#and im starting therapy and i just started meds but its so fucking HARD

[skylightdistraction]

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[widevibratobitch]

aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.

[hikarry]

You know that old saying about "breaking the family curse"? It always sounded so fucking dramatic to me. But real life is dramatic as fuck, innit? For my family, there are many "curses," things less visible — a shit load of undiagnosed mental health issues that silently influenced every part of our lives for fucking generations but that everyone insisted in ignoring.

Growing up, I always sensed there was something different about how my mother handled stress, emotions, and relationships, for example. It was like walking through a fog that we could never quite see through. Conversations were avoided, and emotions were bottled up. There were very few moments where we, as a family, spoke about our feelings. I saw the patterns repeating in my parents, my grandparents, and even in myself. It wasn't until I reached a breaking point that I realized something had to change.

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety - and so has my grandmother, but im the first getting diagnosed with adhd. Getting my diagnosis was like finding one of the missing pieces of a puzzle that had been scattered across generations. There is more. I know there is more. I am the culmination of generations of struggles people insisted on ignoring and that I'm working so hard to bring to light. It isn't easy— there is a lot of reaching out to my psychiatrist because my meds aren't working, and a lot of medication changes that drive me insane. I'm so tired of changes and nothing sticking. I'm losing hope on ever fixing this. Of ever having a functional brain like I had once for a week when a med by miracle made me into a normal functional adult and then lost its effect. Being back to shit after that week has been hell. But, at the very least, finally having a name for what I was experiencing, some things started to make sense.

The journey won't end with the diagnosis. In many ways, it is just the beginning. I still have therapy, i still have a lot to learn, but, even if I try to talk openly with my family about my struggles and try to explain it, they still don't understand it. They have told me in my face that they don't know what to do with me anymore, and is there a way to make someone feel like trash worse than that? I dont know what to do with myself either. I just needed someone who sat with me and cared. And listened. And tried to understand.

Breaking part of the family curse doesn’t mean everything is perfect now. There are a lot of hard days and ongoing challenges. I still haven't found the right medication and I'm in the middle of finals season. I can't study. My brain just goes blank. If I look at the laptop it's like I'm seeing Chinese. And no one gets that. No one gets how frustrating that is. I don't want to be there one more year. I want to finish my degree and be done with it, but I can't mentally study. My brain literally doesn't want me to. Does let me. It fights me, and it's so so infuriating. At the very least, it's a step towards healing, and as i dont want children, it ends with me. Or if one of my brother's children is diagnosed, they know they can rely on me.

If you’re reading this and feeling like you’re stuck in a cycle you can’t break, know that you’re not alone. All of this is a step towards understanding yourself and breaking free from patterns that have held you back. It will take time, but one can hope.

[olderthannetfic]

Alright I got kinda a bananas questions for you, but how much time do you think should be divided up between work, hobbies and people. Actually wait more specifically what do you think is a good goal to just sit down and do work, but like actually doing work. Like sitting down for 90 minutes and finishing something not working on said thing for 5 hours then finish it. Over the past couple years I kinda erm, just sorta stopped? My mental health has steadily going to shit and covid fucked that all to hell and I was spending so much time in what was essentially a state of panic(didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s essentially what was happening) that I was too exhausted to do anything and just kind of stopped. I didn’t realize it the time but now that I’m finally getting better Ive noticed how little I was doing and how doing little really negatively effects me. Its become a good marker for me to check that I’ve been actually painting, seeing friends, going for a swim but sometimes it still all goes belly up and I’m trying to figure out what is a good goal.(and whats a good marker for when fucking up) Like a realistic long term goal I can strive for and keep track of. I could real easily just say “go for a swim everyday” but that feels unrealistic. In fact I put exercise in same spot as painting so it would be more like “do hobby for an hour a day” but even that feels like a lot. The thought of that feels exhausting so at least for me it should probs be do hobby thing at least 5 times week. Big goal is to swim 3 times and paint twice or vice a versa. its just hard to do that and then I’ll feel like crap and then notice that I haven’t exercised at all for 8 days and I just don’t move around enough to do that. I’m like a dog or walking house plant that needs to go outside and move around for sunshine and blood flow otherwise I start to physically and mentally feel awful. Its just hard to notice you know? Ugh its annoying because there’s so much shit. Its not just that I need some kinda exercise I also need to do some kinda hobby thing for me and other shit that I like to do. And that isn’t even including the work I need to do. I wasn’t even working before I cannot express enough how much of “doing nothing” I was doing. I’m doing better know with meds and therapy and what not and it is helping but I’ll still get home at 7 and just look at my phone and do some combo of read fanfictin/ play sudoko till I get tired and fall asleep. Then I wake up and shocking, I’m still on bullshit. Sometimes its feels to much to shower (at least with that one I know that I can get away with one at most 2 days with out shower so if I didn’t shower the day before I can mostly just force myself into the shower) that’s what I’m trying to figure out for everything else so I can look at my self force my self to stop looking at phone and paint a shitty flower or something. I was doing pretty good but The other week I house sitter for a friend and was immediately back on bullshit. I barely left her apartment the entire time I was there I’m sure that if I actually went to class, got exercise, painted (I brought all my paints then did fuck all) I would have been able to get more work done. I think Im only actually productive when I’m actually getting up and doing crap. I’m in a contact state of “working” and doing nothing but time is moving forward. I have no idea what this anon is. Ugh whatever I’ll submit it anyway

TL;DR trying to be better at actually do stuff and not doing fuck all. Any idea on what’s a good goal to strive for and what’s a good marker for shits getting fuck go for a walk

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Social time is going to be extremely variable. I'm an extrovert and thus lots of social time is no problem. I also do okay not seeing people though as long as I'm busy.

