#I am struggling so hard right now with trying to keep myself moving forward

[skylightdistraction]

-

[naamahdarling]

Two days ago and I was comfortable enough that this was the right choice that I was able to make the call to have Smooch put to sleep. I am sure now. I wish I weren't. It hurts to see him like this. The vet is out or I would move it forward. We could do the emergency vet but I literally do not think I could do it without our vet and my favorite nurse. That feels selfish but when she answered the phone yesterday the comfort was... astonishing.

I'm trying to prepare. I've been waiting for this for a long time, which is why it's bearable at all. I have entertainment, I have an art project to memorialize him ready to go for whenever I feel like it. I have plans to make a couple of keepsakes. But there's going to be a hole in my life so much bigger than his frail little body. It's the end of part of me. He has been there in my future for so long, thinking about not having him there is like vertigo, or a reverse haunting of some kind. It's a Wrongness, part of the world about to be unmade. He is genuinely part of my identity. I'm all these things that I consider core parts of me -- queer, funny, creative, curious, a little clever, loving, an artist, a survivor, my friends' friend, my blood sister's sister, my chosen sister's sibling, my father's daughter, my boyfriend's partner...and I'm Dried Pickle Man's person.

Here at home IRL and online, and everywhere I go, to almost anyone I speak to at all, I have been his human for 13 years and 27 days.

And that isn't enough apparently, because Sid, too, is slipping away. I...I don't know that we can save him, either. His digestive issues are keeping him from eating, we can't stop the flare, a feeding tube won't fix it, meds aren't helping him. He's losing weight very fast. Vet is at a loss. I usually have a pretty good idea of what to do next or what needs to happen. I have nothing for him. The specialist might know. How the hell do we keep affording it?

And Raleigh. Oh god. Raleigh. If we can't afford the surgery or if it fails. What do we do?

What if we lose all three?

What if my boyfriend loses BOTH his boys? Raleigh alone is going to devastate him. Not just sad, like ordinary grief, I mean I have never ever in my life seen an animal love a human this much.

He's already struggling with his depression and ADHD. He will suffer and there is nothing I can do to stop this all from happening. I can't dig into a hidden well of trying harder, I can't outsmart it. I can't comfort him by saying that it is hard but possible to influence this. I hate seeing him in pain.

And I'm scared for me. I am afraid it will just ruin him and I will lose him too, until and unless he can recover. And I already spend so much time alone. Even my art is...gone. Too painful. Writing isn't really possible, either. My body barely feels like mine these days. I have so fucking little to hang on to. My cats are one of the last things I have of myself. One of the only good things I have in my day to day life.

It's all an absolutely terrifying cascade. Unlike a lot of situations where I'm scared of the future, this isn't me afraid of unlikely scenarios that are several crises away. This is very real. And I'm usually not scared for my boyfriend like this.

It won't kill us. You can come back from something like this, probably, I know people survive much worse and I'm bombarded with reminders of that a dozen times a day. But it can take such a long time to come back, and...sometimes you just...Come Back Wrong.

I'm not often genuinely completely helpless. I am helpless now.

[kittenwalker]

caught ya (evan peters) x (fem!reader)

WARNINGS : smut, fingering, spanking, blowjob

You have been very touch-deprived lately due to Evan being very busy with his new role. Going to shoot very early in the day and come home in the middle of the night. In fact, you just haven’t been seeing him lately, and the apartment feels very empty without him. Your sex drive was probably the highest it has ever been right now and you have decided to take care of yourself tonight.

You lighted multiple candles around the bathtub, drinking wine and sexy music playing in the background. Tonight was your night considering Evan wouldn’t be coming back home till 2 in the morning as always. You lay your wine glass down and sink yourself into the lavender-scented bath water, your tensed body soon relaxing. You sat in the soothing bathtub for a while longer before deciding to hop out and have a different kind of pleasure.

The soft material grazed your skin as you slipped on your silk bathrobe. After drying off, you walked into your shared bedroom with Evan and sat there contemplating if you should do it. What if I get caught? Evan would not approve of what I am going to do, he hated knowing I touched myself without him being able to see it. Oh but I deserved this, it has been 1 and a half months. 

After a whole argument with yourself, you laid yourself down and started to remove your robe. You lightly grazed over your lips all the way down to your breast, using both your hands you squeezed and kneaded them. Causing your nipples to become hard and sensitive, small whimpers travelling out from your lips. You slid down one of your hands, the other still kneading your breast, to where you were most needy. Your fingers were over your pulsing heat as you started to rub your clit, while you were imagining Evan being the one pleasuring you. Your fingers slid lower and lower until you inserted a finger inside of you.

‘ Woah I forgot how good this feels, I should do it more often ‘. You thought to yourself.

You slowly were getting comfortable with one finger so you pushed in another digit. You haven’t felt this much pleasure in a while so the whole house was filled with your moans. You were so distracted you didn’t even hear that someone had entered the house.

“ Don’t you think you can add another finger? “

Goosebumps rising onto your skin, realizing who said that, you quickly stopped your movements and opened your eyes. Oh were you in so much trouble.

“I thought you wouldn’t be home till midnight, it’s only 11 pm “ you voice struggling to keep stable.

“ Took time off to be with you but seems like you got other plans, “ Evan said looking down at your nude body.

Evan slowly walked over and sat down on the bed, leaning into your ear and whispering “ oh but I caught ya in your little act, you were being a bad girl and what do bad girls deserve?”

You gulped and forced out the word “ Punished “

In one swift move, Evan swooped you so you are laying on your stomach.

“ Get on all fours” he ordered

You followed his orders, knowing not to disobey as things have already escalated. A loud smack rang through your ears, he spanked you making you jerk forward and whimper. He did it over and over again until your ass was red and numb, and you were soaking ready to get touched. 

Before you knew it, he lifted you off the bed and made you kneel on the floor. Hearing his belt jingle you knew where this was going, but you weren’t complaining you needed a little dick in your mouth. You were impatient so you pulled his pants down, making him click his tongue.

“ Ah ah ah you don't get to touch me, you keep your hands to yourself “

You whined but followed through with it. He pulled his pants down and his cock sprang free, dripping with pre-cum. That sight made you even more turned on, you carefully wrap your lips around his thick member, trying your best not to touch him. You kept on sucking until he was satisfied.

“ mhm you’ve been redeemed, you followed through with all my orders and shall be rewarded “

You felt like you went to heaven and back after hearing those words, you needed some sort of release. “ thank you mr peters “ 

Evan aligned his cock at your entrance before pushing in the tip, teasing you. You groaned to it but in no time he thrust his full length into you. He starts going fast and hard, not giving you a chance to adjust to his size since it has been a while.

Stars, you felt like you were seeing them. Moaning so loud the other neighbours no doubt heard you, but you couldn’t help it your mind was clouded with pleasure. You felt like you were in paradise.

In no time you were about to cum

“ Evan i-i’m about c-cum “ you told him, moaning so much it made your sentence choppy.

“ Hold on love, I’m almost there too “

In a few thrusts, we both came. Your body was jerking because of how much satisfaction you were feeling. Evan was still in you, sloppily moving in and out so you both can ride out your highs.

Evan plopped down next to you, sweat covering you two. He rolled over, engulfing you in a hug and pressing a kiss to your temple.

“I’ve missed you, ya know? “ you said whispering

“ yea I missed you too and don’t worry I am going to make up those days that I was not with you. “ 

“ yes please, I feel so empty without you here “

“ mhm I love you “

“I love you more “ you mumbled

[happyandticklish]

Sore Loser

Notes: Commission for @ultimatelee19 Thank you so much for commissioning! It’s been a while since I’ve spent any time in the Legend of Korra fandom, so it was fun to get to revisit it for this piece. I hope you enjoy ^^

Summary: After several losses in the Pro-Bending Arena, Bolin is anxious to prove his worth amongst their group. Meanwhile, Korra shows him the hard way that sometimes it’s okay to lose.

“You know you’re gonna lose, right?”

The field was clear save the two of them. They had snuck out hours before Mako had even had a chance to wake up for their usual training, and the hint of pink in the sky was the only indicator that it was morning at all. There was something nice about being out this early, the only creatures awake as the rest of the world slumbered. It was a peaceful feeling. Korra, however, was never very good at accustoming herself to times of peace.

Perhaps this is why she had been so easily persuaded by Bolin to come and spar before their next competition in the Pro-Bending Arena, even if she felt a bit uneasy about it. He hadn’t said anything, but she could tell he was nervous about their upcoming competition. Their last few fights hadn’t gone very well for them, but he especially had been off his game. Nothing to worry about, really, but it could be if he got in his head about it. Most likely, this was just an excuse to get a win under his belt in order to ease his nerves. Not that he would ever admit it—hence the attitude.

Korra raised an eyebrow at him, adjusting her stance. “Is that so? Well then, I look forward to my swift defeat, since you’re so cocky. It’s a risky move, going up against the Avatar alone.”

Bolin scoffed, but his fists clenched by his sides. “Please. ‘The Avatar’. You’re also reckless and undisciplined.”

“Undisciplined? As opposed to you?”

“Obviously.” A grin made its way to his features and she relaxed a little at the easy banter. “I’ve worked myself to the bone for years on training.”

“So have I.”

“In general, maybe,” he conceded. “A typical jack of all trades, whereas I am a master of earthbending. Which is why for tonight, I challenge you, oh great Avatar—a battle, earthbending style! If you use any other elements, you’re disqualified.”

Korra considered the proposition for a moment. An easy handicap, even still. She knew it might be better for Bolin’s ego if she lost, but Korra had never historically been a great loser. If he wanted a challenge, he was going to get one.

She smirked, trying not to enjoy how her words made the cocky expression on Bolin’s face waver. “Alright. You’re on. Just try not to be too disappointed when you lose.”

“I could say the same to you.” The ground under them rumbled, and Korra yelped as she just barely jumped back in time to avoid a cluster of rocks that had nearly toppled her from underneath. “Careful.”

Korra laughed, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. “Oh, you’re in for it now.”

With that, the battle was on. For a while, Korra tried to play the long game and keep her attacks careful and coordinated, opting more for defense than anything else. Bolin, on the other hand, lashed out with a determination that was only serving to make him sloppy. His lunges were too quick, his strikes too sudden, and his words were tinged with frustration as he attempted to keep up the same arrogant banter as before. Heneeded to just relax if he was going to get a hit in, let alone win.

Bolin ducked forward suddenly with a fist that was evaded as she grabbed onto his arm. He struggled against her fruitlessly for a moment and her eyes widened with an idea as a smirk slowly took over her features.

Bingo.

“You know, maybe it’s time to get a bit more up close and personal,” she said, gripping his arm and using his own weight to flip him down to the ground. He grunted as his back hit the earth and she threw a leg over him in his distraction, one of his arms still captured in hers. “Take a more offensive stance, perhaps?”

“What are you talking about—gah! K-Korra!”

Bolin’s words were cut off by a strangled yelp as Korra’s fingers skittered over his stomach, poking and prodding occasionally to great effect. Bolin’s face, already red from exhaustion, pinkened as his features scrunched up in defiance. Tickling. Perhaps cheating in an official fight, but for now it came with the side benefit of always working to relax Bolin. After all, if she could knock him out of his weird mood and win the fight all in one, where was the harm there?

Bolin was squirming underneath her, giggling up a storm as she managed to slip a hand under his shirt to get at bare skin. “N-Naha knock it off! This is cheheheating!”

