#I just want this hear bc it truly is only a fraction of the love I hold for these eight men

[deanismysavior]

What if... hear me out,

What if I confessed my deep feelings for you that I've been hiding for so many years, but used my sister's name (and your girlfriend's) name as a buffer to hide myself, claimed you the heart of our group, and gave you a painting that I've been working on for weeks so you could confess your feelings to your gf/my sister bc you got inspired and moved by my coded confession and that I had to push you to confess to your gf while screaming behind your back that you're the heart... what if then?

I think...I think I'd feel confused. Because I've had feelings for you for a long time, but I've been pushing them down for as long as I can remember. And I'm not really sure when I realized, maybe it was that day you moved away, when you told me you’d never dream of joining another party, because you smiled at me, and I felt, I felt in that moment like we were the only two people that existed, and I smiled back at you, and I don't think I've ever felt the same since. And my girlfriend, she's great, she's strong and powerful and so cool, and I wanted to tell her that I loved her, tell her what she needed to hear from me, but after that day...I realized that she's not the person I love, not like that anyway. And when you gave me that painting, I felt my entire heart explode with so much love, because I've never felt so seen, so admired, but then you told me it was from her and...a part of me was heartbroken, because I thought that maybe you felt about me the way that I felt about you, but then you kept talking, talking about her, but it was like, like nothing made sense, like you were talking about her, but you weren't really talking about her, and I thought just maybe...But then you told me that I was the heart, that I had to keep going, that I had to tell her that thing I'd been holding back, that thing that I'd never truly felt, but I couldn't lose her, and you couldn't lose her, so I tried, I tried to tell her what she needed to hear, tried to focus even a fraction of what I felt for you into that speech, but nothing could even come close to comparing. And now I'm so lost because...I've told the greatest lie I'll ever tell. And I don't know how to come back from it. I don't know how to tell you that it's you. It's always been you.

[euphhorias]

the beginning of the final month of the year but today is an angel’s birthday so réka @yooboobies​ my sweet honey, the happiest of birthdays to u !! if u thought last year’s letter was emotional, then this one’s even more so 💜

where to begin? over a year has passed since we’ve, well i’ve, had the pleasure of meeting u and being allowed into ur space 💖 and it’s something i cherish and hold v v dear to my heart bc coming into a fandom such as k-pop, i never expected to make close friends and then have friends of friends but u were one of the first and the fact we’re still here, months later, is magical ✨ we may have been introduced to each other in a different gc, fond memories there, and then u made ur own, the boongie base, and were kind enough to send me the invite 🥹 to which now is a place i’m so grateful for and couldn’t imagine my life without 🥹 the amount of love that’s spread, the silly shenanigans, the delulu convos, and the loveliest of souls, i do not think myself worthy of being a part of something so delightful but it’s all thanks to u so truly thank u for inviting me into this warm space of light and joy, it cheers up my dark days and makes the good ones even brighter 💕

we may live thousands of miles apart but i can honestly say u are one of the most special people i have met, not just from being in a fandom but life in general 🫶🏻 i wish u could see urself how i see u, how so many people see u, a beautiful heartwarming darling who would give the shirt off her back if it would help someone else, ur that kind of selfless person and it’s so hard and rare to find, ur like a diamond in the ruff and deserved to be loved upon as such 💎 not to mention ur INSANE talent !! whether it be sketching or gifmaking, creating sims or teaching lil kids, u should give urself way more credit darling, oh how i would love to have a sliver of how talented u are, both envious and completely in awe of u ajksjksjds 🥰 and another bonding factor: being cat moms and our fur babies looking like precious twins it melts my heart and simply hearing from u, seeing ur gorgeous cute sexy selfies, are blessing themselves and i consider myself v fortunate to be in ur company almost daily ❤️‍🔥

i wish i could do more than post just a silly lil letter, for it’s only a fraction of the love and adoration i have for u 😭 but until we meet (🤞🏻🤞🏻), it’ll have to do tho be forewarned, an in-person celebration will be far more than simply words from me, as u deserve to be showered with gifts and endless amounts of love, so that’ll be crammed in more and more as the years and birthdays go by 🥳 to draw this to a close, i just want to say how thankful i am for being a part of ur life and u in mine, it’s crazy to think there was a time we didn’t know each other but i’m so glad we’re in THIS time when we DO know each other and i count u as a wife, best friend and drinking buddy all in one 🥂 never change, never stop being urself and thank u for bringing the boongie base wives together in the most wonderful polyamorous relationship ever 🥺 never stop loving yoongi, hoseok, sope, bts, for u have one of the biggest hearts i’ve ever known, and please remember how cherished and treasured u are, by all of us 🤍 also, have fun seeing louis next year !! ur going to have the most amazing time !! and of course, enjoy ur special day, it’s all about u my girl sweet loml, stay safe and celebrate this beautiful time 🫰🏻 I LOVE U SO MUCH ENDLESSLY AND ALWAYS 😍🎂👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🎉💛 

[cheemken]

I’m thinking about Iris now and like, ough

You know there was a concept character that had fire powers, and I’m thinking that’s the power Alder and every previous Unovan Champion had

And ig a ceremony has to take place for the gifts to go from the previous champion to the new champion, kinda like the movie. And people get to watch the ceremonies :)

God, imagine being Iris, waiting anxiously for Alder to finish the prayer to Arceus, thanking him for the gift that protected his people. Then seeing him create a great blaze in the sky above the crowd (really just for show) before turning the fire into a small candle flame in his hand, ready to hand it off to Iris

And Iris was so ready, with Alder telling her the flame will not hurt to touch, that it’ll feel like a pleasant warmth engulfing her entire body. So with the reassurance she wastes no time in grabbing the flame with her hands

…only for her to drop the fire the minute Alder let’s go, pulling her hands back in pain, and the flame starts surrounding Iris with scalding fire that neither Alder or Iris can control. Quickly rising above her cutting off any chance for her to run

I imagine this is Arceus taking control of the flame and changing it so she will instead inherit a fraction of his power instead of the flames

But god, once the flames die down everyone is in a panic over what they saw while Alder and the rest of the League are trying to keep the peace

The rumours once the incident spreads. Was she not worthy? Did Giratina do something to corrupt it? Did she reject the gift at the last second?

But lmao yeah you got me thinking about Iris, love making angst for her

But about a storyline, I really got nothing. I just wanted to create angst lmao

Dude that got me feeling like

OUGH,,,,,,, NO CAUSE HCKDBFJD no cause imagine if Iris was still so young during that tho, like 12 at least, can you imagine how devastated she'd be, imagine how humiliated she is, how hurt she is, that Arceus didn't give her a gift. She's proven herself hasn't she? She beat Alder fairly, helped defeated Plasma too, helped everyone in the region the best she could, why,, why didn't she get a gift?

And her mind is just racing w all these thoughts, she starts spiralling, she feels like shit man that she ran away when Alder and Drayden tried to comfort her. And god just hcmdndn Arceus never wanted her to feel like shit, he wanted her to be the one to truly inherit his gift, but he knows that his power wasn't like the gifts he gave the rest of the champions, she really has to train herself hard and work for it for her to be able to use it, but she doesn't even know it exists, she thinks she's cursed

Years went by, she still believed Arceus has forsaken her, Drayden was trying to encourage her that she doesn't need a gift to be a good champion, she's doing well as it is, but it's the pressure y'know, being w the other Champions and how they have their own gifts, she feels like she's an outcast

Now 15, three years since Cynthia suddenly vanished, the same day she became champion too, suddenly she hears more rumours abt the champions, imagine that's how she'd slowly start to realize she does have a gift, like she starts from Geeta bc that's where she probs heard the rumours too, and Geeta finally opens up to someone abt it, and like bcmdnd idk, she's slowly starting to realize just how much the gifts mess up the champions too, how people expect so much from them, and found out why Cynthia suddenly vanished too

Idk like the movie, Iris trying to search for Cynthia, ofc maybe Cynthia has answers, maybe she knows what the future will be, is this making sense chmdndmd

Like, maybe she and Hau are trying to figure out some way to help the other Champions y'know, and through it all, Iris is slowly but surely figuring out that maybe she does have a gift, she just has to dig deeper to find it, to tap into it, to finally use it to help the others too

But you are so right abt the angst omf the Dia angst in this I cannot fucking wait cbdndn hahaha

[searchingformylostpan]

I cant do this amymore. The real one I've been trying to convince this whole time has never been you. Not even for a second. There is no convincing you and i know that all too well. I wasnt giving you what you expected from me and you backed me into a corner so i was sent to rehab the first time when i was so very close to going on my own. All i wanted was to be able to talk to you and not get the feeling that you thought you would catch aids just from being in the same room as me. To feel like a fucking human with the ability to make choices not the completely helpless lunatic you made me feel like and convinced my mother i was. One more conversation where you didnt patronize me and it could have been my choice. I know i was on drugs but guess what i was not nearly as deranged as you said. That was the gaslighting. It was re ams it did happen to me. Lets just go with the last year of it with sarah. You told me over and over that she didnt hate me, that she would never say those things to me, even when i had proof. AND THEN YOU THOUGHT I WOULD BE OK WITH SHARING YOU. THE ONLY PERSON IVE TRULY LOVED. THE ONE I WOULD COME BACK TO, THE ONE I KNEW I LOVED AT FIRST SIGHT HOW THE FUCK DID YOU THINK I WOULD BE OK WITH ANY OF THAT. Im not even that mad at her, she just wanted you too. I came back too soon. I said that all along and its true. I made us miss our chance, i destroyed our happily ever after because i was impatient wow whats new. You didnt get it when i said that to you. I came back too soon and hurt you yeah, but i hurt me more, i hurt someone who's relationship with you would have ended in the same explosion with or without me. I put myself through the worst mental torment of my life bc i was convinced i would loose you forever if i didnt. Answering your call in june and coming over was the mistake that killed us. That was the point that could have changed a lot. But instead now i have way more trauma than i started my addiction with that i won't even begin to let on about bc just the smallest passing thought still destroies me. My mom sent me a picture of a puzzle that was from either you or your mom and that just about sent me into a big loop in the middle of a meeting. Im sorry for how angry this sounds. Im really not mad, i just don't think you know even a fraction of the damage that was inflicted on me. Our love was something special. But as much as i hate to even entertain this thought...the longer im sober the more evident its becoming that i should have saved myself a whole fuck ton of heartache and tried to move on months ago rather than clinging onto memories. You still talk to the one who physically assaulted me- in never speaking to her again. And last year you tried to tell me i was the problem with me and sarah. I had no df respect and you saw that. My terms are as follows, (honestly idk why i even bother i know what i say will never change a gd thing, unless its drive you away further.)

1. You know how deeply i love you, and i know how you love me. But i hope you know how much everything has hurt me. Relationship and private counseling needs to begin immediately.

2. I'm only saying this because of how traumatic this was. Please do not say a word about a threesome until i say its ok. 2021 had some of the best moments but overall its been the worst year of my life. I need help to heal, and i want to be there for you.

3. I don't care how much she cares, i don't care one fucking bit about any of it i do not want to have to see or hear about sydney. Physical assault, based on her own ideas none of which were true and even my mom still talked to her about me after i explicitly told her to stop. Can't do it. At least not for the next 10-50 years. It's not her, it's the reminder that she was still better than me in your eyes, and always probably will bw unless she becomes an iv heroin addict. Yes my brain is a little fucked up that's what the counseling is for.

4. Stop treating me like I'm an apostate. You left me when I needed you most. I couldn't fight to keep you there because i was literally almost dead. I hadn't used the week leading up to the hospital and yeah, i wanted some when i got out because i needed something to numb the pain of the love of my life said goodbye to me while I'm in the hospital and to weak to be able to stop it. I have theories on why you did it, but good and bad, it got me to the lowest point ive ever been to. And I'm still there. I don't want to live. All this shit fucking hurts, it's exhausting...all the thoughts of all the bad shit i did to you on repeat. I just want it to end. But i have to accept that there will never be an end, unless i wait it out or take it in my own hands. I'm only not doing that for my mom. The only help i want from you in that department is just you... its always quieter around you because you actually make me feel loved.

So after all that,

Im assuming thatll leave us at goodbye. Would be nice to actually get a goodbye but really idk what im thinking I'm a fucking disaster writing this. A goodbye to you would honestly most likely kill me. Yay.

[writingtoforgetreality]

The Way You Make Me Feel (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

[Marvel-Masterlist]

Summary: Steve sent Bucky & you on a mission together. Nothing special, you worked well together, after all. This time, you had to go undercover. Pretending to be a couple. Your frustration after an unsuccessful night needed to be released. Bucky had something in mind.

Words: 3,137

Warnings: 18+, NSFW, smut, oral sex, fingering, multiple orgasms, protected sex bc Buck’s a responsible person, this is pure filth, I don’t know what else you want me to say…, language, undercover mission gone wrong, I wanted to write angst??? What happened? …oopsie? I’ll go take a cold shower now.

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

Bucky Barnes. Used to be the Winter Soldier. Now the White Wolf. Muscular body. Broad shoulders. That metal arm of his that did unspoken things to you. Basically, he had ruined every other man for you. Unfortunately, he was not yours. He never would be yours. Coworkers. You were coworkers. Nothing more, nothing less.

The teasing was a given. Both, Bucky & you, had personalities that made it impossible to not flirt with each other. It was all playful, of course. Nothing would ever come out of it. Though, you would have lied if you said that you did not wish for it to change. His strut so manly, so strong. Thank God he was oblivious to how your body reacted whenever he was around. Those accidental touches. His hand touching your lower back. Everything set your body on fire. If it was not enough for him to be so hot, of course he had the most charming smiles to top everything off. It was unfair.

It was even worse that the entire team had picked up on the way you eyed Bucky. How whenever he entered the room, your eyes could not fixate on anything else. How your smile got wider whenever he talked. No matter how hard you tried, you fell for him. Harder & harder each day. The chemistry between you guys was no secret. Which was why you usually got teamed up with Bucky to complete missions together. But that was all there ever was. Constant flirting, teasing. Anything beyond that did not exist.

Another mission with him. Undercover. Your absolute favorite. You would have been fine with Sam or anyone else for that matter. But Bucky? Things were bound to get complicated. It was inevitable. Posing as a couple? Really? As if things were not bad enough already. A couple usually shared a room. You understood that. The thing was that you guys were not together. Not outside of this mission. So you had to deal with your emotions for him while being in the exact same room. With one bed. Yeah, things were starting great. After finishing up here, you would kill Steve for sure. He knew about your crush on Bucky. Probably the reason he liked to send you somewhere together. Apparently, it was incredibly exhausting to watch you guys dance around your feelings. You were a lot of things. A dancer was not one of them. More like an observer. Watching from afar to avoid stupid mistakes. That was more fitting.

Gala number one was over. Without any luck. There was no new information & nothing that brought you closer to your target. Just hours of unnecessary pretending & fake laughing. That was exhausting. Especially if Bucky had to be close to you all night long. Always an arm around your waist. A kiss on the cheek for effect. If it were not for this stupid mission, you would have enjoyed every single second of it. Sadly, it was an act. That thought alone broke your heart into a million pieces. Not even you were sure when your feelings for Bucky started. It was like you were thrown into ice cold water all of a sudden & now you had to deal with the aftermath.

Unsuccessful missions always left you frustrated. This type of frustration that let you overthink every little detail. What if you did this? What if you did not do that? What if, what if, what if. Mind being filled with so many thoughts, it was barely possible to stay sane. Even worse, you still had a couple of nights ahead of you. If you did not finish this job then you should not head back. Great. If all nights turned out like this, you would throw yourself out of a window. No, really. You were exhausted.

His body language revealed how stressed he was as well. Completely tense, clenched jaw. He did not like it any more than you did. Truthfully, he was even angrier than you. While the two of you worked well together, when things did not go your way, it could get pretty heated real fast. Words thrown at each other’s heads. Blaming the other one for that particular thing because if that did not happen, then you would have finished this mission already. It took a few hours until the tension died down again. An apology later & you were back to normal.

Not today, it seemed. The two of you were worse after that gala. Maybe it was because you felt uncomfortable all night. Maybe it was because you had to stay here for however long. Maybe it was just him. Him acting like a shy gentleman. Like the husband obsessed with his wife. Wanting to show her off whenever the chance was given. Tonight, you were her. You were his wife. You were the one he wanted to show off. But you were not really her. Just a fraction, if anything. He pretended & so did you. At least that was what you told yourself. Deep down, it was so much more than just pretending. It was like giving in to a craving you had had for years. And while it was not much, it had to do. Had to be enough. Because that was the most you would ever receive. The most he would ever give you. How you wished this were not the case.

So why the hell was he staring even more intensely than usual? Why the hell did he eye you up & down like a hungry animal waiting for the perfect timing to attack its prey? Why the hell did his hands clench into fists? And why the hell did it affect you so much? So much, in fact, that your thighs pressed together involuntarily. An action that did not go unnoticed by him. Standing up, flexing his muscles. Eyes that looked darker in the barely lit room. His never leaving yours when he approached you carefully. He took his time. You knew he did it to give you enough time to escape this situation if you really wanted to. You did not, though. For once, you wanted to give in. For once, you wanted your body to fully feel. Feel him. All of him.

His body was only mere inches away from yours. The exposed skin on your back pressing against the cold wall of your hotel room. The dress did not cover much. Enough to keep the others interested. And apparently to keep him interested, too. Both of his arms came up to rest next to your head. By now, he was caging you with his entire body. An action that let goosebumps appear. You breathed the same air. It seemed like the time stood still. Everything that kept on was you & him. In that hotel room. Against the wall. If he decided to lower his head just a little, your lips would be touching. He did not. No. If this was about to happen then he wanted to take his time with you. Tease you. Hear you. Feel you. Your breathing picked up its pace. He had not even touched you yet but you were already reacting like this. His smirk showed you how much he truly enjoyed having you putty in his hands. One of his legs moved slightly. Until his knee opened your legs slowly. His thigh pressed against your center. Barely, barely enough pressure to give you any form of satisfaction. Yet, you could not help but whimper at his touch. To shut you up, he pressed his soft lips against yours in a passionate kiss. There was no hint of gentleness behind his actions. Just purely heated with a desperation that made you weak at the knees. You melted into his touch, your hands roaming all over his chest. Any way to bring him closer to your body. His metal hand found itself at your waist while his other one cupped your cheek. An almost tender action that balanced out his rough & relentless kiss. It was like he was your drug & now that you got a taste of him, you would never let go again.

When his hands brushed over your shoulders to push the straps of your dress down, your breath hitched in your throat. His mouth went down to your neck, sucking & gently biting every now & then. You moaned when he reached a certain spot. Staying at this place, he focused solely on it all while pushing your gown further down your curves. The moment it reached the floor, he took a step back to take in your full beauty. To him, you were the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. Not wasting another second, he dropped to his knees in front of you. So close to where you wanted him the most. Where you needed him. His hands grabbed your hips tightly. It would sure leave bruises but you knew you would love looking at them after waking up. Because he did that to you. Kissing his way down your belly, he made sure to focus on his task. His eyes opened when he reached your panties. Silently asking for permission. You were too far gone already so you eagerly nodded at him, threading your hands through his soft locks. A slight push earned you a groan. One, that went straight to your pussy. But he would not give in that easily. After all, he had waited so long for this to happen. He would savor it in great detail. His flesh hand kneaded one of your breasts, rolling your nipples between his fingers. You were in a state of bliss & he had barely touched you. That was enough to let him know what he did to you. Before you could even process what he was doing, he pulled your panties off in one swift motion & slid his metal fingers through your slit. The coldness of it made your excitement grow even more. Usually, you would feel embarrassed by how wet you were. But this was Bucky. With him, it was different. An approving hum coming from him was enough confirmation. You had no need to be ashamed.

