Seems by starlightwalking (fem!Kiliel, 28k, Sleeping Beauty AU, angst with a happy ending, female sorceress Smaug, I adore this fic so much)

*Summer Lovin' by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (fem!Bagginshield, fem!Kiliel, everyone lives/nobody dies, love confessions, flowers, also super cute omg <3<3<3)

Just a Blanket by myscribblingquill (fem!Kiliel, 1.5k, secret lesbians, Mirkwood, first meetings)

*Cliché by mcmanatea (fem!Bagginshield, 2.1k, firefighter AU, cat in a tree trope with a twist, unsubtle flirting, Thorin with a messy bun I am gaaaaay, this fic made me gayer than I was already)

T rated

*Of Dwarfs, Plans & Courtships by alkjira (Fíli/Bofur, Bagginshield, Kíli/?, 222k, courting, fluff & crack, very long but very funny)

*The Courting Habits of the Line of Durin by diemarysues (Bagginshield, 54k, courting, Dwarf customs, culture differences)

*The Inevitable Love Story between Two Oblivious Idiots by Bgtea (Bagginshield, Dwori, 116k, everyone lives/nobody dies, letters, everyone is an idiot and it’s a lot of fun, Dís is the only one sensible)

The Search for Mad Baggins by Antarctica_or_bust (Bagginshield, 11k, BotFA fix-it, Bilbo stays in Erebor and the Shire is like where did he go, Frodo goes to search for him with Sam, Merry, and Pippin, humour)

Late Night Pastries by Spiro (Bagginshield, 2.9k, everyone lives/nobody dies, everyone is up late and goes for a snack - at the same time, fluff)

*Nothing Gold Can Stay by perkynurples (Bagginshield, 296k, modern royalty au, slow burn, one of the best fics to grace this fandom)

Oblivious by soul_of_blaze (Bagginshield, 2.3k, miscommunication, Thorin tries to seduce Bilbo - ends in an epic fail, at first anyway bc Bilbo doesn’t get it)

it made me complete by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (Bagginshield, 4.4k, family fluff, Shire AU)

An Unexpected Invitation (And What Happened Next) by serenbach (Bagginshield, 6.1k, everyone lives/nobody dies, though Bilbo thinks Thorin died, epic level misunderstandings, letters, making amends, happy ending)

Color by Numbers by andquitefrankly (Bagginshield, 46k, WIP, sequel to Color Me Mine, everyone is grown-up, Bilbo is now Kíli’s kindergarten teacher, everyone ships Bilbo and Thorin)

Love-In-Idleness by perkynurples (Bagginshield, implied Dís/Dwalin, 160k, modern AU, theatre AU, slow burn, humour, Bilbo and Thorin are actors)

*An Unexpected Addition by karategal (Bagginshield, 89k, family, courtship, cultural differences, everyone lives/nobody dies, Bilbo brings Frodo to Erebor, slow burn, one of the best fics to grace this fandom, read also its sequels^^)

*A Most Sensible Idea by HildyJ (Bagginshield, Dwori, 76k, Erebor never fell AU, arranged marriage, courtship, misunderstandings, cultural differences, pining, (so much pining), happy ending)

*****Sansûkh by determamfidd (Bagginshield, Gigolas, Kiliel + a lot of others, 533k, WIP (almost finished though), dead peanut gallery, everyone’s dead but they’re hanging around anyway, slow build, like super slow, but it’s worth it, angst fest, but there’s a happy ending dets promised there will be, this is my absolute favourite fic and I want everyone to read it)

The Days of Rejoicing by Flamebyrd (Gigolas, 3.3k, woke up married, morning after, cultural differences, sex equals marriage to Elves)

*King's Ransom by Farasha (Bagginshield, Kiliel, 49k, everyone lives/nobody dies, gold sickness, reimagining BotFA, one of the best fics to grace this fandom)

*Oak and Mistletoe by HildyJ (Bagginshield, 55k, Erebor never fell, Shire AU, fairy tale elements, falling in love, light angst)

The Lonely Isle by lily_winterwood (Bagginshield, 34k, Jurassic World AU, modern au, raptor daddy Bilbo, I helped brainstorm this fic and it was a lot of fun)

Alone this Yuletide by Emsiecat (Bagginshield, 91k, fake/pretend relationship, Christmas fic, everyone lives/nobody dies, domestic fluff, super cute omg <3<3<3)

*Cherry on the Cake by euseevius (Bagginshield, 1.4k, sequel to Coffee and Floral Prints, modern AU, demisexual Thorin, established relationship, I helped brainstorm this^^ Bilbo compares relationship to a cake, sex is the cherry, this makes sense when you read this fic)

Molasses by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (fem!Bagginshield, 2k, coming out, trans woman!Bilbo, fluff)

Take Them by Daerwyn (Figrid, 4.9k, secret relationship, the one where Sigrid accidentally calls Thorin “uncle”, Thorin doesn’t mind)

*Azhâr by yubiwamonogatari (Bagginshield, Kiliel, Gigolas + others, 152k, WIP, everyone lives/nobody dies, fake relationship, slow build, Dwarf culture, angst with a happy ending, lots of pining, Arkenstone is/was a Silmaril, one of the best fics to grace this fandom)

*Tamâmebrulu Id-Mudtu (Lullabies of the Heart) by rutobuka (Bagginshield, comic, WIP, sharing a bed, first kiss, hurt/comfort, everyone lives/nobody dies, this is so cute too holy shit)

*The Sons of Durin by KivrinEngle (Bagginshield, 95k, modern AU, The Hobbit but in modern Scotland, everyone lives/nobody dies)

*The Took's Arrangement by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (Bagginshield, 62k, arranged marriage, Erebor never fell, cultural differences, tone of the best fics to grace this fandom)

Of Iron by Poplitealqueen (Bagginshield, 16k, WIP, canon divergent, Dáin joins the quest and is so badass)

Between wind and stone by dustbunnyprophet (fem!Kiliel, 6.7k, everyone lives/nobody dies, secret lesbians, fluff, rebuilding Erebor)

M rated

The Road Delivered Us Home by keelywolfe (Bagginshield, 117k, slow burn, canonical character death (not Thorin’s), tiny Frodo)

Bilbo Does Not Need Sex Advice (Especially Not From Officer Oblivious and Captain Clueless) by Amuly (Bagginshield, 5.9k, sexual humour, Fíli and Kíli give bad sex advice which Bilbo and Thorin so do not need)

