#I miss my life

[mrs-snape5984]

“I used to be a little boy…so old in my shoes….”

“The bitterness of one who's left alone….ooh, the years burn…” (“Disarm” by The Smashing Pumpkins)

My bestie Miri surprised me today with this beautiful drawing of Severus, who’s gifting his mother some flowers for Mother’s Day (which takes place today in Germany). She knows, that I have an immense soft spot for Sevy in his younger years. He triggers my inner “overprotective goddess of revenge”, who wants to save this boy from harm at any costs.

Thinking about Severus and his hardships of his childhood and teenage years, makes me realise, how much I miss my job since I’m struggling with ME/CFS. I’m a pedagogue, who used to work as a social worker at the government office for youth welfare…and damn, I’ve seen a lot of terrible things. And yet, I still miss my professional self…with all my duties and responsibilities.

I hope, that one day, I’ll be able to look into the mirror and see this woman again….the intelligent, interesting and caring person, who I’ve been before this disease made me become nothing else but this shadow of myself.

Thank you so much for this amazing artwork, my sweet friend! 🖤🥹

[kill-the-mirage-poetry]

What happened to the life that I had created for myself? Was it solely my fault that I crashed and burned? Or was I sabotaged by ignorance of the unknown? I think so.

It's not fair, my misery persists, you've attempted to steal away my happiness, and you have. But still, I live;

In despair.

Kill the Mirage Poetry / Tracy Cregg

[facelessfractal]

I just used to do something more important. My life used to be less... silly? It's hard to want to come out when things feel so. inconsequential. Trivial. It's working a boring anybody-can-do-it job at a grocer, when i used to be actually doing something for the peace of humanity. I miss doing research and writing papers on anomalous activities. I used to BE something. And im not anymore.

And its not entirely fair to say i hate my position here, i dont mind it a majority of the time. I have to forget to be serious. I have to forget that the life i felt like i lived was nothing but a horror podcast. None of it really happened. Im not even truly me to any extent. Im the. vague intrusive shadow of a character who wasnt even around for the ending.

And i dont relate well to others. I don't relate to other Michaels (though maybe thats because they all seemed to lean more towards just being the distortion) so seeing things from them feels. Strange. I dont have many memories from my past either, i just remember being a great employee, whose work was doing good things. I have the pain of being left and the pain of being eaten by that door. I wish I could make a statement to Jon. Force the memories out, let them choke me as i remember who i was. If I died that way I think I would be able to accept it.

I just want back the life i had. Im scared to talk to anybody whose a fictive from TMA because im scared they dont feel the same. Im scared that im the only one whose life feels so utterly interrupted by the life i have to live now. Im scared nobody would even believe im who i say i am. After all, did anybody really know me to begin with? The real me? The me that wasnt a monster who laughs as it takes another person in to lose them all the same?

How do i ask a stranger for comfort?

[sourtails]

grief is such a weird emotion because I'll be going about my business and then suddenly I'm crying so hard I can't breathe

[cowplushies]

I wanna go home

[peachyfloral]

reminder to myself that it's okay and normal to be sad 🌹🌸🌷🌼🌻

[rodeoromeo]

i honestly genuinely just miss working so much i could throw up

[cunnidingus]

i just want to cuddle and i can’t until further notice 😭

[bustlingcrowdsxorxsilentsleepers]

[bethfuller]

limited perception.

find me on instagram!

[mrs-snape5984]

Wow….could I get more pathetic?! 🥺

[onekisstotakewithme]

having online friends who are busy is just like. I LOVE YOU. I miss you. YOU GOT THIS. I'm giving you space to work. I LOVE YOU.

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

[14m-emories]

everytime i feel content, the feeling of how it used to be just comes in and it engulfs me into a suffocating hug. i cant seem to let go.

[iinsomaniac]

love how the moment ao3 goes down we all start acting like housewives waiting for their husbands to come back from war

[soulminyg]

When I clean I don't even wanna breathe so everything won't get dirty again