#I feel closer to the old gods at 4am

[kwallanghae]

thirst | wen junhui

member: wen junhui - seventeen

content: comedy, vampire! junhui, reader who does not believe in the supernatural

summary: junhui can’t let anyone know about his darkest secret, and luckily even when staring directly at it, you refuse to believe in silly things like vampires.

word count: 1.2k

warnings: description of blood and drinking blood, language (cursing), hospital setting, mentions of masturbation, somewhat suggestive

ahhhh thank you so much for 100 followers! this is a quick drabble i wrote just to say thank you (and also ever since limbo came out i’ve been itching to write about vampire junhui)

Jun drank hungrily, feeling drips fall down his cheek. He wiped at the corners of his mouth, greedily licking up every last drop. God, there was something so humiliating about it all. The hiding in the shadows, the stealing, the thirst, the bloodlust. Yet, as he finally quenched his ever growing thirst, Jun couldn’t find it in himself to care. All he wanted was to drink, and in the storeroom of his local hospital at 4AM, that was what he was going to do. 

He knew he was getting sloppy. Every so often a pained moan would slip from his stained lips, or blood would fall to the floor, staining the carpet. He wanted to hiss at every wasted droplet, but all he could do was drink with more and more fervour.

“What the fuck?”

That was, until the lights of the hallway shone onto him, hunched over several empty bloodbags, with crimson lines along the sides of his mouth, and you staring at him in disgust. 

“I swear, it’s not-“

You rolled your eyes, pulling on your gloves before stepping into the closet, grabbing at the empty bloodbags. “Three bags? C’mon man. You better be donating loads to make up for this.”

Junhui’s eyes were wide at your behaviour, and he licked his fingers, wiping away at the blood on his cheeks, swallowing a moan as he got one last taste of the sweetness. 

“Aren’t you… scared?” He whispered, only for you to groan, jabbing at his shoulder with a pointed finger.

“You’re really committing to this bit, aren’t you?”

“Huh?”

“Come on!” You walked over to the bin, dropping the bags in the liner, and closing the lid. “You were moaning as if you were mid orgasm, in a hospital. During your shift, I might add. I mean, I know not much happens in graveyard hours, but still.” As you spoke, he got closer and closer, still hazy from his latest feed. And the fact that he was interrupted before he could finish. And now you were right there. “It’s like you wanted to be walked in on. Honestly, I thought you were jacking off.”

“WHAT?”

“Get over yourself, what I saw is even weirder.” Junhui knew he couldn’t argue that. His composure was weak, threatening to slip away entirely. Your scrubs were fairly form fitting, but you had one pair that was just one size too big, and those just happened to be the ones you had picked out today, leaving your collar and neck particularly exposed. Junhui wondered what would happen if he trapped you in a corner. What noises you would make if he just…

“Stop staring at me like that you weeb. God, are you still horny?”

He gasped, taking a step away from you. “I am not a weeb!”

“Oh? Then what are you?” You challenged, your tone bored. Junhui was filled with rage. You should be terrified! 

“Isn’t it obvious?” He asked, stepping towards you, flashing you a look of his pearly, sharp teeth. You didn’t step back, but you didn’t exactly make a move to get any closer either. 

“Junhui, I don’t know what you think people are into, but the whole gamer aesthetic, never goes into the sun or eats fruits and vegetables, and uses cheesy lines like ‘stay away’ is really old. You’re not from twilight.”

What. 

“It’s not a bit, wait, I go out.”

“I’ve literally never seen you when it’s not pitch black. And you’re so pale.”

“It’s a skin condition!”

“Yeah, sure. Tell yourself that. Just get out and get some vitamin D, please.”

You moved towards the door, and Junhui’s bruised ego almost let you, but he was filled with a sudden determination, and slammed the door closed before you could let yourself out. He couldn’t let you go, not after what you had just seen. And you smelled oh so good…

“I’m not letting you leave so easily.” He whispered huskily. He waited for your reaction, for the swallowed gulps, the whine, the whimpers, the- wait why were you rolling your eyes again?

“Again, Junhui, this isn’t really my thing. You’re like two seconds from putting cat ears on me and nibbling on my neck.” 

Junhui couldn’t stop himself. He wished he could, but it slipped so easily. 

“Did you just… moan?” Junhui was so fucked. “Oh my god! Do you like me or something? I’m not gonna lie, you’re hot and all, but you’re so fucking weird, man. Stop drinking blood to make yourself seem emo.”

“I’m not doing this to seem emo!”

“Fine, goth, whatever. Just let me leave please, I have a long shift and I don’t need you humping my leg.”

He slammed his hand above your head, trapping you between him and the wall. “It’s not to seem emo. I need to feed.” You were silent. Junhui smirked, he had finally gotten you to shut up. That was, until you started giggling. 

“Hahahaha, wait, are you saying- hmmhhhh- that you’re a vampire? HA! Hahahahaha!” You could barely speak through fits of laughter, doubling over to hold your stomach. If he was human, Junhui would have gone red in the face. 

“Stop laughing!”

“Oh my god, I’m going to start crying.”

He hit his hand against the wall in frustration, which of course, only made you laugh more. You began chewing on your bottom lip to control your giggles, but if you kept doing that, you were going to break skin. Two minutes ago, Junhui was scared he was going to do something that risked exposing him, not something that instead risked your teasing laughter and his ever growing sense of humiliation. He dropped his head so it was aligned with your neck, that shook and bobbed as you laughed, taking a sneaky whiff.

“Stop smelling me, loser. You’re not gonna convince me you’re a vampire.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up! You occultist.”

The closer he was to you, the more his hunger grew, and the more your laughter frustrated him. Junhui swore, four more seconds like this and he was going to do something he would regret. With all the strength he had, he pulled himself away, off the walls, allowing you space to leave.

“Aww, are you embarrassed now?” You laughed. “Serves you right for stealing all that blood. You better find some B- donors soon.”

Junhui kept his gaze trained on the floor, trying his best to let his bloodlust subside. Your giggles slowly died down, and you moved away, patting his shoulder sweetly. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about this.” You told him, and he looked at you in surprise. “Yeah, weirdly enough, this isn’t the first time I’ve seen one of you interns drinking blood. Soonyoung, in pediatrics, I caught him doing the same thing.”

Junhui smirked. How have you seen this multiple times and remained so blissfully ignorant of his true nature?

“Promise?”

You nodded, and quickly leaned towards him. His breath hitched as you placed a delicate kiss on the corner of his mouth. If you were more observant, you would have tasted the traces of blood still there. You winked at him, walking out of the closet, closing the door behind him. 

How sweet.

i’m not entirely sure what this is or what it’s turned into, but i hope you enjoy!!

[light-yaers]

Right Where You Left Me: Chapter Three

Fic Masterpost | AO3

Warnings: swearing, alcohol, implied sexual content, flirting, eventual sexual content/smut, 18+

Find the chapter list here

Word Count: 6.4k

Chapter Three

The anxiety eats away at you every day, up until try outs. You study and attend lectures with Heidi, you read until 4am, you wake up worried. Sometimes, you find yourself looking at your phone as if waiting for something; for time to stop, for the clock to change, for you to be shoved into your fourteen-year-old sleeping body as if this was all some horrible dream. 

You see Poe a few times around campus, but it’s minimal. Honestly, if you weren’t already aware of his existence, you probably wouldn’t have noticed him in the bustling halls or the giant cafeteria or reading textbooks on the bleachers when suddenly lacrosse practice starts. 

That’d happened two days after Snap’s party, and you’d all but fled before Poe could even approach you. Snap had waved, though. You’d waved back as fast as you could before grabbing your things and getting the fuck off the field. 

It still felt odd, knowing that he was here. 

It felt surreal. 

God, if you could have it your way, you never would have seen the man again just to make both of your lives easier. A blissful existence away from the torment of your shared childhood trauma—

But no; nowhe lives ten minutes away from you all over again. 

And you still can’t talk about it properly. A lump the size of fucking Jupiter still pops up in both of your throats as soon as that silence trickles over you, where you’re both left with that nagging part of your brains that’s yelling TALK TO EACH OTHER. 

“Couples therapy could work?” Heidi suggests in the library, and you snort so loud you garner some head turns to your table. “What!” she whispers harshly. “It could work,”

“Shut the fuck up,” you blurt out in spluttering whispers, almost crying with laughter over your book notes. 

“You guys talked though, right?” 

“Define talked?” you reply quietly, flipping through the thick and rubbery pages of your poem anthology. 

“Said words to each other about things that you needed to talk about after seven years?” she muttered quickly. 

“If that’s what that means then sure, we talked. Sort of,” you reply. 

“Sort of? Only you and Poe could sort of talk to each other—,”

“Hey,” you whisper harshly, as Heidi’s voice raises ever so slightly in volume; enough for other tables to hear. “The library is not exactly a prime location for having this conversation, is it?”

Heidi smiles at you deviously. “That’s exactly what you and Dameron say to each other when you get close to talking,”

You lob the anthology at her without any hesitation. The two of you promptly leave the library after. 

“If I lose library privileges because of you, prepare to feel my fucking wrath,” you threaten her outside, as the two of you bound down the stairs with giggles on your lips. 

“You’re cute when you threaten me,” Heidi sends you a smug smile. 

You only have enough energy to roll your eyes at her, before the clock tower strikes six o’clock in the evening. Your heart drops into your stomach—an hour to go until try outs. Heidi sees your expression falter and takes a reassuring step closer to you. 

“Don’t stress, girl. He’s not worth it,” she says smartly. “Besides—he was the one that practically begged you to try out for his team,”

“That’s the part that makes me feel even more stressed, funnily enough,” you let out, as the two of you stroll around campus in the beginnings of the autumn sunset. “What if he’s playing me?” 

Heidi immediately snorts. “Poe Dameron is not capable of playing anyone when it comes to lacrosse. Women? Sure, he’s a dickhead. This is his game, girl. He wouldn’t fuck it up for anyone, especially not himself,” 

“What if he invited me to try out just so he can humiliate me?” 

Heidi’s expression turns thoughtfully sad when the words leave your mouth. She turns her gaze to the walkway ahead of her, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly as you continue to stroll in silence. 

You’d never seen Heidi so... silent. Quietly picking the correct words to use, taking her time to sound out the sentence in her mind before her mouth actually said it. 

“You really don’t see what I see, do you?” she says finally, and you don’t know how to react to something that sounds so serious. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” you let out lowly, swallowing back some anxiety that had made its way up your throat. Heidi looks down at the ground, at a loss for words. You stop abruptly on the walkway, confused. “Heidi?”

She lifts her head up and sighs. “It’s nothing. It doesn’t matter,” 

“Hey—,” you begin, but she cuts you off when she turns to you with a smile and places her hands on your shoulders comfortably. 

“Enough Poe talk,” she says quickly, beaming at you like sunshine. “Go and kick his ass on the field,” 

“You’re not coming?” you say sadly.

“Closed practice, girl. Always is for try outs,” 

It was oddly sad when Heidi left, leaving you on your own in the centre of campus. The lacrosse field was behind the cafeteria, so you strolled there while you had the time. The entire walk you felt sick—that empty feeling in the bottom of your stomach where you might need to eat, but the thought of food also made you want to vomit. 

The sunset loomed over the field warmly, but all you felt inside was a bitter cold that you knew you wouldn’t be able to shake until you had a stick in your hands and boots on your feet. 

The changing rooms were standard—pasty cinder block walls and a smell that reminds you of chlorine, despite the pool being on the other side of campus. They’re empty, much to your delight. There will be others soon, other girls and women and men all mixed together on a muddy field, shouting and aiming at each other for fun. 

Was this fun? Was it ever?

Poe had always been a major reason you’d enjoyed the sport growing up, but after he left, he ended up taking a portion of that passion with him. You still watched games when you could, still loved going to live matches, but there was a certain shine that no longer surrounded lacrosse in your mind—

Until now, maybe. 

You drop your bag to the floor and rummage through it clumsily, picking out some shorts, a sports bra and a shirt. You don’t have lacrosse boots anymore, just running trainers, but they’ll have to do for now. 

You strip in silence, rhythmically folding your clothes before shoving the sports bra over your head and squishing your breasts into it. Whoever invented the sports bra was a saint in your eyes—comfort, sometimes stylish, giving you the ability to run up and down the stairs without your ladies falling out. 

You drop your trousers, ready to jump into some shorts when the changing room door bursts open—

“... and so, I said to her; I have a stick, you have a vodka and lemonade, who do you think is going to win?” the first woman inside was saying, right before three others followed her into the room. You panicked and froze as the main girl stopped abruptly. “Oh,” she let out bouncily. “You’re Poe’s friend,” 

Poe’s friend. 

You chuckle awkwardly while pulling up the shorts quickly, almost stumbling over your own feet. She comes forward with a harsh face—stern eyes, black as night hair. Even though she’s shorter than you, she intimidates you beyond belief for someone you’ve only just met. 

“I’m—” you start, but she cuts you off as everyone else files into the changing room. 

“Poe’s friend, I know,” she repeats, stopping when she’s face to face with you. “I’m Jessika,” she sticks out her hand abruptly, you take it clumsily. “He told us a friend of his would be trying out—,”

“We’re not...” you cut over her, hating the way the words sound on your tongue. “We just know each other,” you pull your hand away. Jessika ties up her hair with furrowed brows, swinging her bag down onto the floor next to yours. 

“Oh?” she lets out. “Is there some beef here that I’m missing?” 

“You were that drunk girl at the start of the semester, right?” a voice cuts through from the other side of the room. She’s blonde; petite yet tall; massive fucking eyes. You swallow uncomfortably. 

“Oh!” Jessika exclaims. “That was you? The mystery person that Poe swung over his shoulder and up to his room, huh?” 

“It’s not like that,” you say lowly, stuffing your neatly folded clothes into your bag in subtle anger. 

“He missed our date because of you,” the blonde girl adds, sending you a stare that can only mean the entire ordeal pissed her off. 

I had a date. 

Oh, don’t let me ruin a momentous night of uncomfortable car sex, Poe. 

You grimace slightly, sending her an apologetic look, despite how uncomfortable and almost angry you feel. “Sorry about that,” you say. The blonde shrugs. 

“Whatever. He never asked to reschedule, anyway,” 

“His loss,” another girl chimes in, before the room fell into an awkward kind of silence once more. Just the shuffling of feet, the folding of clothes and the brushing of hair was heard. You slumped down on a bench, pulling on some socks before putting on your trainers. 

Jessika slowly migrates back to the other girls, some of which look nervous. At a guess, you’d say they’re all friends— but still newbies who thought they’d give lacrosse a try. 

It’s now that you start to doubt yourself. 

The anxiety creeps in, like a fly shimmying through a window. Silently, until there’s an incessant buzzing that travels around the room, until it eventually settles around your head. You haven’t played lacrosse in fucking years—not properly. Throwing and catching a ball with a stick occasionally is not the same as staying in shape. 

You haven’t played with a team since you played a charity match at age 17; haven’t had proper field boots since 16; haven’t played alongside Poe since 14...

God—this is a bad fucking idea—

“Okay, ladies!” Jessika erupts, clacking forward on the studs of her boots. “Let’s go out there and show them what you’re made of!”

Your brain short-circuits on the way outside. The sun sets over the trees on the edge of campus as you make your way to the field. The boys are already there, jumping on the spot and stretching on the floor.

Your eyes immediately found his—hazel, deep, staring off into space before he caught the sight of you. The smallest of smiles stuck onto his lips, just for a second, before it disappeared into thin air once more. Poe stuck out like a sore thumb out of the rest of the team and those trying out. It was like he had a sticker on his forehead that screamed I’m the fucking Captain. 

“Okay!” he yells enthusiastically as everyone gathers around. “Welcome to lacrosse try outs. If this if your first time, line up over there,” he points to the right. You shuffle yourself over to where he points, followed by two more girls and almost ten men. 

Jessika stays by Poe with her arms crossed, eyeing everyone up as if they’re a steak she’s about to cut into. 

“Jess and I will act as judges while you do a series of drills and penalties. We only have space for three on the starting team and four subs. That means that five of you aren’t gonna make it this string,” some of the lads at the back started muttering under their breath as Poe spoke, no doubt about what was at stake. 