A Favourable Arrangement by grav_ity (Figrid, 11k, everyone lives/nobody dies, arranged marriage)

The Queen and her Burglar by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (fem!Bagginshield, 3.7k, vaginal fingering, cunnilingus, Thorin is awkward, and Bilbo has a cold)

A King and her Burglar by diemarysues (fem!Bagginshield, Dwagginshield, series, WIP, total word count of all fics 37k, cultural differences, mild smut, read each individual fic’s tags)

For The Ages Of A Day by perkynurples (Bagginshield, 50k, WIP, sequel to Nothing Gold Can Stay, modern royalty AU)

E rated

Hidden Desires by lilithiumwords (Bagginshield, 7.4k, smut, honestly pwp)

*A Halo On Your Body by freakylemurcat (Bagginshield, 5.8k, bathing/washing, piercings, size difference, oral sex, hand jobs, read also the sequels that are also E rated)

I'm Dreaming Of... by diemarysues (Bagginshield, 5k, Christmas fic, first time, both Bilbo and Thorin know the only right way to make mulled cider and the other one is just dead wrong)

Cultural Differences: If thou kiss not me by Tarn (Gigolas, 4.8k, cultural differences, humour)

*Impartial Judge by bigmamag (Gigolas, Kiliel, Hermione Granger/Viktor Krum, Bagginshield, 46k, WIP, Harry Potter crossover, Triwizard Tournament, first time, prejudices & bigotry, kinda slow burn, Leggy and Tauriel are from Beauxbatons and Fíli and Kíli are from Durmstrang)

Intertwine by Shinybug (Bagginshield, 6.4k, first time, hair braiding, braiding is super important for Dwarves)

Snowmelt by determamfidd (Gigolas, 8.8k, missing smut scene from Sansûkh, gratuitous smut, these two are nerds)

*Synergy by alkjira (Dwagginshield, 7k, smut, dirty talk, Bilbo and Dwalin want Thorin and end up fucking each other at first, they’re gonna fuck Thorin too)

Not Entirely Hopeless by alkjira (Boffinshield, 2.2k, first time, pwp, spitroasting, I think that tells what this is about)

*Ridiculous Thoughts by rutobuka (Bagginshield, comic, scent kink, masturbation, sharing clothes, ruto is a treasure)

*The Service by rutobuka (fem!Bagginshield, 85k, modern Middle-Earth, sex work, mutual pining, slow burn, realistic relationship issues, happy ending)

*A Pleasant Night by snowmissus (soul_of_blaze) (fem!Bagginshield, 2.3k, modern AU, cunnilingus, pwp, basically just sex but the best kind)

*Spherule by yeaka (fem!Kiliel, 1.3k, established relationship, sex toys, bondage, dom!Tauriel, sub!Kíli, pwp, all the good stuff)

Not Rated

Song as Old as Rhyme by Wizards_Pupil (Bagginshield, 86k, Beauty and the Beast AU, with dragons, and less asshole!Thorin, srsly he’s a sweetheart who has been cursed, there’s sex)

You Got a Kiss For Me by bubbysbub (Dwagginshield, everyone lives/nobody dies, except Bilbo thinks Thorin died, threesomes)

[deathordecaf]

A (not so) Brief Introduction

Hello to you, entirely hypothetical reader!

My Name is Alessa —or rather that is the name I will be using for the sake of privacy. You see my intention with this blog is two-fold:

To share the information & tools I have learned regarding mental health, in an accessible format for myself, those like me, and those who wish to simply satiate their curiosity.

To keep a record for reflection on my personal journey, in an attempt to provide myself with some perspective on my conditions and appreciate the progress being made, as all too often we are blind to our progress when we need to recognise it most.

As such some of the entries here may be, well, personal. This may not be just so for me, but to those close to me as well. So for the sake of privacy pseudonyms will be used.

But enough waffling! This brief introduction is rapidly growing in length, so in no particular order here are a few key things about me that may provide context to myself as the narrator of this blog:

I am 25 rapidly approaching 26 —making me practically a fossil in Tumblr terms

I come from the land down under

I have a very Australian attitude to swearing in that I often fail to notice I’m swearing at all. Those who to umbrige to so-called “strong language” may not appricate my liberal usage in writting.

I was Diagnosed with Generalised anxiety & OCD at approx. 15yrs

I was also diagnosed with ADHD (ADD at the time) and like many 90′s kids (particularly girls), my parent did not take this to be a legitimate concern and neither treated nor informed me of my condition before they themselves forgot that incident entirely!

I have been on and off a number of antidepressants since my GAD diagnosis. Predominately SSRIs with a couple SNRIs threw in for good measure.

SSRIs and SNRIs show mixed to no results until I was in my early 20s when the newest pills on the block would (after making me disoriented and sick for a week) make me feel fan-fucking-tasic! For About a month or so before my inevitable plumment into my realisation, once again, that i was in fact human garbage & hiding under my desk until the fear subsided in another few month.

I do not like taking SSRIs; it’s not them, it it’s me.

I was bullied ruthlessly in primary school In an attempt to escape the constant bullying we tried changing my school, this was an abject failure and I returned to my previous school and dealt with the bullying I knew.

By the time I reach high school I developed a 0% drama policy, made A number of close friends 

I took a Gap year after high school, to really wallow in depression for the first time and ensure that I cut with as many of my social ties as possible, before they realised the truth that i was actual human garbage.

Despite not correctly completing enough qualifying subject in my senior year of High School to apply for university; I took an “alternative pathway to study” test the year following my graduation and scored in the top 5% percent of participants and then enrolled in an art programme in University the following year.

I began a perpetual cycle of dropping in and out of university and working until I became frustrated with my lack of direction or purpose, then returning to study again.

I studied Sociology partially because it interested my and partially because I thought I was to emotional to study psychology like I wanted.

I realised I would never leave this cycle without ongoing professional help.

I was sexually assaulted and had a complete mental breakdown and finally sought the help I needs.

I was now suspecting my Dysthymic + GAD +subclinical OCD combo I’d been labeled with was less than accurate and went to a Psychiatrist for a differential diagnosis

I was was diagnosis with ADHD (again, but this was news to me) and my Psychiatrist agreed the after somewhere in the vicinity of 6+ variety of SSRI was a good enough sample sizes to say they were a good Fit.

