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interstellarsystem · 1 month

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Endogenic Systems and Experiences in the Neurodivergent Community

We tend to stay mostly on the fringes of syscourse nowadays without directly interacting with it too often but I'm going to post this more broadly and less focused on our specific instance of this because community-wise I think it's important to talk about.

Endogenic and other non-traumagenic systems are so commonly excluded from so many neurodivergent-safe spaces where they would otherwise be able to gain knowledge about the disorders they might have, share experiences and coping strategies with peers, or at least have a sense of community that is so commonly valuable to disabled and/or neurodivergent people. In a lot of cases, even people who only support non-traumagenic systems get shoved out.

[Continued under the readmore as it's long.]

This obviously harms non-traumagenic systems, but I have to point out that when people sit there and say "we care about REAL disabled people!", I have to say.... Do you? Because if you did care about those with mental illness, physical disability or neurodivergence, you in my mind wouldn't exclude them based on something unrelated to the topic itself which might even be something as small as holding an opinion that other people get to be the judge of their own experiences. You can say that you care about "real" disabled people, but what about when a traumagenic DID system also has a tulpa that they consider just as valid and real as their alters? What about when a system labels themselves as quoigenic because in reality, you owe no one the knowledge that you are vulnerable and traumatised? What about when a system starts out as endogenic but gains so much trauma later on that they develop dissociative symptoms?

We're quoigenic because while yes we are diagnosed with DID:

DID does not have trauma in the diagnostic criteria so our diagnosis doesn't mean anything by way of origin. Nontraumagenic is not the same as nondisordered the same way that traumagenic isn't the same as disordered.

We cannot remember a time before we were plural so we cannot say with accuracy what our actual origin was.

We have headmates we consider to be from both traumagenic and endogenic origins and it feels unfair to pick one.

We don't owe anyone a quick little "hey, we have trauma!" flag on our pinned post which can easily paint us as a target. This is the exact reason we don't share our triggers online--it's not safe.

You don't owe anyone personal medical information including your diagnostic history, your trauma history or lack thereof, your current medications or how many times you've been in a hospital. That is your business and yours alone to decide who you share it with. It's downright dangerous to share some of it, especially so publically. So who is anyone online that clearly isn't your specific medical practitioner to decide whether your experiences are real enough to allow you into spaces meant for a usually completely unrelated thing? Why would someone holding the opinion that endogenic systems get to decide what labels they use be denied access to spaces just because they support people with differing beliefs and/or experiences?

If we as a system with multiple disabilities want to go into a space for people who are schizoaffective because we need others who won't immediately jump on the ableism train when discussing something we're diagnosed with that has so much stigma, should we be denied that just because we don't label our origin with a clear-cut "we are traumatized!!" label? Should we be denied access to spaces because we don't want to sit around and smile while parts of our system and other members of our community are called fake and evil and whatever else they come up with? It's so common in spaces for people with disabilities to be exclusive to traumagenic systems and people with an anti-endogenic mindset that people don't realise they're not only hurting the endogenic community, but literal chunks of their own community itself.

I can't even begin to understand the reason why.

Endogenic systems by just existing do not cause harm. They're not like a transphobe you would not be safe around by default of having a label. Not every nontraumagenic system is a saint but if you took any communtiy and called everyone in it the equivalent of an unproblematic holy angel, you'd be lying. People are bad in every community, some worse than others, but the nontraumagenic system community literally just wants to exist--and yes, sometimes a nontraumagenic system (or supporter of such) does have dissociative symptoms, or maybe they have autism, or maybe they're physically disabled. Should they be not allowed access just because of the way they chose to label their system, or their opinion of people picking their own labels for their personal identity?

What exactly is the reason they're so excluded everywhere? I'd try to assume that this level of exclusion (to the point of endos being on DNIs next to transphobes and racists) would mean there's some real harm being done on a community-wide scale, but even when looking for it there isn't any explanation we've been able to find. "They're fake" is all we seem to see which has no actual backing whatsoever. "They're harmful" is another but.. How? We might be looking in the wrong places, but we have never seen an actual explanation for how nontraumagenic systems cause harm as a community just by being themselves.

At this point, I have to wonder how many people who say "we care about real disabled people!" are just covering up their "we care about socially acceptable disabled people who I understand and/or do not find cringey" sentiment instead. Being neurodivergent should never be about fitting into tight little boxes--it's part of the whole point of having a community like this. You're not the majority, and that's okay. So why are we dividing the disabled community into boxes too?

Of course, this doesn't only apply to ND spaces. LGBT+ spaces are similar and even more divided from the concept of being a system that it makes even less sense to block nontraumagenic systems from entering the space. How does their system origin relate to their LGBT+ identity? Sometimes it can, but should a trans person be excluded from a trans space because they have a friend who is an endogenic system and they support them fully?

Overall, the main point is that it makes no sense whatsoever to be anti-endo in general, let alone so violently anti-endogenic system to the point where you hurt members of your own community due to it. Sometimes from something as simple as them supporting endogenics alone. Your safe spaces aren't actually safe if you exclude a nonharmful group who also belong in that space due to having a personal identity or opinion different to yours. If you want somewhere to be a safe, inclusive space, it should include everyone as long as letting those people in won't cause harm. People who are seeking to cause harm (racists, transphobes, etc) obviously do not belong in a safe space because they seek to harm others, thus making the space unsafe. But people who just want to be themselves without harming anyone should be included in your space if they fall under whatever it may be topic-wise. Even the "cringey" ones. Even the ones who don't quite make sense to you or have "contradicting" labels. Even the ones who use labels completely differently to the way you do. And even the ones who are uninformed or misinformed but trying their best to learn. Your safe space is not safe if it excludes those who do not follow your every single mindset and thought without any deviation.

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lets-try-some-writing · 3 months

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Death and Gifts

Death has existed since time untold, but now with mortal friends, he has found himself in a bit of a pickle. Having been introduced to the concept of repayment, he now feels the need to return the kindness his friends have offered.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for everyone involved, Death pays his debts in full.

Previous part here.

