#And all i got was a week of like 15 different panic attacks and my mothers chronic pain and irritability and guilt and fear and

[rqlaji2]

Ive been too tired to be depressed since I got home but I got some rest this morning and Yeah

[sunrizef1]

What happens in Vegas pt 12

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x fem!driver!reader

Warnings: Cursing, briefly mentioned puke (referenced), panic attacks (referenced), the NFL

Authors note: wanted to get this out before the race tomorrow, I actually quite like this chapter

Masterlist

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INSTAGRAM

yourusername

📍Austin, TX

liked by logansargeant charles_leclerc16 and 2,309,099 others

yourusername happy to be back in Austin, ready to recharge 🔋

Tagged: logansargeant, l/nranch

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user1 the speed with which she left china is honestly so funny

user2 the race was two days ago why’s she already in America 😭

user3 why’s she at a farm???

user4 her grandpas family got rich by owning a really successful agricultural company so both her grandparents decided to buy a ranch outside of Austin, which is where y/n grew up

user5 her dad being English always throws me off when I think about her family tbh

user6 her grandpa went to a race once and made the joke that the Americanism skipped a generation lol

user7 wait I’m new to y/n, how’s her dad English but the rest of her family’s American?

user8 her grandparents were based in England when he was born but they ended up really busy so they sent him to a boarding school from the time he was really young, hence the accent

user9 they’re so confusing 😭

user10 my favorite cowgirl

user11 she couldn’t wait till cota to go home???

logansargeant your grandma likes me more than you

yourusername no she doesn’t

user12 I didn’t know Logan went with her

user13 where’s Charles???

yourusername added to their story

TWITTER

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yourusername added to their story

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INSTAGRAM

yourusername

📍Las Vegas, NV

liked by killatrav taylorswift13 and 3,980,756 others

yourusername had a great time at the @/patrickmahomes charity golf gala this weekend! Grateful for the opportunity to show all these boys how it’s done out on the green and support charity at the same time! ⛳️

Might have to get you a different hat though 😉 @/killatrav

Tagged: logansargeant, killatrav, patrickmahomes

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user14 are those Porsche golf balls!?!?

user15 THEY EAT SO HARD

logansargeant I 100% beat you

yourusername I was 5 under par. You were 5 over. You lost.

logansargeant ☹️

user16 what a crossover

killatrav don’t hate the player, hate the game 🤷‍♂️

yourusername i dont hate the game, I just hate alpine

pierregasly ???

yourusername see you next week, Frenchie

user17 her and Pierres fake beef is genuinely so funny to me

user18 where's Charlesssss

user19 he liked the post, at least

user20 omg they're in Vegas! Remember what happened last time they were in Vegas…

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

yourusername

📍Bellagio Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas

liked by charles_leclerc16 donnakelce and 6,989,870 others

yourusername Last night out in Vegas 😵‍💫

I'm, once again, honored to have been invited to the 15 and the Mahomies Charity Gala! Got to auction off a few paddock passes and also got to spend a great night out with friends!

Thanks so much Vegas, you were a lot better this time than you were last time.

Tagged: logansargeant, taylorswift13, killatrav, patrickmahomes, charles_leclerc16

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user21 CHARLES CONTENT?!?!

user22 she seems happier than she has before

user23 Logan and Taylor swift in the same room is not something I’d ever expect tbh

patrickmahomes thanks for coming! ❤️💛

yourusername thanks for inviting us! ❤️🖤

user24 this is just so American

taylorswift13 🫶

yourusername 🫶

user25 more Logan content this week than Williams gives in a month

user26 they’ve been to like three different states already lmao

user27 I need the home field advantage from Miami for these two this weekend

logansargeant I’m so tired

yourusername at least it was fun 🤷‍♀️

logansargeant lol, it definitely was

user28 the first pic is so sibling coded

user29 “Mon ange” CHARLESSS 🥹

user30 the fact he’s tagged on the messages 😭

user31 THE LAST LINE ABOUT VEGAS?!?! IM SCREAMING!!!

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[stylesparker]

together again

PAIRING: Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader

WORD COUNT: 2.1k

WARNINGS: ex-bestfriend!steve, bullying, panic attack, anxiety, mentioned parent death, angst, hurt/comfort, "i've got you"

A/N: sorry this request took so long, but I hope you enjoy anon! Thank you for checking with me first, and I hope this can offer you a little more comfort! <33

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Huh?" You knock yourself out of your stupor and look at Steve, his eyes gazing gravely at you. His arms are crossed, his hair is all styled up to perfection like always, and you think to yourself- how is it that you've been paired up with Steve Harrington, again, for another stupid project? Why you, of all people?

You definitely have to be cursed.

"You heard me, right?" He confirms. "My house after school?"

You nod, almost rolling your eyes a bit. "Yeah, totally." You huff before you ask, "since when have you been one to get a head start on school work?"

He chuckles, but it sounds more sarcastic than genuine, "Since I needed a good grade in this class to graduate, L/N. I'll see you later." He pushes off the wall, sauntering away in those stupid ass jeans that actually kind of make his ass look good. You shake your head, looking away from the boy and turn to face your locker once more.

As soon as you close it with your backpack over your shoulder, you hear familiar whistles coming towards you down the hallway.

Shit.

You start walking, hoping within an inch of your life these shitheads aren't coming to you, but you know better. A hand clamps over your shoulder, squeezing a little too hard for you to know exactly who it is.

Justin Andrews, the biggest dick in Hawkins.

"Heya, sweetheart, you miss me?" He laughs right into your ear.

"Not exactly."

"Oh, I know you did. Where ya' been? Haven't seen you around all week, was sorta starting to miss this pretty ass." His friends laugh beside him as his hand drifts down your shoulder and smacks your ass, catching you off guard and making you flinch farther from his hold.

"Been sick." That's all you answer, thinking maybe putting him off with short responses will get him to find somebody else, but again, you know better than to think this will be different than any other time before.

"Damn, that's a shame. I'm sure those kids of yours got a nice break from ya' then huh?" You glare at him as he offers a wide-grinned smile, winking at you before leaving you with another smack to the ass as a parting gift. As Justin and his pack of friends depart, you hurry away as fast as you can down the hall and out the doors before they can even think of coming back.

Once you finally get to your car and get inside, you throw your stuff to the passenger seat and take a deep breath to try and calm yourself down. There was no way you were going to last period after that, and besides, your youngest little brother needed to be picked up from daycare today anyway. Luckily your other four siblings are a bit older and take the bus now, otherwise you probably would have dropped out at this point. You take another deep breath and drive off in hopes of getting your brother quickly, and home on time so you don't show up late to Steve's.

You do not want to deal with an angry Steve.

...

As the universe would have it, everything was against you today.

First, you almost got hit by some drunk pulling out of the bar halfway to the daycare. Once you got to the daycare, you had to wait half an hour since your brother had a tantrum and didn't want to leave in the middle of snack time. By the time you got him out of there, and into your car in his blue booster seat, it had been another 20 minutes. Usually it's about a 15 minute drive home from the daycare, but it ended up being a half hour due to traffic. After you finally made it home, you got a call from your boss asking you to come in again later tonight to take another extra shift since your shitty co-worker hasn't been showing up for two weeks.

At that point, you were about to lose it. You'd just gotten home and now you had to miss another family dinner tonight, much to your brother's disappointment. You wish you had just a moment to breathe, but everything has been so... chaotic lately, it's like you've been running a marathon for a month straight.

You opened the cabinet to see what food was in there, but it was only half a bag of stale potato chips, and a couple boxes of your sisters' favorite cereal. You sighed, holding your empty stomach. Leftovers tonight would have to suffice.

You took a quick glance at the clock at the wall, but did the world's fastest double take when you saw the time 4:30.

SHIT. You think. Steve is going to murder me.

Thankfully, you hear your mom pull in the driveway so at least you're not leaving your brother home alone. You grab your backpack and bolt out the door with your keys in your hand. You scream a quick goodbye to your mom while she watches you pull out of the driveway like a madman, and take off in a rush.

Fifteen minutes later, you're pulling into Steve's huge driveway, slamming the door behind you, and running up to the door with big huffs to try and catch your breath. You knock on the door three times, and pull your hand back down when you see the door already opening in front of you. When the door is opened, you're confronted by the boy you were dreading to see.

"I'm sorry-" you begin to apologize, but Steve immediately cuts you off.

"Are you serious? I asked you if after school worked and you told me it was fine, and now you're an hour and a half late!"

"Steve-" you try again, but he continues. You stand there, taking in his anger and frustration, and all you can do is blankly stare and nod, not even knowing what you're agreeing with. You shut your eyes and look at the ground, willing the tears to stay back while you twist your fingers in your hands. You don't even know when his voice lost its edge or when it even stopped at all, or when you'd been pulled inside and asked if you were alright. Your eyes are still closed, but your head feels like it's going to explode and you can't hear what he's saying. The tears are streaming down your face before you can help it, and your hands start shaking from how hard you're trying to hold back.

Steve's so taken aback, he can't even speak. He hasn't seen you like this in a long time, not since your dad died and you practically became a parent to your siblings. His heart breaks a little bit at the sight of you, and he feels a part of his old self coming back, wanting to comfort you and protect you just like he did growing up. Just like he's done his whole life, apart from the entirety of this year. He doesn't even care he's supposed to hate you and you're supposed to hate him in this moment, all he knows is that he's the only person that can help you right now, and he's going to do just that.

Steve's face loses its concern and he jumps into protective mode, bringing his hands up to hold either side of your face to get you to look at him.

"Sweetheart, I need you to calm down for me, yeah? What's going on, talk to me."

You stubbornly shake your head and refuse to look up at him. Your chest is still heaving rapidly, and he can tell you can't catch your breath.

"Don't be stubborn right now, I can't help you if you don't let me and you need to let me help you. I can't have you passing out on my floor now can I?" He tries to joke, but you don't get distracted, you keep your eyes down even though they've opened. He sighs, dropping one of his hands to grab yours and place them over his chest. "Slow down, take a deep breath, love."

"I-I can't-" you sputter out to the best of your ability, letting your hand ball his shirt up into a fist.

"Yes, you can. Take a good deep breath," you listen to him momentarily, following what he's doing, and when you do he nods and gives you a nice, soft smile, "there ya go, love, you got it. Do it again."

Seeing him be like this for you again brings you back to all those times you've needed him before, the memories almost came flooding back when you heard his loud voice turn soothing in an instant, just for you. His touch had always been grounding, always took off the pressure and allowed you to come back down, and you hadn't expected it to be the same after so much time apart, but now, it's like nothing changed. He's still Steve- he's still your Steve.

That thought alone comforts you more than anything else.

"Steve-" you whisper softly, "I'm so- sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Sweetheart, don't-"

"No, I have to. I've been horrible to you, and now you're helping me- I just-" you drop your head on his chest, and finally tell him everything. "I feel like I've just been going and going non-stop, and today was it, it was my absolute breaking point. After you, and Justin-"

"Justin? Are you- Are you serious? Is he still giving you shit?"

You gulp, "yeah," but you shake your head quickly, "but he's not even the worst thing, I just... ugh," you stop yourself before you start crying again but Steve feels like he knows.

"When's the last time you got some sleep?"

"I don't know.. a couple days ago?"

"Oh my god," he drops his head back and groans, which actually makes you laugh a bit. He immediately looks down at you, realizing the talking stopped you from panicking, or at least distracted you from it. "Hey," he nudged you a bit, getting you to look up at him, "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't of yelled at you, and I definitely shouldn't have left you that night-"

"That's not your fault, Steve. I pushed you away."