I begin taking dexamphetamine (for ADHD + off label depression treatment) and Mirtazipine (for anxiety + chronic insomnia I have had since childhood)

Thing start getting better 

Now here’s the “good” bit

 I have a job a love

 I’ve decided paying for education is for suckers

 I’m planning to start a new business to run while working this current jobs (i already have 2)

I’m working on two art projects

My partner and I are living together for the 2nd year so I now know he won’t leave randomly (because that’s definitely NOT a thing i have immense fear around as a result of a number of traumatic events that I’m pretending to not be effected by)

I’ve finally committed to being a vegetarian

dropped 10kgs

I’m hardly sleeping

I’m bursting with amazing ideas

Secretly convinced I’m going to change the world or at the very least Australia (because I’ve got to be “realistic”

I feel amazing, people love me, I love me

So because I’m finally “normal”, i decide i don’t need therapy anymore I’ve decided I CAN BE MY OWN THERAPIST JUST AS WELL! 

I’ve even done the “responsible” (please read: deluded) thing and doubled my Mirtazipine dose myself (with out having to waste my doctors time) to help me sleep again, although this doesn’t work so I start combining it with alcohol to knock myself out (this is also increasing)

I’M FINALLY MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!

I am depressed

I am more depressed than I have even been

I am not eating because I don’t so the point

It takes me an entire day to sit up right

I keep trying to work, but it’s poor, the stripped my hours back to nothing

I’ve been thinking of hurting myself to try and let the negative feelings out, but i settle for writing nasty thing about myself on my skin and hiding them under my clothes as a reminder that I am human garbage.

We can no longer afford our rent so we move in with my partners parents.

I go to the general practitioner near by she doesn’t want to write a mirtazipine script but does, she asks if I’m okay... I confess I had planned on killing myself a few night ago while visiting my father and his new family and that I only stopped myself because I couldn’t guarantee my three half siblings wouldn’t find my body and be traumatised. I confess I still want to hurt myself and that a feel I am a burden. She wan’t me to go to the hospital immediately but I talk her into a referral instead on the provisor i check in a week later.

At first i hide the for my partner but I confess what happened and i week later i’ve packed my bags and gone to the hospital.

It’s a mess, they ignore me, constantly forget my name, and take my medication away until they can confirm with my psychiatrist that i’m telling the truth. At first all I do is sleep

I don’t realised it but this stress triggers another hypomanic episode, and as I am clearly no longer depressed... they let me go. They don’t notice I’m on a power trip and intentionally making them uncomfortable by mentioning their mistakes in front of my family and laughing about it to my partner.

The goes on for another two week i’m increasingly annoyed by people telling me to pace myself “can’t they see i’m fine?”

Until I experience my first mixed episode. I have never been so scared of myself in my entire life

I’m completely unhinged. Even my partner with all the patience in world sits beside me as body is wracked by sobbing and says “maybe your right. maybe you’re not going to get better” a little part of me dies.

But I’m determined, I’ve spent to last few months actually taking care of myself for the first time in years. I’ve gotten back in contact with my psychiatrist and see hm once a week.

We had concluded I have some degree of Bipolarity and c-PTSD in addition to the ADHD and anxiety.

My mirtazipine has been increased again and Yesterday I’ve started taking Limotrigine and a mood stabilisers

I’ve begun a DBT course (which is part of a university trail to verify the affectivity).

I’ve started learning to embrace slow routine, monitoring my moods and have been drinking in all the possible information I can on my condition

This bring us to now.

I’m still a work in progress but I’ve come a long way and I’m already doing so much better than just 3 months ago. I have decided I will study Psychology like I’ve alway wanted. But I’m not rushing myself to be ready and I will do limit myself to three subjects at a time instead of the typical 4.

Until then my goal everyday is to do 4 simple things:

Ride my exercise bike for 30mins a day

Water my plants as I’ve started a small garden to ground me

Shower once a day

Always to my meds

So that’s an overly long overly intamate look at me... so how are you?

[cattwomannn]

Something Borrowed, Something Blue (Dick Grayson x Reader)

Request: “751. "I’m not jealous!” + 611. "I’ve been in love with you my entire life. Ever since I met you.” + 283. “There are plenty of people out there who love you.” “Yeah, like who?” “Like me.” With Dick please <33 reader is the one who pines after him. I love the recent Dick imagine you did 😭💕 I just found your blog today and hidden gem alert! Looking forward to reading your future content 😊”

 A/N: So, I decided to make this request a prequal to the last fic I wrote. If you haven’t read that one yet, and you’d like to, I’ll link it HERE. Also, I apologize for how long this took! December and January were hectic, but I’m determined to start writing more consistently this year!

 ALSO, shout out to my wonderful partner @alementpersonal for editing. You’re perfect and I love you. :)

Warning(s): cheating/affairs, cursing, sexual situations (but I’m horrible at writing smut, so nothing too scandalous. Lol.)

 Y/N: Your Name

Y/N/N: Your Nickname

 Word Count: 2.2k

  ______________________________________________________________

 BUZZ.

BUZZ.

BUZZ.

“You gonna get that?” your date asks you, before taking a sip from their glass of wine.

You slide your finger across the surface of your phone, declining the call.

“No, it can wait.” You say, giving them a small smile. “Why don’t you tell me a little more about yourself?” you ask.

Those were words you would live to regret, come the end of the date. Not only was this person exceedingly dull, but you couldn’t get in another word at all the whole rest of the dinner. When the waitress finally brought the bill to the table, you grabbed it so fast you almost took her hand off with it. Luckily, your date didn’t see as they were too caught up in their own story to notice a thing you were doing.

You slid your card into the slot and handed it back to the waitress, not even giving her a chance to leave. As she disappeared from the table, you looked down at your phone.

(4 missed calls from Richard Grayson)

Your best friend, whom you’d been expertly avoiding for the last 3 days, had not given up trying to contact you. Normally you’d jump at the chance to chat with Dick, but things had gotten complicated recently. Specifically, when you made the poor decision to tell Dick about your feelings for him.

*3 days earlier*

Seeing Dick with her killed you, you knew it was pointless to even get upset about it, but you couldn’t help it. You were the one he was supposed to be cuddled up with on the couch, you were the one he was supposed to be saying ‘I love you’ to every night before bed… but you weren’t. Life doesn’t always work out in the ways that you’d like it to.

He had invited you over to his place in Blüdhaven to watch movies with him and Kori, which had been your guys’ weekly tradition ever since you’d met. It was just you and Dick for the first few years, but once he joined the Titans, Kori became a permanent addition to movie night. In the beginning you didn’t mind much, they were usually pretty good about not showing too much PDA around you, and it was important to Kori that you know that just because she was there now it didn’t mean you weren’t still important to Dick.

