#Church hurt

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

In light of the latest Vatican document* wrapping queerphobia up in “loving” language, I want to remind all my fellow queer & trans Catholics (and Catholic-adjacent folks) that no human words can erase our sacred truth. We are beloved by the God who delights in diversity and calls us good.

If you need some reassurance or resources, wander through my #queer and Catholic tag.

*please be kind to yourself; you don't need to read the document. It's all the usual harmful stuff. If you have read it or know what's in it: I'm sending you so much love.

[scarsound]

husband posted a video about the church, the Bible and mental health if y’all wanna take a gander!

[escaping-amish]

@libby_newell on ig ❤️

[greater-than-the-sword]

"Somebody left this church feeling bad" doesn't prove they have a grievance against the church. Some people do have grievances against the church, but those grievances can be expressed in more specific terms. I realize we live in the age of "accuser is always right" and "if somebody feels upset they must have a legitimate grievance" but it is naive to think that the enemy won't exploit this against the church. The world tells people that the church is working against people's true and ultimate happiness by telling them to give up their sinful identities and activities and die to themselves. The world calls this hate, but you cannot back down from it. The church must carve this space for itself. People WILL take this biblical call alone (apart from any other behavior) and call it hate. You must demand people give better evidence for "church hurt" than just their own feelings. Otherwise you run the risk of slandering the church.

[lawlightautismtruther]

All I ever hear when talking with the girls (am I 100% girl? No, and that might be why I feel the disconnect here) is the following

- he’s so tall and big and muscular and deep voiced and UHHHH I WANT HIM TO RAIL MEEEEE

And I’m just like “good for you. Where’s my 5’5” 110 angel of a male, whom I want to carry around princess style to our king sized bed” and they all just look at me like

😨

Like are yall not aware that not EVERYONE is like you??!!!

Like I have no problem with how other people experience sexual attraction, obviously I don’t. That would be hypocritical as hell because people tend to have a problem with how I experience it (note I live in the evangelical American south and the internet is the only place that gets me) but I wish (and I’m the 10000000th person to express this, which goes to show how behind we still are) that women/women-adjacent people were ALLOWED to be masculine and be attracted to femininity without being ostracized and made to feel embarrassed. Especially for lesbians, but also for people like me. I feel like people around here can actually conceptualize a sapphic relationship better than the type of relationship I seek (but they accept neither, unfortunately).

I fear what would happen if they learned I was bi 😩

I’m not emotionally attracted to women (it’s a sexual thing), so I’d end up with a man anyway, but the JUDGEMENT I would still receive from these prehistoric brained people is CRAZY. I feel especially for lesbians and gay people because I know it’s 1000000x harder on them, even if people can conceptualize them better, they hate them even more.

Like, I constantly receive the “well if you’re so attracted to “sissy-boys” why aren’t you just a lesbian?” Which is SO stupid because it implies two really fucking idiotic ideas

1. Sexuality is a choice (specifically, gay people choose to be gay)

2. Being attracted exclusively to femininity = (or at least should equal) being attracted exclusively to women (and the inverse, which is often used to invalidate masc attracted lesbians as jaded straight women or something stupid like that)

WHEN WILL THESE PEOPLE GRASP NUANCE AND VARIANCE IN SEX/GENDER EXPRESSION AND EXPERIENCE.

I know a lot of it is the Bible and Christian culture (which is barely even in the Bible at all), but they break the rules and conventions of it EVERYDAY and find a way to justify it. Yet they can never justify people like me who aren’t harming ANYBODY

Which is proof it’s not 100% about religion, even if they’re consciously convinced it is. It’s about prejudice and ignorance.

what I’ll never understand is the motivation a lot of these people give me for being so obsessed with gender essentialism and policing others “the death of masculinity and femininity in men and women respectively will lead to the downfall of society”

LIKE BROTHER SOURCE PLEASE?!! WHATS YOUR SOURCE HELP

And for the love of God, don’t say the Bible. I’m a Christian myself, actually. But I am fully aware that the Bible was never supposed to be a source for ANYTHING. It’s simply a collection of relevant  documents to the history of our faith. That’s it.