"Yeah, and I shouldn't have let you."

You look at each other for a moment, like, really look at each other. It's been so long since you've been able to hold each other like this, it almost doesn't feel real.

"C'mon, let's get you something to eat."

"It's fine-" you start, before he cuts you off again.

"No, shut up. If you haven't been sleeping, you definitely haven't been eating either, so let's go." He left no room for debate, so you just took his hand and followed him, letting him lead you through his house.

He gives you a couple of your favorite snacks, since he didn't have any sort of meals yet, but you seemed very content, so he thought it was better than nothing. He let you take your time, rubbed your back while you told him about the rest of your shitty day, and grabbed your hand again when he started up the stairs to his room.

"What about the project?" You asked.

"That can wait. You need some sleep first."

"Steve-"

He shook his head, "Nope. Not happening."

At last, you gave up and followed his lead again, which, as much as you'd hate to admit it, it felt nice letting someone else lead you around for a change instead of the other way around. For so long, it's been you taking charge and always bossing your siblings around, but it feels relieving to have Steve with you again to remind you it didn't always have to be that way.

You pulled back the covers in his bed and laid down, not even having to ask for Steve to join you, him already doing the same on the other side. Almost as if no time had passed, you curled up against one another, resting your head on his chest, and his arms wrapping around you to pull you close.

"Go to sleep. I've got you."

His hands rub gentle circles on your back, soothing you and releasing the tension from your body as you slowly relax enough to fall asleep. You fight to keep your eyes open as long as you can, savoring this moment with him, almost as if he won't be here when you wake up.

"Don't worry, I'll be here."

Those words pull at your heartstrings, making you hold him tighter and bury yourself into him deeper, if you even can. Knowing that you're together again has you finally closing your eyes, and falling into a peaceful sleep.

[sturnsbella]

the right person

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matt sturniolo x fem!reader

summary: matt was right about the guy y/n was talking to being an asshole, but he helps her anyways.

warnings: underage drinking, panic attack and cheating (?)

y/n - pink

matt - blue

madi - red

nick - purple

chris - orange

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marylou is my mom’s best friend since college, because of their friendship, me and the triplets grew up together. they were like family, we always spent holidays together and we met every week. getting older, we just got closer. nick was always my best friend, chris was like a older, annoying, funny and carrying older brother, and matt… he was kinda different?

when we were like 13, i had a crush on him, and everyone knew it, i was really bad at hiding it. he probably didn’t like me back, since he was 15 and probably saw me as a younger sister or something like that. i hated that, he was so weird with me. he acted like we were just friends but when i started to talk to a boy he was super overprotective, almost like he was jealous. i never understood that.

i got over him years ago, but recently he has been kinda flirty with me. i always take it as a joke, but sometimes i don’t know if it really is..

anyways, it doesn’t matter ‘cause i’m talking to somebody else now.

-

madi, one of the friends we have in common, is throwing a party today, i have 10 minutes until matt, chris and nick come to pick me up. my hair is loose and i did two little braids in the front. i’m wearing a black open backless top, and a tight jeans skirt. my makeup is done, i just apply gloss to finish while admiring myself in the mirror. i take a couple of selfies before laying on my bed and posting it.

matt’s pov

i’m scrolling on instagram waiting for my brothers when i see y/n’s post. she looks really good. i like the picture and comment:

@matthew.sturniolo - “picking you up rn. good pics btw 📸”

it only takes her a few seconds to reply:

@y/n.y/l/n - “ok im waiting. tks 📸”

under my comment a see the comment of the guy she’s talking to:

@evan_williams - “🔥”

i roll my eyes. he’s an asshole and it pisses me off that y/n doesn’t see it. she deserves someone better than him, she is so sweet and kind and i’m not even sure he likes her.

y/n’s pov

i grab my purse while walking to the door when the triplets arrive at my house. i get in the car sitting next to nick.

“hii you’re looking so good y/n/n”

“thank youu” i say smiling.

chris looks at me and smiles

“you really are”

matt glances at me

“yeah you look hot”

i giggle a bit and blush

“shut up”

we listen to music and sing all the way to the party, not talking about anything. we get to the house and we all leave the car.

“y/n/n do you know if evan’s coming?”

“yeah he’ll come. but he won’t stay much tho, he’s grounded or something”

i say as we go to the door. and i notice matt guets quiet when we talk about evan.

“what?”

i say staring at him.

“nothing”

“what is it?”

“you know he’s an asshole, right?”

i roll my eyes at him, i know he doesn’t like evan but he never likes any guy i talk to, is annoying.

“i’ll go grab a drink, do you guys want anything?”

i go to the kitchen after they all said no. in the kitchen i find madi, we take a few shots and then we go dancing.

mini time skip

me, madi and a bunch of other people are dancing with the loud music playing. i still haven’t seen evan, so i text him.

“heyy, are u still coming?”

he took a few minutes to answer the text

“hey, no i won’t make it sorry”

“oh, okay” i text back. i show my phone to madi.

“it’s okay we don’t need him here, let’s drink”

we go to the kitchen once again, and while i’m making my drink i notice madi’s eyes going wide, i look to where she was looking.

“y/n don’t-“

she says trying to stop me from seeing evan hooking up with another girl on the corner of the room. i’m speechless. i mean, we didn’t have anything too serious but i wasn’t hooking up with any other guys, and he told me he liked me… i turn my head to madi again

“i can’t believe him”

“omg i’m so sorry y/n”

“it’s fine”

it’s not, he was so nice to me, i really liked him. and it all just reminded me from when i caught my ex boyfriend cheating on me with my (ex) best friend. my mind racing as my breath got heavier.

“i’ll be right back”

i go to the bathroom, close the door and lean myself on the sink. i stare at myself in the mirror with my eyes filled with tears. it gets hard to breathe when my tears run down my face. i hear someone knock on the door.

“y/n/n?”

matt opens the door, i look at him crying and trying to breathe. he closes the door behind him and rushes to come try to calm me down.

“y/n it’s okay. you are okay”

i shake my head

“you can get through this, okay?” he says breathing deeply trying to make me follow his breath.

“focus on my breathing”

he wipes my tears, i begin to slow down my breathing and calming down.

“matt” i try to speak

“shh, is okay.” he gives a slight smile trying not to look so nervous to help me. i hug him, trying to stop crying.

“i should’ve listened to you”

“don’t say that, you couldn’t know”

“why does everyone fucking replace me like that?”

“it’ll be okay, y/n/n, you got me”

we stay like that in silence for a while. he lets me go and holds my face, wiping my last tear.

“let’s get out of here before i fucking punch him”

i nod, smiling slightly. i’m kinda embarrassed matt saw me like this. i’m not even that sensitive but i think with the alcohol and all.. it was a just lot.

-

the drive back was silent. i was sitting on the passenger’s seat, chris didn’t even said anything about it, he understood something had happened.

i notice that matt isn’t driving back to my place.

matt’s pov

“matt where are we going?”

y/n asks me looking confused

“you’re sleeping over at our house today”

she smiles. i wouldn’t let her be alone right now, she’s too drunk, plus with what happened with evan i don’t want her to do anything stupid.

after 10 minutes in the car i notice y/n fell asleep. “she’s cute” i think to myself, hoping chris and nick didn’t notice me blushing over her. when we get to our house, nick and chris go inside letting me with y/n.

i carry her inside the house and to my bedroom, where i place here on my bed. i turn around to pick up a hoodie for her to sleep in, when i turn to her i see she woke up.

“hey” she smiles

“wear this, i’ll be sleeping on chris’s room if you need anything.” i say turning my back at her.

“matty” i look at her waiting for her to speak.

“can you stay here?”

i smile at her question and nod. i go to lay down next to y/n, facing her.

“you’re okay?”

“i will be. i just…” she pauses “i wish someone would really stay. what is wrong with me? why does everyone always leaves?”

“nothing’s wrong with you, y/n. you’re perfect. he was the problem.”

“he wasn’t even the first one to cheat on me”

“you’ll be alright, y/n/n. you’ll find the right person”

“you think so?”

“i’m sure.” i smile and nod. i wrap my arm around y/n’s waist as she lays her head on my chest. i caress her hair until she falls asleep.

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first fic ughhhh how do we feel?

i have ideas for part 2 but idkk..

i hope you guys like it, sorry for any mistakess

- xoxo bella

😚

[unladyboss]

JUST CARMY

I'm always so confused about Carmy's behavior. Like the more I try to figure it out, the more confused I get. It's like what Ebra said about Mikey, he got confused by his behaviors. So I thought about it and realized that maybe I was confused because I'm SUPPOSED TO BE CONFUSED.

Because you can't reason out the behavior of an addict. I really think now that Carmy is a high functioning alcoholic. When I figured that out, my heart dropped and I looked at all scenes with different eyes. Hear me out. High functioning alcoholics are difficult to spot. They can maintain near normal appearance for job, family, friends etc, but it eventually catches up

1. The alcohol in the office . It's there always. Check the green bottles

2. Alcohol just at different levels

3. Carmy's mom is an alcoholic. It's rare for none of the kids not to be alcoholic. Mikey was a drug addict.

4. Maybe the reason Syd's dad hasn't met him yet is because he'd get outed. Syd's dad doesn't drink, possibly because he used to drink too much.

5. If Syd's dad used to drink too much it would explain, some of her attraction to Carmy. That codependent thing that occurs in families of addicts

6. Claire. I'm sorry I was mean about Claire but she was a big big clue. That's why Claire was brought in.

When she said she remembers Carmy and he gave her the wrong number, its possible that the past him also drank too much. I'm not too sure

However, she manages sad drunk people. Even though he doesn't drink in front of her and drinks pop. The clues were in front of us. Red cup party.

The insistence of Claire to track him down. Possibly a tool to help him see that he needs help. She manages him the whole time.

7. The anxiety

8. The ibuprofen for headaches

9. The insomnia

10. Everything in his life is pointing toward him needing help

11. He's going to Al-Anon meetings. We think it's just about Mikey but then the look of the meeting changes and he says it's three times a week so Al Anon may have switched to real alcoholics anonymous meetings

12. Mikey not wanting him to work at the bear, might be him knowing that Carmy would probably fall into worse things... Maybe he saw Carmy's own addiction and kicked him out

13. The tattoo. He knows alcohol is bad and can kill, not just because of his mom, but because he's doing it.

14. The mood swings. Screaming at people, anger, one minute mad, the next minute calm

15. All the Al Anon pamphlets he was reading. That wasn't just about Mikey. It was for him

16. Brain issues - wet brain. 'is that sound in my head?' When the alarm goes off. Cicero asks if it's not driving him crazy. He said he's used to it.

Is my hair on fire? He asked Syd

17. The fidgeting fingers. Withdrawal. Need a drink to stabilize

18. The disappearing, like into the fridge. Remember one time the Pepto was in there? The drink could be too if it's not in the office any more

Pepto usually near to the alcohol . Disappearing from the Bear. Just bailing on things in general.

19. The delusions seeing his old boss at friends and family and being inconsolable.

29. Panic attack.

The whole sydcarmy thing could be and probably IS happening simultaneously along with the high functioning alcoholism.

But this is mad serious.

30.I think they put JOSH in that last episode to show just how high functioning an addict could be, but that eventually the addiction will ruin things

31. Big hints at Claire's party

32. The chest pain, heart beating fast

This is so serious.

I don't think I'm wrong

We said the show runners were playing in our faces. I thought they meant just about Syd. It was probably them trying to show us THIS, but we were too distracted by SYDCARMY.

When I figured this out, I couldn't watch the sydcarmy interaction the same way any more.

