#And it is my personal opinion that skipping that bit was a mistake.

[candied-cae]

"Izzy's appearances in 2x03 with Stede were some of the only times I could stand him." - Allow me to further explain

I want to preface this with "I know." I know I was not an Izzy Enjoyer during Season 1 and I know I wasn't really looking forward to a redemption arc for his character because I was worried it wouldn't be taken seriously enough, since this show is a comedy. And, so far, I feel like I was right. His forgiveness feels rushed to me, and Stede's adverse reactions to him are the only times where it felt like this was in fact Izzy Hands from season 1 and not a guy with the same name and face but with a clean record and softer disposition.

The instances where Stede is put in Izzy's proximity are the only ones that really make sense coming out of Season 1. As far as we see, a few months has passed and pretty much everyone on The Revenge has forgiven Izzy for the simple reason that they can tell Ed is taking a little extra of his anger out on him. We see no apologies made, we see no kind gestures, we see no really complex stuff about him realizing he fucked up.

They skip right to his breaking down and the rest of the crew picking up the pieces behind Ed's back, even though for most of them Izzy was their torturer at least twice before all on his own.

So it felt weird and jarring that he seemed completely washed free of his "sins" of the last season, especially since it happened right there in the first episode. I wish the production team put more time in making Izzy "earn" the kindness the crew affords him, but I digress. The interactions Stede has with Izzy feel the most right (to me) and I adore how much character work we can pull from them.

(In agonizing detail by going over every word of dialogue and expression exchanged between them, you've been warned.)

The first time they address each other, goes as follows:

"Bonnet. Good to see you." "Piss off, Izzy. I don't wanna hear from you."

With Izzy approaching Stede without reason and speaking first. He limps on over and opens up with something polite almost. But when it comes from Izzy Hands - the man who personally insulted Stede, insulted all his favorite activities, insulted his crew, challenge him to duel and skewered him through the side, went on to call on Calico Jack and the Royal English Navy to take down The Revenge, who stole his crew and ship after he'd been arrested, and Stede's clearly got suspicions that Ed's behavior was influenced by him - that greeting is a slap in the face.

It's that kind of fake sweet pretend-we're-friends-for-the-sake-of-social-graces thing that Stede left behind on the mainland.

So he just tells him to leave. That he doesn't care what he has to say if it isn't information, and even if it was, Stede doesn't trust what Izzy shares.

And Izzy's a little caught off guard by that reaction. We see him sort of sway and look to the side. He looks rejected, which he is. And it's the first time all season that someone hasn't really let him have a fresh start (except for Ed). It's the first time anyone's tried to hold him accountable for the litany of things he'd done to the crew in the last season. Events that seem to have taken place only weeks/months before.

The second time Izzy speaks up, he does so to tease:

"What about my painting? Why was it all stabbed up?" "That was me." *sighs*

Izzy puts on a smile and leans his head back a bit. He's try to act proud and sort of snarky, since Stede isn't playing with him like they did previously. So, he tried to goad him into saying something. Into getting snippy or bitchy in return. He's trying to push Stede into giving him something to work with.

Because if people talk to him, and they play his games, and they soften up, that's how (it seems) he's been able to win them over and get into folk's good graces.

But Stede doesn't give. He doesn't want to play Izzy's mind games. He doesn't want to volley a few insults back in forth until it's fun. He doesn't want to give Izzy any of his time or attention or energy, because Izzy doesn't deserve any of it to him.

Stede walks away, and we see Izzy's expression freeze and fall. He's stuck and confused, because he thought that was a good move. He thought that one was going to get a reaction. And maybe that's how he's always gotten people to talk to him, by pushing them into a retaliation, but it doesn't work.

What's the quote? About how hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is? Stede is being indifferent to Izzy's presence, and that's doing more to Izzy's feelings than if he outright hated him.

The third time they interact, Izzy's followed Stede into the captain's quarters and jokes:

"Don't cry, Bonnet. We just redecorated." "I don't mind, actually. I think the knives really help bring the place together."

Again, he's tried to push Stede's buttons. Playing on already used jokes that Stede's too posh and soft to, say, appreciate something like a dozen knives thrown/stabbed into the walls and ceiling of his cabin.

He's teasing, on the edge of calling Stede a cry baby, either just to see if it'll work him up, or if that's the only way he knew how to start their discussion. But again, Stede isn't playing with him. He brushes past the implied insult and moves to something more like "I don't care" in response.

Instead, turning his attention back to the subject of Edward Teach. Because he knows the crew were all dodging the question and he knows Izzy would have to know what happened to Ed.

During that same conversation they pivot to more serious matters:

"What'd you do with him? I know he wouldn't have left by choice." "I know you think you understand him-" "He was either going to watch the world burn or die trying. So which was it?" "Alright, Bonnet. Have it your own way. He went mad. He tortured the crew. He took my fuckin' leg 'cause I dared to mention your fuckin' name. He was a wild dog, and we dealt with him like one." "You sent him to doggy heaven." "No, I could never do that. We deserted him on a beach. Left nature to do the rest. More than he would've done for us. You and me did this to him. And we cannot let this crew suffer any more for our mistakes." "Why would they suffer?" "If your captain senses mutiny, she'll kill us all. That's pirate code."

The most notable expressions during this conversation are Stede's who almost seems to wince when Izzy says Ed retaliated against him over mentioning Stede's name, his defeat when he believes Ed was killed in mutiny, and his concern about making sure his crew will be spared.

These are feelings that are barely about Izzy, and mostly about the fact that Stede is taking on a lot more blame than he's saying. He feels a lot of the responsibility for what's happened (further exemplified by him cracking to tell Zheng Yi Sao that he should've told Ed how he felt and avoided all of it). And this is the first time Izzy really gets anything out of him from all his poking and prodding he does in the episode.

And though Stede is convinced that Ed was simply marooned and it's its own kind of tragedy and means there was somewhere to go to try and get him back, Stede worries about saving his crew first. He pleads with Zheng Yi Sao and even wins her over until Auntie finds Ed's "body."

After that revelation, Izzy's in The Red Flag's brig and only says:

"Go on, Bonnet. Give me your worst."

And Stede says nothing. He looks at him. He hears what he has to say. But he doesn't do anything. Nothing except having to physically push himself off the bars to walk away.

And again, we can tell there's blame he's assigned to himself for it.

It's a little bit his fault that Ed's "dead." It's a little bit his fault the rest of his crew is going to be executed. It's a little bit his fault, and it's a little bit Izzy's. He knows so, because Izzy said it to him himself. "You and Me did this to him." And Izzy huffs, gives him permission to fly off the handle. To pour his rage and grief all over Izzy, to retaliate with words or with blades.

Izzy would take it. Whatever Stede was going to give him, he was going to take it. Just like he was trying to make him mad earlier, Izzy was still grappling for something. For acknowledgment. For something in his last moments before an entire career of piracy ended at The Pirate Queen's behest.

But Stede gives him nothing.

And that hurts worse. That brings tears to his eyes. That settles in the quiet idea of "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" that cuts so much deeper.

And the last time Izzy tries for anything, he tries being grateful:

"I just wanted to thank you for-"

But Stede still doesn't listen. Doesn't even let him finish thanking him.

Even though he went as far as to save Izzy's life along with the rest of the crew (he could've struck him down or declared he was unwelcome to join them back on The Revenge if he really wanted to), he still hadn't earned acknowledgment. Hadn't deserved pity or anything else. He doesn't even deserve to stand next to Stede and fluff his ego, as far as Stede seems concerned.

Stede hasn't forgiven Izzy. And maybe it's because he feels there's nothing to forgive, it's mostly Stede's own fault- maybe it's because he blames him too much and will never let it go- maybe he's too hurt to feel anything but tired and sad once the immediate danger has passed... Izzy doesn't know.

What he does know, is that he has tried everything to get reactions out of Stede. Everything except apologizing. So, I'm personally hoping for an apology in the upcoming episodes. For some vulnerability and truth and embarrassment. Because these are the beats of a redemption. These are the plot points of turning your life around, and people either don't believe it's genuine at first or don't care.

This is the "cost" of Izzy's actions in Season 1. And it's something they haven't given us from anyone else yet. I'd also really like Ed to make some kind of address of the fact ("You wanted Blackbeard as dark and demanding as he could possibly get, I gave that to you"). Because that's how a redemption arc works best. The guy who fucked up has to put in an effort expressly to be forgiven.

To me, it's not enough that his life sucked for a couple months and he didn't get exactly what he wanted (aka, he didn't realize he didn't actually want it like that) and he lost a leg. He's going to keep pirating on one foot, but to receive a position on The Revenge happily shared, there needs to be something more.

More OFMD

[k0juki]

Hiii, I'm LOVING how you write Joost! Would you mind writing an

Jealous

Joost?, like, he's this chill, funny dude 99.99999% percent of the time but maybe, on a bad day perhaps? He gets jealous of a guy, maybe friend from work who got *too* close, or a friend of yours whom you've been spending too much time with him?

In my personal opinion, joost would be the type of clingy jealous, who would want cuddles and reassurance.

Feel free to ignore this if you want!!!

🍨

😲 A/n: I skipped a lot of other's requests just because of this one. I LOVE jelous prompts.

Jealous

Joost Klein x fem!reader

English is not my first language, so feel free to point out any mistakes or errors!

Wc: 411

---

Joost leaned back in his chair, a smirk playing on his lips as he cracked another joke, effortlessly charming everyone around him. He was the epitome of chill, always the life of the party. But today, something felt off. And it was because of that guy.

He watched you chat carelessly with Mark from work, his easy smile faltered just a fraction. Mark was a nice guy, sure, but lately, he seemed to be encroaching on Joost's territory. Maybe it was the way Mark's laughter mingled with yours a little too easily, or how he seemed to always find a reason to linger around you.

Joost tried to shake off the feeling, reminding himself that you were just friends with Mark. But as the evening wore on, his jokes became a bit more forced, his laughter a touch more strained.

And when Mark suggested grabbing drinks after work tomorrow, Joost's grip on his beer tightened just a little too much, his smile now tinged with a hint of jealousy. That was his last straw.

"Drinks with Mark, huh? Sounds like a blast." Joost said, his tone a mix of sarcasm and bitterness. He tried to mask his jealousy with humor, but the tension in the air was palpable.

You glanced at Joost, eyebrows raised in surprise at his sudden change in demeanor. He caught your gaze and quickly plastered on a fake smile, but the unease lingered.

"What is that? Are you jealous?" You asked because you never had the opportunity to see Joost jealous. Never.

"Me? Jealous? Hahah...no." He muttered the last part. Of course you knew he was jealous, everyone could see it on him.

"Yeah, sure, so you won't mind it then, right?" That was a trap and he knew it, but he also didn't want you, his girlfriend, to go somewhere with this guy named Mark.

"Yeah, I would have mind. Don't go near him." Joost said and sat extremely close to you. He put his arms around you and started giving you light kisses. Showing everyone that you're his. Not Mark's, but His.

"I won't." You laughed, "I was just teasing you." You pointed out as his kisses were tickling you.

"I know, but don't do that." Joost answered and threw an angry face to Mark. And let's just say that Mark didn't brothered you for the rest of the night, and if he did, Joost was here to remind him who was in charge.

---

Don't copy or translate my work! Also the picture is not mine! Credit goes to owner!

[takes1]

final part. bratty tsukishima x manager!reader enemies to lovers

thank you for all the kind words on this series!! fell in love with writing again and the support really helps me stay motivated! hit up my requests to lmk what else ya'll might wanna read from me!

warnings. heavy nsfw. minors DNI

details. nsfw / semi-public sex / safe sex! / m. first time / implied exp. reader / f. receiving oral / almost m. oral / mentioned handjobs / time skip / tsukki has horrible stamina / tsukki figuring out condoms / tsukki needing his glasses / needyshima / 3.5k

🤍 kei series. part one -- four here

more links. my ao3, my other stuff. request box

"What? You don't have to do that!"

Honored that the team as a unanimous entity agreed that you shouldn't clean and lock up the gym yourself, you blinked away the unexpected backlash.

You turned to Daichi, unable to buck up the courage to address everyone, "It's really not a big deal. You guys need to rest before this thing, I want all of you to get home as soon as you can."

He turned it over in his head a few times, looking to Suga for a second opinion, while most others insisted that they didn't want you staying longer.

They all had their personal reasons. Most were only doing it to be polite, but there were also a number of idiots that wanted to train for much longer than they should be allowed to.

Logic won out and soon you were twirling the keys around your finger, waving goodbye to the most disheartened Hinata you'd ever seen.

"You can come out," You called to Tsukishima after securing the closed doors.

He blended right out of the crowd earlier, sneaking off to the gym closet before anyone noticed his absence. It was pretty impressive how he managed to go so overlooked at his height.

