#I know my identity is valid and all but Why can’t I be satisfied??

[vampvore]

I’m just fed up with feeling so ace and yet so sexually repressed. I’M SO FRUSTRATED!

[randomfoggytiger]

React: A Late-Canon Reviler Gives the Revival a Try (Weremonster), Part III

Here we go, first comedic episode of the Revival. 

…Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…

Part I (My Struggle I) and Part II (Founder's Mutation).

Let's go!

MULDER AND SCULLY MEET THE WEREMONSTER

Why are we starting with adults huffing spray paint.

…Darin wrote two episodes with people getting high off of the strangest substances. 

And that’s not a lot, but it’s odd that it happened twice. 

Why do monsters always run towards the people or object or whatever they’re trying to scare or escape from? Like, what if he got surprise-shanked by two high, high school dropouts? (It’s not out of the realm of possibility.)  

No self-preservation instinct, tsk tsk. 

This dude’s okay, no that dude, woah that dude might not be okay. 

…Random paper bag for the high man to stress-blow into. 

Oh, look, a writer remembering the lore. 

How quaint. 

(Sidenote: Darin did not remember the lore, and kinda prided himself on not keeping up with all of it. But that won’t matter to me if he writes a good one-off.)

Mulder’s older now so he can’t stretch his neck to throw pencils at the ceiling. I guess. I suppose. I supposition. I presume.  

Kumail’s in this one? 

…’Kay. 

“Mulder?” Yay, that’s Scully-- “What are you doing to my poster?” And that’s Gillian. 

Mulder’s recounting all his failures in an upbeat, presentational way ‘cuz he’s wooing his girl. At least neither of them act like they’re on the precipice of death, that’s neato. 

Oh, look, Scully can smile. Remember how she did that twice in My Struggle I? Good times. 

Why’s her shirt look like it’s from Walmart?

Forgot this… pencil-scratch material was popular around the mid twenty-teens.

Can I forget it again…? …No? Do they leave it behind in Season 10? 

“--Going through these cases with fresh, if not wiser eyes.” Well, I don’t know about that. 

Also, is that a dig at his “wiseness” or a tongue-in-cheek joke at Mulder’s pat-on-the-back nature? (Lemme rewind.) Backpat coupled with epiphany. 

“Mulder? Have you been taking your meds?” 

…

….

…..

What, did they expect a laugh out of me? It just annoyed me because of the whole “Mulder’s depression” trauma I suffered for two episodes. 

But at least Darin’s trying to remind us that’s an on-going issue (despite CC implying it doesn’t bother Mulder anymore in My Struggle I and Morgan?-- or Wong-- reinforcing that idea in his “bitterly healed and chakras open” Founder’s Mutation ending.) 

Mulder’s a middle-aged man who just got back to the office and is wondering if anything he’s accomplished… well, if he’s accomplished anything. 

A valid question in these dark times. 

And by dark times, we all know what me and my chocolate-addled, My Struggle-PTSDed brain are referring to. 

Mulder certainly does:

“Maybe it’s time to put away childish things-- the Sasquatches, the Mothmen, and… Jackalopes.” 

Okay, well that’s rude-- I always wanted to see a jackalope case. 

Mulder spent one weekend not getting a community response to his latest fanfic and let the dark thoughts take over. 

All joke’s aside, this is an… it’s an okay scene. It’s weighty enough to be taken seriously, you feel for this clone of Mulder’s, you hope he gets his Mr. Incredibles act together--

Oh, wait, he already did by now. 

I guess. 

We skipped the traincar training montage while he was getting back into FBI ready shape. 

…

.....

.......

You’re welcome. 

On another aside, Skinner just pulled all the strings only for Mulder to have an identity crisis after one weirdo case. 

Man’s been carrying everyone on his back for decades with no rest and his newly recruited, depressed-but-not-depressed-depending-on-the-writer, domesticated-feral-animal agent might just trounce back out of the FBI and go wall up somewhere to mope. 

At least he’s not wandering off to take illegal substances to satisfy his curiosity. 

No. 

That’s saved for another episode. 

Scully brushes over Mulder’s confession to say, “we got another case, and this one’s ALSO got a monster in it.” 

And that makes him happy. 

Oooooooooooooooooooooooookay. 

*scribbling notes for later observation*

Darin has a favorite and that is OG Scully. And I will give it to him, she actually sounds happy for once. 

ALSO, I noticed your smoker voice is gone, GILLIAN, unless you’re mumbling or using The Sad Voice ™. I noticed. 

Scully’s insisting this is a monster case while Mulder mopes around the woods and says it’s a mountain lion. 

…I’m NOT gonna nitpick. I’m NOT-- OKAY, so, rewind time. 

Older Mulder-- as in the 90s Mulder-- would have at least been amused by Scully’s antics and followed her around for the fun of it, unless he felt used and abused, i.e. Host and Folie a Deux. Here is not the case. 

Further, he was intrigued in the basement but is now kind of… dismissive. 

Which is. It’s not a big problem, it doesn’t stand out, and it wouldn’t be something I’d clock except I’m very disgruntled and burned and grumpy about the past three days. 

However. 

Let’s continue. 

 Mulder’s Patriarchy Pants are making him do the Marilyn Monroe wiggle again. However, like a virus, middle-aged wedgie crotch has infected Scully, too; and the two of them are squeak-squonking ‘round the forest. 

They do say marriage slowly turns you into each other. 

Mulder sloughing off the naked guy in the crime scene pics as “Well, maybe he’s a nudist.” 

Darin. 

I know what you’re doing here. 

Give Mulder the doubting identity crisis and have his faith transformed. A reverse Clyde Bruckman, if you will. I get it. But you gotta admit, "a nudist" is a pretty weak rationalization, let alone a comeback. 

“That’s how I’d like to go out.” That saved it a little.

“The uniqueness of the wound, Mulder, implies a human element.”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Scully, I gave up profiling before I gave up monsters.” WHAT? LAST WEEK?

YOUR CREDENTIALS AS A PROFILER GOT YOU HIRED BACK TO THE FBI--

Pause, pause, pause. 

He’s probably being tongue-in-cheek. He gave up monsters this morning and profiling last night. 

…If he’s not, what’s Mulder gonna do? Take up residence under Skinner’s desk? Have his bald benefactor feed him pencil shavings between meetings? 

“You seen one serial killer, you seen ‘em all.” Quite literally, no. 

I am. 

Puzzled. 

It’s not offensive-- WAIT, NO. I’m being emotionally manipulated by a softer Mulder and more upbeat Scully, youcan’ttakemealive--

“Mulder, I can see you’re going through a questioning phase of some sort--”

You don’t say. 

From bar to basement. From closet to forest. From Founder’s Mutation to… Weremonster Investigation.

Scully points out they need to help the victims.

Mulder: “Okay, well when you put it that way, Scully, but mark my words--”

I’m not getting the essence of Mulder here, gang. 

I got him for, like, three whiffs in My Struggle I and once at the end of Founder’s Mutation, but he’s MIA here so far. 

…Perhaps my “clone Mulder” crack in a previous paragraph kinds fits. 

Hmmm. If he continues to be Mulder-adjacent, I shall name him… I was gonna say ‘Charlie’, then remembered that’s Scully’s brother’s name. The CC name rot is infecting me. 

The streetwalker-on-crack scene was amusing, but not really funny. 

OH, MAN, JUST GOT JUMP-SCARED BY KUMAIL, OHMYWORD. 

Also, that was a weird cut-- Scully opens her mouth to say something, Mulder looks at her, CUT, Kumail face. 

The director was meaning to imply Mulder stopped Scully’s attempted defense with a look, but it only made it seem like one of them said something so cancellable the editors drop-kicked that bit from the final recording. 

I haven’t laughed once .

Welp, Kumail ran off after playing a scared animal control officer for three seconds. 

Pardon, but what was the purpose of that scene?

This kinda feels like a play: in this set piece, the hooker whacks a creature with a purse; in this set piece, Kumail gets spooked by the agents and runs off after hearing a roar; still in this set piece, Mulder whips out his phone and starts… hitting… the… picture… button. 

My thought process:

It's dark at night. 

2. I hear a ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR. 

3. I'm pulling out my gun, not my camera. 

You know why?

There are more tigers in North American than the world combined. 

Just sayin’. 

SCULLY, REINSTALL THE SAFETY FEATURE IN YOUR KEN, PLEASE. 

JUST. PUT. THE PHONE. ON. VIDEO. MODE. 

Oh, wait, he’s a tech goombus who doesn’t know how to take videos. 

THEY SAW A DEAD BODY--

…

THEY SAW A DEAD BODY THROUGH HIS PHOTOS INSTEAD OF NOTICING THE CORPSE RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM?

I’m not mad because this isn’t as mean-spirited as the previous two episodes, but that’s just. That’s just.  

That. 

Wait, how’d they get from Mulder’s camera setting to his photo collage, without swiping or going there or…? He was taking rapid-fire pictures, Scully looks over, says, “What’s that?”, and the camera cuts to a picture that has to be in the phone’s gallery. …What happened-- you know what? Never mind. 

Mulder runs off INTO THE DARK with ONLY HIS CAMERA OUT while Scully is yards behind him WITH THE GUN. 

Solid decision making there. 

My man, if this were a tiger (we’ve already seen it’s the horny Lizardman) or a cougar in heat (well, give Scully a few episodes), you’d probably be very dead. 

I’ve named Mulder-Clone: Ken. He’s cute, he’s having an identity crisis, and he’s as dumb as a rock. 

This fits unintentionally well with his Patriarchy Pants (though they’re wearing him, not of the other way around.) 

Kumail’s here and they both scared each other and now they’re hyper-Ken-focusing on Ken’s wonky phone app and stuff. 

Barbie-- clone Scully-- hears Ken and Kumail screaming their lungs out after getting jumped by Lizardman and only NOW notices Mulder had Marilyn Monroe shimmied off. 

Imagine if this were the end of Mulders career: questioning his life’s purpose, losing the battle to technology, and T-posing, dead, on the ground. 

Ken sounds completely fine when Scully runs up to him asking if he's okay. No wooziness. No nothing. (Kumail, too.)

“Okay. I quit.” Smarty Mr. K. over there (not Ken, but you knew that.)

Monster’s a-running, and Formerly-Mulder springs up and races off with Scully. 

What did that jumpscare accomplish, narratively? What did any of these jumpscares accomplish, narratively?

I know we’re only 10 minutes in, but it’s feeling a little too… scene-scene-scene-scene-scene, jumpscare-jumpscare-jumpscare, phone-phone-phone-phone-phone. T-pose. That was a shakeup, I guess. 

Ken was going to question the guy on the pot (who is, indeed, the Lizardman, btw) but notices Scully’s face and closes the door and walks away with her. 

Strangely, that and the basement are the only scenes, thus far, where Ken was most like Mulder. 

Scully, do you regret putting a battery pack in your Ken doll now?

This interaction is still Ken-not-Mulder, but Scully is kinda recognizable. 

Just realized. Mulder replaced his slideshow with a phone. Now he can inflict them on his partner even in the midst of her autopsies. 

No one is safe. 

THERE’S A MULDER MOMENT, I ACTUALLY SMILED! 

And now it’s gone. 

“So now you’re saying you were attacked by a six-foot horny toad?”

“Woah, let’s keep this in the realm of natural sciences, shall we?”

Um. 

That’s not a Mulder line. 

That’s not even a Ken line, I don’t think. 

Need to think up a new name for Mulder, I guess. 

I figured it out. David’s attacking the lines too vigorously rather than letting them breathe. I’m sure he’ll get there. 

Or Mulder and Scully were swallowed up by a black hole the second after they exchanged “Scratchy beard” niceties. Because that’s the last I’ve seen of them. 

