#I know I've talked about this before but believe me it's both always relevant and somewhat timely with the fandom stuff lately lol

[sysig]

Hhhhh I have missed x12s so much <3 <3 <3

[hardlyinteresting]

Personal

Aaron Hotchner x reader

A case hits a little too close to home for the reader. Hotch makes sure she knows she not alone even as they struggle to decide if they're colleagues, friends, or something more.

Warnings: female reader, (I've given her the nickname Sweets), No physical description of reader, mildly graphic descriptions of injuries, cannon-compliant themes of violence, themes of past domestic violence, mild hurt/comfort, I am not a profiler so there are likely mistakes in the profile (please let me know if there are any warnings you'd like me to add. Aaron Hotchner Masterlist | Send Requests

Word count: 3.2K

"Hope is a gift. You can't choose to have it. To believe and yet to have no hope is to thirst beside a fountain" Ann-Marie MacDonald

The case comes in early in the morning. Aaron has hardly managed a sip of his coffee when the phone rings with a call from a local P.D. in Aberdeen, Virginia. It's urgent. It always is. He cannot begrudge the haste with which his job forces him to chug down the scalding liquid in his mug as he calls upon Garcia to prep the relevant files for the case. It's not the first time, and it certainly won't be the last. Sufficiently caffeinated (albeit with a burnt tongue), and briefed on the case, Hotch calls the team to meet him in the conference room. 

His colleagues seem to be in good spirits today. With a passing glance around the room Hotch silently completes a behavioural checklist for each of them in his mind. No one on the team seems over-exhausted, overtly anxious, or withdrawn. They chat amongst themselves, teasing and joking like siblings as they wait for him to settle into the remaining seat at the table. He nods at Penelope, “Garcia, let's get started”. With a quick “yes, sir,” she presses a button on the remote to begin the briefing. 

This morning the police in Aberdeen discovered the body of a woman left propped up against the wall outside a local medical clinic. Abigail Lawson. 27 years old. She had been badly beaten. A single stab wound. No sign of sexual assault. 

“Cause of death?” Prentiss asks. 

“Blunt force trauma to the head,” Garcia supplies the response. 

“And she's the first?” Morgan follows up. 

“Two weeks ago Stella Amos, twenty-five,  was admitted to hospital with similar injuries. She passed away two hours later. A punctured lung”. 

The photographs of the injuries are disturbing. After years on the job, the images never seem to get less brutal. A chill travels down his spine as he looks over the extent of the wounds on both of the women. A hush falls over the room as everyone else takes a moment to swallow down their own shock and compartmentalize their feelings of disgust. They train themselves, scanning the photographs and notes for the facts they can work with in hopes of saving anyone else from meeting the same fate. 

“No stab wound. Are we sure these cases are connected?” Reid surveys the provided facts one more time.

“Similar age, hair colour. They were from the same neighbourhood. Steady jobs,” Rossi lists, “there's a pattern in victimology to be sure”.

“They could be unconnected acts of domestic violence,” Morgan posits before continuing, “but leaving these women at medical centres is unique. Could be remorse”.

“A man who beats women within an inch of their lives before dropping them off for medical attention. It's a big risk. Knowing they might survive to identify him”.

Hotch nods at the assessment. He had followed the same thought process himself when he got the call. 

“Maybe he's banking on them being too afraid to talk if they do pull through,” another voice in the room speaks up for the first time this morning. Sweets, the team calls her. An affectionate nickname that’s stuck since her first week on the team. “the stabbing is an escalation and these are high-risk victims. This UNSUB isn't worried about getting caught. These attacks are personal to him somehow”. It's an important assertion, and something they'll need to consider as they build and expand their working profile. 

He's glad to hear Sweets adding to the conversation. She's never been shy when contributing to the team's brainstorms, and he had begun to worry when it had taken her so long to speak up. He doesn't miss the wobble in her tone, or the way she now avoids eye contact. She’s a valuable team member, and despite being the most recent addition she’s settled herself flawlessly over the last year. Aaron is well aware of the poor retention rate for new team members in the BAU and has continued to be impressed by her ability to hang on to her brand of optimism and take their most difficult cases in stride. She’s worked hard to see the best in people, and unsurprisingly endeared herself to those around her; himself included. 

At first, Hotch had been grateful for her unique perspective from her experience working for victim services. Then, he grew to appreciate her attention to detail, and the way his piles of paperwork seemed smaller and smaller at the end of each week. She quickly became a friend and a confidant after long nights in the office, and the field. Now, their relationship lies in limbo somewhere between friends and something more. 

Lately, the tugging at his heartstrings has grown nearly painful. All the old cliches leave his heart racing and he feels like a teenager whenever her hand brushes against his own. A night out with the team had ended with her curled up in his bed the next morning, and he’s been a goner ever since. It's been weeks, she hasn’t mentioned it, so neither has he. The guise of professionalism makes it easy to shove down his insecurities, and recurring fears; his age; his scars, physical and metaphorical; the weight of his career; he pushes them to the back of his mind. He does not dare to hope. He does not allow himself to consider the reasons why she might want to keep him at arm's length. It hurts less that way. “Whatever the case we've got a week before he strikes again,” Hotch confirms, his mind focused on the case, “we should head out”.

It’s August, and the sun is nearly blinding; the heat and humidity are intolerable, but nobody complains as they split up between the most recent crime scene, the morgue, and the precinct. Hotch would never admit it, but he’s glad when the woman who occupies half his thoughts volunteers to head to the station with JJ. Not for his peace of mind, but hers. Driving into the town he had seen her hands fidgeting in the back seat of the Suburban. Something about this case is already weighing on her, and he doubts the discomfort of the summer calefaction will be much help. He tries not to think about it any more than that. 

The crime scene doesn’t tell them much more than they already knew. There’s no security footage to help them identify the UNSUB. But, the way he leans the victims to sit against the way rather than just dumping them shows some kind of warped sense of concern for their well-being. The women are likely substitutes for someone else. He was likely raised in a violent home. He can only hope that the rest of the team has managed to learn more. 

Sweets is glad that the station had the forethought to move a coffee maker into the room they’ve set up for the BAU team to work out of. In her short time on the team, she’s learned how essential caffeine is to the function of herself and her teammates. Not enjoying coffee is not an option. Cream and sugar make it tolerable to those who despise the bitter taste. As she preps her second cup of the day she watches Spencer dump 4 packets of sugar into his mug. Whatever gets you through the case. She reminds herself. 

“Defensive wounds on her arms, but her manicure wasn't chipped. There was no blood or skin under her fingernails. No bruising on her knuckles,” Morgan shares what he and Rossi learned at the morgue, “She held her arms up to protect herself, but she didn't fight back. She didn't scratch, claw, or punch her assailant”. 

“She probably knew him then,” Prentiss says, “He’s not sneaking up on these women. But, he has the advantage and control required to attack them head-on”. 

The profile continues to build and Sweets pulls further in on herself. The personal nature of the attacks leaves her nauseous. Flickers of memories she’s fought hard to forget flash behind her eyes, but she forces herself to stay in the room. Reign it in, she wills herself. Without looking across the room she knows Aaron’s eyes are on her. Her cheeks warm though she can’t be sure if it’s his gaze or her anxiety to blame. She tries not to read into it, not wanting to feel too self-important. It’s his job to watch everyone on the team, she knows that. It doesn’t mean anything, she reminds herself the same way she has since she woke up next to him all those weeks ago. She doesn't want attention because she slept with him, and she'd be silly to think it meant anything to him anyway. It's easier to ignore it. He hasn't mentioned it, so she hasn't either.

Despite her best efforts, she does like him. More than she should. Normally, the attention would leave her with butterflies fluttering in her chest, like a schoolgirl with a crush. But today, she feels too seen, too exposed. she focuses her attention on controlling the unwanted emotions this case continues to dredge up. Aaron has seen her undressed, he’s seen her let down her walls and crack jokes. He knows her better than the rest of the team, but this is not a side of her he needs to see. 

 Under the table she plants her feet, pressing the soles of her boots hard against the linoleum. She reminds herself who she’s with and why she’s here. When she’s able to breathe without gagging she speaks up, “If it looks like domestic violence maybe that’s exactly what it is”.  Hotch’s head tilts up, his eyes moving off of the files he’s been pretending to read for the hundredth time, “What do you mean?”

“This morning Morgan said these murders looked like cases of DV. Maybe that’s exactly what this is. We know he had some kind of relationship with the victims-- maybe they were dating him,” Sweets holds her breath waiting for a response.

“It would help to explain the gaps in our profile-- Prentiss, call Garcia and have her look into any recent purchases by the victims. New clothes, new shoes, restaurants, anything that might suggest they’ve been dating,” Hotch instructs, “Sweets, you and JJ should speak to their friends and family; ask if they’ve mentioned anyone new in their lives”. 

Like with any case, she hopes her insight helps, that her perspective and thinking might get them one step closer to finding the UNSUB before anyone else gets hurt; and that they might be able to bring closure to the families of the victims. 

She's learned that personal experience can help as much as it can hinder. Seeing things from an angle that no one else can is certainly an advantage, but it doesn't make it easy to live with either. But, her stomach churns. His face. His touch. The bruises he left behind. She tries to remember she has nothing to be ashamed of. She has nothing to hide. It's no secret everyone on the team struggles with different types of cases, JJ has always found it difficult working cases involving children, and Hotch becomes snappier when they're searching for family annihilators. 

She can feel Aaron's eyes on her again. She prays the twisting in her gut and the scratching in her mind are worth it. 

The next morning begins with news of a third victim. A Jane Doe was found outside the fire station. Aged between 22 and 25. Beaten beyond any kind of recognition. The M.E. will have to try to use dental records to ID her. 

The crime scene photographs are a gruesome addition to the already horrific crime board in the conference room. “It would take an incredible amount of rage and power to beat someone to death like this,” Rossi points out. 

Hotch’s fingers buzz. His usual ground method of rubbing his thumb and forefinger together isn't working. He clenches and unclenches his fist willing the memory of bone cracking, and blood splattering beneath his knuckles away. He hates that even years after his death George Foyet continues to find new ways to sink his teeth in; the mere memory of him is enough to leave bile rising in the back of Aaron's throat. 

