#Cycle of abuse

[furiousgoldfish]

abusers: you should resolve everything peacefully with understanding and patience. nobody needs to be violent or argumentative. peace and love at all times.

except whEN I DECIDE I WANT VIOLENCE, THEN I WILL INFLICT VIOLENCE there will be as Much Violence as I want and I will get my fucking way by force every single time!!!!

but as soon as thats over and I'm satisfied, hey you should be peaceful! why are you being insane and emotional? why are you not being peaceful about this? what are you talking about, it was a funny joke! haha, don't be silly, you're imagining things. You should not argue or raise your voice or it might trigger more violence ;) and it would be your fault. I decide when violence will happen and I can do as much of it as I want, you should not argue if I want peace. Now calm down and remember you are evil if you do not forgive and forget immediately though I will not apologize or acknowledge I did anything. Peace and love forever!

[anotherdarkiboi]

Is anyone going to talk about how Cazador was also both victim and abuser? How as Vellioth's spawn, he tried to reach out to a former friend (likely for help) and then Vellioth made Cazador watch as he drained his friend dry as punishment (and how Cazador locked Astarion up in a tomb for a year after being unwilling to kill a "darling boy" and trying to run)? How Cazador tried to rebel against his master and failed, being impaled for 11 years after (and how in Cazador's journals, he records all the actions of his spawn “with particular attention paid to Astarion”, and it's only in recent entries when Astarion disobeys him and goes missing that he “betrays any emotion” and is furious, writing about how he tortured Astarion's "siblings" for not finding him and wanting to torture Astarion himself)? How Cazador kills Vellioth during the Rite of Perfect Slaughter (just as Astarion kills Cazador during his Ascension ritual)?

How Astarion says that Cazador took particular pleasure in torturing him because his “screams sounded the sweetest”, but it's more likely that Cazador saw himself in Astarion from when he was Vellioth's spawn? How Cazador says "You are mine. Forever." in Astarion's nightmare, and how Ascended Astarion says "That's what you want, isn't it? To be mine, forever?" to Tav?

The parallels. The cycle. Augh.

[magnetothemagnificent]

A reminder for anyone (including myself) who might need it:

In order to break the cycle of dysfunctional immediate families, you need cooperation with your family. It's not on you alone.

If there's a toxic cycle of broken parent-child relationships, it's not your job to maintain a harmful relationship with your parent/s to "break the cycle".

If there's a toxic cycle of broken sibling relationships, it's not your job to maintain a harmful relationship with your sibling/s to "break the cycle".

You need more than one person to heal interfamilial estrangement and dysfunction. It's not on you alone. If your parent/s or sibling/s don't also put in an effort to break the cycle, it won't be broken.

Taking on the burden all on your own won't fix anything and will just lead to more hurt.

[zykamiliah]

svsss and the cycle of abuse

so in the three iterations of the cycle of abuse, there's always four parties at play:

-the abuser who is also a figure of authority, and is therefore abusing their power

-the abused and/or unwanted child

-and the naive party/favored child, who is doted on by the abuser and who is blind to the abuser's abusive behaviour

-the abused child draws comfort and protection from the favored child, while the latter seems to love them. this love will worsen the abuse since the abuser doesn't like that the abused child gets on well with the favored child.

-there's also a passive party who knowingly allows the abuse, thus being passively complicit to it

not featured in the diagram: the environment and people in the abuser's cycle also exhibit abusive tendencies, since they emulate the authority figure (in each iteration, those are the men at Qiu Manor, Ming Fan and the other Qing Jing Peak disciples, and Bingge's followers, respectively).

as to the question of who is worse, who did the most damage: it's complicated. in my opinion, they were equally awful in their own, personal ways. the scope of the power the abuser holds is important here. bingge is a heir of qjl's and sj's abuse cycles, thus he looks to be the more evil. in reality, one couldn't exist without the other and if the roles were swapped, they would do as much damage as bingge.

adding @treasurewoodbox's tags from another post because I feel they summarize the topic beautifully:

[biceratops7]

Y’all for real,

I need less fics/ concepts of Ed going all Kraken on Stede’s ass and waaay more stubborn determination to not be like his father.