But honestly? Clone. Lives. Matter. 

So, I shall fully support Clone Mulder and Clone Scully living their truth, expressing their lived experiences, and digging through each other’s brains like hairless capuchin monkeys dressed in skin-tight leotards.  

I was gonna say “horny, hairless capuchin monkeys” but I’ve not got a LICK of sexual tension between them this whole time. 

They do say married couples transition from goose-pimply “honeymoon love” to matured, knowing passion; but all I’m getting is the “knowing” and none of the “passion”.  

Right after my point, the two exchanged a little upbeat moment. I’ll give it that; but the passion’s still not there.

WAIT, this episode has the fox-in-the-wall scene? 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

I thought that was the doppelganger one. 

‘Kay. Color me intrigued. 

…WHAT is going on with these random, “comedic” scenes?

Desk clerk yells "Monster!", Mulder runs in, guy’s shaking over a bottle, makes up a story, tells Mulder to go back to his room “or I’ll kill ya.” Mulder nods and walks off. 

I’m not getting the fun of this episode, but I’m only 12 minutes in. So. 

Mulder’s snooping in someone else’s room. 

Mulder took someone else’s meds. 

Mulder found an animal head with hollow eyes that led him to a secret room behind the motel room. 

Heh, get it, he’s a Fox looking through fox eyes at Scully. Get it. 

I’m remembering bits from DD and GA’s commentary and how they were cheering him on in this moment. Someone should’ve told them this is Clone!Mulder. 

More proof this man finds burrows in the unlikeliest places:

The manager says he installed those peeping tom hallways after 9/11, and yes that’s being used as an excuse but there’s supposed to be a joke behind it, right?

For instance: Rocky from Jose Chung’s From Outer Space took some political hits, but the jokes were funny and well-written. Here, they're either badly written or… someone’s directing these actors astray. And I know Clone!Mulder and innkeeper man are good actors because they’re doing their best selling this material. Things still feel wonky, unfortunately. 

Mulder’s getting objectified again, Your Honor. He got closeted last episode, he’s “questioning” this episode, and he’s being stared at in his speedo. And he didn't mind one bit.

Innkeeper man’s got closets of his own, too. *badum tssssss*

HOW did Mulder’s phone get a picture of the Lizardman in his human form earlier? In the split-second he and Scully opened the potty stall before turning and continuing their search? I'll even grant that... but a CLEAR one?

Whatever, whatever, whatever. 

Clone!Mulder’s patched his disbelief during the insomnia upgrade.

Clone!Scully unleashed a beast but still wakes up and stays up to hear him ramble. (Here’s the “my Mulder” line and the could-have-been-a-Knick’s-T-shirt moment.)

I do have another nitpick: why is Mulder diatribing here-- trying to convince Scully it’s a werewolf when she’s been saying monster or creature from the get-go? Is it the “werewolf” claim that he thinks she’ll rebut? Or? 

I do like: Scully about to answer, then nearly smiling when Mulder cuts her off. Brilliant touch. Hats off to GA for that second of goodness. 

“‘It defies every known law of nature’-- exactly, Scully, every known law of nature!”

Mulder, she’s agreed with this point since Herrenvolk. She kinda did a mini speech about it. 

He doesn’t know how it came to be, but all he’s saying is, “it’s a MONSTER.” 

She’s ready to go back to the Unremarkable House already, Mulder. She just needed you to nerd out over monsters. 

Which… isn’t that actually the most Scully thing you’ve ever heard? Think about it: she wants to leave the Conspiracy behind, it’s eating her alive, she’s so sad and yadda yadda yadda. Darin says, “Hold up, this girl loves Mulder’s rants and raves” and makes her poke and prod him out of despair with a juicy creature case. And then (hopefully) reaps the benefits. 

Girl’s got a mission. 

And also, this doesn’t mesh at all with the Revival’s canon, but when has that stopped this crazy trainwreck? 

Why’s Scully calling him watered-down-for-FOX’s-approval crazy when she’s been saying creature this whole time?  Does she just… like arguing him? …That’s a stupid question, does she like arguing with him this much? …Again, that’s a--

Mulder spouts his theory, admits he stole stuff from another guy’s room, and tells Scully they can use his meds to track him down. “Well, that sounds like a good investigative plan.” In other words: “And you do so good at beach.” 

Now Mulder wants to go peeping around the motel, for the lols. 

Ken energy, I’m just saying. 

Alsooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not Mulder, sorry. He’d be curious, intrigued, perhaps roughishly amused by peeping tom corridors; but he’s never taken the time to search places inch-by-inch, top-to-bottom unless they directly related to the case. Is this a nitpick? Probably. But he’s flinging around broken FBI regulations left-and-right, carelessly reckless of all the rules and laws he’s breaking. Sure, Mulder’s a lawbreaker; but not to the extent that it would violate civilian rights. And even if it were fine, he’d be running off to the next lead instead of sticking around to snuffle through a useless one. 

The “Lizardman stabbing himself in the mirror with green glass to break the curse, not realizing it’s him” story doesn’t… really…. Darin Morgan’s writing crackfic at this point. 

Impotency jokes. 

Ahhh, the middle ages: you end up questioning things about yourself or having to pop pills one way or another. 

The comedy keeps failing, I think, because it’s trying too hard. This episode feels like a play (did I mention that earlier?) with dramatic pauses and etc. etc. Not really X-Filesy. 

The psychologist prescribes Mulder a pill (because Mulder believes the Lizardman’s a lizard man), then pops the pill himself the second Mulder leaves… which meansssss he believed, too? Though he doesn’t? 

I get he was supposed to be a crazy psychologist (ala Dr. Spiegel during the Johnny Depp trials), but, again, the comedy flopped. 

“Horny toad lizard man” works at a smart phone shop OF COURSE. Because that’s soooooooooooo clever! Modernization, crises of humanity and identity, get it??? 

Weremonster’s not offensive, but it’s… I’m gonna be honest, it’s not clever, either. 

Why does Scully wear her shirt open almost past her bra line now? Not shaming her, but that doesn’t seem a very Scully thing to do. I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking things. It was just her style, her way, her self-expression; and it feels smudged and lost in this version of Clone!Scully. 

At least she seems more naturally Scully, this episode. Which means she can only be natural in the funny episodes, huh. 

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. 

Mulder has a gold car? Mulder rented a gold car? There’s a gold car here that serves as middle-age-over-compensation commentary. 

Mulder chastises Scully about the danger of approaching a dangerous suspect without backup then runs off, get it, ‘cuz that’s FUNNY. 

I must have a heart of coal because I’m bored instead of tickled. It’s waaaaaaay better than being angry and tired, though, so. 

“I’ll take it” is giving this experience too many brownie points, so I’ll use “I’m resigned”, instead. 

Here we go, the part where the Lizardman voices Darin Morgan’s gripes with work culture (and I say that because Darin himself said he only works because he has to pay the bills. Which, fair enough, I suppose.)

Wait. Did Lizo Man go from a generic British to an Australian accent? 

Guy tries to stage a cop suicide by green glass at Mulder’s hands and…. I’m sorry, this is kind of a fever dream. I can’t even unpack that logic for some bizarre reason. 

Let me unpack that logic for some bizarre reason: 

Psychologist tells Lizardman the story about breaking the curse by getting stabbed in the appendix. 

It involves the realization that the Werelizard stares at himself in the mirror and realizes he’s the monster. 

Does… does that prevent him from committing suicide? The psycologist’s instructions remain murky. 

Lizardman’s fed up with existence. Decides enough’s enough and goes back to the cemetery. 

Mulder walks up and tries to get him to unburden himself. 

Lizardman tries to bait him into cop homicide by green bottle. 

…How in the world did he think that would happen. 

MULDER. LOST. HIS GUN. Which is probably a wink-and-nod by Darin of the good ol’ days when Mulder lost it constantly. 

This Lizard’s gotta know who Mulder is at this point, and that Mulder would track him down and find him. That’s my prediction. 

Mulder agrees to kill Guy Mann. Guy Mann calls him the only nice human he’s ever met. Of course cut back to Mulder’s face as he insists Guy tell him the whole story, first. 

Scully has no idea where Mulder is, does she. 

I knew the psychologist’s “other client thought he was a werewolf” would play into this. Heavy-handedly. 

The stupid, perfectly placed bush when Lizardman woke the next morning. I can’t even be mad at it. 

He took the not-nudist’s clothes, that explains things. 

The dialogue’s also kind of… juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvenile. 

Lizardman leaped over the natural order of human life by talking mad game, and Darin glosses over the details with “humans are the best at that.” Ooooooookay. 

Nope, that doesn’t work for me. Not if Lizardman joined a tech shop and got promoted to manager the next day. 

I feel like Darin hasn’t hung around iphone shops much. 

HE COMMITTED A MURDER BECAUSE HE ATE A COW IN A HAMBURGER. Really.

Was this lizard a vegetarian????? Because animals constantly break their own eating rituals if they’re hungry (deer eating baby birds, rabbits, and even human corpses, for example.) I doubt a creature of that size and strength existed only on vegetation, especially if there were food shortages during the natural course of its life (which happens in the wild.) 

But NITPICK ASIDE, he ate his first cow. 

…Why didn’t he go find a head of lettuce and chow down on it? Then realize he’s missing something, eat the chicken from the salad, then go on a meat-eating binge? That would have been kinda funny. 

Oh, he’s an insectivore. 

So, he’s a meat eater. 

And he--, uuuuuuuuuuuuugh--

Dude’s a protein eater via the carcases of other living things, not plants. 

Dude didn’t have consciousness until he woke a man. 

So it wouldn’t have mattered to Dude if he ate a cow, anyway, because he’s a carnivore and humans are omnivores. 

So what gives? 

“No one likes insects. Not even other insects.” SO INSECTS HAVE EMOTIONS, LIKES, AND PREFERENCES. YET, YOU ATE THEM. I don’t see sound reasoning for an ethical or moral stance here, Guy Mann. 

Lizardman spent the rest of the day helplessly watching… porn. Just couldn’t help himself. Uh huh. 

Dude, you were an animal YESTERDAY, with no association to human morays or social etiquette or guidelines or….

OH. That’s how the Scully scene plays into this. 

But then that scene’ll be shot because it’s played for jokes-- males wanting to overexaggerate their knotch count-- rather than a very real reality of animals with zero morals when it comes to their procreation habits. 

Let’s see if I’m right. 

Guys, this would have been funnier and-- there’s that word again-- clever if Guy Mann lived like a caveman for a few days then overheard some humans talk about job, bills, and etc. spiraled, thinking he would be stuck as a half-human forever, and resigned himself to the fate of every other human (through the lens of his lizard brain, heh.) 

It’s not supposed to be taken seriously, I know, but Darin always wrote plausibility into his previous scripts. This one feels like he didn’t try hard enough. 

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wow. 

Guy went to a "witch doctor"-- oops, “a psychologist”-- but stopped taking his prescribed meds because “it just clouded my thoughts” TO WHICH MULDER NODS IN UNDERSTANDING. 

Mulder gets it because, as an Oxford educated psychologist, he could diagnose the other psychologist (who shouldn’t be prescribing meds) as a wack job. 

Mulder stopped taking his meds. 

Which is what Scully asked if he’d done in the intro. 

Which means his depression’s gone away without his meds. 

Which means his depression’s either CURED, BOOM, or he never needed meds to begin with. 

Which means Scully misdiagnosed him. 

And left. 

OR Mulder stopped taking them and was on depression med withdrawal in the beginning of this episode, hence his melancholia…? 

‘Tis a mess. 

Only time to be happy as a human is to spend time in the company of a non-human-- YOU’RE AN ANIMAL. YOU’RE NOT A HUMAN. YOU JUST LOOK LIKE ONE FOR TWELVE HOURS A DAY. 