From the clacking and banging that ensued beyond the closet entrance, you could only imagine he must've buried himself under some tricky supplies to remain hidden.

These desperate measures weren't commonplace; your parents were gone often, so most of the risque endeavors were kept to your bed. You made the mistake of going to his house only once, and thankfully were (mostly) clothed when his brother barged in.

When you approached, he was kicking a bucket off of his foot with the grumpiest frown on his face. It only deepened as you laughed at him.

"Ooh, was that tough?" You teased, taking his attitude-stricken face in your hands.

He rolled his eyes and let you pepper him with a few quick kisses.

"It was your idea," You reminded him, trying to make him maintain eye contact.

Neither of your homes had been a good option to see each other in lately. For a week, it was just studying together in public spaces. Though the normalcy was nice, you were both itching after the end of every practice to really 'see' each other.

His eyes flickered to match your gaze, but it was gone in an instant because he stole your lips for a gentle, long-awaited kiss. His body melted into yours, features relaxed when you pulled away.

He let you pull him back deeper into the closet, but not without some payment in return. It wasn't exactly a sexy place to be.

"This is-," You said between rushed, indecent kisses, "Pretty exciting," Your hand caught on a pile of heavy gymnastics mats to catch yourself from his clumsy pushing, "Isn't it?"

The presence of the mat did give him some ideas. Maybe it wasn't so bad.

With a bit of tantalizing force, he picked you up and smushed you against the only bare wall in the closet. Your tummy tightened and you locked around him with an uncontrollable moan.

There were a lot of things he thought to say, but didn't dare ruin how hot that was with his, at the worst of times, mood-ruining comments.

You nonverbally thanked him with a roll of your hips on his strained cock and a bold tongue against his own. He felt heavier on you, clawing at your ass under your shorts, a low groan just barely tangible against your mouth.

His tendency to get lost in these small things held the romantic in you captive- while also tending to your more animalistic impulses.

He just wanted more and more of you, and couldn't ever get enough.

It was because of this that you found it so difficult to wriggle out of his grasp, even though it was clear you were trying to take your shirt off.

You chuckled at his uncoordinated grabbing, nuzzling against your hair, and eventual drop to his knees when you unclipped your bra.

On his way down, he removed his soaked shirt off and cast it aside.

From this height he could offer his hands and mouth much easier. He never envied shorter men until he started getting neck pain from kissing you all the time.

His hands took up so much of your chest it looked a bit funny to you. At least for a moment. He pressed the flat of his tongue to a sensitive bud and sighed some preoccupied satisfaction through his nose when he sucked a kiss to the other.

His eyes were fierce and hard to look at when he was ever beneath you, it always sent a chill down your spine.

You bit back many a-sound to not let it all go to his ego too quickly. Despite this, he felt your excitement through your rapid, uneven breathing and relished in it anyway.

The imaginative idea of being on his knees was new to you-- and it gave you a good opportunity to introduce a growing interest of yours.

He was of course grumpy to be directed back up to stand.

It came out mostly in the form of his arms catching you before you could replace him on the floor.

"What- What are you doing?" His cool demeanor failed horribly.

You craved to see the way he got all huffy and sensitive again at your touch. The furthest you'd gotten so far regarding his pleasure were two brief hand jobs.

A gentle, yet firm rub of your palm on his clothed erection eased his doubt. His hold twitched into something softer and his chest puffed out.

"Relax, Tsukki," You cooed with a small peck to his jaw, "I just wanna try something."

He had horrible stamina, it felt quite complimentary to your abilities. You wanted to see how long he'd last when you were actually trying. He slowly allowed you the freedom to drop down to your knees.

There was just one problem.

He was so far away in this position. Not even just his head, which really did look like it was a mile up- but his hips were not where they needed to be.

His legs took up so much of his height, you were shocked to just now be noticing.

Confused, yet determined to make this work, you tugged on him.

"I'm... not squatting," Tsukishima bit back the humor bubbling beneath the surface just for you.

He watched you glance around the room for anything to put under your knees. A bit disinterested in finishing too quickly, he didn't allow you much time to think beyond a few more unproductive seconds.

"Probably for the best," He muttered, brought you up to stand, and glanced over your impossibly cute disappointment, "'M too sweaty for that."

It was a fair reason to be hesitant, but did nothing to ease your dismay. It was short-lived though, because his fingers flitting over your ribs gave a new intensity to your better-hidden desire.

He stepped between your legs and leaned forward, forcing you to take a stumbly step back. The back of your knees hit the heavy stack of training mats and left you no option but to sit.

For all you knew, his excuse could've been a clever cover-up to get to his preferred method of foreplay.

If there was anything he picked up the best from your weeks of scattered and fervent physical rendezvous, it was eating you out. The pride of making you cum on his tongue completely consumed him for the days following.

It was so strong at practice that Kageyama would often identify his newfound, difficult confidence in a series of angry disputes.

"You should lay down," Heavy-lidded eyes flickered over that validating look on your face that told him you just couldn't wait to be under his skilled tongue.

You fell into a rhythm whenever his courage found him again; once he believed he was good at something, he put 100% of his effort into it. This was, to your delight, one of those lucky instances.

Warm, wet, rushed kisses over your tummy preceded the skilled and subtle slide of your shorts and panties to the floor.

He knew what you liked. A rough grip around your thighs and a gentle, teasing kiss over your sex.

"So wetalready," He mumbled against you, prepping you for that addictive slide of his tongue from your entrance to your clit.

"A-ah," You failed to bite back a broken sound.

A combination of embarrassment to eclipsing pleasure left your thighs flexing against his grasp.

At the foreign feeling of something a bit hard, a bit uncomfortable, you realized--

"You're-- mmn-, glasses," You tried to communicate.

Completely deaf and unconcerned with the process or any words that didn't express how good he felt, he let your shaky, clumsy hand remove them.

He knew how to be just cocky enough to make you squirm. This gentle, endearing action inspired him to start swirling some soft circles around your clit.

"God," You choked, "That's soo fucking good..."

You rested them next to you and opted for your fingers in his fluffy blond hair.

It did help him, though. He felt them getting a bit crooked when he started, but didn't want to let you go and interrupt his flow. Now he could lean more freely.

Another rough kiss and your body curled in response- he kept your thighs, despite their straining, where he wanted them.

"Mm-!" You whined at his strength and tenderness all at once. Your mind couldn't help but wonder how that translated to his cock.

It must've been tough, since most of your bedroom activities centered around making out, eating you out once he fell in love with it, and the couple of times you made him cum with just your hand in record time.

Little to your knowledge, he was committing your visits to memory by getting off before and after. Not to mention nearly every morning now, and after the practices you couldn't be with him after. It was a pretty chronic addiction.

He lapped up the excess wet and used it as extra, completely unnecessary lubrication for his gentle, steady assault on you.

It edged you so close to finishing you had to tug him up by the roots.

"Tsukki- a-ah, I'm-,"

His chin dripped in lewd clear, his eyes bordering on mean how he squinted (blind) up at your interruption.

Ohh, fuck.

Despite hating the premature ending, even his contentious personality couldn't deny that pouty, needy expression on such a pretty face.

He only had a moment to wipe off the drool, amongst other substances, from his chin, as you pulled him in.

"I need you- so bad," You begged between hot kisses and his preferential taste for sucking just under your ear.

You heard him quite clearly stop breathing for a moment.

"Yeah?" He rasped, hardly a trace of brown in his sparkling eyes. The generous bulge prodding against you from his athletic shorts was a welcome challenge.

His body weighed on you as he smashed his lips into yours, clumsy and enthusiastic and wanton. Your legs wrapped around his waist and stirred a shaky groan from his throat.

That vivid print crammed against your pussy gave you a very bleak, disheartening reminder.

Your brow furrowed and you pushed a bit on his chest.

Highly sensitive to this small act of rejection, he took nearly all of his weight off of you at once.

Quick on the uptake though, you explained, "I-, I really do want you, it's just- I'm not comfortable doing this without a condom."

The epic battle playing in his head halted at once.

His eyes lit up wide, but his voice was as flat as usual, "I have one."

Confusion, relief, and chiefly the excitement between your legs took over all at once.

You laughed, leaning up to give him a smiley, lustful kiss, "Since when are you so optimistic?"

He returned it with an ardent, brief passion and tore himself away to collect his wallet from the floor. There was no extra inflection nor amorous implication to his words as he responded.

"Since you."

In a way, it almost sobered you up. The matter-of-fact statement was somehow new and old news, but hearing him declare it, instead of a mere suggestion, built a bridge you didn't realize you were still missing.

You got up to a kneel on the mats and pulled him in for a softer and appreciative kiss. He wore a little confused smile when you pulled away, but didn't question you.

Between you was the condom pinched between his index and middle finger. The thumb on his other hand was hooked under his waistband.

"Can you-," He looked away from you, bashful with a cute frown.

"Show you?"

A tiny nod.

There was no doubt in your mind for how you wanted to take him.

"Get on your back for me, baby," You mumbled against his lips with a fleeting kiss.

Stiff with nerves from your self-assuredness, he swiped off the rest of his clothes and put his back to the sticky vinyl-covered mat. You weren't aware of the curious tilt your head gave as you settled above him, but it spurred a whole-body shiver in him.

"You see the little rim? And how, if I turn it upside down, it's not the same?"

He squinted only for a millisecond before grabbing around for his glasses -adorable- and gave a nod when he saw what you meant.

"It's like a contact," He muttered.

You nodded, carefully picking up his hard-on enough to slide the thing on. He watched, learned, intently how you managed to do this.

"If you put it on the wrong way, it's more likely to slip off."

Your hips slid up over his now-safe dick. He was silently relieved he could feel just a fraction less with it on, because you looked too damn good perched up on him like that. No way he'd be lasting very long.

Dropping to your elbows, you gave him another soft kiss and took his glasses off again with a chuckle.

"I can't watch you?" He muttered, finding your eyes now that he couldn't see as well. That was your goal; he always gave you better eye contact when he couldn't tell his left from right.

"Mm-mm," You hummed against his cheek, positioning him against your aching pussy.

It was all on your accord to take him as you liked. He was too smart to move before he knew you wanted him to.

That didn't stop the grip on you from getting twitchy and hard, nor his unrestrained sounds.

"Augh-aha, jesus--, fuck..." Awe flashed across his face for a moment, quickly overshadowed by a deeply furrowed brow and an unwavering, adoring stare.

You seethed, eyes rolling back at his size filled you up. There was heavenly electricity he somehow pushed through your entire body. Even your fingers were buzzing.

His hip-work was a bit confused, but it was charming, slow, and good for a start when you suggested that he move.

"That feel good?" You breathed, shaky, but wanting to know all of his thoughts. As if he wasn't wearing it all over his face.

He was coated in sweat- you were, too, because there was no cooling in here, but he was distractingly so. The side of his face glistened in the orange-hued room.

"Fuc-k, ye-ah..." He wore an open-mouthed half-smirk as he admired your slick body sit up on his cock and ride him.

You kept your palms on his chest to support yourself, head leaning to the side as you focused on taking him. He kept his touch on your thighs light now, since he didn't want to risk fucking anything about this perfect performance up.

A hand slipped from his chest and to your own needy clit- you gasped and let out a quiet moan, bucking a little at the feeling.

You had no idea how much you needed it. After his tongue, the grinding, and how he started matching your own preferred pace, that thrilling, pleasant strain deep inside of you grew at an irresponsible rate.

"That's--s' hot," He choked, eyes narrowed and glued to the sight of your swirling fingers.

"Hm?" You smiled and moved both hands to the sides of his head, mistaking his admission to mean a more general vibe.

His breath stalled with effort as he bottomed out and stayed there.

He guided your hand back and pressed it between your legs again.

You sat a bit up again so you could better chase that high, tingly with an acceptable amount of embarrassment of being watched like that. You were practically edging yourself at this point and his gaze was threatening to throw you off the edge.

Those massive, sweat-slicked hands filled once more with the plush of your hips. He was struggling to keep his eyes open to watch, but managed alright.

"You-gotta teach me,h-ah- sometime," His bottom lip caught between his teeth as his focus tunnelled on the filthy sight of his own rough hold and his cock sliding in and out of your cunt.

He was a fast learner. His strokes were less shaky now, and grew more confident by the second. It may have been partially due to the fact that he knew you could take him, which just drew him closer to orgasm.

You could ride and listen to him all day, if it wasn't for your own body's limited capacity for the way he was taking you.

"Why don't I--mmn! Teach- you- ah, now?" You made him look at you again, a favorite maneuver of yours now, only just barely clawing to a paper-thin veil of poise to torture him with, over a quickly approaching climax.

"'Cause, I'm gonna cum before I figure it o-ut," Tsukishima sigh-laughed and moved one hand to your lower back.

