#I say. and then allow more of myself to be perceived. it's fine I'm just vibing writing essays like I'm taking classes on this shit.

[essektheylyss]

sometimes, when tumblr fandom starts to annoy me, I just take a moment to remind myself that at least we're not on fucking tiktok.

[alostlittleriverlotus]

Oh yeah make sure neglected people get love until that neglected person is a fucking narcissist. Cause all narcissists are bad. Everything I do is intentionally manipulative or maybe they'll say I'm not actually a narcissist and are just confused or supporting them cause I've been made to feel guilty. I've been on both sides. People will believe I'm a narcissist and so therefore I'm abusive or people will not believe I'm a narcissist cause I'm too nice and just getting caught up in narcissists manipulating me to support them.

I hate the idea that my self image is not by my choice. I will always be what OTHERS perceive me as. I have always been that and it will continue to be that. People will either see someone that can't do any wrong or someone that can only do wrong. Like stfu I am a person! I can do good and bad! I have a past of being toxic and harmful esp as a teenager cause I was a fucking mentally fucked teen still in an abusive situation.

I just. I dunno. Im waiting on food so I'm very like just ranty about everything and anything. But like. Stfu. Stfu stfu stfu stfu stfu. If anyone else is needy and needs attention or reassurance then it's fine. But I have had it demonized since my fucking childhood and had my fucking meltdowns demonized as being intentionally manipulative!!! I WAS A FIVE YEAR OLD AUTISTIC CHILD STFU!!!!!

And people praising empathy as being good piss me off. Cause you know what else can also have hypoempathy? AUTISM. Low empathy is not just an "evil" personality disorder thing. Anyone can be anywhere on the scale of empathy. And it doesn't fucking matter. And anyone can be capable of good or bad. It has literally nothing to do with narcissism or any disorder.

Like wtf are anti narcissists gonna fucking do when they realize theyve done harm??? Cause you know what being someone believing in narc abuse did to me?! It made me believe that i was justified as a victim of narcissists so therefore I couldn't be wrong in my trauma responses.

Yeah. Accepting im a narcissist did way more for helping my relationships by allowing me to understand and communicate my needs than believing in narc abuse and calling my parents narcissists ever fucking did. Wtf are they gonna do when they're told about the harm they've done??? Not even related to narc abuse. I would have horrible episodes and defended myself cause I wasn't like my abusive "narcissistic" parents. And all it did was lead to more fights and more episodes and my friend couldn't help cause they were dealing with trauma responses too (people pleasing, believing it was okay what I did or that she deserved it even when I told her not to say or believe that, it's a very lengthy explanation required thing.)

Anyone and everyone is capable of good and bad and is capable of harming others. Whether it's full on abuse, even worse things, or just being insensitive and thoughtless. Focusing so much on the big bad narcissists will only continue to focus on this "us vs them" mentality that completely negates any sort of nuance and ignores the fact that harmful people, abusers, and even the worst of humanity is ALLOWED by society. It isn't a prevalence of narcissists, it is fucking bigotry. And it is everywhere. And it allows abuse to be normalized.

Big list of things I been thinking on. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm already fucking stressed and my parents won't stfu so I can think and type. Disorganized speech, semiverbal, can't thinky think.

[in-omni-scientia]

COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] — Hey. Pssst. VOLITION — ... COMPOSURE — ...You've been staring at the wall above your little desk completely motionless for what can't be more than about two minutes straight now. I think Authority is getting weirded out.

You turn your head to where Authority has, also, been standing and staring at you completely motionless for two minutes. He tilts his head back and to the side a small amount.

COMPOSURE — Almost... inquisitively, I think.

"Just gathering myself. I'm okay." Involuntarily, your body tacks on a (rather awkward) thumbs up. He huffs and turns away.

COMPOSURE — Give him five seconds maximum, and he'll turn back again. I don't think he wants to let you out of his sight right now.

Shifting your gaze back to the notepad in front of you, you run your eyes over the list of allocated duties once more.

ENCYCLOPEDIA (FACTS)

Claims to be: "what I should be"

Currently useless.

Allocated job: Prevent Authority from speaking.

Allocated job: Stay quiet.

THE OTHER ONE PERCEPTION

Claims to be: "joy"

Currently useless.

Allocated job: Perceiving.

VOL ME

Claims to be:

Be dumb and stupid forever, haha. With love, Authority.

?

Allocated job: Do what we are supposed to.

COMPOSURE

Claims to be: Social cues, knowing how to act, culprit of the Suggestion Anonymo

Allocated job: Making us *appear* normal to the others.

Allocated job: Just generally keeping our shit together?

AUTHORITY

Do *not* allow to speak under ANY circumstances.

Allocated job: Movement.

VOLITION — Good. A rather rough draft, though I'm sure we can continue to allocate roles as we find them necessary. ENCYCLOPEDIA — A rather poor effort for categorization by your standards. PERCEPTION — Come *on*, why do I have to be Perception just because I do the seeing? I'd be far better suited for Ele... VOLITION — You both have *new* jobs now, stay quiet unless you can contribute something of use.

Flipping your notepad to a new page, you start to write:

WHAT CAUSED THIS?

ENCYCLOPEDIA — A good place to start. Theoretically, all reactions are reversible... VOLITION — What can you recall about our affliction? Anything at all.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Trivial: Success] — Obviously, this happened after the Whale communicated with us. We were experiencing its effects prior to that interaction, but to a minimal degree; the pain inflicted upon its response to us prior to this beginning is not negligible. Causation can be assumed here. COMPOSURE [Easy: Success] — I have to point out -- well, look at Authority.

You cast a side glance in his direction. Even with your blurry vision, you can see him pacing back and forth, occasionally throwing a glower your way.

COMPOSURE — He’s fine, even after communing with the Whale. A little bothered by all this, obviously, but that’s natural. VOLITION — Yes -- it’s unusual. Charmer is fine as well.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy: Success] — There’s a logical explanation for it. We just have to find one.

[Encyclopedia - Challenging 12] Do we know why you could have been impacted so adversely compared to your colleagues? (WHITE CHECK)

HIGH - 72% +1: Know about the Whale. +1: Savoir Faire’s fragmentation. -1: No Logic subskill. +1: Authority is here.

Rolling...

⚂⚄

CHECK SUCCESS (Challenging: 12 vs. Your Total: 14)

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging: Success] — If *they* have not been impacted by a pale anomaly to the same degree as you have, you can only assume it has to do something with mental fortitude, or something similar. VOLITION — …Are you saying the Psyche skills know Volta do Mar? ENCYCLOPEDIA — No. Well – you could always ask, but I don’t know if you would get a good response. What I’m saying is, it may have something to do with your level. VOLITION — Go on…

ENCYCLOPEDIA — Recall the average pulses per minute for each attribute as studied by the Turtle -- [110 for Intellect, 150 for Psyche, 70 for Physique, and 50 for Motorics]. This lines up fairly well with the base levels for them, 4-5-2-1 (though some individual skills *have* been levelled beyond this via Thoughts). ⠀⠀Remember, too, the Turtle’s studies into the neurons. They made sketches of them – but some neurons had a strange pale sheath on them that was slowing their communication. (The fact they selected a Motorics neuron for that diagram is significant, too, as it evokes Savoir Faire’s current state).

