#I want what aspects of my hobbies I still enjoy to stay that way as much as possible

[fnafawoundleftbleedingau]

Ngl, I think one of my struggles with fic writing in general, is I don't really have anyone I trust enough that can give me feedback before I post said fics. I don't feel comfy at all asking someone I don't know super well to give my writing a look over, and rn my few close pals either can't or don't wanna give em a read. so yeah, I try my best to go over my own work and fiddle with it and re-adjust things as best I can, but I'm fully aware my own thought processes don't always "translate" well, or make total sense I guess? But I'm trying. ^^;

[deathbyyoongx]

everytime; chapter 5 — myg

╭ chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ...

╭ word count: 6.6k

╭ summary: Everyone knew Min Yoongi as the guy who wouldn't say no to a nice pair of tits. His cocky attitude and stunning looks made it hard for most girls to resist. And even though you would like to say you're not like the others in that aspect, you unfortunately happened to be his ex. But even though you despised his guts for the last 3 years or so, he somehow managed to find himself a way between your legs on one semi-drunk night.

╭ pairing: fuckboy!yoongi x ex!reader

╭ genre: smut, angst, bit of fluff, more smut

╭ warnings: enemies to fwb, dom!yoongi, sub!reader, jealous ex!jungkook, bestfriend!jimin, hate sex, yoongi has a degrading kink but so does yn, brat taming, hair pulling, spitting, slapping, hickeys, choking, unprotected sex (STAY SAFE GUYS!), creampie, praise kink, hand kink, possessive yoongi, sexual content ofc, mentions of drinking, ...

╭ author's note: this fic is inspired by the song everytime by ariana grande. I also recommend using the chrome extension InteractiveFics for a better reading experience ;)

I know it's been a while since I updated this fic, but when I tell you a lot happened with me this year, I really mean it lol. But hey, I'm back :) <3 I haven't reread this chapter, so there may be typos.

03/08/2023

“Taehyung has been snoring the whole night, I can’t.” Jimin complained as he took another bite of his sandwich.

“I’m sorry I have a stuffy nose.” Taehyung pouted, his mouth still full of food.

Jungkook, Taehyung, and Jimin have been roommates ever since college. At first, they shared a place to cut the budget of their rent, but now they are just too lazy to search for something else. Even though, I think they enjoy living together and just use it as an excuse now.

Jimin took a sip of his drink. “Jungkook slept through the night though.”

Taehyung waited for you to add something to the conversation, but he noticed your absent mind ever since you guys lunched together. “You don’t seem excited to see us.” He frowned.

You snapped out of your thoughts, quickly shaking your head in disagreement. “I am just-“ You couldn’t find words to add.

“I see you recovered quickly from being sick.” Jimin said, lips curled into a smirk, making it very clear to you that he knew it was just bullshit.

Taehyung took a bite of his sandwich. “Yeah, I heard you were very sweaty.” He said innocently, not knowing the underlining truth behind Jimin’s comment.

“I…was indeed, yes.”

Jimin thought for a second, wondering if he should say what he was about to say. “I don’t want to be that guy, but you should really talk with Jungkook. The guy has been very on edge lately.”

Of course, Jungkook again. “It’s not my fault he’s like that.” Even though it felt like it was though. And the more you started to think about it, it really felt like your fault.

“Yeah, I know. But the least you could do is text him a ‘leave me alone’ instead of not responding at all.” Jimin explained. Ever since Hoseok’s party, You started to respond very drily or not even at all to Jungkook’s texts. You really had no good excuse as to why you’ve been so absent lately, especially since Jungkook knew your work schedule. ‘You’ve never been so busy, do you have a new hobby?’ Areone of the things he would ask you. Sometimes you just wanted to text him a quick and short ‘shut up’, but that would just add more fuel to the fire.

He had a point.

“I will.” Even though you said you would, you were still not sure if you’d actually do it. Jungkook had the habit to keep asking questions and you were not a great liar. And the more he’d ask, the more suspicious he’d get about what truly happened that night.

Taehyung noticed that there was a lot on your mind. “If you want to, you can come over to our place tonight. We’re going to watch that weird movie that Jin has been suggesting for the last few weeks.” He suggested, hoping it would get your mind off of things for a moment.

However, his question made the nerves kick in. “I-uhm can’t.” Clearing your throat as you said that, before taking a quick sip of your water.

Jimin narrowed his eyes, feeling a bit suspicious. “How come?”

Help me find the right excuse, someone. “I have uhm-plans.”

“Why are you stuttering so much?” Taehyung asked innocently as usual.

“With whom?” Jimin asked, but his gut feeling already knew with whom.

You just started to play with the leftover food on your plate, twirling it around with your finger like a toddler, not looking at either one of the boys. “Just…someone.” The silence after you denied to give any more information became a bit too unbearable for you. You sighed and looked up to look at them. “You’re not letting me leave until I tell you, huh?”

“Of course not.” They said in unison.

You hesitated for a sec. “Just don’t go around telling everyone, alright?”

“Come one y/n, we’re not teenagers anymore.” Jimin said to convince you.

“Okay…”It’s no big deal, right y/n? You’re just going out with your ex, nothing wrong with that. “I’m going out with Yoongi tonight.” The painful silence after that statement was killing you.

Shit.

“Wait…” Jimin said as his mind started to connect the dots. “So the guy you hooked up with the night of Hoseok’s party was Yoongi?!”

Taehyung almost choked on his drink. “They hooked up?!” He then thought for a second. “I’m surprised, but also, I’m not.”

“Are you guys going to get back together?” Jimin asked, almost sounding concerned. You low-key started to regret your confession.

What was your answer to this question? “No, I don’t think so-“ The question seemed to linger around your head. Were you? Was that what you wanted? Would Yoongi even want to get back together? I mean, the man can’t seem to keep it in his pants. Think about all those girls who probably have an unrequited crush on him, they would all pray for your downfall. And most importantly, Jia, how could you go back to work if she’d found out?

Confusion spread over Jimin’s face. “What do you mean you don’t think so?”

You were starting to get fed up with these questions which where you did not know the answers to yourself. “Look, Yoongi doesn’t seem to be interested in a relationship right now,” You say slightly annoyed. “Or so I’ve heard.” You noticed Taehyung and Jimin looking at you with a doubtful look. “And I can live with that.” You reassured.

“Can you though?” Taehyung asked a bit skeptical.

“Look if I get my heart broken it won’t be anyone’s fault but mine.” They noticed you started to get more and more defensive by the second.

“You’re out of your mind.” Jimin added.

A worried gaze started to appear on Taehyung’s face. “Does Jungkook know?”

“Of course he doesn’t.” You said defeated. “I’m not obligated to tell him.”

Taehyung and Jimin exchanged a worrisome glance at one another before turning back to you. “Look I get where you coming from, but he won’t take it that way.” Jimin explained.

“I know.” Ever since that night, a feeling of dread started to eat you up from the inside. You felt guilty, even though you shouldn’t. You told Jungkook multiple times you were just friends, but people continue to be protective about his feelings. But what about your feelings? “I’ll just…tell him myself. He needs to hear it from me you know.” You said defeated. Taehyung nodded in agreement, but Jimin just gave you an awkward smile, knowing this won’t end well.

What have I done to myself?

Work stalled and the only thing you could focus on was the ticking sound of that dreadful clock. Yoongi was planning to pick you up from work after your shift, but the idea of Jia still walking around on the work floor made you nervous as hell. How were you going to explain to her that her casual fuckbuddy used to be your boyfriend and that ever since a few days ago, you started seeing him again? The more and more you started to think about this situation, the more fucked it seemed to be. The clock hit 5 ‘o clock, which meant it was your time to head home. You quickly checked if you missed anything on your to-do list before checking out. You quickly freshened up, and if anyone was watching you right now it looked like you were running late for something. But in reality, you just didn’t want anyone to see you looking like this. Because you hated to admit it, but you did pick your best outfit for tonight. You quickly fixed your makeup and walked out of the changing room.

To your surprise, Yoongi had been waiting inside the café for you. He was wearing a nice dark blue dress shirt and black trousers. Yoongi told you to wear something nice, but not overly formal, so you just chose a nice top in combination with a skirt. And when he noticed the effort you had put in for him, a sly smile appeared on his face. “You look good.”

Your cheeks were getting a bit flushed by his compliment. “Thanks.” You looked around a bit stressed as you walked up to Yoongi, making him frown his eyebrows, wondering why you were behaving so anxious. “Let’s go though.”

