#But I also have to start a journey with a psychiatrist and then once I'm a bit more stable also with a therapist

[enjoltrwolfstar]

-

[godspeedviper]

How the Therapists Handle your Suspicions - Headcanons

𖤐 SFW || TW: mentions of psychiatric hospitalization

𖤐 Requested by @cthulhu-cat : Can I please get headcanons of the psychiatrists with someone who has distrust of mental health workers? (i.e. "If I'm honest, I might get committed." "They wouldn't understand." "They'd look down on me if I admitted this.")

Dr Jonathan Crane (Scarecrow)

It's the "hard" patients he likes the most. Jonathan Crane has always been up for a challenge, but what he really enjoys is the fear. He knows how to read fear in its many expressions; as standoffish behavior, as shyness, as body language and tone.

As soon as he identifies his patient's expression of fear he switches tactics. Watching him transform his entire demeanor in a matter of seconds only intensifies the fear and anxiety you feel sitting in front of him.

"Do you know what fear is, child?" It's his favorite question to ask. "A relinquishing of power. Fear is your mind telling your body to surrender. Now, are you gonna let me have all the decision making power over you, or are you going to give me something to work with?"

While his methods may be a bit harsh, they are ultimately effective. Over time he teaches you how to tackle that fear head on, how to use that emotional energy to your advantage, and ultimately how to see it in others. You're his best pupil, he tells you. He's very proud of the person you become when you bend fear to your will the same way he does.

Dr Hannibal Lecter (NBC)

Unlike Dr. Crane, Hannibal approaches apprehensive patients with a more gentle approach. He makes sure to give you a few sessions just to bond and get to know each other better before you opened up about why you're really here.

Sometimes he will offer you tea and make sessions feel more like a friendly invite. However, this doesn't mean he goes easy on you either. Hannibal seems to have bizarre skill that allows him to sense when you need some interrogation, and when you would otherwise shut down if pushed.

"Do they need to understand?" he questions you. "One does not need to understand someone in order to have sympathy for them. Anyone can see that you're suffering, so it's understandable to act up under such pressure. People can be more accepting than you initially believe."

He gives you the courage to explore vulnerability, and learn to let your guard down. Over time you come to think of him almost as a close friend. There's an inherent intimacy in Hannibal's office, he cultivates that feeling with ease.

Dr Harleen Quinzel (Harley Quinn)

There's Dr. Quinzel and then there's Harley. That is, there's Quinzel's professional side, and then her "quirky girl next door" side. As soon as she feels you holding back from her, she goes full Harley mode, talking to you like a concerned aunt.

She always does her best to make you feel safe, and you soon learn that her pristine office holds a lot of little surprises. Hidden among the filing cabinets and drawers is a cache of plushies and fidget toys.

"Would it be so bad if you were committed?" There is a sincere worry present in her eyes. "I will never purposely put you in harm's way, and I also want what's best for you. I work inpatient half the time so I'll be sure to watch you. I won't let anyone hurt you there, I promise."

You ultimately stick to just weekly visits in her office, but there is that sense of comfort knowing that if things ever got too bad, Harley would still be there on the inside to help you through the journey. You would be in safe hands.

Dr Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)

"Are you afraid of me? Or afraid of what I do as a psychiatrist?" He seems to almost be amused by your initial apprehension. He gently pokes and prods with various questions trying to get a feel for you. At first you find it a bit cruel, but as you learn over time, Hannibal loves to make everything a bit of a game.

Two can definitely play at that game. Once you pick up on this playful tone, you start to make your own moves. Sometimes you purposefully held back, taking mental note of how many ways he will try to crack you open like a thief picking a lock.

You grow fond of these sessions and look forward to each one. He inspired that mischievous spark in you, and you enjoy trying to toy with him as much as he does you. He awakens a curiosity in you to see what you'll become when you allow yourself to trust.

"They will think we're in love." He teases. Sometimes you do wonder if you love him. Sometimes you think it's just a leap, and you're simply happy that his presence in your life has really made a difference. "I'm just projecting." You tell yourself, but the truth is you don't quite know.

ao3 || guidelines || WIPs

[sanslovesblog]

Unraveling Madness: San's Dark Secrets Pt. 5

Summary: You're a brilliant psychiatrist, but you were no stranger to internal conflicts. You had accepted the task of treating Choi San, the psychiatric ward's most dangerous patient due to his violent episodes. Despite skepticism from other staff members, you believed that beneath his destructive exterior lay a vulnerable human being, yearning for understanding and acceptance.

Teaser | Master list | Pt 6

As the sun dipped below the horizon, casting an ethereal glow over the city, Choi San found himself once again in his favorite spot within the lush gardens of the local park. His heart was lighter than it had been in weeks, as he anticipated the arrival of his dear friend, Dr. Y/n. The gentle rustle of leaves and the occasional chirp of birds provided a soothing soundtrack to their conversations, creating a serene oasis amidst the hustle and bustle of city life.

Dr. Y/n, looking as radiant as ever, arrived a few moments later, your steps light and your expression bright. You took a seat beside Choi San, their shoulders gently touching as they leaned against the comforting embrace of a large tree. "So," you began, your voice soft and gentle, "how have you been feeling?"

Choi San took a deep breath, savoring the familiar scent of your perfume, before exhaling slowly. "Better, actually. The physical therapy is going well, and I'm starting to regain some strength in my hands." He glanced at you, hoping his words would convey the depth of his gratitude for all you had done.

You beamed beamed with pride. "I'm so glad to hear that! Your progress has been remarkable, Choi San. You should be proud of yourself." You reached over and gently squeezed his hand, your touch sending a warmth coursing through his veins.

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, content to simply enjoy each other's company in the peaceful surroundings. As they sat there, Choi San couldn't help but wonder about the future. He knew that the road to recovery would be long and arduous, but he also knew that he wouldn't be alone on that journey. You had promised to be by his side every step of the way, and he trusted your implicitly.

Dr. Y/n seemed to sense his thoughts, as you gently squeezed his hand again. "You know," you began, your voice thoughtful, "I've been thinking… there are a few things we could try to help with the recovery process, outside of the normal therapies. Some experimental techniques that have shown promising results. Would you be interested in exploring those options with me?"

Choi San looked up at you, hope flickering in his eyes. "Of course, Dr. Y/n. Anything that could help me regain more of my abilities, I'm willing to try." He paused, then added, "And thank you. For always going above and beyond for me."

Dr. Y/n smiled warmly, your eyes twinkling with kindness. "You're welcome, Choi San. It's not a problem. You know I'm here for you, and I'll do whatever I can to help you reach your full potential." You paused, considering your next words carefully. "I've been thinking… there's something else I'd like to discuss with you. Something that's been on my mind a lot lately."

Choi San felt a knot form in his stomach. He knew that look in your eye. It was the same one you got when you were about to say something important, something that needed to be said. He steeled himself, preparing for whatever you might say next.

Taking a break after this is posted

@skzline | @janetsarttrove | @vampzity | @xoxkii | @idfkeddieishot | @evidive

[spookylightwhispers]

On Inclusiveness

About a week ago, something happened while I was on the train. Halfway through my journey, at one stop, a man came into the train screaming. Then he sat at the one empty seat opposite me and apologized to the lady sitting beside him. I'm not sure if he did something, but after some minutes, the lady actually got up and stood near the door. And that made him mad. He starting screaming again, saying he didn't do anything, why did she get up. He went on screaming and screaming, about how society is not inclusive. He said his psychiatrist said he is getting better, and that the meds and manifesting in him. And at some point he screamed at the kid opposite him, telling the kid he should become either a lawyer, a doctor, or a psychiatrist and that he should be open-minded and make society more inclusive than it is now.