━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙ ━━━━━━━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙

Death, or rather Orion Pax, was familiar with the concept of an exchange. Shanix was traded for resources or goods, life was traded for death, and knowledge was traded for service. He knew this, but he eventually came to a rather startling realization upon going through a series of datapads on mentality.

According to what he read, relationships were also a form of exchange. In a relationship of any sort, both parties were to give and take in equal exchange. Service was to be repaid in some way, shape, or form. Emotional care was to be provided in turn, and friends were meant to create bonds through a series of debts to one another in the form of attention, time, and service. To Orion, it was a wakeup call and prompted a severe misunderstanding.

Throughout his entire stay in the mortal plane, he had been receiving the time, attention, and service of his companions. He had been unintentionally indebting himself to them, and at this point, he was swimming in things that needed to be repaid. Ratchet gave knowledge and care freely, and that needed to be repaid as soon as possible. As did Megatron's dutiful companionship. There was much to do, and so Death prepared to repay that which was owed... in his own unique way.

Ratchet was his first and oldest companion. As such, Orion began devising ways to repay him first. Ratchet made his life easier and gave him understanding, Orion could do the same in turn. Thus, over the course of a few weeks, Death began to dig into Ratchet's history, connections, and prospects. The medical student had a few... blotches in his social life that Orion frowned upon seeing. An overenthusiastic ex, a corrupt higher up refusing Ratchet the title of doctor, and a bully who harassed his friend on the daily. Death does not usually pick favorites, but when it came to his friend and his debts, he was willing to compromise.

He spent what time he could with Ratchet, trying to return the emotional support through actions. And when he wasn't otherwise engaged, he put pieces in motion. He couldn't directly do anything, not without making his siblings upset. But setting up scenarios that would lead to death were not exactly off limits. So long as he wasn't there or forcing the death to happen, he wasn't responsible. So what if that one unfortunate ex got into a bad crash? He could have avoided it if he'd tried harder and paid attention. Why should it bother Death that a corrupt doctor overdosed on recreational drugs? The mech was living on borrowed time anyway. The bully ended up being arrested? Well isn't that unfortunate.

Ratchet did not grieve much, and Death was there with him all the way. He still had debts to repay, and Ratchet was worth so much more than being a mere Doctor. Perhaps it was a bit of bias, but Orion couldn't help but pull a few strings. Sometimes the corrupt needed to fall ill to make way for those who were far more suited to the roll. If Ratchet gave Orion a few side glances after he was suddenly promoted to the role of CMO, neither of them acknowledged it.

Ratchet: That mech... did you kill him?

Orion: I am forbidden to directly intervene in the affairs of your kind.

Ratchet: Did you cause this to happen?

Orion: You have been kind to me, you have given me much. It is a debt I will repay.

Ratchet: Orion, please, you don't need to-

Orion: You are of my chosen. Your purpose far exceeds those of the lesser.

Ratchet: You aren't like this. You don't usually have an opinion on anything, at least not like this.

Orion: It was, and it is still not permitted. But I will not allow that which was offered to go unrepaid.

His debt was nowhere near paid, but Orion had little else he could do. HIs friend was soaring high, and so in a bit of desperation, he focused on the rules to see what else he could possibly effect. Direct intervention was out of the question, but perhaps he could give a gift.

It wasn't against the rules to simply remove a block within a mech.

Death smiled when Ratchet found himself with an uncanny ability to sense death before it arrived. The doctor was able to solve cases before they reached a breaking point and determine a cause of death effortlessly, seemingly without any explanation. Ratchet chalked it up to his own skill, and Death grinned as he turned to his next set of debts.

Jazz was next, but for Death, he was hard to fully place. Jazz was an odd one, and repaying debts with him would be difficult. Jazz's situation did not allow for mecha to perish unfortunately. He was in too delicate of a position for that to happen and not harm him. But Orion could give him information. That much he could do. Jazz was an agent, a spy for the Council. Death dug through every case Jazz was involved in with fanatic determination, and once he had everything prepared, he began his work.

Cold cases were suddenly given new evidence as Death searched for the dead within the Allspark and questioned them. Information Jazz could not reach was put before him on a silver platter as mecha with the details found themselves incapacitated by unfortunate accidents. Those who hunted his friend were quickly silenced, not through supernatural means, but through blackmail Orion had from the Archives. To top if all off, Death gifted his friend an ability. When Death came to fallen, they trusted him instinctually. They knew what he was. To Jazz he gave a lesser version of the same gift, merely accentuating Jazz's already powerful charisma with a touch of the calm of the void.

Jazz noticed, but he said nothing. Death merely smiled.

Megatronus was not difficult to repay. Death merely began rigging things in his favor. Well, not necessarily rigging. But the odds tipping ever so slightly in his Champion's favor were not against the rules. Who was ever going to concern themselves with a blade sliding off Megatronus's armor and shattering instead of piercing. Bad craftsmanship had its effects after all. Who would be anything except awed when old wounds healed perfectly and Megatronus returned to the arena without issue? The Champion made all sorts of money for his sponsors. His success was theirs.

Orion's siblings watched him in wrath, further tightening his reigns. But Death would not halt. He could not gift abilities as obvious as he had to Jazz and Ratchet, but it was not out of the question to give Megatronus a more intimidating aura. All it took was for Death to touch him once every few cycles, and Megatronus would carry the stench of death wherever he walked. His foes feared him, and Orion laughed lightly as he watched their terror firsthand. It was not a gift, merely his presence having its effect. His siblings could not punish him for that.

Prima: You cannot keep doing this Thirteen. You are stepping beyond your bounds.

Death: I am following the rite.

Vector: You are not. Your influence has expanded beyond the limits set in place for all Primes. Continue down this path, and we shall be forced to step in.

Death: What must I do to gain the ability to expand?

Micronus: There is no-

Onyx: Expand. Grow.

Prima: Onyx enough!

Onyx: He has the right to know. We have known since the children of Primus walked the world. To keep him in the dark is cruel.

Death: What do you know?

Onyx: The rite forbids that I speak plainly, but continue as you are, and soon enough your reach will expand. The children of Primus are eager to believe.