“You seem to be in a hurry, but not for the right reasons.” Yoongi said as if he could read your mind. “Worried Jia will see us, huh?”

You forced a smile as you linked your arm to Yoongi’s. “Let’s just go.” You repeated. Yoongi just scoffed but did as he was told since he didn’t want to piss you off already.

Your mission of nobody of work seeing you leave with Yoongi was successful, making you feel more at ease. Yoongi let you to his car and to your surprise it was a very nice one, coming from someone that doesn’t give two shits about cars. He opened the door for you, giving you a small smile as you hopped in. He closed the door and you didn’t know why, but your anxiety was getting the best of you. Who were you kidding, of course you knew. You were going on a date with your hot ex that everyone seemed to either want or hate.

You stepped into his car, but before starting the engine he turned to you, a small chuckle leaving his lips. “Relax, it’s just me.” He placed his hand on your thigh, slightly caressing it to ease the tension.

You expect your uneasiness to be that obvious. “I know, that’s the problem.” Why did I say that?

You thought Yoongi was going to snap back at you, but instead, he just smiled. “If it makes you feel any better, you’ve done this before.” He said in a joking manner in combination with a wink, making you smile as well as memories of your past relationship flooded through your mind.

Yoongi started the engine and began driving, and what I sight to see it was. Seeing him drive shouldn’t be that attractive, but here we are. The older he got, the more handsome he got. You still remembered that shy quiet guy from high school, one that was not capable of being such a player. But look at him now, he had grown into a man, and what kind of man…One that women can’t seem to get enough from.

“Jimin and Taehyung were quite surprised when I told them we were going out tonight.” You said to break the silence.

Yoongi tilted his head in a slight surprise, his eyes still focused on the road. “You told them about us?” He almost didn’t believe it.

You rolled my eyes and chuckled. “It was hard not to. Especially after Jimin found out about the hickeys you had left on me.”

He proudly smiled at the thought of that. “My hard work shouldn’t go unnoticed.” He joked, making you smile at his stupid comment. “You seem to have covered them well though.” He added, noticing the lack of love bites on your neck, even though he knew they were still lingering.

You couldn’t help but pout as he said that. “Yeah, because of you I have to wake up earlier to cover them up with concealer.” You whined, making his heart melt by the way you said that.

“Cute.” He whispered under his breath. “I guess I’ll apologize for the inconvenience.” He said oddly formally, making you well aware he didn’t really mean it.

This was nice, you thought to yourself, but then your mind decided to ruin it for you again. Don’t feel special, he’s probably like this with all those other girls. Overthinking had become your specialty over the couple of years, especially when it was around the topic of ‘Min Yoongi.’ And now it had become a threat to fully enjoying your night. As you were staring out of the window, you started to notice the streets were getting oddly familiar. You narrowed your eyes as you carefully examined the buildings and street signs, trying your best to recognize why it all felt so familiar. But that’s when it hit you…

“Wait, are we…” You softly spoke, almost inaudible to Yoongi, but just loud enough for him to hear. However, he didn’t say anything and just started smiling at himself until you arrived. And that’s when your speculation got confirmed. A small restaurant hidden in the city, the outside covered with plants and fairy lights. “Oh my god, Yoongi.” It was the place where you had your first date.

Yoongi parked the car before he asked. “Don’t like it?” He was a bit unsure if this was the right move.

“No, I…do.” You were in awe as you looked a the place with wide eyes. “It is the same as how I remember it.” You smiled, turning to him, seeing his eyes were already on you. Shit. You were feeling those damn butterflies again.

“I’m glad you like it.”

As Yoongi and you stepped out of the car, you couldn’t help but get a little bit emotional about this place. Not only did you have your first date here, but many dates after that. You came so often that the boss started to recognize you every time you came, even stopping by sometimes to join in your conversations. A soft smile painted your face the more you thought of it, the feeling of nostalgia hugging you.

“Wait-“ Yoongi spoke before you walked in, gently pulling you in for a kiss. “Now we can go.”

This man…

The waitress outside greeted you with a bright smile as Yoongi asked if there was still a spot free for you two. She let you to a free table outside and you two happily sat down. “I don’t know why, but being here again is kind of weird.” You opened the menu, seeing nothing had changed from the last time you two ate here.

“I know right.” He chuckled, happy he had chosen this date idea. “Just pick whatever, I’ll pay.”

“It’s fine, Yoongi. I don’t care about these gender roles-”

“I don’t either, but I want to pay.”

You looked up from the menu for a second, noticing two piercing eyes looking at you. Your eyes widen, frozen in your current pose as your eyes met hers. Oh no…The woman quickly walked over to your table. Oh no…

“I thought I recognized you two! I haven’t seen you in ages, I thought you had moved to another city or something.” The old lady spoke with joy, almost sounding emotional at the sight of you. “It warms my heart you two are still together. How have you been?”

You moved your eyes over to Yoongi, not sure how to respond to this. However, he just smiled at her, ignoring the fact you were unsure what to do. “Yeah, we both were just so busy the last couple of years, plus we also wanted to save up some money to move out so that’s why. But luckily we finally found a free slot in our busy schedules to enjoy some time together again at our favorite place.”

You’ve never heard so much bullshit coming from someone’s mouth at once. However, Miss Kang was completely eating this up. “I’m happy to see you again. Can’t believe it’s been so long, you’ve really grown into adults, it’s making me slightly emotional even.” Were those tears in her eyes? “I’ll let you two be for now, enjoy the food!”

With a tilted head, you looked back to Yoongi, giving him a ‘what-was-that’ kind of look. He just shrugged his shoulders. “If you want to tell her the truth, go ahead. But then you’ll break a poor lady’s heart.” He said to toy with you, holding onto his chest as if his heart hurt.

“I don’t think I have the heart to do so.” I said, putting on my best act to sound emotional, making Yoongi chuckle.

Shockingly enough, there wasn’t a moment where you two fought or anything close to that. This was actually…really nice. But your mind knew its way to ruin it for you again. He better have not brought any other girls to this place…But then again, if he did, the owner wouldn’t have been so surprised to see us. Stop thinking! Just enjoy this for a second. You barely went out lately. It had just been work, work, and more work. Taking on more shifts you could actually handle. Jimin liked to tease you for it, saying you barely had any time for him and the boys. He then would follow up with a fake cry and dabbing away his fake tears.

The night flew by, and how darker the night got, the brighter the fairy lights shone. It seemed like a scene out of a movie, how romantic. After dinner, Yoongi invited you to his apartment, and not to do any funny business perse, he quickly added after suggesting that. So after him paying for your food, a car ride, and some more flirting, you two were standing in front of his apartment complex. You looked up at it in awe, seeing it must have cost a nice amount of money…

“You live…here?” You ask, almost in denial that this was where Yoongi lived.

He was searching for his keys as the two of you head inside. “What? I’ve been working hard.” He said nonchalantly as he noticed your wide eyes. And that’s when you realized…Yoongi didn’t live in an apartment, this was a penthouse. “Don’t forget, when you were still in college, I was starting to create a name for myself, so this just didn’t happen in one two three. And it’s not the biggest around, so no need to be so in shock.”

“But still!” You didn’t care if it wasn’t the biggest or the most luxurious, it was still something you could never afford with your café money. The two of you took the elevator to the seventh floor and you couldn’t hide your amazement at Yoongi’s living space. “No wonder girls like to spend the night with you.” You said without putting much thought behind it.

He just scoffed. “Are you saying my wonderful personality isn’t enough for them?”

You rolled your eyes and smirked. “I bet it is.”

Yoongi opened his front door, letting you into his penthouse. “Ladies first.” You stepped your first foot in and already were impressed by how nice it looked inside. It was decorated with a lot of dark and wood undertones, but you didn’t expect anything else from him. You awkwardly stood in his living room, waiting for him to say “Please, take a seat. Make yourself at home.” You carefully sat down on his sofa, watching Yoongi walk over to his liquor cabinet, and pour a drink both for him and you. He walked back to you with two glasses in his hand. “Drink up, It’ll help you loosen up.” He said as he handed over the alcoholic drink. “So tell me, how has y/n’s life been doing ever since she and Min Yoongi broke up.” Yoongi placed down the liquor bottle and placed himself next to you, nonchalantly putting his arms around your shoulders.

You couldn’t help but chuckle at his weird way of asking that. “Well-” You spoke “After graduating, I just continued working at the café. And to be honest, I really enjoy it there. I’ve even been considering opening one myself, but first I need to do some more research and save up some more money to do that.”