That all changed once they got married, though. Part of you understood… they were newlyweds, they deserved to be a little mushy. But the other part of you hated it. Your feelings for Dick had been piling up over the years and the less shy they were around you, the harder it became for you to pretend like nothing was wrong.

This night, specifically, had been the final straw. You were watching one of your favorite horror flicks with them. For some reason scary movies made them particularly handsy with each other. It was then that you shot up from your place on the couch, causing Dick and Kori to sit up and look at you, clearly confused. The look on your face worried Dick, but before he could say anything, you grabbed your bag, made up some lame excuse, and got the hell out of there. You could feel the tears rushing up to your eyes, but you wanted to be long gone before you let them spill over. Knowing Dick, he would’ve chased after you and definitely seen you cry, so you ran nearly a mile down the road before calling a cab to take you home.

 When you got back to your apartment you were only there for a few minutes before you heard a knock on your door. Not even thinking about it, you walked over and opened it only to find your best friend on the other side.

‘Fuck’ you thought to yourself. It was too late to pretend you weren’t home even though he had obviously seen you walk in just moments before. So, you put on your best fake smile, and greeted him.

“Heyyyyy, Richard.” You said, trying to be cool, but failing.

“What happened back there?” he asked, his brows furrowing together. “You left so fast, you didn’t give us a chance to see if you were okay.” He adds.

“Nothing’s wrong… just a little case of food poisoning… didn’t want to be sick at your place” you say rather unconvincingly.

“So, you chose to go all the way home to use your bathroom instead of ours? Seems pretty inconvenient, if you ask me.” He says with a smirk.

“Well, good thing I didn’t ask you.” You mutter, causing his smile to falter.

His face becomes serious, obviously done dancing around the topic of what’s wrong, and he steps through the doorway into your apartment, closing the door behind him.

“Okay, that’s enough. What’s wrong? Seriously… you’ve been standoffish for months, whenever I ask you to come hang out with me and Kori you barely say a word the whole time and leave the first chance you get.” He fires back, his patience slowly deteriorating.

His tone spurs you on, though, causing your mood to only further sour.

“Well, maybe I just don’t always want to third wheel it with you and Koriandr. You ever consider that, Dick?”

 Your words surprise him, he always assumed you liked Kori. You had never given him a reason to think otherwise. And truth be told, you did like her, which only ever made you feel guiltier about your feelings for Dick.

The more he reflects on your attitude these last few months though, the quicker it dawns on him.

“Y/N… are you jealous of Kori?” he asks curiously.

“I’m not jealous.” You snarled.

“Then what is it?” he pushes, trying to get an answer out of you. “There has to be a reason to why you’ve been acting so weird.”

All of his questioning was starting to wear you out, and you’re feeling cornered. You just wanted him to leave, so you could crawl into bed and sleep this horrible night off. So, the next words out of your mouth were not ones that you had much control over.

“Fine, Dick! I am, I’m jealous of Kori. Is that what you wanted to hear? Does it make you feel good to know that? Because it doesn’t make me feel good to have to say it. I’ve been in love with you my entire life. Ever since I met you. And I’ve watched you date girl after girl after girl, and never said a word. Because they made you happy, and when you’re happy, I’m happy. But I’m not anymore… I’m not-“ you look up at him and stop before you can finish the rest of your speech.

The look on his face is what stills you, and you realize what you’ve just done.

You don’t even give him time to fully process before you grab up your bag once again, and book it to the door.

“Where are you going?” he finally says.

“I’m leaving.” You stammer out.

“This is your apartment!” he shouts.

But you’re already gone.

 *Present day*

When the waitress comes back with your card, you quickly thank your date for a lovely night (lies), give them a small peck on the cheek, and leave. The walk back to your apartment was a quiet one, which was rare for Gotham. So, you took your time, enjoying the silence. By the time you got home you were so at ease that you almost forgot about all your current problems. Almost.

As soon as you walk in, you can tell something is different. You sigh and walk over to the couch and flip on the tv, the light from the screen illuminating the room.

“You know you could drop by like a normal person occasionally…” you say aloud.

Its silent for a few moments before you get a reply.

“Well, I was going to… but you wouldn’t answer my calls.” He says, stepping into view.

You notice he’s in his full Nightwing getup.

“Nice threads…” you say, gesturing to his clothing.

“It was a slow night.” He responds.

Your comment on his appearance though is what makes him notice how dressed up you are.

“Where were you? Are you wearing heels?? You never wear heels.” He says, surprised.

“I wear heels plenty.” You tone slightly defensive.

“No, you don’t. In fact, I’ve only ever seen you wear heels when you’ve just been on a date… Wait.” He stops, the pieces now fitting together.

You sigh.

“If you must know, it was horrible. I don’t plan on seeing them again.” You state, getting up.

You walk to your room and slide off the heels that you had forgotten you were still wearing, Dick following along.

“Good.” He says, and for a second you’re almost certain you heard him wrong.

“…Good?” you questioned.

“I mean… yeah.” He says, taking a deep breath

He takes a small step towards you before speaking again.

“Ever since you told me how you felt about me, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about us.” He confesses.

You shake your head.

“There is no us, there’s never been an us.” You say, your voice cracking.

He makes his way over, closing the distance between you two.

 He’s so close now you almost lose your breath. He’s beautiful, you’ve always known it. But it’s so different like this, when you’re pressed together. You meet his eyes and there’s something you’ve never been able to place. Something you’ve seen before- you’ve seen it at every movie night with Kori, during the last conversation you two had where you confessed, and even at Dick’s wedding, when your eyes met across the room.

“But, what if there was.” he says, and before you can say another word he takes your face in his hands, and plants a soft kiss on your lips.

And you realize what you had seen in his eyes was love.

At first you don’t respond. Its like your body can’t comprehend what’s happening. Your brain is screaming at you to do something, but you don’t know exactly what it is yet that it wants you to do.

All you know is that you don’t want him to stop, so you force yourself out of your haze and kiss him back. You slide your arms around his neck, pulling him in as close as you possibly can.

You feel his hands make their way down to your thighs, playing with the hem of your dress. You smile into the kiss, slowly moving forward until the back of his legs hit your mattress.

You push him down onto your bed, he looks up at you with a glint in his eyes. He reaches out for you, and that’s all the approval you need.

You crawl onto the bed and straddle him.

‘Stop’ the voice at the back of your mind says.

You try to push past the nagging, you weren’t about to let your conscience ruin this for you.