Eventually he stopped screaming. But periodically, he would randomly start screaming again. One of the things he said was that he's not stupid. And that he watches CNA (Channel News Asia), not Suria.

Twice too, he got up and went to this man standing near the door and apologized to him. The man was like "oh it's okay, no problem". Each time after apologizing he would go back to his seat. When there were empty seats beside him he called on the man to sit but he declined.

And at some point during the journey he called out to me. He called out "puan, puan". I knew he was calling me because he was speaking in Malay like he did with the man earlier. So I looked up and looked at him. And once again he started apologizing to me even though he didn't do anything to me, but I guess he was apologizing for shouting and screaming. He went on talking and explaining himself and the whole time I just kept smiling and nodding my head. Several times he mentioned his psychiatrist said he's getting better. He said he couldn't help but to let some things out, hence the screaming, but he's getting better, he's getting better. I would've given him a thumbs up but didn't want to risk coming across as being sarcastic so I didn't.

He also said you wear the hijab, you are a Muslim, I respect you. If I needed directions to somewhere I wouldn't approach others but I'd approach you because you wear hijab and I respect you. (I guess I should mention he is also a Muslim and hence why the people he chose to spoke to were also Muslim/Malay because he was probably more comfortable. and less likely to get judged. maybe, maybe...)

Finally he stopped talking. And I could feel myself tearing up, I was just focusing on not crying. I don't know why I felt sad. I felt sad.

It's so easy to parrot on about being an inclusive society. That was the exact topic I had discussed in class earlier in the morning. Yet, when you actually come across and meet the people who are being excluded, all you can do is just look down, avoid eye contact and pretend they don't exist. That's what everyone on the cabin was doing. They ignored him, ignored his screaming, did not look at him. Like as if he was invisible. I would have striked up a conversation except I haven't reached that level yet.

I'm not sure if he's schizophrenic, or what his condition was exactly but he seemed to be hallucinating. One of the things he said to me was that despite his behaviour, whatever he says is not offensive, and that he doesn't insult anyone. Which is true. He wasn't violent either. The most violent he got was during one of his screaming episodes while he was seemingly hallucinating. By that point the cabin had gotten pretty empty because the train was just a couple stops away from the last stop. So when he started screaming and pointing I knew he was definitely hallucinating because he was pointing at an empty seat, no one was there but he screamed to some invisible figure i couldn't see. And this was about as violent as he got — he stood up and moved like as if he was about to punch this non-existent person but stopped short of punching the air. He pointed and screamed "You break my soul, I break your face."

I can't forget this man and I don't think I ever will. Despite his somewhat "disruptive" behaviour, he actually seemed like a nice guy. Thoughtful, reflective, sentimental, smart. When he screamed earlier about not being stupid and that he watches the news, it might've sounded kind of funny. But it's true, he isn't stupid. His words were a bit slurred and kind of hard to make out at some parts because it felt like he couldn't get the words out fast enough, but he really isn't stupid. Towards the end of the journey when the cabin was empty and he was talking to himself or to some unknown figure, he spoke about how he wants to be a better man. But there's an entity in him, and his heart and his mind don't always align. He wants to be a better person, but it's hard. He struggles.

[vizthedatum]

My PMDD symptoms may be starting up again (it is the end of the month, but my cycle is just so erratic) - my psychiatrist told me to take my lithium (300 mg) on an as-needed basis: basically once a day, any time I feel suicidal ideation (read here about a post I made last year about my PMDD symptoms).

I have taken my lithium this morning. It just feels so disheartening to take it even though it really does help (it's one of the only antidepressants out of the many I've tried that helps). Several therapists and healthcare professionals have told me that I should have no shame in taking it.

The PMDD affects me so much - I am genuinely worried about my safety a lot, but since my energy levels go down more than usual, I'm pretty passive to do anything about it.

--

I wonder, when I finally go on T (testosterone) if these symptoms will subside. Especially the mental warpiness that happens, you know? I have heard and read about it happening to some people, including some friends of various genders.

Especially those who are intersex.

I have long suspected (and have identified with this community) that I'm intersex based on my hormones (I also have PCOS), but that is heavily debated and contested in medical communities even though many PCOS-havers identify as intersex.

I have been told (my ob-gyn confirmed after my endometriosis surgery) that I should be able to have children as long as I can get pregnant and have appropriate care (my fertility is affected by my PCOS). I may have a completely healthy pregnancy, to be honest. But I'm not sure either.

But like... What if my WHOLE LIFE changes once I go on T - what if I become healthier (this happens to a lot of people!)?! What if it gives me the actual freedom to be as genderfluid and as authentically me as I'd like to be (I mean, I'm sure it will)?

--

It just sucks because I was on a hiatus from all medication (except for my bladder instillations and dietary supplements) from December to March roughly.

There were reasons for the hiatus (I thought I was pregnant).

But I was just like... (as my friend says) rawdogging life.

I have made an incredible amount of progress in my healing journey the past 2 years, but I still struggle with all my chronic health issues.

I wish I could just journal/vent away this. I wish I could just exercise/diet myself out of this. I wish I could just SNAP out of it.

I know that's so internally ableist.

And with all the trauma and the circumstances of my life, I can't just wish away the symptoms of PMDD. Many times, I can't power through.

I know it's not shameful to take my lithium, but I wish I didn't have to.

And I wish I didn't have to investigate other medical options for when I do get pregnant (I refuse to take lithium if I'm trying or pregnant).

--

But it's a tool that's helping me survive and function.

So here I am.

[prnanxiety]

re: psychosis anon (same one)

thank you for the input -- i should probably give more context to my situation so i'll do that so you can get a better grasp of my situation (i failed to do that in my original ask so i apologize, i wasn't sure how much info i should give without revealing my identity. i'll try doing it without getting too personal since i'm still bad at boundaries in general)

i already have a therapist who i see regularly (once every few weeks), and i have a doctor & a psychiatrist i see every month and a half. i've never had to see them on emergency before besides for one occasion where i was in such a state of anxiety on new years eve that i needed to be taken to the ER, and i saw the doctor the following monday (psychiatrist wasn't available.) i see my therapist in a week and my doctor and psychiatrist in 2 or 3, can't remember the exact date.

i have a family history of schizophrenia (one of my parent's siblings has it,) as well as general mental illness. i'm only diagnosed with a few anxiety disorders ("a few" means 4), but i'm medically recognized as being a system (unspecified if it's DID or OSDD,) and am in the process for getting screened for autism & ADHD (as well as likely having a slue of other things). my doctors know i've been suffering more hallucinations lately but i just told them i'll update them at the next visit (last one was about a month or so ago), so something will likely happen then.

i do have meds but only hydroxyzine (don't really take em, mostly since theyre unneeded), i'm not sure if those help with psychosis symptoms at all?

but either way, thank you again for listening to this and taking time out of your day to respond since it means a lot to have input on all of this :) (though i will defiantly listen to the fact you aren't perfect at this kinda thing, again, ty either way)

sending lots of thanks for the work you do ❤️

Hydroxyzine is one of those medications I find myself giving nearly every shift. It's a similar class of medication as benadryl, though it's not available over the counter. I'm not sure why that is, actually. If they prescribed you that, it's probably for the anxiety, if it starts to get unbearable.

