#AND HER FAITH IS STUPID AND SHE NEEDS TO BE TOLD THAT I GOTCHA

[twokinkybeans]

Touch Me, Please [Starker Fic] Pt.3

Summary: Tony Stark has never told anyone that he’s still a virgin. He doesn’t want to sleep with people who only want him because of his outward persona. So instead, he hires an escort. Things get a little more heated than either of them had expected. Tags/Warnings: Escort!Peter, Virgin!Tony, nff, nsfw, sexual tension, teasing, Peter is 22, Tony is 53, oral sex, 69. Taglist: @starkerswonderland @staticwhispersinthedark @starkerprince @parkers-stark​ @bluestarker (let me know if you want to be added!)

Notes: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 2 MONTHS SINCE I POSTED FOR THIS I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THE WAIT Y'ALL!!! I come bearing good news though! This was supposed to have three parts, but the plot started living its own life and now we're definitely having a fourth part as well ehehehe. Hope y'all enjoy! -Kim

Read the fic here on AO3

Or click here to find the previous chapters: Chapter 1 Chapter 2

-

Peter knows he’s fucked. Absolutely, terribly, fucked.

And to be honest… Even that’s an understatement.

Peter clutches his coat tighter and fastens his pace. He’s snuck out of the enormous labyrinth that’s Tony’s home, and is now on his way to the bureau’s HQ. It’s still early in the morning, a little over 7 am, and Peter hopes to catch one of his managers before they start their meeting.

Peter made a grave mistake, and all he can do is spill it all out and pray that he can keep his job. He’s had unsafe sex with a customer. If there’s one thing that he should pay close attention to, it’s that. He never made a mistake like this before. However, with Tony, he completely threw his cool and composed sugar baby persona out the door; his mind lost to the wealthy man he only met last night. Tony may claim to be a virgin, which according to his eager yet sloppy techniques isn’t too hard to believe, but still. Peter shouldn’t have risked it.

He eyes the building in front of him and hesitates. He could just get a test done without his bosses knowing; play sick until he gets the results. But if they were to find out… He’d lose his job for sure. And contrary to popular belief, he’s not in the industry just for the money. He likes his career. 

In good faith, Peter steps forward and presses the doorbell.

-

Tony wakes up when a golden glow casts over his body. He smiles groggily. In his haze last night, he must’ve forgotten to close the curtains. He sighs and turns around, grabbing the sheets to tug them up a little higher. Slowly, the surroundings are getting to him. The distant sound of traffic rushing through the busy streets of NYC. The buzz of the elevator as it sweeps past his floor...

...and the complete lack of another human’s breath.

Tony swallows and his eyes flutter open. A harsh sting rips through his chest when he sees his bed is indeed empty.  “Peter?” He calls out, half-heartedly expecting an answer but not at all surprised when it stays dead silent.

-

It’s safe to say that the following days, Tony is in such a sour mood that his employees nearly cringe each time he walks across the room. He should’ve never hired an escort to have his first-ever sexual encounter with. The plan was destined to fail from the get-go, and it had. 

“Tony?”

Tony turns around to find Pepper standing in the doorway of his private office. Pepper has been his personal assistant for years now, and he is aware that he wouldn’t survive a single day without her skills in his company. She’s seen his worst more often than not - and she doesn’t deserve to be the one to take his anger - but Tony can’t help but glare. “What?” “Jeez, they were right. You’re a fucking asshole today.” Pepper says calmly and raises her eyebrows as she closes the door behind her. Tony can feel some of the tension fade from his posture and he casts his eyes down.

“What happened?” She proceeds to ask. Tony shrugs. How could he tell her? “I did something stupid.” “I figured as much.” The PA places a stack of files onto his desk and sits down in the chair opposite of him. “Personal troubles, or Stark Industries-related?” “Personal.” “Ah, good. That’s one less of a worry.”

Tony glares again, but this time it’s more playful. Pepper smirks. “Gotcha,” she hums, seemingly pleased with herself. “Now, tell me what happened.” “I can’t.” “I’m sure you can, it’s-” “It’s too embarrassing, Pep. Please, I gotta deal with this by myself.” Pepper raises her eyebrow at his words and leans onto the wooden surface.  “Then deal with it before you drag Stark Industries into whatever it is.” She shoves the stack of paper forward and smiles faintly. “After you deal with these, of course.”

“Of course.”

-

It’s late in the evening, and Tony swirls the whiskey around in his glass. He finished the work right before dinnertime and decided to take the rest of the night off.

Deal with it.

Tony snorts. How could he? Peter left. It’s plain and simple that the kid didn’t want to stay. His pretty, sweet words had been nothing but lies and deception, and Tony feels like a goddamn fool for falling for the act. Peter is an escort. Pleasing people, telling them what they want to hear, it’s his job. Tony can’t blame him. He only blames himself.

Yet, it doesn’t keep him from grabbing his phone and navigating towards the escort website. He sniffs once, finding his way to the catalog. It should be easy to find Peter. Right? Tony scrolls down the list and frowns when he hits the bottom of the page. Mmh. He scrolls back up and sits a little more upright when he can’t seem to find Peter’s picture. He taps the search bar and types in his name.

No results found.

In a wave of panic, Tony types out the bureau’s number to contact them and waits anxiously. He has no intention of bothering Peter ever again, but now that it seems he vanished, it makes him feel strangely panicked. As if every link he had to the boy is simply gone. As if nothing ever happened.

Except something did happen.

“Good evening, this is Eva. How may I help you?” “Uhmm- Hi. It’s Mr. Stark. I’m, eh, I’m looking to book Peter again? He was here last night?” “Oh, I’m terribly sorry to inform you, sir, but I’m afraid Peter is temporarily unavailable. I could put you on the waiting list for when he returns?” “Please.”

And like a stupid idiot, he disconnects straight after. He sniffs and lowers his phone. He wonders if he just made another mistake.

-

Peter sucks at his teeth, his foot restlessly tapping onto the floor. He looks at his scheduled bookings and stares at the one empty spot. There’s only one client left to call, but Peter doesn’t know if he should. After a long tirade, and thankfully, a negative STD test, he’s back in the game and good to go. But, if he couldn’t keep himself together last time… He’s not sure if it’d be professional to go back to Tony.

Sweet, innocent, handsome Tony.

“Hey,” Harley pokes his head past Peter’s shoulder and grins. “I see you’re free tonight. My pal Dave is throwing a party at the Frizzles. Wanna come?” Peter rolls his eyes at his coworker and grins. “And get Dave to hopelessly flirt with me again? No, thank you.” “Oh, come on!” Harley throws his hands into the air in desperation. “Dave is your type!” “He’s not,” Peter grumbles, nearly shuddering at the idea. “Good fella, but no, not for me. Y’know I’m into rich old classy dudes. Heck, so are you!” “Hey, no need to attack me.” Harley lowers his bum on the edge of Peter’s desk and cocks his head. “You barely ever have a night off. Don’t you wanna have some fun? I’ll try and keep Dave off your back.” “Well…” Peter sighs and stares back at the empty spot in his schedule.

“I actually have a client.” “What do you mean?” “It’s the last free spot, and I have one more client to secure a booking with me. I just…” Harley frowns, his face displaying a sudden seriousness. “Peter, did this client hurt you?” “What? No!” “Then why are you looking all gloomy at the mere thought of that one client? Is he- Did he force you to not use protection? Peter, we can have him blacklisted, and-” “It’s not at all like that, please Harls, I promise.” “Then tell me why the fuck you’re so strange about it. You’re never strange around clients. Fuck ‘em, get them hooked for more and tadaa, that’s a healthy clientele, it’s how you taught me.”

Peter groans out loud in frustration and shoves his chair back a little, trying to distance himself from the scribbled down phone number at his desk. “I like him!” “What?” “I… I like him. Dammit. He’s really fucking different than the rest of them. I’ve only slept with him once, but he’s got me hooked, not the other way around.” “Then why’d he call us again? Eva told me he sounded pretty nervous.”

Peter’s face loses all color when Harley’s words crash down on him, crumbling the reality he’d build around himself. “No, no Harley, don’t enable me on this one. It’s bad luck. I shouldn’t do it.” Peter scrunches his nose. “Tell Dave I’ll be at the party.”

Harley simply grins, his eyes glimmering mischievously as if there’s something only he knows and Peter doesn’t. “Sure thing.”

-

It’s been two weeks since the damned party. Peter doesn’t feel any better about himself. As expected, Dave had followed him around all evening. Harley, traitor he is, was nowhere to be found. In the end, Peter couldn’t take it anymore, and he straight up told Dave he wasn’t interested. Thank god the lad took it pretty well, but it doesn’t make Peter feel any less shitty about it.

Peter really should just focus on his job and put his mind away from both Dave and Tony. It’s for the best. He sighs and stares at the next appointment on his list. The name is hidden, a feature they have for clients who are high in on their privacy. Peter sighs and grabs his car keys to go to the appointment. 

-

Tony’s tapping his foot anxiously while he tries not to stare at the elevator. It’s needless to say he’s not doing a very good job at doing so. Peter’s going to be here again. Oh, God. Tony can’t shake the feeling that maybe he shouldn’t have accepted the booking when Peter’s coworker called him.

[handonhaven]

Forgive me for writing everything on this profile, but when I start, I don't know where I will end. It's more or less that the Phoenix powers work when Landon is in a good emotional state or when it is about good intentions, not showing that you know something more because you want to be useful. Maybe that's why he lost the Phoenix powers because he was subconsciously not in the right place emotionally, after all, Rafae is probably the first person who made him feel loved and who cared for and was protective of him. Well Hope it was a crush without believing that any of it would not pass and turned into reciprocal love. And even more so now that Malivore has taken over, he may not even want to be a Phoenix to protect others. I figured if I had to match Malivore's behavior with a character from this world, I would choose Mikael or Landon's adoptive fathers. I mean, they want a family, but only at their own imagination, if something does not suit them, they destroy it. You don't really know what will please Malivore if he doesn't understand what loving and family really mean. When the power of the Phoenix comes back, I hope that the tears of the Phoenix will have a meaning in conjunction with Hope if the creators follow the beaten path. Because I really don't want Hope to think that she is cursed and her love is a death sentence and not something beautiful that gives strength to both those involved. Or that you are born only to die or become possessed and destroyed, although the only "bad" thing you did in life was to be born in such and no other family. None of them deserved suffering, maybe they do stupid things sometimes, but they are teenagers who do not fully embrace the world, especially with a past where there is no adequate support. They do not understand that sometimes it is a lie and ignorance, it is a blessing for them because the adults lie to them. Though sometimes it is strange that Landon still believes in people and does not believe in himself. Hope, on the other hand, believes in herself, but not in people. Simply put, they both add faith in the world and themselves and that it will be fine. Only scriptwriters would be able to disregard anti's single sentences out of context to please them. Well, I guess that's how it is everywhere.

It’s okay! I get that, haha. Oh gotcha, that’s a very interesting theory! It could be possible or have something to do with it. That’s a good point, that’s true about Raf, and Landon was very emotionally affected by what was happening to Raf when he realized he lost his powers. So there’s a chance there may have been some kind of connection. And yes, he’s definitely in an even worse state now because of Malivore.

And I never thought of that before, but you’re right! Yeah, Mikael was all about strength over weakness. He despised Klaus, even before he knew he wasn’t his son, simply because he viewed him as weak. Similar to how Malivore did not want Clarke because Clarke was not the way he wanted him to be. They both rejected their children or only wanted them if they showed strength or power. I’m not sure about Landon’s foster parents, but they clearly did not want Landon or care about him with how they abused him. (I’m not even sure if it was multiple people who abused him or just one? They really need to tell us more about that.) True, Malivore doesn’t have an understanding of love or family, so having those things isn’t going to please him. It seems only power is going to please him, as of right now. And his desires have also been influenced by the fact that he was created with an insatiable need to consume, as well as the fact that Cleo inspired him to want a vessel, which both made him want revenge and to create his own powerful species. All of his actions stem from those things, right? So if he hadn’t been affected by all that, what would he truly want? What is he like without those things? Would he have still been evil? Idk.

Oh yes, same, I really want to see Landon have healing tears too, and for it to be revealed with Landon reacting to Hope somehow. And me too, it’s so important for Hope to know those things, and I really feel like she has realized those things this last season in a lot of ways. She’s no longer willing to believe that she and Landon are “doomed,” she believes they can fight against their fate. And she doesn’t want to activate her vampire side, and hasn’t willingly sacrificed herself to make that happen in order to kill Malivore. So I feel like she’s grown a lot and has started to see that she doesn’t have to give in to the idea that she’s cursed or meant to die and that her love isn’t a death sentence. And I hope they’ll go even further with that. And yes, they absolutely do not deserve suffering, especially when they’ve done nothing wrong, very true.

And that’s a really interesting point about the ways that Hope and Landon believe in others vs. themselves and how they’re flipped. Yeah, it makes sense for Hope, but it is strange for Landon to feel how he does about others after the way people have treated him throughout his life. It definitely shows that he has a very forgiving and optimistic outlook and tries to see the best in people. But I also feel like he was more similar to Hope at the start of the show, in that he had a harder time trusting people like she did. And he seemed to have more confidence in himself, he stood up for himself more. But then it’s like going to the school made him feel worse about himself. He went from surviving his whole life on his own and being able to rely on himself and being capable in that way to then being told that he’s weak and always needs to be saved (which contradicts his entire past and the fact that he had survived on his own) just because he doesn’t have the kind of supernatural abilities that everyone at the school deems as “useful.” So I feel like the way the people at the school treated him made him feel inadequate and that it had a very negative effect on him. So I think that’s probably why he doesn’t believe in himself? Though how he still believes in other people and is able to see the best in them, idk. But yes, exactly. I think Hope and Landon have been able to balance each other out more with Landon helping Hope to open up more to people and Hope helping Landon to know his value and that he’s not weak, but a survivor.

But yeah, I’ll never understand how the writers have sometimes ignored aspects of their own show and how they’ve written Handon (or just Landon) by throwing in a senseless line to please the antis. It’s happened too many times, and I hope it’ll stop in season 4.

[acreativeme]

Going to Work Mad

WARNING: THERE IS A MENTION OF A SHOOTING AND DRUGS

Request: hey, i wanted one with jay halstead. Jay arguing with his partner and she being shot, with a final fluff.

“Why are you being so overprotective, Jay? This isn’t my first UC, hell it’s not even my second or third!” Y/N asked, slamming her locker shut. 

Jay rolled his eyes, pushing off the lockers he was leaning against. “This isn’t some college dealer sting, Y/N. These are some of the most dangerous members of the Lorenzo Cartel, they are gonna see right through you.”

She sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm the anger boiling in her chest. “College dealers? Is that what you think I was dealing with in Boston, Jay? You think the irish mob is a bunch of ‘college dealers’, huh?”

Stuffing his hands in his jacket pockets, Jay nodded. “Obviously. They aren’t like the gangs we see here in Chicago.”

Y/N stepped around the bench, moving closer to Jay as she spoke. “Really, Jay? Have you ever had to watch an innocent 15 year old girl get wiped and burned alive for rejecting an arranged marriage with an much older man? Or seen a 13 year old boy have to execute his own brother, because said brother talked about wanting to be a cop?” At this point, Y/N was up in his face. “Have you ever come upon a body with no tongue or eyeballs and shredded vocal cords? And when I say shredded, I mean like shredded chicken.”

Jay visibly gulped, taking a step away from Y/N. “This is different. You are going under as a prostitute, not a dealer.”

She shook her head, turning away from Jay. “Jay, you don’t get it. I wasn’t just a dealer in Boston. I was a prostitute as well. The only difference is that I am not actually going to have to sleep with anyone here.” 

Y/N picked up her UC bag and walked out of the locker room, putting an end to their argument. 

~Before~

Y/N stood in front of Kim, staring off into space as Kim laced up her mic. Her and Jay’s fight played in her head, distracting her from the conversation going around her. She and Jay had been partners since before Erin left 4 years ago, which made her believe that he had some faith in her. ‘But apparently not.’ 

“Got it, Y/N?” Voight asked, pulling Y/N out of her thoughts.

“What?” She responded, looking around at her teammates.

Kevin stepped up. “The code word is cherries. So, that is what you will say in case you are in danger and need assistance.”

She nodded, slipping her leather jacket over her shoulders. “Gotcha. I can work that into a conversation.”

Voight clapped his hands together. “Alright! Let’s roll!”

Dressed in a tight leather skirt, maroon crop top, 5-inch black heels and leather jacket, Y/N strutted passed Jay. Jay glared after her, tugging at his vest. 

Kevin stepped up to him, watching her walk away. “She looks fine. “

Jay looked over at him, “shut up.” 

Kevin laughed as Jay moved to get in the van. 

~During~

Y/N fixed her jacket as she walked up to the bar, brushing passed intoxicated party-goers. She locked eyes with Kevin, who was sipping on a beer, for a brief second, before leaning between two anonymous females to order her drink. 

“What can I get ya?” A tatted up man asks, wiping his hands on a towel.

 Y/N bit her lip, “can I get Dirty Ricky?” She batted her eyes at him. 

He clicked his tongue. “Are you sure, little Lady?”

She nodded slowly, pulling a roll of cash out of her purse. “I am sure.”

He grabbed the roll from her, nodding towards the door at the end of the bar. “Meet me at the door.”

Y/N nodded, pushing away from the bar. She tapped her purse three times, to signal Kevin. “I’m going back, guys.” She whispered to the team. 

“Stay alert, Y/L/N” Voight’s husky voice rang through her earpiece. 

“Got it.” She knocked on the door, walking around the bartender that opened the door.

The man led her to another backroom, where there were three large men and a well-dressed woman. There were multiple little baggies of crystal meth and stacks of pre-counted cash neatly organized on the table between the four of them. 

The bartender whispered in the woman’s ear, handing her the roll of cash. The woman nodded, waving him off as he finished speaking. “So, you are looking for some Dirty Ricky.” The woman’s voice was like velvet. “Are you sure you want something that strong?” She clasped her hands together. 