Also, Daggoo. Yup. There he is. Uhuh. 

Scully was robbed of her first dog by an overgrown lizard and robbed from another overgrown lizard in return. 

Daggoo was let out of the motel and ran off, and Mann felt crushing loss and grief (while looking not quite that) then ran into Mulder and Smarty K and ran to the toilet and got pap shot by Mulder and etc. 

(Also, he ran into the werewolf dude; and Mulder knows the urge to “strangle him and eat his flesh” when it comes to villains and their villainy.)

Hokey. That’s how I would describe this episode. Inoffensive, but new Scooby Doo.  

Wait, he threw his clothes off while witnessing the werewolf man eat another man (get it, it looked like animalistic sex) then but had them on again when Mulder ripped open the stall door and took his pants-down shot. 

What. 

Wait, Mulder’s up-to-day with transgender procedures and terms but not? familiar with gay bars? 

What, did he subscribe to a Queer Life email subscription between episodes, or is that too new-fangled? 

This episode doesn’t know what angle it wants to tackle for Clone!Mulder (forgot that nickname temporarily) and instead becomes a mix of everything at different strengths (that also change depending on which scene.) 

HOW did Guy Mann not recognize Mulder after Mulder took a picture of him on the port-a-potty??? And stuck around to ask him some questions??? 

“That was me, actually.” 

“I thought I recognized you!” 

So. He… diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid? 

OR it was a jackalope head on the wall?

No, wait, it wasn’t a jackalope, Guy Mann just misidentified the animal head on the wall-- and he’s “creeped out” by jackalopes ever since a friend got “gored” by them and GET IT, GUYS, THIS ALL LINKS BACK TO THE BASEMENT WHEN MULDER TALKED ABOUT MOTHMEN AND JACKALOPES. 

I swear, Mulder’s just trippin or suffering withdrawals from his depression meds. 

Scully said, “We have a creature case,” and he went home and dreamed this all up in a slime pit of sweat. 

HIS DEAD FRIEND GEORGE. 

SO THESE LIZARD PEOPLE HAVE NAMES????

THEN WHY’S HIS NAME GUY MANN?????????????????????????????????????

SO, they have friends and eat insects that have some form of consciousness and consider burgers to be cow murder. 

I need to stop thinking seriously about this plot. 

It’s pit stink Mulder thrashing around in his bed, smiling over speedos and peeping tom tunnels and Scully affectionately calling him crazy-- and that makes the most sense, honestly. 

“I think my phone isn’t working right because guy’s don’t send me pictures of their junk on it.”

More evidence that this was written not by Darin Morgan but by his middle school aged doppelganger, Marin Dorgan, who split from his body during the stress of having to write for the Revival. 

“Ever since I became a human, I can’t help but lie about my sex life.” Stupid. He’d need a Twitter account, first. 

Mulder’s back to doubting because the entire story’s too silly. To be fair, I do like this beat; and it does align (if you squint at it) with his journey out of depression. BUT it is all too silly, so… kinda think Clone!Mulder’s got a point. 

Mulder smiling over learning that Shakespeare called us all ignorant idiots is a nice touch which I shall now spoil: how did Guy Mann know that? Porn? 

“Fox, man, you’ve gotta put me out of my misery!” Get it, Fox Mann, Guy Mann? Animals, GET IT. 

“You wanted to arrest me for something I didn’t do. Who takes advantage like that? I’ll tell you: a human.” That’s the only comedic bit that landed, for me, and even then it was a lip twitch. His contained righteous indignation got through whatever made the rest of this the way it is! WHOO! 

The guys goes stomping off yelling “Monster!” behind him at Mulder to drive his point home, which drives Mulder to drink. 

“Mulder’s the monster, get it, because he doesn’t know what he is and is just willing to use other people for his own selfish ends?” the plot says, affectionately, with a giggle behind its hand. 

This is the scene where he collapses by Kim Manner’s tomb, isn’t it. 

ARE YOU KIDDING, MULDER HAS HIS THEME SONG AS A RINGTONE. 

MULDER’S HIGH, THAT’S IT. HE’S HIGH OR OVERDOSING ON HAPPY DRUGS, THERE’S NO OTHER EXPLANATION. 

Now that I know this is Ken Mulder’s delirium, it’s going to be interesting to draw unauthorized conclusions about his Alice in Wonderland hallucination. 

Aww, look, it’s Kim Manners. 

Mulder’s got his Patriarchy Pants' cheeks right on Kim’s face. 

Me, ten minutes into the Revival: “Maybe I’m just a fool, Scully. Maybe I always have been.” 

Can’t knock that line too much because it is a Mulder thing to think or say. 

And it still fits into my delirium scenario, so. 

Oh, Kumail’s been turned. Didn’t see that coming. The music’s suspenseful, too. That’s cool. 

There’s no way Mulder should figure this out, but he probably will. 

Oh, he didn’t. 

That’s good. 

Also, Scully’s: “Maybe I miss having a dog. And someone to hold my grudges for me,” could apply to her tendency to own dogs but it also might refer to Mulder who she let “curse God for a while” in her stead in IWTB. 

Also, where was THIS scene hiding? It’s really good. 

Ken Mulder’s hobbling, not running, to his car. ‘Kay. 

Wait, Kumail's not a werewolf?

And Scully's got it all handled???? 

Wait, NO, that makes no sense. AND IT’S ALL EXPLAINED AWAY WITH “I’M IMMORTAL.” what. 

Scully went to the animal control shelter because she suspected Kumail of being the murderer. 

She lingered with her back to Kumail, letting him have home court advantage. 

HE SLIPPED A NOOSE AROUND HER NECK. 

That’s it, she’s doneso. She’s a 5’2” woman that’s as light as a bird, there’s no way she’s topping a man, let alone one with a noose around her neck and distance on his side. 

Yes, I know this was because the transgender woman surprised Guy Mann with her punch, but that doesn’t translate to a stunning twist for Scully to also have the upper hand. She doesn’t have enough meat on her bones, and nowhere near the arm length to stop her attacker. 

Did Guy Mann show up and interfere? Help her out in anyway? Did the dogs rush in and tackle him until she could get up? 

IS SCULLY A DOG WHISPERER????? If so, why did Daggoo bite her????????

I will say: Kumail being the murderer really changes that one scene where he was sneaking up behind Mulder. 

And also… the fact that he worked for an animal shelter, since he started with small animals.

WAIT, this is a normal animal control shelter, yes? That’s what Mulder yelled into his phone, anyway. 

But… there were only dogs in the room when Mulder and the officers arrived. 

So. Scully is a dog whisperer, or she tackled Kumail, loosed all the dogs before he got up, and pinned him (impossible) until the cops arrived. I guess. Or the dogs were loose to begin with. 

Oh, and chickens.

Dogs and chickens. 

Dogs. And chickens. And goats. 

(Were ALL the animals loose??????)

Scully, the farm animal whisperer. A trait she must share with her Wyoming son. 

Welp. There goes that scene. 

Scully approached a dangerous suspect twice without backup (says Mulder, who was Kenning it out in the cemetery with the first dangerous suspect… and the second, if you count him running off and nearly getting offed by Kumail without his knowledge); and excuses it by saying Mulder needed “quality time” with his Lizardman. 

“Besides, I’m immortal.” 

That sounds like the prequel to another poor decision tattooed on your back, Scully. 

Mulder’s not soothed by this pronouncement (obviously), but realizes “If Guy’s story was true--” and runs off into the woods. Again. 

And Scully asks the dog if he wants to go home with her. 

And I question. Why a dog. Why that dog. 

You miss dogs but you didn’t have a tie to any particular dog. And this dog bit you. 

Because he’s Plot Relevant Dog. I see. 

“Woah, I’m not a reptile! That’s racist!”

No it’s not you silly, silly reptile with utterly unexplainable human knowledge and reflection. 

Also, another motif of Mulder just standing there watching another guy undress, casually. 

An aspect of Darin’s writing I hadn’t considered: Mulder knows things Guy does is odd for a normal human, but also knows this is normal for Guy and just goes with it, for his sake. 

Like a good psychologist. Like a decent human. 

But also, he has his limits. 

Also, get it, Mulder’s a man outside mankind, too, who just needs to find himself again. Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit?

“I want to believe,” Mulder says. 

Mulder just needed someone to say they’re glad to have met him, they’re glad to have him in their life. 

So. 

I guess Scully hasn’t said those words yet. 

Guy shakes his hand. 

Mulder watches, stunned, as Guy runs off to hibernate for 10,000 years-- another hallmark of Marin Dorgan’s writing. Ha ha ha, a knee slapper, that one. 

“Likewise,” Mulder whispers, overcome and disbelieving and renewed all in one. 

A nice little heartfelt, cheesy, sincere ending. 

CONCLUSION

What did I just watch? 

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

[peaches2217]

My first therapy appointment in several months went really well! I’m returning to the councilor I’ve had for a couple years now. I updated her on my transition journey because the last time I saw her was a couple weeks before I started on T; I told her about coming out to my dad last night, and how disappointing it was.

The ensuing conversation was both productive, and so fucking validating.

My recent depressive episode? Complicated by an event with a former friend, but set into motion, and dragged out for so long, because of the stress of what was to come. My voice has gotten too low to even PRETEND it’s just a holdover from being sick or part of allergies or what have you. I’ve known for the past month that the time to tell my dad was coming. The fear of his reaction and the consequences it could bring since I’m currently in a financially vulnerable place was killing me.

And as we talked, I figured out that the unpredictability is still my only real, big fear: my dad promised me he wouldn’t kick me out, but there’s that lingering fear that he could change his mind, and even if he doesn’t, he could start draining my paychecks — I told him my GAC, insurance copays and all, has been coming exclusively out of my pocket, so I get the sneaking suspicion he’s gonna take advantage of us sharing a bank account and deepen that financial dependency. And above all, I’m afraid of losing our relationship. I’m okay with him not accepting my identity so long as he doesn’t treat me any differently in spite of it. But if he starts pulling away or pushing me away or withholding love as punishment for following down a path he disapproves of, what then?

My counselor told me that, sad as it is, I can’t control how he chooses to react. But I have my mom and brother’s support, my girlfriend’s support, and an online community of friends; if I lose my relationship with him, that’s ultimately his decision and his loss, and no matter what he does, I won’t face it alone.

I had hoped that assuring him I felt God’s peace in my choices and that I’d spent years praying over the situation would at least sorta put him at ease, but all he did was infantilize and illegitimize my entire experience as guided by evil and selfishness. I can’t reason with him or come to a happy medium with him like I did with my mom. The faith he’s praised me for sticking close to he’s now decided is all lies and self-delusion simply because he doesn’t like the conclusions I’ve come to. Nothing I do will satisfy or convince him… so why waste energy trying?

I just have to live with his disappointment, and as much as it hurts, it’s also freeing. I’ve done all I can do. I don’t have to hide anymore. I don’t have to live with the stress of what will happen once he knows, because for better or worse, he knows now. If he doesn’t like it, so be it. I’ve laid my cards down, and how things progress between us is entirely up to him. When I put aside my stress over our relationship, I feel nothing but confidence and happiness and certainty. If he thinks this is a mistake… well, he’s gotta let me make my mistakes. I spent 20+ years not doing anything for fear of what bad might happen, and that left me a suicidal wreck by age 18. I won’t sit by and let ominous warnings and premonitions hold me back any longer. It COULD be a mistake, or it COULD be the best decision I’ve ever made. How will I know if I freeze up in fear?