One of the best things about their relationship is that Ed is so fucking gentle with him. And he’s a pretty naturally amiable guy, but it’s this special kind of carefulness reserved specifically for Stede.

He goes so out of his way to speak kindly to him, touch him only with affection and reassurance, vocally express his delight at all of Stede’s silly little habits. I think the harshest we’ve ever heard Ed be with him is when he’s being a dick about the map burning up, and it lasts for two minutes before he’s like “oof, that was so cringe” and spends the rest of the episode making sure Stede feels happy and appreciated.

It’s the small shows of care for his well being too. He doesn’t just generally want Stede alive and mostly uninjured, he doesn’t want him to hurt himself with the lantern sparks, he arranges for someone to come get Stede just so he can sleep a little and feel rested for the road ahead

Fuck Ed doesn’t even want him to feel scared, or think bad things about himself.

Cause he’s lived his whole adult life as a pirate, a literal pirate, and still the most impactful source of pain and trauma he’s endured to this day was watching his mother be mistreated, the terrible choice he had to make to protect her. Ed’s mother coped with her abuse by teaching her son that nothing can get better and that they were designed by God to be undeserving of comfort and safety, something that low key really fucked him up. More Ed continuing to nuke the cycle of abuse please! If the events of episode 10 are Too Big and he messes up, I get it, healing isn’t linear, but holy shit please stop letting it go unexamined. Don’t ignore this context.

I don’t think that resolved look is just for promising to end his mother’s suffering, but also “I will not recreate it.”

[toothmarqed]

LEARN TO LICK IT OFF OF KNIVES

Roman & Logan - Succession (2018)

[neuroticboyfriend]

okay. i finally found something on parents love bombing that is not ableist against cluster B's or encouraging parents to love bomb. it's in the form of a comment on this reddit post from 6 years ago. here's the comment, from u/Glaucus92:

Lovebombing is part of the cycle of abuse. The cycle you'll usually find is this one:

Calm -> Tension building -> Incident -> Reconcilliation -> Calm

Lovebombing is part of the "Reconcilliation" part. After an incident, a victim will usually try to confront, give consequences to, or withdraw form the abuser. In order to keep the victim close, to keep power over them, an abuser may lovebomb their victim. It is not linked to a specifc role in an abisive dynamic. It is a technique used by abuser as a reaction to 'losing' a victim.

The abuser will (attempt to) be the person you always wanted them to be. That can be the parent that listens to you when you talk about your interest. It can be that they tell you how proud they are of you, how they've always been proud, etc. It can be that they buy you gifts or give you money. This behaviour isn't exclusive to abusive parents either; think of how an abusive spouse might organize a wonderful date or get an expensive gift for their victims.

The goal of the lovebombing is to give you a little taste of what you usually never get from them, be it attention, financial aid, praise, compliments, whatever. By giving you that tiny bit, they are basically pretending that they can be this nice, loving parent. The underlying unspoken message of course being that things could be like this, if only you tried harder, or weren't like x, or were more like y. Because without the realization that they are abusive, it doesn't make sense for them to purposefully hurt you and then be really nice to you.

Lovebombing insipres false hope that if only you could be better, the abuser wouldn't be abusive. It also helps wiht the gaslighting; when they do all these nice things for you in that moment, you might think that you over-exagerated the previous abuse. It's usually only when you look back and realise that all these 'nice' things only happened when you were upset with them or withdrew from them.

Since you asked for examples:

A parent who is usually very disinterested in your life suddenly makes a lot of effort to discuss you hobbies with you.

A parent might start to give you a lot of compliments all of a sudden, or tell stories about how they've told others about how amazing you are.

Parents might give you gifts for no reason. Stating that they just wanted to be nice, or just thought of you when they saw it.

They might start calling or visiting a lot, especially when they previously didn't. Saying things about how much they miss you.

