#i got diagnosed with fucking PTSD last WEEK

[skylightdistraction]

-

[mynameismckenziemae]

In Case You Didn’t Know

Part 5

(previous part here, next part here)

Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x OFC

Summary: Jake takes you on the date he wishes he would’ve all those years ago.

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, smut, oral (m receiving), etc.

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

Jake’s phone vibrates on his nightstand as he gets into bed.

🐓: So? Did you talk? Was I right?

Jake: Yeah we talked.

🐓: And?

Jake: …you were right.

🐓: HELL YEAH! I fucking knew it! You could cut the tension between you two with a knife. Did you…you know 😏

Jake: I want to take her out on date first.

🐓: Where are you gonna take her?

Jake: I don’t know, kind of limited with the leg. I just want it to be special.

🐓: Where did you take girls for dates in high school? Do that with her.

Jake: We’d pick up food at the local car hop, park somewhere to eat then fool around in my truck bed.

🐓: Sounds…great?

Jake: 🖕🏻there wasn’t much to do for teenagers around here back then. But honestly, I think Charlie would love it. I’d have to ask my sister for my truck back though. She takes care of it while I’m gone for me.

🐓: Emma? She’s a 10 🥵

Jake: No.

🐓: She single yet?

Jake: She’s not interested.

🐓: So she is single.

Jake: I’m going to bed.

🐓: You realize I’m going to meet her at your wedding, right? You’re just putting off the inevitable.

Jake: Goodnight Bradshaw.

Jake smirks at the thought. Bradshaw probably thinks Jake’s just being a protective older brother but it’s just the opposite. Emma looks like a sweet southern belle but she would eat him alive.

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

He hesitates before biting the bullet and texting Emma; he’s always been a little scared of her.

Jake: Hey Emma Lou.

Emma: Hey! When did you make landfall? Everything go okay?

Jake: Almost 2 weeks, and not really. I was hit on the way back to the carrier and had to eject. I broke my leg and got a little beat up on the way down. I left the hospital forgetting Ma and Dad are gone so I’m staying with Charlie. They don’t know yet, please keep it that way. You know how much this trip means to them. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, my head was a little messed up and just didn’t want you to worry or take time off from that new job.

Emma: WTF!?!?? That’s fucking bullshit, Jake. I’m a large animal vet with 2 partners that are happy to cover for me. I wouldn’t have had an issue getting off of work and you know it.

Jake: I do know. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight.

Emma: No shit.

Emma: Are you okay?

Jake: Getting there. Charlie’s been doing my PT, I saw ortho and that’s healing okay. I have a video visit with a therapist tomorrow.

Emma: Therapist?

Jake: Diagnosed me with PTSD after the accident. I’m feeling better already but if I don’t go to therapy they’ll ground me longer.

Emma: The Navy grounding you will be the least of your worries once Mom finds out. I’m not gonna be the one telling her.

Jake: Thanks. I really am sorry. Any chance you’re coming this way in the next few days? I need the truck if you don’t.

Emma: How are you gonna drive it? Not sure how bad you hit your head but you need 2 feet for a manual.

Jake: I’m not, Charlie’s going to.

Emma: Did she get new furniture and not tell me?

Jake: No…it’s a lot to text. I’d rather tell you in person.

Emma: I’ve got a sick heifer to see in the morning but otherwise I’m free. I’ll be there around 11. I think Lee’s got a vet call in the area around 2 so I’ll see if he’ll take me back home so you can keep the truck.

Jake: Sounds good. Love you.

Emma: I’m still mad, but I love you too.

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

Jake’s up before you and has a cup of coffee waiting as you stumble into the kitchen with a yawn.

“Don’t make plans tonight. I’ve got something in mind,” he says, leaning on his good leg before pulling you into his chest.

“Mmkay,” you yawn, snuggling into his chest like you’ve always wanted to with his hugs. “Can’t wait.”

“I told Emma last night, she’s going to come over around 11 so we can talk,” Jake cringes.

“Will she be gone by the time I get back?” You joke, all too familiar with her temper.

“Why? You scared?” He teases.

“Yes. I know you are too,” you laugh.

You let him hold you for a few minutes, both enjoying the intimacy.

“I’d ask you to join me in the shower but that’s an accident waiting to happen,” you smile, pulling away from his chest to press a kiss to his lips.

His eyes fall closed at your words. “Soon enough.”

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

Jake stares at your butt in your scrubs from the porch as you walk to your car. You catch him looking as you open the door and quirk a brow at his sheepish grin.

“Can’t figure out if you’re wearing underwear, I didn’t see any panty lines.”

“You don’t get panty lines if you wear a thong,” you wink as you get in, laughing at the way his eyes widen.

You’re normally a no-show underwear kind of girl, but you felt like wearing something sexy today when Jake said he had plans.

You give him a little wave as you head to work.

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

Jake had just finished his virtual visit with the therapist when Emma pulls up in his grandpa’s old Chevy that he and his dad fixed up together.

Emma gives him a bone-crushing hug before smacking him upside the head.

“Ow,” Jake grumbles, rubbing the spot she hit him.

“You deserve a lot more than that. You’re lucky you’re injured,” Emma says before bending down to greet Cash.

“So why does Charlie need the truck?” Emma asks, throwing Cash’s ball.

“She doesn’t. I’m taking her out tonight. Well, she’s driving but I’m planning it.”

“Taking her out where? Why do you need the truck for that?”

“Ray’s and then up to Breakneck Hill,” he responds, not looking at her.

“Isn’t that where you used take your dates to park?”

“Yep.”

It takes her a minute to catch on, but she jumps to her feet with a whoop when she does.

“Seriously?!” She laughs, “Man, it’s about fucking time.”

He looks at her puzzledly.

“You’ve been in love with each other for years,” she sighs. “That’s a great idea though. I just washed ‘er so the bed is clean. Want me to throw some blankets back there for you?”

“I didn’t think that far, but yeah, that’s a good idea.”

20 minutes later, Emma’s got the back of the truck filled with blankets and pillows, a perfect place to eat and watch the sunset.

“Perfect! Now you have a place to stretch out and bang. Do you need condoms? Wait no, forget them. I’m ready to be an auntie,” Emma says as she steps back to look.

“Uh, no. We haven’t-I mean, we aren’t-“ Jake stutters, flushing bright red.

“I’m kidding, Jesus. Don’t stroke out on me. Got anything for lunch?” Emma laughs, patting Jake on the shoulder, right where he’s bruised.

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

Emma wraps his cast and stays nearby just in case he falls while he showers.

“Lee’s almost here,” Emma says, giving Jake another hug. “Let me know how it goes. And tell Charlie I’m not mad at her, just you.”

Jake rolls his eyes but hugs her back. “Will do. Thanks, Em, love ya.”

“Love you too, don’t forget to forget the condoms!” She replies as she heads out the door.

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

You smile when you see Jake’s old truck in the driveway, wondering what he’s up to.

Jake’s asleep on the couch when you get inside, but he wakes up when you close the door.

“Oh hey, sorry I must’ve fallen asleep after Emma left,” he yawns.

“Let me change and I’ll be ready to go,” you say, pressing a kiss to his cheek and slipping off your top as you walk down the hall.

Jake sgets down the stairs and hobbles along to the driver's side of the truck, awkwardly opening the door for you.

“You want me to drive? I don’t think I’ve driven it since you got too wasted to drive at Clay Williams's graduation party,” you laugh, climbing up.

“Ugh, I can’t even smell Jäegermeister without gagging,” Jake shivers as he closes the door.

You lean over and open the passenger side, taking the crutches he hands over. He surprises you with how easily manages to get in with one leg.

“Where to?” You ask, pushing in the clutch and starting the truck.

“Ray’s,” he answers with a smile.

“Then to Breakneck to fool around?” You guess, wiggling your brows.

He nods. “Only if you want to, we don’t-“

“I want to. I’ve always wanted to,” you reply, leaving out how jealous you’d get when he’d take girls out there.

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

An hour later you’re sharing a chocolate milkshake in the back of the truck. It’s just the two of you in the empty lot.

“I wonder what my mom would think of us being together,” you say as you watch the sunset. The sky is a beautiful canvas of pinks, oranges, and reds.

“I think she’d like it,” he replies.

A flicker of movement catches your eye and you hold your breath when a butterfly lands on the hand that’s holding yours. It rests for just a moment, slowly flapping its orange wings before flying away.

“Me too,” you whisper.

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

“So what’s next? We ate our burgers, shared the milkshake, and watched the sunset. Is it a dry handjob while you rub me through my underwear for 10 seconds then ask if I came?”

“How’d you know?” He teases, leaning in for a kiss.

He kisses you slowly and lazily, committing every sigh to memory. As his tongue flicks yours you can’t help but imagine it elsewhere.

You soon grow impatient and find yourself straddling his lap again.

“Jake, touch me. Please?” You pant.

“‘Course sweetheart. Here?” He asks, pulling the top of your sundress down, exposing your braless chest to him. “Damn, Charlie,” he rasps, looking over your breasts hungrily before sucking a hardened bud into his mouth. His fingers come up to pay attention to the neglected side and he alternates; biting, sucking, and pinching you into a frenzy.

You find his free hand and bring it under your dress, running his fingers over the soaked material of your thong. He shudders when he feels the evidence of what he’s doing to you.

Before his fingers even touch you without the barrier of your underwear, you cry out, your fingers in his hair pull; your orgasm taking you both by surprise.

“Did you cum?” He chuckles breathlessly against your chest as you come down.

“I did,” you smirk, trying to catch your breath too as you climb off him, then unbuttoning his jeans. “Your turn, but I want to get my mouth on you.”

Your eyes widen as you pull him out. “Jesus. Not sure if you’ll fit, but I’m gonna try.”

“That’s not…I didn’t know that was an option-oh fuckkkk,” he gasps when you pull his tip into your mouth.

Your eyes drift closed and you moan at the salty taste of his precum. More you think as you swallow and suck more of him into your mouth, using your hands to stroke his base.

He’s making the hottest, most desperate sounds as his chest heaves. It hasn’t even been a minute before he’s warning you. “Char-Charlie, wait sweetheart. I’m gonna cum,” He pants, gently tugging at your hair to pull you off.

But you shake your head and moan; you want to taste it.

