#I am afraid I’ll just fuck up those relationships too tbh because everything is a cycle with me

[whimsyprinx]

i think I just need to stop clinging to and getting so attached to people

[piqued-curiosity]

#misogyny isn’t okay just because you don’t like somebody

but you have shielded the people that was about repeatedly.

Just soon back you were reblogging black pills and telling us, oh stupid bi women, stop getting "hung up on" being called dick worshipers, say you're identical to tims, and having your abuses discredited. Ohh fine you say, maybe she should use nicer words to say same things, but she is very right, listen to the things of real importance not your stupid little rape statistics or whatever. Of course she is not a misogynist no no, she is insightful and it is based that everyone reblogs those things. So you get annoyed at bis because they wont ignore misogyny and biphobia, you don't get annoyed at misogyny or your friends reblogging it. wau!

Then just now you get so angry bisexuals dare say we should not feel shame for any aspect of bisexuality. You pretend that post said "het relationships are oppressed by gay people" so you can move the straw man into the goal posts, but what it actually said was that bisexual people are degraded and internalize shame about OSA, even in het relationships. You ignore how first post was bisexuals telling other bisexuals, and literal example in next post was bi woman saying about herself. Yet you pretend its bisexuals forcing gay people to worship us. Reach.

Could not be that its about how people call us dick worshipers, degenerates, sex beasts without love, kink freaks without boundaries, that is bi womens fault if they get raped for being sluts, and even worse things? all that affects us, gets in our heads? But no of course saying those things is fine against a dick worshiper. Well for us is not fine, we feel pain that our fellow bisexuals internalize those things deep in their hearts and it makes them alone and afraid, only you can think that is evil and homophobic somehow. Hetero relationships are celebrated but that does not mean bisexuals or bisexuality are celebrated by heteros, the statistics on the abuse and everything prove that very much. But no of course you ignore any of that to tell us to go "touch grass" as if hetero world is peace for us. Then when the reality reveals itself and the heteros are - the gasping here! - homophobic, you are first in line to coddle the people that tell us we are playing victim and our rape and other abuse is not real compared to what homosexuals feel.

I do not think you are against misogyny, misogyny is fine against bisexuals you by how treat it. You are not getting angry at misogyny you are getting more angry at bisexuals for not putting up with it. What you are against is seeming of misogyny and only just barely.

Oh my fucking god here we go again.

I apologised. I admitted I was wrong. I meant it. And yet you still come at me like this. Honestly you’re just making it clear that I’ll never be good enough for you. If you have such an issue with me and with accepting that I’m both a human and a learning feminist meaning I will make mistakes, just block me.

This whole time I’ve disagreed with language like “dick worshippers”. I’ve made that clear and I don’t know how many times I have to do so for you to stop pretending I haven’t. And even if I was once out there yelling misogynistic language at bi women (which I was not), me reblogging the post speaking against it should make you think “good, she’s changed”, not “ooo let me tell her off for reblogging a post about the issue I want her to address”???? Talk about not leaving room for growth.

The post you’re referring to…I EXPLICITLY STATED I DISAGREED WITH WHAT YOU ARE MENTIONING. Because I am able to read a text critically, I took the good bits which were the criticism of lesbophobia from bi women (and tbh I think you probably take issue with this too, because how dare we talk about anything other than uwu wlw solidarity), and acknowledged it wasn’t perfect. One of the first things I pointed out in my reblog was that I disagreed with saying bi women and TIMs were the same, so you acting like I agree with that is either you ignoring what I said, or being intentionally obtuse.

I agree bisexuals shouldn’t feel any shame for being bisexual. I also agree that a lot of bisexuals get hilariously pissy when gay people don’t give a shit about their OSA and opposite sex relationships. Tbh I’m actually not sure what specific post you’re talking about here because just tonight I’ve seen so many posts where OSA people cry about their het relationships not being seen as “queer” or “gay enough” or some shit. But look, I don’t believe anyone can truly feel shame regarding OSA, because the whole fucking world celebrates and encourages OSA. And I don’t think any homosexual needs to give even an ounce of compassion to OSA people crying to us about how much they don’t like being OSA, because we’re too busy focusing on the victims of homophobia (before you get angrier with me, I’m talking about both gay and bi victims of homophobia).

If you want to talk about the negative stereotypes about bisexuals, or the degrading language used to discuss specifically bisexual women, then talk about that! I’ll support you! But you can do that without making it about how it’s so so hard to be OSA. Idk maybe you’re talking about some post I’ve forgotten about that I misinterpreted and it really is talking about everything you’re saying and isn’t pulling the “gay people make it so hard to be OSA” card, because I’ve seen a bunch of those posts on my dash recently so they’re fresh in my mind and are what I’m thinking of while responding to this. So just know if that’s the case idk what post you’re talking about, and I’m strictly talking about the kweers who cry about people thinking their m/f relationships are straight, and being upset that gay people don’t want to hear about their OSA.

I know in my heart that I’m against misogyny, you can think what you want of me. But in my humble opinion, I think you have a very black and white perception of me that doesn’t allow for realising mistakes and growing from them.

[phynali]

another post about the secret good supernatural that lives in my brain

where’s that interview or convention quote from mark sheppard about how he wishes Rowena had been Crowley’s ex-wife instead of mother?

i absolutely love Rowena and Ruth O’Connell did an incredible and fantastic job with bringing her to life, but i do feel like that’s the world’s most Valid critique. 

and i kind of get that the show’s later seasons really like to dabble in the parenthood narratives, with Rowena, with Mary, with the Jack storyline, with Lebanon. what does it mean to be a mother/father/parent, and how do we do the best by our kids? what happens when we fuck up? what happens when we’re selfish? how do experience being a person and a parent when those are in conflict?

but i don’t see how making rowena into crowley’s mother really added to any of those conversations, tbh. 

if anything, them as exes would give a lot more weight to her, y’know, killing her (other) son at the end of s10. obviously she’s got this “i hate that i can’t hate you i hate that i love you” maternal thing with crowley but what if she was killing her son and crowley was thinking about the kid crowley had all those years ago who also gets resurrected when rowena is around and who crowley has to let go of, right? i mean what if that was both their kid? what if they had to mutually watch him die? what if that’s why they hated each other in the first place? what if crowley made that stupid childish deal he did just to punish himself for rowena leaving him after their son died and he blamed himself and meanwhile rowena went and got herself invested in witchcraft in a vain and failed attempt to bring their kid back and everything about them went to shit - 

god, i want this so badly now?

and i see why they might not have wanted to reduce all their stories to siblings or lovers, why other dynamics keep things fresh, but i think exes who still get along but also can’t stand one another but also love one another but are never, ever getting back together and that’s for the best but also if you lay a finger on him i’ll kill you only i get to kill him - 

well i just think that’s a bit more interesting than what we got? especially with lucifer thrown in the mix and the obvious infidelity feelings. right now lucifer and rowena reads as abusive romance but they didn’t lean into any paternal dynamic between lucifer and crowley, like it’s just pure debasement on an equal level, and they obviously just did not know or were too afraid to tap the very disturbing familial parallels they could have setup there so why even paint themselves into that corner? 

why not setup lucifer and crowley as romantic rivals, neither of whom actually want rowena or a relationship but both of whom play tug-of-war with the loyalty and allegiance of women because they’re awful people (devils, literally) and why not have rowena’s narrative involve rejecting all of that bullshit and overcoming the inherent misogyny. not to say there’s not some of that in her maternal storyline as well but it’s - empty? in comparison (by which i mean delivery). and much better explored with mary in s12.

and the samwena vibes would be so fascinating!! if rowena was crowley’s ex the show might have actually dug into crowley and sam’s super interesting and massively under-explored dynamic because the weird jealousy and territorialness would be so goddamn fun!! 

“no i don’t want to be with her but no she is not allowed to flirt with you what the hell do you mean you’re the one destined to kill her oh fucking no you aren’t that is my job she broke my heart and i am the king of hell, not you mr boy-fucking-king-who-abdicated so you will pry the right to kill her from my cold dead demon hands i will save her life just so you don’t get to kill her you bastard - “

come on! 

right now samwena and crowley was super under-explored as it is, and at minimum we 150% deserved crowley being cheeky with sam for having chemistry with his mother and sam being a little flustered/unsure how to respond while inevitably sassing crowley back. please. it would be so weird. you cannot convince me that the crowley we know and love wouldn’t have deliberately flirted with mary just to see sam’s eye twitch and for dean to break a tooth by tensing his jaw too hard. i mean it wouldn’t work because mary hates demons almost as much as sam but it would be in character and it would delight me, personally.

anyway i also saw someone else comment that when rowena was introduced the witchcraft in the show went from super fucking dark (how it was introduced to the show in kripke era, then left mostly untouched in s6-9) to pretty purple sparkles and tbh that’s so true and also dull? like rowena was legit introduced in the process of reading a book and drinking tea (or wine?) while two guys bled out slowly on her ceiling held up by her dark af magic and by the end she’s just ...  doing spells that sam and dean have no moral compunctions about using? dabb do you know what horror is as a genre why did you change the genre of this show in its final 3 seasons? why did we not get to retain the dark and demonic aspects of witchcraft? 

i am so disappointed at how they watered down so many different things with rowena and final note she absolutely should have fucked sam literally any other character behind the bookstacks except gabriel omg.

[fowl-fox]

I know I keep asking you all these random questions, but- in AF, it always irked me that we never learned about Fowl Sr.’s return to Fowl Manor, given that he was recovering from being in a coma (I know his amputation sight would have been healed by then, but I don’t think he would have been strong enough to walk on a prosthetic for a while- he probably used crutches for a bit). Like... what was that like for the Fowls. I know that the books never go into it, but I would have hoped that it was a brief period of the Fowl Family being just... happy to be together again, even as they were having to dramatically restructure their lives again to adjust to the head of the family being home again, especially for Tim and Angeline. Any thoughts or headcanons or what-not?

Ask as many questions as you like! (That goes for anyone else as well.) It gets my brain going and motivates me to start writing things. Also sorry this took a bit, I've got medical crap going on rn.

As usual, I'm gonna toss this under a Read More, because boy, did this get long, I apologize. And I'm going to warn you, a lot of this delves into how I feel about Artemis' relationship with Tim and Angeline overall. But it's those feelings that drive most of my headcanons, so I feel like it's best to talk about them.

Let's start with Artemis Sr. and his state of being after rescue. I'm gonna pull some quotes from my copies of The Arctic Incident and The Eternity Code throughout my pondering, please bear with me.

At the beginning of TAI, we're given a laundry list of ailments Fowl Sr. has when he's dragged out of the water in the beginning of the book:

"Though the man's clothes were relatively intact, his body had not fared so well. His bare hands were mottled with frostbite. One leg had been snapped below the knee, and his face was a horrific mask of burns."

"He'll lose that leg for sure, (...) A couple of fingers, too. That face doesn't look too good either."

When it's Holly's turn to drag Fowl Sr. out of the water, his heartbeat is dangerously low, due to deadly cold water. We know she kept him alive, healed the chest wound caused by the blunt force of the shell Butler shot him with, as well as a blinded eye that wasn't mentioned previously, but we're not really told anything else, which I suppose leaves it up to our imaginations as to what ailments he's left with.

We know he lost his leg, but did he lose some of those frostbitten fingers? Frostbite doesn't fuck around (Mayo Clinic link, if you'd like), and while it's not mentioned, it would be likely his captors would have had to amputate a few of those as well, to prevent the dead tissue from eventually killing their meal ticket. His face was severely burned from the explosion, how extensive was the scaring after everything was said and done? We know magic can heal scars if that's what the magic is told to do, but Holly probably wasn't worried about that in the moment, and she makes this statement:

"I got him," she gasped, "One live Mud Man. He's not pretty, but he's breathing."

So even with Holly doing what she could, it sounds like Fowl Sr.'s condition was still really rough. Rough enough to need prolonged medical attention. He'd spent nearly two years in a coma before waking up in Murmansk, and the ordeal of his rescue was enough to throw him back into a coma, as we're told in The Eternity Code.

Except wait a minute. In Artemis Jr.'s diary excerpt, we're given some information that contradicts the previous book.

"It had been over two months since Holly Short used her healing magic on his battered body, and still he lay in his Helsinki hospital bed. Immobile, unresponsive.

The doctor's could not understand it. He should be awake, they informed me. His brain waves are strong, exceptionally so. And his heart beats like a horse. It is incredible, this man should be at death's door, yet he has the muscle tone of a twenty-year old.

(…) Holly's magic has overhauled his entire being, with the exception of his left leg, (...) He has received an infusion of life, in body and mind."

(...) my father had no need of medical attention. He simply sat up, rubbed his eyes, and muttered one word: 'Angeline.'"

So now Holly's magic apparently healed everything but the lost leg? What?

I love the Artemis Fowl books, but I will always be a little frustrated with their inconsistencies. But you know what? It's great for giving yourself permission to play around with your headcanons. If Colfer changes what he wants when he wants, I certainly won't feel bad about doing it.

I'm going to go with the TAI and say that Tim was still in a really rough state after everything. Ignoring that supposedly his muscles were fine, he'd still have to learn how to walk on the prosthetic. And tbh, I'm just going to believe that his muscles weren't magically perfect. Maybe easier to build back than they would have been without the magical infusion, but there was definitely gonna be work involved. And that's ignoring probable mental trauma. He was in a coma for a large portion of his captivity, but there was a brief period of time where he was conscious, with captors that maybe couldn't kill him, but definitely didn't treat him well (though it sounds like he was being a difficult captive, but yeah, of course, he's a Fowl lol.)

(Detour Thought: My mental picture of Artemis Senior has always involved heavy facial scarring, especially on the side of his face where the damage was apparently bad enough to blind him.)

But to get back to your original inquiry (Jesus, Blue, I am so sorry at how badly I've dragged this out) I do like to think there would be a period of recovery and restructure that would involve the Fowls getting to be a happy family together. Great potential for a hurt/comfort fic, if you ask me.

--

I'm going to be frank, (and this opinion puts me at odds with the fandom at large, I know) - from my interpretations of the books overall, while Artemis certainly had a strict upbringing with parents who were usually busy and definitely irresponsible, I never got the sense that it was a loveless childhood. Nor did I ever get the sense that Artemis feared his father as a person, but rather that he feared disappointing him, which at no point are we told ever actually happened. I've read these books a million times, I've never found anything in them suggesting Artemis ever disappointed his father, nor that Tim was ever actually cruel to Artemis. Strict, yes. Overly formal? Definitely. But not cruel.

Now, the fact that he felt he had to jump through so many hoops to maintain his father's approval? Bad parenting, Tim. Also, don't encourage him to be a criminal mastermind, maybe. But also Artemis is an over-achiever by nature, which Tim just either didn't clue in on or more likely imo, thought it was in Artemis' best interests as an heir of a criminal empire to be that way.

Aside from Tim and Angeline later suggesting he try to be more 'normal' and let go of his criminal tendencies, and that one incident of Angeline pulling a guilt trip (all of which is a whole other thing I won't get into rn), Artemis' parents speak positively to and about him. I just honestly think they don't know how to be actual parents, which, being aristocrats, tracks. They function almost more like older siblings after TAI, really, which isn't exactly great, but it could be worse.

We know his father used to read to him regularly when he was little (ending with a kiss on the head, which I always thought was sweet) and we know that Angeline was always warm and available to him whenever possible (until her grief-stricken dementia set in.) Artemis has a moment of angst at how strict/formal his upbringing was compared to the twins, but overall he generally speaks positively of his parents, and he loved and missed them enough to risk his life several times for them. Even when he's frustrated by their joined presence making it harder for him to conduct criminal activities, he still misses them and thinks about them often when he's away from them.