Y/N shifted in her spot. “Yeah, I am supposed to be going to rehab, so I need something strong to last me.” She started rubbing her arms as if she was itching for another fix. 

The woman stood up from her chair, signaling for the men to stay seated. “Rehab, you say. What rehab?” The woman played with a gun.

Y/N stepped back, racking her brain for a rehab name. “Rebirth. It’s in California. My folks want me far away from my triggers.” 

The woman looked at the men, who seemed to be searching the internet. The balding man was the first to speak. “No such rehab exists in California.” 

The woman tsked as she looked back at Y/N. “Now, why are you lying about going to rehab?” 

Y/N pretended to bite her nails. “I was hoping for a discount, you know.” 

The woman popped the clip out of the gun, to count the bullets. “I don’t know who told you about me or told you I do discounts, but they were lying to you little lady.” She slid the magazine back into the gun. She circled around Y/N, looking her up and down. “When was the last time you used?” 

Rolling her shoulders, Y/N bounced on her toes. “Two days ago.” 

“Tsk. Now, I know that is a lie. You aren’t showing any signs of withdrawal.” She circled around Y/N to stand in front of her. “There is no way you are an addict.”

Panic rose in Y/N’s chest, “woah! I’ve just been curving the cravings.”

The woman shook her head, tsking. “I’m calling bullshit.” Not wasting anytime, the woman let off two shots. One hit Y/N in the shoulder, while the second hit in her abdomen.

Y/N screamed out in pain, hitting the ground. She could hear the team breach the building, Voight was calling in an ambulance as Kevin knocked in the door. Despite the intense amount of pain, Y/N tried to put pressure on her abdomen wound. Black orbs started to form as the team formed a circle around her and their suspect. She could feel Jay’s eyes burning holes into the side of her face, but she was more focused on the red pool growing under her. 

The suspect muttered under her breath. “I fucking knew you couldn’t be a junkie.” She set the gun down, surrendering to the team. Voight and Adam cuffed the suspect, allowing the rest of the team to assess Y/N or go get the EMTs that showed up. 

Jay was the first to fall at her side, replacing her weak hand with his strong one. “I can’t believe you got yourself shot.” His voice shook. 

She laughed, breathlessly. “Are you gonna tell me ‘you told me so’?” She asked as she fell out of consciousness.

“No..” He whispered, stepping back to let the EMTs work.

~At the Hospital~

Y/N was in surgery for 10 hours, due to both bullets hitting bone and breaking into fragments. She had also lost a lot of blood, so they had to make sure she got an infusion of clean matching blood. While most of the team came in and out of her room, Jay remained a constant figure. He sat at her bedside, left hand clasped in hers.

Voight and Platt stood in the doorway, watching Jay talk softly to his partner. Both were stunned by the care he showed towards the injured detective. “I’ve seen him like this.” Platt stated, taking a sip of her lukewarm coffee.

Voight grunted in agreement. “Not even with Erin.” Y/N started to stir, signaling that it was time for the older officers to leave.

They shared a knowing look and turned away from the door, giving the pair some privacy. Neither Jay or Y/N spoke. Jay simply poured her a cup of water, letting her take small sips before sitting back in his chair. 

“How long have you been here, Jay?” Y/N asked, voice still raspy from the anesthesia.

Jay rubbed the back of his neck, looking down sheepishly. “The whole time you've been out.”

Y/N leaned back a little further and noticed that he was still in the same clothes that he wore to the bust, the only difference was that they now had blood stains. “You should change and get some sleep, Jay. You are covered in my blood.” Y/N’s voice was laced with strong emotion. 

Jay shook his head, “No. I am okay.”

Y/N squeezed his hand. “I am okay, Jay. You don’t have to stay with me. I will be okay for a few hours.”

He just continued to shake his head. “I’m not leaving you again.” His voice cracked, tears welling in his eyes. “I thought I was going to lose you today. And all I could think about was our stupid fight and how much I wanted to tell you that I love you. I am so sorry, Y/N.” He leaned down and sobbed into her hands.

Shocked by his confession, Y/N’s mouth fell open. “Jay…” She whispered, causing him to lift his head. “I love you too.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

With a wide grin, Jay cautiously pulled Y/N into a passionate kiss.

[snarkybluechristian]

Hazbin Hotel: Yandere Alastor x Vaggie Chapter 47

After a long day of therapy with only breaks to use the bathroom or eat and a break before lunch to work out on a cycling machine, Angel finally was allowed to go to bed.

Angel had spent the whole day pretending to watch porn.  Under ordinary circumstances, it would have been considered a good day, but since Angel had spent the whole day thinking, he was relieved to finally get to rest his brain.

Of course, Doctor Red was there to make sure Angel complied to all his rules, including what he had to wear to bed.

Just as before, Angel complied to all the rules.  Once he had brushed his teeth, dressed in his white undershirt and gray boxers, taken a sleeping pill, and used the bathroom a final time, Angel let the gargoyle demon to strap him to his bed, cover him with heavy blankets to keep him warm in the cold room, and pull up a stool next to his bed so that he could brainwash him with a final bedtime story.

Angel felt exhausted and beyond humiliated.  All day and all evening, Doctor Red had been infantilizing him in every way imaginable as a “way to make up for the attention his father never gave him.”

The spider demon had complied the best he could, but the effort it took for him to hold his tongue and keep a straight face while he planned was draining, even with the medicine inside him to keep him calm.

It was Angel could do to keep a straight face while Doctor Red read him his disturbing anti-gay propaganda.

“And the gay witch burned at the stake and all her victims lived happily ever after,” Dr. Red read, before dramatically closing his book.  “The End!”

Angel let out pretend moan of pain to gain the doctor’s sympathy.

“Oh, Anthony, what’s the matter?  Why so blue?” Dr. Red said, gently rubbing his stony fingers through Angel’s hair.  “You won’t be burned at the stake.  You’re going to be straight in no time.  You’ll see.”

Angel merely replied with another fake moan.

“Just have faith, my good boy,” Dr. Red replied just as he looked down at his watch.  “Oh, it’s getting late.  It’s almost 8:30.  It’s time for me to eat dinner with your father and time for you to go to sleep.”

The gargoyle smiled, ruffling Angel’s hair a final time before picking up his stool and carrying it out of the room.

Angel remained still and expertly maintained his catatonic expression.

“Alright, Anthony,” Dr. Red said as he pulled the blankets more evenly over Angel’s restrained body.  “Your sleeping pill should take effect in an hour.  Sleep tight.  I’ll be back for you in the morning…”

Kiss.

Dr. Red kissed Angel on his forehead.  It felt like he was a toddler getting tucked into bed.

Angel was so surprised he almost lost his composure, but the gargoyle made his way back to the door and turned out the light without missing a beat.

“Goodnight, Anthony,” Dr. Red said softly with his ruby eyes sparkling to reflect the light outside the room.  “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Goodnight, doctor,” Angel replied as emotionlessly as he could muster.

The good doctor shut the bedroom door, made his way up the stone stairs, and exited the basement.

No sooner had Dr. Red left the basement than did Angel unleash his third pair of arms and vigorously wipe the kiss away.

Angel sighed and laid back on the bed, basking in the irony.  He was rejecting kisses from men.  Maybe he was becoming straight after all.

Angel breathed another deep sigh and settled back under his covers to enjoy a long night of sleep.

He relaxed that way for a few minutes until the air conditioner shut off.

Then Angel heard a familiar voice echoing through the vent, “You call this shit food?!  Why don’t ya let me outta here so I can really give ya something to feast on…Oh, yeah?!  If ya fuckin’ hurt Angel, I’m gonna come after ya after I finish off Sir Pentious tomorrow!”

Angel knew that sassy voice anywhere.

“Cherri!” Angel practically screamed.

In less than a minute, Angel loosened all his straps and ran over to the vent grating.

“Cherri!” Angel called through the vent with a smile of relief.  “Cherri, are you there?!”

“Angie?!” Cherri asked from the other side of the vent.  “Angie, is that you?!”

“Yeah,” Angel said with a sigh of relief.  “Thank God!  I thought they would have sent ya back to Sir Pentious already.”

“That ain’t happenin’ till tomorrow,” Cherri replied.  “I’ve been here since last night.  But never mind me, how are you?!  Are you okay?!  I thought I heard ya screamin’ earlier.  What have they done to ya?”

“They gave me electroshock therapy earlier when I was putting up a fight, but besides that, not too much,” Angel said with a slight chuckle.  ��They gave me drugs and made me watch porn after that.  Then, after he strapped me into bed, Doctor Red read me a bizarre homophobic bedtime story.  They’re doing everything they can to turn me straight.

“Holy fuck, Angel,” Cherri replied anxiously.  “How can you be so calm about this?  They’re really tryin’ to mess you up.”

“Blame the anti-anxiety medication Doctor Red made me take,” Angel replied.  “What has been happening with you?  My Dad and brother told me what happened between you guys, Charlie, Alastor, and them, but they wouldn’t tell me what happened after that.”  

“After your Dad dropped off Alastor and Vaggie at his mansion, he drove to Molly’s apartment and forced her out of the car.  She was furious.  The poor thing tried to chase down the car, but your Dad drove like a bat out of hell and lost her pretty easily,” Cherri explained.  “I would have helped, but I was restrained with a straitjacket and your unconscious body…”

“Sorry about that,” Angel interrupted.

“No problem,” Cherri replied before continuing.  “Your family brought me here, removed the straitjacket, and shoved me in this stupid room with its stupid bombproof doors, windows, and walls.  They’ve kept me here all day and have only entered the room to give me plates of food and water bottles at gunpoint.  Apparently, Sir Pentious isn’t going to be ready for me until tomorrow.”

“Goddammit, Cherri,” Angel said with angry tears at the corner of his eyes.  “I’m so sorry.”

“It ain’t your fault, Angie,” Cherri said sarcastically.  “Besides keeping me locked in an empty guest room with only a mattress on the floor and giving me plates of food and water bottles at gunpoint, they’ve been pretty nice to me.  Except for your brother.  He offered me freedom in exchange for certain favors.”

Angel busted out laughing and replied, “My libido-less brother tried to get you to sleep with him?!”

“I swear to God.  I’m being completely serious, Angie,” Cherri said with a chuckle.  “After they tossed me in here, your brother showed up around an hour later wearing heavy cologne and holding a bottle of champagne and asked me if I’d like to spend some time with him in exchange for freedom…”

“And?” Angel asked curiously.

“I threw a smoke bomb in his face,” Cherri said with a proud smirk in her voice.  “That got him out of my hair really quick.”

Angel chuckled out loud and said, “That little shit.  I’m so sorry, Cher.”

“Don’t be, dude,” Cherri said reassuringly.  “This room ain’t all bad.  It has a bathroom with magazines in it.  I got to have a bath and wash my underwear and sock.  Your Dad said this was a guest room they had renovated and hadn’t moved the furniture into yet, but that is bullshit.  What kind of guestroom has bombproof walls, windows, and doors?”

“You’d be surprised with our line of work,” Angel replied.  “But besides that, they’ve been treating you well?”

“Yeah, but never mind about me, Angie,” Cherri said, her tone shifting back to serious.  “What about you?  They’ve been trying to brainwash you all day to turn you straight!  Jesus, man, that is really fucked up!”

“Yep, my therapist Doctor Red is a real piece of work, too,” Angel said.  “God sent him to Hell for for doing this shit to other people and he thinks it was because he failed to convert anyone.  He's gullible as hell though.”

“What do ya mean by that?” Cherri asked.

“Let me put it this way,” Angel explained.  “Doctor Red thinks he can fix me, and I’m just playing him into my hands.”

“I gotcha,” Cherri replied.

“The plan was to have a meal with my father and brother before they went to Alastor’s wedding if I behave for the week,” Angel explained.  “Then, when the end of the week comes, I take the opportunity to bust outta here and run to the wedding to save Vaggie.  That was the plan anyway.  Now, I gotta help you.”

“Aw, you don’t need to worry about me, Angie,” Cherri said.  “I can break out of Edgelord’s place easily.”

“Cherri, I ain’t leaving you with Sir Pentious,” Angel protested.

“Angie, you don’t need to worry about…” Cherri tried to protest back.

Angel quickly cut her off, “Cherri, listen to me!  Sir Pentious is an over-ambitious, incompetent simp, but you and I both know he is still strong enough, smart enough, and dangerous enough to be a threat to you and most other demons.  If Sir Pentious didn’t take you right away, that means he is setting up something special to deal with ya.  You couldn’t take him on alone before and I doubt you’d be able to this time.  I am not letting that happen and that’s final.”

Cherri sighed loudly and said, “I know there’s no changing your mind, ya overprotective nut, but what are we gonna do?  Sir Pentious will be here to take me tomorrow, you’re gonna be tortured in the basement, and I’ll have to fight a legion of your family members alone.  I don’t even have a hope of breaking out of here before then with this fucking bombproof room.  God, I should have just said yes to your brother.  If your Dad thought we were a couple, I would have been allowed to stay.”

A lightbulb went off in Angel’s head.

“That’s it,” Angel said.

“What?” Cherri asked.  “What’s your plan, Angie?”

Angel sighed deeply and said, “I know you ain’t gonna like this, but how about we get married?”

“What?!” Cherri asked incredulously.

“Hear me out,” Angel explained.  “If I pretend that I’m madly in love with ya, Dr. Red and my family will be inclined to keep you around to spend time with me to aid in turning me straight.  Then when I’m finally let outta here to spend time with my family, they’ll let you out, too.  Understand?”

“Yeah, I got it,” Cherri said with a smile in her voice.

“All you gotta do is pretend to like me back,” Angel added.  “Do you think you can do that?”

“Ugh,” Cherri groaned.  “You’re like my older brother.  This is gonna be so weird.”

“Cherri…” Angel pleaded.

“Alright,” Cherri agreed with another groan.  “I ain’t no actor like you are, but I’ll try my best.”

“Just follow my lead, baby girl…” Angel said just as a sudden noise got his attention.

It was the sound of the cellar door opening.

“Shit,” Angel muttered to himself.

“Angie, what’s the matter?” Cherri asked in concern.

“The doc’s back, gotta go!” Angel replied in a rush.

Without waiting for a reply, Angel quickly hopped back into his bed and reshackled himself.  He then made his third pair of arms disappear and shut his eyes.

Thankfully, the doctor reached the bottom of the stairs without taking any notice of any noise.

As soon as Dr. Red walked past his door, Angel tossed and turned as loudly as he could while keeping his eyes shut and began calling Cherri’s name.

“Cherri!” Angel called out while dramatically tossing himself to one side of the bed and then the other.  “Cherri!”

Angel heard Doctor Red opening the door to his room and asking himself, “What in the world is this?”

Angel smiled internally and kept up his performance.

“Cherri!  Cherri!  Cherri!  Cherri!  Cherri!”

Angel kept his eyes shut and continued calling Cherri’s name repeatedly while Doctor Red took notes on his note pad.

“Interesting,” Doctor Red muttered in a pleased tone.

Suddenly, another voice called out from the top of the stairs.

“Hey, doc!” Arackniss’s voice called.  “Have you found your notes yet?  The Don’s waiting for ya!  What’s goin’ on?”

“An interesting development,” Dr. Red said gleefully.  “You must come and see!”

Angel didn’t hear a response over his own cries, but he heard his brother walk down the stone stairs.

“What’s going on?” Arackniss asked.  “What’s Anthony doing?”

“He’s calling a woman’s name in his sleep,” Dr. Red said excitedly.  “Please observe.”

The pair were silent while Angel continued pretending to sleep and call Cherri’s name.

Arackniss scoffed and said, “Oh, he’s calling for his gal pal, Cherri Bomb.”

“Cherri Bomb?” Dr. Red asked.  “Oh, right!  The kingpin who tried to help Anthony and Alastor’s fiancée run away.”

At this point, Angel ceased yelling Cherri’s name and pretended to settle back down so that he could listen to the conversation.

“The very one,” Arackniss replied.  “She’s locked in the guest room on the first floor.  We’re selling her to her rival Sir Pentious tomorrow in exchange for weapons.  Anthony hasn’t seen her since that night, so he’s probably just worried about her.”

“Interesting,” Dr. Red said writing more notes in his notebook.  “Have they known each other long?”

“Anthony’s helped her with her turf wars for about 40 years from what I’ve gathered,” Arackniss said.  “From what I’ve heard, they’re pretty close.”

“Interesting,” Dr. Red said.  “40 years is more than long enough to develop a romantic attraction.  It seems that the treatment is working faster than we thought.  My scientific opinion is that Anthony is developing a longing for this demoness.”

Arackniss snickered under his breath and said, “After only a day of therapy?  There’s no way.  She and Anthony are only friends.”

“Don’t be so sure, Arackniss,” Dr. Red said confidently.  “Perhaps your brother and Cherri were only friends, but I’ve found that often in pursuing homosexual relations a patient might be suppressing desire for a heterosexual partner.  Now that we’re pushing away the homosexual attractions, the suppressed attraction to his female friend.  Oh, this is so exciting.  I must get this demoness involved in the therapy.”

“How do ya plan on doing that?” Arackniss asked.

“Gradually, of course,” Dr. Red replied.  “We mustn’t throw Anthony into it.  We must ease him into the heterosexual relationship like a glove.”

“I still don’t know about your theory but easing Anthony into a heterosexual doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” Arackniss said, making a puffing noise that let Angel know that he was puffing on a cigarette.  “So, what do we do first?”

“First, we must discuss this with your father,” Dr. Red replied.

Arackniss and Dr. Red then shut the door and headed upstairs.  Angel waited until the moment he heard them both shut the door to the basement before he unstrapped himself and dashed back to the vent.

Angel reached the vent and said, “Cherri?!”

“Angie?!  What happened?!” Cherri replied concernedly.

“Dr. Red came down to retrieve his notes, so I started crying out your name,” Angel said with a smirk.  “He came in to watch me, called my brother down, and now, they’re going to talk to my Dad to get you integrated into my therapy.”