It brought you down to your elbows. From here, he could kiss you hard and hit at a deeper angle- it was messy and rough and uncalculated; astoundingly hot coming from him.

Tsukishima never let himself act that way. It was a telltale sign that he was coming completely undone.

That hold on your hips hardened, his nails digging into you as his groans gradually started turning into whines and curses.

"F-uck--! Mmn- ha-h-ah," He cried softly on your lips as he came, panting like a dog.

Those unabashed, vulnerable sounds seized your heart and your pussy, and soon you found yourself not close behind, thanks to the fact that he didn't stop fucking you even after he came.

Shaky fingers scratched at his neck and shoulders, clinging like a lifeline. White-hot waves crashed over you as he drowned the rest of your sounds in another sloppy, worshiping kiss.

The gym was so quiet when neither of you were making any noise.

There was the hum of cicadas outside, but not even the fans were turning. It was just your laden breathing in here.

Slowly, you were able to see more of him on the backend of that shared high. Your head buzzed with the comfort and warmth his body provided you. His heavy arms squeezed around your middle.

It looked like he was swimming in satisfaction with a familiar, smug smile on his lips and closed eyes.

"Mm, you gonna look at me, pretty boy?" You rubbed the laughable amount of sweat around on his tummy and chest.

A deep shade of red returned to his cheeks. You grinned.

"Pretty?" He repeated in a scoff.

He'd come to appreciate it more, because, "It's true. You are pretty."

Sure, he sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes, but he wouldn't be so embarrassed if he didn't see a little truth in it.

It was getting a bit cold, now that you weren't so worked up anymore.

"Shit...we've gotta clean this place up."

There was a quiet beat between you.

For a very slow and hesitant 30 seconds, you gripped the rim of the condom on his still rock-hard cock and slid off of him with a shudder. He remembered that maneuver for next time.

You climbed off of the mat and began putting on your clothes. The gym around you felt 300 times bigger than it actually was.

After figuring out how to take it off without getting drenched in his own cum, he tied it and observed the thing for a second. Then, he slid -yeah, slid- to the corner of the mat and stayed seated while he watched you get dressed.

Now you had even more to put away and wipe down, because Tsukishima left a 6 foot long pool of sweat on the mat. He wore a devious smirk.

"Since I'm the one competing in Nationals tomorrow, I think I'll just leave you to it--"

"You better get your lanky ass up right now," You swatted him with your shirt and he broke out into a playful grin as he heaved himself up and snatched it from you.

Now when he stood over you, it felt thrilling instead of threatening. He fixed the twist in your bra strap without looking away from your eyes.

He kept the shirt far out of your reach while he stole a kiss, "I'll help as long as you clean like this."

taglist:

TYSM FOR THE SUPPORT AND REPLIES!! the energy here was so great! requests are open!

@v15aexe @hotvinimon @cyzvx @aloveablechaos @kozumesphone

@beaniedoodz @idiotboys @djmoyolehuani @ilovemymomscooking

@imiqz @vierciale @sukunassaltysack @garlicbread9104 @awkwardaardvarkforever

[skywalker1dream]

Title: Interview with the four-time world champion.

Hii! so this have been in my mind quite long time and I'm listening to my impulsive thoughts and doing this.... first I want to say English is not my mother tongue so please let me know if there are any mistakes...Give me some advices if you want...which I'm sure will help me..If you want, share your opinion on what to write..And I won't say much here. Hope you guys like it

it's all fiction(ofc we can only fantasize about this fine man) please don't hate my work or me (I have traumatic experience bc of wattpad) if I missed something pls tell me. Thanks for your attention:3

Sebastian x journalist!reader

Warning: I don't think there is any Warning

The sound of engines roaring and the smell of burning rubber filled the air as you walked through the paddock, your heart pounding with excitement. It was race day, and the energy was palpable. As a motorsport journalist, you had the privilege of being up close to the action, but today was different. Today, you were here to interview the four-time world champion, Sebastian Vettel.

You had met Sebastian a few times before during post-race interviews, but today’s meeting felt more personal. Maybe it was because you had been following his career since his early days, or perhaps it was the way he smiled at you last time, a genuine warmth in his eyes that made your stomach flutter.

As you approached the famous ferrari garage, you spotted him immediately. He was talking with his engineers, a serious expression on his face, but when he saw you, his features softened into a welcoming smile.

“Hey, Schatz” he greeted, pulling you into a friendly hug. “Ready for our chat?”

You nodded, trying to keep your cool despite the proximity, and fact that when he hugged you you felt butterflies in your stomach. “Absolutely. Thanks for taking the time, Sebastian.”

You found a quiet corner near the garage, the noise of the track a distant hum. As you set up your recorder, Sebastian leaned casually against a stack of tires, his relaxed demeanor putting you at ease.

The interview began smoothly. Sebastian answered your questions with his usual charm and thoughtfulness, occasionally making you laugh with his witty remarks. But as you wrapped up, he surprised you with a question of his own.

“So, Schatz, what do you do when you’re not chasing after us drivers?” he asked, a teasing and mischievous glint in his eye.

You chuckled, a bit taken aback. “I guess I try to have a normal life. Reading, cooking, maybe catching a movie when I can.”

Sebastian’s smile widened. “Sounds like we have more in common than I thought. I love cooking too. Maybe we should compare notes sometime.

Your heart skipped a beat at the suggestion, but you played it cool. “I’d like that. Maybe after the season ends?”

“It’s a date then,” he said, his tone light but his eyes sincere.

Before you could respond, an announcement over the loudspeaker called the drivers to the grid. Sebastian stood up, giving you one last, lingering look.

“Wish me luck out there.”

“Good luck, Sebastian,” you replied, your voice a bit breathless. “I’ll be cheering for you.”

As you watched him walk away, your heart raced faster than any car on the track. You couldn’t wait for the season to end, and for that promised dinner with Sebastian Vettel. Until then, you had his smile to hold onto, a beacon of warmth and possibility in the high-octane world of Formula 1.

hope you guys like it, I know its short but i had to try..I can write part 2 if you want. Oh and have you seen him in Imola god he looks good..and as they say dululu is soululu I hope he comes back..fingers crossed 🤞

[v0iddarl1ng]

My opinion on New Helluva boss short "Mission:Weeaboo-boo"

Attention: There will be a lot of spoilers and my subjective opinion, so you can agree or disagree with me.

TW: S*xual harassment

So my first thing I didn't understood is...Why Emeberlynn still lives with her parents even she is canonically 20?

Okay, let's think that's she is a lazy one and still didn't went through a separation process.

But there's another thing:

HOW AN ANGELIC-MADE ACCESSORY( mean of protection?) CAME ON EARTH?

More though, Ember said that is official merch so it's supposed to be more of these, so how??

And then my most hated part started...

EMEBERLYNN THOUGHT THAT BLITZØ CAME HERE TO FUCK HER.

Seriously.

AND BLITZ IS VISIBILITY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS.

And Emberlynn's behaviour shown and supposed to be "funny",Oh yeah! S*xual h*rassment and cognitive distortion of said/done things is DEFINITELY THINGS THAT YOU CAN JOKE ABOUT!

It reminds me of something...

Damn it,I hate this bird prick so much.

Also, Emberlynn calls Blitz "Blitzy-kun" just like Stolas calls Blitz "Blitzy"

But more is...That Ember hits Blitz for doing LITERALLY NOTHING!

It's very weird, especially for 20 year old person to do so. By the way, At first watch I skipped scene with files, I looked at her behaviour and thought that she is 16 or 17. Kinda reminds me of Vivzipop, who can't take criticism and acts like child even when she is grown ass adult.

Maybe it's another little thing but Blitzø talks here about someone didn't liked Lynn's 1ncest art and didn't liked it so that's why they hired Blitz, but isn't that IMP corp help already KILLED or DEAD person to kill their hatred ones?

I KNOW, Pilot is not canon anymore but still, how someone, who is probably still alive, get an IMP's phone number? And I don't think that's hell's media can be used in humans's world like "Sinstagram" or "Envee".

Conclusion: This episode(like any of HB other episodes) was pretty mid for me. I even cringed a bit an Ember's child-like behaviour. I think that writers and mostly Vivzipop tried to make an episode that mocks Vivzie's haters (In sneak peak Emeberlynn have the same setup and similar looking hair) but made it very poorly.

And the most problem is in the short it self! Most of missions and assassinations mostly moved to shorts and main show is slowly becoming a cheesy,bad written, rom com with not funny jokes, mostly about themes that supposed to be spoken about respectively but taken as another joke(Moxxie getting SA by succubi in episode "Spring break" and whole Stolitz drama)

But,what I Liked in new shorts ?

Maybe Emberlynn's sinner design, but she still says that she's found his billboard and screams, swears that she will be on his side. That's kinda stalkerish, don't you think?

I'll repeat that: It's only my opinion, you can disagree with it!!

EDIT: I read some comments, and you're right, maybe Emberlynn still living with parents because rent is expensive. My mistake, I apologise. I think it's me being with imposes thoughts that personally I must live on my own when I'll become an adult

And also comment about cringe comedy: I understand that it's a thin,but not for everyone, honestly I didn't liked it.

Sorry for making myself looking stupid

[myfairstarlight]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and in-depth answer to my question, re: Colin's portrayal in part 2! He's my favorite character in the show, and I love to read people's takes on characters, narrative arcs and themes, so basically, you're amazing <3

If you would humor me further, gentle author, having read a lot of your posts, I'm inclined to assume you've read the books as well? If you have, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Colin's portrayal as compared to the books overall, please?

I know you touch on this a bit in your original response, but to speak to my own thoughts, between the show and the book, I've personally, mostly enjoyed the show's overall portrayal. Predominantly, I felt like they handled his anger better, where in the book, his anger often felt a little out of left field or just positively violent, which was startling in a character who even personally touted himself to being not-prone to violent angry outbursts. Not to say he cant be angry or that it didnt make sense, but after three books prior (with admittedly bias narration), it gave me more Anthony vibes than what I would have expected from Colin, so it was a bit jarring. Though, I guess in a way, I make the same mistake as Penelope in my reading of him, hm?

As you have mentioned in other posts, I too appreciated that he held himself back while he was angry/upset at her. He was still around, he still wanted to help, but as you said, he'd finally discovered what he wanted all along--emotional and physical intimacy together, and I was glad for him to be so uncompromising to the conviction that THAT was the only way he wanted to be with ANYONE, Penelope included. Penelope deserves the world, but Colin does too. I'm glad they got things figured out so they could both have what they need and want and have found in each other.

Would love to hear your thoughts, thank you again :)

Oh dearest anon, how you flatter me!

So I suppose I shall indulge you some more, and I will request that you humour me as well as I embark on a little reminiscing journey. I am currently working on another post analysing part 2's love stories (plural yes), but you are giving me the opportunity to delve into an aspect I rarely touch on in my posts: Bridgerton being an adaptation and the often controversial differences between show and book.

Let's break this down in parts once more, shall we?

Colin's anger

Colin has always held a special place in my heart, ever since s1, I suppose in that regard I am much like Penelope. I immediately fell in love with the idea of them together before I even knew they would. Following s1, I immediately read The Viscount Who Loved Me and Romancing Mister Bridgerton (I skipped Benedict's at first like the show, sue me) back to back and what a surprise it was to me to find a Colin so... different from the one we see in the show (and that is without tackling the fact that apparently it was confirmed they took some of Book!Colin characteristics and gave them to Show!Benedict). In fact now that I've read most of the books, it is a startling issue so many of these men have in the books: anger issues and violent tendencies. Colin is one of the least guilty of that in my opinion, but that isn't saying much either.

In that aspect, I wholeheartedly agree with you, I think the show tackles his anger towards Penelope's secret identity much better. In the book, he can be aggressive (he bruises her for god's sake! And he's aware!), he's petulant, he refuses to listen to her and would rather pretend Whistledown doesn't exist, he expects her to just give it up after marrying him and then he doesn't tell her he plans to reveal her identity to everyone, and worst of all at the end he saves the day so he doesn't really learn anything. In the show, however, even if he is upset, he still listens, he still tries to understand. The one time he tries to do shit without listening to Penelope, he makes things worse and is humbled, which I think is a better outcome, narratively, than what happens in the book. Sure, he might not be physically affectionate with her, when his book counterpart had no issue with that, but emotionally? He is there for Penelope even through the hurt. With a look, with words of reassurance that he still wants to marry her and protect her. The difference between Show!Colin and Book!Colin is that Show!Colin asks Penelope to give up Whistledown and tells her it is for her safety, and when Penelope refuses, it pains him but he listens, he has to grapple with the fact that his wife won't suppress a part of herself for him. Book!Colin just expects her to give it up.

Show!Colin's anger is a quiet, but devastating thing, while book!Colin's anger is an explosion, and I very much prefer the former.