Death considered the words of his peers, and ultimately he elected to follow Onyx's advice. He was Death, he was allowed to act as he saw fit, at least to a degree. He would obey the rites and rules, but if the children were in danger... well, rules were made to be broken on occasion.

Soundwave was the last on his list, largely because he was Megatronus's favorite. Death looked upon him and decided against any action, instead opting to give a simple gift to repay his debts. Soundwave stalked the halls, and Death dragged him into the shadows. It was for a brief moment, but when he released the spymaster and met his gaze back in the normal plane, Soundwave shakily got to his pedes, and Death smiled again. He enjoyed smiling. Such a silly thing, but one that held so much meaning.

"This gift I have given to repay my debts. The void now knows you, it has tasted your frame. Do not linger long within its grasp, but it welcomes you, should you wish to traverse the dark paths."

He left quietly, and Soundwave for his part shook like a leaf. The work was done, and now Death had largely repaid his debts.

However if a few particularly devoted mailmecha found themselves avoiding trouble and injury with surprising grace, then who were they to judge? Death would repay his debts, regardless of the outcome.

Megatronus, Ratchet, and Jazz were all very much aware that Orion had done something to them, but by the time they came to understand their new gifts, they opted not to ask. Whatever Orion was, he was old, and he was powerful. No longer was he a spark eater in disguise or some old monster. Rather, he had to be a Quintesson or a creation of them. There was no other explanation, not unless one wanted to begin believing in fairy tales about Primes and their power.

Death, oblivious to it all, continued merrily while quite content to have finally "made things right."

#transformers #maccadam #transformers prime #orion pax #megatronus #ratchet #jazz #soundwave #death's embrace au #alternate universe #pre war cybertron #slight cosmic horror I guess #idk what to label death being death

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okadaizoirl · 2 months

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i think i've gotten to a point where if anyone consistently uses any indicator of AGAB to refer to a whole group of diverse people i just can't follow them anymore. i can't fucking play this game anymore. you fools, trans people are being effected. trans people are being targeted. all of us. we all experience oppression, it takes many forms, but we do. we are meant to HELP each other, to UPLIFT each other, not to recreate what cis people made up to torture themselves--

LEAVE BIOESSENTIALISM BEHIND. 'GENDERED SOCIALIZATION' IS NOT TRUE TO INDIVIDUAL LIVED EXPERIENCES. WE ARE ALL SUFFERING.

we have to help each other. that starts with listening to each other. i owe every step of my gender realization to trans women. if a trans woman is in need of mutual aid, i donate what i can. if a trans woman is facing baseless accusations, i have the critical thinking skills to know she's the one in need of defense and/or comfort. i don't stand for any kind of misogyny. i have listen, i continue to listen to the women i know.

i can count on one finger how many people didn't dismiss me with either "that's how men are" or "this is what you signed up for" when i confided my own struggles in them with my journey. i have only had male privilege with complete strangers and ONLY after months on HRT.

and it crumbles the minute i say "husband", and suddenly my curly hair and friendly demeanor makes those strangers suddenly question themselves: "is this a faggot?". not a man, not a woman, these people have wondered aloud, in front of me, "is it a he or a she?".

or it crumbles the minute my manager-on-duty sees my legal name and starts asking me invasive questions about my medical history. i lose any privilege i had the second i have to show my fucking license-- i can't change my legal name yet, and don't want to change my gender marker until much later.

why don't i want to change that marker? I DON'T WANT TO GAMBLE WITH DEATH, AND TRANS MEN HAVE BEEN REFUSED WOULD-BE-LIFESAVING CARE AND DIED, JUST FOR THAT.

AND I KNOW TRANS WOMEN HAVE TOO. TRANS PEOPLE HAVE THIS STRUGGLE.

trans people all face misogyny. trans people all face transphobia. there is nuanced difference in transmisogyny and transandrophobia, and trans women/transfemmes and trans men/transmascs should have the right to speak on it for themselves. we should have the right to coin a term to call it. we should have the right to theory.

this does not give any of us the right to use those concepts to recreate the worst part of cis society, fucking gender wars.

#alex is alive #block this tag if you need to #sorry to rant i just. ough. i had to unfollow a fucking CAT ACCOUNT over this separatist bullshit #cannot fucking stand this for one second. i thought more trans people per capita meant we'd all be DONE with this #transandrophobia #transandromisia

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dovesndecay · 5 months

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I know, I know, down to my bones, that people mean to be kind and that they mean to be helpful.

and I am not @ing anyone specific.

But if you suggest food banks to people asking for monetary help to get groceries, you are doing the equivalent of suggesting yoga and increased water intake to the disabled.

Stop it. Please, fucking hell, stop. I'm begging you all to stop. I am so tired of having to drop a goddamn dissertation of my medical history to justify needing money to buy food, and having everyone & their liberal autism-mommy meets wine aunt on Facebook suggesting food banks.

Seriously?

Do y'all really think we've never heard of a food bank? After several years of having to e-beg to keep a roof over our heads, a vehicle for work, and food in our mouths, y'all really think we're just stupid? And I'm sorry if this comes off angry, or mean, but I'm tired and honestly just a little hurt. I'm always fucking tired, and opening my notes to people making "helpful suggestions" that I've had to explain do not actually help us over and over and over again is exhausting, and painful, and it just sucks.

I should not owe people explanations of my dietary needs, but if I don't give it, then I don't eat. because then I'm viewed as a lazy ungrateful peasant that thinks they're too good for the free cans of rich peoples' cast off green beans that's been in the back of their cabinet for six months that they oh-so-generously donated for this holiday season.

Food banks can and often are a wonderful resource, and our local options are ones we've utilized before -- which is how we know that it is not a resource that is good for us.

If someone asks for options, fine, offer them!! But if they say outright, 'what I need is financial help', it is simply not your right to assume that they just don't know that they need something else.