This whole time he's probably been going through bouts of withdrawal and symptoms of that, along with relapsing.

I feel sick.

I HOPE I'm wrong, but I don't think so at all.

You guys. Talk me out of this. I need reassuring words right now.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hi miss L, i have a spiritual/religious question and i don't know anyone else who could answer it.... since i was a kid i've been attracted to tarot, spirituality, mystical explanations of the worlds workings, astrology, all that good stuff. i never used to connect my spirituality to a single higher power, and i never had any issues with this. for a few years i've been wanting more than just a disturbingly accurate tarot spread and i feel compelled towards god. i'm not sure how to word it honestly! i keep getting messages all around me telling me the saint that watches over me, and that god is there too. so here's my issue.

whenever i reach out and pray or do any kind of ritual or reach out specifically to god or a saint, my life immediately starts going haywire. yesterday i set up a small shrine in my room for my dead kitty since i've been feeling better about her passing and i prayed a little. i asked for sign that i was going in the right direction, and hours after i prayed, our sink plumbing got clogged, my cat (living) ran out and had to be caught, my mom dropped a whole bowl of food, and i wasn't able to pick up groceries bc the bank cards wouldnt work. this never happens in my household, we've been joking that we're cursed. this happens everytime i try to reach out to god. the worst time was when my mom lost her job, dad crashed his car, and i kept having panic attacks out of the blue for a week. i freaked out and took everything i said back and bathed in salt water for hours hoping i could cleanse whatever happened to me. it worked and my life was back to normal the next day.

do you have any advice? i would love to put my trust in a higher power as i've never been religious before, but smthn is going wrong somehow.

thank you for reading, i love seeing you on the dash and your music is so soothing and nostalgic. much love!! <3 <3 <3 <3

so sweet, and caring, thankyou u//u...im sorry things have been difficult :< The following message does not in any way endorse the claim that i understand God, that God could ever be understood, or that any one of us should every try to understand the -inner workings- of God ! purely my feelings v v v

i relate to ur background cus i grew up w no religion, my parents didnt talk about any kind of woo-woo stuff, my dads dad was woo-woo AF and my dad haaaaated it so he rejected all of it so i was pree much just a blank slate. but for some reason i was just REALLY obsessed w magical thinking and the like. believed in god spirits nature deities angels demons magic aliens and i was totaly engrossed in ~my secret world~. i was kinda scared of religion tho i viewed it in a bad light since i was learning about it during the george bush post-9/11 era & for some reason my child self was rly interested in consuming critique of america , iraq war / westboro baptist church type stuff , from an outsider's perspective i saw religion as something american people used as justification for committing atrocities & crazy power trips , which, i mean.. anyways

it didnt help me trust God xD but many of my beliefs remained into my teens i just didnt have any outlet for them. so i got into astrology around 15/16, started learning more about tarot & occultish type things, crytstals, all those subjects intrigued me very much. but i felt the same way as you, like, something was still lacking from it, even when i got these super profound tarot readings, or read my birth chart a million times over looking for clues about ~wtf is this stupid life for~ , i never felt safe. never felt assured, never felt i could trust myself or my future. it was an odd period, early 20s. but then kinda same as u, as my knowledge on these topics expanded i started to notice the quality of Holiness a lot more. the more i learned about different religions the more i realized how connected it all was, and how religion connects to "the occult", and magic, light and dark, i find it very hard to put into words. i just started to find myself actually really earnestly believing in God in a way i never thought i could? Like reading the bible & being completely enthralled, i NEVER woulda thought. i started to feel way safer in the world even tho im still not "christian" technicaly. but i believe in jesus now and it makes me feel safe on a cellular level.

i believe the real jesus was wholly non judgemental and loved everyone no matter what, the thing that susses me out about Religious Institutions was always the judgement that can spawn from it. misses the point of everrything in my opinion.

its kinda wild actually cus when i used to be into like, trash reality tv ghost hunting shows, i remember there was one ep where this psychic was talking about how she always prays to jesus for protection before doing a reading or entering a haunted place. that really intrigued me cus i thought jesus and psychic automatically cancelled each other out. i think that moment rly opened up the rabbitehole and it was so mundane like wtf. still rememebr it tho!

sorry im really in a typing mood tonight.. So my next point was gonna be that, just because i started to really believe in god and jesus and really PRAY for protection & guidance, my life did not get easier xD like i would say the past 6 years have been nothing short of a shit show. my life was fucked before that too tho so its hard to compare, but still, its safe to say my shift in perspective actually brought a lot of chaos into mylife. the point of it, i feel, is that i had to dismantle it in order to truly Live in the frequency of trusting God. because this was new to me! i wanted to trust God, i put out the energy of seeking God, and God was like ok hold on tight..

So now i'm here all these years later like, oh yeah God is real and i love him and it's all real. it's CEMENTED into me lol. When i used to say i trust God it still felt like i was asking permission to be able to feel that way. but now i really really do. And messed up stuff will keep happening forever because there needs to be light & dark, there can't b one without the other. But now i have faith in a really personal way that i wld never attempt to transfer onto another like even by talking about these experiences & concepts i still feel like i don't want to prove anything. except that it's worth it to keep trying, i guess :]

and OK this is really just how i feel like take it with a grain of salt , but from what i've gathered, if you believe in energy entities & astral happenings & whatnot, well. it's my opinion that the invisible low frequency parasites that feed on many ppl's dread & fear, when they're attached to u and u begin to raise your vibration, they get very upset and throw a fit. like think of a demon being exorcised, u know, u imagine it having a total fit in a desperate fight for it's life. if ur appeasing the demon and letting it use you then of course it's going to keep things on an even keel, u kno?

taking a salt bath was a good thing to do tho like one of the best things <3 its also good to have crosses or your holy item of choice around the house, light white candles, organize clutter. pray a lot like every time u feel happy and safe or notice something beautiful say thanku to God.. talk to your angels and encourage them i pray a lot specifically to strengthen them, upgrade their armor n shih...i ask them to work for my loved ones, i try to be concentrated on them, visualize them around me all the time, visualize them standing guard outside every door. i feel this kinda stuff increases ur Holy EXP and over time your spiritual armor gets stronger, bad entities move on and things in life start really flow. the trust just has to b there first, and it will be, so long as u allow it <3

it just takes time, and like i said i dont want to prove anything or be The Convincer, but if u were already having feelings to go down this path i recommend not giving up and let God carry u through those tough situations instead of seeing them as an absence of God or God's Wrath. just keep praying cus it can't hurt right, even if it's just a way to occupy your mind with kind thoughts about your friends and family, there's no downside to prayer. its your own journey so u just gotta live it and feel it out ^^ but pls dont feel u are being punished by God or demons or anything else! So many "bad" things that happen end up being neutral or even "good" in the long run. We can never foresee the reasoning behind God's plan ~~~

yeah, this was a long one, wow...i drank a energy drink 12 hours ago i think it made me hyper.. well have a swell evening if ur reading this anon!! o also i liek to listen to psalms before bed to help me feel calm i feel like it helps bring in angels. i think i will do so now, thanks for the Q i hope things improve for u very soon. Good night anon < 3 3 3 PMD 9

[storiesbyrhi]

Angel of the First Degree - Chapter 15: Christmas

Eddie Munson x Chubby!Reader 3605 words Series Masterlist

Warnings: Anxiety; fatphobia including internalised; drug use; bullying; body issues; discussion of body function and fluids; period shame/stigma; disclosure of sexual assault (chapter 2); disordered eating and thoughts of food; shitty/abusive/critical parents; porn magazines; smut; reference to suicide (specifically Virginia Woolf’s); no beta; grief/mourning; verbal fighting; meat (turkey)... for the vegans; warnings updated each chapter

Synopsis: When Eddie Munson finds you in the midst of a panic attack, it is the beginning of something. A fic featuring body and sex positivity, Eddie in a dress, soft small moments, scary big truths, and all the usual special feelings you’d expect from one of my stories.

Chapter Summary: It was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Author's Note: We also continue with our little peppering of glimpses into Eddie’s masterplan. Bonus: We find out what's in the Garfield mug.

“The roads are awful,” you tried to argue.

It was just under a week until Christmas, and from where you sat on the bed, you could see snow falling outside. Forest Hills had already become a depressing version of a winter wonderland.

“I’m taking Wayne’s truck. He got chains put on.”

Eddie continued to shove things into his duffle bag, not bothering to face you as he spoke.

“Why can’t they at least meet you halfway?”

Eddie held back a smirk. “It’s not the same as me driving over to someone’s house to sell them a few joints. Not your friendly neighbourhood drug dealer. They’re a supplier, you know?”

“Okay but doesn’t that make them dangerous?”

“That’s why you’re not coming,”

“Eddie,” you whined, but the pitch is sad and he heard it.

Eddie stopped packing and sat on the edge of the bed. “It’s one night, angel. I’ll be in and out there. I promise if there was a different way of getting the product, I’d do that. But no Rick means I gotta fend for myself, and I want it done before Christmas, ‘kay?”

He felt like shit for lying to you, but there was no other cover story. Eddie had spent hours thinking about it, but all alternatives made no sense. Driving to Chicago to buy a few months’ worth of drugs got him to the city without you.

Eddie had added flourishes to the story to make it seem more real. People suffered through the holidays; weed was a saving grace he could charge a premium for. People partied through the holidays; coke and party drugs at holiday rates. Supply and demand.

It was hard for you to come up with a valid enough reason for him not to go. The income generated from the product would be supporting you after all. Regardless, you felt sick knowing Eddie would be alone on the icy roads for so long, and you were terrified at the thought of who he’d be meeting in the Windy City.

When Eddie kissed you goodbye, he held your face in his hands and studied it. “I love you,” he said softly while his expression was set in a hard frown.

“I love you too. Be safe.”

Once he was gone, you went back to bed with the hopes of sleeping through the subsequent forty-eight hours.

At the wheel of Wayne’s truck, Eddie had Hawkins in his rearview mirror, and a list of addresses and times riding shotgun.

…

It came as a surprise to you that you had, in fact, not met all the different sides of Eddie. As Christmas Eve Day dawned, your boyfriend was running on adrenaline, black coffee, and a questionable amount of sugar.

You sat at the kitchen counter, nursing a cup of milky tea, watching him measure out herbs and spices. At first, he was explaining the recipe to you. Quickly it descended into Eddie muttering something about oven hot spots and internal turkey temperatures. It would have been funny if he didn’t look so unhinged.

When Wayne came home from his night shift, he froze in the doorway at the sight of Eddie in the kitchen.

“Jesus. This shit starts earlier every year,” he said.

“Yeah. Yeah. And every year I get closer to the perfect fuckin’ bird, don’t I? Huh? Yeah?”

“Alright. Calm down. Don’t get your turkey in a twist… If this is happening, I’m taking the bed for a couple’a hours,”

“Yeah, ‘kay. Don’t mind the wet patches,” Eddie replied with a dumbass smile.

You closed your eyes and felt your cheeks heat.

Wayne made a noise of extreme discontent, grabbed the blanket hung over his fold-up bed, and disappeared into the bedroom.

“Why did you have to say that?” you whined.

Eddie cackled and returned to his precious Christmas Eve roast. “After you eat this, you’ll let me say whatever I fucking want.”

When his prized bird was safely on its way to cooked perfection, you joined Eddie to help prepare the sides. Mashed potatoes and peas. Gravy and cranberry sauce. Most of it was store-bought mixes because Eddie had spent so much on the bird. You didn’t care at all. With the trailer smelling of food and pine, and a small collection of gifts under the tree, it was shaping up to be a kind of beautiful Christmas.

