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I haven't talked about this in a while, but why not make one more post about my sexuality, for good measure? It's something I vented a lot about a long time ago, partially because I didn't want to discuss it with my dad or therapist. I probably should have told them, but it's too late now. I don't want to turn this post into a vent about the two secrets I've kept from my dad, but maybe I'll reblog that post again later. Sigh...
Anyways, I kept trying to figure out my sexuality because it really confused me, and I wanted answers for my own personal satisfaction. In doing that, I realized I'm aegosexual. I don't want sex and I've never even really thought about wanting sex with others before. I do however masturbate quite a bit. I seem to masturbate multiple times a week, so I don't know if I'm hypersexual too or if this is normal or what. But at the very least, I'm like 99% sure I'm aegosexual.
I'm also mostly attracted to the familiar, which means I mostly only read erotica about men. The male anatomy is familiar to me, so it's what I tend to look for erotica for. And I won't get into anything beyond this for right now, because I'm already feeling a bit awkward writing all this.
On a slightly less embarrassing note, I've figured out I'm probably Quoiromantic. I'm 19 now, and I've never understood romance. I know it's love, but what makes it different from platonic love? You can love a friend or a family member just as much as someone you're romantically involved with, so it all baffles me. And that's why I think I'm Quoiromantic. I simply don't understand the difference between Platonic and Romantic attraction in any major way.
#I probably should have told my dad#or my therapist#but it felt too embarrassing#so I never did#sigh...#aegosexual#asexuality#aspec#ace#acespec#quoiromantic#aromantic#arospec#aroace#autism#asd#neurodivergent#autistic#adhd#actually autistic#audhd#hypersexual
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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#mine#writers of tumblr#poetry#spilled ink#writing#i'd say “i would never do this to you; it wouldnt matter who you said had dine it” and she said “youre a better person than all of us”#okay to rb#spilled words#poem#tw: trauma#tw: sa#tw: abuse#wrote this after one of the first conversations i had with my mum after i told her what my brother's did#hearing her insist it wasnt their fault. hearing her say she cant lose him. hearing her say it was our dad's fault. hearing her defend them#especially my oldest brother#probably the worst thing she's ever done to me#so sure i can take it. cause i always have#sometimes i wish it'd killed me so maybe she'd see it for what it is but..#anyway#i hope you know youre more than your strength#and that just because you can handle it doesnt mean you should#you deserve peace and to feel safe enough to put on and take off your strength so you can just be#i hope it all reaches you soon
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chat i may have some sort of hypermobility problem. new lore just dropped
#txtpst#sister told me my dad had a mitral valve prolapse. she was like thats very common with POTS and EDS. you could have POTS or EDS.#mentioned it to my therapist. they were like Are you hypermobile? i was like idk. they were like can you do this? can you do this?#i was able to do everything. they were like Bro you are probably hypermobile you should get that checked out.#so basically i cant wait until i can go to a fucking doctor finally jesus christ
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can my parents stop falling into alt med pipelines n trying crazy supplements and diets
#difficult bc I have to argue this shit w them bc I know it’s not healthy#n like tell me why I’m the one discouraging my dad who does manual labor in 100+ degrees that no a watermelon cleanse is not a good idea#yes you should add more in your diet but you should really focus on fats and protein bc of the physical labor you do#no vegetables aren’t bad for you idk who told you that but I can assure you they have no credibility and they’re probably trying to sell#smthn#Having a peanut butter sandwich 3 times a week isn’t going to raise your estrogen like ???#N it’s so hard bc food and dieting discussions r hard for me period bc ed shit#screaming
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scribbly first date type affair (continuation of my modern au stuff)
#witch hat tag#orufrey#idk when the next modern au thing will be so i'll just post this by itself. hehe#that art was one of qifrey's first drawings. it was of a creepy eye. (it was around the time he got glasses as a kid)#(and was told that he might lose his sight completely one day so he became an emo because he already wanted to be an artist#like beldaruit who ran his foster home where he encouraged kids to draw art to express their feelings.)#and an insidious deviantart group called The Brimhats idk stole it & reposted it. he never got to the bottom of who exactly did it.#but one day. they will fucking suffer.#(he believes their goal was to develop AI art as they said stuff like 'all art should belong to everyone anyway' & 'there shouldnt be rules'#but actually they were probably just regular mean ppl who have moved on to new things in life than stealing kids' art on deviantart.