All you could dare to focus on was his nose while he was talking, not knowing how to keep eye contact with him in this scenario; or any scenario currently. 

He had a big nose. Always had. When he was younger it made his face look smaller, but now it fit in with the rest of his features and razor-sharp jaw. He was just... grown. It was still something you were innately coming to terms with whenever you looked at him. 

“Alright—let’s go!” Poe announces with a clap, and then you’re off. 

The first twenty minutes of drills and sprints almost wipe you out, but you eventually get into a rhythm. Your body stops and starts with the ease of a car engine, burning your lungs and making your limbs and muscles scream with every push and jump and pump. 

But it feels nice. It feels familiar and different at the same time. The static lull of pushing forward when you know you’re almost at breaking point, the way your bones ache every time you stop moving, the pounding of your heart beneath your ribcage that only tells you one thing—

You’re alive. You’re tired and you’re pushing, and Poe is watching your every move, but you’re fucking alive. 

It’s a great feeling. 

When you complete their circuit in under three minutes, Jessika turns to Poe and whispers something in his ear. He smiles smally and ducks his head down, as if he doesn’t want anyone to see the expression he just made. 

“Huddle up,” he announces after an hour, and everyone gathers round, huffing and puffing and ready to absolutely collapse; but you know this tactic. They’re only just getting started. “Squat, sit,” he says, gesturing to the ground. Some people fully crumple—you’re almost one of them. “Good moves out there. Jess and I have been watching and, wow, there’s potential here. Really great, guys,” 

He's playing good cop. 

“But,” Jess chimes in, peering down at everyone as she stands above Poe. “There’s still work to be done. Lots of fucking work,” 

She’s playing bad cop. 

“Which is why, we’re going to play a game,” 

“A game?” one of the guys at the back lets out, wheezing slightly as he speaks. 

“A game,” Poe repeats his words, as a mischievous smile appears on his pretty boy face. 

Oh no.

“Strip tag,” he says finally, and the audible groan you let out makes everyone turn to you immediately. Poe’s eyes find yours in an instant, but his smile is still there. If anything it gets bigger. “Is there a problem?” he says, perking a brow at you. 

You don’t know what comes over you, but all of a sudden your mind is completely clear. “Oh no, nothing’s wrong,” you let out, pulling a stray strand of hair behind your ear. “I was waiting for when we’d all be forced into playing a convoluted game at the expense of those who over worked themselves in the first half,” 

Jessika is speechless when she looks down at her Captain, but Poe lets out one static laugh. 

“You sound like you’ve done this before,” he lets out. 

“A long time ago,” you reply sternly, reminding him that this buddy-buddy act isn’t going to work on you at all. 

“Then why don’t you start us off,” he says, and you’re too stubborn and angry and tired all at once to back down from his obvious challenge. 

“Fine,” you agree.

“Fine,” he repeats. 

There’s probably nothing more embarrassing than being a grown woman, playing tag, and having to chase people you don’t know around a field. Poe and Jessika join in when they see the laughs and smiles everyone dons, and luckily for you it’s not long until you tag someone. 

The poor guy stops and takes off his shirt awkwardly, but Poe yells out a “Look at that oncoming six pack!” comment that makes him chuckle instantly. With every person tagged, everyone chants and cheers when they have to strip off a piece of clothing, and running in between breaks everyone out in a happy sweat. 

You’ll hand it to Poe and Jessika—you’d misjudged their methods. But this; this stupid game between adults; was bringing everyone together faster than you could have ever imagined. 

When Poe gets caught, the whoops go off the charts. The Captain gives up gracefully, before whipping his shirt off and throwing it behind his shoulder without a care. He scans the field, picking his next target while everyone cowers in fake fear.

A snort escapes your lips at the sight of him—serious, shirtless, looking like some sort of caveman ready to hunt. His stare meets you then, and you know you’ve fucked up. 

“Poe,” you let out, stepping back slowly as he begins treading towards you. “No,” you say sternly, but it only acts as his motive. 

He sprints at you full pelt, and all you can do is attempt to run away. It’s useless though, you didn’t need to properly know Poe to know that he could outrun you. Everyone laughs as his palm eventually places itself in the centre of your back. You slow down, defeated, as he huffs and puffs in subtle laughter. 

“Go on, then,” he splutters out, hands on his knees. You breathe deeply as you grab the hem of your shirt and pull it over your head. It’s not a big deal—sports bras cover everything up—it’s just the fact that you and Poe are now face to face, bare chest to almost bare chest. 

“You run fast,” is all you can say as your shirt drops to the floor. 

“I’m bigger than I used to be,” he says lowly, and you could have sworn his eyes fucking glinted before he ran off in the opposite direction once more. 

You continue running, continue chasing, until everyone’s been tapped at least once. Poe avoids getting hit another three times, slaloming out of the way of people as their lungs start to give way. 

When you get caught a second time, you take off your shoe in a huff and pull off your sock quickly. “The shorts stay on,” you say, laughing through your nose. Your cheeks are burning, your chest hurting, your legs ready to give in. 

“One more turn!” Jessika yells, and now you know what you must do. Poe got you once, it was your turn to get him. He’s tuckered out, you can tell. His brow is drenched in sweat and his chest is glistening as it heaves. He’s tired—which makes him a perfect target. 

When he catches your eye it’s like he knows what you’re about to do. You start sprinting immediately, heading straight for him with your hand outstretched. You half expect him to run, to at least try, but it’s like he’s been waiting for this—

He stays still, peering down at you knowingly as you slow and send him a quizzical look. He just smiles, and you gently press your palm to his chest. 

“You’re it,” you say, timidly from the unexpectedness of him just accepting that you caught him. 

“Damn,” is all he says, and he’s already undoing the strings of his shorts. Chortles and oooo’s traverse the field. Jessika lets out a wolf whistle when Poe drops his shorts to the floor, fully exposing himself in his boxers to his future teammates.

You take a haste step back, not knowing what to think of the entire situation. He’s staring at you, not intensely, but intentionally, as he steps out of his shorts and picks them up swiftly. He whacks them over his shoulder in defeat, standing up straight as you try not to look there. 

It’s not that you want to, it’s just... present. The urge to take in his entire form is inescapable when you’re face to face with him. All muscles and tan skin and curls covered in spots of sweat. 

God, he knows what he’s doing. He must know. 

Is this him showing off? Or is it something else?

You gulp in air when you realise you’ve been stood, frozen, for the entire time it took him to strip. You don’t want him to notice though, so you let out a sarcastic “Comfortable?” to him. 

His grin is enough to stake you through the heart. “There’s a nice breeze,” 

You let out a guttural chuckle, turning away and strolling back to the rest of the team while looking at the floor. There’s a fire invading your cheeks and you don’t know why—you don’t want to know why. 

Bastard. 

“Right!” Jessika takes over, as everyone collects their lost items of clothing from the field. Poe saunters over to her at the edge of the field, all too happy to be prancing around in his boxers and boots. “Well done, guys. Really well done,” 

“Fixtures will be posted outside the sports office next week,” Poe cuts in, and just like that it’s finished. You allow yourself to drop to the floor and pull off your trainers. After two hours of running around without studs, your calves are killing you. You still only don one sock, the other being lost on the field somewhere. 

Leaning back, you look at the world above you. Clouds dot the ever-darkening sky and your heartbeat is running circles around your nervous-system. It’s a good feeling though, oddly soothing, despite the pain in your limbs and the obvious aches that you’ll have tomorrow. 

You’re shot out of your gentle cool-down by a sock hitting you in the face. 

“Forgot this,” Poe says, coming into view and peering down at you. From this angle, it’s impossible not to gawk. He’s put his shorts back on, but his shirt is still nowhere to be seen. He has such long legs, the kind where you can see a clear line between his calves and thighs. His chest heaves gently as he continues to catch his breath, and from here you can see the outline of his pectorals. 

You look away quickly, not wanting him to notice your scanning gaze, but your eye catches his left ankle. A small tattoo peaks out over his sock, no bigger than a quarter. “What’s this?” you chide, prompting him to drop to the floor and join you. 

Sitting up, you run your fingers through your damp hair. 

“Tattoo,” he replies. You let out a scoff. 

“Oh, I just thought it was a really big mole,” you let out sarcastically. Poe pulls down his sock as you lean back on your hands. He twists his ankle towards you, so you can see it fully. 

“The moon,” you say gently, as your eyes traverse the ink under his skin. It’s small, but detailed. Easily identifiable as a full moon, with all its craters and shading on one side. You have the urge to reach out and run your fingers over it, but you bite it away. 

Poe looks at you while you take in the design, eyes scuttling over your sweat dotted brow and your raggedy looking hair, but your eyes are glinting with something that he hadn’t seen since you’d reunited— fun, maybe? Comfortability? A sense of belonging. 

“Why the moon?” you finally question, and Poe sucks in a breath. 

He’s doing that look again, the one where he’s deciding about whether or not to lie. The cogs in his brain whir and splutter while you wait for an answer, but this time you didn’t want him to lie. You want him say what it truly means, because that’ll mean you’re slightly less than strangers. That’ll mean you know something real about him after so long. 

“It’s just cool,” he says, and there’s a certain aura of disappointment in his voice that you can immediately pinpoint. 

Not disappointment at your question, but disappointment because he can’t tell you the truth. Not yet, maybe not ever, but definitely not now. 

You shoot him a sad look, not meaning to be so exposing about the blow that you feel towards his response. 

Why did you lie, Poe? Why did you lie again?

“Cool,” you let out, trying to be as blunt as possible, but the upset in your voice is so prominent that you wish you’d said fuck all. You stand then, trying to act nonchalant as you dangle your trainers from your fingers and stuff your sock into one of your shoes. 

When you start to walk away, you spot Poe’s shirt two meters to your right. You detour quickly and pick it up, choosing to throw it casually at the back of his head. He flinches as it hits him, but you’re already strolling away when you say “Forgot this,” with your back turned. 

He doesn’t reply, just stays sitting on the field as the dew starts to settle and the moon starts to be visible over the treeline. 

You’re the last to leave the changing rooms, taking your time as you run a brush through your dishevelled hair and wash your face at one of the sinks. You could shower here, but none of the other girls have and honestly you can’t think of anything worse than washing up in a university changing room. The very thought irks you. 

But still, you allow yourself to relax as you gather your gear and slip on your clean clothes over your very not clean skin. You try not to think about him, about Poe, but it’s impossible to bat away the incessant questions that race through your mind. 

His behaviour during try-outs, his decision to lie to your face again afterwards. 

He frustrates you to oblivion. You don’t know where the fuck you stand and both of you are incapable of actually talking about it. You want to know if you’re cool, if you’re destined to only be half-strangers to each other for your remaining years at college and beyond, if you’re—God forbid—almost friends again. 

If there was one thing Poe always did, it was complicating things beyond belief. 

Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you leave the fluorescent lightbulbs of the changing rooms and shove open the door—just to shit yourself. You jump back immediately and let out a small squeal when your eyes register him. 

Poe’s stood directly outside the door, hand outstretched as he was about to knock and enter, and your heart has just catapulted out of your chest and into the palm of his fucking hand. 

“Ffffucking hell—,” you whisper shakily, clutching at your chest as you realise he is not a serial killer that’s come to murder you while you changed alone. 

“Fuck—sorry, sorry, sorry,” he steps back immediately, putting his hands up as if he’s got a gun to his chest. “Bad timing,”

“Bad fucking timing, Poe,” you breathe out, but it comes out with a chuckle of relief. 

“I was just checking if you—,” he coughs. “If you wanted to walk back together?”

You squint at him subtly. “My dorm is the other side of campus to the frats,” 

“I’m visiting a friend that way,” 

A friend. 

“Okay,” you say, but Poe doesn’t register it as an answer. You have to nod at him and repeat “Okay, Poe,” for him to understand. He smiles to himself as the two of you leave the changing room doorframe and step in line together, headed for your building a fifteen-minute walk away. 

You think he’s going to talk first, but that thought quickly fizzles away when you realise he’s intentionally looking at everything but the side of your face. You force yourself to make conversation. 

“Jessika is nice,” you spout from nowhere. 

“She’s a keeper, for sure. Fast, good tactics, great player,” 

“Nice person?” you urge. He raises his brows. 

“Yeah—at times. She’s definitely stony and cold, but she can be nice once you get to know her. She dates Snap, did you know?”

Imagining Jessika and Snap together makes you scoff without meaning to. If Snap is the human embodiment of a golden retriever; Jessika is a German shepherd or a Rottweiler. Poe smiles at your abrupt scoff. 

“I know, they’re very different,”

“Ying and Yang, I guess,” 

“Opposites attract, definitely,”

“Not always,” you argue. “But sometimes, yes. People always talk about having something in common with their significant other, but if you had everything in common, wouldn’t it get boring?” 

“Maybe,” Poe replies. “Or maybe not. You could bond even more through those shared interests,” 

“I don’t know,” you keep up your side of the argument, but you’re not sure where the words are even coming from. It’s not like you think in depth about could-be relationships in your spare time. “Maybe both is good,” 

“Both?” Poe indulges you. 

“Having things in common, but also having things that only you’re into. Then, I don’t know, you could introduce each other to those worlds,” 

Poe’s silent for a few seconds. “That’s... nice. That sounds pretty good, actually,” 

“Yeah,”

“Yeah,” 

It’s not awkward, so to speak, just an awkward subject for conversation that then turns into a tension filled silence between the two of you. You’re both older, have both been through your fair share of heartbreaks and has-beens and maybe-this-could-have-been-more things. 

You can sense Poe’s mind trying to pinpoint where to go from here. 

“Did you ever find anyone?” he asks suddenly, as the two of you pass the library, where Heidi wished you luck just hours before. “Like, a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or—whoever,”

Maybe it was your turn to lie. You could tell him you had a string of exes, all of whom still wanted you. You could tell him that you’re talking to people right now and seeing what’ll happen; but there’s a part of you that feels sick lying about this. 

It’s not worth it. 

“No,” you say simply. “A few dead talking stages in high school,” you shrug, trying to play it off as normal. “But no. Nothing long lasting...” you pause, letting out a long breath. “Nothing you could call love,” 

You don’t even know why you brought up love, but it’s too late now and Poe lets out one singular “Oh,”

Oh, God. 

“What about you?” you ask quickly, trying to change the subject onto him. 

“Oh,” he says again, readying himself by stuffing his hands in his pockets and shrugging all the same. “I’m sort of the same. Nothing long lasting. I’ve had a few girlfriends though—,”

“From what Heidi’s told me you’ve had many,” you butt in.

“Don’t listen to a fucking word that girl has to say,” he says strongly, but there’s a smile on his lips as the words tumble out. “She’s a gossip-monger and a shit stirrer,” 

“She’s brilliant,” you argue. 

“Being brilliant doesn’t stop you from being a giant, gaping asshole—”

“Hey!” you yell, but as the two of you combust into chuckles it’s incredibly clear that the adoration you both feel for Heidi is prevalent. “Still though,” you start, after your giggles disperse. “You’ve had girlfriends,” 

“Doesn’t really feel like it,” Poe admits, and you find yourself turning to look at his side profile. His eyes are on the floor, his feet scuffing over the patio stones as the two of you go in and out of darkness beneath the campus streetlamps. “Wasn’t love or anything like that,” 

“What were they then?” you ask, softening your tone as you feel a jolt cut through the conversation topic. You knew Poe well enough from the past to know when he was about to talk seriously about his feelings. 

“I don’t know,” he says, letting out a huff in an attempt to play it off as nothing. When he turns to your stare and looks in your eye, the small smile on his mouth doesn’t look unbothered; it looks sad. 

Really fucking sad. 

“Distractions,” he lets out. “Attempts at feeling something real for someone. Yada, yada, yada,” he lets out a subtly shaken breath when he faces front once more. “They weren’t important,” 

“The relationships? Or the girls?” you continue, even though you can tell Poe is ready to drop the subject. His face immediately drops.

“The girls? You think I’d say the girls themselves were unimportant?” he accuses you suddenly, and the dynamic switches. You panic.