“I fail to remember you ever specifically banning tickling as an option.” Korra vibrated her hands into his ribs and Bolin shrieked, lurching out of her grip suddenly and scrambling to get away. She clucked her tongue, dusting off her hands as she stood up. “Bad move, my friend. I’m afraid you’re still wide open.”

She ran after him, throwing herself at his back in an unskilled but effective attack. The momentum carried them both forward, and they tumbled to the ground in a clumsy roll. Before Bolin could gather his bearings, she pulled her fist up, forming a rock foundation around him that effectively covered and pinned him to the ground. The rock formed makeshift stocks for his feet, and his hands were encased in stone raised far above his head. Bolin struggled fruitlessly against the bonds, but with his hands trapped, there was no way out. Korra strolled over, stretching her arms above her head before taking a seat by his feet.

“You have been awfully strung out all week now. I think it’s a high time that you take a moment to sit back and actually relax. And—” she held his toes back, scribbling her fingers over his bare arch. “If you’re not gonna do that on your own, then I’ll take it on myself to help you out.”

Bolin threw his head back in wild laughter, his other foot dancing around wildly in the stead of his trapped one. “W-Wait Korrahaha! I’m fine, j-just—shit, n-not tihihickling!”

“Yes tickling,” she said, digging her fingers under his toes to a torrent of frantic giggles. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed what you’ve been doing to yourself all week.”

“What—not the other fohohohoot!!”

“You lose a couple of fights and get all in your head about it,” Korra continued, ignoring his protests. Her fingers spidered over his arches, pausing occasionally to scritch under his toes in a manner that she knew from experience made him go crazy. “That’s not the Bolin I know. No, the Bolin I know would use those losses as encouragement to do better—to train, not whatever pity party this is.”

The corners of Bolin’s mouth made an attempt to turn down in indignation, but the tickling was quickly sapping all of the venom and frustration out of him. He shrieked when she moved up to his thighs suddenly. His clothing got in the way a tad, but she was able to pinch up and down the area in a manner that seemed just as effective, if not more so, than if his skin had been bare. “And challenging me to dumb fights at some crazy hour of the morning before a competition is not ‘training’. You need rest. You need diligence. You need to stop beating yourself up about this.”

Bolin shook his head back and forth, his legs jerking against the stone. Out of curiosity, she tried scribbling her fingers over his inner thighs and the sound he let out at that seemed to indicate that the strategy was worth continuing. “It tihihickles though!”

“Mm, and I know how much you hate tickling.” Korra raised a brow and Bolin’s cheeks flushed red. It wasn’t something that he advertised, per se, but it wasn’t hard for anyone who witnessed these moments to tell that he was enjoying himself. “Listen, man, we’ve all had bad days. You think I got where I am by winning every fight I’m in or always nailing new skills first try? You think Mako did? You practice. You study. And you don’t let one defeat get in your head.”

He shrieked when she moved her hands up under his arms suddenly, tugging desperately at his hands. “Okahahay okahahay I get it! Just p-please gihive me a breheheak!”

Korra considered it for a moment, continuing to trace idle circles under his arms as she did, much to Bolin’s chagrin. “Okay, I’ll consider it. Considering…”

Bolin whimpered underneath her, his face scrunched up in an intense expression of concentration. As his skin was still protected by his clothing, the tickling wasn’t as intense as it could be. She glanced down, however, to notice that his shirt had ridden up in the tussle, revealing a sliver of his stomach—historically, his worst spot. Perhaps it was time to really show Bolin exactly what happens to teammates who underestimate themselves.

She placed her hands on his stomach, sliding them slowly under his shirt as she did. She bit back a grin when Bolin visibly jumped. “Here’s the deal. We have about a half hour till Mako wakes up and starts to wonder where we are. Either you admit that you’re a good fighter and that it’s okay to make mistakes, or I tickle your stomach until he finds us—your choice.”

With that, she descended into a frenzy of scribbling and poking fingers all over his stomach that left Bolin a wheezing mess under her. He arched his body back against his bonds, but there was no escaping rock. He probably could have used his bending to get out, but bending required a certain focus that tickling left no room for.

In the end, Bolin held out for another five or ten minutes until Korra discovered that his naval was a hotspot of nerves that broke down his pride in a matter of seconds. And while Bolin complained and muttered indignantly while he caught his breath when she finally set him loose, the happy flush to his cheeks revealed the truth of how much he had needed to be able to let go.

Next time, Korra just hoped he asked instead of making her endure the horror of being awake at four in the morning.

[helixobesity]

So, I gained a significant amount of weight, to the point of going from about average to what I'd call properly fat. I then discovered this kink, and have decided to actively try to gain some more. I think the most attractive part to me is the restrictions: the fatter I get, the less fit I am and the less I can physically do, the more sedentary and lazy I get, and the more "dumbed down" I can be, all in a self-reinforcing cycle. I get a secret thrill about outgrowing clothes, or realizing I'm never going to run a 5k again, or exceeding the weight limit of my office chair, or realizing that hours have gone by watching mindless shows.

I work a high-stress, long-hours job, and the permission to let go, eat, laze around, and fatten up in a way that actually makes it physically and mentally harder to keep stressing myself out so much is such a release. Embracing my piggy side and letting go of the expectations has been a genuine source of self-care.

But it's hard to do sometimes! The doubts can creep in; even if this fatter, slower me is happier, it's still hard to make the leap. So my question is, do you have any tips, any reminders or mantras or practices, for aspiring fatties to use, to remind me that it's ok to let go? Any ways I can reward myself for embracing the pig life? Thanks (and sorry for the essay)!

In the most basic of ways, letting go is the greatest way to get fatter

“Letting go”

To stop worrying about how you used to act

How you used to be considered athletic

How you could’ve been celebrated for your intelligence

But letting go means forgetting who you used to be

The acceptance that you were meant to be fat

To be lazy

To heave around the house

Waddling like a pig

Each step making you out of breath on your way to the fridge a hollow reminder of the miles you used to run in a few hours

Now? Piggy you wouldn’t be able to last a mile in your condition

Doubts are normal! Feedism isn’t a kink you can just forget about

A heavy, wobbly belly following your every move is a reminder of the life you’re committing to

And every time it growls to be fed, you can’t help but realize how it’s totally corrupted your way of life

Try not to worry about numbers, the scale going up, calorie counting, sure it can seriously be a big help, especially those that struggle to stay focused. But I know it can be demoralizing to others to see the scale fluctuating day to day, but there’s no avoiding that

What matters is your mentality

To look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself

You’re beautiful this way

To jiggle your fatter belly

Grab your new rolls

Your thicker arms

Thighs that are beginning to rub together

A butt that can’t be forced into those skinny jeans anymore

And tell yourself you’re beautiful

And with every day you gorge yourself to feeling like you could burst

You look more beautiful

And every time you do happen to look at that scale

You’ll be shocked at how fast you’ve really been gaining

You don’t need to think

You need to eat

You have me to keep you in check

To make sure you forget who you used to be

Let go

And get fatter

You’re certainly on the right path piggy~

And I absolutely look forward to your progress!!!

Thank you very much for the “essay” :)

🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀

[bloodylullaby]

Author's Note: I decided to start listening to my favorite sad songs and thought about writing a Noah one shot to Dance Gavin Dance's song Betrayed By The Game. I even incourperated the lyrics into it, so please enjoy!

Paring: Noah x Fem reader

Trigger Warning: Car crash, mention of crawling through broken glass, mentions of broken bones and bleeding.

Word Count: 1221

As I lay in bed, vulnerable and with a wounded pride, I'm surrounded by open wounds, fear oozing out of every pore. I never thought this breakup with Noah would hit me so hard, Yet here I am, lying in bed, struggling to breathe, overwhelmed by the sense that I deserve to face this pain alone for what I've done. I roll over to his side and inhale deeply, burying my face into the pillow, catching a lingering trace of his scent. The bed still smells like I’m not all alone. 

I reach for my phone on the bedside table, my heart pounding with a flicker of hope. Yet, as I unlock it, the screen remains as hollow and empty as ever, devoid of any trace of a notification from him. It’s been a long month since Noah ended things, and the blame lies solely with me. I let fear consume me as our relationship grew more serious. Noah and I had a twisted game of trying to incite jealousy in each other. That night at the bar, while Noah was engrossed in a game of pool with Nick, I found myself the object of someone else's attention. With the stranger's touch and my complicity, things escalated beyond my intentions. Noah reached his breaking point, and the next day, he left to stay with his bandmates.

I majorly fucked up, and now I'm reaping what I sowed. I look out the window, and the feelings start roaring within me again. It’s pouring down rain, matching how I'm feeling inside. I take a deep breath and pick up my car keys, deciding to go for a drive. I slip on my shoes and head out without an umbrella or jacket, letting the warm rain wash the pain away as I slowly walk to my car. By the time I reach it, I'm drenched. I turn on the car and crank up the radio, playing my break-up playlist at total volume, letting the music drown out the running thoughts in my mind.

As I navigate the winding road, lost in the distraction of singing along to the music at the top of my lungs and changing the song, I fail to notice the slickness of the pavement. Suddenly, the car starts to hydroplane, sliding dangerously out of control. Panic sets in as I desperately try to regain traction, but it's too late. The vehicle veers off course, hurtling towards a looming tree at a terrifying speed.

I groan as the airbag deploys, the impact jarring my senses. Pain shoots through my face, feeling like I now have a fractured nose, split lip, and eyebrow. Blood trickles into my mouth, mingling with the suffocating scent of smoke. This isn't good, especially with the airbag deployed. I deflate it to free my arms, struggling to unbuckle my seat belt. I push the door open with effort, ensuring my phone is still clutched in my right hand. I let my upper body slump out of the car, leveraging gravity to ease my bottom half out of the vehicle.

I scream as I land on a carpet of shattered glass, the shards digging into my skin. Ignoring the pain, I force myself to keep moving, crawling through the debris with determination. Every inch forward is a battle against the jagged obstacles, but I refuse to be deterred until I know I am safe from my car in case it catches fire. With a huff, I gather the strength to shift into a slight sitting position, intending to assess the damage. However, what I see makes my breath catch in my throat.

My car is a mangled wreck from the front, the metal crumpled and twisted. It's a miracle I survived the impact. The sight alone triggers a panic attack, and I'm overwhelmed, choking on tears. Sobbing uncontrollably from fear, I frantically take in my surroundings. As my life flashes before my eyes, all I see is Noah and me. My sobs come out longer and harder now, and I grab my phone and unlock it, clicking on his name to call. As it rang, my panic increased out of fear that he might not answer me, but after the fourth ring, the line picked up.

“Hello?” Noah asked relevantly and confusedly, sounding like he had come out of a deep sleep. I started to sob harder. “[Y/N]? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He asked, slightly more alarmed.

“I just crashed my car….and….and…I love you so much, Noah. I miss you so much. I know we fucked everything up this time, but I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop loving you. I still love you so much, Noah," I sobbed into my phone. Suddenly, I heard ruffling and panicking on the other side of the phone. 

"Goddammit, [Y/N], are you okay? Did you call the police?" Noah's voice crackled with concern, a barrage of questions following. Another sob wrenches from my throat, raw and hoarse.

"No, you were my first thought when I decided who to call. I'm so scared, Noah. I need you," I pleaded.