His fingers worked slowly, almost lazily. He knew how to push your buttons. By the way he touched you, so skilled, with such certainty, it was like he knew your body better than you did. Bucky encouraged you to be noisy, he wanted to hear you. The sweet moans, the whimpers, that he caused. He was the reason for them. Finally, he found your clit & put more pressure on it. Rubbing it in a steady motion. You could feel your orgasm building up already. You wanted to warn him, wanted to let him know that you needed a tiny bit more. He got the message when you pulled his hair tighter. While his finger stayed on your bundle of nerves, his head dipped lower, using his tongue to eat you out. And holy shit. That man knew what he was doing. He was so skilled, you assumed he had had tons of women before you. Right now, you could not care less. Your entire focus was on his ministrations & how his tongue entering you mixed with his fingers on your clit brought you higher & higher. Gripping his hair harder made him groan into you. That was all it took for you to let go. Your thighs shook & if it were not for Bucky steadying you, you would have fallen to the floor. For a few seconds, your vision was all blurry. That had never happened before. All the people who you had been with had never managed to satisfy you quite like this.

Again, his lips met yours. This time, you could taste yourself on them. And if it were possible, it turned you on even more. Both of his hands went to the back of your thighs, lifting you up with ease. He walked over to the bed & laid you down gently. All while his lips stayed locked onto yours. He propped himself up on his arms in order not to crush you with his weight. It was only then when you realized that he was still entirely dressed. Which was not really fair, considering that you were completely bare in front of him. Your hands went to open the buttons of his shirt but since you were still shaky after that first mind blowing orgasm he gave you, you could not quite succeed with that. A low chuckle escaped Bucky & his face left yours to help you out. His frantic actions showed you how he did not want to waste any more time. You barely had enough time to appreciate his body in its full glory. His muscles. His soft skin. Bucky knew what he wanted & he wanted it now.

He topped you, this time you opened your legs for him to slip in between. The kisses grew more & more passionate. But before you could get lost into it once again, he pulled away from you entirely. Your eyes opened, concern written all over your features. Bucky shushed you before you had the chance to ask if you did something wrong. Crossing the room in no time, he came back with a condom in his hand. The wink he sent you made you breathe easier. So he was not about to leave you. Opening the package, he took one of his arms to stroke over his thick cock. Sitting up, you kissed him while taking the condom from him. Your hand grabbed his wrist & you replaced his with yours, mimicking his previous motions. He groaned lowly & you smirked at his reaction. Twisting your hands just right, you picked up your pace. By the way his breath got heavier, you assumed that he was enjoying it. Suddenly, he pushed you away from him. Not hard, just so you would get the message. You knew what he was getting at. Giving him another short peck, you rolled the condom on & laid back down on the mattress. He followed your motions & set himself between your legs again. One arm on each side of your head as to not hurt you. His tip teased your entrance. Slowly sliding up & down to gather you slickness. Whenever he touched your clit, a moan left your mouth. That went on for a while. After all, Bucky made it his job to tease you. When the whimpers got too much, he asked you a simple question. In that deep, lust-filled voice of his.

“What do you want, doll?” you knew what he was trying to do. He wanted you to beg for him. But you were not that type of person. Not usually. Bucky was the exception. And he only had to ask that question twice before you gave in, the frustration clearly audible.

“Please, Buck. Please, I need you.” that did the job. In one swift motion, he entered you, filling you up so painfully right. That familiar, delicious sting. He stilled for a second. While he knew that he wanted to make this rough, he did not want to hurt you in any way. So he let you adjust to his size. Only when you moved your hips slightly & when you moaned out his name did he start his thrusts.

At first, he set a steady pace. Long, deep thrust that made your breasts bounce in the sweetest way possible. Not once did he close his eyes. No, he wanted to remember everything about this. Everything about you. You being under him. It did not take long for you to beg him for more. Giving in, he quickened his thrusts. Now, much deeper than before. He reached places inside of you you did not even know existed. The entire bed was moving & for once, you did not care if anybody heard you. All that mattered was the man on top of you. The man who made you feel like this. Like you were a goddess that needed to be devoured. During this moment, you felt like the prettiest woman on Earth. Bucky made you feel like that. You hated your body’s reaction to him. Because you could already feel your second orgasm building up. You did not want this to end so soon. You did not want to let go. But you knew you could not hold it back. Not much longer. Not if Bucky kept going like this. Somehow trying to signal that you were close, Bucky got an idea. His entire weight was now on his right arm while his metal one made its way between your bodies. Before he touched you there, he gave you an order. One that you could not help but obey.

“Open your eyes, doll. I wanna see you cum for me.” he said it in such a sexy way, barely above a whisper, but loud enough for you to understand that he was serious. So you did. You opened your eyes, locking them with his. That was when his metal fingers started rubbing fast circles around your clit. The noises coming from you got louder & louder. You were so close. When his thrusts did not slow down, you knew you would be there soon. The last bit it took came from Bucky, lips brushing your over your cheek, breathing another order in your ear.

“Cum for me. Yeah, that’s it. Cum all around me.” you had never heard something so hot coming from him. His words brought you over the edge. For the second time tonight, you saw dark spots clouding your vision. Bucky watching you cum under him made him reach his high as well. He bit your shoulder when he did. The pain mixed beautifully with the ecstasy you were currently experiencing.

He stilled inside of you, the two of you breathing heavily. You had never felt this satisfied after sleeping with someone. Slipping out of you, he rolled onto his side, propping his head onto his arm. There it was again. His charming smile. While he was a shy, polite gentleman outside of this room, he sure as hell did not hold back in bed. And you were glad that he did not. Smiling at him, too, he leaned in one more time for another kiss. This time, it was soft. Delicate. Not like the ones you shared only a few minutes ago. This sweet, romantic moment got interrupted when Bucky gripped your hips & rolled you on top of him so you were straddling his lap.

“I’m not done with you, doll.” yeah, it was about to be a long, tiring night.

Published (04/07/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @sweetserendipity65, @buckysleftarm420, @longinusfilibuster, @kathsheaven, @your-local-awkward-barista, @xfeliciahardyx (thanks for your support <3)

[cartoonsaint]

I'm loving your thoughts on the hlvrai characters! Can i ask your thoughts on Forzen for the ask game?

YEA I FUCKING LOVE FORZEN HE'S SO FUNNYYYYY also i love that they had scorpy double up sjfdljasdf like rtvs is a pretty big crew they couldn't find?? ONE other person?????

FAV CANON TRAIT: alright so there's lots of ways to interpret forzen and i know that "someThing like benrey" & "old enough to be shipped with other characters" are popular but they're not my favorite bc taking him at face value is just. so amusing to me. SO my fave trait is: he just wants to graduate!!!!!

sure maybe he's an older student but my first thought was 'COLLEGE??? this man's a BOY?????' like i am a year out from 30 (yay!) and let me tell you there's leagues of difference between who a person is at 20 vs a decade later. 20 is a KID. he's only just stepping into adulthood and he's fucking HERE, at black mesa? not just in the military (YIKES, not good for anyone, but the draw of a college education and upward mobility can be really tempting) but in the middle of an alien invasion?? and then his entire team dies and he STILL puts himself directly at odds against the bizarro super murderous science team??? and then has the guts to fucking try to talk his way out of it with BEYBLADES, and that WORKS???? and then he somehow kidnaps the immortal dog of the most murderous guy on the team (who also was the one most swayed by said beyblades) and has the chance to try to negotiate for himself... only he can't even articulate what it is that he wants?????????? honey u could have just gone home. the military's dead and gone man i don't think they're all that concerned about ur college education rn

this young man's only got a fraction of an idea of what's going on, but dammit he's got guts and he's gonna give it his all anyways!!... and then his all goes so, so badly. god, how silly. how wonderful. unstoppable object but it has no idea what direction it's supposed to be going so it just goes in circles and doesn't end up doing any damage whatsoever.

LEAST FAV CANON TRAIT: why why WHY does he speak french. he's canonically the last surviving member of the UNITED STATES military, not canada's so why does he speak french why would he do it in the middle of a hostage situation why pLEASE

FANON PET PEEVE: this is not quite a pet peeve but i do laugh every time i see it: there seems to be a lot of post canon domestic-y art that just... ignores him? forgets him? actively excludes him? like the whole crew will be there, the science team and benrey and sunkist and the g-man and darnold, and everyone's alllllll happy and together and forzen is just. never even mentioned, at all

why?? cuz he was a boot boy? benrey is some kinda effed up space god thing, bubby sold gordon out to the military, coomer tried to kill him with 300 clones, the g-man fucked around with gordon's life for the sake of his son's bday party. they've all done terrible things but they all get to be part of a happy, hopeful ending. and all we know for certain that forzen did is be part of a truly shitty organization (and, um, hold a dog hostage... but come on, sunkist was in no real danger), which to me doesn't seem like enough to exclude him from like. a future with happiness?

post canon domestic stories are about forgiveness, aren't they? they're about making up for what happened and finding common ground? about learning and becoming better people? forzen, ex-military ex-dognapper and outside of the hell that was Black Mesa, lost in life and probably never gonna graduate now, running into the group of people he'd expect to hate him most... only to find that he's actually welcome? that's a story i'd love to hear, is all.

also i think it's so easy to be funny with him. pleeeeeeeeease please use him more please i've never asked before <3

[ahundredtimesover]

He’s Leaving (FNTO 2)

They weren’t kidding when they said everything you touch turns into a mess.

Pairing: Jungkook x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: strangers to friends to lovers, popstar/idol!jk, fluff, angst, future smut; this is a dialogue-heavy series so read if you’re into that! JK’s angry in this one 

Warnings: foul language, these characters talk alot bc I talk alot, eventual smut

Word count: ~12,000

Series summary: You meet pop star/idol Jeon Jungkook at the cafe, you get close, and as Hyejin says, you’re like friends with benefits without the sex. But you’re bad at feelings and so is he.

series masterlist

A/N: This takes place 7 months after that night Y/N’s ex shows up! Italicized parts refer to past events. And since I’d mentioned this was initially for Harry, I remember now that Home by 1D was my mood for this, so listen to it as soundtrack (getting emotional while listening to it & thinking about how this ends)!   

#

He’s leaving. 

You stare blankly at the wall dividing your living room and bedroom and say the words once more, in your head and then out of your mouth.  

He’s leaving. 

You say it over and over again, alternating between question and statement. 

Jungkook’s leaving. 

“Yes, Y/N, that’s what I just said.” Jimin mutters over the phone.

“But why? I mean, since when does he leave ahead of all of you guys?”

“He decided to schedule a meeting with one of the producers he’s working with for his mixtape. It isn’t with your cousin, though, otherwise Jieun would’ve told you,” Jimin responds.

It’s the first week of August and the first show of the next leg of their world tour isn’t until a week from now, but Jungkook’s already headed to L.A. and he didn't even tell you about it. In fact, he hasn't said a word to you in the last five days, which is oddly surprising. 

“He hasn't spoken to you?” Jimin asks, picking up on your thoughts. Perhaps your silence gave away the frustration you were feeling. 

“Nope,” you reply, the sadness in your voice unmistakable. 

“I hope you don't think I’m one of those people who’s gotten so attached to him that being ignored for five days feels like the end of the world… because it really isn’t. I’m just worried and confused,” you continue. 

You aren’t blind. Jungkook’s surrounded by women, some vying for his attention, some wanting it back. They’d act out either way, displeasing him although he’d never say it out loud, but you were pretty sure you weren’t one of them. Right?

“Hey, of course not! As both of your friends, even I’m surprised. You two are like, inseparable, long-distance buddies,” he claims. “But to tell you the truth, I have no idea what’s going on either. Are you sure you didn't fight for real this time?” 

No real fights, you say. Your arguments about who has better smelling detergent or your choice of movie to watch or him stealing your oversized sweatshirts were as far as you two went. You often had serious talks, but when you didn't see eye to eye, you always just agreed to disagree, and then it was back to petty fights and annoying each other like little kids again. 

“I’ve to head out now, Y/N. I’m sorry I couldn't help, but I hope you two patch things up! Just call if you need anything,” Jimin says after a few more back and forth of questions and answers about how the past week or so has been, just to pick up on any clues as to why things just suddenly came to a halt. You put your phone away and sit on the couch.

A few months ago, it probably wouldn't have mattered if he didn't text or call for a day or a week. You couldn't even truly come to terms with the fact that you’ve become good friends with Jeon Jungkook, the ‘golden maknae’ and self-proclaimed international playboy of the biggest band in the world who has the unenviable position of being half the female population’s (and a good fraction of the male’s as well) dream everything. 

It amazed you how this oversized-clothes wearing boy with a bunny smile and doe eyes and who liked to talk to insects and impersonate chickens and act out Ironman fight scenes could arouse the sexual musings of individuals of all genders and ages. But then again, he does have that mellifluous voice and has this tendency to hump the air and dance wildly enough to reveal his abs, so you do understand the collective reaction.

For a high profile celebrity like him, it seems natural to be drawn to people from the same industry, for romance purposes or otherwise. Much of it has to do with the fact that they get the lifestyle, as his other band mates have shared, some of whom having dated fellow pop stars and models. But you aren’t from the same circle, or clique, or planet. While you’re your university’s star athlete, volleyball isn’t religion here, so there isn’t any “lifestyle change” of some sort. 

Before Jungkook, your only window to celebrity life was through Jieun, your LA-based music producer of a cousin. Yet, you’ve always been wary of the spotlight, and those who loved it too much, which is why it baffled you for quite a while why you were so fond of Jungkook. He loved the spotlight enough to make his job look so easy, but he felt real  — so real you almost thought he wasn't. 

#

The midway mark of September has rolled in. Once the celebrations of your championship win over the summer were over, it was back to focusing on work and school. You’ve started your probationary period at a research institute, and you’re riding out your fifth year of university after your senior year knee injury left you out of school for a month and out of the graduation rites. This meant a chance to actually win the championship, which you did, and to appease your ever growing interest in gender studies, you decided to take up a minor program too. 

It’s 8 am on a Monday and you’re enjoying your iced americano at Annie’s, your aunt’s café that she lets you run to help sustain your lifestyle. You monitor the daily operations, which means checking up on it everyday, and since class isn’t until nine, you always have your breakfast here. 

Your back is turned to the door and you’re packing up your stuff, laughing at something Woojin, your café manager, is saying. 

You stand up, swing your bag strap to your right shoulder and without paying attention, turn to your left to head out. Except instead of going for the door, you go for a body instead. The next thing you know, you’re massaging the right side of your forehead because holy crap this person has a knife for a chin, or a shoulder, or whichever part of the person’s body hit you. 

“Ow!”

“I. Am. So. Sorry,” the person says. His voice is low and raspy, sleepiness still evident in it, and he says those words as if each is a sentence on its own. “Are you alright?” 

By this time it has registered. You are looking up at the man who made your then-65 year old Grandma shriek. But that was last year and you bet if she were still alive now, she’d do the same, probably even louder. 

You could hear customers enjoying their morning coffee whisper quite loudly “Is that Jeon Jungkook?!” And then it registers again. Yep, it is.

Eyes wide, you tell him that “good thing I don’t have coffee or that pretty white shirt of yours would’ve been messed up.” 

Really, that’s what you say? 

God, you sound so stupid, so you bat your eyelashes and put on a smile, as if that would save you the embarrassment. He grins.

“Yeah, good thing you didn't,” he says, letting out a little laugh.

You smile again, a bit awkwardly though, just to acknowledge his appreciation of you not ruining his Monday morning. As you’re about to step to your left to go for the door this time, he furrows his eyebrows. “You look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere?” 

Well, you know where you’ve seen him, but you don't say that. Instead, you mumble “probably in your dreams?” Again, what? 

He laughs again, this time more loudly. You’re amused at the child-like tone of his laugh, a complete contradiction to his toned body and tattooed arm. Your eyes travel up. Right, that was his shoulder you hit, you realize.

This is such a turn-off. Why does he keep laughing at stupid things? 

“That sounded different in my head. It wasn't supposed to be a pick-up line if ever you thought so,” you clarify. 

“No I didn’t, but thanks for confirming,” he says. You notice him smirking.

“Well, that settles it, then. Bye!” You wave, and you go for the door, for real this time. 

It was an interesting way to start the week. You rarely have VIPs entering your café, especially in this quiet part of town, and so it’s quite a surprise to have him check it out. What’s even more surprising is seeing him there again the next day.

Your back isn’t to the door this time, but you’re zoned in on the paper you’re working on, eyes focusing on the laptop screen. It’s only when you momentarily look up and see Woojin preoccupied and seemingly distressed on the phone that you hear someone say, “excuse me” with his inked hand up that you realize your VIP is back. You stand up, approach him, and ask what he wants to order.

Jungkook’s face lights up. “Well, good morning, dream girl,” he greets. You flinch at the thought of what you said the day before implied. 

“Please don’t,” you plead, before exploding into laughter. “Not my best moment, eh?” 

He smiles again, shaking his head as if agreeing to what you just said.

“What do you want to order?” 

“So… Annie?” He diverts.

You aren’t sure if you’re happy that asking for your name means he won’t have to call you dream girl again, or embarrassed because now there would be a name to the face. 

“Annie’s my aunt, but I help run the place. It’s Y/N.”

“And I’m Jungkook,” he says, putting out his hand, as if you don't know who he is, which actually impresses you. You’ve heard of famous people's tendencies to act like everyone knows them, making them forego the courtesy of introducing themselves properly. You shake his hand, a little calloused but soft nonetheless. “This is Sejin. He told me about this place and how good it is,” he continues.

“Which is why you’re here for the second day this week?” you ask, fishing for some feedback on your food. 

“I wanted to get back at the girl who would’ve spilled coffee on my shirt yesterday. Turns out this place has some great food as well,” he says, a smile creeping onto his face. You aren’t quite sure what to make of this. 

You insist on their orders, suggest your bestsellers, and turn it over to the kitchen. As you’re about to head back to your seat, he says, “I remember where I know you from!” You look at him, curious. 

“You’re Jieun’s cousin! She always posts about you,” he excitedly claims. 

You nod. Of course, Jieun. You could’ve figured that out and told him yesterday instead of the dream girl thing. 

“Right. Jieun,” you start. “She sucks up to me like that to convince me to visit her in L.A.,” you explain. You try to keep your voice steady. You don’t want to give the impression that having this conversation with him is already the most interesting part of your week, even if it is. Who gets to say that Jeon Jungkook recognizes their face anyway?

“You don’t like L.A.?” He asks curiously.

“It’s just not my cup of tea,” you respond, angling your body to move towards your table, but facing him still. You’re glad that the morning rush has ended and there aren’t many people in the cafe who minds enough that you’re talking to Jeon Jungkook. 

“Then what is?” he asks, arms crossed against his chest, looking genuinely curious. 