#original post

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transmutationisms · 7 months

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hello caden, do you know anything about horticulture therapy? i'm taking a class on it and there's a big emphasis on how medieval european medicine taught that working in a garden is good for your health (apparently in medieval Spain hospital patients would do it to pay off their debts and they found they had better health outcomes). there's also stuff about dr benjamin rush. i don't know much about him but i am lightly skeptical of everything i've read so far. i'm curious to hear your take

as in, do i think it works, or do i know of it being a therapeutic practice? on the former, basically no, not the way proponents claim. on the latter, yeah horticultural therapy/gardening was commonly prescribed when there were broader turns toward occupational/work therapies, the ideas generally being that patients needed 1) moral discipline of the variety encouraged by physical labour 2) something to focus their minds on 3) exercises that could strengthen the weakened or injured body 4) exposure to fresh air and nature 5) a way of 'contributing to society'. which of these justification/s were used varied by location and time period: eg, in the us and france, there was a pretty dramatic shift in the latter half of the 18th century toward hospital reform that focussed on improving sanitary conditions, and this led to (among other things) a bigger push for outdoor activities, courtyard access, gardens, airflow, &c; also in these countries in this period, certain trendy empiricist ideas were often invoked to justify claims about the moral benefits of physical work, which obviously was very helpful to people who wanted, eg, standing militaries and large workforces in these countries that were dealing with political instability.

benjamin rush was definitely big on horticultural therapy in philadelphia, specifically in the context of psychiatric therapeutics; he was an advocate of occupational/work therapy in general. in the french context in particular, gardens have also had some other specific valences, owing to lockean and rousseauvian ideas about the moral value of seeing / contemplating nature, as well as a fashion for orderly gardens as demonstrations of imperial management of nature & territory from about the 17th century onward. (british gardens have historically had a similar ideological function, though britain is not my wheelhouse.) gardening also had specific political resonances and uses because university and hospital gardens historically functioned as sources of pharmacists' botanicals, and because acclimatising exotic species has long been a state-funded economic enterprise intended both to introduce profitable plants into the metropole and to examine the conditions under which organisms could be adapted to different climates. this was a question of great interest to, eg, governments that were trying to hold and profit from settler colonies. so, there were a lot of different reasons gardening in particular was historically such a big part of occupational therapy prescriptions.

none of this inherently means that working in a garden has zero therapeutic benefit. and i'm obviously coming at this from a historical angle and not a medical one per se. but, when i run across a therapeutic recommendation that has this type of history of being deeply entwined with moral claims, political uses, and capitalist and colonialist exploitation, i'm generally very hesitant about assuming it 'works' without compelling reason to think that the justification / evidence for recommending it has radically changed in some way. i specifically have some reasons to be really suspicious of the claim that horticultural therapy 'worked' in that medieval spanish case you mention (i will throw some methodological notes under a cut in case you care, along with a couple historical texts that are just interesting).

occupational therapies in general are still heavily moralised, and are blatantly aimed at getting people 'back to work' in service to employers and governments that depend on their labour-power. obviously, participating in activities you enjoy is generally good for your overall well-being, and for some people one such activity very well could be gardening. but the idea that gardening has some specific health-promoting essence reeks of assumptions about the morality of physical labour, the idea that illness or unwellness is caused by laziness, &c. justifying the practice by appealing to medieval european hospital therapeutics is not impressive because again, the actual reasons for this therapy being recommended in those contexts were, as a general rule, highly political & politicised; none of this is operating in some ideal realm of 'objective' medico-scientific evidence. and, just to spell it out: occupational therapies are appealing to a lot of physicians and institutions because they make it easy to place the emphasis on patients' individual responsibility to 'better' themselves through hard work, and because they easily slot psychiatric treatment into capitalist ruling ontologies: there's no challenge here to the underlying political-economic conditions that cause and worsen human misery or sickness.

as a side note this is all what i think about whenever i see those tumblr posts that are like "cure your depression by having a hobby and doing something with your hands :) get on the alaskan salmon fishing boat :)" but uh that's neither here nor there i guess

regarding the claim about medieval spanish hospital patients:

it's honestly hard to even evaluate this sort of thing directly in the written historical record. medieval european hospital sources tend to be heavily dominated by physicians' records and treatises (depending on time and place, many/most hospital patients may not have even been literate), which means there's not much by way of patient voices in there. there would also be a huge difference between, say, someone who was committed to an institution for the rest of their life and was made to work in the gardens, versus a wealthy patient who may have been encouraged by a physician to do some work in their own gardens, probably even on their own land. also, as the case in question suggests, occupational/work therapies constantly run into the zone of just being blatant economic exploitation of patients, so when we read these archives with critical eyes, any claim to efficacy of such treatments needs to be pretty heavily scrutinised.

you should also keep in mind that european hospitals have historically not always been institutions that patients were expected to leave: i'm not well-read in spanish medical history specifically, but many european hospitals have historically been more of a 'last resort' type of place, where you basically got admitted if you were dying and had no other options, and/or were sent forcibly because you were indigent or perceived to be causing some sort of 'public nuisance'. if you want to talk health outcomes for such institutions, the confounding factors here are going to be so massive i don't know how you could possibly wade through them to say anything conclusive about whether occupational therapies 'worked', especially given that the written medieval record is, yknow, hundreds of years old and sometimes things do get lost (or were never written down in a permanent place at all). also, those patients who did leave hospitals did not generally, afaik, keep in close contact with their physicians, which would make long-term health outcome tracking of this sort difficult—if anyone even attempted to do it!

there are certainly contexts where local/family physicians kept records on specific patients for a long time, but the sorts of long-term large-scale medical 'studies' we would now expect to see in order to back up claims of therapeutic efficacy just didn't really exist prior to the 19th century or so, partly for logistical / bureaucratic reasons and partly because (speaking generally) european medicine in the middle ages tended to emphasise not universal physiological rules but rather the differences between bodies, with the physician's job being to fine-tune the individual's personal biological balance in order to maintain a state of health. the idea of collecting statistics on a huge population to determine a universal biological condition of health/normality doesn't really become professional orthodoxy until the 18th century at the earliest. this is not to say that medieval european medicine had no normalising function or purpose, but it didn't really work in the exact same way that medicine in the era of social sciences and social statistics does. the way that particular claim about spanish hospitals is framed sounds (to me!) a bit too copacetic with current therapeutic evaluative principles not to raise my eyebrows.

