#I am most likely going work myself into an early grave

[holiestartthou]

Having a disability but not being able to get proper aid for it is the literal fucking worst. “You have X disability” my doctors tells me, but i am not disabled enough to require help bcoz obviously I am able enough to keep a job haha :)

A job that is wearing me down physically that I can’t keep up with but can’t afford to loose due to the current economy :)

A job that leaves me bed ridden on my days off and barely able to feed myself when I get home bcoz of how much fucking pain I’m in :)

A job that is making it extremely hard for me to do any of my hobbies bcoz of the physical and mental fatigue, which in turn makes my clinical depression worse :) b

A job that would do wonders for me to quit but is unfortunately the only high paying position around me and again: bills too high :)

[toastsnaffler]

I love to talk but I rly do feel like we have to be talking for a minimum of 8 hours straight before I feel like I can even begin to rly broach things on my mind or that have been bothering me a lot that I actually want to talk abt without being vague or deflecting or omitting or lying and if the conversation takes a break at any point it resets back to 0 and its still nice regardless but.

[byechristopher]

⠀

In Another Life.

– CHRIS STURNIOLO ANGST.

Author's note: omg hi, again. You'll soon find out how much I love angst, trauma and just "dark" fics. It's a way to express myself every once in a while. I hope you all like it, if you have any requests in mind, feel free to let me know. I will make it up to you all with some fluff, I promise, lol. Do not copy/steal my work. :)

Warnings: (not proof-read) this is pure angst, mentions of death, coping with death in general, trauma bonding. If any of this is triggering to you, do not read, please. Have a great day, instead.

Playlist:

It is only 6:00AM and I am up and running, ready to start my long day, although my sluggish gait says otherwise. I always loved waking up so early in the morning – it gave me time to start doing things when people were still sleeping. It is always a struggle to keep myself awake, though.

"I'm outside."

The screen lights up and I can see Chris' name from here – he must be outside already. I sigh and I quickly put my jacket and scarf on, not forgetting my boots, of course. With my bag in my hand, I quickly leave the house, trying to be as quiet as possible so that my mom doesn't wake up.

Chris is waiting in the car, I take a better look at my surroundings – the fog makes it hard for me to see, it's dark and it's cold, and the humidity makes it look like it rained.

"Hey, Chris. Thanks for picking me up." I mumble, he nods with an understanding look on his face. He's got that sickening purple colour under his eyes and his skin is even paler than usual. We match, he looks like a mess, too.

How couldn't he, anyway? It was a difficult day today. It's only been three years and how could we ever forget?

Me and Chris have known each other for a long time. Ever since we were babies – our families were very close. That was until my parents got divorced and we never saw my father ever again; made my mom isolate herself. My father came back one day, asking for forgiveness for leaving like this. Not from my mom, from me. I didn't want to trust him but I still talked to him every now and then. Now, Chris never really liked me and I never really liked him, it's not like we ever had an actual conversation. Before something terrible happened, to the both of us. On the same day. On the same plane. The plane crashed – my father happened to be there and Chris' best friend happened to be there.

We were both devastated so we found ourselves hanging out more than usual – is it called trauma bonding? I think so. That's what we did. Bonded over trauma. Because that's what we needed most; a person who knows and feels what we feel, who goes through the same experience. I don't think it was he healthiest thing to do, but who is really healthy inside on this earth?

"Give me, like.. fifteen minutes. I'll be back, okay?" he says and I give him a reassuring hug, pecking his cheek. I nod, watching him go visit his best friend's grave while I visit my father's.

"I can't believe it's already been three years since you've been gone." I chuckle, making sure everything is clean and the flowers are nicely put in the vase, "right when you were about to actually spend time with me, hm?" I can feel the tears in my eyes, and every time I speak, it's like I'm digging an invisible knife deeper into my heart.

I don't know how long it's been because I'm still cleaning and trying not to think about anything, but I see Chris walking over to me. It's so obvious that he's been crying, but he offers a smile anyway. His nose is red, it's kind of cute.

"You feeling okay?" he wraps an arm around my shoulders, giving me a reassuring squeeze. I nod.

"What did I always tell you? Everything happens for a reason." I chuckle, wiping the tears away from my eyes as we walk away, and towards the car.

"I used to hate hearing that. But I believe it now." he nods and clears his throat, "Connor believed it, too." it took him a while to say his best friend's name without crying. I told him that Connor wouldn't be happy to see him crying like this – that was the only way to make him stop.

"I gotta go to work, now. But we'll meet later, yes?" I say, wrapping my arms around his waist, looking up. The combination of the sky, his tears and his pale skin make his eyes go icy blue, I can't help but smile a little bit. He nods and cups my cheeks, bringing me closer to him to give me a soft kiss on the lips.

I'm not sure what me and Chris have going on. We definitely hang out a lot, we kiss, I basically have all of my stuff in his house, we have sex, but we've never said anything about relationship, or anything like that for that matter. We've been going through the most traumatic and difficult experience in our lives, so I feel like we desperately need the affection but we're the only ones who feel the same. So we just.. do stuff together. I try not to think about it too much.

I definitely not want to think about it when I'm in his arms. We're in front of the fireplace, sitting down on the carpet. I'm sitting in between his legs with my back pressed against his chest, and his arms wrap all the way around my shoulders and knees (that are pressed to my chest), keeping me warm.

"I'm so glad to have you here with me, being by my side on this horrible day, every year." he whispers in my ear and I close my eyes.

"So am I. You're making me feel like I'm not as alone as I thought I was." I whisper back and let my head fall on his shoulder, turning my head so that I'm able to look up at him. We sit in silence for a bit.

"I was thinking.. what you always say. Everything happens for a reason. What if.. what if all of this never happened? What if they were both still alive, what if our families kept being this close, what if we kept hating each other.. would we still find a way to be where we are now?" his voice is low and steady, I can see the fire moving in the reflection of his glistening eyes, "or was this tragedy meant to happen for us to find what we wanted in each other?"

I stay silent for a little bit. I've thought about this a million times and every time makes me go crazier than the previous one, "is love supposed to grow in souls and bodies that are filled with so much pain? Because if so, then it's nothing like what they taught us love would feel like."

"Do you think love is what we feel for each other?" he presses a kiss on my warm cheek.

"I don't know." I say truthfully, "I think that we both find shelter in each other's pain. We feel the need to be heard, to be understood, and then we want to hear the other, to understand their pain. To help each other, to be there whenever they might need, to care."

"Isn't that what love is?" he asks innocently, "in its most tragic form?" he looks me in the eyes and smiles softly.

"I suppose so.. yeah.." I say because, indeed, love could also bloom in shattered hearts, it doesn't always have to be flowers and rainbows, "and to answer your question.. I think I would definitely imagine myself loving you, without all of these." my voice is as soft as it can get.

"I would definitely fall in love with you, too." he says, looking into my eyes. And for a moment, I imagine us just like this. In a life where we would be happier. In a life where we would be able to love each other, without anything holding us back, in a life where we could keep the people that we wanted in our lives. In a life where we would have the space and time to express our feelings, understand our feelings.

"So, stay with me forever and even longer than that.." he says and I smile, leaving a trail of kisses on his neck, all the way up to his cheek and lips, "I might be able to become someone who loves you even in the good times."

"That's a promise, then. Because I'm definitely staying, till I'm ready to love you in the good times, too." I smile and slowly turn around to face him this time, wrapping both of my arms and legs around him, like a koala.

He laughs, he's hugging me and kissing me softly, "want me to make you some hot chocolate?"

"Yes, please."

⠀

[crismakesstuff]

im so excited for invincible s2b now that it has an official release date… and that release date is march 14th

Let me talk about why that has me worried for the future of the show

‼️also no hate to any other shows mentioned‼️

I want to start with these two images :

invincible compared to the boys and now hazbin hotel has BARELY gotten any offical advertising on this level. The boys also got ads in times square for the promotion of s3 and the spin-off gen v im pretty sure but I could be wrong.

Don’t get me wrong I am rly happy to see an animated show get promotion at that level and I think more streaming services should do the same but why is it that invincible, a show on its SECOND SEASON gets nothing? The official invincible accounts have to do most of the heavy lifting themselves with generating hype on their twt,insta and tiktok. People complain that the accounts often make “an announcement for the announcement” but they have too! They literally have no other option! It sucks to see invincible show signs of a show thats clearly being tampered with by executive fuckery that has led so many other animated shows to an early grave.

Also I NEED people to realize that invincible’s release schedule NOT THE FAULT OF THE CREW

I see people regularly being rude and borderline aggressive to crew members online (which ive seen happen in other fandoms too) but the amount of people that were bitching and whining about the hiatus saying things like “this is why we shouldn’t let animators have good working conditions” and people agreeing with those takes were INSANE. The crew have no control over when the show drops or not, that is a decision left up to executives.

Now why could this delay be happening ?

a little bit ago amazon made this announcement to its customers:

this very well lines up with what many people began to speculate online as to why invincible had such a weird release schedule for season 2. They release the first half and get people hooked on the first 4 episodes ending on a massive cliffhanger and then release the second half after ads are introduced in hopes of making more money bc ppl don’t want ads in the middle of their shows.

Even then many people (myself included) think that it would’ve ultimately been better for the sake of the shows own hype to just wait to release them in March back to back all 8 episodes. Because the midseason break just kneecapped the hype the show had built up so hard and now many people are reasonably frustrated.

Because there was no clarity on when the show would be back. Most people assumed it would be a month long break for the holidays which shows have done for a long time. And then fake leaks came out that the show would come back in early January, and then the invincible accounts were virtually silent, and people were saying the break was intentional for fans to (recover) for ep 4. It was all over the place

What should fans do going forward?