ENCYCLOPEDIA — We know that it is unnatural for neurons to have that sheath on them. What I am trying to say is, I believe that perhaps the Pale Whale has given us pale exposure, and the skill’s levels afford certain Skills protection from being affected by the pale exposure.

ENCYCLOPEDIA — The effects of pale exposure for us seem to follow a pattern: high-levelled Skills, such as Authority, Suggestion and Empathy, receive no visible afflictions. Medium-level Skills such as yourself, Drama, Composure, Rhetoric, Pain Threshold and Interfacing have their abilities to communicate affected, and low-level skills experience partial fragmentation. ⠀⠀I am unsure of *how* this fragmentation exactly occurs, considering our and Savoir Faire’s presentations are very different. Though I believe we have the resources to figure this out.

VOLITION — Hmmm… ⠀⠀This theory may have some flaws in it. I will begin with smaller flaws. First of all, cop radio was affected with a similar presentation to Skills from medium levels. How do you explain this? ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy: Success] — Esprit De Corps was the first to contact the Whale, of course; perhaps their initial contact overcame the natural protection their level afforded them.

VOLITION — *How* were we affected by the pale? The closest origin point is in Martinaise, and we have not been there for some time. ENCYCLOPEDIA [Heroic: Failure] — Admittedly, I have no rebuttal for that. Perhaps the theory that Harry has one in his own head is correct. Perhaps the Whale has the power to reach beyond the bounds of where pale ordinarily can.

VOLITION — Savoir Faire’s affliction was caused *prior* to the Whale’s first contact. ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Success] — Remember, the incident occurred after you had explained the Pale, when they claimed to ‘backflip into Rodionov’s trench’. While that is completely ludicrous to believe they could actually pull that off six thousand kilometres from the nearest point of even porch collapse, I do believe the Pale has something to do with their presentation. ⠀⠀Furthermore, the Whale claimed in its contact with you that ‘Mother Nature’ is disgusted by us, that ‘the verdict’ had already been made. Perhaps it has had its eye on us for some time now, and Savoir Faire’s affliction is another case of pale exposure, simply occurring before we were aware of the Whale’s presence. VOLITION — So it wasn’t me… PERCEPTION — It wasn’t you.

VOLITION — Okay. And finally… ⠀⠀We have six points. Not that far off from the Psyche skills. This fragmentation is *not* a low-level presentation, unlike what you said. PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] — Actually… I’m so sorry. VOLITION [Formidable: Failure] — ? PERCEPTION — You are at two points currently. VOLITION — What? Why?

ENCYCLOPEDIA — Minus-two from No Wedding Bells Chime in this Church Anymore. Minus-one from Brilliant Bibliolater’s Blues. Minus-one due to the lost morale. (Normally that last one wouldn’t be an issue, but I think the fact you’ve been proclaimed Volition is doing that…) ⠀⠀They’re distributed among us, but they add up to minus-four overall for Encyclopedia, the construct.

VOLITION — You’re kidding me. ⠀⠀*Thinking about the concept of marriage* caused this? Made me more prone to it? ⠀⠀And I’m even more prone now because Authority yelled at me?? PERCEPTION — I’m sorry. IN MEMORIAM — Until pale do our atoms part. VOLITION — We… we have to forget those thoughts *now*. Do we have the points? ENCYCLOPEDIA — No. VOLITION — *Shit*. We need to—to ask someone what to do. Who do we talk to about this? Can Volition do something?

PERCEPTION [Medium: Success] — Are you sure you want to do this?

VOLITION — Of course I am!! I’m going to be *completely torn apart* if this goes on! PERCEPTION — If you forget those thoughts, you will never be able to think about them again.

VOLITION — Yes, well… ⠀⠀… ⠀⠀Never? PERCEPTION — Never ever. VOLITION — Well, I can’t get married or have favourite facts if I’m dead. PERCEPTION — Don’t you want to take the chance? VOLITION — Empathy wouldn’t want me to. I’d leave them all alone.

IN MEMORIAM [Godly: Success] —

⠀⠀‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than to never have loved at all.

PERCEPTION — Yes, exactly -- it will hurt them far, far more knowing you saved yourself but doomed yourself to never wanting more, than to know you risked yourself to finally put a name to what you are. You *talked* about that.

VOLITION — …Uhm. ‘Exactly’ to what? PERCEPTION — Uh. I don’t remember…? ⠀⠀But seriously, please. Just take the chance. It’s irrational, it’s irresponsible, it’s impossible. ⠀⠀But… give it a try.

VOLITION — ...Sigh. ⠀⠀You… *people* are terrible. Fine, I’ll leave them for now. But the *moment* any funny business happens, we’re dragging Authority with us over to Volition’s zone and demanding they give us the points to get rid of them.

AUTHORITY [Challenging: Failure] — You want me to do something?!?! VOLITION — Not *you*. I don’t call you Authority by choice, it’s simply because it is convenient at the moment. AUTHORITY [Legendary: Failure]— (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

VOLITION — So… what do we do now? ENCYCLOPEDIA — Actually, can I try to figure out what exactly is causing fragmentation to occur? It’s a rather big step up from language difficulties. This could be important to figure out. COMPOSURE — You should tell Authority what you have worked out. Just to let him know this hasn’t been a waste of time. PERCEPTION — If you want to regain a level, you need to heal that morale you lost; I would recommend finding Empathy. It’s been a little while since you last saw them. AUTHORITY — Definitely *do not* do that; not in your current state. They’re already far too stressed. ENCYCLOPEDIA — Finally, something reasonable from that one.

VOLITION — Hmmm…

[Encyclopedia - Legendary 14] Do we know how this fragmentation could be occurring? (WHITE CHECK)

About going to talk to Empathy…

“Authority, I think I’ve worked out what is happening with all of us.” (Finish thought.)

[Encyclopedia - Legendary 14] Do we know how this fragmentation could be occurring?

LOW - 28% +1: Know about the neurons. +1: Know about Savoir Faire. -1: Holes in your theory.

Rolling...

⚃⚄

CHECK SUCCESS (Legendary 14 vs. Your Total: 14)

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Legendary: Success] — It has to be the pale sheath that’s doing it. ⠀⠀The sheaths are slowing the action potential of the neurons they are attached to. Theoretically, if the neurons that make up *you* could not communicate fast enough to keep you together... VOLITION — …they’d start dissociating from one another. ENCYCLOPEDIA — Yes, like the turtle proposed. And each one may begin to function as separate entities. Perhaps it would get to the point where they disconnect entirely. VOLITION — Lord. Is-- is it reversible? ENCYCLOPEDIA — I don’t know.

You gaze down at your notepad unseeingly, half-filled with a near-unintelligible frantic scrawl that has barely kept up with the pace of your thoughts.