“So you tell me, all those nights you were busy studying instead of going out, were all for a bachelor you ended up not using?” He teased. “So all those nights you could’ve been spending the night with me-”

“Augh, shut up!” You interrupted.

Yoongi laughed before taking another sip from his drink. “I’m joking, getting a bachelor’s degree in the first place is really impressive. And I’m just happy you found something that you like doing.”

“Thank you.” You smile, circling your finger on the rim of the glass. “I see your music producing has gotten you far.”

Yoongi always stayed humble. “I just got lucky, it took me a while to get here.”

“I’m not surprised though, you always had talent. I think it was just a matter of time for you to be successful.” When you said that, you spoke from the heart. On Yoongi’s free days, he would spend the night at your dorm, making you listen to whatever draft he had worked on that day. You always loved it, no matter if it was a biased opinion or not. You just felt confident he was meant to be successful.

“Is that why you’re back?” He teased. “I always knew you were a gold digger.”

“Augh-“ You playfully sighed. “You know that’s not true.” You took another sip from your drink, noticing yourself getting more lightheaded. “Does that occur often? Girls just wanting you for your money?”

“No, this all just happened recently. They are always impressed though.” Another sip. “Besides, I don’t have enough to be someone’s sugar daddy, if that’s what you’re thinking about.”

“You’ve made yourself quite the subject around the girls I know.”

“Did I?” You smirked, not because he felt proud about being the number one topic in Jia’s friend group, but more out of sheer curiosity. “Tell me more.”

“Well, especially Jia. One time she was even telling me about how great the size of your dick was.” A sign of you getting more and more intoxicated by the minute, was the fact you started to say everything unfiltered. “It drove me nuts, especially because I could imagine every single detail she described.” You said with a look of disgust. “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t have said that.” You say, turning to Yoongi with wide eyes and your hand covering your mouth.

However, he found this rather amusing. “No, no, it’s fine. Please, continue.” He chuckled. “Didn’t expect I was such a hot topic.”

“She also told me some of her friends had done the deed with you. Can’t believe you.” You said with rolling eyes before emptying your glass. “They talk about you in a way that I could never imagine.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“They act as if you’re this sex god or something.” You say with a confused expression on your face. “I’ve heard them talk about you once and I never knew people could say such filthy things in one sitting. You really got them wrapped around your finger, I got to give you that.”

Yoongi just laughed, a bit embarrassed to be honest. He noticed your face getting redder by the minute, and not because you were embarrassed, but because of the alcohol. “Your mind probably thinks, fuck, not that bastard again.” He said jokingly, even though he knew there was some truth behind it.

You couldn’t help but laugh at his reaction. “Initially, it does.” Your smile faded into a softer one as you reminisce about the former version of Yoongi. “But then I think about how you were in high school. That sweet boy in the back of the class who was even too shy to ask me out.” The smile Yoongi noticed appearing on your face made him feel appreciated, since now he knew how you really thought about him whenever his name got mentioned. “I only started to think you were a bastard after we broke up the first time.”

Yoongi just scoffed as he took another sip of his drink. “That’s when it all went south.” He laughed. “I guess I’ll have to show you the best of me from now on.” He teased as he eyed down your glass, noticing the lack of liquor left in it. “Should I pour more for you?”

You happily nodded as you handed him your glass. “Yes please!” He just smiled as he went back to his cabinet to fill your glass for round two. You just studied Yoongi’s anatomy as he was pouring the drink. How his shirt accentuated his back muscles, how broad his shoulders became as he got older, or how beautiful his long black hair was. What a sight to be seen. Yoongi turned back around, handing back your drink as he sat down next to you, in the same position as before. He took another sip from his drink, something obviously gnawing on his conscious.

That’s when he decided to ask it. “How are things between you and Jungkook?”

You couldn’t help but feel a bit uneasy whenever Jungkook’s name got mentioned in conversations. Especially since you got together with Jungkook after the break up with Yoongi…“Good, we’re best friends now.” But you noticed the weird look Yoongi gave you after you gave your answer. “What?”

“Nothing.” He quickly said to shrug off any suspicion. “Why did you guys break up though?”

“Eh, it’s my turn to ask a question now” You didn’t want to keep talking about Jungkook anymore, especially when it came to Yoongi. Why would you want to be honest about your emotions?

Yoongi was a bit taken aback by your reaction. “Didn’t know we were taking turns. But all right, go ahead.”

You felt your heartbeat increase by the question that was lingering in your head. “How many other girls are you seeing beside me.”

Yoongi moved a bit closer to you. “Wouldn’t you like to know, huh?” He said he locked his eyes onto yours, noticing the seriousness on your face. “Well, that’s private.”

Your eyebrows frowned as he said that. “Private?!” You said baffled.

“Hmh? What? Aren’t you the one being secretive about us too?” He asked in the most unserious tone.

“fine”

He chuckled before emptying his glass as well. “Now, back to my former question. Why did you two break up?”

“Uhm.” The thing was, no matter how much alcohol you drank, there was no way in hell that you could tell him the real reason you broke up with Jungkook. Oh, I quickly discovered that he was just a rebound and that I was actually still in love with you. But when I wanted to get back together, you were already busy fucking half the girls of the town. So I just came to the conclusion we weren’t meant to be to start with. Yeah right. t“We just didn’t match.”

“That’s all?”

“Yup.”

Yoongi would’ve believed you if you said that statement in full confidence. But the mixture of you waiting too long to respond and saying your sentence with hesitation made it very clear to him that there was something you weren’t telling him. But he also knew he wasn’t going to get it out of you tonight. “Alright then.”

After your second glass, you realized you really shouldn’t have had another one. Because unsurprisingly enough, you couldn’t really handle alcohol that well. “Can you kiss me now though? I’ve been dying for you to give me another one but without much success.” You tried to say in your most seductive tone, but due to your drunkenness, it came out a bit funny.

“So needy all of a sudden, huh?”

“Hmh, kissy kiss please.” You pouted your lips like a fish as you leaned into Yoongi to plant one on him.

Yoongi frowned his brows as he suddenly backed away from you, a sinister smirk formed on his lips. “Wait, are you drunk already?” He said bewildered, not believing anyone could easily get that drunk.

You scoffed. “You’re a silly man with silly questions. I don’t think I am. Which means we can take this further, right tiger?” Stroking your index finger from his chest to just above his groin.

He shook his head in disbelief. “Alright, You’re drunk y/n”

“Maybe a little.”

“Well, I’m not, so there won’t be any funny business tonight.” You suddenly felt the touch of his hands around your wrist, holding your hand back from touching him any further.

“Heh!” You couldn’t believe it. “But you know I like to fuck when I’m drunk.”

Yoongi couldn’t help but smile out of embarrassment, not expecting you to have said that. Min Yoongi being a bit shy? “I know, but it’s weird when I’m sober.”

“But I’ve been dying to kiss you, touch you, fuck you.” You leaned in even closer to Yoongi, the distance between your faces being minimal, hoping this would reel him in.

But to your disappointment, it didn’t work. “I’m flattered, really, but don’t worry I won’t be going anywhere soon.”

You pouted, your heart aching from the idea that he didn’t want to touch you. How dare he. “Can we just hug then?”

“Hugging is fine.”

You quickly wrapped your arms around Yoongi, pressing your cheek against his chest, appreciating the softness of his shirt. You were listening to his heartbeat as if it were a lullaby. With every thump the relaxer you got. “I haven’t spoken to you for three years and it feels like yesterday we were together.” You mumbled.

“Weird huh?” He said softly.

Something in you wanted to tell him you missed him, but your little heart couldn’t get itself to do it. It would’ve made you too vulnerable and you didn’t want to ruin this moment to speak up about your complicated feelings for Yoongi. It could mean absolutely nothing to him, but you were just happy to be able to lay in his arms tonight. Cause after tonight, you knew he was just going to the next girl on his list. But the sudden feeling of his thumb caressing your arm as he held you made your eyes water. He wasn’t talking, just watching admiring you. The silence felt far from awkward. It was more comforting than something else.

You felt your eyelids getting heavy though. “Would you have a problem with me if I fell asleep right now?”

Yoongi chuckled, not surprised you were already going to crash. “Of course not”

“We’ll the chance of that happening is very high.” You mumbled. “Why do you smell so good.” You said it as if it was a bad thing. Which for you kind of was, because it made you crave for more of him. You looked up to him and when his eyes met yours, a smile appeared on your face out of reflex. “You’re so beautiful.”