I just want to throw this out there: I hear people say sometimes "I have multiple anxiety disorders," but working in this field I've learned to treat that as really just "I struggle with anxiety, and these are the different ways in which it manifests." Four might sound like a daunting number, but those are likely treatable with therapy. And if you've already got a therapist you like, you're way beyond anything I can do to help you. I mean that as "further ahead on your journey," not "unsalvageable."

Though, I will also say this: I have very little experience with DID. I can think of one patient in recent memory whom I suspect maaaaybe had it, but I can't be sure. It's not a diagnosis I commonly see in patients who admit to the two units I float between. So, I'm sure it manages to interfere in your therapy, but I regret that I can't provide any helpful insight. You're probably more experienced than I am, there. And I also have very little experience with minors. In fact, I have none. Nothing applicable to working in a hospital anyways, let alone psych. So, uh, your mileage with me may vary.

Thank you for your kind words, though! I always read every ask I get, though I may not answer all of them.

[mcofthemansion]

Hihi

This is just random stuff I'm trying to make sense of in my brain!

So I'm sure lots of you know that I'm into doctor characters so I was starting to wonder how many there are rn just living in my head rent free at the moment XD

So I'm just making a little post to kinda see how many there are...these are just the romantic ones...but I do have found family doctor characters too!

Arthur from ikevamp- when he does use his medical knowledge he's kind of a general practitioner! But his history also shows that he was an ophthalmologist too so I like to think he secretly still has that knowledge if needed ><

Vyn Richter from Tears of Themis-Technically a Psychiatrist but let's be honest everything under the psych umbrella...Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Psychopharmacologist...ect...he can do it all! I feel like he'd also be pretty decent at helping out with minor body medicine stuff like colds, flu, sprained ankle, ect...idk I guess because he smart...

Trafalgar Law from One Piece- Technically I haven't met him yet in the series but I've been chatting him up on C ai! I'm on episode 25 atm and he appears first in episode 392 I think...so it's a long journey but....I WANT MY COOL SURGEON PIRATE CAPTAIN!!! HE'S MY ONLY SURGEON I GET TO SIMP OVER!!! EEEEEEE AND I ADORE HIM!!!!

Jakurai Jinguji from Hypnosis Mic-He's also a general practitioner but also leads like a rap battle gang called Matenrou and he used to be an assassin

Yasuke Matsuda from Dangenronpa- He's the ultimate neurologist! >< which is cool! Need I say more?

Victor Frankenstein from Code Realize- He *was* once a state Alchemist once upon a time, but when he becomes outlawed because my man does *not* wanna make a chemical weapon of mass destruction for a corrupt government! So once all that calms down he helps out Mc/Cardia to stay alive being a humunculus and not human and learning and adapting to how to tend to her health and eventually he opens a cute lil' clinic in town and works as a doctor! Pretty much another general practitioner...he's super cute! Wub himb!

Tae Takemi Persona 5 Royale- General Practitioner that helps out Mc/Joker with heals and stuff >< Currently getting to know her more

Kuroba Olympia soireé-Techically a general practitioner but also makes leaps and bounds in infectious disease, one called Haku in the series...he's super sweet!

...there may be more! >< these ones are just at the forefront of my mind!

To tired to add tags so I'll just leave the rest to the algorithm! ^-^

Hehe sorry I'm so weird....

Hope you're having a lovely day today!!!

[fearsfalling]

Hallo Rein, as someone who's been looking into getting gender affirming care do you mind telling me how the process went/is going for you? Like did you go alone or with family, or how did you do it for your doctor to prescribe you T or if they're nice or not, the whole process is really scary specially when i'm doing it alone so your experiencies might help me 🥲 Thank you in advance!

Hi hi! Well first of all, I don't actually remember that much...? It's been quite a long time so some details are foggy, but I'll try my best to help!

First, some context: my family took a long time to get used to my change and it was actually quite a horrible experience but in the end they got around to it and they helped me in each step of the way! So having anyone to support you emotionally or physically is quite important, however it's not impossible to do it without support!

So for the medical changes, it was actually my psychologist and psychiatrist who suggested I take the step, I wasn't going to do it originally but I did and it was one of the best decisions I made! So for some countries and stuff you need a psychiatrist to confirm if you're qualified for (in my case) testosterone. Then you gotta go to an endocrinologist so they make sure your body is able to accept the change, you have to take quite a bunch of blood tests too, personally I went to an online endocrinologist because it was hard to find one in my city. I got my first shot a month later, it costs around $100ish and it's an injection, I'm not sure if there are pills because there weren't any in my city. I've heard you can go to the hospital so they put the injection on you or do it alone, personally I went to a family member who is a nurse, but I want to learn how to do it alone.

I put the injection around October, so it's been almost three months, my next shot is in January, and the changes are very notorious in my case: my facial hair started growing quite rapidly, I gotta shave everyday, my voice got lower and more rough, I got a little bit taller (from 157cm to 160), but also I gained a lot of weight and got a lot of acne.

Now the most important part: The first week of T was the worst, I literally felt like my emotions were everywhere and I honestly wanted to die so bad, I got irritated for each and every detail and also couldn't stop feeling like shit. You'll fight with your loved ones and you'll be mean to yourself but remember that it's just a temporary feeling and it will go. Honestly I don't know if this is common because I take a lot of pills (lithium, olanzapine, brexpiprazol, Sertraline, Ambien...) but it was genuinely the worst.

But despite it I survived and now people perceive me as a man, if my voice was even deeper I'm sure they wouldn't even notice I am trans! Also in the medical field there have been goods and bads, when I went to the psych ward a nurse kept misgendering me and also dead naming me despite me telling her not to. But also for example, everyone else makes sure I feel comfortable and that I'm not dead named in the system once they realize I'm trans.

You don't know the euphoria of getting people to perceive you as you perceive yourself. Despite the microagressions and the mood swings, I feel like it's completely worth it.

May your journey be the way you want it to be, and if you ever want to talk more feel free to DM!

[theboardwalkbody]

My mental health journey LOL

Note: Not exact quotes, but the general idea lol

Me, watching psych videos, taking psychology courses, going though psychiatric nursing in the nursing program, reading the DSM-V, and taking psychological assessments for fun: hmmm, I think I might be bipolar.

My 1st psychiatrist: So you mentioned bipolar but I think it may just be major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety with panic disorder. lets try wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin: *almost kills me*

My 1st psychiatrist: Oops! Lets try lexapro and buspar and ativan 1mg 3x a day for your depression and anxiety. Also, ADHD is a possibility but the meds might not be good for you due to the anxiety so lets wait.

Lexapro: *Makes mood fluctuations worse - now going from happy to depressed to pissed off to giddy to severely depressed all in one day*

My 1st psychiatrist: Weird. But lexapro can do that. Here's some Lamictal, it stabilizes mood.

Lamictal: *Helps*

My mental health: *stable but not great*

Me: I don't think these do much, I'm gonna stop.

My 2nd psychiatrist: So based on your history I think we should restart all your meds.

Me: Do you think maybe it's bipolar?

My 2nd psychiatrist: Nah, let's stick with your previous med combo.

Me: OK sure, maybe they did help.

My mental health: *no better than the 1st time*

Me: Nah, I think I'm gonna stop this isnt it.