Dick can sense your hesitation though and pulls away much to your dismay.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing, I…” You sigh and sit up, pulling him up into a sitting position with you.

He frowns at you, concern written all over his face.

“What’s wrong with me?” you continue, covering your face with your hands. “No one loves me so I-“

“There are plenty of people out there who love you.” He says, cutting you off.

You scoff.

“Yeah? Like who?” you ask.

“Like me.” He says.

You sigh.

“That’s just my point though, Dick. I finally find someone who I love, and who loves me and he’s married… you’re married.” You say, sadness creeping into your voice.

You feel your heart sinking deeper and deeper into your chest. All you ever wanted was to hear Dick say those words, but now that he had they felt tainted.

They felt wrong.

They didn’t belong to you.

They were hers.

 You push yourself up off him, and just as you’re about to distance yourself further, you feel him grab your hand.

You look down, and he intertwines your fingers with his.

“If you really don’t want this, if you really want things to just go back to how they were, then I’ll go. We can pretend that this night never happened… but I need you to know, that I don’t want to do that.” He says, quietly.

The sadness is evident on his face, and all you want to do is kiss it away.

“Dick Grayson, you silly boy… you’re the most important person in my life. I’m never gonna let you go.” You say, a gentle smile on your face.

You sit back down on the bed next to him, and he turns to face you.

“How are we gonna do this?” you ask.

He shakes his head.

“I don’t know, but I don’t care. As long as I’m with you everything is gonna be fine.” He says, pressing his forehead against yours.

You stay silent for a while before he finally speaks again.

“Y/n…” he whispers, and you finally force yourself to look him back in the eyes. “I choose you… its always been you.”

And just like that the version of you with a conscience, the version of you who knows this will only end in heartache, she’s gone.

Those words may belong to Kori, but that look in his eyes has always been yours.

Because it’s you, and its him, and that’s all that matters.

 _______________________________________________________________

Please like/reblog, or leave a comment! Your feedback is much appreciated. :)

[lyssala]

Your Heart is the Only Place

Additional Pairings: N/A

Setting: A couple days after the previous chapter

Rating: K

Notes: So no one really had to twist my arm to do this. One or two responses was well enough for me to keep going LMAO But I appreciate everyone who stopped to say they enjoyed it and wanted to see more <3 I love the thought of them as parents to children of their own so here I am. The whole set will be around 10 chapters and will span over a little bit of time. But yeah I’m a big sap so here were are <3 Also what are medical procedures in a world with magic anyways.

Previous Chapter / AO3

Snow

Terra asked Aqua if she knew, if she could tell before she was sure but really she had no idea. Despite being home and settled into a routine for almost two years, she admittedly didn’t pay much attention to what was probably the biggest tell her body could give her. After being essentially halted in time for so long, even when time passed normally again she didn’t think too much about whether she was late or missing it all together.

While it was probably the first and most obvious clue, Aqua didn’t bat an eye; she just continued her days like she always did. The kids weren’t exactly kids, and they weren’t even students any more but they still decided to stay something Aqua was grateful for. She knew more students would eventually come to them, but she had gotten so used to see Kairi’s smiling face in the gardens, Riku and Lea sparring outside, Sora pretending like he didn’t sneak off the world for most the day that Aqua wasn’t sure what she’d do if she found the castle empty again.

The other hints were a little more subtle but still fairly obvious to anyone who would’ve questioned it, which Aqua didn’t. She noticed the fatigue first. It was unusual but not unheard of. While she was still young and could easily keep up with even the youngest in the castle when it came to sparring, some days she struggled to even get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes she’d end up back in bed shortly after dinner and would sleep all night.

Terra thought she was getting sick, which was also unusual but she was only human. So when the nausea started to kick in at any given point in the day, she was apt to agree with him. Her immune system probably wasn’t like what it used to be and she just picked something up on another world or from anyone else in her home really. Terra reassured her it would pass, holding her hair out of her face when he found her hunched over the toilet one morning.

“It’s probably just a couple day virus,” he told her as he poured her a glass of water from their bathroom sink while she sat on the floor trying to catch her breath and feel like she wasn’t gonna vomit again.

She believed him. It came and it went over the next few days sometimes making her actually sick and sometimes only making her feel like she was going to be sick. Yet the week mark came and she still wasn’t feeling much better. Aqua tried to smile and not let anyone know, to the point where if she had to be sick she’d try and find an out of the way bathroom, but despite the large living space it seemed like someone was always around and they always seemed to know.

Kairi’s gentle words were there to ask if Aqua needed any help, Terra’s hands were always soothing , Riku started to offer to take requests that would require her to leave, Ven took to any sort of training that might’ve been needed, and even Lea and Sora offered to cook or help around way more than they used to. For weeks she tried to desperately hide how terrible she felt at any given hour but they all knew she wasn’t feeling her best.

Weeks had gone by with Aqua sometimes feeling like she beat whatever virus she had only to end up nearly vomiting at the perfectly normal smell of breakfast cooking. It wasn’t until she wondered if maybe she was getting close and that’s why she was feeling so ill, that she realized she couldn’t remember the last time she had gotten anything that month or the one before.

If she had to pick a moment the situation dawned on her, it was then as she lay awake in bed staring out the window at the moon while Terra slept soundly next to her.

Aqua was hesitant to admit to herself her first reaction was fear. She prided herself on usually keeping an open mind and a calm head but she was anything but collected in that moment. What was she supposed to do? She had a job, a position; she had people who depended on her. She…they…her and Terra never talked about it despite the fact she had wanted to ask him so many times but she never did. Now she had no idea how he’d react, how he’d feel, if he even wanted this because the other part of her absolutely did.

She felt bad about it at the time, but she left without saying where she was going afraid if she said she was going to a medical facility Terra or Ven or the kids would ask what was said when she got home. Aqua just wasn’t sure she’d be ready to actually say what she already knew aloud. It at least made the results much less shocking when she heard the words straight from the expert’s mouth.

Pregnant, she was actually pregnant.

Aqua tried to pay attention, to listen to what she was supposed to do next, things to be careful of, things to pay attention. Papers were given to her, one with her name the results listed right on top. To see it in writing made it seem even more real. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. It was her quiet dream, one she couldn’t even bear to share with anyone and yet now it was staring her right in the face and she had no idea how to properly handle it.

No one was around when she got back which was fine. It made it easier for Aqua to slip into her room and into the shower undetected, hoping the hot water would provide her with answers. It didn’t. It only made her feel sick again but this time she couldn’t tell if it was because she was actually feeling sick or because she hated keeping things from the people she loved the most. Yet in this case the thought of actually saying those things a loud was worse.

