#Hatred is too strong of an emotion to waste on someone you don't like. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

maplecornia · 3 years

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chapter 34

𝔞/𝔫: this chapter will be in 3rd person POV

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 3.45K

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

When was the moment he realized things were broken?

Driving down the dark streets, his hand clenches on the wheel of the car. Memories of past smiles, foreign whispers of love, someone's hand holding his while he couldn't feel more alone...

Maybe he always knew.

Maybe he just didn't want to admit it to himself.

Pausing in front of a stop sign, he looks over as his phone buzzes, a message popping up on the screen. He doesn't bother looking at it, he knows it's not going to say what he wants it to say.

Watching the blinking lights at an empty street, he considers running it. There's nobody else around. No one would even notice. Even if he somehow did get in an accident would it matter? At this point is there anyone left who cares? Once the light changes green, the thoughts disappear as though they had never existed in the first place.

Jimin, you knew this would happen eventually.

You made this game.

"Yen, what's your secret?"

How is she able to smile so brightly? He sees the darkness in her eyes, he sees the way she disappears into herself, he sees the struggle inside her as she fights to be happy every day.

So why? How is she so strong?

Why can't I be that strong?

Jimin thought he would be able to forget everything. He thought it wouldn't matter. All he wanted was someone to be beside him. All he wanted was to not feel alone. He didn't think that having someone beside him, knowing that they didn't love him, knowing that they were using him for everything else but love...

He didn't think it would make him feel cold, almost isolated.

And yet, he still doesn't want to let go.

When his phone buzzes once more, he looks over at the passenger seat, not paying attention to the road. He doesn't notice as he comes across another intersection. He doesn't notice the crosswalk, nor the woman who is crossing. He’s too focused on the name that flashes on his screen. Debating in his strangled min whether or not to answer.

When he reaches her, just a few feet away, may it be fate or destiny he turns away from the phone just in time to see the woman. Adrenaline pumping violently through his body, his eyes widen as she turns, hearing the roar of the engine and the screech of the tires. Instinct taking over his body, Jimin slams his foot on the brake, the car managing to squeal to a stop, just a few inches away from the frozen woman. In the few moments it takes for him to register her face, he's able to discern one thing.

Bright luminescent green eyes.

In the silence that follows, Jimin breathes heavily, looking over his wheel almost hesitantly. He doesn't know if he hit her, all he's aware of is that she can no longer be seen through the windshield. Fear erupting in his nerves in waves, he frantically unbuckles with shaking fingers, opening the door and dashing to the front of the car. The buzzing phone now forgotten.

He pauses for a moment taking in the scene.

The good news is that he didn't hit her.

The bad news is Jimin quite possibly terrorized her beyond reality.

She’s fallen to the ground, bags of groceries scattered around her, her eyes wide and her entire body shaking. Her hands wrap around the gravel on the ground as she shivers, her lips moving as tears start to appear at her eyes, but no sound can be heard. Jimin notices the scratches her knees have endured from the fall, the way dark smudges of pavement have mixed with the tears on her cheeks, and the small drops of blood dripping from her hands so brutally ripping through the pieces of gravel and dirt.

Sighing, he kneels beside her, trying to gather her attention. It proves to be quite difficult considering the way her eyes are locked on the headlights of the car just a few inches away from her. She shivers as she contemplates how she could have died just a few moments ago and finds the thought far too horrifying to comprehend. Fear paralyzing her like a virus, Jimin has to take her by the shoulders to gather her attention.

And there they are again. Brilliant green eyes, golden flecks scattered within her irises. They meet his deep cinnamon ones, a spark reflected between the two of them. A spark only the heavens could have seen.

"Are you okay?"

Once Jimin speaks, in a soft hushed tone, the woman breaks out of her reverie. Her eyes well up in unspoken terror, and she starts to shake even more violently at the sight of someone next to her comforting her.

Why is it when we are at our most vulnerable, we find ourselves breaking when there is someone there to hold us?

Noticing her shivers, he removes his jacket and places it across her shoulders, trying desperately not to falter at the sight of panic in her eyes.

"It's okay, I'm here."

"Yes, I know I'm late but I'll be there soon."

Needless to say, Jimin finally figured out how to answer his phone.

He paces a few feet away from where he left the shivering woman, his heart clenching and unclenching in distress. When did it become such a chore to talk to her? When did he start regretting every moment spent with her?

Half listening to the pressed voice on the other line, he glances at the woman who pulls his coat tighter around her body, her face pale and eyes darting around in frantic panic. At the sight, his heart tightens in pain and he struggles to shove down his guilt.

It doesn't help matters when he hears the words on the other side of the line.

"What?"

As though he were stuck in a lucid dream he tries not to let the disappointment eat at him. It's not a big deal that she ate without him, after all, he was running quite late...

Why does it bother him so much?

Why does the thought make him feel alone?

Oh, I don't know Jimin, maybe it's the fact that she used you.

Again.

Your money, your love, your dedication, your time.

It was all a waste after all.

"No, it's fine. We'll see each other another time."

Jimin clenches his jaw at the sound of a male voice addressing her on the other line. Suspiciously close, dangerously close. Jimin doesn't bother asking who it is. He already knows the real reason. Taking a deep breath, he tries his hardest not to give in to the tears.

God, you're pathetic aren't you?

"Okay. I have to go now, but I'll see you soon."

No, you won't.

"I lo--"

The line cuts off before he can finish his sentence, and Jimin would be lying if he said he wasn't surprised. He holds the phone up for another moment as though waiting for a phantom to whisper the words he so longs to hear. Biting his bottom lip when it's clear they won't come, he pockets his phone and turns back to the woman on the bench.

Would she treat him the same?

If she were in this situation, what would she do?

Jimin knows these are desperate, ridiculous questions to ponder, but he can't help himself. He's too lost, too broken to wonder anything else. Snapping himself out of his thoughts, he walks towards her, settling onto the bench seat beside her. He knows she overheard the conversation, he knows that every time he looked at her she glanced away as though being caught in a trap.

At this moment, however, he finds it very hard to care.

"Was that my fault?"

At the question, Jimin smiles almost bitterly.

"No, it was mine." He leans his head back, sighing as he stares at the dark sky. "I should've expected it."

At the nearly dejected statement, the woman can't help but look at him with concern. She recognizes the look in his eyes. The dark swirling pit of nothing. She's seen it reflected in her own. She hesitates before speaking once more.

"If you need somewhere to be, I'll be fine." Jimin looks her way incredulously, at the glance, she smiles nervously finding it hard to meet his eyes. "I can wait for a bus on my own--"

When she glances back his way, she doesn't expect him to be so close.

His face nearly inches away from hers, she could almost swear that her heart stopped for a fraction of a second from the shock. It's not a normal occurrence to have a nearly perfect man inches away from you.

But then again, what part of this situation is normal in her eyes anyway?

Oh God, all I wanted was to get some groceries.

Jimin stares at her with an unreadable gaze, his piercing eyes staring deep into hers. Perhaps it's an attempt to see into her soul, to find some part of her character reflected within him. There has to be a reason she looks so familiar, some form of explanation for why he feels as though he's known her all his life.

Why is it so comfortable to be around her?

"What is your name?"

The woman looks up at him with wide eyes, the iridescent green nearly blinding Jimin of all reason.

"Jocelynn."

Sliding his hand on the back of the bench as he leans closer to her, she avoids his eyes. Inwardly she prays that he doesn't hear her heartbeat increasing every second he is close to her.

"Jocelynn." At the sound of her name on his tongue, her stomach turns in on itself. Looking back at him she is surprised to find that his gaze has never strayed from hers. "You know that when it's this late, it's not smart to be on your own right?"

His voice is deep and husky, drawn to a near whisper that is hardly distinctive but manages to move every possible emotion present in her heart. Raising an eyebrow, Jocelynn tilts her head slightly.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You were alone."

If she expected him to be flustered, she couldn't have been more wrong. Instead, his eyes darken once more and he smiles half to himself.

"Maybe I don't want to be alone."

Another second, maybe Jimin would have leaned further. Another second and maybe he would have placed his lips on hers. Another second and perhaps he would have been able to forget just how empty he was, as long as he was holding another in his arms.

But when he sees the sad conjecture hidden within her eyes, he can't bring himself to use her in that way. For some unknown reason, he finds that he can't hurt her even if it means he'll feel whole.

Coming to his senses, he pulls away. The same space that was between them a few moments ago, opening once more. He leans forward resting his arms on his legs, his hands clenched tightly together, his heart playing games with his mind.

She's just a stranger, someone he met by some strange coincidence of the skies.

And yet, he can't bear to see that look in her eyes.

"You never told me your name."

Jimin turns to Jocelynn, raising an eyebrow incredulously.

"You don't know me?" he murmurs, obviously surprised, and probably wondering if she's lying. Jocelynn in turn rolls her eyes at the assumption that anyone would be oblivious to who he was, and Jimin can't help but feel amused.

"So what if I do? It's polite to introduce yourself to strangers you nearly run over." Jocelynn responds, her eyes glinting mischievously and Jimin can't help it.

He laughs.

Jocelynn smiles at the sight, almost proud that she was able to leech that out of him. After a moment, Jimin turns to her and extends his hand her way.

"My name is Jimin." When she doesn’t take it right away, he raises his eyebrow at her. In turn, she rolls her eyes before intertwining her hand with his and shaking it. Jimin can't help but think that her hand is soft, comforting, almost made to fit with his. Inwardly, he chastises himself for thinking that way.

When will he remember that fate and destiny don't exist?

Hasn't he been taught that enough?

"It's nice to meet you Jimin."

When she says his name, it's almost as though some invisible bind around his heart has been released. He's able to breathe for the first time, he's able to forget everything he's been harboring deep inside. Almost as though a simple utterance of his name on her tongue has set him free.

"I'm sorry I ruined your date." Jocelynn apologizes before pulling away, and Jimin considers scrambling to hold her hand tightly within his own. In order to refrain himself, he scratches the back of his neck as he shakes his head.

"It's not your fault, don't worry." He reassures her, and she bows her head, smiling to herself. Sighing, Jimin looks back up at the stars, finding it fascinating the way they can shine so bright from so far away. "If I'm being honest it was probably ruined before I met you."

"Do you mind saying why?" At the thought of showing her that vulnerable side of himself, he can feel the darkness start to taint the inner corners of his heart.

Why is it so frightening to reveal one's weakness?

Smiling almost bitterly, he avoids her eyes as he answers her.

"Have you ever had a relationship where you know you're being used, but you stay in it because you're afraid of being alone?"

Jocelynn flinches at the description, being reminded of a time way back where she had exactly that. Painful memories she had thought she had since buried ever since he was removed from her life. Moments she thought she had left behind the moment she promised she would move on.

"That's my relationship." Jimin continues, Jocelynn listening quietly beside him. "I mean it started nice enough. The usual honeymoon phase. She was sweet and funny. To top it off she was just drop-dead gorgeous, I thought I hit the gold mine. The luckiest guy in the world."

Though he doesn't look her way and she doesn't make a move to comfort him, somehow her presence beside him makes things easier for him. He doesn't feel as though someone is violating his memories, he doesn't feel as though she were a stranger. On the contrary, he feels as though this were a normal thing, as though he had been confiding in her all his life.

"Until I saw that she was only happy when she was taking from me. She used me for money, sex, love..."

It was all a lie.

Even now, Jimin can't bear to utter the words, instead they hang over his head. Unspoken but the reality hitting him like a grenade.

"Yeah, she was sweet all right. Like poison."

He laughs bitterly, shaking his head at himself. He never knew self-deprecation could hurt this much. Slowly building up each day until he threatens to break.

"I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I don't even know you."

It's strange, he can't even confide in his friends. He doesn't even feel as though he's able to talk to Tae like he used to, why is it so easy for him to talk to Jocelynn? A person whom he met on a chance encounter, someone whom he didn't even know the name of until just a couple of seconds ago. They are little more than strangers, so how is this so easy?