Colin's jealousy

Now, to give the book some points over the show, it handles Colin's writer struggles and his jealousy over Penelope's success much better than the show, and I love that it is Penelope calling him out on it, forcing him to reconsider. It does help we have his inner dialogue in the book whereas the show did not allow Colin those moments, we have to be told by Colin during an argument and then Cressida when she calls him out. Furthermore, in the book, ten years have passed, and Penelope as Whistledown has been successful this whole time, meanwhile Colin has just been running around the world, accomplishing, well, nothing really. In fact, it sort of explains his out of character bouts of anger as well (although it does not excuse when he gets a little violent).

Excuse the screenshot in night mode, dear reader, as I am writing this post at night after all.

"Would he be jealous of Penelope if he hadn't already sensed a lack in his own life?" I love that introspection. He is aware, he feels bad, he wants to do better. In the book, I did not feel like Colin was struggling to reconcile Penelope with Whistledown, he's accepted that fact pretty easily (too easily even I think), but what holds him back is his jealousy. And then we have scenes of Penelope reading more of his journals, reassuring him, reaching out even if he struggles to reach back.

This is one of my favourite scenes in the book, highlighting his struggles with confidence and worth, and though it goes on, I'll avoid posting screenshots of the whole chapter. In the book we have Penelope actively helping him and give him confidence, and he gives as much by supporting her writing as well. They mutually encourage each other in their business endeavours.

The show on the other hand is lacking in that aspect because of time restriction. We never do see Penelope read more of his journal so it feels a bit forced in when she praises his writing during their arguments when we did not see more of it ourselves. The show wanted to do a lot with little time. Colin still struggles to prove himself, but more in his relationship, not regarding his own dream of writing. I sort of wish they had kept writer Colin in the back burner for s4 and have him go through that arc and his envy towards his wife for that future season while for s3 they focus on his struggle to reconcile Penelope and Whistledown, as well as accept the fact he cannot always protect everyone but that he also does not need to be useful to be loved, but alas, I do wonder if people would have had the patience for that. Him being a writer is a big part of his book counterpart after all and it would have been odd to not include it.

Little bonus: the last ball

This one is just because I was thinking about the last ball where the public reveal happens, both in the book and the show. I've seen mixed reception.

I would like to concur that the show did the Whistledown reveal better, actually. And I say that as someone who still loves the scene in the book. As already mentioned, in the book, Colin makes the decision for her, and he also tells her secret to others behind her back (only to Simon and Anthony, but still), and thank God for him everything turned out alright. It is a declaration of love, and the scene itself is lovely, but the context around it always bothered me a bit, Penelope's agency was taken from her. In the show, however? Colin was willing to lie to his brother to keep the secret hidden, and when Penelope expresses her discomfort at the idea, he listens. She asks him to support her, and so he takes a step back and trusts her. I liked that he lets her step into the spotlight and choose to reveal herself. And when the Queen leaves and people start whispering, I'm convinced he would have done something to make everyone shut up if it wasn't for Philippa being quicker and releasing the butterflies to distract everyone.

(And sidenote, I liked that it's Penelope's family that saved her from humiliation. In the book, it was the Bridgertons clapping first, but since the show mended the relationship between all the Featherington ladies it was such a nice touch that they're the first ones to support Penelope there.)

Conclusion

Overall, if I had to choose, I think I like Show!Colin's portrayal much more after all (though again, I met him first so perhaps bias are at play) and I'm looking forward to seeing him embody Colin "My Wife" Bridgerton in future seasons, the way Book!Colin is an absolute delight in the epilogues and the other books. But I do mourn the way his journey to become a writer was rushed, because it was the strongest part of the book to me.

I do feel like with the Featherington heir plot in the show, s4 will most likely have Colin's arc be learning to manage the Featherington estate until his son is old enough to inherit it now.

I did probably forget to mention other stuff but oh well, this answer is already quite long.

I hope I have entertained you greatly, dear reader! And with these words, this humble author shall finally retire to bed at an ungodly hour once more.

[these-emo-thoughts]

Last Twilight Episode 11 thoughts

A lot of people are hating on Day right now but I get him. I do. And if you haven't watched episode 11 yet, maybe skip this post as it revolves around a major part of the plot. If you've watched the ep, you probably know what I'm talking about. More detail is under the cut.

Warning, this is a long one, lol. Apologies for any mistakes, I'm a bit sick and didn't read over it 🤣

If you've seen it already, I'm going to explain why I think Mhok and Day's break-up had to happen and why it is the best thing for them right now.

Mhok's fear of losing another person because he isn't there to help or pick up the phone is absolutely valid (and so real and relatable that I feel personally attacked). He doesn't stay with Day out of pity, which has been established multiple times throughout the series - but the trauma of what he went through with Rung and the fear of possibly repeating that again with Day has made his anxiety cloud his judgement and his heart. It's not a healthy way to live - constantly worrying about your partner, to the extent where you cannot live for yourself, is not sustainable for a relationship (I also find this quite ironic because up until this point Mhok has been on his own for a long time now). We saw the manifestation of this fear in episode 11 multiple times too, with Mhok leaving in the middle of the shift to check that the guest that was hit by a car wasn't Day, and then when he was freaking out when Day wasn't answering his phone. Imagine going through all of that, but this time, your partner is 15 hours away by plane.

Day choosing to break up with him is, in my opinion, more complex than just "he lied to me and pitied me". That's part of it (and will come back at the end of this post), yes, and he does have the right to be upset that Mhok lied to him. Again, it's not healthy for the both of them if they are going to continue a relationship. I also want to point out that Day is at a disadvantage here because while he is capable of living his life independently as a blind man, he can't actually see the emotions on people's faces when he talks to them and that's can be important for picking up what others are putting down. Day can't see the changes in Mhok's expression when his smile fades, he has to rely on the other to talk to him when something is up, so lying is a BIG no-no here (as it would be for any relationship). So far, they've done a great job at communicating, so this is presented as new issue - but, it's a big one. So yes, the lying is part of it, but it's not ALL of it.

"But what IS all of it!?" I hear you scream into the Tumblr void. Well, by now, OF COURSE Day knows that Mhok truly loves him and KNOWS that the other doesn't pity him - he's said so many times. So, Day must realise at this point - of which the timeline is probably at a year of them knowing each other, give or take - that Mhok is deliberately holding himself back from good opportunities because of that love. It must hurt like hell, knowing that you're the reason your partner is self-sabotaging, but there's nothing you can do to change their mind because everything is out of your control. It's so much easier for Day to say "Mhok pities me and lied to me and that's why I want to break up" instead of "I'm the reason Mhok won't go".

It's heartbreaking, but what's the solution here? Long distance? Sure, maybe - but that's not going to stop Mhok from worrying about Day and being distracted from his job. It's not going to stop Day from feeling like he's a burden to Mhok. Not only that, with timezones and such a huge distance, there are even more complications to worry about. Plus, let's say something DID happen to Day while Mhok was in Hawaii - it goes back to exactly the problem that Mhok had which is what can he do about it? Long distance is a solution, but how long will they last living like that?

"Okay emo, so why doesn't Day just go to Hawaii with Mhok? Then they can be together and Mhok can fulfil his promise to take him there and they don't have to break up and they'll live happily ever after." I see you!! But... that's a BIG decision. Mhok and Day's trip to Songkhla may have been a test to see how they weather the storm of living together as boyfriends, but it was only for a few days. And Day - for most of it - was alone in the room while Mhok was working. That's not a way for Day to live, and it still won't stop Mhok from being worried, probably even MORESO now because they're in a whole other country.

So... what's left?

Day's decision to break up with Mhok is heartbreaking, but is probably the only solution that makes sense to me. Mhok CANNOT live a life like this. He can't. It's already debilitating him and it'll get even worse if he's constantly prioritising Day over himself in every aspect of life. Of course a person should think about their partner, but not to the point where it becomes unhealthy self-sabotage. Day also cannot live happily like this. He's come to terms living with a disability and already is aware of how different his daily life is to that of a sighted person - but the little voice in the back of his mind, the one reminding him that he's the reason Mhok is not living his life to the fullest, is making the entire process more difficult for him (and the lying really doesn't help).

So... yeah. A necessary evil that unfortunately to many will be written off simply as the "episode 11 curse". An evil that has people already saying that Day is stupid and immature, when I really believe this is the most rational he's been. I know even the actors have said it's about the lying but this is P'Aof we're talking about here - he's a brilliant story-teller, and there's always more to his art than what we see on the surface. It's happened in other shows he's directed, which is why they rate so highly. Last Twilight is no exception, and the complexity of the love story between Mhok and Day is nothing short of a masterpiece. That's how I see it, anyway.

Would love to hear other thoughts and perspectives!

[hotcheetohatredwastaken]

Hola Cheeto! You seem like a good person to ask this:

I’m feeling like my writing is in a bit of a slump, like I’m saying things in the same way every time. Do you have any advice on how to spice up one’s writing?

:)

Hey! First off, I would like to offer an encouragement. A lot of times in the art world, they say getting into a slump means you're about to have a wonderful breakthrough/revelation. I believe that the same thing occurs in writing. So, don't worry. Just keep pushing, and you'll reach that breakthrough your subconscious is cooking up <3

Anyways, I do have a few words of advice, if you want to speed the process up :)

1. Read. A LOT

In general, I believe that input = output, when it comes to reading and writing. Not in an easy 1:1 way, but in the way that your style, your storylines, and your choices are influenced by authors you read. Thus, if you want to improve your writing, my number one piece of advice would be to read, and to target your reading. If you're struggling with vocabulary, read some poetry. If you're struggling with original plotlines and emotional turns, read outside of your regular genre in order to get yourself some more perspective. Bing some fics that capture the feeling you're going for, and figure out not only what they do right, but how. Heck, read a fic that makes the same mistake as you do, see if you can figure out where they went wrong and how you'd fix the mistake in your own work. We're all learning together, and it's a great process <3

2. Identify and analyze the problem in your own work

Reread one of your pieces that doesn't jive with you, and not only identify where it doesn't work, but justify why it doesn't work with evidence. If your words are repetitive, highlight them and perhaps make yourself a list of your crutch words. If your action isn't strong enough, figure out which verbs you can spice up and how you can streamline your cause/effect to get the most punch out of your sentences. If your scenarios are repetitive across your writing, you can note that too, if it bothers you. If you can't figure what's wrong---instead, mark the places that you DO like, and by process of elimination you can probably figure it out. Next, as in the step before, brainstorm how to fix it. Search up some synonyms to your crutch words. Read some professional author's advice on how to reorder your fight scenes. Search up tropes that you may not have used before, etc.

However, we are our own worst critics when it comes to self-evaluation, and paying attention while you read and taking notes can feel like a high school English class and can be rather unenjoyable. Additionally, insecurity can make us see mistakes where there are none. So, here's my final piece of advice.

3. Beta Read (And if you can, swap beta read)

This is the best of both worlds, in my opinion, and the one that has improved my writing the most. First, you get your eyes on another's work, and you're literally tasked to pick out the things that you don't like and to say why, which gives you more experience to do so in your own work and perhaps even lets you solve a few problems in your own work before they even crop up. Additionally, you now don't have to go through the horrible slog of evaluating your own work (although, you probably shouldn't give it to the other person until it's pretty postable (@needfantasticstories I'm so sorry I'm so sorry about Ch 24 Skip I'm sorry about the convolutedness of Arc 3 please---)). You can ask THEM to figure out what's wrong where, and, if they're open to it, you can brainstorm together how to fix it, which is so much more fun than doing it alone. Heck, if you have a good idea what's wrong, you can set them after it specifically. And obviously, you don't have to take a beta's advice if you don't think it fits (phrases that belong on wattpad) but it's a good way to get your brain chugging on how you should fix it.

Anyways, there's my little rant. If you're already doing all of the above---my advice would be to just keep pushing, friend. As I said before, I've heard that in the art world, a slump means you're about to have a breakthrough. It's not that your work has gotten worse, it's just that your taste has changed and gotten better---now, your skill just has to catch up to that new level. You'll do great things, whatever it is that you're cooking up. I know that you've got this.

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

I think it's time for me to come clean with something I've never admitted to anybody before. And it's not something I've done or anything like that. It's not an action I've taken. It's an opinion I have that I know is something that would cause a lot of...let's say strife with most people if they knew I had it. It's not a controversial opinion I'm particularly proud of the way I'm proud of my opinion on John Lennon being a boring hack, or my opinions on YouTube content creators being, by default, talentless nobodies compared to literally any other professional creative, or my opinion that sport hunting journalists and politicians should be, if not actually legal, than at least one of those victimless crimes that never actually get prosecuted. This opinion I'm about to share is something that my own parents would never understand if I were to admit it to them, which, to be honest, does sting a bit when I let myself think about it too much.