if you care about tracking this down i would suggest you follow whatever footnote or reference this claim came from, and see if the author explained their methodology to evaluate their historical sources (if not, big red flag already lol). you would also want to go footnote-jumping until you find the actual historical source, and with luck, possibly consult it online (many archives these days digitise sources, some even on request! everybody say thank you archivists) and make your own evaluations. but ^^ those are just some considerations i would start with and that make me think this claim may lack historical rigour or rely on shoddy evaluation of sources.

a few books off the top of my head that talk about on gardens, gardening, and occupational/nature therapy in general (sorry they're basically all french context):

Sun-Young Park, Ideals of the body: architecture, urbanism, and hygiene in postrevolutionary Paris

Chandra Mukerji, Territorial ambitions and the gardens of Versailles; and "Entrepreneurialism, land management, and cartography during the age of Louis XIV" in Merchants and marvels ed. Paula Findlen & Pamela Smith

Dora Weiner, The citizen-patient in revolutionary Paris

Jessica Riskin, Science in the age of sensibility: the sentimental empiricists of the French Enlightenment

Emma Spary, Utopia's garden: French natural history from Old Regime to Revolution

Sarah Easterby-Smith, Cultivating commerce: cultures of botany in Britain and France, 1760–1815

#welcome to my blog where i tell you what's wrong with your professor's curriculum ig #book recs #ableism

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opinated-user · 7 months

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In a 8+ hrs stream Lily is sticking to her story that she had stage 1 cancer and still had chemotherapy. She says that you can't fake the severity of stag 1 cancer.

stage 1 skin cancer is absolutely easy to fake. point at any mole on your body, say "that's cancer, i had it tested already", take that mole out and done, you successfully pretended to have skin cancer. which, just for the record, is still a lot more than what LO has provided or done to prove anything at all. (and yes, i know that she'd probably respond "i don't owe anyone any proof of my medical history", which would be valid if you weren't also lying and giving misinformation about a serious condition people do suffer from) faking treatment for cancer is another thing entirely that LO simply hasn't been able to pull off. i repeat: stage 1 skin cancer, that is the kind of cancer LO is claiming she had, is treated with a minor surgery and that is it. the whole issue could be done and then maybe some follow up tests to see that the cancer is still gone and it's not appearing again. but in the vast majority of cases, the surgery to remove the cancer will be more than enough. for LO to require chemotherapy (something extremely aggressive on the body that would left her drained for months, but somehow she never showed it to anyone) then the cancer should have been in more advanced stages, advanced to other parts of her body or her blood stream. so either LO is lying about it being stage 1 cancer (which makes no sense) or her doctors lied to her about the severity of the cancer (which makes even less sense) or... she never had cancer at all and keep insisting on chemotherapy because that's the only treatment for cancer that she knows because of movies or shows. that's the only explanation that fully makes sense.

#lily orchard #lily orchard lies about cancer

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gamchawizzy · 4 months

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A life update!

It's been an unreal time lately and I apologise for the lack of art and presence. Normally I avoid sharing too much in public, but truth be told I think 7/8 years of nonstop work and escaping a bad place and bad people has finally, utterly burned me out. I also developed body pain, and given my previous medical history, I think I have to go back to the doctor for a diagosis on paper for something else.

That being said, my current gig is extremely demanding of my time and energy, and I've gotten sick several times because of it. I'm on 1.5 meals a day sometimes. I really want to quit lmao but I am feeding a family and a bunch of pets and trying to get a sibling thru college and paying the house bills. I wish I had more time to draw because drawing is what I do best and it would've been great extra income, but alas. My free time off work is spent resting and recuperating because the pain gets too much some days.

My comm queue is finally cleared but I still owe so much to my patrons and I'm very sorry for the lack of updates. For now I paused billing and it will be paused indefinitely while I catch up on all obligations and everything I owe. My hope is that it'll only be for a couple months while I get my shit together as well as streamline my online presence and social media management. I don't have much else to say but I miss art so much and yet I also feel weird about drawing, I have to redo my art habits from the ground up.

I feel a lil weird having to open all of these up because I don't want it to sound like I'm copping out, but my loved ones are already concerned. My track record with all my comms are clean so far and I intend to make good on everything I owe 😭

Will make a more formal post for current patrons and any ex-patrons who left during my hiatus, but I'll get you all either a skeb-type (pay what you want, good quality for cheap but no revisions) commission that you can avail, OR turn the total amount you pledged during my hiatus into credits you can use to get discounts on a proper commission. Let me know if that works for y'all? 👉👈

I also miss all my online friends and I hope we get to interact more soon, you guys are the realest and I hope you all are doing well 💗

Anyway update done, I wish you all very cosy holidays and good food!! I'll try to respond to people as best as I can, but any business/patron/etc related stuff feel free to dm/email me for it :'33

#life update

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magnetothemagnificent · 1 year

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If you're still okay talking about adoption stuff?

I had a hysterectomy to save my life. Every doctor I spoke to asked if I was going to keep my ovaries and reassured me that even if infertility treatment didn't work out "at least I'd be able to adopt".

It wasn't until after my surgery that I found out how horrible both the adoption and the infertility industry can be even if you do everything "right". I've already seen firsthand how awful the foster system is as well, so it really showed me that there's a lack of proper regulation no matter where the children are coming from or being placed. I already firmly believed that children are one of the most oppressed classes in our society, so this was heartbreaking even without considering my own infertility.

I wish more infertile people would take these issues as something they should be fighting for as well, rather than brushing it under the rug and hoping it just magically works out for them which happens often enough that I want to pull my hair out. But I also wish I didn't have to walk through these circles on eggshells because of how disparaging victims of these industries can be towards infertile people that want children that haven't said or done anything besides be infertile in their vicinity.