My counselor noted several times that I look, sound, and act more confident than she’s ever seen from me. Without the pressure of keeping secrets, I’m able to more easily sort between what thoughts are mind and what thoughts my dad, my trauma, or both have planted in my head. I can say with my whole chest that I feel I’m going in the right direction. I can even say “Fuck it, my dad’s approval or disapproval is on him, not me” with greater conviction. I’m acting on things I’ve wanted from the moment we first spoke, and she says the positive change it’s made radiates off of me. She said she’s extremely proud of the progress I’ve made.

I’ll be seeing her again next week, then dropping down to seeing her every other week. In spite of how relatively poorly last night went, I feel empowered. God I’m so glad to be back.

[pigeonfaced]

Why are all the paintings I like of naked women?

Is it internalized misogyny combined with an obsession with my own vulnerability?

Has looking at a painting ever been edifying for me, or has it simply satisfied my shallow aesthetic tastes? Does it do more than make me think “Yes, this captures vulnerability and sensuality? It looks good and it validates that other people feel uneasy about their identities.”

Is “fine art” really more meaningful than kitsch or folk art—both provide me aesthetic satisfaction, but fine art perhaps make me feel less alone. However, it doesn’t tell me anything I already don’t know or make me feel anything I haven’t already felt.

Masterful technique does invoke awe. But is a great building or mosaic much different than a painting?

How much do I gain from again admiring in the brushstrokes the proof of the hand that produced them? Is it just knowing that other people are alive and driven to the same artistic practice? (Maybe, maybe, there is something to be said for unraveling the personality subtly revealed by the movements of the hand. But there are much more compelling ways to unravel personality.)

Music I can connect so much more easily to memories and stories and even polemics. I feel it more deeply too—it galvanizes my body, and I experience a much more varied array of feelings. I’ve never been enraptured by a painting the way I have by a song.

Did I ever care about painting, or did I just feel naked and alone?

Perhaps I’m being too fatalistic. I can’t dismiss the excitement I feel for work that celebrates the human form. Anatomy is amazing.

But fine art has become boring. (Animation still holds interest, albeit rarely).

I am afraid I am over what I once considered a major passion. My attempts at painting feel so one-note. I was driven by an obsession with my own image and insecurity that can lead to nothing profound.

I don’t think I need to paint again. But will I ever write again? There lies the real potential for intellectual and emotional exploration

(Two minutes after writing this I saw a (photo of a) painting, and I know I am overstating my dismissal of the art form. But I am also kind of over it. I am conflating argument. I had a narrow obsession with art that depicts the female body, but I like Joan Miro and think his aesthetics are provoking in some way. But I can only find it so interesting. I am just talking to myself and glad that thoughts are arising)

[bappledilk]

Rambling about labels.

Today, I’d like to talk about my opinions regarding labels.  It’s no secret that I use a lot of labels for myself, and some people may think the amount of labels I use is incredibly unnecessary.  Like… what even is the point of identifying as chronosian or aldernic?  I understand why someone might ask that, which is exactly why I want to make this post.  Here is a bit of how I feel about labels!

So, as we all know, you can’t change who you are, more specifically your identity.  Maybe you can change yourself physically, but you only do so to better align with yourself mentally.  Maybe this doesn’t go for every single person, but this is at least how I feel about my own identity.  If you’re trans FTM, you were always a boy mentally, you just needed to get your body there physically.  You’re a boy, that’s who you are and nothing could ever change that!

However, maybe you’re also xenogender.  Even though you feel closer to your actual gender as a boy, you still don’t feel “quite right”.  Maybe your description would match that of stargender, but instead of openly referring to yourself as a stargender man, you’d prefer to just call yourself a man.  Well, that’s totally valid!  But what about the people who do openly refer to themselves as xenogender/stargender men?  Well, that’s where the meaning of labels and choices come in.

Who you are is (typically) not a choice, but whether or not you decide to apply labels to yourself that fit with who you are?  That part is a choice.  As another example, I am xenogender.  Me not feeling like my gender fits the social expectations for what gender should be?  That’s not a choice.  But going out and looking for xenogender labels that fit me, then applying them to myself?  That part is a choice.

I don’t necessarily need labels in my life to be or understand who I am as a being… I was always that way, labels or not.  The thing is, making the choice of applying labels to myself makes me feel content and happy.  I enjoy feeling a sense of belonging, and like I’ve got everything about myself figured out.  As an organized being, I like putting different parts of myself into a box.  Labels help me understand myself even better than I would without them, and seeing them all together feels very satisfying!  It feels familiar, it feels like me.  Those are the reasons why I use labels, even the ones that seem unnecessary to others.

I hope this helps others who aren’t crazy about all these labels we have nowadays better understand how the rest of us feel!  Please note that I am not truscum and that’s not the point I’m trying to make with this post.  I’m not saying you can’t choose to be trans if that’s what you want!  I am just speaking generally here, and basing it off my own experiences!  :) <3

[just6f]

DORAEMON CERAMIC SUCCULENT FLOWER POT: EXPLORE OUR NEWEST ARRIVAL! It’s finally here -- introducing Doraemon Ceramic Succulent Flower Pot on our store, at $37.30. Here’s what you get when you buy our Cute Cat Stoneware Pot Balcony Potted Plant: Top quality that can't be beat A guarantee that you'll join our community of satisfied shoppers At-your-service customer support Learn more about our Doraemon Ceramic Succulent Flower Pot below. DORAEMON CERAMIC SUCCULENT FLOWER POT INFORMATION Material: Ceramic Sounds great! However, hurry up and ADD TO CART this breathtaking offer while it’s still valid! PRODUCT QUESTIONS & ANSWERS Do you manufacture the products according to all the necessary requirements? All our products, including the Doraemon Ceramic Succulent Flower Pot, meet the required standards. Moreover, you may look at the feedback from our previous customers, and make certain that you’re making the right choice! What variations can you offer? You can see all the available variations of our Doraemon Ceramic Succulent Flower Pot on the product page. However, before confirming your order, make sure to double check it. Is it actually affordable? Please, note that you’re unlikely to find an offer that is as tempting as this one. It’s only up to you to take the decision, but we’d like to remind that the number of goods is limited. Why does it only cost $37.30? We cut down the logistics costs and other managerial expenses so that our buyers could enjoy the lowest product costs possible. Can I post a photo of my purchase on social media? You don’t need our permission to post your photos with our products. So, feel free to do so if you will. I’m unsure that the Cute Cat Stoneware Pot Balcony Potted Plant will suit me. Can I ask for a refund if it’s the case? If there’s something wrong with your order or if it doesn’t suit you, we will return your money, so don't hesitate to contact us. ORDERING & STORE POLICIES Can you send my Cute Cat Stoneware Pot Balcony Potted Plant to an address that doesn’t match my residence address? It doesn’t make a difference which address you’re going to indicate. Because we will arrange the delivery to any address you specify. How do you pack the orders? We treat proper product packaging as our top priority because we understand how important it is for customers all over the globe to receive their purchases in perfect condition. Is the estimated shipping time accurate? One of our main business goals is to let you know the estimated delivery time as precisely as possible. At the same time, there might be some factors we’re unable to predict that can insignificantly influence the postal offices’ performance. I want another variation of the Cute Cat Stoneware Pot Balcony Potted Plant, but I’ve already placed an order! What should I do? There is nothing to worry about. You just need to contact our support managers and let them know about your issue, so that they could change or cancel your order. Ok, I really like the Doraemon Ceramic Succulent Flower Pot, but can you prove your shop is real? Thank you for the question. Please, pay attention to the feedback that our previous buyers provide us with. It clearly demonstrates our proper business record! Can I just go and buy the identical ones offline? Finding identical products in regular stores is possible. However, offline stores are common to resell the same Cute Cat Stoneware Pot Balcony Potted Plant for a higher price to compensate for their expenses. https://just6f.com/home-garden-korean-cartoon-doraemon-ceramic-succulent-flower-pot-creative-painted-cute-cat-stoneware-pot-balcony-potted-plant/?feed_id=6310&_unique_id=657452360483f

[luvuwite]

i was wondering, if it isn’t personal, can you share a bit of experience about being gender apathetic?

i’ve been interested in that label ever since i learned about it but i can’t find a whole lot of information about it besides the same simple explanations but not rlly anything else. since none of my questions could really be answered by reading about it. to put it short, i at least want to test that label out for myself but idk if it’s actually me since there’s a lot that i don’t know, like personal experiences and stuff. i even tried looking for tests online but they don’t exist T-T

one of the things i’ve personally been wondering the most is, is it valid to identify as gender apathetic if idm people viewing me as any gender, but i still view myself as a specific gender and have preferred pronouns? like i said i’ve tried to research abt this but i can’t find much TT

if you do answer this, i feel like pretty much anything would at least be a bit helpful (?)

thank u for taking the time to read this if you did!

(srry if there are any typos or anything, i’m in a bit of a distracted state of mind lmao)

OH NO NOT AT ALL :D i would love to (try) and explain it!

for me, i grew up pretty standard and satisfied with my gender identity which is a privilege not many people can get, i didn’t mind my gender and i didn’t mind being viewed as the other gender as well

this mostly came out as a realization i wasss a little different? is the best way i can say it? was when my family members would give me a major side eye in some of the gender neutral or masculine stuff i would wear (since yk i’m a GIRL) have it be as simple as a baggy sweater to me wanting to wear a tuxedo

i kinda grew up not understanding what the big deal was about gender identity, NOT IN A BAD WAY but in a way of why it was so serious to my family members that i’d wear “girly clothes” or wear something more “girly” when i generally just liked all clothing!!

eventually somewhere in 2020 i was with some old friends and suddenly a screenshot came up of the definition for “gender apathetic”, and i read it and i was suddenly really like. shocked of how much it literally resembled me HAHA i looked more into it and found out oh cool! i’m gender apathetic! and honestly it was as simple as that and i’ve been using the term since

that’s kinda the past of how my gender identity went, to how it is now, i’m honestly just really chill with people using any pronouns with me because i really don’t care much of my gender identity and i love the fact that i can still be seen as one pronoun than the other to some people! like i know i’m a girl, and i know the main majority of people refer to me as a girl, and that’s super chill ! but sometimes when someone calls me a guy i’m like oh that’s super cool too! and etcetc

my girlfriend sometimes refers to me as her boyfriend, and that makes my heart go WOOHOM WAHHHH but it wouldn’t mean any less to me if she referred to me as her partner/girlfriend either!

hopefully this helps :) let me know if i can help with anything else or can elaborate more!

[taking-thyme]

Lesser-known Signs that you might be Aspec

This applies to all Aspec identities like demisexual, aceflux, graysexual, lithsexual, etc … It is a companion piece to my older post about Arospec identities

Also, fair warning, this talks about sex a lot because that's the easiest way to know if you're not into it. If you know you’re sex-repulsed, this might not be for you. I apologize for that.