You let out a laugh. “Jasmine, chamomile. Lemongrass on some days,” you say. “We’ve got good ones you should try,” you tease. 

You aren’t the type to spill things about you that easily, and he picks this one up. He nods and smiles. The only other thing he says to you before you leave is that the food is good, and that he’d “see you around.” 

Of course he would, because for the rest of the week, he kept going back, right around the same time as you’re there. This isn't new, of course. You have so many customers who come everyday at a particular time — right before school or work or just part of their daily routine. But he didn't fit the profile of a regular customer, but you also could admit it was nice to see a fresh face around. 

It’s Thursday of that week when he tells you “I have meetings and stuff in this area and your food’s really good,” after you give him a questioning look as to why he’s here again. And it’s the next day when he comes alone, orders jasmine tea for himself and for you, and asks for your number after you talk about Disney movies and the damsel in distress trope. And cats, and how much you hate them. 

~

You have your back lying on the couch for 10 minutes, debating on whether you should drive to his place and ask what’s going on, or stay home and settle on phone calls for the next 2 months that he’ll be gone for the tour, if he’ll even pick them up. Because you’ve tried—you’ve called and left messages, not to ask why he hasn't been texting or if anything’s wrong, but just to crack up jokes that are way funnier than his, or to talk about food. You know, normal things. 

You like how your texts never start with “good morning” and “what are you doing?” They’re usually along the lines of “some cat left a paw mark on my car, my day is ruined” or “I tripped in front of an old lady and she almost died laughing” or “what movie should I watch if I want to forget I have a shit load of work to do” or a picture of whatever food you ate that day. 

Things are never formal with you two. It’s always very casual that sometimes you forget that his “show’s about to go on, I’ll talk to you later” text means he’s just about to perform in a sold-out stadium in front of thousands of people in Japan or something — like it was no big deal. Or that his “hang on, someone will just talk to me” is really code for “I’ve got an interview,” which you know will be newsflash and then posted all over social media immediately after. You enjoy this bit because it feels so natural, neither of you feel like you have to impress the other. 

“Will you stop air fucking and pole dancing on the mic stand,” you’d say. 

“Stop talking to me and do your report already,” he’d say. 

“Seriously, why are your clothes 3 sizes bigger? How much food are you hiding in there?” You’d laugh over the phone. 

“Your sweatshirt looks like shit, can I have it?” he’d annoy you, and then proceed to take it home. 

You like making fun of each other as much as you like talking to each other. He’s easy to get along with and not pretentious; you’re comfortable to be around and not judgemental. He doesn’t have a problem telling you if you’re being too whiny; you don't mind calling him out for being too much of a perfectionist that he’s actually not being productive anymore. 

Jimin was right when he described you two as inseparable, long-distance buddies — whether it was a night out with friends or a night in doing papers, if it didn’t clash with his schedule, you were together. Even if it was a quick take out dinner at 11PM  after a long day of practicing, he’d be at your place.

Whenever he’s away on tour, he’d be constantly updating you about fan signs and the food and the weather; similarly, you’d update him on the café’s customer of the day or this new e-book you’d discovered or the weird dream you just had. You never feel any sort of pressure or expectation; neither of you feel too attached, despite the amount of time you spend together. 

Regardless of how your constant texting or hanging out when he was back in Seoul seems like to others, neither of you ever felt like you had to define what you two really are. That’s what you always think the reason is as to why it works — it just does because you don't feel like it has to go a specific direction. 

Despite all that, it still feels odd that he hasn’t been returning your calls or even updating you on how his day has been. The longest you’d gone without talking was 3 days, and that’s with a heads up. The next few months will be crazy for the band, what with the remaining shows of their tour. It isn't like him to just disappear from your life like this. 

“When was the last time you saw him?” your best friend Chaewon asks over the phone when you finally decide to call someone after finding out Jungkook’s leaving.

“He’s not lost, okay. He’s just not calling,” you correct her. “But last week, we went for a drive, he slept over, and that was it. He just…” you trail. You aren’t even sure how to describe what just happened. 

“Then why don’t you go over there?” She asks, almost as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

“I don't know, it might get messy. You know I’m not good with confrontations.”

“Just go, Y/N. He probably won’t be calling you after he’s left if he’d been dodging you like this.” 

Chae hangs up shortly after. You figure she probably doesn't want to hear another one of your excuses. You take your best friend’s advice and head for the door, get in your car, and take the 30-minute drive to his house.  

#

“I like to leave,” you tell him. You glance to your right where he sits at the passenger seat of your car then look back on the road. You and Jungkook had just spent dinner with your friends at Chaewon’s apartment and you told him you could drive him back to the dorm. 

He gives you a puzzling look. “Is that some sort of warning that I’ll wake up one day and you’ll just be… gone?” he asks, eyebrows scrunched up. You could see there’s a hint of concern on his face. 

“Oh, I meant I like taking trips,” you laugh, realizing the oddity of what you had just said, which was a response to Jaehyun, your other best friend, mentioning you being voted as ‘most likely to evaporate into thin air’ in high school. 

“Some days I wake up and just feel like being someplace else. So I grab my backpack and my trusty map, get into my car, and head out. By myself. Somewhere,” you say, shrugging, like it’s the most natural thing that people do. 

You describe to him the places you’ve seen — the lakes and mountains and fields that many people don’t know about, how the sunsets are like from there, how the trees and flowers smell like, how otherworldly they look. 

Most of the time, when you’re plagued with fear or sadness or doubt, you just leave. It’s your quick fix, your Band-Aid. You could be gone for a day or over the weekend; sometimes you’d be out for a week and not even your best friends know where you are, just that you’re safe. 

“But why?” he asks. You think it was ironic since this is a guy who leaves for a living. 

“When I was younger, we had this class and the teacher asked us to draw an object that represents us. I didn't even have a clear idea of who I was, how could I find the right object to symbolize me? You’ve got to find yourself, that’s how you’ll know, she said. I asked her how. She told me to go look at a map,” you narrate, looking back at that moment when you stared at your teacher trying to figure out if she was kidding or not. 

“I guess you find yourself in places you don't know. Or you realize who you really are when things get chaotic and you go somewhere far. Or you pull yourself away from the crazy to take a breath and escape some things you’re not really ready to face…” you state. 

“I never knew exactly what she meant, but I figured they all made sense,” you continue, slowing down the car as you’re a block away from his place. “You’ll always find a reason to leave.”

“But does leaving solve any of your problems?” 

“Not always, but sometimes the problem is nothing that you leave behind. Sometimes the problem is you.” You’d thought about the times you came back and felt like a different person with a different perspective on things. 

You look at him smiling, and you realize he’s been looking at you the whole time. You pull on the brakes, ready to say your goodnight, but he isn’t quite finished.

“What’s your favorite thing about leaving?” 

There are so many things you love about it. You love how it means you have the freedom and capability to do anything you want. You love seeing new scenery, discovering places for the first time, meeting new people and learning their stories. It is such a human thing to want to leave, you think. You like everything about it, even the parts where you get completely lost or rained or snowed on because you weren’t prepared. 

“Coming home,” you say. 

He softens at this, a pleased look on his face. 

“It’s like you’re gone for awhile and you see things for the first time, but then you drive back and you start seeing the familiar things — the streetlights, the driveways, the parks, the cafes… And all those constant things, they’re still there even when you leave, like they’re just waiting for you to come back.” 

“You should know that. You’re always jetting off somewhere new,” you say. 

“I leave because I have to. It’s part of the job.”

~

That conversation is ringing in your head the whole car ride to Jungkook’s house. Your knack for driving off is one of those things you never really share with anyone apart from your best friends. You never liked the thought of having to explain yourself to people, especially those you haven’t known for long, but with Jungkook, it never felt like you had to explain anything; you were always just sharing pieces of yourself that you knew he appreciated, that he somehow understood. 

You pull up behind the black SUV parked in front of his place; the same SUV that you know his driver uses to take him to the airport. You turn off the engine and go through the half opened gate, up the steps and through the door. 

You greet one of the members of his security team as she heads out the door and your eyes immediately turn to the two black duffel bags lying on the floor. They’re plump and full of things. You imagine all his black hoodies and sweatpants and leather jackets. You picture the bucket hats all neatly folded and his favorite Balenciaga sneakers tucked in somewhere. It feels weird, standing here at his foyer and just waiting for something to happen. 

You hear steps skipping down the stairs and his voice, assuring “I’ll call you when I get there” to someone on the phone. 

He’s looking down on it, texting someone who isn’t you. He does a double take, probably not expecting to see you standing by his door with a sad and confused look on your face. 

You’re fidgety and you feel nervous. You never liked confrontations, even if you were convincing yourself that is not why you came here in the first place. You just want to see how he was doing, maybe ask what he’s been up to, wish him luck on the shows and that you’d see him when he gets back in two months. 

“Y/N…” he starts. “I wasn't expecting you to be here.”

“Why, because you didn’t expect me to know you were leaving because you didn't tell me?” You say too quickly, resolve dissipating, tone and voice betraying you.

He looks taken aback. “Does it matter that I didn’t?” He says defensively, pulling up his duffel bags on a chair and seemingly looking for something inside one of them. You know he’s just distracting himself so he wouldn't have to look at you. 

“You go home to your parents for three days and you ask to see me the day before, and now you leave for North America for two months and suddenly it doesn't matter that you don’t tell me?” Your voice is getting louder and you immediately wish you hadn’t come here at all. It seems like he doesn’t want you to be here just the same. 

“You didn't even bother returning my calls or texts. And now you’re leaving. Your first show isn’t even until a week from now,” you say, crossing your arms. “What’s the rush?”

“I have a meeting with a producer,” he responds.

“That you couldn’t do during your free days there?” You snap back. You know this, you know they’re given some free time and he could’ve easily slipped that in there.

He sighs, knowing he can’t get out of this one. “I just want to be away from here, that’s all,” he says, glancing at you and then back at his bags. 

“You mean away from me?” 

He continues shuffling things in his duffel. He doesn’t even respond. You know it. He’s leaving because he wants to be away from you. 

“What’s going on, Jungkook? One day we’re laughing our butts off until we fall asleep and the next you just… not call at all.”

“I just didn't feel like it, I guess,” he says, zipping one of the bags and adjusting its strap.

This infuriates you.

“Well that’s nice. It seemed like you always felt like coming over with dinner, keeping me company while I worked, convincing me to go out for drinks, meeting me at the café for breakfast but then all of a sudden you don’t feel like calling?” You bite back.

He’s silent for a while, as if finding the right words to say. 

“You know what else is nice?” he starts, looking at you. “Calling me to come over on Friday nights when you don't feel like being out, asking me to stay the night and having me sleep next to you, kissing me and then telling me that ‘this feels nice and comfortable and fun’ and that I really am a great friend’.” His tone is angry, frustrated, desperate.

You feel your jaw drop open even if it’s closed. You did not see this coming at all. You always felt like you two were on the same page, that you like each other’s company so much that you prefer staying in on Fridays watching movies or National Geographic. You thought you both understand that sleeping next to each other only means you want to talk and laugh until you fall asleep, which is what happens all the time. You kiss then, which you treat like a goodbye because you don’t know if he’ll be there when you wake up. 

“I never thought of you as the selfish and unfair type, but I guess there’s just too many layers of you that it takes time before this side of you comes out.” He swings both his bags to his right shoulder, hinting that he’s ready to leave, that he’s ready to leave things like this. 

He starts walking towards the door. “They weren’t kidding when they said everything you touch turns into a mess.”

Your eyes widen in shock. “What the fuck, Jeon,” is all you could say. You’d never seen him this upset. Worse, you’d never seen him this upset at you.

“So what, I turned us into this big mess and you leave just like that? Like it’s not even worth talking to me about whatever it is you’re feeling?” you ask, following his movements. He’s halfway out the door by this time. 

You follow him out, overtake him and make sure he could see your face. “Leaving doesn't always solve problems.”

“Well, Y/N, sometimes it does. Because sometimes you’re not the problem, it’s what you leave behind.”

You look at his face, trying to find pieces of him you thought you’d figured out. He turns away, not wanting to see you like this. You see him soften a little bit, like he didn't mean for things to turn out this way, but you know he isn’t going to let up. You have so many questions running through your mind. What did this all mean? What’s going to happen now? 

“It’s sad how when someone you care about tells you exactly what you are to them, you realize at that moment what they are to you, and it’s the complete opposite.” 

He turns to look at you this time, his face screaming a kind of sadness you’d never seen before. You’d talked about him being homesick all these years when he’s out on tour. He’d shared how the gossip and his negative image have affected him and his relationships. He’d talked about how difficult it was holding onto things and people that were real, but none of those moments could compare to this one and to this look he has on right now that lets you know he’s upset and it has everything to do with you. 

You’re the one he’s leaving behind. You’re the mess he wants to get away from. You’re probably the last person he wants to see before flying out because you’re the problem he doesn't want to deal with. 

“Jungkook…” you start, although you have absolutely no idea what you want to say. You look at him, eyes pleading for something, anything. 

“I have to go,” is all he says. He turns around, clutching his bags over his shoulders, and walks away.

No ‘see you around’ or ‘I’ll call you soon’ like always. It was just ‘I have to go,’ like it was the period to the past months you two have been hanging out. ‘I have to go,’ like ‘leaving you is this need I have to fulfill.’ ‘I have to go,’ like, ‘this is it.’ 

You watch him walk out the gate. You watch the car drive away. There’s always something poetic about watching someone leave. You’d been used to that growing up. Your parents were always leaving, saving lives in places that needed saving, but you always knew they’d still be thinking about you and missing you while they were away. 

But with Jungkook, it was different. You hadn’t quite gotten used to him leaving all the time, and right now, you aren’t sure he’d be thinking about you or missing you while he was gone. 

‘I have to go,’ he said. Like, ‘I’m leaving. I don't want to stick around. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be with you.’

#

Things don’t feel real. You’ve been driving for 30 minutes, unsure where to go, reeling over the conversation you just had with Jungkook, if you could even call it that. It’s like he just dropped a bomb on you that you didn't know he’d had all this time. 

There was so much frustration and sadness on his face that morning and you couldn't get the image out of your head. What have you done? You kept asking yourself. 

But you reason that none of this is your fault. You thought everything was clear between the both of you. Sure, you never really talked about it, but if he was really feeling differently about you, then why didn't he just say something? 

“I’m heading out,” you say to Jaehyun over the phone. He’s always the first person you call when you feel like driving off.

“I’m guessing the talk with Jungkook didn't turn out well?” he asks. 

You don’t respond. You don’t really want to say anything to your friends about all this until you’ve figured things out. 

“Chae told me,” he says, interrupting the silence. 

“Yeah, I figured,” you reply. Information is so fluid between the both of them.

“So where are you off to?” 

“I don't really know, just wherever,” you say, but you know exactly where you’re going. It will just take another hour until you get there.

“Alright, just be safe,” he says, before hanging up. 

You step on the gas and turn on the music. Anything is better than the silence that’s ringing in your ears right now. You hum to the tunes of Colde and LeeHi, praying to the heavens you won’t hear Jungkook’s voice on the next song. This is your ‘favorites’ playlist and he had sneakily included some of his band’s songs one day when you went out to the market to grab some fruits and he stayed at your place watching TV. 

About 60 minutes later, you reach the place. It’s en route to a town a couple of miles south of the city. It’s a turn to the corner, onto a dirt road and a path lined with shrubs and small trees. The entrance to the main beach is right off the highway about a mile away, but you’d discovered this entrance not long ago when you drove off on a Sunday, two days after your ex-boyfriend came knocking at your door months after he broke up with you. It was the first time you spoke since then, and it was also the first time he ever tried to explain himself to you. You remember that trip; it was 7 months ago and it was also the last time you’d been here. Somehow you just felt the pull of this place. 

You realize later on, as you sit on the shore watching the sky turn purple and orange, that you told Jungkook about this when you were here. 

You watched the sunset then just like today. It looked so beautiful and so you snapped a picture and sent it to him. He was in Japan at that time for an event. You’d told him you’d fallen asleep and were just listening to the waves crash on the shore — your favorite sound in the world, you’d said. When it was all over, you decided to call it a day. 

“I’m driving back now,” you’d told him. “Okay,” he responded, voice tired from the day he had. It was rare for you to talk to anyone when you were out. You felt like a part of home was tugging at you when you did. But Jungkook was away and you just wanted him to see what you were seeing. You felt it was a way for you to tell him that you were fine. He didn’t seem convinced when he’d left your apartment that Friday night after Jinyoung visited. The photo you sent of the sunset, and the next one of you lying on the sand, smiling, were enough to convince him that indeed you were. 

“Okay. Hold on to the feeling once you see the familiar,” he’d said. He knew you loved that feeling. He always said he imagined a smile creeping from the left side of your mouth when you realized you were nearing home.

“You’re familiar, Jeon,” you’d told him.  

You liked the idea, that you saw him as something familiar. You’d only known each other then for a few months but you’d talked as if it had been years. He was away but he still felt constant. 

“So are you, Y/L/N,” he replied. 

You were thinking about this, about him, as the dust settled and the sky’s now a pretty dark blue with tiny hints of burnt orange. The waves still sound majestic, truly something you can never get tired of. You feel the cold autumn air tingle your insides. You close your eyes and breathe in to try to immerse yourself in your surroundings, hoping against hope that something will click and things will make sense.

You’d spent the whole afternoon here yet you feel like nothing’s changed. He is on the plane to California and you’re still confused. You still have the same questions from last week, from this morning. He’s still your constant; you just aren’t sure if you’re still his. 

Leaving doesn't always solve problems, you told yourself. You just wished you’d told him one more time. Maybe he would’ve stayed. 

#

“We’re having Spanish,” Chaewon says as you enter her apartment. “And you’re late.” She continues, turning to you with slices of apples and oranges in her hands. You could hear the laughter and the cheers from the living room. Nobody’s minding you because a soccer game is on. 

You envy their energy — why you agreed to continue to help run the cafe even with a full-time job, you don’t know, but it’s starting to take  its toll on you and all you want to do is sleep. Jungkook and the guys will soon be in full preparation mode for the start of the tour and  your superstar friend, who had now also claimed your own friends, wanted to have dinner with everyone before things got too busy.

“You cooked?” you ask, returning your gaze to her after looking out on who is already here.

“Nope. Take-out. But the Sangria is homemade.” 

“Take-out?” you repeat, excitedly,  making your way to the table to check on the food. 

“Jungkook wanted Spanish and take-out,” Chaewon confirms, as laughter roars from the living room. 

You walk over to check on everybody else who all acknowledge your presence with air fist bumps. 

“So you’ve moved past Chinese and Japanese take-out and have gone for Spanish now, huh, Jeon?” you question. He gives you his signature bunny smile from his seat on the floor. He does that quite often when he’s showing off or after he’s done something nice. 

“Hey, it’s a classy place and I get a discount. And, Chae sounded tired when I called so I took it upon myself to save dinner,” he proudly declares, standing up and motioning towards you. How cocky, you think, but you return his pinch on your cheek with a pinch on his nose.

Dinner is as fun as dinner with your friends always goes, but your hectic schedule that day made you extremely tired. After moving to the couch and a glass of Sangria later, you feel your head spinning and rest it on Jungkook’s shoulder. He notices your tired face, nudges at you and says he’s going to take you home. “Thanks, Jeon,” you murmur under your breath. “I promise I won’t puke.”