Exercise should be prioritized above most other things, much as I hate this. You should be doing something basically every day. I agree that swimming is likely not realistic on that schedule, but maybe a walk around the block? It sucks, but forcing yourself to get off your ass every day will help with the rest of it. Also, exercise that takes you out of the house, even if only briefly, requires that you put on clothes, which is also helpful.

Get off of social media. If you're having trouble managing things, now is the time to take a break from anything that involves doom scrolling and time just disappearing.

(I say from my bed where I'm wearing the dirty sweatshirt I slept in and no pants while answering asks instead of working on my next novel. Hmm...)

It's obviously important to you to prioritize painting, but I see the difficulty there: you have to get set up and clean up afterwards, and you can't leave paints sitting around or they dry out. I'd try to schedule one longer session per week for now. If you have something else like sketching, you can schedule more frequent shorter sessions because that's easier to pick up and put down without a lot of prep/cleanup.

I do find little morning rituals like making tea helpful. They pry me out of bed and add some structure to my day.

[theallenshorefangirl]

Zoe's tape fragments, just like Lucas' hers, are in fragments around her level, and a side mission dollhouse puzzle with Shadowfigures a gift from the Watcher that leads to her small room replica where she rests in Allen's house where you can find her Hidden 8-Bit track "Sorrows Forgiveness" its a purple with gold sparkles and black wax dripping design on the game device)

warning it's a sad ass tape session

Beginning Tape intro:

Desmond:Alright,miss?

Zoe:it's Zoe....*she was around 18,wore a baggy jacket similar to one of his patients(Allen),and wore black jeans and a black shirt.her shoes were half tied and tucked in her shoes,her brown hair was unbrushed like she just woke up and had bags under her eyes,her leg also bounces up and down nervously* I'm kinda new to this whole therapy thing since I moved to Milton Haven.

Desmond:Alone? *Flips through his notes* do you have a job?

Zoe:Yeah, alone....I work at Homa Mart during the day,I babysit two kids at the Nygaard's place.One is a Freddy Ruhl, and the other is their kid Maddy Nygaard,I'm just not sure I get uncomfortable when Max Nygaard comes home before his wife? Alice, I'm still learning names. *She looked like she was gonna faint, and then I worked the lighthouse shift at night when a friend of mine needs his rest.....*she started to cry* I'm so sorry.* She pulled her hood up and knees up to her chest* I'm sorry I'm sorry *she accidentally knocks his clipboard out of his hands* I'm so very sorry I'm suppost to go to the hospital for some meds,they say it's suppost to work bu.....but I...I ......I don't trust em.They say it's experimental medicine.

Desmond:it's ok. There's no harm done. How about you rest since you're my last patient of the day and when you come back we can try this again. *end of beginning session*

Fragment 1:

Desmond:So,any troubles with completing tasks like at your jobs with your tics and or anxiety and panic attacks

Zoe:See,that's the things it's hard when a clown like Dave annoys me for having trouble with the registers, and for cleaning up messes he makes, I throw a thing here or there by accident,loud noises trigger it.And Inez always gets into a fight with him for being harsh with me.And well I'm sorry for the language but he punched my friend for fuck sakes!

Desmond:Mr Shore?

Zoe:Yeah, he's like a brother to me. When he can't sleep, I read him stories of Icarus and other stories of Greek mythology characters, and I make sure his rooms oil lanter stays lit.And well to be honest he's not wrong about the men in black I've seen them take the pictures I've seen the flashing cam lights! I'm not crazy he's not crazy....YOU THINK IM CRAZY I KNOW THAT LOOK *She threw her therapeutic fox plush at him and storms out*

Desmond:Zoe, wait *sighs* You're not crazy. A similar patient said he saw those cars heading that way

Zoe:SHUT UP YOUR A LIAR LIKE ALL OTHER PEOPLE

Desmond:*he sat down in his chair,Tonia headbutts his leg,he reached down and pets her*

Fragment 2:

Desmond:Well, she should have been here by now.Where is she?

*the phone rang*

Desmond:*he picks up the phone* Hello, this is Dr Desmond Wales?

Allen:Doc,I'm worried something bad happened. There was an incident at Homa Mart.Some lady threw glass at me.I don't know what was going on.I got what I needed and left in a panic. The police were there,and the paramedics too

Desmond:I'll see if I can get ahold of her

Allen:she's probably busy.I didn't see her,she must have been staking up boxes in the back. Oh, gotta go. I need to check up on something.*he hung up*

Desmond:*he calls Zoe's phone, but she didn't answer,it was Inez.* hello?

Desmond:Inez? Why do you have Zoe's phone?

Inez:she was badly hurt.First,she banged her head on the side of a shelf, and then Dave, like the dumbass he is, triggered her to go into an anxiety panic attack.And then she passed out and we don't know what happend and then [Mentions of Virginia's incedent] causing all of us to go into a state of panic.

Desmond:where is she at now?

Inez:she's at the hospital,I was gonna drop off her stuff to the hospital, but I don't have a car, and neither does she.She takes the bus.