At the question, Jocelynn smiles to herself, remembering something she had heard once before. From a mere child, and yet it was a child who was the first person to teach her she was never truly alone.

"Sometimes it's easier to talk to those you don't know. They don't have room to judge, they don't know what you did wrong or where you messed up. You may never see them again, so what harm is there in talking to them? That way you don't have to deal with the baggage following you around."

Jimin looks at her with surprise and finds that her gaze is far away. Those green eyes that are so calm and serene are now filled with unspoken tears and sparkling gems of pain.

"I'm not going to say some crappy thing like 'why don't you just leave' or 'she's toxic just drop her' because I know how hard that really is." She takes a deep breath to steady her nerves before continuing. "However, I know what it's like to be used and endure pain because you don't want to be alone. So I will say something to help you make up your mind."

When she meets his delicate tawny eyes with her tender green ones, he finds himself struck speechless. She looks at him almost as though she were afraid he'd break. As though he needed a shield to protect him at all costs and she would be willing to be that shield.

Since when was it Jimin who needed protecting?

"You deserve better."

"What?"

Jimin seems shocked, almost baffled at the notion. Jocelynn smiles almost bitterly to herself. Is that what she looked like when she was told the same thing? Was it so hard to believe that someone like her could deserve to be happy?

"No matter what you may tell yourself, you deserve love. You deserve to be loved. No matter what you think you may have done or how scared you are of being alone, you deserve to have someone reciprocate the love you give to them." Jocelynn holds her hands tightly together as she speaks, an attempt to refrain herself from reaching over and taking his within hers. Though she longs to give him some sort of comfort, she has to keep her distance. "From the way you're describing it...this relationship doesn't sound like it's love."

The silence that blossoms between them is one not easily broken. It's a silence filled with unspoken emotions, late realizations, and hard-won ignorance crumbling. When Jimin looks at her, he admires the way her face shines in the moonlight, her hair that tumbles down around her shoulders, the way she exuberates calm serenity that never thought he'd find.

Almost as if she were an angel sent for him.

When the bus pulls up in front of the two of them, Jimin finds that he doesn't want her to be a stranger. He doesn't want her to leave. He wants her to be around him, he wants her to know his burden. And above all...

He doesn't want to hide anymore.

"Just...think about it okay?" Jocelynn stands, sliding the jacket Jimin gave her not but a few moments ago off her shoulders and offering it up to him. "Here."

He sits there for a stunned moment, staring up at her and the jacket. Within his mind, he makes a quick decision, one that he sincerely hopes he doesn't regret.

Standing, he pushes the coat back to her and smiles.

"Keep it." He murmurs as her emerald eyes widen, a soft rosy hue threatening to erupt on her cheeks. Smiling to herself, she nods, holding the jacket close to her chest, before stepping back toward the bus.

"Thank you." She whispers back, turning on her heel and boarding the bus.

Leaving Jimin alone.

As the doors close, and the familiar hiss exuberates from the vehicle as it pulls away, Jimin stands there. He watches Jocelynn walk down the aisle, before settling into a seat beside a window. She presses her cheek against the cool glass before turning back to the jacket she holds in her hands. Jimin sees as she smiles to herself before holding it close to her heart, her face buried deep within the fabric.

He doesn't notice the grin on his face as he witnesses the pink blush on her cheeks, and the wide smile on her face as she pulls away. Her eyes sparkle with a joy he's only seen on TV screens, and in the back of his mind, he wonders if it's possible to keep that smile to himself. He wonders if she'd be willing to stay by him forever.

Then the bus is gone, she's gone, and he's left in the dust of forgotten memories and broken tears.

"No..." He murmurs, a smile playing at the memory of her green eyes.

"Thank you."

note: NEW CHARACTER ALERT!!! This character has a lot of background to do with Yen, which will be revealed later. I really like this chapter and enjoyed writing in a different POV for different characters. I think this is a nice view into Jimin's side of the story and hopefully we can expand on it soon. Anyways! Thank you for reading and I hope you've enjoyed!

chapter 35 here

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angellesword · 3 years

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SAVE ME | KTH (14)

Summary: You were determined to kill yourself, but what would happen when instead of ending your life, you ended up summoning the devil of death?

Alternatively:

The Devil: I’m here to ruin you, I’m here to save you.

Genre: Demon au, e2l, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Devil!Taehyung x Doctor!Reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: stabbing (this is the last time promise) kissing, oral sex (m. receiving.)

Note: Guys if you can, please listen to Samson by Regina Spektor while reading this update.

SERIES: CHAPTER 13 | FINAL CHAPTER (15)

"No. It's not enough."

His response was like a broken record, it kept playing inside your head.

It was too much—too painful.

You had to leave now. You had to leave before your tears started to fall.

It was too late.

Hot tears cascaded down your face as you pushed him away, refusing to be caged any longer.

You didn't know if he saw you cry.

Maybe he did.

Maybe that's the reason why he tried to stop you from leaving.

"It will never be enough." He paused for a second just to swallow thickly, "because kissing you isn't greed in the first place."

It worked.

You halted your steps, slowly turning to face him.

When you looked at him a few breaths ago, you felt like you were being burnt.

You even turned into ashes.

However, that feeling changed when he brought out his phone. He was talking to his virtual assistant while looking directly at you.

"Hey PD-nim," he started.

You and Taehyung were only five feet away from each other.

"What does it mean when someone is always in your thoughts? When you're sad when she's sad? When you have this...strong desire to touch her—no." He shook his head as if the last thing he uttered was completely wrong.

"I mean...it's fine if I can't always hug her or hold her hand. I guess I just want to be near her...to feel the comfort and warmth she's emitting,"

Taehyung chuckled lightly. His smile was big, eyes crinkling.

"I also want to stay alive," his eyes suddenly darkened, causing your heart to sink.

"It's not because I want to save myself..."

You felt like you couldn't breathe as you waited for the next words he's about to say.

"But because I want to protect her."

Again, you turned into ashes—

"I'm one hundred percent sure that feeling is called love," the virtual assistant answered.

—but like a phoenix, you rose again.

"You are in love with her."

Taehyung wasted no time when he heard PD-nim's response.

He closed the gap between you two. The fire in his eyes was scorching, it was the only thing that could melt your cold, cold heart.

"Our first kiss doesn't mean greed," Taehyung cupped both of your cheeks.

He was done pretending. He was done trying to be logical.

It was time to admit the truth.

"It means love."

When he said this, you felt like the missing piece of the puzzle was finally found, completing the gap in your heart.

Everything made sense now.

Taehyung still needed to tempt people because he didn't satisfy his capital vice in the first place.

Greed was a sin.

Loving you was redemption.

Unfortunately, he couldn't be saved by the love he felt for you.

Love was a good thing and Taehyung was evil.

His sole purpose in this world was to spread hatred and bitter meanings.

He wouldn't survive by doing good deeds.

"Y-You know..." Of course you would stutter just as when you thought you could finally voice out what you felt.

Regardless of this, you still tried to speak.

"I was hesitating to tell you how I feel about you." You weren't lying.

When you realized what Taehyung had done to the girl at the flower shop, you thought that maybe you made a mistake.

Perhaps you didn't have feelings for him. Maybe you were just caught up with how perfect his mouth felt when it was crashing against yours, or maybe, just maybe, you were deceived by him again.

You were in denial.

You knew you weren't perfect. You had hurt so many people before—even now.

But it was all unintentional.

Taehyung was the only one who hurt people deliberately.

You hated this about him.

But as said, his confession changed your mindset.

Some people were forced to do things they didn't want to do because they needed to survive.

You knew this all along; however, you didn't fully understand it.

The missing puzzle you were talking about was what made you understand.

Some people were forced to do things they didn't want to do because they needed to survive, and that's okay. We just have to find grace with our decision.

"But you made it so easy, you know?" You weren't stuttering anymore. You even found the courage to also caress his cheeks.

Taehyung closed his eyes, relishing your soft touch.

"How can I deny my own feelings when the one who isn't supposed to feel anything sincerely admitted what he feels for me?"

Taehyung pouted his lips.

"I've been in this world since the beginning of time, love." He was saying that he saw how things started and ended.

He knew that the main reason why people were miserable was because they refused to accept things as they were.

They lied, always underestimating or overestimating things.

Taehyung didn't want to repeat the mistakes of people. He rather named his emotions than lose you for not doing it when he had the chance.

"I asked this device—" he raised his phone in the air "—to tell you how I feel because I thought you won't believe a devil like me."

You nodded in understanding. You were blinded by anger just a short while ago.

You really believed that he wanted to hurt people for fun.

"But I do, okay? I do love you and it scares me."

You could see in his eyes that he was truly frightened.

You bit your lip, allowing him to explain further.

"I'm not scared of loving you even if it's new to me. What frightens me is your reaction. I-I have no idea if you're going to accept me..."

It hurt when he looked away from you.

"Tae, listen to me..." You gently grabbed his chin, urging him to look at you.

"We're both scared. As in hella terrified." You laughed as you told him that Ji-hyo was actually the one who convinced you to talk to him.

Your best friend claimed that running away wouldn't do you any good, but for you, running away from your problem was easier. You could play thousands of scenarios inside your head, wondering what could have been if you only confronted him.

Facing your problem was the complete opposite of this. When you confronted him, there would only be one answer.

The answer was final. It couldn't be twisted. You wouldn't be allowed to imagine scenarios in your head because you already knew the right answer.

You wouldn't be able to escape it even if you wanted to. At least with the thousand scenarios, you could still change it if it turned out that you didn't like how it was playing inside your fucked up head.

But you were glad.

You were glad that you decided to face your dilemma.

You were glad that you were now nodding your head as Taehyung asked if he could kiss you.

"You don't have to ask, silly." You grabbed his face, initiating the kiss.

Taehyung giggled in between the intimate act.

He liked this feeling better. He liked kissing you in this narrow alley. He liked kissing you now that he was free.

The only thing he didn't like was when the counter pager inside your pocket buzzed, indicating that the dumplings you ordered were now ready to be picked up.

"Damn," Taehyung's nose wrinkled right after you pulled away from the kiss. "I wanna keep kissing you."

He was acting like a child, making you laugh.

"You can kiss me later." You winked at him as you pulled him towards the dumpling store.

You and Taehyung ended up eating one dozens of mandu while watching some boring netflix show.

You called it boring since you weren't really paying attention. Your mind (and heart) were busy fooling around with Taehyung.

"You feel so good," Taehyung grunted, eyes darkening as he watched you suck him off.

You were kneeling between his legs, looking so sexy and small. He swore his hard cock was bigger than your face.

You enjoyed rubbing it on your cheek before wrapping your tiny hands around his shaft.

You gave him a few pumps before taking him in your sweet, sweet mouth.

Taehyung kept his hands at the back of his head, allowing you to take control.

This was already so difficult for him. Touching you would only drive him crazy.

Joke's on him because he was already crazy. God. You were amazing. His stomach was contracting when you pressed the flat of your tongue over his tip, gathering his precum until it stained your mouth.

You sank your mouth down his full length, not stopping until your forehead hit his pelvis.

Taehyung's head fell back against the couch. You wanted to focus on his pretty face, but the tears in your eyes made it hard.

"Ah,"

Your pretty moans were what pushed him over the edge. He exploded in your mouth without a warning.

"You're lucky I can swallow," you chortled, attempting to wipe the remnant of his load on the corner of your mouth.

Taehyung grabbed your face lightly, stopping you from doing so.

He leaned closer to kiss you, tasting himself as he whispered "Wanna make you feel good too..."

Taehyung scooped you up, making you sit on his lap.

"Please," he kissed the base of your throat while you grind on his cock.

You shook your head.