Best thing you can do is stream the show legally if you can! TALK about invincible, don’t let the hype die out. Get this shit on trending ! Boost any official posts online showing that there is still a demand for this show! If you can, buy merch! Read the comics legally ! LET AMAZON KNOW WE STILL CARE ABOUT THIS SHOW!

again no hate to the other shows here bc ive watched all of them! I just want invincible to get some of that love too because this show is so amazing and you can tell how much love the crew has put into it <3

[crumblinggothicarchitecture]

aaaaahhhhhh I need to scream about Taylor swift. just FUCK HER. oh my god. I have depression. it fucking SUCKS. and she leaves her boyfriend for being too depressed ATYHYTFBD HRRRGGGGGGGGG. AND THE PHSYCE WARD AESTHETIC. WTF IS WRONG WITH HER OH MY GOD. yubvefinhj arrrggghhhhhh I want to rip my skin off she makes me so mad.

I know this ask is about a month old now- I apologize if you were waiting for a response. I'm sensing a lot of frustration and anger here. Let me know if I am off base.

I thought receiving this was interesting- which is why I would like to reply. I understand your frustration- as someone who has also struggled with mental health, as I am sure many of us have, it is easy to let the frustration bubble up into anger. Taylor Swift, and her music, has remarkable impact on the culture.

I want to pause for a moment here- and let you know that I understand your anger. I cannot describe the feeling I had realizing that Swift’s latest album is basically an aesthetic co-opting of real mental health struggle.

Also- I work in an English Department- do you have any idea how obnoxiously hard it is to not role my eyes every time I think about the most pretentious and stupid album title ever: "Tortured Poets Department."

I really think she got one fake college degree from NYU and fancied herself an academic. (Please spare me the ineptitude).

I understand- and I also realize that this ask was but a brief moment of your day-if the anger is overwhelming, I would still urge you to recognize your own power. Oftentimes, I think anger releases out of frustration because we feel the person causing this frustration has so much more power than us- they exist above us- out of reach. As such, there is no way to truly communicate the frustration- or seek any recompense for it. A lack of ability to communicate- and be heard- can cause anger, it is human nature. We are both social creatures, and intuitively reactive. Both a blessing and a curse.

Please recognize that no matter how loud the divisive few, like Swift, are- culture is with the people, always. Combat the negativity with whatever positivity you have to give. Personally, I combat the negativity I see in the album by analyzing it- holding it up to the light and hopefully showing others how and why this is wrong. I do this with many authors- I've lambasted Hemmingway enough times now and written myself into an early grave railing against Joseph Conrad. Do not fear- or give frustration into anger- what you cannot control; instead use your own gift, whatever that may be, to give something good to the world- in the process it will make up for the bad.

Please note too that I am not talking about toxic positivity- about the kind of positivity that requires "everyone be nice all the time and never say a single curse word ever ever ever" UWU- BS - but rather actionable positivity. Definitive actions you take in the world- to right the moral wrongs. For me, this meant going to school- getting an education into moral philosophy and Literature- so that I might teach other how to critically analyze the world around them. All in effort, to affect actionable positive change, however small, in the lives of others. Teaching them to not only think about the concept of tenets of their reality, but to intentionally act with a moral backbone as they traverse their own lives. A metanalysis of self- that sincerely codifies our own agency in creating our reality. Ultimately, I act with intention, seek education, to give myself a tool with which I can work. See- actionable positivity. I seek to give people a reason to identify their own agency- their own power- and hopefully use that to be empathic, kind people, who think for themselves.

What, I wonder, does actionable positivity mean to you?

I really believe this- as silly as some people might find me for saying it. I really think only positive action, forethought and analytical, engaged minds, can rectify the moral corruption others bleed into the world. Swift is but one morally bankrupt individual amidst billions of people- all with differing moral centers. I say that among billions Swift will fade into obscurity. Hopefully, the good will outweigh the bad- to negate the negative cultural impact Swift has. Hopefully, we will all be smart enough to negate the environmental destruction of Swift as well (but I am a philosopher and not a climate scientist- so I suppose I must leave the particulars of that kerfuffle to the professionals).

I cannot comprehend the thought process of those who know better and still choose to continue supporting Swift. This album was a final straw (of sorts) for me. Frankly, I cannot comprehend the thought process of Swift either- who decided to write a whole song about how she is bored with her long-term boyfriend because he has depression.

Not to mention how cruel it is to out the mental health status of another- she was also marketing the album predicated upon the idea of this being a "break-up" album, which instrumentally has the effect of modulating the tone. Tonally, she defined this album by her own myopic lens of human experience- and her selfish desire to eternally be the damsel in distress. No- Swift is never a grown woman in control of her own actions, in any of her songs, she is instead eternally pointing a finger and say, "look at what you made me do."

The effect of marketing this album as a "break-up" album has the rhetorical effect of rendering every song on the album as blame-pointing from each of Swift expressed "down-trodded melodrama" not as a symptom of her actions, but as the result of her breakup. It even modulates the extent to which she can ever conceptually admit to any wrongdoing, because she has effectively embedded the rhetorical appeal "not my fault" into every aspect of her life. Thus- even if she did say "I'm at fault" it is overwritten by the tone of her own innocent, damselesque persona. People would still view her as the victim. Now, would this be a problem if the breakup was explicitly mutual? Maybe- maybe not. This is, however, a problem when Swift expressed again and again that the breakup was due to the other party- either being too depressed, or not being quick enough to marry. Thus, her getting bored enough to emotionally cheat.

In essence, Swift created a type of rhetorical vortex around the album though which every song is instrumentally telling about a different facet of her own instinct to paint herself as a victim of circumstance in every situation.

Not only was the ultimate onus of her album- breaking up- but it was also her "going crazy." She, on one hand wants to shame others for having a mental health struggle, while also co-opting it, using it as an aesthetic, and then reverting the narrative back to her being the ultimate victim because now- get this- she's the super sad one. So sad that she needs to dance on top of a giant metal psych ward hospital bed for the TTPD set of the Era's tour. She's so sad that she needed to cheat on her long-term relationship, then immediately pivot into a new relationship with someone who she thinks "looks like a high school bully."

What I think is truly heinous- is just her representation of her own mental health downturn as legitimate, and others mental downturns are illegitimate- or are an inconvenience to her.

Is this really the message I want millions of women around the globe to hear and internalize? no- because it is cruelly self-centered and melodramatic.

So- yeah, it's just so painfully mean-spiritied.

Anyway- I don't want to run away with my answer here, so I will leave off here. I hope you did not mind my waxing poetic a bit in the middle there- I am in a reflective mood tonight. I've been rereading various texts I wish to include in my freshman class on critical thinking. So, I am dwelling on what it means to critique Swift- keeping in mind my ultimate intentions, in life, which is to inspire people to think for themselves.

Anyway dear- this answer is becoming too long. Rest easy- and I hope you know that anger can be a wonderful tool- for fueling passion.

Good luck out there.

[marengogo]

NAKED - 4: RUN Jungkook

There For You - by Martin Garrix, Troye Sivan  [There For You]

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

It’s June 12, 2017, 「BTS Festa 2017」 pulls up now remember that these festa dinners/events are usually filmed beforehand perhaps days, longest a month, most likely depending on their schedule and amongst their usual excitement and bickering we are very randomly and oh-so-casually made privy of a particular piece of information regarding Jungkook: During 2016, the only birthday present he gifted was to Jimin and the public the boys wants to know why.

[Here is the BangtanSUBS link to that dinner and the TimeStamp (TS) for that particular questions is → 53:27

  ]

For the life of me, I’m not sure exactly what they expected him to answer, or actually let me correct myself real quick; I'm not sure exactly what Jimin expected him to answer. If you watch the entire video, the members make it clear throughout the session that because they are all around each other so much, they ran out of things to ask or discuss about each other, hence most of the questions they came out with were for lack of anything real to say and really just to create lighthearted banter. 

During this brainstorm-for-banter one of the members did bring up the question, which sparked JM’s interest and the way I’ve always pictured JM in my head during this moment, was him going “you know what? Yeah. Let's ask this …”. Mind you, this was a period (as shown from the infamous JinJikook vlive:

) where JM seemed to almost be requesting from JK to come forth saying things he thought he wouldn’t hear if not in front of a camera 😬.

JK didn’t answer the question, at least not in the direct way that perhaps JM wanted him to but he was hella smart about it!. If you watch the whole video you’ll see that from the moment the question was asked, JK wasn’t even given the time to reply, it was a whole back-and-forth between all the members who probably felt like some sort of grave was being dug, until JM would bring it back to subject and try to make JK answer. But JK did handle it like a pro and replied that he’d place more care in choosing member’s gifts from then on. 

Why did JM want something from JK so badly? Why was JK fighting not the give this something to JM? I’m afraid we will never know unless they tell us and for the rest it can be all up to speculation, but this goes well into Jikook 2016 dynamics so I can’t digress 🥴 Back to todays topic!

So, in my opinion, JK might have dodged a bullet that day but I think it was finally made even louder and clearer that soemthing had to be done. Jungkook needed to RUN. And not run as in “run away” but run in the RUN BTS way, he needed to get to work to “solve a mission” because whatever feelings or message he was maybe trying to convey to JM were apparently not coming across; so JK got to work. 

October 13, 2017 & October 15, 2017 rolled around. The first being JM’s birthday, which he went on vlive for and the second being a VMON vlive after their concert in Osaka

1:

2:

During vlive #1, JM is wearing presents given to him by members (as he said), one is the shirt and second is the cartier nail ring, which we will then discover, during vlive #2, was a gift from Joon. As explained by Joon, he got the gift early and also gave it to JM early. The members were all except for jimin of course added to a group where Joon wanted to give people a heads up and make sure that they didn’t feel pressured to do anything by this time gifting culture among bts was taking afoot thanks to JM himself.

I know many might want to and had speculated know what JK thought about Joon’s gift but in all honesty, I do get the vibes of him being a person very focus on his own tasks and he was a man on a mission at this point in time. Hence, besides not being it his place to start dictating to his Hyungs what they could and could not give their member as a gift, to be very honest, as he probably was already planning this try trip for a while by then I think that Joon could have given JM a diamond studded cellphone cover and JK wouldn’t have cared.