Desmond:I'll stop by and get her stuff,I'm gonna get Allen so we can make sure she isn't badly injured,and tell Dave I'm sorry for his loss Virginia was a good patient of mine.

Inez:will do Mr Wales *she hung up the phone

Early that day, Desmond recorded a small fragment on her tape, mentioning that the stress was so intense that she passed out along with a glass shard fragment in her arm from where she fell.

Fragment 3:[the night of Allen's Incident]

Allen tried to get Desmond on the phone but failed.

*Zoe called Desmond,She had tears streaming down her face trying not to scream or speak loudly on the phone,the men in black was searching the inside lighthouse exterior,she was hiding in the generator room for the lighthouse light.Desmond...Desmond please answer this is a emergency something bad really happened just now

Desmond:*he sounded like he just woke up* Zoe,what's up?

Zoe:It's Allen his house is on fire and I seen the men in suits and I didn't see Allen leave the house *sniffles* and I seen someone drag a body out and I think it was Allen's and then I heard a knock at the door and *she loudly sobs over the phone*

Desmond:deep breaths,stay calm. I'll come and get you

Zoe:Please do,but be careful there.....*There was a loud thud as the door burst opened,she heard their footsteps above her.They walked around the area.She heard footsteps as they opened the door to the generator room,they looked around and turned away."Desmond, please come and get me. They left, but I don't know when they will be back....please *she sniffled and hiccups*

End of tape

To find the Astronomy Dollhouse and dolls, there are a lot of em to find a total of 9 figures,1-6 is Savior,Watcher,Shade,Bull,Flash and Empty

The other 3 are her other friends Shadowforms

[queen-of-darkness001]

Trigger warning ⚠️

Hey fellows,

I'm fucked up seriously writing this and sobbing feeling clueless about everything

I'm taking therapy for approximately 2 years and half and was diagnosed w bpd

And i was happy knowing what im goin through, like finally i have justifications and interpretations of each behavior I've always had, i read a lot, and even write a lot about this mental illness to transmit awareness to others. But what about me? I literally get obsessed with my dreams and it's not recent it was like this since my childhood, like i do escape into them even if they were bad, i turned every kind of nightmare into a short story and started publishing part of them after my blog was launched.

I encountered many distresses in my childhood , wished them to be triumphed

But they didn't they just became accumulated and caused me to be involuntary melancholic... i went to therapy because i tried hard w myself but i couldn't always find solutions for my case individually, i had anger issues , panic disorder, anxiety disorder, depressive episodes and manic episodes which are inclined to make me extremely crazy, like a balloon you whiff inside and the air blown makes it bigger and bigger until it explodes, then i feel nothing and deteriorate mentally and physically just going through dissociation, get obsessed with my dreams instead of living in reality... so once i thought that these means are just temporary and i need an expert to fix that disfunctioning machine , i went to a psychiatrist to help me out of this zone, i was literally loving people in an aggressive way instead of expressing love appropriately i just fuck it up ... I'm a writer and i wrote most of times for myself , also an artist and i did express myself a lot but for people it was rare because i was ashamed of the pain I'm carrying,  used to hide it thinking i might be a burden or pain might be underestimated by others. After a while i decided to choose being seen like enough is enough this creativity is fuckin getting outI started to write because i like it... and paint to express myself to people and to myself either. That helped me quite good through my sessions as well

And made me more honest and less ashamed of myself likewise,  my pain can be seen.

But here we go again after a time of self love and awareness here we go extreme either up or down and suffer into both processes... seeking help without uttering a word ... at the same time they get out of my mouth because i can't hold them anymore, instead of a person who's passionate i turn into a beast looping in a labyrinth its ending is foggy and can't be accessed. I have a husband, that already makes me happy and I'm very grateful, speaking of this I'm a very giving person and because of therapy and my efforts i just became more giving and caring

But most of times im being taken by others as a lazy person they can't get it that im fuckin tired and i cant manage it... i take meds and attend sessions and doing my best but my 100% is often seen as 1% by ambience people.

My mom and my husband are very helpful God bless them but whenever i look at them having other priorities to do aside of helping me at home or whatever i feel extremely guilty and i hate myself the double .

I wish i could do more but this is my capacity. I act within it.

I try to be productive, helpful and a giver but i fail sometimes too. Most likely not comparable with anyone else because a mental disorder isn't as simple as they think

I pass through 3 different phases daily

And i feel everything or feel nothing amongst them

I feel lost despite i know what i want

I feel sometimes that i wanna separate from all people and isolate myself

Im paranoid most of times that they might die or abandon me despite they're loyal and trustworthy

It's just me

I'm always triggered I'm always concerning about details my brain feels like a battlefield without a single exaggeration. I prone to explain a lot sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes me creepy and intimidating for others. Yes honesty sometimes is a curse

I'm honest about fragility but im a beast if someone tried to turn it against me not to work on it. Eventually im trying my best idk who's reading, who's interested but i just spelled all my thoughts here rn which are just a sample of what i actually encounter everyday. I wish i could rest.

I wish i could wash away my pain .