“Hot damn, Angel Dust,” Cherri Bomb said with a proud scoff.  “How’d you pull it off?”

“Thank my 50 years of acting, sugar tits,” Angel bragged.  “Dr. Red is now convinced that you’re my repressed crush.  My brother ain’t convinced, but it doesn’t matter.  Either way, you ain’t going nowhere.”

“Holy shit,” Cherri said.  “You never cease to amaze me, Angel.  I owe you one.”

“Don’t mention it, Cher,” Angel said.  “Now, we just gotta act our way out of here.”

“Oh, God,” Cherri said in a sudden panic.

“What’s the matter?” Angel asked.

“Do you think they’ll make us have sex while they watch?” Cherri asked.

Angel paused for a moment and said, “Oh, God.  I didn’t think of that.”

Just then, Cherri heard some hands fiddling with the locks outside her door.

“Angie, they’re here, talk to ya later,” Cherri muttered out in a hurry before she zipped back to her mattress and curled up into a fetal position, pretending to be asleep.

Arackniss pushed open the door, and Dr. Red flicked on the lights and entered the room.

“Doc, what are you doing?  You’re gonna wake her up,” Arackniss protested in a whisper.  “We put her in the bombproof room for a reason, you know.”

Dr. Red ignored Arackniss and continued to look around the room and grimace at the conditions.

“Doc,” Arackniss whispered again.

“I heard you the first time, Arackniss,” Dr. Red said.  “I know very well what Miss Cherri Bomb is capable of.  I do not intend to wake her.  I only intend to make observations...”

Dr. Red took a moment to look at Cherri and continued, “Cherri Bomb is a scrawny little thing, but she is pretty.  She looks cold and hungry though.  You must improve these conditions.  A man who falls in love must be comfortable.”

Arackniss sighed out his cigarette smoke and said, “I suppose we can add some blankets in here.”

“That’s not enough, Arackniss,” Dr. Red chided.  “You need to furnish the room, give her proper beauty products, give her books to read, and clothes to change into.  You need to feed her better as well.  Women are delicate creatures, Arackniss.  You need to take care of them.”

“If you’re sure,” Arackniss replied skeptically.

“Of course, I’m sure,” Dr. Red retorted.  “I used to give courting advice, you know.  Now, we must go speak to your father, but for tonight, fetch Miss Cherri Bomb some blankets to put her in a more pleased mood.”

Arackniss grumbled, “Very well.”

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Dr. Red asked.  “Hop to it.”

“Hey,” Arackniss protested.  “Watch your tone, doc.  We’re employing you.”

“And your father told you to do whatever I asked,” Dr. Red quipped.  “Now, go.”

Arackniss silently stewed for a moment before he rolled his eyes and left the room to find the blankets.

While Arackniss was looking for the blankets, Dr. Red sat down on the mattress next to Cherri’s sleeping form.  Cherri felt him sit down next to her, but she managed to maintain her relaxed composure.

That was until Dr. Red started stroking her hip.

Cherri made a yelp of dislike and twitched her leg away.

“Oh, dear,” Dr. Red said apologetically taking his hand away.  “I’m so sorry, love.  I didn’t mean to wake you.  Go back to sleep.”

Cherri turned over to the side of the mattress facing away from the doctor and pretended to try to go back to sleep.

Fortunately, just then, Arackniss entered the room with a stack of blankets and a pillow.

“I’m back,” Arackniss announced.

“Good,” Dr. Red replied taking the pillow out of his hands.  “Now, let’s get her more comfortable.”

Dr. Red gently lifted Cherri’s head and placed a pillow under it while Arackniss covered her body with the blankets.

Once the blankets covered her form, Cherri pretended to relax in her pretend sleep.

As Dr. Red shut out the lights and left the room, he said, “She’s a good one.  I can tell.  Miss Cherri Bomb is extremely sensitive to the touch of a man.”

Arackniss groaned jealously as he left the room and shut and locked the door behind him.

Once she was sure they had gone, Cherri zipped back to the vent to explain what had happened to an anxiously waiting Angel.

The pair shared a few laughs and discussed some more details of their plan before they finally parted for the night and went to sleep.

[mittensmorgul]

I've just read through your previous ask about a yellow bathroom from S13 and some older color meta posts, but I'm wondering if you had any thoughts on the use of yellow specifically thus far in S15. You noted, "Which brings us to yellow (and also yellow and blue together, which have always been a warning sign on Supernatural… she says as she’s watching 9.01 and looking at Hael wearing a sulfur-yellow sweater over a dark blue dress. Those are the colors of Heaven and irresistible duty)." Con't..

So far what’s jumped out at me is Amara’s yellow pant suit, the girl tonight (avoiding spoilers bc timezones) wearing a yellow beret and tie-thing, and most glaringly, Dean’s yellow over shirt at the end. We never see him wearing yellow, certainly not that blatantly, or at least not that I remember. (My memory is unreliable) ‘Heaven and irresistible duty’ certainly fit, but I’m wondering if you have any new thoughts or anything else to add.

***

hello! And welcome to the continuation of the chat I initiated with you while trying to work out what exactly to say here. I’m copy/pasting my chat rambling here and then going forward from there…

(editing this, because tumblr borked the formatting when I posted it... thanks for that >.>)

the way Lilith’s clothes were coded in this episode were effectively a trap. SHE was effectively a trap, I mean Chuck had “written her into the episode” specifically to “seduce dean” after all… and she did that… wearing an outfit that ScREAMED Cas, so I want to put together something coherent for you before replying :’D

coinofstone Gotcha. Thank you for teaching out. I don’t generally follow color meta, someone pointed me to some of your #color and temp posts so I dug through a little before sending in the ask - Lilith’s comment about Chuck’s pervy obsession with Dean was a giant klaxon that made me think of Dean’s concerns about Cas too. But it’s also another “Hey remember Amara” moment

mittensmorgul yeah, and it’s a really good point

coinofstone Absolutely. I look forward to reading your post on this, once you’ve had time to digest and get it all written

mittensmorgul you mentioned the “duty to heaven” association with that mustard yellow/tan color, and that seems really relevant since Lilith’s entire presence there was in service to Chuck’s story, even as an unwilling participant in it, while Dean’s wrestling with his entire relationship to Cas, questioning if any of it was even real, since Cas’s mission originated as “Duty to Heaven” in saving him from Hell

mittensmorgul And I think all of this will become textual in 15.09, in Dean’s prayer to Cas…Foreshadowing! But not the kind Chuck’s writing…

mittensmorgul heck, I think I might just copy paste what I wrote to you here, and reply to your messages. I think I’ve worked out what I need to say

(and now that I have permission to post this, we can move on to why this is so interesting)

Lilith lampshaded herself as Chuck’s plot device, effectively. She was reenacting her own previous plot line from 4.18, seducing one of the brothers. Last time it was Sam, this time it was Dean. I’ve already posted something else about this tonight. She actively critiqued Chuck’s writing all along. She saw through Chuck’s story enough– even while she was a basically manufactured element of his story– to be self-aware of her own function within that story, as well as to point at other elements of the story and tell Dean “this is foreshadowing, isn’t it dull and predictable?”

She’s like… the opposite of Becky in 15.04.

Chuck basically BEGGED Becky to give him “notes” on his draft, and Becky had approached it in a fanfic-mindset of good faith, assuming Chuck was basically just writing fanfic as any human would. Lilith is self-aware, and knows the meta-plot. She knows she’s been placed there as a character in Chuck’s story, and she knows all about the story Chuck is trying to tell… and she HATES it.

She says she was given the choice of three vessels, and chose the one who’d apparently “picked the hardest road” for herself. She could’ve chosen one of the other girls, but this is the story that resonated with Lilith. Did she choose this, or did Chuck create her story out of whole cloth as even more foreshadowing, and with heavy references to the past when he’d done exactly the same thing with her? (rewriting her from a child into a “comely dental hygienist” when that suited the narrative he needed to tell?)

But that brings me back to Ashley/Lilith’s weird choice of clothing. Even back in the opening scenes in the tent, her two friends are dressed normally– t-shirts, like one might wear to sleep while camping. But Ashley… had the tie on. Scarf. Neckerchief. Whatever. She looked weirdly like she was trying to be a girl scout just because they’d been on a camping trip, you know? So, weird neckerchief. Which in this case looks both like Cas’s tie, AND Marie’s outfit in 10.05.

And Chuck told her, “not bad.”

Yeah, school uniforms for Marie and friends, but… Ashley/Lilith apparently chose this for herself, right down to the weird little beret.

Marie’s outfit was trimmed in this mustard color, but Lilith’s is just full-on mustard accessories.

Because Lilith was entirely self-aware through this entire episode that she was nothing more than Chuck’s plot device. She had no free will. She said repeatedly that she would’ve tortured and killed Sam and Dean both if she could, but she couldn’t, because she was entirely limited by what Chuck created her for within this episode. HOW FRUSTRATING, RIGHT?!

I guess, hence the perma-fake-tear visual of that wound on her cheek. Which was emphasized in the episode with her actual tears coursing over the cut.

This… was her chain. She could COMPLAIN about her role, she could complain about the stupidity of Chuck’s entire story. She could even laugh about his obvious asinine plot devices and foreshadowing– including her own incongruous appearance at this point in the story. But she was entirely bound by the construct Chuck created for her, and was unable to act outside of his plot.

Duty. Bound. And it’s tied right around her neck like a choker she can’t take off, in the color of duty to Heaven.

AND SHE WAS A DEMON, NOT AN ANGEL.

That doesn’t exempt her at all from being a pawn in Chuck’s narrative.

She even talked about her original purpose, to die for the original story, to free Lucifer, and her frustration that it was all for nothing. There was no grand purpose fulfilled because of her sacrifice. As far as she;s concerned, everything her entire existence was built around had been a lie. And she’s seen Chuck whole story for what it really is as a result of that. And yet here she is, playing another role for Chuck, in his unending narrative where he hopes maybe this time around things will work out to his liking. But it never will.

She also lampshaded the whole Free Will versus Destiny conundrum which we’ve been saying for years was the central theme of Supernatural since… forever. And pushed Dean to reiterate his stand on it– that he wouldn’t give it up, that he’d take all the bad he’d ever endured all over again, as long as he was making his own choices in his life. I’m not even sure that was what Chuck was going for here, or if Dean’s continued assertion of his own belief in free will was what broke Chuck’s hold over Lilith as a “character” here, and allowed her to begin voicing her critique of Chuck’s story, you know? If Dean had given in to her seduction, would she have ever been able to wrench free enough of Chuck’s written story to voice her own opinions of it? I like to think that Dean’s act of rebellion there changed the script, or allowed her to go “off script” enough to fill him in on some of the realities of Chuck’s interference.

But that remains to be seen. As far as Lilith goes, I think she was a construct for this episode… literally an agent of Chuck entirely created for the purposes of this episode as a test just as she was in 4.18. Was this the “real Lilith” brought from the Empty? Or just Chuck doing his thing and creating a story? How much can a writer really lie within the construct of his own disintegrating story?

[stardust-and-bloodstains]

Rant under cut:

Okay, I just watched this and it made me mad. Let me tell you why:

1. 

This is our introduction to Somnus, The Asshole. When did he become an asshole? Why is he an asshole? The answers are left to you, because no one is going to tell you here. 

Watch as he turns an entire militarised force against regular citizens who are unarmed and ailing. 

Somnus, your people need your help! 

Yeah, no worries, man, I’ll just blindly eradicate every single person who even vaguely suggests any threat of Starscourge!

Somnus, you’re a genius!

2.

Ardyn clearly disapproves. 

Suddenly we have a dynamic that honestly no one prepared us for.

Ardyn also has a dry cough, and that’s bad because anyone with a cough now will probably be rounded up and barbequed before they can even say “urti”.

3.

Keep this in mind, everyone. God-given.

And of course, you’re not gonna show me how charismatic Somnus is, so you’re going to tell me this irrationally blood-thirsty son of a bitch is definitely someone absolutely charming through a bunch of narrative exposition. Gotcha. Thanks.

4.

Oh, Proto-Luna, hi. I wonder what wonderfully deep emotional balance and narrative contribution you’re going to bring to this story? I WONDER WHAT YOUR ROLE IS IN THIS?

5.

The first of many wasted seconds of filler where whoever wrote this simply had zero faith in our ability as an audience to understand what is happening without it having to be spelt out word for fucking word.

6.

I might as well take issue with the way this random Daughter of Farmer is drawn - double Ds with clingy shirts is the flavour of this damn scene, because if she was anything else, then she wouldn’t be worth saving, would she?

7.

Yeah, don’t do what my dickhead brother did to me. Dickhead.

Is it sufficiently clear that Somnus is a Bad Guy yet?

Here’s where we take a moment to look at this - as @thatonedaydream has stated, there’s no good solution to the situation these people have been placed in, and in their own, hamfisted way, the Prologue is trying to make that point. 

The Starscourge seems to have changed in origin throughout the course of the known canon lore of FFXV, and this Prologue leaves us no more enlightened than we were before it. That said, it seems we’re sticking to the idea that the Astrals presented a way of curing the Starscourge, which Ardyn is utilising as prescribed, but that’s resulting in corruption. Somnus, on the other hand, is attempting a complete purge of any signs of Starscourge, but honestly, it’s looking more and more like simple mass murder for all his efforts to keep things under control.

8.

I’m sorry, what? Isn’t being denied the throne your whole schtick the entire game? And yes, I know what’s coming in the next ten minutes, but if you genuinely didn’t care about being king, then why do you adopt being denied it as the summary of your motivations for all your bad deeds in FFXV?

Why is there no consistency to the characterisation of Ardyn? Why is he suddenly being presented as this altruistic, generous and self-sacrificing individual who is willing to face persecution for the sake of others? This gels in no way to the character that he eventually becomes by the time the events of FFXV occur, and stinks of lazy writing hoping to justify eliciting sympathy from a dumb audience by contrasting blatantly “good” traits against a character (Somnus) who is being portrayed as blatantly “evil” just to ensure that Ardyn looks especially sympathetic.

And I hate that so much.

9.

Look, I actually like Aera. For all five seconds of screentime she is granted to give us any indication of her personality, she seems to be a strong-willed, sassy Oracle who does as she likes, despite the rules.

Too bad that doesn’t hold true when she has any possibility at all of influencing the plot.

And guys, does anyone know who Aera is meant to be engaged to? I know something was lost in translation here, but I can’t figure out which brother it is. Not that it matters...

10.

What is even the point of this filler scene? We learn no new information, learn nothing about the characters, their history, the world’s history. If this is meant to foreshadow Ardyn’s fate, then there isn’t much that really couldn’t be said with just the final frame of dialogue where Aera freaks out over a very boring waterfall.

I suppose we’re meant to feel sorry again for Ardyn, who has given up everything and lives like a hobo because the only thing he wants is to be with Aera. Too bad she’s gonna end up in a freezer - 

11.

So someone please tell me what the point of this scene was? Oh no, his cough is back. Oh no, he’s being chased by some of Somnus’ guards. Oh no, he fell. Oh no, it’s raining. Oh, poor Ardyn, he’s got it so rough.

12.

Look at this asshole, assholing all over the place, what an asshole.

13.

And now, ladies and gentleman, that the strong and sassy girl has the opportunity to say something in defence of all that she fights for and believes in, A Mysterious Hand that is Evil (see the pointed tips of the gauntlet for proof) BLOCKS HER FROM DOING SO. OH NO.

14.

I am so fucking. angry. at this stupid scene that I cannot. THINK. 

THERE GOES THE GIRLFRIEND INTO THE FREEZER. 

THANKS FOR RUINING THE PIECE OF MUSICAL GENIUS THAT IS THE THEME OF SOMNUS FOREVER.

15.

Mind fucking you, the whole damn nation is out to see this, and no one does a DAMN THING ABOUT IT.

16.

You’re telling me he had a loyal population of followers and not a single person thought that this was maybe a little bit unfair and decided to form an underground resistance? Oh wait, Big Evil Somnus probably stamped them out in the subsequent tyranny that the Great Nation of Lucis was founded upon. Of course.

---

And at the end of all this, not even the shitty gods know who the heck Izunia is.

This Prologue made me so angry, I spent my Sunday afternoon thinking about it, and I’m still not over it. As I told @lacertius, I feel betrayed. I’m a big Final Fantasy XV fan, and I was excited about Episode Ardyn. I was open-minded to meeting the man behind the enigmatic smile and the douchy fedora. I expected more from this, and I was let down. 

I’m angry because this is not the story I hoped for. This is artificial and lazy and it breaks my heart that this is the last hurrah for the game that we’ve all grown to love.

[ecmlol]

“ I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my mom. Why?”jude asked

“ well there is a guy name bigbro925 that catch my attention. He thinking the picture is tacky and youit would look better in black and white.”

“ well his birthday would be 9/25 if he’s old because I was a early morning baby I think my mom said something like 12:10 so if he was born 11 minutes before me that would be the day before.”

Noah clicks on bigbro925 page.There are a lot of pictures of dogs, food and landscapes.

“ gotcha you. I found selfies kinda”noah shows jude

“ wow that’s just amazing. “Jude says as he sees the first picture of his brother.

Brandon is sitting on a couch with a goatee and a clean cut hair style that looks very much like Jude’s .

“ I don’t know how it’s even possible that you could be even hotter. You’d look great with a goate.” Noah say

“You think?”

“ definitely “noah say.

“ next year for your birthday I’ll grow one for you for a couple of weeks.”jude says

“ only if you want to”noah say

“ sure why not I like the extra sleeping in time in the summer.”jude says

“ me too.I miss your longer hair too.”Noah says running his hand over Jude’s newly cut hair. Noah give Jude’s hair a little tug at the nape.

Noah smiles and kisses Jude’s cheeks. Jude gets goosebumps

“ so do you think I should respond to your brother? “

“ I don’t know but I think you want to.”Jude say

“You know me so well” noah smiles

Noah goes back to his picture and goes to the comments.