“N—no, of course not. I just wanted clarification—,”

“The relationships weren’t important. The girls were all... lovely. Beautiful, nice, fun,” he cuts over you, and you gulp down the want to argue as he all but scolds you for even asking such a question. It wasn’t any indication on him, you just wanted to know what he’d meant. 

There was a part of you that wanted to ask if you’d count within those relationships that he didn’t deem important. Was your friendship meaningful to him? Had he meant it while growing up? Or were you simply another one of his girls that were beautiful, nice and fun—yet he’d still thrown you away. 

It’s a thought that you can’t bat away, even though you know your friendship wasn’t anything like an actual relationship. 

“Stop thinking that,” Poe says sternly, and you’re torn from your thoughts. 

“Thinking what?” you hit back with bluntly. 

“Thinking that I think us growing up together was unimportant,” 

Well—fucking hell—he can read minds now. 

You immediately let out a scoff, furrowing your brows in sudden anger at the fact he’d fucking guessed what you were thinking. “I wasn’t thinking that,” you lie. 

“And you’re still a terrible liar,” he says.

“I’m not lying,” you lie, again. Now you’re even. 

“Yes, you are,” his tone makes you want to explode, but your brain fires words at your mouth instead. 

“And do you think you’re a better liar, Poe?” you spout suddenly, stopping on the pathway towards your dormitory building abruptly. Poe halts next to you, peering down at you with a gaze of subtle but rising anger. 

“What the hell are you saying?” he lets out, as if he can’t be bothered to continue the conversation anymore. 

“You lied to me the day you left my flat, the morning after I got shitfaced,” you admit. “That face you pull,” you stop, trying to express your own rendition of his stupid fucking lying indicators. “The zoned-out eyes, the jutted out lower lip—,”

“You look into things waaaay too fucking much—,” he tries to cut over you, but you ket out an abrupt shush! in his face. He flinches back immediately, shooting you a squinted and shocked look. “Did you just fucking shush me?”

“You lied, Poe. I don’t know what about, something about what happened on the fucking lawn or something—,”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re crazy?” he attempts to butt in again, but you simply keep talking. 

“You lied to me tonight, Poe,” you say strongly, and his sudden silence is enough of an answer that you need. He lowers his gaze to the floor, almost as if he’s given up. You can see the defeat on his forehead. “You didn’t tell me the meaning of your tattoo, and honestly—I don’t fucking care— but it was just... that look,” 

That look. Like a deer in headlights. The cogs whirring in his brain. The wonder about whether to say the truth or hold it back, for whatever reason he sees fit. 

When he catches your eye once more, you step back; frowning as a sullen sadness cascades down your face. “I’ve always hated that look,” you whisper, just loud enough for him to hear, but even if you’d thought it he would have known what you were saying. 

Why is it, if the two of you spend any extended time together, that things always get so sad? 

It’s like you both go through the five stages of grief throughout the time you’re alone. Sadness, anger, bargaining, depression—acceptance. 

Will either of you ever reach acceptance?

“Is it always gonna be like this?” Poe whispers in response. You gulp away the want to wrap your arms around his shoulders, or punch him in the face. Your feelings are like you’re trying to catch rain water with a basketball net. “The tiniest semblance of normal, before we get angry and sad all over again?” he adds. 

He’s right. He sums it all up so well. That’s exactly what your conversations and time together is like, now. 

The saddest part of it all is that the only thing you can fathom replying is—

“I don’t know,” you swallow uncomfortably. 

He steps forward suddenly, and for a split moment you think he’s going to encase you in a hug. You think he’s going to hold you the way he did last week, when you swayed to music and both calmed down from the fight beforehand. You’d lost count how many times he’d made you mad or upset in this tiny amount of time since you’d been reunited. 

He was probably the same towards you; not knowing the exact number; not caring to try and count all the fucking times.

“I got the tattoo because it reminds me that everyone sees the same moon as me, even if they’re far away from me,” he says suddenly, keeping his eyes on yours. You want to look away, to stare beyond his shoulder or at the floor, but something’s holding you in place. “It tells me that whenever I look at the moon, the next day someone far off will be looking at the same sky, the same stars, the same moon that I looked at the night before,” 

God, is he talking about you? Is he straight up saying that he got his tattoo because it keeps you connected to him? 

No. Don’t be fucking ridiculous. 

You swallow, flicking your eyes across his face. “Why didn’t you just tell me that?” you whisper. 

All Poe can do is shrug, letting out a vulnerable chuckle afterwards. 

“I don’t fucking know,” he admits. “I honestly don’t fucking know,” he repeats, before letting out another chuckle from the sheer fuckery that comes alongside every private talk, every conversation, every fucking interaction that you have together. 

You want to ask him about the lawn, outside his frat, but you can’t get the words out. This moment here—this subtle expression of vulnerability and actual honesty—it’s so rare that you don’t want to fuck it up. You don’t want to mess this up and go back to ground zero again. 

A thought hits you then, something light-hearted. You smile. 

“It’s also because you like space, isn’t it?” the tattoo. Poe lets out a long breath, his grin growing until it’s across his entire jaw. 

“I fucking love space,” 

There’s the Poe you once knew. 

Tag List: @noctem-vincere @browneyes-issac @theidiotsincontrol @harrys-tittie @leithatnight @iridian-darkbloom @angellicpraises @philiasoul

[hebuiltfive]

Haunted

What do you do when you can't get back to sleep because your anxiety decides to kick in and make you panic at 4am for now reason, keeping you awake? You put that pain onto a fictional character, of course. This might have the potential to go somewhere further, maybe? I've been wanting to write from this guy's perspective for a while. If a story forms, I might continue it. Anyway, enjoy. I'm going to try and get an hour of sleep in now because God, I am tired.

He couldn't sleep. Again. It was becoming tiresome in itself. No matter how much he tried, that peaceful slumber remained just out of reach. Every time he closed his eyes, the panic set in. At least when he was awake he could ground himself to the here and now; he was in his room where it was familiar and warm and not out on that disastrous mission. When his eyelids shut, however... that was a different story entirely. Shades of crimson tainted the darkness. It swirled and melded with the inky black, sometimes blending seamlessly and sometimes dripping in stark contrast. A reminder of the pain, the loss and the crippling agony he felt by being the sole survivor, the only one who managed to live.

It wasn't fair that he was allowed a second chance whilst all of his comrades didn't. His therapist (mandated by the Powers That Be if he wanted to keep his position) told him it was "survivor's guilt". Maybe it was. He didn't care. A fancy name and symptom list didn't stop the memories from plaguing him in those tender hours of the night. It didn't stop the pain he felt when he swore he could feel his old Captain's hand in his, bloody and dying and cold, even through his gloves.

It hadn't been the first time he'd witnessed death, yet the moment had been horrifying. There had been nothing to do but wait until the man he had once called a friend took his last, shallow breath. His voice, once a voice that held such authority, that had given commands with such gusto, had become feeble and quiet. Scared. There had been whispered requests of a dying man. He'd allowed them to become broken promises because the thought of seeing the pregnant wife of his superior officer, to tell her the news and his last message, had been too painful for him in those following weeks. The phantom hand in his squeezed. Whether it was telling him he was a coward or whether it was in forgiveness, he didn't know. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

He rolled over onto his side. Why was he remembering everything in such vivid detail? It had been years. Hadn't the ghosts of his past grown tired of all the haunting? Occasionally the human brain was a cursed thing. All he wanted was the sweet respite that sleep offered, even with the knowledge that nightmares were common after he'd endured these levels of panic. Right now, he didn't care for them. He'd endure those images if it meant he could get even a wink of sleep. He had a mission to run tomorrow. He couldn't afford to be drowsy. He pulled the duvet up closer to his chin, inhaled deeply and held his breath for a moment. In the still and quiet of his room, the pounding throb of his heart was deafening in his ears. He exhaled and repeated. Never had he felt so pathetic. He knew they were only memories and yet...

Another exhale and he closed his eyes again. This time, at least, pure, untainted blackness greeted him. It was a welcomed change from the blood infested image and, being worried he'd lose that small blessing, Rigby kept those eyelids tightly shut. Criminals he could easily face down, but demons? His demons? They were one battle in an endless war he hadn't yet defeated.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Dan’s Tour/We’re All Doomed! (2022) Masterlist

4am (ao3) - bloodyscarab

Summary: i'm out late at 4 am  he says "how's the weather baby, how you been?"

A Nun and A Priest: You Get Me Closer to God (ao3) - Spring_Haze

Summary: When Dan dresses up as a sexy nun for Halloween in America, he finds himself longing for a sexy priest.

all of these small things (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: It’s Dan’s first day back from his American tour, and Phil can’t believe how much he’s missed him.

can i call you tonight? (ao3) - oihesmine

Summary: texts between long distance d&p

can't wait for you to be back (ao3) - okaydoomer

Summary: Dan is on tour and they miss each other so much.

coast to coast (ao3) - lilactreesinwinter

Summary: Dan is on tour and doesn't check his phone.

He Keeps On Dropping Hints (so i won’t be the only one that’s going down for this) (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: Dan has discovered that solo tour life can be lonely in more ways than one. One particularly restless night, he aims to satiate himself - though Phil seems determined to make it as difficult as possible.

i come undone when you're gone (ao3) - heartbreakordeath

Summary: who knows what the future holds (i don't know)

don't matter if i got you, got you (i got you)

~bastille, 'future holds'

or: the US tour is over. it's time for dan to come home.

i'll be there for it all (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: dan has some worries about tour

late night talking (ao3) - theloveofbees

Summary: it surely wasn’t the weirdest thing phil had caught dan doing in their thirteen years of knowing each other, but it was up there.

or it's the summer before dan's tour and they talk on the floor of their office.

long-distance lads (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: Dan worries that he’s going to miss Phil while on tour.

Love, Becky (ao3) - husbants

Summary: At a We’re All Doomed pre-show Q&A, Dan gets a question about his old characters Becky and Jessica.

He has a dream about them. And sometimes dreams inspire in peculiar ways.

More than 2 and a half weeks (ao3) - natigail

Summary: The night before Dan leaves for the American leg of his tour, Phil pulled him into shooting a video and then he pulled him into his arms.

my way home is through you (ao3) - nivi_chip

Summary: Sometime in the middle of his spiral, he’s gone from pacing around the room to sat in front of the mirror, scrubbing at his face with cotton pads. A knock sounds at the door. “I’ll be there in a minute, just getting cleaned up!” Even as he says it, he can hear the slight waver in his voice. Nothing noticeable, he knows, to anyone except one person. And sure enough.

Or, Dan has some apprehensions about the next leg of tour.

No Crispy Dudes (ao3) - yikesola

Summary: Dan looks up. He knows that yeah. Knows it all too well. Flat and distracted— Phil isn’t paying the slightest bit of attention. A ficlet about plants and plans.

security! (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Dan comes home to Phil after tour rehearsals. They cook, kiss and banter. And Dan reflects on the word "security".

Showtime (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: An insight into the before and after of one of the beginning shows of the We’re All Doomed Tour.

Welcome home! (never leave that long again) (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Dan comes home from tour and stumbles right into Phil’s arms. He is more touch starved than he’d realised.

We're All Doomed (ao3) - ellohello

Summary: Dan's been across the country performing his show, and Dan has just really been missing Phil. He won't see him for ages yet, but he can't wait for that day

What If: Tour Preparation Edition (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: Whilst packing for his solo We’re All Doomed tour, Dan ropes Phil into a game of What If, and everything that comes afterwards.

When the feeling sinks in (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: A transatlantic phone call

you must be proud (ao3) - danhoweiis

Summary: dans just come off stage after his last uk show and phil goes to see him in his dressing room

You're everything to me (ao3) - okaydoomer

Summary: Martyn joins Dan's Tour as he's responsible for the merchandise.

When they get a moment alone, Dan decides to pluck up the courage to ask Martyn for his opinion on something that is incredibly important to Dan.

[henrysfedora]

hi it's almost 4am and i have been sitting in silence for the past three hours and anyway i need to ramble about vito and his tragic war time okay

idk, it hit me after watching a war movie just a couple hours earlier how really tragic it must've been for vito. like firstly he's a paratrooper- this bitch flew into the warzone by plane, which is already a loud thundering piece of metal in the sky, this bitch also jumped out of a plane thousands of feet in the air into the muddy warzone below. you know the loud explosions, gunshots constantly going off around him, tanks, fighters, flamethrowers, stukas, like yeah i really believe those headcanons about vito having hearing damage and selective hearing. the moments vito would've been pinned down behind something with bullets constantly flying around him, explosions going off, mud hitting him, stone hitting him, blood hitting him, jesus christ how many tanks nearly ran him over.

this sounds so rude but i kind of wish we got to see how vito was affected by the war more throughout the game because we really only see his scars and from what we can only assume his change in behaviour and personality. how did an eighteen year old, twenty when he finally gets out (which is still fucking YOUNG) just seem to brush it off? and i only say this because 2K did JACK. we the fans have thought about a lot but in game vito's just, sad and scarred... bitch let me see the horrifying trauma he faces, let me see his nightmares, give me joe feeling guilty, give henry another reason to realise what vito's been through and how young he really is. make henry feel worse about lying to vito and bringing him in on the drug deal and causing him to go through another big shootout. make vito a little deaf, is he nervous when everyone always expects the best from him when it comes to firearms?

did vito ever have to hold a dying brother out on the field? how many times did he see someone lose a limb, or have their head shot off, or their stomachs torn open, or hear them cry for their mother, or see them bleeding profusely on the ground, how much time did he really spend driving jeeps.

like i think vito would especially be terrified of things with buildup, the sound of tanks eventually getting closer, the astronomical speed of planes that were quiet two seconds ago but now ear-shattering, especially stukas i feel like vito would be terrified of stukas those things are scary, they just keep getting closer and closer and louder and louder.

and how scared shitless was vito when he got shot? blood starts going fucking everywhere, instantly, like was he thinking about joe when he was trying as hard as he could to put pressure on his wound? was he convinced he was going to die? did he think about his mother, his father, francesca, and joe?? all of them? only joe? was he content or did he feel like he hadn't done enough in life yet? did he call out for his mother or did he just lay there quietly? how many friends did he have in the army, how many died right in front of him, how many left him alone, how many sacrificed themselves for him, how many helped him. how guilty did he feel when they saved him but they died after doing so, how guilty did he feel when he couldn't reach someone in time. he's always had it in him to be giving but is this a big contributor to why he'd sacrifice himself for his friends in a heartbeat because the guilt would be too heavy for him to handle if he couldn't save joe or henry.

LIKE JUST BREAKDOWN VITO and for gods sake someone give him a hug

like i know vito's our badass protagonist but did he really not cry while out in service? is it really not this bad was he having a good ole time driving his jeep around or what WELL WE'LL NEVER KNOW WILL WE 2K

[angellovebites]

Vent cuz it’s 4am and I can’t sleep still

Sometimes I’m hit with such jealousy and pain about a lot of things but tonight it’s my body again

I love my hair I like my face I think my legs are fine and I’m learning to like my shoulders and stuff but god damn it’s just

I dont look how i look in my head, how I wish I could appear. They’re so unhidable. My chest hurts and aches after hours of binding and squeezing and stuff but otherwise I just don’t feel good. I wish I could sleep shirtless comfortably. They get in the way. For years I’ve put my hand under them to feel my ribs, feel what I could feel if I were flat. But they’re always there. Sometimes I like them when they’re sensitive. When they fill something out nicely. When my love admires me and his hands love me. Sometimes I hate them and wish I could just be that happy 11 year old in the mirror, admiring my flat chest and flexing my muscles. Whenever I was asked what I was doing I’d give a big goofy smile and say “I’m a boy! See?” They’d try and soothe me. Say “oh you won’t be flat like that forever!” But I didn’t really want that reaction. I wanted to hear “yeah you sure look like one! Show me those muscles again kiddo!”

I remember as a teen, (naive and well meaning but desperate and extremist in my head), wishing, praying to god, that I could get breast cancer so they’d have to cut them off. Then they’d save my life and I’d finally be happy in my skin. I don’t think I understood how awful a thing I was wanting, but I figured there’d be no other way. Even then, I wasn’t thinking about money. I figured since I can never get top surgery while poor, maybe that’d work, forgetting that you still have to pay for medical procedures and I could just as much certainly have died of the cancer I wanted than have that surgery.