“Oh…oh God,” he whimpers as he finishes in your mouth, jolting when he feels you swallow his spend.

You pull up the top of your dress after you release it from your mouth and gently tuck him back into his jeans. He surprises you when he pulls you up for a deep kiss, groaning when he tastes himself on your tongue.

“You’re…that was…holy shit,” Jake chuckles. “So much better than a dry handjob.”

You laugh before pulling him back in for a kiss.

You’re so wrapped up in each other that you don’t notice the squad car pulling into the lot.

The smug voice of the local police officer over the megaphone has you jumping apart.

“Keep it in your pants ‘til you get home, Seresin. Don’t make me call your mama.”

•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•

A/N: First date ✅

As always, any interaction is appreciated but I love hearing what you think in comments/reblogs.

Tagging:

@mamachasesmayhem

@its-the-pilot

@dizzybee03

@sweetwhispersofchaos

@shanimallina87

@blindedbythelightt

@getmyprettynameoutofyourmouth

@lexixstewart

@phoenix-rising-starbird-one

@mrsrobertfloyd5

@charmedkim

@k-k0129

@bellaireland1981

@hookslove1592

@amiets2

@nero4te

@eli2447

@atarmychick007

@vixenobrian

@86laura11

@hisredheadedgoddess28

@dempy

@angelbabyyy99

@buckysteveloki-me

@djs8891

@mizzzpink

@daggerspare-standingby

[atopvisenyashill]

i hate the “normal jake” take on jacaerys so much, we really think a dude who was raised by fucking rhaenyra, harwin, laenor, AND daemon, who has to be his mother’s perfect heir beyond reproach bc her claim is under threat literally the moment he’s born, then gets a single iota of power and goes on a two week bender in the north, makes a blood pact with a guy he just met, gets shitfaced and shotgun marries a bastard born girl so we got not one but two bastards as claimants to the iron throne, lets some random common born fucks get ahold of some dragons, and STILL does such a good job as heir that he convinces over half the realm to continue supporting him & his clearly emotionally unraveling mother, AND inspires extreme amounts of loyalty in nettles & addam & cregan which is thee only reason anyone in his branch of the family tree is left alive at the end of the dance and we're calling him normal? we're calling him boring??

jace is not "normal lacrosse jake" he's that girl who was cheer captain and nhs president and the lead in the last five school theater productions who got a full ride to college and developed a severe drug addiction, got diagnosed with adhd, depression, ptsd, generalized anxiety disorder, and still pulled off graduating with highest honors before flaming out of her first job and if you dont think that is the most cursed targ shit, its because you're an only child and all only children deserve to be bullied more online!

keep my broken golden child's name OUT YOUR MOUTH!

[bottlecaprabbitgames]

Weight Loss, Dieting, Medical Shit Goin' On

At the request of @meethisharma , I'm making a big post of like. EVERYTHING I've learned so far since truly trying to lose weight and do better since February of this year. I'm of course going to go into my background as to why I need to lose weight and my life as an obese person, different references I've used to help with my weight loss, dietary changes, THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

So uh. Buckle up, it's a LONG post.

(Also, shout out to Jordan Shrinks over on YouTube, I've followed this woman for years and she is still the biggest inspiration and my favorite fucking person who has helped me shape my routine for weight loss.)

Why did I start trying to lose weight?

I have been obese pretty much my whole life. In high school, I weighed 260-270 lbs. Both of my parents struggled with drug addiction, and that meant that we ate a lot of unhealthy, over processed food as it was the cheapest. I also rarely, if ever, drank water growing up; we mostly had soda in the house, and that's what I drank.

Last year, in May of 2022, I weighed 330 lbs. This was after I had already lost an unknown amount of weight, as I put on a LOT working at McD's given the food was free and I was broke most of the time. This was still not enough for me to start losing weight, but I did start packing my own lunches and at least started eating better. In September, I started my first hotel job, and with the better work and pay, I was finally able to afford insurance for 2023 and start going to doctors like I needed to. I've always had a LOT of chronic issues, but none were ever diagnosed as I really didn't go to the doctor much unless it was an absolute dire emergency.

Timeskip to the first week or two of February, 2023, and I finally get in to see a nurse practioner who will lead me to find my current primary care doctor. I weighed 312 lbs, and she was very... well, blatantly, she didn't even give me the time of day LMAO. She didn't even bother to tell me I was pre-diabetic, I had to find that out from looking at my lab results myself.

Week 3 of February, I get in with the guy who's now my primary care doctor. He's also fat, like I am, and he was also far more direct with me about my situation. As it turned out, I was in like stage 3 hypertension (my blood pressure was 150 smth over 140), I was almost 90% deficient in vitamin D (y'know, the shit that makes your bones HARD), my iron saturation in my blood was in single digits (aka severely anemic, borderline needed a blood transfusion), I was well into my way to being a Type-2 Diabetic (my A1C was 5.8, you need to be 6.4 to be diagnosed), AND... my liver was struggling really, really badly. Side note, he's also a mental health professional, and he's the one who originally diagnosed my severe PTSD and got me in with my therapist.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WAS NOT IN THE BEST CONDITION. I was actually well on my way to developing early heart disease, osteoporosis, diabetes, blood clots, like everything I was the MOST afraid of was what I was about to have. Because I wasn't taking care of myself, I was living off of ramen and fast food and processed as shit food all the time, TV dinners... I'd make a meal out of a family-sized bag of chips or a whole roll of crackers and several slices of cheese.

My doctor was very point fucking blank about my outcomes. I could've died if I did nothing. A really horrible way to die, too. He told me that if I wanted to make changes, he'd get me every resource possible he could to help me, but I had to want the changes if they were gonna stick. Keep that in mind, right? YOU have to want the changes needed.

And that's when everything started.

THE GAME PLAN

SO, what did I do to start losing weight? What changes did I make?

Everything. FUCKING everything. My doctor said I needed a low-as-possible sodium diet, so I changed it. I needed to start exercising, so I did. I needed meds and to get into therapy to help deal with my mental health, so I religiously take my meds and I go to therapy as many times as possible each month. He also wanted me to get a daytime job, as my overnights were likely making things worse, and I finally got that done now, too.

A big thing to add here, too: my doctor has not talked to me about BMI. The only thing he has asked me to do is get to 200 lbs. He says so long as I don't drop under 120, he's said it's fine whatever weight I stop on, so long as I get to 200.

But where did I begin? The SIMPLE shit.

I started with ten minute walks. That's it for exercising, I started with TEN MINUTE WALKS. And you know what? It was fucking hard. It still is. It's like pulling teeth sometimes to get me to get up and go take a 30 minute to an hour walk. But don't let these fucking fitness influencers bully you into thinking that if you can't handle pumping iron in the gym for 6 hours straight then you're always gonna be a fat slob or whatever those fuckheads say these days. And, if you don't like walking, if you'd rather lift weights, you can do that too! If you don't want to go to a gym like I don't, order some cheap ones off of Amazon or Walmart. Go cycling or swimming or jumping rope. You don't have to go big and hard into exercise to be healthier. Start small.

Now, diet-wise, I threw myself in it a little too vigorously and I also paid the price of wasting like $50 each payday in shit I didn't eat or still haven't, and I also fucked up my GI tract for a solid month. I was ROUGHING it. Raw-dogged the low sodium diet and it did it back double time, do NOT do what I did. There's gonna be a WHOLE section after this one on dietary shit. Big thing, though? MEAL PLANNING. I don't care if you only meal plan one meal of the day, I only do my damn dinners. Just take time on your day off to batch cook a bunch of shit to be able to eat for one meal throughout the week.

MAKE GOALS. I don't care if the goals you set seem shallow to you or not, make some fucking goals. Keep them on a list you can easily find, especially like on your phone. HELL, keep the list in SEVERAL ways, like a paper on your wall. I have another section planned for like examples and my own goals on down.

EXERCISE

AGAIN, start small. Don't go hog wild and try to do an hour a day at the gym to start; that's gonna burn you out and wear you down before you even get started. Also, you don't need a gym to exercise. If you never wanna step foot in a gym, you NEVER have to.

Start with a five to ten minute walk every other day. You don't like walking? Cool, get some cheap weights (or a kettlebell weight) and lift weights for 5-10 minutes. I just recently got a 5lb kettlebell on Amazon for like $8.55 after tax so I can start doing weighted exercises. (NOTE: don't start with big heavy weights. You'll fuck up your muscles and joints. You'll want to research what weight to start with first.)

I think it wassss two weeks of me walking for ten minutes every other day before I moved to 15 minutes? Now, in May, I can go for an hour at a leisurely pace.

My Routine:

45 minute-hour walk at LEAST 4 days a week.

One day of 30 minute power walking or walking-jogging intervals. I walk along the street I live on, and I do 1/3 of the way jogging, the rest walking.

At LEAST one day using resistance band exercises. Resistance bands are like $10 at Walmart, I recommend using a light one to start WHILE AT YOUR HEAVIEST WEIGHT. Resistance bands work by using your own body weight as the resistance, so it's best to start while you're still at the heaviest.

Hoping to work the kettlebell in on at least three days of the week, doing weighted HIIT exercises (high intensity training).

DIETARY CHANGES

The BIGGEST piece of advice I can give you is to make sustainable changes. The reason diet culture doesn't work is because you can't survive off of diet food for a long period of time, meaning you'll just regain the weight back once you return to a normal diet. Also, carbs are not bad for you. Unless a doctor specifically tells you to lower carb intake, PLEASE do not just suddenly decide to stop eating carbs as you can permanently damage your major internal organs.

Now, I am not on a diet, persay. The changes I've made I plan to keep for the rest of my life. Now, I can only tell you what I do, and not what you should do. I have some formal training in nutrition, and I can give you advice on what not to do, but again, I can mostly tell you what works for me.

NOW THAT THAT'S OUT OF THE WAY, HERE WE GO! I am on a low-sodium diet, meaning I do not add salt to shit. I use Accent, a shit ton of seasoning and spices, and I get my canned food no salt added when I can. I also mainly only eat turkey and chicken (mostly chicken), while beef and pork are like... a treat every once in a while. I also get low sodium canned tuna or like... actually good fish sticks. And, as I live on the Gulf Coast, I get fresh shrimp once or twice a month. I also do NOT add sugar to something unless it's a recipe for like bread to feed the yeast. I get canned fruit in 100% juice, or I get it frozen mostly. If I want to add something to make it sweet, I dump fruit in it. I've also recently been adding like... one packet of splenda ALONG WITH FRUIT to my oatmeal. Tastes p good, do not recommend splenda in coffee. Shit's nasty.