--

Which yeah, that's what this all boils down to for me. Artemis just wants time with both of his parents, and Artemis Sr.'s recovery, in my headcannon, would absolutely allow for that time he so desperately wanted, deep down. Assisting in the physical recovery, using the down time to really talk and catch up (without mentioning his fairy adventures, of course.) It would be a drastic change and awkward to adjust to initially, but overall I think it would be good.

And as for Tim and Angeline? I think there would be of course the joy of being reunited with the love of your life, because Tim and Angeline are absolutely soul-mates. But I also imagine there were many, many conversations of regrets and questioning how to move forward as a family from this point. Angeline seems to defer to Tim as the one who makes decisions for the family as a whole, but she isn’t afraid to give her input. I bet they were scared, in a way, because not only has everything changed, but the future is uncertain. They have to restructure their whole life, and while overall the changes are positive, they’re not going to be easy.

I also feel like it would be difficult for Angeline in particular because while Tim returning is a joyful thing, she now probably has some self doubts. Why did she fall apart so tremendously, at the expense of not only her well being, but her son’s? While she isn’t the best parent, I imagine Angeline will always carry heartache about her time in the attic and how she forgot her own son. And to an extent I bet Tim does too, because it was his disappearance that triggered it.

And now I want to write a fic about all of this, which I guess I'll add to my pile of ideas I've been playing around with.

–

I'd definitely like to hear more thoughts on the matter from you if you have them!

[cassianstattoo]

HAPPY ACOSF RELEASE DAY!

(ACOSF SPOILERS AHEAD) ARE YOU EXCITED?

I personally am. It’s time for Nesta’s story (and not just hers) to be told. So, this leads to another thing I think (and hope) you’ve been waiting for.

LET’S EXPLAIN THE PLAYLIST! (Read every song’s meaning while or after reading the book) And thank you for all your love and support.

“Alone” by Melancholia: It describes the Cauldron scene at the beginning of the book. In this song you can feel the rage and how hard she’s struggling. This song is not about weakness. It’s about her strength.

“Impossible” by James Arthur: Chapter 1. Even if it’s not so clear in this chapter, I think this song represents how Cassian feels when Nesta’s around. He feels worthless and not so different from the other men she beds (as he thought in ACOFAS). He lost his hope of an happy future with the woman he loves and he feels like he’s breaking that last promise she made her. Everything just seems so impossible.

“Sister” by The Black Keys: Chapter 2. This just makes me think of Feyre and Nesta’s fight. It’s from Feyre’s pov.

“New House” by Toro y Moi: “I want a brand new house Something I can not buy, something I can afford I just want a long shower I been feeling so crowded” Chapter 3. It’s about Nesta settling down in the House of Wind. It’s not the place she feels she can call “home”. First of all, it’s not really hers. The last two sentences of this verse are about her breathing and trying to calm herself at the end of the chapter. She’s just tired.

“My Mother & I” by Lucy Dacus: Chapter 4. The whole song is about Nesta and the relationship with her mother when she was a child. I think there’s nothing else to say. Also, in the 1st Chapter it says that she’s born in spring, so the song talks about a girl who was born in May. It all fits.

“Teacher’s Pet” by Melanie Martinez”: “Teacher’s pet If I’m so special, why am I secret? Yeah, why the fuck is that? Do you regret The things we shared that I’ll never forget? Well, do you? Tell me that I know I’m young, but my mind is well beyond my years I knew this wouldn’t last, but fuck you, don’t you leave me here” Chapter 5 and 6. Nesta and Cassian’s first day of training together. She basically doesn’t want to act like she’s his pet and she’s got to do whatever he want just to respect her sister’s will.

“Dangerous Man” by Valley Of Wolves: “They say I’m a wanted man Holding line and break the fire I’m setting all the captives free But I’m hanging by a wire” Chapter 7. It’s about Eris and his double-cross. That’s how probably Cassian pictures Eris in his mind tbh.

“Control” by Halsey: Chapter 8. Nesta facing the stairs. It can be linked to other chapters too because if you take this song as a whole and not just a few verses, it really contains A LOT of things. For example, the line “The House was awake”. Also Chapter 9, when people start calling their children. You can find this moment in the song when it says “All the kids cried out ‘please stop, you’re scaring me”.

“Bookstore Girl” by Charlie Burg: Chapter 9. The bookstore girl is Gwyn and Nesta tries to know more about her.

“Wrong Direction” by Hailee Steinfeld: “I don’t hate you” Chapter 12. This song is about the chapter’s ending.

“You’ve Got a Friend In Me” by Cavetown: Chapter 13. Nesta and Gwyn’s interaction. Also, Nesta helping her.

“like that” by Bea Miller: Chapter 16. Nesta and Cassian’s tension is hilarious, but this song makes me thing about this scene so much.

“Queen” by Shawn Mendes: Chapter 17. Elain fighting with Nesta. This lyrics is so powerful. The first part is Elain talking to Nesta. The second part is Nesta talking to Elain.

“You’ll Follow Me Down” by Skunk Anansie: Chapter 17. Same scene. This is totally Nesta. She’s so scared of herself and of the world that surrounds her. She’s afraid to lose her sister in this world she still knows nothing about if not violence. She wants Elain by her side, even if it means dragging her down with her.

“Teeth” by 5 Seconds of Summer: Chapters 18/19. I like to call it “THE chapter”. Do you need me to explain why I chose this song? Um, I don’t think so. You know it.

“Only You” by Ellie Goulding: “Baby I’m on my knees” Chapter 22. He’s... returning the favor.

“Revolution” by Diplo, Faustix, Imanos, Kai: Chapter 24. Our girl Nesta knows what she’s doing. What she’s starting.

“Best Friend for Hire” by Anthony Amorim: Chapter 25. The whole song is about Nesta and Emerie’s interaction. Everytime I listen to it I can’t help but cry.

“Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue)” by Hozier: Chapter 26.  Nesta’s worried about Cassian and gives him relief.

“Rise Up” by Andra Day: Chapters 27/28. These three girls are going to rise up, bitches.

“Nina Cried Power” by Hozier, Mavie Staples: Chapter 29. This song is really powerful, just like Nesta. She always is, but in this chapter we learn HOW MUCH.

“Fix Me Now” by Garbage: “Bring me back to life (fix me now) Kiss me blind” Chapter 31. THAT scene. HE HEATED UP THE WHOLE ROOM Y’ALL. Cassian literally kissed her back to life.

“Ready or Not” by Fugees: Chapters 34/35/36. I can’t choose only one quote from this song. But can you hear its vibes? Nesta’s leading a dead army. This is THE power. 

“PILLOWTALK” by ZAYN: Chapter 37. *wink* This song says everything.

“Go Fuck Yourself” by Two Feet: Always chapter 37. I couldn’t choose just one song, you know. Also, lowkey Chapter 38.

“Never Again” by Breaking Benjamin: “Never again, never again Time will ot take the life from me” Chapter 38′s ending. All I can say is: NEVER AGAIN.

“Boy In The Bubble” by Alec Benjamin: Not linked to just one chapter. It makes me thing of Azriel a lot.

“Past Lives” by BØRNS: “I've got the strangest feeling This isn't our first time around Past lives couldn't ever come between us Some time the dreamers finally wake up Don't wake me I'm not dreaming“ Chapter 39. Gwyn and Azriel. Well, these lines are about them, but I think the rest of the song represents Elain and Azriel, too. I don’t know if you feel the same.

“Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day: THIS IS AZRIEL’S SONG. YOU CAN’T TELL ME OTHERWISE.

“Watch Me While I Bloom” by Hayley Williams: Chapter 41. Nesta teaching Cassian how to treat a woman. She’s got big dick energy ayeee

“R U Mine?” by Arctic Monkeys: Still chapter 41. Cassian taking control of the situation. This song just screams “dominant” lmao.

“Walls Could Talk” by Halsey: So Halsey once said “The House was awake” (Control). What if those Walls Could Talk? Like, poor thing. It could have a mental breakdown. This song is dedicated to the House of Wind ‘cause it needs respect. It’s alive. Just imagine how’d you feel watching non-stop those two fucking and fighting. Also Azriel, you’re loved.

“Despicable” by grandson: “If I were you I wouldn’t love me neither” Chapter 43. Tamlin deserves a song, too.

“Part Of Me” by Katy Perry: Chapters 45/46. It’s all SO chaotic. This song means a lot of things. They all lied to her, but this song is particularly about Nesta and Amren’s fight. In my opinion, she did the right think telling Feyre the truth ‘cause she deserved to know, but it just wasn’t the right time and space.

“Don’t Give Up On Me” by Andy Grammer: Chapter 47. Cassian’s going to take care of Nesta. She made a mistake but she knows here better than anyone. He won’t give up on her.

“There You Are” by ZAYN: Chapter 50. Cassian comforts Nesta when she finally explodes. He’s there for her with open arms.

“You Found Me” by The Fray: Still Chapter 50. This chapter was so hard to read and this is another song that can describe it best.

“Locked Out Of Heaven” by Bruno Mars: Chapter 51. Illyrian bat boys just love flat objects. I see.

“Thin White Lies” by 5 Seconds of Summer: Chapter 51. Yeah, still thinking about that desk.

“Chosen Family” by Rina Sawayama: Still Chapter 51. This song is wholly dedicated to Nesta’s new found family. Not only Gwyn and Emerie, but also Cassian.

“Library Magic” by The Head And The Heart: Chapter 52. Listen to this song and read the scene at the beginning of the chapter.

“Battle Cry” by Imagine Dragons: Chapter 54. I know it’s weird but I feel this song talks about Lanthys and Nesta’s fight.

“Hurt” by Christina Aguilera: Chapter 55. Nesta takes Cassian to the place she lived with her family in the mortal lands. It’s dirty and broken now but it’s still there. Nes talks about her father and realizes how much he’s done for her and her sisters.

“Story Of Another Us” by 5 Seconds of Summer: Chapter 56. I know this sounds like a sad song but to me it represents Gwyn’s present. The story of their past (of another “them”) and also their present.

“Drama Club” by Melanie Martinez: Chapter 57. Eris vibes, y’all. I know you can feel them. Everytime I listen to this song I can’t help but thinking of him. So the only thing I can tell you is: listen carefully.

“Genius” by Sia, Diplo, Labrinth: Chapter 57. Hear this song. It just makes me think of a ballroom where two people try to talk to other people and they’re avoiding to make eye contact. And they fail (yeah, those people are Cassian and Nesta btw)

“Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish: Chapter 57. Still about Eris, but also Cassian. They can’t stand each other. So imagine the astronomical energy (inside of this bus lmfao) when Nesta comes in between.

“All About Us” by He Is We, Owl City: Chapter 57. Nessian dancing.

“Rock Bottom” by Hailee Steinfeld ft. DNCE: Chapter 58. This song is SO accurate. This is the moment I realized “That’s it. I think I can die happy now” and then I started crying. Nesta just thinking she’s not enough and she deserves to be with someone as ugly as she thinks she is. Cassian is like “shut the hell up, woman” and yeah. That’s the kind of energy and conversation I was waiting for.

“Stop Crying Your Heart Out” by Oasis: Chapter 58. Their life becomes brighter. They have to stop crying their heart out because of their fears and the emotions they keep trying to hide. They need to feel free and express all the love they can give to each other.

“Fade Into You” by Nashville Cast, Sam Palladio, Clare Bowen: Chapter 58. Finally the truth comes out and everything becomes real. Even if the song is pretty sad, the lyrics is just SO accurate and it describes the scene perfectly.

“I Miss You” by Adele: Chapter 59. Basically Nesta feeling needy ‘cause she doesn’t see Cassian for days, but it’s more than that. Pay attention to the depth of the song. It shakes you. And that’s what Nesta feels when she thinks of Nesta.

“Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera: Chapter 59/61. I want to dedicate it to my favorite girls in this book: Nesta, Emerie and Gwyn. They’ve been through a lot but they also learnt to face their fears. And they realized that unity is strength.

“Smile” by Uncle Kracker: Chapter 62. Cassian’s sooo happy to be with Nesta it breaks my heart. And his own too.

“Broken Pieces” by 5 Seconds of Summer: Chapter 62. Aaand here we go again. Cassian just wants Nesta to give him the chance to be happy with her.

“Carried Away” by H.E.R.: Chapter 62. Nesta thinks they got too carried away and now they’re at a point of no return. She opened herself to him too much. It’s not like she regrets this but she understands that now everything’s too real and changing. She doesn’t feel ready.

"What’s Up?” by 4 Non Blondes: Ending of Chapter 63. Okay, I’ll make you laugh but this is me after reading it. I needed to put a song about how I felt when I read this freaking ending, after all the devastation Chapter 62 brought into my heart. And the fact that Nesta’s 25 and the first line begins with “25 years”... I DIED. Also I think of her just screaming to the word “WHAT’S GOING ON?!”.

“Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves” by Eurythmics ft. Aretha Franklin: Chapters 64/65/66. DO I NEED TO DESCRIBE IT? NAH, I DON’T THINK SO. THESE GIRLS ARE POWERFUL, STRONG AND SMART AS HELL.

“Run The World (Girls)” by Beyoncé Chapters 67/68/69/70. The girls want to win and they’re going to conquer everything with no mercy.

“Puppets” by Depeche Mode: Chapter 71. Eris impotence t is heartbreaking.

“Warriors” by Imagine Dragons: This song is for every character. It’s about Nesta, Emerie and Gwyn, but also Cassian, Azriel and Eris. They’re fighting different battles and they’re doing it with every ounce of power they have.

“Emperor’s New Clothes” by Panic! At The Disco: Chapter 74. Nesta kicking Briallyn’s ass.

“Survivor” by Destiny’s Child: This song is dedicated to Emerie and Gwyn. They spent all their lives learning how to survive. At the end, they finally won.

“Set Fire to the Rain” by Adele: THE Nessian Anthem. I put this here ‘cause FINALLY they’re endgame. But something bad’s about to happen...

“Cancer” by My Chemical Romance: Chapter 76. This chapter’s been the hardest one to face. I had to put the book down for a minute and breathe. I know this song made you panic and ow you know why I chose it. I can’t stop crying thinking about Feyre in those conditions and all the IC and her sisters surrounding her. I’m still so heartbroken.

“You Saved Me” by Skunk Anansie: Chapter 77. Nesta cares about Feyre. She’s her little sister and she just can’t let her die like that. She gave her a happy ending even if Nes had to lose almost every ounce of power she had and learned to accept. But they’re worthless in comparison with her sisters life. She just loves them both. She’d do anything for them and this scene proves it.

“Lean on Me” by Bill Withers: This song is about friendship and sisterhood. Nesta’s relationship with Gwyn and Emerie, but also with Feyre and Elain (and lowkey Rhys). Also, I dedicate it to little Nyx, too. They all love you, babyboy, and would do anything for you. Welcome to this chaotic world, kid!

“Sorry” by Halsey: Chapter 78. These are not explicit apologies. Nesta doesn’t need to say “sorry” vocally. She already demonstrated it. Her actions speak louder than words and her sister know it. This song is not about a “romantic lover” but a “person who loves” and they all love too much and strongly.

“Amazing” by Aerosmith: WE FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT. This is the happy ending they deserve (but the cliffhanger is killing me tbh). It’s about everyone in this book. I put it in the playlist ‘cause at first I thought it could refer to Azriel and Cassian. But the more i listened to it, the more I realized it just describes every single character.

“The Reason” by Hoobastank↓

“this is me trying” by Taylor Swift: Both the songs refer to Chapter 80. Nesta visiting her father’s grave is one of the first steps to finally go on. The songs represent what she really wants to tell her father. He’s the reason to start over. And she’s trying. Even if she made mistakes she’s ready to fight for the happiness and love she denied herself years and now she knows she deserves it.