"This all about you, Tae..." Your words were in contrast to what you really felt. Taehyung could feel how wet you were through your soaked underwear.

You wanted this. You wanted him so much. This wasn't about you. He was the one who deserved to feel good. He had been through a lot.

"Trust me, baby. I'm on cloud nine right now," the corner of his mouth quirked up before sucking bruises on your neck.

"R-Really," you whimpered, running your hands through his soft locks. "Is that why I'm on cloud nine too?"

You remembered your conversation with him from almost a year ago. His life was connected to yours and vice versa. You couldn't breathe when he was mad, and now that the pleasure was overwhelming him, you felt really good as well.

What he felt, you felt too. Taehyung froze upon remembering this.

"What's the matter?" The lust consuming you instantly boiled down to confusion.

Why did the devil look like something epic just hit him right in the face?

"I meant this in the sweetest way possible," Taehyung touched your back.

The scissors tattooed on your shoulder blade materialized in front of him. He was spent. He couldn't use his power after this anymore.

Taehyung was holding the black scissors now.

"Can you please stab yourself?"

The normal reaction should be to freak out—to get mad. However things were different today.

You understood what he meant.

He was testing a theory.

And so you participated.

Heaving a deep sigh, you stabbed your palm using the scissors.

You yelped in pain.

Taehyung held you, kissing your forehead.

It hurt. It hurt a lot.

But you didn't know what hurt the most.

Was it your injured hand? Or was it the fact that Taehyung's palm wasn't bleeding like yours?

It only meant one thing.

"Our lives aren't connected anymore." He confirmed what you already knew.

You were aware that you should be rejoicing. You were finally free. He was finally free.

"I can go back to hell now..."

There was no reason for him to stay here. He simply went to the world of the living to protect you and to tempt people. Doing the latter only took a short period of time.

Taehyung always went back to hell right after corrupting the minds of humans.

In hell, he was safe.

If he was there, he wouldn't have to tempt innocent people just to survive. Hell was his home, it was where his powers became stronger.

"Yeah," your response was too late.

Silence was engulfing you for quite some time now. You were in a state of shock when he said that he could go back to hell any moment from now.

He had no reason to be with you.

"I have all the reason to be with you," but Taehyung believed otherwise.

He didn't want to leave you alone. He just admitted he loved you. He couldn't love you and then decided to leave you.

"Don't be silly, Tae." You buried your face in his chest so that he couldn't see the tears forming in your eyes.

"You have to go. You served your purpose already. You save me,"

You were no longer suicidal. You felt a lot better now. His presence helped you a lot. He made you realize so many things.

"The best thing to do is to leave me."

"But it's not the right thing to do..." His jaw tensed as he embraced you.

"I don't want you to die, Tae." You hugged him back. "I can't let my selfishness become your downfall."

You are my sweetest downfall. He wanted to say, but he kept his mouth shut.

He didn't want to die too.

Dying meant he wouldn't be able to see you again.

He had to save himself so that he could continue to love you.

Taehyung loved you.

He kissed you once more just to show it to you.

You kissed him back to imply that you also loved him.

The kiss wasn't like the first time. It wasn't the same as the second kiss too.

This time, the kiss felt more intimate, hungrier, hotter...

He kissed you like it was the last time he would be allowed to do so.

"I love you, Taehyung..." You cooed, wrapping your legs around his waist.

He didn't respond. He only kissed you deeper.

He brought you to his bedroom.

You let your bodies talk. The tension and the frustration were released through kissing your complexion.

Taehyung made love to you to make up with the time you lost and the time you would be losing.

He had accepted his fate.

"How does it feel to be there?" You asked as he collapsed beside you.

"In hell?" Taehyung moved closer to you, embracing your naked body.

You nodded.

He was silent for a while, like he found it hard to answer your question.

Moments later, he finally spoke.

"It feels like everything is..." He stared at the white ceiling of the room, "dead."

It was your turn to keep your lips sealed.

Your heart was aching, luckily Taehyung knew the right words to make you feel better.

"But here, I feel alive..."

It was reassuring to think that you were one of the reasons why he felt happy to be here.

But here, I feel alive... you kept repeating these words inside your head until you fell asleep.

You liked to think that you had a good sleep.

But you wished you didn't sleep because when you woke up, he wasn't by your side anymore.

#taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #demon taehyung #devil taehyung #taehyung demon au #taehyung devil au #taehyung roommate #taehyung roommate au #taehyung fantasy au #taehyung fantasy #taehyung x yn #taehyung x you #taehyung x oc #taehyung x reader #ficswithluv #taehyung enemies to lovers #taehyung e2l

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devoursjohnlock · 2 years

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"Hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone you don't like". Ain't that the truth!

#I swear I am going to post an answer to this ask tonight

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jaeminscoffee · 4 years

Text

Nemesis (m.)

Nemesis- a formidable rival or opponent.

Pairing- Seo Johnny x reader

Genre- Smut.

Word count- 3.68k (these just keep getting longer)

Warnings- rough sex (is it a Lyra smut if this isn't included), edging, thigh riding, oral (m receiving), size kink, masochism, unprotected sex, begging, Johnny is cocky af. Could be more but i have no clue pfft.

Summary- From your local club, you find yourself in Johnny's bed

You hated Johnny. No, let's rephrase that.

You hated Johnny's guts. Having him around always made you the second spotlight of the performance. Doesn't matter where, wherever Johnny goes, people swoon over him like a bunch of wasps. Granted, He's got everything a girl could ask for. Looks, attitude, sweet talks, money, body, you name it.

You had them all too, but Johnny's popularity made you the centre of attention, that is, after him.

You would've been fine with that if it weren't for his tauntings. He's inevitable. He's everywhere you go.

You, till date don't know what the universe has against you, but the pair of you got accepted into the same university, the same company, even the same branch. There too, you're the second, Johnny's the ace.

So having had to hear 'Johnny this' 'Johnny that' 'oh look Johnny's this' had you fuming by the weekend. And here, you've found yourself in the club, two of your girlfriends beside you, trying to calm your about to erupt veins.

You felt a little free here, maybe even conceited. No Johnny, you had the spotlight. Oh and you knew it. You'd specially picked out your best club outfit, low cut v-neck, the black fabric barely reaching down your ass, tight fitting, highlighting all of your best features.

Eyes followed every single move of your body as you vibe on the dance floor, letting loose of all previous tension. With your friends beside you, rooting for you, it was perfect.

It was only after you'd worn yourselves out, you walk towards the bar, each sitting on one of the bar stools, ordering a drink, you hear your friend's fangirl over some guy or girl, could be any them. You down shots after shots, not paying attention to your surroundings feeling way better than you'd felt the entire week.

"Yo, he just winked in our direction" Stella said from beside you, continuously hitting your arm as you slightly shove her to the side, "One of us is gonna get some action today and i hope it's Y/n" Lola exclaimed, wriggling her eyebrows at you.

You give her disgusted glare, chuckling as she kept going with her eyebrows.

"Eesh" you rasp out, feeling the alcohol start to burn your throat. "Why would you even want that" you inquire, Lola turned towards you dramatically, placing her hand on your shoulder, "Because, you look like a sad hot mess, darling. That can't do" she stated, "Agreed" Stella remarked, eyes still undressing the guy she previously mentioned, maybe even the other guys in the room.

"What? No? I look fine?" you say, more like questioning yourself. "you look fine as fuck and sad. So stop wasting yourself here and go get some" Lola retorted, patting your back and then mixing herself up with the crowd.

"Yeah you see Y/n? I think this guy's absolutely perfect for you" Stella said, once the both of you stood up to go up to the dance floor again. "Which one?" you ask, eyeing the entire place quick, not actually caring.

She smiled sweetly at you, turning you around, and pushing you with all the force she could muster up.

"What the fuck-" you exclaim, feeling your body collide with someone. "-That one, babe, have fun!" she said in a singsong voice, joining Lola.

"I'm sorry-" you look up to the body you just crashed with, feeling yourself turn solid from spite. Why does he appear every fucking where?

"Johnny." you sneered, pulling yourself out of his grip, dusting invisible lint from your dress. The lad in front of you did nothing but smirk, taking your hand in his and bringing it up to his lips, placing a soft kiss there, taking you off guard. "Y/n." he responded.

As much as you hated him, you felt yourself drowning in his honey eyes, the party lights in the club making him look ethereal, pulling you out of your facade for a second, before you step out of it, glaring at him again. "Here alone?" he inquired.

"None of your business" you said, comically as he'd have clearly seen you with two other girls.

"I see, What got you here?" he further asked.

"None of your fucking business." you hiss. Johnny let out an airy chuckle, "Aren't you in a bad mood" he asked. "Does that have anything to do with you" you ask through gritted teeth.

"Practically, no. But I need to make sure if my runners-up is doing fine or not" he said, double tapping your cheeks with his palm. You felt the coldness you previously had melt down, replacing it with nothing more than pure hatred and annoyance.

"Fuck you, Seo." you reply in a tight voice. "Oh, she's getting annoyed, isn't she?" he said, voice teasing clearly trying to get up your nerves.

"No." you retort, turning back wanting nothing but to leave the room in order to not breathe the same air as Johnny. "Really, doll?" Johnny asked, bending down to look at you straight in the eye. It felt intriguing, you were drawn to his gaze, trying to break out but to no avail. You look away, clearing your throat, looking back at him. "Yes." you say. Johnny walked closer, "Say.. Does my presence annoy you?" he inquired, obviously knowing the answer, "Yes.." You said, lowly due to the proximity.

"Then why aren't you walking away?" he asked, you let out a sigh, knowing even if you want to walk away, your friends won't take that well. "Because I can't," you reply, gesturing at your two friends standing still, watching your exchange of words. He looked at them, then back at you with a smirk on his face.

"I see. That's good. Because I've been dying to tell you this one thing" he moved closer, pushing your hair back, pulling you close by the waist, leaning into your ears,

"I've got this strong urge to rip that dress and fuck your attitude out of you."

-x-

That's how after a 10 minute ride, you find yourself, flat against Johnny's wall, hands on either side of your face as the lad didn't fail to explore even one corner of your mouth.

Maybe it was the alcohol in your system, he looked extremely appealing. That sentence he'd spoken had gotten you all weak in the knees, palms flat against his chest, as you immediately pressed your lips against his at the club.

This was another thing you hated about him. He's just so fucking fine not even incubus or other sex gods could say no to anything he says.

You try breaking away from his grip on your hands, wanting desperately to touch him, feel him.

"Stop squirming." he said sternly, breaking the intense kiss having a string of saliva connect the lips still. His eyes roaming all over your body, technically eye fucking you.

"Then let me fucking go" you roared, chest heaving from the previous make out, breathing in the air containing his manly musk. Johnny's head made his way towards the side of your face, nuzzling on the flesh before retorting to your earlobe, nibbling on it, you hear him hum. "Hm, why should i do that, doll?" his voice deep.

"Do you need a fucking reason to let me go?" you ask, rubbing your thighs together, his height making you feel extremely small, turning you on incredibly.

"If you want the dick better watch your attitude baby, i don't like brats." he replied, biting down on the skin of your neck, making you hiss slightly.

"Does it seem like i care-ah!" you yelp, feeling yourself get lifted off the floor, you look at him.

"Behave." he said slow, having the freedom of moving your hands now you immediately pulled his head closer to yours, locking his lips with yours, biting down on his bottom lips.

He broke away first. Looking at you with nothing but shock and lust.

"I get what i want, Seo. You don't tell me to behave" you remark, a smirk evident on your face. You hear him let out a chuckle as you felt yourself being thrown down onto the bed. "Not with me baby, you behave, you get what you want. Act like a fucking brat i won't hesitate to put you in your place." his eyes had gone dark, voice dangerously low.