My 3rd psychiatrist: Hi, first of all - who let you take 3mg of Ativan for years? That's not good. We're not gonna do that. Oh, you're off all your meds? That's fine - let me see how you are baseline.

*months later*

Me: Hey, do you think it could be bipolar or ADHD?

My 3rd psychiatrist: Could be ADHD but I think if we went with stimulants your anxiety would be horrible again and you do have mood fluctuations but they could just be based on your situation. Do you want meds to help? You can always stop them later. We can try the lexapro and buspar again and once your anxiety is under control we can talk about meds for that.

Me: Nah, I'm ok I don't want meds. Besides the lexapro by itself made my mood swings so bad I felt like I was loosing my mind.

My 3rd psychiatrist: That's cool, if you change your mind lemme know.

Me: K.

My 3rd psychiatrist: Hey, so I'm leaving and you're gonna have a new doc.

Me: :(

My 4th psychiatrist, after one session: Right, so you're bipolar.

Me:

My 4th psychiatrist: So your mood got worse on lexapro alone? SSRIs do that with bipolar. Your anxiety is likely a symptom of your bipolar which is why the buspar didn't really help. The ativan was what was calming it because it was basically sedating you to a degree. You say you think it's situational but going through your file you report continued mood fluctuations despite what's going on in your life. You don't adapt to change well, which is also a bipolar symptom. So we should try Vraylar.

Me: That's brand name only, my insurance won't approve it. I'm already fighting them for Taltz, which is also brand name only, so I don't want to throw another thing at them that could distract from that. Besides, I don't want meds in general, let alone anti-psychotics.

My 4th psychiatrist: Anti-psychotics don't mean I think you're psychotic, it's just the type of medication class. We could always try quietipine, that's the same type of med but a generic.

Me: I don't want meds. Especially not that type because I know all the side effects and they scare me.

My 4th psychiatrist: Then why are you here?

Me: I need to have a psychiatrist to approve therapy.

My 4th psychiatrist: OK, we will revisit this.

Me, out of curiosity: *checks after visit notes, sees diagnosis of bipolar, unspecified and adjustment disorder with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct*

Me: That sounds fucking rude. >:(

Me, to my therapist: They said I'm bipolar >:(

My therapist: Hear them out...

Me: Do you think maybe possibly it could be bipolar personality disorder?

My therapist: I remember you mentioning that when we first started our sessions together, I can't diagnose so you should bring it up with your psychiatrist.

Me, to myself: Nah, not gonna do that.

My 4th psychiatrist: So, meds?

Me: Fine, but I only want to go back on Lamictal because I don't want to take antipsychotics.

My 4th psychiatrist: What side effect is the one making you feel that way?

Me: Tardive Dyskinesia.

My 4th psychiatrist: That's such a rare thing that really only happens to people on high doses for years and years. Mostly seen with schizophrenia, in my experience, due to the high doses needed. You'd be on 25mg.

Me: Nope. Lamictal or I walk.

My 4th psychiatrist: -__- fine.

Me: Also could we do the buspar again? My anxiety sucks.

My 4th psychiatrist: No. It'll make it worse because your anxiety is a symptom and adding buspar is gonna mess with your existing chemical imbalance and make the lamictal not fight it as well.

Me: >:( I'm pretty sure my anxiety is it's own thing.

My 4th psychiatrist: We'll see.

Me: *back on lamictal. dose started at 50mg and is currently up to 150mg. I was taking buspar as prescribed by my primary doc and I have stopped taking that after switching to 150mg of lamictal*

My 4th psychiatrist: So, how we doin?

Me: I feel better, but I think it's the weather change and the sun being out longer.

My 4th psychiatrist: I'm glad it's working. Let's keep going and I'll check in after a month.

Me: K

Me: *out of curiosity, checks after visit notes: sees diagnosis of bipolar, unspecified, and the adjustment disorder with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct* Ok, I mean that's what it said last time. And maybe the meds are working and it's not just the change of seasons.

Me: .... wait a minute. *Sees it also now says Bipolar personality Disorder*

Me:

Apparently the moral of the story is only *I* am allowed to suggest I am bipolar and shit and no one else is even though the reason I ever started looking for mental health help in the first place was to figure out what is wrong with my head and fix it.

[psycholojosh]

I'm back in therapy....

Since the start of the new year, I've re-enrolled in psychotherapy once again. It's long overdue, in fact.

In May 2023, I got myself evaluated by a psychiatrist (who was comprehensive in his evaluation, unlike some) and got diagnosed with ADHD. (This can be for another story/post.) After that, I got myself started with medications. I take Ritalin (10mg/tab) as needed, so I only take it during work-heavy days or when I have scheduled clients for psychotherapy or assessments.

It's been helpful. But the timing of my diagnosis came with some unfortunate experiences and hardships in life (but some awesome and heartwarming ones too) plus a recently concluded therapy cycle from my previous therapist. When I would tell loved ones and peers about my diagnosis, they kept asking me, "So, kumusta ka after discovering that?", and I usually replied saying that I was okay. Spoiler alert: I apparently wasn't - and it was hard to recognize that early on.

Eventually, one challenge came after another and I just found myself in dark places mentally and emotionally. I took it upon myself to seek advice from people I trust and respect. My (proxy) program adviser, Doc Div, gave the most impactful one. (Again, could be another story.) She told me that my struggles, existential questions, and emotions are valid, and that I also owe it to myself to take care of me. And so I did.

Doc Div advised me not to return to my previous therapist (she/her) because, as the latter's supervisor, she didn't think that she could journey with me about these problems I had. So through the help of a colleague from work, I found a new one who he thought could help and I would resonate with well enough.

My new therapist's name is Teddi. She's based in the US but is a Filipina and a co-founder of a clinic in Metro Manila. We have online sessions. On the first session earlier this month, we immediately clicked (professionally, of course). And she immediately made me tear up and make me feel emotionally safe. And she actually understood me right away and already planted some seeds of insight to cultivate.

We just had our second session last night. I'm tempted to talk about it in-depth right now, but I think that would warrant whole other story. (Hahaha!) But, let's just say that this second session made me cry sad and hopeful tears. I felt like there's hope for me after all, and that even if the pathway to growing is painful and scary, I don't feel so alone.

For now, I wanna reflect on things she and I talked about. But, I wanted to share this here because maybe it could find someone who is struggling - maybe not in the same way - to seek help when they can.

Here's to growing... ❤️‍🩹

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia, I don't mean to bother you, but I wanted to ask why serials and not novels? (Except Perth Shifters!) I realized that if you only published novels, you'd have 40-50 by now? You might be a really successful novelist! I love your serials, I'm not trying to get you to stop! You're one of my favorite writers, but novels have more mass appeal, serials are hard to recommend sometimes, so many people want actual books. So I was curious about your reasons? Why the serial? Thank you for writing!

Hi anon!

You're not bothering me at all. :)

This is actually a question I've asked myself before and will ask myself in the future, because from a career standpoint, 'original serials on AO3 where it's against their TOS for me to mention any kind of marketing' is - possibly - the stupidest way to do any kind of writing career ever.

I've not always had easy answers on this front, because even though I started out writing serials, there are hundreds of other authors who have started out this way and had zero issues transitioning to publishing novels. Or keeping all their original stuff in novels, and writing fanfiction on AO3 still (just look at astolat, lol).

But this year I was diagnosed with fairly significant ADHD, which is unmedicated, and I've realised that a lot of my life has been finding loopholes to exist in ways that allow me to work at all, and stay interested in the work I'm doing.