It takes a few glasses of water and a handful of profiteroles to get you sobered up and ready to head out. He helps you get in his car and you retreat to a semi-fetus position until the next corner. 

“You’re really tired, aren’t you? You’re never this quiet during a car ride. Even when you’re drunk you won’t stop talking… or singing,” he teases. “Out of tune, I might add.” 

You sit up from your sulking position. “Sometimes I just want to choke you, you know” you remark with a serious face. 

“Do you want to feel the wrath of my women?” he questions, winking, referring to his army of fans who are protective of him, and for good reason. 

“They’d probably want to do the same, only in a sexual way.” At this he laughs, shaking his head as if to say you’d done it again, teased him like this and made his cheeks blush.

The ride is a quick one for a Thursday night. You feel you haven't made fun of him enough as he pulls the brakes in front of your apartment building and immediately steps out and walks to your side before you could even thank him and say goodbye. 

He opens the door and pulls you out like it’s routine, although you clearly remember he’d brought you home when you were drunk only twice, one of which was when he’d found you half-naked in your kitchen with a knife, ready to attack him. Since then, Jungkook had made sure to never let you be that drunk again, and always made it a point to feed you sweets so you’d stay awake. 

He’s successful though — you’re sober and awake tonight. You’re just really tired. 

You unlock your apartment door and he steps in with you, goes straight to your kitchen and makes you tea. He knows that chamomile makes you sleep well, and that’s exactly what he prepares.

“So comfortable in my place already, Jeon,” you say after realizing what he’s doing. He just knows in what cupboard your mug is kept, and in which box the chamomile is stored, and how much sugar you put, but then again, he did help you quite a bit organize your kitchenware. He opens a drawer to get aspirin - “Just in case,” he says. You watch him like he had done this many times before. 

A small smile forms on your lips. 

“Look, you’re tired and I convinced you to come tonight. If you don't sleep well, you’ll wake up in a bad mood and complain to me again that your neighbor’s cat is loitering on your steps… and then you’ll blame me.”

You laugh. For someone who deals with so many people everyday, it amazes you how well he remembers things about you like that.

“I was about to say how I like hanging out with you because you make me coffee or tea…”

“You’d do the same for me, Y/N, no matter how much you want to stop yourself from doing so.” He winks at you, tastes the tea, and places it on the counter. 

You sit on the chair and feel the aroma of the tea soothe you. He stands there watching you, pleased with what he’s done. “You good?” he asks, and you nod behind your mug.

You don’t need to be taken care of, you’d told him once. You don’t need someone to be looking out for you when you’re drunk and being clumsy, when you’re busy and not eating, when you’re injured and unable to walk properly, when you’re stressed and needed a break. 

“If you don’t want me here you could always just tell me, you know?” he’d said once. “I won’t take it personally. We’re good with each other that way.” 

But you never asked him to leave. In fact, you always wanted him to stay, always asked him to.

“Ready to call it a night?” he questions, after you put down your empty mug.

You look up at him. You could feel your eyes falling and your body aching for a warm shower and your sheets. It’s been a crazy week and it isn’t even over. You want to rest, but you also don't want to be alone.

“Can you stay?” you ask, biting your lip and trying hard to pull off your puppy eyes so he’d say yes. 

“Sure,” he says. He didn’t wait for an explanation. He didn’t need one. He just understood.

You give him a warm smile. 

“I know you love my couch, but I might forget in the morning you’re here and I might stab you for real this time,” you state. “The bed’s big enough for both of us and Chandler,” you offer, referring to your hedgehog stuffed toy that’s about half your size. 

“At least I get a blanket!” he claims.   

“Thanks, Jeon.” 

A soft smile appears on his face. “Anything for you, Y/N.”

~

By the time you decide to leave the beach, the sky has already settled in a midnight blue. The waves are crashing, and from across the water, you could see lights from the small town not so far away. You think about spending the night there, or driving someplace else and sleeping in your car until the next morning. But you decide to go home, even if you know you’ll just be thinking about him more if you do.

You turn on your engine, put the windows down, and listen to the wind. You think about this morning again. You’re still in denial that he’d said what he did and the implication that you probably led him on all these months. 

But you’re convincing yourself that he couldn't pin this on you — he was always calling, he was always texting, he always wanted to be with you after a busy week, he always made it up to you when he couldn’t come over, he always stayed when you asked him to. 

You two kissed, but it was a soft one, not ravenous or lust-filled. He didn't pull away and you didn’t try to deepen it. But he looked so good after their show and he was gonna be gone for the tour and the alcohol was talking and you let it. 

You kissed again after that. There was no drunken night to blame it on the second time, but it was raining when you woke up the next day and he looked so warm and comfortable sleeping on your bed that you just felt like you had to. But he kissed you back, softly still, and he didn't say anything. He didn't pull you in for another one after. 

If he really felt anything, then he should have. He should have grabbed you and told you he wanted more, that he was feeling differently, that things were changing. He should’ve done it then or any other time after that. He was always honest with you, but you didn't understand why he wasn't honest about this one, why he decided to just stop things and leave you hanging. 

Maybe you weren’t away long enough, because you didn't even realize that you were already home until you saw your neighbor’s white sedan parked in your street. You pull the brakes and park behind it, thinking you were probably absent-minded the entire ride back. 

There’s no warm feeling inside that you’re back. This wasn’t a trip that was meant to change anything or make you figure out how to fix things. All you thought about was that you miss him terribly, and maybe that’s what it was meant for, rub in your face that he’s gone. 

You drag yourself up the stairs and enter your place. It suddenly feels like he’s everywhere in your apartment. You’d moved in last year and not even your best friends or your mom had imprinted enough of themselves inside.

There’s the cup Jungkook bought for you after he broke one of your favorites. There’s this pack of granola bars in your pantry that he got so you wouldn't have to gobble up ice cream when you were hungry. There’s the spare toothbrush he started using after his first night in. There’s your sweatshirt that he returned, and his hoodie that he said he’d get back the next time he sees you. 

And there’s the counter where you both shared take-out dinners and homemade breakfast. And there’s your couch where you spent nights working while he watched TV on mute. And there’s your bed where he’d slept next to you a few times. 

“I shouldn't have watched all those stupid chick flicks when he wasn't talking to me,” you think out loud. Now you’re left with an apartment that has him everywhere. 

You’re  not even together. You’ve shared so much of yourself to each other but never ‘I like you’s’ nor ‘I love you’s,’ not even ‘I miss you’, but why does it feel like you’ve shared all that and more? Why this sudden feeling of emptiness after he told you he had to go and then  left just like that? 

Everything you touch turns into a mess, he told you. 

Your friends joke about it all the time. Your penchant for trying anything that remotely interests you doesn’t necessarily mean you’re good at it. Whether it’s decorating those Valentine’s cookies that Hyejin bakes, molding those vases during a pottery class you impulsively signed up for, or even making pajeon when Chae said you couldn’t fry anything other than your broken-yolk eggs, you just have the tendency to end up with final products that are nothing like what you intended. In look or substance, they’re just not that pretty. Jungkook always laughed along.

But he said it to you today like it burned him. As if to say, look at what you’ve done, I don’t want to be a part of this. 

#

“So uhm, are you just going to sit there and watch us or are you going to help?” Jungkook asks from the floor of your living room, paintbrush in one hand, goodie bag in another. 

Body sprawled on your sofa with legs hanging and kicking off the armrest, you look at him with a pout. “Jaehyun doesn’t want me to.” 

Jaehyun sighs from where he’s sat on the floor. “It’s not that I don’t want to, Y/N. It’s that I can’t afford to.”

You roll your eyes. “Yeah, whatever,” bitterness apparent in your voice. 

It’s a Sunday and your friends are at your apartment to help Jaehyun decorate the goodie bags he’ll be distributing to the kids at the orphanage that he volunteers at. Twice a year, he throws them a party that requires decorating giveaway bags that contain the books and sweets he’s bought with his own money. Jungkook ended up there because, well, by now you don’t question him anymore. They had a day-off and he said he was bored.

“Jaehyun’s being kind. Y/N’s just really shit at these things so he doesn’t let her touch these,” she says, holding up a bag where she’d painted a rainbow. 

“You got the color order wrong,” you shoot at her. She responds with scowl.

“Come on, Jae. Pretty please. I promise I won’t mess them up like last time,” you plead to Jaehyun. You know he has a soft spot for you.

“You said that the last time, too” Hyejin chides. 

“Wow thanks, guys. No one’ll even pretend to be on my side, huh,” you sit up and frown at everyone.

“Y/N, we are, like, most of the time.” You glare at your friend. “But I spent my money on these and the party is already next week and I really want the kids to feel hopeful and inspired, not scared, okay? And I want them to actually keep the goodie bags, not throw them away. It’s nothing personal, I promise.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” you wave your hand at them and give up. 

This is a usual occurrence. You know you’re useless with anything that involves the arts that’s why your only contribution every time you guys help Jaehuyn is your apartment as a venue. 

Jungkook arrived an hour earlier with a glimmer and excitement on his face when he saw what your friends were doing, like a little kid at a candy store. He wasted no time and got right down to business. God, those kids who will get his bags would never know they were holding a goldmine. 

“So what happened the last time?” Jungkook asks. 

“She tried to draw a bear but it ended up looking like that character from the monsters cartoon, you know, the one holding its eyes?” Hyejin recalls, laughing as she recalls the proud look on your face and the distressed one on Jaehyun’s. “She tried to remedy it but like, just no. It looked terrible.” 

“No kid would feel hopeful with that,” Chaewon adds.

“I really had to do quality checks of her work and I threw them all away cause they’d gone lumpy. She didn’t even mix the paint well,” Jaehyun continues.

“Yah! I think Jungkook got the message, okay?” You start chuckling, seeing Jungkook’s amused face and his effort to not laugh along at the thought of you being shut down for something you thought was a pretty thing you created. “I’ve accepted that art isn’t my forte.”

“So is cooking, baking, pottery, organizing, arranging…” You throw Chaewon a pillow, smack to her face like she deserves.

“But seriously. Trust her to score the final point of a championship game or write a 30-page report on housewifization and its subordination of women but if it isn’t sports or research, forget it. Everything she touches turns into a mess. RIP to all the cookies and goodie bags and vases that never saw the light of day,” Hyejin dramatically claims. “It’s kind of her thing.”

You shrug. It kind of is your thing. Your unartistic, unorganized, and mindless chaotic ass, for the life of you, just can’t get it together. Clothes and shoes all over the place, gifts wrapped in frayed gift wrappers, cooked food looking inedible… relationships that crash and burn because you couldn’t decide if you wanted to care or not, because you did whatever you felt like just cause you wanted to, because you got too close and didn’t know when to pull away… Yeah, definitely.

You turned to your friends who were all back to being immersed in what they were doing, proud look on their faces at the pieces that will definitely give joy and warmth to whoever will get them.

“I just mess things up, though. At least I don’t break them.”

~

You wake up to the sound of your phone ringing in your ears, surprising you so much you almost fall off where you were lying. 

“I’m outside,” Hyejin says on the other line. You get up and open the door.

She turns to you after seeing the blanket on your couch, realizing you had slept there instead of your bed. “Too much of Jungkook in your room, huh?” she says, looking sad, not realizing there was too much of him everywhere. You had just been too tired to go to your room when you got home, but you didn’t answer. 

She takes your silence as a yes and walks to your kitchen to take out the bread and coffee she bought, then heads out to your terrace while you wash up in the bathroom. 

You sit in front of her and eat your breakfast quietly while she watches you take small bites of your cheese bread. You tell her everything that’s happened the past 24 hours — from Jimin’s call to Jungkook’s out-of-left-field outburst. 

“I think I led him on,” you say, head thrown back on the chair, eyes closed.

“Uh, you think?” Hyejin claims. 

“How come none of you ever said anything?” you ask, looking at her. Jungkook didn't say anything; your friends didn’t say anything… Were you that naïve? That selfish? That stupid? 

“Well, it’s not like you’d listen anyway,” she starts. “You always just do what you want. Like, sure constantly talk to the guy giving you heart eyes every time you look at him, go date the guy whose family is in Australia and would most likely go back and leave you, sure spend time and flirt with the insanely hot and kind and funny pop star… like there are no consequences to these things,” she unapologetically says.

“Is that so bad?” you ask. 

You don’t want to sound defensive. You don’t have the energy to really argue with anyone. 

“Come on, Y/N. Don’t tell me you didn't see this coming. With how you two were, one of you was bound to fall for the other.”

“We allowed ourselves to get that close, Hyejin, to be… this. Whatever this is. Or was. It’s not like we ever talked about it, though.” 

She raises an eyebrow at you.

“But I just figured we were both mature enough to handle the consequences. I just don't understand why it has to be this screwed up.”

She looks at you as if she’s looking right to your soul. “It’s like you ask someone to play fire with you, and you don't mind if you get burnt. You don't mind if they get burnt, too. That’s what it’s like.” 

“Getting burned is part of it. Getting hurt is part of it. I know that, and I always get over it,” you say. 

“Yeah, but the thing is, you expect the same thing from the other person, too.” 

You don’t like how right she is about all this.

“When you get hurt, you just walk away because you expect it and you accept it and then that’s it, goodbye to everything that was good. Move on to the next relationship that may or may not work out,” she continues.

You cover your face with your arms, as if somehow that’s going to be enough to make up for everything you’ve done.

“But that’s precisely why you always live in the moment, you know? To hell with being careful, or obsessing over whether or not doing something will hurt you. When you feel it that moment, you do it. And you’re okay if it hurts you, or if it leaves you with the shorter end of the stick. You get back on your feet right after anyway.”.

The day at the quad when Jinyoung broke up with you comes to mind. You didn’t even fight for it, you normally don’t; you’d rather spend that time getting over something  and moving on. 

“But Jungkook isn’t like that, Y/N,” she says, breaking you out of your thoughts. “Don't you get it? He won’t tell you he feels differently. He won’t tell you and right then and there, realizing you don't feel the same way, just accept it and get over it.”

You look back to that last morning you had together, the tangled limbs, the morning kiss, watching him get ready, the words “stay a little longer” almost slipping past your lips like always, but instead saying that it was nice and comfortable and fun. He smiled then. 

“Thanks for doing that for me; you really are a great friend,” is what you said before he left. So you weren’t dreaming the crestfallen look you saw on his face. With furrowed brows he took his phone, multiple messages probably telling him to go back to the dorm, and then he was gone. 

Your eyes widen at the memory. That’s what he was referring to. You’d been too frustrated at him ignoring you that you didn’t even bother to think of what might’ve triggered it. 

Hyejin seems to pick this up. “So are you now realizing you’re an idiot?” 

You smack her arm and she winces, deservedly so. 

“Okay, fine. I may have been one but to ignore me like that and then just leave? He waited last minute to tell me what he was feeling and then he fucking left, leaving me here confused and hurt and in agony. That’s way worse than my quick and easy,” you exclaim. 

“Sometimes people will cover up the pain rather than just say they’re hurt. Some hearts are wired that way, Y/N. Not everyone does quick and easy. Not everyone gets to accept their own feelings, and upon realizing they’re not reciprocated, moves on right away like you do.” 

You let everything sink in.

“It was my second time at that beach yesterday, you know?” You start after a long silence.

“The first time was after Jinyoung had come over to explain himself. I was already over the break up; I left to get over his reason for it. But yesterday when I was down there, all I could think about was how much I miss Jungkook. Like, it was the only thing going through my head the entire time I was there. He was always leaving but I always knew that when he got back, he’d be knocking at my door again…” you trail. You know it isn't going to be the same this time around. 

“People have their own reasons for leaving, you always say that. You can never fault them for why they choose to. You leave because you want to figure yourself out. He left because he probably didn't want to deal with what he’s feeling for you.”

Feelings. You always made sure to keep yours in check, but Hyejin was right; you also always expected the same from him.

You look out on the city and get lost in your thoughts. People always thought of you as someone who had things figured out - you know what you want from life and from those who are part of it. You’d walked away from people and let them walk away from you when you knew it had to happen. But this whole deal with Jungkook feels like unfamiliar territory. 

If it were someone else, you probably would’ve just let it go, but you keep thinking about Jungkook and the way his dimples still surprise you every time he smiles and how his laugh is so childlike and infectious it annoys you and warms your heart at the same time. 

You can't get off your head how it feels to hear him say ‘good morning’ when you wake up and find his arm gently resting on your waist, your fingers always tempted to trace the ink decorating his own. 

You warm at the thought of how he manages to make you feel better when you’re tired, how he never makes you feel hopeless when you’re being angry at all the unjust things in the world, how he reminds you of all the good there is during the times you forget. 

You think of how you don’t want to lose all that.

“Feelings…” you say. You couldn’t get used to the idea that he has them for you. 

“Do you have them too?” Hyejin finally asks. 

You were so hung up on how the past week has been, that he ignored you, that he left, that you didn't even stop to think of why, and more importantly, what you feel for him.

“I don’t know.”

“I’ve never seen you like this with anyone, though.”

“It’s because I’ve never been like this with anyone.”

“Like what?”

“Cautious?” 

“You mean, spending so much time together, constantly talking, kissing, is you being cautious?” She’s asks, incredulous.

You shrug. “It was never anything more.”

“Then why do you do them?” She snaps back.

“Because I want to? I’m always ready for him to turn me down.” It does surprise you every time he says yes to your requests, to your calls, your kisses. “But he never does.”

“But you don’t ask for anything more?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.” 

Hyejin groans. “You’re giving me a headache.” 

“What did I say?!” 

“How can you want all of that and none of it at the same time? Seriously, you guys are like, friends with benefits without the sex…”. 

You throw her a piece of bread, scandalized with what she just said. But you laugh at this. Your friends had joked about that before; even his band mates agreed. You were everything and nothing at the same time, stuck in the grey scale that neither of you were willing to admit. Or move away from. 

“I think you just wanted everything - you wanted company, you wanted him to stay the night, you wanted to kiss, you wanted him to hold you,  you wanted to talk… You wanted to be friends.” When Hyejin says it like that, you do seem like a fool.

“But you didn’t want what those actually implied or even required from you,” she continues. “Almost like there’s this line you’ve set for both of you that only you can see.”

You sigh in frustration. You know when you drew that line, when you’d warned yourself to never cross it, when you’d promised yourself to never want more.

“I guess I always knew what I really felt… I probably just denied it or didn't want it enough,” you think out loud.

“So what now?” She finally asks the painfully obvious question. “What will you do now?”

“Wallow in my self misery and remind myself everyday that I'm an idiot,” you answer back.

“Hmm. You’re too easy on yourself,” she says.

You smack her arm again, which earns you a laugh from her. “I’m kidding! But seriously, now that everything's a little clear, what are you going to do?”

“Make things even clearer?” You sigh. “I feel like such a mess, Hyej. And he’s the one who usually cheers me up when I feel like shit but I can’t ask that from him, now can I?” You say, your body now slumped in your chair, feeling like you’re back to square one.

“You can’t and you won’t.” She walks over to you to pull you up like a big baby. “You’ve got 2 months to figure your shit out before he comes back. Better start now,” she says, as she ushers you back inside.