[chateautae]

I for duck's sake need help people.....see, I would be very pleased if anyone of you would just help me out....the thing is, I have been in a relationship for like around 3 years and trust me, he is like the most perfect kinda person I have ever met..but now comes the main issue, he has till now, never ever hinted me about doing anything ( the max. we have went is uk till just a little makeout types, ik spoiling my sex life like this sucks but that's why I am going anonymous and I think some of you might have experienced it ig, don't take me wrong, I mean like uk). The good thing is, we both are understanding and extremely working persons (he works as a employee in a business firm and I am a newbie doctor (kinda just started my practice as a doctor)....and even though I am a doctor and that having sex is like a normal thing because we literally studies everything, I still freak out upon thinking about doing it with him....it's not like I am scared or anything but I just want some uk girl tips upon how to actually do it....reading about it is quite, tbh, okay for me, but then doing it is like, a difficult task....i bet you he knows about everything and that's why he hasn't hinted upon anything but like from the past 1 week, he jas been dropping kinda hints ig.....like I won't go into the details, otherwise I would be hella embarrassed, not that I am not right now, I am literally sitting in the washroom typing this ( don't judge me)....while reading about it, it feels so easy to execute everything but then when doing it in real life is like so much like wierd ig....I mean how do I respond to it.....I am nervous and what not.....as 25yo, I sometimes feel wierd that I can't uk do it......can anyone of you just help me please......like some girl tips.....I searched it on Google too, still I don't have the courage.....amd moreover, my friends circle is so wierd amd plus, I am too shy to ask anyone.....ik asking this in such a way and place is way too inappropriate to be even considered normal....it's not like I am not ready for it, it's just I am quite nervous about how to do it.....tbh, he hasn't forced me even once still remained to be sweet and all but internally we noth know, we might wanna step up.....HELP PLZ.....my mom is way too conservative to even have an open conversation about kisses let alone doing it....

Oh hun, you are completely and tOTALLY allowed to come to this blog for any advice and not feel ashamed. This is an 18+ blog and anyone here would be so glad to help you, something like this is totally normal!! I shall leave my words under the cut, though if anyone else would like to help this lovely anon please do not hesitate to drop off a reply or even something in my inbox! I'll answer right away to help anyone wondering the same thing 💓

Alright hun, first and foremost I am so happy your relationship has been so strong! And I'm glad you're with someone who hasn't pushed you or anything into doing anything sexual yet, I'll tell you from experience that can be extremely daunting and uncomfy so I'm super relieved your man has been sweet!!

In terms of real advice, tbh I'm quite the wrong person to go to. I lost my v-card with my first boyfriend when I was 16, literally we were both inexperienced and even the times we did you know, do the deed it was very clumsy and nobody knew what they were doing, and the second person I've been with was a Kiseok situation (if you read maybe I do, yes Kiseok is based on a real person in my life) so fuck that dude. But maybe my own inexperience can also help you out, here are at least some lady tips I can think of:

1. Make sure you're comfortable. I say comfortable instead of ready because I'm quite the believer in if you wait until the moment you're ready, you'll wait your entire life. So my best advice is to make sure you're comfy with the situation and your partner!!

2. Ensure your partner is someone who cares about you. I know everyone's stories are different, and not everyone has sex with someone they've been with for a long time or even love, one night stands are totally okay and I salute you sister. get that dick!!! But even in situations where you're with a stranger, sex is a very intimate thing, and it would make your experience 1000x better if you can at least tell the person cares about you and your body and your wishes during sex. Everyone deserves to be respected during an intimate act like sex and if you feel you're not being respected, whether it's your body, your wishes, your limits, your choices, do not feel obligated to still go through with this person.

3. You have to be wet. Of course not all sexual encounters happen the same way, and every female gets off on different things or turned on by a variety of actions, but essentially you have to be wet for sex. Most men understand this but a lot also don't, basically you gotta get into that juicy foreplay to get wet my girl. Try making out, maybe if you're sitting down swing a leg over his lap and bam you're straddling him. This position is usually optimal because you gain the opportunity to grind against yo man's crotch and my fucking God, does that shit feel hella nice. It's also highkey ego-boosting feeling how much the guy's getting worked up because literally anytime you grind or move over their crotch it immediately spikes to their dick and you can usually feel them against you. If you're standing, try moving to an area that has a wall and keep grabbing at your man's neck, usually men naturally will indicate you to jump and you'll easily be all up against the wall making out, this gets hella fun too cause being carried like that is so 😩

3.2. Okay cool, we're making out, now it's essentially a game of go with the flow. Men usually take the initiative and begin the escalation of things on their own. Maybe he'll start kissing down your neck, his hands are gonna be somewhere at your waist, maybe inching down to your ass or maybe he's an ass guy and he's already palming at yo cheeks. Regardless, I can confidently say you can sit back and relax, let yourself feel, get into the kissing and grinding and if you love the way he's touching you, make some noise and let him know, don't be afraid to be turned on and goddamn horny, dudes love that shit. You however are also allowed to take the wheel, and guys usually search for the greenlight from girls by sensing their movements and how eager they seem for the go-ahead on anything. If maybe you begin tugging at his clothes, they'll usually think "okay, she's okay with this rn" and so on. This part's sincerely just go with the flow, you don't need to rush and honestly the more foreplay the better for getting your puthy wet. Make sure you're comfy and your partner makes sure you're okay with that they're doing to you.

3.3. Whoop dee doo your man's hands are suddenly going, you know, places. Another case of go with the flow, if you're comfortable with your man wanting to do a lil rubby dubby on your kitty then totally let him, this shit feel's god-like I tell you. Maybe I'm just a sensitive ass whore, who knows but something about feeling a man's hands do what your lady fingers can't just HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But essentially from here maybe you wanna reciprocate. Get them pesky pants open and feel your man up. Reach inside those boxers and touch that beast he's hiding inside. Make sure to go nice and slow and your hands aren't rough, men's dick are super sensitive and if you go too hard on at least a dry dick it acc hurts them. Men usually leak pre-cum at their tips so try using some of that to slick up your hand.

3.4. That's handjobbing, now if we're getting into oral, very important things to remember. A) retract your teeth, it's hard and it hurts to do it for a long time but teeth will hurt dudes a lot so suck them in and away from their cocks. B) Hollow your cheeks, men like the tightness of a mouth and that's what really gets them going. C) BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE PLEASE DO NOT JUST STOP BREATHING AND TAKE YOUR TIME OKAY BLOWJOBS ARE ACC VERY FUCKING HARD AND FUCK YOU UP especially for someone like me who has a small mouth, yeah that shit sUCKS but nothing is more beautiful than seeing a man fold under your touch. D) Tease yo man a bit, kitten licks and kisses, dragging your tongue over his slit, maybe a pump and then take him out, slick him up with some saliva maybe, anything you feel like doing go ahead girl, that dick is yours for the time being and I promise he'll love it. E) Deep-throating is really when gets guys going cause they only acc feel shit at their tips, so please deep-throat with caution, and take your time if he's a big one, you can acc really hurt yourself especially if you're constantly deep-throating a really big one. F) Go to town girl, get up and bobbing, go down on him like he can't survive without you, go at your own pace and own it. G) Balls usually go neglected and I promise if you even fondle them or grab at them your man will combust.

3.5. Okay so with actual sex, FIRST OF ALL BE SAFE!!!! USE A FUCKING CONDOM, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE THEN DON'T FUCK BUT IF YOU'RE STILL HORNY THEN PLEASE RECIEVE SOME MONEY FROM YO MAN FOR PLAN B!!! IT'S NOT ENTIRELY FOOLPROOF THOUGH PLEASE REMEMBER THAT RISK. You can totally go on birth control too but this has its complications, there are also monthly shots you can take and other contraceptives.

3.6. Okay it's sexy times, this is just gonna have to be a thing for you. Everyone's different and has different comfort levels, maybe you can take someone that’s bigger while some women can't and that's fine. Just make sure when he does go in, you feel okay with it. It will hurt if you’re dry and not wet, like hurt a lOT but if you do feel loads of pain just let your partner know to go slower, and let yourself get used to the feeling of something inside. You can always say stop if it hurts too much, seriously it's normal and that's what I did with my first boyfriend. Hell I fucking kicked my ex off me LMAO and he was so sorry and we just ended everything there, and had actual sex the next time I visited him. From here on I've really got no lady tips, essentially it's up to you what you like and what you'll do, get it on!!!

General Tips:

4. Be you, and be confident. I know sex can be really daunting especially when you consider men usually tend to be more experienced, and maybe you become afraid you won't measure up or be as good as his previous partners or you’re not good at sex, but baby girl it ain't about that. This dude is going to have sex with you because he wants to have sex with you, and whether that's his dick speaking for him or his heart, it means he will not be thinking about some other  chick he got it on with a year ago, he will be thinking of you and your pretty mouth and what you're doing, focused on touching your body and thinking he loves the way it feels. The more confident you are, the better. You're sexy and pretty and you are desirable babes, let those noises he makes when you touch him drive your confidence, the way he groans a little when you do something, the way he's tugging your body close to yours cause he wants to feel you, it all means he wants you and that's hot, let it boost your lady ego my love. You're allowed to be shy, I totally understand that, and if your partner really cares about you then they'll easily take your hand and guide you through it. Let them know you're a little nervous, and they'll really try to make things more comfy and easier for you because sex is about both parties, not just one.

5. Orgasming is hard, but it's still achievable. Especially in an open, established relationship, really let your man know what turns you on. Let him feel at your cooch while he's penetrating you and I promise that can usually get you orgasming. Other than that, another huge case of doing what you need to do to get yourself off, and always let your partner know. If you’re really searching for an orgasm in a newer relationship or if you’re too shy to say something, then literally just take your man’s hand and place him over your clit and start rubbing with him, he’ll get the hint and start doing it himself. 

6. Communication is key. This is obvious, but even if it's dirty talk, usually it's still a way to communicate and see if you're okay. You can ask to go slower, faster, softer, harder, stop altogether or entirely wreck your goddamn shit. Your partner should listen and if they don't, get the fuck out of there and leave that man, he don't fucking deserve you at all, especially in situations where you ask to stop or to slow down cause maybe something hurts, if he doesn't listen here then no, he don't deserve shit and LEAVE. Don't be afraid to make noise either or say something, dudes usually love hearing you. If you don’t like something please let your partner know, I’m sure they’re wondering if you do and would love to hear you communicating. 

7. Be clean after you're done woo-hoo-ing. Make sure you're tidy and stuff before putting clothes back on, sex can get messy especially if it's your first time you can bleed. Usually if the dude is a sweetheart enough they'll clean you, which is obviously aftercare uwu.

8. Pee after sex, UTI's are not fun. 

9. Your body may also feel weird or go through changes after you have sex for the first time, but that’s normal. Just you body’s response to feeling something foreign inside you. 

10. Ladies, remembering during sex that you have power, IT’S YOUR BODY!!!! Whether it’s because you’re totally domming or because your man is super duper sweet and will not do anything unless you want it, sex is meant to be fun and for both parties’ enjoyment. It’s not a chore nor is it something you HAVE to do to keep your man around or something, let yourself have fun girl, you deserve it. The flow of sex and any activities as such are usually dictated by you and what you want, so remember you don’t have to go through with something if you don’t want to. It shouldn’t matter if a dude really badly wants to get his dick wet, this is your body and you are to decide what happens to it. If a man makes you believe otherwise, FUCK THAT DUDE!!!! HE DON’T DESERVE YOU!!! YOU DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT AND TO BE CARED FOR AS A HUMAN BEING!!

[rhydium]

fuck it starfinite drabble

its 12pm n i haven't slept, @ the two (2) other fans of these dumbasses come get yall juice ig ???? played around w/ a concept i had n figured i'll just ... post it. why not. this takes place in my android infinite au, pre-relationship!! u don't rly need context other than that tbh ((but feel free to ask me abt it i will gladly infodump))

cw: loss of limb (infinite's arm; it gets reattached), references to blood n stuff in the context of intrusive thoughts. please lmk if i need more!!

×

"what on earth were you thinking?" starline near shouts, his voice exasperated, shaky with adrenaline. he's angry and he's afraid and it's, it's stupid, really, he can fix this, but his hands tremble as he rummages through his toolbox, eyes darting over to infinite; missing their right arm, wires sparking, broken and it's sickening. he has to look away again. breathe.

"you can't keep... you — you're being too reckless!"

"i don't have much other choice." infinite says, so simply, so infuriatingly calm, so calm, such disregard for the fact they just had a limb blown off.

starline finds the last screwdriver he needs, but continues to sift around, poking and prodding and inspecting wrenches as if he's still looking for something. if he stops that means having to face this and he isn't ready — he needs to, but he can't.

"why?" he asks, ignoring the way his voice cracks, swallows the dry lump in his throat, "why, infinite?"

"is it really not obvious?"

starline grits his teeth, squeezes his eyes shut. his hands grip the edge of the box. "no!! it isn't!"

"i can be repaired. rebuilt. you can't. it's not that complicated. if one of us gets hit then logically it should be me."

his chest seizes as the words sink in, sink through his skin and down, down, down into his stomach like a stone; his gut churns and twists with guilt.

no... no, that's —

"that's stupid!" starline hisses. that self-sacrificing, idiotic...!

he whips around, locking eyes with infinite, don't look at their arm, don't look at it, don't look at the socket.

"don't speak like that. ever again."

whether it's his expression, his tone, infinite seems taken aback, almost appearing to flinch. they stare at him, frowning, though in a way more indicative of confusion than anger.

"like what?"

"like you're disposable!!"

...fuck.

there's a long moment of silence after starline's outburst. he pulls in a deep breath, pinches the bridge of his bill, averting his eyes to the floor, anywhere else, anywhere but infinite. he thinks about apologising — he shouldn't have yelled like that — but infinite is, this can't continue, they're being nonsensical, they keep endangering themselves, it can't.

"i... you just don't get it, do you?" he murmurs, shaking his head, running a hand through his hair. a small, strained laugh escapes his throat, voice thin. "do you have any idea how it makes me feel, watching you get hurt like this?? throwing yourself around like some kind of — like a living shield??"

he's not going to cry. starline is not about to cry.

"you... could have died." infinite says quietly. "all those times, and today, if i hadn't stepped in — for you those blows would have been life changing, if not fucking fatal. do you know how that makes me feel, star?! i can't let that happen. it's so easy to just, imagine you laying there, not moving, the blood, and..." their fingers — god, the ones they still have — twitch restlessly. infinite picks at their claws.

starline can hardly restrain the choked noise that fights its way out of him.

they're doing this for him, to protect him, this is all his —

"it's not your fault." infinite speaks firmly, as if sensing his thought process. "but objectively..." they wave a hand, sighing, "you know? this doesn't even hurt me."

"it hurts me." starline exhales through his nose wearily. "emotionally."

"i'd rather you be a bit emotionally distressed than dead," infinite scoffs softly, "let me repeat; the damage i take isn't permanent or painful. you, on the other hand, are one accident from being... i don't even want to imagine it."

"then what am i supposed to do?!"

"be more careful and i won't have to get involved." infinite shrugs.

starline groans.

"why does it bother you so much?"

"are you kidding?!"

the lack of response would point toward no, apparently.

"because i care about you, you absolute fool!"

infinite falters for a moment.

"...but. i'm not in pain. i can be fixed. what are you afraid of?"

starline gazes at them wordlessly.

i'm afraid one day i won't be able to fix you.

i'm afraid i'm going to lose you.

i'm terrified of losing you because i love you but you don't know that and you can't know that.

"...star?"

"i — look, forget it. i just, i don't want to talk about this anymore, i need to repair your arm."

"you're hiding something."