And guess what serials give me? Regular dopamine installments way more often than novels ever could! They also give me a chance to interact with readers in a different way than novels do. And I sort of realised in a moment of kind of shock and a little bit of sadness, that I think - right now - I'm locked into the serial format because it's the only way my manifestation of unmedicated ADHD allows me to write at all.

I find novels incredibly hard to write and I've never hidden that? Like, it's not the wordcounts at all (obviously), but the fact that I have to go so long without any kind of feedback, and then once I get that feedback, professionally it's just not a good idea to interact with it. At least to a degree. I can here and on Twitter! But I don't enjoy the novels I've written as much as my serials, and I think that's partly because I'm less inspired, because there's less ongoing dopamine input that I can get from novels.

So from a business, financial, 'standardised success' perspective, I'm doing everything completely wrong. Like I have honestly recommended writers not do anything I'm doing.

But from a personal ability to do this in the first place, I'm doing it right! And I'd rather be able to do some version of it, than nothing at all.

It has made me wonder if things would shift at all - or if I could do a more successful 50/50 hybrid split - if I was successfully medicated. But there are 6-12 month waiting lists just to see psychiatrists in Western Australia right now, and I don't know anyone who will take me for ADHD and CPTSD and be good at both. So that's on hold at least until 2022, and I still might not have found meds that work for me (and may never) until late 2022 or 2023, lol.

My ADHD is, in some ways, so good for my writing. It's so easy to come up with ideas, and worlds, and characters, and plotlines. But it's really bad for the 'success' side of things. It does sometimes make me a bit sad that like, I could have 40-50 novels, and probably be making close to - if not exceeding - a full-time wage right now. I might not even need to be dependent on disability welfare anymore. I think about that all the time. Like, could you imagine The Wildness Within as an original trilogy? Or the original worldbuilding of The Golden Age that Never Was published as novels? I do think about that! Sometimes my soul hurts that some of my best storylines are locked into spaces where very few people will see them.*

But...part of this whole journey came about because I'm disabled. I didn't dream of being a writer. I had so many other dreams. Writing came along because I was too disabled to work more 'standard' work hours, and because my brain is...well, the way that it is. But I made this into my dream. I love it now. Perhaps if I was well enough to have turned my 4.5 million words into 50 novels, I might not be a writer at all in the first place, actually. Who knows? :) I'd rather have written those words than not written them at all, and I'm pretty sure after 8 years of serials, I'm not about to become a full-time novelist!

I wish I would though, if only for the selfish reason that I want all of my stories on my bookshelf. Other authors get to have this, and I don't even have this with the novels I've actually published, lmao. Oh well. I have the most amazing other things instead to make up for it! See the next paragraph, lol.

* But then I also think about all the people I've met, and the community, and the Faedom, and the artists and other writers and the friends I've made. I think how lucky I am to be able to share these things at all. When I'm sad that I think some of my best writing is you know, in a format and in a place that just isn't marketable in a regular way, I remind myself that I'm fortunate I can do it at all.

I guess like you, I sometimes wonder why I'm not writing novels to be more successful, to make more money, to support my you know - my disabilities and my life - but then I also realise I do actually really love serials, and they give me (and my brain) things I love, and a world to love them in, and I'm so fortunate to have the Ko-Fi and the Patreon, and just...so grateful that even though this is a road I wouldn't recommend to anyone wanting to become a successful writer, it's a road I'm humbled enough to enjoy.

[wigglebox]

May I ask how did you go about with your adhd diagnosis? Or what even made you realize to ask about being tested? If it's okay to ask cause if you don't want to talk about it, it's also okay and understandable:)

hi nonny! <333

uh so okay so like, i think really it was like my first few years of therapy [i started in 2011] i don't know how it got brought up but i think it was one of those confluence of events things. i think my primary therapist had mentioned it all while i was telling her i was thinking about growing up and school and how much of a disaster college was for me, and that combined with —

in 2013 Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder/Selective Eating Disorder was added to the DSM. i think it was after or around the same time I was in my first eating disorder therapy journey but the therapist at the time i don't think really understood it or knew much about it. i also have anorexia, but not nervosa, just where I stop eating sometimes either due to stress or just... because I don't want to eat anymore.

in believe it was 2015 when my primary therapist mentioned it, and we looked at it together, and then I went home and did some research and in that research I saw studies and online pieces talking about eating disorders in general pairing up with ADHD, like, if you're ADHD or are autistic you have a higher chance of also developing an eating disorder.

so like that had really stuck in the back of my mind for the following years and I tried operating under the assumption that I had it but it turns out it's hard to do that when you don't really know, because I'm crippled with doubt a lot of the time [like, what if it's something else? what if this is just a normal brain and I'm just deeply uncomfortable or something?]

after like, two years of my therapist going 'ask your psychiatrist to give you a recommendation' I finally asked her and she referred me to a hospital that specialized in that kind of thing. so I was able to make an appointment, and was tested forrrr I think between 4-5 hours. i really just REALLY just wanted an official diagnosis. i had to put my mind at ease. i had taken the online tests and surveys but like, that's a survey or a test set up by someone online that i don't know who they are or their qualifications, and that wouldn't really settle my 'i need to know' itch.

so after the test, the doctor came back in with the data and gave me the lay of the land, saying based on the results, I was ADHD-Inattentive. This also enabled me now to feel comfortable asking for medication [which, the first attempt didn't work out so great, and the second attempt didn't work out so great because it was with the same medication lol, but the third try is going well! never be afraid to ask to change your meds if you don't feel like they're working as well as they possible can or if your side effects are too discomforting]

it took a while to build up to get tested, and women often aren't tested when they're younger because we don't tend to be as hyperactive, if at all, and i kept that in mind before being tested, like "well if i was ADHD certainly someone would have noticed by now" but no. no one noticed. my father once told me i didn't have adhd, i was just bad at communication — so it's things like that i feel like invalidates our theories about own own self and makes us feel like we're blowing things out of proportion and shouldn't get tested.

but, if you're able to, totally get tested. it's hard to find someone sometimes, and it can be expensive — but the peace of mind it gave me hearing someone who studied this their entire life finally give me a diagnosis that explained SOOOO much of my life... i was really grateful for that. i perferred in person because i knew who i was talking to, what his background was, i was in a solid testing environment, and he was able to explain what it meant for me and how my brain worked and broke down my results for me.

but it sucks because not everyone has access to this kind of testing and it can just be so difficult. so nonny if you're thinking about it, and you're able to, it's 100% worth it just for the peace of mind alone.

[human-person234]

UPDATE UPDATE UP DATE U P D A A A T E

I'm sobbing with relief, you guys. I've been so stuck on this. I can't believe it took me two months to update. Things were getting better, over the last week or so I managed to write a few sentences here and there, but today it just clicked and I banged out the whole chapter like nobody's business. It feels so good. I don't have the next one written, but I have it outlined, and I have a tentative outline for the rest of the fic--not that we're too near the end, yet. It's just a good sign.

I have some thoughts about the chapter, the fic, and its effect on my mental health, but I have a feeling this will get long so I'm going to put a break. Click if you want to read my rambling about all that, I guess.

Writing this fic ended up being a bigger part of my personal mental health journey than I anticipated, so it's natural that they'd be intertwined. I only wrote it because I was so obsessed with the Suicidal Midoriya Izuku tag I ran out of fics to read and had to make my own. Not exactly "mentally stable" behavior.