Trying to harken back to 'the good old days'. Sending you pictures of happy childhood memories or recounting old stories.

It might be straight up bribery. A conflict happens, and after the intial blow up you are given cash/money to buy something nice or becasue they ust want to help.

A parent might try to smooth things over by taking you to a place or on a trip you wanted to go to.

I know some of these might sound like perfectly normal things, and they would be coming from non-abusive people. It becomes an abusive tactic when it happens more often than not (or in greater intesity) after a conflict has occured. It also almost always happens in lieu of an actual apology. By lovebombing instead of apologizing, the abuser doesn't have to take responisbility for their action. The unspoken agreement that governs this is that by accepting the gift/loveboming, the victim doesn't hold the abuser accountable.

[rhaistars]

PM cycle of abuse

The cycle of abuse in the port mafia is kind of of insane, It's a web at this point. It includes the old boss (most likely), Mori, Kouyou, Yosano, Dazai, Chuuya(I'll explain why), Akutagawa, Kyouka, and Higuchi. Almost all of the main PM members except Kajii, Gin, and Hirotsu.

Mori -> Dazai -> Akutagawa-> Kyouka

Most likely the most well-known chain of this web, which means the explanation isn't needed as much. To begin, Mori had found Dazai right after a suicide attempt, then using him as a witness for the Old boss' death. Dazai had become the youngest executive ever and found Akutagawa and begun training him.

Now Dazai didn't really see any value in any life, including his own, so his training in Akutagawa was quite brutal, making it clear he viewed Akutagawa as weak, and physically harming him. Akutagawa was unable to use his ability for defense, that is until Dazai had planned to finish Akutagawa off, but Rashomon took in the bullets, saving his life.

Akutagawa had a view that if you're weak, you shouldn't live. He made that clear towards Kyouka often, and physically abused by him in a few scenes of season 1.

Luckily the cycle of abuse between those four ended there, but it does show the difference between the abuser's way of abuse, Mori was more Manipulative and Emotionally abusive, Dazai was more physical, and degrading, and Akutagawa was physically abusive as well, but would always speak of Kyouka's ability, which she despised.

Old Boss -> Kouyou -> Kyouka

Now, this chain of abuse is a little speculation with the old boss, but I'll try to explain the best that I can.

To start, when we learned Kouyou's backstory, it was revealed that when she was young, she tried to run away from the Port Mafia. She did this because she saw hope in living a happy life. Unfortunately, the mafia captured them and the man. It is also said that Kouyou held a grudge against the old boss for that, and it is most likely that the old boss was the one who ordered the man to be killed.

I wouldn't ignore the idea that the Old Boss had a similar influence to Kouyou, as she did to Kyouka. Speaking of her influence over Kyouka, she had projected her trauma onto Kyouka, making her scared to leave. She didn't do it out of malicious intent however, she did it to keep her safe, which obviously doesn't excuse her actions. Once again, this abuse chain ends with Kyouka.

Mori -> Chuuya

Now this one might seem random, however Chuuya is a part of this web of abuse in a way. He was forced by Mori to help with the investigation of the Old Boss, this had led to the sheep fearing that they were being betrayed, trying to kill Chuuya. Although it was not physical abuse whatsoever, it was still manipulation, or emotional abuse.

I do understand that this might be debatable and i'd be glad to hear what you believe.

Akutagawa -> Higuchi, Mori -> Yosano

Due to these being two people chains that branch off from the main two, they will be grouped together in a sense.

Akutagawa gets physical and belittling towards Higuchi whenever she messes up, such as in episode 2 when she fails to kill Tanizaki and Naomi. Her abuse is not as major compared to all the characters, but she is still in the web even if some people don't view it that way.

Mori took Yosano into the barracks of the great war for his soldiers when she was 11. Her ability can make people heal people completely, only if they are on the brink of death. Mori had used that as a way to keep soldiers from going home or dying. At the start, soldiers were thankful for Yosano, but then they resented her, making her not want to help anymore. Mori didn't allow that as an option, and forced her to, leading to the death of a soldier who she became fond off.