Johnny made his way towards the bed, shirt already disposed along with his black denim jacket, he eyed your spread our body, admiring each and every curve as you gawk at his toned middle, chest chiselled adding onto why Johnny Seo is oh so perfect. The anger you felt, turning into pure lust, desire of wanting nothing more than for him to ruin you.

"Behave you say, well you're in for a long ride, Seo. I don't like behaving" you taunt, sending a wink in his direction, moving back the bed as he crawled forward towards you.

His demeanor was intimidating as he stared down at you with his cold eyes catching your ankle stopping you from crawling further up.

"I shouldn't even give you anything with that attitude of yours, baby." he said, pulling his body over yours, placing hands on either sides of your face, weighing his body down in order to not crush your bones.

"You're saying that cause you know you can't satisfy my needs. Poor baby boy," you feign empathy, running the back of your fingers down his face slowly, feeling his jaws clench.

With one pull, he had himself seated towards the edge of the bed, with you on the floor in front of him, seated between his legs, looking down at the floor as you try calming yourself from the sudden movement.

You felt hands grip your hair, pulling it back, forcing you to look up into his eyes. They were now void of any emotion. It scared you the slightest, but you didn't show it.

"When i said behave. You should've fucking listened, brat." he said, voice dripping venom, making your clench your thighs together, the feeling of vulnerability and how small you felt, made you needier than intended.

His grip on your hair wasn't soft, your roots felt like they'd detach any second, but you enjoyed every second of the pain.

You open your mouth to make another cocky retort, when the force of the tug intensified. "Better shut your little mouth and put it for another use." he said, pulling you in closer, his pants discarded behind you as the red angry shaft his toned stomach, the red tip dripping precum making your mouth water, the knot in your lower abdomen tightening.

He looked at you with a demanding look, eyes narrowed as you look up at him, eyes basically begging.

"Suck." is all it took, and you pounce at his member, earning a throaty groan from Johnny. You start at the tip, licking the slit, clearing of all the white substance there, then slowly wrapping your lips around the head, sucking in gently, wanting to tease him as much as possible.

Johnny rested both his hands on your head, pulling the hair back in a makeshift ponytail, trying to push your head further down.

"Stop teasing or you'll j-just make it worse for yourse-fuck.." he couldn't complete his sentence as you lower down completely, almost till the base, before pulling away feeling the head hit the back of your throat, activating your gag reflex.

Not letting you pull away fully, he pushed you back down, mouth open ajar, hitting your throat again, resulting in tears forming in your eyes.

You bop your head up and down, "That's right baby, uh-" he inhaled sharply as you hollow your cheeks, sucking in too hard.

You kept moving your head up and down, Johnny setting the pace with his hands still on your hair. You feel your jaws starting to hurt, neck starting to cramp a bit so you move your head faster, desperate to get him to his orgasm. But he had other plans.

You reach out between his thighs, still sucking and licking on the shaft, hands palming his palms, causing him to jerk his hips forward.

"Fuck Y/n stop" he tapped your cheeks as he felt his high approaching, but you didn't stop, rather you started bopping your heas faster, with more aggression.

"Ah! s-stop" he said, growing sensitive having his orgasm just by the doorstep.

Seconds before reaching his high, he tore you away from his dick with a sharp pull, causing you to hiss in pain, and whine in desperation of wanting to taste him.

You sat there still, wiping your mouth as drool had managed to escape amidst the blowjob while Johnny sat by the bed, looking at the floor trying to catch his breath.

Once calm and normal, he looked up at you, eyes burning with anger and lust.

He got up from the bed, while you stayed seated on the floor, making his way towards you with slow, agonizing steps.

"When i say stop.." he took a step forward, the anger in his eyes scaring you completely, making you crawl back.

"You stop." he took another step forward, you moving backwards.

"Then tell me. Why didn't you." he bellowed.

You stop your chest from heaving that fast, as he keeps moving forward, you soon find your back hit the wall, nowhere else to escape.

"Because i didn't want to" you rasp out.

Johnny took one large step forward, bending down, wrapping his fingers around your throat, standing up, pulling you by your neck, causing you to stand up along with him.

"You are such a fucking brat.." he rasped out through grit teeth, jaw tense.

He tightened the grip, moving closer as his figure towered yours, "You look so small, yet you have that attitude. Fucking respectable" he roared pulling you along and throwing you onto the bed the second time. You let out the breath you didn't know you holding in, eyes shut tight, opening once you regained the oxygen he'd cut off a few seconds away.

Johnny moved up to you, pulling your body towards the edge, ripping your dress off your body, the material of your panties being ripped into two too, as you moan silently at his sudden aggression.

"You're so fucking wet, just like a good little slut. But nope she has to have a fucking attitude" he said, shoving two fingers straight into your core without a warning, causing you to scream. Your juices splattered around from the movement of his fingers, squelching noises produced by how wet you are as Johnny showed no signs in slowing down.

"John oh!" you moan out.

His fingers were knuckle deep inside you, curling and pumping in again, brushing the soft spot. You jerk forward, hips moving along his fingers as he pressed the pad of his thumb onto your clit, driving you closer towards the edge. "Mm fuck.. " your voice small, feeling yourself clench around his fingers at the thought of being completely in his mercy. And oh is he merciless.

"Oh? You seem close, right, pretty doll?" he questioned. You were unable to answer as his fingers moved faster and faster, not able to form a comprehend able sentence only letting out lewd noises.

His free hand came flat down on your clit, causing you to jerk forward, "Fucking answer me." he resumed playing with your clit. Your knuckles turned white from how hard you were gripping the sheets. "y-yes, i..oh fuck.. I am!" your face contort out of pleasure, feeling the orgasm just two steps away, immediately fading away as Johnny removed his fingers from in you.

"Come on!" you cry out, feeling your high go further and further away.

"Hm? What happened baby?" he said, face portraying fake sympathy.

"Johnny, I was so close!" you let out a sob, unknown to the fact that tears had started falling. You hear him let out laugh, "Yeah you made that clear, didn't know your pussy that strong" he replied, removing the last piece of clothing article from your body, both of your bodies covered in sweat, glistening the light reflecting from the window.

"Johnny.. Please" you desperately try voicing out, wanting nothing more than a release. "oh she can beg! Pleasant surprise" he marveled. "Say, will you behave?" he asked, eyes narrowed looking at you as you let out a chain of sobs.

"No if you can't make me fucking cum-" you scream out before being able to complete the sentence, his fingers shoved back into you.

You were sensitive, shitless, your walls hurt and your orgasm denial was still fresh. "So being treated as a slut it is." he grunted, moving his fingers in an inhumanly pace, his other hand over your waist, holding you down flat onto the sheets as you grip that hand in a tight hold.

"Oh fuck.." your breathing fastened, feeling the previous orgasm come back to life.

"you look so fucking good, so small, so desperate for me" Johnny added pressure back onto your clit, rubbing fast circles.

"Ah!" you yelp when you feel him add a third fingering, curling and twisting inside of you, as you feel yourself reaching your high. You let a cry, orgasm almost there, but one last shove and he removed his finger, leaving your core desperate and pulsating.

"Johnny please!" you cry out louder, tears pouring down your cheeks faster as you grip onto his hands. He looked at you with a smirk on his face.

"Want to cum?" he asked, shoving his fingers into his mouth, licking your juices off of it.

"Yes! Oh yes please!" you reply, nodding your head frantically.

Johnny acted as though he was thinking for a while, "Well.." he started.

"You gotta work for it babe" he placed a kiss on the inside of your thigh. "So. Be a good little girl and beg for my dick." he said, seeing you all fucked up, hair all over the place, lipstick smudge, tears running down your face and so small, vulnerable yet you looked gorgeous.

Now you see, all the rationality you'd previously had was all thrown out the window. You wanted the release. You needed that release.

"Please, please fuck me Johnny, i promise I'll be a good girl! Just.. Please put your dick inside me, I swear I feel good!" you cry out, spreading your legs further open, as he sees your core glistening. Johnny let out a low growl, wasting not a second, holding you by your hip as you aligned himself by your entrance, the tip poking in.

He looked at you, seeing you stare back at him, and kept his eyes on you as he pushed in all the way, watching your face contort out of pleasure and maybe the slightest mix of pain.

"You're fucking right, princess-" he started, pulling his member out completely, before shoving it in, you scream, extremely sensitive but nothing you couldn't take.

"You feel extremely good. So fucking tight" his pace was fast, hips steady, no signs of it going sloppy anytime soon. Your orgasm was fast approaching, the build up begging you for it to be released, he pushed in further, leaning down and capturing your lips in a slow kiss in contrast to the pace of his hips.

"Joh-n.. I'm g-gonna.. fuck!" you couldn't complete the sentence yet the message was delivered. "Let go baby, it's fine" he said, going faster, rubbing circles onto your clit to encourage your orgasm.

You cum with a loud moan, clenching around him, trying to shut your legs close from the intensity of the orgasm, but his legs in between stopped you from doing that.

Johnny slowed down for a movement to help you calm a bit but not stopping completely. Growing impatient as you take your own sweet time to calm down, he gripped your thigh from the bottom, lifting it up to let your leg dangle off his shoulder.

He started fast again, your clenching pulling him closer and closer towards the edge.

You pant heavily, "Johnny i can't.." sensitive from all the edging and the high that not even a second ago. Causing a faint pain in your core, getting you all worked up ready for your second orgasm again.

Oh how you were a sucker for pain.

"Yes you can. And you will" he said, going deeper, slowed to feel each and every inch of your inside, feeling you clench around him again.

"Shit.." Johnny rasped out, feeling his high approaching from your constant pressure on his member.

He went faster, the only sounds in the room being those inhuman sounds coming from both of you, skin slapping and the sound of your wet core being pounded at.

"Johnny!" your voice wobbly from all the cries and moans, clenching around him faster wanting him to cum faster and get this over with.

"Fuck baby, scream my name again, I'm so, so close" his voice cracked, hips stuttering, but shoved into you powerfully once again.

"Johnny, ah!" your feeble voice screaming, your small cunt taking him this well, and your constant clenching pulled his last string.

You felt him twitch inside of you, then seconds later his seeds coated the walls of your core, driving you to your second orgasm, as Johnny rode the two of you out of your high with his deep voice letting out gasps and groans.

Johnny flopped down beside you panting from the action, the room smelled of sex.

After a while of quietness filling the air, Johnny broke it first.

"Well that was.. Something" his voice was more raspy than ever, as you gulp down the dryness from your throat.

"Yeah.." you reply tiredly.

"Want to go for a second round and see who lasts longer this time?" Johnny let out jokingly with no actual intention of doing so.

You turn to your side with a little bit of struggling, wrapping your hands around his torso as you pull your body closer to his.

"Just shut the fuck up and cuddle me"

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lovee-infected · 4 years

Text

By my side

♥Leona Kingscholar ♥

Art credit

Well it still isn't too late to offer our dear Lion a bitter-sweet birthday gift , right ? Let him let go of his sad past and find happiness in this birthday night

...Sometimes I wondered why would I be even given birth to if this was the point life was going to drive me into ? If this was how it was supposed to be , I wished to never be born . Living without needing and to be needed , wanting and to be wanted , loving and to be loved was nothing different from death , some are given birth to by mistake , could it be that I as well was a mistake ? I was pretty sure that I was until something later changed my mind

Preview : Years has passed , each filled with dread , hatred , loneliness and dishonor . Unwanted pains shattering his heart to pieces , unexplainable emotions no one around him would ever care to imagine , endless tears fallen from his eyes over the years on his lonely corners , injured heart of him which no one ever cared to heal... But from now , things are going to be different . This year will be his new start because he has you by his side

Why did I always have to be the second one ...?