JM appreciates gifts and affectionate gestures a lot, but what he seems to really love are messages and words of affection. JK knew that by then and he did indeed have a message. So it was that, on October 13, 2017, JK posted his happy birthday tweet and to everyone’s confusion and curiosity he also added the words “It’s not over yet …”

The trip to Japan wasn’t a random “let me gift him a trip”, many interviews prior and after their trip will indicate that JM REALLY wanted to go to Japan. The way I’ve always pictured JK as he decided in his plans of action was JK probably sitting down and thinking, “I’m not the best with words but I have something to convey, what do I do?” In an interview released on November 17, 2017 meaning the interview happened beforehand, and in this case obviously before their trip by the Japanese magazine Non-No, Jimin says:

And so it was that according to various accounts of a Jikook airport citing we know they were at the airport on October 28, 2017 and were definitely back by November 1, 2017 as they had the ”Love Myself,” UNICEF’ new project with BTS, in Seoul on Wednesday. (Korean Committee for UNICEF)” press conference.

By this time, November 1, 2017, JM had no idea what would happen exactly the following week. Even after he’d post his two VLOGs for their dear first trip (November 6), he still had no clue. 

VLOG 1:

VLOG 2:

So then came November 8, 2017. On this day JK would release his first Golden Closet Film, in Tokyo (GCFT). I wasn’t around at the time, but I can only imagine how excite everyone would have been to see JK’s take of Tokyo through his lenses. Yet as views started rolling in and comments piling up, by shippers and not, one thing became unanimously agreed: Rather than Tokyo, there seems to be a lot of JM. 

Eventually we’ll find out that JK, amongst many of his sources, used a “how to make a travel vlog with your boyfriend/gf” tutorial video, which if it wasn’t eye-brow raising worthy already, added to his paying credits in order to use Troy Sivan’s There For You as the video’s BGM, it surly has maaaaany thinking.

Now we can stay here and analyse the song all day but one thing is for sure, every edit/movie/video has a climax, and for the climax of GCFT the clips were edited to match with the following lyric “Boy, I'm holdin' onto something Won't let go of you for nothing. I'm runnin', runnin' just to keep my hands on you. There was a time that I was so blue, What I got to do to show you?” and then for the GRAND FINALE:  “Running, running, just to keep my hands on you. Running, running, just to keep my hands on you. Said, I’m running, just to keep my hands on you. But you gotta be there for me too”. 

So here is what I think, feel and took out of this regardless of me thinking it to be a romantic love: JK had a couple of messages. As we may all know already or not LOVE is not as easy as the 4 letters it is made of, it varies greatly in meaning, display and intensity. However, regardless of the type of love he felt/feels at the time of him creating GCFT he clearly wanted the intended person of the video to know: 

That he’ll be there for them, that he’d been running just to be there for them, but that at the same time, he needed them to be them for him too. 

... I may be mistaken but how many times has JM publicly requested to hear something from JK after this? Feels, to me, like the message was delivered.

HAPPY 5th YEAR ANNIVERSARY for GCFT.

Always respectfully yours 💜💛,

Marengo. 

PS - … Wanna get a little delulu? → Blood-Moon

[felinemotif]

i’m very curious now—what are your favorite books? (not giving a number or genre or anything so you can list as many or as few as you’d like 💞)

livvy, this is my favorite question to be asked. like, ever. i love talking about what i read jaja. i am going to attempt to keep this list somewhat orderly and of reasonable quantity, just because i know there's so much and honestly, it's ever-changing and ever-growing because i tend to purchase a couple of books each week (and that doesn't even touch my library card).

i am... so sorry for the length of this. warning that some of these recommendations include memoirs about sa and abuse. umm this includes everything from memoirs to textbooks.

in no particular order (beyond in the dream house, which will forever be at the top of any list):

in the dream house by carmen maria machado. i own SEVEN copies of this book. i have read it in two languages. i live and breathe it. the day i don't recommend this book is the day after i died, and quite honestly i might just crawl out of my grave to shove it into someone's face one more time. it's my favorite memoir. hell, it's my favorite thing to read in general. i once carried it around in my purse for an entire YEAR despite having finished it the day i bought it originally. it has the most interesting narrative style and prose i have ever encountered. it also has a long list of trigger warnings as it's a memoir centered around domestic abuse in a wlw relationship. it's powerful & poignant. it also sucks you right in, because carmen chose to use you for her memoir instead of i.

her body and other parties by carmen maria machado. this is carmen's only other published work (she's had her hand dipped in others, but these two are the ones solely written by her; i also recently picked up a copy of carmilla that was edited by her!). i am a sucker for this woman's writing, everyone who knows me knows that, so it's no surprise that she's on this list twice. if she ever publishes a third story, i have no doubt it will become a favorite as well. she phrases things in such crazy, thought provoking ways. it's made me stop and think multiple times. you would never think to word things the way that carmen does. this one is a collection of short stories. my favorite was the husband stitch. there are horror elements. it's a collection that really makes you reflect on what it means to be a woman in a male-dominated society.

i am not myself these days by josh kilmer-purcell. a very intimate memoir, it goes into depth regarding his time alternating as an ad exec during the day and a drag queen at night. saw someone on goodreads call it as mesmerizing as a train wreck-- which about sums it up and is what prompted me to read it in the first place. it's loud, it's raunchy, it's in your face about real life problems, it's queer. it talks about the love he had for a male escort and struggles with addiction. it's honest in the highs-and lows of the glitz and glam. dark. and also written in the very early 2000s so while the issues faced aren't outdated, much of the language is.

i'm glad my mom died by jennette mccurdy. listen, i have some major mommy issues. we went no contact when i was 16. i knew going into it that this was going to be a hard-hitter for me. i kid you not, i used up multiple boxes of tissues while reading this. my copy is covered in annotations and highlights and tabs. it looks like it's been through hell and back. though jennette shares a story of shame, anxiety and various disorders, she does so with a strong voice. it's raw. probably the most helpful memoir i've ever read. i still have a lot of healing to do regarding my own childhood and it's often difficult to talk about, but reading this helped. it's like objectively i know i'm not alone in my trauma, that it's not only my mom who was bad. but it can be difficult to remember that when you're sitting by yourself and questioning 'what did i do that made it so my mom couldn't love me'.

there was a quote i particularly resonated with.

[I have no idea how to go about doing this. I have no idea how to go about life without doing it in the shadow of my mother, without my every move being dictated by her wants, her needs, her approval.]

no longer human by osamu dazai. semi-autobiographical. it's a very quick read, less than 200 pages. i think i read it in about half a day. osamu dazai remains one of japan's most well-known authors, and for good reason. the character he tells his story through, oba yozo, feels incapable of connecting with the world and the people in it. he remarks on things without sentimentality while yearning to understand those that do. it's bitter and depressive and deals with life in a postwar japan, digging into oba's relationship with his family and women, and his struggles with suicide attempts. additional warnings for misogyny, but i figure that's to be expected given the time it was written.

my husband by maud ventura. i read this one because a book reviewer i trust said that 'if you liked the tv show, you, then this is for you.' and she was right. it depicts a successful 40 year old french woman who seems to have it all. but she's obsessively in love with her husband, and is paranoid as to whether or not he returns her affections. directly from the summary:

[But she's never quite sure that her passion is reciprocated. After all, would a truly infatuated man ever let go of his wife's hand when they're sitting on the couch together?]

it's a contemporary thriller that keeps you on the edge of your seat. i knew when i started the book that the wife's mindset is dangerous, and yet at times she convinced me to start rooting for her. if the stranger in stranger danger was a character, it'd be her.

white nights by fyodor dostoevsky. i'm a fiend for dostoevsky. russian lit is something that came into my life via the gayest method possible: i went to the bookstore a few years ago because i needed to read crime and punishment (also by dostoevsky...there's a pattern here), but i couldn't locate it so i asked the cashier (who happened to be a beautiful blonde with a minor in russian language and literature-to this day i still think to myself 'what are the odds') to help me find it. SOMEHOW she managed to convince me to purchase multiple other russian lit books that day, plus wrote other rec's for further reading in orange sparkly pen on the back of my receipt. i went into that store expecting to spend maybe $20 and left having spent over $100. i still don't know how that happened, she was pretty; that receipt survived a house fire (literally).

um... but i digress LMAO. anyway white nights is a captivating story set in st. petersburg. it's one of the least depressing things dostoevsky has ever written imo. unrequited love/chance love, solitude, and unflinching tenderness. this is good for the romantics. (i say, as an aro.)

know my name by chanel miller. another memoir. excellently written. i'm sure most people are familiar with her story already, but this is a deep-dive on what it means to be a woman dealing with the aftermath of assault. she was described as being the ideal victim-- there were witnesses, little room for he said/she said. and yet. and yet. she opens up about her shame, both self-inflicted and forced on her by the way society views assault survivors. very raw commentary on rape culture in the usa.

all the lovers in the night by mieko kawakami. depicts a freelance writer in her 30s, struggling with loneliness in a fast-paced city with a huge focus on work. this is a character-focused story. i know that a lot of people dropped this without finishing because it had a very slow start and, to some people, an unsatisfying finish, but to me this story couldn't have been told any other way. mieko was telling a story of mundane life. the writing style reflected as much.

our wives under the sea by julia armfield. i can't possible describe this story without spoiling anything, but take this: it's a wlw story where a woman's wife returns to her after she had been stranded at the bottom of the ocean for quite some time. classic 'came back wrong' trope. it's unsettling. this is definitely a 'you either loved it or hated it' book.

lies our mothers told us by nilanjana bhowmick. an indian woman's burden. this is a nonfiction feminist novel. this is such a powerful work that deals with topics like universal suffrage, capitalism and how it harms people (particularly women), workplace harassment and fair pay. it's radical. it talks about how the women before us fought to give us better futures, how they told us growing up 'when you're older, it will be better' and what it's like to grow up and realize that things are still bad.