When Wayne emerged from the bedroom, it was late afternoon. Dinner was well on its way to being cooked, and Eddie was sitting on the floor in front of the oven. He’d let you bake gingerbread on the condition that he watched the oven to ensure his turkey wasn’t affected.

“If anything, my cookies are gonna smell like it!”

“Lucky them!”

Wayne took his usual position in the single armchair in the corner of the room. He’d put on a record then relaxed in for the night.

“We don’t always get Christmas Eve together,” Eddie explained. “He asked for it off this year,”

“That’s good,”

“For you,” he added. You had joined Eddie on the floor next to the oven, and looked over at him when he said it. “My first Christmas with him was awesome. I mean, all things considered. Reckon he wants yours to be too.”

It felt good in that way that hurts.

When your cookies were out and cooled, you and Eddie sat at the little table against the wall and began to decorate. Your first three were gingerbread replicas of you, Eddie, and Wayne. You glanced over at Eddie’s plate. He had bitten limbs off his men and eaten them happily.

“They fought valiantly,” he told you.

“Who was the war against?”

“Christian fundamentalists,” Eddie replied, not missing a beat.

“Jesus,” you laughed.

“Nah, he’s actually on the other side.”

You watched him for a few more moments, lost in his own little storyline of broken soldiers and religious zealots. Truly, there was nobody else like Eddie.

After gingerbread men and spiked eggnog, the Christmas crackers were brought out. You won against both Eddie and Wayne, wearing a pink and a blue paper hat on your head. Wayne won against Eddie, leaving Eddie to pout and smell the gunpowder sticks left in the halved crackers.

“Like sparklers,” he told you, inhaling dramatically.

Wayne unraveled the tiny piece of paper in his hands and sighed. “Why did Santa’s helper go to the doctor?” You and Eddie shrugged. “Because he had low elf esteem.”

Eddie snorted. “Alright, gimme one?” You handed him one of yours. “Ahhh, ‘kay… What’s the best Christmas present in the world? … A broken drum… You just can’t beat it,”

“We should save that for Gareth. Okay, mine says… What do you get when you cross Santa with a vampire?”

“Frostbite,” Eddie answered immediately.

“Yeah,”

“That’s my favourite Christmas joke,”

“You have a favourite Christmas joke?”

“Yeah. That and: what do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle smells,”

“That’s bad,” you said but laughed anyway.

“Wayne has a photographic memory for shitty jokes,” Eddie told you, pointing up at his uncle.

“What did one snowman say to the other snowman? … Can you smell carrot?”

And it went on like that until the oven timer binged and Eddie screamed so loud beside you that it hurt your ears.

“Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck. Yes. Yes, this is it. I’ve done it. I’m a god. I’m a culinary god. The best goddamn chef in all of Indiana.”

You and Wayne stood and watched Eddie pull the turkey out of the oven. He’d done the math and timed all the sides perfectly. He began to mumble to himself (although you were beginning to suspect he was actually talking to the turkey) and put things on serving plates.

“Guess we better set the table,” Wayne said.

The small table against the wall was pulled out and a third folded chair was fetched from somewhere in the trailer. You set out three plates and lots of cutlery. The table wasn’t big enough to put everything on, so Eddie arranged a buffet on the kitchen bench where you each could serve yourself from.

“Looks good, kid,” Wayne offered when you were all at the table.

Eddie took a swig from his can of beer. “Thanks,”

“Really good,” you added. Eddie smiled at you. For a split second, less than even, you saw something in his expression. “What?”

He chewed his lip. “I just… It’s good to see you excited about food,” he said softly. Only months earlier, it would have been a risky thing to say. Not anymore.

You smiled back at him.

“We eating? Or…” Wayne hesitated. “You wanna say grace or something?”

Eddie snorted. “Grace?” They pulled faces at each other, then Eddie conceded. “How ‘bout… Here’s to… graduating, having a hot girlfriend, and a perfectly cooked turkey.”

Wayne shook his head but held his drink up anyway. In unison, the three of you said cheers.

…

Christmas dessert was bags of candy and the final dregs of eggnog. You and Eddie were laying side by side on the floor under the tree, looking up at the twinkling lights.

“What time you start tomorrow?” Eddie asked Wayne.

“Early.”

You hadn’t thought about the fact that so many people work on Christmas Day. You had been living a life of privilege with your parents, one that included holidays off.

“Let’s do presents tonight then,” you suggested.

“Good idea,” Eddie agreed, sitting up and pulling Wayne’s haul out.

A couple of records, novelty socks, and a book of gift vouchers Eddie and you had made that entitled Wayne to things like ‘get out of your turn to vacuum,’ ‘one night alone in the trailer,’ and ‘get out of jail free.’ He laughed at it and Eddie made a comment about how it was probably going to come back and bite you on the asses.

“Your turn, angel,”

“We agreed one thing each,” you whined when Eddie pulled out multiple gifts.

“This one’s from him, so that doesn’t count. And also I was born to break the rules baaaaaa-beeeee,” he replied, his big brown eyes jellifying you. 

Wayne’s present to you was a gift card to Build-A-Bear. “I know it’s a bit of a cop-out, but… you know… you’re always happy when you get back from that place.” The gift card was the type you could only buy in-store. The picture of Wayne Munson in that rainbow vomit of a room was somehow even stranger than Eddie in one. You wondered if Kasey had served him.

Eddie had bought you two books, and much like the one you received for your birthday, one was suspiciously aligned with what you would have had to read if enrolled at college. The other was about how modern sociological ideologies can shape the supposed objective understanding of ancient art and literature, therefore ancient culture. Eddie got the gist of it but winced when he flicked open to a random page and tried to read the academic writing. He knew you’d love it.

After the two books, he handed over a final gift. After all the birthday presents and other things he’d given you, you wondered what there could be left for Eddie to wrap.

“Oh, fuck. Hang on,” Eddie exclaimed, jumping up and running to the bedroom, returning with Hellfire. “You might need him for this.”

Unwrapping the small box, your heart melted and you giggled at the cuteness. It was a small replica of Eddie’s pick necklace obviously meant for Hellfire. When you put it on him, it sat perfectly around the cow’s neck. Eddie had used his miniature figurine equipment to make it for you, pulling apart old jewellery in the process.

“Now he really matches you,” you said holding him up, beaming.

“Actually, he matches you. There’s more in the box.”

With Hellfire next to you, you picked the box up again and moved a piece of tissue paper. You hadn’t noticed when Eddie stopped wearing his necklace. Now, it was in the box, offered to you in an act of devotion. It was a promise that he was yours, completely and entirely. And, you were his, adorned with his trademark.

“Eddie,” you started.

He knew that tone. It was the one that voiced shaky thoughts of inadequacy.

“Before you do the whole routine,” Eddie interrupted, waving an accusing finger at you but still wearing a soft smile. “Don’t be a grinch.”

You breathed out, then nodded. The weight of the chain and pick was nothing, but still, it felt like a grounding force weighted with love.

Honestly, you didn’t know where to go from that, didn’t know how to process what the gift symbolised, so instead you picked up your Christmas present to Eddie.

“Well, I stuck to the one thing rule…” you teased.

There was a strange little store in Hawkins, barely a hole in the wall. It sold candles and incense and glittery rocks. Not long after Eddie had passed ownership of the ruby ring to you, you had seen another like it in the store. It probably wasn’t a real fancy ruby, but the red stone was genuine. The ring was less dainty than yours, but you were drawn to it every time you passed by the store.

The woman who worked there reminded you of Stevie Nicks, always in lace and hand knitted things. She had watched you come and go from her store, always lamenting over the red garnet ring. “What does it mean to you?” she asked one day.

You felt embarrassed to be so seen, but she was kind. When you told her about Eddie and showed her the stolen ruby ring, she smiled, saying, “Red garnets are gemstones full of love.” After she told you about how scientists were making synthetic garnets but without the earth energy or characterising imperfections, you moved aside so she could help a group of teenagers.

The group was vaguely familiar, maybe they had been Juniors that year. On top of the usual anxiety you felt whenever groups of kids were nearby, you sensed something else. The girls in the group were asking lots of questions about things on one side of the store, while the boys huddled together on the other. Doing your best to stay off their radar, you slowly made your way to where you could spy better. They were lining their pockets with small trinkets and crystals.

The woman had been so gentle with you, never making you feel bad for not buying whenever you stopped by. You imagined it was hard to own a business like hers in a town like Hawkins. Besides, you thought, there were rules about shoplifting. Eddie had told you he never used his five-finger discount anywhere where the owner was also the person at the register. Honour among thieves.

The kids in the store didn’t get the memo and it filled you with a dash of bravery. You quickly moved to the closed door and knocked over a stack of books that sat neatly by it. Everyone in the store looked to see what the commotion was.

“Sorry,” you said. “I’ll pick them up. You guys can pay for the stuff you’re getting while I do it. I’ll be quick.”

The boys all looked at each other. “What stuff?” one tried.

You began to slowly rebuild the book tower.

“Guess I should get baskets so customers don’t have to put things in their pockets,” the woman said, leaving the girls to go stand in the boys’ personal space.

They dumped all the things out onto the counter, legging it out the door just as you opened it wide. “Fucking bitches!” and “Freaks!” were thrown in as they left.

“Did they break anything?” you asked, walking over to help the woman put things back in their rightful homes. 

“Thankfully not. I normally just let them leave with it all,”

“Why?”

“Apparently confronting people makes myself a target, according to the Chief. S’not been the same since Hopper died…”

“I’m sorry,”

“Not your bad to apologise for. Anyway, thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”

You thought on it… “I did. It was the right thing to do.”

The woman looked at you, almost through you. She had that otherworldliness to her gaze that Eddie sometimes got. People like them saw the universe differently.

When she offered you the ring as a reward for stepping in, you declined. As you did the next time you were there and she offered, and the third. The fourth time you sighed.

“This ring stopped being mine the minute you walked in here,” she said. “I think it’s meant for your boyfriend.”

Sitting on the floor cross-legged, Eddie mirroring your position, you knew that the witchy woman was right all along.

“Just one is one more than I need,” Eddie said, tearing into the small gift. The wrapping paper gave way to the small velvet box. “Oh my gawwwd.” It was a new voice for him. “Baaaaabe. Honey bunny. Cupcake. You shouldn’t have.” He hadn’t even opened the box. “I do. I will be your wife.” But then he opened the box and his impersonation of bouncy fiancé girl dropped. His eyebrows knitted together.

“You don’t like it?” you said more than asked before you could stop yourself.

“No, no, I love it. It’s just too much,”

“Oh. No. It’s not…” You went to say more but didn’t really know how to begin to justify something so small to someone so big.

Thankfully, Eddie shut up and accepted it, putting the ring on and staring at it. You knew him well enough to know he was holding back tears. His eyes glossed over and he scrunched his nose up like a rabbit. When he was ready, he looked back up at you.

“I love you,” he said so seriously. There were so many things going through his mind. A masterplan with so many moving parts he felt tired all the time. It was coming together though, and he was so close to the reveal.

“I love you too,” you replied, voice shaky.

Wayne waited a few moments before breaking up the intense gaze-off you and Eddie were in. He cleared his throat. “I’ll put this here for safe keepin’,” he said, standing and reaching up to a shelf of his mugs to put the book of vouchers in it. As he angled the Garfield mug, he heard a sound. You watched Wayne pull the mug down and peer inside. “What the hell?”

“You would not fucking believe how long I’ve been waiting for you to find that!” Eddie said, loud and proud, shooting up and clapping his hands.

Wayne fished out the object and held it up. It was a human tooth. “Jesus. Is this real?”