"I know it's scary, baby, but take some deep breaths with me, okay?" he instructed gently as we went through breathing exercises. "I know you're still sharing your location with me, so I will call the police while I head over to you. Are you going to be okay?" he asked, his concern evident in his voice.

"Yes," I stammered, feeling slightly hopeful that things weren't as terrible as they seemed. I could hear Noah sigh in relief. 

"Okay, the boys and I will be there soon. Don't move too much; I don't want you to worsen any injuries just in case they could be life-threatening," he stated firmly. I murmured an okay and an "I love you" in response. After he said it, he hung up, leaving me alone again. After what seemed like an eternity, I began to hear a car nearby and prayed with great intensity that it was Noah. Not far from where I was, the distant wail of sirens pierced through the night, signaling that help was coming.

There were screeching tires and then running footsteps coming in my direction. I turned my head slightly to see it was Noah, with a mixture of worry and horror on his face when he saw how bad the wreckage was. "[Y/N], baby, I'm so glad you're okay," Noah began to exclaim rapidly as he slowly kneeled beside me, his eyes scanning over the damage down to my body. As the sirens get closer, Noah looks deep into my eyes. He suddenly and gently kisses me, then leans his forehead on mine.

 "You're never leaving my side again, got it? We'll work through our problems together and do whatever needs to be done, whether that's therapy or a different route. But I'm moving back in immediately," he states firmly. All I could do was nod my head as tears streamed down my face once again. Noah gently wipes the tears away and pulls me into a comforting embrace. As the police and ambulance arrive, he talks me through what's about to happen and assures me that he'll be by my side every step. Eventually, he accompanies me in the back of the ambulance, with the boys following closely behind in their car. 

[egg-emperor]

this bday feels more special than usual because there's a lot of big changes coming up in my life and this begins to kick that off in a sense so I've been reflecting on a bunch of stuff

I feel like I'm really on the other side of so much bad painful soul sucking shit now. like I feel I can truly confidently say it this time. FINALLY. I held onto bad things that were doing me so much harm mentally and physically for years and I really struggled to finally let go of a lot of things I should have for the past couple. but now it's really all over and like I can start to move on and heal for real

some huge changes to my personal life are coming up, most of which I'm not going to share but I'm pretty excited about and think will have a big positive impact on me. I'm working hard to make beneficial changes to my life in every way I can now in health and living, as exhausting as it can be with my constant chronic pain and fatigue. I finally have the will and determination to try

it's a waiting game in regards to my health with waiting on referrals but I've done what I've needed to so far with appointments to set it in motion and I'm proud of myself. after years of neglecting myself and my suspected condition, I've finally started it! and I've found out that stress factually affects it very badly, so I have to let go of the things that hurt and stress me out for good

I'm also truly accepting that I'm not a very well liked person to a lot of people. it doesn't matter because there are surely as many who like me too. I see kindness and support from others just as much as hate and I need to put all my focus and energy into the former alone. I want to look as grateful and appreciative as I am, not caught up in negativity. my mind can be a negative place but I'm working on it

and of course as usual, I'm going to keep being myself and following my heart and expressing my passion the way I want. because I'm never going to give up the things I enjoy and repress myself because of the disapproval of others

I feel like I can start looking forward and I'm feeling much more positive about things over all. in a few months time my living situation, hopefully my physical health, and my mindset will hopefully be improved. and it actually has me looking forward to seeing what the future holds

I've been through a lot of tough shit and pain and did some stupid shit along the way but I learned a lot about myself and what I want and need through it and I'm happy to finally be making all the right changes. I'm really glad I feel like I'm on the otherside of it, especially after how bad the past couple of years have been especially for me

and I just wanna say thank you to everyone who has supported me and stuck around when I was struggling and will be here to see the better version of myself and enjoy my blog. it means the world to me 💜

now I'm gonna go out and have a good bday today!

[emberfrostlovesloki]

Personal Update

Photo credit (@shakespearesdaughters)

Content warning: Mention of ED's and mental health

Hey friends! Sorry, this isn't my normal type of post. I generally try to keep my blog very positive and mostly related to the CM fandom, but I thought I'd share how I have been feeling over the last month or so, which in a nutshell has been not great. If you don't want to hear any of this and just want to see my CM stuff, feel free to skip over this post, I understand.

I have been dealing with a lot of big changes personally and familiarly, and all of them have been positive, or insightful at least, but I'm not good with change. It is very hard for me. But I am trying to be happy and support everyone, and celebrate the love that there is in my family, and be kind to myself too. The latter is much easier than the former.

I have felt this period of depression coming on for some time, like since the last month of the semester, but I didn't expect it would hit me like it has. Most of the time I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I'm at my mom's house right now, which means I don't do that, but most times all I want to do is sleep. But even my excessive hours of rest don't leave me refreshed. I want to be like a caterpillar and form a cocoon around myself that only lets in the soft light while I get to lie in the comfort of total rest. At this point going out to get a coffee and write or read for a few hours wipes me out.

I'm not doing well with my eating either. It's too hot to take my mental health walks, so I start restricting and working out more. This all feels very silly, and like I'm right back in high school again, except high school me had energy. They actually thought they didn't need to sleep. How the tables have turned. I'm hoping this period of malaise and ennui move along so I can enjoy the summer. I want to.

I guess I'm putting this out here just to let you all know that struggling right now. However, I love getting to write. I look forward to it every day. I also love to see what you've made or created, whether that be a fic, a piece of art, a screen cap, or a gif. They make me so, so happy! I love getting to log on and interact with all of you. I think about my moots before I go to bed (sorry if that's cringe). But I am so lucky to know you all. Thank you for that.

And, not everything is doom and gloom. I promise. Today I got to have some yummy coffee and some very tasty juice, and I'm really getting into the new book I'm reading, and I'm five months sober today too! Plus the new Aaron fic is coming along nicely. I'm hoping maybe to brush up on my Spanish or Japanese skills during the summer too.

Sorry this was super long, just had to get some thoughts out. Basically I've been having a hard time, and I'm saying that now, and all of you have made it so much better. Thank you so much. I promise to go back to the positivity! I promise I will be okay. You are amazing. Please accept this big hug from me - Love Levi ❤️

[nebulablakemurphy]

Through Love And By Love (Pt. 14)

Summary: Twenty-Two years ago, Draco Malfoy used the imperius curse to slow Voldemort’s rise to power. No good deed goes unpunished. Warning: this series contains mature subject matter surrounding use of the imperius curse, discussions of trauma and mental illness; reader discretion advised.

18+ ONLY this chapter contains sexual content.

Part 13

"What are you doing?" Albus wrestles the time turner from Scorpius, as the train chugs beneath them.

"It's obvious isn't it? We've got to go back." The Malfoy boy explains.

"No, absolutely not, Scorpius! Bad idea. Time turners are illegal, you don't meddle with time. Delphi must have stolen this." Rose scolds him, in a tone so like her mother.

"Because she cares about my mum, and she wants my father’s name cleared." Scorpius points out.

"They’re already working on clearing it." Rose insists. "My mum told me."

"Hermione is lying!" Scorpius cuts her off. "Everyone is lying! This won't get better and if I don't do something soon, it's going to get worse... If I don't do something soon, I’m going to lose my dad."

"I'm in." Albus says, softly.

"Albus, no!" Rose argues, it's too risky.

"He’s worth saving." Albus pleads his case.

"That wasn't in question, only the method by which you plan to save him." Rose busies herself, tugging at a loose string on her jumper.

“All we need to do is go back to the night he cast the imperius curse and make sure he doesn't." Scorpius shrugs, can't be that hard.

"And how exactly are you going to stop him?" She arches a fiery brow.

"I haven't figured that part out just yet."

"I should remind you, Scorp, your dad was much more..." Albus searches for the words, "intense back then."

————————————————————————

“Finally got Corina down,” Rosanna huffs, flopping onto the couch, beside her husband. The little girl didn’t want to nap, but she was overtired and cranky as ever.

Draco looks up from Rosanna’s notes, everything she’s prepared to submit for his trail. "The sacrifices made by Draco Malfoy, in a desperate attempt to keep Voldemort from rising to power, do not make him a criminal. They make him a hero. Or at the very least, a prisoner of war."

Rosanna moves to take the papers from him.

“You paint a pretty picture of me, love.” Draco admits, handing over the parchment.

“That’s how I see you.”

“You don’t need to lie.”

“It’s not a lie.”

“Tell me the truth of it and I will love you still.”

“Draco, this is the truth!”

“We both know how this ends. I need you to promise me that you’ll try to move forward, once I’m gone. I need you to promise that you won’t spend the rest of your life pining over me. Promise me, Rosanna.” Draco pleads, holding her gaze.

“I can’t promise that, you’re the only person that I-” she breaks off to collect her thoughts. “Sometimes it’s like the whole world is spinning and no one can feel it but me. Everything is rushing around me and I’m always running, struggling to keep up. But you make me feel like I can stand in one place without getting dizzy. You hold me still.”

“Rosanna,” he shakes his head.

“I hate the things that happened to you because of me. Everything you have to answer for is because of me. Because I asked you to, because I thought I was doing the right thing. You have every right to be angry about it. You have every right to hate me.” It’s only fair. “I hate myself.”

Draco draws in a ragged breath. “Don’t say that.” He grinds out, between gritted teeth, as if it were the worst, most heinous, thing he’s ever heard.

“You asked me to tell the truth.” Rosanna fires back, “that is the truth, I hate myself.”

“Please, don’t say that.” His voice is softer now, taking her face in his hands. “I wanted to make you happy, I tried. I-”

Rosanna rests her hands over his. “You gave me an incredible life, with so much happiness and I am so grateful.”

“Then how can you say that?”

“I ruined your life. I put a target on your back, I set you up to be hunted down and prosecuted. I tried to fix it, to set the record straight. I’ve been screaming, at the top of my lungs, for twenty years and no one can hear me.”

“I hear you,” Draco assures her. “I do.”

“If you get sentenced to Azkaban because of something I asked you to do, I won’t be able to live with that.” Rosanna confesses.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Draco sighs.

“If I don’t have you-”

“You have me. You will always have me. You are a part of me. To my bones, I am yours. No time, nor space between us will change that.” Where you go, I go.

Rosanna chokes back a sob, leaning in and pressing her lips to his.

“I hear you,” he says, against her mouth; damp with her tears and his own.

Her hands bury themselves in his hair. “I need you.”

“I am yours and you are mine.” Draco breathes, it was written in the stars before they were born.

Rosanna begins tugging at his clothes, trying to get closer to him. It’s not until they are bare, with his face buried dutifully between her thighs, that she settles. His tongue on her clit is nothing more than a temporary gentling, making her tremble and keen beneath him.

Draco drinks her in, possessive and greedy. Driving her to release, driving her to madness; legs clamped tightly to his ears. And when she cums, draped over the front of their sitting room couch, he can wait no longer. Repositioning her to lie across the cushions. Making her comfortable, keeping her safe.

“Please,” she whimpers. Because it’s not good enough, she needs him inside, so she won’t be alone. For once in her life she doesn’t care about what is right, she doesn’t want to be courageous or brave…or even free. She wants to be selfish and to get what she wants. “I want to be yours.” To be cherished, to be heard, to be loved.

To be loved is to be changed.

“You’re mine.” He is home. He is loved.

The thought comes again, unbidden. Clawing its way out from deep in her belly. “I hate myself.”

“I love you.” I hate myself.

“I love you.”