All of these chains differ in the kind of abuse, physical, manipulation, death, belittling, but they all are intertwined in one way or another.

[howifeltabouthim]

But fathers cast a long shadow. Some outrun it, but others get caught, and then they act out their father's sins over and over, like mummers in a play, even when they have the best of intentions.

Lev Grossman, from The Bright Sword

[hushpuppy5-blog]

"Why do we romanticize the dead? Why can't we be honest about them? Especially moms. They're the most romanticized of anyone.

Moms are saints, angels by merely existing. NO ONE could possibly understand what it's like to be a mom. Men will never understand. Women with no children will never understand. No one but moms know the hardship of motherhood, and we non-moms must heap nothing but praise upon moms because we lowly, pitiful non-moms are mere peasants compared to the goddesses we call mothers.

Jennette McCurdy, I'm Glad My Mom Died

This book is difficult to read, but it has so many gems like this one. Of course, there are people still saying that she shouldn't talk like this about her mother, as if the person who abused her in more ways than one is owed that level of grace in death. If her mother was still alive, she still wouldn't be free to talk about her experiences without judgement. Mothers are deified just for popping out a few kids, even if they turn out to be severely maladjusted. Jeanette has already made it clear that she doesn't intend on having kids in the near future, which many people seem to have an issue with. They think having kids means that she has healed from her trauma, which is a sinister mode of thought. Her refusing to do so already make her more sensible in my eyes compared to the women who will still have kids and wind up continuing that cycle of abuse, rather than healing from it and staying childfree.

And it's funny how mothers and fathers can come online and complain about their kids and even outright say that they hate them just for being born (TikTok is a breeding ground for these attention-seekers). However, when their kids call them out on how terrible they were as parents (or will even cut them off completely) they aren't given that same freedom to do so without the backlash of being "ungrateful".

And people are wondering why the number of parricide cases have been sky-rocketing lately...

[furiousgoldfish]

Abusive parents have 3 modes. First is complete neglect, you don't exist and could be painfully dying all they care. Second is 'I need to use you for something so better do as you're told or else', and the third is absolute and complete hatred where you're responsible for everything horrid in the world and they're taking out their entire rage out on you. You're either non-existent, or a tool, or a target.

Fourth secret thing is when they pretend they care about you in front of others, or give you a gift, so you feel confused about whether they're abusive or not.

[thekingofwinterblog]

Sasha's Parents

Allright, so thanks to the diary we finally got some definite info on Sasha's parents. Let's dissect it, and analyze how the divorce might have turned her into the person she is today.

According to Anne, Sasha's parents divorced when she was around four- or five-years-old. Her father remarried and doesn't seem to have had any other kids, while her mother has a long-term boyfriend who has kids of his own.

So what does this tell us? Well, the first thing we have to do is speculate which of Sasha's parents has custody of her, because knowing that, we can draw a lot of conclusions.

Personally, I am almost certain that it's her father, for reason i'll go into below.

Firstly, let's analyze the events of the divorce, before trying to figure out how the events of the series relates to the original plan the creators had to have an episode where Sasha reveals the full details of her backstory to Anne.

Mr and Mrs Waybright divorced when Sasha was 5 years old, but the implication we get from what little we know about the two people involved suggests that this wasn't simply a case of two people realizing things weren't working out... Because the implications seems to be that Mrs Waybright left her husband for another man... Who already had kids of his own, and who she very explicitly did not marry.

Why is this important? Because it explains everything we ever needed to know about Sasha's seething, burning desire to always be in control, and more importantly, on top.

Because in Sasha's 5 year old mind, seeing her mom leave her dad for another man, who already had a bunch of kids, while abandoning her, is tantamount to saying that she was worthless in her mother's eyes. She didn't measure up. Clearly her mom cared more about these kids than her... When in reality, it was the new boyfriend she actually cared about, not the kids. Neither the new ones... Or her own flesh and blood.