There may never be any winning, especially now as more states are outlawing things like these, even more so since I do not fit their box. I don’t fit any boxes. I wonder if people around me realize how painful that is for me. To always be mentioned last, if that, in positivity posts this can be said for gender and sexuality. To not fit in with the group, even the queer group sometimes. To never be fully sure of who you are, to know that others won’t ever see you as anything than the hand you’ve been dealt. Most people’s solution almost every time, is to change me in some way to get closer to a box. Thats what it comes down to. Change my clothes and change my look and change my hair and change the way I speak and what I like and how I present online and offline and everywhere and maybe if I just don’t speak people won’t think things maybe if I act deaf in public maybe if I wear a mask maybe if I wear platform shoes double bind so my ribs ache and never show skin I’d have a chance But I simply don’t fit? Why do I have to be in a box? I’m not so naive to think that I can simply do nothing and society at large would just know what i want; i do not correct people in public, I know what I look like. but even small scale…even people who SHOULD accept me, often times even people who’s LITERAL JOB is to accept me, cannot step over that tiny little barrier. And even IF I do all that in public? It’s been too many years and I can’t get away with people assuming I’m a young boy or something anymore, it makes no difference.

I heal every time my boyfriend calls me his boy. His Qing. Handsome. Attractive. Strong. Gender neutral things. He doesn’t lump me in with others because of how we were born. Even if I can relate to the EXPERIENCE, I still am not that, and I never feel like he thinks that. I am myself to him, unique on my own. I am so used to no one truly taking me seriously that any little comment he makes about my identity that reminds me “oh…right! He sees me as me! Not a Diet Coke person. Not a watered down version of anything. Just..me.” Makes me so euphoric.

Maybe someday it won’t hurt so bad, physically and figuratively, to be myself.

[pxrxllel]

square one (30/10/22)

It has been about a month of confusion, disappointment, grief, busyness, sunshine, rain, hope, love, and friendship. I don't really know where I'm going anymore, just that I am wading forward through the days, thick like mud, one at a time. I have no idea what the future looks like. To be fair, I didn't really before, but now I have even less of an idea.

My friends and colleagues and family have absolutely been propping me up over the last few weeks. I have received so much love and support and wisdom and advice and perspective from so many different sources. People have shown up for me in ways I never expected, and other people I expected to show up haven't. I guess it's times like these that you learn the most about yourself and the people around you.

I've been going out, I've been drinking for fun, I've been meeting new friends in old places and old friends in new places. I was drunkenly scarfing down a burger while having a conversation with a med student and his girlfriend at 2am out on the street, and all I can remember him telling me is to give myself more credit because other people may seem really impressive but they really aren't. And then I don't know why but I stayed out until 4am with Jason and his friend talking about dealing with emotional baggage. In Sydney, Remi reminded me that I'm still young and that what I should take from this is learning to be upfront and communicative with the next person about my previous experiences and making the space to check in. And that I might just randomly click with someone again one day and it'll all make sense. I just think that my picker isn't very good, because I seem to keep dating the two extremes of the spectrum and no one is quite right. I guess each time I am getting closer to just right though, so that's reassuring.

I'm still carrying all the love I have for him, he's not receiving it anymore so I don't have anywhere to put it. They say to redirect the energy towards yourself, which I have been doing, but it doesn't quite fully translate over. It's like there is a whole version of me that is part of me that is dedicated to loving him. I really felt that a big part of my identity was to teach and guide him towards wholeness, as he was for me, and the fixer in me just feels like a teacher whose student gave up and I will never not want him to be growing in that way. I have accepted that it won't be me, and I don't want him to come back either, but the finality of it all is so bitter. I guess the best way to describe it is that I'm still attached, but I know I need to not be to be fair to my own future and healing. I acted very securely and healthily, and I think in some ways that's bad because it makes me think that he's going to come back one day, prop open the door and tell me he's done some reflecting and I'm going to get satisfaction out of it. I can't bank on that happening though. God, I hope he doesn't see this - I don't think he will, I've never told him about this blog.

Also, something weird and new has been happening. I feel so emotionally unavailable. The idea of other men gives me the ick. I have never been so content with being single before, I've never felt this way. I always used to try to bury the hard feelings in another person, but I have never had this level of desire to just be with myself, by myself.

I really feel like I'm back at square one. I loved him the best I knew how to, and objectively, I think I did a great job and I know he agrees. For all the strife and worries, I really don't think it would have ended. I just don't feel very optimistic about finding anyone with the same qualities that I loved about him. Smart, organised, stable. Trustworthy. Diligent. Wickedly handsome. Fit. Growth-oriented. Soft, but not softer than me. Generous as hell. He had his cons too, but I accepted them. And isn't that what a healthy love is built on, accepting the price of admission?

I feel like there's a lot of things I still have to learn. It's hard because I'm learning from scratch, but I'm starting to realise that even though others may not need to learn from scratch, they sometimes do too. I'm also mapping out my plans to move overseas; I know a new location doesn't solve internal problems but I don't think it's about that since it's been on the cards for so long. It all just feels scary and a bit overwhelming, but also exciting. I really have no idea, I'm bobbing around in open water right now, I guess I'll check back in a while to see where I'm at.

[buckystevelove]

You left your mark in my heart Part:10

Pairing:Bucky x reader

Warning: angst and fluff

You didn’t slept that night, you were thinking about that to do with your feelings for Bucky. You knew you were in love. The girls said Bucky was in love with you too, but it wasn’t that easy. Many things could go wrong, you siding want to lose your friendship with him, it was one of the most important things in your life. You also wanted him in your daughters life, if things went wrong your daughter would also be loosing someone very important. And let’s not forget Steve. What he had done was awful, but they were each other’s longest best friend, you didn’t want them to lose that.

God! What were you going to do.

You ended up sleeping at 4am, you woke up at 7 because you had a doctor appointment at 9. You were supposed to meet with Bucky at the hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were now waiting outside the the doctor’s office. Bucky was late, and you didn’t want to do this without him, he has been there with you to every appointment. A few minutes later, Bucky ran through the Hospital corridors in his tactical suit.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” He looked at you with worry eyes. The had blood and dirt on his face. Clearly, he was in a mission.

“Don’t know. Are you hurt? What happened?” You tried to stand up but your enormous belly didn’t let you, so you extended your hand to Bucky so he could help you.

“Thanks.” Now that you were standing you gave him a strong hug. “Now tell me, what happened?” You grab his face in you hands. He looked beaten up, there was certain saddens in his eyes. He looked troubled.

“I- I’m sorry…” he looked at his feet, “The mission didn’t went as we expected, w-we we’re ambushed…” he started to shake his head. “Th-they wanted to get me, the wanted the winter…” he couldn’t finish his sentence because he started to sobbing. “It was either they got me or I couldn’t return alive.” His eyes were filled with tears.

“I was so scared.” He hold you close and tight. “It was the first time in a decades that I was truly scared of dying, I don’t want to leave you alone. I am so sorry for what I am going to say, but…” he started to shake, he moved back enough to look at you in the eyes, he grabbed both of your hands. “ I love you, I didn’t want to die without you knowing, I don’t just love you like my best friend, I am completely and utterly in love with you. I want to kiss you every time I see you, I want to hold you close at night, I want to marry you, I want to grow old with you.” Now you had tears in your eyes, they were happy tears. He place one of his hands in your belly. “ I want to be there for you and for this baby. I want to be her dad, I want to protect her and take care of her. I want to have many, many babies with you. I want us to be a family. Today I realized that I couldn’t died before you knew that. I love you.” He was looking at you straight in the eyes.

You were speechless. The man you had come to fall in love with loved you back. He wanted everything of you, all your live. All of you, and… your little girl.

“Jaime… I-“ before you could said something else he cut you.

“You don’t have to say it back just because I said it, I know you’ve had a difficult year. I know you loved Steve. I just wanted you to know how I feel.” He took some steps back, he was now looking at his feet.

“I you let me finish, you would now that I love you too. I am completely and utterly in love with you. I want to have a family with you. I want to BE with you. You are my best friend, you’ve always been there for me and this girl. Of course you are her dad, you have been the one grabbing my hand in each appointment, the one getting me the food when I had my cravings. Helping me in everything I need. Bucky, you are the one.” You once took his face in you hands, “ now kiss me you dork” you smiled at him.

Your lips came together, it was slow at the beginning. A shy first kiss, then he grabbed you waist and you neck and pulled you closer. Your hand was caressing the nape of his neck. The kiss deepened, you gasped. Bucky took the opportunity and started to enter your mouth with his tongue. The kisses started to become heated, so you pulled apart before it could escalate.

“I am so sorry to interrupt, but the doctor is waiting for you Ms.YLN.” A nurse said blushing.

Both of you chuckled, you hide you face in his chest of embarrassment.

“Sure, we are coming.” You mumbled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ok, so it looked like your baby is as big as a 8 months old unborn. At the rate she is growing, he could born any day of the next week.” She said while taking measurements in her computer.

“God, that was fast, I have only been 6 1/2 months pregnant.” You said, Bucky had a stupid grin in his face. He was glowing with happiness.

“I can wait to hold this little girl.” He said to you.

“Well, it will be faster than expected. If you don’t have this baby fast you can start to have complications, her size could risk your health as well as her’s.” The said without taking her eyes off the screen. “If you don’t start your labor in a few days we may have to make a c-section.” She looked at you now.

“We hope we don’t have to come to that.” Bucky said with a frown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I think we have to talk about some things.” You said to Bucky after you exited the hospital.

“We can go to the café you like so much and have breakfast.” He started to walk towards it, you were side by side. The slowly started to take you hand. He looked down at you connected hands, so did you, then you looked at each other and smile.

“I like this, it fells right.” You blushed a little.

“So do I.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were now drinking a hot chocolate and eating a croissant. Bucky was drinking coffee and eating a sandwich.

“So… you are going to become a mother in a few days.”

“I know, I am starting to get scared. Jaime… I- I want you to be there with me, only if you want…”

“Of course, I want nothing more.” He gave you the warmest smile. “Di- did you meant it when you said I was her dad, I know I’m not, but do you want me to be?” He looked at you with hopefully eyes.

“I want you to be, I meant every word I said to you earlier.” You smiled.

“Then I should take you on a date. Tomorrow at 6pm, be ready. Use something comfy.” He gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

“Great!”

AN: comment, please!! I love when you comment!

[uwurakax]

another day ♡

pairing: oikawa x f!reader ♡

genre: angsty // exes // mutual pining ♡

summary: after the constant fighting and bubbling insecurities, you and oikawa both decide that breaking up is probably for the best. too bad that it wasn’t what either if you had wanted ♡

♡ read part one ‘save your tears’ here ♡

word count: 2k ♡

author’s note: super tired, i should be packing but im not lol, 4am gang ayyy. as always not proofread because i cannot stomach the idea of rereading what i wrote. this was what originally ‘save your tears’ was going to be, but part one got too long so haha. spoils of part one, so if you haven’t read it go ahead, or don’t lolol it could be read alone ig hurr hurr ♡

♡ (inspired by save your tears - the weeknd/ariana grande) ♡

At one point in time, you would’ve enjoyed an atmosphere like this; the blaring lights, pounding music, and even the heat radiating off warm bodies in a cramped space. It was much more enjoyable when you had the familiar, comforting presence of him.

Yes him: Oikawa Tōru. Also known as the the guy who broke your heart less than two months ago. You hadn’t seen him since the week after, finally being able to pick up everything and go. It was scary how silent it was between you two. The unit the both of you had made a home, your first home with him, just a little more barren. Just a little more bare.

Just a little more empty.

Once homely rooms were now plain. To anyone else, it could be called minimalistic or modern. Sleek if you were to exaggerate it. To the both of you however, it was just stone cold. A lifeless corpse. One poor imitation of what it once was.

And seeing it like this was almost enough to have your heart break for a second time. It was a physical representation of your relationship. The feelings of warmth, comfort, admiration, any and every word any literary body could ever akin to love was once found here. It was sad to see it gone, almost like it was never there. However if you looked past the surface you’d see all the small details of things that once occupied the room. The once full drawers now easily fitting clothes with plenty of room to spare. A countertop with products only to one half of the sink. The minuscule dust imprints left behind on the shelves that once housed your books.

The lingering smell of your perfume that was once so prominent.

You couldn’t tell, but Oikawa could. In the week you were gone, it slowly started to fade. The first night Oikawa was drowning in it. It clung to, what once was, your pillow and on the blanket. Choking and suffocating him with the sweet smell. He couldn’t bear to see the bed without you in it, and hated the God awful smell. Opening the window and facing away, he had a dreamless sleep that night.

And as the week passed, so did the scent of you.

He couldn’t explain why, but the moment he opened the door, his body felt at ease. His eyes blessed, even if you had those dark circles and slightly red eyes with unkempt hair. It was as if it was instinct to feel relief at being near you.

It was the longest few hours of Oikawa’s life that day, and somehow it was still just too short. Helping you gather your things, putting them into boxes and loading them into a tiny hired truck until eventually there was nothing left.

You were gone from the apartment, and now Oikawa’s life.

It was awkward the second time, saying goodbye. The finality of it all dawning on the both of you. You at least had this excuse to see each other once more. After this, there was nothing. No more reasons to come back, to call, message or even see each other again.

This was officially the last time you’d ever get to see Oikawa Tōru.

You’d both stood there for a few moments, only the wind against leaves and the occasional car offering any sort of background noise. Neither of you wanting or willing for this moment to end. Despite it all, it wasn’t hard to see that you both yearned for each other. Just how cruel it was that you couldn’t see it.

Oikawa kept your pillow close that night. The smell of you was so faint, he was sure that it wouldn’t be too long before it completely faded. As he held the plush item near his chest he couldn’t help but wonder what kind of life he could’ve had with you if he wasn’t so prideful? All the fantasies and white picket fences surged in his mind, and so he finally drifted off to sleep, thinking of you.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“Here”

You turned to see your best friend handing you a glass of, well you weren’t sure exactly but anything to dull your senses at this point was okay in your book. Yes, almost two months since your breakup and you were still so torn. It was what he wanted right? Your lives are better this way. You’re sure his is. He wouldn’t have to hear you “nag” as he so put it, and you didn’t have to feel the exhaustion resulting because of it.

It was better this way. You knew it. Oikawa knew it. Your friends and family knew it. Heck even the old ladies down the damn street knew it.

So why did it feel so shitty.

You downed the drink quickly, not wanting to go through the spiral of emotions you were sure you were going to experience. You’d deal with the pain and hangover tomorrow like the adult you were. For now you just wanted to dance till your feet hurt, and then drink until they stopped hurting. A quick descent into self destruction that you’re sure you’d regret.

Or maybe you wouldn’t.

The moment you turned your head to get back to the dance floor you locked eyed with him.

For a moment you stopped breathing. The music faded out quickly and the patrons of the club disappeared. Suddenly it was just you and him.

He looked good this time around, nothing like the last time you saw him. His perfectly fluffed and styled hair that was just so effortlessly Oikawa had become messy bed head. His bright chocolate eyes that twinkled just a little with mischief when he smirked had become sunken. His whole demeanour had completely drooped into a depressive state. It hurt to see.

He wasn’t like that now. He looked like how he had been before. No longer were the remnants of a heartbroken man. Oikawa Tōru had gone back to his charming self once again.

A cute girl with silky, long black hair approached him and just as quick as they went, everything came flooding back; the music, people and you found yourself being able to breathe again.

She touched his arm and laughed. The look in her eyes filled with the glimmer coyness. Her body language oozed with flirty persona. It was all too familial.

You should’ve guessed that he’d date again. It wasn’t like he couldn’t. The moment you both severed the relationship he had every right to do what he wanted. You did too. Sure you were seeing someone, but it wasn’t like that.

All too, touchy-feely.

It hurt to see, you weren’t going to lie. Seeing the way he touched her, held her, danced with her. For a good portion of the night you saw it. Seeing him be with her, the way he used to with you. No longer being the main character in his story; you were in the audience, watching.

You didn’t want to stay until the ending.

Without a word, you briskly brushed passed sweaty bodies, being bumped a few times before you finally made it to the door and opened it.