#who knows though.) i want people to retain their disabilities or general tragedies like beldaruit would be in a wheelchair#and coco's mum is in a coma. but its just so funny if qifrey just has regular bad eyesight#and it's so cute that he would say he doesnt think of beldaruit as a dad & is distant with him but now basically runs a foster home too#where he doesnt just encourage like he was encouraged but actively teaches kids from sad backgrounds to become wonderful artists one day#anyway i am so fucking hungry now goodbye#P.S. BELDARUIT IS NOT OLD !!!!!!! i mean if qifrey is late 20s or older in canon like i want... i guess he..but.... NO !!!!!! 😭#*edits in some follow-up drawings*#oru: i couldn't c-c-confess my feelings bc it always seems like he's worried about something..i shouldnt bother him..#qif: *always worried about how to confess his feelings*#ive decided meeting at 7 on da is kind of ridiculous actually. i think they probably meet at like age 10 in canon..not immediately =_=#since beru-sama is like 'he finally found a friend'. whatever... this'll be my last art post for a while probably so see ya <3
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my niece once got upset w my dad bc he wouldn't buy her some overpriced drunk elephant skincare product. she was freaked out about getting wrinkles. at age eight. i wish her mom had never bought her that damn smartphone
#idk if my brother is dad of the year or anything but he didn't want her to have the smartphone so points for that#her mom bought it so she could track my niece whenever she's with her dad (my brother) and text her constantly#and considering she's so petty that she made my niece leave an easter gathering with a terminal family member early it's like#i'm sure she has her side of it and my brother was probably a dick somehow but girl you're punishing an eight year old about it#and i really don't think shit like ''ice age is for boys (so i won't watch it)'' came from my brother#i'm sure i'm biased bc it's my brother but genuinely i think she bought my niece that phone to spite him#and now she's just glued to it bc that's what smartphones are designed to do !!!!#you would really fuck up your own kid's attention span and self esteem just to get back at your ex???#and this isn't even the worst parenting move on her part but luckily that guy died and can't be around my niece anymore ever <3#but i just worry about her. since i moved away i don't really get to see her.#and not to be narcissistic but i feel like it's good for her to see women w short hair no makeup comfy clothes etc.#i wanna be a good example for her#i told her she should just worry about washing with soap wearing sunscreen and drinking lots of water#i just can't relate at all. at her age all my friends were boys and i was into dinosaurs and pokemon and werewolves#a lot of girls... didn't really like me 😔 i remember being upset bc one girl called me a tomboy#anyway if u read all this. secret radioactive kiss just for u. mwah 💚
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my therapist and i were talking about spacing out our sessions more since i'm generally doing okay and then i accidentally forgot to schedule more sessions so i'm going through like one of the worst things i've gone through in a while and like desperately want to talk to my therapist but her earliest appointment is december 5th (it is currently september 18th)
#i'm alright i think im just. having a time#my dad said some real asshole shit and i told him i dont want a relationship with him right now and maybe not ever again#and he keeps texting me and im trying so hard to just ignore him but i keep having thoughts about like#what if he tries to kill himself (again) and i'm not there to stop him#like yeah hes an asshole hes been horrible to me lately and we havent been close since i was a kid but i dont want him dead yknow#anyway i just. have no idea how to tallk about this or where to turn about it#and i'm just. struggling with future guilt over something that probably wont even happen#im just having a time#i should go to bed to be entirely honest but i want to stay up and hang out with someone because im off tomorrow#and getting to sleep has been so hard the last couple days anyway#anyway. sorry#suicide meantion /#suicidal mention /
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I went on a walk with my dad
#I’m so so so so so sorry that I keep complaining I’m really sorry if it’s annoying or bothersome or anything ask me to take this down and I-#-will; I don’t wanna bother anyone :(#But I went on a walk with my dad and after a bit of talking we somehow got to the topic of conversation on how me and H butt heads a lot#And the way he said made me feel like I was the problem and that because I am older I NEED to be the bigger person every time#And I told him I didn’t want to have to be the bigger person because I didn’t like how immature she is and he just deflected it saying that#-I’m going to need to because I’m older and more mature#He also said that I’m the one who’s always defensive or picking out the fight when that isn’t true#I don’t want to fight with her; I HATE fighting with her#And geez it’s making me feel like I’m always the problem and I’m the reason why we argue so much#That I’M defensive and immature when I know I’m not#He says I need to be more gentle with her and not expect her to get pissy and defensive bit i only do that(if i do that at all) because she#-yells and snaps at me for no reason so often! I expect her to act that way because it’s how she always acts with me!