They say you've got to live your and only your life , that the only one holding you back from your dreams is you , that you can be anything if you try your hardest , and I tried

No , it wasn't only trying . I lived for my goal . I lived to become the strongest , I lived to be the one who brought honor to my family's name , I lived to pull myself out my brother's shadow , I lived to change my unwanted fate...but I couldn't . I cut back on my everything , my free time , my friends , my family , my own self . All to have my time to focus on my powers , to be an almighty magician . As I grew stronger , I begun to bring fear along myself. I got warned that I'm going way further than I ever should but it didn't matter . I still needed to be stronger , strong enough to prove that I'm worthy of being the next king

Farena brought light wherever he went and I brought...shadows . Shadows reflecting the terrifying darkness taming into my soul . I thought these would turn me into a worthy heir to my kingdom but they didn't , they turned me into something others called terrifying . Fearful . Greedy . Monster

My brother himself tried to hold me back for many times but I didn't listen , thinking that he was afraid of my strength which I thought had surpassed him so far . Even if it wasn't his purpose , this wasn't going to hold me back from the path I'd chosen ; it was too late

All they could see was my stunning powers growing more and more fearful day by day , slowly turning into a threat . No one ever saw what it took me to get to this point , no one ever cared . While children were playing outside and enjoying their short lasting carefree days , I had locked my self inside my hidden training spot , spending hours each day all alone there . Learning everything on your own isn't really pleasant , specially when no one's there to tell you how harmful magic can be . I was covered in dust and bruises each day after training , I even passed away of tire too many times right there

I have to admit...It doesn't really matter how much I grow . A part of me will always remain child because I sacrificed my time to be a child when I had to enjoy it . Yeah , there's an extremely annoying cry baby hiding inside me... It came clear to me again on the day of my nephew's birthday , the day life proved me that I can never change my path , no matter how much I try , no matter how much I lose , no matter how much cry , no matter how much I suffer

All those pain , loneliness , hours of crying and wiping blood off my body was a waste . Not because I didn't try , no dear it wasn't ever my fault . It was this life . It wasn't ever fair...

That child...This was the end of me . The only thing I fought for , my very last chance to get all I ever wanted out of my life . Why?...why?? I gave up my all just to be respected ! To be looked up to ! To be wanted !! Didn't I lose enough...?

I couldn't take it anymore , I couldn't . I had lost my purpose to live , to breath , to exist . Suicide would've been a pretty simple and shameful way to end it all , but you won't believe it if I tell how many time I was too close to doing it . The story of the infamous king Scar was getting reflected into my life . I was becoming what I refused to be , I didn't want to be like him , I didn't want to be the monster he became but...Not everything always goes as you expect , right ?

When I announced that I'll be heading to Night Raven College , everyone knew that I'd finally given up to my dark side . I was no longer afraid of becoming the monster they warned me about ; this was my path

I started a new life with entering Night Raven College or this is what I thought . No was there to look down to me for my neglected past and that was enough for me , enough to not suffer much more . My mind finally came to a more stable zone , somehow I could pull some parts of my shattered personality together and that seemed to be good...but the holes in my heart , there was no way to get rid of them . Loneliness , pain and , isolation took more than having a more stable life to be forgotten , but I never knew that my medicine would one day come to me on their own

I used to think that you were just as empty as I was , perhaps even a lot weaker with not a single sight of magic inside you . May seem rude but I believe that was the first thing that made me have an interest in you : You made me feel superior . Don't hate my dear , but that's just how I grew up . Being compared to my brother my whole life and receiving endless critiques and blames on it . You do understand , don't you ? Told you , those holes in my heart needed to be filled . Bullying you was just a small part of it

Back then , you were nothing more than a child in my eyes . Your will to make a change and save others sounded pathetic to me ; not just because I looked down to you as a human , but rather because I saw myself inside you ; my unfulfilled wishes and useless tries . This was how I expected you to end up , just like me . But you didn't

Overblot may be counted as my most terrifying form , but it isn't the only the thing you saw through me . That was the very first time I show you the others how empty I was , how weak I felt . I revealed my holes and that made me feel unsafe

Considering how I was wrong about being superior to you and the way you saw how measurable and weak I could be , I wouldn't have been fascinated if you too had started looking down to me as a loser . It was odd of you to try and get closer to me instead , no wonder why I kept rejecting you at first . You were stubborn and I was moody , I didn't really like the two of us getting much closer . Helping you take back the Ramshackle dorm was supposed to be our very last business together but , I'm thankful that you didn't give up on me . I accepted the two of us becoming friends since you insisted , but I'd never imagined what great changes were coming to my life by letting you in

Your powerless self which I used to make fun of , became a way for me to spend sometime forgetting how strong my magic would be or how important it can be in my life . Having ice cream together , taking walks , talking like two friends would , these were nothing special but they were all new to me . I had to accept that it was nice having you around , finally someone that wasn't as annoying as the others

Finally I gained enough self-esteem to speak of my personal issues , stuff that were bothering me over the years . I didn't want you to do anything about them , I just needed a listener . But to see how you cried hearing my pain... I- I wasn't ever expecting that . You were not only the first one to know but also the first to care...that shook my heart

When you said that you wanted me to spend more time with my family specially brother and nephew , I couldn't help but to laugh it off . But the way you actually forced me into doing it seemed to by quite childish at first . I was too selfish to even call my brother but you were there to force me into doing it - It felt like you were my mum sitting next to phone to see if I talk politely or not, but it worked out anyway

As the time passed , many things changed . Our small friendship was now way further than were it once was , specially now that I look how you changed me and my life over

Farena and I are now much better than we used to be , I can now really feel like I have someone as my older brother , not a symbol to be compared with . My family now check on my casually asking how I am doing . I still refuse to go home since I still have a lot to take care of here , but I can somehow feel that I as well missed them too . For so long I thought that I was forgotten , invisible and unwanted . But after you showing up in my life , I can finally see what it means to be alive

My dear (y/n) , I'm still learning to be a better me and need you by my side to learn me how to , so I'm not yet prepared to tell you how I feel . I kept on learning to be a great magician for years and now , it's time for me to learn to be a great lover , someone worthy of your love and attention , someone you'd like to remain by his side for eternity

I love you (y/n) , not just because of giving me all I needed for my whole life , not because of making me feel like I have a real family after the years , not because of helping me gain all respect and honor I always wanted to have , but for showing me that my path as well can be changed

Tonight here I am with my family , friends and you by my side , celebrating a date I called filthy for the past 20 years of my life :

" Happy birthday Leona! "

The crybaby inside me isn't going to shut the hell tonight- I know that I shouldn't cry but , I can't help it . My first tears in front on someone else than myself fall not because of pain this time , but due to the unbelievable happiness and joy my heart has drowned into . I look at you , your bright smile giving me straight and your beautiful eyes keeping on bringing light to soul . Even if my birth was a mistake , I would mow say that it's the most beautiful mistake that could have ever happened in my life

My family , my friends , and my beloved (y/n) , I need them all , and I'm glad to see that they as well need me . I want them in my life , and I'm proud that they as well want me . I love you (y/n) and I would die to see that you too love me , but even if you don't , that will never change my feelings for you . For the first time in my life , I feel alive . And it's all thanks to you , because of you by my side

I can't help but to hug you tight , feeling your warmth close to me . Digging my head into your shoulder as I let go of heavy tears in my eyes : " Thank you , (y/n)..."

♦♥♠♣

Tagging : @ji-yaaan @lilyholo @yandere-wishes

#twst #twisted wonderland #Leona Kingscholar #Twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader

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moon-u · 4 years

Text

Jean kirstein x reader || aot

Title : wings of freedom

Pairing : jean kirstein x reader

Chapter summary : it is during a perilous mission that they realize how precious time is

Notes : I wrote this overnight and was very tired, but I absolutely wanted to finish it and post it ASAP. I was hanging out on YouTube and I came across an edit on jean, it prompted me to write this

__ ☕︎ __

We were in the field, in the middle of a perilous mission.

Soldiers were dying, and the shrill cries echoed incessantly in our ears.

It was such a horrible sight that we had before our eyes. Our comrades, who had promised to offer body and soul to embody hope within its walls, disappeared one after the other.

What was going on? Is this a nightmare?

Why doesn't it stop? Is there even an end to this massacre

My gaze was empty of emotion. I was holding myself

right there, looking at our friends, our acquaintances, the people we had known for almost 5 years, suffering, crying, screaming in agony ... begging ... so that it wasn't their last day. Their last smiles, their last breaths, their last thoughts.

He was praying, what's the point? Was there even someone to have faith in? If so, why are we sending these demons who have decimated hundreds of thousands of lives in front of other human beings while wisely biding their hours within these walls. Serve four hours for these giants devoid of feeling, all that we were. Cattle to be hunted.

My mind suddenly woke up, bringing me back to harsh reality. Even though all of this was unfolding in front of my eyes, there was still hope. We won't lose like that. I wouldn't lose like that by doing nothing

My legs finally began to move, causing me to run at full speed on the high roofs. I had to fight. I have to fight.

My three-dimensional gear carried me through the air, making me feel light, powerful. Eliminating as many titans as possible on the way, about thirty were slaughtered with my blades glistening with hot blood.

We had been ordered to withdraw to a base in order to draft a new strategic plan. Given that fighting without a specific plan brought nothing but victims by the hundreds on the counter.

Once the plan was in place and hesitantly approved by everyone, I turned to return to my strategic position. This plan was really very risky, but the best we had on hand so far. The only hope we hung up on. Most of the best soldiers were either seriously wounded or dead like heroes.

"Do you really think we have a chance of winning against them ?? I'm telling you, we would have a better chance of surviving by retreating"

I automatically stopped my steps when I heard his hopeless words. Is that how everyone saw the situation. To retreat because it was risky?

"face it ... this humanity no longer has any hopes that it clings to, you made it obvious"

The soldiers nodded at his words.

"It's a beautiful speech you have there kirstein" I said without emotion, my eyes fixed on the floor. The people around me moved away from me, creating a space, a bule around me. "I did not know that we had a good talker within our ranks"

"they all agree with my words though"

"Do you want to get killed too? Is that really what you want y / n?"

"yes" I said, looking up at him, looking him in the eye, "I don't mind getting eaten alive if that means dying for a good cause"

"How can you think of yourself as soldiers by giving up like that? By influencing a whole regiment of fighters on top of it. Shits like you ,are hoping to have a good life without lifting a finger to get it, that's all what matters ... Do you think you can hope for a future by thinking this way?

I walked slowly towards him

"You say there is no more hope and we have to make it obvious, but here within these walls, as long as we live, that hope is us. How can we hope for a future without fear if hope itself gives up the fight for unnecessary reasons?

"go ahead" I said "follow him if you really want to. Anyway a soldier who fights for no reason is already dead after the first step on the attack ground. Personally I will fight until the end. go away while i fight for your comfortable and loving life, i am not afraid to sacrifice myself for a better future.

“I looked up, looking at them all one by one.

"after my death, and only after my death. You can come to my grave and tell me that there is no more hope, that I was wrong. That I would have fought for nothing, perished for nothing" I said fixing my gaze on his chocolate eyes

“I'd rather die this way than give up without fighting to the end. I would push my limits like It was taught me so well in these five years

“Watch me die and go. Or… follow me and fight. In the name of your families, of your dead comrades, of your desire for revenge, of your ardent hatred towards these vile creatures. Fight for a reason or give up for no reason. Dying here or there, there won't be much difference anyway.

"Me y / n f / n, I would fight body and soul. As I promised during my first initiation, such as the salvation that I made that day in the name of this humanity"

I left the room without letting any glance at the person who was looking at me now, watching me go, wide-eyed and open mouth in shock at my words.

With my three-dimensional gear, I roamed the streets eliminating as many titans as possible. Blood was on my head from these vile things. There were still no soldiers. So I really used my saliva in the wind, what a waste of time. I eliminated ten of them before landing on a roof to change my blades. One of my blades was stuck in my gear and I was taking too long. Much too long. In the current situation, no soldier could afford to stay more than five minutes in a fixed place, as open as a roof. It was almost suicide.