a certain hunger by chelsea g. summers. for as much as i talk about cannibalism on this blog, it'd be criminal to not have at least one book depicting it on my favorites list. this features a sex-positive, confident food critic who sometimes has men on her plate, not in her bed. it's unintentionally funny.

boy parts by eliza clark. follows a fetish photographer who is very much a classic female manipulator. if you want to read from the perspective of a narcissist, irina is the character for you. plays fast and loose with consent, autonomy and safety. very violent social commentary.

rise of the necrofauna by britt wray. the science, ethics and risks of de-extinction. the author herself has a PhD and is an acclaimed documentarist, but you hear from many other talented scientists throughout reading. i don't know what else to say; it's exactly what it sounds like. if you heard about people trying to bring back dinosaurs and the woolly mammoth and thought, 'that can't be environmentally friendly or ethically sound' then this book is for you. WARNING that britt wray does NOT 'dumb' anything down. it is not an easy read. i frequently had to stop and do some research to understand what certain things meant.

plants that kill by elizabeth dauncey. a history of the word's most poisonous plants. it talks about the use of plants in medicine, warfare and rituals. complete with detailed diagrams. another text that is exactly what it sounds like. if ethnobotany interests you, you'd enjoy this. otherwise it's probably a dry read.

they drown our daughters by katrina monroe. it's queer. it's modern gothic. it's yet another recommendation of a book featuring womanhood. beautifully eerie and atmospheric. if you're looking for a haunting story with a beach backdrop and strong themes of identity and motherhood.... she's for you.

vampires of el norte by isabel cañas. follows a daughter of a rancher in 1840s mexico. it's a fast-paced historical fantasy where the monsters are both beast and man. childhood lovers separated by tragedy.

shark heart by emily habeck. in their first year of marriage, newlyweds are devastated by the husband's shocking diagnosis: he's slowly turning into a shark. i know it sounds silly and it is, but it's a story of love and loss, with an alternating timeline. the husband is cursed with the knowledge that even after he turns into a shark, he'll still remember everything. magical realism meets enduring love.

[madstronaut]

guess wot my fellow hoes (fellhoes?) you’re getting a two-fer-one deal

obligatory alpha post link below:

because I have been deep in my werewolf/hybrid!CODmen fixation while I was drunk off reading moondrunk I decided to take a break...

....by reading johnny boy and i dont want to even look at that ao3 history stat that tells you how many times you've visited this story IT IS A LOT

my record for one of my comfort stories is 79 times and that was back in january last i looked, and it doesn't count the copypaste backup i have in my notes in case of airplane mode. don't look at me rn (cough obligatory @the-californicationist G&G reference/tag here)

ANYWAY MOVING ON 🐺🐺🐺

Reading: Moondrunk Monster by @ghostgorlsworld

so I went to watch the Love Death Robots episode referred to here and UNFFFF forgot how good that whole series was! wolflovers, go watch the Shape-Shifters episode from S1

once again i love a good fleshed-out reader backstory and this one is no exception

also as a certified graves simp the spittake I had to clean up at reading the phrase “Captain Graves”

also wolf-friendly pain medication? please i would happily read an appendix or endnotes/footnotes about the lore/worldbuilding here <3

"They weren’t used to humans being kind to them."🥺🥺🥺🥺

me to myself: tbh in many ways this is the world we are living in rn

that line about reader sleeping in the back of the med bay reminded me of this famous pic I saw way back when:

U.S. Army nurse Amy Stuart of the 5th MASH unit deployed in Saudi Arabia naps on a cot while hugging a teddy bear sent by her family during Operation Desert Storm (February 22, 1991)

getting a little too real but at my age, always hurts my heart and deeply disturbs me to see people younger than me who i consider children going off to/waging war COUGH ANYWAY SRY ESCAPING REALITY BACK TO FANFIC-

piney has such a succinct, tight way of writing to set the scene and story premise up so well - fucking salivating at ghost taking reader to their tent and him getting miffed at her sitting on soap’s bunk until she sits on his <3 LMAO I SEE YOU GHOSTY YOU LITTLE LOVESICK PUPPY YOU~

You glanced down, seeing the Scottish flag on the wall, the photos of a couple that looked exactly like Johnny. “Oh, sorry.” 

ok but also johnny WOULD have selfies of himself up on his own bunk

“ahm easy on the eyes, aint i LT”

“shut it”

You were American, so you didn’t have much taste for tea unless it was iced and sweet. 

me, a rabid tea swiller, raising my hand: UM NOT ALL AMERICANS HATE “TREE PISS” AS TED LASSO CALLS IT OKAY (okay but I love that show so much)

unfff wolf!ghost crowding reader into his own bed forcing her to sleep in it is just *so many chef’s kisses*

Gaz was healed within a day, coming to visit you with a Snickers bar as thanks. “I’ve been saving it for an occasion,” he said. “Wolves…well, we can’t really have chocolate without quite a bit of pain so I thought I would give it to you instead. As thanks.” 

ok this was the most adorable loredrop ever also literally heartbroken at the idea they can’t enjoy chocolate!!!!

The adjustments were freezing slabs of raw beef and plating it up still half-frozen. this reminded me of this frozen organic dog chow i kept getting insta ads for after dogsitting for a friend (if u can hear this siri/insta ad algorithms, FUCK YOU RESPECT MY PRIVACY) anyway in the ad the way the person plated it for their dog and the way their dog ate it with such gusto made me, a human, want to try the dog food lol

“Not everyone in America lives in Texas, Soap.”

👏thank👏 you👏facts👏

You smiled. “A small town in Oklahoma.”

“Bloody hell, that’s just Texas.”

👏also👏 facts👏 (don’t come for me texans this new yorker will (lovingly) fuck you up; god bless amurica)

He was wearing gloves, as always, but they were warm when he pressed them against the scars, fitting his fingers into the obvious claw marks.

The 141 was silent, watching Ghost with a mixture of surprise and horror. Price looked as if he were about to intervene, his knuckles white around his fork.

i fucking l o v e this entire scene

They were still strangers to you, but the base felt too quiet without them, and your skin felt bare without Ghost’s stare upon it.

i am shivering at how good this sentence is

ghost: has a record for being more wolf than human and acts of aggression against humans

also ghost: makes tea for reader regularly when she can’t sleep

also reader if you’re having a eat-three-powdered-donuts-in-one-sitting kind of day, you eat that whole box girl no one will fault you for it <3

Ghost hummed, then came the unmistakable sound of licking the sugar off his fingers. There had also been blood on his fingertips, from the night’s previous activities.

You don’t want to think about why that makes your belly clench. 

😏😏😏we love the feral ones

also unexpected gifts are some of the best ones

i felt the adrenaline of the humvee ambush like i was watching a live action movie - i could picture the entire scenes very easily in my head <3

and ghost taking off her boots >>>>>>>>

A man in a skull mask was asleep in the chair in front of you, his head tipped back against the wall, his legs relaxed and spread wide. 

ah yes, classic submission position~

The meek little nurse that had put a Colonel’s son in the ER. 

meek is one of my favorite words. i have heard an alternate definition for this as “meekness is great power under control” and it stuck in my head ever since; pls bow before medic reader my meek badass queen

Your heart raced. It was such a human instinct, to see a predator and want to either kiss it or run from it. 

ah yes imho the heart of why wolf/hybrid and enemies-to-lovers etc. etc. etc. tropes and fics are so popular~

Ghost seemed to like your attention, his ears perked at the top of his head. It was oddly endearing, and you normally considered yourself a cat person.

hehe big ghost wolf, smol floppy ears - i will not let this image leave my head

ok and the wolflore about the recessive genes!! eating it all up <3

also i know this is a ghostfic but soap blushing and mumbling bout his coffeeshop crush is soo <333333333

"you’re too young to feel old and miserable like me.” Soap smiled, a bit of cheer back in his eye. “You’re only three years older’n me, lass, I wouldn’t call ye old.”

literally me to anyone <30/even a year younger than me

"ALSO, yes i'm setting up for a future soap/cafe!reader fic"

okay the unholy screech that erupted from me at reading this author’s note i’m-

Graves sat in a simple metal chair, cool, calm and collected without a single blonde hair out of place. 

me fully knowing graves isnt even doing anything here, just sitting: go off, king

“I wasn’t going to let that boy take my soul, sir,” you said calmly. “Not for something as worthless as a career.”

well said indeed <3

You wondered if he would come visit you, if you asked. If he would sit in your dusty, frilly living room and drink from your pumpkin shaped mugs.

PUMPKIN-SHAPED MUGS <3 <3 <3

Price looked up from a paperback, a twitch in his brow. He preferred to keep out of conflicts between the pack, only interfering when blood was spilled. 

oh please my headcanon for price is that he inhales gossip like oxygen and keeps it filed and sorted alphabetically and chronologically in his mind palace to pull up as needed

They were on active duty, for Christ’s sake, it wasn’t like he could bend her over against one of those cots and stake his claim,  COUGHOMGWHYTHEEVERLOVINGFUCKNOTCOUGH no matter how badly he wanted to.  