I don't mean when people talk about how infertile couples aren't owed kids or that birth parents deserve support to either abort or keep their child, even if that means infertile couples can't adopt. Those are very important conversations that need more light. But some people say truly horrible things - sometimes to infertile people's faces, including those advocating for them - such as that they should accept that they don't deserve to have kids because if they did they'd be able to have them naturally/that they're not allowed to mourn their infertility and if they do they don't care about adoptees/that having kids isn't the only way to have close relationships or a family so them being upset must mean they just wanted to take advantage of their kids so it's good they can't have any/that even being upset about it at all or needing a support group means they haven't "done the work".

Obviously, not everyone is like this and I've seen plenty of advocates call the behaviour out and even more welcome us happily, but it still makes trying to get involved nerve-wracking and makes me feel like I have to hide my infertility or risk being the punching bag for someone's trauma which... I would just like to point out is also traumatic. Infertility can be traumatizing too. It's not the same and I'm not trying to say it is, but acting like all infertile people are entitled rather than grieving doesn't help anybody. It's just the age-old issue of two traumatized groups taking their hurt out on each other and I don't see enough people acknowledging that's what's happening, y'know?

Not to mention that even people that do acknowledge that adoption needs to be reformed quickly still often act (usually without knowing the truth) like infertility treatment is an option with fewer ethical concerns when they both really, truly suck in the vast majority of cases. The utter lack of regulations for fertility treatments haunts me.

All important discussions to be had!

The infertility industry is also horrendously predatory, and there actually are a lot of intersections between the infertility industry and the adoption industry such as:

-Adopted children and donor-conceived children not having access to their medical and familial history, often running the risk of accidentally dating a sibling or being a carrier for a condition they have no idea about.

-Vulnerable people being targeted for their reproductive potential: birthing parents being targeted for their children, and people with ovaries being targeted for their eggs.

-Adopted children and donor-conceived children often facing social isolation and stigma from their peers and family.

-Little to no regulation in both industries, leading to mountains of abuse and malpractice.

I've seen incredible examples of solidarity between donor-conceived children and adoptees, and it's something that really needs to continue.

Both industries prey on childless couples by treating children like products, and cause serious harm to the children involved.

I wish I knew a perfect solution.

Until then, in order to reduce as much harm as possible, we need to:

-Get rid of the societal expectation that in order to be considered a family, a couple must have children of their own.

-Normalize non-Nuclear families. You can still have children in your life without being a legal parent- aunts/uncles, cousins, friends, etc. should all be cherished as being integral parts of a child's life. You shouldn't have to be a parent to love a child.

-Stop treating infertile people like they're failed people, and provide counseling and support for those who are infertile, and allow a space for infertile people to voice all their feelings without shame.

-Family reunification should be the top priority when it comes to foster care. While of course this is not always possible, even when the parents are out of the picture, too often, children are whisked away to foster care when their grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling, or family friend would be more than suitable and even willing to provide care for them.

-In the cases where adoption or donor conception has already occured, full-transparency must be provided for the child. This means access to their medical records and their familial records at any time.

-And lastly, center adoptees and donor-conceived children in the conversation. I am not an adoptee nor a donor-conceived child (although there are people close to me who are), and I only speak for what's already been said much better by actual adoptees and donor-conceived children.

#adoption #adoption industry #adoption reform #infertility #infertility industry

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starseneyes · 1 year

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Chenford REWIND - Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 4 Ep 14

This one might seem a little weird for me to pick out of the pile, but it really resonated with me for a few reasons that I'll get into once we dive into the Meta.

Season 4 is the era of open Tim and Lucy truly sharing in one another's lives at a level they never did before. It's needed for this episode.

So, bear with me because this is more of a "mini meta", but this episode deserves it, I think.

SPOILER ALERT: In the land of Spoilers I doth play! Merriment is to be had for those who partake of said indulgences, but for those who forsake the foreign finds, atrophy doth await. Okay, I can be a little silly because we've done this enough. Spoilers within. But I do try to write without foreknowledge of what is to come.

Everyone versed on the way this works? Excellent! I'm ready to dive in.

"... since I don't know my biological father, you know, it makes it kind of challenging."

I hate these forms with everything in me. And I. Have. Twins. So every time I start them with a new doctor, I have twice as many forms that have to be filled out in the same time as most parents get for one. So, I'm with you, Lucy.

Also, I remember the first time I had to fill out a School Form after meeting my biological father. I was a lot younger, but I remember my absolute confusion. "Mama, am I Hispanic?" "Just mark 'white'," she responded. Yeah... it was an interesting season.

"Wait. Your Dad's not your bio dad?" "Mmnm." "You never told me that." "It's not really a big deal. My Dad, the man who raised me, is my Dad."

Absolutely, Lucy! Blood does not determine fatherhood.

I remember an episode of The Pretender that took the angle of "Didn't I teach you to tie a tie?" and I was a mess of blubbering crazy on the floor because "Dad" isn't owed to anyone just because they contribute biological matter to an insemination. "Dad" is a special moniker.

And, yes, I call both the man who raised me until I was 7 and my biological father "Daddy". Plus I have a step-dad. My wedding was really interesting with three Father Speeches, let me tell you!

"She told me that he was not ready to be a father..."

I do feel for Lucy's mom on this one. My biological father let his friends convince him my mother was lying... so he never wanted anything to do with me.

She had to go to court to get the blood test for... you guessed it... medical history forms, so she'd be able to fill them out accurately for me.

Yeah, Lucy doesn't owe this man anything and neither did her mom.

Wait... did I just take Mama Chen's side on something? It feels dirty...

"Hey, do you think it's weird I didn't try to find my biological dad?" "No. You don't owe the guy anything."

Thank. You. Lucy, if you're not going to listen to me (just like football teams when my Uncle's screaming at them from his couch), then please listen to your husband.

What I also love about this is that we've caught up with them mid-conversation. It's possible they were talking about this in the Shop, but I like to think that it came up between them before. Lucy's comfortable telling Tim almost anything.

For a man who tries hard to keep the Shop a "personal free zone", by Season 4 Lucy has worn him down, and he's beyond telling her to stop.