You make up reasonable excuses to stay away from sex, like saying it would hurt too much or you’re afraid you wouldn’t be satisfied

You tell others and yourself that you have more important things to focus on anyways, possibly without realizing that you’re just not interested in sex at all

You like the idea of sex, but shy away when it’s actually presented to you

You always feel deeply uncomfortable or leave during sex scenes in media

Your fantasies are a little off. Like when you see an attractive person you think about cuddling them or doing fun stuff with them but not actually having sex 

You get confused by what turns others on. Like, how do you guys get turned on by seeing a stranger or possessiveness? It doesn’t make sense to you

You just find sex absolutely disgusting to the point where you never want to do it

You’re only okay with certain types of sex, like exclusively oral, because that’s the only kind of intimacy you can tolerate 

Certain aspects of sex freak you out more than others, which is totally fine 

You want to be desired but not reciprocate anything sexually. This is totally okay. You can like being seen as sexy without actually wanting to have sex

You only think of having sex with people you can’t have, like fictional characters

You only consider sex after knowing someone for a really really long time and basically being best friends

One night stands and hookups confuse you

You’ve tried sex before but discovered it’s not your thing or didn’t like it, even for multiple different reasons

OR maybe you did like having sex, but have yet to find anyone else you really want to do it with

You greatly prefer taking care of your desires yourself instead of doing it with someone else 

You just plain don’t see the appeal of sex

You feel more aesthetic attraction than romantic. To you, people are like sunsets - they’re gorgeous, but that doesn’t mean you want to fuck the sun

Your opinions on sex vary wildly, but when given the chance you’d say No more often than not

You make up excuses to get out of sex or not have to talk about sex

You’d be “fine” with sex and go along with it, but don’t have any desire to do it yourself

You have sexual feelings but are completely fine not acting on them 

Lust confuses you, especially with the way people act during it. Why would they do something so gross or be unable to control themselves? It doesn’t make sense to you

You want a romantic relationship without the sex

You like sex in theory but not in practice

You worry when you’re in a relationship because it feels like sex is inevitable and you can’t avoid it, which makes you nervous maybe even to the point of breaking up

You like dirty jokes but not having sex which is absolutely valid

You find yourself relating to asexual memes a little too much

Sexual stories, gossip and rumors are unnapealing, boring or upsetting

You’d have sex but only if you’re 1000% sure nobody would ever find out about it

You don’t think about sex that often, or you’re known for having a very low sex drive

You give a lot of physical affection and get confused when people assume you’re trying to flirt or get in their pants

You really don’t understand why anyone would spend money on toys or items used for sex

Physical attractiveness doesn’t mean shit to you. If you ever do feel sexual attraction, looks don’t really factor in much

You know what your romantic identity is, but are confused because you still don’t want to have sex despite that

[ghostdrinkssoup]

hi! i’m kinda new to hannibal despite it being on my watchlist for six years sdfjsjhd. i still have three eps left till the end of the series and even though i already know what happens, i wanted to ask you - what did you feel when you watched the finale for the first time? were you surprised??

ps. i think your blog is really neat :)

hello and thank you !! dw I’m still pretty new to hannibal too, I first watched it in january I believe? but I’d been meaning to for AGES I’m such a fan of gothic horror + my film lecturer at uni liked a short I made in class (had to film a stalking scene using horror elements) and he was like “you should watch more horror stuff, it might help” and boom, here I am :D

anyway to answer your question: I really love twotl and how s3 was written in general !! the build up felt super solid and natural to me because will and hannibal’s arcs were super consistent throughout, especially will’s tbh. I talked to a friend of mine irl about it and she wasn’t a fan of his corruption, but personally I was so glad they went there with his character. his morality was the focal point of the whole show, and has been since the beginning, and as much as the external plot goal of catching the minnesota shrike, and then eventually the copycat killer/the chesapeake ripper, is what drives the story, the internal plot question (and interwoven character arc) is really an exploration of the nature of will’s empathy and ability to connect with psychopaths, and how that affects his identity and sense of self. so even though he eventually catches hannibal, s3b works because the question the story raised in s1 still hasn’t been answered. at first I was worried imprisoning hannibal was going to be a bad move story-wise because it resolves the plot goal before wrapping up the character arc, but was pleasantly surprised with how well it all worked. I think it has to do with the choice to have hannibal turn himself in rather than have will capture him directly, because that way they’re still in some sort of power struggle (“hannibal has agency in the world” and all that)

I think it’s why twotl hits so hard, because after all this time, and after all the ways these two have tried to hurt each other and free themselves of the other’s influence, whether it be because of hatred, or worse, because of love, they’re unable to end the conflict. and the audience knows that because we see them try over and over, and it just doesn’t work. in the end, a mutual surrendering to whatever they’re becoming seems to be the only solution. and it’s not even advantageous for either of them, like will tells bedelia that breaking hannibal out of prison isn’t some attempt to manipulate the situation to his advantage, it’s just “degrees of disadvantage” which makes sense because if he sets hannibal free he loses his family, his life, any shred of morality he has left, etc (“he who holds the devil, hold him well. he will not be caught a second time” / “I don’t intend for hannibal to be caught a second time”). and it’s great because it’s not a win for hannibal, either. “my compassion for you is inconvenient” evidences this well enough. it would be easier for him to kill will, and he could do it if he wanted to, but he just can’t. and it’s all just so satisfying because it makes sense. neither of these characters were set-up for moral redemption, so it feels right for their story to be tragic, and yet everything about it is so twisted and complicated and human, you know? they’re both so different by the end, and finally equal within their power play

and I was very fond of the ambiguity of the ending !! you could interpret the fall as purely metaphorical (fall from grace and into corruption) or it could be literal, or both. if you think they died at the end and bedelia cut off her own leg, only for them not to show up, that’s a valid (and wonderfully ironic) interpretation. if you think they survived and are now hunting together (with bedelia being their first victim) then that’s also equally valid. I think for a show that had to end due to cancellation, the creators made the right choice to leave the finale up to the audience to decide. it’s why I’m still unsure if I want a s4 because the story feels so complete? but I’m definitely not against it either if it ever gets picked up again :)

omg I ranted and wrote a whole essay response for you NDBSJHD this was fun though !! and I hope you enjoy watching the final episodes yourself :DD feel free to share your thoughts after if you want, I’m always interested to hear different interpretations !!

[theregoesmylurkerstatus]

So... I have a lot of thoughts on the finale. I've deliberately kept my mouth shut, more or less, on the campaign overall because I'm a firm believer that you can't pass judgement -- at least not complete judgement -- on stories until they're over and done with.

Well, it's done! Kind of crazy. I've been watching Critical Role with almost insane consistency, viewing almost every single episode live, with maybe five-ish exceptions, since episode 19, and I've been blogging it for, what, two and a half years?

It's a weird feeling. It's been such a constant thing for me that I'm always gonna have love for it and remember with a lot of fondness.

...Which is in spite of the fact that I can now comfortably say I'm pretty eh on the ending. I know not being positive about something most of us have loved a lot for a very long time can sting a bit, but I personally think it also stings when people relentlessly crow over how good they think it is or want it to be, to the point where you feel you can't voice your absolutely valid upsets or dissatisfactions. So, here goes, if anyone's interested! I'd be curious to see other opinions, too!

I actually drafted a post talking about my overall frustrations with the campaign a whole two weeks ago, and then scrapped most of it when 140 blew me out of the water. I was really touched, and really happy. I hadn't expected it, but it shockingly felt right, you know?

Unfortunately 141 robbed me of most of that satisfaction and brought me right back to neutral.

The blanket statement you have to make, of course, is that you can’t criticise this as a DnD game, and you can’t be mad at the cast for playing it in a way they think is best for them. They’re the players, Matt’s the DM, and in the end it makes no sense for them to try to make themselves act how they think the audience wants them to, and I’m sure most of the audience wouldn’t like the result anyway.

That said, there is an audience. And that’s where I see this clash coming in. As a DnD game, as long as the players and DM have all enjoyed it and been satisfied, it’s a successful game! But for us, it’s not a DnD game. For us, we’re watching a story be written in real time through the medium of an RPG. And while as a DnD game you can’t fault it, as a piece of media, I completely get why the way things have gone has sat weirdly for a lot of people.

It's not satisfying to see so many character hooks dealt with so quickly or left as an offscreen "and then you do it." If they don't want to keep playing to dive into it, absolutely, but for us who have been watching this as a story with all these character elements get so built up, it's a huge anti-climax.

Which is a lot of what this campaign has been, really.

Oh, Nott’s cursed! But through a really cool character moment that problem is completely taken care of with no consequences we see. Yay, I want her to be Veth and that was an iconic move from Jester! Still, it kind of feels like this was built up to be a big problem and at the first success it was let go... Caleb's got a really intense frightening past he tries to hide, I wonder how the Mighty Nein will respond? Oh, they found out, but it's not a difficult revelation for anyone. Looks like it's easy for them to move past it and forgive. Yeah, that's healthiest for the characters, but huh, kinda undercuts it as a storyline or point of interest. Oooh, Avantika’s back! Ah, they’ve killed her and grabbed the eye again. I mean I don’t want them to die or for Uk’otoa to be free, but I’m starting to feel like that’s not much of a threat anyway. The Traveler’s been kidnapped! Nah he hasn’t, he tried to save Jester so he was let go with no further issue, and also he wasn’t actually in any danger anyway. Oh... Cool. So... Why should I care or be worried?

And these are just the biggest ones I remember being kind of let down by. I wanted to see them STRUGGLE for the successes to have meaning. To my view, threats of failure -- real failure -- really decreased the more the campaign went on, with a few exceptions.

Because don't get me wrong, we've definitely had struggles, and those have made for some of the best moments! Molly’s death, Yasha’s kidnapping, Yeza’s imprisonment. When failures that were threatened are allowed to occur, it’s far more gratifying when it’s followed by success, because you understand that that success was actually necessary. It shows us that what they do really means something.

Honestly, that's why the final battle really shut me up, because nothing makes you quite feel stakes and failure like having two PCs die, and having a resurrection ritual fail -- AND knowing that failure would be delivered on, had it not been for a seemingly miraculous roll of the dice to turn it around. One of the greatest failure's -- Molly's death -- made the success of his resurrection put a lot of my other issues to rest immediately, because to be honest? Molly's resurrection was the biggest success of the campaign, exactly because it was originally the biggest failure.

But this episode, we got to see the other side of making threats and successes feel disappointing -- when you get the impression that success was robbed from you. Again, their characters, their choices, but to have them roll an intervention to get Molly's soul, to convince Molly to come back with his own possessions they've so loved, after so long and so many struggles... only to apparently not get Molly at all?

Changed, of course. Memories, maybe he'd never get them back, though that seems inconsistent to how the initial resurrection was played and Matt's hints. It even makes sense that not having his memories and being a bit different, he might forge a new identity, but insisting Molly was a different person entirely after such a supposed hard won success to get Molly back, especially after what his death meant to the audience and potentially healing that old wound? It robs the narrative of a LOT of catharsis, at least for me and I know many others.

Trent, too, I'm very up and down on. He was so built up -- and what fun that build up had -- and I very much disagreed with the idea that the best story would be dealing with him offscreen.

It's true that you don’t need to explicitly address, confront, or explore every big aspect of character's story hooks and background ties for PCs to move past them and grow healthily. But that does not make it a satisfying viewing experience. People quietly healing in real life is healthy. People quietly healing in an explosive fantasy setting is frustrating for the audience.

What on earth is the point of a story if you don’t get to SEE THE ESTABLISHED CONFLICTS go anywhere? A lot of the characters got distant, quiet resolutions, if that, to everything we wanted to see.

Except, we did get to see Trent. It was a really fun, inventive battle, from opening to conclusion, but much like Travelercon, much like Nott's/Veth's problem with the hag, these were things that the audience in general wanted to see be really dug into and explored, and every single one of them got, in my opinion, quickly tidied up instead. Trent got beaten in the first and only proper battle they had with him, which, after all his build up, is pretty disappointing for a villain many of us wanted to see be a big deal. It really just felt like they were trying to tidy up to get on with the epilogue, which is not what a lot of us were looking for with Trent especially.

And that's how most of their endings felt to me. It didn't feel like any of them had reached a comfortable conclusion. Literally all of them, bar Veth and Caduceus, continued on their character journey threads, without each other and very quickly. Meeting Yasha's tribe and Vandran, Caleb finally openly debating changing time for his parents, Trent and Zeenoth's trials and the changing of the guard at the Assembly... All were things it would have been so fun to have all the PCs react to and explore together, and instead they were fleeting encounters in the latter half of a seven hour finale.