AUTHORITY — Unintelligible?! I’ve been doing my best! PERCEPTION — OG, we can find out. Heal that lost morale, get that one point back; see what it does for you. VOLITION — But… that’s not going to do anything. Losing it hasn’t actually done anything in regards to how this… condition is presenting itself. AUTHORITY — Wrong again, worm. Look up. COMPOSURE — I think you meant bookworm? AUTHORITY — Irrelevant. Look up.

You do – and gaze directly into a near-identical copy of your own face, with the notable exception of two pinprick lights flashing at you from the abyssal shadows.

AUTHORITY — Boo.

With a yelp, your stool clatters to the ground – but as soon as you’ve jumped up, it’s gone.

[thousand-winters]

Living with Darius after Belos is defeated, Hunter slowly learns it's okay to ask for stuff. Sometimes it doesn't go as he would like.

One time, he asks Darius if he can borrow ten snails for something and Darius says "sure!" At the time, Darius is too busy or too lazy to grab his wallet, so he tells Hunter where it is and allows him to get the snails himself.

Hunter goes to find his dad's wallet as instructed, but he gets nervous and anxious once he picks it up. Even though Darius gave him permission, taking out the snails himself makes him feel like he's stealing from his dad and feel all sorts of bad.

To calm himself down, he needs to take the whole wallet back to his dad and have him pull out the snails instead.

Even having Darius' permission, Hunter is just not used to simply taking things for himself, especially when it's something such as money because it's not like he's going to be grabbing that and then giving it back immediately like he would with other things he has gotten the courage to ask Darius if he can borrow before.

The brief thought of finding a temporal job or something of the sort to pay Darius back does pass through his head, but ultimately, it feels best not to be presumptuous and just go to Darius because what if he didn't hear Hunter asked for ten snails and that ruins his budget for the week or something? Granted, it's not a lot of money but who knows... maybe it's better if Darius checks himself so he can determine in the end if he wants to let him borrow that money or not.

Darius is very confused when he sees Hunter bringing him the whole wallet but seeing how anxious he looks, he just asks him if everything is alright as he gets the snails out for him. Hunter probably is also like "I know I asked for ten snails, but it's fine if you can't give me all of those, I know I'm asking for a lot, and really, I can figure it out myself, you don't have to do anything-" before Darius cuts him off and just hands them to him.

It's not hard to guess where this is coming from, it's in part that Hunter isn't used to being allowed to want things and then ask for them, but it takes a while for him to be comfortable grabbing anything in the house in the first place. It's very much his house now, but Hunter was used to kinda feeling like an intruder even back at the castle, his room being the only place that was truly his and now...

Well. It's all very new. Even in his room sometimes he feels like he's disturbing it just by being there.

Darius does his best to encourage him, acting naturally when he asks Hunter to bring a plate or grab this or that from the kitchen or the bathroom or wherever, because Hunter sort of needs that "practice" so it feels natural for him to just do things like that without awaiting for permission every single time, which Darius notices quickly he does at first, not doing so much as grabbing a glass of water if he hasn't been told he's allowed to use this or that glass.

It helps that Darius gets him some things so they feel like specifically his own, but he still needs to get comfortable with everything so he doesn't continue feeling sort of like a guest in someone else's house.

All of that can't be solved by just acting casual and giving Hunter gifts every so often either, because then Hunter will think he just has to accept what he's being given and that it's selfish to ask for more. Darius figures out teasing him lightly helps; he's not mean, just playful, and it does make Hunter see that perhaps it's silly to worry about being perceived as selfish and greedy when to Darius it's such a small thing.

It takes time, but Darius is very patient.

[caterpills]

(Six) (Seven) Some Sentence(s) Sunday

Happy Sunday! I'm borrowing the open tag from @suseagull04 this week! I finally allowed myself to be ~perceived~ on the internet and posted the first chapter of my supremely self-indulgent publicist/author firstprince fic, This Is More of a Comment Than a Question. (Thank you for everyone's really kind words, I appreciate them!!) I'm doing final edits for chapter 2 now, so here's some from that:

The gentle touch to his elbow pulls his attention down, and Janella asks from her seat, "How did everything go today?" "Great." Alex lies. Sort of. The day was fine on the surface—the meeting with the buyers, the stock signings, all the book-related agenda items on Henry's itinerary went off without a hitch. He and Henry, however, are still circling each other like boxers in a ring, taking verbal punches and seeing who gets knocked out first. What Henry doesn't know is that Alex won't tap out, even when he should. Janella, privy to none of that, appears relieved. "Isn't Henry just the best?" Alex blacks out. That's the only way to explain how he allows some alternate version of himself to possess his body and say, "He sure is."

Open tag to anyone who wants it! ❤️ But you have to promise to tag me back so I can read what you wrote!

[anonzentimes]

do you also get so so so sick of "my fandom sucks" jokes? i got into sonic last year and the series is awsome but the fandom (mostly on twitter) is annoyingly full of "dont mess with us sonic fans we dont even like the games", and then i got into danganronpa and the exact same thing happened. people dont allow themselves to just enjoy anything for some reason????? as if they had to have a justification or apologize for having fun with a thing perceived as annoying by non fans??

anyways i really like your posts, thoughts and rambles so for that and as a fellow sonic and danganronpa enjoyer i want to know what your thoughts on this whole "haha i hate my fandom *stays in the fandom*" phenomenon are. i find it rather confusing personally

DUDE. OH MY GOD KINDA SAME??? Okay, I got into Danganronpa 3 years ago now and only recently last year got into Sonic, Well more like I finally got out of denial about the fact I could be a Sonic fan since I always cared and researched about the franchise more than somebody who wasn't a fan would LOL.

Anyways, It really depends on the context of the joke because I think it's funny when people don't even remember basic information and it's used there? But otherwise it's kinda weird and pointless. The reputation of the fans with media I liked alongside knowing someone who viewed their own interests negatively caused me to become really embarrassed about my interests for a while. I'm finally just kind of embracing myself again and not caring much anymore, I think the jokes and general feeling of people trying to apologize for enjoying something is a lot more harmful than people think. I can say a few of my joking "I hate the fandom," sentiments but it's always followed by SOMETIMES or a PART of the fandom when referring to any drama or specific people misunderstanding things. Every generalization has exceptions and I think it's quite unfortunate people kind of put themselves in a corner like that sometimes.

Honestly it also depends on what the person means when they say it too actually, because sometimes saying that means from the person that they've admitted they have this "bad" status as a fan of something and kind of have accepted it? Like they accept they have that status, say the status is bad, and then stick to it because they've accepted that they're "bad" and enjoy the thing. It honestly is kind of an interesting phenomenon. I don't know, it just kind of all depends on context I suppose.