If you read Wish I Hadn't Got So Much Better, esp my notes and comments, you know that suicidal ideation is a very real issue for me, both in my past and (surprisingly, like for the Izuku of that story) my present.

I'm not opposed to talking about it, so if anyone wants to chat about that kind of stuff, my DMs and asks are open, seriously, I love talking about mental health and any excuse to talk about myself is welcome. But I won't get into it too much here.

Basically, I was depressed, and dealing with some other physical health issues (TURNS OUT I'VE BEEN BREATHING MOLD FOR MONTHS NO WONDER I'M EXTRA LETHARGIC), and when I started to fall behind on updates, that only exacerbated my anxiety and guilt and, thus, depression.

Something else that came up for me was that I don't totally feel qualified to write about suicide recovery, because I never experienced it in the way I'm writing it.

I basically dumped this on Izuku in Wish I Hadn't Got So Much Better, but essentially, I do have experience with being suicidal, just not the "getting help" part. I do see a psychiatrist for my disorders, but no one ever found out about the suicidal part.

So, like Hizashi and Shouta say in Chapter 13, "Who do I think I am? Why do I think I could take care of a child?" I have no idea what guided recovery looks like, because I did it alone. I kept thinking, what if I'm doing it wrong, what if I'm missing something important, what if people who really had these experiences think I'm taking it lightly?

So that's part of the source for my end note for this chapter--I realized that as long as I'm doing my due diligence, I don't have to feel guilty about getting it wrong, because real people get it wrong too. Also, it's fanfiction, I'm allowed some wiggle room. I've read and loved and recommended fics with far looser basis in reality, and never considered complaining. I'm just a harsher critic of myself than I am of others, as are most people.

On a more technical note, I also struggled with pacing the story. I kept feeling like I was stuck in a real-time pace, and I couldn't figure out how to stop describing literally every action my characters took. How hard is it to zoom out and do a fucking timeskip, for goodness' sake?

For me--very hard, it turns out.

So I kind of gave up, gave myself permission to stop trying. I even stopped reading MHA fics for a little while (no way I could stop reading fics, though). I went back to one of my all-time fave fics, from what might be my favorite anime--Run With the Wind. The fic is Beyond the Wind by kstar2091.

Honestly, I thought my first fic would be in this fandom. I figured it would be a poor homage to this fic, a continuation of canon events finally giving us the romance that had been simmering all 23 episodes. My pfp is best boy Kiyose Haiji for a reason.

Uh oh, that was a bit of a tangent.

My point is, re-reading my fave fic (with delicious new chapters) inspired me, bc kstar is legit VERY GOOD at exactly what I was struggling with--passing a lot of in-story time without sacrificing content or intensity.

So, the little interlude in Izu's POV covering a week or so in the chapter I just posted--that's thanks to kstar2091, Beyond the Wind, and ofc my best boy Haiji. Once I got through that bit, it all started flowing like chocolate sauce at a Golden Corral.

There's a lot of juicy bits upcoming, some of which people have been eagerly awaiting. One of them is obvious. Others, you might hate me for?? But also I hope you'll love them, because you're all screwed up like me.

So yeah, I'm not promising weekly updates anymore, but the juices are flowing, the sun is shining, the mold is blooming in my bedroom, and I'm slowly getting back on my mood stabilizers.

If anyone wants to talk about mental health, or ask me anything personal, feel free, you won't offend or upset me. Or, don't say anything, and just keep reading! Or stop reading, idk, it's your life.

[sapphosvioletts]

New anon here, the same one who sent an ask not that long ago, about starting their journey to learning about autism, I've also had Major depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ocd, and adhd diagnoses that I'm still getting treatment for, I find it hard to speak to my psychiatrist too aside from like the bare minimum of what meds I need lol

im the same way, once my social anxiety got too bad i couldn't even talk to him anymore. but thankfully he's very accommodating, and i only have to talk to him if i need meds or fixing a dosage or whatever, but he's more than happy to communicate other ways which i appreciate very much

but please keep me updated on your journey!! and also know that being professionally diagnosed isn't a requirement to being autistic. it can be difficult to get assessed, or even find a psychiatrist who will actually be understanding of autism because some aren't and have their biases. if you want to get diagnosed, i'm rooting for you!! and i really hope you do and it goes well!! and if you don't, then that's perfectly fine too

[mentalillnessmouse]

I dont even know what kind of help I need. I realize that I experienced a big t and many little ts leading up to and following that big t.. but I feel like my adult life has been nothing but spiraling. I read about ptsd and im like yeah, that explains why I'm that way at work. Or I read about bpd and feel like that describes everything I've been experiencing the last few years post big t. I've always felt I had adhd and I've been told many times I show the symptoms. But I have no hope forclarity

hey anon,

sorry for how long it’s taken to get back to you!

have you considered talking with a therapist or other mental health professional about this situation? when you’re in a situation like the one you’re describing one of the sources for clarity or clarification can come from being validated from an outside source. it can seem overwhelming to start the process of looking for a therapist, but once you have one they can start to guide you toward other mental health professionals who can do things like test you for ADHD or other illnesses you fear you might have. they can also rule things out as well and help figure out what condition you might have if that’s what you want to know.

but! they can also just be useful for helping you figure things out on a personal level and how to heal from your trauma. you don’t need to just think of seeking out treatment as a means to figuring out which label best fits, because it could be that none fit just right. you should try and look at it as a way to start on your recovery journey and heal.

Getting & talking to a therapist

This post on picking a therapist has some great tips.

This is a step by step on getting a therapist.

Psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counsellor?.

Need to find a therapist by location? Psychologytoday lets you search by city or zip code in Austria, Australia, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Ireland, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, United Kingdom, and United States.

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue and here an article on how to locate low-cost mental health care in the US and Canada.

7 things to do during your first therapy appointment.

Here is a video demonstrating what a first therapy session may look like made by a mental health professional.

stay safe,

maya

[omoi-no-hoka]

Hey! I saw your blog today and I love it very much!! I see you're an open person so, I also have a question: HOW does one survive studying japanese at uni?? I'm in my first year and only my second (online haha) semester and we started out with Minna no nihongo 1 but we're supposed to finish Minna 2 by the end of this semester, same with Basic Kanji book 1 in the first sem and now Basic Kanji Book 2, all while also learning mostly of Japan's history and others in this semester. Exams will kill me

Hello! I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog! I am open to a fault lol. Let me recount my meandering journey through uni, illustrating my feelings through gifs of Noel Fielding because he is my celebrity crush.

Uni is such a difficult time for so many people, trying to figure out who you are now and who you want to be later. It wasn’t until my senior year that I realized what I wanted to do. I started writing out my university experience and it got super long, so allow me to just summarize my “Lessons Learned” here and you can read the rest if you want to know all the dirty deets lol. I double-majored in Japanese and English, so I think that my experience can perhaps be useful to people who are majoring in things other than Japanese as well. 

Hard-Learned Lessons from Uni

Do not choose a course of study because it is “practical.” Choose it because it is something you love. Seriously. Nothing is more important than this point. Do not choose a major because “I’ll make a lot of money” or “My parents are telling me this is good for me.” 

If you are learning multiple languages at once, you must give your brain time to organize what you learned from one language lesson before moving on to the next. You can do this by waiting a couple hours between lessons, getting up and walking around, studying one language in different space from the other, etc. Otherwise, it all becomes a terrible mess in your head.