“ I will let my husband know. Send” noah say.

Noah looks at Jude and shrugs.

“ I’m trying to be nice to him. You don’t want to antagonize someone like him. I maybe nuts but I’m not stupid.”

“ you said it not me “ jude says with a small smile.

“ haha let’s get going you don’t want to be late to meet officer Murray.”

Jude and Noah headed to the bathroom to get really for the day.

Noah is driving because he wasn’t staying at work he was heading to his old apartment to check on Jamie after dropping off jude with his personal body guard.

Jamie is sitting on the couch doing homework when there a knock on the door.

At first Jamie didn’t know if she should get it or just sit there.

“ Noah should have his key” jamie says to herself. Jamie gets up and takes the headphones off her belly.

Earlier in the week pax sent flowers to the apartment. Normally Jamie would have gotten rid of them but she felt like the apartment need some color.

The door opens and Noah pokes his head in.

“ you dress?”

“ yeah of course”

“ ok just checking” noah walks in carrying a body pillow.

“ is that for me ?”jamie say as she gets up.

“ of course “

“ I’m really happy you came over. I felt her move this morning!This time I know for sure it was her and not gas!”jamie says will a smile.

“ that so awesome. I can wait to feel her kick. If that’s ok”

“ of course “

“ thank you”

“ oh I started to put the headphones on my belly so she can hear yours and Jude voices. I don’t know if she can head it but that’s when I felt her move the first time for sure.”

“ thanks I want her to be comfortable with our voices if that’s even possible.”noah says

“ I’m sure she will. I think you have a nice voice I’m sure she will think so too.

The pop of colors from the flowers on the counter catches Noah’s eye.

“ owww flowers.”

“ yeah about those pax sent them to say sorry”

“He hasn’t been back has he?”

“ no not yet but I’m sorta thinking he will come by at some points.”

“ you don’t think you might need a restraining order do you?”

“I hope not that seems a little extreme don’t you thing. I can handle myself.”jamie say

“ ok.”noah says

At the arena Jude and Murray are doing Jude’s daily walk around. This is the time of the day that jude sees the progress on any repairs that are being done on the arena.

Jude and Murray make small talk as they walk the arena.

“Have you seen the new lays potato chips?”Murray asked

“No I haven’t my husband loves chips though what flavor s are they” jude asks

As Murray tells jude about the pizza flavored chips she gets hit with the feeling that they are being watched.

“ oh those sound good”

“ they taste just like pizza.”

Murray steps a little closer to jude.

“ do you feel like we’re being watched?”

Jude look over his shoulder he sees something move in his peripheral vision.jude quickly turns. Off in the distance jude and Murray hear someone knocking things over like someone is running into thing as they try and get away.

“ Sooo I know it’s none of my business but why am I here.”Murray ask.

Jude has a quick flash back of the first time jude was at Noah’s apartment.

“ Well my husband thinks I’m in danger ...”

“Of....”

“ my ...brother”

“ oh..”

“Identical twin brother “

“ well fuck us.a evil twin. No wonder why my boss told me to pay close attention to your cloth and hands”

“ my hands?”

“ your rings. You wear a lot of rings for a man.”

“ ah ok.”jude wears his engagements and his wedding band and the devil chapionship ring.

“In the back of my head I sorta thought about a double or something. I looked you up and you have one sister but nothing about a twin.”

“ well I just found out and I haven’t even spoken to him yet. Your very good at your research my sister has been mentioned once In social media.”

“Your husband mentioned her once”

Jude nod.

“ ok we need a plan.

Jude sighs

Jude is tired of all the passwords and plans. It seems like Noah is coming up with something new everyday. Even Their back up plans have back up plans. Why should she be any different.

“ ok what’s the plan?” Jude say with fake interest not wanting to make her feel like he is undermining her trying to do her job.

Around the corner Brandon is fumbling to get away when he runs into Snow the security guard.

“ ah huh” snow say.

“ sorry .”

“ your fine what’s the rush and where’s Murray at?”

“ bathroom. I have to go”

“ well have a good one. Mr. kinkade.” Snows says and heads in the same direction as Brandon.

A few minutes later jude and Murray come across Snow.

“ Mr kinkade it a pleasure to see you as always”

“ hi have you seen anything unusual today?”Jude say

“ matter of fact I have your brother just left.” Snow says.

“ you know? How”?”

“ I use to work closely with your father. Let’s say we keep I touch.”jude has never noticed how well groomed the older man is or how expensive his taste in watches are.yes he’s head of security at the arena but what’s his story? Jude thought.

Wow married to a reporter for a couples of weeks has already starting to rub off on him Jude thought to himself.

“Your father and me go all the back to before you two were even born. I was a police officer that came to a call at a accident your father had. Our long time arrangement didn’t happen until a few weeks later when we met again when I was working a side gig at a underground club he use to visit. And the rest is history as they say”

“ wow I had no idea my father has friends.”

“ your father has acquaintance.”

“ ah.”jude says

“ I must go check on something. Always a pleasure. My lady“He tips his hat to Murray and nods to jude before walking away.

“ oh he’s interesting.” Murray say

“That he is “jude says

A few hours later noah picks up Jude in the back of the arena. The proper passwords and are exchanged.

Noah smile and leans in to give Jude a quick kiss. They both wave to Murray and drive off.

“ how is everything at the apartment?”jude ask

“She felt her kick this time it was for real .”Noah say

“Let me guess it was gas last time.”

“ yes I love that your doing so much baby research “ noah say

“ well I’m all in . I want this too. I never thought I would have almost everything I have ever dreamed of before I’m 30. I’m willing to go the distance to get it to.”

“ ok this isn’t some kind or foreshadowing to darth Judius is it?”noah says

“Haha noah Don’t Jedi sometime walk a fine line between the light and dark side.”

“ as much as the geek talk is turning me on there is a down side of Luke crossing the line.BAM hello Kylo Ren”

“ I have full faith that you will rein me in if you think I might cross that line.”

“ let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

The week went by quickly. Jude and Noah started to get in to a nightly ritual that they both enjoy. The trips home are a ping pong of their daily going ons and trying to figure out what’s for dinner. Once home Noah tends to start stripping out of his cloths at the door. Jude finds is funny and endearing that Noah is down to his underwear by the time he makes it to the bedroom.At first Jude thought Noah was trying to Initiate sex every night until noah stopped him and informed him he just wanted out of his clothes.That was after the fifth blow job in a row. How was jude to know.Jude on the other hand opts for a slower strip down in his home office. Noah heads to the living room to play video games while jude works in his office most of the time. Tonight Noah has something else in mind.

Noah puts down the game control and pads to Jude’s office.

“ hey I’m going to call my dads want to say hey.” Noah asked .

“ we do need to put that in the schedule don’t we . Family phone calls.” Jude looks up at Noah like he wasn’t that happy about it.

“ three minutes ago you seem like you were in a better mood what’s wrong?”

“ zero”

“ oh?”

“ yeah he’s coming to town and wants to see me”

“ I thought you blocked him”

“ I did but not from email.”

“ oh.”noah crosses his arms over his bare chest.

“ it’s just league business noah”

“ he’s in the European league so what business does he have with you?”

All of a sudden jude looks guilty.

“ ah ...I’m not really ready to answer that”jude say in a uneasy tone.

“ come again jude you can’t just tell me your ex is sniffing around and not tell me why. Don’t start shutting down again. You have been so open with me.There is no reason for you to clam up now”noah says as he crosses his arms over his chest.

“ Nono”Jude gets up and walks over.noah sides steps Jude.

“ Nono? Really?Wow you really have to tell me what’s going on now”

Jude walks pass noah and have a seat back at his desk.

“ your not going to let this go are you?”

“ no I’m not”noah says as he sits on the couch across from Jude’s desk.

Jude sighs

“I’m not ready to talk about this noah. I promise something that I can’t deliver now “

“ so you promised something to zero?”noah ask

“ yes.”

“ what did you promise jude?”Noah asked

“ I don’t want to talk about it noah can’t we enjoy our evening? We can call our families and dance to a few songs. We can have fun tonight your way.”

“ This ride is closed until further notice. “noah says

“ Noah come on I’m too embarrassed to tell you that I wasn’t joking about the 6 sexual favors comment when I got the devils.”

“ wait one of your backers is zero?”

“ you can say that.”

“ Jude...”

“ Fine all of my backers are zero. Of course I have the small investors but zero is the main backer. I never even told Lionel. I told him he owed me for humiliating me by walking out after proposing to him.he is the technical half owner of the devils.It was his idea to tack on the delayed break up sex sessions.”

“Wow Jude. So when were you going to tell me about this little arrangement? Our daughter high school graduation maybe? Or when I walked in on you two having sex?”

“ Noah I had to. I couldn’t think of anyone I could strong arm that kind of money out and don’t say my dad.”

“ well atleast with your dad you wouldn’t have to break a vow”

“ we were not married at the time ! You can’t blame me for not seeing the future.

“ so you didn’t see a future with me then even if it was short term?”

“ Noah I had feeling for you then that I was scared of. I figured I’d screw it up and you would leave just like he did. I never thought I’d be married noah. Please don’t be mad I never thought he would ever want to “collect” on it and if he did I didn’t think I’d ever have anyone that would care if he did “collect”jude say

Noah looks closely at Jude . All the emotions that are clearly on his face are hard to look at.Noah knows that he’s telling the truth. Noah’s frustration starts to melt away.this is part of the messiness her loves about him and a side effect of that love.

Noah gets up and hugs Jude.

“We will figure this out.”noah says

“We ?this is my fault my mess to clean up”

“ do you you want to sleep with him ?” Noah ask . Jude shakes his head no .”it’s not like he has it in a contract.”noah say

“He said if I don’t show up he will come out as co owner of the devils “

“Oh” noah says

“ I’m screwed”Jude say

“ not yet. We can figure something out.”

Jude breaks the hug first.

“ let’s not let my problem ruin our Friday night.”jude says

“ your problems are mine now jude. I just said that. We are in this together “

Jude sighs and walks over to the couch to have a seat.

“ this is two weeks away let’s talk about your game day tomorrow. Hell let talk about anything but this.I think we have all the snack you need.”

“ yeah we should be good “noah sighs

“ what time is everyone coming over tomorrow “

“ around 11“

“ oh ok that’s not bad”jude says

Jude walks out of the office and Noah follows him out.

Jude turns to Noah and smiles.

“ so what do you have in mind for tonight?”

“ how about you come over here a and I’ll turn on the stereo and sees where our feet take us.”

Jude walks over and Noah turns on the stereo . Lately noah has been working on Jude’s slow dancing.

Wicked games by theory of a deadman comes on.

“I like this song” jude says

“ me too and You are getting better.”

“ I have a very patience teacher”jude says

Jude and Noah slowly swirl around the livingroom in almost a sexy way. They are only talking to each in a whisper that sends chills down Jude’s back.

“ I love the feel of you in my arm.” Noah says in Jude’s ear.jude sighs and leans in closer.

“ this is nice . It’s like we have our bubble back.”

Jude and Noah dance for one more song and then head to bed to Jude’s disappointment.

Jude wakes up to noah getting dressed in a tank top and a pair of basketball shorts.

“ what time is it?”jude asked

“1030 I wanted to make breakfast for us before they got here how does smoothies sound?”

“ ok I guess I need to get up”

“ no you don’t have to get up yet .Relax Jude.

Jude lays back down and curls up. It’s amazing how well you sleep when you know you have someone fully in your corner. There is something about falling asleep with someone’s arm flung over you or your head on on someone chest just before falling asleep. Jude smile to himself. Is he worried about zero ? Yes is he worried about the baby situation ?yes but knowing noah has his back makes a big differences to Jude.

The blender goes off in the kitchen and a few minutes later Noah comes in with two tall cups.

“ Dane ? Love you asleep?”

Jude rolls over and smiles at noah.

“ here”

Jude looks in the cup and smell it.

“ chocolate and strawberries?”

“ and half the refrigerators “ noah say as he sips from his metal straw.

Jude takes a sip. As Jude sips he stares at Noah.

“ ah is something on my face?”

“ thank you for being you.”

“ ah your welcome?”Noah looks confused

Jude chuckles to himself. Jude thinks to himself it’s too early for a heart to heart.

“ what’s on your mind my Dane?”

“ just thinking about how grateful I am to have you”jude said screw it because he wants to keep his word to be more open.Jude is shocked that Noah is still here after the talk last night about zero. He didn’t yell or walk out .If zero was his husband last night and not Noah jude would be wondering where he spent the night at.

“ oh..well I’m lucky to have you too Dane “ Noah kisses Jude’s cheek.

The intercom goes ok.

“ hey dude rise and shine.”

“ that Mike”

Noah hops up to let mike in.

Jude gets up and gets dressed in a pair of jeans and one of Noah’s Zelda T-shirt .Jude didn’t want to stand out .he wants to look like one of the boys.

Jude walks out to see 3 men he has never seen before besides in pictures.They don’t seem very happy to be here.

“ ah this must be the new Mr. nice to finally meet the guy that stole my teammate .” The 30 something Chris Pratt look alike says with a edge of hatered that made jude want to turn around and go back to bed.

“Mike don’t be a dick. You can walk right back out that door guys.” Noah says crossing his arms

“Ah hey” jude says from across the room

“ hey nice digs. Yeah still live in the hood though” mark says.

Mark is shorter than everyone else in the room. He looks like he’s might be part Asian to Jude.

“ longtime no see pussy whipped ”

Jake says as his looking around the living room and drops his bag on the floor.

“ hey I get it I have been busy if you guy want to be a asshole to my husband you can all leave.”noah say

Jude doesn’t feel very welcomed at all. After a few seconds of awkward silences. Everyone starts to laugh and properly greets jude with a hand shakes and a hug which catch jude off guard. After the last congratulatory hug , hand shake and apologies jude feels like he can be the hostess with the mostest as Noah would put it

“ did you plan this” noah say.

“ you could have told us asshole.”Mike says with a smiles

“ yeah your getting cursed out the next time you see my lady “jake say

“ what are we chopped liver” mark says

“ I’m so sorry It was a last minute thing. “ Noah says

“This is my fault. I rushed him into it” jude says

“ how about we do this can we have a dinner here to make up for it.” noah say looking to jude to see if he’s cool with the idea.

“ I don’t see why not. Not sure when we can do it with the up and coming season.”

All the gamers seem willing to come for dinner and didn’t mind waiting.

“Good now that that’s settled so who’s ready to get there ass whooped?”Noah says with a smile.

“ man get out of here with that shit” Mike says

“Not a chance dude”mark say

Jude notices Mark keeps looking at him.

As the guys set up the living room how they like it, Jude notices that everyone has there own gamer chair and yeti cup with there perfered drink in it. Jude steps out the way and just watches as they move furniture .when did noah put things on the legs of the couch to make it glide across the floor with out scratch the floor.

Jude smirks and nods his head at noah ingenuity.

“ don’t worry we will put it all back”mark says with a smile and a wink.

“ watch it” noah says from across the room.

Noah makes a gesture that means I’m watching you to mark. Jude has no idea why .

Jude ‘s face must have showed it.

“ really man you didn’t tell him” Mike say

“What that in a nother life mark and I where more than just friends for like 5 seconds”

“ what?”jude say

“ dude what were you thinking?”Jake says

Jude gives Noah a look that he knew he need to talk to him in private.

Jude heads to his office.

“ don’t start with out me”

“Someone in trouble”Mike says

“ man I hate to see what the punishment for this is going to be” Jake say

“I’m sure it will be epic “ Mark say with a smirk.

Noah follows Jude to the home office.

Noah closes the door behind him.

Jude takes a seat at his desk.

[chickenmcfuggits]

WIP

Running until her lungs burned but the feeling overshadowed by how much it hurt inside. Out of breath slow down with her arms wrapped around her chest as she tried to sob and gasp for breath at the same time. She paid no notice to the mucus or the passersby staring at her. There was only the emotion, a physical pain where no injury existed yet pain nonetheless. And suddenly the eyes on her became oppressive and she had to get away. Down into the subway and on before she even registered taking her rail pass out of her pocket. Alone now the world receded into a gray haze, and the tears finally flowed.

 He stepped on and felt the pain before he even saw her. It made him wince, checked his stride a moment, then he sat down across the aisle.

                        “Hi. I’m Kevin. Everyone is a bit busy, so they sent me.”

He stares at her eyes as she gives him a questioning look. The hurt so real, solid, material, it was like you could touch it.

“The angels, the spirits, whatever you wish to call them. They didn’t think they’d get here in time, so they sent me.”

There was still that glaze, that disconnection with what was around her. She saw, she heard, but she wasn’t listening. He leaned forward, and his face hardened.

“You didn’t see this coming and you can’t get a grip on it, can you? That they’re gone?”

There, she’s starting to comprehend. This is happening. A stranger is looking inside of her. Survival instinct should pull her out some now. Good. Things should move along now. He was right in the middle when this came up.

“Listen, we’re going to have to work together on this, bringing me up to speed. I didn’t have any notice. I was just in the neighborhood a few blocks away and she reached out to me, your Grandmother I think it was.”

Her lips pursed slowly as if to whistle, and eyebrows moved together in a frown. This was too much for her, and her strength of spirit was coming to the front.

“Who am I? I told you my name is Kevin. No idea what yours is but I figured at some point you would tell me as long as I arrived beforehand.”

“I’m S…Sarah. What beforehand…who are you……Grandmoms…. what?” Confusion led to tears again, and mucus from her nose but this time embarrassment and her sleeve to wipe it. He handed her a rag from his pocket.

“Before you stopped your life, ended your story, killed yourself. In about two more stops I think Grandma was saying.”

Now a reddening and anger crossed her which didn’t really surprise him. To know one’s self is to be well aware of one’s shitty bedside manner. He excused it with the urgency of the matter at hand.

“Kevin or whoever you are my Grandmoms has been dead for a year.”, the anger turns to a brood turns back to controlled tears,” Everyone I love…depend on….dies.”