I know most of you don't follow me for personal BS, and I respect that, so I'm going to put a cut before I state this opinion so people who don't really care to learn more about me as a person can easily give it a skip. For the rest of you, all I ask is that you try to keep an open mind, and understand that this is as hard for me to admit as it is for you to read.

George Carlin is a terrible fucking comedian.

I know. I know.

But hear me out.

I'm not saying he's not funny, because he can be. Certainly he was hilarious to 12 year old Little Me who would watch clips of his acts on Comedy Central long after my parents went to bed. But as I got older, I started to notice something. It wasn't that I was "growing out" of George Carlin. That's silly to say. That's like saying someone grew out of watching Eddie Murphy's Raw. You're not even supposed to be watching that stuff until you're grown.

No, the thing I noticed was that he isn't actually a comedian.

He's a blogger.

Again, he does tell jokes, but telling jokes does not a comedian make. Everyone tells jokes. What makes a comedian a comedian is that they are so funny that people will pay money to laugh at their jokes. And that's not George Carlin. That's not why people go to see George Carlin. They might think it is, but it's not. No, they go to see him for the same reason he stands up in front of them and speaks.

They want to hear their own opinions parroted back at them, and then they want to cheer. Just like George doesn't really want to make people laugh. He wants to give his opinions on social issues and politics, and then he wants everyone to clap and validate those opinions. The laughter is completely secondary. It's not even necessary past the point of telling just enough jokes to both get people in the door, and to allow those people the illusion that they're at a comedy show and not reading a blog.

And Carlin isn't the only blogger pretending to be a comedian. You probably know quite a few already. The Jon Stewarts, John Olivers, and Jimmy Kimmels of the world who just want to be cheered for stating their, often idiotic, opinions on things. I used to call this "Applause Comedy", and I've always hated it with a passion. But these days I just call it blogging, because that's what it is. And George Carlin is its grandfather. His entire career is based on "telling it like it is" instead of "telling jokes". And let's be fair, some of his opinions are right. Of course, these days the people he roasts are usually not on the same side of the political divide as the ones he was intending on roasting. He is another terminal victim of the 60s, so don't ever mistake him for being even remotely right wing.

(I wonder if, were he still alive, would he be one of those few boomerlibs that actually recognize how batshit insane the left has become? Or would he be one of the ones that now supports all the things they railed against 40+ years back because their identity as a leftist is more important than their supposed principals?

I could speculate, but I won't.)

But being able to comment intelligently or eloquently on political or social issues isn't a skill one should look for in a comedian. And getting cheered for stating an opinion isn't something a real comedian should look for in their audience. A comedian tells jokes. He makes people laugh. He tells stories and weaves tales and creates an atmosphere of joy. He allows us to keep the outside world at bay for an hour or so, and leaves us with a small shield against that world when his show is over in the form of fond memories and shared enjoyment.

You're more likely to come out of a George Carlin show more angry at the world than when you went in.

And that's not comedy.

That's not entertainment.

That's blogging.

[bestworstcase]

Hmm Yang - Cinder parallels

Prosthetics - easy

Adoption/Step mothers - quality of such isn't because Glass Unicorn is uniquely bad in a way that has no comparison with Yang

Mother figure who is terrible at vocalizing care. Raven popping up as a bird in Yellow Trailer and volume 3 instead of taking Luke a normal person, Salem being very very bad at talking. This gets even more pronounced if that theory of Raven and Qrow (from STRQYR I think) being used as an additional lock on the Vault at Beacon is correct and Raven sending Yang to ask Qrow about what Ozpin did to them was intended to get that information from Qrow. As opposed to just catching the two not mentioning the bird thing.

Summer Rose modeling (probably). Yang in being stunningly similar in mannerisms of the little we've seen of Summer. Cinder in presumably being taught further by Summer how to fight.

Fire connotations... Possibly extending to Fenghuang (Chinese Phoenix, and the female counterpart to the masculine Chinese dragon) and Cinder's Phoenix imagery though I think there's actually very little similarity between European phoenixes and Fenghuang. This I think actually just happens to reflect the next point very well

Ozpin's mistakes and collateral damage. Cinder is explicitly failed by Ozpin's order, slavery and a huntsman turning a blind eye. Yang is a more personal variation of Ozpin's personal attention on Team STRQ. Raven is looking more and more like whatever had her leave was rooted in her disagreeing with Ozpin. She and Taiyang separating/not being partners was possibly to probably always on the table but her having no interaction with Yang instead of co-parenting or non primary caregiver? The disagreement over Ozpin with Qrow being Ozpin's man, Summer being a trusted agent until she suddenly stopped, and Taiyang (??? If he's done or doing anything for Oz but the fact the team being torn apart was specifically done by Raven is a bit telling to my mind given the cultist vibe with Ozpin. Has Raven made mistakes - yes. Drawing a line with Oz I suspect won't be one of them). If Ozpin made her and Qrow keys to the Vault without telling her and she only found out after she had Yang who would thus have hostage situation written on her forehead if it ever came out? Cause. If Raven was giving a Gretchen Spring Maiden sanctuary and lying that she had no clue where Gretchen was when everyone knows she had a bond to the girl (see speculation about Gretchen being the person the other side of the portal) - that could really tear a team apart. Summer joining Salem tips the collateral from the War in abstract to specifically Oz. Qrow wasn't around as much as he was needed because working for Oz as a spy. Taiyang... I have opinions about Taiyang but he's divisive so skipping over the past to volume 4. Port and Oobleck ask if he'll go after Ruby. IE - things aren't so bad that he can't. He says he's looking after "Things" as to why he hasn't. Yang takes things to mean her. If Things were actually the Vault... Taiyang is forced to let his barely recovered to "stable-ish" with a new prosthetic arm eldest daughter go after RWBY to guard the Vault. To do so even when the world congregates in Vacuo for a fight, even after his daughters presumably died in that fight. This gets WORSE if Qrow and Raven are additional keys to the Vault because he's superfluous in a way he isn't if Cinder having the Maiden powers means the only defenses left are him and secrecy. Which he wouldn't know because Oz is synonymous with self decorating secrecy. Yang is left taking care of Ruby in the ashes of team STRQ which are directly traceable to Oz.

Mistral heritage but not majority raised within

And that's all I got. Is there anything you'd like to add or disagree with?

yang's and cinder's recoveries in V4 are inverses of each other: watts and tyrian needle cinder mercilessly but salem tells them to cut it out while praising cinder to high heavens / port and oobleck give yang the patience and compassion she needs to feel comfortable expressing her feelings in spite of tai's very harsh "tough love" approach. there is also overt mirroring between cinder+salem vs yang+tai on at least two occasions off the top of my head:

<- these are non-arbitrary, with the first reflection being tai finally giving yang information about raven (which she's desperately wanted and been denied for years) vs cinder desperately wanting salem to do something that will fix the Ruby Problem and salem er, not doing that; and the second occurs after both tai and salem talk about yang's and cinder's failings before offering a hand, with the reversal being that tai faults yang and salem faults herself.

which suggests an interesting contrast between taiyang and salem in that he says he needs to take care of some stuff (implicitly, yang) and that's why he hasn't gone after ruby (implicitly, yet) but then after "some stuff" leaves he just… continues to stay home, versus salem talking a big game about leaving cinder to "toil in her isolation" for all of five minutes before dropping everything to rush to atlas with an army of grimm after finding out where cinder will be and that ozpin is back. what it means depends a bit on why tai is still hanging around patch but it's. something i ponder now and then. words vs deeds.

here's the og branwen keys theory, for posterity. i stand by it, although i think if ozpin did this he probably did not let the twins in on that detail and raven maybe figured it out herself—which would widen the fissure between her and ozpin in a big way and also makes sense as something she wouldn't dare tell anyone, because if salem finds out it paints a target on both her back and qrow's (and qrow is frankly not great at keeping secrets from family, even sober).

(regarding fenghuang, this is silly and not really textually relevant i just cannot let it pass without noting the minor detail that, bc raven has custody, tdt/burnt roses!yang's full name is yangwu branwen. for bird mcbird reasons.)

there is i think also something to the comparison between cinder's life in the glass unicorn and yang's childhood in that—while cinder's situation was certainly far more extreme—on the one hand, we have a young girl enslaved and forced to wait on her abusers hand and foot while the closets thing she has to a real parent trains her to fight in secret but otherwise doesn't lift a finger to help her, and on the other we have a young girl essentially co-parenting her younger sister while her mother watches over her as a bird which probably did keep yang safer than she would have been otherwise (<- i do not for a second believe raven wasn't in the regular habit of killing grimm who got too close to the cabin while tai was away) but is also equally if not more inadequate than how rhodes handled cinder.

if i'm right that summer is the stepmother in the cinderella narrative then yang's contextual role as one of the stepsisters is also complicated in an interesting way by summer being her stepmother too (esp. in conjunction with tai's favoritism of ruby and parentification of yang) and the multiple layers of twistiness rwby brings to the "evil stepmother" trope. though it remains to be seen exactly how that will shake out. (& as always i'm obsessed with the likelihood that summer has known cinder longer than she knew either of her actual daughters.)

i do question what tai is still doing in patch and if he actually has some sort of job that he's doing as opposed to perhaps being—similar to raven—soured on ozpin altogether and determined to stay out of it. it's definitely made clear that raven leaving and then losing summer too broke something in him and, while he was evidently involved with ozpin's circle before summer disappeared, no one connected to ozpin or salem has mentioned him in the present aside from the dig raven makes about him trusting ozpin Before. i wouldn't be… surprised if he's just been carrying on teaching at signal and refusing to get sucked back in to the vortex.

(<- & if that's the case his extreme passivity would also be in juxtaposition with salem)

this is all sort of scattershot but there's a lot of emotional and thematic confluences to chew on. i also think it's interesting that salem's quasi-familial relationship with cinder frequently is mirrored by or juxtaposed with father-daughter relationships (tai and yang, pietro and penny, ironwood as a surrogate fatherly figure to winter) given salem's own parental situation (mother dead in childbirth + abusive father who, reading between the lines of the fairytale, treated her like a replacement for her mother when he wasn't locking her away to punish her for 'killing' her mother) and consistent prioritization of cinder over her own plans. to the point that i sort of wonder if a conscious desire to not be her father plays into salem's decision-making wrt cinder in V8 at all

[braininatankwithalaptop]

As I'm listening to the shaping exercises 101 podcast, I'm more and more tempted to make my own blog doing a deep dive on mother of learning. Yes, I don't have a new reader to have a fresh set of eyes to balance my biases picked up from the ending, but I think my contributions could still be interesting.

I'm thinking about this because I specifically want to tackle Mother of Learning analysis from the angle of neurodivergence, worldbuilding, and good faith. As much as I value the commentary and different angle of the podcast, I feel like these three areas are the biggest missing things in the podcast. The hosts occasionally recognize and acknowledge that Zorian is just a different type of person than them and is an introvert, but the way they seem to forget that half the time is very frustrating to me. They'll make a point about how Zorian's upbringing has colored his worldview, and how reasonable his distrust of other people is, and then ignore all of that to whine about how he's an introverted teenager and hasn't solved all his interpersonal conflicts already. I may be projecting neurodivergence onto Zorian, but it's so accurate and consistent that I can't imagine engaging with Mol without that acknowledgement that the comparison could be made. One of the hosts admits he doesn't care about worldbuilding, and frequently misreads scenes (not just bad interpretation, outright skipping important details that frame things completely differently), and this is something I think needs to be covered as worldbuilding is a huge factor in understanding characterization and the narrative. This is very much a story written by a d&d fan, and most dm (or at least d&d fan) can tell you how important worldbuilding is in informing the campaigns they run. And finally, I'd really like to make a point on how events in the plot or characterization that might seem weird or irrational to us have multiple possible reasonable explanations if we just stop and think. There are many personality traits, mistakes, and conflicts that are perfectly reasonable to happen in the story. Just because the author doesn't tell us up front what they are don't mean they can't be there. In fact I prefer that some things are a bit ambiguous, as it's both more realistic that Zorian doesn't know everything and it's more interesting to engage with. I prefer not to engage with media in that cinemasins-style "trying to assert dominance" and point scoring. I want to try having a conversation. The only questions I have is would I do it chronologically or by subject (one post focusing on Kael, on focusing on shifter politics, one on the mage's guild, etc.) or if I should do it at all. I don't want to shove my opinions down other people's throats after all.