It also explains perfectly why Sasha's reaction to the Plantars "Stealing" Anne from her turned her downright murderous. In her mind it was basically history repeating itself again. Her losing someone she loved to another family she knew nothing about.

No wonder this girl hated the very concept of family.

Meanwhile, her dad married another woman, which which can safely assume was not a warm, loving relationship. More likely than not, whether this woman wanted to try and be a mother to Sasha, it's abundantly clear that that wasn't gonna happen. After the divorce, Sasha would have rejected any and all attempts at replacing her mother, and that stuck.

Her eternal quest to make Anne and Marcy happy is also explained by this. Sasha wants to make the people she loves happy. She wants them to like her, to appreciate her, to be rewarded with love and attention by people she loves and cares about.

But while this does explain a lot(Her control issues, her disdain for family, her non existent love for said family) there is still some things it does not explain, or at least there seems to be something more we aren't told.

So, let's put forth another question, to explain the things that a simple, if ugly divorce does not explain.

Was Sasha abused by her parents?

Throughout the series, Sasha continously says some extremely heavy lines, that though they fit perfectly with what is happening in the moment, all seem to be as a response to something else that happened previously in Sasha's life, that we just don't have the context for.

When Sasha hits her absolute lowest point, after having seemingly destroyed the only thing she truly cared about for Good and all, Sasha very deliberately refers to herself as belonging in the Trash, and that it's all someone like her deserves, in a tone that suggests she is accepting something she felt deep in her heart was innevitable.

That could be her being overly dramatic... But it could be something else.

Like she had been told that this was all she amounted to, a worthless brat who no one would love, who belonged in the trash.

Not while Anne and Marcy are getting by withouth me.

This line is pretty clear in it's meaning, but again, the way it's said and worded suggests it's referencing something someone else said at some point.

Hey anne... Maybe you're better off without me.

Sasha's famous line when she decides to kill herself is an important one, and one where she proves that she is willing to lay down her life for anne if it comes to that.

But knowing the circumstances with her parents divorce, it's hard not to read more into it. That Sasha had a genuine fear that her mother didn't just leave her, but that she was better off withouth her.

That could be projecting... but it doesn't have to be. Sasha could have heard it straight from the horse's mouth.

End of discussion

This one is absolutely referencing a line. This is a line Sasha uses to shut down any arguments Anne has when Sasha wants the discussion to end.

But that isn't something kids tend to learn on their own. They learn that by example. By mimicking others.

So before going into speculation of how Sasha may or may not have been abused, lets finish by pointing out the biggest argument for it.

The incredibly unsettling, and unnatural way Sasha does not care about her Parents in any way.

Sasha makes it abundantly clear throughout the entire series that she does not care about her parents. At all. Her relationship with them isn't a complicated one. It's nonexistent. As far as she cares, it does not exist.

That is incredibly unnatural behavior from a child. Even the most abused, or neglected of children will usually have some form of natural attachment to their parents, or parental figures. It's simply the way human beings are made.

It takes A LOT to break that bond completely, even for an adult.

But Sasha isn't an adult. She is a child. And yet her bond to her parents is as far as she is concerned for most of the series, broken beyond any repair.

And she doesn't care to try and fix it. That all on it's own speaks volumes of just how BAD her relationship with her folks are.

So, let's get to speculating on what exactly the kind of abuse Sasha might have gone through with her parents, because there is probably two very distinct kinds from each of her parents.

Of the two, I would guess that if she was abused, the most visceral part came from her mom.

Most of Sasha's biggest issues are clearly a result of her mother leaving her, and so this would make sense.

So, what sort of abuse might Sasha have suffered at the hands of her mother that broke her down so badly, given the woman left her behind, and so probably didn't interact with her much beyond this?

If i had to guess, all of it probably stems for what happened during the divorce, where her mom essentially put all her cards on the table, and let her real feelings be put on full display.

And there are several reasons her mom might have had to lash out at her own child. It could be as simple as the fact she used Sasha to hurt her now ex-husband. Rubbing in that he was stuck with her now.