The moment you said that, you saw Yoongi’s features soften up. His eyebrows turned into a pleading kind of expression, his eyes twinkling and his mouth slightly open. “Oh y/n…” He said as if his heart was hurting.

“What?”

He let out a defeated sigh as he tucked a strand of your hand behind your ear. “Nothing. I’m just happy to see you again.” You saw his pupils move from one place to another as he was examining your face like a work of art. “Maybe we should head to bed.”

“Ooh, we?” You teased, still trying to get him to do all those things he said he would over the phone.

“Come on.” He moved up from his seat, reaching his hand for you to take it, which you did in seconds, of course. He led you to his bedroom, seeing how luxurious it looked, making you even madder he didn’t want to do anything with you tonight. “I’ll give you my shirt to sleep in.” He walked over to his closet, grabbed a black shirt, and handed it to you.

You accepted it in full grace, happy to be wearing his clothes again. He used to do this as well when you came to his place three years ago. It almost felt like a privilege. “Turn around though.”

“Are you serious?” Yoongi said appalled, almost sounding offended. Not because he really wanted to see you naked or something, but rather because he had seen you naked multiple times, Hoseok’s party excluded. But he just guessed because it had been a long time, you had lost that comfort in him.

“Yes, this is very exclusive content!” You pouted. Yes, you knew Yoongi had already seen every little crevice of your body, but because of his abundance of experience, you became a bit insecure.  

“I’ll go ahead and brush my teeth already then.” He said, respecting your needs.

“Oh, I don’t have a toothbrush.”

“One night won’t ruin your dental hygiene.”

As Yoongi headed inside his bathroom, you quickly changed into his shirt. You were blushing to yourself, feeling rather proud to be able to wear his shirts. I hope no other girl has worn this. A moment later you were lying down on his bed, quickly realizing the sheets smelled like Yoongi. You really were on Cloud 9. After a few minutes, he came back wearing only a pair of briefs. Even though you’ve seen his chest multiple times, you still were too timid to look, making you turn your head to the side. “What’s the matter? First time seeing a bare-chested man?” He said sarcastically

“I’m feeling violated.”

He placed himself next to you, hovering over you. “Next time you’ll be drinking the weak stuff first and I’ll just drink the hard stuff myself, lightweight.” He gently grabbed your face and planted a kiss on your forehead. “Then we can get drunk at the same pace, how about that?”

You smiled, pulling him in for a kiss on the lips. “Sounds like a great idea.” This felt weird. This whole night felt weird. Not because of you or Yoongi in particular. But because it all felt like weird déjà vu. “Alright, goodnight y/n.” He said before turning off the light

“Goodnight Yoongi.” You rubbed your face against the pillow, creating a little malt to fit your face nicely to sleep in. The sudden feeling of his arm snaking around your waist almost made you cry. He pulled you a bit closer, feeling his heartbeat against your back. You smiled. Cause tonight, you were his and his only.

“Don’t kiss me I have morning breath.” When you found yourself in Yoongi’s arms, and a painful headache, the next morning, you realized how bad of a combo you and alcohol are.

Yoongi chuckled before leaning in closer to you. “Like I care Besides, yesterday you were very persistent on me kissing you.” He teased with a smirk.

“I talk a bit too much when I’m tipsy.” You pouted as you felt Yoongi’s lips on your neck.

“Tipsy?” He teased.

“Shut up.” You sat up straight, stretching your body to wake yourself up. “I can’t stay long though, I have to be at work at 12.” Your heart was feeling sad you had to leave already.

Yoongi sat straight as well. “It’s fine, I have a meeting in the afternoon, so I couldn’t stay either,” He gently grabbed your chin, pulling you in for a kiss. “unfortunately.” Yoongi moved up from his bed, stretching at well. “Let me take a quick shower before I drop you off.”

However, you did not hear that last sentence Yoongi just said. Because Yoongi was indeed, a healthy man. And healthy men would occasionally get morning wood. It was not your fault it distracted you for a minute. You quickly moved your eyes away from his clothed erection and decided to keep your focus strictly on Yoongi’s face. “Sorry, what?”

Yoongi smirked at the sight of you being flustered. “I said I was going to take a quick shower, but it seems that you were a bit distracted.”

“Just go shower, please!”

Yoongi just shook his head in disbelief. “You’re a lot of talk when you’re drunk, but sober you’re such a pussy.” He said before closing the door behind him. During Yoongi’s shower, you put back on your own clothes as you heard the shower head running. You caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, noticing the rubbed-out mascara that made you look like a raccoon. You tried your best to tame your hair but without much luck. You heard a notification noise coming from somewhere, but it wasn’t from your phone. Curiosity got the best of you, so you quickly took a glimpse at the text Yoongi received.

[09:21] Eunha: Yoongi~ I hope tonight is still on. I haven’t heard from you yet so I’m getting worried ㅠㅠ

The urge to text her back yourself to tell you that he was busy with someone else, was immense. But you just bit your tongue and ignored it. It was the universe telling you that you were, indeed, not special. Being Yoongi’s one and only was too good to be true. You just sighed, laying back down and trying your best to get your mind out of the gutter. After a few minutes of waiting, Yoongi was done with his shower and decided to come out of the bathroom with just a towel around his waist. You really are testing me, aren’t you? You took a little peak, before covering your eyes with your arms, making Yoongi chuckle. “You can look you know? I don’t mind.”

“I feel more comfortable likes this.”

His lips left a little ‘tsk’ sound as he started to get dressed, telling you after a few minutes it was safe to open your eyes again. You sat up from the bed, smiling innocently at Yoongi as if you didn’t want him to rearrange your guts yesterday, but now you were chickening out. “y/n-” You hear Yoongi whisper, making you turn your body to him. You felt his hands creep onto your waist as he leaned in a bit. “Before we go, can I just…” He pulled your body closer to his, making you hold onto his shoulders as he gently pressed you against the door. You could feel his breath against your lips, waiting for a second before pressing his lips against yours, his lips slowly moving against yours. A rush of excitement went through your body by Yoongi’s sudden need for you. You could feel his hand squeezing your breast as if he had been waiting for the opportunity to do so, making you let out a small wince. His lips left yours and a grin painted his face. “Alright, let’s go.” You weren’t sure what just happened, or why he suddenly had the need to do that. You’d be lying if it didn’t leave you wanting more, but neither of you had the time for it anymore. Making you think he did this on purpose.

After the two of you left his apartment, he drove you back home, which didn’t take that long. Conveniently enough, his house was that far from yours. After holding the door for you again and walking up to your front door, you couldn’t believe this was already over. “Thanks for last night, I really had fun.” You said before opening the door.

“So did I.” He smiled before it turned into a slight grin. “Now that you stopped pretending you don’t want to see me, how about I come over to pick you up this Friday?”

Suddenly, the text from that girl named Eunha popped into your head, altering your answer. “I’ll think about it.” You said with a hint of sadness.

Yoongi leaned in closer, holding your waist for a second before planting another kiss on your lips. “Let me know, okay? See you soon y/n.” He smiled before letting go of you. You watch him drive off before heading into your home, leaning against the door as soon as it’s closed. But when you caught yourself being a little bit too smiley, you mentally slapped yourself out of it. Don’t do this to yourself No, you weren’t going to fall in love with him again. No matter how nice he would be to you. He was an upper-fuckboy and you should know better. You were just another one in his long contact list of girls. So tonight you made a promise to yourself. The moment you started to catch feelings for Yoongi, you would cut him out of your life.

Simple.

Taglist; @flowerblu00, @brinda-9, @seokjinkismet, @sugainmybowl, @mxxxnshine

[i-heart-hxh]

Could you ever see yourself falling out of love with hxh completely? I ask because I find myself going through phases of being obsessed and then not thinking about it at all but I always find myself coming back to it. But sometimes I wonder if one day I’ll just never come back. I feel like this fandom is really emotionally tiring to be w sometimes bc of how rarely togashi releases chapters, it feels like there’s kinda no hope? lol

It really helps though when I see users like you who have just been a constant for so long though

Hello!

Hmmm, I strongly doubt I'll ever move on from HxH. For one thing, once something truly wins me over I'm often a lifelong fan (I have multiple things I've been a fan of for many, many years and still deeply love), and also I feel like HxH has a few different factors that make it a source of endless fascination for me.