"aren't you perceptive..." starline can't help but mutter.

"are you okay?"

does it look like it?

"i'm fine."

"could at least put a little effort into it if you're going to lie." infinite mumbles.

"would you just...!" starline takes a deep breath. "be quiet. please."

infinite briefly opens their mouth as if preparing to protest, but ultimately falls silent. they look away, absently staring off at the far window.

starline grabs his tools. he just... has to focus on work. this will probably take a while, he realises. it's easily the most damage infinite has ever taken — at least during their time with him. he's worked with robotics a long time, but infinite is a highly advanced android, and they require extra care, presicion.

infinite's shoulder sparks again. they don't react.

"...you really don't feel anything, do you?"

infinite raises a brow.

oh. right. i told them not to talk.

they shake their head, and starline nods, uttering a quiet "sorry."

no reply.

"can i... start the repair?"

"...you're not just going to go ahead and do it?"

"no. never. listen, i've made habit of asking for your consent and i have no intention of breaking it. it's your body."

"...i don't mind."

"alright."

starline supresses a sigh and begins to tackle the rather daunting task of fixing up and reattaching infinite's lost arm, which has been laying motionless on the table for the past ten minutes. despite the lack of blood, absence of stench, as would be had if infinite was organic, it's still disturbing somehow. he shivers at the thought of dealing with dismembered flesh, of muscle and bone, and finds himself suddenly a lot more appreciative that infinite is an artificial being.

despite the knowledge infinite can't actually feel any of what he's doing, starline proceeds slowly, gently. regardless of whether they can feel it, their body deserves to be treated with respect. he fiddles with their wires delicately between his fingers, turns bolts and adjusts joints with only as much firmness as necessary, apologises when he has to snap certain supports back into place. now and then, he glances at infinite, who looks oddly tense, contemplative... uncertain.

"are you... uncomfortable?"

"what...? no, i... i told you i can't feel it, didn't i?" they say distantly.

"well — yes, but, what about mentally? are you alright...? do you want me to stop? i'm sorry that these procedures are so... invasive, and it probably, after —"

— no, no, what are you doing don't bring that up —

"...ah. nevermind."

infinite blinks, as if processing his words, and then their expression shifts in understanding.

"you're fine. i mean, this is.... i'm fine." they affirm.

"...okay."

"i mean it. it's... you're nothing like him."

there was once a time starline would have found such a statement insulting. nowadays, he can't be more relieved infinite thinks as such. he adjusts his glasses and continues tinkering away, figuring he won't get much else out of them, at least for now. whatever is on their mind, he'll let it be. the rest of the repair goes smoothly, time passing in a silence that is isn't uncomfortable, nor fully comfortable. he can't help but feel bad about the... was it an argument? he isn't sure, really. maybe that's what infinite was thinking about...?

as he wraps things up, closing the last panel on their forearm and preparing to request that infinite run through a few tests to make sure everything is working correctly, they finally speak; though it isn't anything starline was expecting them to say.

"you could destroy me," infinite utters softly, and they just kind of... look at him, something in their eyes that starline can't put a name to. "if you wanted to. you could rip me apart from the inside."

"i... guess i could." starline murmurs, his fingers lightly trailing over the panel, hidden beneath infinite's fur, the only sign of its existence being several small ridges and the bump of a screw head. "does that scare you?"

infinite smiles. "it's terrifying." they reply. "to allow myself to be so vulnerable... to — to want to let my guard down."

starline blinks in surprise.

to want to...? they want to let me in?

"then why...?" he tilts his head curiously. his hand stills, but lingers where it is.

infinite shrugs loosely. "it's you."

oh.

starline, don't you even think about it, that isn't what they mean...!

he clears his throat awkwardly.

"er... is that... supposed to explain it?"

"it's all i've got." infinite replies. the small quirk of their lips broadens a bit, and they chuckle. "sorry."

...starline finds himself smiling back.

god, he's tired, the past hour has been immeasurably draining, but... this, this makes it all worth it. seeing them like that... it lifts all the stress, the anxiety. he feels lighter.

"thank you."

"huh?"

"for trusting me. i know it... must take a lot."

infinite shifts their hand — the one that hadn't been damaged — and hesitantly, very slowly reaches over. they look between starline's hand still resting on their inner arm, just above the wrist, starline's eyes, his hand again, and starline goes to withdraw — but before he can do so, infinite places their own over it.

"thank you." they whisper. "for treating me kindly. for treating me like... a person."

starline's breath catches in his throat. oh god, he cannot mess this up. infinite never — they never initiate contact like this, ever. he can't scare them away, he knows it's difficult for them to be touched, let alone how much faith they're showing in him to touch, and he will not squander all their progress. nothing will ruin this moment.

"you are one."

"...i care about you too, star."

"i — what?"

"you said earlier that you cared about me. i care about you too," they elaborate, a flicker in their eyes, this time something starline recognises, as quickly as it's hidden again; fondness. a very specific kind of fondness that... no — he isn't sure if he's imagining this or not. he has to be. surely, he's making it up. wishful thinking, seeing what one wants to.

"...a lot. more than you know." infinite finishes.

starline gazes into their eyes steadily, searching, trying to find it again. infinite stares back, almost like they're looking for something, too. oh, how easy it would be; to lean down, move in, to kiss them, but starline is not going there. he has no confirmation infinite likes him like, well, that and, it would be far too fast even if they did. not to mention he certainly wouldn't do it without asking.

"...you're hiding something too, aren't you?" starline settles for asking vaguely.

infinite's eyes widen slightly, then glitter mysteriously, amused.

"aren't you perceptive?"

[lululawrence]

hiiii i was the mpreg!harry anon and i was wondering if you have super super super angsty recs and maybe harry having a lot of complications during birth or something?!! or even full out passing away or anything like that tbh

okay darling, i’m quite afraid that i’m going to disappoint with this rec lolllll i’ll be upfront and say that i have to stay away from most fics that have complications during pregnancy or during birth because of my own triggers and real life experiences, so the recs i have don’t feature that. i also defo cannot handle MCD, so i’m sorry!

now when it comes to super angsty mpreg? that i can try to help with. lol you prefer mpreg harry, so i’ll try to focus on that in here, but tbh the first angsty mpreg fics i thought of were mpreg louis fics.i might add one or two of those still, but the rest will be harry, promise. i also hope these are angsty enough for your liking, even without the birth complications and mcd haha here we go!

There Goes My Life by @mizzhydes / MsHydeStylinson - okay, i know i know, this is not what comes to mind when i think of angsty, okay? BUT it is mpreg harry AND there is the underlying fear of miscarriage along with an unplanned c-section so! because of that i’m still reccing it here. plus i fucking loved this fic, so. yeah. lol

I Think You're Already Home by @jaerie / jaerie - again, this one isn’t crazy angsty, at least not to do with the pregnancy. there’s plenty of angst and pining and hella smut, but there’s a surprise home-birth of sorts, loads of anxiety, the fact that harry is only a surrogate and going to have to give up the baby, etc etc etc so while the pregnancy itself isn’t angsty, there’s still a lot of angst and a lot of feelings that are in there that surround the whole thing, so 100% rec this one, i love it and i’m not just saying that cause jenna gifted it to me lol

Everything I need I get from you by @jaerie​ - okay, so in this one once again it’s mpreg harry and harry’s in a relationship with a neglectful dickhead. because of harry overworking himself and not having access to music, which in this a/b/o world contributes to people’s health, it means that harry’s not really in good health and he is incredibly concerned about his baby. so there’s the angst surrounding the situation harry is in and his health plus what to do about louis who is trying to help him, etc etc etc. it isn’t super angsty, but hot damn is it good.

Tightrope by @sadaveniren / SadaVeniren - so this is mpreg louis, but there are complications with the pregnancy! haha and a decent amount of angst surrounding it because of that. basically harry and louis are both full on dumbasses who had a fwb type situation when neither of them were dating someone, and louis accidentally gets pregnant off of it lollll it’s FAB and i love! 

Sisterwives by @jaerie​ - what can i say? jenna delivers on the angsty pregnancy shit lmao omega harry, omega louis, they’re sisterwives who are like... enemies to fragile friends to lovers, but they have to hide it from their alpha. there’s forced pregnancy, a pretty decent lack of medical care, they’re basically in a cult with like no money... there’s a lot of angst from outside situations while also discovering themselves and it’s a lot and i love it.

Say Something by @kingsofeverything - okay so i haven’t read this yet but i am SO excited to do so when i have a moment lol that said, lauren said she didn’t think it was that angsty, but she apparently doesn’t have a good gauge of that and the situation does seem like it could be angsty so i’ll throw it out there lmao harry’s 50 and a widower, louis is 28 (heh), they’re matched up by a heat/rut service, and harry accidentally get’s pregnant! WHOOPS

Falling For Me Won't Be A Mistake by @all-these-larrythings / Rearviewdreamer - this one i read awhile ago and i don’t remember the actual level of angst but i do remember crying a lot because i’d just had a baby and everything harry was going through just hit me so hard lollll so yeah anyway mpreg harry who is a doctor and as we all know, doctors are the worst patients, right? lol so he doesn’t really take care of himself the way he should and meanwhile louis just... can’t be found and he’s just... it’s so good. and the pain is good too. again, i don’t remember if the angst is high or if the angst has to do with the pregnancy physically, i don’t think it does outside of harry working himself too hard perhaps, but yeah. this was one of the first mpreg fics i ever read and it is STILL one of my favs.

I'm In Trouble Deep by Allthelivelonglarry, sammie4jones, Scrufflecake, and OrphanAccount - okay listen if you want angst, this is one hell of a ride haha! once again, i don’t remember the pregnancy itself being the angsty part, outside of everything harry has to deal with regarding it... it’s just all a lot. there’s so much harry is working through in so many ways and please read the tags first just to be sure you’re good haha but considering what you asked for, i’m guessing you are. ANYWAY. pain? check. mpreg harry? check. have at it, dear! haha

okay and that’s all i think i’ve got for you, i sure hope something here is new and fits the bill! i do fear that i am not able to actually give you the level of angst you’re wanting, but i did my best. happy reading!!

[ninja-bitch]

Hold up I just discovered you and saw that you like Kankuro ? I like him too! It's the first time I see someone who likes him, so maybe would you write hc for Kankuro confessing and maybe a little NSFW? Also I wanted to ask if you write for boruto era or if you only write till a certain point, lot of love! <3

YES ANON I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I’M GLAD SOME PEOPLE LIKE HIM TOO!!!

He is the superior brother Gaara who

I just like characters no one cares about in naruto tbh.

I’m kinda doing my own thing and I am deliberately choosing to ignore the events of Boruto and ignore most of canon too, to be honest I don’t even follow it. I’d say I stopped following around the end, like I only read some chapters. I didn’t really like it I’ll be honest. But I did watch those blank period thingy and liked them though. I am a huge fraud. I just like the characters.

I ended up writing some asshole kankuro HCs but y’know... I often get carried away. Hope you like it still <3 Thank you love

Kankuro confessing Hcs (slightly NSFW)

I feel like Kankuro would be the type to be friends with a person first. Or at least know them for awhile before he truly starts being interested. As in more than just lust, because I think he is a horny bitch.

BUT I also have this very vivid scenario where he’s just in some sort of love/hate relationship with someone he knows and it’s just how his pining translates. He is kind of an asshole to them like 24/7. And I’m going to talk about that because I have horrible tastes.

And I mean it. In that kind of scenario he would be a huge ass to them. He wouldn’t like others to be though. 

Has some nicer moments though and actually pays a lot of attention to them, what they like, where they like to go during their down time. Wouln’t show it much though. He might, he just might if he learns they’re facing some difficult time. He may also push too much at a bad time and it would end in a real argument or in them just not wanting to stay around him. So good job kankuro

He would just love this though, the whole I’m the only one that’s allowed to give you shit, but I’d kill anyone before they even tried.

Would love if they answered with the same...say...spite. Would love someone that could play that game. 

Now it could end with him both flirting and being a jackass to them I’ll be honest, they wouldn’t know what to think. Like he’s just flirting to get something out of them, to push them to their limits. If they like him, they may get hurt. 

He is not stupid though, he knows he is interested, he may just get a bit sweeter and try to get closer to them like that. Would still tease a lot.

He would get hurt himself if they talked shit about his puppets or his family. Now he’d fight them for real. 

Or just become far meaner and down to earth. Maybe even drop some hurtful truth in between it all. Sometimes he does that I think. 

He can get very harsh but often it ends up being a good thing. You’d have to have thick skin. Some people don’t work like that.

No but that’s got me thinking, he would give so much shit to a crush of his. Like he’d want them at their best and he would be the meanest bitch in town just to get them there. Very blunt too. 

Starting a relationship with him is complicated. 

Now all of that was dare I say, only the crush part, because if he were to seriously consider starting a relationship he’d have pretty contradictory standards. I said he’d like someone with verve and spite and someone that would play that same game and have thick skin. But he would hate if they were too immature. Which can be contradictory. He does have very serious moments and he wants to get with someone that isn’t too naive or just straight up an ass to be an ass. If that make sense. It’s an art he’s almost mastered, the balance between playing this kind of  jackass game, telling someone when they’re being straight up stupid and being a good, reliable and loving person to those he’s close to. I don’t know if I’m making any sense just roll with it. Also I want him to push me in the sand when I say some out of pocket shit 

Now a confession would happen during an argument, or because they scared him I think. He could also just take them on a date, without necessarily mentioning that it’s a date. Not nice Or he could just let it slip in a softer moment like I mentioned before....That would be the most embarrassing for him but he’d just go with it.

He could wait a long time before confessing too. Maybe even do it only after a third party picked up on all that shit and told him to get his act together. 

I think a confession might lead to sex. And I’m not saying that because you asked for maybe some NSFW. I do seriously think he’d be one to move pretty quickly once everything’s sorted out.

I think there would be a lot of tension and a lot of things that would need to be talked about later but he’d jump anyone then and there if they returned his feelings tbh. Like fan-fucking-nally we’re getting somewhere. He is horny and also he was sort of worried he’d get rejected. Because he knows he is difficult and an huge ass

A first time (not as in first time first time) with him like that would be pretty quick and hot and he would eat them out/suck them off, and make a point of pleasuring them to show that he is indeed good, give them another reason to stay. Maybe he’s afraid they’ll change their mind so sex is definitely his go to, to kinda reassure himself I think. Nah but this man has some fingers and tongue game i swear. and filthy mind too. Of course you’ll stay

After that he would still be kind of an asshole, be warned. 