She's already versed Tim on the fertility fun, so it's completely natural for her to talk to him about this, too.

"The only thing he ever contributed to your life was measured in millimeters."

Best. Husband. Ever. Get this man an award, because he's busting out all the support for his wife while calling out this no-show sperm-contributor on his lack of parental contribution. We stan a man who thinks fatherhood demands some bloody effort.

Look, I love my bio dad and we have a great relationship. But it took a lot of work and a 13-year-old screaming at her father to put down the beer and drive because he was the adult and needed to act like it. Yeah...

"Seriously, I don't know why I bother talking to you about personal stuff." "Mission accomplished."

This cracked me up the first time I saw it! Because, Tim's beyond telling Lucy to stop talking, right? But that doesn't stop him from being a cynical bitch to get her to stop.

She gives him the look, but his gaze is safely on Bailey so he isn't instantly vaporized by meeting her eyes.

"Why don't you give us a list?" "How about giving me your number?"

Tim turns to her and does his little finger point that he did when dismissing her when they decided to ride together again as Gofer and Sergeant.

He didn't need her involved in his paperwork that night so he waves her away. This time, he's waving himself out of his conversation. Also, he doesn't want to be present so he doesn't have to write Lucy up for threatening the guy.

"Sir, are you okay?" "Do I look like I'm okay?" ... "Did you see where she went after she attacked you?" "Obviously not."

Calm down, Timmy, my boy. About 12 seconds ago you asked a man washing his blood-red, can't-open eyes with a garden hose if he was okay.

Neither one of you's doing great in the common sense department, today, so why not back off on the attitude directed my girl's way?

I've seen a small contingent of people claim Tim's changed too much from Season 1. Nah. What we've seen is a man who was at the lowest point of his life finding healing. It's gradual, but it's there.

And we see that the cynical, sarcastic, dead-pan part of him is still there. But it's not overwhelming all the other wonderful, layered parts of him like before.

Also, I speak cynicism and sarcasm, so in that I've found a kindred spirit in a fictional character.

"People suck." "Amen to that."

He's not wrong. Look, there are individuals who can be pretty amazing, but in my experience, people as a whole generally suck. That's why the kind-hearted, compassionate, considerate, empathetic humans matter so much. That's why people like Lucy matter so much.

Because in a hurting world, the hope-bringers matter. They're the ones who light a torch in the blackest night and hold it high for others to see. And as we're drawn toward that light, holding our own water-logged torches, drenched in our tears... we find warmth. We find hope.

The warmth dries out our torches, not erasing our tears, but ceasing their flow. And then, slowly, the spark within each of us returns, and we can then hold our own torches high for the next weary travelers who've lost their sense of self on the difficult trails of life.

Tim's torch is starting to spark, and he can thank Lucy for a lot of it. But, right now, he's reminding us that he's one of us... still not all the way out of the dark.

Lucy twitches her hand at Tim's remark, almost a "Are you kidding me!?", but Tim doesn't see it.

"Is it better to know? Or to not?" "You talking about bio dad now?"

Kitty! My husband says that to me every time I cock my head to the side in response to something he says. It reminds him of his kitties he grew up with.

So, as soon as Tim cocked his head, I thought "kitty!" and promptly erupted into laughter in an empty room like a madwoman.

But I love how well Tim can read her. There are still times he checks in with her with a "You okay?", but we're seeing the evolution of his understanding of Lucy. He's grown in his understanding of her, and right now he knows exactly where her mind has gone.

And how special is it that she's working through this with Tim?

Look, family stuff can be complicated and we've already seen Lucy's issues with her mother. Tim has likely had several earfuls of all this, but I love how supportive he's being of her, here.

He's not telling her what to do. And that immediately throws me to post-DOD when he didn't tell her what to do with her tattoo. There's a consistency here that I appreciate.

Also, I love this growth compared to when she was vetting Emmett. She pretended to talk to Rachel (not this Rachel... but I'll totally be her second Rachel BFF if Lucy Chen, fictional character, is looking for a new BFF). And when Tim called her on it, she admitted she needs to process orally and knew he wouldn't do it with her.

Look. How. Far. We've. Come. Tim doesn't have to be talked into it. In fact, he's the one who drew it out of her when she started waxing poetic Shakespeare style—"To know, or not to know?"

Tim is Lucy's sounding board, now. Losing Jackson was huge. And while Lucy loves Tamara and talks to her a lot, it's not the same thing since there's more of a mother/daughter relationship at play.

And as someone with incredibly odd parent/child dynamics, I'm not judging. Just saying, it's different.

But in the vacuum that stole Jackson from Lucy's life, there will never be someone to fill that space completely. Yet, certain elements transferred near-seamlessly to Tim. Tim and Lucy are friends, and they are deeply involved in one another's lives, at this point.

Remember, we are post double-date, post Tim's father, post Lucy helping with demo, post so many other things that moved them forward in Season 4. Walls were torn down between them.

It's that thinnest veil now keeping them apart. That, and their placeholder significant others because, wow, were we dealing with some dead weight in Season 4, am I right?

Tim tells Lucy to find out the truth, and I love that. He's encouraging her in this endeavor on the same day he told her "mission accomplished" in scaring her off. He's still Tim. He's still going to be a bit of an ass, sometimes.

But, damnit, he's making more and more exceptions for Lucy. And he doesn't even realize it, yet. But we get the delicious point-of-view of watching it happen, and I love this for them!

"The year your mother became a therapist, she slept with a patient. He was your father... I think the shame still eats her up."

Hold. Up. Mama Condescending slept with her patient!? That is one of the rules you do not break. So rather than own up to her mistake, even with her own daughter, she tried to mold Lucy into the model of perfection without consideration for the psychological damage she might be inflicting?

Oh, Mama Chen and I are gonna fight the next time her face appears on my screen. You don't do my girl Lucy dirty like that.

It's totally in-character. Like, it makes sense. But it also hurts. Because "the shame still eats her up". Lucy's mind can't help but wonder if part of that shame is her.

"You okay?"