Their profile is ready. A white male, mid 20s to early 30s. Traditionally attractive. He's well-groomed and takes pride in his appearance. He more than likely works in an office setting. At work, his desk is neat and well-organized. He does everything by the book. He aspires to a role above his own and will talk about it often. In his eyes, he's overworked and under-appreciated; but, in reality, it's his quick temper and outward frustration that have kept him in his menial role. He may be flirtatious towards the women around him but likely won't pay them any attention when it comes to business matters. As a child he would have grown up in a working-class household, and more than likely faced abuse at the hands of his father. As a teenager, he learned to place blame on his mother for this abuse and began looking down on her the same way his father did. But no amount of hatred could ever win him his father's attention. This made him hate his mother more and allowed his misogynistic views to solidify in adulthood. He will have a history of violence throughout school and early adulthood, and more than likely charges for battery or assault. 

A call from Garcia confirms that the first and second victims both had paid for dinners at restaurants within the same two-block stretch despite living and working on opposite sides of town. Their cards had been used at the restaurants only 25 minutes before their attacks. 

“And he didn’t pay for their dinners either. Chivalry really is dead,” Prentiss dismisses. Predictably, their collective disdain for the UNSUB continues to grow as they learn more about him. Penelope manages to rustle up security footage from one of the restaurants, she's unable to get a facial ID on the man leaving with the first victim but promises to search for other footage from the area and call back when she has a new lead. One step closer, Hotch reminds himself. 

Twenty minutes later word from the M.E. Office arrives. A positive ID on Jane Doe. Grace McKinney, 24. Aaron watches as Sweets pins a photograph of Grace to the victims' board. Her hands shake as she takes a step back, and then she's rushing out of the room before he can ask if she's alright. 

His body feels lead-heavy, his limbs so hebetudinous that he’d swear he was melting into the floor if it weren’t for his feet carrying him out of the room without instruction. Sweets is doubled over in the alleyway behind the station, remnants of her breakfast splashed across the ground. She has nothing left to bring up, but still she dry heaves as if trying to expel more than the contents of her stomach. He knows the feeling. 

“Sweets?” his voice starles her, and Hotch is quick to hold his hands out in a surrendering motion as he approaches, “Are you alright?” He knows the real answer, and he knows that she’ll look right at him and lie; but he asks anyway. “Are you asking as my boss, or as my friend?” She asks. “Would it make a difference?” it’s his turn to wonder. Finally close enough to touch her, he places a hand on her back. It’s impossible to miss the shiver that runs up her spine. Sweets hides her face, angling herself away from her, shrinking in on herself. She tries to hide from him, as unwilling as ever to show any kind of weakness real or perceived. “I’m asking as someone who cares,” Hotch tries again, snuffing out the burning sensation that seems to grow in his chest; his fear of vulnerability fighting hard to shut him down. He won’t let it. “It’s me,” she tells him as if it’s obvious. “Yes”. He's confused. Of course, it's her, he can see her standing right in front of him. “It's me. I'm the Jane Doe; Grace. Abigail. Stella”. His heart stops. She continues, looking at him for the first time, her eyes tearing up, “Not literally-- I just mean…”

“The victimogy. I understand. Same age, hair colour, similar backgrounds--”

“Yes,” She admits, “but we see cases with women who look like me all the time”. 

Aaron nods, taking her openness as an opportunity to guide her out of the alleyway, waiting patiently for her to continue in her own time. “I had a boyfriend a few years ago…I just-- I need some time to collect myself”. 

Again, Aaron nods, understanding, “Would you like me to leave?” 

She shakes her head, her hand shooting up to hold to his arm. She’s shaking less now than she was before. More than ever he wants to hold her, but he doesn’t want to overstep; and during a case, there are lines he cannot cross as her boss. It’s the crux of the predicament they’ve found themselves in. Their personal lives and feelings bleeding and blending to create this strait. Deep down, he’s sure that a line of open communication between them would ease this impasse, but he’s far too shy to suggest it. For now, he settles for being glad her breathing has slowed, and her tears have stopped. “Thank you,” Sweets breathes out. Her hand slips down to squeeze his before she lets go and steps away from him.  “Anytime,” he swears. He means it. 

They find their UNSUB three hours later. Garcia’s scanning of security footage gives them a few license plates from cars within a two-block radius of the restaurants the victims went to. Only one owner fits their profile. He’s at work when they find him. Sweets takes great pleasure in cuffing the man. Hotch has no complaints. 

When they arrive back in Quantico it’s nearing midnight. The team takes their leaving swearing they’ll finish their paperwork tomorrow morning. Sweets takes advantage of the rare silence in the bullpen to complete her reports. She’s not ready to go home. Not yet. At work, she has a shield, a carefully crafted persona; as cracked as it may be at the moment, it holds back the onslaught of personal fallout she’s sure waits for her at home. Sure her apartment is warmer and cozier than the office ever is. Her bed is far more comfortable than any desk chair. But, at home, she has nothing to distract her. At home, she has no obligation to maintain a facade sewn up by professional self-preservation. At home, she’ll be alone without the steady presence of Aaron Hotchner working away in his office. 

The room is bathed in warm lamplight, a comfortable difference from the overhead fluorescents down in the bullpen. Something like a moth, she’s drawn to it by an instinct stronger than her willpower. She knocks on the door frame before leaning into the room. “I finished my report,” she tells him when he looks up. “You didn’t have to finish that tonight,” he tells her with furrowed brows. He sets down his pen and shuts the file he was working on to give her his attention. She steps into the room, setting her report on the edge of his desk. “I didn’t want to go home yet”. She explains though she gets the feeling that he understands. If there’s anyone she knows with a mutual streak of using workplace responsibility to avoid personal turmoil, it’s Hotch. Still, he nods, validating her most simply. “Is there anything I can do?” 

“Are you asking as my boss or something more?” she wonders. 

“Would it make a difference?” He asks. “Yes,” She responds. Sweets watches as he swallows, his brows knitting together as he considers his answer carefully, “I’m asking as someone who cares about you very much, in whatever capacity you need me to right now”. It’s a diplomatic response. Gentle and inviting without being outright hopeful. Quintessentially Aaron Hotchner. 

“Will you come home with me,” Sweets allows herself to be bold enough to ask. 

“Yes,” he tells her simply. 

In the morning he slips away only to return with two cups of coffee and a box of breakfast pastries. They don’t need to be in the office until 10:00 and he plans on taking advantage of the time they have together until then. Sweets accepts the cup he holds out to her with an eager smile, and a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

[misc-obeyme]

Lesson 37 spoilers below - it's screenshot heavy again because OH BOY we had a lot going on this time too. I took almost 100 screenshots lol. But don't worry, I narrowed it down... uh but there are still a lot so I apologize for that.

I do believe I said in my last post that if they were going to go full Dante, they would bury Lucifer in ice.

I only said that because I WAS NOT EXPECTING THEM TO GO FULL DANTE.

Now listen, it's been a long time since I've read the Divine Comedy, so there may be a lot more references that I am missing. I can tell you that the four circles or sections or whatever that Simeon named for us are from Dante. That right there is straight from Dante's Inferno, along with their names and who they're supposed to punish. I don't really feel like any of this has much relevance except that they used it as a backdrop and to create reasons for us to lose most of the people who came to help us as we went.

And truly the lore was fascinating in general, but there are a couple of specific pieces about this that made me go EXCUSE YOU.

It's the Celestial Realm again, guys. Cocytus is part of their domain. And the last area is for those who betrayed "him" as they so eloquently put it lol. Both Mammon and Lucifer are considered traitors in this regard, but I kind of suspect that if the rest of the bros made it to that level, they would've had a similar experience.

Anyway, I was pissed. I was like Diavolo in the hard lesson.

Right, so let's talk Mephistopheles. I'm not familiar enough with the legend of Faust or its variations to know if the way they described his special power is based on that. However, I highly suspect it is at least somewhat inspired by it. Considering making a deal with the devil is what that story is all about.

But aside from all that - I LOVE HIM OH NO.

WHAT. This guy... all this time I thought he was really stuck up. And like I kinda get it, considering how he was supposed to be Diavolo's right hand man and everything. But he's straight up saying that he underestimated them. He seems to have no problem saying yeah, turns out I was wrong and you guys impressed me. So don't go around giving up now. AND he says they learned it from Lucifer? Like... he gets them. He understands them. And I was not expecting that at all. He keeps surprising me and I'm loving it.

Welcome to my life, Mephi.

It's pointless to resist.

I'm telling you, this is just how it always goes.

BUT OH! I'm not gonna lie, this made me feel something. All the brothers usually say such nice things to me, but this guy is basically like ARE YOU STUPID? And I love it?!?!? Augh I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance before, sir.

Okay, now let's talk Solomon being the hot old grandpa that he is. I SWEAR every time he shows up lately it's been making me more insane about him.

WE SUMMONED HIM. We needed him in Cocytus and he wasn't there, so we straight up SUMMONED HIM. We couldn't do it without Mammon giving us his power 'cause our magic is weak, but STILL!?!?

I think Simeon referred to it as teleporting, but really it was the same as summoning him. I think the words were even the summoning spell words.

If this was actually me we were talking about, I would start doing it ALL THE TIME. Consider yourself on call, old man.

And then we got this excellent exchange:

Not only am I always here for big bro Mammon getting protective, but Solomon bringing it right back was also great.

Okay, now let's talk about Raphael and Simeon.

Do you think we're dealing with Michael disguised as Raphael again? For some reason I don't think so, but... at this point, it's like how do you tell? I'm going to talk about it with the assumption that it's actually Raphael and not Michael.

Simeon during this part gave me chills. Because when Raphael showed up and spoke the punishment or whatever and Luke was about to protest, Simeon silenced him. Simeon wouldn't let Luke protest because he knew that wouldn't be good for our baby boy. Simeon was prepared to take the fall instead. And he wasn't about to just let things stand.

I can't accept it. I swear, Simeon's character is far more complex than anyone gives him credit for. He doesn't get anywhere near the amount of appreciation he deserves. I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT.

Right, but back to Raphael.

Baby. He's crying. He was just delivering the ultimatum, the decision about the brothers' punishment, and he was crying. I was so surprised, it was so soft and sad and I wanted to hug him. And look at Simeon's frown. AND THEN

EVEN LUCIFER. This man is chained up in some ice and he still sees how Raphael is struggling and feels sorry for him. (Like maybe he's been there before himself...)

This is why I think it really is Raphael. Because this feels like such a significant revelation of his character, I think it'd be a disservice to him if we found out later it wasn't him at all. So I'm hoping it's still him.

Now. Let's talk about Diavolo. I'm pretty sure this was in the hard lesson, so be aware of that!

He is so pissed. I don't think I've ever seen Diavolo quite like this. Worried, sometimes serious, but angry? Like to the point where he thinks he might lose control? I don't think that's happened, has it?