I just described a whole scenario A SCENARIO I WANT TO BE A PART OF it could be a different though, definitely. I have several scenarios in mind lmao. Maybe I’m too thirsty for this dude bye

[cowboyshit]

twenty questions

tagged by: @dustofinsanity (thank you so much my dear!!!!!!)

what do you prefer to be called name-wise? honestly I’ll probably answer to most things as long as they aren’t mean. but ash, ashley, doe, those seem to be the solid three I’m known by around here when is your birthday? november 30th!  where do you live? in a tiny, backwoods cow-town smack dab in the middle of california three things you are doing right now? filling this questionnaire out, eating dinner I just finished cooking, and petting sadie with my foot since she’s curled up at my feet after she finished her dinner four fandoms that have peaked your interest. I guess I can go with four I’ve been heavily involved with, even though there’s plenty more than that since I’m a little fangirl at heart, but wrestling (obviously), black sails, the night shift, and pirates of the caribbean how has the pandemic been treating you? uh, I mean, it hasn’t been great and I’ve had to deal with some pretty bad shit as all of us have, and probably some of my worst mental health battles I’ve had to face in about a year or so, but honestly? I just kind of count my blessings these days. lucky to still be employed, even if my pay got a little cut it was nothing that keeps me from paying my bills. all I had to do was take away a few luxury things to make ends meet, and that’s a lot, LOT less than other people have had to do. so yeah, it’s been pretty shitty, this year has been bad news after bad news both personally and globally, but whatever. it could be worse. a song you can’t stop listening to right now? it is no-joke like a four-way tie. a bunch of good songs were in my discover weekly and I’ve been playing four of them on non-stop repeat one after the other. oh! and one my best friend showed to me. this baby don’t cry by k. flay, rock bottom by grandson, ok ok by hoko, and insurgents by the poolside by denny recommend a movie. i’ve jumped into holiday mood early af because tbh I need the holiday cheer, so keeping in that theme, I suggest the holiday with jude law because DUH how old are you? thirty! school, university, occupation, other? had some college, been working in my current career for the past ten years. hoping to pursue a promotion finally since my supervisors have been telling me for the past eight years that I need to promote do you prefer heat or cold? cold pleeeaaaase! I’m a radiator and put off heat like nobody’s business. I’m always warm. name one fact others may not know about you. this is hard because I just constantly blab everything about me, and I have two people who literally know EVERYTHING about me lmfao uhhh I guess... something people may not know... uhhh... on my dad’s side of the family one half was ashkenazi jewish who had to flee germany to avoid the holocaust, where they went to live in italy, while the other half were nazi’s committing some pretty bad stuff that my family won’t talk about, even to this day. funny how two descendants eventually met in america and fell in love, huh? and when they DID fall in love one of them was half italian and in the mafia! so I always joke that my bubbly cheerful self is a descendent of some pretty evil shit, and it feels like a nice little stab at those shitty ancestors of mine. are you shy? uhhh yeah and no??? like. I think I’m shy, since all interaction terrifies me and exhausts me, but everyone tells me I’m a social butterfly? and I’ve noticed in places I’m comfortable and confident, I do tend to be less shy and more involved and interactive? but I think I can be shy. a lot of waiting for other people to initiate because I’m too afraid to, struggling to talk or carry a conversation at times... I don’t know I think I’m overcomplicating this answer LOL preferred pronouns? she/her!  biggest pet peeves? gatekeeping, to be perfectly honest. I stopped following wrestling back in 2014 because when I first tried to get into the fandom, someone was trying to gatekeep a wrestler I also liked and had started making content for and they made me feel like shit for liking them, and I absolutely hated it. that’s why it took me an entire two years of quietly lurking in the wrestling fandom before I finally got brave enough to come out of the woodwork, and I’m grateful I’ve been so well received this time around. but now I’m hyper-sensitive to gatekeeping and I fucking hate it. no joke. and since it’s a pet peeve and I’m irked just remembering all that bs I went through, ima say I’m only a part of fandom to share my love of whatever that thing is with other people who love it too. I can’t stand anyone who thinks they have some sort of “claim” over a celebrity or a show or anything. get a different identity that isn’t wrapped up in that thing and stop seeing it as a threat when other people like it. be happy someone else is as passionate about that thing as you are and make a friend. damn. what is your favorite “dere” type? I’m pretty sure this is something with anime or that originated from anime, right? unfortunately I don’t know what they are so I can’t say LOL I don’t even know if I’m right about it coming from anime tbh rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be. 4, 5, but I’m putting in the foundation now and working to make it a 6, 7, or possibly 8 by a year or two from now. what’s your main blog? funnily enough? this one. my OTHER blog that was my main blog since I joined tumblr in 2009 got shoved to the side for this one last year LOL I assumed I’d log onto this blog once in awhile, but now it took over my whole damn life so here I am I guess list your side blogs and what they’re used for. I’m going to be fair and ONLY list my active ones because I have a few side blogs from when I role-played on tumblr that I haven’t touched in over a year. @doedreamss is my non-wrestling blog that WAS my main blog before this one, @cowboysht is my archive where I am ONLY putting my original gifsets/analysis/fanfiction so that one day I can offer people a blog of just my original work and no other posts (the queue is very slowly catching up I think I’ve queued posts up until june this year), @illfatedandstarcrossed is just a non-frequently used outlet for me to mope and dump emotions when I get sad about my relationship things (like a diary! but... public? and not my original thoughts? LOL), and then I have one more blog but it’s locked and private and it’s LITERALLY my diary where I can just vent when I got shit I wanna get off my chest but don’t necessarily want people to see it. Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? I probably won’t talk to you daily, tbh. I may not even talk to you weekly. socializing takes a lot out of me, on top of an already energy draining day-to-day in my personal life. I have a handful of people I connect with who I talk with frequently, but unfortunately as much as I’d love for it to be endless, I have to keep that list short for my own sanity. my infrequent conversations mean absolutely nothing about my lack of interest in you or how much I care about you. my granny once said I would be the perfect friend for someone you only want to talk to twice a month and she thought she was insulting me, but deadass I just said “YEAH! EXACTLY!!”

tagging: I really like this one so I WANT to tag people, but I feel braindead and also just want to post it cause I feel like I am definitely gonna forget to tag someone tbh aaaaahh okay okay I’m just gonna throw some names out there but please don’t feel pressured to do this (it is TWENTY questions) @kennyhoemega, @champbucks, @superkickparty, @adampage, @hintsofsunshine, @audreyhrnes, @sheslikealostflower, @lancearchers, @champnick, @janelanutella, @edgecution, @superrezzy00, @wardl0w, @writinglionqueen, @orangechuckiet, @hungmanhorsecarriage, @icouldbesus, @thatnerdwriter, @rampagewriting, @snarkandsarcasmftw, @tetsuyainthesky AND I DUNNO JUST ANYONE WHO WANTS TO OK I LOVE YOU ALL BYE

[stilesxeveryone]

The Rewatch, pt2

Feel free to message me about any of my dot points! Ultimately this is just for me, so I can remember all my thoughts the next time I do a season or episode specific fics, but I greatly encourage discussion!! None of my friends watch teen wolf so I can’t discuss things with them :(

Season 1, episode 7

Stiles: I’m not scared of you!

Peter: and I took that personally

To be honest I don’t think I’d ever take a werewolf fight to my high school, like everything is gonna be locked and oh god there are so many stairs and nowhere to hide

I will still never understand why Scott threw Derek under the bus in this episode? Like I feel like saying Derek is the murderer that’s behind everything just raises way more questions than answers and would cause more problems than solutions

Stiles punching Jackson? Valid and wonderful

Okay I’m gonna be honest here, there was a big old chunk of this episode that was just dramatic tension and no dialogue so I did not follow a single part of that because I’m also drawing dinosaurs at the moment

Also I find it interesting that Peter (the big bad alpha) seems to want Scott to kill his friends and join him as pack member. Why does he decide that one pack member is better than turning the others and forcing them to join as well? Maybe he believes it will create stronger loyalty, but in my opinion I feel like numbers are more important at this point in time

Season 1, episode 8

Oh no I hate this episode

Scott and Lydia kissing is actually one of the worst things I’ve ever seen (and why I hate this episode), and wow asshole move from both of them

Watching this episode makes me feel less bad about the fic I half-finished where Scott major attacks Stiles on a full moon because uhhh, it’s kinda accurate to the asshole ways of early Scott

Werewolf - now with added visual hallucinations? (Also I still hate their beta shift faces so much, especially Derek’s)

Okay but yes to a canon divergence AU where Chris and Kate Argent think that Stiles is the second beta werewolf instead of Jackson

Season 1, episode 9

I really wish they put in like any effort at all to make the photos that Scott sends to Allison actual photos? Instead of just screenshots from previous episodes? Like where are my cute couples selfies or sneaky candid photos during study dates and shit

Jackson dos a really good job at being absolutely creepy, like I hate it but also good shit

Stiles, at literally every interaction with Derek, saying he’s not afraid of him and being confident and then immediately being frightened by him (and the same happening with Peter in the high school) is character consistency and I appreciate that

I wish people wrote more Stiles and Danny friendships tbh (as well as relationships to be fair), I just really enjoy all their scenes together

“You must be Stiles” yes bitch!!! I always find it funny how fucking soft Peter says that line, like his voice is so gentle even though he’s meant to be the big bad wolf and all that

I’ve been meaning to say this since episode one but I love the music they use, as in the actual songs and such, but I literally hate the instrumental stuff they use. Very rarely does it build tension the right way and it almost never sounds nice

Season 1, episode 10

I still continue to not at all understand why Peter needs Scott

“You’re way too pretty to be out here all by yourself”

Okay but Allison/Lydia power couple (Lydia looks so good with red lipstick)

The whole scene of Stiles’ father being drunk and saying “I miss talking to you, and I miss your mum” is so soft and sad and personal and I love it

Oh my god I totally forgot about the part where Peter takes Scott’s mum on a date, that’s so weird

Also “you have incredible skin” is so serial killer-y, I can’t believe Melissa let him get away with that

Jackson really needs to listen to his gut more, like stop trusting the scary wolf men and go do some homework (also wow Derek really ripped into him about the fact that no one cares about him)

Season 1, episode 11

My god, Derek deserves to kill Kate. She’s so gross and he deserves a little revenge

Allison getting Lydia to go with Stiles to the dance! I forgot about that! As always, give me Allison/Stiles sibling/best friend relationship or give me death! Also Stiles/Lydia friendship is very good as well

Did Peter just say that Allison should go for a lighter dress? While she’s holding a black and white dress? Sir this makes no sense (also Allison looks great in dark outfits)

Also there’s no way teachers don’t immediately notice Jackson giving alcohol to some of the other kids, they’d be watching the drinks like hawks dude

Jackson goes through so much this season (and the next), it makes me feel so sorry for him

The CGI for Peter’s fangs extending is honestly so gross and I hate it

“Because you’re the clever one, aren’t you” if only more people understood this

Season 1, episode 12

Peter making a period joke is so,, absolutely unnecessary and weird and I hate it

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Allison’s mum is a snake and I hate her

Also Allison basically has to decide on whether her boyfriend is a monster or if her aunt (and family in general) are monsters and that is a tough decision, especially with how manipulative Kate is. I don’t remember what exactly she does in season 2 but idk how much I can blame her for it

Parking garage scene!! My favourite to read canon divergent scenes about

In defense of Scott, some of my passwords do in fact involve the name of my significant other, but in argument against Scott, I’m a little more creative than just his first name

I wish this show gave me the classic wolf howls instead of the weird, low, grumbly sound that makes no sense to me

I tried writing a parking garage AU once and it went horribly, but I think I’ll be coming back to it soon! Having some very fun ideas right now

Stiles and Chris scene! God bless Stiles just straight up not taking any of his shit and putting him in his place about the Hale fire

Also I don’t think it gets mentioned enough that Jackson witnesses this entire scene of Stiles standing up against the big bad hunter

I honestly really like that the code is “we hunt those who hunt us”, I think it’s valid and it’s more about self defense, even if Kate and the others don’t treat it like that

They really set Peter on fire again, huh, definitely not adding to his trauma and major pain or anything

Overall I do enjoy this season, I mean there’s a reason I continued watching it and am back here again for another rewatch. I think there are definitely some issues with the writing, of character morals and motivations not always aligning with their actions and that kind of thing. I really hope that as the show continues I see improvement in Tyler Posey’s acting, because until now I’ve never really paid too much attention to him honestly (which is a concern since he’s the main character).

I do really wish that they didn’t set Peter on fire, and I find it interesting that Stiles and Jackson were more involved with Peter’s death than Scott was. Although if Scott (or anyone other than Derek) killed Peter we would have avoided like all of season 2, but I do enjoy season 2.

I really enjoy seeing the characters interacting with each other honestly, especially Stiles interacting with any of the “bad guys” and the bad guys (Chris, Derek, Peter) and I really wish we got to see him talk with Kate, honestly.

[high-warlock-of-brooklyn]

This is one of the previous anons who sent another ask, but since it canbe triggering, I’m putting it under the cut

TW Depression, mental health problems

Every word you said is true, every suggestion you gave is the one I should be working on.

But *deep sigh*, I can't talk with my family , they are already fighting their own fights, already are more than needed occupied with things, and I can't increase their issues. I know I won't be a burden to them , you are never a burden to your loved ones, but I still can't , I can not when I know how it will go and how they would react and everything. They love me so much that thy would be more stressed than me. Also ,I am very very very bad at expressing myself even to my closest ones. There are things that no matter how much I try, the words never come out. Idk what force pulls me but it always win.

Actually tbh,i never really try , cuz the reason I am like this is because of things that happened in the years I lived till now( I am 20) , I never knew that events that heppened had affected me until last to last year. I thought and thought and thought , and then when I connected the dots I could see how it all started and still continues. I can never talk about it with family though they were part of it,they were there all along , they went through same, but no never. The events that occured in my childhood were not normal, they were a bit messed up. I went a lot of mental stress . There are events from my childhood that I remember like they happened yesterday. Tho i dont remember how I felt but the pictures are enough to know that that whats shaped me and made me who I am today. They are the reasons I am reserved, bad at expressing emotions, insecure, and much more i don't know about.

But what I hate the most is that now whenever something small happens it makes me sad as hell. And whenever I am sad and someone comes to me, I feel a smile forming on my face. Now my body automatically does things to hide everything. And I have become so good at all these that I sometimes doubt that is this even real what I feel or am I just faking it.

Trust me I know , i need professional help but I can't. I am fine dealing with my mental stress alone. The only time I find hard to gather myself up is when I am crying. It is so hard to cry without making sound.

I know things are bottling up and it may end up bad but I will fight , I have to fight on my own .Though I won't win , and I won't ever give up.

Whatever I told you it is in the best way possible and there is much more than this. There are some things I am yet to accept . It is messed.

_

I know you want to help and I really appreciate it from bottom of my heart.

Thank you listening to everything. Thank you so much.

Hi Anon. 

First of all, the whole thing about ‘you are never a burden to your loved ones’ is very misleading despite the intentions of the statement. No-one is free of burden. In truth, we should say ‘you are worth the work, because you are loved and cared for’.

You are right, your family has their own responsibilities and they are fighting their own fights. But you should know, that you are part of that fight too. You’re helping them every day in those fights, and it’s very important to know that no one fights alone. They don’t, because they have you to help them. It’s only fair that you have support in your fights too. It doesn’t make it problematic, it doesn’t make it a problem, it just makes it a fact of any relationship, familial or otherwise.

And it’s very much okay to be bad at saying what you need, and that’s why communication is so important. You don’t have to say entire essays every time you talk. Just saying that ‘I need a hug’ is better than saying nothing. Even hugging without saying anything is better than nothing.

It’s such a terrible feeling to look back at your life and see exactly how things went sideways, even though you can’t do anything about it. You’re the same age I am, and trust me when I say, it fucking sucks. And you’re right, no one has gone through the things you have. I’m autistic, and the same family events couldn’t have affected my family the same way as me, even though they went through the same thing. But that doesn’t make either of our struggles any less valid. Your hurt and pain and the shit you go through every day is valid. And I’m sorry you have to go through it.

Our trauma defines us a lot. Especially if it’s left unresolved. I hate loud utensil noises because it triggers the memories of my mom being furious with rage. It’s a very small thing to be so afraid of, or to do all the things I do to avoid it. But that doesn’t make my trauma any less valid or important. Some days all it takes is one dismissed wave of a hand for me to break down completely, but that doesn’t mean weakness. It means there are a lot of hurt and pain and issues left to fester for a long time without any relief. If you keep cranking up the pressure without letting it out, then it would find ways to escape anyway. Small things triggering you means your mind is exhausted, and needs a break.

No one can force you to seek help, all I can do is to ask you to do it. But if you choose to fight alone, then you can at least fight smart. I’ll advise reading up on your problems, it’s always better to know how things work than diving in blind. And learn to anticipate your tells, how your mind feels before you’re completely exhausted, how your body reacts to a certain trigger. Those are always helpful.