But all ik , all the positivity i get from here -is that i decreased the anger issues, am -being aware about myself and telling people about it even if my hands were shaking meanwhile narrating details that might be seen as shame

- defending myself despite i hate myself sometimes

- i stopped cutting and preferred smoking over it as a less dangerous self harm

- im good to my husband and family and even strangers who need my help

- im focused on writing and painting

- i give myself time to rest even though ig might extend but i always try to reach to a settlement with my husband to make him less burdened

- i find solutions meanwhile problems instead of just arguing and reaching no point

- i became so domestic and that causes me less anxiety because i hate going out usually. Doesn't change the fact that i love going out too with a safe company like my husband

- i was yearning if i would be a bad mother one day but with this amount of love and care i can give limitless support and provide my kid with joy at any cost

- whenever i do sth wrong recklessly i try to set boundaries and correct myself i even sometimes control myself not to do these stuff before they happen.

Had to vent because im off today and been worse since i had spasms and lost my ability to move my extremities for a while... now im good but feels like my first time in a gym and my muscles hurt af

...and in closure, i usually need confirmation from people about myself and a lot of praises

But im working on this now and trying to be neutral as never been before .

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[pinksparklelps]

Wanted to rant about mask

Yknow mask

From that dream fellow

Small guy you wouldnt know him

I unironically like the song because I can relate to it personally as someone with depression, autism, and anxiety

Being neurodivergent mixed with the depression causes me to mask a lot and just isolate myself

I stay in my room when i dont need to be eating or at school, and i prefer to stay in the dark. And with the depression, sometimes its just hard to even get out of bed or do anything

I started going downhill with my grades around middle school and got myself stuck in a rut, and all i can think of school as now is a documentation of how much of a failure I am, and when you’re depressed, it’s hard to see a point in trying if i already know whatll happen

The part of the music video where he threw away his meds is something i did once. I have to take a lot of meds, and i hated it. I didn’t want to lose the life I knew, i didnt want to lose myself, i didnt want to be pulled from my normal. So i just threw them away as i walked out the door. I even hid them so it seemed like i took them. The “normal pills” name is how it feels. Im taking adderall now, the common adhd meds, and that IS how it feels. Like im taking something that supposed to make me normal. Theres a standard that society set, and neurodivergent people don’t fit it, and the help we’re given feels like we’re just being molded into what we should’ve been.

Change is terrifying. There’s comfort in what you know. And taking meds, getting therapy, it scared me so much when i was younger. Like I was gonna erase a part of myself, and I wouldn’t be me anymore.

It feels so disrespectful when people shit on the songs lyrics like “scared to go outside, haven’t seem the light in ages” as though its just that discord/reddit mod stereotype when its a real thing that people face. People isolate themselves. I isolate myself. My depression makes me so ashamed and scared that leaving this room just isn’t something i want to do. When everything feels hopeless and sad you dont want to go outside and face the reality that put you through it. So many outside things traumatized me and furthered my fear and trust issues. Why would anyone want to be around the thing that made them feel so fucking low?

The lyrics arent a dream thing. Its a neurodivergent thing. We mask ourselves. We isolate ourselves. We fail classes. We smile to hide. We lie like everything’s okay. We’re real people and our experiences are in that song and shouldn’t be mocked just because a dumb minecraft youtuber made the it.

If you wanna hate on dream go ahead. I wont defend him. But that song just means a lot to me, especially since music is something so special to me and how im feeling. I see myself and others experiences in those words because theyre true and i hate when things get undermined or mocked because of some guy

[perihel1on]

why have i just gradually stopped coping

[beevito]

real talk!! 

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

omg wait i have ocd too and would love to hear more about jensen's obsessive compulsive habits (and how it effects his relationship with bryce?)

omfg i love this yall really ask the Best questions here (this is going to be a long ass answer btw)

(also starting with the fact that i actually have ocd it isnt just bs)(yes im gonna have to say this every time)

one of his biggest obsessions is around food, and its also one of the biggest things he works through in therapy. a lot of the time its things being undercooked, contaminated, expired, spontaneous allergies, etc etc. he often wont eat because of it or he has to wait until he can make something himself so he can see everything that goes into it. this is the only one that bryce really directly interacts with, and after jensen explains it to him, hes more than willing to list all the ingredients and let jensen supervise while hes cooking. after a few years jensen is comfortable with bryce cooking for him without the extra precautions

a few of the more specific ones:

guilt for declining an invitation to go out with friends because he feels like some disaster will happen and everyone will die. this one isnt all the time, but when it does happen in can be pretty bad. he wont stop playing different scenarios over until they get home or call him or something. a lot of tragedies and such in the news can fuel this one, so he tries to stay up to date with everything going on but doesnt watch it and reads it instead so he can't visualize it as easily (this is one that i do and its helped a lot)

needing to remember everything, especially what people say and their speech patterns. any exaggerations of a word or people repeating specific words, he needs to remember every little detail of it and it can stress him out a lot if he doesnt. with tv shows or movies he feels like he needs to rememeber everyhing that happens or it wont make sense later. its not as bad with something he can replay, but speeches and other announcements are things he is consistently obsessing over

with that being said, not remembering things is also a huge obsession of his. he is constantly worried that hes forgetting things or that he wont remember something really important, or that he misremembered something

balance is one of the ones that only shows up ocassionally, but it fucking sucks when it does. taking even amount of steps to get somewhere, lifting the same amount of weight with each arm, tapping something the same amount of times with each hand. this one tends to flare up when he hasn't slept (insomnia) and it can make getting through work very difficult