I had almost managed to sort it out, when a gigantic hand grabbed my waist, sending me up into the air. A twenty meter titans held me in the air, erasing all gravity from my suspended body. My blade had fallen. I couldn't die now. I haven't eliminated enough.

He led me quietly to his large canines full of blood , to devour me. I took a last breath, closing my eyes, thinking the pain would be more bearable this way. I automatically reopened them when I heard a familiar sound. Three-dimensional equipment. Someone was coming towards me. He was followed by a hundred people flying in the air.

He sliced off the titan's finger taking me with him in the air, pressed against his chest. He made us enter a building breaking the window. We were rolling on the ground, with some shard of glass below us. I stood up, looking at my savior. Jean kirschtein.

I looked at him in surprise. My words had finally served.

"don't look at me like that. It's just that you found the right words to talk to the herds of cowards that we were 10 minutes ago" he said ruffling his jacket, sending the few pieces of glass on the ground.

I gave him a slight smile, proud of myself.

So I had succeeded

"Hey, I saved your life, you could at least thank me, you-"

" thank you so much "

"you know I said it just like that" he said scratching his neck

"you will appreciate it later kirstein we have no time to-"

"why kirstein eh?"

"That's your damn last name"

“Well for the record my parents spawned me with a name,” he said sarcastically.

I sighed and walked over to the window, I needed to get my blade. I was ready to let go of my three-dimensional when a hand grabbing my wrist stopped me

He slammed me against the wall, smashing his lips against mine. His hand passed over my cheek, stroking. He pulled me by the waist, pressing my body against mine. He deepens the kiss. He nibbled on my lower lip, and his tongue entered my mouth, dancing a fierce struggle with mine. I was still eyes wide open, shocked, and motionless in the face of his strong grip. After a while my eyes danced firmly enjoying the possible last kiss I would receive from a man before I died in battle

He pulled back a tiny bit, grading his hand on my waist and his hand on my cheek. He was looking me in the eye, with a slightly choppy breath from the hot kiss he had started.

"Kirstein"

He pecked my lips quickly, silencing me.

"Shut up. I absolutely wanted to do it before I died. So on the one hand it's your fault I'm here" he said in a humorless tone "I was a coward earlier, but like Usually, your words opened my eyes ... you always had the right words to give hope "

He was heading for the windows smashed by our shattering entrance.

"So this is your last wish?" I said watching him go

He turned around "Truly .. it's one of my last wishes" he chuckled "if I would have completed the list entirely you wouldn't be standing here fully dressed" he gave me a smirk.

He was about to jump

"Jeans"

"don't get killed"

He didn't turn around, his back facing me. He stood there for a few seconds, before jumping up and activating his gear. Flying it through the air.

More than return to combat now.

In the end, all our efforts paid off. We got rid of these monsters one after another. Once back, soldiers came to thank me for spitting in their faces all these words which had lit them in the darkness into which fear had plunged them.

I had not seen kirschtein again. I was looking for him without really doing it. Glancing around as soon as a boy looked like that horse's head.

I got up then, heading to my dorm before curfew. I was walking peacefully through the halls, when a strong grip on my wrist made me follow the person who had dragged me behind her.

Given the dim light, I couldn't clearly see who was dragging me, but I could clearly recognize who I was looking for by their scent. He ended his way in an empty room, lit by a single, insignificant little candle.

"Kirstein-"

He kissed me again, like this moment, but with a lot more passion. Pushing me against the wall. The room was silent, and only a few noises were heard, those of our lips meeting.

The kiss was coming to an end, he pressed his forehead to mine, panting. We had lasted well over three minutes.

"I didn't know horses kiss so well" I said mockingly

"tch. You just messed up everything f / n"

"I…" He reconnected our lips a second time, silencing me, then looked at me with a smile.

"Tell me" I said walking away, "do you do one last will, or ..."

"y / n f / n" he said with a sigh, "you never noticed did you?"

"You never noticed .. how I was obsessed with you" he confessed looking at the ground.

"It's creepy jean" I said smiling

"You can't help but ruin the mood, eh?" He said chuckling "in truth I myself hadn't realized all this, how much I wanted you. always believed it was pure admiration as a soldier. It's true you were always the best at anything you did. After jealousy followed, when I saw you often hanging out with jeager and his groups of clowns. Then love. earlier, for the first time. I felt a greater fear than dying eaten by these beasts. I saw how determined you were. And seeing you go"

"seeing you leave .. I thought that would be the last time I would see you. That's what made me change my mind. I didn't want to see you die without my being able to time to call you mine "

"I was so scared" I saw a tear about to fall from her beautiful eyes.

"I noticed that time was our most precious thing right now. And even though it's limited. I want to use it up with you."

"I love you" he said with a sigh "and until today this is the biggest evidence I have been confronted with" he said looking at me

I kept silent about his confession. Jean kirschtein. Stood in front of me. Redness visible on his cheeks. Admitting that he loves me.

"I-"

"If you want to reject me, do it quickly. Please. It's embarrassing enough like that and-"

This time, it was I who interrupted her, fixing her lips to mine. I ran my hands behind his neck, pulling him closer, He slid his hands against my waist, hugging me tightly.

He pulled back looking at me with the biggest smile ever

"I guess that means yes," he scolded me to himself, supporting me against his chest. Take me in deep admiration.

#jean kirstein x reader #snk #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #jean kirstein #snk x reader #snk fanfiction

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julian-robinson-tlg · 4 years

Conversation

Trust

Julian:

*As I shake, I wipe at my tears as I listen to her..

*Trust?..

*The concept of 'trust' and 'not trusting' has never made sense to me.. Maybe it's something wrong with me.. Something wrong with how I view the world.. But, I just accept however people are. If people deceive me then I'm sure they had a good reason. I just excuse there actions. It's why I don't care if I go and live with complete strangers. I just.. Accept what they want.. Trust isn't a part of the equation for me.

*It seems really important to Nala though..

*.... Maybe Dora's right and something is mentally wrong with me.....

*Nala's actions confuse me then.

*I don't understand why she let me stay if she didn't trust me and that matters to her? Why..? Just because I'm nice?..

*Does she only trust her brother because he was nice to her too?

*Should she not trust him?..

*She mentions what she did to her brothers and it feels like a gut punch and I gaze at her horrified.

*I know she did it for her own reasons.. She thought it was right.. I can accept that.. But.. But she still choose herself over their own feelings of their own body. That's horrid!

*My eyes flicker side to side trying to comprehend that.

*I watch her go to him and say nothing.

*I.. I need something simple.. Something I can control.. Something that makes sense.

*I turn and leave. I briefly swipe somethings from the lab without looking up at anyone and go to my own room still shaking.

*My head hurts. I.. I don't understand.. I..

*I take off my back on the counter and pull out samples (Gwen's petri dish and Huck's sample) and the lab supplies.

*I set up a DNA test for Hesp and Huck. It was simple. Too simple..

*I already feel restless, knowing I'll have to wait for the results.

*I NEED a distraction from the pain and thoughts. I need control.

*I pace around the room, then head back to my bag to see what else I had that I could use.

*I pause, mortified .

*The hand.. I still had that stupid hand I never wanted. A piece of one of my best friends.. Ripped away from him.. No longer living..

*It had that stupid drones drool all over it and it was starting to rot.

*I take the plastic sample bag out of my bag and peer at it disturbed.

*I.. I... I could use it.. It doesn't have to be a waste.. Hesp's hand doesn't have to be cut off in vain..

*I set it down on the table and peer at it for a long while.

*The drone drool would have wraith hybrid DNA.. And Hesp was always so strong and protective..

*It wasn't fresh.. This was a stupid, stupid idea..

*But..

*I felt bad for Hesp.

*I had to use it for his sake.

*I hope he's alive.. And just missing a hand..

*But.. I have no clue..

*If this is the last of him his death can't be in vain.. It wont be..

*I rummage through my bad and take out a needle.

*I peer at as I take the protective sterile cap off and see the sharp edge glint and shine.

*I stick it in the hand in one fluid strong motion.

*I had to do this with determination or I might not go through with it.

"I'm sorry, Hesp."

*I work with it trying my best.

*Ugh.. Why did it have to be rotten?.. This is terrible..

*But I already used Gwen's sample for Huck's test, so it was all I had.

*....

*I would never experiment on someone else unwillingly.. But I wasn't someone else and I was willing. And the piece of my friend was dead and rotted. It had no will of it's own. But I could let it live again. In some form.

*...

*I worked on the hybridization.

*I had no wraith hibernation cove to ride out the physical pain in blissful unconscious ignorance and I wasn't going to bother anyone and ask. And Nala doesn't trust me anyway.

*I cocooned myself up into my bed sheet inside the shower with the cold water running, my teeth biting hard into my arm, as I try to muffle my screams to not disturb any neighbors that might be sleeping next door if there was any. I'd feel bad if I woke them.

*My body burned and I felt hot and sweaty against the cold freezing water. I felt like I was running a horrid unending fever. I felt like I was drowning against the wet sheets I wrapped myself in, and my lungs felt heavy.

"EEERRRRHHH!"

*I could taste the blood from my arm as I bit harder and harder as the pain grew. My veins felt like they were on fire.

*A part of my pain delusional brain wondered if this normal?.. Or if this was caused by the sample being rotten? Or if it was because it wasn't just wraith DNA but also whatever creature Hesp was mixed in.

*That thought quickly dissipates as another sharp pain rips though me and travels up my spine to my brain, and feeling like it was splitting it open.

*My teeth let go of my arm as I lift my head up and let out a high pitched scream that I couldn't hold back.

*My head thunks back down against the sheeted tub.

*My body felt exhausted and burning, but that soon faded as my mind opened to the presents and thoughts of those around me.

*It was hard enough dealing with everything everyone wanted in my daily life, but this was on a whole new level entirely. I was not prepared for this at all.

*It wasn't just what people told me what they wanted anymore.. It was their actual thoughts and desires that I was now exposed too.

*My eyes widened as I'm exposed to this mental nexus of thought, then close as my thoughts drift though this mental haze.

*My physical body is choking against the water and wet sheet. I must have blocked the showers drain when my head fell down, but my physical body isn't important to me now, as I float over consciousness, feeling emotions and wants of others.

*It was mostly food related strangely.. Though I guess not so strange since this hive is full of hybrids..

*But there's something else in the distance.. Something different. Something that I think wants to be let out..

*My eyes spring open.

*I choke and cough out the water I had been submerged in and struggle and fight against the clinging wet sheet.

*I rip it off and slip and trip out of the tub as I rush wet and in delirious pain needing to get to the poor soul that needs help. That needs to be free.

*I couldn't tell Nala this. She trusts the King.. And I get a sense this is his doing.

*I run and fumble against hallways for support, my arm streaming down blood from my deep bite, and sometimes tripping over my own feet in the process.

*I pass confused hybrids but ignore them as I leave wet footprints on the grounds and handprints on walls in my wake.

*I stop once I get to it.

*It's the room. The red box room.

*My wet hand presses the button opening the door and I step inside.

*I go to my knees and crouch down at out the box.

"You want to be free.. You want to escape, don't you?"

*I ask in my blood fever as I numbly pat the box and fumble against it with burning fingers.

"I'll let you out if that's what you want?... He put you in here didn't he?.. You don't want this do you?"

*My head sways side to side. My head is sweating and dripping down with the cold water against my body.

*....

"You want inside.. me?..."

*....

"Is that what you want?"

*....

.... A lack of trust.. is not a concept I understand ....

*I pull back my hands, and tentatively reach out a single finger and push the button.

*In an instant a fleshly ooze of worms and ash fills my wide eyed vision.

*When I close the box it's light shines blue.

*I arise and stumble out of the room and walk back to my room as if in a fevered daze, and coughing up burning blood reacting to the decayed rot from my lips

*I feel something slimy, caress my bones on the inside.