I am also a calorie counter and believer. The easiest way to think of calories is like... energy. One calorie is one unit of energy. I HIGHLY recommend using a couple of calorie calculators to help figure out your daily intake, and I use the My Fitness Pal app to keep track of what I eat, especially as I am prone to boredom eating and binge eating, as I do still struggle with disordered eating. I also keep an eye on my macros (protein, carbs, fats), as well as my cholesterol, sodium, and saturated fat levels.

So, what does Cy do for food? A lot but also... not very much, lol. I am a convenience bitch. I ain't here to cook several times a day and shit, I ain't got time for it. I be makin' shit as easy as possible.

I do often drink protein shakes before or after I walk or have an intense workout. You don't have to, just keep in mind you DO need high protein intake before or after working out, to help your muscles repair themselves. I get the cheap af Purely Inspired brand at Walmart, mix it with frozen fruit and milk in my blender.

PLEASE, GOD, DRINK WATER! Drink plenty of frickin water. Your body has to be hydrated and the more water you drink, the less water your body retains as extra. A bit weird, I know, but take it from me as I carry about 10-12 lbs of water weight a day, and it was a LOT more when I wasn't hydrating properly.

I meal prep one meal a week. It's dinner now, so I take a day I'm off, make a big batch of smth, and separate it into like 5-7 containers, freezing some and fridgerating the others. I post recipes and total costs over on @cylentlycrafting , and I get those cheap ass Mainstays meal prep containers. It's like $5 for 5 of em, and I have like... 3-4 sets.

The main meat I eat now is chicken, as it has the highest amount of protein across all meats. I also pretty much exclusively eat whole grain foods (brown rice, whole wheat bread, whole wheat or brown rice or quinoa pasta), and I keep instant brown rice and instant oats on hand. Listen, I'm an impatient ass mfer, I don't have 45 mins to cook some goddamn rice.

I also luv eggies. And cheese. And dairy. Though I typically get reduced fat dairy products, except milk. Reduced fat sour cream, reduced fat cheese, sometimes reduced fat yogurt, but I take any yogurt I can get my hands on.

I use a LOT of canned beans, peas, chickpeas, and tomatoes. I also get frozen broccoli, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, red potatoes, and carrots as far as veggies go. I also often get chopped romaine lettuce, carrot chips, grape tomatoes, and onions. That is the beginning and the end to the veggies I eat, and best be fucking sure I put red kidney beans and chickpeas in everything almost it. Broccoli, too. Tomatoes.

Fruit wise, I have a LOT of fruit cups and canned fruit in 100% fruit juice, frozen fruit, and I also have a thing for clementines lately. Been eating tf out of them.

Snackies wise, I usually get that big box of baked chips from Lays. Peanut butter and graham crackers. Dark chocolate. Power Crunch protein bars because PROTEIN BARS DON'T HAVE TO BE DISGUSTING!!!!!

I pretty much exclusively use olive oil, but canola oil is also pretty damn good if you're on a budget! Just avoid regular butter, that shit's got so much calories and fat in it.....

Listen, you don't have to go broke buying shit. I tend to allot more money to food than most people because I have a LOT of food issues, and because I commit hard to shit. I have olive oil mayo and butter replacements, I keep low sugar and low sodium ketchup, and I buy expensive ass Lucini tomato sauce. You don't have to. Like I also buy tater tots and off-brand coco puffs and mini wheats.

I have experimented with a LOT of brands in the past few months, which I will probably make another post about eventually? Maybe? Also more budget-friendly shopping hacks and shit given I be trying to save as much money as possible.

GOALS

Listen, like every big project, you need goals. Getting your body healthy is a big project, and you should make goals. Goals on why you want to get healthy, goals on why to keep going even when shit gets hard. I don't care if it's the most vain shit ever, if it's a goal it's a fucking goal.

Here are some of mine:

More clothing options. If I lose more weight, I will be able to fit into smaller sizes and have more choices on what to wear.

SELF CONFIDENCE

Feeling less embarrassed when eating out somewhere.

HEALTH. A large part of me always feeling shitty is my diet and lack of proper vitamins and nutrients.

Prediabetes. I don't want to be like my mom and papaw and have to poke myself multiple times a day nor be reliant on insulin.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The main things I can impress upon y'all:

Build sustainable habits. If you don't think you'd be able to do it for the rest of your life, maybe rethink the habit before it becomes too set in stone.

You're gonna fall off the horse sometimes. You're gonna cheat, you're gonna make slip ups. And that's okay. Don't feel guilty, don't overrestrict or punish yourself for it. You're human, and you're trying, and that's okay. You can only do as much as you're able to right here and right now.

It's a hard and long road. Getting healthy and fit isn't going to be a breeze in the park. This shit is hard, especially if you're building new habits from scratch. But you got this. YOU CAN DO IT.

You HAVE to want this for yourself. No one else can want it for you. It has to be on you and you alone.

You're gonna find people wanting to sabotage you, as horrible as it sounds. Sometimes people feel threatened when others attempt to better themselves, because that person or those persons know they wouldn't put the time or energy into doing so themselves. And, unfortunately, some of those people are your close friends and family :/

TRY NEW THINGS. FAIL AND KEEP GOING. I have tried so much shit in the last few months, and some has stuck, some has not. I have learned I do not like a lot of vegetables, and that's okay. I also make taco salad (from 'scratch') at least two to three times a month. What works, works!

You are going to bloat A LOT when you start amping up workouts. Your body holds extra water and nutrients for up to FOUR WEEKS after you start exercising or start a new exercise routine/build up on your existing one. This is to repair your muscles and joints as they grow.

Scales like to lie, and they won't tell you how much water weight you're holding. And yes, you will be able to tell you're bloated. I never knew of bloating until now and sometimes shit fits weird when I'm majorly bloated. It SUCKS

Measure yourself. Your stomach, chest, waist, hips. All of it. Keep it. It'll be amazing to see how much you've changed eventually.

I actually would LOVE to keep making posts like this. But, here's my current progress:

I am a little under 270 lbs, unsure of how much as I am starting and trying new exercises, as well as my new job being HELLA more active than my old one.

I do have more processed stuff in my diet, but i do try to balance it with healthier food, too. Budgeting is.... hard.

My blood pressure tends to run 110/70 now.

I hope this helps someone out there.

My heart rate has gone down from 100+ bpm, to now it's at 60-75 bpm.

I also drink diet soda now, usually one a day.

[clunelover]

In the past couple weeks I've gone from "I guess I have some autistic traits but there's so much overlap with ADHD and PTSD etc, it doesn't really matter" to "I'm convinced I have autism, and that my mom and sister (the one who was also born of mom) do too, and it explains so much!!!"

A few pieces just clicked into place all of a sudden. Seeing more ways in which I am similar to my autistic son. And reading some comment on r/raisedbynarcissists saying "undiagnosed autism and ADHD can turn into personality disorders later" and being like "that can't be true and makes no sense" - but then I ran it by BFF and she said "it's a good theory - a major factor in developing a personality disorder is having your needs unmet as a child, and that's something that commonly happens to undiagnosed/misunderstood neurodiverse kids."

I started thinking about how my personality-disordered mom (and all her siblings) were FOR SURE neglected as kids (always good to be ambivalent towards children and then have seven of them! Go Catholicism). My mom's stories about herself as a kid always cast her as a weird outcast loner (some of which was exacerbated by her mom's rules - like, her mom couldn't be washing laundry for 9 people changing clothes every day, so my mom and her siblings had school clothes and play clothes, and it was expected that, barring some major stain, they'd wear one set of school clothes for a whole week - but other kids will notice and tease you if you seem to always wear the same clothes!!). She had one particular story, about these imaginary creatures that she invented, and felt like she could see them and commune with them. They were called Beesies, and she would have to crouch down to be able to talk to them, and her parents were unkind about seeing her crouching and talking nonsense to things that weren't there. So, I think that speaks powerfully to both the neglect/loneliness, and perhaps the vivid fantasy life of an autistic person.

When I was in my 20s, my mom got diagnosed with ADD, and at the time I was very dismissive. I thought she had just scammed her way into a diagnosis so she could get adderall and use/abuse it for its appetite suppressant effects. But now I'm like, "no, she was thrilled about that side effect, but I think she did actually have ADD...and quite possibly autism, and actually I think I have both of those too."

Then last piece of this (sister piece) came into focus on 4th of July. I told my sister BYOB cause I'm off booze hopefully for good. She sent an oddly formal reply - something like "I know it's generally considered poor form and overly personal to ask someone why they're not drinking, but can I ask you anyway?" I thought, "okay, what in the rigidly-defined-communication-rules hell?!" I just said "hey you're my sister, you can ask stuff like that!" and then explained why. (Oh and there's a whole other post I could write about all three of us probably using alcohol to cope/mask symptoms...BUT ANYWAY). So then, during 4th of July, my stepdad/her dad tells this story about her as a kid, at one of her birthday parties, where he had set up pin the tail on the donkey for the kids to play, and my sister apparently just DID NOT get it - "why would I wear a blindfold to try to find out where to put the tail? I already know where to put the tail." And then people were trying to explain it to her - "see, it's funny, cause when you can't see, you put the tail somewhere else"...etc. And apparently she said, "why would it be funny to be wrong?" I either hadn't been at this party or didn't remember it, so hearing that was a real eureka moment - OH MY GOD, we're all fucking autistic!!

Oh also, she was a very serious baby who appeared to be puzzled or frowning often, and didn't really laugh, and we all just thought this was funny at the time...omg, more signs!

So anyway, this is totally recasting my thought about my sister's lack of emotional expansiveness, and how I am always getting my feelings hurt by it! We are possibly both autistic people, each with marked, but different and sometimes even conflicting, communication difficulties. No wonder there are so many misunderstandings and unsatisfied expectations, etc.

IDK I have so many more thoughts and memories I'm recontextualizing, I could go on, but in any case I'm very eager for my therapist to return from vacation in a couple weeks so we can discuss!!