GIVE ME A SCIENTIFIC STUDY AND MAYBE I’LL TAKE YOU A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY FOR ONCE (but that will never happen, so by default I will never take these people seriously. Also because if gender variance were an issue, God wouldn’t have made me (and millions of others) the way I am. There are actual problems in this world to worry about, so stop trying to convince me that by “acting like a man” and preferring men who “act like women” I’m contributing to the destruction of society. To be honest, I hope I’m contributing to the downfall of society, because this one stinks). Instead, target the rapists, the murderers, the pedos, the human traffickers, the child exploiters, the money hoarding ultra-rich, the fascists, the racists, the sexists, the homophobes, the supremacists, the nazis, the liars, the cheaters, and the media that promotes them. But most of these people are too far gone to see what’s wrong with the above. So I’m ranting about it all here in this echo chamber. I have no choice.

[personal-blog243]

Thoughts on a particular brand of Christian interpretation of the Bible that grooms them to support authoritarianism…

(Disclaimer: I am not an expert please don’t use me as your only source on this topic)

in my experience most Christians have an extremely hyper-literal interpretation of the Bible that I don’t necessarily agree with, particularly not when combined with the doctrine that the Bible is completely 100% inerrant and infallible and is the absolute highest authority and is the one and only completely true word of God in a very strict literal sense.

It’s a very brutally honest “facts don’t care about your feelings” way to view God and the violence of the Old Testament.

This means that most Christians really DO believe that all of the rape, slavery, war, genocide, etc. in the Bible is totally 100% genuinely perfectly fine with God and that that must be what God himself actually wants to this day in a modern context as well!

Your personal morals be damned. Your feelings about all of this are irrelevant because it is what the book says. Most Christians really believe that if you want to identity as a Christian or a follower of Jesus in any way, you must accept and be perfectly okay with all of the bad things in the Old Testament as well. It’s all or nothing, take it or leave it. You can’t pick and choose. Facts don’t care about your feelings. This is what it means to be a real Christian whether you like it or not.

If you don’t like hearing any of that, or interpret the Bible differently, you clearly disagree with God himself about rape, slavery, homophobia, and genocide and that is all your fault. If you’ve got a problem with God then that’s on you. Surely God believes that you are wrong about these things and you are the problem. Do you think you are smarter than God???? Who are you to complain and question?

Christians are used to hearing these bad things and putting aside their own feelings and basic morals for the sake of the truth (or what they believe is true whether they like it or not 🤷🏼‍♀️). They are used to doing this for the sake of respecting tradition and authority and thinking their emotions and ethical philosophy doesn’t matter when there is a higher authority.

Just keep in mind that this is how most conservative Christians view both the Bible AND the U.S. Constitution! 😳! They are authoritative texts that can’t and shouldn’t be changed and to have an ethical philosophy that is different from the men who wrote these texts is an attack on the abstract concept of truth and authority itself.

This is why they are primed for authoritarianism. They think that having a different understanding of the role of these texts and how to interpret them means you think you are smarter or better than the the founding fathers (in the case of the constitution) and of God himself (in the case of the Bible).

Obviously not ALL Christians necessarily think this way I’m just cautioning against this mentality of having to accept terrible things in the name of truth and authority.

[h3ntaichrist]

ahem, i have some THINGS to SAY, and i'm well aware this may ruffle more than a few feathers. but i find my message to be more important than sparing the feelings of those who continuously evade accountability and the accompanying shame. TW: mentions of religious trauma, addiction, childhood trauma.

the most common response i've seen, online and irl, from christians when encountering something they don’t like or believe is wrong (often based on misguided interpretations of their scripture), is mockery and contempt. usually taking place in the form of memes, jokes, and slanderous or insulting rhetoric. it’s their gut reaction, an attempt to shame others. the only other group i've seen do this as much, if not more, than christians is gen x, but i’ll save that for another time.

this is my experience as bisexual, spiritual but non-religious, ciswoman that heavily supports the very social movements that are often targets of christian mockery: BLM, indigenous land rights, #metoo, LGBTQI+ rights, gun violence prevention, climate change action, USA’s pisspoor hEaLthCaRe system, fentanyl awareness, and systemic poverty. i could go on.

i grew up in the church and i learned a lot. my daddy was a preacher for quite some time, so i speak on these things with a WHOLE lot of experience. i was a troubled kid, born of addict parents. i moved in with my dad around 7 or 8 after my mama “moved to louisiana to be closer to her mom so she could get better”. this wasn’t the real story, nor did it happen that way for my mama, but that’s beside the present point.

i had a lot going on at home that little me couldn’t process alone, and i was never in therapy long enough for it to make a positive impact. each time a therapist started asking questions that pointed to the home dynamic with my dad and step-mom, i was transferred to a new one. this continued until i was no longer taken to therapy, entirely out of my control and earnestly at my detriment.