It's a multi-layered masterpiece with many different aspects and details to explore and enjoy and notice upon revisiting it

It fits my personal taste and interests very well, both as a series and as a fandom

The emotional hold it has on me has yet to fade at all--I think it just resonates with me so deeply that it's become a well of emotion that continues to fill

That said, part of how I can sustain interest in things over a long period of time is because I don't limit myself to HxH by any means: I watch/read a lot of other anime/manga, and I have other hobbies and interests as well. Even though I'm definitely obsessed with HxH primarily at this point, I'll get side obsessions with other things that give me some variety.

I definitely don't expect others to feel like they "have" to stick with HxH or any other fandom interest over the long-term, though, even though that's what makes me happy. Please do what feels right to you--whether that's staying, coming and going when you feel like it, or leaving and not coming back. There's not a set right or wrong way to enjoy things and ultimately only you can determine what brings you joy and what you want to spend your time and energy on.

It's true that the future of the series is very up in the air; it's certainly possible we won't ever get to see the end. But, I'm grateful for every chapter we get, I'm grateful for Togashi's hard work and amazing storytelling, and if we don't ever get to see how it ends, I'm still happy to have been on the journey nonetheless. I've taken Ging's words to heart in that sense. If Togashi is unable to finish the series, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but in the meantime I'll keep cheering him along and being excited for what's ahead.

[sleeplesssmoll]

yet another question because i like your analyses ... what do you consider to be vertin's love language? what's her favourite to give and what's her favourite to receive. also can i ask the same for sonetto and schneider

The way my brain works is it latches into certain personality traits or in game events and then tries to find context in game to deepen these ideas/theories. A lot of these ideas end up getting exaggerated and honestly a new piece of in-game lore could change how I feel about them. Ngl, I started getting self-indulgent with this one. With that little disclaimer out of the way, here we go!

Vertin as the giver: The Provider

She can be over the top with her grand displays of affection, but Vertin will love you like she is going to lose you. Due to the Storm, she very well might.

Physical touch! Especially holding hands or touching people's hair. this post has all evidence your honor.

Providing for / fulfilling desires. Will spoil her loved ones rotten.

Your happiness is her happiness, but that also means your dissatisfaction/sadness/anger is her failure.

Will support your ideas, dreams, and from time to time, your mischief.

Will compliment and praise you. Cheesy but endearing.

Doesn't like mornings, but will always wake up with you.

If you say you lie about not wanting food (she can tell), she'll order more than she can eat by herself and ask you for "help". She always orders food with the intention of sharing

Wants to take you on trips and try new things together.

Attentive to your reactions and body language. It seems like she can read your mind at times, which makes things easier. Unfortunately, you can't read hers...

Vertin as the recipient: Comfortable as a Lover, Uncertain as the Loved.

In her mind, she is the one who is supposed to be providing for you so when someone does “too much” for her, she feels like she's taking advantage of them or letting them down in some way

Will hardly ask for anything aside from occasional favors. However, she'll always accept gifts no matter how bizarre or dangerous. Give her a rock and she'll treasure it in her room. Ugly shirt as a gag gift? She'll definitely wear it.

Likes to be involved and engaged in activities alongside you. Invite her to do things you're interested in/hobbies 

Unlike Smoltin, the Timekeeper doesn't share many of her interests. She's too busy accomodating the needs of others. Ask her to play the piano or that you'd like to see her paintings. This will create an opportunity for her to open up about things she likes under the guise of doing a service for you. Really, it'll benefit both parties. NOTE: rejecting these aspects of her or dismissing her when she tries to share something with you is a big no-no. She'll stop trying to open up. (Smoltin would keep trying, but the Timekeeper will respect your perceived disinterest)

While she can "read your mind", confirming your thoughts wouldn't hurt. Let her know you enjoy doing things together or if anything is bothering you. You opening up to her is a huge deal for her! She wants to do everything she can for you and having your trust means a lot to her.

Ironically, Vertin will never tell you “everything” and that's something you have to accept. It's not even a trust thing, but due to the way she perceives time. She values her time with you and doesn't want to ruin these precious moments with negativity since time is so fleeting. She'd rather stay positive in case that day happens to be your last day together.

If an argument does occur, Vertin is the one who gets banished to the couch. However, she usually offers on her own when she knows what's coming. Even when arguing, she still wants her loved one to be as cozy as possible. She won't allow them sleep on the couch. She doesn't like arguing and will try to make things better as soon as possible.

Sonetto as the giver: The Guard Dog

Loyalty and protectiveness (comes with possessiveness) . Will sacrifice herself for her loved ones.

Nurturing; despite people thinking she's always going to obey, Sonetto will tug on the leash if anything endangers her loved ones; including her loved ones themselves. Expect a “debate” (it's not really a debate because she won't budge until you yield) on why you need to take care of yourself or else she'll do it for you.

Clingy; Just wants to be close. Doesn't like being separated

Learning about you; she wants to be part of your life not just a bystander in it. Your favorite foods, colors, etc. She wants to know everything!

Putting up with a lot. She will follow you to hell and back. She won't approve a bad decision, but will stick around because she doesn't want you to get hurt.

Will learn new skills just to help you. If she can't do something for you now, she'll work to become someone who can in the future.

Sonetto as the Recipient: The Puppy

Wants physical intimacy but is sometimes uncertain on how to initiate. Hugs, hand-holding, kisses, she wants it all. Will initiate once she feels more confident.

Verbal praise! Let her know she's done well or compliment her.

Reaffirmation. Tell her you like her to remove doubts (you'd be surprised how powerful telling a loved one “I love you” is. Propaganda to tell an important person in your life you love them because you'll never know when the last day you can say it will come.)

Encourage her to embrace her curiosity and explore the world with her. Be patient with her as she figures things out. Even better, be proud of her.

Helping her with her crosswords in the newspaper is great for bonding time. Also likes to have meals together

Won't steal your food but she makes puppy eyes at you without realizing. Food will be shared both ways.

She likes poetry and books the most but she's happy to receive anything from her beloved.

Big doggy, but little spoon. This is one is purely self-indulgence because big doggies alway act like cuddly puppies. Puppnetto is Canon.

Will never banish her loved ones to the couch. She doesn't stay mad long enough for that and will want to cuddle even if she's angry. Her puppy eyes make her immune to banishment as well.

Schneider as the giver: Bloody Valentine

Will kill for you and die for you 

Will never keep her hands of the person she loves. PDA is imminent.

Flirty, playful, but likes to have serious and deeper conversations from time to time. This is a sign she likes you.

Clingy, but will disappear on you randomly to see if you chase her. Will reward you with lots of attention once you find her.

Will always choose her loved ones above all else

Schneider as the recipient: Wants The Love she Never Had

While she was the backbone for her family, she is a spoiled brat with her beloved. Attention, thoughtful gifts & gestures, and everything else she didn't have as a child (or had to earn herself) are expected.

Schneider values Stability and Loyalty in her partners. Despite her tough talk, she spent a majority of her life providing shelter for her family and dragging them out of poverty at her own expense. She wants someone who will stick beside her through thick and thin, despite the chaos in her life. NOTE: Sometimes she'll do something crazy just to see how her loved one would react

While she likes to tease and menace her loved ones, she will always remind them how much she loves them. She is someone who will prove it too.

Doesn't like to listen. She must be persuaded.

Dates to public places are fine, but when she's really into someone she'd rather spend more time alone with them.

Wants 6 kids, a dog, a cat, and a bird. She had 11 sisters! She's being reasonable here.

Is the one who keeps the bed and banishes people to the couch if she's mad. However, her loved ones will wake up in the middle of the night to find her sleeping against them on the couch. She loves you even when she can't stand you putting pineapple on pizza.

When it comes to food, what's yours is her's. Food thief! But, she'll be more than happy to feed you the same food she just nicked off your plate.

[littlemoonastrology]

All About: GEMINI ♊︎ - The Zodiac Signs

This post will cover all the basic information needed to understand Gemini, the third Zodiac Sign!

Take a look at my other posts to see information on: Aries and Taurus!

I bet you can't guess what Zodiac Sign is coming next... Maybe you can. If you still don't know it's Cancer, so keep a look out!

If you feel like this post has helped you feel free to Follow, Reblog or Repost (as long as I'm credited! I'm relatively new to Tumblr so I'm still learning about how all this works)!