————————————————————————

"I can’t believe-" Scorpius breaks off, taking it all in. The train car has vanished, they are standing just outside of Hogwarts; forbidden forest howling behind them. It's after nightfall and the castle lights appear exceptionally beautiful, more so than any of them remember. "Did that really just work?"

"I'd say yes," Rose takes a step forward, on shaky legs. "But we need to figure out exactly where we are."

"You mean, when we are." Albus quips, only to be glared at by his cousin.

"By the looks of the Beauxbatons carriage, I'd say we're somewhere around the time of the triwizard tournament." Rose reasons.

"Alright then, let’s get to it." Scorpius nods.

"Wait," Rose stops him, listening closely for a moment. "We'll need some dress robes."

"For what?" Albus asks.

"I think we're going to the Yule Ball."

"Great," Al remarks, shrugging a shoulder. "We're not supposed to be seen, that makes perfect sense."

"We can be seen, so long as we're not recognized." Rose says, tugging the wand from her denims. "Who's going first?"

“Age before beauty,” Albus suggests, pointing his wand at her.

“Honestly?” Rose rolls her eyes, she’s been charmed into a fitted, powder blue, gown.

“Now you look just like a Beauxbaton’s girl.”

Rose configures his own outfit into the deep red Durmstrang robes, in retaliation.

“Oi!”

“As for you.” Rose flicks her wand again, this time at Scorpius. A pristine black dress suit.

“You know,” Albus cocks his head to the side, “now he might get mistaken for his father.”

“That might work to our benefit.” Rose decides, tucking away her wand and twisting her fiery curls into a makeshift updo.

Once they’re through the castle doors, they split up. Scorpius heads over to the refreshment table. If there’s one thing he knows about his mother, it’s that she fancies sweets. He’ll just wait her out.

He uses the ladle to pour a bit of punch into his cup. Something slams hard into his back, sending red liquid down the front of his dress robes. “Oof.” He grunts, turning around to find himself face to face with Rosanna McVay.

This girl has never known loss, or pain. She is innocent, with a thousand stars in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” she covers her mouth, with one hand. “I thought you were someone else.”

“It’s fine,” is all Scorpius can manage. It’s physically painful to look at her, yet he can’t bring himself to turn away.

“Here, let me help you.” She grabs some napkins from the table, attempting to sop up the mess from his robes.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll manage.” Scorpius stills her hands.

“Are you sure? I feel terrible.”

“Really, it’s fine.”

“Rosanna,” a new voice, his father’s voice, moving closer.

“I should go.”

Scorpius catches her wrist. Maybe he can undo this; maybe he can save this girl, save both of them. “Do you love him?” Tell me it was worth it. Tell me what to do.

“He’s not like everyone says.” Rosanna tells him.

Time turns again, only now without warning.

————————————————————————

Rosanna hears her muggle phone vibrating, on the side table. She makes no move to grab it, smoothing a hand over Draco’s hair. The pair of them are still crammed up on the couch; his head resting against her chest. He looks so peaceful, breath labored as he sleeps. His weight on her is welcome, tethering her to the earth. Holding her still.

After a moment, the vibrating stops. Only to start again.

Rosanna curses, under her breath. Accio phone.

The caller I.D. reads ‘Hermione,’ buzzing to life again.

“Hermione?” Rosanna answers, on the first ring.

“Where are you?” Hermione asks.

“I’m home,” Rosanna tells her, “why?”

“I just received word,” she breaks off, “Ro, I don’t know how this happened.”

“What happened?”

“Rose, Scorpius and Albus…they never made it to Hogwarts.”

“How is that possible?” Rosanna shakes her husband awake, softly.

“They vanished from the train- I- I’m down at the ministry with Ron and Harry. Can you come?”

“We’re on our way.”

————————————————————————-

"What happened?" Scorpius asks. The trio is back where they started, present day. "Did one of you turn it?"

"No." Rose shakes her head, still in her gown.

"Something must be wrong with the time turner." Albus frowns.

"Well if it's dodgy, we probably shouldn't be using it." Rose concludes, turning up her nose. "I have a feeling she tampered with it."

"Who?" Scorpius demands, impatiently.

"You know very well who! The same person who stole it from the ministry." Rose tells him.

"Come off it, Rose." Scorpius scowls, "Delphi is only trying to help."

"She said all you had to do is turn it, therefore she must have already charmed it to where she wanted it to go." Rose takes a step closer, jabbing a finger into Scorpius' chest.

"That's barmy." Scorpius protests, cupping his hand over hers.

"Either way," Albus scratches the back of this neck uncomfortably, he hates when they fight. "I don't think we should play around with this. It's dangerous and we could wind up stuck wherever we land."

"I have to finish this." Scorpius shakes his head. Preparing to turn time, alone.

"Scorp, please," Albus reaches a hand out to stop him. "Your dad wouldn't want you to do this. If anything ever happened to you-"

"I know, I'll be careful...I just need to fix this." Scorpius insists.

————————————————————————

“Any news?” Draco asks, as they enter Harry’s office. Ginny, Harry, Ron and Hermione are waiting for them there.

“Still nothing.” Harry shakes his head.

“Damn it,” Draco breathes.

“Did you get word to the girls?” Hermione moves toward Rosanna, reaching for her arm.

Rosanna nods, taking her hand. “Leo and Arlo are on the way to my parent’s house. Lucius and Narcissa have Corina. Polaris and Vega left Hogwarts via portrait with James, they’re at the burrow. Hugo and Lily?”

“At the burrow,” Ron assures her.

“Assuming that our families are being targeted, that’s five of the children in one place.” Draco points out. “We need to move Vega and Polaris.”

“We’ll send reinforcements to the burrow,” Harry offers, instead.

“Very well,” Draco nods, mouth set in a firm line. “There are protective wards in place, I set them years ago. Have whoever you send set up a few more.”

“Thank you.” Ginny replies, turning away to make arrangements.

“You set protective wards around my parent’s house?” Ron had no idea.

“And yours,” Draco says, without hesitation, “Potter’s, Granger’s parents, the list goes on.”

“Well-” Ron stammers. “You didn’t need to do all that, Malfoy. We could’ve managed.”

“A simple thank you will suffice, Weaselbee. No need to blow a gasket.”

After all these years, Harry is surprised that Ron doesn’t understand. Draco is a simple being, he serves one purpose. Protect Rosanna and that which she loves. “Malfoy,” Harry cuts in, “I hate to ask, but your mark…do you feel anything?”

Draco’s dark mark is a subject strictly off limits.

Rosanna curls her fingers over the inside of her husband’s left forearm, protectively.

They tried to remove it, twice. The first time, Draco hacked up his arm himself. Mangled and bleeding over the washroom vanity. He sobbed for hours, even after Rosanna found him, healing him with magic, pressing kisses against his skin. He still has the scars.

The second time, Rosanna attempted to pull the dark magic from the mark itself. It was excruciating, as if the mark had twined itself with his soul.

“Not a thing, Potter.” Draco scoffs, “how’s the scar?”

Harry reels back, as though the question is somehow out of line. “Brilliant.”

They’re both lying.

————————————————————————

"Where are we?" Albus asks, scanning their surroundings. Time travel is severely disorienting.

"Looks like my parent's room." Scorpius whispers.

The trio scampers into the closet, away from view. As footsteps from the hallway draw near.

Rosanna steps in, sporting a lavender maternity dress. Her belly prominent enough to be seen through the material.

Flopping onto the bed, she runs her hands over the growing child, fondly.

The washroom door opens and Scorpius can see his father emerge, through the tiny crack in the wardrobe doors.

Rosanna rolls her head to the side. "Did you have a chance to look at names today?"

"Not yet, love." Draco sighs, turning toward his chest of drawers.

Rosanna's playful tone is gone. "You wanted another girl."

"He's yours, Rosanna, I'll love him."

Scorpius' heart sinks. His father didn't want him. His father who held him up on his shoulders, when Scorpius wasn't tall enough to see. His father who wrote him everyday, while he was away at school. His father who loves him…only because he is Rosanna’s son.

Albus' hand finds his, giving a reassuring squeeze. He knows what it's like to feel unwanted, in a way that Rose never would.

"What the hell does that mean?" Rosanna demands, the angry vein pulsing in her neck.

"I'll be a rubbish father to a son." Draco murmurs, under his breath.

Oh, Scorpius sighs. No, you'll be brilliant. You'll be the best father anyone could have.

"He'll grow to resent me and I'll fail him. I'll fail you." The platinum haired man sits at the edge of their bed.

Rosanna reaches toward him, resting a hand on his lower back. "Draco, no you won't."

Time whirls around without them, again, without warning.

"There's got to be a way we can get this stupid thing to work." Scorpius says, through gritted teeth.

"Let me see." Rose takes the turner, holding it away from her body. "Finite Incantatem." If something was controlling the time turner, it's not anymore. "Give it one last go."

They wind up on the return train to Hogwarts, days before the death eaters are scheduled to appear through the vanishing cabinet.

"Brilliant work, Rose." Scorpius breathes as they scamper into an empty train car, to devise a plan.

Part 15

[niragis-thot]

Niragi’s Favorite Toy

Part 5:

Niragi X female reader

Major warning for CNC kink is this chapter. Please do not read if this type of content is triggering to you.

Warnings: CNC, Dubious consent, smut, knife play, gun kink, and manipulative relationship, everything you would expect from Niragi.

I haven’t been able to get much writing done this week due to flare ups, but I am back at it now 😊 While editing this one I have been listening to My Strange Addiction by Billie Eilish

Part [1]

Part [2]

Part [3]

Part [4]

You felt a rush of adrenaline wash over you as you took off running towards the stairs. Once inside the stairwell you looked back. You needed to know that Niragi was on your trail. As soon as he rounded the corner to where you could see him you slammed the door loudly, making your escape route obvious.

Then you sprinted up towards the top. The thoughts of what the dangerous man would do once he caught up with you left you excited.

“Stupid bitch. You’re going to regret this.” Niragi’s screams echoed through the stairwell.

It felt like a gamble. When he had asked you if you wanted to be the hunter or the prey it had planted ideas in your head. You didn’t want to the prey in this world, but the thought of being his prey continued to creep into your mind. To be hunted by Niragi Suguru, then ravaged by him. You craved it.

But you also had learned just how unpredictable and violent he could be. You weren’t sure how much danger enticing him would put you in. And that unknown was exciting.

On the executive floor you could here him closing the distance behind you. When you reached his room you felt him grab you. He covered your mouth with his hand with so much force you felt your jaw would be bruised. His other arm encircling you tightly so your arms were completely immobilized. He slammed you up against the door, and pressed his body up against you. You squirmed and tried to free your hands, and the more you did the harder you felt him becoming.

He started to rub his erection on your ass. “You know, if you’re trying to run away from me, my room probably wasn’t the best place to hide.” He paused and began you bite at your neck for a moment, “I think you want me to rape you.”

You managed to break one hand free from his grasp, and he loosened his grip just enough to be able to shove you back into the door. “If you keep fighting me I’m going to have to hurt you. But it’ll be more fun for me if you do.” You felt the cold metal of the piercing on your ear. He released your mouth and moved his hand down into your swimsuit.

You struggled not to moan right away, but the twitching of your hips gave you away.

“Was I that good? You need me to force myself on you?” He taunted before withdrawing his hand to open the door. Once he got inside he shoved you to the ground and climbed on top of you.