“Ah-huh,” Eddie answered, cackling. You and Wayne both waited for him to explain. “You remember when one of my wisdom teeth was coming in?”

“Do I bloody remem- Yes, Eddie, I do. Bitched and moaned about it day and night but wouldn’t go see anybody ‘bout it,”

“Yeah, well, you know Hacksaw Henry? Got him to pull out the back tooth so the new one could just come in. Worked a treat.”

It was hard to tell who was more horrified.

“You did what?” Wayne nearly yelled.

“Hacksaw Henry?” The name told you a lot but you needed to know more.

Eddie laughed again. “That’s been in there for almost two years,”

“Hells bells, you’re going to be the death of me,” Wayne said, flopping back down on his armchair and throwing the tooth across the room to Eddie.

“No, seriously, Hacksaw Henry?”

“He’s from the other side of the park. Watches too much T.V. and reads these weird medical journals. He’s Forest Hill’s resident quote unquote doctor,” Eddie told you while examining his old molar, remembering the day it was pulled from his jaw.

“You let him pull a healthy tooth?”

“Nah; I paid him to pull it. ‘Sides, the tooth wasn’t perfectly healthy. When the wisdom one started to break through, this one started to rot. See?” he explained, handing the tooth down to you.

You could see what he was talking about, but all in all, it still seemed like an insane thing to do.

“Cheaper than an actual dentist. Hurt like a bitch, but heard getting your wisdom teeth out does too. Skulled a six pack before to calm my jangled nerves… And voila…” Eddie added. “Honestly thought you’d find it sooner, old man… Guess Garfield isn’t your favourite?”

“You know those are the special ones,” Wayne said, pointing to that particular shelf of mugs.

“Can I keep this?” you asked, still studying the tooth.

Eddie looked at you and grinned wide. He loved that you wanted it. That you’d asked for it. He would have pulled all his teeth to give you a complete set if you’d use that soft voice again.

“Consider it your final present. Merry Christmas, babe.”

Forest Hills was loud and lit up with Christmas cheer. Once you and Eddie had retired to bed that night, you held each other under the covers.

“It’s weird we both went with jewellery,” he said, finishing the sentence with a kiss on your forehead.

“Great minds?”

“Great minds,” he agreed.

The stretch between Christmas and New Years was a strange liminal time for most people. As you and Eddie drifted to sleep, bruises from his lips leaving a trail from your neck to your underwear, your two great minds thought of that in-between space and what it meant for you both.

Next Chapter: Fireworks

End Note: RIP at Wayne sitting there while you and Eddie get all lovey dovey over a tooth lmaoooo. Also, If you’ve seen the episode of Bob’s Burgers where Bob starts talking to the bird and falling in love and shit, that’s the energy we were channeling here.

Fic Taglist: @ajeff855 @b-barnes04 @eddie-munson-is-a-sweetheart have you changed your URL? @nerd-squad-headquarters @word-wytch @harrys-tittie @munsonsmel0dy @sidthedollface2 @eddiethesexy @bardicfrustration @orpheusredux @munsonsgirl71 @a-time-for-wolvess @eddieswifu @rosaline-black @thegirlwhohides @emotionaldreamer @e0509 @briasnow-blog @kiyastrf94 @erinsingalong @rainylana @thescarletangelsstuff @mrsdollardog @tayhar811 @chickennug90 @b-irock @nana90azevedo @eddiemunson95 @akiratoro420

Eddie Taglist: @solomons-finest-rum @ruinedbythehobbit @munsonlives @sweetpeapod @depressooo-expressooo-blog @thorfemmes @hawkins-high @corrodedhawkins @grungegrrrl @lilzabob @mymoonisalways-in-scorpio @averagemisfit03 @ches-86 @ilovecupcakesandtea @onehotgreasymechanic @hazydespair @lacrymosa-24

[donnerpartyofone]

I can't believe I'm about to do this. I mean don't get too excited, it's not interesting, I'm just forced to talk about it because that's the only power I have in this stupid situation.

A couple weeks ago I was prescribed this new asthma medication, even though my problem is almost definitely from muscular-skeletal pressure but nobody can figure that out yet, so for now I just have this inhaler so I'm not constantly suffocating. The first time I took it at the recommended dosage I had a bad panic attack that took me out for an entire day. I reduced the dosage so I didn't feel dangerously insane anymore, but it still causes my fucking rosacea to go completely out of control, which is not really something I can just ignore; it drives me crazy that insurance companies just treat rosacea like it's some fancy cosmetic issue, as if it doesn't affect your entire life when your skin is visibly deteriorating at an escalating rate, but that's another story... So anyway I have a giant bag of medications that either didn't work at all or actively harmed me (my typical experience with everything) that I haven't disposed of yet, so I dug around in there for a tube of Rhofade that like I don't even know how I got it because it's the premiere celebrity-endorsed thing and it's psychotically expensive, but anyway I decided to give it another shot because I'm desperate. First couple days it worked great. I thought all my problems were solved, except that I'd have to find a way to keep paying for it. Then it seemed not so great for a couple days. Then things started to get pretty rocky. I wondered if it had to do with not being careful enough in the sun or what, but I started to worry about the medication, so I did something that will sound insane, but oh well.

Months ago I complained to my GP that I was having a hard time finding a "real dermatologist" in the city, as opposed to a salesperson for predatory beauty treatments. I've been treated pretty badly by a variety of dermos over 15 years, I often had the feeling that I was neglected because I had a medical concern as opposed to like an expensive anti-aging concern or something. Sometimes a dermo advertises themselves as a medical professional, but when you get there you realize they're a glorified beautician and you're fucked. I went to a well-reviewed practice that's now called The Dermatology Specialists several times, and every time there was a mad rush to get rid of me. The actual head of the clinic saw me a couple times, and both times he came running at me with a needle without telling me what he was doing, to try to lance a mole that I wasn't there to discuss. One of these was right over my eye and you can imagine how scary this was. I eventually realized I didn't have to take that shit and swore him off. Years later when I decided to look for a dermo in my new neighborhood, I made an appointment at a "new" place that I realized too late was the same guy; he had rebranded and expanded his thing into a giant chain that's all over the city, like half or more of the dermos in my searches are attached to his practice and it's not always obvious until the appointment is made. Fuck. I thought, maybe things will be different at this location, I'm seeing a new person and I'm the only one in the waiting room, seems pretty chill. I actually had to get a mole removed that time. I sat down with the new doctor who frantically explained what she was going to do to me before saying "OK BYE!!!" and racing out the door, which she had almost closed all the way behind her before she remembered that she still had to actually do the procedure. I couldn't believe I'd fallen for this clinic's bullshit yet again!

So that's when I talked to my GP and she wrote me a referral for what I took to be a real doctor. His office was clean, simple, and unpretentious. When I got there, an exiting patient was thanking the doctor profusely for something, like from the depths of his soul. We sat down together and he calmly denounced all the lasers and other expensive snake oil that had been upsold to me over the years. He told me to scale back to just a basic Aveeno face wash and moisturizer, and I was so relieved that he wasn't some greedy hipster asshole...however. He also told me that the active ingredient in Afrin, an OTC decongestant nasal spray, has the same effects as the top of the line rosacea medication Rhofade, and many of his patients have success just applying it to their skin. I was so impressed that he wasn't trying to sell me anything, and that he was empowering me to just take care of my own shit at home, that I believed him.

So flashing forward to the past week: I use this new inhaler that I need if I want to breathe, my face blows up like a bomb, I try Rhofade and it seems to make things worse...and then I buy some Afrin and put it on. It pretty much burned my face off my skull. My skin was purple and my face completely changed shape for more than 24 hours. I thought, at least I have this cold pack that's made for faces, for swelling from dental surgery and shit (it was recommended to me by my TMJ specialist who is also fucking with me right now but that's another story). I applied it, and it made everything a thousand times worse than it had ever been. I had to cancel all my plans. I took Tylenol, antihistamines, drank tons of water, whatever I thought would help. A colloidal oatmeal-based moisturizer kind of did something for me, but not remotely enough. It's a couple days later, now, and I'm still not completely over it, and I'm having random intense and painful flareups. I've never had exactly this problem before. And by the way "just using a moisturizer" has not helped anything at all this entire time, even though it's the advice I always get (sometimes VERY rudely) no matter what I say. Dry skin is not my problem, someone could tell just from touching it. Just being mindful of the sun and trigger foods and shit is not the answer. I know there's something else going on and like nobody cares to find out.

So anyway I'm having a followup appointment with my GP to explain all this...and in the meantime I'm going back to the fucking snake oil clinic. I just absolutely need something for right now, I don't know if it will be an antibiotic or what. I've spent years looking for a real medical dermatologist and I know I'm not going to just find one overnight, so I'm subjecting myself to more humiliation at the most convenient place, and I'll deserve whatever I get I guess. At least my appointment is with a guy I haven't seen before. Cross your fingers for me that he doesn't give me something else that just melts my face off of my face.

[zenaidamacrouras1]

15 questions for 15 friends

I got tagged by @voylitscope and @booksandabeer. Hello, I hope y'all are doing very well today.

Are you named after anyone? >>> Yes, my dad, being the third child, my parents thought this was amusing. I used to hate it (my relationship with my dad is COMPLICATED and my name is gender neutral, which as a more or less gender neutral adult, I like, but as a kid who felt really confused about gender, I did not).

I've grown into it. Our first and middle names are one letter different, but, fun fact, when I bought my house they spelled my name like his name on the deed and he briefly owned my house, I guess? I mean, I fixed the typo. I joked about it to the real estate agent people and they were like "your dad didn't actually own your house just because of this typo, you know that right?" and like yeah, I know, it's just funny.

When was the last time you cried? >>> I rarely cry, for whatever reason. I occasionally get a stoic, manful misting in my eyes or brief tightness in the back of my throat I have to swallow down while staring into the distance. It's probably not healthy, but I have bigger fish to fry. (and if I'm crying into my fish frying grease the tears will make the oil will pop everywhere, so we can't have that, this metaphor is getting confusing).

Do you have kids? >>> I do. I talk about them all the time because they are fun interesting people and also my pals.

What sports do you play/have you played? >>> My rebellion as a child was to not play sports, which I definitely regret, but I did do ballet for a long time, I was always a "back row" dancer e.g. the worst in the class but there's nothing wrong with spending a great deal of time doing something you're quite bad at. Anyway, I'm better at ballet than most people who never took lessons.

Do you use sarcasm? >>> No. (hahahahahahahahhhaaaa)

What’s the first thing you notice about people? >>> Ummm...vibes?

What’s your eye color? >>> Glowing red when I'm doing an evil spell, but otherwise blue.

Scary movies or happy endings comedies? >>> I almost never watch movies. What kind of movie is Lord of the Rings and The Winter Soldier? Those two, plus a few others.

Any talents? >>> I am good at making quick assessments and breaking down complex things into simple, easier to understand things, which, damn those ancient Greeks for always being right, is probably as much of a weakness as a strength. Also I have won a blue ribbon for quilting at a state fair which is very wholesome as I am a wholesome, stoic midwesterner.

Where were you born? >>> A very wholesome, stoic hospital in the rural midwest, surrounded by cornfields to the horizon.

What are your hobbies? >>> laying in bed and reading, walking places, sewing things, writing stuff, wishing everyone would leave me alone for ten damn minutes, feeling antsy when no one is bothering me.

Do you have any pets? >>> I just posted a picture of my cat. I didn't mention it there but she has bad eyesight and can't jump up to things, she often misses so just climbs everything or stays on the ground. It was great when she was an outside cat because she couldn't catch birds, though she would sometimes manage a snake and bring it in the house and leave it in the laundry basket.