Delicately now boyo, he thought. You can’t stop her physically, those are the rules. She must make the decision or in this case not make the decision. Yours is just to make sure she makes the right one. You’re never going to make it as a politician. Pull your head out of your ass. This one is self-assured, strong, even if she’s about give up her oxygen rights and you have a nasty habit of spitting out truth a little too bluntly. Smooth this one out.

“Okay listen. Grandmoms…..,” his eyes look up and to the right, “Rachel…. screamed at my higher self a few minutes ago that I had to save you and practically punted me here Astrally which would have been quite a feat as I’ve never been into Astral travel and not sure what I would have done had I been sent here that way. Heh”

His humor only funny to himself, he gathered his thoughts for another try. Focus, asshole. This kid’s been through it and you’re being a dick.

“Yes, I know by that look…just trust me. Your Grandmother came in like a jet landing at full speed, full protection of the loved one mode. I didn’t get to speak with her, I just went the direction I was shoved and saw a few flashes, a few bits of what I needed to do.”

“Are you a medium?”, she asked.

“I’m not sure what you’d call me, but for now I’m your guardian’s bitch….no, that doesn’t sound right. It’s hard to explain.”, deep breath for a pause, “When you take steps forward, spiritually, you take on responsibilities. The same beings who give to you also require from you. It’s like a pact with the universe.” He could see he was wandering too far away. Maybe this was good but getting their mind off it always left the door open for later. He pulled another rag from the pocket of his flak jacket.

“I’ve been a lot of things like a soldier and a cop and I served people. But I was rigid, believed in God and all that. Was married for a few years which was a story unto itself but after that was over I met a girl, Erin, my soulmate. I lost her and coping with it led me into spiritual matters. I couldn’t move on with the tools I had inside me, so I investigated other ways. Zen. Law of Attraction. That shit.” Wrap it up. This documentary of self-discovery is taking too long, and your personal life is stupid anyway.

“I found I had gifts that others had as well and used them. No, Erin never came back to me, but I grew inside and accepted it. Then I learned there’s a cost. But those of us in the game pay it willingly. Now, about time you tell me what you are feeling.”

Anger.

“Feeling? Isn’t it obvious? My life turned to shit not an hour ago then some stranger on the subway is telling me he spoke with my Grandmoms who is gone. I thought empathic people could tell how somebody felt just by...feeling..I guess.”

“I’m not trying to find out how you are feeling, Sarah. I know how you are feeling, or how I would feel if I just found my three closest friends…..” BRAKES DIPSHIT! “Listen. I guess what I’m asking is do you know? Do you know what is going on inside your heart this very moment?” softly, draw her out.

“I don’t know. Lost, I guess. Alone. Lisa and the rest baked with me a few times, but they started getting into other stuff I wasn’t ready for. We drifted. But I was alone too much after that and today I just went back to see if we could patch things and…”

The sobs started in her stomach and rose through her throat. A scream waited inside but refused to come out.

“Why is this happening to me?” Gotcha. She’s opened the door.

Stern face. “It’s not happening to you, Sarah. It happened to them. Or they did it to themselves. However you want to look at it. They’re gone, and nothing will change that. But you’re still here. Which means you still have something left to do in this lifetime or you would be there with them. There’s a reason for that. Your job is to find it. Ask them to help you, talk to them and no, you won’t hear them, before you ask. But ask them even so.”

“You gotta be open to where they point you. See signs, get feelings. It takes a long time to tune yourself into those on the other side, but you can start now. Find out what you came to life for and do it. Whether that be pursue your dreams, run for governor, or open a bar. I can’t tell and that’s not what I’m here for. But find it, dearheart. Then hit it like a freight train.” Oops. Don’t notice that.

The tears stopped. A look of resignation then a frown with strength behind it. He thinks he’s won. Good. Regardless of the path I have her where she needs to be.

In a hoarse whisper, “I’m going to find the motherfucker that sold poison to the people I love.”

Shit. The worst part of these things is you don’t know whether you got it right or not and nobody tells you. Just have to go on faith here.

“That’s one way to take it I guess, but are you ready for that? You’re talking about a quest to find what I would consider dangerous people. Maybe you could point them in the right direction and let the cops do that kind of heavy lifting?”

“The cops won’t give a shit about a couple of dead, strung out kids. I’m going to find him. I don’t know what I’ll do after that, but I will find him.”

A deep sigh. Well, at least you have her thinking thoughts reserved for the living. Grandma will be pissed. I’m not sure, but I think I scored here.

As the subway stopped, he got up and turned to the door.

“You’re just going to leave? That’s it?”

“My task here is done, I think. Let it hurt. Let the tears come out. In time the pain will become lighter. Stay strong, baby girl. There are a lot of people that love you dearly, even if you can’t see them, or even knew them, in this lifetime.” And he’s gone.

 I should stop and get the mail. Be a lot of bills in there but you never know. Erin is still alive and so am I. Could be there, you never need close a book if you loved the words on the pages.

An alley. Garbage. Movement, fast movement. A whisper, hollow with an echo. Not a sound from the around him. More a thought inside his thoughts. And then, urgency. Sarah! His feet quickening to a run before he realizes he’s running. One block, two. He’d gone a mile and the sweat was beading down his face when he saw the police cars. He slows down wondering why he had been drawn here but not questioning that he was drawn. Then he knows.

There. A black Sergeant. He’s got the touch, I think. He’ll listen to me.

“Hey, uh, sir. What..”

“Dead girl. All cut up. In the alley covered with garbage. Somebody called for the screaming. Caught the motherfucker after he dumped her and started running. Her dealer I guess. Alley is too crooked and the Coroner is too fat to get in there. He’ll be askin’ for us to do his job in a minute. You the press? You all the way back here to get a story?”

“No. She called me.”

A frown. Slowly.  “Didn’t find a cel on her.”

“Sarah.” His voice starting to crack. “She called me. She wanted me to come take her out of there.”

Maybe it was the look on his face or maybe the others are whispering to this cop or maybe he just understood. The sergeant steps aside. He looks almost like he feels something.

“Go get her.” A whisper.” She’s just a little girl. Wrong for her to be one more minute in there.”

You get to meet a lot of people, doing this stuff. Some briefly and others you keep a feeling for. The feeling reaches his eyes as he lifts her. Turning sideways he shuffles out of the alley. There’s a gurney ready and nobody questions as this stranger lays her on it, moves her hair out of her eyes.

“Good bye baby girl. I’ll see you someday and maybe you can tell me what else I could have done.”

@victoria-writes-sometimes

[rallis-fatalis]

A Particular Set of Skills

Life isn't always about fighting monsters and saving the world from certain doom. Sometimes it's about doing stupid things with your friends and having fun. Rallis, Peg, and Adam take a bit of time to do just that.

It was getting late in the day, Adam, Rallis, and Peg setting up camp in the middle of a forest on their way to another easy enough job. Camp was set up quickly, just a hastily put together thing, and a small fire lighting up the night. The three sat around, bored. Rallis was playing with the fire, taking flickers from the dying blaze and playing with them in her hands, making them grow and shrink and do all sorts of tricks. Peg was watching her in subdued awe.

"How do you do that?" she broke the silence. "With the fire I mean."

"What, this?" Rallis asked as she waved the fire away and snapped more into existence.

"Yeah! And are you even using runes?"

Rallis shook her head. "Not for something as small as snapping a spark into existence. Not really needed when you're made of magic." Peg had no idea what she meant but didn't have the chance to ask as the dragon continued. "If I wanted to do anything bigger then yeah I'd need runes. Are you telling me you've never tried magic?"

Peg sullenly lowered her head. "No... Chance never really came up."

"Want me to teach you?" Rallis asked.

Peg immediately perked up. "Really? Would you?"

Rallis shrugged. "Sure, why not? Tomorrow though, not right now. How about you teach me something in return?"

Peg thought for a moment. What was she good at that she could teach Rallis? She smiled when she thought of something. "Okay, I'll take you up on that offer! Tomorrow then!"

"Don't suppose I could get in on this, can I?" Adam said.

"Sure," Rallis said. "But you've gotta teach us something too."

"I've got something in mind," he said with a smile.

"How to smoke a cigar or drink lots of booze doesn't count," Peg quipped.

"I can do more than that!" Adam exclaimed. "Ye of little faith!"

Rallis chuckled and rolled over to get comfy. "Tomorrow then. Good night guys."

They were up early the next day, sure they could spend a few hours or a day extra on the job to have some fun. Rallis tossed them both some runes. "These are the runes to cast really low level fire magic with, super basic stuff. You're not gonna try to hit anything, just focus on making a fire."

"How though?" Peg questioned, looking at the runes curiously.

Rallis tried to figure out how to explain the process. She had never really thought about it before, she just did magic. "It's kinda like thinking of what you want to do, thinking so hard it happens. Like this spell for example, you think about a small fire in your hand and it will happen. Think you want a fire, think where you want it, think how you want it to look and feel and all that, and then remember you have the runes to do it. Think about your fire and think about your runes. Combine them together and..."

In the palm of the dragon's hand was a small flame, flickering red then settling on pale blue. She waved it out of existence. "You two go ahead and try. It's mainly just a lot of thinking."

Adam and Peg stared at their runes, trying to make something happen. Peg stared, and stared, and stared, thinking of fire. She kept thinking and thinking and thinking but nothing happened. The runes just sat in her hand, inert. Peg growled in frustration. "Why is nothing happening?!"

"Don't get mad!" Rallis tried. "It can take a few tries. Not everyone can do it right away, don't worry and don't give up!" Peg still looked disheartened. "You know," Rallis started. "Magic is pretty malleable, changing with the person trying to cast it. You're quiet and try to act small and out of sight. Maybe try making a fire like you, small and focused."

Peg thought about it and tried again, focusing on the runes in her hand. She concentrated harder and harder, trying to make magic. The runes started to glow faintly before disappearing into dust, the tiniest flicker of a flame replacing them. Peg froze, not wanting to move and risk putting the fire out. "Look! Look what I did!" She showed Rallis ecstatically.

Rallis smiled as the little flame flickered out. "See? I knew you could do it!"

Peg turned to Adam who was still concentrating on his own runes. "Adam, did you see, did you see?!" Suddenly, his runes erupted in a flash of light as an explosion went off in his hands. The runes disappeared in a puff of smoke... as did part of his eyebrows. He blinked the soot out of his eyes and rubbed the black streaks off his face.

He muttered as he cleaned his face and hands off. "You know what? I think I'll stick with my lighter."

Next up was Peg. She had found two trees growing relatively close to each other and tied a rope between them, high up in the branches. "I'm going to show you how to move quickly and carefully!" she explained. "You will climb one tree, then across the rope, and finally down the other tree, and you must do it as quickly and quietly as possible."

She walked over to the first tree to demonstrate. She scaled it with ease, barely causing a stir in the branches. She disappeared among the leaves before silently hopping out and onto the rope, holding her arms out for balance. She walked across with grace and confidence before hopping into the branches of the other tree and scaling down in silence. Rallis ooh'd and aah'd over the display while Adam looked at her, impressed.

"Rallis, you go first," she said. "Try slipping through the branches instead of pushing passed them. Move with the trees not against them."

"Gotcha! I'm gonna try!" She gave Peg a grin as she started to scale the tree. She was pretty good at moving quietly between the branches after the years of sneaking through nooks and crannies in Taverley Dungeon to escape monsters and black knights.

She reached the rope and looked at it nervously. She timidly put a foot down on it and quickly pulled back, not liking how it swayed. "Spread your arms out and use your tail to balance!" Peg called up to her. "You'll be fine!"

Rallis nervously stepped onto the rope again, doing what Peg said. She walked maybe three steps before losing her footing and slipping off, grabbing the rope with her hands. Peg shirked back, overlooking the fact that they could totally fall if they weren't careful. "No walking!" Rallis snapped. "We do it like this!" Rallis swung from the rope like a monkey, easily hopping into the next tree.

Peg laughed. She supposed that was one way to cross a rope. She heard Rallis cheerfully exclaim about finding an apple in the tree, shaking the branches as she presumably picked it. "Quiet and stealthy, Rallis," Peg reminded her.

"Right! Sorry!" Rallis quietly snuck down the tree, apple in her mouth. She ate the thing in two bites, smiling at Peg. "Did I do good?"

"Yeah, that was great. Now it's Adam's turn." The girl turned to him. "Remember, sneak through the branches to stay quiet and undetected."

Adam cracked his knuckles and walked to the tree. "Piece of cake! Ive climbed a good few trees before, I'll have you know." He easily scaled the tree, hiding away in the branches as he neared the rope. He may have climbed trees before, but he had obviously not practiced being stealthy in one. The man swore as branches poked and prodded him uncomfortably. Suddenly, the branch he was standing on gave way and with a snap fell to the ground, taking him with it. Adam landed on the grass with a thud and a groan as he rolled over.

Peg and Rallis ran over. "Are you okay?" the dragon asked, helping him up.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he grumbled.

"You don't have to try again," Peg said apologetically. "No need to get hurt over this."

He took that as a challenge. "No way! I'm crossing that rope!" He scaled the tree again before anyone could stop him, continuing to bitch at the branches poking him. He made his way to the rope this time. He planted a foot down, and then the other, taking it one step at a time. Rallis watched him, impressed. He was doing pretty well. As he was halfway across, the rope snapped from the weight, dropping the man with a startled yelp. He landed on his back, rolling onto his side with a moan.

The two ran over to help him. "Oh my god, are you okay?!" Peg fretted.

Adam moaned and rolled over to glare at her. "Forget it. I'm not doing that again."

After some time to recuperate, it was Adam's turn to teach. He had set up some makeshift targets in the distance and pulled out his crossbow. "I'm gonna teach you how to shoot," he told them before turning around and shooting the three targets dead center in a matter of seconds. Rallis clapped, impressed.

"I've only got one bow, so you'll have to take turns. Peg, you first."

She walked over and took the crossbow from him, nearly dropping it. "Whoa!" she exclaimed. "That's a lot heavier than it looks!" She lugged the thing up to where she thought she was supposed to hold it and readied to fire. Adam stopped her before she could loose the bolt.

"Ah, not quite," he said. "Stand like that and the knockback will throw you off balance. Spread your legs a bit more." He gently kicked her feet into position. "Yeah, good, now pull your arms back a little more and stand a little more to the side like this. Yeah, there you go." With some small pointers, Peg looked like bonafide bowman. She loosed the bolt and it hit the first target dead center.

She bounced happily, looking at her shot. "Did you see that?!" she exclaimed. "I hit it dead center!"

Rallis clapped and Adam gave her an approving smile. "There's two more targets," he said. "Think you can do it again?"

Peg nodded determinedly. "Of course!"

With careful precision, the girl hit the second one almost dead center and the third one as perfectly as the first. She happily handed the bow back to Adam who motioned for Rallis to come over. "Your turn now."

Rallis carefully picked the crossbow up. She had only ever used one to get around Armadyl's Eyrie to say hello to her avian friends, and even then she'd given up using the crossbow and just swung the grapple around like a lunatic. She tried replicating the stance she saw Peg do but it was obviously wrong as Adam came over to help.

"Not quite," he told her. "Hold it like that and the recoil will hit you in the face. Move it to the side a bit. Now stand like this, you'll fall over otherwise. Yeah that's good. You're moving it too close to your face again. No, don't move your feet! They were just perfect!"

After much instruction and all but holding her in place, Adam managed to set Rallis in a proper stance. "Okay," he said exasperatedly. "Now don't move, just fire."

Rallis stared the target down and fired. It hit the very edge, nowhere near the center. She was also not expecting the bow to swing back that hard, force slamming right into her snout. She dropped the crossbow with a whine as she held her nose. Adam picked it up off the ground and she glared at the thing.

"Harder than it looks, huh?"

She sourly nodded, rubbing the sore spot on her snout. "I'll stick with magic and whips and swords. They don't do that."

The three ended the day around the campfire cheerfully talking about the day and other skills they were good at. With how it was going, it wasn't far fetched they would be getting into a similar predicament in the near future.

[jinjojess]

Title: Arc Fandom: New Dangan Ronpa V3 Words: 2042 Characters: Momota, HaruMaki (friendship) Summary: Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Note: Commission fic for @princeasmidiya12. Thanks so much! If you’re interested in a commission, please check out this post.

CLANG!

A metal fist easily weighing a few tons smashed into the grass, sending bits of dirt and rubble into the air in all directions.

Momota grit his teeth, wishing there had been even a single pair of sneakers in the closet of his room. Not that the slippers weren’t comfortable, but they really impeded accurate movement, a fact he had learned all too well while following Akamatsu through that dingy sewer.

God, that felt as though it had happened in another lifetime.

“Oops, missed again!” Monophanie’s tinny voice squeaked as another swipe from Exisal Pink sliced the air to Momota’s immediate left. Had it been even a few centimeters closer, it would have taken his arm right off.

Thankfully the Monokumarz’ AI was nowhere near the level of Kiibo’s–though, come to think of it, Momota had walked in on Kiibo in the canteen the day before to find him crying and frantically trying to wipe spilled oatmeal from the front of his chassis.

For not the first time, Momota reminded himself that none of the remaining survivors was really fit for this mission. Yumeno still complained that she yet to build up enough MP to be able to cast magic, Kiibo was far too mild-mannered to want to fight, Shuuichi was much better suited to taking charge in a cerebral sense, so far Shirogane hadn’t demonstrated any combat ability (it wasn’t like she could just dress the Exisal up to death or anything), and he’d die before he relied on Ouma. He’d figured Iruma might be able to help, but she’d completely snubbed him when he’d gone to the fourth floor computer room to ask about it.

Momota threw himself aside to dodge Exisal Red charging at him, feeling a coppery, acidic taste begin to build up in his throat.

There were still two people left who could and probably would make good allies in this fight, but unfortunately, he couldn’t bring himself to ask either of them.