You hadn’t been able to see him while he had you pinned to the wall, and now you could see he had blood on his face and shirt.

“Oh my god, are you ok.” You said, snapping out of the act you were putting on for a moment.

“Not my blood sweetheart.” He said while tearing away your bikini top. “And don’t try to distract me from your punishment.” Now that your breasts were free he grabbed your wrists and held them to your side. He began to lick at your breasts, teasing your nipples with his tongue piercing until they grew hard.

Meanwhile he made the bulge in his pants grind in between your legs. You had already felt so horny from fantasizing about him on the drive back, and now with him on top of you, you could feel yourself getting wet under the thin fabric of your swimsuit.

He started unbuttoning his pants. And began to crawl forward. He took you arms and pinned them above your head before sliding his cock into your mouth. Then he slowly began to thrust. Soon he was hitting the back of your throat as he mercilessly fucked your face. His large size, and how rough he was being made you choke. You felt your eyes water as you felt the pressure of him pushing into the back of your throat. “You sound so cute when you gag babygirl.”

He had you in an uncomfortable position. There was nothing beneath your head but the hard floor. His legs on each side of your torso prevented you from trying to move. The entire time he moaned, “oh Y/N. Your mouth makes such a great fuck toy.”

Your jaw was aching by the time he pulled out. He began to kiss you, tasting himself on your lips. It was a brief moment of softness before he gazed at you with a feral look into his eyes. He began to stand up and grabbed his rifle that had been leaned against the wall. He and pointed it at you and ordered, “Get up.”

You slowly stood and raised your hands.

“Turn around and take that swimsuit off.” You turned and began to slowly slide it off of you. You arched your back to show off your assets. Then you felt the cold muzzle at the back of your head, “get on the bed”

You obeyed and crawled onto the bed, daring to look back a second, “hold that pose.” He continued to aim at you while undressing himself and pulling a rope out of his dresser.

He climbed onto the bed and grabbed at your arms. Your face collapsed down into the mattress without their support. The next thing you knew your arms were being tied behind your back.

“So vulnerable,” he said while pushing the tip of his rifle between your folds. He slid it forward to hit your clit, and let out a whimper. “And here I thought you were only horny for my dick.” He continued to push at your clit in a circular motion. You were already so sensitive that it made the feeling intense.

“Look at what a mess you made,” he said as he pulled the rifle away. “Now clean it up” he place the muzzle next to your face for you to lick. “Keep going, I won’t give you what you want until it’s completely clean.” Right when he said that he pressed his hard cock up against your backside. You licked frantically while pressing back against him.

“You run away like you don’t want this, but your body is telling me otherwise.” He grabbed your hips and forced you to rub up against him.

You needed to be filled right then, and you felt like taking a risk to get what you wanted.

“What do you want from me little whore.”

“Niragi, please stop.” You looked back over your shoulder.

That clearly awakened something inside of him, because he grabbed your hips so hard you could feel his nails sinking into you, and shoved his cock all the way inside of you, ramming it against your cervix. The more that you squirmed underneath him the harder his thrusts became. You felt your body come to life as he moved in you.

Then there was a sharp sting as he spanked you hard, “This is what I have to do to you when you misbehave.” He continued to slap with more intestinal each time. Then he reached out and pulled on your hair. “And I can keep on hurting you until you admit how much you love this.”

You turned you neck to look back at him, “make me.”

“Stupid bitch,” This time he grabbed your neck and wrapped his hands around it. Your pussy clenched around him as you felt the pressure. “I felt that sweetheart. Now just tell me that you’re enjoying everything I’ve done to you. Your body already is.”

You nodded your head.

Niragi released your neck. “Good girl.” He continued to thrust into you while he moved his hand to your clit. You couldn’t hold back your moans any longer. “See, your body already knows it belongs to me.”

Your body burned as you felt him moving deep inside of you. As you lost control of your body your thighs began to twitch. With how aggressively he was pounding into you, it wasn’t long until you were completely collapsed on the bed. Your face pressed down against the sheets, unable to move with the way your hands were tied, and Niragi gripping your hips pull you into him faster.

Every moan you let out became louder and more erratic. Suddenly Niragi thrust all the way inside of you and stopped. His grip on your hips was so tight that, try as you might, you couldn’t slide yourself along his dick. You craved it so much that being still was driving you crazy.

“You don’t get to cum until I say so,” he said while spanking your ass hard.

“Please” you begged.

“I can’t hear you.”

“Niragi, I’m begging you.” You we’re so close to your release that your clit throbbed.

“I’m not sure that you deserve it.” He slapped you so hard this time that you let out a yelp. You could feel his dick twitch as your pain turned him on.

He pulled out of you completely, and began to flip you onto your back. With your wrists bound tightly together you felt your arms stretch painfully to try and accommodate your new position, your back arched over them to make space, “Niragi that hurts.” You cried out.

“Maybe you should have thought of that before you ran away.” Your comfort was clearly not any concern of his.

He smiled as he looked down at your face, and was immediately glad he had given you that makeup. Your eyes were watering, and the way your tears mixed with black eyeshadow looked so beautiful to him. He wiped away your tears with his thumb, and knew he wanted to see your face full of tears as he came inside you.

You gasped as Niragi entered you again, awkwardly trying to move your hips to meet his strokes.

“Since you want me to let you cum so badly, let’s play a game.” He growled into your ear. “I’m going to choke you, and if you cum before you pass out I’ll stop.”

He wrapped his hands around your neck and squeezed. The adrenaline kicked in as you realized how vulnerable you were. No way to use your hands, there was no way that Niragi was going listen if you tried to tell him to stop. You kicked with your legs which did nothing but make him even harder as he thrusted into you.

The danger, not knowing if he would actually harm you or not, made you shake as your lower body filled with pleasure. But it was when he leaned over you and stuck his tongue out, taunting you as he revealed the metal piercing that he sent you over the edge. He released you as you as you clenched around his cock, and kept thrusting sending waves of ecstasy through your body. Finally he threw his head back and moaned as you felt him fill you.

Afterwards he collapsed next to you breathing heavily. You managed to turn on your side to relieve a little bit of the strain on your arms and basked in the afterglow before noticing him drifting off next to you. “Niragi, I had a really good time tonight, but if you fall asleep before you untie me I swear to god.”

Niragi lazily rolled over and began undoing the rope. “I couldn’t have guessed you were so kinky, if you wanted me to be this rough you could have just asked.”

“I thought you’d enjoy the thrill of the hunt this way.”

“Speaking of the hunt, how did your game go? And why are you back without the shirt you begged so much for?”

“I regret to have to tell you that the last time I saw that hoodie it was on fire and in a Hyena’s mouth.”

Niragi raised an eyebrow, and you felt this would probably be the best time you had to stand up for yourself. “I appreciate you giving me the knife, but it wasn’t going to do anything against those hyenas. I’m not going to the games before my visa expires unless you get me a gun.”

“We’ll work on that tomorrow.” He said as you felt the roles release your arms.

You sat up and put your arms around you. “Thank you.”

He looked down as if unsure what to do with this display of affection. Furrowing his brow he responded in a mocking tone, “you only slept with me to get a gun, my feelings are so hurt.”

“Well maybe I wouldn’t have accused you of that if you hadn’t been a dick.”

“Come on, you know you like it when I’m mean.”

Satisfied with his answer you laid down and let yourself fall asleep.

[jujumin-translates]

Event | Act 3.5 Event - NEW ERA GARDEN | Chapter 4

*Contains spoilers for Act 12 - eternal moment*

Kasumi: “Toshi-san, I heard a strange rumor from your sister.”

Kasumi: …Getting this intonation right is hard. Need more emphasis here…

Kasumi: “Kondou-san, I’ll defend here! I won’t let anyone escape!”

Kaede: Papa, are you playing a woman?

Tsubaki: Or a man?

Sakura: Which is it~?

Kasumi: Uuh… actually…

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Kasumi: …Y-Yukio-san, this… is a mistake, right…?

Yukio: It’s not a mistake.

Kasumi: EEH!? B-But why am I the only one that’s double-casted…?

Yukio: Because I wanted to see you both as Kimigiku and Toudou Heisuke.

Yukio: You just played Shizuka Gozen in “Traces of a Dreams,” so it’d be boring if you were only the beautiful Kimigiku this time around, wouldn’t it?

Yukio: And we needed more people for the Ikedaya scene anyway.

Kasumi: Nonononono! I would be fine if it was just the female role, but it’s been so long there’s no way I can do the Ikedaya sword fight…!

Kasumi: It’s like sending the neighborhood kid to get into a fight with a yakuza boss!

Yukio: It’ll be okay. Yuzo said he’d help you.

Yuzo: …Yeah. Leave it to me. I’ve done this whole Shinsengumi thing before.

Kasumi: !!!

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Kasumi: (…Yuzo looked like a total bully then.)

Kasumi: This time, Papa has two roles, so it’s going to be a lot of work.

Kaede: Then you’re gonna have to practice a lot. We always practice dancing a lot at daycare.

Tsubaki: You gotta do it everyday. That’s how you get really good at it.

Sakura: You can do it if you just keep practicing a lot.

Kaede: We’ll go over there and play so we don’t get in your way.

Tsubaki: Yeah!

Sakuya: Good luck, Papa~.

Kasumi: T-Thank you…

Kasumi: …Phew.

*Page turns*

Kasumi: …

Kasumi: (It’s been a while since I played the female role of Shizuka Gozen, but I had so many people compliment me for it that I’m looking forward to playing Kimigiku.)

Kasumi: (The problem is Toudou Heisuke… I guess just practicing… is a good place to start.)

Kasumi: (That reminds me of the disaster that my first time sword fighting on stage was…)

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

“…Haah, haah, I’m sorry…”

After I fell to my knees, I struggled to get back up.

My body ached all over and felt as heavy as lead.

It’s like gravity had changed only in the area surrounding me.

“…Ain’t much to be said if the leader is like this. Shouldn’t we find someone else for the role?”

Syu-san’s words were as blunt as usual, but in that moment, they cut deeper than ever.

I felt so pathetic and sorry for myself that I couldn’t even face him.

It was the first time I was assigned a role that involved sword fighting, but no matter how hard I practiced, I couldn’t remember any of the moves.

Even when I tried to follow the movements slowly, it would just end up looking like a Bon Festival dance or something, nothing like a sword fight.

It was no wonder why Syu-san, who was trying to teach me, was so disappointed in me.

“Well, how about we just call it here for the sword fighting practice today, okay?”

I bowed my head slightly as I heard Yukio-san’s kind voice call out.

I was completely devastated by my own inadequacy.

“…”

Yuzo looked at me as if he wanted to say something, but felt like I couldn’t take even the softest of words now, so I just left practice as if to just run away from the situation.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

“…I have to get some things down today.”

The next morning, I headed to the practice room early, determined as ever.

“You’re here pretty early.”

“Eh, Yuzo? Why are you…?”

Suddenly appearing before me, Yuzo throws a wooden sword at me.

As I hurried to catch it, Yuzo spoke again.

“Grip it.”

Without knowing why, I grasped the wooden sword just as Syu-san taught me.

“Try and follow my movements.”

“But your role is…”

“I’ll keep your movements in mind, Kasumi. I’ll do it at a speed that you can keep up with.”

“--T-Thank you.”

It was only after repeating the process over and over again and gradually increasing the speed that--.

“Yay! I did it!”

I was finally able to keep up with the speed of the rest of the group.