I want to give you a hug and I hope you know you are loved and appreciated, and please know you are not alone, and asking for help is okay 💙

Take off your burden on or off anon

[meitanteisachi]

My Kacchako reading list

My personal shortlist of the most unforgettable Kacchako fics I’ve read and currently reading, as well as planning to read! These are just those I can name at the top of my head so I probably might have missed some and will add later on once I remember. Most are rated M/E (because I am a sucker for Kacchako smut bahaAHHAA)

HAVE READ / ONESHOT / COMPLETE

A Little Bit Closer by mignonettes (a Ground Zero...dildo?!) A Softer World Prompt 46 by i-masshiro (kchk as exes. They never really got over each other) A Sweet Surprise by ohmytheon (Ochako bakes Bakugou a birthday cake) Again by corinnemaree (After Bakugo gives Ocha her first kiss, she just cant get enough) All Work and No Play by mignonettes (one of the hottest kchk smuts imo) Angel and Demon by EmeraldWaves (Ochako is a tease) Apricity by i-masshiro (Christmas kchk; honesty hour for our babies, very cute) As If to Say by calamansifresh (can’t get enough of a straightforward Bakugo. fluff!) As We Minimize the Space by calamansifresh (Ochako’s obsession: touching Bakugo. hot smut) Quiet by IchigoKacchan (twitter thread turned Ao3, HOT) Bakudonis by Ichigo_Kacchan (1-A drooling over shirtless Bakugo) Benign Masochism by windigop (Stripper Bkg. That’s it. I’m sold) Best Birthday Ever by crystymre (A twitter thread full of fluff and everything nice uwu) Biting the Bullet by MockingbirdSoul (one of the BEST kchk sexual tension fics EVAR) Conflict Resolution by Colorslander (Bakugo is bad at feelings, yes) Delivery Incoming by mignonettes (drunk Bakugo loves his girlfriend so much. VERY CUTE) Drinks series by BlueTee (ahh!! drunk kchk!! isso!! cute!!! AHH) Fight Night by ohmytheon (Ochako: *breaks Bakugo’s nose* Bakugo: im so turned on rn) First Date Etiquette by Methoxyethane (smut and humor are /chefs kiss/) Fleeting Emotions by EmeraldWaves (series of oneshots! includes tdmm and kmjr! fave is #4) Fragile by Virtually Forgotten (another series of oneshots! fluff/angst/smut i’m in love) Fuck or Die: Bakugo birthday edition by Italian_Lily (lust quirk and coming 7 times omg) Fuck or Die by mignonettes (twitter thread; ochako hit by a quirk that makes ya horny)  Gentle Hands by corinnemaree (it takes a while for Bakugo to process that Ocha kissed him) Girl of His Dreams by NamiSwaannn (Bakugo has very /vivid/ dreams abt Ochako) good together by tusslee (kchk sext this is so hot asjdkhaf) Hero Analysis and Application by SakuraDrops93 (slow-burn kchk wholesome content, except for chapter 28, ish) Hot Lavender Latte by calamansifresh (coffee shop AU! cute and wholesome and fluffy) How’s The Weather by crystymre (how the ending is written is the BEST) I Don’t Care by SakuraDrops93 (MY. MOST. FAVORITE. NON-SMUT kchk oneshot) I Don’t Compete by crystymre (kchk pro-hero AU. hot and sweet and cute) If Heartbreak by i-masshiro (if you don’t want to have your heart broken, DONT READ THIS. </3) Irresistible by ElanaDrex (lust quirk again, but dayum this hot) Kill, Fuck, Marry by stillfly94 (twitter thread; we love an angry dork Bakugo) Late Night Sweets by jarynw02 (so cute omg! Bakugo soft only for Chako) Misfit Love by Ichigo_Kacchan (Bakugo bought a new desk and Ochako didnt like it. yet) Morning Dew by calamansifresh (we need kchk morning sex in our lives) No One Else by thesweetestnerd (again, Ochako being a hot tease) Not Afraid by omytheon (Spin the bottle. Bakugo to kiss Ochako, then it gets complicated) once bitten by wonduhhwoman/still.fly (vampire ochako oneshot. help, this is too hot.) one juicy peach by still.fly (the first kcck i’ve read. it’s hot and beautiful ;_; sweet bakugo) Partition by Ichigo_Kacchan (based on Beyonce’s Partition, Kacchako multitasks in limo) [Prompt]Sweet Surprise Vday KCCK by italian_lily (Bakugo helps Ochako make cake) Protect and Kill by ohmytheon (AU, Ocha is FBI agent and Baku is assassin) quality time by still.fly (kcck as roommates. fluff!) Quarantine Thread by Megadoodle (soooo cute!!!) Quiet Time by ohmytheon (Deku overhears kcck on the top bunk doing...things) say it and i’m yours by yaomomochi (aquarium date!!!) Sparks by ohmytheon (secret relationship + blind date) Stress Relief by Italian_lily (exactly how I would picture a kchk sparring smut scene tbh) Suds ‘n’ Sweat by mignonettes (kcck in laundry and ya know what happens) Summer Hoodies by mythica magic (Ochako in Bakugo’s sweater hrrrmm) Take a Break by ohmytheon (pro-hero Kchk doing it in the workplace to relieve stress) The Dark Web by ohmytheon (another hot kchk sexual tension comin’ right up!!!) The feeling that isn’t entirely unpleasant by mysterious intentions (fluffy HS kchk!) The Final Countdown by ohmytheon (New Year’s countdown, first kiss, pure kchk fluff <3) The Five Times It’s Fake and the One Time It Isn’t by mignonettes (fake dating AU!) thought that i was dreaming by lianhuawu (kchk post AFO-fight. sweet huhu) Un Pour Tous by mignonettes (coffee shop AU, fluff!) VIP Pass by HikoCassidy (oooh a drummer Bakugo) warm light on a winter’s day by wonduhhwoman (soulmates kchk, stuck in cabin for winter) Worthy by Tharros (drunk Ochako again + sweet “friend” Bakugo) Yes or No is Not a Trick Question by silv3rbloodalch3mist (ANOTHER. FAVORITE. Honest Bakugo is hot) Yours, If You Wanted by calamansifresh (bakugo and his hidden crush mehehe)

CURRENTLY READING / ONGOING

Aquating Training Session by BeMore (happens before camping arc; w/ tdmm!) Boyfriend-Girlfriend Things by silv3rbloodalch3mist (ahh another one from a fave author!) Little Do You Know by fullondisclosure (soulmates with a twist!) Make it wit chu by Ichigo_Kacchan (a One night stand/FwB Kacchako) Mr. Brightside by SakuraDrops93 (MY. MOST. FAVORITE! RECENTLY UPDATED AHH) Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell by Ms_Chunks (very long but very good asdhajf kchk quirk dynamic) floaty ‘splodey fic series by ishkabibble_bafflegab (every fic in this series is /hearteyes/) Hot Cocoa & Chill by FrenchK (uwu i’m soft) Seeing Double by knifekirby (Fantasy AU! I’m in love with this!) The Reaper by thevoidyouknow (kchk roommates, virgin ocha and horny bakugo) (Touch Me) Kill Each Other Slowly by corinnemaree (vampire!bkg) there is something wrong with uravity by onlyfm (again with the horny quirk. yes) We Can Never Be Friends by crystymre (reading this on twitter it’s so fun and hot omg) why don’t you say so by frazzledazzle (all dialogue; all interesting drabbles! love this!) You Lost by NanaHachikoSan (this is just hot dirty hahaha)

TO READ

A Different Perspective by house_of_pixels actuality by still.fly Among a Crowd of Faces by miraimisu Bakugou Katsuki is Going to Become A Friendly Guy Even if it Kills Him by pisces-royalty Blanket Pals by miraimisu Clocks and Blades by Pomoon Closer by Ichigo_Kacchan downplay it by seconddaysea Fall by crystymre Finding Our Normal by theGingerTrekie Floating Embers by megwritesfanfiction Grounded by ElenaDrex He Who Always Left First by miraimisu Hot-headed by MoofyKitten In Hindsight by infantblue  It’s Just Training by LaMuerta It’s Our Secret, Angel Face by thesweetestnerd Kacchako Week 2019 entries by BlueTee Lie for Me by lovecassia Limerence by KarmaHope Make Me Forget by Chio Saki Midnight Terrain by stillfly94 No One Knows by Ichigo_Kacchan Noblesse Oblige by EmeraldWaves & Superevey On the Rainbow Road by ohmytheon One Day at a Time by jarynw02 Out of the Town by jarynw02 Popcorn for Breakfast by Ichigo_Kacchan [Prompt]Glimpse into the Future by italian_lily Something New by megwritesfanfiction The Boys Start the War and the Girls Get Even by crystymre The Heist by katschako The Need Inside You by ohmytheon the shape of your words by nascence The Wonderful World of Jealousy by ohmytheon These Stones We Skip by miraimisu With the Touch of My Staff by miraimisu

If you can recommend me some (I’m pretty sure there are a lot of beautiful Kacchako fics out there I might’ve missed bc srsly this fandom has SO MANY talented writers), feel free to leave them in the comments and I’ll be more than happy to add them here

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

IT Chapter 2 - Thoughts (SPOILERS)

When the first IT movie came out two years ago, I went in knowing absolutely NOTHING about the book or story. I still have not read the book (I have maybe twenty pages of Jay Baruchel’s book left, and then I’ll be starting IT!), but both then and now, I’ve found that the first IT movie is one of my favourite horror films. Whilst the first one didn’t really scare me so much as just freak me the fuck out, I still thought it was well-made and enjoyable.

I hadn’t watched the original film for a long time - probably over a whole year since. When I saw that there was going to be a double bill of the first AND second film, I immediately jumped to get a ticket - I needed a refresher of the first film, and I was extremely PUMPED for the second film. 

As I’m writing this, I’ve just gotten back from the double bill and I wanted to get some thoughts down whilst they’re still fresh in my mind. This is NOT my proper, written-out review, more just me making notes that’ll help me write that review. I also wanted to write them down just in case someone wants to go in prepared, or if they’re on the fence about seeing the film and don’t mind spoilers. 

I am also NOT talking about the first film - I made a post on my old blog when I first watched “IT” in 2017, which I have dug up and can be found HERE. 

In case it’s not already obvious, THERE ARE SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. MASSIVE SPOILERS. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ THE SPOILERS.

Anyway, let’s get on with it!

This is more of a cinema-complaint but my cinema still had the music that plays in the venue playing over the first thirty seconds so I missed ALL the audio in the first thirty seconds of the film. I DID see Beverly floating and the Losers Club talking, so I’m assuming it’s nothing I didn’t already know from the first film.

I like that it opens with cutbacks to the first film, it ties it nicely together and adds an extra reminder/refresher of what happened in the first film.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT FUCKING OPENING ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW

So after the Losers Club, there’s a scene with this gay couple at a carnival, one of whom is called Adrian, and they firstly get verbal harassment from a gang of people, and then said gang starts following them.

OKAY LOOK THIS IS A WARNING, THERE IS A GAY BASHING IN THIS FILM. It really FUCKED me up, I’m going to be honest. I’m pretty sure it’s something that happens in the book, so maybe I don’t need to warn anyone, but I was unprepared to see it. 

So after they beat Adrian up, they toss him over a bridge while he’s unconscious and into the river below; his boyfriend goes running down to find him, and that’s when you see Pennywise.

At first I thought Pennywise was just super against gay bashing and was actually helping Adrian but NOPE, HE TAKES A GIANT FUCKING BITE OUT OF HIM, I NEARLY SCREAMED IN THE CINEMA

Also I definitely noticed how Adrian was asthmatic and needed an inhaler, as is Eddie. I’m not sure if that’s a sign but let’s assume so...

This is how it all starts again and Mike - who’s the only one still in Derry btw - has to call the rest of the club up because “oh shit he’s back again”. 

Can I just say that the casting for the adult Losers Club is FUCKING PHENOMENAL. ALL OF THEM.

James McAvoy as Bill? Jessica Chastain as Beverly? Bill Hader as Richie? Blessed casting, absolutely blessed.

As a writer, I laughed so hard at everyone hating Bill’s book endings. Literally EVERYONE shat on how he ended his books, even his own wife (who’s an actress, I think?) and it was so funny.

Poor Eddie went from a domineering mother to a domineering wife who I’m 99% sure is played by the same actress by the way. 

Probably should mention now that Eddie is one of my favourite members of the club in the first film, so that was kinda sad for me to see.

Oh God, Richie in this film is perfect. I love him. First time we see him, he’s vomiting after getting a phone call from Mike and then he has to go onstage to do stand-up. Throughout the whole film he is literal GOLD.

Ben really had a huge glow-up between movies, I mean DAMN BEN. Does that happen in the book? Ben going from the “fat kid” to “handsome and fit” or...?

Oh poor Bev...poor Bev indeed. She went from being abused by her creepy ass father to being in an abusive relationship with her husband. I sadly get the feeling that that kind of thing happens in real life - history repeats itself and all of that.

I’m 90% sure that Bev’s husband was going to r*pe her because he threw her down and started to take off his shirt, but she kicked him off her and fought back before too much happened.

Of course, Stan. I had a horrible feeling when I saw the trailers and saw that he was noticeably absent compared to the others. Also, when I started reading IT two years ago (I only got a few chapters in, I didn’t have much time so I kind of fell away before I got too into the book), THAT scene with Stan was one of the only chapters I got round to reading because it was right at the start. So I knew and I was dreading it.

Potentially triggering for people like myself who have been suicidal/are suicidal/self-harm; he runs himself a bath and then slits his wrists to kill himself (and succeeds). I mean, it’s not 13 Reasons Why level of explicit, you don’t SEE him do it properly, but it’s intercut with the moment Bill sliced his palm in the first film when they were all making the pact. So it’s PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS what’s going on.

Throughout this whole film, I had no idea what was real and what wasn’t anymore. Some of the shit that happened was bizarre and I was like “...how is NO ONE NOTICING THAT”. 

As soon as I saw the words “cut” and “IT” come out of fortune cookies, I knew something was about to go down. Even more so when “Stanley” came out of one.

The humour in this film is a whole new level. Most of it is Bill Hader as Richie, but some of it is just in general (like one of them screaming “IT’S NOT REAL” whilst smashing a chair on a table in the Chinese restaurant, only for an employee to turn up and be like “da fuq”...long story).

I assumed that Henry Bowers had fallen straight to hell or died frankly. Oh boy was I wrong. Not surprised they put him in an asylum given that he murdered his own father tbh. 

PATRICK THE ZOMBIE

So is the Patrick zombie ACTUALLY driving Henry around, I’m curious because how the fuck would no one else notice a zombie driving around?!

“how do you not know material from you own show?!” - oh God, I am so weak

Pennywise kills this little girl called Vicky and I just KNEW. I just knew what that little bitch (Pennywise) was up to as soon as he started fake crying because “no one will be my friend because I look strange” or whatever. He saw that mark on the girl’s face and I fucking knew. 

“One...Two...” “...” “...” “...you’re supposed to say-” AND THEN HE TOOK A MASSIVE FUCKING BITE OUT OF HER FACE, I LITERALLY CRIED OUT I WAS SO FUCKING TERRIFIED

The scene where Mike drugs Bill to get him to “see” is...weird. Extremely weird. It was like being on hallucinogen drugs. Everything about it and IT is weird.

I’m confused as to when the timeline of them building the clubhouse and their individual experiences with IT take place in this film. Are the individual encounters (which I’ll talk about in a moment) supposed to have taken place in the time they were all apart? And the clubhouse, was that AFTER they fought IT? I’m so confused about when all of this was happening

So they all have to find these objects as offerings for this ritual to defeat IT and...that was a ride of several varieties.