during this extremely transformative and impressionable period of my adolescence, i spent a whole lot of my time in the church—not just on sunday mornings. i was actively involved with my youth group, attended wednesday services, church camps, retreats, and went on a mission trip to broken arrow, oklahoma. while i made some friends and had some incredible experiences, these were also the places where i felt the most ostracized and i don’t think anything has come close to it since. i was a troubled kid from generational trauma, not wealth, and was destined to be the breaker of this cycle. its real hard to find your footing when the odds are heavily stacked against you.

i was very fortunate to have my grandparents, who provided comfort, kindness, and support, shielding me as much as they could from all the chaos and trauma i experienced at the hands of people who were supposed to protect me. but they could only do much. as a result, i rebelled—hard. or at least as hard as a girl growing up in the church, the bible belt, and just over an hour from Pulaski, TN, a city infamous for reasons you can google, could rebel.

my youth pastor welcomed my weirdness. we didn’t talk much about my situation, but there was an unspoken understanding between us that i’ll never forget or appreciate any less. unfortunately, the same cannot be said for most of the folks i encountered during this time. i often felt humiliated and alone, mocked, and held in contempt. not by all, but certainly the majority.

there are a few folks i still keep in touch with today, one of whom feels almost exactly the way i do. our conversations as adults have been very validating. my childhood best friend, despite our different manifestations of similar childhood trauma, did her best to stay close to me, and for that, i am forever grateful. but again, these supportive experiences were the minority. i wouldn’t feel right not including them, though.

so, forgive me if i do not share your sentiments regarding the “mockery” of your religion during this Olympic season. i don’t care. i honestly couldn’t care less. i know so many people ranging from young to old who share similar stories of experiences with the church, stories filled with mockery, isolation, false concern, and contempt.

i’m not trying to say that one wrong makes another right. this extends beyond some simple tit for tat. so much wrongdoing has occurred throughout history at the hands of christians supposedly carrying out the justice and desires of their lord. it’s time christians learn about, if they aren’t already educated, and subsequently acknowledge this. it’s time christians listen to the stories of those they cast out from their communities, whether indirectly or directly, and work to understand the impact those experiences had on them.

i personally think a step in the right direction would be attempting to understand WHY their religion and its followers are so often mocked and ridiculed by those who have suffered at its hands. but as long as its members choose to blame the devil for the current discourse, rather than acknowledging their transgressions, i will continue to care absolutely zero about the mockery of their religion.

my experiences and observations have shown me that the mockery and contempt often displayed by christians towards those they disagree with is not just a reaction to modern social movements, but a continuation of a long history of exclusion and judgement. this behavior has deep roots in the very bones of the church and its misguided teachings. its crucial for christians to reflect on this history and the pain it has caused, and to seek understanding and MAYBE reconciliation with those they have marginalized. only then can we hope to move forward in a way that fosters genuine compassion and respect for all. until that happens, i will remain indifferent to the mockery of their religion, as it pales in comparison to the suffering inflicted by those who claim to follow it.

and to the few and far between christians who are on the right track in this regard, i’m so sorry for the burden you bear due to the actions of your fellow members, past and present. your efforts to show understanding, compassion,and genuine respect are invaluable. please, don’t give up. your work is crucial in paving the way for a more inclusive and empathetic future.

rest of pics in replies

[soworthloving]

An Apology and Charge

Over the last decade I have watched a war erupt around understanding our worth. Two sides have emerged: “You are worthy of love” and “You are not worthy of love.” “You are enough" versus "You are not enough”. It could be seen as “theological truth” versus “love in action.”   I’m grieved. We've lost the art to get to know the inner wrestlings of someone who struggles to believe that they are worthy of love. That they are in fact, enough to be loved just as they are.

We watch their decisions from afar and instead of understanding, is it possible that we judge the decisions our neighbors make out of their lack of believing they are enough?  

So I just want to say to anyone who has been wounded by this outbreak. I am sorry if someone told you that you were not enough. Maybe you were told that you needed to be more of this or do less of that. I am sorry if that person represented God. I am sorry if that person represented a potential spouse, friend or parent.   I am sorry.

This next part is for my fellow believers….  

We live in a world that is on a constant search for how to degrade, to pervert and diminish who we are and how we are made. So when we want to connect to others and discuss our faith and what Jesus has done, the starting sentence should never be… “you are not enough”, or “you are not worthy”. 