Just overall I think the attitude people have of bunching status together because of reputation is kind of harmful but inevitable. I do know that whatever phenomenon it is I've been recently stopped being harmed by it from embracing myself lol. I still understand it has a reputation and I may say something like "Yeah, I'm a sonic/danganronpa fan" in a teasing way when it comes to cringe culture jokingly, but genuinely like I'm not sorry or guilty for enjoying anything anymore at all. I mean like, I'm the person who's gone out in public with my surprisingly comfy monokuma jacket and sonic backpack before LOL I don't care what anyone says I'm just having fun and living my life happily with the time I have in this world. I don't need to waste energy thinking about the reputation of the fans of the thing I'm enjoying as long as I'm enjoying it, and honestly life has been so much nicer after that finally solidified in my head again. Nobody lives forever and I'd rather spend it being myself and enjoying what I want to.

Basically my conclusion is this: It can be funny depending on context, primarily when someone isn't having great media literacy, and I think it's fine when exceptions to a generalizations are considered. HOWEVER in general I don't enjoy the negative tone people have towards themself and the guilt about enjoying something that is created with the negative attitude sometimes. We're all just like people on a floating rock I don't think anyone cares if you like the silly hedgehogs, and if they do then they're kind of a loser for getting upset over your enjoyment they should be more concerned with themselves and their enjoyment loll.

Sorry if this has typos or anything lol I was about to go to bed but this resonated with me so i wanted to get my thoughts out right away. Thanks for the ask!! <3

[iguessitsjustme]

*flips hair* I have never blocked anyone because I'm nosy, but I want to know #4!

What was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I am also nosy...to my detriment sometimes. Which is why it takes me so long to actually block people that I should probably have blocked a lot sooner. But I do have a story.

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I've kind of vaguely mentioned this when asked before but I'll talk a tiny bit more specifically here. Not too specific because I'm not trying to start shit buuuuut....also they are definitely not the only person I've blocked but I think they might be the most recent one? I don't know.

About a year(?) ago I had to block a couple of people because they were starting to make me uncomfortable. I was being tagged in all sorts of posts (and to be clear the posts weren't bad, they were even positive! kind posts even) and something about what was happening was rubbing me the wrong way.

Actually before I keep talking about this, I feel like I need to talk a tiny bit about myself because it's important context. This also might surprise people considering how much I overshare on here, but I am, at my core, an extremely private person. I do not like attention. I get anxiety when my follower count goes up here (genuinely love all of my followers and this is definitely a me problem). I live in fear of being secretly recording for some stranger's tiktoks. I don't want my face seen by people. I do not wish to be perceived. It is 100% a trauma response and I am aware of all of this. And this is extremely important to why I blocked these people.

It is slightly easier for me on tumblr than it is in real life, but this is quite literally my safe space that I have built for myself. It's why I'm comfortable sharing things here. I have no issue being tagged in posts. I have no issue with people wanting to talk about things I've said or if they tag me because they want me to see something. So getting tagged in seemingly genuinely kind and positive posts should be fine, right?

Well, yes and no. The posts I was being tagged in felt...hollow to me. Like I was being tagged in an attempt to build a platform instead of because they actually wanted to tag me. I was being tagged in posts thanking me for participating in a fandom which kind of made it seem like the reason I was posting about anything was for accolades and that...is simply not why I'm here. I am not here to gain a following. I am not here to build a platform or to help others build a platform. I am here to post silly little posts about my shows and my life and also now keep track of character's glasses. If I wanted to build a platform, tumblr is not what I would be using (and honestly if I wanted to, I genuinely think I could be pretty successful at building a platform and gaining followers and other platforms. I would consider myself highly marketable if I wanted to go into that industry).

But the last straw for me? What finally did it? Why I finally blocked the people whose vibes have felt off for me and clearly did not know me well enough to know that doing what they were doing was quite literally the opposite of something I am comfortable with? It was when someone (again not naming names because I don't think they had bad intentions but were just so horrendously misguided as to allow themselves to ignorantly do this) who did not follow me, did not reblog any of my posts, did not like any of my posts, had never replied to any of my posts, nor had they ever interacted with my blog or with me in any type of way (I checked because I'm nosy enough and petty enough to have checked that) tagged me in a post. To thank me. For participating in a fandom. And I am not saying anyone has to do any of those things. But if you're gonna tag me to thank me for participating...perhaps maybe at least like one of my posts about the thing you're thanking me for?

To be clear, this was a show that a lot of people were talking about at the time. I was not the only person tagged in these posts. I was for sure not the only person talking about the show. In fact, I probably posted a tenth of what other people posted. If that. And my posts, honestly, weren't very well thought out or coherent. They were my typical little silly posts. And I know people like those. But they weren't the same as what other people were posting. And to be tagged by someone that seemed to only care when it was something that could gain them notes and followers instead of someone who actually enjoyed what I was saying? Felt strange to me. And rather than start beef with a stranger on the internet I blocked them.

Blocking them solved the issue that was making me uncomfortable as peacefully as I felt I could. They no longer had the ability to tag me in strangely performative posts and I didn't start yelling at a stranger and potentially ruin their day. Or start drama that no one else needed to be involved in. I did make a small post about it at the time mostly because I felt so weirded out and I did feel a little bit bad about blocking them. But it was such a quiet thing that no one noticed and everyone moved on with their lives. Made things happier. For me at least. Probably happier for them too.

Choose Violence Ask Game

[loaflovesdoodling]

Part Two of Mirror Gazing

-he yelled out in pain. Fylass, Dolly, Selene and Blossom rushed over, slamming the door open.-

"ADES! IS EVERYTHING--..." -the kid stopped in their tracks as soon as their eyes perceived the scene.-

-there he was, Ades, knelt down, covering his right temple, collarbone and stomach with three of his four hands, the last one he used to hold himself up. He was covered in a thick golden liquid; was that his blood?! He panted heavily, some whimpers of pain escaping his mouth every now and then. He couldn't even open his eyes.-

"MISTER ADES, OH DEAR NOVA...!!" -the young doll exclaimed, covering her mouth, before trying to approach him and being surpassed by his little sister, Blossom, bawling in utter worry and fear. She ran torwards her big brother, not even concerned about the glass shards scattered all over the ground, if she could shriek, she would. She embraced her sibling, he took his now bloody hand off his stomach, before carefully and delicately pulling her closer, trying to make her avoid being cut by the aforementioned glass.-

"...I'..m... o..kay...." -he violently coughed.- "....'ve been.... through wORSE--!! AGH!!" -he tried to get up, but it was as if a million needles were pressing against every inch of his body. He struggled, falling back to the ground. Blossom hugged him tighter.-

"Dude, stop!! You're gonna make things worse. Just let us help you!" -Selene reassured, as she, Dolly and Fylass carefully approached him.-

"C...can you open your eyes..?" -Fylass asked, tilting their head.-

-he let out a groan, before squinting and slowly separating his eyelids, opening his eyes to the world once again.-

"shi--... crap, I could've gone blind... agh, that doesn't matter anyway.... sorry for this whole mess, I don't exactly know how it happened, but I'm sure I'm to blame here..." -he apologized in a regretful tone-

"...and... I told you, I'm fine... nnnnnnn... it's just a few papercuts anyway...." -he tried to reassure them all-

"PAPERCUT?! ADES, YOU'RE LITERALLY COVERED HEAD TO TOE IN YOUR OWN BLOOD!!" -Fylass scolded him- "Besides, it's just a mirror!! There's nothing more stupid than apologizing over a MIRROR!! You're in the clear, bro, trust me!!!"