We’ve all seen the Mrs Kersh teaser, right? The old lady? And how she suddenly wiggles around naked in the background for no apparent reason? That made a LOT of people laugh but, I mean, hats off to the actress for doing that, I’m 21 and I couldn’t even imagine having to do that.

Umm so yikes, Bev’s relationship with her father remains so creepy and abusive, like he blames her for her mother killing herself?? And then sprays her in her mom’s perfume and starts smelling her?? I needed to lie down on the sofa I was on, it had me so uncomfortable.

Um so Mrs Kersh turns into this GIANT FUCKING OLD LADY DEMON THING THAT’S NAKED AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY LIFE

Pennywise painting his face and making those noises...yikes. fuckin yikes. I still love Bill Skarsgard.

OKAY LOOK RICHIE WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT RICHIE’S WHOLE STORYLINE SO IMMA DO THAT NOW

ABOUT RICHIE

So if I’m correct, and I think I am, Richie is gay? There’s a flashback when he heads to the arcade of Richie when he’s young and his hand lingers just a second too long on another boy’s at one point, and then he gets accused of being “weird”. Then it turns out the boy is Bowers’ cousin and Bowers shows up, starts accusing Richie of being a certain-gay-slur, and Richie runs outside.

Umm that bUILDER LUMBERJACK STATUE COMING TO LIFE WAS UNNECESSARY THANK YOU I’M GOING TO HAVE FUCKING NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT FUCKING THING

So back to older Richie because this is all happening one-after-the-other here. Older Richie goes outside and he looks up at the Lumberjack statue, and there’s Pennywise with loads of balloons.

Pennywise starts accusing him of being too afraid to play games, but especially truth-or-dare, because then “everyone will know your secret”. 

My legit favourite thing is now Pennywise the clown floating down from on top of a statue singing “I KNOW YOUR SECRET, YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET” and I refuse to feel guilty for it

It is so heavily implied that Richie’s secret is that he’s attracted to guys and I am here for the representation. I don’t know whether Richie is gay or bi or whatever, but shit I love it

I literally just wanted Richie to admit it so he could be proud and not afraid, like own it Richie. Own who you are, and then Pennywise can’t use it against you.

I’m literally going to rewatch this film JUST FOR RICHIE AND EDDIE’S ROMANCE

Anyway, end of me discussing Richie (for now)

I saw you Stephen King, in that shop with Bill’s bike :))

I wonder how other adults in Derry feel about seeing fully grown Bill screaming down a drain. It’s kind of sadly funny now that I consider it...

To be honest, I don’t remember what that little boy was called but Bill must have looked like a fucking weirdo just screaming and following that little boy around... (okay, I THINK the kid is called Dean so I’m going to just call him that)

To be fair to Bill, I also lie awake at night wondering “why Georgie??” That kid was far too adorable.

I always thought Ben was smart for some reason and so I was kinda surprised to see him in summer school (I’m English so we don’t have that here, but am I right in thinking that it’s where you go if you fail school or something? To get your grades up/retake tests?)

I was not convinced for a second that that shadow belonged to Beverly, and turns out I’m right. 

See, after seeing Bev’s head suddenly catch on fire, I’m glad I never started smoking (yes, I’m aware that’s Pennywise)

Poor Ben, having fake-Bev tell him that he’s fat/will die alone etc. It’s so sweet that he kept the page in his yearbook that she signed though, to remind himself that the REAL Beverly wouldn’t do that.

“Kiss me, fat boy” - AM I WRONG OR WAS THAT A LINE IN THE TIM CURRY VERSION BECAUSE I’M SURE IT’S NOT THE FIRST TIME A PENNYWISE HAS SAID THAT

That creepy ass pharmacist is still there?? AND his daughter?!

See, I’m confused...did Eddie’s mom REALLY get killed by the Leper or was that just a Pennywise trick to lure him in?

That Leper, guys...fuck me, it’s disgusting like it licks and vomits on Eddie?!

You know shit’s about to get real when characters go into fun-houses, especially the ones with a clown theme.

Okay, you know what, I was wrong when I thought that that little girl called Vicky had the most violent death - HOW ABOUT DEAN?? PENNYWISE RAMMING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE GLASS AND THEN FUCKING EATING HIM IN FRONT OF BILL WHILST BLOOD SPRAYS FUCKING EVERYWHERE

Ben: I’ve spoken to Richie, he’s going to stay -> Cut to: Richie, escaping and driving away very quickly

Hang on, how in the fuck did Eddie survive Bowers stabbing him in the cheek?! (Having said that, the Narrator in Fight Club survived blowing the whole of his cheek off so I can’t complain). 

For a moment I genuinely forgot about what happened to Henry Bowers after this but I’ve just remembered - he attacks the Losers Club again at the library and gets stabbed (I think?). All I know is that he definitely dies in that library.

I knew Mike’s parents had burnt to death and he’d been in the next room, but I didn’t realize that he’d been a toddler at the time?? Jesus, how is he not completely fucked up after that?!

No amount of money or anything could ever convince me to go into that fucking house on Neibolt Street frankly. 

I can’t remember why Richie decided to stay right now but he decides to stay and help out. My memory is BAD.

So they go into the house and so much horrific shit goes down that I literally was hiding behind the blanket I was using.

Less scary thing first: Ben having words carved into his stomach until Bev kicks some ass and destroys a mirror. Still freaked me out but not as much as the NEXT THING HOLY SHIT

So in the next room, the fridge opens and inside is young!Stan’s body - his head then falls off and rolls across the floor, starts speaking. When the Losers Club starts not believing it/being less afraid, Stan’s head...fuck fuck fuck

Stan’s head GROWS FUCKING LEGS AND IT BECOMES A SPIDER BUT WITH A HUMAN HEAD?! SO STAN’S HEAD IS THE BODY/FACE BUT IT HAS SPIDER LEGS AND I NEARLY BURST INTO TEARS BECAUSE I CAN HANDLE A LOT BUT FUCKIN SPIDERS IS NOT FUCKIN ONE OF THEM

I’M NOT KIDDING, THAT IS THE MOST TERRIFYING, HORRIFYING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, AND I HAVE SEEN A LOT OF HORROR MOVIES

So they all end up going into the sewers, and going deeper after that, to do their ritual; freaky-boob-demon showed up and pulled Bev underwater, but beyond it being a quick jumpscare (that was admittedly scary), nothing happens since it goes down underwater and just see Eddie panicking but too afraid to go in after them himself.

Richie giving Eddie the pep talk was both sweet and hilarious. I admittedly laughed more than I should have done at the “you married a woman who weighs 400 pounds comment”. 

So, surprise surprise, the fucking dumbass ritual doesn’t work. For some reason Mike decides “hmm I won’t mention that this ritual failed before when it was last done, ho hum” and so everyone’s in the shit after that.

Pennywise turns into this gigantic crab-spider-thing and I don’t know how to feel about it. It’s honestly terrifying and unsettling, but I was half-expecting IT to turn into something like a massive spider or something horrific. I’m glad in a way he didn’t but still.

I should have mentioned this earlier but remember how in the first film, they decided that they’re safe so long as they stay together? YEAH, WELL, SECOND FILM SAYS LOL NOPE TO THAT AND THE CLUB KEEP SEPARATING, WHY DO YOU STRESS ME OUT LIKE THIS

The thing with Richie and Eddie and that Pomeranian was so cute? You know, until the dog fuCKING TURNED INTO A MONSTER THAT IS, “Not Scary At All” MY ASS PENNYWISE

Is IT able to be in seven different places at once? Because I wasn’t sure, but Pennywise seems to torment the kids/adults separately at the same time in BOTH films

So apparently Bill feels guilty because he “wasn’t sick” that day that Georgie went out into the rain and like...okay? That feels a bit shoehorned in but cool, alright then.

Bev ends up in that toilet cubicle with people trying to break in and like...gross? Her dad? And the pharmacist? Can go fuck themselves :))

So that toilet filled with blood pretty fast huh

Also Beverley really took her sweet ass time realizing that it was BEN who wrote that poem despite the fact she seemed to realize he was the one who did it AFTER he kissed her awake in the first film. However, I’ll maybe let it slide since apparently they forget things when they leave Derry, so...

Ben nearly drowns in dirt and Pennywise taunts him about dying alone, honestly same, I just know I’m going to die alone and unloved :))

Richie deciding “fuck it” and throwing rocks/screaming at Pennywise was so amazing...until the deadlights got him.

Eddie really sacrificed himself like that, huh :(

Poor Eddie was so happy because “oh my god I did it, I killed him, Richie wake up, look-!” - and then he got fucking stabbed. Gosh, I just LOVE it when my favourites DIE LIKE THAT STEPHEN KING -_-

So the deadlights are kind of just...balls of light? Or...?

So apparently calling Pennywise names like “clown” and putting him down is all it took to make him small enough to defeat, huh? They really shouted “clown” at him until he shrunk into a new-born-baby-sized-Pennywise

Also they crushed his heart and that was it. Cool, I guess. I don’t know what I was expecting but I don’t think what I got was it

So, um, while I’m here, let’s just take a moment to...

FUCKING NO WHY DID NO ONE FUCKING TELL ME THAT FUCKING EDDIE WAS GOING TO DIE

I WAS ROOTING FOR EDDIE EVERY SINCE HE SAID ABOUT GAZEBOS OKAY YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW ANGRY AND SAD I AM

I mean, he died like a hero, granted, but how fucking dare you-

You know what’s even MORE heartbreaking than Eddie dying? RICHIE’S REACTION.

Oh sure, the others are sad, but RICHIE IS FULL ON SOBBING AND NOT WANTING TO LET HIM GO, LIKE HE’S LITERALLY IN DENIAL AND HAS TO BE DRAGGED AWAY

RICHIE TAKES IT THE HARDEST AND MY HEART, IT FUCKING HURTS GUYS, IT REALLY DOES

Anyway, thank you Bill Hader for inventing acting for this film

Okay I’m sort of done

So no one is going to notice that dusty crackhouse building just crumbling completely then?

That moment where the remaining adult losers look at their reflection in a window, and they see themselves young - but it’s ALL of them young, even Stan and Eddie, and now I really am sad

Richie breaking down when they’re in the quarry to clean up...again, my heart hurts and it’s Richie’s fault

Towards the beginning of this film/most of the first film, I genuinely cared a bit about who Bev ended up with (well, more I was hoping it was Ben because he’s sweet and a good person) but by the time we got to Ben and Bev kissing after all the Bill-Bev-Ben triangle bullshit...meh. Cool, I guess. 

I am genuinely glad that the surviving losers seem to be living at least slightly better lives by the end of the film; Bill actually as an idea about what he’s writing for once; Bev is away from abusive fathers/husbands and with Ben on what looked like a VERY nice private yacht; I think Mike was going to see the world(?) after being cooped up in the library for so  long.

Richie...I don’t know if his ending was better than how he started to be honest. I think he said something about being proud at the end, so maybe that means he’s going to accept who he is? 

HE CARVED “R+E” into the bridge as a teen, and he re-cARVES IT AT THE END ARE YOU SERIOUS

Did Stan really think that by killing himself, it would prevent everyone from going back or...? Because he says in his letter that if it’s not ALL of them going back, then he’s assuming they’ll all die? Or something?

^If I’ve got that wrong (which I’m sure I have) please excuse me, it was 1am by the time the film finished and I was recovering from being terrified and I was tired

Obviously Bill Skarsgard was amazing as Pennywise, I just wanted to save that until last because wOW. He really put his all into the character, and I personally think he did a fantastic job with it.

So overall, I enjoyed IT Chapter 2. Was it as good as the first? Ehh...kind of hard to say. I was more scared shitless this time around but it was mostly jump-scares. It was definitely creepier/darker/bloodier. Having said that, there were moments where I was like “what the actual fck” or a bit lost, like Mike drugging Bill? I also noticed that a LOT of people in the cinema were laughing towards the end when it was the comedic parts but rather the scary ones - whether that’s just “some people laugh when nervous/anxious” or they genuinely thought it was hilarious, I’m not sure. This film is also nearly 3 hours long, which...is a while. For me, it wasn’t too bad because I’ve done LOTR marathons at home using the extended editions, so under 3 hours is kind of something I’m used to, but it does kind of drag a bit. At the beginning there was a lot of time building up characters, which I get, but also was slightly unnecessary at times. The CGI was sort of a mixed bag for me. I feel like the CGI on Pennywise throughout was overall improved, but there were moments like an eyeball rolling across the table or something where I thought it looked fake as hell.

But all of that aside, I really enjoyed the film. I think I’d go back again just to see Bill Hader as Richie, to be honest, and for Richie’s whole storyline. For me personally, that was the best non-horror element of the film.As I said, I have not read the book YET, but it’s the very next one on my list - chances are I’ll be starting it tonight or tomorrow!

[metalchick19-blog]

The Bowers Gang: Ship #9 - Victor Criss

Request: Alrighty I’ll have you ship me with whoever you think personally~ my hair is blonde and I’m short asl, but I also have a tattoo of a black rose on the side of my wrist. A lot of my friends tell me that I can always make them laugh with what I say or do and a lot of them will often come to me for advice or if they need to rant about something, which honestly just makes me feel even better as a person. I’m someone who will always stand by you if you’ve never done me dirty and need help. I do have a goofy side that only my closest friends see everyday, which is honestly sometimes just me as person. I think of myself as a fairly outgoing person and I’m never one to just stand in the corner of a party. Some things I need to work on are opening up to other people when talking about feelings and problems I have instead of just bottling them up. If there’s someone that I don’t like, I make it very clear and can be totally heartless towards them. I can also stress myself out easily and get overwhelmed by everything that’s going on. I’ve been through some shit, so I have a better understanding of other people’s hardships than most people. Being friends with me means that you always have someone to go to for laughs, but also someone who won’t sugar coat anything for you. Being in a relationship with me means you’ll actually have someone devoted to you and fun times, but you also gotta break down any walls built up. To put it into simpler terms, I’m a pretty chill person who goes with the flow but can get serious when it comes to something that’s important to me and I need to do. A couple of facts about me is that I want to be an elementary school teacher (I love kids so much, more than people my age tbh), I smoke the devils lettuce damn near hourly on a daily (fuck getting drunk, getting high is better), I love going to the beach, driving around downtown with friends, or just taking time to myself in my room to listen to music!

Always traces your rose tattoo absentmindedly when you cuddle/sit next to each other

Finds your transparency hot as hell, because he sees it as an indication of how honest you are 

So appreciates the shit out of it, even when you’re being a total icy bitch to someone he doesn’t even know (and learns to assume you have your reasons when he doesn’t understand why)

The guys gave you a designated seat in the Trans-Am because you drive around with them after school so often (like the trooper you are) 

You’re on the far left, behind Belch, with Victor in the middle between you and Patrick (very much on purpose)

Victor sometimes comes over to people’s houses to keep you company while you babysit (the ol’ “sneak in the boyfriend routine”)...