You walked a couple paces to the middle of the footpath, deeply inhaling the fresh air. It wasn’t suffocating anymore. You fumbled with your purse, reaching inside to pull out your phone. With the glow of neon lights emanating behind you, you saw a stray tear on the blackness of your screen.

Fuck, when did that happen?

You wiped it with the palm of your hand, and went to unlock your phone. As you prepared to send a text you heard the call of your voice.

“Tōr-Oikawa?”

He mentally winced at this, the formal tone of using his surname struck something inside. He didn’t like it, not at all. It wasn’t right, it felt strange.

“What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here? You followed me”

“Right... I guess I just wanted to see how you were, that’s all” he looked away, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. You softened at this. It just took you back to why you fell for him in the first place. The little things like this, that made you feel cared for and loved. Perhaps for a few minutes you could be delusional and pretend that Oikawa still cared for you.

“I’m fine, what about you? How is everything going?” Yikes. You cringed at how awkward you were being. You supposed that that’s how it was, not exactly friends and not complete strangers either.

“Yeah fine too...” he trailed off, and just like that you were brought back to that time before you left. Before the official goodbye. Not ready to end things just yet, but neither knowing what more to say.

Just for a little while, let me remember every trace, curve and detail.

You didn’t know what came over you, but soon enough you found yourself drawing closer to Oikawa. He looked at you with half lidded eyes, not daring to move a step, almost afraid if he did it would ruin this moment with you. Yes, it was selfish but...

You lifted your hand to cup his cheek, just like a memory from before. Using the pad of your thumb, you gently brushed over the soft skin. Ever so delicately, you traced down his jaw. The intimacy of your movements crossed a boundary between you. You knew it and he did too. You’d let yourselves be greedy though.

Oikawa raised his own hands to touch your face, perfectly ingraining it into his mind and body. His fingers slowly going over your features. He wouldn’t allow himself to forget any part of you.

It wasn’t long until you both wanted to overstep more.

The longing between you too great to try and stop. Eventually you both moved closer, faces and soul alike reaching for the other. Just a bit closer.

“Y/N?”

“Oikawa?”

You both frantically pulled away, heart racing now.

“Kageyama..”

“Tobio”

Oikawa tried to hide the venom in his voice, he really did, but when he saw Kageyama make his way beside you he couldn’t help but see red.

It didn’t seem like life was playing a very fair game.

“Oikawa are you alright?” He looked down at the petite girl beside him, now clinging to his arm. He threw on one of his brilliant smiles and told her it was okay.

“Are you cold? Here” Oikawa couldn’t keep up that smile for too long, not when he saw him putting his jacket around you. How you snuggled into the warmth. How it showed Oikawa that you were no longer his, and that you now found solace in another.

He couldn’t blame you, he knew that deep inside. He did the same, why shouldn’t you? It didn’t stop the burning hatred and envy he felt. The overwhelming sadness that enveloped him. All a heavy dump of emotions thrown on him within a few seconds.

You felt it too though. That girl hanging off his arm. Getting to parade around that Oikawa was hers. It was totally unreasonable to feel this way. You both ended things. It was mutual right? You would’ve told him and he would’ve told you if this breakup was a mistake right?

Right?

“Wanna go?” Kageyama whispered in your ear. You nodded.

“It was nice seeing you again T-Oikawa” you smiled sadly.

“You too Y/N...bye” you both turned away, walking in opposite directions. With every step, your heartache grew just a little more. Almost like your body needed to be near his, the memories it held being more truthful than your head could ever be.

Your heart, body and soul wanted Oikawa.

Your mind told you to let him go for his sake.

“Hey Y/N?”

“Hey Oikawa?”

“Yes Kageyama?”

“Hmm?”

“He was your ex right? Oikawa?”

“That girl back there, is she her? The ex?

“Yeah he was”

“Yeah, she was”

“Do you still love him?”

“Do you still love her?”

There was a pause and you both stopped, mulling the question over.

Did you still love each other? It wasn’t hard to tell, everyone knew the answer. Ask any stranger but...

“No”

..

...

..

You both lied.

[ejcaswelll]

EJ headcanon rec time?

A few of my faves are: clothes sharing (of course), couch snuggling - Ricky's head in EJ's lap or vice versa with his hair being played with. Writing each other songs (EJ doesnt like using his words but for Ricky he will). Sneaking around for secret kisses before they're both out is still at the top of my list.

you literally sent me this over a month ago but it’s only a few minutes ago that my brain decided ok now is the Time

clothes sharing: i’ve lost hours of my life thinking about this with caswen. i think it’s really just the jock archetype schtick of having several unnecessary pieces of clothing branded with their name and ej absolutely being the kind of boyfriend who’d not so subtly leave that clothing at ricky’s house on the increasingly likely chance that ricky would forget to do laundry and throw one of ej’s old lacrosse hoodies on and then walk around school with CASWELL lining his shoulders. i imagine the first time this happens ej is entirely unprepared for how much it floors him (no matter how much he’d daydreamed about it) and during lunch he drags ricky into one of the boys bathroom stalls and kisses ricky’s complaints away about missing meatball monday until ricky’s quiet and pliant enough for ej to slide his hand underneath ricky’s hoodie — ej’s hoodie, holy fuck — until it’s pressed underneath where ej knows his name is printed. “i knew you’d be weird about this,” ricky mumbles against his mouth, but ricky still wears something of ej’s every couple weeks, like clockwork.

writing each other songs: ricky has half a composition book full of songs about ej and he’s definitely never shown ej this and never will, mostly because it so accurately charts the progression of his feelings about ej (that is, from hate to annoyance to reluctant interest to genuine like to messy crush to borderline obsessive boyfriend) that it’s humiliating. sometimes ricky will play ej a song or two from the notebook, like when ej’s sick and looks so pathetic and miserable in bed that ricky thinks he deserves to hear a song ricky dizzily wrote at 4am when he had a sappy dream about ej, or, mostly, when ricky’s heart feels particularly thump-y around him. ricky doesn’t expect anything in return, really, so when ej sits him down in a room ricky didn’t even know existed in ej’s house, with a piano tucked in a corner that ej uses to play a staggeringly beautiful piece of music, it leaves ricky so overwhelmed he ends up crying. “for fuck’s sake, ej,” ricky manages to get out between gasps. ej’s mouth twists nervously. “i know it’s not— lyrics aren’t my strong suit but i make up little things on the piano sometimes, and i wanted—” ricky cuts him off by slapping a hand over his mouth. “stop talking, it’s perfect, god,” ricky says and then kisses ej again and again and again, because he’s helpless not to.

sneaking around for secret kisses: it’s not that ricky isn’t out he’s just not out-out which feels like a stupid thing to explain but ej nods along so seriously that ricky feels an overwhelming rush of affection for him on top of what’s usually there, which is impressive. it means ricky isn’t really ready for handholding in the hallways or ej’s arm around him at lunch or any kind of public anything. unfortunately, ricky’s still a seventeen year old boy, which means he sees ej for all of three seconds in their shared lunch period and immediately wants to jump him. this also feels like a stupid thing to explain but ej nods along very seriously once again (although ricky noted a smug twitch of a smile there for half a second) and says, “we’ll figure it out,” with a quick squeeze of ricky’s hand. we’ll figure it out apparently means ricky’s suddenly living in one of those forbidden romance bodice rippers nini used to hide under her pillow, because ej drags him behind bike sheds, into janitor’s closets, into absurdly expensive backseats, and — in one particularly risky instance that ricky initiated out of sudden teenage horniness — between library shelves. “why did you have to make this so hot,” ricky pants between kisses, “now the whole situation’s even worse.” ej kisses him again, in a way that makes ricky press impossibly closer. “oh, well,” ej says, with zero remorse.

[levi-ish]

Little Talks | 5

Pairing: Bartender!Levi X Reader

Genre: [+18] Slice of life, drama, romance, fluff, smut

Words: 3k

Warnings: Alcohol, cheating mentions, drugs, cussing

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Masterlist

“Your taste in tea is shit” Levi scanned through the old teabags you had lingering in your cabinets.

“Sorry if I don’t have enough money to buy those fancy blends you like” you rolled your eyes as you leaned further into the throw pillows you had on top of your old couch.

“Tch.”

You turned around and watched the man tumble around with your mugs and you knew that he hated your unmatching sets, always making small comments about them. He then set for the most common ones you had and brought them to you after quickly making your drinks.

It had been a few weeks since the night when Levi comforted you after your ex-beloved’s visit. You two held hands and pretended that it was nothing while watching random cooking shows, then after you fell asleep he left but not before making you another cup of tea that you woke up to find inside your microwave, sitting there waiting for you.

You thanked him in person two days after and exchanged numbers because he claimed that he didn’t ‘trust’ your building’s security. Even when you told him that Zeke only got up because your concierge knew him.

But now things were better than you could expect. Levi would drive you home almost every night and wait for your ‘ok’ text when you took the elevator, to be sure you were safe and sound. He mostly made you tea at 4AM when the bar was closing and you had no classes the day after, and you two hung around at your apartment quite a lot, watching shitty movies and listening to him complain about how you were doing your laundry all wrong.

Whoever saw you two together would think you were a couple of elderlies married.

“I can’t believe he didn’t like how she plated it” you pointed at the TV, quite angry at the cooking show passing on. “She even put those fancy herbs.”

“It’s shit”

“Everything is ‘shit’ to you” you rolled your eyes.

“Only the things that are shit” Levi replied as he sipped on his tea.

You rolled eyes once more as you felt the shift on the sofa, not noticing his movements if it weren’t for it. Levi held his phone to his eyes and a sheer of light illuminated his strong features, highlighting that glorious jawline and the thin lips you—

What?

Shaking your head, you quickly got rid of those thoughts, adjusting your own position and making your back fall more comfortably on the cushions. Levi let a small sigh and brought the teacup back to his mouth, drinking slowly.

“Hange again?” You asked, giving him the side of your eye as you stirred your own drink.

“Kirstein this time” Levi replied, letting out his signature ‘tch’. “I should’ve been there. Those idiots can’t do their jobs properly without supervision.”

“Hange forcing people to listen to their theories again?”

“No. Jean broke the sink and is trying to blame it on the weather somehow.”

“How…”

“No fucking idea.” Levi put his phone back inside his pocket and drank the last of his tea, sighing after. It was a heavenly vision to see, you weren’t gonna lie.

With a small yawn, you stretched your legs and downed the tea in one gulp, earning a side eye from the man who wasn’t pleased you were appreciating one of his fancy blends. The minty taste lingered on your tongue as you licked your lips, and you could smell the hint of cinnamon wandering in the room, mixing with Levi’s cologne that you so much adored.

“I’m bored” you let out, pouting as you rested your face on the pillow closer to his shoulder.

“You wouldn’t be if you stayed quiet and watched the show.”

“Do you hate me or what” you scoffed, pouting even more.

Levi turned to you, watching your expression and that’s when you noticed how close you were to him. His breath fanned over your face and you swore you could see his lips twitching and him inching closer, clearing your throat, you looked down, completely breaking eye contact.

“Do you really wanna know?” He replied and you pushed him. “At least clean your hands before touching me.”

“You wish I was touching you” you bit your lip and rose your brows teasingly.

He turned to your face once more, eyes dead serious focusing on you and he licked his lips slowly, posture completely changing.

“Maybe.”

He caught you off guard with that comment, making a small shiver go down your spine, but you decided that brushing it off would be better than acknowledging new reasons to make the relationship you two had more uncomfortable. You knew Levi wasn’t very pushy about things and probably would forget about it as soon as you would, without giving it another thought.

Oh well.

“Uh…” you tried to say, licking your lips again after your mouth went full dry “… are you hungry?”

“No” he said, eyes still on you as you tried to get his attention away from you.

“Uhm… then do you wanna do something else or…?”

Levi inched closer now, his nose brushing against yours and breath warming your chin as you rubbed skin together, feeling each other scents and every little movement was big enough to make both bodies swarm under the tension in the room.

“Levi… what…”

But before you could continue, he closed the distance, lips colliding as you felt the dry specs of his chapped skin brushing against yours. Is this really happening? What…? It was, and he was still going, hand now holding your nape to have your face closer to his than before, as if he never wanted to let go. You turned to the side to allow his tongue inside, feeling it dancing with yours in a difficult and shy but intense tango that seemed too familiar but strange at the same time.

It was a sensation you never wanted to end.

But as soon as it started, it stopped; his hand left your neck and went back to his side, and his usually unfazed look now seemed more panicked, as if he was already regretting it.

Please, god, don’t regret it. Please…

“I—”

You were abruptly cut off by him standing from the couch and grabbing his coat by the rack, quickly opening the door and leaving your apartment, leaving you by yourself and with empty lips but a full heart that felt too heavy for your shallow chest.

Things changed since that.

Levi completely disappeared. Hange and Jean would say that he would leave the key to them and only showed up in the mornings to rearrange things the way he liked them but left very quickly each time. He didn’t text and you didn’t try to, knowing it would be useless since we are talking about him, most emotionally unavailable person to exist. You still went to the bar every night, trying to catch him around and maybe clear things up, but failed miserably.

You didn’t regret it, not at all. In fact, you wished it would last longer, even though it was enough material for your mind to wander around the floor full of eggshells that were your memories from that night. You wanted more, you wanted him, and now you weren’t ashamed of admitting it to yourself.

And you were almost giving up seeing him again, if it weren’t for Sasha, who was livid over how he had reacted and insisted on dragging you back to the bar.

So there you were, Mikasa holding one of your arms and Sasha holding the other, both giving you pep talks on how you should go there and confront him. You knew he was working tonight for sure, that’s because Mikasa told you she’d texted him about it before and learned he was taking some weird shifts and closing on weirder times. Annie was busy with her two-year anniversary with Armin, so she couldn’t come, but she did text you to be brave. The way Annie would, I mean, sending a small “punch him” and a smiley face.

“C’mon (y/n), you look hot and he will regret leaving when you show up” Sasha’s grip on your arm tightened as she tried to drag you inside. “Tell her, Mikasa”

“You look hot” the other woman said, and you knew that she wasn’t putting much effort in because it made you uncomfortable, otherwise you’d have been inside already since Mikasa was stronger than you two combined. “Levi’s an idiot.”

“I don’t wanna go” you said, whining as they let go of you for a moment. “He did what he did and I was pretty much rejected. I don’t wanna push harder.”

“What’s even his problem?!” Sasha crossed her arms, her expression turning into a mad one. “Was he always an idiot, Mikasa?”

“He changed a lot since he was left at the altar.”

“What” you and Sasha said in unison, shocked by the new piece of information.

“Did I never mention it?”

“No?” You frowned, coming closer to her face. “What do you mean by ‘left at the altar’?”

“Exactly that.”

“Mikasa” Sasha pushed her lightly.

“I don’t know exactly, I was 15, but he was getting married to this girl and she left him the day of the wedding.” Mikasa said as if it was nothing. “Everyone was there to see, and he was devastated.”

That left you wondering… a lot. Why’d Levi never tell you about that? You two went into some deep discussions at times, talking about stuff that you never dared to share with others, and he did open up a little about some of his things, but this? You thought that would be something to tell someone you would think of kissing. Unless he wasn’t really thinking those things about you, then it would be a whole other topic that you were too much of a coward to consider.

Did anyone else know? You had so many questions and you really wish you had the answers because of the anxiety now growing in the pit of your stomach.

“You didn’t think that was important information to share?” You questioned and Mikasa shook her head.

“Not really.”

“Okay, we are getting in. You can deal with that later” Sasha pushed you through the door and now you couldn’t say anything else because your feet already touched the wooden floor.

It was a full house, everyone was dancing and singing along with the old jukebox and there were girls leaning on the counter flirting with Jean as your eyes wandered. Hange was mixing drinks and Levi was nowhere to see, what made you feel a lot more comfortable being there. Sasha and Mikasa pushed through the crowd and found you a place on the counter, sitting on stools and leaving you to sit in between them, so you did, and the blonde bartender was the first one to notice you there.

“Ah!” He chirped loudly, leaving the girls behind to come to you. “My favorite girl… and company, hi, hello.”