Hubby knows when wifey's acting off. And he knows it has something to do with her father. So, he's not going into this blind. Tim Bradford is asking Lucy Chen about her state of mind knowing it's personal.

"Personal Life Free Zone" my ass.

"My whole life, nothing I have ever done has been good enough for my mom. Not, not my grades, my boyfriends, my career. And this whole time she has been a total hypocrite." "Look, uh, maybe she's trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes she did."

Oooh, swing and a miss. Tim, you can't help someone avoid repeating history if they don't know history.

Also, Lucy's never gonna sleep with a suspect, which is the closest equivalence I can make. She may sleep with a certain Sergeant, though, down the line. Am I right?

I've wondered for a while, too, if Tim has a soft spot for Moms considering everything he went through with his own Mom. From what we can tell, he tried to shield her and protect her even when he knew things were bad with his father.

My brother and I had a bad string of babysitters when my mother first became a single Mom. She divorced my brother's dad shortly after her mother died, and it was just the three of us.

We knew how bad it was. How hard it was for her to find good sitters. When we finally found a decent one who would let us stay over at her place when needed... we hid it from my mother when she and her husband got into a physical altercation in front of us.

I was about 7 and my brother was 3. He didn't quite understand what was going on, so as my Nanny ripped us out of bed and drove around town half the night looking for a place to stay... I distracted him. I played games with him.

And as we fell asleep foot-to-foot on her mother's couch across town, I was satisfied to know he didn't understand what was happening. I managed to protect him.

And I protected my mother, too, by not telling her. Because I wanted to shield her. I didn't want her to have one more thing to worry about.

Tim strikes me as a kindred soul in that. So, he looks at Lucy's mother and doesn't quite see the whole picture. After all, he hasn't even met the lady... yet.

Oh, but when Tim Bradford meets Mama Chen and sees the bullshit she puts Lucy through? He's gonna have his wife's back and it's going to be a glorious minute twenty-five of television that I will play on repeat to my heart's content.

"Or she resents me for reminding her of the one time in her life that she messed up."

There it is. The shame. Is that why Mama Chen is always ashamed of her? Lucy has to wonder.

"Lucy, it's..."

No, phone. Not now! I have never wanted to chuck a phone out the window so badly as I did when Lucy's chirped just then.

Because Tim Bradford knows a thing or two about a parent who makes you feel ashamed of yourself. And I really want to know what he was going to say.

One of y'all better have a fanfic to fill in the blanks because, whew, if I find Lucy's phone alone in a back alley, one of us isn't coming back.

Yes, I know I have a beef with an inanimate object and that the whole bloody thing's fictional.

But damnit, I want Tim to have the opportunity to speak love into Lucy's life as often as possible and that. phone. killed. my. dream.

"Patrick Walsh. That's my father's name." "Well, I mean, at least it's not something weird like Dilbert." "You mean like the cartoon character?" "Someone named their kid Hashtag. You never know."

I love this. Tim falls into their natural rhythm, and Lucy goes along with him. It actually coaxes a smile out of her, which is what I think he was trying to do.

Awww, our babies have graduated to responding to one another's needs wordlessly. I'm so proud of them!

"So, what are you gonna do?" "Find out the truth."

She's echoing Tim's exact words to him, which I love. But I also love that Tim is driving this whole conversation.

Mr. "Personal Life Is a No-Go On The Job" is the one coaxing this out of Lucy. Because he knows her well enough to know that she'll stew on it, otherwise. If he wants her focused on work, he has to get her through those personal blocks by talking it out.

This whole episode is a love letter to Tim's understanding of Lucy and how far they have come. Yes, he gave her a little trademark Tim at the top with his no-nonsense assessment of ejaculation's lack of causality to actually being a parent.

But, throughout this episode, he's been the one driving the conversation. He's been the one drawing her out. And he's been the one supporting her in this, which is huge.

They. Have. Come. So. Far.

"He's dead."

I can't even imagine. All of these scenarios Lucy built up in her head, and they're just gone.

I met my Dad at 6. He got clean when I was in my 20's, and that is when we truly bonded. But I've had friends meet their biological fathers into their 40's. It was a wild ride.

And though Lucy loves her Dad (the one who raised her), she was curious about this man who fathered her.

A girlfriend of mine was fascinated when she met her biological father and found out he was an artist... like her. It was so cool for her to connect those dots, even though she still recognized the man who raised her as her real father (because blood ≠ "real"). There was a piece of her that she'd never seen in another human, before, and that was cool.

Lucy will never have those moments. And wanting them doesn't mean she loves her Dad any less. She simply wanted to meet the man who fathered her, to know that piece of herself a little better.

"Maybe I should have tried to find him sooner." "Maybe, but he's the one who made the decision that he wasn't ready to be a parent. Whatever he did with his life after, it's not on you."

All. Of. This. And you can tell Lucy's not completely convinced, because what kid is? Yes, Lucy is a grown woman. But when it comes to our parents, we'll always be their kids.

Lucy hasn't had the best examples of functional relationships. And, frankly, neither has Tim. Neither of them know what it looks like to really work through.

We can argue that Tim was married before, but that didn't work out. For a million reasons, it didn't work out.

And this whole "egg" thing started because Lucy's Mom wanted to be sure she'd have grandchildren even if Lucy never found the right man. And that led Lucy down the path to finding her birth-father... only to find out he died. alone.

If she had reached out sooner, could she have changed that? And, Lucy, honey, I know that "what if" game oh so well. It never ends if you keep playing it. So, you have to step away.

And, you. Yes, YOU! Don't play the what-if game. None of us can change our pasts, but we can shift our paths.

Our past is written, but the future's as twisty and turny as my kids' favorite board game. Lots of options. Lots of opportunities. Don't limit yourself because of the past. Don't "what-if" your life away.

Do what you can with what you have, and bit-by-bit, you'll build a new life. One breath at a time.

As always, thank you for reading. See you on the next!

#Chenford #Lucy Chen #Tim Bradford #Melissa O'Neil #Eric Winter #Meta #The Rookie #Lucy x Tim #Tim x Lucy

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