Is all this, from Molly not really coming back to Trent being a finale side plot to the Nein continuing on their individual journeys, potentially realistic to how these fantastical things might go down in real life? Sure! But that's not necessarily a good thing.

Stories THRIVE on conflict and resolution. That’s what makes them FUN! Conflict isn’t nearly so fun in real life and resolutions are often frustrating question marks, so no, past a certain point I don’t WANT stories to be realistic. I want stories to be SATISFYING.

And campaign 2 has fallen far short of the mark.

I haven’t spoken... Basically a word of this for most of the campaign, because as I said I’m a firm believer that you can’t necessarily judge something until it’s over, and because I ALSO firmly believe that being negative WHILE trying to enjoy something is counterproductive. I have had no interest in spoiling or naysaying the fun of the campaign for anyone, least of all myself.

But it's done now, and all I can say is... I really have had fun. I love the characters. I love their relationships. I’m pretty okay with where they’ve ended up. I’m not mad, really, and I’m still going to think of this campaign with a lot of affection. But it hasn’t been a satisfying story, even though for a week following episode 140 I thought, despite all the brushed over story threads, it might be.

So... to try and reclaim some of that satisfaction for myself, I might ignore some aspects of the finale proper. Namely Kingsley specifically. Taliesin's choice -- but to me, it's pretty clear that who we saw at the end of 140 was Molly, and the tags on my posts will reflect that, just as my 141 tags will be for both Kingsley and Molly, for clarity's sake. I personally want to believe Molly did come back, however others might want to interpret it. The victory in 140 that meant so much to me is hollow otherwise, and it just kind of hurts that we would lose Molly after everything. I was okay with him being dead -- I'm not so okay with his resurrection being stolen.

Kingsley will always be canon, but Molly is what I choose to acknowledge. I get if you don't like that take, and that's okay! I didn't care for canon's in the end. That's the good thing about storytelling, is that no one can stop you from making your own versions.

For the people who are hopefully hyped for campaign 3, heck yeah have fun! I’m on the fence. My investment, which... I think I can objectively say was pretty substantive as this blog will attest, doesn't feel rewarded, so I’m not convinced I can faithfully keep up for over three years all over again with a strong possibility that I will once again be left disappointed. It's been a huge chunk of my life, and... yeah!

I’ll take a break, probably, view (and liveblog, if people want!) campaign 1 when I’ve had a mental stretch and vacation, and then... I might start campaign 3. I definitely won’t be able to put the same time in it I did campaign 2 (my first love no matter what), knowing that it’s likely to not be so vindicated, in the end.

I swear I’m actually writing this in fairly good humour, but I totally get its always disappointing when the people you come to for fandom enjoyment just aren't sharing your fun. Honestly I’m half tempted to write all those frigging AUs I have sitting around! But I wanted to say my piece, and try and logically outline why this ending has been lacklustre for so many people, ultimately myself included.

Episode 140 felt right because it felt like a natural conclusion -- these disparate people coming together and finally being whole, finally soothing the hurt that MADE them so long ago. Episode 141 spat on that sentiment -- they all scattered to the winds, not as happy people to live out their dreams, but as confused people chasing up loose threads towards an unknown future, with the friend they thought returned still lost to them, ultimately.

It doesn't feel like the ending we should have gotten for the Mighty Nine, who were finally, finally all together. Until they weren't. So to me? I choose to acknowledge that they were, even if I have to force it to happen post-epilogue in my head.

[mittensmorgul]

it’s a bummer to see you can’t enjoy the ending. I hope someday you can come around it it. It wasn’t perfect but it didn’t nuke its integrity. i think the heart of the show really shines through and it’s a shame that it’s not being appreciated bc there’s so much shipping drama 😣

Hi there!

I... first of, I really need people to understand this... the travesty of the finale for me has almost nothing to do with “shipping drama.”

Yes, I see the wild conspiracy theories flying around, and I’m honestly concerned for some of those folks and hope they can find a way to make peace with this in whatever way they can, because we aren’t likely to ever get a better answer than that this is legitimately the ending that Dabb thought was best, despite years of us seeing the best of his writing choices and guiding Sam, Dean, and Cas to grow past the roles that Chuck would’ve forced them to fulfill, and that at the end it fell flat because he couldn’t actually come up with a better ending than “this was always their destiny, free will is a lie, and these characters had nothing outside of the revenge quest they’d been raised for since birth and manipulated into over and over for the entertainment of a vengeful god.”

I can see how “surface level” viewers would feel that this one basic narrative point was satisfying, that Sam and Dean had grown beyond their own hopeless cycle of self-sacrifice that had driven the narrative for so many years. The fact that they both acknowledged that they should allow their stories to end in that way was satisfying... but only in the shallowest and most detached read of the narrative. Like, is this really the ONLY thing these two characters learned in the last 15 years? If so, that is BEYOND depressing af.

And even THAT message lost all narrative weight when the two of them were once again reunited in death, as if nothing else had ever mattered in their lives. As if neither of them had ever outgrown the codependency that had driven so many of those previous self-sacrifices and refusals to let go of each other even in death.

So yeah, in the absolute most basic sense, I suppose I can see how casual viewers or people who aren’t actually invested in these characters could find that at least narratively coming back to a starting point.

But narratives don’t actually work that way, and that’s not the point of watching fifteen years of story develop in between.

This story wasn’t JUST about Sam and Dean needing to accept that death might be okay actually.

This story was also about free will, fighting for humanity as a whole but also their OWN humanity and self-identities. In Dean’s case, the absolutely transformative growth from feeling like nothing but a hammer, a killer, a tool to be used. And then less than an episode and a half later, after finally accepting that truth into his heart and using it to defeat the original creator and reclaim the story of his own life for himself... he gets pied in the face after flippantly talking about his destiny and having no choice, and then three scenes later he literally dies impaled on a great big nail... like a hammer...

So I would kindly ask folks who feel satisfied by that shallowest possible takeaway of this episode, and maybe invite folks to look just under that surface. Try to understand why loads of us will NEVER feel satisfied with this ending, and why it truly does feel like the most hopeless version of the story. Like even in defeating Chuck, they could never be allowed to own their own stories and what happened to them after that point was just a twisted version of the “destiny” that drove Chuck’s entire plotline for them anyway.

Please understand where we’re seeing this as horrifically painful irony rather than some beautiful circular narrative about letting go.

For a lot of us, the shipping stuff would’ve been the cherry on top of the sundae. We would’ve been happy with a scoop of plain vanilla, though. We would’ve been happy for anything that honored the journey to freedom, and the choice at any sort of a different life of their own making than literally falling back on a nail fighting off one of John’s unresolved hunts and a vampire who had literally never been named in canon before, yet who Dean instantly recognized somehow... 

but sure, for those of us who felt that “the heart of the show” was all the stuff that the finale actually erased-- that “family don’t end in blood,” and that this was actually not a show about just two brothers but the love of their found family and coming to terms with the choices they actually HAD made for themselves versus the narrative that Chuck kept centering them in DESPITE what they would choose for themselves, the finale basically told us no, everything you ever found of value in this story actually meant nothing. It told us that Chuck’s story for them was their only truth in the end, and their only freedom was to be found in death.

Please, I am begging people, stop trying to gaslight us that this was some beautiful ending. Maybe think for a second that “your read” of the narrative that allows you to find peace with the ending is not what we saw and loved about this story for the 326 episodes leading up to this finale.

And please try to understand that we were not wrong to see the entire narrative through this lens. Because we were literally validated IN CANON, and told that we understood the depth of the story and the characters just fine, actually. There’s literally ONE episode of the entire series that burns it all down in a bewildering pile of wtf. And that’s #327. That throws that entire read out the window to well actually us all back into Chuck’s literal ending... This was literally the ending Chuck wanted to force them to enact for him, and it’s what ended up happening even after they defeated him-- the ultimate Big Bad of the entire series should’ve been defeated, but instead he pulled off one final victory over the entire story.

Becky: No. You can't-- Chuck: I did. Becky: Y- This is just an ending. Chuck: Yeah. I don't know how I'm gonna get there, but I know where I'm goin'. Becky: B-But it's so... dark. Chuck: But great, right? I can see it now -- "Supernatural: The End". And the cover is just a gravestone that says "Winchester". The fans are gonna love it. Well? Becky: It's awful! Horrible. It's hopeless. You can't do this to the fans. What you did to Dean? What you did to Sam? Chuck: There, see? It's making you feel something. That's good, right?

and

Dean: Well, what now? You're not gonna dust us. Chuck: Oh, yeah? Why not? Dean: Because you're holding out. For your big finish. Yeah, we know about your galaxy-brained idea, how you think this story is gonna go. Sam got a little look into your draft folder. Chuck: Sam's visions -- they weren't drafts. They were memories. My memories. Other Sams and other Deans in other worlds. But guess what. Just like you, they didn't think they'd do it, either. But they did. And you will, too. Dean: No. Not this Sam. And not this Dean. So you go back to Earth 2 and play with your other toys. Because we will never give you the ending that you want. Chuck: We'll see.

And even in DEFEAT Chuck thought he understood these characters, thought that having rendered him powerless they would finally take their revenge and kill him, but they didn’t, because he never actually understood these characters at all. And the story he tried to force them into from day one was never about THEM, it was about HIM. 

And then Dean gets like two whole days of freedom and choice and is apparently incapable of making any of the choices that don’t throw him immediately back into Chuck’s favorite story. Like none of that resolution in the previous episode meant anything at all. He even SAYS it in the finale:

Dean: Yeah, no. I think about 'em, too. You know what? That pain's not gonna go away. Right? But if we don't keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing.

And then two scenes later the show gives us the Nelson Muntz HA HA and Dean is no longer living, and Sam is left to carry on as a shell of himself and wander off into Blurry Wife Land to devote any even remotely content moment of the rest of his years to raising a  Replacement Dean to fill the void, and is never able to pick up the pen to write anything better of his own life than Chuck would’ve dealt him in the first place.

So I’m glad that top-layer takeaway is sustaining and enough for you. It wasn’t, and will never be enough for the rest of us.

What was actually real in all of this? We were.

Until we weren’t.

And that’s honestly a shit message to be pushing on people in the wake of it all. So please stop.

I should actually thank you for the kind intent with which your message is phrased, but that doesn’t make it feel less hilariously awful. Though I chose this one to reply to as the least insulting of all the messages currently in my inbox on this subject. So thanks for that, at least.

[armillary-spheres-lover]

Fake Individuation

Imagine this. You’re an enneagram Five.