It could be that sasha was an unplanned child that she didn't want, and had secretly resented for all five years of her life.

She may have been pressured into having her by her Mr Waybright, and now that she no longer had to even try to make him happy, she made it abundantly clear how much she never wanted the damned child he put in her.

Or she could flat out not have liked Sasha, based solely on her personality.

Whatever the reasons, it's clear that the events of the divorce shattered Sasha to her core, and would be essential into forming her into the person she was at the start of the series.

Having one of the people that Sasha(Who is a person who forms STRONG attachments) loves more than any other, turn on her completely, and reveal she always hated her would probably have done the trick.

Now, let's move on to Mr Waybright.

I am very certain that Sasha probably learned the "End. Of. Discussion." From him, as their relationship seems to have been a different kind of breakdown.

Namely that he seems to have given up on Sasha, giving her a level of personal control over her life that is downright irresponsible, letting her throw parties on the regular, seemingly giving her free access to cash as she needs it, and having failed to instill any discipline into his kid.

These are all classic symptoms of a relationship where the parent has given up, and simply gives the kid what they want so they don't have to deal with them.

But was this always the case?

The simple fact is, that with what we know of Mrs Waybright, the extreme destruction of her relationship with Sasha makes sense. There are details one has to speculate on, but there is a clear line to follow from point A to B.

Not so with Mr Waybright.

We know where they ended up, the turning point, but not the steps between.

The only thing we have to go on, Is that amongst her many, many unusual traits for someone so young, Sasha has a much older person's view on discipline. Namely she does not respond to it, because she does not respect the person delivering it, be they teachers or Grime.

It does not take a genius to figure out that this probably stems from her relationship with her father.

The simplest, and most likely explanation is that Mr Waybright attempts at parenting probably involved a lot of discipline, and attempts to instill Sasha with a sense dread at a phrace with the meaning of "This conversation is over".

In this he obviously failed, Because for whatever reason(probably something that happened during the divorce) Sasha does not respect him... But Sasha in turn seems to have learned this very kind of tactic herself from him.

Mr Waybright thusly seems to have had more of a sense of familial obligation to Sasha... At least trying to instill her with something resembling discipline... Until finally just giving up on her all together and just letting her do as she pleased.

All in all whether there was actual abuse involved, or just a child's entire world crumbling due to a very ugly divorce, I really, really wish we'd gotten Sasha's backstory episode.

[tommyriddlez]

those who can‘t control their emotions, tend to get attracted to emotionally unaivalable hearts

[zykamiliah]

on the topic of lestat, loustat and the cycle of abuse, it's really striking to me how lestat ends up reproducing the same of abusive family dynamic that he had in the past, with him as his abusive father, louis as his mother and claudia as the child, probably because he really hasn't internalized it and examined himself in the light of it, and overlooks how much he's like father. well, he does know he has "his father's temper" but that's a way to absolve himself of the blame and not really examine and be aware of how he'd be capable of doing the same.

i mean everything he says at the DPDL dinner table is basically what happens later: even the part where he drags claudia back home against her will is hauntingly similar to what was done to him by his father and his brothers.

goes to show how being abused doesn't really prevent you from developing abusive behaviors later in your life. he's one core part of the cycle of abuse, and i really hope the show will eventually address how he needs to change his ways (he admitted at the end that he wronged louis but i would like to see him enumerate the many ways he hurt louis and claudia)

[50stressballs]

“This person has harmed me in unbelievable and unforgivable ways” and “this person has experienced unbelievable and unforgivable harm from others” are not mutually exclusive. A lot of times the people who abused you were abused themselves. That’s an explanation, but it’s not an excuse. Don’t let people get away with shit just because shit happened to them. And don’t let the shit they do to you influence you to do shit like that to other people.

Break the cycle, babes. But remember you can only do that if you acknowledge it exists.

[redtippedfox]

Emilie Agreste: wielder of the Peacock Miraculous

A caged peacock who’s wings were clipped.

A broken miraculous or a dark secret that killed her.

No one but the dead know.