The 141 hunted at night, so during the day Gaz and Soap would occasionally bring you a muffin for breakfast or a stray cup of coffee. Even Price, the fatherly man he was, brought you one of his extra novels to read while you were awake during the night shift, one of those cheesy detective thrillers that helped you get through the night without passing out on a patient.

who doesn’t love familial!141 🥰🥰

it’s nice to remind yourself that you’re still a simple woman that appreciates a nice mani-pedi and a good hair day.

this is so real - taking care of yourelf/reminding urself to feel human is so important <3

You had the rank and the experience, so of course, you got the lion’s share of reports. ahem this a small almost throwaway line but much appreciated - LEADERSHIP IS FOR SERVICE. TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN FOR THOSE UNDER YOU, AND LIFT THEM UP. TAKE THE HITS SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO - ONES THEY AREN’T EVEN AWARE OF IF YOU’RE GOOD AT IT. anyway stepping down once again from my soapbox-

ah reader i can think of many MANY MANY spicy ways to motivate ghosty to do his patriotic duty~

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

AND ALSO Reading: Johnny Boy by @ghostgorlsworld

first off being thrown into the deep end of the incredible lorebuilding had me ready to swim and dive deep without even taking a breath of reality because the story!!!! the worldbuilding!!!! absolutely immaculate

a recurring daydream/brainrot scenario ive gone back to time and again with my blorbos through the years is getting knocked up with their spawn and having to escape and go on the run and hide the child then have an implausibly wild reunion, often with some physically impossible makeup sex and then birth my own private sports team's worth of children to build our world empire (drama, romance, intrigue, adventure - i would buy out opening night tickets to the movieplots my brain spits out, anyway ty for coming to my BedTedTalk) anyway this has such a unique niche in the CODfics ive read with the almost enemies-to-lovers-back-to-enemies flavoring with brother’s best friend trope in play

on that note, shaking tom’s hand vigorously for sneaking johnny back into reader’s life, then backhanding him with my other hand - also for sneaking johnny back into reader’s life

cute-ass mactavish sire emma needs to eat raw meat to survive? her supernatural senses make her an old soul in a child’s body? no further comments, absolute perfection. i love the explorations of “hey scenting/being a hybrid, ESPECIALLY growing up as one, ain’t all its cracked up to be and is not just all 100% sexy times and funsies” and her picking up on mom being sad all the time a certain someone is near and declaring “if mommy doesn’t like him, I don’t either” just UGGHHHH i just want to give her a hug and tell her it will all work out, shes is in good hands (including but not limited to her own!) also tear the throat out of anyone who would dare steal her childhood (fistbumping my fellow immigrant first gen firstborns&eldest daughters who had to grow up too fast/take care of adults)

also one of the reasons i love this fic is the very fierce and protective love reader has for her emma and their really beautiful bond <3 fanfic can be so healing and tender in very unexpected ways and their relationship slipped past all my walls and armor and just stuck me right in the feels <3

the conversation about grandpa jack haunting them and turning the book pages for him was so sweet i think my molars rotted away on the spot, 🥺🥺🥺 piney i will be billing you for my dental visit expenses; be prepared to pay cos ive always wanted to secretly try out grillz as a new yorker girlie 

also random brainrot but 1000% positive grandpa jack was a fucking hottie in his glory days (underground fighting rings? picturing tyler durden rn)

also please give mama reader a fucking medal, cutting up raw meats and organs first thing in the morning (EVERY morning) is a feat indeed

also johnny/reader’s first meeting at the funeral home is absolutely exquisite, the perfect amount of drama and angst!!! raaaaaa biting my pillow and tearing it to pieces

- reader’s physical reaction to the “he’s behind me, isn’t he” revelation

- johnny’s physical glow-up described through reader’s eyes is just UNFFFF *chef’s kiss*

- reader going straight into panic/mama bear mode re: emma

- “it could have been longer, john” HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY ICE COLD QUEEN PLEASE I CANNOT KNEEL BEFORE YOU FASTER OR I’LL BREAK MY KNEECAPS

- “your voice so cold it stung your tongue as you spoke. The ache in your chest was overtaken by rage, pure and hot. “Excuse me.” i am f e r a l for this line, this is PERFECTION i can taste the emotions here like viscerally on my tongue 

- honestly kudos to reader for not punching tom’s lights out when she’s running to get emma from him

“I don’t care.” You wanted to scream. You wanted to cry. You wanted to dig your nails into his skin and hurt him like he hurt you. “We don’t need you, we never needed you. I loved you, and you left for years . Deal with the consequences.”

Johnny Mctavish, a wolf, a soldier, flinched from you. 

It wasn’t the victory you thought it would be.

AAAAAAAA YES THIS IS ME AS I READ THIS REVELING IN THE ANGST

also the last line of ch1 being “Forget him. John always runs.” and summary of Ch2 being “Johnny comes home.” ????? gonna run out of my lipstick giving chef’s kisses to piney here

the way piney fleshes out reader and her story and history with johnny just makes me want to give her a ginormous hug, also like an all-expenses paid weeklong vacation to the maldives or something for the absolute bullshit she’s endured (might have to join you on this though dear reader my salary/responsibilities working in [redacted] means i also need an all-expense paid weeklong vacation to the maldives)

also I FUCKING SUSPECTED JOHNNY WAS SECRETLY TRYING TO SCENT READER WHEN HE SNUCK UP ON HER TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO SURPRISE HER BY PUTTING HIS MITTS ON HER SHOULDER; i love that emma picked up on this through her nose

“Because you still smell like me, kitty.” brain going brrrr being overloaded with conspiracy theories about teh many layers what this may mean

wolves were different from normal men. Territorial. 

me, reading about fictional territorial wolfmen on tumblr: 🥰🥰🥰

me, reading about IRL men being ‘territorial’: 🤢🤢🤢

“Grandpa was like me,” she said, loyal as always. 

i’ll be totally honest the character i fell head over heels with in this story was not johnny taking first place no - EMMA MACTAVISH MY HEART <3 i hope my future children will be brave, kind, wise, funny and compassionate like you <3

It seemed that the only person suffering in this situation was you.

this line + the short almost throwaway line of reader “laughing wetly” just before it just ughhh my heartache! shoutout to all the hardworking parents/caregivers simply Trying Their Best And Getting No Recognition™️ (madstronaut sees you and applauds you, great is your reward in heaven and or the pits of tumblrhell, dealer’s choice)

“It wasn’t your decision to make, Tom,” you said, your voice reaching that pitch that made you feel like your mother. god this got too real, when i hear myself sound like my mother sometimes (esp. when im mad) i literally narrow my eyes at my own reflection and have to check myself before i wreck myself iykyk

also freaking love the lore about hybrids/wolves being discriminated against in society and johnny’s own experience and pitfalls navigating the world! lorebuilding>>>>>>>>>>>>

You were dressed more appropriately this time, a Black Sabbath tee and sweats, your work clothes of pencil skirts, trousers, and wool sweaters currently drying on the laundry lines in the backyard. 

ok reader i see you my little rocker <3 you would love saint vitus bar in brooklyn; make tom or johnny watch emma so we can headbang to our heart’s content and you can enjoy a well-deserved night out <3 (on that note #REOPENVITUSYOUCOWARDS)

Emma two-handed it, just like you tell her to. It seemed she was trying to be on her best behavior, the little traitor.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH EMMA YOU LITTLE DEVIOUS ADORABLE SHIT (said goodnaturedly) I LOVE THIS LINE SO MUCH

Something in your chest squeezed when Johnny tucked the blanket around Emma’s skinny arms, more gentle than you had ever seen him.

ok though real talk men being gentle and tender, esp. around kiddos - hi, yes please sirs you can indeed help me mop my panties off the floor

Susan didn’t know what to do with a little boy that chewed on the furniture and got sick when she didn’t let him eat raw meat. 

i physically need to see fanart of young wolf!soap gnawing on an armchair leg

This was why you liked Charlie, he was so, so reasonable. 

hello charlie or as i like to call you “walking beige flag” the way i would roast him if i was bffs with reader..

also emma drawing that wolf catcher memory and waiting until soap was there to show it to both him and reader - AAGGGGH I freaking loved this and how clever this is i can do an entire pepe silvia conspiracy board meme breakdown of why and how much i loved this whole interaction

emma knowing it is a tough memory for her mama but choosing to draw and show it specifically to johnny - and waiting til they are all in each other’s presences (presence? idk)

i can see reader fighting (a losing battle lets be honest this is johnny fucking mactavish) tooth and nail so far to maintain the armor of assumptions and explanations she’s told herself to deal with the pain of being in love then (from her pov) rejected and how this has bled into how she paints johnny to emma despite her best efforts 

and yet as they say sometimes the body says and knows what the mind/heart cannot say yet and 1000% sure that little miss wolf emma mactavish loves her mom but is also sure that momma isn’t sure on where she stands with johnny

also ALSO the fact that jack raised both johnny and emma HAS TO MEAN SOMETHING RIGHT - even though they’ve just met i love the little tidbits of the special wolf-to-wolf and father/daughter connection they have

AND AND AND so my grand theory here is that i believe emma made and showed this drawing to johnny because from what she knows - she perceives mama reader to despise johnny on the surface, yet still wants him - but based on what she’s told her about johnny, thinks johnny may not want mama - and drew this to prove mama is still worthy and a great protector - “You haven’t got any teeth or claws but it didn’t matter.” - and “showing her off” to johnny COUGH ANYWAY THAT’S WHERE I’LL END MY THESIS TYVM

also i love the bits sprinkled around the fic about johnny’s eyes sparkling eerie/brighter when he gets worked up

Perhaps all the war and killing really was good for his temperament.

HAHAHAHA OKAY SHIT, MAMA, WHO IS THE DELULU ONE NOW????????? (tbh it’s me, hi im the probl-)

johnny trying to find excuses to spend his PMC savings & money on reader + emma - IRL me and my bills & student loans crying laughing hysterically at reader turning this down

“Shut up!” Tommy said, frowning at you from the couch. “Fuck, lovie, he’s a friend from work.”

The man in the mask raised a hand in an awkward wave.

HAHAHAHHA SIMON!!! his entrance totally threw me off but ofc tom’s SHUT UP (true sibling energy right here, no greeting, just yells) and simon’s lil wave just UGGGGGGGHHHH such a nice palate cleanser from the intense but delicious angst - also tipping my hat at the subtle way to introduce Bi!Tommy with the “he’s not company he’s a guest” line 😏

You felt Simon’s eyes on you, judging, appraising. You were sure Johnny probably didn’t have the nicest things to say about you–most likely that you were an irritating little girl that followed him around for twenty years then proceeded to get pregnant and raise the child without him knowing,

would love to know what and how TF141 thinks of mama reader from how johnny has described her…despite her own misgivings <3

Johnny was an unsuspecting kind of violent, always smiling and laughing until he wasn’t, until it was serious.