If he’d brought Gonta on this mission, there was a chance it would end tragically. Gonta lately had been demonstrating a nigh-suicidal desire to protect the others, personal well-being be damned, and Momota just couldn’t have that. That was the entire reason he was here right now, facing down these stupid iron monkeys–he had to do this before Gonta did. Momota needed to convince him to be less reckless, and hopefully when he invited him to join the nightly training sessions this evening (after whatever it was Iruma wanted to show them), he would accept.

“Ahhhh! I’m gonna smash you like an overripe tangerine!”

Momota dropped to the ground just in time to feel the whoosh of air pass over him, followed by Monotarou cursing. The action caused a sharp pain in his gut that he knew would lead to a mouthful of blood later on. Hopefully he could hold it off until after this fight.

Anyway, Gonta was out of the question.

“I don’t understand why you’re always telling Harukawa-san not to fight,” Shuuichi’s voice said in his memory. “She’d be a great asset.”

No. No, there was no way.

For such a smart guy, Shuuichi really did have quite a ways to go in learning to read people. Momota smirked to himself, wondering yet again how this kid had managed to become a detective of all things. Surely he was well aware that the whole sidekick gig existed entirely to take the pressure off of him when it came to following in Akamatsu’s footsteps.

So why couldn’t he tell how important it was to keep HaruMaki from resorting to violence?

It wasn’t like Momota didn’t notice how she scowled and glared at him every time he told her that cute girls shouldn’t carry knives, or that women had no place in a fight, or any other comment he knew would result in a slap from his grandmother. HaruMaki was legendarily bad at reading people–all brawn and very little people skills–so it made sense that she’d take those comments at face value.

But Shuuichi? The detective who was routinely sniffing out lies at every trial? How could he possibly miss the lack of sincerity, the cheekiness behind Momota’s words? He should’ve been able to see through that ruse just as easily as Yumeno’s “magic”.

For a brief moment while jogging backwards around Exisal Pink, Momota worried that Shuuichi had become too dependant on him. Faith in your friends was important, certainly, but the lesson he was trying to instill didn’t exclude being able to read between the lines.

The whole point of encouraging HaruMaki like this was to make her see herself as more than just a killing machine. It was an attempt to give her back some of her humanity. To do that, he needed to make her feel like a woman first and an assassin…well, hopefully last, but–

“FUCK!”

White hot pain shot through his calf, sending Momota to his knees.

“Gotcha, you little dung beetle!”

Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck.

He should have known better than to try this on his own. What the hell was he thinking?

Momota bit back a scream and reached down to touch the searing pain in his leg. His fingers came away covered in blood.

Goddammit. Here he was again, neck-deep in shit. He had hoped that the Monokumarz would get tired of fighting him after a while and wander away to do whatever it was they did in between annoying them, but it seemed he wasn’t that lucky.

This was a stupid idea, he admitted, struggling to crawl toward the front door of the school.

Way to be a goddamn hypocrite, Kaito, charging into this dangerous situation without backup. This is completely different than what you wanted to keep Gonta from doing. Good fucking job.

He could hear the Monokumarz laughing behind him; the sound put his teeth on edge.

If he died here, what would happen to the others? What would happen to Shuuichi? To Gonta? To–

“HaruMaki.”

“What are you doing?”

Momota struggled to grin and give her a thumbs up. “Just a bit of extra training. It’s important to spar. You know, to keep yourself on your toes.”

Harukawa’s expression remained neutral. She looked up at the celebrating Exisal on the lawn, then back down at Momota.

Without a word she turned back toward the front door.

“Hey, where’re you going?”

“…Why does it matter to you?” Beneath the icy tone, Momota could hear a tiny tremble in her voice. “I thought cute girls shouldn’t get mixed up in fights.”

“Heh, y-yeah, I did say that, didn’t I?”

Despite making as if she were about to head back inside, Harukawa didn’t move.

She’s waiting for me to ask for help, Momota thought. He sure as shit needed it, but he couldn’t ask for her assistance anymore than he could scream for Gonta. If HaruMaki was going to be saved from herself, she needed to be kept as far away as possible from acting violent.

A fresh stab of pain radiated from his calf, and he heard the hydraulics of the Exisal shift behind him. There wasn’t time now.

What would happen to HaruMaki if he died right here? Wouldn’t that just prove that his convictions were just as naive as she believed them to be? If he weren’t around, what was stopping her from fading back into the shadows and pushing everyone else away?

“HaruMaki,” he croaked, “I think I might need your help here.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. Sometimes there’s these moments in a story where the hero has to sit a battle out, and that’s when one of his trusty sidekicks steps in to show off what they’ve learned.”

“…And what exactly have I learned?”

Classic HaruMaki. Momota’s face split into a genuine smile. “Friendship?”

Harukawa sighed before turning back around to face him.

“We need to talk after this.”

With the grace of a tiger, Harukawa sprang forward, taking off across the lawn toward the advancing Exisal. Momota saw her slip a knife out of the cuff of her sleeve, twirling it in her fingers once before strafing around both Exisal. Once behind them, she delivered a quick, sharp stab to the back of the knees, jamming one knife and then another into each of the leg joints.

Both Monokumarz wailed as their Exisal fell forward.

Harukawa jogged back up to where Momota was splayed out on the steps. She removed the ribbon from her uniform and tied it around Momota’s calf before taking one of his arms and helping him to his feet.

They had hobbled halfway to Momota’s room before either of them spoke.

“Hey, uh, HaruMaki?”

“What.”

“Thanks for that.”

“…What, no excuse about why you couldn’t just handle it yourself?”

Momota laughed. “Nah, just wanted to give props to good work when I see it.”

“Oh. Well, you’re welcome, I guess.”

They paused outside the door to Momota’s room; Harukawa let him go, so he grabbed the door frame to keep steady.

“Remind me again, why’d you become an assassin?”

A bright red flush spread across Harukawa’s cheeks.

“To keep my orphanage open,” she mumbled, looking toward the floor, “and because if I hadn’t gone, they’d have taken my best friend instead.”

Momota nodded.

Even heroes sometimes screw up, he told himself. Mistakes were part of life, and it was what you did with that information once you realized you had indeed fucked up that determined the kind of person you were. Besides, a story where the hero didn’t learn anything wasn’t a very good story.

“I’m sorry, HaruMaki,” he said softly.

Harukawa looked up, her expression surprised, but she said nothing.

“Looks like I forgot that really important point.”

Of course. Momota could see it now, the path HaruMaki could take–what she needed wasn’t to feel more like a normal woman, but like someone who had control. She had felt powerless most of her life, and violence was the only way she knew how to make a difference. It was the only oar she’d had to try and navigate the choppy rapids the universe had tossed her into; no wonder she was so stubborn in giving it up.

Rather than make her relinquish it entirely, he should’ve been finding constructive ways to channel it.

“It’s my fault,” Momota continued, “I should’ve realized that we’re similar.”

Harukawa smirked. “I don’t know about that.”

“I’m just saying I misjudged you. You’re not so much my sidekick and more like…my apprentice.”

“How is that in any way different?”

“Because,” Momota said, “it means that one day, you’ll surpass me and become the hero.”

Harukawa’s eyes narrowed, as if she were trying to physically see any evidence of Momota lying.

“You’re…you’re serious?”

“As a heart attack, HaruMaki.”

For the first time since he’d met her, the edges of Harukawa’s mouth began to quirk up.

Momota was about to laugh and compliment her smile when something hit him in the gut, knocking the wind out of him.

“Huh…?” he wheezed.

“That was for all that annoying nonsense about me being a weak girl unfit for combat.” Harukawa unfurled her fist and crossed her arms. “The next time you make a comment like that, expect another one.”

“Heh…you…got it…”

Momota offered a friendly smile, trying to ignore the metallic taste of blood on his tongue.

“Oh.” Harukawa’s smile dropped from her face. “Are you bleeding? I didn’t intend to hit you that hard.”

Momota quickly wiped the dribble from his chin with the back of his hand.

“Oh that, that’s uh…”

Should he tell her? They clearly had made a breakthrough here. He knew that any secret he shared with her would never be casually passed along.

“Nothing to worry about! I just bit the inside of my mouth while out there dancing with the Exisal.”

Harukawa lifted a single, skeptical eyebrow, but didn’t press any further.

“Right. Well, stay off your leg for now and let me or Saihara know if you need anything, got it?”

Momota answered with a thumbs up.

It’s fine, he thought, watching Harukawa descend the staircase to the first floor of the dorm. A hero doesn’t need to finish his arc all in one go.

[the-desolated-quill]

The Wedding Of River Song - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Sigh. Okay, let’s get this over with.

The Wedding Of River Song was never going to work. Let’s be honest. This entire arc this series has been handled so poorly that there’s no way Moffat could possibly have tied up all the loose ends in a satisfying way. So at the time I basically resigned myself to the fact that the Series 6 finale was probably going to be a steaming pile of shit. There was always a chance Moffat could have proved me wrong and surprised me with something truly spectacular, but deep down I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

So how was The Wedding Of River Song. Well believe it or not I was actually quite engaged for the first 10 or 15 minutes. The Doctor is zipping around the universe trying to find out why the Silence want him dead (something the series should have been focused on long before this, but better late than never I suppose). This leads to some pretty imaginative locations. I like the idea of ‘Live Chess’ and thought the crypt of the Headless Monks was very creepy (I could have done without the chattering skulls though. Bit too smirksome for my liking). Moffat even managed to wring some genuine emotion out of me in the scene where the Doctor learns about the Brigadier’s death. If you’re not familiar with the classic series, i imagine this scene must have confused you somewhat. For me it was incredibly moving. It’s very well handled, Matt Smith gives a great performance and it seems fitting that the passing of his oldest and dearest friend would be what allows the Doctor to accept his own death.

There’s just one problem with all of this though, and it’s a problem that’s been hanging over this entire series like a dark rain cloud. We know the Doctor isn’t going to die. If this truly was the show’s final ending, a lot of what happens here would have been a lot more impactful. But it isn’t. We knew at the time we were getting another series after this. We knew at the time that they were planning a 50th anniversary special. So all we’re left with is this feeling of mild curiosity as to how the Doctor is going to get out of this situation. There’s no real emotional investment or tension or anything.

But wait. It gets worse. Oh SOOOOOOOOOO much worse!

So the Doctor meets River on the shores of Lake Silencio, but wait a minute. Why does River need to be in the spacesuit? It’s fully automated. She doesn’t have any control over it. And if she’s being held in there against her will, why is she put in prison for it? She’s clearly a pawn of the Silence. Why don’t the Stormcage people go after them? Well here’s the thing, I say she has no control over the spacesuit, but then all of a sudden she does, which was really jarring. But anyway, the Doctor survives and suddenly the whole of time goes wibbly. While the whole concept of time dying is basically just the Series 5 finale all over again, the idea of history happening all at once could be interesting, but Moffat never actually does anything with it. It’s basically just a bunch of anachronisms and other random shit thrown together. Also if all of time is happening at once, how come everyone is capable of having intelligible conversations?

Let’s jump back to River for a minute. Considering Moffat’s one note obsession with her, you’d think she’d come out of this a deeper and more interesting character, but she doesn’t. River Song is not and never has been a character. She’s just a loose collection of character traits that don’t seem to marry up with each other. She’s in love with the Doctor and seems to have a warm relationship with her parents Amy and Rory, but she also frequently describes herself as a psychopath.

Do you see why this doesn’t quite work? And again, would it kill Moffat to Google what a psychopath actually is? You can’t raise one and one of their defining traits is their total lack of empathy. River Song is NOT a psychopath.

And it’s not just River. Characterisation is utterly butchered in this episode all around. Moffat is once again more concerned with tying up the loose ends to his convoluted as fuck series arc instead of actually exploring what the characters are thinking and feeling. River Song is basically little more than a plot device and I will never buy her supposed romance with the Doctor. It’s not Matt Smith or Alex Kingston’s fault. They’re doing their best, but I don’t think even Helen Mirren could salvage anything form this pile of garbage. Rory is once again shoved to the side and the way Moffat handles Amy’s character borders on tactless. A lot of people complained about how Moffat handled the whole pregnancy subplot, and I suspect he added the scene where Amy kills Madame Kovarian to address the lack of emotional followup to Let’s Kill Hitler, but it really doesn’t work. For one thing, it’s too little too late by this point, and another thing, it feels wildly out of character for Amy. Do you honestly expect me to believe that Amy would kill another human, not to save her baby, but as an act of cold blooded revenge? Fuck off Moffat! The ironic thing is I’ve never liked Amy very much, but I think even I have more respect for her character than Moffat clearly does.

The further this episode goes along, the more it falls apart and the more infuriated I became. Once again we see Moffat changing the rules like he did with the Weeping Angels in order to accommodate his crap plot. Remember when River chastised the Doctor for being a dangerous person that millions of people feared? Well now all of a sudden he’s adored by them now and they’re all desperately pleading for him not to die. Well which is it Moffat? You can’t say the Doctor is a feared monster with no justification only to then turn around and go in the complete opposite direction with equally no justification. And that’s not the only thing. River can’t control the spacesuit until all of a sudden she can. The Doctor can’t remember the Silence until all of a sudden he can. Even the series arc itself starts to mutate. Before it was ‘Silence will fall when the question is asked.’ Now it’s ‘Silence must fall when the question is answered.’ Bit of a teeny, tiny difference there, wouldn’t you say?

But if there’s one thing I really can’t stand, it’s the whole lying thing. For some reason Moffat seems to think having the Doctor and River lie constantly makes for clever twists. Well it doesn’t. It’s just cheap and lazy, and it has the consequence of breaking the audience’s faith in what’s happening on screen. See there’s a world of difference between misleading an audience and blatantly lying to them. Were you touched by River’s shock at the Doctor’s death in The Impossible Astronaut? Psyche! She was lying all the time! Were you moved by the Doctor coming to terms with his own mortality? Ha! Gotcha! He had a plan all along and was lying the whole time! It just rips the emotion out of the whole thing and I won’t be inclined to believe anything the characters say or feel ever again. And some lies don’t even make sense. When the Doctor ‘marries’ River, he whispers in her ear about the Tesselecta disguise and then blurts out to Amy and Rory that he told her his real name. But... why would the Doctor need to lie about that? Why not just tell them the plan? It’s not as if they’re going to tell anyone else.

And then we come to the stupid as fuck resolution. The Doctor uses the Tesselecta to fake his death. But wait. What about the fixed point in time? They were quite clear about that. The Doctor needs to die. He’s not dead, so shouldn’t time still be all wibbly? And then he makes the idiotic suggestion that he now needs to step back into the shadows. Easier said than done mate. How do you intend to do that? Presumably you’re still going to be travelling through time and space and fighting aliens. Don’t you think the Silence might catch on to that, you fucking moron?

And the series arc still isn’t finished yet. We’ve still got the Fields of Trenzalore and the Question to deal with, and do you know what? I couldn’t be any less interested. I mean just look at how this arc was handled. Not only is it poorly written and ill conceived, the answers we get to some of the questions we’ve been asking are all so painfully obvious. Who is River to the Doctor? His wife. What crime did she commit? She killed the Doctor. And what’s the First Question hidden in plain sight that must never be answered? Say it with me now, altogether:

Considering all this River Song bullshit started way back in 2008 with the Silence In the Library two parter, was it really worth waiting three years for such an utterly underwhelming conclusion?

You know this actually reminds me of another show Moffat writes for...

What’s that Moffat fans? You thought I was going to let your precious Sherlock off the hook, did you? Guess again my little possums :D

Sherlock is in my opinion the second worst thing Moffat has ever written (the first being Jekyll). It’s an overly produced, convoluted and utterly pretentious pile of rubbish that only bears a passing resemblance to the source material. For seven years people had deluded themselves into think this worthless excuse for a TV show is actually clever and it comes as a blessed relief to see people finally stop drinking the Kool-Aid and realise what a load of utter bollocks Sherlock really is. Fan reception for Series 4 has been pretty negative and some are utterly confused as to how this could have happened. How could such a once great show fall so far? I have an answer for you. The show was never good to begin with. Series 1, 2 and 3 were just as bad as Series 4. The only thing that’s changed is people’s perception of the show. Fans finally started to realise that all these plots and arcs and questions weren’t going to have any satisfying payoff. Series 4 doesn’t represent the slow deterioration of a once great show. It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s a point where Moffat’s bullshit became so blatant and so insulting that not even the diehard fans could possibly justify it. 

The reason I mention Sherlock is because I feel it’s the best example of Moffat’s incredibly flawed approach to storytelling. His whole schtick is teasing bigger mysteries and more interesting stories to come as opposed to, you know, telling interesting stories. With Sherlock, the focus was on prolonging the ridiculous conflict between Sherlock and Moriarty, to the point where character arcs and smaller stories fell to the wayside. The same is true with his series arcs in Doctor Who. Moffat’s first series is about someone blowing up the TARDIS. Then we come to the Doctor dying, at which point the whole mystery of the exploding TARDIS just gets silently dropped. We get a lot of information about River Song’s involvement, but we don’t have time to properly get to know her character outside of all of this because by that point Moffat is teasing the much bigger mystery of Trenzalore, and so on. Arcs are left incomplete and characters left underdeveloped because Moffat is more concerned with teasing bigger and better stories rather than focusing on the story he’s currently telling. And he tries to keep you invested by saying that all the stuff that doesn’t make sense and have been left unresolved might be explained later on. He maintains the illusion that there’s an interesting story just on the horizon, but the fact is you’ll never get to see it because it simply doesn’t exist.

Now don’t me wrong. If you still like Sherlock, that’s your prerogative. I’m not trying to make fun of you. I certainly wouldn’t dream of taking the piss out of the people who came up with the bizarre theory based on wild conjecture and misinterpretation of evidence that there was going to be a secret good fourth Sherlock episode that would solve all the problems of Series 4. They’re not idiots for thinking that. They’re just the ones that bought into Moffat’s bullshit hook, line and sinker. They honestly thought there was an episode coming that would fix everything and explain all the inconsistencies because that’s what Moffat has led them to believe. It’s a deceptive and fraudulent trick I picked up on a long time ago and it makes it hard for me to enjoy Moffat’s so called ‘good’ stories like The Empty Child and The Girl In the Fireplace because once you notice all his tricks and gimmicks, that’s ALL you notice.