How tall are you? >>> 5'11" but for what it's worth I'm the shortest person in my immediate family.

Favorite subject in school? >>> I really liked sociolinguistics classes in college. I liked art and biology and creative writing classes too. I like a lot of things. I like learning. I loved going to college. I'm a first generation college student and aside from the angst and bad attempts at romance and depression and anxiety and panic attacks, I really did feel lucky the whole time I was in college.

Dream job? >>> I need a job that helps people because I can only make myself do something boring if it I feel like I "owe" someone. I need a job that changes every few weeks so it is less boring. Both criteria I basically have, except I would like my current job to be less stressful and endlessly high stakes, except if it wasn't I would probably be bored, and also I would like fewer people that annoy me.

God I'm supposed to tag people now. What an absolute nightmare. Okay. I'm doing it. Don't hate me. @burberrycanary @msilverstar @bookgeekgrrl @fsbc-librarian @late-to-the-party-81 @blackwood4stucky @otpcutie

[thisgirlnamedblusy]

hiii!! i was wondering if i could make a request for a marilyn x fem reader one shot. where it’s their honeymoon and they go to the airport and the reader is being (only write if ur comfortable) clingy/horny. just mostly fluff and cute stuff but also maybe smut and hints of smut. thank youuu!! <3

Yess!!! Here it is!! I hope you like it!!! Sorry about the language mistakes

Delayed

Pairing: Marilyn Thornhill x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Fluff, slightly smut, slightly semi public smut

Word count: 1,604

Summary: You were at the airport to take the flight to your honeymoon, but it was delayed and you and your wife had to wait some more hours…

N/A: Requests are open!!! I love you all!!!!

“Delayed? What do you mean with delayed?” You asked desperately.

“I'm sorry Miss, but we have had some mechanical problems. Your flight will leave at 2:30 in the morning.”

“2:30 in the morning? Oh…” You said, resting your head on the counter.

Your frustration was understandable. It was not an ordinary trip, it was your honeymoon. The Hawaiian archipelago awaited you. With resignation, you looked at your wife with the face of having a panic attack.

“I think I'll call the hotel…” Marilyn told you, giving you a small pat on the back.

You sat on the benches in the middle of the room while the redhead called the fabulous hotel where you would spend the best week of your life.

“That's it, solved,” she said, sitting next to you. “Come on, (Y/N), don't worry, it's not that serious.”

“Ugh, I hate your optimism,” you whispered, crossing your arms. Marilyn laughed and placed a quick kiss on your lips.

“It's a 15-hour flight. Three more hours doesn't make much of a difference either.”

“It's not three hours, Mari, it's three hours at this airport. We've already been here for two hours and... Shit!” You said, remembering something that would make your time there more unbearable.

“What? What's going on, honey?” she asked, scared about your reaction.

“I have the laptop in my suitcase,” you said, pouting. Marilyn closed her eyes and kept from smiling too much. “And the suitcase is already on the plane. Damn…”

Your wife put her arm around your shoulders and pulled you closer to her. You were a girl who liked to have everything under control.

“I love you, (Y/N).”

“Me too… But I'm afraid love won't take us to Hawaii…” You said, exaggerating your disgust.

“You are a drama queen, honey,” Marilyn said, amused. You stuck out your tongue mockingly. “Close your eyes,” she asked you. You looked at her and frowned. “Come on, close them.”

You complied reluctantly, but without relaxing your indignant stance. You felt the redhead move closer to you and you felt her breath in your ear.

“Imagine, you and me, on the beach, with the sound of the sea waves…” She whispered to you softly. Your expression relaxed and you outlined a small smile. “With no one around us... Just you and me, watching the most beautiful sunsets from our suite, with champagne and soft music that says…”

“Passengers on the Burlington-San Francisco flight, board at gate 20, please.”

The airport public address system interrupted Marilyn's words, which were beginning to relax you.

“Damn. This is like hell,” you protested again. Marilyn snorted and massaged your shoulders gently.

“Relax, honey. I'm going to find something to eat. You stay here, and try to imagine the things I have told you, you will see how time goes by faster that way.”

“I'm not hungry,” you said with a childish tone. The redhead raised her eyebrows and put on her glasses, an unmistakable sign that she was going to disarm your complaints, as she always did.

“Oh, you’re not? It seemed to me that that restaurant with the sandwiches on the corner caught your attention... But if you don't want to...” She told you ironically. You sighed and shook your head. She got up, and just as she grabbed her bag, you grabbed her wrist.

“Club sandwich, with double bacon and a coke,” you said murmuring. She smiled and leaned down to kiss you again.

You loved exaggerating your anger. She would always do anything to make you feel better. That was one of the reasons why you married her. A life without her words reassuring you when you needed it would be hell even worse than being stuck in that airport.

“What about that guy over there?” You asked, taking a sip of your soda.

“Business trip,” your wife replied.

“What are you saying? It is clear that his trip is to see his lover,” you said.

Time passed slowly, and all you could do was play one of your favorite games, invent crazy lives for the people who were around.

“According to you, everyone is going to see their lovers,” Marilyn said, shaking her head.

“Well, it's the only reason someone would be here at 11 at night. Unless your flight has been delayed 4 hours,” you emphasized those words looking at the guy at the boarding counter. The poor worker looked at you with an apologetic smile. “Smile Tim, smile, you're on my blacklist,” you hissed.

Marilyn sighed and took something from her bag.

“Look, (Y/N), I bought this in case you wanted us to read it,” she said, handing you what looked like a guidebook.

“A Hawaii travel guide?” You asked, flipping through the book. “I don't think it gives us time to see everything there. I'm not going to let you out of bed.”

“I expected no less...” She murmured, picking up the book again.

Time passed and the few people that were at the airport were disappearing. You and Marilyn were reading about beautiful places that you would probably never visit. You yawned loudly and put your hand over your mouth.

“Are you sleepy, honey?” Your wife asked, caressing your cheek.

“A little…” She said with a sleepy voice.

“Lie down if you want, there is still time,” She said looking at her watch. You nodded and fell into her lap. Her caresses were the best of sedatives and you felt your eyelids weigh heavily soon. You weren't worried about missing the plane, you knew that Marilyn had a hard time sleeping, and she wasn't going to sleep there.

After a time that was impossible for you to calculate, you felt how a chill ran through your body and you opened your eyes, rubbing your body with your hands.

“My love, are you cold?” Marilyn asked. You shook your head and shifted to be more comfortable. “Wait a minute.”

The redhead reached into her bag and pulled out a blanket that was carefully rolled up.

“A blanket? Whose bag is that, Mary Poppins's?” You teased, gesturing for her to cover you with it.

“Yes, I stole it while she was flying with her umbrella,” she answered, passing that blanket over you.

You slept a while longer, but this time you weren't woken up by the cold, but by severe back pain.

“Shit… How uncomfortable is this,” you said, stretching and sitting back in your seat. She smiled at you and put the book down. “Wait, I have an idea.”

You took the blanket and pulled it over both of you. You put your backpack on the redhead's shoulder and leaned over her.

“Much better,” you sighed.

“Thank you, (Y/N), I was starting to get a little cold too.”

That short time you slept helped you to see things in a different way, and to tell the truth, you weren't that bad either, after all you were with Marilyn.

“Hey, Mari… Tell me again what we're going to do in Hawaii…” You said, settling on her shoulder, with your arms under the blanket. She smiled tenderly and leaned a little closer to you.

“You know... Sunbathing... Diving... Relaxing at the jacuzzi... Walking hand in hand on the beach...” She said softly.

Her voice tone made you blush a little and you took one of your hands to her leg.

“No, that's not what I mean…” You said with a teasing look, while you caressed Marilyn above her knee.

“What do you mean then…? Ah!” She said, surprised to notice how your hand kept going up until it reached her inner thigh.  “(Y / N), what are you doing?” She asked, looking around her.

“Me? Nothing…” You lied suggestively, placing your lips on her neck.

“(Y/N), we are surrounded by cameras. Ge, get your hand out of there…” She told you nervously. You shook your head, pointing at the blanket with your other hand.

“They won't see anything... Relax and hide a bit,” you said, at the same time that you reached to touch the fabric of her underwear.

“Ah, no, not here, (Y/N), it's too… Ahh,” she said, suppressing a groan. You laughed mischievously, looking to see if anyone was watching. Fortunately the place seemed deserted, at least your seats.

“You'll see how time goes by faster, Mari…” You whispered, intensifying your caresses. She was going to answer you, but your touch was faster and prevented any protest.

You pushed aside the cloth that was in your way and moved your hand slowly, but intensely throughout the area. Marilyn closed her eyes in resignation. She knew that when you were like this, there was nothing that could stop you.

“Oh, fuck, (Y N)… You're crazy,” she muttered between discreet moans.

“Yes, crazy about you, my dear wife…” You answered, inserting one of your fingers. The atmosphere got very hot, and even though you knew she was shy, you didn't seem to see her uncomfortable at all.

Her breathing quickened dangerously, and before her body began to move involuntarily, a public address announcement announced your flight.

“Shit,” you said, pulling your hand away and looking at your watch. “It just had to be now, I swear…”

“Oh, my God…” She said, clearly frustrated. “Come on, grab your stuff.”

“Calm down, Mari, I'm not going to leave halfway. I'll continue on the plane,” you said, taking your backpack and folding the blanket.

“I disagree, (Y/N),” she said amused, kissing you briefly.

“You love me, and you know it,” you mocked. She sighed and took your hand, on which the new ring sparkled.

“You don't know how much, (Y/N), you don't know how much…”

[slipshod-sawyer]

I don’t know but I feel like i have to put it somewhere?

Contains religious trauma and venting about Christianity thanks

I was raised on Christianity, Baptist to be exact, and then slowly my family gravitated into being non-denominational after a while.

I was maybe 10, going to bible club once a week, having fun with my friends, but with the terrible fear that I wasn’t being good enough for God.

A bit before i turned 11, my aunt told my mom that I was heathen and wasn’t good enough because I called my brother annoying. So i got even more worried.

From when I was 11-13, it got slightly worse. I started attending a more focused on God bible club and study twice a week, and it was okay for a bit. Eventually though, stuff was going downhill. I had a really bad stutter. Bad enough that I tried not to talk in public most of the time and was terrified of going anywhere where I would have to speak for myself.

My grandmother, who was no bible thumper really, but she was Christian, decided to tell me one day when I was 11 that my stuttering was because God was punishing me for being an evil and bad child, and that I was going hell for being so cruel and mean. I cried a lot, i think, and I almost had a panic attack at bible study the next day. It hurt, badly.

I had really bad anger issues, admittedly, and I know I should have tried to work on them, and I did sometimes, but I was still pretty bad. I was so terrified after that though that my stutter got worse and I was scared of trying to not stutter cause it would make me stutter more.

When I was 12, my club leader told me that I was a bully (i wasn’t, i don’t know where he got that from) and that God wasn’t going to be happy with me unless I stopped acting like i did. I then started trying to read the bible more and act like the other kids around me, and the few friends I did have stopped being friends with me due to being a “bully”. Mind you all, I was homeschooled, so these were the only times I had around other kids my age.

Right before my 13th birthday, I had a few months go where I thought I liked a girl. I got in trouble for asking about it and being online talking to other people who were thinking they did to. I was grounded for months and I was told that it was against the bible and God and that I was being stupid and would go to hell for even thinking I could like a girl.

Around the time I was 13, we were in zoom meetings since Covid was going around. We were reading Abraham and Isaac’s story and I wanted to cry on camera cause Abraham was willing to kill his child cause God said so. I remember asking my mother and she told me that she would never do that, and I was okay for a bit, until I heard my grandma disagreeing and I was crying again.