[altruisticenigma]

My doctor two appointments ago hinted I possibly could have ADHD. At my most recent appointment, she suspected strongly that I have ADHD. Now I've been thinking about it nonstop, thinking back to what I thought was innocent/small details that were probably symptoms all along, and it's been on my mind ever since.

I'm 27, and what the fuck- I might have ADHD on top of the host of other mental illnesses I have???

Warning, this is a long one- but as a 27 year old coming to terms with a possible new mental illness I think that's more than acceptable, lol. TW: Mentions of CPTSD/PTSD, depression, anxiety, ADHD and all related symptoms, and mentions of medication.

This began because I needed to be put back on some sort of medication. I was suffering from pretty bad anxiety; it was difficult to function because I would worry constantly about everything big and small. I have CPTSD/PTSD and it was getting in the way of life- I catastrophize & have hypervigilance; I cope by trying to control situations best I can. It's hard to let go of control. What got me in the office was that for the last 6 months, it's been extremely difficult to get out of bed and go to work. It was like I was hitting this invisible wall and I didn't know why. Nearly ever week I'd call out because I felt overwhelmed.

Wellbutrin helped subside a lot of the emotional aspects. A majority of my panic & fear subsided, but some symptoms still lingered. For one, a way that I coped with my anxiety was to constantly assign myself daily tasks: if I could get something done I'd feel better from the serotonin it fed me. I also felt restless if I wasn't doing something productive. I still couldn't sit down and relax; something that other people could do that I couldn't and I didn't know why. The other was that I still had bouts of insomnia; every few weeks like clockwork I'd wake up around 1-3 AM and it'd be hard to go back to sleep. Just last night I woke up at 3AM, hypervigilant as Hell out of nowhere. Most nights I am just very hungry and sit up for a bit before going back to sleep.

While I was mostly more functional and could now go to work with little to no problem, I still was having issues with being calm.

We tried putting me back on Lexapro. Historically it had worked. Instead it made my anxiety worse; it felt like I was back to square 1. Wellbutrin was the only thing that worked, which is a mood stabilizer. At this point I had gone through 3-5 SSRIs/SNRIs and they weren't helping, only the mood stabilizer.

I explained how my anxiety manifests to my PCP. I have the restlessness/need for control through tasks, as well as insomnia, but also the hypervigilance as well as the catastrophizing. I explained to her that I always thought that my fiancé was going to die behind the wheel no matter what they were doing in the car- every single time. I explained that when doing my job, I always anticipated someone yelling at me. These fears had subsided significantly with Wellbutrin, but they were still there nonetheless lingering in the background.

So my main issues were the hypervigilance & catastrophizing, feeling restless/needing control and the issues with sleep.

It was then she made a observation: it was possible I may have ADHD and the things I was doing were a unconscious coping mechanism. For one, I kept failing SSRI/SNRIs. Although it's a given I have a genetic disposition to bipolar in my gene pool (hence why they keep failing), I don't present any active symptoms at the time. According to her they should work to a degree, not adversely. Second, I have a strong genetic disposition to ADHD: we strongly suspect my mom has it, she just isn't formally diagnosed, but my brother is definitely diagnosed and has struggled with it most his life.

Her primary observation was the third: my restless symptoms are presenting as more of the "HD" problem in ADHD: too much energy with nowhere to go. I overwork myself by assigning tasks and overachieving to cope with the energy I have on hand. By doing extra tasks and chores, on one hand it may be a "need for control" aspect but the other may be restlessness I am trying to cope with. She noted that I have the "focus" part down- I'm very organized and able to stay on task, but I struggle with the energy. She noted that with "feminized" brains (lol, I laughed a bit inside when she said this- I'm non-binary but I get what she was saying) it tends to get misdiagnosed or overlooked due to anxiety: girls tend to present very differently than boys with ADHD. TL;DR she was saying sexism was why girls were disproportionally diagnosed to boys, especially at a young age.

This absolutely blew my mind, as you could see.

Ever since I was young I had no problems in school. Overachiever, good grades, laser-beam focused in school. Homework was not a problem. I liked routine, and I liked sticking to it. While my brother really struggled with remembering tasks and keeping to a schedule, I excelled in it.

When I developed PTSD in college I did begin to struggle a lot with focus. It would come and go because my brain was so chaotic; there was constant chatter in there. During the early stages of PTSD I would completely lose focus if I was really stressed out and needed accommodations in school. PTSD made me feel like my brain had been scrambled and I could no longer control it. Despite this I recall in college I had no problem focusing on assignments for hours: I once had a lab to do and I didn't take a break for 4 hours. I used to commend myself on my strong work ethic; this was normal for me from middle school and beyond... But now looking back with a fresh perspective, I realize this could have been ADHD working strangely in my favor.

I have also been organized to a insane degree my entire life, too. Increasingly more in high school, college and beyond. Nowadays I try to remember to do menial tasks by writing in a planner: they may seem unimportant to someone else, but to my brain it's imperative I remember and put it somewhere else on paper so I don't keep dwelling on it/needing to repeat the thought so I remember it, or have it float in my brain. I consider my home tasks so much more important than my work tasks; why, I don't know.

I've also been noticing minor but important details that could've alluded to ADHD but were overshadowed by more pressing mental health issues such as my depression, anxiety and CPTSD/PTSD. With Wellbutrin in my system it's been getting fairly easy to notice small details that I would've waved off in the past, but now with this new perspective and medication are very significant:

I never noticed how chaotic and disorganized my mind-chatter was until I was on Wellbutrin. The moment I started taking Wellbutrin my mind became very calm and quiet, so quiet it surprised me. I also never noticed how slightly incoherent, disorganized and rapid my speech was until I was on Wellbutrin, either. While on this medication, I have found I can form much more organized thoughts and speak slower and clearer. Whether that's panic or ADHD, I have no clue.

At least once a day I will be in the middle of saying/doing something and completely forget what I'm doing. I try to retrace my steps or my conversation to remember, only to have it gone entirely. It'll come back eventually, I just can't get it back in the moment.

According to my fiance, I tend to go down "rabbit holes" in the middle of our conversations (I haven't noticed this at all). I'll be on one topic, divulge into another possibly related topic and come back to where we were. I never thought it was important as at least I come back to the topic on hand. Sometimes I have caught myself completely forgetting what I was talking about.

The whole reason I started Wellbutrin is because I realized that I couldn't "bootstraps" my way out of whatever was happening to me: I realized I had a hard time getting out of bed for work. I attributed it to depression. While Wellbutrin significantly helps with this, in the past week or so I've been hitting this wall again where I don't want to go into work. It's like the task itself is difficult. I see it as a big, huge task that I don't want to bother with, even though realistically I realize that what I do for a living isn't the most difficult job. I thought it was depression, but it might be executive dysfunction.

I have hyperfixations: I will hyperfixate on something that I absolutely get lost in the sauce about for a month or two, and once I drop it I get sad/absolutely bored out of my mind until I find something new. I remember thinking during hyperfixations that I hope that I don't lose this passion because I don't want to be without this feeling of absolute pure joy and passion. Right now I'm very into FFXIV and building my character and their world.

I deleted social media like TikTok, YouTube and other streaming platforms off of my phone because I will scroll for hours and get stuck. I can't move. It's like I'm hypnotized and focused hard on whatever I'm watching. TikTok I deleted mostly because it made me Severely Mentally Ill, but also because I found myself stuck on it for 2-3 hours at a time and unable to take a break. I ended up doing the same thing on YouTube shorts, so I also had to delete that, too.

I vocally stim. A lot. Especially at home where it's safe and only when I feel safe/happy. But I just attribute that to being neurodivergent in general, lol.

I never thought I could've had ADHD because unfortunately I always had the stereotypical picture of ADHD in my head: someone who couldn't focus at all, who struggled with time-management, and someone who got distracted easily. A lot of the focus-related issues. That's what my brother struggled with, so I didn't think twice about me having it. My best friend also had similar symptoms so I had no clue it could present differently among people. As someone who never had struggled with focus, or at least to what I could've noticed consciously, I didn't conceive that I could have ADHD: I thought it was just about struggling with being attentive. Never did I realize I could have a restless/energy issue but be fine in the focus category.

The only way to know for certain what's going on is to see a neuropsychiatrist, which my doctor referred me to. As ADHD is very closely related to all of my already-diagnosed illnesses I know that it is possible it could be just PTSD scrambling my brain or anxiety making things difficult again. It has just been super heavy on my mind how this could be possibly ADHD and I had NO idea, nor did I ever suspect myself of possibly having ADHD once in my life.

Just goes to show you mental health is a fucking doozy of a thing.

[empty-weirdo]

Once again, I’m back here, this time it’s to vent. I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and after that PTSD came also along. Although I knew deep down that that would happen at some point, it was still hard to take in, like now it’s real. Now I have on paper not only that my health in general is fucked (I already had at that point heart problems and low blood sugar which caused often fainting and injuries, etc.), now I officially have it black on white that I’m mentally fucked as well. The psychiatrist gave me meds, but they are still not working after 2 weeks, I know that it takes some time, but still. Also I got something for sleeping because for the first time in my life I’m waking up sweating, not being able to go back to sleep. No matter what was happening in my life it never actually impacted my sleep, and now well I think to myself “Nice job, you’re 27 and it’s only getting worse. What’s next?”.

My health problems are all related to stress, which is a huge part of my life for a long period. Regarding my heart problems, they habe to insert an implant for heart monitoring. And that has yet to happen, because before that I have to finish physical therapy (I broke my arm when I fainted last time). I’m not able to work, I’m mostly going to the doctors and being home alone, which has not a good impact on my mental health.

So it’s all a vicious circle I cannot escape.

[changbinslovelylegs]

It gets worse before it gets better - Wooyoung part 3

Pairing: no specific pairing right now

WC: will always be between 2k-4k words

Warnings: Language, talk of past trauma, mention of death and death related things, panic attack/ptsd episode

Preview, description, characters here

The incident is finally revealed...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 weeks prior

"There is no way I'm signing up for that!" Wooyoung gaged at the thought, actually putting a finger in his mouth.

"Why not? it won't kill you" Hyunjin exclaimed as if hadn't just asked Wooyoung to sign up for grindr.

GRINDR FOR FUCKS SAKE.