It wasn’t until she stepped back in her room, dressed in comfortable clothes to spend the rest of the day in bed that she remembered in her haste she dumped everything she got from the medical facility on her bed. It wouldn’t have been a big deal had Ventus not been standing there staring at her wide eyed as he tried to throw the paper back onto the bed.

“I didn’t see anything,” he said, his voice way too high to make her actually believe him.

Aqua didn’t bother being upset he knew or even offer an explanation, she just hugged him and he let her stay there for as long as she wanted. He didn’t offer many words, just a promise he wouldn’t tell and that everything would be okay. Despite the fact Ven was still younger than she was, Aqua believed him.

It wasn’t until a few days later when she finally did tell Terra and to hear his positive reaction that the unease started to leave, making room for a sort of nervous excitement that wouldn’t leave the pit of her stomach. Sometimes it was mixed with nausea, but a lot of the time it just made her smile for no reason. Even now as she laid under the warmth of her blankets in the soft comfort of her bed, she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face.

The curtains were open, the morning light shining in though it was a little dimmer than usual. It took Aqua a moment to realize it was because it was snowing out. Not too much, just enough to see the white flakes fluttering down, starting to cling to some of the parts of the castle she could see from the window.

A warm arm draped over her waist, reminding her she didn’t actually have to go out in the cold weather she wasn’t the biggest fan of. With a sigh she leaned back against Terra’s chest as he rolled over onto his side next to her. Her eyes fluttered shut, his head nudging up against hers.

“What’re you doing?” he murmured, clearly still half asleep.

Aqua could only assume he meant “what are you still doing in bed, you’re usually up at sunrise”. She reached a hand back to find his hair, which only made him lean into her more, one hand curling around her stomach. “I figured they could survive on their own for a morning,” she said though really when she went to get up earlier she was afraid she’d be sick if she moved, so she opted to stay in bed.

Terra hummed as she ran her hand through his hair. “Don’t feel well?”

Well, so much for not saying anything. “Better now.”

“Well,” he breathed. “Guess they’ll have to learn to make themselves breakfast eventually.”

“I’m pretty sure they already do, you just like doing it for them.” She could almost feel his grin in her hair at being called out.

“Possibly.” He tapped his fingers lightly against her stomach and even though there was absolutely no change in her body yet, she still couldn’t stop her breath from hitching in her throat.

It was unusual. Aqua knew that in just one moment their whole lives where changing and yet it really wasn’t all that different. Age wise would be different, but they already had children in their house to look after, they were already parents so to speak. It was just a matter of their family just becoming a little larger.

“When do you wanna tell them?” Terra asked, sounding a little more awake but he still didn’t move. “Before Ven can’t keep the secret any longer.”

“I’d be more worried about you than him,” she snorted.

He chuckled a little but didn’t deny that he was the one who was a terrible liar. “They’ll like it.”

Aqua leaned her head back into his shoulder, feeling his lips bush into her hair. They probably would, they’d be happy too, like Ven was. Yet at the same time, she knew why people waited as much as she didn’t want to entertain the thought.

She reached her hand down to lace her fingers with his. “A little longer.”

He nodded against her and she closed her eyes.

It was hard to explain as she wasn’t unhappy before, not even a little bit. She loved her life, and the ones she shared with all the people who lived her but now…now it just felt right.

[picturediary]

23.09.20

23.09.20

… and just like that, a week has passed…

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

But I have promised that I wouldn’t pressure myself too much about writing, so it’s what I’m doing.

I wish I could say it’s been an eventful week... but it wasn’t.

I wish I could say it’s been a happy week... but it wasn’t that, either.

I haven’t been well, both physically and mentally. I’ve been listless and lethargic, lacking both drive and motivation to do anything. I’ve been living in my head, too, moving heavy thoughts back and forth in my mind. It wasn’t productive. It wasn’t helpful.

But weeks like this one do exist, don’t they?

And I’ve been trying to be more patient with myself when they happen.

It’s Tuesday again, and tomorrow I’ll be back again at work. I had wanted to do that yesterday already, but I’ve had such a horrible night that it didn’t happen.

But first things first, I suppose:

Thursday, 17.09.20: Tuesday still was a good day. A really good day, I’d say. I stayed at home and tried to rest as much as I could. So I slept in, but my throat and head still bothered me. It was late afternoon that I managed drag myself up from the couch. And it seems trivial, so awfully trivial, but I was excited about the Lush package that was waiting for me in the hallway. It had arrived earlier that day.

This is what I wrote online:

“Maybe it‘s been obvious from my lack of posting, but I have been struggling a bit with Lush in the past months. I thought a lot about consumerism and what dedicating an instagram account dedicated to a company - and thus, consumerism - says about me. I‘ve been very, very disappointed when they took so many products - most of the products I use and love, in fact - from the mainline. I‘ve been disappointed in their products in general, especially bath bombs I bought recently that seemed to be... a bit too old to work. Of course, this year is tough on all of us, and companies need to do what‘s necessary to survive, but still... a bitter aftertaste remained because I can’t shake the feeling that the values Lush promotes officially are not necessarily followed everywhere in that company. That being said, I haven’t been this excited about receiving a Lush package in a very, very long time. I actually squealed sniffing the products. Loudly. I had thought I had gotten a bad case of Lush-nose and that I wasn’t able anymore to smell all the fantastic scents of their products, but that wasn’t the case here. (Which brings me back to the suspicion that they have been selling a lot of old stuff recently that they couldn’t sell during the lockdown.) But there it was: the smell that used to excite me so, so much. And a package full of goodies that made me smile like an idiot. This is Lush as I love it. Exciting, cute, and with so many amazing, unique scents. A little spicy, a little sweet, and so, so comforting. So here it is; my first little Halloween haul (not the last, because I LOVE Halloween)...”

And it’s true. I haven’t been this excited about a Lush package since Christmas, I think. I don’t know if it’s a feeling of nostalgia, or if it’s the autumnal and spicy scents that made me so, so giddy, but I finally felt that magic again.

Last year around this time, on Sept 26th namely, I made the little Lush-appreciation Instagram account. Last autumn wasn’t the calmest, most peaceful seasons of all time, but there were some special things that I carry with me ever since then: the sewing classes, watching horror movies with F in candlelight... and the first time I indulged in the Lush Halloween treats. It’s a very special scent that I have trouble describing, but I was so happy to smell it again. I have become a victim of their marketing strategies, that’s for sure... but then again, is it not okay to consume things that are comforting? Others drink or smoke, and spend hundreds of Euros a year... I indulge in bath bombs. It’s a controversial discussion, I’m aware, but at least I’m not going into it blindly. Not entirely, at least.