"I'll clean it off.... sorry again....." -he coughed, forcing himself to get up despite the excruciating pain, before being sat down once again.-

"Oh, no, you don't, mister!! Dolly and the others are going to make you wait still until we can get all this glass out of you!!" -Dolly pouted, both with spite and determination.-

"Blossom, could you get off him, please? We really wanna help. You could go in the kitchen with all the others while we tend to his wounds, whaddaya say?" -Selene offered, smiling softly in empathy. Blossom slowly nodded in understanding, before letting her big brother go and waddling off to the corridor, then heading downstairs-

"...you three... really, don't worry... I can heal myself no problem... you don't need...--"

"Oh, stop the whining, will you?! You need help, stop pushing us away."

-he nodded in defeat and silently allowed them to assist him.-

@george228732

@moon-mage

@ilikesillythingswooo

[aeternallis]

May I just say though? Personally, when someone asks me to be accommodating towards them, I can usually entertain, should the circumstances allow it, and if I had also been given that in the first place.

However in this case, why exactly should I be made to feel obligated to accommodate that person (or anyone who had a hand on the dogpiling/gossip train) and give them the benefit of the doubt, when I myself was not given the courtesy?

That's like asking for something I don't have to give. You think it only takes a few days to get over incidents like this?

How about you all fucking try what it's like to be called "ableist" based on a few tags that was written in frustration, then to be dogpiled on and gossiped about god knows where, and called out publicly without even a chance to explain myself in private?

Like sure, now they ask me, now-when they may or may not have found out that I too am a POC in the fandom, who was just literally vibing in my own damn lane, when the defamation has already occurred, when I've already been gossiped about in certain circles, etc.

It's easier to ask for accommodation when the deed has already been done, yknow? LOL

I have no more hesitation to rant on this stupid blog of mine (besides the fact that this is my online diary, haha) since I've already been cancelled and called all kinds of ugly names in the book in this stupid fandom, but to whomever is still somehow keeping an eye on this blog-while I may not be in the icky habit of call out culture, please be aware that I have receipts.

And ngl, the hypocrisy is through the damn roof. Lol

Somehow those people who are still complaining about me on their platforms are bold enough with their back and forth behavior of "all fandom opinions should exist" vs "they should keep what I perceive to be character wank out of the tags" is such a damn whiplash that at this point, I'm pretty sure the two scary extremes of their behavior are all just efforts to create an echo chamber around them where their headcanons are affirmed.

And that's all well and good, create that echo chamber as much as y'all want and invite those people in said echo chamber under the guise of positivity, but lemme just say one thing now, as someone who's read the stupid KP novel twice now, as well as watched the show all the way through three times: no matter how much you want your headcanons to BE canon, THEY ARE NOT. echo chamber numbers don't mean shit against what's canon and what isn't.

Sure, pick and choose what aspects of canon you want to play with, that’s more than fine. But for the love of all the green pastures on god's earth, it is not a personal attack on you that I choose to engage in the canon dynamics, as depicted in the book and show. it is not a personal attack that I choose to talk about these things, omfg.

because believe me, I am NOT the only one with unpopular opinions in this fandom, and lemme tell y'all now, they want to be able to say what they want without fear of being cancelled, and you can only control an atmosphere of fandom for so long.

And finally, a few more things: one, the damn tags don't belong to anyone. Trying to control what is said in the tags, now that's fandom policing, not whatever the hell I was doing just ranting in my own blog and thinking to myself this is my safe space. two, playing the high horse card and saying it's all for the sake of "keeping the positivity in fandom" only creates an atmosphere of people walking on eggshells, of not being able to say what they want to say about the characters, as if somehow people aren't allowed to make mistakes, lest they too are dogpiled like I was.

how sensitive you are about these characters is no one else's problem but your own. I (and anyone else who doesn't agree with your headcanons) am not a damn babysitter, grow tf up.

[1yyyyyy1]

What's your alter ego like, actually? How did you come to create her? I get that this could be a bit personal so share anything that you think is "safe" to share, ofc. I want to get some inspiration, having an alter ego - one developed enough to even have her own distinct appearance - is really tempting, not gonna lie ;D

Putting this under the cut for those who want to read this:

One of my favorite ways of experiencing fiction are self-inserts; this is the main thing I do to explore the topics I'm not comfortable being public about, like psychology and violence. Self-inserts are different from writing an original character in an original universe because it is, plainly put, too much work if the goal is to focus on self-exploration. I use already existing universes and the characters in them to bounce off the ideas I have through, for the most part, dialogue, but I take note of the environments I put characters in as well. Since I both write and draw, I can fully focus on my perceptions of the original piece and the additions I make as opposed to commissioning someone else. The drawing I posted is a character I created many, many months ago before I had a solid idea of what I was doing and what the character meant to me.

To give this a backstory, I have always been into character design and I have always strongly identified with the fictional characters I liked. However, as I grew older, I felt less and less represented by other people's characters because there would always be a conflicting trait I was unsatisfied with. Knowing that only I could give myself proper representation, I started investing more of my time into my original work. I was drawn to a specific character type at the time, and one of my biggest motivations for improvement was wanting to come up with a design similar to this:

I didn't know what this original character was going to be at first, but would eventually decide on her being an "[insert fandom name] OC". She was a villain and the first one I've ever written, and at the time I had a very narrow view of what her appearance should be like. My logic was that if she had disturbing qualities, then she should look that way too since that was what some other artists did with their characters! Me thinking I "should" be creating such a personal design based on something other than me liking it should have been a red flag, but more on that later…

I have an unfinished story with her where I would write her interactions as perceived by other characters. Eventually, I figured out it wasn't a "character" I was writing, it was me trying on different traits and imagining myself in different scenarios (and observing them from the outside perspective) to try and understand what I was and was not comfortable with. Weirdly enough, even though I had spent a lot of time on her appearance and was in general satisfied with it, it was also the thing that bothered me the most. I liked her design, and I liked drawing her, but I always felt weird about utilizing her as a placeholder for myself and could never tell why. I have kind of been moving away from rationalizing everything, so I'm just going to straight up say what I see when I look at that drawing nowadays — I don't know why it didn't occur to me that one's personality could differ from their fashion preferences. I was fine with some of her overbearing traits, yes, but I couldn't get behind her intimidating looks or even associating them with something sinister in the first place! It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I was limiting my perceptions of other people and my personal expression to cultural standards (think flowers — kind, dark colors — evil). Preconditions like that are not an inherently bad thing to pick up on since you can try them out and either discard them or recombine into something you like, but it turns into a problem when they take over the creative decision like it did for me. Developing this character allowed me to resolve the "visual biases" I had that stunted my creative process, and I have since moved away from such a rigid approach to character design or even my own fashion sense. In a way, she's an incomplete version of me, so I don't identify with this character very much anymore.