~

Gemini ♊︎

Date (Only applies to Sun Signs): May 21 - June 20

Symbol: ♊︎ - The Twins

Associated House: Third

Associated Degrees: 3°, 15°, 27°

Associated Energy: Masculine

Planetary Ruler(s): ☿ Mercury (Modern and Traditional)

Element: Air

Modality: Mutable

Keywords: Charismatic, Intelligent, Curious, Independent, Communicative, Multipassionate

Playful, fun, communicative and charismatic are all words that can be used to describe those with Gemini placements! This sign may be an intellectual and enjoys exploring different hobbies, interests, opinions for their own enjoyment (although there may be one or two things they have a natural affinity for), they're the multipassionates! This sign is insanely curious and always ready to learn more, although they may not do well in a structured environment and prefer to do things in their own way - going with the flow. A Gemini friend will appreciate those with a sharp mind and don't take things too seriously, will hear out their opinion and have interesting debates! If you have similar hobbies with a Gemini friend then the bond will only strengthen further as they are not the person to bond over small talk. These placements need mental stimulation and look for that in most if not all aspects of their life.

To some extent, a Gemini placement may have a knack for "smooth talking" and may beat around the bush in order to get a response or avoid aggression. Whilst Gemini does love speaking about different hobbies, controversial topics and the such they still deeply care about people's opinions of them whether they show it or not and do their best to stay out of drama (however this may not stop them from gossiping every now and then). A Gemini placement usually never has any kind of bad intent and if needed, they will care for their friends and can be pretty wise. (Some natives of this placement however may not care about other's opinions at all and are very stable in themselves, not really caring about getting in drama - they might actually find it fun).

When insecure, feeling stuck or stagnant a Gemini placement may become completely fixed on a goal or end up overindulging in something in unhealthy ways - maybe they have a tendency to become controlling or fall into some kind of addiction as a way of escapism. They may unintentionally start to depend on other people and can come across as clingy - maybe to some extent depending on people for their own self-worth which may hint towards codependency issues. In some cases, a Gemini may resort to manipulation and deception in order to get what they want.

A Gemini placement is at their peak when they are enjoying life, exploring their hobbies, talking to people but also when they are able to go by some kind of structure in order for them to stay committed... This sign's biggest lesson is to not stay in a stagnant energy, but also on the other side not become someone destructive (whether that's towards themselves or other aspects of their life).

~

Notes/Keywords/Phrases

Zodiac Sign

Each of the Zodiac Signs are a constellation. The Zodiac Sign shows how a Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House is being represented and expressed. Once a Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House falls into a Zodiac Sign, it adopts the energy of it.

For example: if Mercury falls into the constellation Sagittarius, Mercury adopts Sagittarian traits. If the 6th House falls into the constellation Aquarius, the 6th House adopts Aquarian traits.

Associated House

The Houses in Astrology are dependent on the time and location of birth in a Natal Chart and there are 12 different ones. Each of these 12 Houses are then assigned to a Zodiac Sign and 1 or 2 Planetary Rulers. The Houses in Astrology show you what area of life the energy of the Zodiac and Planets/Asteroids/Fixed Points is appointed to and helps provide depth into the chart.

For example: Capricorn's Associated House is the 10th House.

Associated Degrees

When a Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House falls into a Zodiac Sign constellation, it will be appointed a Degree. This Degree shows how far along the Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House is in a Zodiac Sign. Each Degree is also associated with a Zodiac Sign, meaning when this Degree comes up it can nuance the way the Zodiac Sign of a Planet/Asteroid/Fixed Point/House is being represented.

For example: Mars is 6° in the Zodiac Cancer, 6° represents Virgo - therefore the Cancer Mars also takes on Virgo traits. The 2nd House is 23° in the Zodiac Scorpio, 23° represents Aquarius - therefore the 2nd House in Scorpio takes on Aquarian traits.

Planetary Ruler(s)

This phrase refers to the Planet(s) that rule a Zodiac Sign. When a Planet falls into the Zodiac Sign it has rulership over, the energy of both the Planet and the Zodiac Sign is amplified.

For example: Pisces' Planetary Ruler is Neptune.

Modern / Traditional

These words are associated with two kinds of Astrology: Modern Astrology and Traditional Astrology. Traditional Astrology refers to Astrology that was practiced before the 19th century, whilst Modern Astrology refers to Astrology that is practiced now. Some people choose to practice Traditional Astrology, some people choose to practice Modern Astrology, whilst some others might practice both types or combine them together.

Element

Each Zodiac Sign/Planet/House/Degree is associated with an Element and this covers certain traits which are unique to the Zodiac Sign/Planet/House/Degree they correspond to.

These Elements are: Fire, Air, Water and Earth.

Modality

Much like an Element, each Zodiac Sign/Planet/House/Degree is associated with a Modality. The Modality describes what the focus of a placement is and how the energy is expressed.

There are 3 different Modalities: Cardinal, Mutable and Fixed.

[vizthedatum]

cw: a huge vent

Yeah, I woke up early, felt ok physically (was slightly flaring yesterday but I had a really nice time with my gf and it really made up for all of it haha), and then went down memory lane and started crying.

Then, I ate ice cream for breakfast.

Facepalm.

Today, I'm supposed to start a whole new regimen of supplements and meds (I'm still not on as many prescription meds as I've typically been, and I'd like to see how much I can keep it that way). I have my medication pill organizer all organized! I've written out notes and schedules for myself: morning, afternoon, evening, emergencies, morning routine, nighttime routine, grocery lists, etc.

*cries*

I know I will adhere to this - I am trying to give myself so many chances to succeed in life - I WANT TO LIVE FOR MYSELF.

--

I feel so stupid for falling in love with the people of my past.

I feel so stupid for making so many mistakes.

Every day I wonder if I'm just a bad person.

I still apologize for a lot of my unmasked traits.

I am still regretting my poor behavior with a lot of people.

Was I a lousy spouse? Was I a bad child? Am I the actual abuser in all of this?!

What could I have done to make it better??????????

Should I have just stayed quiet - ignored things until I vanished?

--

Sometimes, I wonder if I actually did kill Pri (dead-nickname and the name I used to go by) - what if I killed her so that she didn't have to live through the complex web of lies that she had created for herself?

I GAVE ALL OF THEM SO MUCH BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

I know that I've just recycled parts of her instead - recycled her into who she wanted to be: me.

I'm not plural, but having had PTSD and undiagnosed autism and ADHD for so long... it feels so jarring to be more authentic.

It's so jarring to heal.

--

And what about everyone that Pri loved???

I've often said in this blog that I've been reevaluating everyone Pri loved. I told my therapist last week that I don't regret cutting all the friendships/relationships off from the last year EXCEPT FOR ONE. (Edit: in the end, I have to admit - that situationship or whatever wasn’t really respectful to me - and while I enjoyed aspects, it was a joke of what I truly deserve)

I was so fucking caught up in my trauma that I just couldn't handle it - and I hurt someone I really cared about. I keep telling myself that they didn't even really care about me - but I'm sure they did, at least as a friend or a person in their life.

That relationship made me question a lot, but I was already questioning many things.

That relationship made me realize how poorly I valued myself and how badly I misjudged the toxic way I was attracted to other people.

That relationship wasn't what made me leave my ex-spouse, even if we had arguments about it.

My ex-spouse is why I left my ex-spouse.

The more I live by myself and reconnect with my hobbies, spirituality, friends, healthy depictions of love, etc. - the more I realize how UNSAFE I was.

I still weep at pictures of myself from 2019-2022.... how could someone who claimed to love me let me be in such disarray?

How could I have married someone in the midst of chaos, arguments, debates that were clearly meant to defeat me every time, psychological violence, etc.?!

Why didn't I just BREAK UP WITH THEM AND KICK THEM OUT YEARS AGO - instead of having the stupidest marriage where I was the only active participant, living in a dangerous and toxic environment, and being in financial devastation?

I am still recovering from the financial blow I took when I left them in 2022. Before I left, I barely had any credit card debt (I did have a lot of student loans but that is a whole other story - plus I had qualified for loan forgiveness before that was nixed by our government), my credit score was amazing, and I was going to try to recover from burnout (I AM STILL IN BURNOUT)....

I have no idea when I'll be able to really recover - I am trying to figure it all out, and of course, I have a plan (I must - I keep having to be forced into it - and I fucking like having a comfortable life)... but I wonder, when will be the day when I can't just do it anymore?

When will I be unable to "hack" life?

Will I relapse into my codependency and end up with immature partners who expect me to push through my autism and various other disabilities to the point of me completely falling apart while they yell at me about how ungrateful, selfish, and insecure I am?