Being so excited, I showed F everything and let him sniff and wrinkle his nose about those things. It felt a lot like last year, and that was nice. It was before DT’s devastating email arrived, and although I was sick around this time and worried sick, too... a lot of things were still unspoken, and sometimes that’s a blessing. And a part of me, back then, actually thought there was still hope. Now, I haven’t heard of him for so long, and I’m well aware it might be months or years until I hear of him again. And sometimes that drives me crazy. Sometimes, that makes me so, so angry.

Because of course, there was no answer to my email. Of course not.

I dreamt it, even. And when I woke up on Thursday morning, my first thought was: “Well, it was just a dream. Maybe...?” But the dream came true, and it was no surprise. This whole thing has become so layered, to tangled with negative emotions and so loaded... that I should be grateful about the silence. Why can’t I be? Why am I running after someone who doesn’t want me in their life?

F and I had a long midnight walk; the first in months.

It became a small, much needed routine when the lockdown started. We ventured out in the neighbourhood after midnight. We ventured out into the dark, into the crisp air of early spring, into the mist and glowing golden light of the street lamps. We checked on houses that were built in the past months, we watched the cats of the village, saw a mouse and a wild bunny, and looked up at the stars. It’s a lovely little tradition, and we haven’t done it often enough.

So last Thursday, we did it again, and it was beautiful. The night was so clear that we could see the milky way. It wasn’t too cold yet, but cold enough to walk that bit faster. It’s a strange, beautiful serenity that comes with the night, and I’ve always felt like that.

I hope we can do it more often again soon, but F has been very unbalanced, easily irritated and stressed lately. There is hardly a day he doesn’t get upset about this or that, about work or the house or people or the world in general, and it’s the same phrases every time. Not that I blame him. His workload is insane, and it hasn’t gotten any better since the pandemic hit. But it’s frustrating to see him fight the same windmills every day, to see him run in circles and repeat the same little hell again and again. I wish I could help him, and I wish things could just go back to normal. But who doesn’t? We’ve been living in our own little dystopian hellscape for half a year now.

Although it feels much, much longer.

And I’m aware that a vaccine will not necessarily eradicate the virus. It’s highly unlikely. But this? This is hard to endure. It’s stressful, all the additional work, all the conflicts in society, all the panic inside and outside. It’s more than a small nightmare.

But during those midnight walks, sometimes, life is good. Especially like last Thursday, when the air was crisp and smelt of autumn, of damp earth and leaves. (On a side note: spreading the pine mulch a week before had been such an amazing scent-experience, too. It smelt so earthy, so much like approaching autumn that it made my heart ache just a bit.) Temperatures had dropped down to 4°C. When it had been 30°C less than 48 hours before. That, too, is exhausting.

I had a lovely, long bath to end the day, using the black bat bath bomb that was full of glitter and had such a wonderful herbal, autumnal scent. It was a good way to end the day.

 Friday, 18.09.20: There are days when you wish you hadn’t gotten up, at all. Friday was such a day. I was irritated from the start, plagued by a restless night and dreams. My head hurt, my nose was so dry it bled (it still does) and my throat hurt. I was in a bad mood from the beginning. Facing the mess in the kitchen I’ve been facing for the last weeks every day didn’t help. In the past months, due to a lack of time, F has made it a habit to just dump everything – dirty plates, garbage, everything – onto the counter. I understand why, it’s not that, but it’s frustrating to spend a long time cleaning up, unloading and filling the dishwasher... only to find the same mess again the next day. I know... that’s being an adult 101. Doesn’t mean that I can’t feel overwhelmed by it from time to time...

To do something nice and silly, I took some pictures for my IG with those bath bombs – another awfully trivial, stupid thing to do, but it makes me happy – and enjoyed that, and prepared dinner when F arrived at home. I made pasta with my spinach and salmon sauce, and that was nice and filling. But F got upset over things to do in the garden again, and it was a tense atmosphere all evening.

In the late night hours, I watched a so-called horror-movie, although it wasn’t all too scary. But it made me think a lot.

I watched “Boogeyman”, that godawful movie of 2005.

2005... that sounds so close. That sounds so familiar. And yet, it was 15 years ago. Again, time flies. And seeing the movie, seeing the fashion choices and atmosphere, a world without the constant presence of social media and the pressure to be constantly available at all times... it made me feel so nostalgic.

2005.

I was 24 back then. Young. Skinny. A music major preparing for the final concert exam. I was broken, too. Bordering an eating disorder, which made me skinny in the first place, but I would lie if I pretended it doesn’t bother me that I put on so much weight. I loved wearing the pencil skirts. I loved wearing the clothes I can’t wear anymore today. I loved the world more than I love it today.

I was broken, and I went to see my psychoanalyst 3 to 4 times a week. I spent a lot of times waiting for a tram or a bus, and I always had a book in my pocket. Instead of my iphone. I read so much, back then. Now, the distraction of the internet is everywhere.

I miss those days, when the world was coming together instead of falling apart. When my body wasn’t my enemy, like it is now. Always hurting, always causing problems, a thick shell of fat caused by the lipedema that makes moving and exercising so, so hard.

Yes, I had unhealthy habits. Many of them. Back then, I created the scars that I still carry with me. Studying music under TO was exhausting and challenging.

But I felt a sense of accomplishment. I felt proud of what I was doing. Yes, I could also rip myself apart over a passage in the Brouwer sonata, I felt inferior compared to my fellow students who came from around the world. But I travelled to make music. I played in concerts on a regular basis. I was young and the world was wide open.

Am I romanticizing this time?

Of course I do.

Which middle-aged person doesn’t?

Middle-aged. That’s what I am now, right? I’ve used this word aloud for the first time last week, during my last lesson with my student A. I don’t even know how I got there, what made me say it. But there it was, loud and clear: “That’s what happens, when you’re middle-aged.”

It felt strange.

2005, I was young. It was the time when the future was wide open and the years weren’t weighing my down, when my body wasn’t weighing me down. Time was not a factor and everything, simply everything was still possible.

Now, I do feel time and its weight. Decisions need to be made before it’s too late. The future is narrow and determined.