Since I started reviewing the Moffat era, I’ve had a few people sending me messages about what an idiot I am and what an undisputed genius Moffat is. I can honestly understand people’s frustration when a smartarse blogger like myself comes along and starts ripping one of their favourite writers to shreds, but with respect, you’re really just deluding yourselves. I’m sorry to have to break this to you, but a writer that relies on blatantly lying to the audience, changing his own established rules and contorting his characters and plots into unnatural shapes to makes his stories work, whilst continuously making false promises that a future episode will one day make sense of all of this convoluted chaos, at the end of the day is just a bad writer.

When I think of Doctor Who Series 6, all I can think of is wasted potential. The Doctor dying, the Silence, and even River Song could have been something really interesting. And while there were some bright spots along the way (The Doctor’s Wife and The Girl Who Waited), Series 6 was ultimately a lacklustre experience, and The Wedding Of River Song just wasn’t a satisfying conclusion no matter how you try and spin it.

[frasier-crane-style]

Wonder Woman (2017)

Overall, I'd say it's a B, but a B from a student who was getting all Fs before whose parents love him and want to see him do well, while Marvel is a straight-A student who occasionally slips and gets a B. Not that we have to compare them, but that's the comparison. I'm guessing a lot of this is going to look bad in hindsight when the hyperbole dies down and only the fundamentally solid stuff is left.

Bad

Once more, we get a ‘Greek mythology’ movie that is just Christian cosplay, like one of those Buzzfeed pieces about Disney princesses as bacteria. Zeus is God, Ares is Lucifer, and Diana is Jesus. Boring, lazy, stupid. By the end of the movie, all of the gods are dead, making you wonder what the point of bringing in Greek mythology even was. What’s Greek myth without Hermes, or Hera, or Mount Olympus at all? This is a Wonder Woman who can’t even say Great Hera, because if she worshiped anyone, it’d be Zeus. They don’t even have any mythological beasts show up.

Good

Gal Gadot is actually quite good at this after being largely unremarkable in Batman Vs. Superman, but I feel like the “she’s Christopher Reeve as Superman all over again!” people are either fooling themselves or grading on one hell of a curve. She’s still pretty scrawny—the producers talking about how they hired female commandos and bikers and pro wrestlers and such to play the Amazons is hilarious when you consider they all disappear from the movie thirty minutes in and it’s all a skinny little supermodel with perfect cheekbones from there—and that keeps her from being 100%. I think a Christopher Reeve Superman situation is one where you can’t picture anyone else in the part, and I think someone like Lynn Collins or Bridget Regan could’ve done as good if not better. But, why quibble?

Bad

They wait way too long to reveal Ares and spend way too long on a guy who’s only a red herring, complete with his Bane drugs that just allow him to put up a fight with Wondy for two minutes. Then she kills him, again, in two minutes, and gets into a much bigger fight with the real Ares a second later. Wouldn’t it have worked just as well if she threw a punch and just smeared General Cat Scare against the wall? Anyway, by the end, Ares has like five minutes to stump ‘humans suck, you’re the Godkiller, I’m your brother, let’s work together, oh hey your boyfriend died, he was weak and pathetic, or, I mean, he abandoned you, I mean, aren’t you mad at this woman who was sorta responsible for killing him? Kill her and join me, because I want to marry you or rule at your side or something. I know you just killed like fifty Germans, but dropping a tank on this one non-teenager will decide your fate! Also, she’s so comically evil that she gets turned on talking about death, but she’s also, you know, a person too!”

Good

The No Man’s Land sequence.

Bad

Typical Amazon pacifism in this. “We must never raise our hands in anger. Oh, shit, who are those people? KILL THEM ALL! KILL THAT GUY WHO MIGHT BE ONE OF THEM! IS HE NOT ONE OF THEM? KILL HIM ANYWAY!”

Good

Even if the actual backstory was balls, I liked the Bottulucci painting vibe they give the Amazons’ origin. It seems that’s de rigeur for every one of these epic summer blockbusters now, but it was done well here.

Bad

“Hey, we’re the Amazons. When bad guys attack and we have the high ground and are armed with ranged weapons, we love to rappel down and run up to them with our bows and arrows so that we can shoot them really close. No way that could backfire on us! Warrior race, baby!”

(I’m surprised that when she got to the WW1 trenches, Diana didn’t need to have the concept of ‘cover’ explained to her.)

Good

The chemistry between Diana and Steve is great, even if they literally write him as standing naked in front of her bragging about his junk one moment, then refusing to sleep next to her because they’re not married the next.

Bad

I get fish out of water, but Diana doesn’t understand the concept of the chain of command? Amazon society has a queen, senators, and an army, but no one gives orders? There aren’t discussions that members of the public aren’t privy to? There isn’t even the idea of lowering your voice in a public place so you can have a private conversation about a sensitive subject?

I get what they’re going for, but the whole “FEMINISM!” thing falls flat when it’s not like any ol’ GUY off the street can be let into a top-level war council either, right? With no security clearance? If he can, man, were those German spies who went after Steve wasting their time. You could’ve just walked into Allied High Command and started shooting, or found out what they were planning. And no one would have a problem with it because you’re not a woman.

Good/Bad

The costume is colorful enough, faithful, and aesthetically pleasing, but damn is that skirt short. I mean, it’s not even a miniskirt. I know, I know, I’m a sexist pig, but it’s a bit hard to take Diana’s angst over war crimes seriously when she’s wearing something with the coverage of a WWE championship belt. At least Supergirl’s skirt is within a day’s walk of her knees. Diana’s just a walking upskirt shot.

Bad

C’mon, they changed the whole setting to WW1 to avoid Captain America comparisons, then they do away with the male lead in the exact same way? That’s just lazy. And as I pointed out, the ‘it’s on a timer!’ thing was stupid.

Good/Bad

They give Diana and Steve a colorful band of multiethnic sidekicks (who are… soldiers? Smugglers? Spies? Unclear. Steve has to bribe them, but they also take orders for him, or… something? Anyway, they’re some of those mercenary types who are only mercenaries to be won over by the hero and do the right thing). That made sense in Captain America, since Cap is just an Olympic athlete, but with Wondy supposed to be Superman-level powerful, it comes off a little yeah, okay. Like when they make themselves useful by giving her a ‘boast’ to get a sniper in a clock tower. Yeah, she can jump 100 feet into the air, but not 106 feet. Gotcha.

At least they keep it down to the reasonable number of three people and give all of them an introduction and a bit of personality instead of “This is Katana! Her sword steals souls!” If you’re told me that one of the Howling Commandoes in First Avenger was, say, Kevin Sorbo, I’d buy it. He could’ve been in there, who knows?

Bad

Diana’s catchphrase here is “It's not about deserve. It's about what you believe,” which is basically her saying “humanity doesn’t deserve my help, because I’m so awesome, but I’m going to help them anyway.” Which, again, basically her being Jesus, only she’s actually a woman in a very short skirt who’s good at punching. If it’s weird to make Superman into the Christ, it’s even weirder to do it with Diana. And a bit of a snobbish thing to say. Can you imagine Batman going “these Gothamites don’t deserve my help, but I’m a really cool guy, so…”?

Bad

“Where I’m from, generals fight alongside their troops!” Really? And how’d that work out? Seems like Themyscira would've been kinda screwed if they needed to come up with a battle plan and their top woman had just bled out on a beach. Obviously, you can criticize the callousness of WW1 military leadership, but not by comparing it to a made-up fantasy culture. Yeah, and did you know that in Ponyland, Princess Sparkles doesn’t ever drop bombs on people?

Bad

The movie has Diana sorta slowly working out her abilities throughout the first act instead of just knowing them by the time she reaches present-day. Well, I guess she’s in her twenties or so, so it’s going to take her a little while yet to figure out how to jump long distances and climb up walls—what? She’s actually the daughter of Zeus and thousands of years old?  Talk about your slow learners.

Bad

Diana: I see now! The true superpower is… LOVE.

Diana: *blows the shit out of Ares… but lovingly, I guess*

Yeah, it’s kinda crazy that this film’s multimillion dollar treatment of Diana defeating Ares isn’t as clever or thoughtful as what George Perez came up with some forty years ago, with Diana forcing Ares to see that if he keeps pushing humanity into wars, it’ll end with a nuclear holocaust that’ll leave nothing for him to rule over.

Here, though, Ares isn’t empowered by worship, so why should he care? And/but he’s pushing for an armistice to keep the war at a slow boil already (until WW2), only he’s also helping the General start the war up again full blast. It really shows what a house of cards the plot is and how Ares’s characterization, plan, and motivation don’t actually make sense. Just tell me this… if Diana had never showed up, how would his plan have played out? He gets the WW2 armistice, but also the Germans conquering everything through the super-mustard gas? Which is it? What does he even want?

Baddest

This is absolutely a movie in 2017 where someone sees someone else about to be shot and dives in front of them while screaming NOOOOOO! And then the other person sees them get hit and screams NOOOOOOOOOO!

[shalandrassil]

Ceraxas’ Capture

{ I love Ceraxas’ name so OF COURSE I would have Saliandis name his new dog after her. }

Continuation of this.

Saliandis had a brief notion of what he could put this vial to use for. He had a suspicion he knew what the eredar had been talking about.

The wolves out Draenor and by extension Outland were rather robust in nature, and as such, could take a great many things in stride. He’d seen void-corrupted wolves, and he’d begun to see fel corrupted wolves crop up around the area. She wanted him to save one.

He knew which one he was going to save. Celendis had a litter mate. They had been pair bonded, him and his sister. She was stolen by a few Thunderlord orcs days before Saliandis was allowed to pick a Frost Wolf pup to raise, much to his joy and honor. The wolves were beautiful, after all. He just couldn’t believe the Thunderlord clan had taken those babies, and turned them over to the orcs in Tanaan that had once again begun to work with the Legion, and the Sargerai.

Celendis had given up when he had decided to adopt him, and raise him. He’d had great faith in the little pup, and he had delivered.

Saliandis embraced his companion. “Show me where.” He muttered into his dog’s soft fur.

The beast led him to a thicket, the trees cracked and mistreated by the fel. They were dying, and burnt, the very ground beneath his feet was cracked and muddled. 

“Celendis, go back. I can go on from here.” He said to his wolf. The dog whimpered at the command, but did as he was told. 

Saliandis was a big boy. No wounds could take that from him. He could take these in stride, for they would eventually fade, like the red dye in his hair. Or his looks, or perhaps even his ability. Perhaps he should stop dwelling on such morbid thoughts.

So he made his way through the thicket, occasionally resting, placing more of his weight onto his uninjured foot. He let out a sigh, resting against a tree trunk for a moment, and that was when he saw it, in a giant clearing.

Felbound wolves.

He recognized that glint in her eyes. That spark of intelligence, so similar to Celendis. And she could recognize him, the smell of her litter mate was all over him. The wolf raised her hackles and growled at him, so he stood back.

“I get it, I gotcha, I’ll stay back baby.” He cooed, pulling the vial of cleansing out of his pocket, slowly.

One shot. You have one shot at this, bastard son. Don’t waste it.

He uncorked the bottle. This was a stupid decision, this was impractical. He shrugs off his bow, his shoulder guards. He stalks forward, slowly, low to the ground to imply he was no threat. 

“It’s alright, girl.” He cooed softly, “I won’t hurt you--”

But she did not believe him.

With a pounce, she was upon him, but he was stronger, just barely. He held back her gnashing teeth, she was standing on his ribs, he could cry if he wasn’t so distracted. The vial was in his hands, he didn’t know if she needed to ingest it, or just come into contact with it.

Some was on his fingers, some was spilling onto her fur. It was already in her mouth, on her fur, her skin. Suddenly she stopped fighting. Her hot breath was on his face, her mouth opened.

And a tongue slid out. She lapped at him gently, as if he were breakable. Now, he believed, he could cry.

He was gasping for breath, from exertion and pain alike, she was still on his chest. His ribs ached, but he scratched behind her ears.

“Oh jeez.” He groaned, as she finally got off of him, rounding his body to nose him around, trying now to herd him in her more docile state. “I.. I think I’m gonna call you Ceraxas.” 

It was off the cuff, he’d heard an eredar mumble it to his comrade once. She seemed to like the name though, and kept nosing at him, nosing at his bow, his shoulders. Anything to make him get up.

“You wanna see you brother?” He asked, picking up everything he’d dropped, “He’d love to see you.” She perked up immediately at the mention of her litter mate. “Well, come on girl.”

And off they went.

[lynfraser09]

The Pains of Joy  ~ A Doctor/Rose Fic

Title: The Pains of Joy

Rating: T

Word Count: 3,541

Pairings/Characters: Ninth Doctor/Rose Tyler

Summary: Rose is poisoned by an alien plant, the Doctor rushes to save her life. 

Notes: This is a prompt fill for the ‘Hurt/Comfort’ prompt by @doctorroseprompts​. 

Read on A03

“One rule. I have one rule and I don't really believe it's that hard to follow. But do you follow it? Oh no, the second you step out of the TARDIS you have to go wandering off. You stupid apes and your curiosity and lack of patience. Can't do a thing you’re told. You lot are more trouble than you're worth most of the time.”

“I can hear you you know.”

The Doctor glanced down to the human in his arms. Her body was practically limp, her head curled against his chest. Her brown eyes peered weakly up at him through small slits.

He huffed. “Well good. You need a good scolding. Maybe that will teach you not to go wandering off on your own on a strange planet.”

Her eyes finally closed, unable to keep them open any longer and she curled further into his chest. “ ‘M Sorry..” She mumbled. “Jus’ looked so nice.”

“Dangerous things often do.” He snipped. “I told you, didn't I? I told you before we left the TARDIS that most of the vegetation on this planet was poisonous to humans. And you, Rose Tyler, just had to go swanning off into the midst of it all.”

A shiver rippled across her body and she let out a quiet moan.

His hearts clenched in concern, his eyes focusing on her red tipped fingers where she had touched one of the admittedly beautiful but definitely dangerous flowering plants he had warned her about.

He knew Rose was not stupid and would not touch anything he told her not to, she had been with him long enough to know better. Which meant, of course, that she just had not been listening to him.

His anger stemmed from that but more so from the deep rooted concern pooling in his gut. He gave his speeches, his warnings for her safety alone. The universe was a large, mysterious, dangerous place and Rose was a young, vulnerable human. She was curious and adventurous and brave - all qualities he admired in her but they were also qualities that got her into trouble when she didn't follow his instructions.

“You can fix it, yeah?”

Her voice was so low and weak that he almost missed it.

Another look at her face just heightened his ever growing concern. She was barely awake and he knew it would only be a matter of time before she completely lost consciousness.

“I can.” He confirmed, softening his voice, allowing his concern to make itself known. “But only in the TARDIS.”

He was kicking himself for not taking any sort of first aid with him. The poison was common with a very common antidote he had stored in the TARDIS med bay. He should have predicted that Rose would end up in trouble. He could have easily stored the antidote in his transdimensional pockets.

He had started to give her a brief tour of the planet and for a while thought she was right behind him. Then when he realized she had been strangely silent he turned around to find her nowhere in sight.

His frustration and annoyance grew as he searched the brush for his wayward  companion.

He eventually found her sitting on the ground, staring dazed at her red hands with the dreaded plant in question hanging almost mockingly beside her.

They had both wandered a good distance from the TARDIS and in his hastening to find his lost companion, he couldn't even remember where exactly he had parked her.

Yes, he could fix Rose but only if he could find the TARDIS and so far, he wasn't having much luck.

Rose had now fallen completely silent and deathly still. The only evidence of her life was the slow rise and fall of her chest he could feel against him.

He knew the poison was slowly making its way through her body and it wouldn't be long before it reached the next phase.

Finally, finally, he could see the bright blue of his beloved ship parked on the hill in the distance.

He picked up his pace as best he could with the dead weight of Rose in his arms.

Nearly halfway there, her body suddenly lurched, her back arching upwards and he tightened his grip so he wouldn’t drop her.

Then seconds later a grin split across her lips and she let out a string of helpless giggles.

Any other time the sight would have been amusing but the Doctor’s concern only grew.

To the planet’s natives, the plant acted as a hallucinative agent. It provided them with a blissful high, giving way to that same reaction: Unbridled joy and laughter.

For a human it worked similarly, however, the effects were too much for a human body to handle.

The Doctor knew the toxin had now reached her brain and if he didn't get to the TARDIS quickly, the chemicals being released into her body would overload her entire system.

Every peep of laughter from her lips, a sound that usually only filled him with joy, now filled him with dread.

His faithful time ship must have sensed his distress because by the time he reached the TARDIS the doors were already unlocked.

He kicked the door open and maneuvered his way in, struggling somewhat against the giggling, wiggling Rose in his arms.

Her cheeks were now burning pink, though whether that was from the incessant laughter or the excess chemicals leaking into her body he didn't know.

Nor did he want to waste anymore time thinking about it.

He quickly walked through the console room, thanking the TARDIS as he found the med bay had been moved closer.

He hustled them over to the nearest bed and placed a still wiggling Rose onto it.

As he released her and went to pull away, she suddenly reached out and grabbed his face between his hands, bringing him down so their faces were only inches apart.

His wide startled eyes locked on hers.

Her lips were curled into a wide smile, giggles still escaping her throat, her cheeks were only getting more red and were now stained with tears that leaked helplessly from her red-rimmed eyes.

She bit down on her lip, trying to control her laughter.

“You know what, Doctor…” She brushed her fingers against his cheeks and another round of giggles interrupted her before she managed to speak again, “...You've got really nice eyes.”

He huffed, lightly grabbing a hold of her wrists. “Well that's nice, Rose but would you please let go of my face?”

Rose continues to giggle. “They're so blue…”

“Rose…” He gently removed her hands from his cheeks and her fingers wiggled, immediately reaching back towards him but then she burst out into a hearty laughter, throwing her head back.