#I’m not that immature right?#And he says I need to put in the effort to fix it even though she probably won’t do the same#Why do I have to fix it? Why am I responsible? It’s not fair!#I don’t want to be the cool headed mature and bigger person every single time#If she hurts me with her words I should be allowed to make that known without her yelling at me!#🌾#again I’m really sorry for complaining to whoever may be reading this#It’s silly I know#I’m just dramatic I’ll get embarrassed for posting this soon enough and delete it#I don’t know why I’m like this :(#I don’t like it#Geez what’s wrong with me
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🙄🫠
#yk when i said i'm back to being active on tumblr well yeah 😅#i had to write a seminar paper for uni and it hasn't been going well because i got sick and didn't get much done#well i got an extension luckily but it still was a struggle the topic was just rly difficult to write about#i'm almost done now at least some 300 words i still have to write and then proofread and work on better formulating but yay#i should get it done today but yeah i'll manage so i'll be back when i'm done the latest tmrw#but seminar papers are for real my least favorite part of uni 😅 it's so time consuming and can be a real struggle ugh#i rather write an exam lmao#but anyway i needed to rant ://#my money got stolen 🙃😫#sometimes life just throws some shit at you ugh#like having to write this paper and not having a social life anymore isn't enougj#i don't know how it happened? i mean i don't know for sure but i can't explain it another way#like the money was in my wallet the day before yesterday and yesterday the whole day i didn't use my wallet qnd then it was gone??#maybe while i was at uni football but that's crazy it was not some public place but in a school gym lockerroom??#or maybe someone stole it from my backpack on the street idk?? but i didn't notice#but that was money i got for my birthday from my dad and aunts 😪#and i wanted to buy something nice with it and ig i will anyway but it sucks :((#it was not a little no i had 150€ in my wallet 😭 at least my credit cards are still there ig#but i realize now how stupid that probably was to carry so much money with but i thought it was safe fr#like i have lived in austria all my life and this never happened to me 😫 and it was not like i was walking around with my wallet openly#i mean i will be fine it would be a lot worse if that happened to someone who is just barely getting by but i'm still upset#and my mom told me that apparently it happened to a friend of her as well when she was in my city but like i never heard that before...#from any of my friends ... or maybe it really is that more dangerous with thieves in my uni city but like i wasn't aware#bc i mean in general austria is like a very safe country comparatively and feels like it never was on my mind#maybe it's horrible bad luck but in the future I will be careful to carry any cash with me 🙃
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on the leftist commune of my creation you WILL need to have a job and mandatory alone time it cannot be 3 faggots with full time jobs paying for acquaintances random stuff and then being made to listen to said acquaintance vent after the fact
#personal#if you don’t know my dad died last year i’m gonna wager you cannot ask me for money#told this dude i’m sorry but no i can’t pay for you to wash ur clothes and im TIRED#and yes xyz why someone can’t work i do get that#but i am working and am struggling with that#i don’t have a choice. i was going to a job where i fell asleep in my car while driving routinely and gave me extreme chest pains#just to pay what i owe my mom for rent#if SHE could afford it she’d let me live rent free but she can’t!#and i need to pay my bills! i NEED a job! there’s not someone waiting in the wings to fund my life#and i’m sick of it!!!!!! i’m sick of aquntinces using me as a vent thing and then as an atm!#yes i said no!!!!!!!!!! unless you are actively dying i’m probably gonna say no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i’m genuinely really upset by people needing things of me and i don’t want this relationship in the first place#you came to me youre talking to me im not hitting you up im not reaching out to you#i’m being polite but not outright ignoring you talking to me#that does not equal friendship!!!!!!!#i think i have to stop talking to people i must get meaner#i need to stop having the general vibe you as a stranger should feel comfortable talking to me at length#i’m tired!!!! i don’t want new friends or to make new plans or do that!!!!! leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!#and this is the second time this WEEK. some random aquantinxe has asked for money#brother i went over budget for donations in one day. i dont give a fuck unless ur actively in dire situations!!!!! i dont care!!!!!! there#there are bigger issues!!!#stop asking people ur NOT close with for this!!!! make actual friends !!!!!