When I was 14, we had moved states and I was in a different bible club. The new leader lady said i needed to ask God before doing anything, any decision. If it was important enough for there to be a secondary option, i had to ask God. So I was terrified of every time I did something, trying to think and wonder if God was agreeing with the decision i made.

I started having panic attacks, stuttering more, I couldn’t even open the bible without seeing my notes and where I had written everything I had watch myself for. I was so so scared that I was going to hell for being horrible. I was terrified that I was going to do something wrong and end up in hell for being mean, not making the right decisions, liking a girl, or even for just stuttering too much.

When I was 15, my parents left Christianity for their own reasons. Me and my siblings stopped going to club and bible study, and my grandma died. I had nothing tying me to the religion anymore.

To this very day, I’m still terrified that I’m doing things wrong. That every time I look over my shoulder, a crack will open in the earth and I’ll end up in hell. Im scared that I’m wrong, and that I was really the problem. Every time a friend encourages me to heal and try reading the bible without someone else’s words in my ear, I have a panic attack trying to do so. Im terrified.

Alongside this, I have friends and people at school who judge me for not being Christian anymore, the ones who tell me I’m dramatic or stupid, the ones who tell me that i’m not listening. My own soccer team gave me weird looks when I wouldn’t pray with them before games because I felt like I was going to be sick, and one of them mocked me and almost cussed me out for “embarrassing her”.

I’m trying to heal, I’m trying to get over my trauma, but sometimes i worry if it’s really trauma or am I being dramatic and making it up in my head.

[sapphic-space-syren]

This is purely for my own satisfaction and I don't expect anyone to read it but

Below the cut is a letter I wrote in 2018 after 12 weeks of PTSD therapy. The trauma was caused by a romantic and sexual relationship I was in from ages 15-17 with someone a decade older. When I grew up, I was debilitated by shame and guilt, but my lovely therapist helped me realise that it wasn't my fault. This letter to my ex was incredibly cathartic and even though I wrote it 5 years ago, I think it still captures my feelings.

I never sent it.

Hello.

I know this is out of the blue and I'm sorry to dig up old ghosts. It's been over 2 years since I last heard from you and though I always intended on replying to your emails, I could never figure out how to articulate what I wanted to say and, when I thought I finally had it, my feelings would change drastically by the time I wrote it down. But if it's not too late, I think I've finally settled, and hopefully it will partially explain the delay.

When we were together, I thought I was experiencing the most extraoridnary love of my life. As a young teenager, it was all so much more exciting. It made the obvious problems easy to overlook and the breakup nearly impossible to bear.

But then the love faded and I was left with nothing but questioning guilt. It ate away at me for nearly two years, somehow growing more intense with the passing of time. I couldn't see your name without panicking and the idea of romantic or sexual interaction with anyone filled me with intense fear. I was too afraid to speak of this to a therapist; I couldn't bear the thought of them going to the police when I revealed the age difference, but finally it was just too much and I didn't care anymore whether authorites got involved.

When I told my therapist about the "past relationship" that was still bothering me, she immediately put me down for PTSD treatment. It seemed like a joke to me at first; I didn't feel badly enough to be traumatised. Nothing terrible had happened, I just had a few unresolved thoughts and feelings to deal with (and a rocky baseline mental state).

Those thoughts and feelings took more than four months to decipher. A whole semester where my grades plummeted and I had panic attacks (for the first time since I'd been hospitalised) because having to acknowledge and think about these uncomfortable truths I'd been carrying for years was just too much. I tried to drop out of uni and fly away from everything and never return. I realised that things which I had thought were maybe a bit questionable were actually much worse, and the things which had seemed fine at the time were deeply concerning. I'm afraid there are very few parts of the relationship I can look back on without feeling uncomfortable.

All those times I was consumed by love, I was overrun by the desperate need to prove myself good enough against a standard I couldn't hope to meet. I would have done absolutely anything if I thought it would make me more appealing to you, would disguise the fact that something was very wrong in our dynamic. The fear was paralysing, and each day only provided more evidence that I still wasn't enough, couldn't do what was expected of me in this partnership. I was failing. I didn't know what I was getting into, what it meant to be one half of an adult relationship. I didn't have the pre-requisite experience. As a high schooler, romantic entanglements meant affection and exploration; suddenly I found myself in a world of real-life stakes and I had neither the tools to manage them or the self-awareness to see them in the first place.

All this was subconscious, of course. At the time, I believed that it was normal, that all this frantic anxiety was just another symptom of unparalleled love. I tried to eliminate anxieties by getting rid of the apparent causes; I asked you not to tell me about your projects because they were more reminders that we were at different stages in life. Logically, it was ridiculous to expect that I, as a 16-year-old, could be working at the same professional level as someone with a decade on me. But acknowledging this would mean acknowledging how severe the gap between us was in maturity and experience and power. This acknowledgement of my inferiority scared me more than anything, so I tried to sweep the evidence under the rug. I made you my most important priority, above schoolwork and my friends, because I knew deep down that we were not equals and so in order to keep you I must work very, very hard to prove I deserved you despite my shortcomings. And keeping you was the most important thing because it was proof that I was exceptional somehow.

The result was I became completely isolated. I had no close friends, a difficult relationship with my parents, and lost my academic standing. My support system was gone, which almost certainly exacerbated the symptoms of emerging bipolar disorder. Thus, I became entirely dependant on you. I know this was very difficult for you, especially as my mental state grew more unstable, and I am truly sorry for the experience but I hope the reason is at least somewhat understandable. As time went on I became more and more alone and the necessity of keeping you, my sole support person, grew more urgent. I think I began to sense you drifting away toward the end and panicked because for nearly the last 2 years I had devoted my life entirely to you and without you I quite literally had nothing to show for myself, just a few distant former friends and a report card of failing grades; no chance of graduating high school. I think we can agree this is not how relationships of equals are supposed to work. As I've had more relationships with people my own age, the difference has only become more apparent.

I admit I can't really understand how this happened. I certainly looked up to you as an idol and mentor and had a crush borne of admiration, but I cannot imagine how you reciprocated. I am only 20 now but the idea of being romantically or sexually invovled with a 16-year-old seems impossible and disturbing and I am still so much younger than you were then. I know that at the time I tried to overlook the prominent gap, which I think is somewhat understandable behaviour for a teenager who thinks she has been singled out as a special case, but I find it less excusable in an adult. It was your responsibility. As time has passed, I've come to understand why age of consent laws exist and, though I laughed at them at the time, insisted that I was exceptionally mature for my age, I find myself wishing that they'd been able to protect me.

I realise this may sound accusatory. I'm not here for that; just to offer my last word, so to speak, like you did.

Thank you for your well wishes for my health. I actually recoverd very quickly and managed to graduate high school early (if you can believe it) thanks to some creative beaurocracy with the school district. Other than the PTSD, I haven't had an episode since 2015. Turns out my bipolar is mild; I don't think I would have deteriorated like I did if it weren't for the unlucky combination of being prescribed the wrong meds for a year due to misdiagnosis alongside other stresses. I'm hoping I can continue to be happy and successful with only minimal treatment.

Thank you for reading, if you've made it this far. I don't really expect a reply, but you can, if you want. For whatever reason. I'm willing to have a conversation but I understand if it's time to move on from all of it. I'm actually not sure you still use this email address. Regardless, I am glad to have finally responded even if it is nearly 3 years overdue.

bel

[thepinksteve]

Leon S. Kennedy Head Canons

THIS IS NOT FOR LEON FROM RE 2 ORIGINAL AND REMAKE. THIS IS FOR THE DBD VERSION OF DBD ! IF IT WAS FOR THE GAMES , IT WOULD BE VERY DIFFERENT

Entering the realm -- When Leon entered the realm , he was just happy he wasn't in Raccoon City anymore , only to meet a new enemy , Nemesis. His jaw was completely dropped when he first met the monster. Jill just hit his arm in a joking way as they watched Chris getting morried. Leon took off his badge for a week and stopped talking to Jill , Chris , and Claire for a month.

Leon also lost his shit when he met Wesker , then watching Chris get morried again. Leon proceeded to chuck his badge at Wesker , flip off Jill , and blow up on Rebecca.

“ He yelled at me.. Why ? I don't even know , something about knowing Wesker and it's my fault he's here. I don't know. Also, that was literally the first time we talked , ever. ” - Rebecca Chambers , 1 - 3 , 15 : 28 / 3 : 28 . Recorded by Zarina Kassir

Leon was forced by the Entity to do trials with the others , but only because he was so freaked out by them , it caused emotions and the Entity wanted that. She also didn't allow Leon to see Ada for a month , just to make sure he really missed her so that when she finally did show her. He would be extremely happy.

When he saw Birkin , he almost gave up. Him and Claire both gave up for a bit. Claire deciding to play along with the Entity's game after a week. Leon , took a month.

Relationships -- Leon tries his best not to romantically involved with anyone , including Ada. He tries to not see her as much as the Entity wants , she wants the emotions from the two , but to make sure she couldn't feed off of them. He avoids her at all costs.

Leon made a bunch of friends , only because he was from a famous video game franchise. The only ones who are his friends that don't know him from Resident Evil are David Tapp and Bill OverBeck. They are one , from different universes and two , they are sweet lil old men.

The other old men of the fog , don't care for the rookie. Such as Ace Visconti. Ace cares for no one expect MONEY !

Nemesis and Wesker -- The moment he saw Nemesis , was the moment he knew he was absolutely fucked. After he had calmed down from Nemesis , he met Wesker. They sat down and chatted , Wesker said something and Leon now refuses to go into trails with Wesker.

After Sable joined the realm , she was able to translate the beast , she asked Leon to sit down with Nemesis. The stars obsessed monster said something. Leon refuses to state what he said. He also refuses to go into trials with Nemesis.

Feng Min -- Leon was unlucky enough to meet Feng in his first official trial to the Entity's sick game. Leon is the only person who was allowed to stop having trials with Feng because of the traumatic event she caused him. Leon went into a panic attack for three hours , probably more if the Entity didn't take him out of the trail.

Feng Min started with saying how she was a huge fan and such , she then pulled out a fan fiction she made. He didn't get past the title. It was named “ Leon has a unexpected night with Mr X. ” Leon balled up and started crying and shaking.

Feng Min , after three months. Was finally allowed to be in trials with Leon again. She immediately got banned again after she showed him another fan fiction. He was able to get past the title this time , being told that it had nothing to do with him. It did , and Birkin.

Leon knows what the fans make about him -- The Entity shows Leon what fans of him say , make , and do with his character. She likes the reaction she gets out of him.

Continue the blood line -- Leon has refused trials with Chris but refused by the Entity , her already granting no trials with Feng Min. Although , the Entity did allow less trials.

Whenever Leon does get a trial with Chris , he gets told. “ Continue the blood line Kennedy. ” Leon doesn't understand what it means , and it scares him.

[god-goals-growing-glowing]

Anxiety.

Around this time of the year, I seem to always get a flare-up of my anxiety. I do not know if this is because I know that I will be starting a new semester of school soon or because of the holidays and seeing family members I do not see often or if it is just a random spurt of anxiety that maybe has no meaning behind it at all. Either way, I have it and it sucks. It sucks to not be able to feel like yourself. I know anxiety can manifest in many different ways for people, but these are just my symptoms. I start off by feeling off and not myself, when I notice this is when I feel my heart start beating really fast. After that, I feel like I am not in my own body and begin to disassociate. (disassociation simply means feeling disconnected from yourself and the world, feeling like it is unreal) Then I feel extremely dizzy, almost like I am going to pass out and I am unable to do anything for the rest of the day. Anxiety can ruin your day, your week, and your life.