AND BARB. His reaction is so interesting! At first he has this look of surprise, but then LOOK AT THAT SMILE. Here's Dia being like, I need you to stop me, but you can't tell me that smile on Barb's face belongs to anyone who's going to stop anyone. He looks like he's looking forward to it. I love him so much it's stupid. (Also I think Barbatos is just as much of a menace as Solomon is, he's just better at hiding it. Where do you think Sol gets it from??)

And of course the lesson ended with Lucifer BREAKING THROUGH HIS CHAINS. Ugh another cliffhanger.

In general, I really loved the brotherly affection that was running amok in this chapter. They were annoying each other and protecting each other and sacrificing for each other and it was all amazing. They banded together because they care so much about Lucifer, there's no way they would leave him to his fate.

And once again, the Celestial Realm is to blame. I think it makes sense that they're doing this. Before, they said that the seven brothers assuming positions of power in the Devildom meant that the power balance between the Devildom and the Celestial Realm was out of whack. That's why they wanted the brothers back. But the brothers wouldn't come back.

And while the Celestial Realm threatened war, they didn't do that, either.

Do you think perhaps the Celestial Realm collaborated with the House of Lords to get Lucifer trapped in Cocytus? The House of Lords controlled the train where everything went down. The Celestial Realm controls Cocytus. They probably knew that Lucifer's brothers would try to rescue him and counted on them getting trapped in the ice, too.

But perhaps they weren't expecting any interference from Mephisto or Simeon. They had to be expecting MC, I would think. Maybe they underestimated MC because they're human? And maybe they thought Diavolo would just accept it? (If so they are duuuuumb lol.)

Okay just a couple more screenshots because they made me laugh.

PLEASE. I love their dynamic SO MUCH.

Hmm. Is that a threat, Barb? 'Cause uh... you can casually threaten me with that slight smile any time I MEAN yeah, you tell 'em.

I cackled about what do you mean "ahaha" like I can't believe Levi actually said that out loud lol.

Cheer up, Belphie. Let Asmo live the otome dream, won't you?

Okay, okay, I'm done. Overall, I quite enjoyed this chapter, but I'm still sensing more drama, probably until the end of the season, honestly.

You think Nightbringer will make an appearance before it's over? It's almost like I forgot this whole new app was made to tell a story about him. He's just been mostly MIA. UNLESS someone else has been him in disguise all along...

Nope. No. I refuse to get into theorizing, this post is already too long.

[lineffability]

some thoughts on Aziraphale, the Metatron and performances

i do think we're maybe all underestimating aziraphale just a bit when it comes to the whole 'happy in heaven, let's go and do good' spiel. i DO think he believes in some fundamental goodness in heaven despite all their obvious, glaring moral failings and problems, and i DO believe he wants crowley with him more than anything (and, misguidedly, that a part of crowley would want to go back)

BUT i also think that there is a lot more going on underneath the surface. he might wear his heart on his sleeve most of the time but we have seen that when it counts he can be really really good at magic tricks (makes that flashback all the more relevant, too), at repressing his true feelings, at building walls around himself and hiding behind a facade of smiles and optimism.

the Metatron might not be the only one performing; him and Aziraphale are certainly both on edge. think of the coffee scene, az being overwhelmed and reluctant, he is not necessarily buying the Nice Old Man act--but he is not sure about it being fake, either. maybe the metatron is nice, he can't tell, he is overwhelmed and accepts the coffee. he wants to believe that this Very High Being, the voice of god, is good. if he isn't--what then? his beliefs have been crumbling around him already, and he is scared. and then meta removes him from the bookshop, from crowley, and they talk.

Az is extremely flustered when he tries to tell crowley about the metatron's offer, a bit too much--coupled with off-the-charts-nervosity and the glimpses of Expressions of Dread on his face when he turns away from Metatrash before he goes back into the bookshop to talk to crowley, i'm starting to be quite sure that the very obvious threat lingering underneath metatron's words did not go unnoticed at all; he saw the nice kind old man smile but he heard him saying "i've gone back over your exploits", i know exactly what you've been doing these millenia, you can fool the archangels but you can't fool me, i have access to Time/History/Reality in a different way. i know everything you did. and then the threat about not allowing the two of them to work togther anymore in the future, if he stays on earth. i think aziraphale knows right then and there that he has no choice at all. (this is why he so desperately wants crowley to come with him, because he can't stay) (i do believe that he truly thinks, though, that they would let crowley back into heaven-- which i think was a total ruse, a complete lie based on the knowledge that crowley would not accept the offer)

and he knows that metatron is just outside the bookshop, waiting. now don't get me wrong, i'm not saying he acted the whole thing, the conversation he and crowley had was very real, because az was counting on crowley to come with him--because if one thing has been true over all these milennia, it's that crowley always caves in. no matter what, he comes back, he apologizes, he refuses first and accepts finally, he stays by his side, he would never leave aziraphale. right?

in this moment az needs to believe two things: 1 crowley will come with him and 2 he can do Good in heaven, they can change things together. and this is not only naiveté (though to some extent it surely is) but calculation, as well. i can't get out of this. my only choice is to rejoin heaven and play along. maybe if i'm there, if i have a seat at the divine table and can learn about heaven's plans, maybe i can thwart them, if need be. i do think az is not going in blindly, i do think he knows to some extent what awaits him, but he also truly believes that maybe he can alter things, in some way (he could, surely, with crowley. crowley always has the best ideas. i need you. )

but when crowley refuses he can't tell him there is something bad going on. i need to do this, even if i dont want to. they are not alone. he can only say i need you with me. please. but crowley is in too much pain, he feels betrayed, because he did not hear come with me but to heaven, and the shock of it runs deep

so az IS also heartbrken and angry and betrayed. and then, after the Revelation, in shock. the journey on his face was longer than the ride up to heaven jfc. and then it settles on a smile that does not reach his eyes. oh, he's really in it now. he contains multitudes and paradoxes aghhhh but yeah tl;dr aziraphale loves to be a happy trusting ray of sunshine because he chooses to be, but he is not stupid. he's doing the best he can.

there will be a second coming not only for jesus 2.0 but for his and crowley's relationship as well!! let's believe in him!!! im disinegrating i need to stop now

[snek-eyes]

Hi Vee! 🤗 I hope you had a wonderful few days! I'm back with more meta questions 🤭 I hope that's okay, if not, just ignore me pls 😅 I've seen some people say Aziraphale isn't empathetic, some say Crowley isn't empathetic, but I think both of them have a LOT of empathy. They just show it very differently, and I think the perfect example is the Edinburgh minisode. Azi is caught in his Heavenly indoctrination a lot of times, like when he thinks body snatching is bad before actually thinking about it in a more complex matter instead of just black and white and as soon as ge does, he's suddenly all in favour of it and what made him change his mind is his empathy. With Crowley, he seems very cool and suave on the surface but he always acts and helps and protects, like with Elspeth; he didn't just save her from suic*de but he actively changed her situation as much as he could (he couldn't bring Wee Morag back for her because it wasn't in his power so he chose the next best thing he could change which was her poverty) to give her a reason to live, too. Or when he talks to Job and Sitis - you wrote an amazing meta about that already but I think the gist of it was that he sees the big picture which is that he needs to find the kids in order to save them and knows he will save them and that they'll all be fine. I think they both possess a great deal of empathy but express it in different ways which I think actually mirror their love languages: Crowley acts on his empathy, he does what he can to help people but isn't vocal about it, and Azi is vocal about it but he sometimes needs a nudge from Crowley to see the big, complex picture for that. Whats's your view on the matter? I'd love to hear your thoughts! 😁🤍

- 💫

Aziraphale (and Crowley) vs Empathy

Hey there! This was really interesting to think about!

So from my understanding (and if you're someone that has a better one, please feel free to chime in!), empathy is the ability to understand someone else's emotions, whether intellectually or by sympathetically feeling them yourself. But lacking empathy doesn't necessarily mean that you can't care about people, it just means that you don't exactly understand their emotions.

I'm saying this because after thinking about it, I actually don't think Aziraphale is very empathetic. Despite the fact that he does care a whole lot! Aziraphale is a protector, from Adam & Eve to Job's kids to that one nameless child Dalrymple couldn't save to Wee Morag, etc etc, we see him acting against what he Should be doing because he cares so damn much. But it seems to be because he has a strong moral code and believes that the alternative to acting is an injustice, more than he is putting himself in anyone's shoes and thinking about how they might be feeling. It's the difference between "I care that this sad thing is happening to you" and "I care because I can tell you are sad."

Like in the Edinburgh flashback, when he realizes what happened to the child, he's devastated because it's a tragedy that a child died, horrifically, and that all that's left of them on this earth can be contained in a bottle. His previous moral rule that digging up bodies is a sin because it's just wrong is overwritten because he's been shown an actual tangible consequence.

It would explain a lot about the number of times, especially in s2, when he either does not recognize how upset Crowley is, or if he does, he doesn't get why or take it seriously.

Saying things like "Still a demon?" or "I haven't seen you since, the flood?" without realizing why Crowley might find those upsetting and not friendly banter material.

While he doesn't seem to pick up on Crowley's bad mood in Uz, by Rome it seems like he has learned to at least see it, if not understand it. Regardless, he's still making a go at cheering Crowley up.

Aziraphale doesn't get why changing the Bentley is personally upsetting to Crowley, until Crowley connects it to something equally relevant for Aziraphale: Selling his books.

This also made something click for me wrt his scene with Maggie when she suddenly starts crying about striking out with Nina. He is completely at a loss as to why all these details are upsetting her, right up until she mentions being in love. He understands love, aww! But, crucially, his initial reaction is more "Oh, being in love is wonderful!" than "Oh, I see that must be hard for you." And he responds by wanting to solve her problem, he doesn't get that she's probably just looking for advice from an older queer to help her feel better about it, more than an actual solution.

The scene that kicks off the modern day where Maggie is upset about not being able to pay her rent. Aziraphale doesn't really engage with the fact that she's breaking down in front of him, he's doing whatever he can to placate her so he can just leave with his records.

Alright, let's get to the final fifteen because this would explain something that's always caught me. During Crowley's confession, Aziraphale looks SO confused as to why Crowley is getting upset. Aziraphale is coming at this from what he sees as a logical perspective, and Crowley is making an emotional plea. Aziraphale straight up does not understand how the two halves of this argument are connected.

When Crowley says he understands better than Aziraphale, it's like he's saying he has the intellectual high ground, and that's why Aziraphale decides they've reached an impasse.

Again, this isn't a knock on Aziraphale at all, it's just how he sees the world.

