can't outdrive pain (some day it's gonna take the wheel)
Evan leans back on the couch as he slides the photo album back down on the coffee table. He wasn’t snooping at all, but in the process of moving some things around in the closet while moving his own things in, he’d stumbled upon it. And the thing was, he didn’t really have one of his own. His parents weren’t present enough when he and Maddie were kids to think of having family photos done after Daniel’s death. Most of the pictures that did exist were from disposable cameras Maddie paid for with her own money once she was old enough, and a number of those photos had gotten destroyed by Doug. Evan never really complained about it because there was stuff that Maddie had hung onto and still had, even now, like the postcards he’d sent her while bouncing all over the US and into Peru before he’d ended up in LA.
Still, for all he’d expected to find in the album, which wasn’t a lot, given how tight-lipped Tommy still was about his childhood…he wasn’t expecting what he did find.
. . .
“Baby?”
Tommy comes around the corner of the living room into the kitchen as Evan slides a tray of fresh brownies onto the counter, smiling up at him as he reaches behind himself to untie the apron. There’s enough batter on it that he’s going to have to wash it, but that can be a problem for later.
“You baked for me,” Tommy cooes as he crosses the space, a smile crossing his face as the wafting heat of the fresh brownies hits his nose. Evan tugs the apron over his head and folds it, setting it aside on the counter as Tommy reaches him, slotting an arm under Evan’s around his back, kissing the corner of his mouth.
“You kept talking about them yesterday and I had some free time,” Evan replies. He chuckles softly as Tommy trails kisses down his jaw to his neck, nuzzling against his pulse point briefly.
“So good to me,” Tommy murmurs against his skin.
“Yeah,” Evan murmurs, his face scrunching as he tries not to think of the photo album. When Tommy pulls away, he busies himself finding a knife so he can cut into the brownies and get them each one. “How was your day?”
“Long,” Tommy replies, circling the peninsula and leaning against the counter. He grins happily when Evan passes him a plate with the brownie on top of it. It’s still steaming, almost too hot to eat yet. “What about you?”
Evan inhales a deep breath, unsure if it’s the right time to ask. He gulps.
“I found something today,” he admits. “I was emptying boxes, trying to find space-..”
“I mean I’d expect you to do that,” Tommy replies. “You are moving in. You should find space for yourself.”
Evan nods, still his expression is mildly pained as he looks up at his boyfriend. “I found a photo album.”
“Oh.”
Tommy says it like it’s so simple; like it doesn’t mean anything. But the look in his eyes betrays the sound of his voice, and it makes Evan’s stomach flip.
“I wasn’t trying to-..”
“I’m sure you weren’t,” Tommy says. There’s no anger in his tone, but it still hurts Evan to hear it. His gaze is locked on the counter between them now, refusing to look up. Evan sighs softly, settling his own plate down. He walks around the peninsula and slides his arms around Tommy’s waist, physically having to move his boyfriend to get him to turn towards him.
“Talk to me, babe.”
Tommy gulps. “I honestly never wanted to have to tell you.”
“Tommy,” Evan lilts. He slides his right hand back, bringing it under his boyfriend’s chin and making him look up. When Tommy’s eyes meet his, they’re wet. Evan’s frown sets deeper, reaching his thumb up and brushing away at the first tear as it falls.
“You know what my childhood was like,” Evan murmurs. “How little my parents cared when my bone marrow wasn’t enough to save the kid they were concerned about.”
Tommy nods. They’ve had many conversations about his personal hatred towards the Buckleys and how fucked up he thought it was that at three months old, they’d put their newborn through that kind of procedure to save their oldest child. They’d originally planned to the cord blood—at least, that was the story that Maddie had told him when he’d asked—but it had become contaminated, and given that Evan was already intentionally a genetic match for Daniel, they’d managed to convince his care team to allow the bone marrow transplant, given that it was a last-ditch attempt. It wasn’t Evan’s fault that the graft hadn’t taken.
Still, for as little as Tommy had given in information about his childhood, he’d never really wanted Evan to know just how much he could understand the pain he’d suffered through.
“I told you my father and I don’t talk,” he rasps, sinking against one of the barstools against the counter. Evan nods.
“What I didn’t tell you was why,” Tommy continues.
Evan sits down in another one of them, his hands sliding down until they find Tommy’s and squeezing them lightly.
“Kinda figured after everything about Gerrard that it was because of your sexual orientation,” he replies.