for a really long time, illness anxiety was really bad for him and taking any medications was similar to his issues with food. becoming a doctor has actually relieved this one, and if he does worry about it, he can rationalize his way through most of the thoughts so it's nowhere near as bad anymore

jensen also deals with a lot of violent intrusive thoughts, especially being around hospital equipment. usually just "what if i stabbed this needled into my leg as hard as i could" or "what would happen if the defibrillator was turned all the way up." these are definitely the ones he doesn't share or talk about. his compulsions with them are not harmful, but obviously if patients found out he was thinking hey what if i murdred you, they might not trust him. with that being said though, it does make him much more meticulous with his actions and more aware of what hes actually doing

also, jensen does have meds for his ocd, but he really dislikes the prescription hes on. it doesnt work how he wants it to, and makes him feel really uncomfortable so he doesnt take it all the time when hes supposed to. eventually he will get on a better prescription, but as of right now he avoids taking it when he can

most of it doesnt impact his relationship with bryce beyond what it would with anyone else, and, though it takes him a while, he does tell bryce about most of it (even the violent intrusive thoughts, but that one takes a long time). bryce really tries to help with the food one as often as he can, which include making dinner when jensen doesnt have the energy to because he knows he wont eat otherwise. hes always very supportive of jensen going to therapy and anything else he needs to do to work through it, and helps whenever he can

[morbidlittlebitch]

So my mental health provider decided to start denying me care because i stopped going to therapy, but i was still seeing the med dr and taking my meds. I even told them i still wanted to take the meds because they do help somewhat but i felt like the therapy wasnt doing me any lick of good, plus i had a very hard time trying to keep weekly appointments. I have severe social anxiety and panic and i hardly ever am able to even leave my apartment and they know this. They also know that some days i sleep the whole day and nothing will wake me from the severe fatigue i get from the depression, so even trying to do the zoom appointments were hard for me to keep. Well i guess just trying to be seen for meds but not go to therapy isnt ok with them. Now they wont even let me see the med dr or a therapist and say i have to wait 6 months to be seen again. Fuck that. Only problem is now my meds are going to run out soon. In like a week... and theyre always very adament in telling me "dont ever just cut your meds off cold turkey it will be very bad" and i learned the hard way how true that was in the past. Well wtf am i supposed to do now?? Ive been trying to get in to see a med psyche dr at the only other place here.in town that i can go to without insurance.. and i keep stressing i need an appt asap because my meds are going to run out soon. I cant even get a call back. Mental health treatment is a total fucking joke. And i am also panicking because theyre "reviewing" my ssdi case since to see if i should still receive it or not. Im very worried because the place i was originally going to dropped me from treatment and they may see that as stopping treatment and cut my benefits. Even though i explained on paper the situation. Its just with mental health you have to fight tooth and nail just to prove youre "sick enough" or disabled enough" or whatever because by looking at you they see nothing wrong with you and dont see how it disables your every day activities and prevents you from working. If they stripmy benefits idk what i will do. I will have no income and i know even if i try to get a job it wont last. Thats why i stopped working because i kept losing my jobs due to issues from my mental illnesses that were out of my control.

[tetranocular]

having a personality disorder is absolute balls

the whole ethos of my life is just.. finding an easier way because i have zero tolerance for hard things

i cant just push through the way other people often can, so when an easy alternative isnt available, i crack under pressure and give up

and my threshold for what is or isnt easy is slowly shifting so that more things feel impossible to do

and its not like i cant do challenging things, im capable on occasion, but i cant choose what those things are at all, even when its something i KNOW will benefit me, or when it’s something i REALLY want to do

and the extra sucky thing is that when i try and communicate this to my parents, they dont seem to get it at all, which is an extremely frustrating and isolating experience

and its not like i havent worked to try and change this. ive been in therapy since i was 13. that’s a decade. a decade of therapy and there’s nothing to show for it. hell, it was only a couple years ago that we were finally like “oh hey you might have a personality disorder!” 

so what did i do? i went and found a therapist who specialized in personality disorders, i told him what hasnt worked for me in the past, and he essentially said “shit, the things that havent worked for you in the past are the only things i know how to do, sorry :/”

and ive kept him despite making basically no progress with him because he’s one of the few therapists willing to keep my parents at bay for me, because they just cant accept that i dont work the same way as them and dont trust me enough to make decisions about my life and need some dude who also understands very little about me to echo what i say in order to actually take shit seriously

because if he didnt do that, they’d start hounding me about doing things their way again, despite the fact that it made me 10x more miserable. hell, even with him keeping them at bay, they still try and do that! my therapist just makes it so its less frequent

god, and before anyone says anything, im SO fucking tired of people telling me what i need to do to improve my life

if you have a suggestion, chances are, ive already tried it, so just please fucking dont

like man ive tried so much shit. i’ve been to a wilderness program, ive been to a therapeutic boarding school, ive done yoga and breathing exercises and mediation and cbt and dbt and exercise and group therapy and VARIOUS meds. fuck, the only thing i feel like i HAVENT tried is sending electric waves directly into my brain, and thats only because people say that the treatment can make your memory worse, and i already cant remember most of the shit i do each day. even so, im STILL considering trying that out, because i just dont know what else to do

i just... i really wish i could approach life in a different way, but they dont call personality disorders ‘personality rigidity’ for nothing. shit feels impossible to change. ive spent half my life trying to be even mildly functional, and it hasnt worked, so at this point, im tempted to say that i just cant

and the thing is that its just so fucking typical of me. giving up because it’s hard. but im just so fucking tired of trying. believe me, if it seemed like shit was working, id probably have a bit more drive, but ive been running in place for a decade. im tired. i want to just be able to exist as-is without someone (cough cough my parents) complaining to me that im ill-equipped for the world and that im not doing enough and wasting my life 

i know! believe me, i know!! i AM ill-equipped for the world, and shit, i probably am not doing enough, but unless you can wave a magic fucking wand and fix it for me, youre just gonna have to take me the way i am, because i dont see change on the horizon