You feel the need to hide from the world. It would suck up all your energy. You feel the need to occupy as little space as possible, so that the world won’t make any demands on you. You feel the need to close off and keep the world at a distance. The world is just so demanding. It tires you out - physically, emotionally, mentally. You retreat in your cocoon, where you feel safer. You observe the world from the outside.  You vaguely wonder what it’s like to roam around freely and occupy as much as space as everyone else seem to be doing naturally. Then you decide that you’re better off staying where you are. At least here you don’t feel invaded all the time. You remember vividly the times in the past where you felt invaded, or can remember if you try hard enough. It felt overwhelming. It felt like you were being teared apart, dissipating, disappearing. Like you were nothing and no one. It hurted. It hurted so much you now just closed off the entire world out, so as not the end up in that situation again. It somewhat makes you nostalgic, because you feel like you’ve given up on love. But if that’s what it takes to be an individual and find yourself again, then that’s fine. That’s fine, you tell yourself. Rather than reliving that nightmare, giving up on love is fine, you say. So you catch yourself resisting. Resisting to the flux, resisting on giving up yourself again to that person who seemed to demand too much out of you, who spoke with you gently and wanted to make you feel seen. Resist, resist, resist. Resist the impulse of giving yourself up. Maybe in the past this need was almost neurotic and brought you regret. Resist - that’s the way you find a sense of self, almost. What are you resisting? What are you trying to avoid to be impacted by? Why do you try so hard to isolate and find a sense of self? Deep inside you know. It’s because you feel so desperately the want and desire to be loved and to love that it’s overwhelming. You fear you may give yourself up too easily if you were to just give a tiny tidbit of yourself to the world. If you accept feeling seen once you’ll want to be seen over and over again. If you accept to be loved by someone you feel like you may end up being engulfed by that love and to lose yourself in it completely. But you need to resist that impulse, so that you won’t lose yourself. Why do you need to resist so much? Because you would otherwise lose yourself in the flux of reality and people. Because you would otherwise be invaded by the world, pulled in, lose control of yourself, your wants and desires. Yeah, maybe this is all a recurring theme of yours, I can’t possibly know. You realize your little bubble and space is indeed related to the outside world, in the sense that you’re resisting to be involved by it so much. Maybe one day you’ll be able to be involved and touched by it like everyone else. Maybe one day you’ll be able to love and be loved again. But right now that sounds a little terrifying, truth be told... If you were to be described like a lonely rover on Mars you would giggle, thinking that’s cute and makes you feel independent and all, but also... deep inside you feel it’s actually kind of sad, and you wish there was a way to at least keep some kind of contact to the earth.

I don’t know how to break it to you but this is all Enneagram Nine. Throw out the window all the generic descriptions about being a fucking doormat.

From here:

“9’s aren’t consciously afraid of being separated. They are just unconsciously always in a place where they naturally become everyone/everything. The gut centre focus is on ego boundaries and 9’s have a fluid one. This can often cause 9’s to consciously revolt against this natural process and crystallize some kind of separate identity. In a way, 9’s can end up being the most stubborn about exactly “who they are” as they try to keep their feet firmly on the ground in terms of their own ego boundary. So when a 9 reads that the core fear is “fear of loss/separation” they might think, “Hell, I’m the opposite.” 9’s often equate being different/unique with ego boundaries. I often catch 9’s mistyped as 4’s using specific language that points to type 9. For example they might say that they are just trying to be themselves as if the world is forcing them to be otherwise. This implies that there’s a natural propensity to lose themselves in others that’s essentially unconscious and they are fighting against that impulse and desperately want the validation that they are in fact a specific separate personality. It is in our nature as social beings to want our own unique identity.“

What are Fives then? Are they really actually SEPARATED THAT much? Like they were “a lonely rover on Mars” and GENUINELY happy by that idea? Apparently yes. “Oh but that’s unhealthy” yeah it is, from your Nine point of view of wanting to be connected to someone/something/reality. I don’t know much about Fives but if your enneatype is UNCONSCIOUS and its desires are as unconscious as mine as a Nine are, then yeah, they are genuinely happy by that idea and don’t think themselves of “getting over it” anywhere near the future, or ever, for that matter. Is it difficult to imagine a person like that? I guess. Fives are rare, in fact. “Oh but everyone wants to be loved by people deep inside” I don’t know? But that may be untrue in that most people are Nines so it makes sense that “oh but everyone-” and Nineish stuff actually follows. They may want/find love but it will only be in their rigid terms... and certainly not in the form of being liked by people in general or whatever. Having a repressed need to be liked by people around you is just not Five, sorry. “Oh but who wants to be hated/disliked by people around them?” I don’t know, some do I guess. There’s many people in the world not everyone will work like you do. Fives are rigid about what they want and how they spend their time. As I tried to connect with people, I was kind of malleable - I mean, not too much, in that I wanted to respect myself and my space, but I still had very little expectations from others coming in and was willing to adapt.

I felt like I was “growing and getting healthy” as I started to connect with people more and more, and in a way I am, but the main thing is that I’ve been satisfying my Nine desires more and more through the years. Allowed myself to recognize those desires and do something to satisfy them. That’s nice, but that’s Nine. Even an healthy Five wouldn’t be as happy to give away their time like that or something idk

The happiest times in my life where those where I felt connected to reality, to my own life and to the people around me. I struggled to get that feeling for a long time, truth be told. And when I got it, I was afraid I could ruin it. That sounded basic but apparently it really is just Nine. I heard a podcast with a couple Fives in it and it was just mindblowing how differently they operate lmao..... I mean when I first heard it I still thought I was a Five but I was sad and hurt at the idea of being lost in space and disconnected THAT much from everyone and everything. That was Nine kicking in. Fives aren’t that scared of this - actually, they want this. Again, unconsciously - like they don’t even notice it. I did notice when I retreated myself in my cocoon, on the other hand.

I know you’re upset but please. Please. This was all so freeing for me to realize. It helps you so much. Please don’t dismiss it saying that idk I’m generalizing too much or that this can apply to Fives too if fixes and variants are taken into account or whatever. Please stop making excuses and saying “oh but these two types are so similar” they’re not, like at all-

[dani-reads-bookish-things]

My take on Azriel’s POV

Long post incoming but if you’d like one psychologist’s take on Azriel, please keep reading! This is my first time posting. I came to the fandom ~2.5 years ago, and I thought that everyone had said everything that needed to be said at the time but with a new book, I’m very interested in participating in the fandom theories and interpretations!

So I’m a psychologist and part of my job is to take data and interpret what I think it means. I have a specific set of lenses that I look through, and am I sometimes wrong? Absolutely, but that’s something I always disclose, that it might be trial and error, I try to make all the information make sense, and ask for feedback. I am also always very intentional with my language and word choice in my work. I am by no means trying to say I have the best grasp on mental health or think that my viewpoint is 100% accurate, but I just want to explain some of the psychological things and writing choices that stood out to me.

I think the thing that has bothered me most is people being upset and uncomfortable with Az’s POV and how he views Elain. More so because I think it’s a misunderstanding, but of course, everyone is entitled to their own interpretation and reactions.

SJM is always intentional about what she does so I was curious as to why she left out emotional/romantic words and writing in Az’s POV and maybe that is what bothered others about it (it didn’t bother me, give me more horny Az please). He didn’t express any longing or emotional/romantic feelings towards Elain (and neither with Gwyn and I’m not going to discuss shadow interaction at all because that’s a whole other post). His behavior, to me, definitely did convey longing and romantic interest though. I wouldn’t say it was normal, but it wasn’t abnormal that he keeps the medicine gift on his nightstand and stares at all the time and hasn’t used it once. It’s meaningful to him in some way (I have my own interpretation as to why but I’ll leave that out for now and just focus on what it does mean behaviorally). He pleasures himself in the dark of night with thoughts and images of Elain after even his Shadows have gone to sleep (which I interpreted to mean that he doesn’t want this separate entity but also part of him to know about how he wants and desires Elain).

I think Azriel, who has a history of not feeling worthy of his romantic interests per Mor, doesn’t allow himself to be hopeful for himself. As he’s contemplating kissing Elain he thinks, But he could have this. This one moment, and maybe a taste, and that would be it. To me, Azriel just wants this one moment of happiness and to give into his desires and then he’d be satisfied for the rest of his life (I don’t think he would, but it still says a lot about how he views himself and what he wants out of life IMO). So I think he hasn’t allowed himself to fully be hopeful and give into the growing feelings for Elain because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of her and doesn’t believe that they could actually have a relationship for whatever reasons (mainly the mating bond it seems, could be more to it). After he leaves Rhys, he thinks, He'd been so vigilant about keeping away from Elain as much as possible, and had stayed up here to avoid her, and tonight...tonight had proved he'd been right to do so. So some internal belief he had (that is most likely untrue because that’s how anxiety works. Not that anxious feelings aren’t valid, just that we overthink or think things will be worse than what is actually real), was “proven” right to him.

Furthermore, when Rhys says, “So you’ll what? Seduce her way from him?” (Another word choice example that stood out and bothered me (but is intentional), as if Elain belongs to Lucien, which in this world with the mating bond, it is seen this way, but I think Elain would disagree with Rhys.) the book says Azriel said nothing. He hadn't gotten that far with his planning, certainly not beyond the fantasies he pleasured himself to. I’ve seen plenty of people cite this is as more evidence of Elriel not being endgame because Azriel hasn’t thought of a future with Elain. But if we continue down the trail of the psychology of Azriel, I think it’s more representative of him NOT allowing himself to go that far, because if he dreams and fantasizes about this grand love story with Elain, and then it doesn’t come true? That’s more hurtful for someone like him, to have dreamed and lost, than to have never dreamed at all.

So it just bothers me when people say “Elain and Az are so toxic, he definitely needs to be with Gwyn, and she can help him better than Elain could.” Um no, Az the is common denominator in all this (insert TikTok sound: We are not rehab for broke men), so neither of these girls should be seen as more worthy or better for him. Az needs to work through this on his own and unlearn the mental pathways he has in his brain, and if either girl is by his side and makes him realize things, good. But they are not in any way responsible for his mental well being and recovery, they can definitely help if they wish to.

I don’t want to say that that Az’s behavioral/mental patterns are unhealthy as in it’s bad (because that conveys judgment in my world and I try to stay away from that language unless something is clearly unhealthy), but I think you could say it’s not healthy as in it’s not good. Because I don’t want people to believe that people who have this mind frame or mental pathways (because I’ve seen children and adults that demonstrate this mindset) to think that it is wrong or bad, or that they can’t have meaningful relationships while they have this mindset, because it’s possible for people to have meaningful relationships and be on the road to a healthier mindset simultaneously, but definitely something that needs to be worked on so that relationships to be more successful and have less barriers.

Because also saying that he can’t be in a relationship with Elain (while simultaneously pushing a relationship with Gwyn, and I know this isn’t all of Gwyn and Az supporters) also then disparages all the characters and relationships that SJM has ever written. All of her characters are processing trauma and feelings when they enter relationships. These relationships aren’t perfect which is what makes them realistic. When Feyre accepts the mating bond with Rhys, she tells him, “I want you to know that I am broken and healing, but every pieces of my heart belongs to you.” Azriel’s mental state does not make him any less deserving of a relationship. In the real world, is it best for sometimes to take time for yourself, maybe go to therapy? Yes, but this faerie world, therapy the way we know isn’t an option and so healing happens in different ways and through relationships.

Do I believe Elriel is endgame? I so want to believe it because I think both Elain and Az compliment and balance each other. Other people have made glorious posts on this, so I won’t go into it. But I think Elain’s journey and book would focus on her identity, standing up for herself, being the person who she wants to be, going for what she wants, being more than just a pretty face and seen as someone who needs to be protected all the time; which I think is something her sisters AND Azriel need to learn (Yes, it was cute and made me squeal when Az told Amren that there was a darkness to the Trove that Elain should not be exposed to, but buddy, Elain is going to surprise us all, you included).

So if this is route that is taken, I think Azriel could learn a lot from Elain being that optimistic fighter and believer in love, that no mating bond itself is going to dictate who she can want and can or can’t have. Because whether she ends up with Lucien or Azriel, the only thing I believe is certain is that the mating bond with Lucien will be addressed, and that will require her standing up for herself and being clear about what she wants.