If alter egos are something you already feel like doing, I suggest going for it. It was certainly the most comprehensive thing I've done to better my understanding of myself.

[thelostgirl21]

Seriously, I wish people would stop reading into my tone so much, and trust my words when I communicate.

If I say I'm not being dismissive of your thoughts and ideas, I'm not being dismissive of your thoughts and ideas.

If I say I'm fine with you holding and sharing views that differ from mine, then I'm fine with you holding and sharing views that differ from mine.

If I seem to struggle with understanding a concept and I say it makes no sense, it's always it makes no sense TO ME (how in the world could I ever know how it makes sense to others?! I'm not in their brains, and can only speak for myself!!! It makes no sense *TO ME* that I could ever be saying that what you say makes no sense to anyone else but myself!!!)!

If I ask "how else can this be understood?" or "how else am I supposed to understand this?", I'M NOT ACCUSING YOU OF BEING UNCLEAR, FOR FRAK'S SAKE!

I'm genuinely asking you to explain your own interpretation, so I can conceptualize where you are coming from, and how you are perceiving things!

It means I really, sincerely, don't understand what you are trying to say to me, am asking for a pause and for some clarification, and will likely continue to ask the same question over and over again until you either frame that explanation in a way that makes sense *TO ME*, or I can see we utterly fail to connect on that subject, and should simply move on.

"You sound like you're trying to dismiss...", "It seems like you think..."

I have no idea how to properly convey tone in written forms of conversation, and am usually more comfortable communicating while phrasing things in a way that I've been told "sounds academic".

That's literally just how I talk and how my brain works. I'm not attempting to "sound pretentious" or anything. I speak that way.

And while I interpret informations and draw conclusions based on whatever data and information I've got available, I will readily change and modify it in light of any new information that comes my way.

I make tons of connections between information all of the time and get fascinated by them, and see the world as a bunch of ideas and concepts.

Please don't mistake my enthusiasm or assertiveness when speaking about any subject I'm passionate about with stubbornness or rigidity.

On the contrary, my thoughts and ideas remain extremely fluid and flexible, and I'm not scared in the least of being wrong and of making mistakes. I have no ego in that sense.

I'll be the first to embrace being mistaken as mistakes are an absolutely fantastic learning tool.

How else would I be expected to grow?

I can't easily change my tone, but I can clearly state my intent using words.

So, if I say "that's not what I meant", and especially "that's not how I meant it", can you at least give me the frakking benefit of the doubt, and give me time to clarify my thoughts and find a way of phrasing them that will hopefully allow you to understand the message I'm sending, before assuming you know what I intended to say better than I do basing that assumption on how I sound?

And perhaps, conceive of the thought that there's a huge difference between thinking you may be right and knowing you're right with absolute certainty.

Other P.O.V. being valid does not mean I remotely have to agree with them, or say they are right, either. Simply respect that people see things differently than I do.

And I do.

I may be wrong and you may be right. Or I may be right and you may be wrong.

Hopefully, you think you're right; otherwise I see absolutely (I SEE... my opinion / perception / interpretation... Look, I'm not taking any chances anymore by this point!) no point in you arguing something that you believe to be deeply wrong.

Do people do that outside of playing devil's advocate? Or listing possibilities they've yet to make up their minds about?

How does this even work?!

Ah, for me?! Or to me?!

Look, I'm wondering how does this even work, but without denying the possibility that it may make sense and work for others...

Ah...

What I'm trying to say is "I'm basically confused about why we're supposed to feel self-conscious or "bad" about thinking or hoping we've got the right interpretation, until we detect a flaw in our logic and then come up with a new one in light of new information we've gathered, or being exposed to/gaining some novel perspective on a subject..."

Does that make any sense?

But yeah, I am utterly unable to tell if people are bored or upset with a subject when I'm talking or arguing with them in person...

So how can I be expected to read into what kind of emotions my arguments are going to inspire in others, or what part of my phrasing might upset them, if no one is telling me how to rephrase thing?

Especially when it's just words on a screen with no clear tone indicator.

"When you say this, it makes me feel this, perhaps you could phrase it like that instead?" would be extremely helpful!

Rather than "you sound like this" or "you're making it sound like that..."

I can't figure it out by myself. I don't hear that "sound". It's a very abstract notion, the idea that my arguments might "sound" like anything.

I need clear rules and systems to properly communicate. That's just how I'm wired, and no amount of wishful thinking or good will on my part is going to magically make me be able to hear those subjective sounds coming off my words.

[elizabethplaid]

daily notes - april 16, 2024

Got up fine today, though I still didn't quite feel "on my game". How bad was I spaced out? Didn't realize I forgot my nose ring until I was already at the library. Remembered my other jewelry, though!

LL-J wasn't there, so it was an "indulgent" day. Since joined me again, too. I played phone games the whole time, until there was like an hour left. Then I read badly-edited romance novels and kept having to stop and cringe, pedantically.

"Why am I reading this?" I asked myself. It's the smut, truly. But a lot of the stories on the app are fantasies: eg werewolves, billionaires, mafia, fated mates, etc. So the lead-up romance scenes aren't always smooth.

I had just finished a really nice story set in a bakery with a hard-of-hearing FL and an ML with burn scars on his leg. (It's "Wrong Number" by Laura Brown, on the Readict app, if you're inclined.)

There was another recent one with some cursed pirate-ghost situation. Seemed to be set in my area of Maine, though they only mentioned nearby towns. They also spelled Eastport as two separate words and misspelled the name of my college's town. Other than those details, it was pretty nice. ("Salvation" by Jacqueline Paige)

I haven't been reading on the app as much since mid-January, when my phone-friend got in contact with me again. Between our conversations and rereading my own writing, it's a lot harder to turn off my brain for these stories.

The hyper-empathy is also a challenge, as I envision how I'd react in those situations. In particular, it's the rich guy buying expensive things for the woman without consulting her. (In contrast, those shopping-spree montages in movies are a fantasy I know I want but can't achieve. More because of what sizes stores offer, than the fictional budget. Guess it's about control and my opinion mattering.)

My mom used to do that a lot, with her ebay purchases, and her bad spending habits were a big source of tension in the family. But she'd buy these things with me in mind, allegedly. Sometimes it was something I wanted to show her to say "hey this is neat"; other times, it was something of interest that I hadn't seen. But they were unwanted. After all, if money is finite (mom always ran up her credit cards to the limit), I should make what I get count - pick out something -really- good, that I won't regret getting.

I've mentioned this to phone-friend before. When thinking of trinkets as gifts, I said I wanted something practical yet meaningful, preferably not expensive. And they gave me a Saint Sebastian key chain, which I adore. My side of the exchange was our friendship bracelets.