You noticed he was now flirting with Mikasa, but she just ignored his presence.

“Hot wings!” Sasha punched the counter and grabbed you by side shoulder, pointing at the shelves. “And shots, keep them coming, my friend here needs them.”

“I’m sure she does” Jean kept his gaze on Mikasa, trying to be subtle about it as you rolled your eyes at him. “Our short friend has been pretty hard to deal with lately, so without you around I already knew something went down.”

“They kissed” Mikasa let out.

“ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LEVI?” Screamed Hange from where they were, coming right away and pushing Jean with their hip. “Also, hi, but answer me!”

“They kissed” Mikasa repeated, and you gave up on trying to stop them.

Hange’s hand fell on your shoulder as they approached the group further, inserting the ponytail-head in the middle and readjusting the glasses above their nose, “You and shorty? Are you kidding me?! Tell me everything!”

“I’ll leave you to deal with Hange now” Jean said as they leaned a little more into Mikasa’s side. “So… are you in college?”

She only gave him a side glance and ignored his question, making the man confused.

“Focus!” Hange slammed their fist, now sitting on your side. “You have to tell me about it!”

“Oh gosh, please let me breath!” You rose your hands and they all moved their attention to you, making you feel a little overwhelmed and guilty — they were simply curious creatures. A deep sigh left your mouth as you put your palms back on the wooden surface of the table, opening your eyes slowly. “We kissed… and he left.”

“Without saying anything?” Jean asked and you nodded. “Damn… he ghosted you.”

“He might just be too busy?” Hange suggested and you gave them the harsh glare. “Maybe not?”

“Can anyone bring me—us some wings?” Sasha pleaded, leaning onto the table.

“You two need to talk” Hange added, bumping onto you jokingly. “Kiss and make up.”

“That’s not happening.”

“C’mon, he’s in the back. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you.”

You just lowered your head and that was enough for them to understand.

“Well, I’ll leave you be” they just gave you a slight nod and stood from the booth. “Good luck.”

You felt some warmth crawl into your belly and smiled at them, following by another glance onto the other two in front of you.

“Mikasa is such an exotic name, where did it come from?” Jean leaned further, trying his best to sound smooth but the girl’s reaction was too bothered to be working.

“We’ll leave you be” Hange said as they grabbed Jean by the nape and dragged him back to the bar.

[…]

Sasha was on her third plate of hot wings when caught the first glance of Levi.

He came from the back for a moment to grab the electric kettle from under the counter, turning around quickly as if he already knew you were around and was avoiding any type of contact. Being treated like a disease like that made you feel angry, it wasn’t like you’d done anything wrong, you just kissed him back — he was the one to initiate it! The nerve of him.

You gulped down the rest of your beer and threw yourself back on the cushions of the booth, earning a look from Mikasa, but she decided to ignore it knowing you were procrastinating the inevitable, now focusing on Sasha who was unbuttoning her pants to eat more.

“Hey, you’re (y/n), right?” Someone approached your table, hands filling the pockets of their letterman jacket and blonde hair neatly sitting on top of his head. A thin goatee painted his chin and a gentle look sat around his clear eyes.

“Yea” you shook your head, looking at his face, frowning slightly. “Sorry, I—”

“It’s fine, we have Latin together” you now recognized him as the boy who sat in front of you and occasionally borrowed a pen.

“Oh! Reiner, right? You want some hot wings?” Sasha was not pleased you offered, but you just ignored her growl.

“No, I’m fine, just came to say ‘hi’” he gave you a small smile. “See you around.”

You reciprocated the smile and watched as he left, and your eyes collided with cold, grey ones across the room, behind the wooden counter as you felt your heart rush again, as if it was the first time once more. Levi had his muscular arms crossed as he stared right into your soul, making cold chills run all over your spine, holding your body to make it stop.

He turned around to leave and as if a lightning had just struck in you, your body involuntarily stood from its place and rushed to the counter, running around it and pushing the backdoor open, revealing an annoyed short man holding a cup of tea.

“What the f—”

And before he could even complete his thoughts, you grabbed the cup and placed it on the table right next to you, all that before pining him roughly against the wall, staring quickly into his eyes, searching for the same flame you could see inside you now burning around grey specs. A small smile grew on your lips and you kissed him hard.

He hesitated though, leaning back quickly as if something had snapped in his mind, making him realize what was really happening there. But before you could react again, he turned you around, pining your hands above your head as he kissed you feverously, the other hand feeling the skin of your hips from under your shirt, making the chills go harder around your bloodstream.

Levi moved positions once more, taking the back of your thighs and sitting you on top of the same table, making the teacup fall to the floor, but he seemed unbothered by it. His tongue now made advances on your mouth, playing with yours in soft movements even when his own lips made harsh movements, combining everything like sugar and cinnamon, and the pine scent of his cologne invaded your clothes that were now too hot for your needy skin.

His hands clenched around the fat of your legs, holding it as if his life depended on it and he started to lower his lips to your neck, giving it open-mouthed kisses that made a small moan fall from your throat. Ashamed, you didn’t realize that your grip on his shoulders was a little too hard and he put a hand from under your chin, holding your face as he stared deeply into your soul. A satisfied scoff fell from his own plump lips and he came back to what he was doing.

That was somewhat a dream, something you had fantasized about too many times to count, and now that it was happening, you refused to pinch yourself in fear of waking up alone. But when his slim fingers rose your skirt to your hips, things felt too real for it to be just your mind playing tricks. Small whimpers escaped your mouth as Levi decided to explore around your navel, playing softly with the hem of the lacy panties you were wearing, and you thanked whatever god was up there for not wearing those comfortable ones you almost wore tonight.

He removed your panties and lowered himself now, a small breath fanned over your naked parts, making you shiver slightly, only to be held still by his own hands. He gave you a small glance before you nodded in consent, and it was all it took for him to devour you in the most amazing ways you had never experienced before.

Levi had experience — you could tell — and the passion he exhaled was enough for you to moan without caring about anything in the world. His fingers joined his tongue and played with your entrance, teasing slowly as his mouth did wonders around your sensitive bud, movements going from harsh hands to slow kisses that left you whimpering, needing everything, anything more from him, legs hooping around his shoulders while trying to make him come closer to your heat.

You whimpered, moaned, cried under his spell, and everything felt 1000x more sensitive against his touch. His fingers entered you and played around all the right places, hitting every beat to the song that played muffled inside the bar, making a small giggle fall from you and he noticed it, now fastening his pace as if he wanted to go back to shutting you up with his own mouth.

Repeatedly he hit your most sensitive spot, licking, and tasting all he could as he did his best to make you cum. It didn’t take long for you to feel the heat pooling around your stomach, throwing your head backwards and fisting his hair between your fingers as you felt his rush against your orgasm, taking everything from you simply with his mouth. You moaned loudly as you rode his face quickly, hips moving without your consent and he pulled your lips apart to clean the remnants of your pleasure, not leaving one spot untouched.

Your chest heaved from the rush as your eyes made contact with grey seas that now leveled with your height, watching you under spells of lust while he sucked slowly from his fingers, tasting every last bit of you, like you were mead for his tastebuds, and you could swear you saw his lips curl a little upwards.

“You surely know how to make a mess” he noted, a ‘tch’ leaving his mouth.

TAGLIST

@zeickv @thirstyforsometea​ @nalu-trashytrash​ @umheyasf​​

[amethystpath-writes]

Love Potion/ Love Spell

Original work

Love potion/spell

******

"Oh my god; I'm in bed with Villain," Hero said as she jolted straight up upon seeing the body beside her. She looked down at herself. She was still clothed and she found herself being somewhat disappointed. Still, Hero muttered again, slightly happier than before, "I'm in bed with Villain."

There was a shuffle in the bed. Villain turned onto his other shoulder, peering at Hero, only able to see her because of the moonlight which flitted just between the blinds. "That sounded less concerning than the first. You almost seemed to be scared of being in bed with me. Should I be worried?"

A chuckle slipped from Hero. "No, I just- we- I'm- and you-" She laughed again, this time due to her spluttering mess of words. "I can't believe I'm here with you. I feel like...like this is something I've wanted for so long, and now- I mean, I'm- I can't believe I'm in bed with you now. It almost doesn't feel like I should be here."

Villain reached out, took her hand, and brought it to his lips. "Believe me, dear, you're exactly where you are meant to be." He asked, "Did you have a bad dream, my sweet? You seem offset."

"I- well, I don't know actually." Her eyes became squinted. She left her hand in Villain's. It felt warm there. Comforting. How had she never thought of holding Villain's hand before? "I can't remember how...How did I get here?"

"Is there something wrong? Should I have one of the medics come down and-"

"Medics? No. No, I'm fine. I just-" Hero took her hand back so that she could hold her head, as if that would help her sort out the puzzle which was her mind. "I don't understand what's happening. The last thing I remember...we were fighting and- and I don't know what else. That's all I remember."

Villain hummed, scooted closer to her, and took her back into his arms and chest. "I'm going to go make you some warm tea. How does that sound?"

She nodded. "Tea sounds good." She leaned her head against his shoulder. Hero couldn't say why she felt so comfortable with him in this moment, especially seeing as her last memory was of the two of them fighting. But being warmed by what heat he put off now, being held by him, and having him kiss her hand...It all just somehow felt right, like they'd always been like this with one another. Maybe it really was possible that she dreamt the fight.

But then why didn't she remember anything before then? Why couldn't she recall laying in bed with Villain before? Why could she only remember throwing fists at him that he easily caught? She didn't remember taking a liking to Villain. But it was clear to her now as she let herself be embraced by him in a bed they obviously shared that they liked- maybe even loved each other. Hero felt guilty, not knowing why she loved him. Something was wrong with her. There had to have been.

What happened next both shocked and delighted her. Villain grabbed her chin lightly, despite his always-calloused fingers- and turned her head so that he could capture her lips. He didn't force the kiss on Hero. He gave her time to pull away, but she didn't. Hero wanted the kiss. She leaned in and let him kiss her, just as she kissed him.

Villain released Hero and began scooting off of the bed. "I'll be back with your tea. Honey, not sugar, right?"

"Yeah. Lots of honey." She smiled at him, but before he walked through the door, she asked, "Did something happen to me?"

"What do you mean, darling?"

"My memory. Why don't I remember anything?"

Villain sighed and gave a mock smile before coming to the foot of the bed and sitting just in front of Hero's feet, which were still beneath the comforter. "I was hoping you wouldn't ask so soon, but I guess it makes sense you would. Missing memories is a hard thing to miss." He looked towards the window and Hero swore she saw tears glimmering in his eyes.

"Supervillain, he- uh- finally managed to capture you." A broken, aggravated laugh. "Wiped away nearly all of your memories until you were just this- this vessel without any purpose." Villain swallowed, put a hand over where Hero's feet were. He looked into Hero's eyes and she felt her heart throbbing faster. "Supervillain left the ones where you and he fought but- but he-"

Did Villain sniffle just now?

Hero listened as he continued to explain. "He replaced every image of himself with me. Made it so that you could never fully adjust back to your old life with me because...because every time you look at me, you'll see this- this absolutely abhorrent monster that tortured you. But I would never do that. Okay, Hero? I would never hurt you."

"Have I ever- Have I ever tried to attack you before? Because of my messed up memories?"

Solemnly, Villain nodded. "But it's okay. I know why you do it, and I don't blame you."

His hand squeezed Hero's feet. In a reassuring way, she thought, Not a cruel one. Hero hated that she had to tell herself this. Did he ever do that and Hero think he was going to hurt her? She hoped not.

"I'm going to go make you your tea now, alright?"

Hero nodded after a deep breath. Tea fixes everything. It seemed Supervillain let her keep that bit of knowledge at least.

***

While Villain went to get her tea, Hero began pondering. Memories were flipping through her mind, all of which being how Villain said; he was the enemy in them all, and he always hurt her in the most brutal of ways.

A part of Hero considered Villain actually was an enemy. How could he not be with all of these memories? Well, that was easy, really; Hero loved him. And she wouldn't love him if he'd been the enemy all along. Maybe she couldn't remember how she came to love him, but it was evident in the way her heart sped up when she realized she laid beside him, and even more when he began to speak to her.

But what if the increased heart rate was because of an embedded fear? Not from Supervillain, but from herself. Wasn't it possible that Villain was responsible for her loss of memories?

No. No, because then why would he leave such horrid memories of himself? To make a story.

No!

Hero couldn't make up her mind. It was being pulled in so many directions, producing so many thoughts at once that she couldn't keep up. She needed to think about what she knew.

So what was that? What did Hero know that was concrete? The only thing that came to mind was how much she loved laying beside Villain, how she loved the warmth he put off, the way he gave her pet names, the way he held and kissed her hand. She loved Villain. That was true. Which meant that his story had to have been true about Supervillain.

But what if-

The door creaked open and Villain stepped in with a mug in hand. He came to Hero's bedside and nearly set the tea on her nightstand, but he seemed to notice Hero's distraught face.

"It's happening again. I can see it."

Hero hummed her confusion.

"You're questioning things again. It's okay; I get it." His feet shuffled for a moment and Hero could tell he was trying to think of what to say next. "Listen, I'm going to leave you to your thoughts, but if you have any questions, or you need reassurance or whatever, just- shake me awake or shove me or something. I'm here for you, Hero. Alright?"

"Okay." Hero nodded for what felt like the tenth time this night- or day. It has to be at least 4am right now.

"Oh!" Villain exclaimed quietly, holding the mug. "Go ahead and have a taste real quick." He handed the mug to Hero, explaining, "I wasn't sure if I added enough honey or not. Or maybe added too much. The water was an amber colour after I was done squeezing that bear." He chuckled and Hero took a sip.

"That's- wow. Yeah, no. That's good. That's- gosh, it's perfect. Remind me to always have you make my tea."

Villain smiled. "I would be happy to. I'm glad you like it." He rounded the bed, sliding in under his side of the blankets.

Hero whispered rather sleepily after setting her tea on the nightstand, "Goodnight. I love you, Villain."

"I love you, too, my doll." He pressed a delicate kiss to her forehead as she rolled over to face him. When she closed her eyes, he satisfyingly closed his own.

[junicai]

Relationship with SuperM

➣ BAEKHYUN ☾ baekaria

before being thrown into a supergroup together, aria and baekhyun hadn’t really spoken 

they’d seen each other around the building, and aria was an avid supporter of exo so of course she knew who he was but she wasn’t expecting him to know who she was 

so when aria walked into the practice room and was greeted by baekhyun waving her over and calling her name

sue her if she was a little stunned 

their relationship was a little stilted at the beginning

between the age gap, and baekhyun not having a girl member in a group before, it took a few weeks for the two of them to figure out their dynamic and where they fit around each other 

eventually though

they settled into a pretty comfortable situation

baekhyun tries to put her at ease as much as possible 

there is 8 years in the difference, but you’d swear that its less than half 

although he’s playful and generous with the teasing like he is to other members 

he’s careful to avoid certain topics when it comes to aria, just out of respect for her and not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable

this came to fruition after kai unknowingly made a small comment on how aria “must have been hungry”, considering how fast she was eating

baekhyun knew he didn’t mean anything by it, but he watched aria slowly put down her chopsticks and reach for the bottle of water beside her instead

he didn’t see her eat for the rest of the evening

did kai get in trouble? no but he did get hit lightly over the head

when aria does something cool - like a spin or a trick - baekhyun is the first to say “that’s my child. i raised her, look how well i taught her” 

ten: “heY-”

tldr: although they’re not the closest, aria’s slowly grown more comfortable around him, and he’s looking out for her all the time 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

200829 Knowing Brothers: when baekhyun brought up the members of superm all showering together to get closer quickly, heechul quickly pounced on aria - the girl slowly moving to put her head in her hands. 

“and where was aria during all of this? don’t tell me you brought her to?”

baekhyun: “well of course we did-” 

aria: “NO I STAYED OUTSIDE HE’S A LIAR DON’T LISTEN TO HIM!”