*I look down and see sores infest my bumpy arms.

*Numbly, I reach down and touch it, only to scream when a pain stabs through me.

*I sink down against the still running shower crying and screaming, as I feel all the pain.. All the anger and hatred.. All the loss and sadness from the creature that's consuming my body from the inside.

*It hurts so much..

*But I don't blame it.

*I don't blame it at all.

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thecurrenthyperfixation · 4 years

Text

Part 2

This is one of the best parts.

༎ຶ‿༎ຶ

This is straight up the vibe of the whole scene, but it actually hit hard because I have an emotional attachment to Logan. It's so hard for him to die, he's been around for so long, he just wants to be done. And that stuff with his mom? That got me broke, 'cause wether or not that was really his mom and he was really dead and not in some other weird dimension, that really hurt. And him saying mother instead of mom or something really exposed how, yeah, he's old. B*tch grew up in the 1890s.

On the subject of Peter, how many times have you seen him like this? Not often. It's so funny how dynamic thus relationship is. They trust each other to the literal ends of time, but their personalities crash so hard. Logan is one of the few people who can get Peter this unhinged.

After all, hatred is too strong an emotion to waste on someone that you don't like, as said by Clara Oswald in Doctor Who.

And then before they could really hurt each other (thank goodness) some ho (later revealed to be Mojo) said Let's Do The Time Warp Again and dropped them into each other's pasts.

Heh, gotta make a part three for that.

#adam kubert #jason aaron #comics #comicart #spider man #peter parker #logan howlett #wolverine

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parkchuuya · 4 years

Text

Foreword: The interpretation better known as unpopular opinion by the blogger seeks to give the reader another point of view but mainly to share the blogger's thoughts. It does not necessarily mean to disregard other opinions from the experts. The blogger is just a casual fan who in many reasons can't put down a pen. It may or may not resonate with your own interpretation. If it doesn't, I apologize. Just scroll down. But if it does, welcome to the club.

Date Written: June 3, 2020

Atsushi and Akutagawa has always been ride or die for Dazai.

Dazai's kids are more rampaging than Odasaku's orphans. They just don't go well together. In fact, they would be willing to kill each other when lazily pushed. But these two no matter how much hatred they have, they could create a blast when they work together, so yes Dazai being a fan of "teamwork makes the dream work". But it was not that these two were made for each other to be a younger version of Double Black. In fact, their representation to their senior is much more than just a Shin Soukouku. They both reminded Dazai of his past and present and possibly future.

Back in his Port Mafia days, it's always been fight or die so Akutagawa had to be strong or stronger in order to live because that's Port Mafia. Imagine having the power to control the underground, you have to be strict and merciless and more authorative. Akutagawa's health is crucial that's why Dazai had to break his bones before anyone could kill him for good. This rather cruel treatment Akutagawa received from his mentor crafted a somewhat goal to him as his motive to fulfill the standards Dazai had set. It became his ultimate goal that later gone wrong and bloomed a feeling of anger and hatred. This became more intense when Dazai had gone MIA, abandoned his mission, and left Port Mafia. It's as if Akutagawa had lost all strands of hopes he was willing to build to get that approval and of course who wouldn't get hurt like that. He's ghosted.

But did he really not care about his eldest son?

I think Dazai purposely left that kind of impression to Akutagawa so he would hate him and continue to get stronger and one day prove to him how he gotten strong; and that he would match his soon-to-be partner in crime, Atsushi my baby. That's why whilst fighting his own demons, Dazai managed to escape before anyone could notice that he's sinking... and he wanted Akutagawa to apply all he has taught him since day 1 and one day, be able to finally realize what it meant to be "strong".

On the other hand, Dazai had to tame the beast and recruit him to become a member of Armed Detective Agency. While Akutagawa is in the dark side, Atsushi with his naive, innocent and pure posture needs to be on the lighter side since opposite attracts. Dazai knows Akutagawa will do everything to surpass his goals so he thought he should be fine in the Port Mafia- secretly hiding his intention of preparing the two as mini double black version for the bloody battle against Fyodor the rat Dostoyevsky. As a detective, Dazai's treatment to Atsushi is soft compared to Akutagawa who sufferred in a lot of killings. By murdering people, Akutagawa had somehow found a reason to live not for himself but also for his sister, Gin. Unlike Akutagawa, Atsushi was more vulnerable, more tender that if he's been told to kill himself, he would arguably, eventually rather do over a period of unfortunate time. So Dazai had to carefully mold him and build barriers to Atsushi's fragile vessel sans giving him the idea of being "privileged".

That does mean different treatment means biased?

I don't think that's the case.

Dazai Osamu and The Dark Era, Chapter 3

In the Dark Era, when Odasaku asked Dazai about his subordinate Akutagawa I was convinced that Dazai already "approved" Akutagawa's strength because if not, then there's no need for him to passively invite him in Port Mafia. There's no need to waste time of hard training without special treatment. And the question still lingered at the tip of my tongue waiting to recall of what we known as an excuse or "reason". I think Dazai saw Akutagawa in him. No emotion at all. Just a powerful stray dog running around the alley slums, doing everything to survive. He's filled with anger and revenge and that's what keeps driving him to hold on. Even if it's cruel, even if it's painful. Back to history, Dazai Osamu appreciated Ryunosuke Akutagawa and he looked up to him so bad that it affected him when the latter committed suicide. This drove the aspiring author to follow the footsteps of his idol. In BSD, their roles are reversed. It was Akutagawa who was longing for Dazai's appreciation and Akutagawa seems not a fan of his mentor's suicidal habits.

The rather odd truth I found by their relationship was simply assuming. The retrospect taught me to look again in another point of view. Akutagawa is Dazai's past self, emotions, feelings, even boredom. He reminds him of what was the smell of bloodlust and violence again before he realized it was too late. It seems he "hates" Akutagawa because he still could not forgive himself for what happened though no one was saying it's easy. But after the exasperating fight with The Guild, he pulled off his mentor status and finally after a long period of time, he delivered the words by himself in person, "You've gotten strong", a few words enough for Akutagawa to realized Atsushi was right all along and his view of the world was twisted and wrong. Dazai knows it was the only resolution to pave a way for Akutagawa's character development and it needs to be him as his superior.

I think the miscommunication between these two were notably shown. It was like:

For Dazai: Action speaks louder than words; but

For Akutagawa: The pen is mightier than the sword.

Akutagawa's jealousy or should I say, envy as we follow the chapters and the episode was enormous that it blinded him from the very path he wanted to take. The paces became blurry and muddy it was like he stepped directly on a quicksand and he forgot what he should do at times of chaos that killing is not always the right solution. This is why Dazai could not reach him in the first season's ending song. He does not know when enough is enough and because they were both a shadow of darkness in the past, there was only one boat eligible for one person and Dazai chose to save no one nor himself. This could also explain at least for me, when Dazai touched Atsushi's head, Akutagawa cried in blood. The blood represents his anger saturated with confusion and betrayal. Why did it have to be Atsushi and not him. But this could also explain that the both of them were submerging and they needed someone whose heart is strong no ability could ever tear, someone whose soul is pure and innocent. Someone who understands both good and evil but proceeded with kindness. He did not choose between them. He simply sought salvation and by faith, he met Atsushi.

Changing the focus to Atsushi, who's been tortured in his childhood, tormented, and broken, he was way unfortunate than the both of them. For the sake of his mental health, Dazai had to guide him into the light even though it means staying with him in the present. He even let himself captured by the Port Mafia to obtain information regarding the 7 billion bounty put on Atsushi's head. If someone asks me, I think he's already melting the brick facade he built for himself and Atsushi was the only one who notices that he's trying to get better. Atsushi is the living proof of Odasaku's last words, to be on the side that saves the poor because his life will at least get better, that is... if you're trying to live. Why did he obey Odasaku aside from the fact that he was his only true friend? Wasn't it because he felt guilty or he's just sentimental? No. It's because... he actually wanted to taste how living actually is. And he did. Now, things are going to change. For him, for Akutagawa and also for Atsushi.

And for Dazai, he caught himself tangled by Atsushi's healing abilities. He reminds Dazai of the beauty of the world without violence. Atsushi's view might find argumentative but at least it's philisophical. Atsushi always find the right words whenever Dazai talks to him. A simple nod, and "yes" brought a slight suprise to him. It's Atsushi's nature that even knowing the good and evil, Atsushi wish to perceive good and kindness. And to this extent, the rotten past Dazai was trying to conceal felt a permission to be forgiven. It took only one touch in the forehead for him to approve of Atsushi and as he tried to get along with him, he is also learning and developing. Atsushi might open doors for Dazai and also for Akutagawa to completely move forward.

After the war shin sokoukou had gone through, Dazai showed us that these two when guide together, is like a perfect harmony that without realizing, compliment each others' strength and value thus also discrediting his contribution, for us to realize that one does not need any appreciation or recognition to realize your own worth.

You are worthy and it's something you should NEVER ask validation from nor apologize for.

That's all for today, I'm beat, notice me Chuuya senpai ;-;

Follow me on my anime amino account where I post all my bsd stuffs ;-;

http://aminoapps.com/p/y0iwdr

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #literary heroes #ryunosuke akutagawa #dazai osamu #bsd analysis

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dakotablackwood · 5 years

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Silence [Pt. 2]

Part 1, Part 2

Warnings: Unsympathetic Virgil, deception, manipulation, physical pain, bottled feelings, disguised violent threat, murder mention/joke, cursing, insults, hatred, Phonophobia [Fear of loud noises]

Ships: Loceit??? Who knows??? DLMP, other ships TBD

Prologue: It all got to be too much for Deceit sometimes. He's a flawed side, defective, useless. He isn't supposed to have these fears. He isn't supposed to flinch every time he drops something. He isn't supposed to have a panic attack when the dryer at a fast food restaurant is just a little bit too loud. It only gets worse when Virgil decides to mess with him. He thought Virgil would get better after being with the light sides. He didn't think Virgil would do anything to harm him. He couldn't hate Deceit so much that he'd hurt him, right?

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When he woke up, he almost thought it was all a dream. Well, he hoped it was. As distinct hushed whispers came into focus, he knew it wasn't. If that wasn't enough, the texture of his bed felt….wrong. He didn't want to move, he didn't want to open his eyes, he didn't want to do anything to give the impression he was awake. It made him sick just thinking about the look on their faces. He'd honestly rather spontaneously combust than have to deal with their hatred. They probably thought it was a joke, some tactic to gain their trust. That would be fine, at least they would leave it as that. Maybe it would be better that way.

Suddenly, a specific comment caught his attention. It was quiet, and he seemed to be the only one who heard it.

"You always screw things up, don't you?"

Deceit's eyes flew open, and he was sitting up in just a few seconds. He regretted it immediately. Not only had he caught the others' attention, but he was now dizzy with how fast he'd gotten up. His mind blurred and his vision gave out. His body started to sway while he held his head, waiting for it all to stop.

A hand settled firmly on his upper arm. He couldn't comprehend it until a few seconds later, but when he did, he noticed that it hurt. It burned, really. As the dizziness subsided, he was able to look up and see Virgil, Logan, Patton, and Roman all standing over him. All he could focus on, though, was Virgil's hand over his arm, barely even touching him.

Deceit had fallen back, landing on his pillow at some point in his dizziness. He hadn't felt it at all, which was weird, but then again he was really dizzy. Normally, he would've cared about the fact that he wasn't in his own room. He would've been appreciative of the attention he was getting, if it weren't for the searing pain of Virgil's hand on his arm. He was so confused. 'How is he doing that? What did I do? What is happening?'

The pain made him bite his tongue, flinching and moving around uncomfortably.

He opened his mouth to speak, and as soon as he did, Virgil pulled his hand from his arm. Deceit gloved hand went to rub his skin where the side had touched him, "Why- how did you do that?"