[emakenz]

its weird that im in so much emotional distress and im being forced to go to therapy yet everytime i have been in therapy nothing fucking helped and if i say im suicidal or im harming myself they have to legally report me. and then send me to the mental hospital, the place where they will drug me without consent nonstop. how does this help me in any way. i cant get help when i need it or i will be thrown into the loony bin and shot up with shit idk the names of. if i say anything thats actually on my mind i get hurt. if i hold it in i hurt myself. if i hurt myself inside i hurt myself on the outside and that affects everyone around me. if i cut again, my parents could be thrown in jail, i could be thrown into foster care, i would also have to be in the mental hospital. im so fucking stressed because my parents are telling me to let it out at them, get it out, they want me to scream and cuss and let it out. i cant muster enough energy to be mad at them, they have been nothing but supportive of me since this shit started. im mad at the system that claims to protect but honestly it harms more than anything. i dont fucking understand why it had to be me. i dont need supervision, im not a fucking toddler, im almost 17. i swear to god. this county is fucking shit. nobody can help me. nobody will help me that can. i feel responsible for all of this but i just fucking cant stand it. i cant function. i cant sleep, ive had a headache for days, i have no schedule, cant remember shit, body aches, mood swings, outbursts, forget to eat and any self care is out of my mind. fuck the system. fuck this town, fuck this county, fuck this state, fuck this country, and fuck the people in power. i was doing fine. i was doing good. then they threw me into deep shit. i cant be honest about my feelings or i will get even more hurt. im afraid to tell my parents anything because if something happens, they might say the wrong thing that ive said and that would get us all in trouble. if i stay quiet i will rot alive. im exhausted, i just want to sleep, i still have a fucking uti but its hard to manage with all this stress, i forget to take my meds some days. the meds dont even fucking work no matter how much we change the doses and prescriptions. what the fuck is wrong with me. i wish i was never born, thats honestly how i feel. i dont want to kill myself but i sure as hell dont want to be alive right now. this power dynamic is stupid as shit, how the hell do you think im going to get better when youre the fucking reason i feel this way. why. it fucking hurts man. anyway back to disassociating to cope

[sukirichi]

read the new chapters and aAAACKKKKK BESTIE???

y/n - ‘I was born to make everyone’s life a living hell’ maam this LINE?! JAW DROPPED, TIME STOPPED being insecure all her life and wanting to live up to the expectations to her dad just to have that sliver of attention from him, that sentence gives us a glimpse on how little she felt despite being accomplished, rather successful actually because she always cleans her boss’ mess have a lot of baggage to unpack. and when the secret was confirmed, her anger rejects all of the entity that ties with her past because both her parents deprived her for the things she was supposed to have– becoming greedy to fulfill those. then eventually, somehow, going back to her roots aka being humble after having the talk with her dad. As most of her insecurity started because of him and how she had to be the bigger person for his other family, clearing out the misunderstanding between them brought a sense of peace  while she’s settling in the restless turn of events.

and with our main man gojo, this guy, it is not wise to- 😤😤 how can you say you’re engaged after doing the body tango huh? esp when you said you want y/n to be your wife? oh gee and the revelation of his past relationship with mia and how he sees her in y/n is so fucked up. can’t help but think that satoru wanting to marry and be this lovey-dovey with y/n is just him reliving the moments that mia never gave him in the past. and y/n accepting that their current relationship is based on how they’re filling up the cracks in their needs and settling for the sake of familiarity. imagine how deep in love our girl is to keep satoru in her life 💔 im still in it for the second lead agenda

needless to say, everyone here needs a therapy so they can get their shit straight together 🤧🤧 (ノ•̀ o •́ )ノ ~ ┻━┻

BUT i know you mentioned this many times but laywer! naoya all poised and in his best behavior while helping y/n in her new situation has my heart go💕💕 winning lots of cases and is known in his field, he proved that he is both beauty and brains. and the pen spin??? man be pulling those fast spins either to distract or impress the person he is talking to flashing those perfect white pearls wtf now i can’t get that out of my head naoya brain rot 🥵🥵 also celebrity chef! sukuna in charge of all those delicious, exquisite cuisines? imma make myself broke just to taste his masterpiece🥲 ooh but how about him being a michelin star chef and owning a michelin-starred resto?! no doubt, left and right you see this man appearing on some high food magazine on the cover 😊😊 oh oh i also saw that supermodel! choso?? also his face is plastered on magazines AND luxurious advertisements ex. shibuya crossing! where most people be drenched in his glorious presence yea weird shibuya arc ref pls kill me and everyone talks how handsome and intimidating he is while he just have a rbf and only the closest people in his life get to see him drop that front 😌😌

with that in mind, imagine supermodel! choso being a godfather to the baby of y/n?? he would go soft immediately at the sight of the child and would probably love giving lots of branded clothes it will be good enough for more than a year ☺️🥲😭