The joy of being able to do what I had been unable to do for so long welled up deep inside me.

“This is just the beginning, Make sure you tell Syu-san that this role is yours.”

“…Yeah!”

Yuzo has always been harsh to me, but when I’m in trouble, he comes and helps me so casually like this.

He’s a really reliable childhood friend.

I’ll definitely make this role my own in order to repay the debt of gratitude for all of the help he gave me.

I had made up my mind and got back into the swing of things.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Kasumi: (Back then, there was a feeling I had that I had to do well as the Spring Troupe leader.)

Kasumi: (…I wonder if Sakuya-kun had any difficulties with his first time sword fighting.)

Kasumi: Wait, won’t Sakuya-kun definitely come to see this play…!?

Kasumi: (I can’t possibly let Sakuya-kun see an uncool sword fight. He adores me as the first-gen Spring Troupe leader…)

Kasumi: Sigh…

Kasumi: (I have no other choice but to accept my fate and let Yuzo push me around a bit…)

Kasumi: (But still… in this story, Kimigiku supports the Shinsengumi from the shadows and Toudou Heisuke leaves the Shinsengumi later on…)

Kasumi: (And I want to support MANKAI from the shadows in my own way, and I couldn’t help but overlap with them even after I left the company.)

Kasumi: …I always knew Yukio-san was still amazing.

Kasumi: (He’s truly like a wizard.)

[ ⇠ Previous Part ] • [ Next Part ⇢ ]

[jcbbby]

dani, i'd like to make a request. As someone who also struggles with ED, can you make a gic where reader has an ED and is went through a recovery? I mean, some years ago i was really underweight, i went through a recovery but my anorexia is still in there. and sometimes is hard to look at the mirror and see how my body changed, is hard to see that i kinda have a tummy now, see that my panties squish a little bit on my waist, see how my thighs look bigger... also my ed gave me stomach problems, i feel so much pain sometimes and it is hard to eat. reading fanfics where my favs comfort me about my body is my favourite thing to do when im feeling bad about myself. can you write one where said scenario happens with reader? (jamie x reader)

oh, bby :( I feel for you, I relate so much. I think anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder knows that it never really does totally go away. you just sort of get better at not acting on those intrusive thoughts. but I do want to make sure you know how PROUD I am of you, because nothing is more badass than waking up every day and still choosing recovery, regardless of what that voice in your head is saying. I love you, I'm rooting for you, and keep kicking ass you beautiful being!! <3

I know this is a little short, but I hope this fic brings you comfort when you need it. <3

Warnings: vague description of an ED and talk of body dysmorphia.

-

It was a gorgeous evening as you and Jamie were out to dinner on the Italian Amalfi Coast; a much needed vacation for the both of you. Your food arrived and Jamie immediately dug into his meal. You, however, stared for a moment at the plate of pasta in front of you as you held your fork, thinking about the couple pieces of bread already in your stomach. Jamie looked up from his food, giving you a small, encouraging smile, but letting you decide to take your first bite on your own time, not wanting to put any stress on a typical dinner that should be just that: dinner. You returned his smile, slowly twisting some linguine around your fork and bringing it to your mouth.

You had had a complicated relationship with food, exercise, and your body for a while before you started dating Jamie. They began shortly after you started college, the constant stress and change of environment had you neglecting taking care of yourself. These habits never went away once you graduated, and you carried them with you even when you met Jamie. This could have easily been shrugged off and flown under the radar to most but being thrust into the public eye exacerbated it all. There was an insane added pressure now to always look good, and more daily stress that came with traveling, planning things around filming and travel, and your own career.

When Jamie started to notice how the light in your eyes started to fade, he begged you to seek help. He told you how much he loved you and how much you deserve to feel the love he has for you, for yourself. And he was right; you knew you deserved more than what you had been giving yourself. He was with you through everything after that; your therapy appointments, doctor appointments, your treatment program, your entire recovery. Always supporting you, listening to your feelings, never making you feel like a burden, and doing whatever he could to keep you moving forward.

“Oh my god, this is so good.” You closed your eyes as you chewed.

“Damn right it is.” He smiled, trying not to show just how overwhelmed with pride he was watching you enjoy yourself eating again, allowing yourself one of life’s most simple of pleasures.

Later that evening, as you returned to your hotel room, your mental high from conquering the carb-filled dinner began to fade. You felt so bloated and your stomach loudly gurgled as it struggled to digest your food, a side effect of the years of denying it enough, often making it hard to truly feel as though you were really doing the right thing. That ugly little voice in the back of your head always loved to tell you it was a mistake to have enjoyed yourself like that.

You got back to the room and flopped yourself on to the bed, curling up into a ball. You let out a quiet groan as your stomach grumbled loudly.

“Are you okay, love?” Jamie asked, getting on to the bed with you, placing a hand on your back.

“My tummy hurts.” You whined. “I shouldn’t have eaten that…” You mumbled into the comforter.

Jamie tutted. “Oh, darling… But it was delicious right?” He sat next to you.

“Yeah…it really was. But I’m so bloated now.”

“Oh yeah? Check me out.” Jamie chuckled, standing up.

You peaked an eye open at him to see he had pulled his shirt up to his chest, pushing out his also bloated belly, cradling it like a pregnant woman. You giggled as you sat up a little bit, frowning quickly again as the adjustment hurt your stomach.

“Why don’t we get you out of that dress and into something comfier, hm?” Jamie lowered his shirt.

You nodded, getting up to let Jamie help take off your form fitting dress, twisting yourself and sucking in as much as you could to hide your distended belly. He grabbed one of his shirts that he wore yesterday, that lay draped over the chair in the corner and handed it to you. You slid it over your head, letting it fall to just above your mid-thigh. You smiled to yourself as it smelled like him. You climbed under the covers of the bed, wincing as your stomach gurgled loudly again.

“Here, take these.” Jamie held out a few Tums to you. “Do you want me to go make you some tea, too?” He asked as you took the tablets from him, popping them in your mouth.

You nodded with a slight smile, which he returned as he made his way toward the kitchenette across the room to put the kettle on. After he had prepared two mugs of tea, he came over to hand you yours. He went around to the other side of the bed, setting his mug down on the nightstand. He climbed into the bed with you, snuggling up close. He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on your tummy through the blankets.

“That should help.” He smiled.

You cuddled together as you sipped your tea, him caressing your back, settling in for the night as your stomach finally began to settle as well.

-the next day-

Jamie and you were going to head down to the beach this sunny, breezy morning. You sipped some coffee as you stood in your bikini in front of the large window that overlooked the water not too far in the distance. Jamie was prepping a bag of snacks and drinks to take down to the beach with you.

“Hey, baby, look at me.” You heard him say behind you.

You turned to see him holding up his phone, about to take a picture of you with the stunning backdrop of seaside Italy outside the window. You immediately frowned, subconsciously moving your arms to cover your exposed body.

“Oh, no…babe, please don’t.”

He lowered his phone, tilting his head. “Why not? You look so beautiful right now.”

You turned to the mirror that was on the wall to the right of you, pinching at your hips and thigh. You shrugged. “I guess I just…feel puffy. I wish I brought a bathing suit that covered more…” You sighed.

“My love…” Jamie walked up to you, wrapping his arms around you from behind. “I think you look so incredible right now.” He placed a kiss just below your ear.

You looked at him in the mirror, and then down at your reflection. “My bikini bottoms are cutting into my hips and my ass cheeks. I feel like it’s too tight.” You frowned, bringing your hands to your stomach. “And I still feel a little bloated.”

Jamie turned you around, now looking at you face to face, taking your hands in his. “Hey, remember what we talked about. It’s okay to feel that way. But you know it’s just that mean little voice trying to trick you. Right? And what did we decide to tell that voice whenever it got too loud?”

“…to shut the fuck up, you miserable ass bitch, because it’s just jealous of how awesome and beautiful I really I am.” You rolled your eyes while giggling.

“That’s right!” He pulled you into a hug, kissing your cheek over and over as you continued giggling. “And I, for one…” He pulled back from you, now dropping to his knees in front of you. “Love your beautiful, amazing tummy…” He placed several kisses to your stomach. “Your beautiful, amazing hips…” He kissed each hip. “Your beautiful, amazing thighs…” He kissed over your thighs.

You smiled down at him as he peppered your body in admiration and acceptance, in total, unconditional love. He stood up to then meet your lips. You pulled away from his mouth, bringing your arms around him in a hug.

“I love you, baby. Thank you.” You smiled against his chest.

“I love you, darling. All of you.” He pulled you tighter.

[yandere-sins]

So I thought I’d give a little life-update as there’s a lot going on at the moment and I think it’s visible on my blog as well. Maybe the positives first:

I do really like my new work, I like that I have set hours (even if I do overtime here and there) and though it got incredible stressful the last few weeks, I think the four people that work in my office space are the coolest in the whole company and I love the support I am getting, it’s something I always wanted for my work-life tbh! My dog is also doing very fine, she’s really a total sweetheart and I wouldn’t know what to do without her, and at least I, myself, am doing pretty okay-ish physically, so nothing to complain there.

Now to the negatives.

Unfortunately, my mom’s cancer returned but is quite hard to pinpoint. She went back to an even more aggressive chemotherapy and we’re hoping for the best. Honestly, I don’t wish cancer on anyone, it’s such a tough battle and even just as the primary caretaker it’s been really hard to deal with for me, luckily I have grandparents and a brother who all deal with it and help and support, so that’s good! My mental health though is suffering. It’s biting my own butt now, but I cancelled therapy to focus on work at the beginning of this year and now my therapist is fully booked, so I will have to sit out this month probably. I am telling that because that’s the reason I am struggling with concentrating on one thing for a long time, which includes writing, which explains the fluctuation of posts you are seeing, since I try to get requests and drafts done on the weekend when there’s less stress. Sadly only works like 30% of the time...

Going forward I have decided to indefinitely pause commissions. I have noticed that they put too much pressure with the deadline and expectancy on me when I am already struggling and sometimes need a day to myself. I can’t say when they’ll come back, but thank you all so much for your interest and support, it’s always a pleasure to write your ideas and I never had a bad experience with commission ♥

Good news for Mermay: it’s still happening! ... buuuut I am shortening the story I came up with. I think I was too ambitious with the three routes I teased, so I am trying to figure out how to ensure that it won’t drag out as much as Atreo’s story last year. Unfortunately, the start will be delayed some more, but we were going to celebrate Mer-June anyway, so at this point it probably doesn’t make as much difference (’:

Because the question arose a few times already, I will not be playing Honkai Star Rail. It has a few reasons, but the main one is I don’t have the time. Sorry to everyone who asked about it, but it’s just not the right time for me at the moment! ): I’ll probably be miserable again later when everyone has moved on to it and I am stuck behind but I have to make cuts somewhere ;;

I actually have some commissions and requests that I haven’t released yet, so I will try to schedule some of these in the meantime while I work out how to go about stuff. If you’ve been around for a while you probably know I like routines that’s why it’s always important for me to build them and keep them up. Other than that, I’ll probably focus on Mermay and my own writing projects which will happen rather irregularly. No guarantees on posting, sadly ):

I do realize tho that it just isn’t always possible to keep up frequency of posts and interactions I had when I started this blog, as much as it saddens me. I have to prioritze my real life before my internet presence (and I really need to not feel guilty about taking breaks from everything ever so often ;;), so if you see me vanishing for a few days, it’s just that really.