... and actually helps with the sitting of the baby, rather than expecting to fuck and/or sit and watch movies like some other teen delinquents we know 

But seriously - Victor is straight-up the daddy to your mommy whenever you guys watch kids together, and it’s truly one of the loveliest things ever

Tends to start off awkward at first (he’s very friendly with kids, but has a hard time talking to them in ways they understand since he can’t “dumb down” his language), but always ends up being their literal favorite person by the time the night is over (apart from you, of course)

Entirely because Criss makes funny faces like a pro, keeps the small ones entertained while you warm up dinner, and ties shoes singing the bunny ears song and everything 

I.e. He’s “the fun guy”

Also demonstrates an inside voice like nobody’s business, and slides a coaster under every drink (house rules = respected) 

Also steps up to do some of the disciplinary things when you can’t get a specific smol one to listen to you 

... and is low-key a toddler whisperer about it too

When he has to be the disciplinarian, Victor always just kneels down to the tiny kid’s eye-level (regardless of whether they’re screaming, crying, or otherwise), and casually starts talking to them as if they understand every adult word that’s coming out of his mouth

Which most of them couldn’t possibly do, because toddlers 

... But, from the moment they make eye contact with him, the majority of kids go completely serene and just stare at Victor like they do understand what he’s saying, and clean up their act right after he “discusses it” with them

The guy seriously somehow stops all tears/whining/unacceptable behavior just by being like “hey, that’s not cool dude, and here’s why”

It’s legitimately random to the point of being annoying, because there’s no reason getting children in line should be that easy for him (considering it’s insanely difficult for some people that actually have kids)

You insist that the lil’ buns are just reflecting Victor’s calm nature, but his smug smile will always indicate he low-key thinks he’s better at child-care than you

... Which you know isn’t true, but we’ll let him think what he wants to think

He finds it really endearing how well you get along with kids though, and thinks it’s adorable that you’re able to connect with them so easily

You’re the first person he’s ever been with who’s made him think, “She’ll be a really great Mom someday,” and that’s beautiful 

You make Victor smile in the moments when he truly gets down on himself

This is a pretty big deal, because he tends to feel the fuck out of things regardless of the emotion

It’s impossible for the majority of people to sway Victor’s mood at all when he’s upset, because it always settles over him so heavily...

... but you somehow do the trick.

Your goofy nature usually bounces off of him at first (he stays in his head, and doesn’t give much response to most of your humor for a while), but you always eventually say something that strikes a cord with him, and elicits a small smirk

... which eventually leads to a smile, which leads to a laugh, which ultimately leads to you talking out his issues with him and lifting his spirits

You’re seriously one of Criss’ main emotional outlets, and I wish I could shake your hand, cause’ that’s an honor 

This isn’t a one-way street, though - Victor does the same for you

He noticed early on (before you were even together) that you only tended to talk about positive things/ “surface level” information even after you had been hanging out with the guys for a long time

And to him (i.e. the group psychologist), that made it clear you were trying to keep your distance by not sharing your problems or talking about things that were really important to you

So he made a point of being there for you x1,000,000 when you officially got together 

Example: He knows you won’t bring up any of your issues unprompted, so Victor asks how your day is going at every given opportunity

Aka: he provides a chance for you to tell him something’s bugging you

He also jumps on it whenever you show any visible signs of being sad, and straight-up asks you to tell him what you’re feeling because real men aren’t afraid to talk about that jazz 

Even though it took time for you to get used to it (i.e. sharing your emotions), it’s now something that’s become a reflex for you

You’ve cried on Victor’s shoulder, shared your previous traumas, let him see you at the peak of rage, and he’s done the same with you; there’s nothing left to hide 

The two of you have seriously reached a point where you could tell one another anything on the spot

You’re each other’s permanent comfort and support - simple as that.

When one of you is feeling especially down though, or when you both just feel you’ve earned a break from life (i.e. after exams, or during spring/winter break), you and Victor have “intensive care” smoke sessions at his house

...Tastefully named “intensive care” smoke sessions by the both of you

This basically means hot-boxing Victor’s room all day long (fucking glorious), watching movies in his bed, and playing whatever tapes you want on full blast at random intervals throughout the day

The two of you cycle between just sitting and listening to the music (typically at the peak of your high, when you’re both brain-dead), to talking about incredibly philosophical/incredibly stupid things (”who closes the bus door after the bus driver gets off?”), to raiding Victor’s fridge for munchies until you eventually empty it and have to walk into town for more 

Side-note: Victor is smooth as fuck when it comes to being high and acting normal in public

Whenever you guys order food anywhere after you’ve already smoked, he’s always the one who speaks because he never stutters, breaks eye contact, or forgets what he’s saying in the middle

You’ve even seen him get into full, logically sound conversations with people just minutes after taking a bong rip in the Trans-Am (group smoke sessions are a thing too)

The guy legit held it together even when his parents came home in the middle of your smoke session once, and introduced you normally even though you were having a level 10 panic attack, and were not subtle about it (those darting high person eyes were all over the place) 

In short, he can basically just revert back to being sober again whenever he wants to, and it’s a major turn-on for stoners everywhere. 

*Pointless side-note ended*

You try to get Victor to socialize at the 2-3 house parties Henry forces you all to each month, but he won’t do it

Just stands next to you, quietly sipping his beer and letting his attention drift around the room

Fields small-talk when he has to (he’s not shy or unapproachable - just introverted), but usually just prefers to be the handsome guy standing next to you while you own the spotlight

You’ll forever be the majestic, sociable party dom with a dry-humored wallflower for a boyfriend - enjoy

... he looks at you a lot while you talk to people though, and it’s so obvious he’s thinking about how beautiful you are, because his eyes make it clear he’s focusing on your face rather than your words 

So many girls in Derry High hate you because of adorable crap like this - there’s a lot of salt over Victor Criss being so thoroughly taken by someone

Patrick often tries to break you away from Victor at parties, because, like you, he talks easily and likes to try to get into shit (and because he thinks you’re hot/would love to take a girl away from Victor using only the power of his penis)

He’ll randomly show up next you when you’re getting another drink, going to the bathroom... or, really, doing anything other than talking to Victor

...At which point he propositions the shit out of you, and tries to convince you to come upstairs

This has never worked out well for him.

You did play a legitimately sick game of beer-pong together once after you got him to stop coming onto you (for a second), but that was just because you were already buzzed, and felt unusually tolerant towards him

So even though you usually reject him wholeheartedly (and somewhat loudly/angrily), you two will always be remembered as the life of post-homecoming blowout, 1987 (where you made every single shot, and didn’t have to take even one drink between the two of you)

... Still doesn’t change the fact that he’s trying to do you though, and that you’re too loyal to Victor to be feeling it 

Even though he won’t participate in other ways when it comes to parties, Victor always dances with you, because he has a specific thing for watching you move to house music

You asked him about it once, and he just said he thinks it’s beautiful because it “accentuates your purity”

If you don’t get what he means, you’re in good company - the guy has an artsy soul.

Interesting side-note: Like Patrick, Henry has low-key wanted to sleep with you from the moment he first saw you, but keeps it heavily under wraps in the interest of not screwing up you and Victor’s relationship 

He doesn’t talk to you much, and has a hard time maintaining eye contact even when he does (because guilt and attraction)

Essentially decided that abstinence is key where you’re concerned, and tries not to form much of a connection with you so it’s easier to control himself

Avoids being left alone with you at all costs, and doesn’t acknowledge you much in general

... He eyes you a lot when he gets drunk though (most often, at the parties you go to)

No words, but enough wasted leering to make it clear where his head is at

 It’s never escalated into anything, but it’s something you notice.

... And you’ve never told Victor in the interest of preserving their friendship. 

* Interesting side-note ended *

Victor tried to take you on a private date to the quarry once (because you’d always told him about how badly you wished there was a beach in Derry), but the guys found out and showed up unexpectedly as soon as the two of you hit the water

... And it was actually your first date.

Meaning Criss was not at all entertained by that bandwagony bullshit.

They literally just came to see you in a bathing suit (hence why they came out of hiding only after you’d gotten in the water), and you’re such a bad bitch that you called them out on it rather than let it be 

... But that just earned a predictably creepy affirmation from Patrick (”What, you thought we were gonna’ let Criss keep a body like that all to himself?” *Disgusting Hockstetter cackle as Victor death-stares him into oblivion*), and didn’t amount to anything more than obnoxious laughter on Henry and Belch’s part 

Long story short, the guys all stampeded into the water with you, and swimming for 2 became swimming for 5

So, yeah. First date was a group date, and no one was thrilled.

Because of what you’ve been through in life, you understand some of the fucked up situations Victor has experienced better than most other people; as a result of that, you have a unique understanding of his hot/cold feelings about the gang

I.e. You get why it isn’t just black and white for him - other people may see the guys as straight-up evil, but it’s different for Victor, and you get that

Essentially you understand that he’s a ride or die (because genuine loyalty), but that he’s also ready to jump ship in the interest of not becoming something he isn’t; he’s never been able to express that to anyone else 

Because you get why Victor feels moved to leave the gang sometimes (and partly because of your own experiences with them), you support him in that direction whenever he mentions it

Being that you don’t sugarcoat things, you confirm for him that the guys aren’t people that would be good for his adult life - he’s always thought that in his head, but has never had another person around who knew the guys personally to corroborate the opinion

Meaning, now that the opinion has been corroborated, it’s kind of huge for him

You may ultimately be the thing that gives Victor the strength he needed to leave the guys, because you help cement his view that it would be the right thing to do

Plus, his relationship with you would fulfill him to an extent where he wouldn’t feel as attached to the gang as before, and he would see himself as being much happier in a future with you than in a future with them

In short, you might change the course of Victor Criss’s entire life - have fun being the best thing that’s ever happened to him

[eloqvents]

♡  ◟ °  ›   lucy boynton, female, she/her, twenty three   ⋯   ❛   thank you for applying to SEX AND THE TITTY, ELODIE MONET ! before we start this job interview, i would just like to go over a few questions. you said your best attribute was DEBONAIR, right ? well, word around town is that some people find you to be a bit more GUARDED… but, nevermind that. i’m actually more curious about whether you were actually caught DRUNKENLY SERENADING OUTSIDE OF YOUR EX’S HOUSE AT 3 AM last year ? oh, you were ? that’s unfortunate. on the bright side, i heard that you excel at COOKING …. so that’s cool ! now, one more question … your last manager said that you’re hiding THAT YOU PRETENDED TO GO TO REHAB TWO YEARS AGO BECAUSE YOU WERE PREGNANT, is that true ? — haha , just kidding ! they didn’t say that, i just read that about you online . anyway , you got the job ! ❜ 】 eri, pst, she/her. 

hello all ! it’s eri once again with another muse bc we just can’t get enough. anyway, please excuse how shitty this intro is going to be bc i am lacking sleep.

ok to start off, her parents are loaded so she’s very wealthy. original from la, her father was a well-known producer and her mother a stay at home mom. long story short, their marriage was a far cry from a happily ever after. growing up watching their parents fall apart, elodie and her brother latched onto each other and he remained her wall. it was painfully obvious however that their father favored the other, whether it be because he was the only son, or how musically and theatrically inclined he was... and she found herself thrown off to the side much like her mother, except a lot stricter rules set in place that she found herself easily breaking. curfew? forget it. no boys? she was sneaking them in all too often.... but even more easily having her girl “friends” over for sleepovers with no questions asked. she began resenting her father early on and it only grew the more rules, until finally she threw all caution to the wind and fell off the expected monet route.

by 15 she was known as the party girl. she did her school work most of the time, kept good enough grades to keep her parents off at least that aspect of her life. going out every weekend, never coming home on time or just refusing to answer her phone. she was a hellion, with no cares in the world, and she simply lived with no worries and absolutely no care or respect toward her parent's wishes. they virtually gave up on controlling their daughter by the time she was 17, clearly making her own choices and took no bother in chastising her as they knew their efforts would get them nowhere.

despite the dysfunction of the family, they did vacation to stone harbor every summer which had become some of elodie’s favorite memories of her younger years ( i would love any plot referencing her coming back every year and what not ok )

at 18 she had a choice. college, or follow her heart. new york was calling, as much fun as she had in la... it just wasn’t quite it. and new york was so exciting. the following summer she found herself back in stone harbor, unable to resist the tradition but instead opting to stay the summer..... except she never left. with all the fond memories she held in the place, and finally being far away from her family, she felt like she’d found herself. or at least the closest to home she’d ever had.

we gonna skip ahead to her getting pregnant three years ago, which is something she told no one (not even the potential father). the day she found out she was packing her bags and leaving stone harbor with no word, instead of leaving a note for her roommate ( plot wanted ) at the time, and sending out a group text explaining she had decided to go to rehab. it seemed like a good excuse, not a complete lie considering she did not touch any alcohol or substance during her pregnancy. she instead went and stayed with her aunt and uncle in london.

she went back and forth on what she wanted to do, spending her days swaying back and forth between keeping the baby and starting a fresh life or putting it up for adoption. but after a particularly painful depressive episode, she decided for the safety of both of them she had to give her baby girl up. this is when her aunt and uncle said they would take the baby in, not wanting to separate family, and it is a secret she’s kept in to this day.

coming back from rehab, she had changed. at first cold, extremely depressed, and she wanted to stay away from her prior addictions but within a few weeks she was right back into it. drinking nearly daily, taking whatever pills or drugs were offered, although she was much more cautious when it came to sex. becoming quite a bit pickier when it comes to men, however her love for women only seemed to grow.. likely due to the fact she could not get pregnant that way.

she’s had her ups and downs, about six months ago she came back from a few months at rehab once again after an especially harsh bender that landed her in the hospital. sobriety has continuously and still continues to be a struggle for her. she swore up and down that she wanted the help after begging her parents to pay ( not wanting to dip into her own hefty inheritance ) for her to go back, although within a month she found herself dabbling in other substances, occasionally taking a little too many of her medications at once, and having a drink, or two, or three....

while she was staying with her aunt in france, she spent a lot of time cooking with the elder woman and it became the most therapeutic thing to her... at least without getting high.. it’s become one of the only things that can genuinely distract her, although she does become a master chef when you add a little pot to the mix, but she hardly counts that against sobriety anyway.

personality-wise elodie doesn’t really hold back her opinion, and although she won’t go out of her way to avoid stepping on toes, she will try to make things as least confrontational as possible. in her opinion, life has shoved her around enough and she prefers to not allow anyone the excuse to do it too. but........ in those cases she will probably show her temper and make sure people know she isn’t going to be walked all over. she’s very upbeat, tries her hardest to be excited for life each day ( or pops an extra xanny if it’s a particularly hard day ). however.. her bad days are bad. if she’s down enough its nearly impossible to get her out of bed for anything other than a shower. some are harder than others, especially nearing the birthdate of her daughter delaney ( 2 currently ). 

a few more facts bc this is long uh: she writes a letter every day to her daughter and saves it in a special box kept secret in her room. she dabbles in poems and other types of prose, and has a goal of one day writing and illustrating her own childrens book in dedication to her daughter. she has a lot of money and could technically afford to not work, however she took a bartending job at sex and the titty for side cash and to send a monthly check to help support her daughter. and laaaaastly, she is kind of a hopeless romantic and loves romcoms way too much. she is 100% the type that believes very strongly in love but just ... sucks at it. she’s scared to commit herself but she’s also not afraid to shout from the rooftops ??? rn she’s trying to work on herself so 

oh and here is a playlist and pinterest for her even tho she wasn’t here for the task:)))

connection ideas ( plots page currently in progress )

an ex who she serenaded drunk at 3 am bc that rumor is definitely real

possible baby daddy

her old roommate that she bailed on, can be positive or negative

a best friend, like the blair and serena type ( minus all the fighting ... or not ) that can tell each other and count on the other for anything

exes in general, good, bad, ugly, any and all.

slow burn ??? or the one that got away ??? or maybe they just keep missing each other ???

maybe an enemy or someone she had a falling out with in the past

ANYONE SHE USD TO HANG OUT WITH IN THE SUMMER BEFORE ACTUALLY LIVING THERE. gimme them long term friendships / relationships

a good influence // the person who tries to help her not keep fucking her life up

alternatively .. the bad influence that encourages and participates in a lot of not so good activities with her

tbh i just want anything and everything so throw any ideas at me bc i’ll probably be in

listen i know i forgot like 239523852 things and rambled on too much but i just love her and could go on forever.