oh and there is this one scene in chp7 that reminded me of the recent korean movie i watched i dont wanna say it in case you wanna check it out its called sweet and sour and oh god idk why but watching it, mind keeps on prompting your fics 😬😬 maybe bcos i some of your fic always had med related topics and the main actress role there is a nurse. i remember that you’re on your clinic training so maybe thats why 😳oohh pls don’t forget to take breaks and be safe heart and oh ur a psych major too? oh wow hi ig in relation to one actress in the sweet and sour fic, she was also in a kdrama the heirs- which was popular at the time with it being packed with some solid household actors and actresses. sky castle tho, ig it relates to the theme of reckless more because its mostly how parents from the upper class will mindlessly destroy someone’s life to attain their materialistic desires  🤧🙂

this fic, easily in my top 3 ‘heart belongs to who it dictates’ so many twists, so much drama and ANGST! YES BESTIE GIMME THOSE ANGST 🥲😌

i hope you’re doing well nowadays :’)) we need to find gege the best chiropractor to take care of his back, so good that it’ll make naoya respawn to life 🙂 suki i don’t think i’ll get tired of saying how much i love your work that it feels illegal im reading it for free 💔. i don’t really have much to offer, but im wishing you good health and success in your life :’)) aah i’ve mentioned this already but take care always 💕💖😊🥰

- 🍳

read the new chapters and aAAACKKKKK BESTIE???

y/n - ‘I was born to make everyone’s life a living hell’ maam this LINE?! JAW DROPPED, TIME STOPPED being insecure all her life and wanting to live up to the expectations to her dad just to have that sliver of attention from him, that sentence gives us a glimpse on how little she felt despite being accomplished, rather successful actually because she always cleans her boss’ mess have a lot of baggage to unpack. and when the secret was confirmed, her anger rejects all of the entity that ties with her past because both her parents deprived her for the things she was supposed to have– becoming greedy to fulfill those. then eventually, somehow, going back to her roots aka being humble after having the talk with her dad. As most of her insecurity started because of him and how she had to be the bigger person for his other family, clearing out the misunderstanding between them brought a sense of peace  while she’s settling in the restless turn of events.

and with our main man gojo, this guy, it is not wise to- 😤😤 how can you say you’re engaged after doing the body tango huh? esp when you said you want y/n to be your wife? oh gee and the revelation of his past relationship with mia and how he sees her in y/n is so fucked up. can’t help but think that satoru wanting to marry and be this lovey-dovey with y/n is just him reliving the moments that mia never gave him in the past. and y/n accepting that their current relationship is based on how they’re filling up the cracks in their needs and settling for the sake of familiarity. imagine how deep in love our girl is to keep satoru in her life 💔 im still in it for the second lead agenda

needless to say, everyone here needs a therapy so they can get their shit straight together 🤧🤧 (ノ•̀ o •́ )ノ ~ ┻━┻

BUT i know you mentioned this many times but laywer! naoya all poised and in his best behavior while helping y/n in her new situation has my heart go💕💕 winning lots of cases and is known in his field, he proved that he is both beauty and brains. and the pen spin??? man be pulling those fast spins either to distract or impress the person he is talking to flashing those perfect white pearls wtf now i can’t get that out of my head naoya brain rot 🥵🥵 also celebrity chef! sukuna in charge of all those delicious, exquisite cuisines? imma make myself broke just to taste his masterpiece🥲 ooh but how about him being a michelin star chef and owning a michelin-starred resto?! no doubt, left and right you see this man appearing on some high food magazine on the cover 😊😊 oh oh i also saw that supermodel! choso?? also his face is plastered on magazines AND luxurious advertisements ex. shibuya crossing! where most people be drenched in his glorious presence yea weird shibuya arc ref pls kill me and everyone talks how handsome and intimidating he is while he just have a rbf and only the closest people in his life get to see him drop that front 😌😌

with that in mind, imagine supermodel! choso being a godfather to the baby of y/n?? he would go soft immediately at the sight of the child and would probably love giving lots of branded clothes it will be good enough for more than a year ☺️🥲😭

oh and there is this one scene in chp7 that reminded me of the recent korean movie i watched i dont wanna say it in case you wanna check it out its called sweet and sour and oh god idk why but watching it, mind keeps on prompting your fics 😬😬 maybe bcos i some of your fic always had med related topics and the main actress role there is a nurse. i remember that you’re on your clinic training so maybe thats why 😳oohh pls don’t forget to take breaks and be safe heart and oh ur a psych major too? oh wow hi ig in relation to one actress in the sweet and sour fic, she was also in a kdrama the heirs- which was popular at the time with it being packed with some solid household actors and actresses. sky castle tho, ig it relates to the theme of reckless more because its mostly how parents from the upper class will mindlessly destroy someone’s life to attain their materialistic desires  🤧🙂

this fic, easily in my top 3 ‘heart belongs to who it dictates’ so many twists, so much drama and ANGST! YES BESTIE GIMME THOSE ANGST 🥲😌

i hope you’re doing well nowadays :’)) we need to find gege the best chiropractor to take care of his back, so good that it’ll make naoya respawn to life 🙂 suki i don’t think i’ll get tired of saying how much i love your work that it feels illegal im reading it for free 💔. i don’t really have much to offer, but im wishing you good health and success in your life :’)) aah i’ve mentioned this already but take care always 💕💖😊🥰