#

There’s continuous knocking on the door, causing you to get up from your seat on your work desk and you readied yourself to fight whoever decided to disturb your busy Saturday morning. 

You open the door and are greeted with a loud bellow, your name being sung in opera-style by a certain doe-eyed boy. 

“Jeon Jungkook, what are you doing! You’re gonna wake the neighbors,” you shout, pulling him inside.

“Your closest neighbor is an old woman who’s hard of hearing. I think we’re good,” he smiles, eyes all innocent-looking.

“What are you doing here?” You ask. It’s one of those rare Saturday’s when the guys are afforded a full day off - no practice, no show, no filming. He always looked forward to days like this, which you expect he’d spend sleeping in or exercising or playing Overwatch. 

“Got a free day,” he gleams.

“I know but what are you doing here?” 

“You’ve been cranky and whiny this whole week. And you don’t respond to my memes,” he says, pouty lips making him look like a little kid that hasn’t been given much attention.

“I told you it’s work. I’m short on time to work on my reports since I got dragged to this week-long event. But I think my brain cells have dissipated; I can’t seem to construct simple sentences anymore,” you sigh, heading for your couch to sink into. “I’m sorry for not responding to your memes.”

“I’ll forgive you only if you come with me.” 

“To where?” Your brow quirks up, finally taking in his baggy pants and loose white polo and bucket hat. “And what look are you going for with this whole get up?” You question, not missing the mismatched pieces of clothing and shades perched on his hat. 

“Something unassuming. I asked Jin hyung for advice and raided Tae’s closet,” he shrugs. 

“So what do you say? Come with me. Take a break! You won’t get any more productive being cooped up in here. Plus, artists need to go out for inspiration and you don’t seem like you’re getting it here,” he says with a smug look. You smack his arm, knowing that last bit he only said to mock you.

But it’s the words you always say to him; now he’s just saying them right back to you. “I promise to buy you snacks,” he says, reaching out his hand to you and pushing you to your room to get dressed.

And that promise he keeps. He rented a simple car so his luxurious one wouldn’t catch attention. You take a drive out of the city, sing your lungs out in the car, and go store hopping. You find supermarkets and convenience stores and little shops to look for different kinds of snacks that you both try and make reviews of. Every pretty view you see has you stopping the car and admiring the scene. 

You inhale the fresh air, something you don’t get much in the city, and you appreciate this. You get back to your place, complain about your tummy aches, laugh until you fall asleep, tangled limbs and all, but not before telling him it was the most fun you’d had in a while and your brain feels rejuvenated enough to get the reports done in the next few days. 

He falls asleep with that smile, the proud one he’d have on when you show your appreciation for him. He does like getting praises, that much you know.

You wake up to his quiet snores, cheek squished on the pillow with a hand over your waist, like always. You know you have to wake him up soon, which you do with a soft kiss, like always too. You watch him smile into the kiss and return it, until he finally opens his eyes to look at you. 

“Get up, sleepyhead. They’ll be calling you over soon,” you say. 

You watch him ready himself from your bed, still drowning in that kiss with a lazy smile on your face. You want to tell him to stay a little longer, even if you’re the one pushing him to get ready. 

You always want to say that, whether it’s walking out the door at night or getting up from your bed in the morning. You always want to ask him to stay a little bit more but you never do, thankful for whatever time he could spare you, careful not to ask for more than what he could give.

Yesterday was good. You’d been drowning in work, and you’d blown off your friends this past week and you knew that Jungkook had a busy week as well. But yesterday felt nice. He’d given up his own free day to be with you and he willingly did so, knowing that you need it without you saying it out loud. 

You had fun during the drive, and even more so exploring the store aisles, figuring out which brand of shrimp cracker or chocolate milk to get, buying all of them anyway, and excitedly opening them, finishing it all up and proceeding to give your review like those YouTubers you both liked to watch. 

It always feels like this with him, but you had been so tired and drained that being with him yesterday just made you feel so happy. It showed with how you constantly leaned into him, how you rested your head on his shoulder as he was deciding on the size of banana milk he would buy, knowing he’d be resting his head on yours as a response. 

You were missing physical affection and he was always willing to give you that, and you liked that he never seemed to ask for more. You’d initiate and he’d return, you’d pull and he’d let you, no questions asked. It felt comfortable enough, you thought. You didn’t have to explain yourself or your actions. It just always seemed like a given. 

He’d said that he was dealing with a lot already as a pop star, that stuck with you and you knew from then on it was code for him not wanting to get into a relationship, and despite having being single for a little over a year already, you had too much going on in your life too that you didn’t really need any commitments at this point. You were on the same page, for sure.

It was nice and comfortable and fun, that’s what you tell him. You’re referring to the day you had, and what it’s like with him too, in general. You watch him pull his gray hoodie over his head. The black one, his favorite, you’d worn the night before, and you hug yourself to say you don’t want to return it yet. 

He chuckles, “Fine. I’ll get it back the next time I see you.” You like his scent, but you’d never say this to him too.

You stand up to head to the kitchen, feeling refreshed and ready to be productive for the rest of the week. You know it had so much to do with the previous day, as if the laughter and smiles you had made up for that entire week when you barely did either. You give him a quick hug. “Thanks for that, Jungkook. You really are  a great friend.”

His face falls a little bit, as he clutches onto his phone to check the multiple messages probably telling him to go back home. You don’t think much of it. When you turn back to him, he’s gone.

~

part 1 drabble <<>> part 2 drabble

series masterlist

[dizzydancingdreamer]

The Runaway Princess | One

Okay, okay, okay so I'm dropping this preview here because I have yet to decide if this is going to be a long fic or a chaptered fic but I have the first part down and I wanted to share it. It's a young Zemo x OC fic (lightly OC? His wife in the comics is named Heike and I took that name and ran with it so she's my own design but with a ripped off name LOL).

If I decide to post the rest on here it will be on my DIzzy After Dark page because I'm planning this to be an NSFW style fic (bc why the fuck not) but this opening bit is 110% friendly to all ages I just wanted to introduce Heike because I fucking love her.

This story goes with the Zemo moodboard I made months ago and finally just got around to polishing. Here is the like to that!

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Synopsis: Heike is a Ballerina and a Princess, but before that she is an object, one toyed with by her very mother. She is to be married to a man she's never met, whom she has yet to even see a picture of (though that's of her own design), and is on the verge of one of the biggest moments of her career: dancing on the Marinsky stage.

Pairing: Helmut Zemo x Heike Petrov (OC)

Warnings: Slight angst, eventual NSFW content that will be 18+ (not this part), fluff tho and lots of it, seriously this is all over the place

Word count: 2.2k

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The first drops of sunlight pour in through the arched windows, painting the glossy wooden floor in an array of sparkling pastels. They hit the paneled mirrors, bouncing off of the golden bar that runs the entire length of the studio, illuminating every surface in an ethereal glow. For just a moment— the tiniest fraction of time where there's no noise other than the slightest shuffle of silken slippers against mahogany and even, meticulous breaths— everything is perfect. Everything is calm.

Perhaps if Heike’s eyes were open she would admire the peace— the way her studio looks as though it’s been dipped in a bath of gold and oil paints. The way it’s just cool enough to keep the sheen of sweat from her limbs. The silence. Oh yes, she would certainly admire the silence. It’s all she’s ever longed for.

Her eyes are not open, though, and in her head her thoughts are excruciatingly loud— louder than they’ve been in ages. There’s no silence for her to admire behind the darkness of her eyelids. No gold, or oil, or peace. Nothing of the sort.

No, in her head she is on a stage. A loud, vast, practically thrumming stage.

Bozhe, pomogi yey.

That’s nothing new, though— that’s her life. Her life is on a stage and her life is a stage. She is always doing and someone— but more often someones— is— are— always watching. Being on the stage is not new.

What is new is the particular stage that she is on this morning. The Mariinsky Stage. The biggest grande allegro in all of Russia. It’s the stage she has been preparing to dance on for almost all of her life— for almost twenty-five excruciatingly long years. In just thirty-six hours she will be performing in front of the world’s most important people.

Kings and Queens.

Princes and Princesses.

Presidents and Prime Ministers and everyone in between who can afford a ticket.

So, her family— her entire family— somehow that’s worse than anyone else.

A soft voice cuts through her pondering but not quite through the dread.

“Mi’lady, it is seven.” Already? Heike could have sworn she just put her slippers on a few minutes ago. “I am afraid it is time we start dressing you. It’s a special day— the Queen has, erm, reminded me, shall we say, that you mustn’t be late to brunch this morning.”

The Princess sighs, the Mariinsky beginning to fade from behind her eyelids. Of course her mother’s been pestering her lady in waiting again. Would it truly be a normal day if she didn’t? It isn’t as if Katerina is the kindest, hardest working, most tolerant woman in the castle— no, that would be absurd. Surely if she was then her mother wouldn’t treat her with such scorn— as though she’s lower than the dirt the country stands on. Only a touch worse than she treats her own daughter.

Oh— wait.

Cracking an eye open, Heike drinks in the woman before her. Scarlet hair, pale skin, rosy cheeks, and a worn smile. Worn but there nonetheless. She opens the other eye, passing Katerina what she can only assume— nyet, hope— is the same. She has no idea how Katerina puts up with the Queen. She can barely do it and she’s the princess. Heike knows it’s for her, though, so she tries her best to be the opposite.

She lowers herself to the floor, stretching her hands out towards her toes. “Three hours to get ready? Surely that’s too much time to throw on a dress and some heels, Kat.”

Katerina rolls her eyes, tsking and shaking her head. “Shush miss— you know this morning is different.”

The princess giggles, tilting her head to the spot on the floor next to her. Katerina sighs but it is pointless— Heike is well accustomed to her pattern of feigning annoyance. When you’re around the same person day in and day out for nine years, you begin to pick up on their traits. Like how Kat rolls her eyes but the left side of her mouth still ticks up. It comes with the territory— it comes with being best friends.

That’s what they are, really. Best friends. Heike’s only friend, truly. She knows it’s odd to become friends with your lady in waiting— it’s not lost on her the implications of such a relationship and of her status— but Katerina has never felt like her servant. The idea of even having a servant has always felt terribly outdated, at least to her. Kat is her friend— her sister. Well, if sisters were paid to be your sister. She would like to believe that the reason Kat sticks around, though, is because she feels the same way.

Bozhe, pomogi yey.

Katerina slumps onto the floor next to her, rolling onto her back, her blue gown pooling in a graceful circle around her. Heike meets her eyes with another smile— this one much less coy. There is only so much that can keep the nerves at bay. Practicing her ballet was helping— a lot, actually— but now that she’s not moving— now that the dawn has broken into a more sinister form of daylight— all the raging thoughts have begun to simmer again. Now, it seems, they are boiling over.

“What do you think it’ll be like?” Her voice is quiet, just barely breaching a whisper, but in their little bubble of mahogany and glass it is louder than ever.

Katerina pushes herself up onto her elbow, her brows creasing together. They have been having the same conversation for weeks, ever since her mother told her the news. Heike can practically hear what she’s going to say before it’s out of her mouth.

“It or him?” Heike winces at Kat’s bluntness regardless— usually they skirt around the real topic for a few minutes, warming up to it.

She supposes they don’t have time for that today though. Not when he will be sitting in their conservatory in three hours. Maybe even less. Maybe he is even here now, waiting, speaking to her parents and bartering a deal for her hand— no. She takes a deep breath, beginning to untie her slippers if only to keep her shaking fingers occupied.

“Baron Helmut Zemo—” Heike tests his name on her tongue. It tastes familiar— that is probably because she has been repeating it for weeks now, though— “he sounds regal.”

“He is royalty,” Katerina reminds, the left side of her mouth quirking up. “Just the same as you, Mi’lady.”

Heike sighs. “Katerina, please— I’m a dancer. A ballerina. None of the formalities— they make me feel… strange.”

Being a princess would mean that she is the daughter of a king and a queen— it would mean she actually got recognized as anything more than a pair of pointe shoes.

She doesn’t add that, of course, only pulls said pointe shoes from her feet, letting her toes stretch and curl in the cool air of her studio. Not for long— only until her fingers begin trembling again and then she is starting on the sides of her leotard, pulling at the little silk ribbons. Soon, though, even that is interrupted, a pair of warm hands wrapping around hers and halting her attempts to hide her fidgeting.

“You’re stalling is what you are. Just as you have been all week. It isn’t healthy, Hei. Talk to me— you always talk to me.”

Heike lifts her eyes back to her friend, meeting her worried blue eyes and feeling her shoulders drop. “I’m sorry, I know. It’s just— I—” She doesn’t know what to say— part of the reason she hasn’t talked about it is because she’s at a complete and utter loss. “I am tired. I think. But so are you— more so than I. So I shouldn’t complain.”

Katerina rolls her eyes again, squeezing her hands. “Mi’lady I am exhausted. Truly I am. But at the end of the day I get to go to my bed and I get to sleep. Just like you do. We both sleep, yes?”

“Yes, but what—”

“It means we are the same— which means don’t say that. We are friends. You are tired. I am tired. I can be tired and listen at the same time, believe it or not.” Kat shakes her hands, bringing them up to her chest with Heike’s fingers still wrapped in her own. “I know it’s hard but we must talk about this. No excuses.”

Heike tries for another smile but it feels more like a grimace— like all the muscles in her face are rebelling. “How are you so kind to me?”

Katerina narrows her blue eyes until all Heike can see is black. “No excuses, Mi’lady.” She scrunches her nose, her face softening from it’s accusatory glare. “But— on that note— you’re much more lovely than you give yourself credit for, Hei. You’re easy to be kind to. So, again, stop making excuses because if you don’t then you will be unlovable. I will stop loving you.”

Heike laughs for a quick moment and then straightens— Kat is right. Kat is always right.

“I’m nervous,” Heike admits.

It’s harder to push the words out than she thought it would be. It’s like her throat squeezes extra hard when she says it, her teeth and tongue acting a barricade to the truth. The words do manage to shimmy through but they take all the energy she has with them and she sags. Her whole body rebels against the notion that she’s worried. Princesses aren’t supposed to worry.

“I don’t even know what this man looks like.” Heike continues, gently pulling her fingers from Katerina’s grasp, curling them around her bare arms and closing her eyes— It’s easier to think in the darkness. “I suppose I could look but there is no point, I’ve made it this far without. No matter what I do he will still be here soon. His appearance isn’t really the point anyway. That’s what I keep telling myself at least.”

Heike mutters the last part but she’s sure she hears it.

Only a few measly seconds pass before Kat’s voice cuts through the darkness, as patient yet as pressing as ever. “What is the point then, Hei?”

Her. The point is her. It is not about whether Heike likes him— it doesn’t matter if she does, her mother has her ways of getting what she wants. The Queen— her holder. Gods, this man could hate Heike— take one look at her and despise everything he sees— and her mother would still, somehow, find a way to have them married.

Heike snaps her eyes open— she draws the line at having to think about a wedding. Her wedding. To a man who will probably hate her. That’s the point— marriage. Status. Everlasting, lukewarm relationships for the sake of kingdoms that are more an idea than anything else.

Again, Heike doesn’t say that, at least not all of it.

“What if he does not like me?” She can’t force her voice past a dull whisper, her hands— now that they aren’t being held steady— once again trembling.

Katerina’s face softens immediately, her eyes losing the glimmer of humor she had somehow been maintaining. It was probably for Heike’s benefit. People are always trying to keep her happy, like it’s some sort of crucial task. Keep Heike happy or it’s off with your head. Her— the princess— the burden. She doesn’t want any heads, she can barely keep track of her own at any given moment.

Case in point.

Katerina holds her arms open wide and raises a scarlet brow. Heike doesn’t waste any time in rushing forward and piling her body into Kat’s. Burden or not, there’s no way she’s about to refuse the best hugger in the castle.

The lady in waiting squeezes her arms around the princess, her words soft against her temple. “That is impossible. Impossible. You worry much too much— you always have. He will love you, Heike. I know he will. It’s impossible not to love you, trust me I would know.”

Heike snuggles deeper into her friend’s arms, soaking in as much of her lemon and vanilla perfume as possible. It’s the only thing that’s ever screamed home to her. She has been many places— danced on many stages— but coming home never meant the castle walls. It never meant anything because Katerina was always right there next to her, holding her hand or flicking her ear or snoring until the very last minute when they are being rushed off the plane and Heike is doing more of the waiting than anyone. She has always had the privilege of bringing her home with her— her citrusy, red haired home.

But for how long will that be possible?

She doesn’t ask— It is for her and her only to bear. “But what if he doesn’t?”

Katerina pulls back, much to Heike’s dismay, her hand slipping under her chin and squeezing gently. “The we run, Mi’lady.”

Heike’s heart softens. “We?”

Kat rolls her eyes, the left side of her mouth halfway to her ear— Heike supposes she should have seen that coming. “You are not leaving me here alone, miss.”

Bozhe, pomogi yey.

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Translations:

Bozhe, pomogi yey — God help her

[babineni]

Okay so literal months ago I wrote some Aloth x Watcher first steamy night together stuff, then I completely forgot about it, then I came across it a few days ago so I guess y’all can look at it, if you want.

Happy Valentine’s Day, I guess

Below the cut, bc a) explicit content b) almost 3k words, sooo yeah

Gaura woke up to the bed shifting slightly under her. She glimpsed movement as she rubbed her eyes and once she made out the silhouette of the man leaving her side, her drowsiness dissipated in an instant.

'Where are you going?' The Watcher asked as she sat up.

Aloth turned around to her voice, and a faint, adoring smile appeared on his face. He loosely held on to a worn book. The last thing Gaura remembered before falling asleep was the wizard reading aloud from that book at her request. It was... about corrosives... she thought. It didn't take her long to drift off.

'You fell asleep,' Aloth said. 'I thought that was my cue to leave.'

'It's not. Unless you want it to be,' Gaura moved to the edge of the bed and reached for the wizard's free hand.

It has only been a few days since she gave him the kiss that changed their friendship into the bond they shared at that moment. The Watcher didn't have much in mind when she kissed Aloth that day, she merely wanted to show him how she felt and asked for the chance to show it again and again and again. But she had a lot of feelings for the wizard and she felt them strongly and deeply, and in the few days of their courtship, Gaura often found herself wondering if she felt too much, too deeply, too strongly for Aloth to feel comfortable around her. So she let him set the pace of their relationship, even if she was fully aware of his occasionally excessive caution and his indecisiveness.

Aloth sat down beside Gaura. He put his book aside so he could hold her hand with both hands.

'I would like to stay, it's true, but...'

'Then stay.'

The wizard hesitated for a moment, then let out a shaky laugh.

'I got the impression you needed rest.'

The Watcher moved closer to him and placed her chin on his shoulder. She let her eyes close as she enjoyed the smell of the ocean breeze clinging onto Aloth's hair. 'I was soothed, not tired,' she said. 'And I definitely wasn't bored.'

'I did not think you were.'

'Just making sure, you don't get the wrong idea,' Gaura pulled away and left a peck on Aloth's cheek. She then placed the book by the window beside the bed, laid back on her place and patted the space next to her.

The wizard was just about to take her offer when he looked down at himself and noted his armor. Then he looked at the Watcher and noted her loosely fitting nightgown.

'I'll be ready in a minute,' he said and started to undo the buckles on his leather suit.