"I don't want my phone "dinging" me dick pics all day or weird Alphas messaging me because they have a thing for smaller Omegas" Wooyoung groaned and smashed his head into his pillow again. Wooyoung had always been on the smaller side, and it usually never bothered him, it only did when alphas made jokes about his size or they had a weird fetish for it and tried coming onto him.

It had been way too long since Wooyoung had been with someone, so he had asked Hyunjin and Yoongi over for some advice, Felix joined as well since he was his roommate but he was also trying to tidy the living room.

The last person Wooyoung was with, was before the incident and that was over 5 months ago. Yes it still plagued his mind and gave him nightmares and actually medically diagnosed ptsd, but he thought he was now ready to try to see other people.

"I don't get sent them all day..." Hyunjin tried to defend himself, but in the end he knew it was pointless. He was often sent dick pics by randos without permission. He was also sent weird messages from weird Alphas and Hyunjin wasn't even small!

"Jinnie don't force him" Felix butted in, while picking up empty coke cans from the coffee table.

"I am not forcing him!"

"Why does it have to be online?" Yoongi mused, and he smiled when Wooyoung perked his head up. "Let's go out this weekend and you can just try to meet someone there? Can't be that hard!"

"says the one with the most muscle" Hyunjin stated annoyingly. It was well known that Yoongi was a gym junkie, often finding himself there for releasing stress or his 4 times a week weekly workout.

"That's actually a good idea!" Felix agreed, pinching Hyunjin's arm and grinning when he whines.

"I'll message the group chat"

Beautiful sluts bunch

Hyunjin: Were going out this weekend and we have a mission: get Wooyoung laid!

Yoongi: Ok chill

Wooyoung: Maybe not laid, but I would like to meet someone

Seungmin: But if you got laid you wouldn't be complaining

Wooyoung: ...

Jimin: Aw yas go get that D

Hyunjin: Thats what I said earlier!

Jisung: You'll know I'll be there

Jimin: Ditto, been craving a night out all week

Seungmin: Fuck it, i'm in

Felix: Taehyung?

Taehyung: Sorry guys I started pre-heat today I think ima sit this one out. My insides feel like their at war!

Felix: Aw baby that sucks, do you have a partner for it?

Taehyung: HA I wish, it's just me and my many dildos

Wooyoung: Awwwww sad

Jimin: Honestly R.I.P for those dildos

Jisung: ahahah

Taehyung: Fuck you sung, u try being an omega for one day I promise you'll take that laugh back!

Hyunjin: Seonghwa?

Jimin: You better be coming bitch

Jisung: It won't be the same

Felix: It's going to be so fun

Wooyoung: Please Hyungie?

Seonghwa: Fuck me FINE, but only because Woo asked nicely

The weekend could not have come soon enough, everyone was stressed with their last week of finals that a night out was defiantly needed to celebrate.

No one even spoke in the group chat for a whole week because they were all too bust studying, which by the end of that week freaked everyone out.

By the time Saturday rolled around, the whole group just couldn't wait any longer, they needed this.

"I don't think I can do this" Wooyoung had somehow managed to work himself up, considering this wasn't going to be a regular night out.

"Hey it's going to be ok, you don't have to meet someone" Felix tried his best to console, while he was putting the finishing touches on his makeup.

"But what if they don't understand my ptsd and think I'm weird for being weak and-"

"Shhhhh" Felix put down his brush before walking over to Wooyoung and pressing a light yet lingering kiss on his lips. "Don't forget to breathe, and just have fun don't pressure yourself to meet someone. Like if you do that's great but if you don't then that's ok too yeah?"

"Yeah your right, I'm just a little anxious" Wooyoung admitted with a frown.

"It's ok to be anxious, and besides, if you don't wanna mention you have ptsd then you don't have to. I don't go around telling people about my omega business how I smell too much or I leak like a fucking faucet do I?"

"No you don't, but fuck you and your weird wisdom"

"YA! you brat!"

The club was banging right when they got inside, loud music filling the room. Most of the group headed straight for the bar to get drinks whereas Jisung and Seungmin were dying for a piss so they said they would meet everyone on the dance floor.

"Lets do shots!" Jimin tried his best to shout over the music.

"Not that wet pussy shit again" Yoongi whined, remembering how those shots didn't agree with him last time.

"Nah lets just get tequila ones, they get you drunk faster"

"You know I'm down to get drunk" Hyunjin chimed in, but then asked who's paying for them.

"I'll get this round, we can take turns" Jimin orders the shots while the others just wait.

Out of the corner of Wooyoung's eye, he spotted a man dancing with a few friends, a mixed drink in one hand. He was the most beautiful man that Wooyoung had ever seen.

It seemed as if the man noticed too because he was motioning for Woo to come over, he was too much in a trance until Felix nudged him and said "he's cute you should say hi" but not before he took that shot.

Wooyoung walked up to the man and was greeted with a smile. He happily returned one back as the man leaned in.

"Hi, I'm San, you're really cute" he yelled, considering the music was so loud.

"I'm Wooyoung, and thank you" he replied, a small blush appearing on his face.

"Do you come here often?" San started to dance again, Wooyoung joined him.

"Sometimes, depends on what happens in the group chat. What about you?"

"Yeah I come often, one of my friends brothers is the bouncer so we get in for free" San pointed out his friends, 4 of them dancing in a group.

"Thats Hongjoong with the red hair, his brother is the bouncer. That's Yeosang, Minho, Changbin, and HEY WHERES CHAN?"

"GETTING DRINKS, HE SAID HIS FRIEND JISUNG IS HERE AND WANTED TO SAY HI" Changbin yelled back. Just as the song ended and another one started, one of those ones that like to use gun shots as instruments, and his face drained of colour.

"Sungie? He's in my friend group, wait, you're from Jongsung aren't you?" Wooyoung suddenly felt scared, his bones going all cold. If he was from Jongsung then he may have been friends with them and known about the incident before it happened. People from Jongsung could not be trusted. Plus gun shots were another huge trigger for him and just Wooyoung's luck there playing a song with many of them!

"Yeah, does that matter?" San asked, all he wanted was to dance with a cute guy maybe get a blowie in the bathroom but he wasn't so sure anymore. "Hey are you ok?"

Wooyoung couldn't breathe, ever since the incident he and Felix made a pact to never interact with anyone from Jongsung again. He knew it was a little harsh, but he thought he was keeping himself safe. The gunshots just kept getting louder even though the song was over, he just wanted all the noise to stop, his put his hands over his ears.

There was a ringing in his ears, the music becoming too much. San kept asking if he was ok but Wooyoung couldn't hear him. Chan walked over and asked San what was wrong.

"You know Jisung, Wooyoung knows Jisung, do you possibly know who's the closest too Wooyoung?" San ranted, trying his best to help but also not really knowing how.

"Lemme ask Sungie" Chan ran away, and a few moments Later Felix came rushing over.

"YOUNGIE" Felix rushed Wooyoung to the bathroom not even caring to thank San as he was too concerned with his friend.

"Hey Youngie, hey..." Wooyoung didn't even notice he was crying until the ringing stopped and the music got quieter, Felix brought him into his arms making sure to place his ear over his heart.

"Can you hear my heartbeat baby?" Felix knew that his own heartbeat always calmed Wooyoung down, but he wasn't sure it could be heard over the music.

"Lixie" Woo managed to croak despite hie tears.

"Just listen to my heartbeat, I've got you baby"

"I'm so sorry, I was just so scared-"

"Shh, theres no need to apologise, Let's take some deep breaths together hmm?"

Felix slowly rocked them back and forth, taking over exaggerated breaths that he hoped Wooyoung would follow.

They stayed like that for a little while until Wooyoung detached himself and asked for a tissue.

"Will toilet paper suffice? I don't think they have tissues here" Which made Wooyoung laugh, because of course they don't have tissues here.

"I really want some ice-cream, can we go somewhere and get some ice-cream?" Wooyoung asked after he cleaned himself up, all he wanted to do was leave this club but he wasn't tired either.

They found the others who were all worried for their friend yet knew Felix had it under control, they asked him if he was ok to which he replied yes, he was feeling better now. Then Felix explained that he was going to take Wooyoung home because he no longer wanted to be in the place he last had an attack. Everyone else offered to leave as well but Wooyoung said it was fine he didn't want to ruin everyone's night.

Once they arrived at the ice-cream parlour (Wooyoung getting cookies and cream with smashed oreos on top and Felix getting double fudge brownie as they always did) Wooyoung sighed, slumping into their favourite corner booth.

"So what happened back at the club? I thought you and that guy were getting along?" Felix was concerned for his friend, as any friend would be after seeing a friend go through that.

"I don't even fully know! That guy- sorry San said he was from Jongsung and they had this song on with gunshots and I just got so scared I thought I was back on that field I just wanted all the noise to stop!" Wooyoung explained, trying to stay as calm as possible but his hands were shaking a little.

"You just gotta remember that San wasn't one of them so he can't be that bad, honestly it was Jisung who made me realise that" Felix explained, trying to shed a little light.

"How so?"

"When Chan and I met I was completely against it because he was from Jongsung. I liked him until I found out then I wanted nothing to do with him. I got annoyed at Sungie for letting him attend a Yeontan party but then he explained to me that the incident wasn't organised by the whole Jongsung student body, it was just unfortunate that the incident took place on school grounds. I do also think he was trying to defend his friend though cause I found out that he and Chan went to high school together."

"Oh..." Wooyoung had never thought of it that way before.

"I'm not trying to diminish your feelings or anything it just made me ask myself why was I mad at Chan? and now we're really close."

"Hmm, ok then, do you think I should give San another chance?"

"Only if you want to, but he didn't seem like a bad guy so I say go for it!"

Felix's phoned dinged, so he put down his ice-cream to check who it was from, relaxing when it was only Leedo confirming their appointment for tomorrow.

"All good?" Wooyoung asked mid chew.

"Ahaha yeah just Leedo confirming our appointment for tomorrow, my monthly visit n all" Felix went back to eating, because he didn't want it to melt.

"It sucks you have to go through that, I couldn't imagine what your always going through"

"Yeah it does suck sometimes cause I have to wear a pad everyday it's just one of my cons I guess"

"Yeah I feel you, like when I found out that my heats were more painful because I'm on the smaller side. Sucks to be an Omega am I right"

"Fucking oath, let's be real Beta's have it GOOD" which made the both of them burst out laughing.