However, there are some practices I use to stop my anxiety before it fully comes on and/or help calm me when I am in a full-blown panic attack. I want to be able to help others that feel this way and are not able to control it because I know first-hand how helpless you can feel. If you follow some of these practices below, you will be able to get a hold of your anxiety and no longer feel like it controls every aspect of you.

Breathing exercises. Box breathing is one of my favorites where you inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and so on. A diagram will be below.

Meditation. This has been a game-changer in taking control of my anxiety. I do a short 10-minute guided meditation every morning because it combats anxiety before it even begins. You can look up any calming 10-minute guided meditation on YouTube and watch how your days transform.

Exercise. I seriously see such a difference in how anxious I am throughout my day or week depending on if I got some sort of exercise in every day. This could even be as simple as a 15-minute walk, but it works wonders.

Grounding Exercise. This is for when you either feel yourself going into a panic attack or you are already in one. You look around for 4 things in each category: see, touch, hear, and smell. This exercise gets your mind off of your anxiety. A diagram will be below.

These are just a couple of things I use to combat anxiety and take my power back. I hope these help :)

[beskad]

.

Soooooooooooo I LOOOOOOVE when all of my suffering was caused by exactly the things I suspected and said were causing it but was repeatedly told by doctors that I was incorrect about

Hey doc, I literally can't "work out." In addition to that being a really triggering concept because my family (who I was literally locked into my home with 24/7 thanks to completely unregulated fundamentalist Christian homeschooling) bullied me relentlessly for being the "fat" one (at only 130lbs and 5ft 5in at the time) - I get nauseated and almost throw up, or I get faint and I black out. OR I literally just cannot physically draw breath at all because my lungs are burning and my heart rate is 195bpm and then one of the two previously mentioned things happens...

And, lo and behold

LMAO. IT WAS ASTHMA. LMAO. SEVERE PANIC ATTACKS. LMAO. CHRONIC FATIGUE. LMAO. PHYSICAL SIDE EFFECTS OF THE 8 DIFFERENT MENTAL HEALTH MEDS THEY KEPT PUSHING ON ME EVEN WHEN I BEGGED THEM TO STOP BECAUSE THE SIDE EFFECTS WERE SO AWFUL AND I EXPERIENCED NO RELIEF OF DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS ANYWAY.

And I had to slowly figure all of this out myself over 15 years because doctors absolutely would not help me. They did not believe me. They never believe me. I've seen 14+ doctors in 2 different states. ONE doctor did do a heart monitor patch for several weeks last November because I was like hey. I literally feel like I'm dying. But the arrhythmia was within "normal" limits apparently.

(turns out, it was a side effect of lamictal exacerbating my existing issues, which I only know because it COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED after discontinuing meds)

Like, I had mono in February 2019 and it took 3 visits before I could convince someone to do a test for mono. THREE. VISITS. THREE DIFFERENT DOCTORS.

When you're that sick, it takes more than you even have to be able to get to a doctor at all. Nevermind the financial burden, even when you do go, they never listen so it takes multiple visits with multiple people before anyone will do anything. PLUS I have to save up spoons from the day before, use all my spoons day of, and borrow spoons from the next day just to get to the appointment.

I am now almost exactly 3 months out from discontinuing the last disastrous mental health medication I was on. One that caused nerve pain and emotional numbness, and if I missed a dose by even a few hours: uncontrollable crying fits and 3-day-long episodes of suicidal ideation. Without fail. All without any remission of my symptoms.

I've been on zoloft, prozac, remeron, wellbutrin, cymbalta, lamictal, several others that I can't even remember now, since 2016 with no improvement. I finally fucking had it and carefully discontinued my gradual step-down of lamictal in mid-may. I finally feel almost like a real human being.

I still wake up tired and sore, but it's like I've been clipped by a Toyota Corolla, not hit head on by a freight train.

I still have very little energy, but I'm able to see friends once or MAYBE even TWICE??? a week now. I play co-op videogames at least once a week.

That was unimaginable 2 years ago.

Anyway I'm just. I'm so mad that I've been so ignored by medical professionals. I'm so mad that I've literally had to trial and error shit myself and beg and beg and beg for help just to be ignored. And to realize, in the end - oh. It was asthma. (I only got prescribed the inhaler because I was having post-covid breathing issues, they wouldn't even evaluate me otherwise!!!!) oh, it was panic attacks. Oh, the side effects of my meds were more severe than just tearfulness. Yikes.

[madness-descent]

tw: self harm; suicide; depression; grief; sex; alcohol

cool i think now i have a place to talk without judgment because twitter is totally off limits i guess??

but anyway i just wanted to vent a bit about how im doing lately because i just feel extremely alone even if im surrounded of people

i mean, i lived by myself and then my friend came to live with me after some happenings. and dont get me wrong, its been fun and helpful to have someone else around but as times pass i just feel we dont have the same pace you know

we have some conditions in common like adhd but even then we work differently, as you would expect from two different people right

but on top of that i deal with severe depression and anxiety, and a recently discovered autism just explained half of my life and a big part of my problems growing up

and this is a constant state of slowly getting better and just brutally falling again and again and again. except now i just feel i hit rock bottom or at least almost. it also looks like im being a problematic teenager but im literally a whole grown ass adult and it makes me feel so lesser than for having this kind of problems nowadays when i tried so hard to be the perfect child for my parents, not have any issue that would make me look like "those" teens at school

i feel horrible, i feel lost, i feel alone and i feel like a lost cause altogether

when i was younger like preschool or something i was so certain i would live past 15 for ???? whatever reason. so you might understand my face when i realised i had a whole life to figure out in three years.

and in three years my depression got worse, i had terrible problems with an older guy at school abusing me, i dropped out of school, wasnt nearly as admired and recognised as i was so hard trying to be. like not to mention the famous daddy issues and my desperate attempts for attention and father/male validation, which got me into a bunch of dangerous situations

but now thinking about my past weeks and months... i really just feel i have no salvation whatsoever and i wish i could just;;;;; not exist right now

when i thought things were finally coming together a little bit, my boyfriend dies in january and i sunk oh so low... it's like the whole world falling apart right below my feet and suddenly not absolutely anything has meaning no more

grief a long ass road but god it is a fucking hill

and now i find myself facing grief and a house to administrate and a job to work well at and a relationship with my friend to maintain

and then we get to how we have a different pace... she's the unorganised adhd but gets boosts of energy and cleans everything to make herself feel better. i on the other hand am kind of unorganised but it's of more a question of not cleaning than messing up. which serves nothing when you have to work together to maintain a house and a relationship

but a big part of my time is consumed by being too depressed to clean the house, too depressed to wash the dishes, too depressed to eat, too depressed to shower, too depressed to get up from bed. and i think it's something you can't really get when you don't have depression as well yk

recently we had so many arguments about me not helping, leaving everything for her to do, that we can't wait for me to magically have strength to do my chores. and dont get me wrong she's real understanding but i feel like she just cant get this part. i mean dealing with adhd she also has her moments of hyperfixating on something and not doing anything else for the whole day, which i kind of have too but she now takes meds for it. she can get out of bed, she can have the energy to shower. i dont.

like i take three different meds but they help with such a small part of me that my hardest chore every single day is literally getting out of bed. and i just cant help it

then i had a shutdown and anxiety/panic attack at work about all this stuff and how i dont have my most intimate and closest person anymore. i dont get to share anymore when im happy or sad, or tell about my day, ask about his day, share our horny moments and just solely having someone to talking about almost everything. i just dont have him anymore and it makes me want to die it makes me want to kill myself just so we can be together again.

we will never share any of those moments anymore and it's also kind of his own fault. dying of something preventable, dying of something you were warned about. even when i asked so much for him to take care of himself and dont leave me alone.

and now he's not here anymore and i cant even hate him for it because i still love him so much. it feels like my heart has been ripped apart, like something just bit off a huge part of me that i will never have back

it makes me lose even more of the strength i didnt even have in the first place

now i came to a point where i got so impulsive and reckless i got to talk to strangers online in a way too unhealthy way, looking for someone to meet and fuck or something ??????? getting to the point i drank hiding and my head is like spinning and i feel real insane.

and i thought why not and gave it a try and decided to cut myself. and if felt oh so good. i felt so euphoric like i was invencible, and it made me feel more horny and more excited and more incredible at each cut. i just wanted more

now it's when i find someone to meet right that moment. past midnight. and i did as quietly as i could, i got up, cleaned the mess i left behind me, dressed up and off to meet a total stranger i went

the first moments were everything i wanted at that moment. having my needs met and having sex with a stranger, feeling the last moments of the alcohol and the euphoria from the cuts still burning in my veins

but i needed to go to the bathroom.

and it was at that moment when i looked at me below the bright light that i realised what i have done to myself. and i got anxious. now i needed to leave but i couldnt explain why because he never noticed the scars, or at least didn't mention it.

and it goes with the classic: i ask him not to get mad that i needed to leave, but he wanted more. it's not like i dint want to give, but i just couldnt continue like that. and he pushes it til the moment the cab arrives and he needs to open the door for me because it's a dead end. but he is visibly mad, dont even look at me and dont cares about giving me goodbye anymore. it made me scared at the moment but i went anyway

and i got home. walking in dead silence. put my home clothing again, put everything in it's place again and go try to sleep to pretend it didnt happen, with an unprescripted slightly higher dose of my sleeping meds than i was supposed to take

now it's just another low day where i tell my friend i did something bad and show her my legs, then she keeps a watch on me the rest of the day. she was understanding, she was caring, but i dont think she got my motivations

and now im back at being non verbal and not doing anything and not having strength to get up, to do my chores, anything. playing videogames the whole day to pretend i didnt just fucked up in all senses and trying to pretend i dont exist

but now it's time to go back to work. i mean, her, bc i have been on medical leave this whole time.

and it's her doing the chores again, going to the market, making the food, taking care of everything and being stressed and angry at me again for it

but the thing i want you to understand is that it's not because i stopped being non verbal that i stopped feeling like shit

i still have severe depression and i still can't "just do" things. i cant. im trying but i cant

and if feels so lonely because i don't have someone i can talk about this anymore

yeah i do therapy, yeah i go to a psychiatrist. i have lots of good friends that care about me, or so they say, but it's just not the same thing. i have a hard time maintaining regular communication with my friends and i cant just start trauma dumping someone, especially when most of my friends also deal with their on mental stuff and such

and it's not easy to simply open up and tell her about this, even if she says i can count on her for this. i cant just tell her that i believe we're better off apart because it's difficult.

and it's not that i dont like living with her, but our paces dont match and there's nothing i can do about it because it's not a question of simply wanting to do something

is being able to

and im not

yes if she wasnt here i wouldnt be eating, and showering, and washing the dishes, i wouldnt be doing anything but what im trying the most now that is at the very least check on my cats and give them food and water and clean their litter box at the very least once a day.

now the worst part is knowing it's not over. and i will certainly do it again, because i want to do it again

im trying to but i want so bad to cut myself again and be able to feel good once more, feel a that euphoria coming back

also now that i think of, after breaking this barrier of not self harming, im just so close to being able to commit suicide. this suicide i have been idealising and planning for years now. waiting for it, yearning for it.

and i have the means to.

anyways if you read everything thank you for your crumb of attention. drink water and be safe.

i also would like to specify that i dont (maybe yet) participate in self harm communities and i dont support them: because not a single person should feel they need to go through this and do these things to themselves.

bye.