Will I just be perpetually used as a sex object until people think I'm too ugly and too annoying to be used any further?

--

I have had to heal from who I was to figure all of these questions out. I wasn't in great long-term relationships before this one, and there were reasons for it.

I am investigating the why - I am trying to feel the emotions - I am trying to confront my own "shadows" - I am trying so hard.

I am also just trying to live life every day.

I am trying to do better on so many fronts now.

[mdazzle151]

Content creation and the things I miss

Being on an indefinite hiatus has really made me think a lot about what I did and didn’t enjoy about content creation as a whole, and it’s been pretty eye opening.

Obviously, there’s parts of it that I miss. The community, namely. But there’s other things too. I miss streaming- it was always really fun to be live and able to chat directly with my audience in real time while we draw together.

The redesign videos were really fun to make as well! I still have ideas of what I want the future redesigns to be for the “phantasi revamp”. I think I want the twins to be sea monsters! I’ve had a general idea of what I think they would look like in my head for a long time, but I never got around to doing it before I left.

I’m never sure if it’s self-centred or not- (recently I’ve been leaning towards not self-centred)- but I watch my videos a lot too. I put a lot of work and love into all of them, especially the later ones, and it’s fun to look back on them. Not to toot my own horn, but I think they’re pretty entertaining! 

There’s parts of editing that I miss- it was always a long process, but I can honestly say I enjoyed every part of it. Sometimes it was just hard to find the motivation to finish.

I still get comments every now and then on videos, and I read them all. Some of them are really sweet-actually a good majority of them are really sweet! One person wished me a happy birthday in March and it just about made me cry /pos

I’ve been enjoying interacting on Tumblr, and I still want to take things slow, but the more the days pass, the more tempted I am to start streaming again.

Part of me is disappointed in that felling, but I’m trying to be easy on myself for that. There’s no way I could’ve known how I would feel now, seven months later. Five if you’re counting from December.

The deal I made with myself was that I would stay “offline” for a minimum of six months- and ideally would be gone for two years so I could focus on my studies.

But honestly, if I’m missing content creation this much only six-ish months in, I’m wondering if I’m going to make it to that two year milestone. Maybe I won’t, maybe I will, but I need to remind myself that healing happens at different speeds. Maybe I thought I needed a longer time to heal and I just didn’t. Maybe I’m not ready to go back yet. I’m still figuring it out, I’m trying to take it slow.

Exploring my comfort on Tumblr has been interesting to say the least! It’s been fun, and I haven’t had anxiety around it. I’m really happy. I haven’t been focussing on the numbers or amount of interaction. I’ve just been having fun sharing my thoughts and drawings, which is what I want out of content creation.

When I left seven months ago, it was because of bad mental health and connecting self-worth to what I’m able to create. I still struggle with self-worth, but I think I’ve successfully separated it from my creativity- and in doing so, I’ve realized that I love Contant creation because of the creativity- not the possibility for opportunity.

I’ve noticed a pattern in every aspect of content creation that I have longed for in my time away. Everything I’ve had an itch to do has had to do with sharing creativity and passion for the art of creation. Where I used to think about play buttons and numbers and conventions- I now think about all the little details that I love about making videos and comics and stories.

Script writing, editing, recording voice overs, implementing comedy, delivering a message, exploring my artistic boundaries, over analyzing my old work, teaching others what I taught myself… there’s so much that I enjoy about it, and it makes my heart blossom knowing that THESE are the parts of being a CC that I miss, not the analytics and competition.

I’ve said for years that I see it as a hobby- a creative outlet for me and my community, and I truly believe that! But I’d be a liar if I said it was always this way. There were definitely times where I was focussing way too much on the career aspect of it, even though I haven’t wanted that to be my career for years now.

This break has really been good for me and my mental health- and it’s been really good for me to reconnect with what I actually enjoy about what I did.

I know that I’ll always struggle with mental health in some capacity- this isn’t something that you can just miracle away, after all. It’s going to be something that I struggle with for a lifetime, and even though that’s a hard pill to swallow, I’m slowly accepting it. I won’t ever be 100% okay, and that’s okay. what’s important to me is that I keep my heart happy and find joy in life- remember what I love and why I love it.

I get a little burst of excitement in my stomach when I think about returning too much. I’m not sure when it will happen, and I’m still not going to say it will happen (I have no idea what the future holds), but for now I can say wholeheartedly that I do hope I will return soon, wether soon means next month or next year.

Have a little excerpt from one of my journal entries, as a treat :) I think it explains my feelings pretty well.

“I still think about my past online, but not nearly as much as I used to. It’s just part of my history and that’s okay. Charlotte knows it all, she was there for it all, and so were my friends and family. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. And that feels really nice.” - March 19 2024

(Maybe it’s a little ironic since I did just explain myself in great detail- but I think it’s important to note that I wrote this all because I wanted to, not because I felt like I needed to.)

Merci beaucoup, tout le monde. Bonne journée et à bientôt.

[asking-jude]

Hi! i'm running out of confidence in my relationship. I did something that made him feel less important, but I didn't meant it that way. I've been asking for forgiveness, saying that i'll be more careful next time, but he still wouldn't let it go. I'm hurting. What should I do?

Do you want free, fast mental health help? Visit askingjude.org.

Hey love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. Romantic relationships are often difficult to navigate, especially when one’s partner is refusing to communicate. I would recommend trying to have an honest conversation with your partner. Maintaining open and judgment-free communication is vital to all relationships. If he is usually triggered when you try to talk to him about this subject, try to explain that fighting and ignoring each other’s feelings and emotions is unproductive and pointless, so having a discussion is necessary for your relationship. Try to explain your intentions as clearly as possible, and be specific about how you think the relationship should progress from this point.

Here is a resource that provides tips for effectively communicating your feelings: https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2017/01/how-to-communicate-your-feelings.

Talking about conflict can seem terrifying, but relationships require honest communication so that you are both always on the same page. Miscommunication usually leads to unnecessary confusion and heartbreak. Discussing your feelings will help you release any pent up anxiety about the situation, and it will increase your confidence, both in terms of the relationship and your life in general. When having difficult conversations, the main idea is to maintain a warm, respectful, and honest environment.

Here is another link that contains helpful tips for starting difficult conversations: https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/handling_conflict/.

In regards to increasing your confidence, it’s important to consider the foundation of your relationship. Make sure that your relationship is built on trust and mutual respect, because without those core values, relationships are often difficult to maintain. It is also important to prioritize your mental and physical well-being above all other aspects of your life. You will not be able to fully commit to your relationship if you are mentally or physically unhealthy. Self-care often seems odd or unnecessary, which is why many people don’t prioritize it. It does not have to be anything extreme; you could try going for a walk a few times a week, eating proper amounts of fruit and vegetables, or dedicating time to any hobbies you may enjoy. You should also try to regularly reaffirm to yourself that you are a supportive partner, and that you are trying your best to maintain a healthy partnership. Being kind to yourself is vital during difficult times like this.

Here is a resource that offers additional advice on being healthy and confident in your relationship: https://www.tonyrobbins.com/ultimate-relationship-guide/confidence-in-a-relationship/.

Thank you again for reaching out to Asking Jude, and please don’t hesitate to reach out again in the future.

Stay strong,

Jordan Sadan

Ask a question here.