- 🍳

y/n becomes a real baddie when she’s pissed off 😫

hmm y/n wasn’t really working hard for her dad’s attention, it was more like she felt so left out and unwanted (she feels unwanted wherever she goes) that she just decided to pack up and support them from afar bcos to her, she’s so alienated in her dad’s family that she felt like she had to work hard to earn a spot in their table. she knows she’s the outsider but she wants to feel like she can be part of them, that she is also a child deserving of love and care, but becos her stepmom focused more on her actual kids and her own dad was too busy with his new family now, it made y/n feel that she had to do something to be worthy of that.

that’s why most of the money she made working in tokyo was still wired to her family; she put her brothers in school and supported them, all because she hoped it would make them accept her more. now, things are different because she finally found her biological family, but even if valeria and co. still don’t want her, y/n is now more focusing on building something that’s truly hers that no one can take away. yes yes, she did become greedy, but more for power than of acceptance. she got to a point she doesn’t care as much vying for her parents’ approval and now thinks her luxury gives her comfort; only because at least she has that much. like she said in the latest chapter, happiness was not what she needed, it was stability and money - all things she lacked before.

and yea she did go back to her roots! all of her issues started with her dad anyway but that part is slowly patching up 🩹💔 oooh actually your theory is right bestie 🧐 gojo found y/n interesting bcos she reminded him of mia, so the more she pushed him away, the more he’s like wait, i’ve been here before, let’s not repeat past mistakes but i can do better now. on the part where gojo talked to mia while she was asleep, notice how he said he’s given a second chance to do better now, all because he couldn’t do them with mia but he could with y/n.

ohhh actually y/n was the one who established that ‘fulfilling mutual need and settling for familiarity instead of being lonely’ type of relationship. gojo avoided her for weeks and he’s pretty settled in keeping his distance, but she was the one who sought him out. deep down, y/n is afraid if she doesn’t at least use him as an anchor to her more humble roots, then she might spiral out of control and end up like valeria, thus using him as a ‘distraction’ but in reality, she needs his comfort to be grounded.

SECOND LEAD AGENDA OMG LETS GOOO 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️ geto the fine fine option.

NO BESTIE MOMENT U MENTIONED LAWYER NAOYA I JUST KNEW I WAS GONNA SCREAM. okay but lawyer! naoya is so fine, i love his character so much bcos he’s a pure bean. originally, i was gonna make him an antagonist but i found he had more potential as a good, supportive character. HIS PEN SPIN HELPPP WHY COULDN’T HE JUST BEEN OUR BABY DADDY 😫 he pulls them fast spins bcos he’s nervous btw HAHAHAHA y/n can be quite intimidating and lawyer! naoya is sometimes too precious.

celebrity chef! sukuna is MEAN! he was pictured after gordon ramsay so lmao. omgggg sukuna being famous not only for his food but also his handsomeness 😳 he gets so cocky over how no one can get in his level while popping a battle of champagne, listening to ‘careless whisper’ while dancing to his reflection in the mirror 😤

also yoo supermodel! choso is THE hot shit 🥵 he’s so famous his schedule is packed for an entire year and a half and those are just for very selected brands and designers! ugh imagine going to work on the subway when you see supermodel! choso with rbf posing sexily and you swoon because he’s so sexy. plot twist that choso doesn’t know how to drive bcos as a kamo family member, they grew up with drivers taking them to and fro, so when his driver got sick and everyone else was busy, supermodel choso takes the subway himself and hides behind a face mask and cap while still wearing extravagant clothes that makes him stand out more. he does not have ‘subtle’ on his book at all.

and yeah people say he’s intimidating but its more his height and build + rbf! in reality, he’s just as soft and sweet as naoya, but both of them go into protective mode when someone they care about is being crapped on. and boy when they DO get into “what did you just say?” mode, better run away 🏃🏻‍♀️ supermodel! choso is also an heir to the kamo empire though not after the business, but he still has enough power to take you down in a second.

meanwhile, lawyer! naoya didn’t become this successful without being so savage yet composed he makes you question your entire existence before he drags you to court. lawyer! naoya is so scarily convincing that he can make you plead guilty even tho you did nothing wrong 💀

aaaah omg supermodel! choso LOVES babies actually! as the eldest child who looked after his brothers bcos the kamo parents are always away for work, being a father figure is so natural to him. i can picture him being the one who cries harder than gojo if the baby is born bcos he’s so excited, then reads poems to the baby before sighing that childbirth is such a beautiful thing 🥺

omg i know sweet n sour, the actresses are one of my faves tho i haven’t watched it yet! oooh they’re a nurse? i didn’t know that 🧐 i actually finish my short training in a week so i’ll be heading on to heavy majoring in psychology! wait bestie are YOU also a psych major 😳💕 oh and i see i see, sky castle *jots that down for future references* reckless actually has lots of significance in terms of the parents’ roles so i’m excited to see that! and aww thank you so much, can’t believe i made it in someone’s top three 🥺💕

HELP AHSKWKW i’m gonna call the best chiropractor in the world and send them gege’s way, i’ll cry a river if that’s what it takes to bring my boo back to life 😭 and noo baby the support already means a lot to me, i’m just happy to indulge in my hobbies and share it wih you all so thank you very much for everything 🥺 please take care of yourself too n have a nice day!! kith MWAH 💕