After reading thousands of stories over the last 12 years I can guarantee that with this “you are not enough to be loved" message you will lose the attention of those that probably need to hear the truth more than ever that they are in fact enough and loved. They are the same individuals as you and me who are VERY aware of the torment and pain inside their hearts and minds. We all are on a pursuit of fighting our flesh for instant gratification and desiring a deeper intimacy than this world could ever give us. 

On a daily basis, we carry lies around that tell us that we are disqualified from being loved.  When people who may be weary to believe in God intersect with the message that “you are not enough”, we can interpret this to mean… you are not enough to be loved. You need to clean up. Change the way the past looks… all those thoughts swarm and feel overwhelming. 

So, what happens? 

We turn to other resources to help us cope with the rejection. Resources that can’t provide what we really need: an unconditional love that only God can provide. God is bigger than our past mistakes. God is not scared of our anger. As my mentor Alicia Britt Chole says – God is quite secure that no feelings we have would ever shake him.  

It is not our place to judge. It's our job to reflect truth and the truth is: we are loved and we are enough right now as we are to come to Him.  If we want to point back to the truth of reminding people of their worth, may we start off by vulnerably sharing our own story.

Relating by admitting life is so heavy and exhausting isn’t it?  

Sharing: I face heartache daily that erodes my confidence and my identity and along that way as the weight gets heavier… I’ve learned to cry out to the One person that can help take the heavy weight off. I’ve come to find out, it's not a matter of me not being enough, for God will receive me just as I am. I am enough to be loved by Him. I don’t need to look, be, or perform a certain way for me to begin talking to Him. I’ve learned I can’t carry depression, anxiety, death of a loved one, addiction, or the big and small insecurities I face by myself. We need each other. We need each other to reflect back what faith looks like and what it could develop into. May we have conversations that honor each other.  So if the weight is heavy and life is hard, YOU ARE LOVED and you are ENOUGH right now to surrender and release all your fears and worries to the One who is stronger and worthy of our trust when we feel we have nowhere else to go and our own strength has run out. While He may be our last resort, we are always His first choice.   WITH MUCH LOVE, eryn

[psalm40speakstome]

[heavensbride777]

Find Healing and Truth in Gods Word

In a world that often wounds and confuses us, many are left searching for peace, healing, and purpose. The pressures of life can leave deep scars, and trusting the world to provide solutions can often lead to more hurt. However, there is a source of truth and hope that never fails—the Word of God. As believers, we know that the answers we seek are not found in the fleeting wisdom of the world,…

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Wanted to go anon but I asked in DMs if I could vent so hopefully this’ll make me feel better:

A lot of times I feel Christianity is causing me more harm than good. I grew up in the Baptist south and I see Christians so happy with God and their blessings. And while I acknowledge my blessings and thank God for them I don’t think I feel the same kind of joy everyone else does. I went to a revival at my aunt’s church last October and came out of it with horrible anxiety that lasted for months. Even as people talked about God’s love and mercy and second chances I left without feeling that love, I was scared and it felt like I wasn’t a good Christian and that when I was saved years ago no longer counted. Any time I see someone talk about spreading the Gospel I feel low and awful cause no one has come to me and told me they’re Christian now and why should God let me into Heaven if I can’t do that?

I recently discover scrupulosity and I’m 90% that’s what I have. It was a relief to know (even if I can’t always believe it) it’s ocd making me feel this way and not God. But how I can I find comfort in the faith when that is where my anxiety stems from?

Hey there. My heart aches for you and the harm Christianity has brought you. When faith is done right, it should be a place of support, a place you feel encouraged towards growth and vulnerability. Instead, it sounds like you've been taught fear — that you're not "good enough" for God or heaven; that not feeling what everyone else seems to be feeling is a failing on your part.

You deserve so much better, and it's not your fault that this is the Christianity you've been put through.

I want to start by saying that what you're feeling, or what you don't feel, does not make you a "bad Christian"; it's not a sign of God's disfavor; and it absolutely does not bar you from heaven!