And the world was coming together. There was a liberal air around everything. It was before the pandemic, before the financial crisis. There was a general sense of optimism, or am I mistaken? Just looking at some of the movies makes my heart ache. I feel like the world wasn’t as separated as it is now. The internet was there; a strange place with even stranger people... but it was before facebook and instagram and a constant pressure to post a fake, fabulous life to gain fake, faceless friends and fake, meaningless likes.

Is it bad that I get nostalgic about that?

Sometimes I think: but the world wasn’t as tolerant back then, regarding ethnics and the lgbt+ community.

But... was it?

Was it really?

We live in a radicalized world these days. There are only extremes left in a nightmarish dystopia. There is no moderation. There is no centre left. Only the wrong opinion and yours. The ability to talk and argue in a civilized way seems to be lost.

And here I am, witnessing the wonders and horrors of this time.

And looking at a face in the mirror that doesn’t match me anymore. Photos of myself shock me. I’m old. I’m fat. I don’t play concerts anymore.

Needless to say, I was depressed when I went to bed.

 Saturday, 19.09.20: There are days when you wish you hadn’t gotten up, at all. Saturday was another such day. F was tense, we fought. It wasn’t nice. I tried to tend to the plants outside, but there were once again so many people around... I hate that. I hate that I can’t just water the heather without being seen, without having to smile and wave. I’m a hermit, always have been, and there’s something to be said about the anonymity of large housing blocks. We don’t have that here anymore, and sometimes I wish for a huge, huge, impenetrable wall around our house. If only it wouldn’t look stupid and like a prison from the inside...

While F spent a bit of time outside, I did what I’ve been wanting to do for three weeks now: I put up the autumn decoration. The golden pumpkins, the orange and red leaves, the berry twigs and candles. That, at least, felt like a small accomplishment.

I convinced F to take more me-time. I know he needs it, and badly. I miss him. I miss having dinner with him, but he needs it and it makes him happier, less irritated and more stress-resistant. So I told him to take that time for himself, and things have gotten slightly better since then.

I ended the day in the bathtub again, trying a new bath bomb that was full of spice and beauty. But my heart was pounding and I didn’t last all too long in the tub. But the scent was autumnal and divine.

 Sunday, 21.09.20: I didn’t sleep well and nodded off on the couch in the afternoon. Those days feel empty. I felt empty, too.

The best part about Sunday was a wonderful cooking session. I made homemade tomato soup and spent hours peeling tomatoes, roasting garlic in the oven and bringing it all together. That is the kind of accomplishment I have these days... not playing a whole concert program.

I spent the evening getting lost with my new ipad pro and the drawing app on it. It’s a little addictive and very complicated. I’ve been comfortable with the medium of traditional pencil art and have rarely tried anything else... and this... this is something. I lost track of time, scribbled an opossum, watched the new Netflix series “Ratched” and went to bed.

There was a text on my phone (among many... because that damn thing never, ever stays silent...) from my former student R. The one I have taught for so many years. The one I brought to so many competitions. The one who won third prize on the nationwide round. The one I drove to my old professor. The one who passed the entrance exam at my old college of music. He asked if we couldn’t meet or talk on the phone one of these days. He wanted to tell me what’s going on and how his future will look.

What to bet that means he won’t study music, in the end?

The rest was just more work, more appointments, more requests.

 Monday, 22.09.20: the plan was to go back to work on Monday. That didn’t happen.

I had a horrible night.

I couldn’t fall asleep until half past seven. AM. I was restless and my heart was pounding. I thought about work, about DT, about life and the world and couldn’t stop. Couldn’t rest. Couldn’t sleep.

I dreamt, too. And vividly.

It was a strong dream about DT. I was back at home, with my parents. And I had to prepare a concert. But I hadn’t practiced, at all. My father had informed a local tv station, even. But I hadn’t practiced, and started to panic. I had to get ready, do my make-up, do my hair, get into my concert clothes (oh, how I miss that feeling...) and somehow, miraculously, practice some pieces to fill a concert with...

And somewhere in this mess, where I tried to find sheet music – maybe some duos to play with an old classmate – there was DT.

It was such a vivid, strong dream. So intense.

He was dismissive. He didn’t really want to talk about us, or about how things would unfold from here. And somehow, I tried to convince him that talking would help. That it would make sense to carry on. I tried to convince him that not everything was lost.

And because I had to practice, I just gave him one diary after another. Years and years, tomes and tomes of diaries, piled up in his arms. Somehow, I thought that would be a good idea. Somehow I thought, if he read it all, he would finally understand me.

I was under so much stress, trying to convince him to talk to me...

... then F woke me.

And I felt like hit by a truck.

For a while, I tried to force myself to go to work. Had breakfast, tried to get ready... but with so little sleep, I tend to feel both nauseous and lightheaded. It’s a dizziness that’s hard to be put into words. No way I could be patient enough to teach.

So I called my doctor. And surprisingly, he was on the phone himself. He gave me a sick note for two days. I actually let myself be talked into getting Tuesday off, as well.

I slept until F came home.

I dreamt about my student R., and that he actually didn’t intend to study music. But in the dream, he wasn’t allowed to, so I promised to take care of it, to talk to the college and my old professor.

I felt a little better when I woke up.

F ate dinner alone, and I watched documentaries about video games, continued with “Ratched” and tried to overcome both the lethargy and depression. I think it’s that; the depression. I haven’t been quite myself in the past days, and sometimes all you can do is take one day at a time.

I like the aesthetics of “Ratched”. The 50s vintage beauty of interior design and fashion. I love the soundtrack that is a wonderful homage to old Hitchcock movies. It’s disturbing, thoroughly disturbing, and I’m not quite sure yet if it’s my kind of disturbing. We’ll see. Maybe it’s just the lethargy and depression that drag me in.

 Tuesday, 23.09.20: Again, I slept badly. I can only hope tonight will be better. Tomorrow, I must go back to work. I don’t feel worthy of breathing when I’m not working on a work day. But the night was short and troubled again. Pounding heart. Heavy thoughts. Restless sleep.

I tried to not fall asleep during the day, so I looked for ProCreate tutorials online and tried myself on one of them. I tried to create some characters for the guitar book for children I intend to write (will I ever finish it, though?). And surprisingly, when I looked up again, it was dark. Just like that, hours had passed.

F ate dinner with me, and that was wonderful. His company always helps when I’m feeling lethargic and disturbed and not quite like myself. I’m grateful for that. I’m so grateful for him.

And I really, really hope that I will start feeling better soon.

And that I will sleep.

I hope work will help.