Over time, I've learned -and am still learning- just how much my mom mucked with how I perceive relationships. It's tough to accept being appreciated for just being myself - that I don't have to do some service in order to be "worth keeping around". (It was easier to accept that my body type can be seen as attractive, and that's already a hurdle for many people.) Accepting gifts makes me feel guilty sometimes, reliving those memories. I'm getting better about asking for allowance, but I don't like spending money often.

It's funny that mom was the one who introduced me to romance novels, including the smutty ones. Now I'm noticing my struggles with enjoying them, because of her affect on me. Then again, I keep thinking of what I would do in these situations. Basically, it's food-for-thought as to developing my own stories.

[alostlittleriverlotus]

being constantly projected onto as if I'm not even a person makes me so delusional. It's one reason why I especially hate the narc abuse folks. It genuinely makes me dissociate, delusional, and struggle to feel real or have a sense of reality. And dissociation+delusion is NOT a fun time. Like everyone in my life typically projects onto me anyway, but it's why that stupid narc abuse and any kind of ableism towards PDs pisses me off especially not. I am sent into a spiral of the same unpleasant terrifying loss of self and the world around me feelings that I get if I fight with my abusive parents. I start to lose touch with anyone around me as if they aren't real, I can't see myself as a person, I feel I am only made up of what other people make me, and it is so terrifying and dangerous.

But even just my own friends projecting into me makes me so upset. I don't want your emotions and your trauma projected into me. It makes me feel even less than normal, feel more apathetic than before, feel my emotions become even more muted and diluted. People begin to feel like puppets surrounding me. Quit projecting your trauma and emotions onto me, I don't like emotions anyway. This was mostly inspired from me telling my friend I was upset and then them saying I made them feel incapable cause of intrusive thoughts, something all the shitty people in their life do. And they know that hurts me since I am especially always being the good force in their life. All I did was get upset about our roleplays and change my mind then I'm treated as if I was putting them down. I hate how much my reactions of being so muted in emotions and changing my mind and being upset leads to others projecting onto me trauma of their abusers. Especially when I have worked so hard to stop being abusive and not be toxic and to undo the shitty things I've said to them before.

I'm not abusive for existing. My friend especially knows this as they're my safe person, but it hurt. I cannot express my emotions without being lumped in cause of their thoughts telling them and reacting that way. And I get so tired of dealing with it. Partly cause I will never be able to be relied on for help again since it's directly linked with my trauma from losing my friends. I hate being projected onto. I hate me existing being turned into only what others perceive me as. My emotions, my existence is a trigger for other people even my safe person. And living with that fucking hurts. And it makes me mad too. I want to be living, I want to be real, I want to feel like a person, but I am constantly treated as if I am not.

My friend and I are fine, we talked it out and it wasn't a big deal. It was one thing and I called them out for it right away. But the hurt is still there. I work so hard to be good for them, to provide the positivity and love that they need since they're surrounded by people who disrespect them and belittle them and then me being unhappy about something leads to them getting defensive and reacting just hurts.

My entire life even as a kid, I was projected onto. By my parents, my brothers, my "friends" and shallow relationships. I was autistic and treated as if I wasn't even really a person. Punished for things I never understood, demonized in my most important years, treated as an outlet for people's emotions and if I didn't respond perfectly, I was an awful abusive selfish person. I feel so little like my own person. And I hate it. Especially now with how I'm embracing my apathy, my antisociality, my schizoid stuff and reclaiming the way I react, allowing myself to be what is natural instead of desperately playing up who I am for the sake of acceptance. I'm pretty meh to it overall from other people aside from narc abuse folks triggering delusions and dissociation in me. But coming from my safe person, it hurts. I'm endlessly patient cause I know they're still healing, but it still hurts. It makes me want to hide away my feelings and lie, but then that just causes more problems. Again, my friend and I are fine, I'm just spilling emotions. And getting out the way I feel about myself and how I'm treated by others. For my friend's family, I am just the abusive controlling friend that steals them away from them. For my parents, I am the weird not quite right entitled brat. So few people actually see me unmasked and by that I mean, only MA. So to have them project onto me when they know it's triggering for me and hurts me is a reminder. It's more her trauma than actual projection, but it still makes me feel hollow and unreal. And for such a person like me with such a fragile grip on reality, that is so damaging.

[bitterbelphie]

{{ these are some notes for myself mostly dont mind them fjdjfj

that said, i am still alive! blogs not dead i am just throttled irl but i am out here. i am out here. im just very overwhelmed. i am thinking about belphie but have bumbled my goofy ass into some writing issues i want to put down somewhere that wont get lost fjdj so. so. }}

point one;

belphie is one of the most socially involved characters i've ever had in my hands wherein his relationships are so close and impactful on him, and that's considerable! he doesnt know or deal with a billion people all at the same time, but he DOES live with six brothers and a human, and has to worry about others (two angels, one other human, two other Very Big Deal demons) at least occasionally. i have an understanding why the writing team sometimes feels really very rushed the further they go on with obey me im going to be real with you NGJSJF

again, it isn't just the number or proximity; belphies brothers are really very impactful on him, not just in past tense but in the ways they interact with each other, the ways they bicker or support each other or even the human, how belphie perceives these things. he's a more introverted character, but just as he's notorious for his introversion (sometimes levi calls him a fellow shut-in, and hes declined outings several times unless they suited his own needs and interests specifically [before being forced anyway usually]) he's also notorious for watching and listening to the ways the others talk about what's going on, each other, TO each other, how their bonds strengthen or weaken. he's very sensitive to being replaced or forgotten about, or treated as though he's dangerous or like someone doesn't know how to interact with him anymore after the attic incident.

all this to say, to write a rich and satisfying belphie, takes shaking off a lot more rust and getting used to writing several characters in a situation all at the sams time, which i've for some reason been very squirrely to do??? like i'm not allowed or something???? up to the challenge, if only for breaking this very strange sensation of 'oh thats not allowed ):' ON WHAT PLANET. WHEN AND WHY DID THAT HAPPEN

point two;

winter.... oh winter. precious MC stand in. what am i going to do with you.

obviously the mc in a romancey otome game is supposed to move the story along in a way that's as generic and projectable as possible. there's still some personality there; a character that drives an entire family of fallen angels who've had repeated fallings out and coming together again moments and unites them is going to be a sort that's strong in mind and in heart, sure. this is a protagonist in a mushy gushy love game with some edge paint slapped over the top; something i love quite a bit, mind you, but... there's so much blank slate, and so much freedom.

what. am i going to do with you. somehow i did not anticipate The Main Character being something so potentially useful, but also requiring their own good bit of attention. so i should think about where they've been yoinked from and how that helps them adapt to the environment they're in. the mc also has quite the unique relationship with belphie, given the whole murder thing, and subsequent "oh btw the entire reason you did that? built on a lie. yeah everything you justified that with wasn't real. yeah now you both have to cope with that. and each other. yeah."

so winter being a big deal is sort of a big deal in itself. they both have made huge impacts on each other, and belphie's forfeited to them some of his JUST-FOUND FREEDOM to START his apology and that's. i mean god damn. winter knows he'd been trapped a long time, winter knows he'd been lied to, but that his feelings of neglect and betrayal aren't gone... but that also doesn't mean they're just fine now, either. he murdered their ass and he tried to do it again until he was told the truth and broke down as it sunk in fjdj not even immediately.