Meanwhile Crowley... I'm honestly not sure how to read Crowley on this.

He'll either project his own trauma onto other people or possibly recognize shades of it in their circumstances at the drop of a hat (the goats, the plants, lonely Muriel in heaven, the scene in S1 when he's hanging off his throne and goes from lamenting about how his fall was unfair right into to calling out God because testing the humans to destruction is unfair)

He is pretty good at knowing how people are going to react when he does his demonic mischief, although that might just be a logical extrapolation from experience.

On the other hand, he seems very confused when people go against his expectations (Jane Austen, Maggie and Nina not wanting help).

He seems to have a good handle on how Aziraphale feels in most situations, although Aziraphale's need to protect people is a huge blind spot he does not understand. So maybe that's just years and years of studying him and trying to understand. "Just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing," after all.

While he understands Elspeth's circumstances, he's not exactly, comforting? to her? When Morag is like "tell me that's not what I think it is" he immediately throws her under the bus in favor of chaos ("8D oh it most certainly is"). And when Aziraphale melts the body, he doesn't even look at Elspeth who's freaking out, his eyes are entirely on Aziraphale.

What do other people think?

[nephriteknight]

Highlights From My Bells Hells Playlist

So I have a Bells Hells playlist that has some really perfect songs if I do say so myself, and I want to talk about my choices! So here's some of my favorites. (Here is the full playlist btw, with songs ranging from word-for-word-perfect to Just The Right Vibes Idk Man)

Rule #2 - Moonlight by Fish in A Birdcage For Orym :) About a person on the moon singing to their lover on Earth. "All I want is to come home to you." Is this song about Will or about Dorian? I think it's even better because it works for both. There are lines that are for Will and lines that are for Dorian and it's all mixed up and full of longing and in light of recent confessions? Just perfectly heartbreaking. "Finally broke down / Houston, please come in / There's someone that I need to talk to / Honey, how've you been? / I miss you, my dear / There's something that I have to say" "It's good to hear your voice / I'll tell you what the world looks like from up here / there's hurricanes / and blizzards too / please stay safe and warm 'til I get to you"

Control by Halsey For Laudna. This one is very straightforward. "And all the kids cried out please stop you're scaring me / I can't help this awful energy / Goddamn right you should be scared of me / Who is in control?" The rest works pretty well too, there's more lines that feel Very Delilah, it just works.

Allies or Enemies by The Crane Wives For the whole party! I happened to get into this song right when the whole "powder keg" conversation happened, and it's only gotten more relevant. "Are we allies or enemies? This will be the death of me." It's great it's perfect it's them. "What happens now? / Do we have another go / Do we bow out / And take our seperate roads / I'll admit I've had my doubts / But I want to be let in not out" "Remember when I could tell you not to smile when you were mad / And you would always crack / And we'd both be laughing in the end? / Now you're not so quick to forget"

Moving in Place by Shauna Dean Cokeland This song is so Ashton. It's about using drugs as a teenager and feeling stagnated, blaming things on other people, drowning in daydreams where you're awesome, spending time with a group of friends you really care about.... It works quite well. (I also really recommend this song if you have ADHD/use music to stim, it's got really great overlapping vocals and kinda scratchy sound--this is the song I put on when my brain is eating itself and no other music can get through to it. It's great.) "Take me to the far side of the beach / Before it falls into the ocean / Before you notice I'm eroding / I know you don't wanna be lonely / I know 'cause I would feel the same thing" I'm having trouble picking out specific quotes because they're all really wordy and long, but trust me it works and it's a great song.

Soap by The Oh Hellos Ashton! I especially like this for Ashton and Orym (platonic or romantic both are good) but it also works for Ashton and the Hells—and once again, this song hits even harder after the shard incident. As far as picking specific lines I just want to quote like the whole song, but I'll exercise some restraint. "I've heard since I was younger / That oil and water don't mix / They're polar opposites / With a molecular rift you can't fix / But I swear with all your burnt bridges / You can leech what's caustic and find / A rudimentary lye / Some kind of miraculous bind" "Oh, no / I think I'm not quite ready / To let you circle the drain / All the things we've broken / Can be puzzled together again / All your sums and your pieces / Are enough to clean up all / The messes you've made" "I think that you're worth keeping around. I think that you're worth holding onto." "I've heard if I were tougher / Then maybe I'd make it alive / I've got a tender side / I'll need a harder shell to survive / But if seeing is believing / I don't know I've seen a thing grow / Without an open coat / Not without a softness showing / I know maybe you're not quite ready / To loosen your hold / On the safety blanket you've been keeping around your shoulders / But your sums and your pieces / Are enough to make you whole / You gotta let go" "It's gonna hurt like hell / but we're gonna be well / I'll give you my best shot" Oops I basically just quoted the whole song. But look how perfect it is!!

The Leaving of Liverpool (folk song; I like this version by The High Kings) This one's for Dorian! Specifically, for Dorian leaving :( It's an old folk song about going away from home and leaving your love behind. It's not as character specific or detail heavy, but it just feels so right for Dorian having to leaving Orym and Fearne in Jrusar. "So fare thee well my own true love, and when I return united we will be. It's not the leaving of Liverpool that grieves me, but my darling, when I think of thee." My mom and I go to a Celtic Christmas concert every year, and one of the last songs is always this one. Everybody knows it, and they invite us all to join in the chorus. It's a beautiful moment, and I'm so grateful to Brian O'Donovan, the host, who passed away this year. He brought so much joy and gave so many people a piece of their home to enjoy here. He will be missed.

Canary in a Coal Mine by The Crane Wives If the title didn't clue you in, this one's for FCG! It's not just because of the mine, though, it all works really well. This song is about the 'canary', who puts so much into a relationship, doing everything to keep their partner happy and support them, but fears that when they need help themself their partner will abandon them. "Feed me promises, keep my heart well / I'll sing you songs until the darkness does recede / But if in the end I lose my voice / Will you forget about your love for me?" "Let the dirt hang heavy in your chest / Drag me deeper down the long, dark ground / Know that all my love will your breath / I will save you when your lights go out"

Bonus: A Convocation of Fauns (A Faunvocation If You Will) by the Oh Hellos Fearne. The title says it all. (It's just instrumental lol)

[onehundredandeleventropicalfish]

First, I love reading your analyses of the Sandman comics.

Destruction never gave me younger sibling vibes, so it was really interesting to see the post where Dream is big brother to Destruction. Do you remember any other instances?

i think that's pretty much it, for moments of dream being a comforting older brother, which is why that scene is such an interesting twist for me!

and also in that scene, like. he's not even really being comforting, because the panel specifically draws attention to his hesitation. he and destruction don't do this, they're two brothers close in age, comfort has never really been their thing (and then corinthian shows up to cause problems before he gets to change that)

but dream is trying. and i include the panel above bc there's an interesting through line of dialogues between the endless about their purpose

because like. i've said it before, i'll say it again, the endless are, in general, not okay. the kind of responsibilities they have, the things they're made of and were created for, i don't think you can put what still is a fairly human mind in the middle of that and not have it break in some way

so the entire endless family dynamic is just seven people doing their best to cope with their overwhelming existence in the only ways they can, which rarely work for any of the others, and they're all helping and hurting each other at once every time they talk about it but all of them, even desire, care so much about each other, and it's this huge mess that i find really interesting

death's coping mechanism is to be more human, and to rely on humanity. to remind herself she's not alone and there's always something new to discover. she finds her purpose in being the one who can help, she shares the responsibility, and she lets herself take the occasional day off

so when dream's struggling she tries to get him to see things her way, to engage more with humanity on their terms, to see the world beyond just what he knows of it, and to try and live, not just exist

which has minimal effect because dream's coping mechanism is to detach himself from the concept of life entirely. he tried, when he was young, to both have a life and be dream if the endless, and things kept blowing up in his face. whether or not he actually had to choose is up for debate, but as far as dream's concerned, a choice had to be made there, and he chose his duty over what he wanted, because that's what he was created to do. and he doesn't think about the things he could have had if he wasn't who he was, because that'll just cause pain, this is his purpose and what he was made for and he will serve it with everything he has

(though his never ending series of romantic disasters are the last vestige of that war inside him, the part of him that wants a life reaching out and the rest of him pulling away, and no one wins)

so then we get destruction. and dream can see destruction's struggling with the idea that endless don't change, they're the only things in the universe that don't. and that's grating on him in a huge way. for dream, this is an easy thing to accept, because if he doesn't change he doesn't have to worry about things going wrong or failing in his duty, he always is and always will be, for as long as he is needed. and dream reminds destruction that he's felt like this before, it will pass. everything will return to as it was. but destruction needs that change, needs to believe the endless can change, so dream's advice can't help

and then the end of brief lives where destruction gets to be the one giving advice back, because now 300 years later it's dream struggling again, and destruction thinks he has the answer (though again, it doesn't help, because destruction chose himself over his duty. and dream can't do that)

(there's also the end of doll's house, which i wouldn't call dream trying to help, exactly, but is still relevant here - desire's coping mechanism is to lie to themselves, push everything that bothers them to the back of their mind where they never have to think about it. they've constructed a neat little world in their head where they're always in control of everything and nothing bad will ever happen, and deep down they know that's a lie, but every time they remember it they immediately do their best to forget. which dream just crashes through by telling desire the endless exist to serve humanity, not the other way round, and that doesn't compute with the fake "i am in charge of everything and everyone bows to me" world in desire's head. and they have a moment of almost coming to terms with this, before they just snap back to "i really got under his skin this time", and it's already forgotten)

(destiny is another interesting older sibling, because he also gives a lot of advice in this vein, but unlike the others he always knows it won't be followed)

which is a really long winded way of saying between brief lives and destruction comforting daniel in the wake (the only times we see them talk), dream's been on the receiving end of the older sibling-ing two out of three times

but to get back to your question, there's one more in terms of dream having more maturity than destruction

which is when they're talking about orpheus

because it was destruction who found him after eurydice's funeral, who encouraged him to make the underworld journey, after dream had specifically told orpheus not to

and dream is still less than happy at destruction going behind his back on that, because dream was right, orpheus making that journey led to nothing but tragedy

destruction tries to defend himself with "it was what he wanted" and dream snaps back with "he was a child, he didn't know what he wanted."

(and god that quote kills me, like. you knew when your son was born his life would be far shorter than yours, but this is nothing, he got so little time to live and despite your best efforts you couldn't stop him walking to his death. he was a child.)

and i think that's the other moment you can tell dream is older. dream's not seeking vengeance on this one, which he would have done were it anyone else. but destruction caused this tragedy because he didn't know better, he never did do well with seeing the long term consequences, it's not in his nature. he's your little brother and he was trying to help. but what do you do with that?