Gaura knelt on the edge of the bed once more. 'Let me help,' she offered as she reached for the laces on his chest. Aloth gave her a nod, but otherwise he said nothing. But the Watcher could still see him biting his lip and his cheeks turning red from the corner of her eyes. After a few moments, all that was left to do was merely pushing the armor off the elf. Gaura slid her hands under the garment, prompting Aloth to let his arms hang by his sides. It seemed like a relaxed gesture but to her it felt anything but that. For a moment she felt his heart pounding in his chest, its speedy rhythm enticing her.

'Gaura?' The wizard's voice was breathy as he leaned closer to her. Close enough for his breath to mingle with hers. 'Was this your intention all along?' He asked as a faint, slightly sly smile formed on his lips which disappeared in a fraction of a moment.

'No,' she replied while she reached for his undershirt and fiddled with it, ready to pull it off him as soon as he asked, as soon as he showed any sign that he wanted her the same way she wanted him. 'But I'm open to it. I'm... more than open to it.'

'You... you don't think this is too soon?' Aloth's question sounded almost like a plea.

'No. And even if it was... I find it really hard to care about timing right now,' Gaura laughed and it proved to be contagious. She pressed her lips against the wizard's, and pulled his shirt upwards. Aloth helped her take it off him, quickly uttering protective spells before he reached for the back of the Watcher's head and closed the gap between them again. His touch was gentle, feather-light, but his kiss hinted at impatience and a desire that could have been just as scorching as the fire in Gaura's soul if he allowed himself to truly feel it.

The Watcher pulled away. 'My turn,' she said, as she reached for the straps of her gown. She untied them with a few simple tugs and let the gown fall on its own to her knees. Aloth's tender gaze wandered along her body, tracing the cracks on her skin. But eventually, it returned to the glowing center of her chest. There was something in his eyes that Gaura couldn't quite place, not even as the wizard turned his attention back to her face and looked straight into her eyes.

'May I?' He asked, his hand hovering right above the bright mark.

Gaura replied with a somewhat impatient nod. Aloth pressed his palm against her chest upon her permission. He seemed almost mesmerized by the combined sensation of her strong heartbeat and her flames gently licking his skin.

'You act as if you couldn't just conjure flames at will,' the Watcher teased as she leaned in to leave a sloppy kiss below Aloth's jaw. She made her way down on the side of his throat while she reached for his trousers. She quickly undid it and slid her hand under it. She kept her mouth pressed to the curve of the wizard's neck as she caressed his already half-hardened bulge.

'No magical fire feels like you,' Aloth answered, his voice ringing with admiration.

Gaura pulled away hesitantly and surprised. She stared at the wizard as he averted his gaze shyly, his already flushed face taking a deeper shade of red.

'Turn around,' she said breathlessly, with the corner of her lips perking up. 'Take off the rest of your clothes.'

Aloth swallowed hard. 'What's on your mind, if I may ask?' He spoke cautiously. However his movements did not reflect what his voice did. He turned around as Gaura asked, and as he dragged his pants down, he almost seemed eager for an answer. An answer that was not meant to be expressed in words.

The Watcher chuckled softly as she shuffled out of her nightgown and moved closer to the wizard, as close as she possibly could without falling off her bed. She wrapped her arms around him from behind. She pressed her chest against his back tight and she rested her chin on his shoulder, right by his ear. Aloth let out a short, quiet gasp at the contact. His body stiffened slightly, prompting Gaura to leave a gentle kiss on the curve of his neck, then another one on his earlobe.

'I just want you to relax,' she said while she inhaled the scent of his hair and she allowed her hands to explore his chest, enjoying the feeling of goosebumps forming under her touch. 'I want to soothe you the way you have soothed me just now.'

'I hope you don't take it as an offense, but-' the wizard's words turned into a shaky sigh as the Watcher's fingers reached one of his nipples and drew circular patterns around it slowly and gently. 'Soothed is... truly, the last word I'd use to describe how I feel right now.'

'Do you want me to stop then?' Gaura asked, her lips brushing against Aloth's ear.

'No!' He replied without hesitation. The Watcher couldn't help but chuckle at his haste, which prompted him to clear his throat, and make a poor attempt at regaining his composure. 'No, I...'

His trail of thought was diverted by one of Gaura's hands sliding downwards. However just before she would've reached his loins, she pulled her hand back. Aloth held his breath while she wet her palm, then a moment passed, and another, and the Watcher merely stood motionless behind him, with only her flames caressing and enveloping him with all the tenderness of her soul.

'Please, continue.'

Gaura hummed approvingly as she pressed her lips against Aloth's neck. She reached forward again, gently caressing the wizard's thigh as she did so. She wrapped one hand around his cock and began stroking it at the same pace as her mouth moved against the side of his throat, while the other kept massaging his chest, with her thumb occasionally brushing against his nipple. A few moments later she felt his touch on the back of her head, his slender fingers brushed against her scalp gingerly, prompting the Watcher to look up at him. Aloth turned his head slightly towards her but he couldn't tear his gaze from her hand pumping his shaft slowly and steadily.

'Is this tempo alright?' Gaura asked. 'I want everything to happen to your liking. We'll take it as slow or as fast as you want.' She leaned in, and left a small kiss on Aloth's parted lips, drawing a staggered sigh out of him.

'I... I wouldn't mind if you were a... a little fas-... Oh,' Aloth's request turned into a short, surprised, quiet moan as the Watcher obliged him before he got to finish the sentence.

The wizard's breath quickened as well, and Gaura could almost hear a few notes of his pleasure mingling faintly with the air he exhaled. Aloth pressed his lips against hers as tightly as he could at their angle, trying to muffle the sounds escaping him, which enticed the Watcher all the more. She had to restrain herself from rubbing him even faster, the same way Aloth had to force himself to keep kissing her. Gaura couldn't tell how long they went on until he broke the kiss and covered his mouth with his free hand instead. The wizard rested his forehead against the Watcher's as he moaned into his palm. She could've sworn she felt his eyelashes flutter against her skin, drawing a soft chuckle out of her.

'You are so lovely,' she spoke softly. 'You want us both to keep quiet?'

Aloth gave her a few somewhat staggered nods.

'Alright, Aloth,' Gaura replied. 'Lean back against me.'

The wizard hesitated for a moment, then he cautiously lifted his head and looked at Gaura. She made her best attempt at giving him a reassuring nod, but she couldn't help but bite her lip when she looked into his eyes full of adoration for her, twinkling with a hunger for release. He then let his eyes close and threw his head back against her shoulder. His neck formed a curve that the Watcher couldn't resist. She trailed it with her tongue, prompting the wizard the press down on her scalp slightly, wordlessly asking her to kiss him harder. Gaura picked up the pace of her strokes, making Aloth squirm under her touch, making him fill her ear with more and more of his muffled moans. The Watcher closed her eyes, and allowed herself to be lost in the anticipation for Aloth coming undone at her hand.

'Gaura?' She heard her name. 'Wait... wait. Stop!' The wizard grabbed her wrist and straightened up. He gently peeled her hands off him and stepped away with an apologetic expression on his face.

'Is something wrong?' The Watcher asked. 'Did I...?' A small kernel of anxiety formed in her: she wondered if she ended up crossing an unknown line. If she did indeed felt too much, too strongly and too deeply.

Aloth raised his hands as he sat down beside her. 'No, you did nothing wrong,' he hastily said. 'And by that I mean... that felt truly incredible,' he took her hands in his with a smile. 'It's just... the magic that protected me from your hair was wearing off.' The wizard let out a frustrated sigh.

It took Gaura a moment to process his words. 'Oh.'

'Forgive me, I'll just need a moment...'

'No, no, don't apologize,' she lifted his hands to her lips. 'I can spare a few moments in exchange for more fun afterwards.'

Aloth let out a relieved chuckle as a response. 'Thank you,' he cast his spell, then he let go of her hands and cupped the Watcher's face instead. 'I... I liked the way you held me,' he left a soft kiss on her lips. Then another. And another, as he laid down and pulled Gaura with him. 'You said you wanted everything to happen the way I liked.'

'I meant that,' the Watcher said as she moved to straddle the wizard.

A moment was spent in silence. Aloth watched Gaura intently as one of hands moved slowly to the back of her head and allowed her flames to dance along his fingers.

'Just now, it felt like... like you were touching me everywhere.' The wizard said eventually. 'I'd like you to stay close. Please.'

Gaura smiled as a response and tightened the grip of her thighs around him. She slowly rolled her hips against him, letting her slick folds coat Aloth's cock with her arousal. He stifled a groan and moved his hands to the Watcher's waist.

'You're so sweet,' she chuckled as reached back and guided the wizard's hands to cup her ass instead. She locked lips with him as she continued grinding against him. Then after a few moments, she pulled away. 'Give me one moment,' she said as reached for his cock and guided it to her heat.

The Watcher descended upon him slowly, surprised at how intensely she felt Aloth entering her. All that time she spent pleasing him turned her more sensitive than she realized. She bit her lip as she began rolling her hips again, slowly, getting used to the feeling of him inside her. Gaura set a steady, relaxed rhythm for them, one that Aloth quickly picked up on. His thrusts were light, but deep, each of them sent sparks of pleasure along the Watcher's nerves. She quickened her pace slightly, indulging her impatience for him, but she couldn't bring herself to lean back to Aloth just yet. She reached for one of his hands, and guided it to her lips. She took his thumb in her mouth and suckled on it, allowing a few of her moans to escape her throat but be trapped by his finger. She kept her gaze locked with Aloth's as she guided his hand back down, this time to the nub between her thighs. She didn't need to say anything. Aloth rubbed her clit at an erratic rhythm, and the sweet dissonance of sensations nearly overwhelmed the Watcher right then and there.

'Gaura,' Aloth whispered her name invitingly and she responded by learning back down over him and pressed her lips tightly to his.

Their muffled sounds mingled as they hastened their movements. Soon, Gaura lost all sense of her surroundings. She only felt Aloth getting lost in her, the same way she forgot about everything but him. There was no such thing as too much, or too strong, or too deep. There were only her nerves set ablaze by the wizard's touch, consuming her senses and reason. And there was only Aloth, embraced by the flames of her soul. Soon, there wasn't even that, only a feeling of overwhelming ecstasy. The Watcher couldn't help but break their kiss as one last cry of pleasure burst out of her. Aloth continued moving under her, keeping her mind in a sweet, precious haze, but even then she felt him finding a release in her as well. He wrapped his arms around Gaura in a tight embrace, and buried his face in the curve of her neck, in attempt to use her as an anchor to the reality around them. Neither of them knew how much time they spent motionlessly entangled. Soon, their awareness returned to them, and Gaura rolled off her lover.

'Don't take this the wrong way...' Gaura said panting, once she felt she was able to speak again, 'but this... this was more fun than that book about corrosives.'

Aloth let out an exhausted laugh. 'I'm... I'm inclined to feel the same,' he said as he turned to the Watcher on his side. She left a peck on his cheek, then another on his lips. 'I assume,' Aloth continued, 'you don't think this was too soon, then.'

'Not at all. Do you?'

'No,' a relieved smile appeared on the wizard's face, as if his answer reassured him just as much, if not more, as it did the Watcher. 'I am glad you asked me to stay. And... I am truly happy you kissed me the other day.'

Gaura reached for Aloth's face and ran her thumb along his soft, adoring, if tired smile. She spent a moment admiring the beauty of that smile before she spoke again. 'I am happy you let me make you happy,' she chuckled. 'There is so much in my heart for you. I might just need all the time in the world to show it all.'

'At the current pace, you mean, or...?' Aloth's furrowed his eyebrows.

'At the pace you set for us.'

The wizard's expression softened. He let out a sigh as he relaxed. 'I would like that a lot,' he shyly moved closer to Gaura. They spent a few moments while Aloth settled between the Watcher's legs and rested his head on her chest. They fell asleep shortly after, locked in a comfortable embrace, with a hint of a smile lightly pulling at their lips.

[yelenasdog]

bonnie and clyde (billy/4 x fem reader)

genre: angst

summary: there were five people at the funeral of billy jones. why did two, more specifically one, of them leave?

words: 1.3k

warnings: just vv sad my guy. literally no fluff i hate it here </3 mentions of death, billy’s funeral, and crying.

a/n: yo so idk if billy’s last name is jones but i saw someone on here refer to him as billy jones and i think it’s just bc of ben’s last name but anyway LMFAO. i for some reason couldn’t stop thinking abt this and so i wrote it (as one does fkefnkerjn). also y/n was not used so if u wanted to read this as an x another character or x an oc it would work as well. enjoy :)

🌃🌃🌃

There were five people at the funeral of Billy Jones.

This was common knowledge who would listen long enough to hear the vigilante talk about the experience he had only seen from afar, his own heart growing tender during, or at any mention of, the moment.

But Billy always failed to explain the situation with a full grip, to its entire truth. As to why, most anyone could figure out.

He was afraid.

Afraid of getting her hurt, afraid of thinking of her for just a moment too long, afraid of his impulse driving him to get his ass right back up and go say he still loved her.

Four was afraid of a plethora of horrible scenarios that could occur if he let the truth about his funeral slide to anyone except One (which was bad enough that he had to know by default as it was).

And the irony of it all, was how miniscule and ineffective something like who had left his funeral early and as to why, would be to anyone else on the team.

Sure they all had their secrets that would seep into the pool that was their little family, Three’s mother, One’s lover, Two and Three’s infatuation with each other (though, that one wasn’t really a secret).

Not to mention, Four despised painting her in a bad light, allowing others to think for a fraction of a second that she didn’t leave because her already frail heart couldn’t handle to see her beloved’s name etched onto a gray stone in a patchy field of a horrible green, couldn’t handle the idea that their Bonnie and Clyde reminiscent days (minus the killing of 13 people, that is) had come to an end.

There were two people at the funeral of Billy Jones who left early.

The first? An old friend from his hometown.

He was a wealthy businessman now, having abandoned the life of pretty crime and rush of his youth. He showed up to Four’s not-so-celebration of life in an ashen tux with an obsidian tie and shiny oxfords, and barely a minute into the service he had begun checking his shiny Rolex, probably counting down the seconds until he would be considered late to some important meeting for whatever corporate hoax he was a part of to be able to stay afloat. How ironic.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

The sound was like nails on a chalkboard to her, while the action itself felt like somewhat of a betrayal, even though Billy and the businessman hadn’t talked in years. It was a kind enough gesture that he had even come to begin with.

But she didn’t care.

Because before the service had even started, salty droplets were rolling down her reddened cheeks, dampening her hoodie, his hoodie, that she had coiled so tightly around herself and her limbs, almost like a corset.

So when the businessman turned to go after what could maybe have been a measly few minutes, she could barely control her anger.

But she did, for Billy. She sucked it up and stayed put, keeping her eyes trained to his mother who was now speaking, her striking emerald eyes also obviously wet. But in reality, Billy had wanted his former lover to turn around and smack that prick square in the face.

But then 4 took some time and realized that if it were the other way around and she had been dead, he could conjure in his mind how distressed he would be to where he would prefer to focus on wallowing in his sadness for her and her only, not be consumed by anger for some random fellow.

Billy truly wanted to leave One where he stood, wanted to run to where her shaking was escalating from ever so slightly to violently as could be, wrapping her in his strong arms she already missed. The strong arms that she believed should have kept him safe when he was dangling from that damned building with that damned necklace in his mouth.

The image could have been some renaissance painting with how beautiful he looked, even then, on the brink of what the world would know as the death of Billy Jones.

In fact, most of Billy’s and the girl’s adventures could be different renaissance paintings. Alive and free, bursting with vibrant colors and emotions that weren’t able to be captured with words, so rather, they were thrown on a canvas in what was somehow a meticulously put together flurry.

On that rainy day, the weather so fitting to what she had been feeling, she wished for nothing more than to somehow place herself back into those non-existent paintings, to even for a fraction of a second bask in his never ending love like some sort of oasis.

She wanted to run her fingers through his golden curls one last time, kiss his forehead goodnight one last time, to tell him she loved him more than anything in this universe, one last time.

But she didn’t, and she wouldn’t ever get to.

And her one final chance to say what she wanted him to hear, she had missed out on, as that’s when she had left.

It was long after the uptight man in the fitted suit, long after his crying mother had gone from where she was speaking up front, back to the shadows of her baby’s grim event that she should never have had been alive to see.

She had managed to drag herself halfway up to where his casket was sitting just above the ground, trying to not look at the box a second too long.

Rather, she pretended there was a pair of rose colored glasses sitting on the bridge of her nose, helping her pretend that this was all some big misunderstanding, that Billy was just pulling one of his infamous pranks.

He would pop out from behind the tent covering the few who stood with their feet shifting on the damp soil, or perhaps from the headstone of his very own grave. She would gasp or shriek and then smack his arm, lecturing him as he grabbed his chest, doubling over in laughter, the sound like music to her ears.

God, what she would do to hear that sound one more time.

Nevertheless, in the end he would stand up, and wipe her tears from her sweet face, pressing gentle kisses on either of her cheeks to rid her of that pout he hated to admit he loved. She would crack a small smile and he would punch a celebratory fist in the air at the gesture, leaving her to only shake her head at his antics. He would sling an arm around her shoulders, nustling close to her as they would exit the graveyard, never coming back until the inevitable day they both had lived their happiest and fullest lives together.

He would say “You know you love me.” And without a doubt, every time, she would say “Yeah, I do.”

But not this time.

This time, she would let her eyes wander to a tall tree just over the hill, slimming her puffy eyes. She rubbed them and did a double take, and swore that for a moment she had seen what looked like his figure next to one of someone she had never seen before.

And that’s when she left.

She let out an ugly sob, running as fast as her feet could take her to wherever that wasn’t there, the sound of her shoes against the cold ground muted, but the sound of her uneven breathing was anything but.

As for all she knew, it was her mind playing a cruel, cruel, trick on her. Or even her mind trying to give her some sort of closure to move on.

Whatever it was, though, was simply too much for her to process, too much to handle. So she had left, given up on what she didn’t know was her only chance to give a proper goodbye.

“You think she saw you?”

“I hope so.”

🌃🌃🌃

we vibing w this?? i hope so hehe. WAIT PUN NOT INTENDED LMFAO I DID THAT PERIODT! anyway, have a wonderful day/night, and go drink water and eat protein, it’s all abt intention!! i love u! also if u have any questions abt this fic pls do lmk bc ik some of it was kinda weird! 

p.s., pls pls pls reblog this! this is my first ben related fic and ik when it’s ur first fic for a fandom they can flop so it would be very cool if y’all could help me out a lil bit :) either way ily, thank u! kk bye

xx hj

[firelord-frowny]

i’m binge watching dr phil (bc i ran out of Lynn Toler’s divorce court 😭) while i knit, and just 

i’m on this episode with a girl and a guy in their early 20s who had a baby AFTER they broke up, and everybody involved is being extra immature and stupid and annoying, and she’s mad that he’s dating somebody else even though she broke up with him??? complaining that ~he shouldn’t be focused on another woman, i’m not focused on another man~ and it’s like GIRL YOU AREN’T EVEN TOGETHERRRRRRR!!!!! and the dude is being dumb and not wanting to go out of his way to be in the child’s life, and they’re both hella stupid, and the guy’s new girlfriend honestly seems way too mature to be dealing with that shit, but i guess she isn’t, otherwise she wouldn’t still beeeeeee in a relationship with a guy who’s behaving dumbly in a dumb situation, but i digress...