When the next morning came Wooyoung awoke to 2 surprises.

Number one being because he left the club early and hardly had anything to drink for once in his life he actually woke up hangover free, and that made him so happy.

Number two being a message from the one and only San! Wooyoung had decided to give San another chance and was going to ask somewhere for his number but it seems that San had beat him to it.

Unknown: Hi, it's San, I got your number from Jisung I hope you don't mind. I just wanted to check in and see how your doing?"

Wooyoung saved his contact before replying.

Wooyoung: No it's fine, and I'm also fine thank you for asking though it was cute

San: are you sure? you seemed pretty out of it and afraid?

Wooyoung: I'm sure I'm ok, I actually suffer from PTSD and I had an episode, gunshots are a huge trigger for me

San: Oh I'm so sorry

Wooyoung: It's ok, you didn't know

San: May I ask how you got PTSD? only if your ok with it ofc

Wooyoung: You don't know? everybody knows!

San: But I didn't even know you had PTSD so how would I know what it's from?

Wooyoung: When I tell people I have it they instantly put 2 n 2 together, because of what happened last year.

San: What happened last year?

Wooyoung: Oh please tell me your joking, otherwise this is some sick joke and in that case you can just fuck off

San: I promise I'm not joking

Wooyoung: Whatever

San: No I'm serious! I'm a transfer all the way from Namhae I only started at Jongsung a month ago!

Wooyoung: Oh so you really don't know? fuck I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions-

San: It's fine baby just tell me so that I can know

Baby, Wooyoung most certainly blushed at that, and he even heart reacted.

Wooyoung: Ok, I don't usually like to re-live it so please bare with me

San: ofc Baby just take your time

Wooyoung: There was this guy named Jongho who last year was apart of my friend group and we all really thought he was a great guy, he was a great guy! he made youtube videos and really wanted to someday star in a k-drama. He was also openly gay which I'm fine with cause I'm also gay anyway he went on a date with this jongsung guy. He seemed nice in the beginning I'm guessing thats why Jongho said yes to the date, Jongho had apparently asked to go home but the guy refused to take him home and took him to the jongsung football field instead. I knew about this because Jongho asked me to follow him and come pick him up, because he felt scared. I was too late though because when I arrived I saw 2 men, one was restraining Jongho and the other shot him in the chest just because he was gay! I screamed and those men ran away, I held a bleeding Jongho in my arms crying and screaming until help came but they were also too late because he was already dead.

San: Oh no...

San: Shit, I'm so sorry. Jongho sounded like a really nice guy he didn't deserve that

Wooyoung: no one does! it just sucks Jongho was chosen because he was kinda known on youtube. and now I have PTSD because of it

San: I don't know what to say

Wooyoung: No please it's ok, I was actually planning on messaging you first because I wanted to know if your free for coffee sometime?

San: Oh thats sweet, I'm free today after 2 if you wanna meet?

The next 2 weeks were the loveliest weeks of Wooyoung's life, he and San grew a lot closer almost hanging out everyday or at least stealing a few moments to kiss. He was the perfect man in Wooyoung's eyes.

They never wanted to be apart, and lucky for them they never really had to except for when San started his rut and Wooyoung wasn't ready for sex yet.

"Wooyoung you ready? Felix yelled from down the hall, they had a lunch planned with both Seonghwa and Hyunjin.

"YA! calm your tits I'm coming, just grabbing a jacket cause it's cold!" Wooyoung walked back to the front door, grinning with his choice of jacket.

"Ooh is it Sannies?"

"Yeah, I just love smelling his scent on me"

"I bet you love smelling a whole lot more than just scent"

"YA! we haven't even slept together, he was in rut last week and I just wasn't ready for that yet" Felix just laughed and ruffled Wooyoung's hair, ushering him along.

Once they were seated, and after they had ordered what they wanted, they saw Seonghwa and Hyunjin walk inside.

"Hey! over here" Felix called them over, because the cafe was packed.

"Geez, how did you two find a park? We had to park across the road at the total tools!" Seonghwa sat down with a sigh, opening his menu and looking through it, "What did you guys get?" he added.

"I got a chai laté and an avocado smash with a hash brown, Felix got an americano and just the eggs on toast with bacon and roast tomatoes" Wooyoung explained, sipping on his chai laté fondly.

"Ohh the smashed avo does look good" Hyunjin exclaimed, calling a waiter over so they could order.

"So, how are things with San?" Seonghwa asked, just as his drink came.

"He is so lovely, and such a gentlemen, he just makes me so happy!" Wooyoung smiled.

"Well I guess that went well then" Hyunjin claimed, a grin plastered on his face.

"What went well?" Wooyoung asked, confused.

"Didn't Yoongi tell you?"

"No..."

"Oh fuck me, Yoongi said he was gonna tell you.. look don't get mad ok?" Hyunjin was slightly panicking, both Seonghwa and Felix were looking at him almost frightened.

"After you said you wanted to meet someone, Yoongi and I got lunch and then we started talking, he said his friend Yunho the one who sells weed also sells to this guy San and apparently San told him once that he felt lonely and he wanted to meet someone that's what Yunho told Yoongi and then Yoongi was talking to Jisung about it, not the whole thing Sungie doesn't know just like have you ever heard of a guy named San? and Sungie goes oh yeah he's friends with Chan and when Yoongi told me about it he asked Sungie for his number and kinda set you two up, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea but he said he would tell you about it, obviously he didn't judging by your face." Hyunjin hung his head low, too afraid to see Wooyoung's reactions.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Wooyoung spat, standing up.

"Babe sit down-" Felix tried to pull on his arm but Wooyoung pushed it away.

"WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!"

"Youngie, people are staring, just take a breath" Seonghwa tried to avoid being kicked out, it wouldn't look good for them.

"I know fuck I know, I told him not to" Hyunjin defended, but it was no use.

Wooyoung took a few breaths, because Seonghwa was right. Once he was calm he sat back down.

"I never wanted to be set up, this isn't what I wanted..." Wooyoung started to cry a little, feeling so betrayed. Felix cooed at him and brought him into his arms, shushing him gently.

[the-delta-quadrant]

ok, so what the actual fuck?

so at this point i'm very certain i have cptsd, and for a bit over 2 years i've been desperately looking for therapy on the nhs due to lots of struggles. i got a bpd diagnosis from the community mental health team in the process but they discharged me without actually giving me any therapy. so all i had left was those 6 session iapt talking therapy bullshit things. i was rejected from some services after mentioning i was diagnosed with bpd, saying it's too severe for them to deal with, so i was stuck with nothing as the cmht wouldn't have me back either. blablabla, i got an autism and adhd diagnosis too and was actually advised to not tell the iapt people about my bpd diagnosis (you know a service is fucked when you have to lie). i actually did one of those 6 sessions things and of course it did fuck all because my problem is way too big and they weren't autism friendly like at all.

anyway, fast forward to may, for a few months i've known that all my problems are most likely cptsd. my partner and i will be moving soon so i thought i'll try the iapt services one last time (there are multiple to choose from) and i'll just be upfront about anything. if they reject me they reject me, but if they say they can help, why not fucking try.

so in may i referred myself to a service called vita minds via online referral form. i explicitly stated that this was about cptsd. i also told them i'm autistic and adhd. i had to fill out some questionnaires for anxiety, depression and ptsd. nowhere in the referral form did i get anything telling me they can't deal with this. (this was a different service than the ones rejecting me for bpd.)

a few days later, on a friday, i got a text asking me to book an assessment. i did. i was meant to have it the monday after.

i got a phone call that monday from the assessor. they asked me stuff about my referral and had me confirm that this is about cptsd as well as me being autistic and adhd. they explicitly told me that they can help with that, but that my assessment would have to be another day. i thought, cool. maybe they can actually help.

the assessor had me fill out those questionnaires again.

then i had the actual assessment on thursday. as usual i was told this would be recorded. nothing new. this was the same person i spoke to on monday and the same person who looked at my referral so i assumed that they knew what this was about. i thought this assessment would be to determine my main struggles DUE TO CPTSD. (who wouldn't? i already told them twice.) i was told i would hear back from them about therapy within 30 days.

about a week later i got an email saying that i've been put on a waiting list for therapy for "depression and anxiety", when that's not what i fucking told them. i mean yeah it's part of it, but it's so much bigger. i felt deceived. i felt lied to. i felt not taken seriously. i told them about my cptsd and they boiled it down to depression and anxiety. i'd rather they just told me they couldn't deal with me than basically have me believe that they could. it's cruel to mess with desperate people like that.

i sent an email back saying basically that, as well as addressing misinformation about me being on antidepressants (i was asked if i was ever on psych meds, i was very explicit that i was an antidepressants in 2018 for 6 months only, but not currently). heard nothing for a while.

until now.

i got an email back with a document addressing the issue. they're now saying i'm making it up because they listened to the recording of my assessment and because on that day, i never explicitly said the words "i have cptsd", it's all my fault. DESPITE it having been in my referral. DESPITE me having told the assessor three days prior on the phone.

but conveniently, that first phone call was never recorded, which in hindsight seems fucking deliberate because look how they're twisting it now. look how they're blaming me for their shit communication.

never during the actual assessment was i asked to confirm the reason for my referral again, and i didn't think i had to do it a third time. they should already have it in their system.

but no, apparently me being deceived and not being communicated with properly is now my fault. me being told "we can help with cptsd" OFF THE RECORD and believing it is my fault.

this is shitty communication all over and just lies. i mean especially knowing i'm autistic they should have been more fucking explicit.

anyway, if you have anything beyond mild to moderate depression or anxiety, avoid vita minds at all costs.

[queendopamine]

Opening up about mental health, the healthcare system, and my diagnoses

I'm no stranger to therapy. Though I've never lasted longer than 6 months, I've tried different therapists over the years. I know I need to dig in and do some deep, hands-on work. I've gotten by with some of the tools they've given me, as well as my own efforts at attempting self-help.

In May, I went back to therapy and also saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever. I did a psych eval with her last week.

I received a diagnosis of anxiety, PTSD, and Bipolar. These are also things the therapist had evaluated me for and talked to me about. I scored high on her tests for them. I've always been good at tests...The damn test was how I got my bipolar diagnosis in 2010. Some NP at a walk-in clinic gave me a couple assessments and heard my story about how I reacted on Prozac. Said that depression was only telling half the story and gave me some meds. I had to go off them after a couple months because I got pregnant, but that was as far as I ever went in my Bipolar journey.