[vickyvicarious]

Okay, so during the talk about psychopomp!Jonathan the other day, I got this ask which mentioned Arthur as Charon taking Jonathan down the river Styx, and I told @treeaspen that I'd share my thoughts on that further in another post. So... here it is. Fair warning, this isn't exactly a coherent meta, more just some scattered thoughts pulled from my quite rusty greco-roman mythology knowledge. I still find it interesting to think about, though (and as always, welcome thoughts or corrections from people who know more mythology).

I had been reminded of the river Styx before, and mentioned it a little in my collection of shared traits between Dracula and Jonathan, namely the "return to hell" section. Here's the relevant bit:

Taking a river to hell - of course you’ll think of Styx (though Hades as a whole is not actually a direct parallel to a Christian Hell, it still encompasses the 'bad afterlife’ so to speak). But Jonathan and Arthur’s boating accident forced them off the river early, which is actually a good thing in this metaphor, because the further down the river Styx you travel, the worse your punishment will be in the afterlife. So in that sense, them being forced to stop traveling down the river in a boat is akin to saying that though they follow Dracula back to (metaphorical) hell, they aren’t going as far in/won’t be permanently damned the same way.

However, Styx isn't the only river in/to the underworld, nor is it the only one with which Charon is associated. In a lot of accounts, that's actually the Acheron, sometimes called "the river of woe". This connection is interesting to me as well because Acheron was in some stories a son of Demeter, making another connection to Dracula traveling on the ship Demeter to get to England. If we see him as coming out of the underworld, so to speak, then him ravaging and destroying all life aboard the Demeter takes on an interesting possible symbology. Similarly, Dracula arrived in Whitby on August 8, and fled the country on October 4, meaning he stayed for only about 3 months. This doesn't completely line up (if you only include his time in England, it's too short, but if you count the whole trip, it's too long), but it did remind me of the story of Demeter and Persephone, and how she (at least in the Edith Hamilton version) had to stay in the underworld for a third of the year, or about 4 months. It's kind of like Dracula ascends from the world of death (his castle specifically) to bring the underworld or hell out to the rest of the world, in a reversal of what happened to Persephone. (I know I've also seen another interesting interpretation of the significance of the Demeter, which I believe goes in a different direction, but I can't find it right now.)

Anyway, going back to the Acheron... Calling it "the river of woe" makes me think about how Jonathan and Arthur are both in mourning. Jonathan is mourning his father and trying to postpone/overturn the loss of his wife, while Arthur has already lost both (and never even got to his wedding, in fact). They've actually got a fair few parallels between them, from when they were both the ones to think they saw Dracula in Carfax during the first investigation there, to the sudden responsibilities both have recently inherited accompanied with great loss. But rather than succumbing to their woe, they are a comfort to one another. Jonathan, less directly (that was more Mina), but his account jumpstarted the proper vampire hunt, bringing some form of closure at least. Arthur is being directly very supportive and kind to Jonathan during their trip up the river, especially making him get some sleep.

Arthur as Charon is also an interesting idea. Because Arthur is the one supplying the money for most of this trip, and specifically this portion of it. However, he's also the 'boatman' of the equation. He buys/owns the steamboat they're using. He's the one who knows how to use it and at least somewhat to repair it when his lack of understanding of the local terrain leads them to crash. So, in that sense he's definitely the one "ferrying" Jonathan. However, his personality and description isn't like Charon at all, with one exception - sometimes he's associated with/wields a large hammer. Perhaps you could match that to Arthur's hammer staking Lucy as him escorting her back to her proper place in the afterlife/underworld, rather than the perversion of death that vampires are when 'unliving'. However, the rest of Charon's typical description sounds a lot more like Jonathan at that point in the story. He's often described as an gaunt old man/demon with flaming eyes, ragged beard and clothes. At various points during his flight from Dracula and his hunt of Dracula, Jonathan definitely matches that description more. Also, Jonathan is the one who knows the way to the underworld, who has been there before and can guide newcomers there. Altogether, Jonathan and Arthur both fill Charon's role.

Finally, one of the most famous stories involving a trip to the underworld is that of Orpheus trying to rescue Eurydice. Even though that story doesn't usually emphasize the river at all, Arthur and Jonathan both could be seen as partially relating to different aspects of the myth. Both their wives (or wife-to-be) were lost to death, fairly close to the wedding. Of course, Mina's not completely lost, hence the whole hunt, but it seems inevitable if Dracula isn't defeated. Arthur doesn't realize how fully he's lost Lucy until the first time he sees her after death, on a trip to a land of death (the graveyard). Of course, then he does nearly the opposite of Orpheus, when the final time he sees her is comforting; her peaceful expression after the staking is complete being taken as reassurance that they've saved her soul. Meanwhile, Jonathan refuses to give up on his love, just like Orpheus, and willingly returns to his own hell in order to save her. He's actually already been on a sort of katabasis (journey of a living person into/out of the underworld) in the first part of the book. That journey gives him the full context of the horrors he will be facing, but he braves them regardless for Mina. His journey is more successful... and due to the way they separate just before the river, Jonathan does not actually see Mina again until after Dracula has been killed. In this sense, he separated from his marked-by-death wife before going up the river Acheron/Styx (entering Dracula's domain/the underworld), and only sees her after defeating him (and thus exiting the underworld). All the while, he had no knowledge of her condition or exact whereabouts. Meanwhile Mina had a link to Jonathan, knowing how to follow where he had been on his first visit to the castle and later sensing his approach and being able to find him. She also literally saw him during his act of saving her/the final attack, via looking through Van Helsing's spyglasses. So Jonathan and Mina actually have some pretty interesting parallels to a successful Orpheus and Eurydice story as well.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I can't believe that my dedication to collecting any bits of connection between John Oliver and British comedy have somehow, until today, missed the fact that he did RHLSTP in 2021. I listened to it for the first time today and enjoyed it.

First of all, I have to address this, because I consider myself a pretty thorough historian of John Oliver's pre-America work, and I have absolutely never heard of this thing that John claimed was at some point broadcast:

Whatever the hell they're talking about (weird panel thing where apparently Richard Herring drew rude things while he was supposed to be working like Jamie MacDonald on The Thick of It), which John Oliver claims has been broadcast, it's definitely not on IMDB. I've done a fair bit of Googling in the last hour, and became convinced that this is a dream John Oliver and Richard Herring have both had, given that in all my extensive archaeology of John Oliver's British career, I have never, ever heard of this. (I enjoyed the talking shit about Mark Dolan, though.)

Then I realized: actually, I think I have. Because I have once before found myself looking at John Oliver's IMDB page for a Channel 4 thing from the correct time, and been surprised to find nothing there. That would be when I first heard the radio show Daniel Kitson's Listening Club, and Kitson got my hopes up in one episode by saying he'd have his friend John on the following week, but then the next week said John had to miss it to film some Channel 4 thing. This surprised me, because those radio episodes were from February 2006, and there is nothing on John Oliver's IMDB page from 2006 besides Mock the Week. And nothing British from 2007, so it's not like he could have filmed it in February and then they just took a year to put it out.

I've just gone back to find that again and cut out the relevant clips:

(Please note: You do have to ignore a very 2006 use of the word "gay" during this clip, which I justify based on the fact that Kitson did like saying that ironically back then, which isn't good, but I was in high school in 2006 and given the million times a day I heard it said unironically, by 2006 standards, if you were putting some irony in your "gay" slur usage then you were doing better than most people. My general view on Kitson's former penchant for ironic bigotry is you cannot hold people to everything they said in 2006.)

That tracks. Daniel Kitson described a show for More4 that John Oliver did not like. So it did really happen. But Google yields nothing, checking various combinations of "John Oliver Richard Herring Andy Zaltzman Mark Dolan More4". Adding "2006" to that search doesn't do anything except let me know that in that year, all three of those men were nominated for multiple awards (Richard Herring: Worst Radio Personality, Mark Dolan: Worst Podcast, John Oliver: Worst Stand-Up) for terrible comedy by an extremely judgmental message board (that now has much nicer people on it, really, you can't hold a comedy forum to everything it said in 2006). I tried throwing in Andy's name as it sounds like he was there too, it didn't help. I'd love to know what this was. It sounds terrible and I want to watch it.

Anyway, the rest of the RHLSTP was good. There was some chat about times they've worked with Pythons, mainly focusing on the nice ones (Palin and Jones), that I enjoyed. Some re-hashing of stories I've heard before but always enjoy hearing again, about old Edinburgh previews that went very badly and John pulled out the story of that time he had a 100% walkout at one. I once again heard John Oliver tell the story of how he ended up on The Daily Show, and like always, the story is basically "I don't know someone just called me", making me wonder how he could have gone all those years and not asked Jon Stewart how it happened. I noticed that this time he didn't add the detail he usually adds, with is that he's heard a recommendation from Ricky Gervais was involved. Not sure if it just happened to not come up, or if by 2021 he didn't really want to keep making that association.

And there was some stuff near the end that I found really interesting, about The Mash Report's cancellation and how tricky it is to get away with political comedy on major networks, particularly the BBC with its balance rule, and how lucky John feels to have the independence he's granted by HBO. This went along with some broader discussion of how John Oliver gets away with and/or enjoys taking stupid risks and getting in trouble for comedy, which also ground I've heard covered before but always like to hear about. Some veneration of Dan Harmon that I could live without, though my roommate and I did re-watch the first few episodes of Community the other night and it reminded me of how much I love that show.

Oh, and they discuss some of the terrible movies John's done. He even briefly defends The Love Guru, which I have never heard him do before (not the whole movie, just claims there are a couple of funny bits, which is a small change from the outright disowning it that he has rightfully done every other time I've heard him discuss it). And, for the first time that I've heard, gave a bit of an explanation of why he did that terrible movie, which was basically that there was a writer's strike on and he needed work especially with his precarious immigration status, and he liked Mike Myers and didn't know it would be terrible. Fair enough.

They also discussed The Smurfs, they gave me a companion clip to go with this clip from The Bugle, the Bugle clip that I have often described as the absolute cutest shit I've ever heard:

(Separately from it being so adorable, this clip also contains Andy Zaltmzan using one of his favourite nicknames for John Oliver, "The Hostess with the Mostess", which I remain convinced was the inspiration for the "Hostus Mostus" title card on Last Week Tonight.)