[mask131]

Have you thought of looking at the lore of the World of Darkness? It is the overarching world of Vampire the Masquerade amd Werewolf the Apocalypse, with a lot of unique takes on traditional folklore, religion, and mythology. I'd like to see what you think of it

Unfortunately you wouldn't see much what I think" about it because when it comes to World of Darkness I usually gobble things up and loses most critical thought X)

I am a HUGE, HUGE Changeling the Lost fan, and I also do enjoy a lot the Vampire the Masquerade lore. I only have a vague knowledge of the Vampire the Requiem remake, and I need to get into it in more details one of those days - and from what I understood and saw Changeling the Dreaming was indeed a bad game that Changeling the Lost surpassed in all ways. I did take a plunge into Werewolf the Apocalypse - especially because of the big evil company led by eldritch entities of chaos (that was my jam), though I have no knowledge of its remake - and I also did plan earlier to take a look at the two Mage games (but never could for now).

All in all I am a sucker for most World of Darkness/Chronicles of Darkness products - in terms of lore however cause I can't play them, but from what I udnerstood a LOT of people are just here for the lore and if they have to play they use the Vampire video games.

Though if you want my opinion for the actual over-arching world - I will confess, I actually do not care. I enjoy the lore and worldbuilding and twists of each games on its own, but when it comes to tying them all together into one universe I surprisingly find it the most boring part. Unless it is very well made, I tend to skip all the sections of books about crossovers.

As for "WoD vs CoD", I am a man who likes both and thinks they complement each other. WoD was the original, the start of the trend, ad it had this distinctive feel that you can't recreate anymore of the 90s/2000s Gothic and horror and dark urban fantasy - even though it also aged badly in some aspect, and alongside its best-sellers and masterpieces it had some really bad and flat instalments. CoD learns from its mistakes, takes new fresh twists, and brings a whole new ground of thought, inspiration and art to the table - and I will be forever thankful for Changeling the Lost. But I have to admit that several CoD games also lose a bit of the specific feel and specialty that made Wod special, resulting in several instalments either feeling too generic, too simplified, or just making them look pale and weak compared to their predecessors.

So overall it is a mixed bag.

If I ever made World of Darkness posts, it would be exposition posts where I just collect all info and shoot them back again X) Not much personal critical thought. But if people dig this up, why not? My original "creepy media" posts for the spooky season were the Magic the Gathring ones - but they are not doing quite well, so I can switch to posts about World of Darkness if that's what my audience wants! I just need to conclude the series of post for Dark Ascension that is stored in my drafts, and then I could switch to the White Wolf games

[whatawalrus]

Little bit late here but how do you best see Darin’s dynamic in your headcanons? This coming from someone who ships them but sees it as kind of a toxic doomed situationship with one of them (always Daan) dying in the Festival.

Oh you're not late at all! I'm just slow af. XD

It will depend on the scenarios. I cant really pinpoint my hcs cause I try to line up with their canon nature, but know they are in a dire situation, being in the termina festival. I like to think outside of their lives.

There are alot of hcs I have, but alot of them might be different with what the fandom sees them as. Perhaps it's that part of me that like bittersweet or long sweet growth between these stubborn headbutting duo. Other parts, it was never meant to be. But i think they might being out the best with each other if they give each other a long time.

Yess! I do love the doomed situationships alot! I have read some great fics that display this so well. That appending doom and they have their time left surviving what appears fruitless.

First off, enemies to lovers; it's a VERY hard dynamic to pull off. They weirdly bounce off each other very well, but some cases, people mistake abuse for chemistry too. I am guilty of this trope, and maybe because of this, I was delighted by the ship (plusssss my friends got me into it xD).

-------

The Endless and the Blank soul. A void going on forever. There's nothing but space, but it keeps going on. The Blank soul has 'Endless' potential. The Endless Soul has no finish line, blank sets of pages to skip through.

Both have some things in common, both are "selflessly selfish" in their own way. Might not be the best phase of meaning, but let me explain.

Karin pursuits selfless causes since she was young, engaging in protests against the Breman Empire, covering wars (lol) as a journalist and is compassionate for the unfortunate. A bleeding heart if you will. Remember, even being in upperclass, she was raised away from wealth from her kidnapping. She stops at nothing to get a concrete answer for everything and everyone she seeks out, and she does it very well, giving her fighting spirit. That being said, she does these without much consideration on other's feelings or opinions with how she does things, making her self-centered. She has tunnel vision, when she has a goal, thats all that matters. It makes her appear self-righteous and out of her depth. Karin definitely wears her career on her sleeve, with may come to the negative stereotype of journalists being pushy, nosy vultures. Given the "Karen" personality she has, it does not help her case.

Daan is a man who seen and experienced trauma, which he uses for helping others. A man who lives for others. Daan is very good at a doctor, passionate about it, we see him trying to aid the moonschorched villagers despite his sarcastic wit. He is willing to sacrifice his mind and body for healing others given his skill abilites relates to healing. From his background, he is sympathetic towards some contestants like Levi and Marina and rather protective of them (yes the BOP scene counts lol). The otherside is Daan can be very callous, haughty and condescending. Yes, he is polite on the outside, but its a shield; the events of Termina cracks that facade. He expresses the doom and gloom, dimissive of the silver lining. According to some folks, Daan appears as conceited and poking fun at their expense. Now that doesn't mean he thinks he is better than anyone, he had so many misfortunes in life that he is blinded by cynicism. His suffering is in serect in guilt and shame, that he seems to reflect in his sarcastic humor and sometimes projects on others. He sacrifices himself as self punishment than a viture. A doctor's job is self-sacrificing, but the way it is displayed as self-destructive. He believes he has nothing left. It doesn't help that Pocketcat is encouraging his thoughts that his life was never his in the first place. He is not his own person, he's a vessel. So why should he care what happens to him? Someone will think he is reckless and selfish how he is destroying himself slowly.

---

Let me make it clear; depression can be such a destructive force of oneself, and that sometimes one can be so absorbed in their self-punishment, they become deaf to other's feelings or even resentful of them. It can make one recluse away, hiding from what can help you. It makes you appear selfish or act on selflish tendencies. This is from someone who has been diagnosed with chronic depression disorder and it has been severe since.

---

(Fuck that was stupid and harsh on Daan, i see him as he is and from my experiences of depression and seeing friends who suffer similarly too. What happened to him is not his fault. but let me get to the hcs...?)

I like to hc alot of growth of characters being out of the festival. I am sure they act differently when not on the brick of death. It brought out the worst in people to survive.

Example; they escaped, pondering their lives afterwards. One wants to spread the word of the horrors she witness, the world needs to know to prevent this from happening again. The other, he has went with nothing to return to, only motivated by what happened to his wife and the baron.

It would be interesting to see how they will intertwined later in life.

I had ideas of drabble on how harsh Karin can be about Daan's self-deprecating humor, he will dismiss his survival as "coincidental" or his aid for others wasn't anything special. Karin is passionate and won't take his pity nonsense, be blunt on what he is was the many reasons many folks are alive and give himself more credit. Daan might ground her into reailty to see the forset for the trees cause she doesnt grounds herself in reality depsite of her denial of magic. Something like that. Both can learn alot from each other. Maybe they aren't made to last, but they would change for good cause of they knew each other....in three days. Idk anymore

I rambled way too much. Might offended some folks, might be wrong in some. Many of these thoughts are from the games, friend discussions and some fanfics that are close to the canon, i take it as such. Modern Man Traditional Medicine by @ vampireghostlawyer is one of the best ones I read. If you want more sweet, @ BrickleandFickle has very wholesome ones. Ther3es other fics can't recall but i will add a shoutout when i remember them

[shai-manahan]

hello!!! how are you? :) i was wondering if maybe you could teach me how to make diverse characters? like fr i try so hard to make characters from diverse background but always end up with the same old american or british character when there are so many nationalities to be covered!! if i could learn even a fraction of your greatness i'd be grateful to you for life 😗👉👈

p.s. the last time i attempted to make a nepali character i was almost stoned to death so im terrified of creating new characters incase i offend someone accidentally... ehe

It’s not really something I can teach. I can only offer my opinions, and I am certain that other writers of color will not feel the same way in some regards, so please understand that while I made a long post about this, you shouldn’t use this as the only guide you’ll use for writing. This is not a list of everything you need to know. I can see you’re being genuine about it, but there’s a whole lot of extensive research you’ll have to do based on what you’ve said in this ask.

First of all, I think it would be a better idea for you to take a moment and assess why your readers hated the way your Nepali character has been portrayed. Because I’m going to be honest with you; even minority authors are terrified of writing characters that have a similar heritage with them -- perhaps on an even larger extent compared to when white authors write characters of color -- and that fear never really goes away. We also make mistakes. We sometimes make writing decisions that are seen as bad by the people belonging to our communities. But we do try to learn from them, and that’s what matters the most.

So your first step should be to look back, trace your logic, figure out what went wrong and what you can do to prevent it from happening again, and only when that happens can you attempt to write characters that come from varying origins. 

I know it’s easier to avoid all that effort and make it so that every character in your story comes from one or two backgrounds only, but using that reason, wherein an author refuses to write characters of color because they can’t be bothered to research other people’s experiences... it’s honestly a lazy decision that will make your readers of color to feel excluded. 

But of course, writing a harmful representation of minorities is just as bad, if not worse. I am by no means an expert, but I do have some general tips you can perhaps start with. 

1. Research

I know this is already a given, but I cannot tell you how many writers tend to skip this stage. Make sure that your sources are reliable, preferably written or made by people who come from that culture themself, and gather every single bit of information you can while keeping in mind that not everything you see in a single google search would be accurate. Look at the associated stereotypes, study their culture, read memoirs, articles, studies, etc., and start building a backstory for your characters.

2. Get sensitivity readers

This is very important. If you know people who would be willing to give their feedback for free, then good for you. But take note that whether or not you paid for their services, there is a possibility that there could be some bias existing, so please, if you can, get multiple sensitivity readers. One person’s opinion should not be your sole source of information. People who belong to minorities are not a monolith, after all. 

Also! Please, please never accuse anyone of racefaking. There is no excuse to this. Just because a person doesn’t agree with you, no one has the right to accuse anyone of that. I have seen some authors do this... and it’s highly disturbing. (and no, it doesn’t matter if you’re getting the rudest anons on your blog. it’s blatantly racist)

Just keep an open mind about everything you might hear, because some of them will be uncomfortable to your ears and might even seem harsh through your perspective. It won’t even be surprising if some of your testers simply walk away after an argument or two, as it can seriously be tiring to have to explain to an author what they have done wrong -- much more if the author never took an effort to listen -- but like with everything else, you can learn from your mistakes.

3. Writing characters of color should not be a mere part of a checklist

Look, this needs to be said. A mere mention of your character’s nationality is never enough for a representation. I’m including this because I am seeing countless stories where the supposedly ethnically diverse characters aren’t really... diverse. Regardless of their viewpoints towards their heritage, people’s ethnicities do affect the way they live in some ways (as well as their gender, education, sexuality, religion, and social status) and some authors seem to forget that. 

I hate seeing writing advice being phrased like -- “it doesn’t matter where they’re from! just write them as you would any other character!” -- because while there are some points to consider there, people coming from vastly different cultures would be shaped by those cultures no matter what, albeit in different ways.

As such, even things like answering asks on your blog and describing their favorite things aren’t enough to say that you're properly representing them. If you as an author can't manage to include how the character's identity affects them within the narrative of the game, then what is it all for?

Be careful about distancing your character from their culture too much as well. Unless you have another character with the same heritage that balances that out, this is almost like you’re erasing the identity they had to live with. You are not being diverse by doing this; you are simply stripping away the very thing that has molded your character’s life; and it is such a huge disrespect to the people who have been wanting so long to finally see their identities be represented properly for once. You’re refusing to do the work that should have come with using that background. You are stealing it.

If you want to show that you respect the ethnicities from which your characters come, then make efforts to represent who they really are, not just the portions of their habits that you find interesting enough to parade around.

And I will be brutally honest here. If you can replace a minority character's ethnicity in your head while reading the story and everything remains the same, then I have to say the author has failed. Of course, this will only be assessed when the story’s over, because character developments happen. But they do have to happen.

4. Keep reading works made by people from those backgrounds (and support them if you can)

I don’t think I need to elaborate too much on that. Most of the time, it’s a great way to see the relevant issues the writer themself faces daily within their community, and reading their works might provide you some understanding. And yes, my work does reflect mine to some extent.

Some more points to consider:

Avoid tokenizing your characters.  

Don’t expect praise for the diversity you’ll be including, no matter how detailed they will be.

There are simply some cultures you absolutely cannot touch -- those wherein research and even getting help from others would not be enough. When that happens, back off respectfully. I have an Agta background (some call it Aeta) and I am seriously scared of seeing our heritage in a white author’s work, because there’s too many misconceptions even in actual published books to the point that it’s improbable to represent it well unless you have someone who directly comes from that ethnicity.

Research more into cultural appropriation and fetishization, then learn how to avoid them.