Simon was different. He felt older. 

aaaaaa this is SUCH a good characterisation of them both

You had missed him like a lost limb-

ooh i absolutely love this phrase! I have one person in my life i went through a friend breakup with (iykyk - these are more painful than romantic breakups imho) and we mended things and discovered afterwards we both referred to our break in our friendship as ‘having lost a limb’ to other folks (!) sometimes birds of a feather really do flock together

 “It’s just…we’re adults, and adults have tricky feelings. preach mama 🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️

but also pls mama i know you have a kiddo but putting on nail polish right before a date? nooooooooooooooooo though chanel polishes ARE superior cos of that fat brush so all is forgiven <3

also obligatory FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK to charlie for forgetting the date, do you EVEN KNOW THE SUFFERING WE PUT OURSELVES THROUGH TO GET READY FOR A DATE? TO GET READY TO FACE THE WORLD OUTSIDE OUR DOOR, PERIODT?

IF SOMEONE DID THIS TO ONE OF MY GIRLIES I WILL BE READY TO FUCKING SHOW SOMEONE’S BITCH ASS THAT YOU DO NOT NEED TEETH AND CLAWS INDEED TO GET RIGHT FUCKED UP

anyway climbing down from my soapbox on behalf of women everywhere, back to the fic

as a tiny tiny redeemable bit - charlie having weekly dinners with his gran is a huge green flag trait

He stilled, looking at you. His hand came up, pinching your chin like he used to. “You havnae called me Johnny in a very long time.” The rawness of his voice broke you down into someone you used to be, someone that loved him.

me, extremely pleased, reading this: ah yes, in vino veritas~

The alcohol had dampened the anger in your chest, you felt…open. Open to talking about it. Bleeding the poison from the wound.

<3 <3 <3 this line <3 <3 <3

irl sidenote: u can also do this without alcohol my friends <3 trusted friends, therapy, long retreats into nature, safe places, safe people all very effective and cutting right to the heart in the gentlest ways possible, painful but highly recommend over the alternative (and lesser) options of keeping the poison inside <3 

Within a blink, Johnny was kneeling before you, his hands on your knees as his eyes bored into yours. You felt a chill, a whisper of fight or flight pricking your neck at his predatory stare.

ahem hello this is it

this is what does it for me

kneelng for your prey <3

also i love that their first real physical intimate contact after reuniting, beyond that hug after the wolf catcher story, is johnny LICKING reader’s tears off her face

“All I had was a picture and letters, but I could get off just from you writing that you missed me, just from your smell lingering on the fucking paper.” whats that phrase? marines make do? 🥰🥰🥰

me, reading about lacy underwear getting shredded: mmmmf yes sexxxxxyyyy

also me: ok i just know that was expensive, cringing inside at having to replace it

also fics that have men talking to ur pussy as they take care of it >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I CANNOT WAIT FOR READER TO WAKE UP AND SCREAM AT HERSELF  SAW PT 7 POSTED WOKE UP SCREAMING BLACKED OUT AND CONTINUED MY FEVERISH RANTING ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS FIC IN REBLOGS BELOW

[helloneighborfan]

Chapter 13: Sighting

As the couple worked, something on their minds told them to do some "science". Before fully focusing on his job, they took a look at Ted to see if he had something or acted strange, since there was nothing strange they decided to go straight to his job.

.~.

For some reason, I have felt in this building… familiarly safe and serene doing science; It's as if this place has a special vibe, it's probably because it's inside the forest and it's perfect for finding any kind of sightings, like crows flying agitatedly in the sky while a big storm is simulated to fall but in the end it doesn't even fall a drop of water. In any case, that makes the aura that surrounds the station and the forest unique, mystical it would be.

I have not stopped thinking about the first event we had since the day we arrived: A strange figure inside the secret passageway in the basement, maybe I should go see what lies beyond those tunnels and with probably zero chances, find clues or more details about the strange phenomena of Raven Brooks.

"I thought it would be an idea, to investigate the secret passage further, you know?" We'll probably find more information or leave with nothing.

Adelle thought for a moment as she fiddled with her pen. -I know your intentions dear, if it's for research reasons there's no problem, I just ask you to come back on time, okay?

I let out a slight giggle that made me grow fonder of my wife. "I'll do it, I'll be back early."

Oh dear, always aware of everything.

Although I don't know that the damned tunnels that are in the basement of the house await me, I propose the plan of "if I hear any noise, I must escape as stealthily as possible since it echoes throughout the place and symbolizes that I am seeing myself." in my grave

I advance through the tunnels with the lamp I have. I never thought that this would have more than a thousand paths, remember where you went.

The tunnels are more than predictable from my perspective as I see nothing but a series of paths, darkness and the damp smell of earth although the further I walk I see a white light in front of a path I decided to go on.

I follow the hopeful light and see that it is one of the few entrances to the forest.

For extreme situations, it wouldn't be so bad to use these inputs, I mean, the only case would be to see everything mentioned in depth, so I'm starting to like this about the various outputs.

Even daydreaming, I can't stop thinking about the strange sensation that runs through the forest and the tunnels, it's so surreal sometimes, like when you dream of something and when you wake up you can't stop thinking about what you saw in your fantasies.

My thoughts are interrupted when I hear footsteps behind the bush that is a few inches from me. "That is... ?"

The long figure that slowly stands up from the bush begins to reveal a kind of cloak that covers its body with a hood that covers most of its face. The lower part is covered by the bush and it is impossible to make out his face even though it is daytime.

But he notices my presence and runs away from his failed attempt on whoever was his target. Confused and determined, I return to the weather station.

"It's 5:50, I must hurry to get there"

~.~.~

-Oh Ted, you finished the bottle, you were thirsty-. Adelle voiced softly.

The baby just babbled in a cheerful tone. She would definitely have to bring more milk so she could put her son to sleep and so she would rest during his nap. She placed a kiss on his forehead and carefully returned him to her cradle.

For today, she would stop. She put on her trench coat that she matched with her V-neck long-sleeved dress and mid-heeled shoes.

Personally, she was very fascinated by being in an outfit that made her look feminine and comfortable, since in her youth, she had been taught that she should always be presentable, and so she was.

She supported her hands in Ted's cradle and contemplated him in detail. He looked adorable sleeping, especially when he was quiet and obedient. I hum for a few minutes but actually for hours until the door opened.

"So?" Adelle began.

-Did you find something?-

"Of course," Roger continued.

Adelle sat on the stool next to her desk.

-I found a series of tunnels that lead into the forest and have entrances to other places, but the strange thing is that I saw a person with clothing similar to that of a sect.-

-I see-.

After telling what happened, I decide to write down as part of the strange events, the person from the sect.

Theme: Possible sect in the town

Percentage: 0%

Information: More detailed information is required.

After doing their work, the couple goes home to rest from the long day of work they had done. . .

[shizuokadivision]

Reika's Thoughts on 3rd Members

Saburo Yamada 

“Here he is the youngest one of the bunch. Same as his brothers I met him when I dropped off Kiyohime for them to watch while I was on a trip. His personality leaves much to be desired but surprisingly he was the one most fascinated by Kiyohime. He did a deep dive into how to care for snakes and knew things that even I wasn't aware of. Well, he's certainly Kiyohime’s favorite brother now after that.” 

Rio Mason Busujima 

“Ah, Rio surprisingly the member of Yokohama I like the most. He was there as well when I was dealing with those idiots who think they could mess with me. Rio was quite the gentleman and even lent me the use of his encampment to freshen myself up. Afterward, he offered me food something that Samatoki and Iruma seemed terrified of. I am not one to pass up the offer of free food. I spent too many nights going hungry as a child to do that. I'm not even sure what their issue was anyways Rio’s food may look unappealing but I found it was quite delicious.” 

Dice Arisugawa 

“Dice Arisagawa…son of our illustrious prime minister himself. I met him once at a gala years ago before he ran away.” Reika clicks her tongue. “What a turn of events your life has been Arisugawa. Born with everything you could ever want but deprived of a mother's love. An interesting parallel to my own. Born in the slums barely affording a shitty one room apartment but with a mother that loved me with all her heart. Now here we are opposites of what we started as. I am now one of the wealthiest women in the nation and you are nothing more than a homeless gambler. Funny how life works out like that.” 

Doppo Kannonzaka

“I can't help but wonder if this guy is a masochist. He has to be. What normal person would stay at a job that treats them like a piece of shit for as long as he has? You’d think he’d get another job. It's funny. When I was younger back before everything when to shit. I had plans. I was going to get an education, work an office job, and claw my way to the top even if it killed me. Anything to escape the poverty I had grown up in.  Anything so Mama didn't have to be a prostitute anymore. Shame how things don't work the way you planned.” Reika sighs. “I digress Doppo looks like he is about to collapse from exhaustion. Someone needs to give this man a vacation before he works himself to an early grave.” 

Rei Amayado 

“Ah yes, I know men like him very well. Arrogant and pompous sleazeballs. They don't care who they destroy as long as they get what they want. My first husband was like that and look what happened to him. Now normally that would be enough for him to end up on my bad side.” Reika snarls. “This man however is the one responsible for Kanon’s accident all those years ago. Fucking bastard doesn't even care how Kanon’s life was shattered because of his actions. I swear if I see him I’ll personally rip his eye out of his socket.”

Hitoya Amaguni 

“Bleh, a lawyer. As if I already didn’t have issues with the justice system and another lawyer is just what I need like Yuzairu wasn't enough. No thanks, I rather not deal with the law any longer than I have to. So long as he stays in Nagoya far away from we're good.” 

[groundedintruth]

What I'd do for one last drive

The longest hugs my dad and I share are always the ones where one of us has one hand holding onto luggage. The ones that arrived two hours too early and waited at the airport's parking lot just for that moment.