They gave me a companion clip to the most adorable podcast clip in the world! From almost exactly 11 years later, he confirms that the story told in the above clip is true:

...Awwwww. Awww. Aw you really did mean it. You guys. You guys out there getting 100% walkouts on Edinburgh previews and nominations for the worst comedy in Britain by some people in 2006 on a comedy message board for people who hated all comedians besides Chris Morris. You remembered, even 11 years later. You guys are the best.

Richard Herring: You seem to be the same person as you were ten years ago. I’ve seen a lot of people go to Hollywood and… John Oliver: I haven’t gone to Hollywood! Richard Herring: …or to America, or become very successful, and change quite a lot. Do you still feel like you’re the same John Oliver who died at all those gigs? John Oliver: I think so. I still fundamentally identify more with failure than success.

[winterlogysblog]

FOUR KNIGHTS OF THE APOCALYPSE THOUGHTS

I've been relatively silent for far too long and as compensation, let me share the things that have been occupying my head for the longest time.

"Knights" of the Apocalypse

I've posted my wishful thinking of the four knights possibly having their own squads before. It's cool to think that each of the four knights would be the Captains of their own title. Like, Knights of War, Knights of Death (sounds the coolest tbh), Knights of Pestilence, Knights of Famine. I still think that this is extremely unlikely because if this were to happen Nakaba would have to focus on so many people but it still sounds really cool.

Narrative-wise, we already have the Percival Platoon and the Tristan Platoon, and in my good honest opinion. The Percival Platoon has a higher chance to be relevant later on. Each Platoon has four members, including Percival and Tristan (we are not counting Lance in this) but Jade died, and we already got Chion's backstory (Nakaba can kill him off by making him save someone that is not Tristan) Isolde being the potential love interest for Tristan (and Gawain hihihi) is the only thing that is keeping her around. With the Percival Platoon, however, Anne is the potential love interest of Percival and her mom has a history with Arthur since she was once a Knight of Camelot, Nasiens is still a mystery and Donny still needs some hours on the oven for character development. My point is Percival and his Knights of Death (in my head) are complete and packed.

What about Tristan then? Tristan's platoon could possibly stay with him and the narrative. However, Thetis can be put into play here. Thetis is Derieri's reincarnation and she remembers everything, Thetis was once a demon and her story with Monspiet ended tragically and the girl needs a happy ending, so... Who is to say that Monspiet didn't also reincarnate (that would be a cool plot for Thetis). Then, we have Zeldris and Gelda, and I know them having a kid isn't mentioned in any way shape or form but I want them to have one (this is slowly turning into an AU). So, with that in mind, Tristan's new squad should consist of Isolde, Chion, Thetis, Monspiet reincarnation and Zel and Gelda's kid. Did you spot a theme here, most of the characters listed are or was a demon. Tristan struggles with his identity and he doesn't have any control over his demon side so it should be neat for him to have someone who can help him through it. Granted, I believe Mael is his perfect teacher since he once wielded both powers.

Now, let's get into Lancelot. I only have three candidates. Rou's reincarnation, King and Diane's eldest and/or possibly Tioreh. Rou and Derieri are currently in the same position. They have both reincarnated with their memories still intact, but Rou has already been reincarnated to Oslo then he died and got reincarnated again. I've said that it would be cool and fun and happy if he got reincarnated as a fairy so he could be with Gerhade, but he could very well be reincarnated as a human and his story would revolve around reuniting with Gerhade either way that's how his story will go. King and Diane's kids are pretty self explanatory since they are Lance's cousins. King and Diane's eldest is intriguing for me especially because of Disaster. Disaster isn't something we've seen at its pure and raw form, when King uses Disaster it's always with the Spirit Spear and King and Diane's eldest could be the character that can showcase just what Disaster can do on its own, and being the eldest and heir to be the next Fairy King The Sacred Tree can give him the power of Disaster. So what I'm saying is Lance's squad is literrally Fairy supremacy.

Lastly, Gawain. This one is easy. Gawain has Sunshine. Her team is the perfect way to revive the Four Archangels... well the graces of the four Archangels.

That's all for my rambling. Next time, I'll talk about the Demon Realm Arc. I have a few things to saw about the Demon Realm Arc.

[stormyoceans]

Monica, you and me both. i seriously hope they don't do anything to mess up what we've going on now. because it's been a perfect streak so far and i really badly don't want it ruined. but i don't really trust thai bls that much. the dad showing up completely uncalled for like that was a little bit of turn off for me in that matter. (cause i dint think that was a very important storyline, barely relevant at all to what we've seen of Day's story so far) and i hope that doesn't take more than 5 mins to get resolved. forced separation my beloathed. i also worry night and day will not be resolved as satisfactorily as i want it to (tho i hear we can trust p'aof on that) as there are only 4 more eps left and it's probably not gonna happen in ep 3. andd. as for one last thing, i also wish and hope desperately we get a bit of a reversal in their dynamic. with day being more of a crutch to mohk than the other way around. you know just to complete the picture on both sides. anyways, manifesting nothing but the best. -Skate

MORE RAMBLINGS AND SPECULATIONS AND PERSONAL WORRIES AND FILMING SPOILERS ABOUT LAST TWILIGHT UNDER THE CUT (just to be safe because i really don't wanna ruin people's excitement with my negativity. im also afraid my nomnom card might get revoked ;;;;;;;;)

i personally didn’t mind day’s dad showing up at the end of episode 8 because he has been mentioned since episode 2 and there’s also been a lot of emphasis on day’s mom being a single mom who raised him and night by herself, so i did expect day’s dad to play a role in the story at some point. i do agree that his introduction was rather abrupt tho, like day bringing him up out of nowhere while talking to mork and implying that songkhla was his hometown was a bit too on the nose imho, i think it could have been done a little bit better, but i’ve forgiven shows for much worse. once again my main fear with day’s dad is that he was introduced just to explain why he and ramon separated hence kind of foreshadowing mork and day also eventually separating, which as we previously established i would HATE

and you know it's not like im against separation on principle, i do think it could work for morkday if, let's say, mork was offered a job he's really passionate about in another town and was upfront about it with day and day told him 'you can't be my caretaker forever, you are my boyfriend, i want us to be equal, take this opportunity and make your dreams come true', because i do also agree with you on the fact that we've always seen mork supporting day and i need to have day supporting mork as well to balance things out a little bit more (not to always bring up vice versa but one of the main reasons i love puentalay is the mutuality and equality of their relationship). if this were to happen, they could still talk to each other on the phone and have mork go visit day over the weekend, they would still have a relationship based on love and understanding which is what their entire journey has been about. if this were to happen, i would become separation nr. 1 fan. i would be ready to print every single word of doubts i've ever expressed about the last 3 episodes and literally EAT THEM. the problem is that even if we're talking about p'aof, i can't fully trust him with not going down the misunderstanding route and not making them broke the promise they made of always holding each other's hands. i know that in bad buddy he made everyone think patpran broke up only to say SIKE, but unfortunately that's not enough to reassure me

the only hope i have is this picture

which to me does look like a 'mork is torn about leaving for his dream job but day is giving him his full support', but unfortunately I HAVE TRUST ISSUES OKAY. I'VE BEEN HURT BY SHOWS BEFORE. and i can't really explain this shot of mork crying in the trailer unless it's about day breaking up with him

SO. TRUST ISSUES

day and night's reconciliation is honestly the thing im less worried about because i do fully believe it's gonna happen, maybe not right away because if night was indeed somehow responsible for day losing his sight i think day is gonna need more time, but i think we're gonna see them finally have a proper talk with each other and by the end of it day is gonna leave an opening for their relationship to heal and go back to what it used to be

BUT YEAH IM JUST GONNA BE PRAYING FOR THE BEST THAT'S ALL WE CAN DO

[kyouka-supremacy]

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before but I have this headcanon that Akutagawa's ability depends a lot on the piece of clothing he's wearing- that is to say, Rashomon will work no matter what he's wearing, but it'll be stronger the more Akutagawa finds an emotional connection with the clothes.

It sorta ties with how abilities are strictly connected to their user in the way at some point an ability becomes a direct manifestation of its user; since Akutagawa has always been very impulses and emotions driven, it makes sense for his ability to be a reflection of its bearer, and be the most powerful when he's experiencing strong emotions. You can kinda see it in his ship fight against Atsushi when he has that big burst of rage (when he says “I'll never let him say anything like that to me ever again”), in his fight against Hawthorne, in the fight against Fukuchi when he goes “I don't need words but only actions”... His strongest retaliations always come after big spurts of emotions where he's losing control of them.

Now, the thing about his ability having a strong connection with emotions goes both ways: it is stronger when 1) he's feeling very strong emotions and 2) the clothing he's wearing represents a deep emotional meaning for Akutagawa. The second point descends from and enhances the first, since having a deep connection with his clothing works as a constant trigger for memories that make Akutagawa feel strong emotions: that's why the coat Dazai donated to him is so important, and that's why he never takes it off. It's hard to believe it to be a coincidence that the character with the only clothes-related ability also wears the only clothes that were given an history to. Fun fact, the same can be said for Beast Akutagawa! His character design sheet description states: “according to Asagiri, Akutagawa stole his overcoat from one of his enemies at the beginning of his journey and always wears it so that he never forgets his desire for revenge”. The point about the coat being a constant reminder of what drives him is SO interesting, and I think same can be said for his main story counterpart! If anything, the fact that the author took care to specify it is quite telling on its own.

Again, although both are very relevant parts of his ability, I believe feeling very strong emotions is slightly more important than having a deep connection with the clothes he's wearing, which is mostly a consequence of the first: we could say in his final retaliation against Fukuchi he was feeling emotions so strong he was able to compensate for the lack of coat and effectively use his ability; although ultimately both factors contribute to making his ability work at its strongest. Additionally, it's coherent with his upbringing and with how abilities are implied to develop in parallel to their bearer growth and childhood experiences: Akutagawa growing up in an environment where he had to constantly fight for his life → strongest adrenaline when his life is at risk → his ability is most powerful whenever he's feeling a lot™. It's a circle of cause and effect of feeling strong emotions and need to survive that kept reciprocally influencing his ability while it was still developing.

Now, when I talk about Akutagawa's “emotions”, in canon it's pretty exclusively hatred / rage. Also because hatred is the first emotion™ Akutagawa ever felt (as explicitly stated in The Heartless Cur: “He had finally found it – an emotion within himself – [...] That emotion was hatred.” ) and the one that represents him better. That also counts for Dazai's coat because as much as the idea of Dazai may raise very strong and heartfelt emotions in Akutagawa, they're hardly positive ones. So just!! Just imagine Akutagawa wearing something that reminds him a deep bond of love!!! Imagine Akutagawa having acquired new feelings, now being pushed for the first time by sentiments of love rather than rage and anger!!!!!!