Consider your character’s interactions with those who are not part of the minority. There are huge stereotypes here that might be difficult for some to avoid.

If you have to, you can use tropes and stereotypes for the sole purpose of deconstructing them. But I do not advise you to do this unless you have a good grasp of the implications behind them. I use this with some of the ROs in Hollowed Minds, and I can attest that you have to be very careful.

Be mindful of the privilege and prejudices you have as you write.

There is no one perfect way of representing minorities, and characters should also be portrayed as individuals.

Things you might want to avoid when writing BIPOC unless you are one:

Racism

Slavery/Human trafficking 

Colonization

Excessive violence towards that particular group

Segregation systems

Tragedy exploitation in general

I hope this helps a little. I can share some insights as to how I prepared creating my characters in Hollowed Minds, especially with Alonzo and Jade, but you would have to ask more specific questions. I’ve spent a lot of time on figuring out their identities, and there’s so much I want to share that I can’t include here (the post is long enough).

For some parting words, let me just say this. Be prepared to do a lot of revisions. There will be inaccuracies in your writing, and there will be mistakes. No one expects you as an author to be 100% accurate on your first attempt, but do your part, learn to accept valid criticism, and your readers will be a lot more forgiving. After all, while you have the right to include what you want to write, it would be wise to remember some of these have responsibilities attached. Good luck on your writing!

[rose-sophia-isabella-rogers]

A Tide That Turned Everything: Chapter II - Reunion Through Pain and Tears

Chapter Summary: Vasily makes decision that costs him a lot. Alina is worried, because she can't find Mal anywhere. Aleksander crashes the engagement party. And you? You have to choose a side.

Pairing: Aleksander Kirigan/Reader, Ivan/Fedyor Kaminsky, Alina Starkov/Mal Oretsev

Characters: Aleksander Kirigan, Reader, Fedyor Kaminsky, Alina Starkov, Nadia Zhabin, Ivan, Nikolai Lantsov, Adrik Zhabin

Word Count: 3708

A/N: WARNING: this chapter contains an implied rape. If you're sensitive about this, don't like reading about it or are under 18, please skip from: "His hands grab your arms and his fingers travel down slowly." to: "You're scared, terrified.". Enjoy! tsar - ruler, king Inspired by prompts: https://pl.pinterest.com/pin/207306389089718813/ https://pl.pinterest.com/pin/207306389089559826/ https://pl.pinterest.com/pin/207306389089683715/ https://pl.pinterest.com/pin/207306389089683671/ This chapter also contains plot from fourth episode of season two.

Tag list (let me know if you want to be added or removed):

@budugu

@intothesoul

@mizelophsun11

@pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy

@zeeader

Natasha and Jana are getting your measurements for a new kefta for a party. Well, the party. The engagement party of Nikolai and Alina. Because the Lantsovs have to celebrate it.

'You really don't have to do this,' you say to your friends.

'Grisha are not the only ones that miss their lives in the Little Palace,' Natasha simply says. You nod understanding. Jana opens her mouth to add something, but then her face goes white. You frown and turn around. You stiffen, seeing Vasily Lantsov in your doorway.

'Leave,' he orders your friends. They look at you, ready to defy Lantsov for you. Your heart warms up. But you can't let them get in trouble because of you.

'It's alright,' you tell them quietly. Natasha and Jana shoot you a doubtful look, but leave your room. You straighten up and look at Vasily.

'How can I help you, moi tsarevich?' you ask. Vasily glances at retreating Jana and Natasha.

'You know, I remember when not so long ago you were wearing clothes like them as well,' Vasily says and looks at you. 'Simple serving girl, a nobody. Look at you now. A powerful Tidemaker and General Kirigan's pet.'

You clench your teeth and fists. You force yourself to exhale and calm down. It will do you no good to insult him.

'I am no one's pet,' you say, your voice even, which surprises you. Vasily scoffs and starts walking around the room.

'No one trusts you, you know,' he says. 'Except for the Sun Summoner but she can't change everyone's opinion on you. Do you know why it is like that?'

'Enlighten me, moi tsarevich,' you say, forcing yourself to keep calm.

'Because years ago, you refused to spy General Kirigan for me,' Vasily says. Your heart speeds up a bit. You remember that. How scared you were, standing in front of him in his chambers. And how Grisha were using you after that, because he allowed them to. But you're no longer that scared servant anymore.

'I doubt it would change a thing,' you say. 'General Kirigan told me nothing that would help you stop him from what he did. I had no idea about his plans of expanding the Fold. In fact, in the last months, we have drifted apart.'

'And that hurts you, doesn't it?' Vasily asks with a sly smirk.

'I admit, I thought we were friends,' you answer. 'Clearly, I was wrong. A mistake that almost cost me my life.'

'Oh, come on,' Vasily chuckles. 'Everyone knows you've been fucking him! You've been his personal whore!'

You manage not to flinch. But anger boils inside you.

'I was not,' you deny. Vasily walks closer to you. It takes everything inside you not to recoil in disgust.

'I find hard to believe,' he says, touching your cheek, 'that General Kirigan would just walk past your beauty with indifference.'

'He looked for more than beauty in women,' you say and take a step back. 'Now, if you don't mind, I would ask you to leave. Please.'

'The Sun Summoner can't help you,' Vasily says. 'But I can keep you safe here. All I ask…'

His hands grab your arms and his fingers travel down slowly. You tense.

'… is a bit attention from you whenever I ask,' he finishes, grinning lecherously. Oh, hell no.

'I think I'll manage without your… protection,' you answer. 'Now, please, leave.'

'It's funny that you think you have a choice in the matter,' Vasily says. As if on cue, the door opens and few of his loyal soldiers walk in. Your heart stops. You recognise them.

You curse yourself. You were stupid. You allowed Vasily to get so close that he now holds your arms. You can't summon.

'I believe you know each other,' the prince says, as his men surround you. 'I've been told you had quite fun together.'

'It says a lot about you if you consider torture fun,' you growl.

'Well, they did want something more,' Vasily says. 'But you escaped, hurting them badly.'

'I did what I did to survive,' you say. 'I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it.'

Vasily slaps you. You don't even flinch. His men hurt you much more.

'Don't worry, they will make up for lost time,' he says. 'And remember during that, that it will hurt less, maybe even will be pleasurable for you, when you agree to my terms.'

'When.' He's stupid to assume you will break. Well, he doesn't know you.

'You will regret this,' you say, your voice low. Vasily sneers at you.

'It's your word against mine and my soldiers,' he says. 'Who do you think everyone will believe? And one word from me and you're going to be executed for treason.'

You glare at him. His men take your arms and he steps away. He cups your face and your teeth want to bite his hand off.

'As much as I'd like to join you, I want you to come to me for this,' he says. 'I'll enjoy your humiliation.'

'You will never see it,' you vow to him. Vasily smirks at you, turns and leaves. At once you try to struggle. You manage to free one arm, but you are thrusted on your bed on your stomach. Your hand lands under you.

You feel something metal with it. You grasp it and feel it. You squeeze it tightly. It's your necklace. You hold on to it, make it your anchor.

A soldier grabs your arm and pulls it from under you. You rip off the necklace and hold it. You feel hands on your body and shiver. You close your eyes tightly.

You're scared, terrified. Maybe that's why you do it, even though you haven't done it in weeks. You were telling yourself you would never do it again.

'Aleksander…' you whisper, your voice broken and filled with pain, '… please, come for me… take me home…'

*

The party is much bigger than you thought. You're pretty sure Vasily has invited the whole Caryeva, from where his… friends are. Which is not good. Because at the moment you want to hide somewhere and cry, as you have been ever since…

No. None of that. You have to be brave. For Alina. And so people wouldn't think you are a traitor after all.

'Hey,' says the woman herself, coming to you dressed in an army uniform. 'Have you seen Mal?'

'It's good to see you, too,' you say, amused. Alina smiles at you apologetically.

'Sorry,' she says. 'It's just-'

'You're worried,' you finish and look around. 'To be honest, I haven't seen him in a while… I'll ask around.

'Thank you,' Alina says, grateful. You nod at her. She frowns suddenly.

'Are you alright?' she asks. You frown.

'Why wouldn't I be?' you ask.

'It's just… you seem a bit… sad,' Alina answers. 'And you look a bit… rattled.'

You tense. Your friend looks at you with worry.

'Did something happen?' she asks. You stare at her. You could tell her about Vasily. She would believe you. You know she despises him. But what good would that do? He still could just declare you traitor and order your execution. So, you force a smile.

'I'm just tired,' you insist. 'And maybe a bit stressed about how everyone is not trusting me.'

'Right,' Alina says, nodding. 'If I can do anything-'

'You're already doing enough,' you assure her with a smile and step away. You walk through the ballroom, asking about your mutual friend.

'Have you seen Mal?' you ask Natasha and Jana. They shake their heads. Jana sighs.

'Sadly, no,' she says. 'And believe me, I've been looking. This tracker is so handsome and charming. I wouldn't mind showing him my room.'

'When you say room…' Natasha says slowly, wincing.

'I obviously mean our room,' Jana says and smirks. 'Natasha, you dirty girl!'

'You're the dirty one and you know it,' Nat says.

'Could you two focus for a moment, please,' you ask, albeit a bit amused. 'It's not like him to be so late.'

'We'll ask around,' Natasha promises. 'I'm sure one of the servants must have seen him.'

'Thank you,' you say, nodding your head.

'I'll start right away,' Jana chirps and quickly rushes away. You chuckle. Natasha rolls her eyes, but then looks at you with worry.

'[Y/N]… I know you're insisting you're alright,' she says quietly. 'But it's clear you're not. What's wrong?'

'Nothing,' you lie, forcing a smile on your face. Natasha doesn't believe you.

'What happened with Prince Vasily after we left?' she asks. You tense.

'Nothing happened with Prince Vasily,' you insist. And technically you're not lying. Nothing happened with him.

'You're not alone, [Y/N],' Natasha says, taking your hand. 'Remember that. We're still your friends.'

'Thank you,' you say, smiling. You pull your hand away. You have to go or you'll start crying in the middle of the party.

'I have to look for Mal,' you say and turn to walk away. You search for your friend and ask about him. Until a certain voice calls:

'A toast!'

People quiet down. You turn and see Vasily walking up to the podium. You shiver involuntarily. You glare at him, as he raises his glass.

'I'd like to share some words about my brother… Nikolai,' Vasily says, pointing with his hand at Nikolai and smiling in a not nice way. 'Yes, yes, we all know he's pretentious...'

He chuckles. You want to vomit. Or splash him. Or better yet, treat him with a Cut. Seriously, when you think about what he did to you, you feel your fingers tingling. You can feel your power gathering at your fingertips…

'... condescending, a man of the people,' Vasily goes on. 'But he has some hidden qualities, too. His intended should-'

He's interrupted by two shadow things falling from the glass ceiling dome. Your eyes go wide. People around you scream and panic. Shadow things take humanoid forms. But when soldiers shoot at them, nothing happens. They grab soldiers and throw them like they're dolls.

People hide. Near the doors, behind tables. You choose a table. Unfortunately, it's the one near the podium. You and Vasily look at each other at the same time. And you don't like what you see in his gaze.

'He won't allow to hurt his whore,' he growls and makes a run for you. You gasp when he grabs your arm… But he barely grasps it, when one of the creatures grabs him and raises him in the air.

Vasily screams. But not for long. Because the creature tears him apart. You watch it all with shock. You barely hear the Queen's scream. But you see that when Alina uses her powers on the creatures, it doesn't work as well.

'[Y/N]!' Natasha and Jana exclaim, somehow managing to sneak to you. Just then one creature grabs the King. He's killed as well.

'Nikolai and the Queen are next,' Jana guesses, her face pale. And yes, the creatures turn to the prince, who's holding his mother protectively. But Nadia and Adrik manage to stop them with their powers. Even if only for a moment, it's enough for the party to evacuate.

'Come on!' Natasha shouts, grabbing you with Jana. They pull you out of the room, clearly deciding to protect you.

*

Alina runs with Adrik, Tamar and Nadia. But suddenly she stops, seeing Kirigan. She leaves her friends and follows him. They face each other on a corridor. She attacks him but he suddenly disappears. She turns, stunned, but hears his voice behind her:

'It's good to see you, Alina.'

She turns around and gasps. He's standing not far away.

'You're not real,' she says.

'The Sea Whip has made you stronger,' he says. 'I always told you, you were meant for more. Power suits you.'

'Stay away from me,' Alina says, seething. Aleksander smiles slightly.

'Believe it or not, but I'm not here for you,' he says. 'At least not today.'

Alina frowns. She has thought he's… sort of in love with her. So, naturally, she assumed he's here to kill his enemies and kidnap her. Was she wrong?

'Then what for?' she demands. 'To kill my friends?'