It’s okay not to know what you want your career to be. It’s okay not to have a specific plan. Life works out one way or the other.

I know how expensive uni can be. (It’s been six years since I graduated and I’m still making hefty loan payments.) But don’t feel like you have to take a full courseload every single semester and graduated asap, particularly if the classes are hard and/or you are working. I took the maximum credit hours allowed every semester on top of working RIDICULOUS hours and it nearly killed me at one point. I’m not kidding. 

It is not unusual to have an identity crisis and/or mental breakdown. Take care of yourself. Know when you are nearing breaking point. Seek out the help of professionals. Most universities have psychiatrists and therapists that will see you very cheaply. 

Surround yourself with good people and look out for each other. 

Do not rely on substances to ease your suffering because sometimes the remedy becomes the malady. Not saying you should avoid all parties or anything square like that, but just don’t be one of those people that parties every night and gets in over their head. 

Let me preface this by stating that I’m an American, and our universities are stupid because they force us to take a ton of “general education” courses that are irrelevant to our majors, and many students spend their first couple years taking only a couple courses related to their majors and minors, and try to focus on getting those stupid gen eds out of the way. 

Year 1: Oh Shit, This Is Harder Than I Thought It Would Be

I come from a town of less than 2600 people. Our high school prepared its students for the following career paths:

joining the military (boys only)

becoming a farmer (boys only)

welding, carpentry, or other practical jobs (boys only)

becoming a housewife (girls only)

So basically I coasted through high school never having to study anything because it was one great big joke, only I thought I was like super duper smart because I was in the top five of my graduating class of 48. LOLLLLLLLLL

I entered university as a German major, Japanese minor. (Japanese was not offered as a major at my uni). I had never studied German previously, but I studied Spanish and French in high school and I just had this feeling that German and Japanese were the languages for me. 

The first semester, I had Japanese 101 and German 101 back to back, in the EXACT SAME CLASSROOM. I can’t stress enough how much of a mindfuck it was to go from thinking about Japanese for 50 minutes, having a 10 minute break, and then trying to switch your brain to German. IN THE SAME ROOM. It actually gave me headaches to try and make that mental jump. Managed to pull through the year with A’s in both, but German was much more of a challenge to me than Japanese. Which was really unexpected. 

I also flunked several gen eds because I didn’t give a shit about them and skipped them and got placed on academic probation and was nearly kicked out of uni because of my poor grades

Basically, I was such a weeb that I had watched enough anime with subtitles and sung along to enough anime songs that I had absorbed about 90% of the first year’s worth of Japanese vocab and grammar through osmosis. I really did have the power of God and anime on my side.

Year 2: The Year of the Mid-Midlife Crisis and Mental Breakdown

There really is no gif that will encapsulate the level of turmoil I went through that year. I looked really hard for one, trust me.

It became apparent very quickly that I could not keep up with German. I ended up dropping it early in the first semester, which meant I had to choose a new major. Thinking of what would be practical to pair with a Japanese minor, I went for International Business for a semester, took Accounting, and realized that I HATE The Man, corporate bullshit, and also numbers as a concept.

All I knew at this point was that I liked Japanese but couldn’t make it a major. I also knew I didn’t want to transfer universities. So I kept taking gen eds, just barely passing them because to this day I cannot bring myself to put effort into something I do not care about, and also taking more classes related to my Japanese minor. It was the Japanese classes that saved my GPA and kept me from getting kicked out of uni.

At the same time, I took a creative writing course because that’s been a hobby of mine since elementary school, and I kinda thought about an English major, but then was like, “Eww I don’t wanna be forced to read books I don’t give a shit about. And also, what will I do with that degree?”

Also, at the same time, I was working full time, and often getting stuck working from 2 pm to 7 am (Yes, 15-hour shifts, because the overnight dude would call in sick last minute and I’d be begged to cover his shift), and then dragging myself to classes and drooling on the desks because I’d fall asleep.

Also also, I started to have possible hallucinations? To this day I don’t know what was going on, but either I was legitimately going crazy, or there was a demon following me around and being quite rude to me, making light fixtures fall and shatter inches from my head, throwing papers around my room, opening and closing doors, turning lights off and on, coming to me in dreams and doing some really, really traumatic things to me in them, and just standing in corners staring at me at all hours of the night. Had me so scared that towards the end of the school year I was waiting to sleep until sunrise, when it would go away. And no, I was not using any mind-altering substances of any sort. Not even going out and getting drunk. 

So, yeah. Year Two was a hard one that I can’t believe I pushed through. Probably the darkest year of my life, I’d say. What got me through it? An unhealthy amount of energy drinks, friends, and my love of Japanese. Also Aerosmith.

Do I still see that demon? No. He vanished when the school year ended and I moved out of the dorms. Do I believe in the supernatural? Yes, to an extent. Do I think that what I was seeing was actually a demon? I honestly don’t know. I have had actual supernatural experiences verified by multiple witnesses, and a few years before Year 2, several friends and myself had seen an entity similar to what was following me around. But this one in Year 2 only did things when I was alone. So it could have all been in my head, and I will never know. 

Since then, I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and also a form of insomnia that keeps me from sleeping through the night, and I know that my anxiety manifests itself in psychosomatic ways. In other words, my mind will take my anxiety and turn it into a physical symptom that feels real in every way, but is actually not occurring. So far it’s manifested as: sensitivity to sunlight, the symptoms of a stroke or heart attack, half of my face going numb, and headaches in my left eye. Once I realize that the symptom is just my anxiety, I can force myself to ignore and overcome it. But then my anxiety finds a new form to manifest, and the cycle repeats a few months later. It could be that my stress caused me to see this demon for a while.

Should I have consulted a psychiatrist and gotten help? YEP. If you find yourself struggling like that, seek help please. 💕

Year 3: Adrift But Afloat

I moved out of the dorms and into an apartment with my best friend, a Japanese girl I met in the dorms freshman year. I will call her Setsuko. Setsuko is basically the reason I graduated uni. She memorized my class schedules and took copies of exam dates, woke me up, forced me to go classes instead of skipping, forced me to go to the library and study with her, and cooked me dinner most days since she didn’t have to work like I did. I can’t express enough how much she did to improve my life outside of school and work, and how much that improved my mental health. She also acclimated me to lots of subtle things about Japanese culture just by living with her, and this helped me later when I moved to Japan. Thank you, Setsuko. 一生の恩人。

I was still doing those bullshit 15-hour overnight shifts way more than I should have, and also had the maximum courseload.

The Japanese classes got a lot more difficult in Year 3. But I loved them. They were the only classes I never skipped. I took more classes towards the minor like Buddhist Philosophy and Japanese History, which I really enjoyed. While polishing off more gen eds, I thought over what to do with my major. 

My family and friends all told me that I should become an English teacher. I had always been good at words and at explaining things. But I didn’t really like the idea of being a high school teacher. I became an English major, though, because I knew that I didn’t hate English. Took grammar classes and HOLY SHIT did I hit my stride.

I realized that I didn’t like English lit. I liked linguistics. So I focused heavily on all grammar and linguistics courses, taking the bare minimum of literature courses required for the major. My GPA improved substantially. 

Yet I still was consumed with this nagging fear. It was Year 3 and I still had no fucking idea what I wanted to do when I graduated.