As a child, I couldn't picture my dad without his car. And sitting in the passenger seat, I followed him everywhere. Tagging along for a quick trip to the store I had no business in or a longer drive to the fish market, ready to grab my free juice box from all of his store friends, offering giggles and very few words in return. Sitting in the backseat of the car, too young for the front, I gradually shed my speech impediment, one "ra rajjul" at a time.

My tongue tie didn't stop me from suggesting different destinations. Sometimes we'd take a detour and end up at the arcade or a stationery shop where I'd refuse to leave for hours. And that wasn't the only reason for my dad to go out of his way. He is the most thoughtful person I know. He remembers everything and everyone.

And whether it was climbing a bouncy castle or racing a motor car too big for my size, my dad was always there telling me to get back on no matter how many times I fell.

More than anything, my dad loved to teach, albeit sometimes preferring his way of doing things. And I was always just as stubborn. I never really studied for exams as a child. The real learning happened in conversations with my dad, his endless questions about my day at school guiding me to internalize the entire curriculum through our talks.

My dad loved music. He loved driving to Al Kabli and sometimes silence. And you could never guess what he'd prefer or what was on his mind. When his health was deteriorating, my dad never complained. Instead, he kept asking about our health. As reserved as he is emotional and filled with bursting love.

One of my early childhood memories is running back in excitement and fear as my dad launched a homemade firework. I've picked up his love for adventure, for music and for documentation.

In many ways, I am my father's daughter. We express love in the same way– through thoughtful gestures, penned words, and when words fall short, through music. My dad has scattered pieces of paper and a secret emerald notebook full of things he'd never reveal.

His life was marked by early loss and constant moving. At only six years old, he lost his mother. He spent his childhood between his aunt's house and his dad's, his late teenage years at Wadi Sayyidna, and later left Sudan to pursue dentistry in Yugoslavia (Khartoum universities didn’t offer any dentistry courses back then.)

After returning, he spent some years working in different cities in Sudan. Then in the early 70s, he moved to UAE right when it became a country. And as a proud Sudanese immigrant, he refused to ever become a national of the country he spent half of his life in, a sentiment that I - until recently - struggled to understand.

And so I spent my years between UAE and Sudan, but I don't remember ever visiting with my dad before he eventually retired. In fact, I don't remember my dad ever taking any holidays. Yet again, spending a portion of his life alone.

Years ago, when I learned more about his life and asked "So, you were always living away from family," I didn't realize then that I was becoming like my father – someone who loves food but only enjoys cooking when there are other people to eat.

More than anything, my dad wanted to spend his last years in Sudan and now he is buried in the land he refused and I need a visa to visit his grave. And being away from home, my mind is filled with countless unasked questions, echoing in the silence he left behind.

A few days before he left us, my mum asked why we don't write each other long posts or letters expressing our love. And I agreed that as a family we just don't do public displays, that we like to keep to ourselves, maybe out of fear that it'll leave us if it leaves us.

And I found myself thinking maybe I will when one of us leaves. But the truth is I can't. Just like my dad, I write things out and don't say them. Just like my dad, I am full of emotions that I like to keep to myself.

But something about airports, about leaving and arriving, brings it out anyway.

It doesn't matter where I'm heading; at every airport visit, I rush, ignoring the vibration of my phone, and it's only at the boarding gate that I finally relax, hearing my dad's voice on the other end, telling him I've managed not to miss my flight once again.

For the first time in my life, I'm sitting at the gate quietly, not on the phone, not reading and not listening, just sitting on autopilot and unsure of how I made it here.

So who will edit photos of airplanes with our names and رافقتك السلامة to share in the family group chat? And who will tell the mornings what to bring with each new dawn?

[ask-chef-teruteru]

i have generalized anxiety disorder and most times it’s really hard to believe the things people tell me. typically when im doubting things and people reassure me. do you have any advice? i try to stay optimistic,

“My apologies, hon, I just wanna be on the same page here— do y’all mean doubtin’ things in terms o’ self doubts, or somethin’ else? Is there somethin’ specific y’all tend t’ need reassurances on?

I ain’t no expert, I don’t got a formal diagnosis or nothin’ like that, but it’s fair to say I struggle a lil’ bit with anxiety sometimes too, so I s’pose I can tell y’all some things that work for me?

Used to be worse when I was younger— ‘fore I won a few competitions, got my ultimate title— back when the diner was strugglin’ financially n’ it felt like everything was goin’ wrong all the time all at once. Would get myself all in a tizzy, would start off worryin’ over one lil’ thing that’d snowball into another thing n’ another n’ another ‘til pretty soon I was a mess n’ needed help calmin’ down.

'I wasn’t feelin’ too confident on that last dish, it didn’t look as pretty as it did last time I made it. What if it didn’t look right cause I made it wrong? What if it was burnt or I forgot an ingredient or it was underdone? What if the person who ordered it’s a renowned critic n’ I blew our chances o’ ever doin’ any better? What if that critic doesn’t like the food cause I screwed up and writes an awful review and nobody ever comes back? How will we live? The diner’ll go under if we don’t get no customers, we won’t have no money to live, Mama won’t have no more money for medicine, what if Mama gets worse? What if we lose the diner’n that stress gets t’be too much for her? What if she hates me for it? It would be all my fault!'

I’m panickin’ picturin’ myself livin’ on the street n’ Mama in an early grave n’ hatin’ me with her last breath, n’ ain’t nothin’ ever even happened, mind you. Weren’t no complaints ‘bout the food, opposite in fact, n’ me worryin’ myself sick didn’t do no good.

O’course sometimes things do happen that don’t go good, but anxiety makes mountains o’ mole hills. Situations where y’all got the time to worry ‘bout somethin’ bad happenin’ ain’t usually gonna end with the worst possible outcome. Really though, even the times when it feels like things couldn’t get no worse, life still goes on. Always sounds like an eye roller of a thing t’ say, but it’s true. If ya screw something up for real n’ it ain’t all just nerves, things won’t always be just as bleak’s they feel at that exact moment. It’s hard to get outta your own head, but y’all really gotta try to take a step back, try to rationalize, think about it from somebody else’s perspective.

Next time you’re feelin’ anxious ‘bout somethin’ y’all did, try thinkin’ ‘bout how you’d feel if somebody else had done it. If Mama’d made a dish that weren’t good n’ we got a bad review from somebody important n’ it meant financial ruin, I still wouldn’t have started hatin’ her or worryin’ ‘bout how to go on— it woulda just been a bad thing that happened that we’d learn t’ live with, y’know?

Ya gotta not be your own worst critic n’ gotta not assume people’re just tellin’ y’all sweet lies when they’re try’na reassure y’all. A lot o’ things you’re anxious about aren’t gonna cross other people’s minds ever again. That time y’all answered a question wrong n’ only realized it once the person walked off n’ there was no good opportunity to correct yourself? Moment’s passed, that person would probably just go 'oh okay' if y’all told them later. Ever waved at somebody cause you thought they was wavin’ at you but they were actually wavin’ at somebody behind you? Now that person just thinks you’re friendly cause you’d wave back if they waved at ‘em first.”

“I feel like I’ve gone on a while now and I don’t actually know how on the mark I am with any o’ that, so please don’t hesitate to talk to me again n’ follow up if I weren’t helpful, so I s’pose I’ll leave it at that for now. I hope I’ll hear from y’all soon!”

[not-quitenormal]

To Future Max:

In case I go down the rabbit hole of self-doubt again (in which, let's face it, I will eventually), here is a detailed list of exactly what is so fucked up about Mom's response.

The only thing bitter and toxic about my behavior is probably mentioning that her words have led to multiple suicide attempts. But considering that her words are several variations of "gay people are not human", I think mentioning it (even in absolute brain-shattering frustration) is warranted.

"Sneaking around the internet"? HER TWITTER PROFILE IS PUBLIC. (Or at least for as long as Twitter is around.) She didn't know that I knew about this one, but it's a moot point.

"Find stuff to be angry at [her] for" - She's literally perpetuating anti-trans and anti-gay rhetoric. Something I've been fighting all of my life. She's just angry that I'm calling her out on it instead of rolling over again.

Mom literally only posts these things to get back at me for "misbehaving". When we were good, she kept political posts to a minimum. When I upset her in some way, out popped her most racist, queerphobic, inhumane cold takes. And then she told me I'm the bad guy for reacting to them. I don't know why she does this. But she does.

The last few lines in the second screenshot? The lyrics to "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts? She shared this song with me when I was 15 to tell me that no matter what, she would always love me. It was "our song". (Which honestly? Sounds like another layer of emotional incest to me.)

This was going to be the song to our Mother/Child dance at my wedding. Which I had to uninvite her from due to her extreme anti-vax views during the height of COVID-19 in 2021.

This is several degrees of fucked up, imo.

6. Now for the more personal fuckery. Going back to the "early grave" comment. My bio-dad, the terror of our household, died at 52 because of either a heart attack or a drug overdose. Personal health and drug addiction shouldn't be things people are shamed for - a fact that I myself am still working on reconciling - so again, she's the asshole.

7. The "chose to carry [me] in [her] body" line is rich given that she hated her own mother for having an abortion and is very anti-choice. That being said, she clearly did not want children if this is how she's going to phrase it.

8. She may have tried to shield us from my father's abusive behaviors. She did not shield us from hers, though.

9. "[I]f you can't respect...me enough to just acknowledge the basic fact you are here bc [sic] of me, to honor me for that." My response was clear: The lone fact that she gave birth to me does not matter. People are born every day. What matters is how my life was shaped after my birth, and my life has been plagued with criticism for just being myself. Mostly by her. (See Point 8.)

10. Listing off my niece and nephew as trophies to her happiness is real cute.

So. Yeah. My anger and tears are warranted, but so is my final response to her. And this has to be the final one. There's no use in trying any further.