*cue baekhyun laughing his ass off*

➣ TAEMIN ☾ arimin

aria thought she was going to die

there was absolutely no plausible reason that she should be in a group with The Taemin

he was highkey the reason why she had even accepted her position in sm at the very beginning of her training

this man convinced a fifteen year old to give up the sport she’d been doing her entire life 

his impact  (*¯ ³¯*)♡

please stand by while aria tosses herself off a bridge

she was So Formal at the beginning

he honestly was the member she took the longest time to warm up to - because she had idolized him for so long

will still refer to him as taemin-ssi occasionally, but now its less a formality and more of a tease

this boy was shook when he found out how young aria was - mark and lucas he can deal with because at least they’re 1999, but aria....

“2000??? 2000?” 

he said :O

despite their rocky start, they’re quite comfortable around each other, especially after spending a few nights rooming together over the tour

does aria still look for his validation in a lot of her work? yes, but she’s more open about asking for it now then she would have been 

taemin definitely doesn’t have a favourite kid and it’s definitely not aria no why would you think that

aria really out here collecting parents like pokémon 

gotta catch em all~

he looks out for her a lot during their schedules, mainly because he knows what its like to be the youngest in a group and how it can feel a little like you don’t really have a place there

so he always makes sure to include her where possible 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

sitting in a circle in a waiting room while mark toy-ed around with the guitar in his lap, aria sat curled in the corner, humming lightly to herself as taemin sang softly along with mark playing “view”.

quietly, she began to sing soft backing harmonies along with taemin, her eyes still attached to her phone in her hands.

when she felt the device being tugged out of her hands and her being pulled upright by another hand on her arm, she looked up to see taemin smiling brightly, still singing 

cue the impromptu concert of a lifetime: with god tier vocals

➣ KAI ☾ kairia

so, they met

and kai just kinda went: mine.

and that was that really 

its like a puppy refusing to give up its favourite chew toy 

“nooo but its my turn to room with aria :(”

never really did the whole awkward, getting to know each other phase? 

not that aria had any real say in it

but jongin point blank refused to engage in small talk with her

so they ended up spending their nights on the superm tour talking about stuff ranging from why the sky is blue to why aria stopped ice skating

she started crying and he did not handle it well, bless him

although he’s super chill and fun to be around

he’s also the only non-nct member that seriously scolds her 

when he found her in a practice room lying on the ground (she was Resting, thank you very much) at three in the morning, he dragged her out without a word and brought her back to her dorms in silence 

aria knew he was mad at her, but she thought it was because he had to borderline carry her four blocks down to the nct dorms 

“no you idiot, im angry because you thought that instead of coming to one of us for help with the bits you’re struggling with, you figured hey. let’s pass out instead.” 

he’s so affectionate with her

you know how lucas and kai have Intense Brothers Energy

well aria has that, little sister vibe that makes kai want to wrap her in a blanket and carry her everywhere

she’d hate that, if he tried that she’d scream (he did try that, this is coming from past experience)

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

kai chucking aria like a cannon ball into the pool during the filming of mtopia when she refused his hugs.

“oppa, oppa no im sorry ill give you all the hugs you want, oppa, JONGIN-OPPA NO NO NO NO -”

*sploosh*

➣ TAEYONG ☾ ariyong

taeyong took one look at aria the first time she showed up for group practice and immediately adopted her (not literally but he would if he could)

eomma meets highly protective brother meets life coach type beat?

so so soft for her its sickening 

says he doesn’t have favourites and will then spend an hour cooking for aria because she’s been in the studio the whole day and he knows she hasn’t eaten yet

when aria was given a duet to do for the sm stages, she had to pick another member to do it with and her first choice was taeyong 

she always has said that taeyong is one of the pillars keeping her upright and sane - without him she wasn’t sure if she would have been able to complete her training 

because of all the schedules they share together, if aria isn’t rooming with mark then she’s definitely rooming with taeyong

whenever she does his makeup (more often than you’d think) she point blank refuses to cover his scar, even when he asks her to do so

“please? i don’t like it.” “*gasp* how dare you.”

sleepy aria! snuggling into taeyong’s shoulder when a schedule ran late!

he gets uncomfy when the stylists put her in too revealing clothes, and has spoken to them on numerous occasions about dressing her in age-appropriate attire, no matter how “sexy” the concept might be

he keeps little bags of sugar-dusted strawberry sweets in his bag incase she forgets to eat and feels faint after the last time (they used to be blueberry flavoured but he heard donghyuck throwing out any and all “blueberry-contaminated” food one evening)

taeyong doesn’t tolerate hate towards aria, especially in person, so he always makes sure to sit down the line from her so that he can see when people skip her intentionally 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

taeyong had just been awarded the single bedroom on the last night of the mtopia series, and was staring off into the corner looking rather uncomfortable. aria, who was meant to be rooming with baekhyun, looked over and saw his mouth curled downwards slightly. 

“baekhyun-oppa, is it ok if i room with taeyongie-oppa tonight? i ran out of my tablets, and he has some in his bag..”

baekhyun looked down at her with a small smile and agreed, while the edited captions on the video appeared with the words, “a cute maknae asking to room with a younger member..”

➣ TEN ☾ tenaria

Whipped™

so so gone for her its upsetting actually

yangyang and aria share the position of his baby

except aria willingly accepts the title while yangyang would rather fling himself from a rooftop

ten’s instagram is half his cats, half miyazu aria

he posts her dancing practice on his story a lot, with a variety of captions ranging from “thats my baby  ♡( ◡‿◡ )” to “yah that’s not right…(눈_눈)”

such an enabler for her bad ideas

aria wants to go shopping at 4am? ten agrees, now they’re sitting by han river eating ice cream

pls he’s gonna get her in so much trouble one day

when they walk together, ten likes to take her hand and put it in his pocket

its under the pretense of not wanting her to get lost

he just wants to hold her hand

yes he has lost her in a shopping mall, and NO it wasn’t his fault

ten always complains that they never have schedules together and he misses his baby

“we have superm-” “I NEVER SEE YOUUUU (ﾉಥ益ಥ)ﾉ”

if they’re in the same room ten is either watching her out of the corner of his eye, or is actually wrapped around her like a boa constrictor

hugs n kithes all around

only he is allowed make fun of her mistakes in dancing

anyone else gets deaded. he will fight for her honor how dare you insult his baby

sm give these ttwo a dancing duo video pls

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

the first and only time aria and ten had a duet was during their last concert on superm’s first world tour. during the second half of ten’s solo performance, aria emerged from the left side of the stage, coming to join him in the centre stage. no one had ever seen aria as serious as she was then, both herself and ten becoming completely different people in the moment. midway through, aria spun with her back to ten and leaped backwards into the air - eyes closed - completely trusting ten to be where she needed him to be to catch her.

➣ LUCAS ☾ arihei

besties

please they’re so cute together - tol child next to tini child she barely comes up to his chest :(

bear hugs

he just swamps her in his arms, and when he doesn’t feel like being bent over he picks her up

complains that she’s too heavy but then immediately after will throw her around like a softball

someone tell this man to be careful with her she’s not a barbie doll

singular braincell energy

don’t get it wrong, they’re both super smart

so it’s just - being smort together, but then nearly dying because neither of them remembered that you couldn’t eat raw cookie dough when there are eggs in it

she adores how he’s so confident in the things that he does - like convincing the entire nct fandom that he was fluent in english? king behaviour

so aria looks up to him (literally) but also because she wants to have that confidence some day

lucas says they’re not close and then aria pouts and he takes it all back

nczennies made a 14 minute compilation titled “lucas melting like a popsicle in australia for aria”

and literally what the title tells you, this man goes :(( when he sees her

lucas was actually the person to convince her to go ahead with the [redacted] proposal - and reminded her that it was too good an opportunity to pass up just because she felt like she was outgrowing the boys

he’s so proud of her

and she’s so proud of him

they’re so proud of each other and it makes nczennies want to cry because they never are seen together

sm stop separating the platonic soulmates first markhyuck and now arihei smh

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

during a photoshoot, aria was standing off to the side of the boys, dressed in white suit to contrast the boys’ black ones. the photographer was calling out to her to get her to move closer, but she couldn’t hear him from so far away, and so lucas (who was on the end) just walked over to her, gripped her by the biceps and lifted her vertically and to the left a little bit. 

“luc-LUCAS?”

“you had to move :)”

➣ MARK ☾ mari

½ of the best friend crew

honestly at the beginning, mark and aria weren’t very close, having only really seen each other in passing or with johnny

but after being dropped into training together the two quickly became fast friends, and now they’re borderline inseparable

you thought you knew pain? watch aria’s reaction to mark’s graduation from dream :)

mark’s the reason why aria felt confident enough to pitch some of her lyric ideas to the team, after staying up until 4am to help her make some edits so she was as confident as possible

kinda just, rests his head on her shoulder? and wraps his arms around her waist when he’s tired

mari being confused in foreigner: ???

aria said once in a vlive that she finds mark really comforting to be around - when she feels stressed or worried about something she’ll go to mark’s room and just sit on his bed for a while

aria is so close with his parents - “ahh, how’s my favourite child” “i’m doing great mom.” “no not you, how’s aria?” “wh-hu-MOM?”

you’d swear sometimes mark is younger than her, considering the pout he puts on and how much he whines when they’re not on the same team together for promotions

mark big protecc boi but also little small cuddly boi

they’re so soft for each other ( ╥ω╥ )

in one of the fancams for mark’s solo stage during superm, someone zoomed into aria singing along with him in the wings and dancing to herself with the Proudest Smile™

he’s! so! proud! of! her! constantly! she could be walking and he’d be like “omg get it”

when aria refuses to get up and make herself food (this happens way too often, she just gets into the groove of her work and doesn’t want to move) mark gets her to by threatening to do it himself

consistently caught by czennies just standing behind her and holding her hand in crowded areas - airports, waiting rooms, etc.

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

mark and aria were standing off to one side as the mc explained the rules of the game they were about to be playing. mark looked totally confused, and elbowed aria in her side before looking down and mouthing “what?” to her. aria opened her mouth, before closing it and looking down at the ground, muttering to herself, “결합… 結合….. le chéile…. le… le.. oh oh - combined! we have to put them together, markie.”

and thus, a new confusion meme was born

[soupyspence]

Makeno/Akimax headcanons PT2

So I'm back with more headcanons, hope you all like it (plz don't be so hard on me, English is not my first language so if you see any mistakes please let me know😭🖐🏻)

This one is kinda long since I wrote some back story to support the headcanons, it's not accurate at all but let me dream🚶🏻‍♀️This time is from Max's point of view

Whenever people try to figure out who fell first, it comes as a surprise that Aki giggles and Max gets flustered all of the sudden. Max Wolfe, oh lord, he has been deeply in love with Akeno Menzies since they were little kids. Later did he understood that in fact, he liked Aki, no, that wasn't accurate at all, he loved Aki.

But as he grew older he realized Aki was just, so pure, he couldn't bear the thought of corrupting him with all his mess so when Audrey confessed him that she wanted to date Aki since he would look great by her side, Max just slip a dirty joke and let them be.

When he first slept with Audrey he was really hoping she felt guilty enough to confess what she did to Aki and then they would break up -he didn't even liked Audrey, he just wanted to fuck things up with her relationship- but when finally gave the situation some thought, he was already in bed with the pink haired boy and yes, Audrey. God, he wanted to end things quickly with her tonight so she would just get bored and go to read one of those annoying novels she was always talking about.

After the threesome, Max was so sure he didn't want to spend more time sharing Aki; he knew someone as kind and loving as Akeno wouldn't want to be tied with someone as Max. He ghosted Audrey when she texted him for another round of sex and he disappeared from Aki's sight soon after this. Max tried to go back to his old lifestyle- God knows he tried- but as soon someone tried to kiss him under the neon lights of some fancy club, he felt sick, Jesus, he felt as if he were cheating Aki. Max just went home that night.

He was sleeping (not really, he was thinking about a certain boy with dark lashes, ethereal brown eyes and bubblegum pink hair) when he heard someone knocking at his door, he wasn't in the mood for late night sex or drugs

-jesus, it's 4am, who the fuck knocks at 4am?- he groaned as he opened the door but he stopped middle sentence when he see Akeno right in front of him, this was the last straw, he didn't care about Audrey, he didn't care about their lovely relationship and he certainly did not give a fuck about what people might say when they find out Max has been in love with Aki all this time.

But Aki is the first one to confess his feelings without hesitation, that night he let Aki into his house and stay over (he could say something cheesy like he also let Aki get into his heart but he has been there for years, growing into all the lovely shades of pink Max could ever imagine)

A couple of weeks later they reveal to the group they are in fact, dating. It is not a revelation at all, Max has been asking Luna and Monet for the perfect way of saying "I love you" to a certain someone who loves romantic movies, is a huge fan of skateboarding and has a weird fascination with airports. It doesn't take a genius to know Aki fit the description perfectly, so when Monet casually says to Aki that his boyfriend is being a pain in the ass, he just blushes and tries to ask how she knows but he just tells her "He told me he is doing some investigation about something, usual Max stuff" he says softly as he smiles.

Two days later, Max takes Aki to the airport and tries to say the three words, eight letters thing but he is stumbling with his own words -Aki deserves the world, he deserves an award winning love confession-

Aki just looks at him confused and tries to hold his hand but Max just runs to the end of the corridor leaving Aki standing alone in the middle of the hallway, the passengers were looking at him pitifully imagining he got dumped, but then a song started playing from the speakers and Max appeared from the end of the corridor singing cheerfully.

"You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you" he sang loudly as he pointed his finger to Aki "You'd be like heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much"

People in the background were recording the whole thing, being amazed by Max Wolfe singing in the middle of an airport. Aki knew this would be in every single newspaper, his dad will be asking him questions and subtly judging him,but for once Aki felt like he could breathe freely; he had nothing to be ashamed of.

As Max was singing, he came closer to Aki until they could hear each other heartbeat; people noticed it was a private moment between the two boys and let them standing alone in the middle of the hallway.

"I love you, baby" Max muttered while he caressed Aki's cheek "And if it's quite alright I need you, baby"

Aki smiled and Max stopped singing, looking at him full of love "I have never thought I was a romantic nor did I thought I would be singing in the middle of the airport" he said "But your shades of pink have coloured my heart and your name has filled my senses Akeno"

He held Aki's face with both of his hands "I'm deeply in love with Akeno Menzies"

[loverholland]

Bestie Peter decides to surprise you on a night out patrolling but when he gets to your window, he overhears you on the phone talking about some guy (it's you telling your bestie about Peter but he doesn't know) and then he asks about it and you confess?!

sorry for improper grammar and capitalization, it's late and i'm on my phone

a normal tuesday night always consisted of Peter's patrol. he would go and get a sandwich from his favorite sub shop, a slush ie and a water. 6.50. he'd go back to his apartment and change into his suit. then he'd sneak out. he always brought his backpack and made sure to keep it at his "secret-but-not-so-secret" hide out. he always brought it just in case he has some off time and can do homework. he'd patrol from 7:30-4am typically and if he wasn't, he had eyes out to let him know. not super effective, but he got to actually sleep sometimes so it works for him.

but tonight was particularly slow. nothing much was happening and he had done all of his homework, Aunt May was on a date and Ned had Betty over. Two of his go to people were going to fuck tonight and he was on patrol. he could shake his head at the thought, disgusted at the thought of all of that. but he knew that y/n didn't have anything going on for the night. they had mentioned it at lunch today and that's when it his. Peter could surprise y/n. of course, they might be upset after, but he'll deal with that when the time comes. but he loved the idea, so from the queens bank, he swung north and towards the apartment building that y/n lived in.

it takes him maybe 10 minutes to the get to their fire escape. they had a few plants out on it, toad and toadert, some sort of big plant. Peter hung for a moment to catch his breath before bringing his body up and over the railing. he stood there for a moment, looking thru the window that was partially open and a sheer curtain over it. peter removed his mask and smiled as he watched them pace their room, a hand in their hair.

they were on the phone with someone and it sounded like a private conversation but peter couldn't help but to listen to their words. they sounded so in love... and it's not with him. at that very moment, he felt his heart completely break in half and stomped on. he knew that he was in love with them, always has. he always thought they felt the same way - sharing longing gazes, soft touches, quiet words. he's seen the way they look at one another. he might've over thought it, maybe? but nonetheless.