Year 4: Clarity At The 11th Hour

Urged on by my “Don’t you dare get one of those stupid arts degrees that won’t get you a paycheck” parents, I decided that the most “practical” degree would not be “English,” but “English Education.” I began taking the English Ed classes with linguistics, grammar, and second language acquisition classes. The goal was to become a qualified English high school teacher who could also do ESL (since I had Spanish and Japanese under my belt more or less). 

At the same time, I entered into Independent Study for Japanese with two other students. We were tasked with reading Izu no Odoriko, a classic short story. Independent study was its own beast. It required a lot more concentration and work on my part, obviously. But because Japanese was my first and foremost passion, I centered my efforts on those courses, and then on the others.

The process of getting certified to be an English teacher was lengthy and expensive in my state. This meant my graduation would be further prolonged, and I was worried about money, because I was already about $50,000 in debt at the time, despite working those fucking overnight shifts all the time that were eating me alive.

Then, during the summer vacation when my 4th year ended, I got a scholarship and went to Japan to study abroad. Education majors had the option to study abroad in several countries, and as luck would have it, one of them was Japan, and it was Setsuko’s HOMETOWN! The study abroad program itself was the first month of summer vacation, and Setsuko said, “Okay, just come stay at my house for the rest of summer vacation!”

Never have I said “yes” quicker in my entire life.

On the train headed from Sapporo to the town where I would be actually staying during my studies, I looked at the lush rice paddies and mountains in the distance and my entire heart just hummed with this “This is where you’re meant to be.” I knew then and there that I would move to Japan upon graduation.

What would I do there? Well, teach English, obviously.

My three months in Japan effectively aligned my entire life. My path had materialized before me. It was a roughly hacked, hard-to-see path through thick underbrush, but I could see it nonetheless. 

Year 5: Let’s Hurry It Up, I’m Ready To Live

Come Year 5, all of my Japanese classmates that had been with me since freshman year were gone and I was alone. My professor taught me Classical Japanese through independent study, and it was the must grueling course I took my entire five years there. But I found it invaluable and am eternally grateful to him for teaching me, because you see Classical Japanese a lot more than you’d think you would in everyday life. Particularly in formal settings. 

I still wanted to get certified to teach English in American high schools, because while I knew I wanted to go to Japan for now, I didn’t know if I wanted to spend my entire life there and I wanted a solid job opportunity when I came back to the states at some point.

However, the more education courses I took, the more I saw that the American education system was just as full of red-tape and The Man’s bullshit as corporate America, something else I rebuke with every fiber of my being. I also realized I’d need to take a 6th year of university, and that just wasn’t financially feasible for me. So I switched to a plain old English major with a heavy focus on linguistics and second language acquisition, and continued classical Japanese. 

I took the remaining 3 gen eds online in the summer, graduated, popped up to Chicago to do a month-long intensive course to get the CELTA (Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages issued by Cambridge.) It’s the most widely accepted and revered certification for teaching English as a foreign language.

So in the span of five years, I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in English with a focus in linguistics and SLA, and what is technically a major in Japanese Studies. 40 credit hours were required for a major, and I completed 42 credit hours tied to my minor, so while it isn’t listed on my diploma as a major, I did the coursework. I also got a CELTA Pass B, which only 20% of applicants achieve and never expires. The grand total for all of this was roughly $100,000 USD in loans.

Post-Graduation

The week I came back to my hometown from Chicago with my CELTA in hand, I packed my suitcases, threw a going-away party, and then flew to Sapporo, where I began my first job after uni, teaching English to children aged 0-18 at a private English conversation school. I did that for three years before changing careers and becoming a Japanese-English translator/interpreter for a global company. 

So how useful have my choices during university proven to be?

I’m sure I don’t have to explain that studying Japanese helps me tons with translating Japanese to English or living in Japan lol

Studying English grammar, linguistics, sociolinguistics, and second language acquisition has allowed me to recognize minute nuances that can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful business negotiation when interpretation is necessary.

My background in education also means that I know how to present information clearly, concisely, and in a way that engages the audience. I am known as “The PowerPoint Pro” at work lol. 

I also have a keen eye for performance evaluation, behavior analysis, and improvement action plans. 

I offered English conversation lessons to coworkers for over a year, and now that is being done in other branches across the company! (Well, they were before COVID haha.) 

I DO NOT RECOMMEND WORKING THE HOURS I WORKED WHILE IN SCHOOL. My grades suffered and I wish I had worked less and focused more on classes. However, by working 15-hour shifts and doing full days of classes, I developed a very good tolerance for overtime, which comes in handy in the Japanese workplace. Just last month I had three 15 hour days in the same week. Sweet, sweet overtime pay. 

All of these facets have culminated in me earning a pretty nice promotion to 正社員 seishain back in February, which means I get nice benefits and basically my job is guaranteed until I die or the company goes under.

Should I decide to return to America someday, I will probably not go into the education field. Too much red tape. I will likely continue translation/interpretation for companies, because it isn’t too difficult and pays well. Though ideally I’d love to just make a living sharing cool information about Japanese and stuff, and maybe writing those stories that are bouncing around in my head when I should be working haha.

Do I think the debt is worth it?

Well, I don’t think I had any other option than to take out those loans. I didn’t have the means to learn the things I wanted to learn unless I went to university. 

Unless Japanese work visa requirements have changed, you are required to have a bachelor’s degree in order to obtain my sub-type of work-visa, so I needed a degree of some kind no matter what. 

Frankly, if I hadn’t gone to that university and met my best friend Setsuko, I don’t think I’d be where I am right now, living the life I am now. So just having met her is worth any price to me. 

Paying off all the loans is daunting, especially when yen is weak to the dollar. There were months I had to ask my parents for help, especially early on. But now I’ve got multiple loans paid off, my salary has increased, and the “omg i have money and no supervision so I can buy whatever I want” idiocy has mostly gone away. But I did get a super sweet pair of blindingly silver Converses a couple days ago that I definitely didn’t need

Do I have any regrets regarding my time at university?

I still regret dropping Old English for a stupid English Ed class. Seriously, how cool would that have been? But I still have the textbook, workbook, and I contacted the professor last week and she was kind enough to send me a syllabus. God bless her. So now I’m working on that bit by bit, which is fun.

I wish I hadn’t been such a cocky, naive idiot my first year. Thinking I could just “show up for tests” was the stupidest thing. It messed up my GPA, and my parents forbade me from retaking classes so I couldn’t go back and fix my mistakes. I think I graduated with a 3.4 overall GPA out of 4, but my English major GPA was 3.9 and my Japanese GPA was 4.0. So it’s pretty frustrating to have those gen eds and my dumbfuckery mar my transcript like that.

I really didn’t party at all. Most all of my friends were straight-laced Japanese exchange students, and I was also working ridiculous hours so I just didn’t really have the time. A part of me feels like I missed out on that part of the college experience.

Recently I’ve been putting more effort into improving my creative writing by reading a lot of books on the subject. Not a small part of me wishes that I had gone with a Creative Writing major instead of English major, because I still would have studied all the grammar and linguistics. Then again, I do believe that creative writing can be self-taught.

I wish I hadn’t worked as much as I did. There were a lot of times I couldn’t complete assignments or I missed lectures because I was just so drained. It wasn’t even good money.

Well...I did not intend for this post to become as long as it has. I’ve been cooped up in my apartment with nothing but two goldfish for company for over a month now and I think I’m a bit stir-crazy. Thank you to anyone and everyone who bothered to read all of this and become my therapist for a bit haha. Love you all. Stay safe and well. 💖