Virgil mocked confusion, as if he wasn't speaking to the master of deception, "What do you mean, snake face? Are you already trying to mess with us?" He glared, but to Deceit, it meant 'shut up, no one will believe you'.

Deceit just rolled his eyes, not wanting to play these games. All he wanted was to know why he wasn't in his room anymore and how the hell he got here. He looked at the others, scanning each of their faces. Patton's was concerned, ever loving and caring. Roman's expression displayed uncertainty. Logan's was calm, but his eyes. His eyes showed concern. Genuine concern.

One of the things Deceit can do is see true emotion through people's eyes. He was able to see how someone truly felt, if they showed it or not.

Even so, he thought even the others could see Logan's emotions if they tried. They were always so strong, but somehow, the others never saw them. They never saw how truly emotional Logan is. It seemed so obvious to Deceit, but the other seemed to have his emotions so covered up that the others just didn't quite notice it. It was so confusing to Deceit. How did they not see it?! He was upset and almost crying, how did no one notice?

It always baffled him how the others could be so smart, so attached to each other, and yet they couldn't notice things like Logan's body stiffening (hurt, upset, angry) or him going silent (ignored, surprised). Deceit noticed these things, yes, but Logan's eyes broke every little external wall he put up for himself. He could have a cold hard expression, but be incredibly hurt or excited.

He quickly snapped back to life when he heard Patton's voice suddenly, "Deceit, are you….are you okay? Yesterday was rough for you, I imagine." He chuckled softly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Deceit's eyes were still just slightly red from crying, and he could feel the dried tears on his face. He remembered every detail of last night and flinched, "Perfectly fine, Patton. I've been fine, last night was nothing. It was simply a burst of emotion that I obviously couldn't handle. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll take my leave before you all start hating me again. I'd rather not be here for that part." As he stood, he finally took a look at the room he was in. Obviously Patton's, with blue walls decorated with rainbows, kittens, dogs, stars, and every other happy thing you can think of. There was a wall of pictures and memories from Thomas' past. They showcased big accomplishments in their host's life, like when Thomas got an award and when he got the lead role in a school play.

The room was bright and happy, everything in it was something from Thomas' past that held value.

Patton's room and Deceit's were very very different in that aspect, despite having the same layout.

Speaking of Patton, the side frowned when he went to leave, "Wait, ki- Deceit!"

At the mention of his 'name', the deceptive side turned to look at the bubbly dad. It didn't hurt that he didn't call him 'kiddo', it didn't, it didn't, it didn't, he wasn't a kid why would it hurt- "Yes, oh so loveable Morality?"

Patton crossed his arms, "Please tell us why you were so upset. We've never seen you cry before, we're just concerned."

He didn't know what bothered him so much about that little statement, but Deceit just hissed in annoyance, "Concerned? Really? Don't even try with that. I don't do anything that important, now go do your job and stop lying to a liar. Honestly Morality, you could've called me stupid to my face and it would've been less insulting." He could taste the lie on his tongue. It was a nice, rich honey-like substance. If it wasn't for the blatant, hurtful lie he would've appreciated the taste. He craves it, and this would've been a victory if it weren't for the pain that came with it.

"Well, I care king cobra!" Roman said defensively, "I mean, come on! We're not part of a mean person, we can't completely hate you! Have a little faith in us man, we're not that terrible." The prince huffed, looking to the side like an insulted teenager.

"Yeah, we're not going to like….kill you or anything." Virgil 'agreed', and somehow, no one noticed the sarcasm except Deceit.

This just made the snake faced side uncomfortable. The way the other's eyes darkened, how Virgil's smirk looked sinister to only him. It all just made him want to throw up.

"Right, well, I'm going to be in my room. While I'm there, try to keep it down for me." Deceit asked casually before sinking out. He didn't feel comfortable anymore, and he didn't need to deal with this right now. As soon as he made it to his room, he groaned and went to go look for his hat.

Now, any other side/person would've thought Deceit's request probably had nothing to do with the reason he was distressed the previous night. However, that little statement had confirmed everything that Logan had hypothesized already. He knew why he was crying, and he knew exactly what that meant. Was he going to tell the others? No.

Now you might be thinking "why not?"

Because, put simply, the others had had enough of his explanations, lectures, and definitions. He didn't think they would understand or care about what it meant either. They would lose interest, ignore him, dismiss his information as invalid.

He really did care about Deceit. He knows more about Deceit than Deceit even knows he knows about. He knows Deceit knows more about him, too. Does he care? No. He actually quite likes how someone can see past his hard exterior.

Yes, it was hard to be the logical side. It would be harder to do his job, though, if the others hated him. Which was why he felt kind of bad for Deceit in a way. While filming SvS, he had to step in and stop the other. Not because he wanted to be rude- despite how rude it might've came off as to Deceit- but because he knew the others wouldn't listen. He knew the snake side wasn't going to get anywhere, and it was better if it was stopped before the deceptive side felt just as bad as he did when he himself was ignored. It wasn't worth it to keep going, because it would only hurt worse the longer it went on.

He made a mental note to keep the noise level to a minimum.

After a few minutes of silence, he decided enough was enough and that they were wasting time, "We all need to resume our individual work elsewhere. We are not accomplishing anything standing here except for 'effectively' wasting valuable time. If we are done here, we should disperse, as I believe we cannot properly do our part in helping Thomas without moving from this specific spot. I will leave now, and I expect everyone else, excluding Patton, to do the same. This is Patton's room, obviously, so technically he's where he needs to be. Apart from him-" He was cut off by a groan from Roman.

"Alright, alright we get it! We're leaving!" Roman said before sinking out with raised hands.

Virgil just shrugged, leaving silently with a peace sign.

After the last of the two left, Logan sighed and finally sunk out.

Back in Deceit's room, panic was starting to rise as he searched everywhere for his hat. He just couldn't find it, and he didn't have another one. He was hyperventilating as he checked the floor for the twelfth time, sweaty with fear. It had to be there. It HAD to be there. As he searched, he felt more and more vulnerable and defenseless without his hat. He was searching for hours, having destroyed his room in the process. He was crying again by the end of it, on his knees in the middle of the room. His hair was messed up, his makeup even more messed up than before. He wanted his hat so badly, it was childish. It was so so childish but he NEEDED it. It was his hat for god sake. It was one of the only things that gave him comfort, the only thing beside it being his gloves. He felt stupid, but he also felt so….exposed without that damn hat. Burn anything in his room, sure, he didn't care. The only things he ever cared about was his hat and gloves, so be it if everything else is gone. He was so annoyed, upset, anxious. All he wanted was his hat, was that too much to ask?

Back in Virgil's room, tucked discreetly into a drawer and covered by clothes, was a little black hat. Inside, hidden from the eyes of everyone, was a little embroidery of a two headed snake.

#sympathetic deceit #deceit sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #unsympathetic virgil #loceit #phonophobia #tw #sanders sides #thomas sanders #abusive virgil

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secretsofthe-soul · 5 years

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The things I wish I could have said.. 💔

Tuesday February 19th, 2019

9:45ish pm

Dear Daddy, I'm writing to you because I wish you were here to speak with in person... I miss your advice, your humor, your smile, your compassion every single day. I know we had our ups and downs as I was growing up but I truly couldn't have asked for a better loving father and I wish I would have expressed it to you more. I know I shouldn't but I live with so many regrets every day on the things I should have said & done and the hurtful things I said & did when I was younger... I want to tell you how sorry I truly am and how much I wish I could take it all back and show you how I truly feel, and that's how appreciative I am of you and the positive impact you had in my life.

I wouldn't be the 25 year old woman I am today without your influence, your guidance, your love. You taught me so many valuable lessons in life and I never really got a chance to say Thank You Daddy. I love and miss you every day, more than any words can explain and I hope you can hear these thoughts where you are and how much i miss your presence in my life. I will be strong for you, just know I love you so much and not a day goes by when I don't wish you were here. I'm sorry for everything.

✴Current Thoughts:

August 2019

I remember the pain in my heart and deep in my soul when I began writing this in February... The feeling of my dear father passing a year prior and my whole world being flipped upside down. So many words left unsaid, so many meaningful hugs I wouldn't be able to cherish anymore.. Only a distant memory I'll pray never fades. I was always a daddy's girl, but momma left to Florida when I was 2 after separating with my dad over booze.. From then on my time with him was limited- a summer here, or a school year there but as much as I wanted to be with him the alcohol pushed me away and I left back to Florida with mom every time... wishing it didn't have to be like that. It broke my heart and there's so much time in between I wish I could get back with him. There's so many fights as a hormonal teenager where I said things I never meant... There's pain I caused him, being his only child, he should have never experienced. I was a troubled, confused young girl with a daddy who loved me more than life itself yet I was so selfish and reserved in my mind that I never showed him how special he really was to me...

As I grew older our relationship became much better and I moved to Virginia full time, but lived separately. But not long after I was finally established I was given the news he had Sorosis of the liver... I was worried but the doc said if he put the alcohol down he would live quite some time unscathed by the disease... I watched him quit drinking, I watched him come out and ride my horses, watched him reunite with old friends and sit around and joke and laugh without worrying about things getting out of hand- for the first time he was relaxed without the beer because he knew life depended on it. I watched my dad look at me with clear eyes and a new found happiness in the closeness we shared more than ever. We remained that way for a few years, we had hope...

Until the day he came by my moms to visit me, sat in the recliner and asked me to sit with him. Oddly enough. I was 22 I think. I'm not a very physically affectionate person but I went and sat there on his leg confused while he held me. I felt something was off and it was like a nightmare those moments before he spoke. He said "You know I love you Monkey..... I wanted to tell you in person that I have cancer sweetie.... Terminal liver cancer." My entire existence ceased and I couldn't say a word, I just burst into tears as I laid my head on his shoulder. The tears flooded his eyes as we sat there and that's when I knew this was more serious than anyone could possibly comprehend. He held me as if I were still 5 years old on his lap. I'll always be his little girl, his monkey, he'd always say- and there I was. That was the first time in many years i got that close to my father and shared that type of emotion with him and it partially makes me feel horrible because why couldn't I do that before I knew he was dying? Why did I waste the time? Why was I so introverted to the point any physical contact from anyone including family felt uncomfortable? He was my favorite person in this entire world, no doubt in my mind, but I don't think HE knew it for himself and THAT'S what kills me. I had so much love I just didn't know how to show it. I spent those last two years dropping everything for my daddy making sure he was always comfortable and righting my wrongs for the time lost all those years before... But still it's hard to accept even for myself because I'm always going to feel like there was more i could have done.

The entry I wrote just a few month's ago allowed me to face the thought of my dad by speaking directly to him in a sense, because for a year after his passing I numbed my mind and body with opiates so i didn't have to think about it. After getting clean the thoughts flooded my mind uncontrollably and writing it was my only way of facing my emotions after being numb for so long.. But even in writing I didn't dig deep into my soul to confront that pain.. I was scared to relive the details. My regrets; that moment I found out he was dying on his lap; the hatred for myself over everything I could have done differently in his end days.... I never faced it until THIS VERY MOMENT sitting here elaborating the original entry on Tumblr of all places. I've never spoke in this much detail about it with anyone, not even my journal, because of the pain it caused me.. But here I am... Finally speaking on aspects that I've been avoiding for a year and a half since he left me. Progress.

Yours truly,

Daddy's Monkey🐵

💞If you've ever lost someone comment how you cope with grief. Let's allow healing energy & acceptance into our hearts and cherish the memories we DO have with those we have lost and start appreciating those still in our lives today. Tomorrow is never promised, it's never too late to show someone you care. 💞

#daddy girl #rest in paradise #griefsupport #grief #griefshare #acceptance #healing #r.i.p.#i love you #spilling thoughts #daddy #daddysgirl #heaven #enlightenment #share your truth #share your secrets #share your love #share your world

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