"no, like, he's really sweet, marianne. i promise, i've known him for like... ever." they giggled and threw their head back. Peter took a step back, putting on his mask. "i think i'm in love with him, mari. like seriously."

Peter's eyes weld up with hot tears. he bit his lip and turned his back before shooting out a web to a building close by and swinging away.

he immediately went to his hide out, packed his things and then went home. he sent a text to his big crew group chat and went home. he didn't want to be seen. he didn't want to talk to anyone. he just wanted to be alone to feel this heartbreak alone. it wasn't like it was his first, god no. but it hurt worse. he couldn't even believe how bad it hurt. it felt like his heart was a piano string and every time it played, the strings snapped.

as soon as he was home, he stripped and got in bed. not daring to look at his phone or his room which was surrounded in y/n's things. peter snuggled into his blankets and sobbed. tears running down his eyes endlessly and his chest heaved into itself. he was like that for what felt like hours before he finally fell asleep, softly snoring into the wet fabric. finally at peace for a minute. a moment in time where he is able to rest and that's what he did. peter rested up until 4:27am, when a knock sounded from his window. he woke up instantly, ready to fight anyone and everyone at his window. but with closer inspection, he noticed the bright blue hoodie and necklaces that he knew far too well.

y/n. fucking hell.

peter scrambled to grab a pair of pants before he unlocked and slide open the window, allowing y/n into his bedroom. they looked exhausted and they threw their hands up over their head to catch a few breaths.

"what the fuck!" peter whisper shouted.

"i could say the same to you."

"what do you mean?"

y/n scoffed. "seriously? you say that you can't patrol because something "came up" and then you don't answer you phone for what? 6 hours or something?"

"i'm sorry, i just... wasnt felling well and fell asleep when i got home."

"liar. you were crying."

"i was not!"

"petey, babe," ouch. "i can see that your eyes are swollen. your voice is hoarse. i know you like the back of my hand, i know when it's not just feeling ill."

peter stared at them, his red eyes stinging every time he blinked. he wanted to cry all over again as the heartbreak filled his mind and heart again. without a single thought, peter asked them the age old question.

"who were you talking about?" peter asked, voice trembling.

"what?"

"i... came to surprise you and you were on the phone and i didn't mean to listen to your conversation with mari but your window was open and i was just there and i just heard. i didn't mean to but..." peter sniffled. "who was it about?"

y/n took a moment to take in the rambles and in that moment, peter's eyes screwed shut and tears began to fall. his fists balling as he tried to stop himself.

"petey," y/n started, taking one of his balled up hands and releasing it before intertwining their fingers together. "it was you. it was about you, baby."

"it..." peter started, a sob releasing. in a weird way he needed to let it go. relief washed over him and y/n wrapped their arms around peter's body.

"it was about you. i love you." she soothed. "i cant picture a life without you. i think about you all the time. i miss you all the time. i just want to be with you."

peter's breathing calmed and he blinked for a moment, looking down at them. they offered a small smile, that he tried to return. so many thoughts ran through his head.

"i love you." peter stated, leaning down and kissing them for the first time. it wasn't the longest kiss, but it was sweet, tender and filled with love. peter wished he could have had that kiss for a second longer, but they pulled back laughing.

"you're all snotty." they giggled. "but i love you." they pecked his lips before pulling him to the bed. "let's sleep."

ask box 🌙

[firstknightss]

GWAINCELOT ESSAY THREE???

[commentary voice] ah yes and this gwaincelot essay.... which turned into a fic was inspired by @nextstopparis and @little-ligi

GWAINE TEACHING LANCELOT HOW TO READ. and thats how they actually CONFESS.

imagine gwaine seeing lancelot trip up reading leon’s plan for the day, seeing him trying to understand it. and gwaines, hes a little in love. Hes. Hes a little hit with feelings for this Noble (tm) knight. So OF COURSE he CANT EMOTION and he tries to show his affection for lancelot without yknow being in ‘loVE’

he comes over with his swishy hair and bantery tone like “oooOhHh LANCELOT! Lancey! Hey! Hello! Can’t read leon’s goddamn awful handwriting huh?”

And Lancelots embarrassed and flushes red and gwaine thinks hes Fucked Up (and he really doesn’t want to fuck this up, this is the first time he’s actually felt emotions this deep for someone) and tries to fix it panickedly, like the Anxiety Clown He Is.

He keeps on saying sorry and apologising, and Lancelot, the EVER CALM KNIGHT GUY, goes “it’s fine, it’s okay. It’s nothing to do with you...” and then he hesitates. He HESITATES. “....it’s just that...” and then he BITES HIS LIP and gwaine thinks he might just faint there and then, “...i cant read.”

and now it hits him, gwaine, gwaine, who thought literacy was something trash and something he didn’t really need, realises how important it is. and so, yknow because hes kind of wrapped in those Emotions (tm), he pulls lancelot’s sleeve after practice, when they’re alone in the changing room. (and if lancelot wasn’t so tired and miserable, he would have easily seen gwaine BLUSH)

And he, shyly asks if lancelot wouldnt mind being tutored by him.

Now Lancelot is OVERJOYED, and he’s borderline CRYING because lancelot, poor old village boy lancelot who’d been kicked out of the knights of camelot, and had to become a MERCENARY and fight for masters who didn’t care for him, has NEVER HAD someone literally CARE about him so much. (Apart from Merlin. He loves merlin <3)

so now imagine lancelot waking up an hour early the next morning, and showing up into gwaine’s room. He knows gwaine literally doesnt sleep with a lock, so he just barges in, and starts shaking gwaine.

Now GWAINE sleeps like a Log (had so much shit going on irl, time to sleep it away) and when he opens his bleary eyes, seeing lancelot in one of his stupid v neck shirts over him, hes like “....h...helo??”

and lancelot’s all like. “We- werent YOU gonna give me reading lessons.” And gwaine nods, yawning (and in that moment lancelot thinks gwaine looks unimaginably cute, so cute that he wants to literally ruffle gwaine’s hair and run his hands through how silky and brown it is.)

THEN gwaine pulls on the dont care-ish mask, and makes his arms into a pillow under his head, as he leans against the wall behind his bed, in some kind of somewhat???flirty??? manner??? [i dont...i dont know what hes trying to do. On the other hand! Not does Lancelot :) ]

Lancelot, does not realise this is gwaine’s poor attempt at flirting - since he’s seen gwaine ACTUALLY flirting and this is like. Nothing. And its also poorly executed. Which is NOTHING like gwaine.

So he pulls gwaine’s arm, and half hauls him out of bed.

As gwaine’s head crashes into lancelot’s stomach, he can smell lancelot’s clothes. They smell of flowers, and cotton and everything so natural and gwaine, who literally smells of wine, and wood and Tavern. (And aftershave, or the 500AD equivalent)

[see here, see im trying to bring themes of dionysis okay. OkayyyyyyyyY. yours truly likes looking at greek mythology. And both these two complete dionysis]

Gwaine, in his sleepy stupor, nestles his head on Lancelot’s hip, who gives a sigh and stands there. One hand clutching gwaine’s, leaving the other free.....

....to rake through his soft, flowy brown hair. And twirl his fingers through its waves, and Gwaine cuddles in further.

And since Lancelot left the door open, Leon (the other bitch who wakes up at 4am to do idk nothing) sees them two...like that, illuminated by the SUNLIGHT behind them, and smiles a little.

And then he trips over the stairs, the moment is lost.

Gwaine and Lancelot pull away at the same time, and gwaine’s face turns back to “ha ha im a Jerk (tm)” and if he wasnt too busy trying to hide how flustered he was, he’d see Lancelot looking at him the way he used to look at GWEN.

They both blink and look at each other, understandingly, neither of them to speak of this again.

And then Gwaine drags himself out of bed, and Lancelot raises his eyebrows as he watches him (totally not checking him out) haul out a book from his cupboard.

Gwaine’s too sleepy for this, he keeps yawning and rubbing his eyes (looking like a cat, Lancelot notes) and Lancelot takes a deep breath, his eyes understanding.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“Lancelot, I love..” he bites his tongue, cursing his half asleep mind “..doing this, and love hanging out with you...I just cant stay up this early.”

Reading lessons, from now on, are at 1:30am-whenever Gwaine and Lancelot stop rambling about Odysseus and Circe and Telemachus

[i dont know any other ancient books apart from like. Ancient greek/Roman ones. So i guess. Its not historically accurate,,,,BUUIT this is a fanfic for a pair who had like no scenes together SO i think i can take some ✨creative liberties✨]

Lancelot has heard of the journey of Aneas from travelling bards, singing songs in his native old english. Gwaine’s eyes are quick at latin, and he learnt the flaws of Romulus and Remus in his pure latin. Gwaine’s a good teacher, and lancelot is a quick study, and it’s not long before they’re arguing over which Goddess caused the most harm in the Illiad.

Gwaine’s never met someone who he could reveal that he loved reading to, he loved doing.

Lancelot’s never met someone who he could tell he couldn’t read, and ask if they could teach him, love learning.

They make it work.

The other knights notice, of course they notice. Percival notices how Lancelot stumbles into the Gwaine’s room at night, bright eyed. Elyan notices Lancelot and Gwaine’s voices from Gwaine’s room opposite him; sometimes slow, Gwaine speaking slowly and Lancelot following; sometimes heated and passionate.

(They’re arguing. They’re arguing about how to pronounce Minerva)

Merlin finds the two, in the early hours of the morning - when the birds are figuring what song they sing today - on Gwaine’s bed.

Gwaine leaned against the bedframe, his trousered legs splayed over the sheets. Loosely braided, long brown hair fell over his closed eyelids, his mouth in a small smile.

And Merlin follows his arm draped over Lancelot, snuggled beside him, his head on his broad shoulder, every breath of wind pushing against curly black hair, making it almost /bounce/. His eyes are covered by the other man’s hair, and he looks...content. More content than Merlin has ever seen him.

He slips out as quietly as he came in, and smirks, hes gotta tell arthur they finally got their shit together oh GOD

Its no surprise to anyone but them, when Arthur pulls Lancelot out of training, and into his chambers.

“I’m glad you’ve found someone Lancelot.” He starts, his face geniune, his voice giving away hints of relief. (He thought he was never going to see his knight smile again after all the ordeals that had happened to him)

“Oh...” Lancelot’s heart sinks, “...how did you find out, Sire?”

Arthur blinks, taking in the change of mood in Lancelot, maybe it wasn’t anything important, maybe they were trying to keep it casual, hell they didnt want the king knowing.

“I- uh, I just noticed...” Goddamnit Merlin, and Goddamn his need to tell him everything he saw. (Merlin had advised him not to do this, as they sat on his bed after a long night. This was really his fault.)

Lancelot pales, and he places his hands down on the table beside him, palms slapping stone as he did so.

“Well, I guess I should tell you the whole truth then,” his voice is quiet, and Arthur steps closer, “Sire I am not of Noble birth, and was born in a village - as you know.”

Arthur nods, his arms crossed, but his Kingly Bravado fell away at the sight of his knight, and one of his closest friends, being this vulnerable.

“Yes I know, but what does this ha-“

“And we children in the village we-“ he falters, “-we were never taught to read.”

“Yes, no I understand, I-“ he pauses, Lancelot’s words hitting him a bit too late, this was about literacy?

This, this whole conversation was about literacy?

Not being gay?

Merlin was going to have a field day

“Sire?”

“I understand Lancelot, and is this why you feel a little out of place with the other knights?” He carries it on, with a smile, he has a few questions to ask merlin.

“Yes, and that’s why I asked Gwaine to tutor me from time to time, although, the sessions carry through late into the night, which may have been affecting my performance at practice. I’ll have you know that this is a temporary th-“

“It’s fine Lancelot,” Arthur places a hand on his shoulder, “You are still exceptional at practice,”

“Thank you Sire,” Lancelot twinkles.

✨

“Theyre, theyre not together?” Merlin cant stop laughing, tears streaming down his face, “theyre not TOGETHER?? oh my God arthur what did you DO”

They sit together on Arthur’s bed, drinking wine from stemless cups together, with Arthur recounting the events of the day; red faced.

“I mean, it was your idea Merlin.”

“I just saw them, and I assumed...I didnt...I didnt think youd ASK them.”

“What do you think I’d do then?? Let them be on their merry way.”

“Yes!”

✨

“Do you like me?” Gwaine asks, unexpectedly, one night, the moon vibrant against the loud sea.

“You’re...tolerable...” Lancelot says, a smile tugging at his lips, as the silver moonlight falls against his hair, a halo around him.

✨

The knights give them the look every morning, as the two of them stumbled out of the same room, more frequently than ever.

Sometimes Lancelot would throw on Gwaine’s shirt, when he’d crumpled his own beyond repair. Sometimes Gwaine would put some of Lancelot’s hair oil on, when his hair was frizzy.

They gave each other knowing looks when Gwaine and Lancelot started whispering and giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls.

✨

And then Stupid gwaine had to go get fucking stabbed, and their delicate dance was like trying to waltz through a minefield.

Lancelot clutches onto Gwaine’s arm as Merlin feels his forehead with shaking hands.

“He’s burning up.”

“Infection...?” Lancelot sounds broken, and nods, fumbling with his pack to find some bandages.

It was just a simple quest; a save the day, get the girl, do various harmless shenanigans type of quest.

He’d half expected Gwaine to get the girl, and he cant help but give out a half choked laugh. Gwaine had no idea what hit him when she turned out to be the evil one all along.

He tries to forget that Gwaine showed no interest in her, he tries to forget that Gwaine’s been less frequent at the Tavern, he tries to forget that he hasn’t seen Gwaine with anyone since months now.

Gwaine, his beautiful Gwaine was lying on his lap, hot red blood rushing from his side, staining his polished chainmail with dark, sticky blood.

He’s been out for nearly an hour now, and Lancelot remembers carrying him, through the entire forest, forgetting his sword and his helmet and just grabbing Gwaine and getting the shit out of there.

Gwaine’s lack of self preservation was really rubbing off on Lancelot nowadays.

Merlin watches as Lancelot holds back tears, his own eyes stinging. Gwaine can’t die like this, he can’t die like this....

“hælan beorn adl”

Merlin’s eyes flashed gold, and Lancelot could feel warmth coming back into the fingers he was grabbing.

He was coming back.

And then the weight of everything hits him.

He was in Fucking Love.

✨

“Hey.” Gwaine’s voice is rough from disuse, but Lancelot nearly sobs when he hears the voice.

“Don’t fucking do that to me again, amor meus.” He puts his head down on Gwaine’s chest; finding the hammering of his heart calming.

He shimmies onto Merlin’s bed, which Gwaine had been lying in for the past few days.

“Did you mean, ami meus?” Gwaine sounds tired, too tired to be awake.

“Huh? Did i say something else?” Lancelot decides to play dumb, a sparkle in his eyes,

“I thought I heard amor meus,” Gwaine pushes his nose into Lancelot’s hair, taking in the wonderful smell of coconut.

“Well then, at least your hearing’s okay, amor meus.”

Gwaine gulped, and was sure Lancelot could hear his loud swallow.

“Lancelot, I hope this isnt a big joke with me teachin you latin and all,” Gwaine’s voice is a little wobbly from the slee deprivation and the magic and the pain numbers, “because I’ll have you know that I really love you, and I cant go on like this any longer,”

“Its okay Gwaine, I learnt latin from the man I love, of course it’s not a joke.”

“The man you love? Who’s tha-“

Realisation hits him like a brick.

Oh.

Oh.

“Me?” His voice cracks, and Lancelot looks up, a smirk on his face.

“Of course dumbass.”

“Like I’m meant to know that,” Gwaine tries to keep his dont care-ish aura, but they both know he’s too exhausted to keep that up.

“mmm?”

Gwaine kisses him on the nose, and he wraps himself around him.

And thats how Merlin finds them later that day, eyes blinking as he stood there.

✨

“I’m glad you’ve found someone, Lancelot.” Arthur coughs.

“Is that what that whole talk was about???”

“Answer the question.” His words sound harsh, but he’s barely hiding a smile.

“I’m glad too, I’m Glad I found Gwaine too.” Lancelot blushes, turning to gwaine.

“Why are you asking anyway, Princess?”

“Oh just, making sure this time.”