It's such an alienating feeling to be surrounded by people who seem to be experiencing something you just can't seem to access. It reminds me of Psalm 42, where the psalmist wrestles with their depression and anxiety:

But I remember these things as I bare my soul:     how I made my way to the mighty one’s abode,     to God’s own house,         with joyous shouts and thanksgiving songs—         a huge crowd celebrating the festival! Why, I ask myself, are you so depressed?     Why are you so upset inside? Hope in God!     Because I will again give him thanks,         my saving presence and my God. (Psalm 42:4-5)

In the above verses, the psalmist visits God's Temple, is surrounded by people shouting joyfully...and all they seem to feel is that soul-deep depression. They also wonder, "What's wrong with me??" The hope they find even in this fretting about their inability to feel the joy everyone else is, is the hope that there will be a future time when they will once again feel the gratitude and joy they can't access right now.

What will it take, what does this psalmist need, in order to work through their depression and into joy? ...What do you need?

One thing I highly recommend, if at all possible, is finding a therapist who can help you through your religious hurt and help you navigate scrupulosity.

Look for therapists who specialize in religious trauma, or scrupulosity, or "deconstructing" faith, or working with "ex-vangelicals."

In your consult with them, make sure they are, like, not part of a conservative Christian church themselves and actually aim to keep patients in such spaces; make sure they are there to help you find spiritual wellbeing, wherever that journey takes you. Asking about their view on LGBTQ+ persons might be one way to determine their overall aims.

I'm by no means a mental health professional; I'm not an expert in scrupulosity and I don't know best practice for working through religious trauma when scrupulosity is part of your experience. So please take everything that comes next in this post with a huge grain of salt, that I'm offering what I've seen work for some people, but that doesn't mean it's the right thing for you. Getting that professional support is much more ideal.

Along with professional support, I do feel that a break from Christianity, or at least the Christian spaces you are currently part of, may give you the space to work through everything.

However, if not going to church will impact your scrupulosity or activate fears about hell, prepare some options in advance for dealing with that — whether it's having someone you trust you can talk to, or setting up your own Sunday worship, a space and time where you pray, read scripture, etc. at home.

If you feel that even those preparations won't be enough to keep safe from those fears, you might wait till you get a therapist who can help you navigate whatever comes up when you leave church.

You could also start looking around for different kinds of churches than you've currently experienced, churches that make space for depression and fear, and that emphasize that God's love is freely given, not earned. This is my post with tips for finding an affirming church near you. But I want to emphasize that it's okay if you aren't ready to start looking for a new church, or if you're unsure you ever want to do that.

Finding people who are going through similar things could be very helpful — people who get it, who can share their stories with you as you share yours with them.

A progressive church might be a place you can find that support.

It's also possible that LGBTQ orgs in your area might offer resources for those with religious trauma.

There are also online options, such as Journey Free, which offers both free and paid support — including online support groups.

Recovering from Religion is another site with support group options, online and in person (note: I'm not that familiar with this org, so if anyone has experience with them please share).

If you're a reader, two books I think might bring you some healing and reframe your relationship with faith are:

Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor, which explores a Christian faith that has room for depression, grief, fear, pain, rather than pressuring everyone to Be Happy All The Time to "prove" they're blessed. (I have a tag with a few excerpts from this book)

Bad Theology Kills by Kevin Garcia, which unpacks a lot of the harmful stuff Christians in evangelical / fundamentalist type churches internalize.

You might also find some useful stuff on my FAQ, particularly the "emotions and sins: guilt and fear, anger and hate" section and the "on God" and "prayer and faith" sections.

I'm not sure how helpful all this was, but I want you to know that you are worthy of spiritual thriving, of finding places that bring you peace and joy rather than fear and isolation. I'll be praying for you as you unpack what you've been through and where you need to go to find that thriving. The journey will probably be long and bumpy, but you do not have to go it alone. <3

[kaapstadmk]

Unpacking some church hurt here, so TW, scroll on

Aight, so, I've been thinking of how Evangelical (that is, American, politically conservative) Christians will take a plain reading of scripture and run it through a wringer, and call the end product the plain reading.

Like, one of my favorite verses is "It is the kindness of God that leads men to repentance." Great verse, right? Tell me how, when I was at a Christian college, with the exception of my evangelism professor, everyone created this convoluted self-rationalization that the greatest kindness one could do for a non-believer would be to warn (i.e. confront) them that they were going to hell, as they're doing an eternal good, whereas giving food, clothing, or money was a lesser, temporary good.

Or taking passages referring to the casting of judgment within the church to apply outside the church, or to take the passages stating that God would judge, as prooftext that they should judge, when that is the exact opposite of what the entire passage is trying to say (essentially, be kind and hospitable; leave the judgement to God).

Or, despite how the entirety of the New Testament resounds with "come as you are", they have created "you must be this holy to join."