[boilingrain]

Rain Draws Squirrelflight, Leafpool & Bramblestar a Few Times

Since these three won my poll on which protagonists I should draw, here they are!

They don't get as much art per character as Ashfur did, because that was one character and this is three. Trust me, this was faster and more do-able

So anyways, first up is the Squirrel herself!

I draw Squirrelpaw generally softer & bouncier looking than I draw Squirrelflight, because at this point in time she's just a kid. She has not yet witnessed the Horrors(tm)

Even when I was reading The New Prophecy for the first time as a kid, I always imagined Squirrelpaw/Squirrelflight as having little round ears. Maybe it was just the "Squirrel" prefix, but that trait has always stuck with me and I've always drawn her with small ears.

This isn't a trait unique to Squirrelflight with my designs though! In her family alone, Cloudtail, Alderheart, Lionblaze and Nutmeg also have small, rounded ears (Princess might also have them, but I haven't decided yet. I also haven't decided if any of Cloudtail or Lionblaze's kits have the rounded ears, but at least one probably does)

I wish that she had kept her telepathy thing with her sister, I honestly thought it was interesting. It's a shame that the Erins quickly ran out of uses for it and decided to pretend it never existed. This may or may not be why in my rewrite of Warriors that exists in my head (like many others in this fandom), the telepathy thing didn't stop existing as soon as it wasn't super useful the plot anymore.

Admittedly, she's always been my favorite of the cats who journeyed to the sun-drown place (though tbf, most of them didn't really get any proper development, and the other one was Brambleclaw. I do have a soft spot for Stormfur and Tawnypelt, though).

Also I... forgot to color Squirrelkit's mouth. Whoops

The lady with a somehow worse taste in men than her sister, Squirrelflight!

Please Squirrelflight, you could've done so much better than Bramblestar. You deserve so much better than Bramblestar.

That aside, Squirrelflight has been one of my favorites for a long time. I just think she's a fun and interesting character

I think I said basically all of the things I was going to say when I was talking about Squirrelpaw, tbh. Also, much like a lot of the fandom for some reason, I don't really remember much of what happened during OotS? I don't think Squilf was particularly relevant during that arc, but it's possible she was and I just genuinely do not remember.

Why is Omen of the Stars basically just a void in everyone's memory. What's going on there.

Anyways, those aren't the final designs for Lionkit, Hollykit & Jaykit in that little doodle. Those are just kind of rough concept designs for them, and when I eventually draw them they'll probably look different. Also this is tortie Hollyleaf propaganda

If Lionblaze can be golden (though I typically draw him as cream) when both of his parents are functionally black (brown = black when it comes to cats. Also Leafpool shouldn't be a brown tabby anyways, because her dad is red and her mom is cream, which is a dilute version of red. I should stop talking now, before I get too deep into rambling about cat genetics), then Hollyleaf can be a tortie. (Jayfeather's fine btw. Gray is a dilute version of black, and both of his parents carry dilute. Crowfeather from Ashfoot & Leafpool from Sandstorm)

Okay, I'll finally shut up about cat genetics now

If Squirrelstar doesn't happen, I will eat my hat. I will eat several hats.

I actually don't even know how old Squirrelflight is currently in the books. It doesn't help that the Erins are weird with ages and don't seem to know how cats work.

For my purposes, I choose to believe that the Clans have been at the lake for at least a decade, making Squilf at least 10 1/2 - 11 years old, depending on how old she was when the Clans left the forest territories. And putting her around that age would, in fact, make her a senior (for a house cat, at least. Real feral cats don't typically live that long, but tbf the clans have medicine and stuff, so their life expectancy might be longer than regular feral cats. But cats are considered seniors once they hit 10 years old)

Also all things considered, she's probably been stressed as hell for a while and experiencing the Horrors(tm). So she gets some gray on her muzzle from a combination of age and stress.

Honestly she deserves to go on a nice, relaxing vacation where she doesn't have to deal with the Erin's less than good writing choices and shitty treatment of female characters.

Anyways Squirrelstar's leader mark is her nose spot becoming star shaped, because I love it when leaders are depicted with some sort of star shaped marking. I eat it up every time.

I'll talk more about leader marks and how I do them at a later time, though.

Leafpaw! My sweet baby Leafpaw!

My version of Leafpool is big and very fluffy, and you can't stop me from drawing her that way

Right off the bat, you'll probably notice that her design has changed a bit from the original concept design that I posted, as she's now a tortie instead of a regular brown tabby. Admittedly, a big part of why she's a tortie now is that I just love torties & calicos haha

If anything, her name makes even more sense now, because the combination of brown and orange makes her look more like leaves during fall! :)

Why's Leaf a tortie but Squirrel isn't? Maybe Squirrelflight is a secret tortie, or maybe she's trans, who knows? (The actual answer is that I had already finished all the Squilf art when I randomly decided to have Leaf be a tortie, but I didn't want to go back and change Squilf's design because I love it)

I hope it's obvious that I love Leafpool a whole lot

Once again, Holly, Lion & Jay's designs in this are not their final designs and when I eventually get around to actually drawing them, they'll definitely have at least a few design changes.

Also it's really hard to draw tiny little newborn kittens on a small scale like this.

Anyways I've never actually read Leafpool's Wish, so I don't know if it proves or disproves what I'm about to say, but I think that with how much Leafpool loved her kits, I believe that she would've raised them herself if she had the ability to.

I also personally believe that if Squirrelflight hadn't decided to take in the kits, or if Leafpool had decided that she wanted to raise her kits instead of her sister doing it, Thunderclan wouldn't have done shit about it. I mean, she definitely wouldn't be as trusted as she was before, but I don't think she'd lose her job (at least at first) or be exiled. She was their only medicine cat, they literally couldn't do shit about it. Additionally, she's Firestar's daughter and also related to Sandstorm and Squirrelflight, who are both individually forces to be reckoned with.

She'd probably have to train an apprentice as soon as possible and then have to step down from her role as medicine cat, but I definitely don't think she'd be exiled or anything.

Leafpool but she sparkles

For anyone who didn't see my Ashfur post, some of the rules I have for Starclan designs is that Starclan cats are lighter in color and have sharper & more star shaped markings compared to when they were alive. They also have their appearances change over time in a way connected to their names, which is why Leafpool is starting to grow leaves out of her neck fluff.

Additionally, Starclan cats will typically have a sharper shape, to go with their sharper markings. You'll notice that while she has the sharper markings, Leafpool's fur is still soft and rounded.

I feel like Leafpool's whole thing with her trial would affect her Starclan appearance, but that's not really something that results from a trial, so her not becoming sharper in shape is the exception rather than the rule.

I didn't design a Dark Forest Leafpool, but I imagine that the changes she'd get there (because my DF cats have their appearances change based on their crimes) would be that she would still grow leaves out of her body, but she'd also grow feathers and would have particularly long and sharp claws that she wouldn't be able to sheath. Each of these things is representative of the "crime" that she was sentenced for (even though Spottedleaf, a Starclan cat, literally encouraged her to do that)

The leaves would specifically be holly leaves (representing, well... Hollyleaf), the feathers would be a mix of jay and crow (representing Jayfeather & Crowfeather) and the claws would represent Lionblaze (though for this one I went with something meant to represent his power instead of his name. With Leafpool being a medicine cat, I think it fits)

If Leafpool doesn't give Squirrelstar a life we riot

The bramble man

Honestly even as a kid Brambleclaw wasn't exactly my favorite character. I wasn't really old enough to really process how he sucks, honestly I just kind of remember thinking that he was boring. Maybe that's just the fact that I've always liked Squirrelflight & Leafpool way more than him, but I just didn't really care for his POV chapters during The New Prophecy

I did love the Hawkfrost scene, though. Because I wasn't on any warrior cats forums or anything as a kid, I didn't get spoiled about stuff like Hawkfrost's death or the Fire Scene (along with many other important scenes), so I think those scenes hit way harder for me.

When I was a kid reading Po3 for the first time, I genuinely didn't even suspect that Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw weren't Hollyleaf, Lionblaze & Jayfeather's biological parents. So you can probably imagine how shocked little elementary school me was

But anyways, yeah. While I didn't hate Brambleclaw as a kid, I just didn't really care about him.

On another note, my Brambleclaw/star design is pretty similar in shape to my Lionheart design (just with extra toes and not as big of a mane). Since Lionheart was Goldenflower's brother, I thought it would be interesting if while everyone else just saw Tigerclawstar in Bramble's appearance, Goldenflower didn't.

My Tawnypelt design has a more similar shape to Tigerclawstar, though.

Bramblestar!

Leader marks are usually an already existing marking that becomes star shaped (like how I made Squirrelstar's nose spot star shaped), but sometimes a new marking entirely will appear as the leader mark.

While I easily could've made one of the spots on the backs of his ears into a star shaped for his leader mark, I have plans relating to Bramblefake/The Imposter and Bramblestar's mark.

You'll see said plans in a moment, but what I will mention about it is that my Ashfur design has a broken heart shaped marking on his chest.

On an unrelated note, Bramblestar should have someone else name warriors for him because great Starclan is he bad at names.

There's totally nothing wrong with Bramblestar, what possibly could've made you think that

Anyways, a combination of the whole being possessed thing & Ashfur's broken heart marking have caused Bramblestar's leader mark to "break". It actually doesn't get fixed after he's no longer possessed, his leader mark stays that way.

The Imposter's fur is darker and droopier than regular Brambkestar. I don't have a real reason for the darker color (other than that it looks cool), but the fur is Ashfur's doing.

Another thing that is Ashfur's doing is the blue pupils. Bramblestar is supposed to have red pupils (due to him training in the Dark Forest in TNP), but being possessed kind of overrides that and so The Imposter's pupils are blue. They do turn red again after Bramblestar is no longer possessed, though.

Honestly, I still kind of wish that the theory that Bramblestar had rabies was canon. The possession was interesting, but I don't think rabies has even been mentioned in the series. Which is a bit surprising considering that it's basically a soap opera with cats, but then again the Erins sure do love taking the opportunity to ignore possible interesting new plots. Why do anything interesting when we could instead have a billion more badly written romances

But I will admit, it was interesting to have Ashfur come back to be awful again. I'm still mad that he got let into Starclan after trying to kill at least 4 people because he "loved too much" and that gave him more of an opportunity to pull this shit. They absolutely butchered Yellowfang after she died. Not really even recognizable as the same character as her living self.