Thank you everyone who stuck around and supports this blog ♥ There’s another big milestone coming up veeery soon and I am always in awe that so many people would stay to read my silly little stories!! If you have some time and don’t mind waiting for a response, I’m always happy to chat and answer questions, so please don’t hesitate to hit me up!

Thanks everyone ♥

[sweetlilbird]

Hey guys, I feel like I need to be honest with you all.

I'm sure you've noticed (or maybe not) that I've been having a pretty sparse upload schedule of my fics. It was definitely NOT intentional; in May of last year, I made a huge, unexpected move hours away to protect myself from my transphobic parents. It was hard - I was broke (tbh I still am) and emotionally drained. If it weren't for my boyfriend and his family, I don't think I would be here today. As a result, I wasn't able to write as much. I think I uploaded a chapter that I had pre-written at that time, and then practically disappeared. I'm still really sorry for leaving you all with cliff hangers like that. Life is still incredibly busy for me even now, I just started school again to hopefully finish my bachelor's degree and it's been nice, but college is very exhausting. During this summer, I was able to write a few chapters as a buffer, but I struggled with finding the time to edit and post. I also had the unforeseen issue of struggling to write a female reader insert as I started to transition...I know, a weird thing to be dysphoric about, but I've mostly gotten over that.

Apologies for rambling, but the main purpose of the post is to explain what this all means for my current and future fics.

Well, for Where the Daffodils Grow and And The June Bugs Sing, it doesn't mean very much. I'm slowly coming back to writing for the first fic, and I don't plan on resuming the other fic until I have completely written WTDG. That doesn't mean I'll be waiting until it's all posted - I've been keeping up with some buffer chapters, just in case I do get too busy one week and I'm unable to write for some reason. As of right now, I have about 4 (including the one I'll be posting this week) buffer chapters written. In the plot line, we actually only have one arc left after this (which is exciting and scary! ahh), and once it's completed I will begin to post for ATJBS.

For my future fics (and regarding All of The Stars):

I will no longer be writing exclusively female (or woman presenting) reader inserts. I know this may be a bummer for most of my readers, and I can't apologize enough for that. My focus will be primarily on trans masc, non-binary, and gender neutral readers from now on. If I include smut, they may still be AFAB, but I will also write for AMAB readers as well. This is mainly because of the huge lack in gender neutral/male reader inserts. As for how All of The Stars relates to this, the reader will no longer be female and I am actually shifting it to be a specifically trans masc reader. Again, I apologize to my readers who were really looking forward to that fic, I hope you'll still enjoy the writing, even if you can't really insert yourself too much into it anymore.

Whew, okay, now that all of the important info is out of the way, I can properly thank you all. From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely thank every single one of you for reading my fics, commenting and leaving kudos. I still go back and read every single comment that anyone has left for me! Even if I don't respond (which I am so bad at responding, sorry!), know that I still read them and they all make me smile. I look forward to everyone's reactions to the rest of Where The Daffodils Grow, as well as the new fics that I have planned! If you guys have any questions at all, feel free to send an ask or message me. I will try to respond as quickly as I can.

Seriously, you guys are the best!

With love, sweetlilbird

[blackjackkent]

Writing Interview Tag Game

I was tagged by @ra-scheln - thank you! :D

When did you start writing?

A looooooong time ago. Haha. As a kid there was a several year period where I thought I wanted to be an author as a career, and always liked writing even after I moved on to other plans. The stuff I wrote as a kid is mostly lost to time, although I do still have the Google doc of a “novel” I wrote for my senior English project in high school. I haven't had the courage to look at it for a long time because it is uh. Not Good. :P (No judgment on my past self - we become better through trying and learning. But it would probably be unrecognizable compared to my writing now.) 

Are there different themes or genres that you enjoy reading than what you write?

Sort of? I like reading scifi and fantasy and the majority of my writing has also been in those genres. But I also like reading things like regency romance, historical fiction, very specific types of horror, etc. that I have no real interest in trying to replicate. 

Can you tell me about your writing space?

Sometimes I write on my phone flopped on the couch - that's how I'm writing my answers to these questions in fact! I'm a pretty fast phone typist but it's still a slower process, though, so when I really want to buckle down I usually go to my desktop computer which is in the office. Right now it's a big wooden corner desk but I'd like to replace it with a couple of smaller ones that are more easy to maneuver and put cool rgb lights on for the Gamer Aesthetic. XD

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Lately as I've been trying to write more consistently, I've been having a lot of luck with this web app called 4thewords.com. It's a bit of gamification but the main thing I like about it is you pick an amount of time and a word goal and it sets a timer for you and it has proved REALLY effective for forcing me to just get words down on paper. The first draft is the hardest for me by far and it's been often really useful for getting over that hump. So lately I'll set myself up for 500-1000 words or so per day of “battles” and that gets me the forward momentum that I'm trying to maintain. 

That said, I'm also trying to be better about not forcing myself to write when it's just not coming at all. I don't want to burn myself out. 

Are there any recurring themes in your writing?

I am sure the answer is yes but it's hard for me to distinctly identify them. (I'd be interested in hearing reader answers to this question.)

Off the top of my head, though - missing scenes, mutual pining, struggles with emotional control. I think one major thing is that, as someone who missed my prime dating years due to the Big Sad, a lot of my characters do have an underlying thread of finding love/fulfillment/connection despite obstacles, later in life, or when they feel they don't deserve it or don't know how to do it. 

What is your reason for writing?

The same reason I was almost an actor, the same reason I like making people laugh on my stream. Hell, even the same reason I like programming and making software that improves someone's day. 

I like making people feel things. I like seeing their reaction to something I've done and hearing that it evoked something in them. This is the most fundamental human connection in my opinion. 

Is there any kind of specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Honestly, any time someone takes time out of their day to leave any type of comment at all, it's guaranteed to make my whole week. But in keeping with my previous answer - my favorite comments are ones where I get to hear about how I affected the reader's emotions, or where they mention particular parts that really struck them. Those always make me really happy. c:

How do you want to be thought about by your readers? 

Interesting question. I think… as someone who is good with character voices and keeps tight hold of the fundamental core of the characters even when putting them in different situations. Someone who can manage both angst and humor well. Once again, I'd like people to look forward to what I write because they know it's gonna make them feel something that they enjoy. 

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Character voices and dialogue. I've been told I've been very good at catching the cadence of different characters, and some of my favorite things to write have been just bouncing those voices off each other and seeing what happens. I think this is really the pillar on which all the rest of my work is able to stand bc the characters feeling like themselves makes the rest have more impact. 

How do you feel about your own writing?

This really depends on when you catch me, haha. Some days I'm really proud of it, and some days I have a hard time seeing anything good in it. Currently in a bit of a trough of overthinking it, but I’m lucky to have a couple readers who are v supportive which helps. <3 Overall though I think I do a good job and have some interesting stories out there and in my to-do list. (I also tend to way over-compare myself to other people in the fandom; there are so many incredible writers around here that it's hard to put myself next to them.)

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

A mix of both, I suppose? Certainly in picking what I want to write about I am thinking primarily about what I would find fun to write and not about what has a “market” in the fandom per se. But I also am lucky enough to have found other people who do enjoy the same characters as I do and enjoy my take on them, and in that sense I am definitely often more excited about a particular idea because I know one or more of my friends would be excited to read it. :D So both things are definitely a factor. 

-----

Tagging: @writer86 @rhysintherain @bardic-inspo @thedarkstrategist (and anyone else who wants to do this honestly)

[liviavanrouge]

Chief Struggles pt 1

I've got a new disease in me

Livia: *Stares at the tribe nervously* I-I am your new leader! L-Livia Garcia Vanrouge! I will be representing you all!!

Connie: *Nods to her smiling as cheers filled the air*

Livia; A-And I choose....Ivan, as my vice leader- I mean Deputy!

Ivan: *Flies up and lands beside her, nodding respectfully*

Livia: *Smiles and looks at the crowd, sweating at the sight of some unsure looks* Let's work together, alright! K-Keep this tribe great!

I've got a friend that's losing sleep

Connie: *Lays in his nest, dark bags under his eyes*

Livia: Connie...

Connie: I'm getting old, kid, not much longer in these old bones

Livia: *Stares in disbelief, her ears flattened back* What...

Connie: You'll do fine without my guidance, I know it..

Livia: *Trembles and nods*

I take it hard, it's hard to take

Livia: *Walks beside Ivan then perks up*

Rusty: CHIEF!! It's Connie!!

Livia: *Runs off past Rusty, her eyes wide* Connie!

Connie: *Lays half in the river, smiling, his chest motionless*

Poppy: Chief, he's passed away

Livia: I see...

I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake...

Livia: *Sobs quietly, her chin resting on Connie's side* I can't lead this tribe by myself!

Livia: You left too soon!!

???: *Gently taps Livia*

Livia: *Lifts her head, looking behind her*

Ivan: *Smiles at her, holding his hand out* I'll help you...after all, I'm your deputy..

Livia: *Nods and takes his hand, standing up* Thanks...

One more confession

Livia: *Leaps across the river, taking the fae demon jaguar cubs with her*

Dolly: *Stares after them, tears falling down her cheeks*

Livia: *Looks back at the fae jaguar woman, giving her a silent nod*

Livia: *Stalks away, the cubs following her*

Velma: Where are we going, Ms Chief?

Livia: *Smiles down at them then looks forward* Home..

Discretion's not what I need to sell

Ivan: *Carries prey into the tribe, coming from the Hunt Tunnel*

Lynol: Why do we have to listen to her, she's still so young

Fern: I know but she's the chief

Ivan: *Snarls at them* HEY!! SHE IS TRYING HER BEST!

Livia: *Flares her wings, flagging them down*

Livia: Good job hunting, Ivan I need you to make a sky patrol party

Ivan: *Nods and flies away*

Livia: *Stares then looks down*

I never needed a reason

Livia: *Nods to Ivan, the two talking in hushed tones*

Livia: *Gasps as someone bumped into her* Ouch!

Vizik: Sorry, Chief!

Livia: *Chuckles, nudging him away* It's alright..

Livia; *Looks away, continuing to talk with Ivan looking worried*

For keeping secrets from myself

Livia: *Stares at the tunnel in the leaders den, feeling her breathing speed up*

Ivan: Leaders have to go down to find out the secrets of other leaders, it's to help them avoid past mistakes

Livia: *Nods, stepping forward then freezing at the ominous feeling*

Ivan: You don't have to right now..

Livia: *Nods, quickly stepping back* Alright..

And now that's just how I tell

Livia: *Climbs out of the water, dragging an apprentice out* POPPY!!

Poppy: *Rushes over, looking startled*

Livia: *Steps away, moving back from the crowd*

Ivan: *Smiles at her* You did good

Rosiet: *Bumps her forehead against Livias cheek gratefully* Thank you Chief, you saved my son!

Livia: *Nods to Rosiet* It was my pleasure, I'd save anybody..

I'm wide awake

Livia: *Gasps, her eyes bursting open*

Ivan: *Lays asleep beside her, curled up with his chin on his wrists*

Livia: *Looks at him, lifting her head*

Ivan: Can't sleep?

Livia: *Chuckles* Nightmare actually

Ivan: *Smiles, keeping his eyes closed*

Livia: *Smiles at Ivan, looking up at the moon light shining through the holes in the caverns ceiling*

I'll wreck this if I have to

Livia: Food supplies is low

Ivan: Someone's keeping animals from entering the tunnels

Livia: *Trembles, wondering if it's the faes that tried to turn her into a monster* Sevens above...