Since 2010, I had distanced myself from the Bipolar dx and label. Not only did I not like the stigma, but I just didn't relate to it as much as other things. Borderline seemed to address a lot of similar symptoms. At one point, I even thought I had DID. In 2020, like many chronically-online Millennials in the pandemic, thought I might have ADHD. For much longer, I've considered that I have OCD.

But for now, my doctor is choosing to treat the Bipolar and said she didn't "get ADHD vibes from me" and for now, she wouldn't agree that I have ADHD (I got through school, I finish my work on time, I paid attention to her questions --those were her reasons). She said I might have OCD tendencies based on what I described but she didn't fully label me as OCD or change my treatment at all.

She did say that over time, things could change--as in additional dxes might be given or they might be changed. And of course, we might try different treatments. It's all trial and error.

To start, I'm going on a mood stabilizer (Vraylar) and an anti-anxiety medicine (hydroxizine). I hope I can find the right combination of meds and that the side effects will be minimal and manageable. I havent been on a mood stabilizer in a long time. I don't really remember much about it. I've tried many different anti-depressants and Xanax. The anti-depressants always seemed to make me worse and Xanax just makes me sleepy as fuck.

My doctor gave me an overview of the Vraylar and Hydroxizine. She told me the symptoms and what to look out for. But then reading the pamphlets about them gave me a whole different perspective. Drowsiness was the big one that stuck out to me for both--not only did she not warn me about this, but she even told me hydroxizine wouldn't cause me to be sleepy and I could take up to 400mg a day and I'd be fine. It would help me sleep, but it wouldn't put me to sleep, like Xanax would, in her words.

Like many anti-depressants or mood stabilizers, Vraylar warns of potential weight gain. But it also can cause high blood sugar and high cholesterol. I already have elevated cholesterol so that's unfortunate. I didn't tell my psychiatrist this and now I am wondering if she'll switch meds when I do tell her. I'm not sure why I didn't mention it. All those potential side effects worry me though. I already struggle with my weight and because of my PCOS, I am pretty much already at risk for diabetes--though no tests have come back to indicate that I'm even pre-diabetic, so that's good. The cholesterol is something to worry about though and I will bring that up when I see her again.

Drowsiness is the worst symptom though and I'll tell you why. It's because I switched back to Zyrtec for my allergies and even though I take it at night, it's just a lot. it makes it hard to get up the in the morning. I can handle it okay during the day when I halve the pill, but I still end up dragging around, fatigued. I hope my body adjusts. I don't want to be tired all day. I have horrible allergies and have been receiving allergy shots for them, which contributes to fatigue on shot days. I can't live my life like a zombie all the time.

Just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and annoyed. I know it's going to take time to adjust to both new medications and even to the Zyrtec. And if Vraylar and Hydroxizine don't work, it will be onto something else. I'm just eager to get it right and feel fulfilled and content. I want to be able to workout if I want to. I want to relax if I want to. I just don't want to be ruled by fear or lack of energy or zero motivation. I want to be in control of my body. Drowsiness is opposite of this.

Onto the PTSD...that shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I wasn't expecting that. I don't know if the meds will help with my PTSD symptoms. But I know that my stepmom and her sister both receive ketamine treatment periodically. Both of them have bad depression and it helps them tremendously. According to the website, it helps with PTSD and bipolar symptoms as well. So I've considered that as an option, but I want to try meds first.

That brings me to the other issue--cost. I'm lucky that I can pull together the funds when needed and tighten up spending enough to afford these expensive-ass therapy/psych appointments. I also have a boyfriend I live with who makes almost 2x what I do and can pick up the slack or give me money if I really need it. Most people are not in that situation. There are people in my own family who cannot afford certain things. Mental health is a luxury to them.

Something so important and life-changing is a luxury that they can't afford. It's tragically common. Health insurance in the US is a joke. I can't even bill them for these sessions. It's not that they don't cover any mental health/behavioral health (though that's part of it sometimes), it's that the places I have visited do not bill health insurance for some reason. Maybe it's harder to work with them. maybe there's something about the way they bill. I truly do not know. But it's expensive as hell and I know if it were easier, they would bill insurance.

So yeah it's hard enough that I have to scrape together the money and really budget out my spending and think of every dollar. But there are people who have to do this with groceries, with feeding their children! People who have to choose which bills to pay. They can't just scrape together some extra money and spend it on mental health. Those people are fucked. and then their kids, who grow up in poverty or who are surrounded by this constant survival mentality, will grow up traumatized and in need of therapy they can't afford either. The cycle continues.

Does the government care? No. This system isn't built well and it's failing the people who need it the most.

I could talk more about the PTSD and Bipolar. what they mean to me and the symptoms I'm having. But I'm tired (go figure) and this is all I can manage.

[conduitandconjurer]

sorry this got long, so keep scrolling if you aren’t in a headspace for a mutual to vent ooc. 

i’m upset for stupid reasons that, i think, go back to bigger or deeper things IRL.

i’m upset that i’ve been too busy as my mother’s sole caretaker OR playing frantic catch-up at work (i’m a professor and it involves a LOT of grading, lecturing, reading, and writing, and frankly extracurricular things like counseling and reporting concerns about students’ emotional or physical safety) to do things like shower, sleep 7-8 hours a night, eat as healthily as i should, exercise, and most of all, do ANYTHING creative to my own satisfaction. it has been more than a WEEK since i have showered! it has been since JUNE since i have even started a complete, finished, full-color artwork. 

yeah, i know the positivity drill: “you create things for your own joy, not to be good at them.” but i only enjoy making things (image or word) that i can do with a certain degree of thoroughness and depth. i don’t like to half-ass anything. there’s also executive dysfunction borne of crippling anxiety and depression, which are more situational (C-PTSD) than the result of brain chemistry.

so i’m mad. i’m sad. i’m lonely. i’m tired. i want to just have some semblance of a normal adult life. i have not had a normal life since i was diagnosed with an incurable, progressively worsening illness AT AGE SIX. and i have let it get MUCH worse (my kidneys, stomach, eyes, lymph nodes, and blood vessels are all so badly damaged that there is no fixing them, there is just praying they don’t get worse, and now all sensation in my hands is going too: i can barely type this) because i’ve had to take over for my mother (no, insurance won’t help us, believe me, i’ve looked into it: she’s on dialysis but somehow “not sick enough”) and i have NO TIME to see my OWN doctors and do the necessary lifestyle changes to make MYSELF any better. i want to take a shower, and have energy to do anything after that. i want to go on a date. hell, i have a new boyfriend, but i find dating him to be a chore that i dread because i am so fucking drained by the end of the week that I’d rather just go to bed. 

i want to be selfish. i just want to be SELFISH for ONE DAY. 

but i know that’s not realistic.  i mean i live in a world where everyone, EVERYONE, that i know, has just gone back to attending major events maskless, even though COVID is still surging. people like me are apparently expendable; we’re “sick anyway,” so if we die, it’s “expected.”  we get left behind and NO ONE NOTICES. 

i won’t be able to do Sheehantober/Sheetober, whatever it’s called, that super cool thing with all the creative prompts. 

i won’t be able to draw/paint the entire notebook of ideas i’ve had waiting for “free time” since last february.

i won’t have time to answer my drafts here, that have been sitting since may.

i won’t be able to even catch up on Discord threads, and I CAN’T EVEN FIND THE TIME TO CELEBRATE KLAUS’S BIRTHDAY WITH GOOFY LIGHT HEARTED SIMPLE THINGS. I FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT IT ENTIRELY. 

but honestly THAT DOESN’T MATTER EITHER, because i haven’t had the time to form many meaningful connections with people (aside two lovely souls who know who they are) in this fandom, and nobody inboxes me or responds to my open starters anyway.  plus if they did, i’d probably be too sick or tired to do a thing about it. 

mom just spilled perishable stuff all over the kitchen floor trying to get her own food, so now i have to go mop that up even though my sciatica is so bad that i’m sweating. this weekend, i have to somehow find time to get a house cleaner, inventory and remove extra dialysis supplies (32 HEAVY boxes to cover), find and buy a table with very specific parameters to hold a dialysis cycler, etc etc etc). a day in the life. 

and you think, “can’t you ask somebody to help?” friend, if you say that, you have never experienced TRUE chronic illness, and how very quickly people you are close to become “too busy” to help when they have to interact with (noncommunicable!) illness, and acknowledge their OWN mortality. 

[cherry-velvet-skies]

I very rarely like to bring my personal issues on here but I'm so fucking stressed and angry that I don't know where to put it.

My dog got diagnosed with diabetes two months ago, and immediately he was given a medication and a dosage to start with. My parents and I knew he would be okay but even that was stressful because it became something we had to adjust our schedule to and it took some getting used to for all of us and especially our dog.

About a month in, the insulin wasn't really making that much of an improvement, so we went back to the vet and they told us to slightly increase the dosage and that maybe it wasn't enough. So that's what we did.

Flash forward to yesterday and my parents are taking our dog to the hospital because he's extremely lethargic, he keeps puking, and his back legs keep collapsing and he can't stand. Turns out that for the last two months my dog was being given the WRONG type of insulin at a dosage that was WAY TOO HIGH.

Wanna guess why?

The type of insulin we were given was the most EXPENSIVE type that our local vet offered, and they get a commission every time we refilled the prescription.

Now my dog is stuck in the hospital with diabetic ketoacidosis in critical condition for the next week ALL BECAUSE OUR LOCAL VET WANTED FUCKING MONEY

The hospital said that he's gonna be okay but he needs constant treatment for a few days to make sure he recovers and that he's gonna be switched to a new treatment plan once he's able to come home. BUT THIS WOULD'VE NEVER HAPPENED IF PEOPLE WEREN'T SO FUCKING GREEDY

NOT TO MENTION THAT THE HOSPITAL KEEPS ASKING US FOR A DOWNPAYMENT TO COVER THE MEDICAL EXPENSES WHICH WE DON'T FUCKING HAVE AND UNTIL THEY GET THEIR MONEY THEY'RE NOT GIVING MY DOG THE CARE HE NEEDS BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T GOTTEN FUCKING PAID YET

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF LIVING IN A COUNTRY WHERE MEDICAL FACILITIES AND INSURANCE COMPANIES CARE ABOUT MONEY AND PROFITS OVER PEOPLE'S AND ANIMAL'S FUCKING LIVES

You think you can trust your doctors when they say they know what they're talking about BUT YOU CAN'T. Even when we did research at home everything they were saying seemed right but my parents and I didn't know any better! Diabetes is not something we've had to deal with before so we think that the vet is doing the right thing! And now our dog has to go through all this which is super traumatic for him, ESPECIALLY since he's a rescue and came from an abusive home before we got him and he's got extreme anxiety and PTSD.

