sorry to all the kataang shippers (edit: N O T D I R E C T E D A T K A T A A N G S H I P P E R S T H I S I S A G R I E V A N C E W I T H T H E W R I T E R S) out there but kataang genuinely skeeves me out like
hes 12. shes 14. thats so weird to me. thats so Gross to me. thats a sixth grader, a kid brand new to middle school or even still in elementary school depending on location/school district, and a freshman in highschool.
and dont even say uM aCtUaLly HeS oNe HuNdReD aNd TwElVe i do not give the faintest fuck. he has the experience, mentality, physicality, all that shit, of a twelve year old. hes twelve. thats weird, thats gross, i dint like it
no judgment to kataang shippers though (edit: some of) yall seem neato
(edit: i was 14 freshman year, i was 12 in sixth grade, im not pulling numbers and grades from my ass this is just my actual experience)
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I love hyuna so much i think she is so beautiful and talented and i love her..... but pls stop filling your lips i beg you 😭
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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on the topic of swearing, it would be so funny if yor has the vocabulary of a sailor and makes the conscious decision not to use it
like loid is sitting with his head in his hands after anya has somehow magically procured a bad word in her vocabulary and is like "i have no idea what to do. how is this happening. what if this is the start of a downwards spiral and she becomes a swear-slinging second grader and they expel her from eden" and yor giggles like "im sure once she learns the words the novelty will wear off, that's what it was like for me" and he's like "?? what it was like for you?" fully imagining that the worst word yor knows is like, crap or damn or something because she's so gentle and softspoken
and yor goes on like "yeah! like for example when i was a kid and learned *BEEEEEEP* or *BEEP BEEP* or *BEEEEEEEEEP BEEEP BEEP* i stopped using them after a while!" and she goes on and gives some more of the most filthy, gritty examples in existence
and loid is sitting there - mind you this man was in the Army so he is no stranger to swearing, but he is sitting there gobsmacked and face REDDENED from the absolute verbal weaponry yor is expelling with a smile on her face
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