Ivan: Chief! You're not a monster, I see that look!

Livia: If it's them-

Ivan: We'll deal with it!

Livia: *Stares then nods*

Tell me what good would that do?

Livia: *Scowls, staring at the Senate*

Senate: Do we have a deal?

Livia: I'll think about it.

Livia: *Turns and flies away with her Bargain Patrol*

Ivan: *Follows Livia across the ocean and diving after her*

Livia: *Flies out into the tribe, landing in the middle*

Ivan: Chief-

I'll wreck this if I have to

Livia: *Tosses a deer skull, shrieking in rage*

Ivan: *Stares with wide eyes alarmed* Chief...

Livia: *Scowls, her eyes narrowed*

Livia: *Lifts her head, standing tall* Prepare for a border battle, we will not let them push us over like this

Ivan: *Yowls in agreement with the rest of the tribe, flaring his wings*

Livia: *Steps up onto her perch, her eyes narrowed* Not again...never again!

~~~~

I'd be so good to you

Livia: *Looks at the battle below, then leaps forward, using her wings to knock several stalactites down*

Ivan: CHIEF!!!!

Livia: *Hits the ground as several stalactites crushed the man in charge of the attackers*

Ivan: *Rushes over, his eyes wide as Livias eyes glowed* POPPY, SHE'S LOSING A LIFE!!

Poppy: *Rushes over, her eyes wide*

I'd be so good to you

Livia: *Lays on her side, her eyes dull*

Livia: *Gasps, her chief mark dimming*

Ivan: Chief!

Livia: *Stands up and coughs* I'm fine...

Ivan: *Flares his wing, helping her stand* Chief, it's alright...

Livia: *Nods* Take a patrol and bring back the prey...

Ivan: You heard the chief!

~~~~

You get separated

Livia: *Stares at Lilia, flaring her wings* This is something I have to do-

Lilia: You don't have to! Let somebody else lead-

Livia: *Stares at him then shakes her head* I gotta do this...

Livia: *Flies after Axes, Mosu, Fira and Nivia, heading across the ocean*

Lilia: *Stares then looks down*

Somebody's gone

Livia: *Stares with wide eyes* POPPY!

Poppy: *Lays on her side, holly berries in her food*

Fira: Healer Poppy...

Livia: *Looks at Leaf, her ears pinned back*

Leaf: *Looks at Livia and nods, stepping up to being Head Healer*

Livia: Alright...let's hold a vigil for Poppy..

And I don't know how this is wrong

Ivan: She is trying HER BEST

Stripe: HER BEST ISN'T ENOUGH!

Pillar: Elders are dying from this sickness!

Ivan: Livia is going to bring in healers from the outside, Leaf has agreed to it!

Ivan: They will be blindfolded and brought in

Stripe: *Huffs* It's like she doesn't trust us..

Pillar: Yeah..

Ivan: *Growls at them*

And I'm so frustrated

Livia: *Grips her hair, tears falling down her cheeks*

Pillar: *Shoves her back* WHY ARE YOU CRYING!? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!

Livia: *Flinches, moving back her eyes wide*

Ivan and Leaf: *Glares at Pillar, growling*

Leaf: Watch it, Pillar.

Ivan: Touch her again and I'll rip your throat out!

Livia: *Clenches her eyes shut, clawing at her head trembling*

Falling behind

Ivan: *Walks with the patrol, talking with them*

Livia: *Looks back, her ears drooping*

Ivan: Chief?

Livia: *Looks at him* I'm doing terrible am I?

Ivan: Of course not! You solved the food crisis and saved the elders!

Livia: One died

Ivan: You still saved them all and they're grateful...you're doing just fine..

Livia: *Nods and walks beside him, her ears pinned back*

You were a friend of mine

Livia: *Lays by Connie's grave, her eyes closed as her back gently rose and fell*

Connie(Ghost): *Smiles, laying curled up beside her, his wing tented over her*

???: She is here..

Connie: *Looks up, smiling*

Ivan: *Walks over* I'll take her

Connie: *Nods gratefully to him, fading away*

Ivan: Let's get you back, Chief...

Be so good to you

Ivan: *Lands beside Livia*

Epel: LIV!!

Livia: Hey guys, I came to visit, need a whole break from being chief

Vil: The Kiddos miss you and love when you send them letters

Livia: *Chuckles and nods* Thanks for watching over them Vil, tell them we'll be together again soon

Rook: We will!

~~~~

'Cause they don't know you like I do

Livia; *Walks through the tribe, looking around*

Livia: *Smiles and chuckles, kicking a ball back over to a few kids*

Ivan: *Chuckles, walking beside her*

Leaf: Morning Chief, shall I give you the daily report here or at your den?

Livia: Here, as we fly!

Leaf: *Smiles slightly and nods, taking off into the air beside her*

They don't know you like I do

Livia: *Does loops in the air, laughing*

Leaf: Shall I begin?

Livia: *Steadies herself to fly between Leaf and Ivan* Go ahead

Leaf: The apprentice that sprained his foot is doing better, we need more goldenrod though, we're going to be running out in a day or two

Livia: I'll have a patrol escort you to the Herb Tunnel, collect as much as you need but be cautious

Livia: Ivan, can you take care of that patrol?

Ivan: *Nods, smiling at her* Got it

They don't know you like I do

Livia: *Swoops down Leaf and Ivan at her side*

Leaf: The elders are showing signs of their energy returning, we're having them exercise for twenty minutes then returning them to Elders Cove

Livia: That's good..

Leaf: I wish to take on a new apprentice as well, there's this child named Pieper, she shows interest in herbology

Livia: I will call a meeting for it once we are sure we can safely secure more herbs

Leaf: Wise choice

They don't know you like I do

Livia: *Lands on the Perch Rock, looking out around the tribe*

Livia: Ivan, go prepare the patrol for herb collecting

Ivan: Understood! *Turns and flies away*

Livia: Leaf, you may return to your den, the patrol will come grab you when it's time

Leaf: *Nods and flies away*

~~~~

There's a difference from me to them

Livia: *Stares at the tunnel, walking down it with narrowed eyes*

Livia: *Pushes through a wall of vines, flicking her ear as her eyes widened at the sight of paintings on the wall*

???: Welcome Chief Livia...

Livia: *Looks at the lake with a glowing stone in the middle* What...

???: Come closer...

Livia: *Walks over, her eyes wide*

And the road home is paved in star fuckers requiem

Connie: *Smiles, staring at her in the reflection of the water with several others*

Livia: *Stares with wide eyes, tears starting to fall*

Harris: *Smiles softly* Bumblebee

Leia: Livia, you look great!

Dawn: Agreed...

Livia: *Steps into the water, glowing following*

I can never go, go back home again

Livia: *Closes her eyes, her chief mark glowing*

Connie: Blessing of Love

Leia: Blessing of Friendship

Dawn: Blessing of Compassion

Harris: Blessing of Loyalty

Edric: Blessing of Honesty

Livia: *Opens her eyes, her chief mark appearing across her neck*

Connie: Good luck...

Acadia is gone

Livia: *Steps out of the tunnel, finding Ivan there* Ivan...

Ivan: *Beams and leaps forward, hugging her tight* YOU DID IT!!!

Livia: *Stares then pats his back, smiling* Yeah...I did

Ivan: *Moves back, his hand on her shoulder* Great job

Livia: Thanks, Ivan...

Acadia is gone

Livia: *Walks out onto the Perch Rock, a nervous smile on her face*

Leaf: *Looks at the crowd* The Chief Lives!

Ivan: *Yowls, a wide smile on his face*

Livia: *Stares, noticing a few irked and disappointed faces among the crowd*

Leaf: Chief

Livia: *Smiles at Leaf, giving her a reassuring look* Don't worry about it, I'm used to looks like that

Leaf: *Huffs, giving her a look* You shouldn't be...

Acadia is gone

Livia: *Laughs, gently nudging her with her wing* No need to be upset on my behalf

Ivan: *Lands beside Livia, grinning* I'd be mad too in her place

Leaf: Hah! You better be!

Ivan: *Laughs, shaking his head* No need to bite the deputy!

Livia: *Chuckles, smiling at the two*

~~~~

And all my indecision

Livia: *Flinches, her eyes wide at the angry voices*

Ivan: *Snarls at the crowd* EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!

Leaf: Ignore them, what do you want us to do..

Livia: I-I DON'T KNOW!!! I DON'T!

Livia: *Claws at her head, trembling* Connie should've been leader!

Leaf: *Sighs, flicking her wings* Chief.

Livia: *Looks away*

All of my excess

Livia: *Looks down as some of her people came back wounded*

Ivan: Chief, you did your best

Livia: My best isn't enough! Being a leader means being perfect!!

Livia: My best isn't going to keep them alive!!

Ivan: Chief...

Don't you ever tell me I'm not loving you best

Livia: *Smiles, watching Yang get to practice his skills*

Yang: *Laughs, one of the apprentices tackling him down*

Ivan: *Smiles, coming up beside her* He's good

Livia: *Grins* I know, I trained him myself

Livia: *Looks at a few of her people, noticing their hostile looks then sighs*

Ivan: I'll watch him, promise

Livia: Thanks...

And I just need a minute

Livia: *Lays in her moss bed, her back facing the entrance*

Ivan and Leaf: *Stares at her concerned*

Leaf: Chief-

Livia: Is being leader of this tribe always this hard?

Ivan: *Walks over and nudges her gently* I'll take care of things for you, just rest

Livia: *Closes her eyes* Thanks..

I just need a breath

Livia: *Steps back as her people bombed her with questions* I-I uh...well..

Leaf: STEP BACK AND LET HER BREATH!!

Livia: *Quickly retreats into her den, her eyes wide*

Ivan: *Tents his wing over her* Just breath...

Livia: *Nods, taking a deep breath in then letting it out* Okay...okay..

It's very hard to drink to my continued success

Livia: *Smiles wide, looking at the fruit trees* There we go!

Ivan: Nice idea, Chief

Leaf: A very good one, indeed

Fern: Maybe if she thought of this SOONER we wouldn't have starved for a full day!

Ivan: *Glares at her* YOU ARE NEVER SATISFIED ARE YOU!?

Leaf: A shame...

Livia: *Sighs, looking down*

And I, I slow down

Livia: *Smiles, drawing on the cave walls with paste* You can use this to place history on your home for the new generation!

Bright: That's not a bad idea!

Fink: *Laughs* Young Chief, you certainly do right by us elders!

Livia: Oh please, this is nothing

Daisy: Nothing!? Why you've done so much for us! We are grateful!

Livia: *Smiles slightly, a bit embarrassed* If you say so, hehe

~~~~~

It's better in the worst way

Livia: *Walks along the fishing river, staring at her reflection*

Ivan: *Snatches a fish out of the water*

Bright: *Laughs heartedly, watching the younger generation*

Livia: *Positions herself to catch a fish*

It's getting better in the worst way

Virda: *Grins at Livia from the water*

Livia: *Gasps and swats the water surface, splashing Ivan*

Ivan: *Stares at her then laughs, shaking himself off* Nice one, Chief!

Livia: *Laughs nervously, her ears pinned back* T-Thanks...

Livia: *Glances at the water, trembling*

@queen-of-twisted @yukii0nna @zexal-club