LMAO I COULD NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR! oh my god i could LITERALLY NEVER have a child with someone i wasn’t already certain i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, LET ALONE someone i had ALREADY DUMPED oh my god!!!! which, i mean, i don’t want kids ANYWAY, but i for DAMN sure would have to be very happily and very comfortably married to a dude for a WHILE before there would even be a fraction of a chance that i’d change my mind. 

i truly do not understaaaaaaaaaaand how anyone could be so casual about having a whole child with somebody they already decided they didn’t like and subsequently broke up with. Assuming you plan to raise the child, and assuming the other parent plans to participate in that as well, you’re LITERALLY agreeing to have a permanent and profound connection with someone you don’t like FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!! 

for at least the next 18 years, you’re going to get into stupid arguments about How To Discipline Your Child. for the rest of your life, you’re going to have to engage with this person at your kid’s recitals/performances/sports games/honor roll assemblies/graduations/etc. your kid is gonna prefer one of your homes over the other and they’re gonna throw a fit when it’s time to go spend the weekend at mommy’s. 

i mean, i KNOOOOOOOOOOOOW that there are plenty of parents who are able to be fantastic coparents with each other, and they remain good friends, and they’re supportive of each other’s relationship with the kid, and they make decisions together, and they both take responsibility for the child’s emotional, financial, and physical needs, and when/if they ever pursue new relationships with other people, it doesn’t cause any issues because all the adults involved are mature and responsible and care deeply about the wellbeing of the child. I know there are situations like that. I know not every set of single coparents have an awful experience. 

BUT YOU CAN’T COUNT ON THAT OMGGGG!!!!! 

you could date a dude for a month, think he’s the most responsible, respectful, gentlemanly gentleman who ever gentleman’d on earth. you discover on the 32nd day of dating him that he’s an insecure, passive-aggressive, untrustworthy mooch who becomes a complete asshole when you disagree about the smallest things. 

you could date a lady for a month and think she’s compassionate and understanding and supportive, and on day 32 you discover she has no respect for boundaries, she thinks it’s okay to hit you when she’s mad on account of She’s Just A Weak Little Woman So It’s Impossible For Her To REALLY Hurt You. 

You don’t knoooooooooooooooowwwwww people well enough after just a few months of dating them to decide that you should have them in your life forever! shit, i honestly don’t even think a few YEARS is enough time to make a choice like that. You need to know how somebody behaves in adversity. You need to know if they’re financially responsible. You need to know if their long-term goals are compatible with your own. You need to know how they respond to YOU when YOU are experiencing adversity. How do they interact with you when you’re depressed? Afraid? Overwhelmed? You need to at least have an IDEA of how they grieve when they lose a loved one. You need to know how they cope with sudden and drastic changes. You need to observe them long enough to learn their habits and behavior patterns. You need to be able to reliably predict the kinds of choices they’ll make. 

So like, it can take YEARS to finally gather enough data about a person to predict what a lifelong relationship with them might be like. You can date someone for 2 years and everything is fantastic, but then you get to the 3rd year and they lose their job and they respond to the stress by becoming abusive. You can date someone for 3 years and discover in the 4th year that they begrudge your success and try to take you down a peg every time you achieve something that you’re proud of. 

If I got knocked up by some dude I haven’t known and trusted and loved for a few years already, there is no. fucking. way. that i would have that baby. there is no way i would even get up to any hanky panky with them without being on birth control and using condoms in the FIRST place, so the odds that I would get knocked up by anyone are super slim, but if I got knocked up anyway, i would fuckin teleport to a clinic right fuckin quick and have that motherfucker yoinked out of my uterus SO fast! *aretha franklin voice* ain’t no way.

i caaaaan’t. i CAN’T! IMAGINE!!!

and i am SURE this is a biased assumption due to the fact that I mostly hear about these kinds of parents on court tv or talk shows or whatever, but it seeeeems almost like a rule of thumb that people who have a baby very shortly after meeting each other tend to be stupid and irresponsible as FUCK. And that makes sense to me bc like... only an irresponsible person would make the long series of unwise choices that would lead to them having a baby at a young age with someone they don’t know they can trust. I feel like responsible people tend not to let that happen! 

and PLEASE don’t get me wrong - i don’t think people who get into situations like that are Bad People. like, you can be irresponsible and immature and make shitty choices and still be a good person who’s kind and whose heart is always in the right place and who always tries to do the right thing, even if they’re not very good at figuring out what the right thing even is. 

i only mean to express how dumbstruck i am by the very CONCEPT of On Purposely linking yourself permanently with somebody you already know you don’t like, or who you may DISCOVER you don’t like in the near future. even just the THOUGHT of it mkaes me anxious. 

like omfg if i got knocked up and raised the child of that one ain’t shit motherfucker i had a Thing with in college?????? disaster. a lifetime of fuckboy shenanigans. a lifetime of missed appointments and broken promises and probably also a lifetime of being under the constant threat of a fuckin police raid lmfaoooo dude was LITERALLY a drug dealer. no way. no way. AIN’T NO WAY!!! 

ohmy goddddddd. young adults (and even Adulty Adults, tbh), PLEEEEAAAAAASSSEEEE value yourself enough that getting on a ride without knowing where it’s headed is WHOLLY out of the question for you. Permanently attaching yourself to a near stranger should not be viable option. ESPECIALLY if you still haven’t built a stable, self-sufficient life for yourself. like, if you DO wind up having a child with a near stranger, you should at LEAST have steady, good-paying employment, and safe and comfortable housing. I mean, those are things that you should try to have before you have a baby REGARDLESS of who you have it with, but if you DO have a baby with a near stranger/someone you don’t like, it’s ESPECIALLY important that you’re able to support yourself so you’ll always be okay in spite of any potential fuckery, tom foolery, or shenanigans from the other parent. you’re not up a creek if they won’t pay child support. you can afford daycare if the other parent is unwilling to take care of your child when you’re not at home. 

i caaaaAAAAAN’T!!!! 

[sulkybbarnes]

Ronan putting a kiss on Adam’s hip 😭💕

This truly gets me bc it’s just so tender and intimate. And it’s something that happens casually sometimes, not just when they’re in bed together, but at casual and playful moments too. (Shout out to @bleachersmp3 for putting up with me while I wrote this 💕)

They’re at the barns and Adam is doing some reading in advance for class, except it’s not homework or anything required so he’s more relaxed than usual and reading while lying down on the couch. Ronan comes in from outside, takes one long look at Adam with his book and starts grinning. Adam is wearing Ronan’s clothes. He’s in Ronan’s black sweatpants, which pool around his feet and are a bit loose around the waist, and Ronan’s soft grey hoodie that Adam loves wearing but won’t admit to it. Ronan’s smile turns soft just looking at the drawstrings of the sweatpants pulled tight around Adam’s hips, and if that isn’t a sign of just how far gone he is for this boy, then Ronan really doesn’t know what is. 

He walks over to Adam, only stopping to drop a quick kiss at the top of his head, then moves towards Adam’s legs. Adam pulls his legs momentarily away to make room for Ronan, then unceremoniously drops them onto Ronan’s lap once he’s seated. It takes Ronan a total of ten seconds to break the silence.

“What are you reading, nerd?”

This gets him a twitch of Adam’s lips, the hint of a smile, and a book raised pointedly to show him the title. No verbal response, but he can read Adam well enough to know he doesn’t mind a distraction at the moment. 

“Thought you didn’t have any school work this weekend?”

Adam shrugs and pointedly keeps his eyes on his book, the ghost of a smile still present. It’s a challenge that Ronan is all too familiar with, and something that’s been happening more often now that the academic year is finally wrapping up. Adam being playful, Adam kissing him deep and slow then innocently saying “oh sorry, forgot I have an assignment to do” and laughing when Ronan groans, Adam looking up from a task he’s done with and issuing a challenge of there, you can distract me now. Adam, Adam, Adam.. 

Ronan never turns down a challenge. 

“Is that my hoodie?” Ronan changes tactics now. If he can’t get a verbal response, he can definitely get a physical one. Adam nods once in affirmation. “Looks really fucking good on you.”

This does the trick. Adam looks up at him for a fraction of a second and it’s all that Ronan needs. Their eyes catch and hold. Adam’s cheeks bloom with colour, the redness of his cheeks standing out against his tan skin and making his freckles look darker. This isn’t the first time Ronan has told Adam that his clothes look good on him, and it isn’t the first time it has elicited a reaction either. Adam bites his lip, barely holding back a smile now. 

“The sweatpants too,” Ronan rubs a thumb against Adam’s knee as he says this. “Though they’re a bit loose.”

Ronan’s hand sneaks up Adam’s leg, and Adam shakes his head; this isn’t fair play. But Ronan pays it no mind, because his hand lands on the bottom of Adam’s hoodie, bunches it up a bit -so that Ronan can lean down, and drop a kiss to Adam’s hip. He rubs Adam’s hipbone with his thumb and kisses it again. This part isn’t a game, it’s just habit. 

Adam groans. 

Ronan hears the thud of the book being dropped to the carpet, before he feels Adam’s hands tugging at his shoulders and pulling him closer, so that he’s practically lying on top of Adam now, arms braced on either side of his head. 

Ronan gives him a wide grin, the victory swift and sweet.

“Hey” Ronan says, all casual.

“You,” Adam replies. “Are a menace.” His cheeks are still tinged with redness, his pupils blown wide, a smile lingering just around his lips. Ronan is so in love with him, his heart aches with it.

“Sorry man, weren’t you done reading?” Ronan asks, instead of caving in and kissing Adam like he desperately wants to.

“Fuck you,” Adam laughs, and the cursing, or the laughter, or both send sparks shooting down Ronan’s spine. Ronan kisses him. Screw the game, he’s won already, from the moment he said Adam’s name like a prayer on his birthday and Adam Parrish kissed him.

Adam smiles against his lips, as if reading his mind. He cradles Ronan’s face, looks at him, kisses him again and again and again. 

Ronan kisses back, thinks that this is the one game Adam never minds losing, and then Adam reaches for his tshirt and he stops thinking altogether.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hey, so I'm force to go to this xenophobic church in Manhattan- they even have an organization where they go to abortion clinics and coerce people w/ uteruses to not go forward with the abortion (they are very open with promoting this organization). I stopped paying tithes to them a long time ago, because knowing what I know abt the intricacies of childbirth & what it's like to be LGBTQ+ in particular, I literally cannot support what the church is doing bc I believe its harmful (1)

Today my mom and I were talking about finances and I’ve been in a sort of bind recently because I’ve had to pay off credit cards, one of which I used to pay for repairs to my car & another person’s car when I got into an accident over the summer, plus I still have my biweekly car payments to worry about. I’ve been managing, but I dont really have much money to myself, and because everyone’s out at either work or school, I normally buy food for myself because no one is home to cook. (2)

My mom straight up told me that the reason why I have been broke is b/c I’m not paying tithes, which kind of took me off guard bc I thought it was because I wasnt putting in as much hours for school (I have a two day break on Monday-Tuesday but decided not to put in any extra hours because I didn’t want to overwork myself like last semester + my mental health has been extremely poor). (3)

Since she said that I’ve been in a sort of panic mode, that maybe I won’t be able to be myself in the future and get surgery/HRT and find a suitable partner (I’m an aro/ace trans guy and I desire to be in a qpp with another guy), which has been debilitating because I’ve been seriously struggling with my social skills, and have literally only two friends that I’ve been keeping contact with occasionally, though its difficult because we have all gone on separate paths due to life basically (4)

Anyways this is a super long ask but I felt like it needed context because the fact that I suck as socializing & making friends has affected my self-esteem and mental health to the point where I have thoughts of s*icide, among other things, including flashbacks of traumatic events that I wouldnt have otherwise remembered. Basically I wanted to ask- am I wrong for not paying tithes to this church? Will God punish me for not paying tithes to this church? (5)__________

Hey there, anon. I’m so sorry for the delay in answering this, I’ve been having some mental health issues of my own so I’ve been taking a little break from this blog. I hope that you are hanging in there, and that things might even be looking up for you since you sent this in. 

I’m sorry that you are experiencing so much distress right now; and that your mom’s comments have added to it. I know that money is tight for you right now, but if at all possible, I recommend seeking professional help to guide you through dealing with the flashbacks of traumatic events and all that; some therapists offer sliding scale payment options for patients who need it. I know that’s not what you’re asking about though, so on to tithes.

I 100% think you’re making the right decision not offering your money to this church. You disagree with their ministry and do not see God’s will in it; giving them money would be contributing to those ministries.

People offer tithes (or a smaller fraction of their financial income) to their faith community as an expression of gratitude to God, a willing response to God’s activity in that faith community. You see God’s movement in a community, and you want to be a part of that movement; so you offer financial gifts to keep the movement going. Generosity should never be pressured out of a person, it should never feel like an obligation; if the Holy Spirit is moving you to give, you’ll feel a real desire to give. 

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 8:11-13 about our financial offerings coming from a place of desire, not obligation: 

“And in this matter I am giving my advice: it is appropriate for you who began last year not only to do something but even to desire to do something—now finish doing it, so that your eagerness may be matched by completing it according to your means. For if the eagerness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has — not according to what one does not have.“ 

That above quote teaches us several things about offerings made to our faith communities, the first of which applies directly to your current situation, while the other two apply to giving in general:

It assures us that we should give what we desire to give – that desire and eagerness will come to us naturally when we truly hear God’s Word read, proclaimed, and acted out. 

The quote also assures us that one only has to give “according to what one has, not according to what one does not have” – so even if you one day find a faith community wherein the Spirit moves you to desire to give, 10% of your current income is probably more than you have to give at the moment, and that’s okay.

Finally, Paul doesn’t specify finances in this quote – what you give to a church whose mission you believe God approves of doesn’t have to be money, especially if money isn’t something you have at the moment. It might be your time or your skills, your voice or your strength, your art or your presence – whatever unique gifts God has given you that you can use for the good of God’s world. 

If you don’t see God’s activity at this church, and thus are not moved to a genuine desire to offer what money you can, don’t do it. God does not oblige us to give money just for the sake of giving it; it’s not a task to check off the list of things you need to do in order to “earn” God’s love or blessing in your life. You don’t have to do a single thing to “earn” God’s love and blessing; God gives these things freely to each of us. 

Sometimes we don’t recognize that love and blessing clearly, because for better or worse God isn’t a micro-manager who swoops in and makes everything work out perfectly in our lives. Instead, humanity’s free will has built up systems that keep many of us poor, many of us oppressed; people who don’t “deserve” to suffer…suffer. Not from any fault of theirs, not because they failed to “earn” God’s help or because they did something to bring God’s punishment on them – but because that’s just the way this world is right now. It hurts people who should be protected. Even so, we trust that God is there – God is there with you in the midst of your distress, your struggles to make ends meet, your pain at the trauma you’re reliving. 

You aren’t broke because you’re not paying tithes; you’re broke because our world is broken and forces students to work long hours on top of keeping up with schoolwork and mental health stuff. I’m so sad and mad on your behalf that you’re stuck in this situation, and I hope things improve really soon.

Friend, I promise you, there will be a future where you’re able to go on hrt, where you are able to live as your full self, where you have friends and a qp partner and where you are happy and loved. There will be a future where you find a faith community that you’re thrilled to give back to, whether that’s your time and talent or your money or all of the above, because you truly see God’s activity in the work they do. It sucks that these things aren’t all true for you here and now, but I believe in that future for you. In the meantime, I promise you: God’s with you, unconditionally. 

[incubae-fics]

True Power [AU!Aomaris]

Pairing: Female!Reader[3rd POV] x AU!Sam 

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of sexual themes, reader is mentioned to have a chubby form but you can disregard if you’d really like

A/N: Hi i still love sam and i like to project in my writings kinda, I got some james bullshit in the works bc i love my best friend and rip, tungle dot hell kinda fucked over my first vers of this so yay

A powerful brute demon, that’s what he was, and still is. His true form sported large protruding green horns, pointed in a way that looked like they could stab you if he tried hard enough. His skin was littered with swirls of green taint, and underneath that? Scars. Puffy, often red and angry scars, signs of his immense power. Remnants of all his wins, of what he could withstand and grow back from. His true name is Aomaris, but none but family would call him that. He was always the brute, and soon, it was just Sam, if anyone cared to learn what he called himself.

Even in a world where no one knew who and what he truly was, he was still feared. His scars were not hidden by dark green swirls, but by what clothing humans would wear. Sometimes they’d peek out. His shirt would ride up. His sleeves would creep upwards, and they’d be bared to prying eyes. His jaw was always set to a tense. His eyes were always burning. His aura screamed of his immense power, lying dormant somewhere deep within him. Humans, strangers that didn’t even know his name, avoided him often. He felt their fear and suspicion, and found comfort in for once, being unbothered and unchallenged. He guessed most humans were smart enough to know better.

That was, until she arrived. She strode right into the front door of what was now his home. He’d been weak, had gone too long without rage energy since he was constantly avoided, so he turned to the only other energy he knew he could feed from. He stole a kiss, relished in the energy he needed. Her eyes had glazed over, his enthrallment taking hold in that moment- but only for that moment. He had expected her to flee, maybe to even burst into tears because some gruesome man just stole from her lips- but she didn’t. Her face scrunched up like he expected, her fists clenched too. However, she remained rooted to the ground, feet firmly planted. 

“You son of a bitch.”, she spat, causing him to grin- but the grin was short lived.

Within a fraction of a second, he felt his teeth clack against each other. Her first had collided with his jaw, painfully so, which was surprising.

She had punched him.

“Did you just-”

“I sure did, you fucking asshole. Touch me again and see what happens.”, she had hissed, and with that, the domino effect began.

From there things just went insane. That one interaction led to an odd chain of events that somehow led him to where he was now. Had anyone tried to tell past him where he’d end up, he’d have laughed in their faces. She was not someone he had expected to.. fall for. In all honesty, he was sure falling was something he couldn’t do, not in a romantic sense. He was a demon, an incubus at that. One well known for being a ruthless and angry brute, even if he could feel love, he knew he didn’t deserve it. He’s still so sure he doesn’t deserve her. Especially with how it all began, a punch to his face.

The punch led to worse things. Screaming matches, awful names spat out, leaving them to both burn with the venom of the other on them. Some apologies were made here and there, but at the end, both were at fault. Both were always at fault and maybe that’s what led to this. Sam would repeat it all over again if it meant he’d always have her. He’d let himself burn over and over- show her all the scars he had- break every single last one of his walls, as long as at the end of it all, she would still love him.

He found it so funny sometimes. He could fight off armies of humans alone if he needed to. Had the strength to lift full buildings and the speed to travel as far as he pleased quicker than the eye could see. He was powerful, his very body radiated strength and amazing abilities. Yet, this one human woman, could have him undone in seconds. She could have him at his knees- hold him to her mercy, but she didn’t. She only ruined him in the best of ways, just as she had from the start.