“That was certainly part of it,” Tommy replies with a quirk of his eyebrows. “But it wasn’t all of it.”
Evan nods again, watching and waiting as Tommy stares at the counter.
“Things were never good between him and my mom. That militant attitude you joke about me having? He always had it. It was like even after he took off his fatigues, the drill sergeant attitude stuck around. A-and when my mom left, he turned it on me,” he explains. Evan nods. The few photos from Tommy’s childhood showed telltale bruises. The average person looking at them might take them for childhood injuries, but their job and Evan’s own childhood had given him a generous education on what abuse looked like.
“When I was ten, he broke my arm,” Tommy tells him. Evan had seen a picture of him in a sling but hadn’t pieced that together. “My teachers figured it out, and they called CPS. They tried to find my mom, but whether she’d disappeared into a bottle or was so far into drugs at that point, I’m not sure. Either way, she wasn’t an option, so they put me into the system.”
Evan lifts Tommy’s hand, kissing his fingers.
“It wasn’t great there, either,” Tommy admits softly. “There were people who…” He pauses, shakes his head. “Nobody hit me, but it wasn’t any better. A-anyway, he did the classes they required him to do, and I was sent back to him right before I turned thirteen.”
“You’re not going to tell me it got better,” Evan surmises, his throat tight from the expression on Tommy’s face.
“No,” Tommy whispers back, pressing his lips together in a hard line. “At that point, I’d figured out that I was gay, at least to myself. I was home for like three months when he caught me kissing this kid who lived around the corner.” He pauses again, staring down at Evan’s hand on his as the blonde traces his thumb over the back of Tommy’s knuckles softly. “He beat me up so badly from that, that I didn’t leave the house for a week. But it was summer, so no one knew.”
“No one caught him,” Evan asks, anger tinging his tone. “CPS didn’t-..”
“They’d done a visit like a week before that,” Tommy explains, glancing up at him. “Had no reason to come back so soon. Anyway, after that, I just kept my head down and stayed away from home as much as possible. When I got into high school, I joined as many extracurriculars as I could. I found ways to make money so that I could afford the hotel stays and travel, and when I was seventeen, I enlisted. He thought that was great until he found out I wasn’t going to be a marine because ‘no son of mine is going to join the army. Three generations of Kinard men have been marines’.”
Evan huffs, shakes his head.
“You already know how it went there,” Tommy says softly. “When I got home, I called up a friend from high school and was able to sleep on his couch for a few weeks until I got my own place and enrolled in the fire academy. And then when I was twenty-five, he showed up at the 118.” He pauses again briefly, lets out a haughty laugh. “He got on great wtih Gerrard.”
“Of course he did,” Evan mutters under his breath. He already hates the man they’ve both had to call their former captain.
“He said he wanted to mend fences, but I knew after seeing him with Gerrard that nothing had changed,” he states. “So I didn’t make an effort, and he’s one of those people who thinks your elders deserve respect regardless of how they treat you, so when I didn’t call, it didn’t move forward.”
“Thank god for small favors,” Evan replies quietly. Tommy nods. Evan looks up at him, and it seems that Tommy’s finished. He stands up from his stool and moves into his boyfriend’s space, wrapping his arms loosely around his neck, fingers sliding up through the curls on the back of his head. “He’s unworthy of any of your time.”
“That’s what I tell myself,” Tommy responds softly.
“I hope you know that you are worth so much more,” Evan tells him, brushing his thumb back and forth over the back of Tommy’s head. “I know you still hold guilt over how you were with Gerrard, but that trauma bond didn’t really give you the space to be a better person.”
Tommy quirks his lip up in a skeptical expression. That’s a common disagreement for them, but Evan is determined to get him to forgive himself one day.
“I love you,” Evan adds. “Every part of you.”
Tommy gives him a small smile. “Sometimes I think you love me more than I deserve.”
“Well, welcome to the party,” Evan replies with a smile on his own lips. “Evan Buckley. My boyfriend makes me feel the same way.”
Tommy chuckles.
“What’s the saying,” Tommy murmurs to him, pulling Evan closer, looping his arms around his waist. “We’re all just looking for someone whose demons play well with ours?”
Evan leans down, brushing his lips against Tommy’s before leaning back enough to look down at him through lidded eyes. “Think I’ve found mine.”
Tommy smiles at him, pulling him in so they’re chest-to-chest. “God I hope so.”
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