I'm not doing more art for this post. I'm tired and I'm going to go get some sleep. Tomorrow I will get back to work on hypokit requests, but for now it is time to put away my art supplies and lay in bed.

[lorax177]

Something I've been really thinking a lot about recently is like. How much difference in my quality of life as a mentally ill person is directly influenced by the choice to hope, to try, to assume good intent. In order to have a life worth living I have to believe it's possible.

Before anyone says anything about my mental illness being not as severe and therefore negating my position, let me put this into perspective. I am schizoaffective, meaning essentially both schizophrenic and bipolar (or major depression for some people). I also have ocd, several specific learning disorders, combined type adhd, and autism (plus some misc other less relevant mental health diagnoses). I've been hospitalized for a suicide attempt, homeless, disowned, abused, impoverished. I know what it's like to suffer, to struggle,to be stigmatized, to want to die. I'm trans, intersex, and queer. My life, and quality of life, continue to be under threat by the powers that be and from members of my own community. In many ways, many life is and has been hard.

But I have a life now that I enjoy and want to keep. I live in shared reality most of the time. My compulsions are under control, my disabilities accommodated, and my mood has been more or less euthymic for the last 4 ish years. The single most powerful driving force in my continual recovery has been the work that myself, my friends, cousins, doctors, case managers, even strangers have put into supporting me. I couldn't do it alone, but neither could anyone or everyone else do it without my willingness to try. I can't overstate how important other people were in helping me get to where I am today. But right now, for this post, I want to talk about the choice that I made to help myself.

I put in effort. I chose to live in shared reality, and worked hard every minute of every day (and still do!) To keep myself from going down the rabbit hole of psychosis. I chose to live, at first out of guilt, then spite, and now joy. I chose to pursue treatment, and chose to show a vulnerable side of myself to strangers in order to ask for help. I chose to make friends. Chose to support those friends and chose to let them support me. I chose to transition and to seek happiness and security in who I am. I chose to show strangers kindness despite my instinctive mistrust, and chose to challenge myself to learn and grow as a person, ally, and friend.

My message to you, the downtrodden, the ill, the underprivileged, the heartbroken, the disabled, queer, stigmatized, dehumanized, profiled, abused, and othered, is simple yet difficult: chose love. For yourself, for life, for others, for passions, for the world. You matter. Everything and everyone matters. Choose to help and be helped. Choose to care. Choose to grow. Life isn't easy but it's worth living. You deserve a good life and you need to believe it.

I'm not saying that it's your fault you're suffering or that you're bad if you can't do something. But you have a choice. You always have a choice.

Choose to care.

[aita-blorbos]

[trigger warning for suicide, kidnapping]

AITA for accidentally contributing to someone's suicide attempt?

For context: I (18f, then 13f) had a group of friends 5 years ago. One of us, who i'll call Person A (then 12f) was kidnapped, and as it turned out 4 years later, killed. The rest of us were affected by this, as you'd expect, however Persons B and C (17f and 17nb, then 13f and 13f) and I were all sent back to school within a month and were relatively fine, still trying to aid in the search efforts going on. The other remaining person, Person D (18m, then 13m), stopped talking to all of us abruptly and wouldn't answer the door when we came to his house to check on him (his parents weren't often around to answer it). He made no effort to help look for A, who I will say was VERY close to him and would have probably lost sleep searching for him if the roles were reversed here. After a few months, we stopped trying to talk to him, then a few months after that he came back to school seemingly wanting nothing to do with us. A year after A's disappearance, search efforts came to a halt, too.

Now, all of us are 17 and 18. There are 4 people in this group of friends currently- B and C, and Person E (18f, she's Person C's sister and begun to hang out with us two years after A went missing, though that's not relevant.) For additional context, D, being transmasc, has always had a bullying problem, with E contributing to this before stopping around the time she joined our group. D still has problems with this, and since he doesn't have A to protect him like she used to, and none of us hang around him anymore, they're worse than he was before.

Recently, D has started trying to talk to us again, and I've ignored him. He has no reason to talk to E, and B and C don't seem to talk to him beyond quick greetings. What's really annoying is that he keeps trying to talk to me specifically, and while we used to be very close, he made it clear that he didn't want to talk to me then, and I don't want to talk to him now.

All this has kept snowballing until a week ago, where D tried to apologise to me for not talking to me. B, C and E were present and watching, as we were all walking out of the school together. I snapped at him, and while I still do believe that most of what I said to him was correct - that he could have at least told us anything about how he was doing, spoken a single word to us, or read our messages, that A would have unearthed every single inch of land looking for him if he was the one missing - I could have said it much nicer. I yelled at him, and I did say one thing that I wish I never did. I told him that I wished he was the one who died instead of her. Once I stopped to take a breath, he said he'd do what I wanted to make up for things, and ran off to his house, which is a ten minute walk from the school and less if you run. I didn't understand what he meant at first, and was too busy trying to calm down, but Person B told me that I was being unreasonably angry at him and needed to try to catch up with him and apologise quickly. She didn't say what she thought about the implications of his last statement then, but apparently she was worried about it at the time.

B and I followed him, while C and E had to go home. When we got to his house, his door was unlocked, and when we went to his room, we found him hanging by a rope made of his own blankets. B called 911 while I tried performing CPR (I do a lot of sport and knew how to from swimming), and he survived. D has since said that he doesn't blame me for what I said, and I have said sorry for it repeatedly, but B and C are both really mad at me. I don't know what to do. I was only acting out of pent-up emotion, and didn't mean for him to get hurt or hurt himself. He said that a lot of it was just because the bullying, and he was probably going to try committing suicide regardless of how I reacted to the apology, but I still feel like shit about everything I've done.

[insidekaz]

And Thus, Everything Is Tumbling Down

(I know that's a weird way to start another one of my strange post. It'll be explained later. Prepare for a pretty lengthy blog today.)

Hello people of the internet. It's me, Kaz, your local enby who messed up so hard that they put themselves on the couch, only for my partner to come and get me and bring me to bed. Before you say anything, I know that that's also a strange way to start off a post that basically going to turn into a public self-shaming post, but try to trust me when I say that all of this will be explained in the next few minutes (well, hours for me. I don't exactly plan on sitting down and typing all of this out in one sitting.)

I'll start off by saying that I've been stressed lately. No job, places saying that they're hiring but not calling me back, the cost of living being diabolically bonkers, all of that. Doesn't help that while I'm at home applying for jobs and doing side hustles, my partner is pulling extra hours at its job to make sure that we don't drown in this capitalistic economy.

That's not the reason why I feel like everything's falling faster than a tower of Jenga blocks. The reason is because of one major flaw with my personal psychological programming and how I go about trying (and failing) to fix it. Man, this post sure is colorful today. Anyway, I have this...thing in my head that annoys me if there's information that's made apparent that I don't know or the possibility of an event that can happen. For example, if someone were to tell me "Hey, I'm planning a surprise for you.", it'll start to bother me to no end until I gather all the information needed figure out what that surprise could be, thus spoiling the surprise for myself in the process. Or, and this is the more relevant example, if there's something that I'm made aware could result in something bad happen, I, for some fucking reason, act upon my impulses and try to get that bad thing to happen. Usually, I'm stopped before said bad thing could happen and that usually calms me down for the time being.

Yes, it's just as infuriating as you're thinking it is, both of me and everyone around me. Yes, I have tried to control this impulses in the past. And yes, I have continuously failed to keep these impulses under control.

This time, this was different. I'm not going to go into exact detail of what happened, but I will alluded to the idea that I almost invoked a pretty bad situation that almost ended in property damage. Of course, as always, the chaos was halted. Yet, that doesn't make the situation magically better. I know, shocker. Above all of that, it was my significant other that had to calm everything down. I'm not gonna lie or try to justifying what most people would think and say "Oh, it was the autism making me do those things." That would be disrespectful to other people with autism and just blatant dishonesty. I will admit and say that those were conscious actions that I made of my own accord, me allowing and enabling the impulsive thoughts to (somewhat) win. This was a situation that didn't need to happen between the two of us, and now things are more than rocky.

Oh, and then get this! Yesterday afternoon, after being on no-talking terms for about a full day (Thursday night to Friday evening), we actually get to talk about what happen. Well, it was less both of us talking and it was more my partner talking and pointing out my bullshit and me just, well, taking it. I mean, I couldn't really refute anything that was being said to me. This wasn't the first time that I allowed my impulse to get the better of me, nor could I really apologize again cause, while it would be meaningful, I couldn't guarantee that this wouldn't happen again. I'm a person of chaos, advocate for the viewership of each and every possible outcome that can happen on a quantum scale, leaning more towards the good ones, yet the bad ones always pique my curiosity. So, with no other options in which I believed I could contribute to the conversation, you wanna take a shot in the dark as to what my next actions were?

I ran away. I'm not even kidding. Imagine the most brisk walk from a living room to an office on the other side of the apartment that you can, all while keeping my head down to avoid any further eye contact. ...Yeah. I did that. Willingly if I may add.

I know, 10/10. Amazing strategy there Kaz. Encore, please. But seriously, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking at the time and I still don't know now. My usual avoidance of conflict has basically turned into a fear of conflict at this point in my life. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Nothing's gonna get better by me hiding in my office. Even when I was done for the night and put myself on the couch, my partner realized I wasn't in bed and came to get me. I could've talked about it then. Hell, I could've said something, anything. Yet, I didn't. I just rolled over and went to bed, allowing the silence to go on ever longer. Again, what does that say about us? What does that say about me? Usually at this point in the relationship, one would be asking themselves whether they're becoming a burden to their partner, but is that a question I can even ask myself? Have I ever not been a burden to them? Am I becoming a burden to both of my partners? Like I said, I could've said the smallest thing, even a "good night", but I didn't. I just...laid there and fell asleep, probably making them think that I had just forgotten about everything or just didn't care.

I'm unpredictable. I'm loud when it comes to my chaotic ideas, Yet, I'm silent when it comes to apologizing. I'm confident when it comes to my aspirations, But timid when it comes to admitting I'm wrong. I'm constantly writing, constantly thinking, constantly typing out my ideas, words in which I'll write a million of to get my imaginations across, Yet I can't find the words when they matter most. ...the fuck's wrong with you Kameron?

I've got all these big ideas, these dreams, these ambitions of what I want my life to be, where I want to be, who I want to be with. I've written miles and miles of short stories, beginnings of novels, documents within documents of world-building. I'm able to do all this, but I can never seem to find the words when they're needed to be said.

How does one say that they're sorry when they've shown otherwise?

How do I get over these feelings about myself?