She didn’t think of it as funny. Something about it was.. amazing in a sense. She was just a human, hopelessly in love with an incubus. A demon known to be well versed in sex. A demon named Aomaris, one with scars of past fights all over his body. Though to her, the scars weren’t so ugly or nasty. She only wished them gone when she thought of the pain they caused him. When she recalled that they were there because he had to fight tooth and nail just to live peacefully. It wasn’t because she thought they were in the way. She still viewed his body in a wonderful light, in an alluring one.

She’d viewed him like he was this beautiful greek statue (however he’d blush furiously and demand he wasn’t one if she voiced this thought). She often swore she paled in comparison to him- that she didn’t fit. She was just a normal human, just someone plain and not at all well versed in sex.

She still wondered how it was that he loved someone like her. Someone whose body type does not match his. Someone lumpy and squishy as opposed to firm and solid. She failed to wrap her head around how she managed to have him this way. He was so powerful- so very different and deserving of nothing short of perfection , but here he was. Beneath her, gripping her hips so tight, as if he was starved and she was his only source of nourishment. He looked up at her, emerald eyes burning with such a fire of emotions. With such love- such adoration and pure unrelenting pleasure. She had him in a way no other ever could. Elicited such pleasurable sounds and faces from him. Had his rough but warm hands running over every inch of skin she used to think he’d never want. Lips exploring places she swore she’d only feel in sweet dreams. His husked voice whispered sweet promises- spoke soft loving words she craved. Words she reciprocated- oblivious to how that blissfully had his heart bursting.

She had this all powerful demon at her mercy- but never did she think to use it for personal gain. Didn’t seek to just take and never give. That’s what really had him. She gave and gave, and all of it was his for the taking. His to keep and never share. No other man would have this view he had- would have her melting like he did. No one would hear her sweet sounds or be able to savor her taste. He had this woman all to himself- this woman that was completely unaware of her immense power over him. He’d do anything she asked. Give into any request she gave- even if it resulted in his pain or abrupt death.

He’d fought so hard all his life, and he never knew what really drove him aside from his own brother. Never really craved anything for himself.

Now, he craved nothing more than this. Than having her close, clothed or otherwise. Hearing her voice, be it in the form of sweet sighs or excited words. He was in so deep he was drowning, but he wasn’t fighting it. He didn’t have to fight anymore- she wasn’t letting him drown. She was letting him just be, loving him as he was.

Loving him even with the angry scars, even as he was another being entirely. A demon. A dragon. A broken man that lost about everything. She filled him up with life as he swore to always protect hers.

Aomaris could be as powerful as he wanted, could claim any throne or any life as he saw fit.

At the very end of it all, the true power lied within this human woman turned demon- with the other half of his soul. He knew it all along, but never really felt it in its entirety until she was his in every sense of the word. 

His true power was really just hers all along. She’d shared her strength, provided him means of gathering back his sense of self. She pushed him into working on it- into healing, giving him the power to say he healed himself. The strength to stand again, straight upright on his own two feet. She made him the happiest man alive- became his one and only wife, and the Mother of his children. She gave him all that he so craved deep down, but never felt worthy of.

A powerful human turned succubus, that’s what she was. All powerful with two sets of horns and lovely tainted skin. She was a Queen in her own right, but not of any kingdom. Just of a man- a brute incubus, and his lap was her throne. She sat gracefully upon it. 

Something like a match made in heaven, if heaven ever allowed souls such as theirs..

[nightglider124]

RobStar Week 2019: Day 4

Shock, I went with the most generic idea for this one bc I just... couldn’t think of a smart way around the prompt so I went for the normal stuff but I hope you guys still like it...

Heads up... this has not been proofread yet... like none of them have; I’ll end up proofreading them all like the end of this week when I put the oneshots on ff.net.

___________________________________________________________

Fever

Small, intricate kisses of snow fell from the grey sky; bleak in appearance but birthing a truly wonderful spectacle of nature. The snowflakes floated down like an army but there was a gentleness to the way they touched the Earth; graceful and unhindered.

Snow had fallen through the entirety of the night; blankets of white coated the city; roads and buildings adorning a thick layer of the stuff. Cars slowly drove around the near deserted roads with chunks of snow atop their roofs, waiting for it to fade and melt, rather than bothering to scrape it away themselves.

It had been a particularly bitter start to Winter in the confines of Jump city; the bite that accompanied the blustery gales was especially sharp. It was the type of sting that turned cheeks rosy, that caused warm skin to plummet in temperature and numbness to set in where tingles lingered, all in a matter of seconds.

The nights were the worst to endure; the freezing temperature would be static, hanging in the air like an unwanted presence and coming for those trying their hardest to avoid it. The winds were stronger and they carried a harsher sensation than the day time did; like icicles pricking the surface of skin, pain shooting all the way down to the toes. 

But, despite the hazardous weather conditions, there were certain vigilantes who believed strongly in that heroes never stopped, even if snow and coldness seemingly blocked them.

Robin had taken the liberty of completing the nightly patrol for the previous evening; staying out in the city from midnight, all the way through to the early hours of the current day. He’d remained wrapped in his cape, evidently forgoing his thermal uniform, deciding it wasn’t going to be quite that cold at the start of November.

He shifted, throwing himself back and forth beneath the heavy covers that smothered his body, cocooning him in warmth that was not the kind that offered comfort and content. It was hot; sweltering and blistering like he could burst into flames at any given moment.

It felt like too much; an overwhelming sense of fire, building and flushing against his skin, from head to toe. 

Thin layers of sweat could be felt on various points of his body and he felt sticky. He wanted to tear the covers off of him as well as wanting to remove everything on his body that he could. His uniform had long been discarded and he lay in bed in nothing but a pair of boxers.

However, even the thin material of his underwear felt as though it was getting too much to bare. 

Robin attempted to hurl the covers off and onto the floor, but the minute he shifted and moved the sheets away, he shuddered and felt goosebumps speckle across his exposed skin. He shivered and tugged the covers back up and over his head.

His chest was heavy as he forced himself to breathe louder and more forcefully, something stopping him from hearing the rhythm as it normally flowed. His ears felt full and fuzziness clouded his thoughts, feeling woozy whenever he turned his head.

Robin could feel the bunged up annoyance in his nose; the telltale signs of a flu like illness. 

Groaning to himself, he barked out a throaty cough and sank his face back into the comfort of his pillow, allowing his arms to flop out at his sides. One arm slipped off of the mattress completely and his fingers brushed against the carpet below him

The boy wonder was so exhausted, mentally and physically that he didn’t even hear the door swoosh open, nor did he hear the shuffling feet to signify someone entering his personal domain.

“Robin?” 

He was groggy, not being too certain if he had actually heard anything at all. But, he could have sworn he heard a velvet smooth voice; one that was oh so familiar to him.

“Robin?”

Suddenly, his eyes cracked open just a touch, a headache beginning to bloom immediately after the first ray of mangled sunlight met his gaze. He opened his mouth and was confused when he didn’t receive a reply, only to realize moments later that he hadn’t actually uttered a single vocal word.

He felt her crouch beside his bed, the natural warmth that she radiated bathing his skin and whilst it wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t too comfortable either, given his current predicament.

Her jade eyes skimmed over his body, accessing him. Placing a hand on his back, she frowned and her brows knitted together in worry.

“Robin… are you well?”

He tried to mumble a reassurance, tried to make his voice sound like he hadn’t just gargled sandpaper.

If anything, Starfire became more concerned when he spoke, her fingers clenching against the material of the covers.

She turned her body towards him and peeled back the covers slightly, despite his protests, so that his bare, sweaty back was exposed.

Touching his back before trailing her fingers up his spine and neck, Starfire stroked his hair, trying her best to soothe her clearly sick boyfriend.

Through the haze of sleep and his new flu symptoms, Robin smiled to himself and hummed in appreciation for the gesture.

Her hand lifted and she pressed the back of it to his forehead and cheeks, “Oh, Robin…” she muttered, “I told you it would be foolish to do the patrol last night. Even I would have had trouble adjusting to that coldness.”

“... S’fine…” He mumbled, limply waving his hand in dismissal.

Starfire stood up and placed her hands on her hips, shaking her head at him, “It is not fine, Robin. You are sick.” She paused and strode towards the door, “I will return momentarily.”

He made a half hearted attempt at calling out for her but he just sounded muffled, with little of his voice actually singing through the air.

With a determined growl, he slowly turned over onto his back and propped himself up onto his elbows, trying his best to ignore the way his stomach lurched and his head spun.

Robin hunched forward as a series of coughs broke free from his mouth; a hacking, rough type of sound.

He coughed and sputtered before he took a shuddering breath to calm down, his shoulders heaving from the onslaught.

Sighing, Robin leaned his head back against the wall, his pillow now cushioning his lower back.

Admittedly, he felt better sitting upright; not much but it helped a fraction.

He sniffled, finding himself struggling to breathe; his head feeling plugged by the nasal constriction as he opted to breathe through his mouth.

Robin opened his eyes as much as he could manage, glaring at the pale ceiling above him as he tried to get his morning bearings.

Suddenly, his door slid open and Starfire floated through with a tray in her hands, filled up with an assortment of what he assumed would be remedies for his cold.

He cracked a smile, just for her; only for her when he felt so atrocious.

“Star… really, I’m fi-” Robin cut himself off as he sneezed, his whole body jerking forward at the force,

His girlfriend gave him a blank look that he knew she had picked up from Raven by the sheer disbelief written across her features.

“You are not fine, Robin.” She commented, clicking her tongue at him, “You are the clammy and your voice is croaky and you have the fever.”

“I’m a little hot but I don’t have a-”

Before he could finish, Starfire used one hand that was on the tray to pass him a thermometer, “We shall see. Open your mouth please.”

Robin blinked at her and sighed; he did feel awful but he didn’t want her worrying any more than she already appeared to be so he decided to let her nurse him.

And he would try not to enjoy it as best he could.

The boy wonder followed her with a cerulean gaze as she fussed, setting the tray down, fluffing the pillow behind his back as well as pressing a cooling pack to his forehead, gentle as ever.

Finally the device that he had beneath his tongue made several beeps, signifying it had reached the conclusion they were both waiting for.

Starfire plucked it from between his lips and narrowed her eyes at the number it read, “38.5 degrees.”

He swallowed and fidgeted under her concerned stare, “See? It’s not… that high…”

Her brows furrowed as she placed it on the tray, “It is higher than it should be, Richard.”

Ignoring the muzzy notion in his head, he grabbed her hand and stopped her from moving again, “Hey, stop, okay? I’m fine. It’s just a little cold is all. Raven’s healed me when I’ve been sick loads of times.”

Forest green collided with deep blue as she met his gaze, “I know but Raven will not be home until later today. She is out with Beast Boy and… I do not want you to worsen until she is back…”

Robin smiled before he began sniffling and gave into a small coughing fit.

Starfire was behind him in seconds, patting his back in an attempt to help in any way she could. He took comfort in the soft touch that grazed his skin, her palms offering help and love that he couldn’t deny.

“Please… I have made you an Earth soup that I have read is good for humans when they are sick.” Starfire murmured, getting up and cupping the bowl of soup.

She lifted it toward his face and his stomach rumbled at the smell of it; he assumed it was chicken but he was surprised that it smelt so divine.

“Cyborg helped me to prepare it…” She told him, shyly ducking her head,

He grinned despite his aching bones and muscles screaming at him not to, “It smells great…” Robin paused, “Well… from what I can smell.”

Starfire giggled and passed the broth to him. Robin took a deep breath, trying to glean some of the scent but failing to do so. He grabbed the spoon and carefully started eating it, the sensation of heat trickling down his throat and soothing the soreness.

“That helps?” She wondered,

He sighed and briefly closed his eyes, “It does, thank you.” 

Robin saw the way her smile lit up her whole face at that answer and she sat up straight, pride swelling within her at making herself useful while he was not well.

He sniffled as he devoured the soup, only realizing he was so famished when he was halfway through the bowl. As he ate the very last of the soup, he took a deep breath and set the now empty bowl back on the tray beside him.

“You know… there’s something else which could really help me feel better…” Robin muttered, lacing his fingers with hers,

Starfire tilted her head at him, “Oh?”

“Well… kisses are often given to make loved ones feel better on Earth…”

She gave him a smirk, “Oh, is that so?”

“Uh huh…” He replied, forcing a puppy face as much as he could,

“I suppose…” She trailed off as she leaned across the space between them, placing a hand on the bed to support herself.

Starfire lifted her head and pressed her lips to his, melding them to his without so much as a stroke of effort; they fit together so well. His lips were cold but before long, there were sparks across the tender skin, leaving a burst of heat all over the nerve endings in them.

After a long moment, Starfire pulled back, winking at him and smirking before she took a seat on the edge of his bed once more,

“Happy?” 

Robin grinned, sitting there with a dopey expression amidst his still unwell appearance, “Very... “ He paused and froze, “I… uh… I hope I won’t get you sick.”

Her silver tinkling laugh bounced around his bedroom and she waved her hand, “Do not fear, Robin… I cannot contract human viruses… even if I gave you a thousand kisses.”

“Hey, a thousand kisses sounds like a good type of remedy for this…” He smirked,

She blinked at her pale, poorly boyfriend and shook her head, bursting into laughter as he tugged her forward for more affection to which she happily obliged him. 

[cs-discourse]

Breaking Down Clowns' Posts: Episode One with Mochi

let's get into a Breakdown, shall we? my interpretations are in bold :) 

I’m fucking over this mewlin bullshit. Idc what kind of hate I’m going to get over this because obviously nobody is allowed to have beliefs contrary to your own anymore. to start off, saying "idc what kind of hate i'm going to get over this" before saying something defending a terrible opinion is a bad thing to do, just sayin. you saying "because obviously nobody..." makes it seem like you're annoyed with us being upset over transphobia! that's just my interpretation, but it'd bc a shame if you were :) because our opinion is valid and mewlin's transphobic opinions are not. anyways, if the beliefs you hold could potentially harm somebody/a community, they aren't valid whatsoever. let's put it this way (thank u alcides for saying this): bigoted people vote for bigoted opinions. bigoted opinions lead to bigoted laws, and these laws will harm people's lives & affect the choices they are able to make. also, blatant transphobia is so different from a VALID opposing belief such as preferring winter over summer. transphobia kills. favorite seasons don't. But anyways. Y’all need to laY oFF. Mewlin is a person, just like you and I. She thinks, eats, and breathes. nice to know she's living-- what exactly does this have to do with the point you're trying to make? homophobes think, eat, and breathe. racists, eat, think, and breathe. i could go on! She doesn’t deserve even a fraction of this harassment. are you sure...?? not even.... 1/100th of it? god, i can't believe a transphobe would actually DESERVE harassment!! the audacity!!! you should never be harassed for holding an opinion that harms someone's life! (extreme sarcasm, if you couldn't tell!) I get it, her beliefs are upsetting to you. thank you for stating the obvious! why wouldn't we be upset with a transphobe? Obviously I don’t agree with her beliefs, I think transphobia is nasty. i mean if my friend was a transphobe i'd fucking run from them but u do u boo BUT that doesn’t make her a bad person. You hear me? YOUR BELIEFS DONT DEFINE YOU. i've had to repeat something along the lines of this statement many times but i'll say it again: if your beliefs harm other people, then that's all people will define you with. Mewlin is a sweet, kind, supportive person with some controversial beliefs. some....? controversial beliefs? transphobia isn't even controversial ur either a terrible person or ur not. I’m not saying you have to love her, you can hate her with every ounce of your being, but keep it to your damn self! if u love her, keep it to your damn self! look what you've done by posting this. you've prompted a response from myself & many others. I don’t expect trans people to be all buddy buddy with her, or even cis people. But you have no right to dehumanize her the way you’ve been. i mean..... isn't she dehumanizing trans people by saying they're invalid & wrong....... :0c When she had her moments of saying nasty things, SHE DIDN’T KNOW BETTER. When she was called out, she stopped! did she really? Doesn’t erase what she said but it doesn’t mean she had bad intentions. i distinctly remember her defending her use of the word (tw!!) tr*p so like. ok You guys are so out to get her that you don’t realize she’s a person too. A person with emotions and a life to live. when are u going to stop using the "shes a person!!!" argument... zzzzzzz How do you think she feels reading about you all calling her disgusting and telling her she has no rights to this or that or even at all? i would hope she feels regret for her transphobic actions and that's all. Mewlin is truly a sweet, generous person. She gives people things out of the kindness of her heart. She’s gifted me a kalon and some edits, not to clear her name or to prove anything, but because she wanted to. what point are you trying to prove??? this is like saying a bully is a good person bc they're nice to their friends?? Have you ever considered that maybe her pfp on discord is that pride icon jish made because she wants to express her support?? okay... and? someone who's bi (assuming she's using the bi pride one) can still be transphobic lmao. Sure, she’s had her moments, but maybe she’s getting better. if she's getting better, i'd like to personally hear from her & not one of her friends. Maybe the pride icon is her way of trying to open up a little bit, and hey, she knows I’m a genderfluid lesbian and she’s never said a word to me about it. good for u!! must be because you're friends w her. she must be desperate to hold onto the few people who manage to ignore her bigoted opinions! Grow the fuck up and learn to either keep your mouth shut or GET OVER IT. Bitching about it on this blog for months is only keeping you angry and upsetting Mewlin more. i'm pretty sure people have the right to defend their identities & like. we would stay quiet if mewlin didn't continue to clown around This is counterproductive!! Yeah, you hate her. Woohoo!! You get a gold star! omg, thank u!!!! Now move on and do something with your life that isn’t obsessing over one person who is MISERABLE because of you. She is getting nasty dms all the time that are really upsetting to her all because you guys think it’s a fun idea to harrass her more. ok i haven't DMed her so i really don't have an opinion on that but., it's not like we're 'harassing' her without being provoked?? all of this drama starts with her & her bigoted statements/actions CS is supposed to be a fun, enjoyable game for everyone. It’s supposed to be a safe space. Lay off already and let her enjoy her safe space like you all get to as well. the problem with the last statement is that we don't get to truly enjoy this 'safe space' if transphobes like her are making trans people uncomfortable, afraid, and upset so like. Ok She’s not hurting anyone! really? she's not hurting anyone? If her existence makes you THAT uncomfortable, fucking block her and go. already have, luv xx I’m over it! I’m done reading the hate she gets on here and getting dms from my upset or even terrified friend because of what people said to/about her. are u trying to get us to sympathize w a transphobe..?? im confused. Imagine if it were you. i mean. if you read the salt blog last year it Was me so uhhhhh. what's your point?? i know i fucked up but it seems like all mewlin is doing is crying despite causing Imagine if it were your friend. i'm not friends with transphobes so i can't relate! There’s this DBT skill called radical acceptance. It’s where you recognize that it is what it is. You cannot change it so rather than sitting in your misery and spreading it around, simply accept that’s what it is and keep going with your life. Try it, it actually works pretty well. Radically accept that when it comes down to it, you can’t change her. So accept how she is and move on. are u asking people to accept that someone on what's supposed to be a safe space is a transphobe...??? Okay, I’m done rambling now. I’ve said my piece, I’m ready for the hate to come pouring in 👌

with this closing statement: it's 1am and i'm tired so! this is monky brain typing. i really don't have sympathy for mewlin whatsoever so like i really don't care if she gets upset over my response bc it's nowhere near compared to what trans people have to go through so :) my final words are: fuck mewlin and anybody who likes her despite her invalid shitty opinions.