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one odd thing about going deeper is that I'm no longer satisfied with shallower. and that's, weirdly enough, a net positive. I've self harmed - eh, twice? in the last month. both were well into the criteria that should have got sutures and ignored it; suspect I hit a vein once and was extremely close to muscle, which feels kind of odd. yeah, it's ramped up; yeah, there's a lot of blood and all that kind of stuff. very high risk of infection, potential nerve damage and all that kind of stuff (though I have not got either of them; I scared off an infection that wanted to hang round by chucking quantities of alcohol on it). but at the same time. that's only twice. that's a lot better than previously.
#tw sh#the one from a fortnight ago. which i have told nobody irl about including the person to which i showed the first one. is still thinking#about healing and not really doing it yet. it'll get there. might have to wear a bandage or smth on placement#if we were going into winter i would think there was a serious concern of doing it a bunch more but for now i know i absolutely cannot#because it will be visible.#i mean it already will but im gonna pretend it was from months ago and hopefully deflect questions about just how i got such scars#actually the one that i think approached muscle is surprisingly close to healed and probably going to scar surprisingly little#the other one is simply too fresh still to know how it'll scar#should've taken progress pictures to monitor healing but was too scared others would accidentally see it#didn't want to traumatise folks#honestly was genuinely tempted to take one (1) photo of the more recent one and post on my secret sh tumblr but i talked myself out of that#anyway im fine#personal#puddleglum hours#yesterday dad hugged me and patted my arm and it was LITERALLY directly on top of the fresher one but i was able to Not flinch#fun fact: when you go that deep it is in fact Less painful than a few layers shallower#which i found to my own concern the first time and was freaking out thinking id done something nerve-related#anyway yes i really am fine prommy#fessed up to my doc about self harming anyway#and technically unless muscle is involved it is clinically described as superficial#(fat layer is the one where they will nearly always consider sutures necessary but some shallower will be dependent on how much they gape)#but also because of how much blood there is every time you kinda have to spend longer making sure you're not gonna bleed all over everythin#so that also stops me bc oh it's nearly midnight i cannot devote like two hours or three to making sure i don't wake up in a puddle of bloo#(hyperbole)#anyway in some ways i find this funny. probably should be vaguely concerned. but eh
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Me: listening to So You Want To Talk About Race
Me: oh I am learning a lot about my relationship to blackness in this book written by another black woman raised by a white parent (identities to that differing widely)
#personal;#i will probably write a long rambly Post Later (like tomorrow or something)#but i Realized (part of) why i have so much issue relating to blackness this morning bc of something the author says to her (white) mother#and am realizing that /maybe/ race might also be part of why dad was genuinely shocked i thought i was a disappointment for lack of#being told he was proud (and lack of achievements worth a damn to society) bc like. a white cis man will /generally/ get more#for just existing than a shy black girl with emotional regulation issues#*girl/woman re me in this post being used for intersectionality reasons and not gender#well. kinda gender. i WAS a girl. once. until somewhere in my teens#regardless!#i'm very tired but my brain is cooking#i had to turn the book off bc brain cooking too much i can feel it buzzing and i have no energy to deal with the thoughts/emotions making#it buzz and fizzle so#i should force myself to shower#but!!!!!! emphatically recommend to anyone white wanting to learn how to talk about this stuff while being white#and understand concepts you might not get (tho beginnerish level)
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moms have an inherent superpower to fuck up your day by yelling at you over the stupidest shit