[lovepox]

hi it’s my yearly tumblr update lmao. hope someone is still out there reading. sorry this one’s going to be kinda a downer.

can’t believe the pandemic is still a thing. i can’t believe i was naive enough to think it would be over soon when it began. i mourn the person i was before the pandemic; i’ll never be the person i was before ever again. i was so full of hope and ready to really begin living, and now i’m so, so cynical. i’m cynical because it hurts to read news of police violence and racially motivated violence over and over again, knowing that it won’t be the last. i’m cynical because people around me care more about their right to not wear a mask over others’ wellbeing.

i find myself desperately grasping at any chance of external validation i can get. am i talented enough, pretty enough, funny enough, unique enough? how do i get more followers on xyz? am i getting enough likes on this one design of mine? why aren’t i as talented as xyz?

now more than ever i miss having an online community to go to after hours. i miss having mutuals and connecting with people online. the only people i talk to now are my parents, my college friends (but we’re all so busy), and my coworkers.

speaking of coworkers, i’m starting a really cool new job on monday. it’s such a good opportunity for me and i’m so so so so grateful and humbled to be able to say that. but the thing is, i used to think that the moment i get my dream job at my dream company, i’ll finally be satisfied. but now that it’s sort of happened, i’ve realized that a job at the end of the day is just a job. and when all the titles and portfolio pieces and big names are stripped away from my identity, i’m left with something that resembles a drone. and that scares me. i don’t want to be just my job, but my job is all i know how to do well.

okay this post is too depressing. here are some things i’m happy and thankful for: - my entire family is fully vaccinated! - my friend is doing really well on her twitch channel and i love seeing friends do what they love to do - my best friend is coming home next month and i’ll get to see her - i’ve been trying to walk 10K steps a day and the sunshine/vitamin D really helps my mood - my new job is going to be such a good learning experience - i’ve finally upgraded my phone for the first time in 5 years

i turn 24 next week. i’ve spent 23 in quarantine. (i’ve been on tumblr since i was 13.) this wasn’t what i expected my early 20s to look like. but if the pandemic has taught me anything, it’s that there are just some things that are out of your control, and that’s okay.

i hope 24 year old michelle finds a nice community to be a part of, and develops who she is as a person, and not as an Art Director at XXXXX working on XXXXX.

[wuxiaphoenix]

On Writing: Identity Shenanigans

Secret identities. Hidden dark pasts. The orphan who turns out to be the king’s son. And all kinds of disguises, from the classic hastily-borrowed enemy uniform (see Raiders of the Lost Ark for problems with that) to carefully impersonating another sex, culture, or even species. Writers and readers love identity shenanigans.

With good reason. Humans are social animals, meaning significant parts of our identities are socially constructed. By our culture, by our families, by the reactions of people around us and our reactions to them in turn. The nature vs. nurture debate is probably going to go on forever, but no one can deny that nurture plays a significant factor. Someone who’s never had the chance to pick up a sword will likely never be a master swordsman, even if his birth parents were a dojo master and a legendary assassin; on the other hand, even the clumsiest child adopted by acrobats is likely to learn something about tumbles and handstands, if only through sheer stubborn imitation and repetition.

Yet because we construct so much of our selves, we have a deep fascination with what might be entirely beyond our ability to change. What, if anything, was passed on from our ancestors that we can’t change, for good or ill? And because we can’t change it - because it came from parents or grandparents or who knows how far back - how much do their lives and fates foreshadow our own?

Villainous Lineage is just one of many, many tropes dealing with this idea. It is, unfortunately, a trope probably Older Than Dirt, to the point several cultures considered a criminal’s relatives - and especially children - just as guilty as they were. In some times and places, wiping out a whole family down to newborns in arms wasn’t a war crime, it was justice.

(Supposedly. There are enough stories of humans being human, and my god man that’s a baby I’m not letting this happen, to indicate that no matter what the culture, a fair number of people considered youngsters potentially innocent and would try for rescues if they could pull it off without getting killed themselves.)  

Thing is, a lot of stories use this as a sudden Reveal to either explain why someone who might have been heroic was actually a hidden villain all along, or to give a hero an existential crisis. And... that’s valid, and likely true to life in history. But I think it’d be put to better use if you built up to it.

I also think it’d be more realistic in a story that way. Because if someone’s adopted, no matter how well you’ve kept the secret... well, certain aspects of nature will be noticed. The scholar in a family of soldiers, the kid who just doesn’t quite look like the rest, the tendencies to get ill - or stay healthy - that don’t match every other relative in the area. If you can bring those up, and scatter them through the story, then the reader will get an actual Reveal instead of a shock out of nowhere. “Aha! There were all these clues - we should have known all along!” Much more satisfying for a reader.

(Or viewer. The Imperial Coroner does an excellent job with this. As of ep 32 I can count no less than six people who aren’t who everyone thought they were - some adopted, some disguised, and some who’d had their reputations manipulated drastically.)

If you really want to take it over the top? Weave more than identity shenanigans into your story. Weave in little bits that make it clear that deceptions happen, and some things have to be investigated before you know anything for sure. The Imperial Coroner does this with a string of counterfeit coins at the very beginning of the story, that ultimately lead to murder, betrayal, and an attempt to overthrow the empire.

Looks like the bad guys aren’t going to pull that last evil off, though. Because one of those rescued innocents (and possibly two of them) has started unraveling the plot by uncovering her past, and bringing one truth to light brings up so many more....

Bring on the shenanigans. But always root them in some truth the characters can find. Because who I am should have a definite answer!

[filmmakerdreamst]

How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself

I was living in a city all alone and these two characters showed me that it was ok for two women to love each other.

In order to understand the following story, there’s something you need to know about me. I have always loved fiction. From the age of about 5 to 11, I loved books more than I loved people. I was a shy child who found it easier to emotionally engage with fictional worlds than the real one around me.

See, fictional worlds are created for your brain’s enjoyment. Their rules make sense. Events happen for a reason. The narrator tells you why characters behave the way they do, allowing you to empathize with them on a deep emotional level. Easy to understand, easy to identify with, easy to love.

But real people are complicated. The real world is complicated. And things are seldom laid out nicely in a coherent narrative format for you. Real things are much harder to love.

This emotional disengagement continued from the age of 11 onwards, although it was no longer as pronounced. My habit of retreating into fiction would fade during good times and come back in force during difficult or stressful periods. During the stressful periods of college, the rise of Netflix allowed me to become certifiably obsessed with my favorite TV shows. And naturally, I joined Tumblr in order to more easily fangirl with people who shared my interests.

Only for some peculiar reason that I didn’t care to examine, my interests were slowly gravitating towards girl-girl couples. Soon I was shipping, reblogging, and reading fanfiction almost exclusively about female couples. But I, who had always considered myself straight despite lacking interest in the boys around me, didn’t think this meant that I was gay. I probably just found female couples more emotionally satisfying. I was friends with mostly women, I was a woman myself, so it was natural that I just understood them better. Yeah, that was probably it.

Fast-forward to nine months ago. I was living in Boston and incredibly depressed about it. My job and my boss were making my life miserable and I had very few people to socialize with. I was making the rough transition from the constant socialization of college to the isolating pressure of a city where I had few connections. My days and nights were some of the loneliest I had ever experienced. I looked for something, anything, to lift the heart-crushing emotional silence.

My solution was the same one I always chose when I was dissatisfied with the real world; obsession with a new TV show. And thanks to my femslash-focused tumblr community, I knew just what my next feel-good show was going to be.

My tumblr friends had told me this: Xena: Warrior Princess is an action-fantasy show that enjoys a cult status, much like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (which I watched and loved). The two shows were made in the same mid-to-late 90's era, with similar bad special effects and endearing campiness. But XWP is much… MUCH… more gay.

That was about all I knew about the show going in. And amazingly, that was all I needed to know to be excited about watching it. You’d think that fact would have told me something about myself, but no. The mental walls of denial were years in the building and needed more force than that to be shattered.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show’s premise, Xena: Warrior Princess is about the title character and her quest for redemption. You see, Xena did some bad things in her previous life on another show (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys). In her storied career as a warlord, she committed such petty crimes as genocide, the slaughter of innocents, that kind of thing. But now she has seen the light and wants to atone for her crimes. Except she can never undo the terrible things she did. All Xena can do now is help people on a day-to-day basis and hope that it’s enough for someone to show her mercy.

Which is already fantastic from a character standpoint. But there is a secret mirror to Xena’s journey that is not reflected in the show’s title, and that is Gabrielle and her character arc.

Oh! Gabrielle! When I met her in the very first episode, I loved her straightaway. She is a feisty, naive, talkative small-town girl who accompanies Xena on all her adventures. Her character quickly assumes paramount importance in the narrative. Gabrielle is Xena’s only friend. She comes to know her better than anyone else and love her for who she is, all the while believing Xena can reach redemption. Yet Gabrielle is not just a support system for Xena; she goes on her own heroic journey. The two character arcs intertwine and co-develop in a way I have never seen in any show before or since.

As each episode rolled by and their relationship grew in complexity, I found myself more and more engrossed. And I came to realize: this was something I wanted. The day I accepted my own desire was the day I accepted myself. What could be more strangling than denying the existence of your own feelings? Yet I had been doing this to myself for years — cutting off the possibility of being attracted to other women — without even realizing.

Before beginning the show, I thought the fandom had read in between the lines to construct a romantic relationship between the two characters, the same way as femslash shippers do in all other TV shows. Except not this time. This one is mind-blowingly different.

Not only does the narrative place utmost importance on the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but the actresses bring such multi-dimensional love to their parts. When I saw Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle) interact, I could so easily believe that these two women loved each other beyond friendship. Xena and Gabrielle display every kind of love you can think of. They protect and sacrifice for each other. They tease and flirt. They cuddle and console. They have inside jokes with each other. They dance sexily. They play pranks and drive each other crazy. They sweetly kiss. They come back from the dead together. They bathe together. They raise each other’s children. They meet in alternate timelines and fall in love all over again.

I could have left my mental walls of denial in place. I could have said to myself “oh yes, I want this. But with a guy.” But no. Lawless and O’Connor’s incredibly attractive faces and bodies broke down the door of my mental closet. Precisely because they were fictional, I felt safe to admit my attraction to them. One of the key mental blocks I had always had towards accepting any attraction towards other women was the thought that I was being creepy. That since they could not possibly feel the same way about me, it was wrong to feel the way I did. But in my mind, that barrier didn’t exist with fictional characters. They couldn’t feel anything for me. Therefore, it was fine to feel whatever I want about them.

The walls cracked. The water came rushing in. Oh my god. I am attracted to other women. Like, every day of my life. Those flickers in my stomach when I talk to an attractive female coworker suddenly make a whole lot of sense now. I now saw my historical awkwardness when talking to beautiful girls, which I always dismissed as “me being weird”, for what it was. All those short-term girl crushes on older girls throughout high school. How was I so sure they were platonic? That heart-aching infatuation I had with my best friend that lasted for years? Yeah, add that to the ‘definitely gay’ list.

Since then I’ve realized that my feelings are valid regardless of what others feel for me. Just because feelings are unrequited doesn’t mean they aren’t real. That’s what Xena and Gabrielle taught me. Their fictional example was the final blow to my rapidly-crumbling resistance to the idea of homosexuality.

In our culture today, so many forms of media reinforce heteronormativity. How many commercials have you seen that assume attraction between a man and a woman? How many billboards tell women that they need to look sexy for the men in their lives? How many times has a movie ended with the guy getting the girl? It’s the combined action of a thousand small rocks shifting to make a cultural avalanche. You can’t move against it. All you can do is stand still and try to maintain your footing against the current, to maintain your identity in the face of a world where you and people like you are often swept away by the mainstream.

Xena: Warrior Princess is one of those rare stories that dares to go against the grain. It celebrates a romantic relationship between two women as the most natural thing in the world. And in doing so, it provides a mirror for me and people like me to recognize themselves in. There we are. Look at us fly.

This story isn’t over yet. I still have a lot of work to do to accept myself, but thanks to Xena and Gabrielle I’ve taken one huge step towards living the open life I want to live. I moved on from that horrible job and lonely city, but in the end I’m grateful. Grateful that circumstances pushed me to the depths of loneliness necessary to bring down the prison I had built in my own mind.

- How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself by Lyra Hall