Her hands then fell to her stomach, her volume only growing.

The Doctor swore under his breath and hastened across the room frantically searching through all the drawers and cabinets to locate the correct antidote.

“Gotcha.” He nearly growled as he found a small vial full of a blueish green liquid.

He grabbed a syringe and clean needle and brought it back over to the Rose.

She was now doubled over herself, curled up on the bed, her chin tucked into her chest, her laughter muffled by her shirt.

“Rose, I'm gonna need your arm.” He told her as calmly as he could, already trying to peel one arm from where it was wrapped  tight around her abdomen.

“My arm?” She bit out between peels of laughter. “You've got your own!”

He frowned at her and wondered how he was going to manage this. Hitting a human vein was hard enough when they were still, none the less when they were moving . And it wasn't like she could calm herself either.

“Rose…” He placed one hand over hers where they joined together at the center of her abdomen. “I know it's hard but I need you to calm down…”

Rose snickered, biting down on her lip as looked down at his hand. “You've got big hands Doctor…” Her head lifted and she spluttered out a few more laughs. “Does it mean the same thing for Time Lords as it does for humans?”

He resisted a sigh and clenched  his jaw. It was like dealing with a child.

He struggled with her laughing form for a few more agonizing seconds and then finally managed to free her arm and pin it to the bed.

He tried to tune out every distraction- including Rose’s constant laughter and his own pounding hearts.

He quickly drew the appropriate dosage into the syringe and then moved to inject it.

He kept one hand against her wrist to hold it still, while he concentrated the other towards the vein in the middle of her arm.

He clenched his teeth, grunting in frustration as with each peal of hysterical laughter, Rose’s whole body shook and he could not even get near the skin.

“I will have to have words with whoever made this bloody thing intravenous.” He growled under his breath.

Rose suddenly let out a large bark of laughter, her whole body arching upwards and then she collapsed back onto the bed, completely still.

The Doctor only allowed a split second of relief that she was calm enough to inject the antidote before deep dread passed over him at the fact that she now needed it more than ever.

Without any more hesitation he quickly searched for her vein and then inserted the needle and injected the antidote.

He made sure every last drop left the syringe before tossing it to the side table. He grabbed a small gauze pad and placed it over her arm to stop any bleeding and then looked over at her for any indication that it was working.

Rose was still as stone and after a few more seconds he moved his other hand to search for a pulse on her neck.

He let out a small sigh of relief upon feeling the gentle, normal thrum of her pulse against his fingers.

He then removed that hand and used the back of his hand to lightly brush the tear tracks off her left cheek and then brushed a strand of hair away from her face.

After another few seconds the color in her cheeks slowly returned to normal and her previously tensed body had now relaxed.

“Don't know what I'm gonna do with you, Rose Tyler.” He told her, now satisfied that the antidote had started to work. “It's not really possible for a Time Lord to have a heart attack, given that we have two of them but you may be the cause of my very first, you know.”

He spoke easily to her unconscious form. These were words he dare not spoke aloud when she could hear them.

Rose Tyler gave him very human emotions most of the time and he wasn't afraid to let her know he cared - he just preferred not to show how much he cared. Sometimes it was even hard for him to.believe how quickly this human had wormed her way into his hearts.

He sat observing her for another minute or two, just to make sure she was properly recovering from the attack and then he started cleaning up.

It was another couple of hours before Rose started to stir.

She let out a small groan as she started to blink awake.

She flinched against the bright light and her arms wound gently around her middle.

“Doc…” Her voice was hoarse and she quickly cut herself off as a few coughs passed her lips and then she winced and groaned again. “Doctor?”

“Here, Rose.”

She turned her head and found the Doctor sitting by her bedside, a glass with a straw in his hands.

“Drink this, it will make you feel better.”

She groaned and winced as she slowly pushed herself up. She eyed the glass curiously as he extended it towards her. “What is it?” She raised, taking it from him.

He smirked.. “It's just water, Rose.”

“Oh.” She whispered and then took a few sips from.the straw. Immediately she let out a small sigh of relief, her eyes closing as the soothing water slipped down her throat.

“What happened?” She asked after nearly drinking the whole glass and turned back to face the Doctor inquisitively. “Why does my throat feel so scratchy and why does it feel like I got a killer workout for my abs.”

He raised his brow. “You don't remember?”

She furrowed her brow, pausing to think and then shook her head. “Not really...I mean we were on that planet. The one that looked like a giant greenhouse and I...,”

“Yes? You what, Rose?”

She paused to swallow thickly. “I dunno.” She muttered.

He pressed his lips together and leaned forward towards her. “I'll tell you what you did. You wandered off...again after I told you not to...again.”

Roses eyes widened for a second and then she bit her lip, trying to hide a sheepish smile.

“And then, you went and touched the very thing I told you not to touch.”

“Very Adam and Eve.”

“Indeed. The forbidden fruit in this case was a plant the locals like to call Joy - because it brings them.just that. Almost euphoric bliss.”

“Sounds lovely.”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “Oh it's fantastic...to them. To fragile little.humans though it's deadly.”

Roses face quickly sobered and she visibly tensed. “Deadly?”

“Yes, Rose, deadly.” His voice was calm and cool but there was a certain ice in his blue eyes that shook Rose to the core. She knew the Doctor was serious when he looked at her like that.

“But...I'm gonna be alright, yeah?”

He sighed. “Yes. Very luckily I was able to get you back to the TARDIS where I just so happened to have the antidote but not.before you nearly laughed yourself to death. Literally.”

She relaxed in relief and then her eyes widened in realization. “That's why my sides hurt. From laughing?”

The Doctor nodded solemnly.

“Well that would have been a hell of a way to go.” She whispered with a small laugh, her lips twitching up at the corners.

“Well I'm glad you find amusement in it. It wasn't very funny knowing your brain could explode at any minute.” He said tensely

Her brow lifted incredulously. “My brain was gonna explode?”

He rolled his eyes. “Well not literally no but the plant toxin would have triggered your brain to release a very large amount of endorphins. It would have flooded your system and overloaded you until you just completely shut down.”

“Oh.” She whispered, quickly sobering. She bit her lip, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry…”

He took in the sight of her, wide brown eyes filled with true regret, pale cheeks with just a hint of color and then sighed.

He visibly released the tension from.his shoulders and reached out to take.her hand. “It's alright.” He said and his lips turned up in a small smile. “I'm just glad to have you back.”

A smile lit up her face and a flood of warmth filled his belly at the sight.

She squeezed his hand and they locked eyes for a few moments.

Then the Doctor cleared his throat, released her hand and say back. “Now,” He said seriously, throwing her a pointed look, “How about next time you listen to what I tell you about alien planets, eh? I'm sort of an expert on the subject.”

Rose nodded. “Yeah, ‘course I will.” Her eyes twinkled with a hint of mischief and he narrowed his eyes at her.

“I will! Really, I promise...at least you know about the important things.”

He straightened up, looking affronted. “Everything I say is important.”

She light rolled her eyes. “But not everything is interesting..”

He gaped at her. “Rose Tyler, you take that back.”

She grinned. “Doctor, most of what you say is interesting. You know I love learning about the universe and planets and things but some stuff just goes right over my head. Silly little human remember?”

“Hm.” He huffed. “Yes but I don't think “toxic plant - do not touch” falls in that category.”

Rose smiled sheepishly, lifting her shoulders. “Alright I got a bit distracted, it was just beautiful and I thought you'd just be going on and on about the history.”

His brow furrowed. “History is interesting!”

“I know and I did listen...at first. I remember the planet’s name is Turalsa which translates to Harmony in English and that it's so full of luscious plantlife because the natives care about sustaining their natural environment and it has been flourishing for five thousand years.”

She smiled at the surprised look on the Doctor’s face.

“Yeah, that’s right, I did listen, I told you it’s just...then you just kept on going and going and I got a little bit distracted by everything. The sights and smells...it was so lovely there. I shouldn’t have wandered off though and I really should have known better than to touch anything.”

“Yes you should have.” He agreed seriously and then they shared a smile.

“I can’t promise that I won’t wander off again.” She admitted and he let out a small sigh of frustration though he knew the truth of it. “But I will listen to what you say about life on other planets and its dangers. Believe me, I want to see the universe not die before I get the chance to.”

His eyes darkened for a moment, his chest clenching at the dreaded thought. Every adventure he took her on put her in enough danger to potentially kill her.

“You better. My job is to show you the universe not be your caretaker.”

She raised her brow, biting her lip. “Your job? And isn’t your name the Doctor? Isn’t that by very definition a care taker?”

“Yes and I do take care - of the universe. I save planets and species and help them when they need help. It does not refer to saving one particular human over and over again when she decides she wants to get herself into trouble.” He raised his brow pointedly and she grinned, unabashed.

“Yet here you are, saving me again.”

“Well I very well can’t have you dying, can I?” He retorted, a little sharply and she only continued to grin at him. He crossed his arms sitting back in his chair and shook his head. “I, for one, am not going to be the one to tell your Mum that you got yourself killed by a plant of all things.”

Rose’s eyes widened for a moment at the mention of her mother and then she stifled a giggle. “Oh, she’d kill you…”

“Or worse.”

Rose let out a laugh and then almost immediately groaned, her face twisting up in pain as her arms once again wrapped around her middle.

“I did not realize that laughing could actually hurt this much.”

The Doctor frowned as he uncrossed his arms and leaned forward toward her. “You were doing quite a bit of heavy laughing for a good few minutes.”

She flinched again as she rubbed her hands over her sore abdomen.

“Now, I know you don’t like to stay put…” He gave her a pointed look and she looked up at him with  small smirk. “...but you are going to have to rest for a bit. Your body needs time to heal and though the antidote did negate the toxin’s effects on you, your body still needs to flush it all out as well as the excess hormones that your brain already released due to the toxin. It will probably be another 12 hours or so before your body returns to normal. You don’t have to stay in here, I have already stabilized you and you are not in any need of careful medical watch so if you’d like you can go to your room or perhaps we can set you up in the library….Rose?” ‘

He paused, noticing Rose staring off past his head with a blank expression. She slowly turned her head to look at him and blinked slowly. “Sorry, what?”

He narrowed his eyes slightly. “Were you listening to me at all?”

She continued to stare at him blankly, just blinking quietly for a few long moments. Then a smile slowly pulled across her lips and she let out a small laugh. “I’m just teasing.” Her tongue poked out between her teeth. “ ‘ Course I was listening. The library sounds wonderful...with some tea, yeah?” ‘

The Doctor let out a small groan, closing his eyes for a moment and shook his head.

He reopened his eyes a moment later to find her still smiling at him, a twinkle in her eyes and he shook his head again, returning a small smile of his own.

“Alright - with tea and I suppose you want biscuits as well?”

“That’d be great thanks.” She grinned and he resisted a small eye roll.

Yes, most of the time humans he found humans to be more trouble than they were worth.

[dmydfilmreviews]

DIRTY GRANDPAAA?

Here’s an entirely unedited review by somebody else of the BEST FILM ON NETFLIZZZZZ RIGHT NOW

DUTTY

A review of that film with that bad grandpa called Bad Grandpa but wait, haven't we already watched Bad Grandpa with the Jackass man being an old bad grandpa? WHY ARE BOTH THESE FILMS CALLED BAD GRANDPA WHICH ONE AM I REVIEWING WHICH ONE DID WE WHY ARE THEY-

Answer: they're not.

THIS one was Dirty Grandpa. The one with Bobby De Dirty Niro.

Apparently, I liked a lot of things about this film. Here's a Disaronno-sticky list of crap I thought was worth remembering that I found down the sofa.

•    Foul cousin Nick

•    Dog cum

•    Make Zac Effron marry his Grandpa

•    Her car sucks hahaha

•    No.3 – Always Butt Fucking

•    Aubrey Plaza WILL fuck him. She will.

•    DIRTY

•    “I want to FUCK a horse and DRINK IT'S BLOOD.” - Robert De Niro.

•    Altzeimers

•    Is Robert De Niro going to fuck Zac Effron?

•    “IT'S FLORIDA, THESE PEOPLE DON'T MATTER.”

•    This is what happens when you get emotional drunk, PROPER emotional drunk. You just want to ruin everything. (dear god.)

•    Different worlds of ass holes

•    “I JUST SMOKED CRACK. USA! USA! USA!”

•    The lawyer/jail bit is boring. ...NO IT ISN'T.

•    “Who's the lesbian? Is she here to scissor with me?” - Danny Glover is a war hero named 'Stinky' and this is pretty much all he says.

•    Dirty Danny

•    “WE GOT FAT GOOSE.”

•    “Nice dick. Ya gotcha grandpa's dick.”

•    BARE. DICK.

•    Insane fuck rampage

•    Early questionable stuff is okay because Robert De Niro is a SAINT

•    Zac Effron should be Jared Leto's little brother in some fucking awful movie

•    Andre the Giant finger fucking.

•    “Are you coming or dying?”

What do you feel like doing after a bereavement? Crying a lot probably. Wallowing, reminiscing, filling the endless void inside you with all the tiny tasty canapés your mum ordered way too many of for the after-funeral gathering. Maybe you drink heavily, maybe you lock yourself away from everyone.

Maybe you get a new lease of life, an urge to 'seize the day' and go do all the things you think your dead loved one would want you to get on doing now they're gone.

In this stupid-ass film, dirty old Grandpa De Niro's wife dies and he tells his grandson he wants to fuck a horse and drink it's blood. After losing the woman he loved, he feels like being entirely disgraceful and chaotic and not very politically correct and loud and old and rampant. Any of those words should be put on the posters as a one word review. And let's all be honest for a moment, who hasn't felt like doing all that when life has kicked you in the tits?

It turns out all this crazy old man behaviour is everything that goody-engaged-two-shoes guy from High School Musical who got all growed up and hot is trying not to be. Because he's all engaged and shit and that always ALWAYS makes you boring in films. Always. But he's forced to help out his poor ol' grandpa so obviously, hilarity ensues. What a clash of personalities AMMIRIGHT?

They have to go on a road trip. I don't remember or care why. But somewhere along the way to Zac Effron's snooty fiancé's house (I think that's where they were going) they find self-professed fucker of old people Aubrey Plaza, a token gay guy and some arty student type who Zac Effron will eventually realise is THE ONE FOR HIM because she feeds his soul or some shit. (Look, I don't remember any of the character's actual names, except Foul Cousin Nick apparently, why the hell would I?) And from then on I honestly cannot explain what else happens.

I just can't.

Go ahead and re-read the bullet points and figure something out.

This film is garbage. But kind of FUN garbage, like a big mountain of it you can climb at the dump then realise you can't get down from.

It's stuff you shouldn't really find funny but the sheer ridiculousness of it all makes you laugh anyway. It's mental and gross and pretty much just keeps going with whatever the hell it's doing right the way through.

Which is a good side of mourning to show I suppose, if we really want to find any kind of meaning in this bizarre crap, which apparently I do. Nobody except your therapist really goes into the parts of bereavement where your brain goes mad and wants to do stupid shit. So in a way, it's refreshing to see Robert De Niro go on an insane fuck rampage to combat his grief. Plus he gets his dick out RIGHT IN ZAC EFFRON'S FACE. RIGHT IN IT.

It's come to my attention that can't really write a coherent review about this mess, maybe because I haven't written shit in months and decided to drink at least a third of my body weight in Disaronno and coke during the viewing, maybe because because I can't fully explain why I'm not giving it a teeny tiny 'd'.

I just know that I laughed a hell of a lot, which is always a good sign, and kept thinking people need to lighten up. Yes it's stupid, it's by no means a 'good' film and it's borderline obnoxious a vast majority of the time, but THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT ENJOYABLE. All the other reviews for it were terrible

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so to some extent, if you're anything like me, which we can only hope you're not, you'll probably end up finding it funny because so many people have told you NOT to find it funny.

Come on, that makes total sense and you know it. Everyone has films like that. This, apparently, is one of mine.

It's a puerile and crude and 'bad-taste' kind of comedy that you either just get or you don't. It's the kind of funny that if you find yourself watching it with somebody who just don't geddit, you'll be shouting COME ON, HE'S GOT HIS DICK OUT through slugs of some awful cheap booze and snorts of laughter and- oh God.

Maybe I'm stupid. Like, maybe I've just gotten stupider and my comedic values have disintegrated entirely.

Or maybe I should have more faith in myself and just accept things I enjoy without having to over analyse or feel ashamed of them?

Wait, I've got it. It's like farting. It's like being in a room full of people and accidentally doing a huge fart. There will be that moment of mortified silence on your part, where you debate whether to go limp and pretend you've fallen down and died, or laugh it off. If you're lucky, someone else will laugh first, causing a chain reaction that makes the whole situation less awkward. If you're not, I'd go with the body-crumple death fake out.

The people who laugh it up are probably more fun to talk to and get drunk with. The people who don't need to calm down and LAUGH AT A BIG FART.

This film is a big fart. Only you can decide whether you laugh in the face of farting and have fun with it or be a sensible adult and find it all very vulgar and childish.

I think we need to wrap this up before we delve further into my brain problems. I did just write a whole section about farting at parties.

I liked it. It's an 'm'. It was fun and stupid and we need more fun and stupid right now.  Shove it on with a bottle of sweet alcoholic gunk and a couple of close friends who like farting and work your stomach muscles out for a good hour and fourty-nine minutes. I'm also an overly emotional post broken-up with wreck who needs to laugh at anything or she'll end up crying in the bath for five hours so maybe that played a humongous part in why I enjoyed it quite a bit BUT LET'S NOT.

Come on, lighten up and laugh at some dick jokes. It'll be a BLAST. Right before we all explode in a nuclear shit storm.

(I promised myself I wouldn't mention Trump but I did. I DID. I CAN'T NOT. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE SO LET'S LAUGH OURSELVES STUPID WHILE WE CAN AAAAAAAAAGODAAAAAHAHAHAAA)

....Trailer?

M