#vinny vents#my mom is so annoying my goodness#i told her i texted everyone asking where the mop bucket is and she started giving me a speech about how we're always asking her stuff#and i repeated that i texted EVERYONE and nobody is expecting her to know everything#and she started yelling at me about how if i wanted her to answer i should have called#and i said that i couldn't ask everyone if i did call#and she said some 'well youre gonna be waiting a long time then because i dont check my phone'#and i said it would have been pointless to call her because she doesn't even know and she started yelling again while i was trying to ask m#dad. and he said 'well its probably downstairs'#and i said that me AND my sister already looked and my mom started talking about how 'yall never really look for stuff you just glance'#and i said that of course i actually checked because she TOLD ME to mop the house#and i was like 'what does yall even have to do with this we're talking about me specifically'#and she got all huffy and stormed off talking about some 'i just feel so unappreciated'#???#I don't even know what I did she just started yelling at me about like ten different things#its such a stupid thing too like why. why#delete l8r
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life really fucking sucks right now
#teddy situation has undone probably a year of recovering haha i fuckig hate landlords#basically told us we need to get rid of ted because 'he is a liability'#THE DAY BEFOREBTHANKSGIVING#and i was expected to be chipper and happy at family dinner.#naw man. i havent really left the house because i wana spend time with ted hahahaha#he's going to live at my sister's place but still. i dont want him to have to go#selfharmed as in nearly scraped the skin off the entire back of my left hand#WAS HIT WITH 'I HONESTLY FIGURED/EXPECTED YOU TO (SELF HARM' LIKE DAMN HAHA#idk. i want to be hit by a fucking car. or anything else that will blast me away.#had another prospective friend end up being just a dumbfuck that wanted an easy lay#dad's been home all week#its just a lot man. and losing all that progress i worked hard for its another kick to the teeth#and its like. why should i go see my therapist again. im gonna tell her whats wrong. im gonna cry. she oretends to care. i come home#i just dont want to be here anymore. i dont. i keep hoping for things to get better because thats what im told to do and things get worse#i cannot live the rest of my life like this. im allowed to be selfish and say it isnt fair to me. and nobody should be stucj dealing with me#im not gonna have a happy ending like all my friends did. im gonna be lonely and suicidal until i finally get thr balls to just fucking doit#local idiot sad
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oh yeah not sure where we're at w money btw. we might be able to get some of it back but we wont know anything concrete until friday
#the fey speaks#which is why i haven't been reblogging the d0n0 post#like. i got $115 total and we Do need to buy groceries before friday and also some of it has already been spent on gas for getting to work#so what i'm saying is the support i got so far has already be immensely helpful#i am just not sure how much more help i will need or by when. or anything. until friday.#and i'd hate to keep askin only to end up not needing it ig. that said if anyone still wants to send me a few bucks while understanding tha#i won't say no. there are many things i need money for in this world rn. like a new belt. been thinking abt a cane. but idk how much it#would help so i haven't been able to justify the cost to myself#but like. there's probably better things you could be doing with your money rn.#also its been really hard for me to get info bc no one (my parents. whose bank acct it was.) wants to fucking talk about it#like. i live here too idk i think i should be allowed to know like what days bills are due and exactly how much they cost!#bc originally i was told (by my mom) that Literally All of our bills were due this past monday. and we would have#no power water or gas. but we still do. somehow. so idfk#and she won't talk to me abt it if i ask she just Stops Responding or walks away#and if i try to ask dad he just responds “i don't know” or starts crying. or like self loathing spiral#so basically. even if we get 100% of the original money back#its ALSO possible we will have a shit tone of late fees and overdraft fees to pay. no clue : )
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