'Only the Lantsovs,' Aleksander answers. 'But my creations are somewhat unpredictable. Not unlike you.'

'Get out of my head,' Alina says through gritted teeth.

'I have no intention of hurting you,' Aleksander assures her. 'You must know that by now.'

'Forgive me if I don't take you at your word,' Alina scoffs.

'I was always honest with you about things that mattered.'

'Like creating the Fold?'

'Your obsession with the Fold is naive. Destroying it won't solve Ravka's problems. They've hated us and hunted us long before the Fold existed. I was there.'

'You don't want me to tear down the Fold, because if I do, I'll destroy the only thing you have left.'

Aleksander's lips twitch upward. Your face shows up in his head. He still has you. He must believe it. So, he shakes his head.

'The Fold is not the only thing I have left,' he says. Alina frowns, trying to figure out what else he can have left. He doesn't have her. He must know that. He's not that stupid. His mother stood up to him, so he can't also mean Baghra. His loyal Grisha? Ravka? His shadow monsters? She doesn't know. And she doesn't have time to just stand here and try to figure it out.

'Then I'll come after everything else you have left, too,' she says and glares at him. 'Like you have come after what I have.'

Aleksander's look darkens. Alina almost shivers. She does take a step back. But Kirigan takes a step forward and looms over her.

'You will find the moment you hurt her is the moment I tear out your heart and shatter your bones,' he snarls. 'If you dare destroy her as you have threatened, then they'll find nothing left of you.'

Alina stares at him, shocked, her face white. She thought Aleksander is obsessed with her, wants her as his partner, his equal. But what he said… makes her thinks there's someone else. But… who can it be?

'Who?' she asks. Kirigan stares at her. He shakes his head.

'You won't come near her,' he says. 'I've already broken my promise to her. I won't let anyone else hurt her. Especially you.'

Alina is really confused. She doesn't even hear Adrik, who's showed up behind her. Aleksander leans down to her ear.

'I'll see you soon,' he whispers and he's gone. Adrik startles Alina. She turns back, but there's no sight of Aleksander. As if he was never there. Alina shivers. Both from what happened and from what he said. She fears what he meant. And wonders who he is after.

*

Nikolai sends his mother to a safe place and then returns to make sure everyone else gets out. He saves some of the staff and decides to follow others with his guards. But after they turn a few corners, they're forced to stop. Because at the end of the corridor stands no other than General Kirigan himself.

He stares calmly at Nikolay. Guards put themselves in front of their prince. Their new king.

'Where is she?' Kirigan asks.

'You will not get Alina,' Nikolay says strongly. Aleksander tilts his head slightly.

'I am not here for Miss Starkov,' he declares. 'Not today.'

They're puzzled. Nikolay tries to think who he can have in mind… and them remembers the stories how he went above and beyond to save one person. You.

'[Y/N] [L/N],' Nikolay says. 'You're here for her. But you won't get her.'

'Give her back to me,' Aleksander says, the look in his eyes darkening. 'And I'll let you go today.'

'Why would she go with you?' a servant behind Nikolay asks, anger in his voice. 'So she could suffer because of you again?'

Aleksander's eyes land on him. Ah. What was it? Tommy. The stableboy that has a crush on you. Honestly, Kirigan would be more than happy to kill him. But he knows you would never forgive him murdering your friend.

'On the contrary, I'm here to make sure she never suffers again,' he says.

'Then leave her alone!' Tommy spats, ignoring how others try to hush him. 'Ever since she met you, she's been kidnapped all the time, tortured and Saints know what else! She got nothing but pain for her loyalty to you!'

Aleksander narrows his eyes. Anger burns in him. Shadows form around him menacingly.

'I advise you to choose your next words very carefully,' he hisses.

'Just kill me right away,' Tommy snarls. 'I know you want to. I saw how you've always looked at me.'

'I want to, I admit,' Aleksander says and shakes his head. 'But you're her friend. She would never forgive me that.'

Tommy is actually taken aback. He opens his mouth, but Nikolai stops him with his hand. He motions with his head at Tommy.

'He's right,' the prince says. 'Leave her alone. She doesn't want to have anything to do with you.'

'If that's the case, then why did she call for me and asked me to take her?' Aleksander asks. Nikolai and others stare at him, stunned. Tommy can't believe it. He opens his mouth-

A scream gets their attention. Aleksander tenses. He knows that scream. He looks behind his adversaries and sees you, held by one of Vasily's soldiers. Next to you are shocked Jana and Natasha.

'Are you mad?!' Jana yells. 'Let her go!'

'His whore for our tsar[1] and tsarevich!' the one that holds you barks.

'How dare you?!' Natasha asks, outraged. 'Release her at once!'

The soldier opens his mouth to answer her… but one of the creatures grabs him and throws him out of the window. Natasha and Jana scream. You stare at the monster with wide eyes.

'[Y/N]…' Jana whimpers when the creature turns to you. 'Come on…'

But you stay put. Because the monster doesn't attack you. It just stares at you… and only now you notice it stands between you and other soldiers of Vasily.

Just then, you have that familiar feeling you always have whenever certain someone is looking at you. You turn your head to the left. You barely see Nikolay, Tommy and others. Your eyes are glued to Kirigan's anxious and desperate face. Tears well up in your eyes.

'Aleksander…' you whisper. Natasha grabs your arm. You look at her. She stares at you anxiously.

'[Y/N], don't,' she pleads. 'I know you love him. But he's not the man you thought he was. He… he's a monster. Don't forget all the people he killed.'

You turn your face back to Aleksander. You look at him long and hard, but all you see is a man broken by years of tragedy and pain, forced to do the unspeakable. Not the monster everyone says he is.

'I'm sorry,' you say and turn to your friends, sorrow in your eyes. 'I'm so, so sorry.'

'No-' Jana starts. You free yourself from Natasha's grasp and bolt toward Aleksander. You see relief instantly lighting up his face. You speed up.

But another soldier runs at you. However, he suddenly grasps his chest and falls on his knees, groaning. You stop and turn your head. Fedyor smiles at you.

'Go, we've got you covered,' he says. You see Ivan hurrying to you, his face covered in scars. You smile at them both and run again to Aleksander.

He uses his powers to create an aisle between Nikolay's men. You hear their screams but can't see them in the darkness. You hope they're okay as you run past them… and straight into Aleksander's open arms.

He embraces you tightly and you hide your face in his chest. Instantly, the familiar feeling of safeness fills you. You feel you're about to cry from relief. You pull away and look up at him after a moment.

'You're alive,' you whisper, cupping his cheek. 'And here. You're actually here. How? How did you-?'

'You called,' he says simply, mirroring your move. 'I promised you to always come. It's one promise I never intend to break. Not again. You're going to be okay now. You're home.'

A sob leaves your lips. Aleksander quickly silences it with a kiss. You sigh into his mouth and kiss him back. You finally feel whole again. Something wet falls on your cheeks. Tears. But not yours. Aleksander's.

'[Y/N]!' you suddenly hear. You pull away and turn. Tommy looks at you with a heartbroken expression. You haven't even noticed the shadows are gone. Nikolai and his men are also looking at you, shocked.

'I'm sorry,' you say, looking at Tommy. You apologise for choosing the opposite side. For not loving him like he loves you.

'I really am,' you say, this time looking at Nikolai. You have taken a liking to him. He was different than his family. Good. He could be a good king. But you can't fight against Aleksander.

'For tsar and tsarevich!' you hear. You turn and your eyes go wide. Behind Aleksander, a few soldiers prepare to shoot him. You know they won't kill him. But they also were in your room then. They also- And now they want to kill Kirigan.

Your eyes narrow in anger. You push surprised Aleksander to the side. The men are about to fire but you're quicker. You form ice shards in front of you and send them at the men, letting out a yell. They fall on the ground, groaning and screaming.

Behind you, Nikolay, his soldiers, Tommy, Natasha and Jana stare at you, shocked. Fedyor and Ivan, who join you and Kirigan, aren't at all surprised. They know you won't stop at anything to keep Aleksander save. The man himself look at you with surprise, but also with awe.

So that's what you are.

'Let's go,' Aleksander says, grasping your hand. You shoot one last apologetic glance at your friends and follow your lover. Fedyor and Ivan follow you. And you leave. Your previous life, your friends… and maybe even your morals a bit.

A/N: Thank you for reading! Let me know your thoughts! Reblog, like and comment if you could.

This can also be found on Archive of Our Own: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49965037/chapters/126310537

[wild-wombytch]

Mix of reading review and personal shits and existential crisis about lesbianism : (also TW for rape, I'm putting the most TMI paragraphs in purple so you can skip them)

I finished reading a French book with pictures and portraits of lesbians. While I liked it (there are especially fascinating portraits of immigrant lesbians and elderly lesbians), I have mixed feelings about it.

On the bright side, no TIM apparently, even a TIF dating only lesbians and not pretending to be male who was quite wholesome to read about. We stan endangered species.

And the less bright side...A lot of the women here seem to be bisexuals calling themselves lesbians and saying they "became" lesbians or they made a choice or were "happy" with their male exes. A lot of uses of "queer" (although all these women undeniably are SSA, have sex with and date women). The average experience seems to be women who were with their moid for 8y or so, had kids with them, and then had experiences with women or met their current long-term female partner and have more babies with them.

It's a bit disappointing. Like, I can understand older women who married long term with men maybe being lesbians. I can understand women trying to be with men (like I did) because they had no real representation of lesbian relationships (especially in rural/very religious areas) and never questioned their lack of attraction to men because they thought everyone was meh about them and hetero relationships were seen as the "default" or because they were afraid of their attraction to women.

But I'm sorry, women who are happy with men can't be lesbian by definition. And women who stay for YEARS with their moids... like c'mon. (Kinda TMI following) I spent two weeks and a half with "mine" because I was stuck in a foreign country and couldn't go home after two days there and I already felt sick and wanted to kms and had genuine mental breakdowns curling on the floor crying and only calming down by mentally organising my luggage and making plans to maybe hitchhike and panhandle my way to the airport while taking opioids until I was numb enough to be gaslighted into giving him another chance. And another. And another...and so on.

Technically, I was never fully penetrated because I was so repelled that I became a venus flytrap and I'm thinking that the bleeding I had was more about having tears down there than my hymen. Very much a "you shall not pass" moment.

When I tried again with a male thinking that maybe it was just because the other one sucked as a person and disgusted me as an individual and other men would be different, I almost threw up during intimacy and cried (which didn't keep him from forcing me to sex acts I didn't want and which made me sick and hurt me anyway).

Genuine question: do y'all think it's possible to be lesbian when you're with a man for years? To be lesbian and have kids with your husband? Could it be internalized lesbophobia and lack of solid French lesbian community ? Or is it genuinely impossible in your opinion?

Because at the same time...a lot of these women also spent like 15, 20y with their current partners and couldn't be with men anymore if they were single.

But it bothers me. From one hand, this book is good at getting rid of the guilt of having been with men/raped by men, but on the other hand...I genuinely couldn't relate to the average narrative there. There was I believe 1-2 lesbian only who were gold stars and while some say men weren't for them or were a mistake...I haven't seen strong words against men and the male body or penises.

Like, for me, what makes me call myself a lesbian is not just my love/desire/attraction to women, it's also my repulsion for the male body, no matter how much I attempted to "fix" it. (Kinda TMI) And looking in hindsight to all the signs, like constantly ""joking"" "haha but what if I'm a lesbian" or being against traveling (before caving in the pressure) because just reading about penetration genuinely made me sick to the stomach and made me dizzy in a bad way, even before I was confronted to actual irl dicks (that plus dysphoria). I went with men in the first place because I'm fucked up and struggle to dissociate friendship, fear and love, and my ex was the first person who seemed to not treat me like garbage (the very first days we met online at least, afterwards it's a very different story) and because I had problems with alcohol and stuff and thought I was pansexual because I was attracted to women but never asking myself if I ever felt something for men (I didn't, except fear. Which sometimes gets tangled with having "butterflies" because again, I'm fucked up).

Idk, for me lesbianism by definition is tied to repulsion or at the very least indifference towards the male body (all the male bodies, not just the ones who traumatized you), not just attraction to the female body, which can be bisexuality.

I'm also curious (since I see this hot topic a lot) about everyone's opinion about women who simp for, say, fictional men (maybe even exclusively feminine male characters, created to cater to a female audience). Who for example have fantasies about them, which don't involve penetrative sex, thinking of dicks or male characteristics they'd be confronted to irl like smell and hair and average moid behaviours. Could it be internalized homophobia/misogyny? A way to feel safe/deal with some ossues they had with males? Can they be lesbians (maybe lesbian in denial)? If so, does it i stop once they accept themselves? Or is it a dead giveaway of bisexuality? Curious of what radfems think about this since I've since very varying opinions on Reddit and such and met women like that irl.