I did good.

[mementofloreo-archived]

@viisiond || ❝  i know you’ve been having a shit time so i brought some food.  ❞ Kaeya, for Nettle

Nettle jolts at Kaeya’s voice. And immediately he sniffs and scrubs at his face with the sleeves of his sweater, clearing away the tears he’s been silently shedding for...a while? He lost track of time.

His eyes are still puffy and red rimmed, his face blotchy and flushed. His whole body is shaking a little.

He hates people to see him crying like this. Truly bereft, distraught, wordless and shuddering. Or when he gets into blank and apathetic moods and can’t manage to do much but stare at the wall vacantly for hours on end, when he’s so exhausted by the mere act of existing that he doesn’t want to get out of bed for two days.

The cracks, the chips, the faults left by the harrowing childhood he lived. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that he simply survived it. (Maybe it would be fair to say he never really had a childhood at all).

Nettle has made friends in Monstadt now. Several fellow guild members who he works with regularly. Lisa, the Favonius Order’s librarian. And of course Kaeya(and the rest of their friday night drinking buddies). Nettle probably feels most at ease around him. But all the same, he hasn’t talked much about his childhood prior to being adopted by his sisters.

He shambled his way out here near Starfell Lake early this morning as if it was a normal day. He’d gather herbs, take some notes on the current soil and flora quality in the area, whatever. But he’s mostly been wandering listlessly between periods of sobbing like this. Everyone thinks he’s just off on solo work, he always cleans his face of any signs of tears before going home.

It’s the middle of the week, and Nettle has logged all his tasks and hours the same as he always does. Kaeya is normally very work focused, and nothing else crosses his mind until he’s off duty. So why- how- is he here?

...Ned thinks he could probably roll himself into an empty grave trying to figure that out. Whatever weird information gathering superpowers Kaeya has are something he’ll never understand.

But still. He’s here. And his face is...sort of soft. Not all gooey or forlorn, just...well, some of that usual teasing glint is missing.

“Startled me there,” Nettle finally croaks. Kaeya’s taking a seat next to him and handing him a dish- Nettle can smell the aroma of northern apple stew.

“I- I am overdue to eat, though, I guess.” his voice is quiet and weak, “So thanks...this is really- it’s really sweet of you.”

He snuffles again and focuses his eyes on his soup. Tries not to think about the little bit of flush creeping into his cheeks. The way he feels a little warm over all this. Kaeya somehow noticing he wasn’t feeling well. Kaeya taking the time to actively track him down out in the woods just to bring him one of his favorite meals.

“Kinda...k-kinda overkill though, don’t you think?” a watery laugh escapes him. “I mean aren’t you supposed to be in the middle of work? How’d you find the time to even know I was- and track me down, even...you could have just caught me after work or something.”

He’s been taking a few bites during all that. “Not that- I mean, not that I’m not grateful. Or not happy to see you. I’m not- not trying to chase you off.”

“I have been having kinda a shit time of things,” Nettle says slowly, “But it’s- well, it’s a depressive episode, that’s what it is. I’ll feel a little better by the end of the week, probably. I just need to take some time and be by myself at the start of these things. And I’m- am I babbling?”

He sighs. “Ugh, whatever.”

A few moments of silence and then Nettle speaks very softly. “Thank you, Kaeya. Really.”

“For noticing.” he continues, “I’m pretty well accustomed to...well, not being noticed.”

“But it makes me happy that you do. I know I razz you a lot, but it’s only because I...feel at ease around you. Like I can relax. I can let my sense of humor show around you, crowded places feel less intimidating with you there.”

“And you’re a huge dork,” Nettle chuckles, “You always manage to make me laugh. Being around you is fun. ...And, uh, I’m babbling again. I’m going to focus on this stew before it gets cold.”

He’s flushed to his eartips now, but he pointedly avoids looking at Kaeya. Eat your damn food, he tells himself, and get some pesticide for those dumb butterflies you’re feeling.

[toastling]

As one who could be considered to be overweight I've never once taken a positive outlook on the whole situation and have always been resistant at best or incredibly annoyed at worst by attempts from others who are aware of this fact to try and make me feel better about myself or my body or to stop me from fat shaming myself for it.

But the thing is, this isn't just A Thing for me, this was my self-harm. Most kids would've just cut themselves, but I didn't have that luxury. So around 14 years old I made the active choice to live the worst, most self-destructive lifestyle I could possibly manage in as far as my health went so that I would kill myself slowly and guarantee that by 30 I'd be dead of a heart attack.

Well, here I am at 30, and somehow, I survived. In my early 20s I started seeking help and was on meds for a few years. I wasn't actively seeking to throw myself in front of the local train next time it passed through anymore, but it wasn't the helping hand I'd been hoping for, either. It was more like a form of stasis. I was frozen in place. I wasn't getting any worse, but I wasn't healing in a way that mattered, either.

This body isn't even some long-healed scar from a dumb teenager's knife. It's a festering, necrotic wound that no doubt created the conditions that put me through my recent major surgery and has led to the first 8 months of my 2024 effectively being bed-ridden either actively dying or struggling to heal. I see nothing with this form to take any pride in, and I must never let myself grow complacent enough to think "I'm fine just the way I am :)"

That isn't to say I actively hate myself or anything like that. I mean, I do, but not in that way. It's not so much about the fat or the health as it is the reason they are as they are. I cannot let myself forget that this was a choice, and while it may have been made by a child, it was still made specifically to kill me. This is not something I should accept under any circumstances.

To me, the first true sign of healing, the moment I will know that I'm finally making real progress, will be when I am finally stable enough and left with Will enough to work to change this form completely. Shed the weight, correct the lifestyle, heal the body as well as the mind. And I'm not there yet. I've never been there yet.

I'm either living but not alive, or I'm actively clawing my eyes out with every intent to spite myself. And I'm okay with living while not being alive, that's where this whole journey of healing and living with depression starts, but it's never going to be anything more than another chronostasis until I'm also mentally stable enough to *feel desire* again. To Want something. To believe anything is worth it.

Until then, I will continue to view this body for what it is. A child's tantrum and a lifelong mistake. A slow dance to the grave I want no part of, but my feet are moving to another me's accord all the same. An open wound I cut back open again and again day after day.

To accept this circumstance would be for me to truly give up for good.

[matthenslee]

Beginning with the End in Mind

I was taught by some of the best preaching professors in the world. This allowed me to jump into the pulpit, guns blazing with passion and fire. I just knew it would last until the ripe old age of 80 years old—at least if raising four daughters did not put me in an early grave!

I had been a student pastor or worship pastor for nearly 14 or 15 years. Then I had the opportunity to step into the pulpit full-time. While student and music ministry brought me great joy and preaching brings me great joy, the absolute favorite part of ministry for over 18 years has been in the preparation.

Each week seemed like I was opening a gift on Christmas morning. A new week, a different passage, and a fresh chance to dig in for my folks. It was a thrill!

However, as time went on, I began to notice a pattern develop in my sermon prep: I fizzled. I would start strong! Exegeting the passage faithfully, handling each pericope with care, but then I got to the end. I faded. 

I noticed myself begin to “mail it in,” especially as I made my way to the conclusion. At the very point I should be adding a large bow to the sermon with an exclamation mark the size of Texas, I am running out of steam.

So I made a change.

While I am a novice, I hope the change I made is of benefit to you. This change is simple, but it has revolutionized my sermon prep. It is an approach able to cross into business, sports, and life in general:

Begin with the end in mind.

See? I told you it was simple, but it works.

KNOW THE TEXT

Now, when I open up a brand new passage, my first few steps remain the same. Read the passage over and over, translate the passage, write the passage in my own words a few times, and then write it out from the Bible multiple times. This helps me to internalize the text and makes my next step—most times—a piece of cake.

SUMMARIZE THE TEXT

When you know the text deeply, it makes summarizing it a breeze. This is what many of my professors called the “sermon in a sentence” stage. This is the point where the main idea is discovered. The main point you will draw out from the moment you utter it to the time you conclude. (At 12:00 sharp, of course—since my mother might read this.)

While you will have other points, this is one point you want to stick. It will be the idea from which all your other points will flow.

MAP THE TEXT

Once I know my text, I mean really know my text and my main idea, I begin to map out my points. More often than not, it’s three points. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but I take the time to map it out in my notes to expand upon later.

This is also where my change took place. Usually, I would jump right into my explanations, illustrations, and applications of my points. Now I scroll down Microsoft Word a little bit and hit my conclusion out of the park.

CONCLUDE THE TEXT

Why do this? You certainly do not have to, but I do. When I was going through my explanations, illustrations, and applications at this point, I began to take the easy way out at the conclusion—sometimes even copy and pasting past conclusions so I could just be done. Lazy, I know.

Doing this pretty well at the beginning of my study time gives me fresher legs, so to speak. I am not tired, I am not ready to be done, and I am not (typically) out of coffee.

Instead, I am fresh. I’m as excited as I was when I began, and I’m writing with the passion and fire the text deserves. Since I know the text well and have my “sermon in a sentence,” I go ahead and write my conclusion during the early stages of my sermon prep.

This pays off in my studying. More importantly, it reflects in my preaching!

At this point, I am ready to return to the points I map out and explain, illustrate, and apply to my heart’s content. Since this is my favorite part of sermon prep, whether or not I have coffee left over is irrelevant.

In other words, I am right back to being a kid on Christmas morning. Opening a gift—often with internal (and sometimes audible) shrieks of joy from beginning to end.

This may not help you, but it continues to serve my people well. As you prepare, if you find yourself dragging in any point along the process, consider moving that part of your preparation up a little bit.

Do not make the same mistake I was making by “mailing in” any part of your preparation! From start to finish, let us leave our studies with zeal and enter our pulpits joyously prepared to proclaim the Word of God.

Want a lil' help doing this? Text-Driven Invitation: Landing the Plane Without Leaving the Text: https://amzn.to/4eqNunQ