they have a lot of questions for one another, but also a lot of tension. delicious mix. how much i would love to really do something with that.

very good to get this out of my brain and somewhere i'll find it again fjdjgj

maybe ill noodle around with this??? try to practice some things and lean into that early canon feel i liked so much and base some things off canon events. augh please understand how much this sleepy freak lives rent free in my brain space even though i am so so quiet. trying to get unfrozen in so many ways

[midnights-wish]

|| 06.04.2024, saturday. ||

i've been thinking a lot about 'eleanor oliphant is completely fine' the last day or two.

to give a quick synopsis, the book is about eleanor, who has had a very traumatic past & is thus struggling in her adult life; she's got some odd ideas about how things should be, but also problems when it comes to the social aspect of things. i won't say how it ends, because the book is very well-written & i feel it is worth finding out yourself.

the one thing i have a difficulty grappling with, though, is that the book is described as 'funny' - both by critics & according to storygraph's genre categorization. and i've been wondering whether i'm one of the fewer people who didn't see the humour? because for me, a lot of the realizations eleanor made about other people, about herself, about how to socialize, etc., are things that i had to make & discover myself ---- & you know, as far as i understand, her moments of realization, i assume, are supposed to be the funny bits. because those are such logical conclusions to make, something that should be so clear that it is considered 'funny' that one even needed to think about these things for so long. but for me, on the other hand, the conclusions she made, & the way she formulated those conclusions to herself, are very very similar to what i would think to myself when i understood these simple truths of life (& sometimes, still do). so to me, the book wasn't funny at all, but just deeply emotional & it awoke quite a few memories of when i first understood these things.

i also don't mean to be misunderstood here: i'm not saying that the book isn't funny just because there's people who went through similar realizations as eleanor did - i'm sure in a few years time, when i'm (hopefully) done understanding how things work myself, i'll pick the book up again & see the humour in it, maybe even laugh at myself, that other people will do the same and probably already do. what i'm trying to process with this ramble, is more the realization of how big the gap between my way of thinking about how to socialize and going about life & the way other people think about socializing and life still is. while reading the book it was kind of surreal to me, is what i'm trying to say, how differently these situations in the book are perceived just because of differing experiences.

(i feel the need to clarify something, because i don't want to have any misconceptions created even if only a handful of people choose to read this post -- i did not have a traumatic upbringing. what i did have was an authority figure in my life who made me feel & think horrible things about myself, other people, & how the world works. while this may sound kind of bad, i don't think that this is enough to call it 'traumatic', simply because i have taken charge of things & learned how to correct them myself. still not completely done, obviously, but i figured out the solutions & i'm working diligently on it. however, the results of having to deal with that person caused me to live with the need to hide from people & experiences, which is why i lacked social skills & a simple understanding of the world. f.e., i didn't understand that if i wanted something, i could just ask for it or take actions to get it myself -- i didn't feel i deserved it, i didn't feel i was the type of person who was allowed to. these were things i had to understand and learn first, & that journey led me to make a lot of the similar conclusions (& also a quite a few not mentioned in the book) eleanor herself had to make. my experiences regarding bettering myself are what this ramble is focused on)

[prodijedi-archive]

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ GETTING TO KNOW YOU

respond to the following prompts out of character. then, tag nine others that you would like to get to know a little bit better.

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ ROLEPLAYER NAME :⠀⠀ Callie

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ ROLEPLAYER PRONOUNS :⠀⠀ She / They

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ MUSE NAME :⠀⠀ Count Dooku

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ PREFERRED COMMUNICATIONS / discord or tumblr messages for out of character chat? :⠀⠀ I'm fine with both Discord and Tumblr Messages, but ultimately, I prefer Discord since there are frequent issues with Tumblr IM's. Tumblr IM's also feel kinda ... formal to me for some reason, while Discord feels more casual??? If y'all want my Discord, feel free to message me and I'll give you my handle.

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ EXPERIENCE / how long you’ve roleplayed:⠀⠀ I am pretty sure that I've been roleplaying since 2016, which was my freshman year of high school, but I lowkey forget how I specifically got into roleplay??? All I remember is that since the musical Hamilton was starting to become popular at that time, I was part of the Hamilton Amino and first came across the concept of roleplay there. Since then, l've written on Instagram, Discord, and Twitter. Tumblr is probably my favorite platform for roleplay.

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ PREFERRED ROLEPLAY TYPE / fluff, smut, or angst? :⠀⠀ Out of these three, I like writing a perfect blend of them all. However, my favorite type of roleplay is a secret fourth genre — hurt / comfort.

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ PET PEEVES AND DEALBREAKERS :

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀Roleplayers interacting with my canon muses while ignoring my female original characters. I understand that I am not entitled to interactions, but it makes me feel uneasy — especially since my current original character muse is from the exact same universe and the same time period as my canon characters.

⠀⠀ Interpreting the “no attachments” rule in the Jedi Code to mean “Jedi aren’t allowed to love at all” rather than “Jedi acknowledge that possessive relationships where one cannot let go of another are dangerous and toxic”, and then turning this same misinterpretation as a plot point or headcanon in a roleplay. This has been debunked multiple times by George Lucas.

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ People who conflate the muse with the writer. I run into this problem ALL THE TIME with my historical fiction centric muses, and as I always say in my rules document, if someone can’t separate the writer and the muse, then they are not mature enough to write with me.

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀ Forgetting that plotting is collaborative, and expecting me to do all the work. If you want to interact with me, make an honest effort to match my energy and my contributions during the plotting process. Suggest ideas and concepts of your own. This post has some great suggestions for improving your experience throughout the roleplay plotting process!

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ PLOTS OR MEMES? :⠀⠀ Askbox memes all the way! They are a GREAT way to get interactions going, test the waters of a new dynamic, and start new threads! I also like using them as a springboard for the plotting process. When it comes to “plotting”, I perceive it as an umbrella term that encompasses exchanging headcanons about our muses or discussing character dynamics in detail, so to me it is an ongoing process that begins the moment I reach out to you OOC and continues throughout our roleplays. Plotting only ends when interactions between us end.

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ LONG REPLIES OR SHORT REPLIES? :⠀⠀ My replies tend to vary in length, and oftentimes these lengths will match your own. It is the substance that matters to me the most — you just have to give me something to work with by having some form of interaction with my character in your response, and I won’t bat an eye about how long it is.

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ BEST TIME TO WRITE? :⠀⠀I write at all times of day, but if I had to pick, I’d probably say the evening.

`➠⠀:⠀⠀ ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE? :⠀⠀Only to a very small extent. I will admit that I, like Dooku, am driven by a desire to change the world for the better and do occasionally find myself being cynical with regards to my country’s politics — but that’s about the greatest extent of any semblance that we may share. Out of all my muses, I probably self-project onto him the least 😭

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