I just feel so bad for him but there's nothing my parents and I can do until he's well enough to come home and I just feel so helpless and frustrated and betrayed. I fucking hate the way this country operates and I always fucking will.

[whitneyasif]

My DP/DR story

I was diagnosed with Depersonalization(DP)/Derealization(DR) disorder a few months ago, although I've experienced it since I was in high school, probably around 2012. At that time, I had no clue what it was. I remember first experiencing it after smoking weed with my friends, and still feeling "weird" and high the next day, and the day after that, all for about a week. Eventually, I guess I just stopped thinking about it so naturally, it was gone. I never really smoked much weed after that, thinking I'd never ever wanna feel that weird again. Flash forward to 2015 when my grandfather (who raised me, and was basically like my dad) suddenly passed from a brain tumor, it sparked up again, but once again went away and laid dormant. I was doing good, I got married and had two sons. Then, one of the worst things that could happen to a woman, happened to me. My husband died. He was robbed and killed in March of 2021, and my whole world crashed...and burned...badly. My anxiety was at an all-time high. I was paranoid, watching out of my window all night and not sleeping because I was so afraid. After months into my healing journey for the next year, I was doing better. I got back to work, and things were seeming to go back to "normal" for me. October of 2022 comes around, and my younger sister had relapsed and called me for help, asking to come to my house to detox and get clean. I agree and pick her up, and she is withdrawing pretty hard. I left home for about an hour to go help my sister-in-law who had a flat tire and needed a ride, and come home to my baby sister who was 23, dead in my bed. Probably the most devastating thing that I have ever gone through other than losing my husband. After that, a bunch of new mental health issues started to arrive and wouldn't you know it, here comes the DP/DR, full force, the worst it has ever been. I suffered for a few months of going in and out of "reality" and dissociative states and finally called a therapist. Almost immediately I was diagnosed to have DP/DR and PTSD. Although I knew I had it, it was still a relief for someone to listen to me and not make me feel crazy when I described my symptoms. Quite frankly, if you have ever experienced DP/DR you know just how crazy it makes you feel. Now at this point, you're probably wondering "Well, what does it do to you? How does it make you feel?". It can quite literally alter your mind. My symptoms are severe and can last for days. How I know I'm going into an "episode" is easy for me now, remember that I said easy to recognize, not that they are pleasant. I will start to see and hear things differently. Hearing things can seem muffled, or like someone is talking to you from another room. Vision change can be hard to describe, but the best way I can describe it is, you start seeing things in a somewhat hyper-real state, or that the world seems "not real". I think this is one of the most common symptoms for people who experience this, which is less than 2% of the population, by the way. Another thing that happens that is related to vision is, you feel like you are viewing things from a third person or out-of-body. Looking at yourself in the mirror, your friends, and even your children can feel unfamiliar. I remember looking in the mirror and even questioning if I was real. It can be alarming, and scary. When I would tell people I felt crazy. But I realized that I am not crazy. I am hurt. I am traumatized. The way my body deals with it is just inconvenient, honestly. I look at it like this... My brain is trying to protect me from all the pain, all the hurt, and make me feel like things are not real so I don't feel the pain. Being self-aware wants me to tell my brain to fucking stop the charade and let me hurt because I would rather be sad than feel like I don't exist. I have been working with my therapist to try to find breathing techniques that work or grounding exercises. I was even prescribed Lexapro, which I will be starting tonight. It's been a long journey, and I am even in an episode as I type this, but I know one day I will get better.

[chasing-rabbits]

I had a meeting with a psychiatrist on Thursday. Basically it was a full review of my diagnoses so at my old CMHT they hadn’t specified my diagnoses aside from my EUPD one as borderline type. Which at a previous phone appointment I was told was an issue and I should really be re assessed otherwise they can’t treat me effectively. I was happy with this because it is always good to know what I specifically have and actually the psychiatrist was really good. I liked him because he was thorough, knowledgable, didn’t appear to have any outdated views on borderline PD and in general I had faith in his handling of everything. He did make me smile when he said it seems you’ve been told a lot of nonsense in the past and when I explained I was discharged solely on anti depressants he just made a face like because that’s the biggest no no for Bipolar patients. In fact his words were giving Bipolar patients anti depressants is like giving sugar to a diabetic. You cannot put a patient with Bipolar on anti depressants and no other medication at all. It did help confirm my Bipolar diagnosis was accurate though because of course I had a manic episode that lasted longer than usual probably because yeah it was induced by my medication at the time. I always assumed I had Bipolar type 2 just from conversations with my original psychiatrist and the old one I had before moving CMHT’s. But it turns out I have Bipolar type 1, they did confirm that yes I have EUPD borderline type aka borderline personality disorder. They also cleared up my generic ‘anxiety disorder unspecified’ they said I have panic disorder and maybe GAD but they aren’t 100% on that at the moment. They also said I meet all the criteria for Complex PTSD which is something my therapist had brought up with me in the beginning session or two. It’s not really unsurprising if you’re a professional who believes BPD is a reaction to trauma and has looked at more recent studies and such showing that I think its something like 2/3 of patients w/ a bpd dx report childhood neglect/abuse. He agreed there’s not really medication for BPD and therapy is the recommended treatment he did agree EMDR could be very beneficial not only for my CPTSD but the BPD which is what my therapist said too. He did mention we could look at DBT as well but then he said something else about me receiving therapy already so idk I don’t remember entirely it was a 2 hour or so appointment but basically the gist was you’ve got a good therapist so might as well stick with that. He also confirmed something I confronted my old psychiatrist about which is interesting and also concerning with regards to my manic episodes but we’ll see. He’s upped my Lamotrogine to help with the depression because despite my prior appointment with a diff psych at this new place he did not agree it’s purely down to life factors right now and clearly the Lamotrigine isn’t doing its job he also said something about he likes to give x doses not I think he said R&R I’m not sure he used an acronym but I think he was basically suggesting my dose wasn’t therapeutically enough in the treatment of Bipolar and he couldn’t fathom why I’d ever been put on anti depressants whilst on such a low dose of it and no wonder I’d been getting what my Dr’s had said was ‘breakthrough mania’ irony as well that my anti depressants are specifically stated to have caused mania like symptoms in those with no bipolar diagnosis or history so like fuck me also confirms some other things I was concerned about and right to be concerned about when talking to my old psychiatrist. Which also kinda pisses me off knowing all my concerns were right and just brushed off. I am however pleased to get answers and more help more accurate and informed help too. Sadly this new CMHT doesn’t allow us to see the same psychiatrists every week they don’t schedule appointments so I just get assigned whose available but he said he’ll see if he can get me scheduled w/ him for my check up in 4-6 weeks time to see how the increased dose is going.

[diaryofnicaraguan]

surprise, bitch.

it's been many years since i have been on tumblr. in true spirit of who i am, i cannot remember my old account login. she's a lost cause anyway. but it would've been fun to have gone back on the shit show i thought was cute. i'm glad to be back. blogging was an old passion of mine. when i first joined tumblr i was a junior in high school. (i've had a few accounts). a little over 10 years ago. *shocked* i'm now 30 years old. typing with a broken ring finger on my left hand, on the last day of 2022. to be honest i am not sure why i came back yet or what called me to come back. adele is currently playing in the back as i type away. it's therapy tbh. i wish in some way i could go back in time and hug myself. tell myself to not give up on my love for theatre. my love for music. my love for artistic expression. nowadays i'm swimming in regret and yearning to feel liberated. i've felt stuck. nostalgia is hitting me so hard as i maneuver through tumblr. the internet is not the same as it used to be. my thoughts are all over the place. i guess in order to be able to look back i want to point out some pros and cons of 2022.

let's start with cons: hospitalized and had to get surgery february, got shitty news about my health, my employment has been shit, external people came back into my life just to create more chaos, diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ptsd. my marriage has had more downs than ups. gained too much weight. and i know im not as big as i use to big and im still cute-ish but having proven to myself i can lose weight and gain confidence fucked with me. my sister had a miscarriage that affected my family. my birthday sucked. i was pumped for my 30th birthday, and the whole week of my birthday just didn't feel right. *shrugs* Maybe 31 will be better?

moving on with pros: no lie i have sat here and thought hard. but i found some! even though marriage is rocky, there's been more mutual understanding & better communication. got amazing news about my health. found out i dont need surgery for my fractured finger. i became a certified, licensed technician. passed my exam with decent grades. i let go of friendships that i should never have gone back to. renewed my residency in the united states. now im good until 2032 (if i make it that far). also that shit was expensive. my mom (surprisingly) helped me pay it last time (2012). eventually i want to become a citizen...maybe. unless i go crazy and move to costa rica or puerto rico between now and 2032. the united states of america is anything but united. it's just getting shittier to live here.

overall rating of 2022: 1 out of 10. wouldn't recommend.

im usually not a fan of odd numbers but it seems to follow me. so maybe 2023 will be amazing. i plan on traveling more. chicago is my nearest escape from my hell. i miss being there with my husband. the vibes are always great there. it feels like home there. i have lived in small towns for the majority of my life. after i was accepted to columbia college chicago and shit didn't workout, i gave up that dream and settled for the small city of south bend. i fear i have outgrown my stay here. nothing but bad memories. also no privacy. a lot of people know who i am and who my husband is. im not a social butterfly. i am a couch cocoon.

i just want 2023 to be full of adventures. 2022 came and went and i feel empty. 2021 was such an exciting year. so many chicago trips. like literally at least once a month.

i'm determined to post at least once a day. it would be nice to look back at this on december 31, 2023 and laugh. i highly doubt anyone will read this but if for some odd reason someone does - i hope you all have an amazing 2023. i gotta get ready to go to my husbands bar to ring in the new year.

[ogseitai]

!