Like, none of that is Gospel, y'all. Ain't nothing in all of that shit that is good news, that would be rest for the weary and a soothing balm to a broken world. Ain't no balm in Gilead [denomination] Church.

[escaping-amish]

This sums it up lol Via TheMedicatedWitch on TT

[mindfulnessministry]

[whereifindsanity]

David Kushner - Humankind

[faithfromanewperspective]

something I’ve recently realised and am only now learning to put words is that I need all this emotional intimacy for one of the reasons my brain is how it is: the whole being known, the whole connecting over shared experiences, the whole feeling like I’m part of something emotional intimacy preferably with people I’m in the same room as more often than not. I wonder if it’s because I need to see my own emotions on someone else to be sure that I exist, because it’s a form of co-regulation I’ve adapted to, because it shows something about who God is or something else—it doesn’t matter, but what matters is I need it to be able to do things like sleep without significant help and to process my emotions and be productive and creative and also to feel any sort of sexual or romantic attraction.

somewhere along the line, someone convinced me that the church is meant to provide these things. It was well intentioned and might have been indistinguishable from the call to said church to actually go about starting to do these things—but the thing is it’s all well and good in theory but while I’m not getting my needs met I can’t just sit around and wait, I tried that and my whole life got put on hold and I’m still learning how to get up and realise I can seize the day or whatever when there’s been this empty hollow inside of me for as long as I can remember. I also can’t be the one to build the kind of thing I want for myself: I’ve tried that to, overworking myself to volunteer just in order to get scraps of the connection I longed for. Had me burnt out and self destructive and very much certain that if I stepped away from the very things that were destroying me I’d have to go without even worse than I already was and I would die.

there comes a point where you just have to have radical acceptance. something so good in theory that white scholars who don’t realise what it’s like to go without something they need so badly have decided it should be and therefore we should act like the intention is enough. It’s not. you don’t get fit by intending to go to the gym and you don’t ask your partner out by intending to have that conversation and you don’t fix world hunger by intending to but then doing nothing about it. and it’s true people do nothing about it, because they’re steeped in a culture that values individualism and thinks you can only have intimacy with someone when you’re also having sex.

it’s a culture that’s deeply oppressive to aspec people. I’ve said so before. and I think what drew me in to the church on this particular broken promise was that it called out those things. seemed to get it. and in the end was no better than anyone else except for stigmatising things like sleeping in the same bed with someone you’re not married to until it became a weird thing to ask for, something that would likely involve romantic feelings coming up just because everyone is so starved for intimacy. we don’t know how to have it, don’t know how to be vulnerable, for the most part don’t even realise it’s a problem and I can point to exactly why.

most people don’t have it impact them as directly and as front and centre in their lives as I do, when I don’t know how to go on a second date because of it, and I can’t just sit there and ignore it, ignore how it’s taking us away from being able to love each other and even love God as a result if that’s something we’d like to pursue. shallow hearts for shallow minds or whatever (that ache to be alive but don’t know it, it’s been a while since I’ve quoted 5sos on main). but that’s the thing. someone else should’ve realised too and be feeling the impacts of it. there’s probably someone. and they’re scared and confused to speak up just like I am.

and no wonder, when it’s so hard to explain exactly why it hurt so much when we went through the exact same thing as everyone else, everyone inexplicably thriving in it or at least, not being so actively hurt by the culture we’re in every day. my body goes into fight or flight mode when it’s around another human, when all I’ve longed for is this connection but I can’t have intimacy when people simply invalidate my need for it just because they don’t have the same needs. when it’s hard to explain to a date that maybe I’ll be attracted to them someday but I need them to help me change the world first and I’m so lonely and my body wants to be horny but it just can’t. not without the necessary steps beforehand I’ve almost given up hope on.

this sounds like a pretty hopeless rant but I’ve got some semblance of a plan, which I came up while writing this like I always do—I figure I’m going to be homeless, church wise, and single until I find it but I’ve gotta go find people who feel like me, I’ve got no other viable choice. I need to have relationships with community and I need intimacy of some kind and in order for that to happen I need this part of myself to be seen, not be something too stigmatised to ever talk about. I can take that risk, socially, it’s well within something I’m capable of. and it’s going to be confusing at first: the way my sexuality is hinging on something so much bigger than I am, but a date is as good a time as any to bring it up, considering I’m a dexisexuality explained on first date kinda person anyway. and the right people will get it. I’m going to find them.