[ponytailzuko]

were you shit at art before you became good

you had to learn how to do things, one after the other, right? like colors and lighting and line art and textures and perspective and all that. you had to learn one and then the other and then the other and then the other … (or maybe some things went kind of hand in hand but yknow)

these are stupid questions (if there is such a thing of course, lmao,) but i would be very happy if you could indulge me haha, because looking at your art is so overwhelming when you‘re thinking about learning it yourself ahfjaka (i love looking at your art it‘s a really nice experience, it‘s just intimidating too and a lil ah.. you know ahdjsk, only when i think about like. it looks a little unattainable or like it‘ll take 20 years if i‘ll ever be able to and that‘s not really — like i know better than to indulge these thoughts sort of so nowww i feel silly about this ask adfhkjfs.

anyway.

nice art, still, wowwwww so so beautiful)

(it’s a process and it’s about the fun of that process too but i have such a vivid imagination that i really really want to get really GOOD so that i can make it actually visible, and i know it can and probs will take some time and that’s alright so this ask is a little silly. i‘m asking it anyway though ahdjsjsjwk)

hi!!! im not bothered by the ask and its not silly!

i was, in fact, shit at art when i first started out. the reason i even started to draw and do it as a hobby is because i was very dogshit at it. (if there is such thing anyways)

i think i was around 11 or so? that age where elementary school is ending and middle school is beginning and everyone's getting kind of mean lmao. one girl asked me to draw with her and she was REALLY GOOD at it! but i hadn't thought much about art at all and only really did it for fun. so i was really just doodling to my hearts content until she ah. told me that the panda i was drawing was. Really Really Bad. like point at it and laugh kind of bad. like 'not even being able to tell what it is everyone come see this' kind of bad.

anyways obviously i was not very happy. i had not really thought of art as something i wanted to do, nor a hobby that i wanted to indulge in. just something some people are good at it and some people arent. but this girl told me my art was shit, and i was so mad that i didnt talk to her for a month and then for that entire month i did nothing but watch people draw online. speedpaints at first. then i got on iscribble (collaborative whiteboard website at the time) and just watched people do it. and i asked them, how did they start? how do you know what to do? and a lot of people gave me different advice - start with shapes, oh finish the lineart first, color like this - and generally it was very overwhelming and a lot of the advice went over my head. a lot of artists advice feels incomprehensible when starting out, and some of it really stays that way bc there is some art advice i STILL do not understand at all (but it works for some people so power to them), and there is some that is more understandable when getting into the groove.

but anyways while talking to people i realized i kinda really liked the coloring aspect of art. really really liked it. id ask people if they finished their lineart, could i try and color it in the layer below just to try and improve? and SO MANY PEOPLE indulged me. and were incredibly nice. and i guess thats what made me enjoy art even though i knew that in a lot of aspects my art wasn't skilled. because people were really nice ANYWAYS and said i should keep going! so i found something i liked to do in art beyond spiteful beginnings, and i just kept it up - i learned coloring first, and i tried to learn everything else so i could color it lmao. i only did lineart and sketching and anatomy because i wanted to draw my own stuff to color. so you can totally focus on one thing at a time! thats what i did :)

i hope that story helps in any way!!! im not sure if it totally answers your question but i guess i wanted to share that growing in art is a process and you arent alone :) ty so much im glad you like my art and if you ever wanna share your own im always open!!! :D

[choicesficwriterscreations]

CFWC Writer of the Month - Inlocusmads

Each month CFWC highlights one of our many talented fanfic writers and this month’s writer of the month is @inlocusmads! We hope you will enjoy learning more about her and her work below! Writer is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page.

BLOG: @inlocusmads

Quick Links: BLOG MASTERLIST

How do you want to be known on Tumblr? Just Mads is fine!

1- When did you start playing Choices? What's the first book you played? 

I started playing Choices back in 2018-ish (??) after getting recommended by a friend to play Visual Novels. My first ever book was Most Wanted and from then on, set a pattern in me getting absolutely obsessed with action/adventure books. You can imagine my disappointment after I found out, 2-3 years later that MW 2 is cancelled.

2- When, and why, did you join Choices fandom?.

I joined the fandom officially in April/May of 2022. But I was familiar with a Choices “fandom” way back at the height of the pandemic. I just didn’t find the reason to join and chime in and just read meta discussions and commentary on Tumblr & Reddit. But after Crimes of Passion was Wide-Released, I was so invested that I had to join and write my fics. I was happy to know that I wasn’t the only one who found CoP so refreshing from the other books.

Back then, I was only interested in writing theory posts and reviews, but then the whole fanfiction obsession took over and I just went with writing it instead.

3- How did you pick your url name? 

Inlocusmads is my Tumblr User. Locus is a mathematical term defining a set of points following some specific equation in geometry. I picked it because it translates to “In Mads’s territory/set of points” (in-locus-mads) AKA, my blog being a culmination of my works in one place.

4- Go back to your archive and tell us about the first post on your Choices blog. 

My first post was an introduction one! (Link) And I remember being so enthusiastic like a kid on the first day of school. It still gives me that vibe. I even promised to write WTD (Wake the Dead) fanfiction, because WTD was finally wide-released, and people were talking about it. Back in May, I had my exams too, so I had absolutely no idea how I managed to juggle exams and fanfiction.

I do not recommend mixing academics with hobbies under any circumstances lmao. But it all worked out! 

5- How long have you been writing fanfiction?

Since I was 6 years old. I know, crazy, but back then I remember our elementary school teacher reading us stories and I wanted to write one. So I picked up an Aesop’s Fables book and adapted a story from that on a piece of paper. I never knew it was called “fanfiction”. I just liked it!

My official “start” to writing proper fanfiction was in middle school, when I wrote a Harry Potter “Next Gen” AU spanning 40k words. Never finished it and it’s been 6 years since then.

6- What is your favorite Choices book to write about?

Crimes of Passion! It’s the one book I’ve written consistently about. Obviously I will expand to other books (Like ES, OH, WTD) in the near future, but currently, I operate from this home base, if that makes sense. Crimes is awesome!

7- Share the first fanfic you wrote with us. Do you still like it or would you change anything about it?

My first fic is no longer on Tumblr because I took it down. It was called Bulletproof, and I didn’t like various aspects of it, especially how I handled emotions (They’re definitely not my forte). I didn’t want it to be the first impression I give people. My second fic was Something Like Love (but isn’t), and it is so much better than the first thing I wrote! I would never change anything about it. 

8- What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

Trystan Thorne & The Holy Grail! It’s got everything I love- chaos, pointless action for a pointless reason, Nora facepalming for the 100th time, coffee drama and I remember staying up all night to watch multiple Monty Python skits to jazz up my humour-writing a bit. Of course, all the stuff I’ve written so far are some of my favourites, but this takes the cake!

9- Do you have a fic that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to be, but it could use a little more love?

It has to be my 2-part series on Nora’s Bisexuality - titled Nora’s College Stories (Angler On A Boat ||  Waiting For A Train). I was afraid that I’d not be impactful with my writing and pass it off in a humorous style, but I’m glad it didn’t turn out that way! I’m proud of the positive feedback it has received since then.

As for the stories that could use some love, fortunately, I’ve never had such an experience. I’m so grateful to have wonderful readers. It blows my mind when people reblog my work with memes, gifs, and “asasdfghj!!”. I don’t mind if a fic has 3 or 15 notes, as long as people who’ve read it enjoyed it enough to use a ton of heart emojis and memes. (Looking at you, Max! You’re the best!)

10- What is your specialty as a fanfic writer?

I would say it has to be action/adventure or something more adrenaline-y. Most of my works involve a sprinkle of simulated gore, a bit of dry humour and some peak self-deprecating jokes. I don’t have a proper style or speciality yet, but taking into account my past fics and my overall trend of writing things, it has to be something that’s thrilling to read and write. 

Sometimes the thrill is executed poorly. Sometimes it radiates pure power and heaps of fun. I wouldn’t know if I didn’t write it down. 

11- If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why? 

Ugh, this is hard! I would say out of these options, I’d write fluff. Fluff is comforting, like “oatmeal, which sustains you” (B99 reference!) and I think it is a fandom classic at this point- a norm in any community of writers. Fluff is also miscible and adaptable in any situation and there is no one way to write it; while angst and smut are both unidirectional, in my opinion.

12- Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MC’s or in your writing?

I would say I don’t. Nora and Jane and my future MCs aren’t based on me, nor do I write them after my personality. But the one thing I did incorporate into my characters’ personalities has to be their love for novelty and adventure. I love some novelty in my life, and I hate mundane days. Nora expresses her love for that by taking on challenging cases, and Jane loves rapid change in her life to learn to let go of old wounds.

13- What element of writing do you struggle with most?

Emotion. Especially romance. Don’t rotten-tomato’ me-to-the-face just yet! I’m still getting the hang of writing romance besides incorporating it in action and treating it as a separate entity. As a hobbyist writer who wrote a lot of original works, I never really thought to include romance. It was just a lot of bantery friendship and casual mentions of romance. I do want to get better at it! But, of course, as usual, the journey can be quite difficult.

14- Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

Currently I have a now-untitled (but previously called “Dr Whodunnit”) project with a crossover featuring characters from OH and CoP. Most of you will most likely be familiar because I advertised it as my “biggest project yet!” and didn’t live up to it. Sorry, guys!

I took it down with the sole intention to improve the writing because I found it rushed and hasty in several places. I don’t want to give out a tentative date just yet, but it’ll most likely be revised in about a month or two : around August of 2022. 

I love my readers so much and I want to give them my absolute best work possible. 

15- If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first?

Sure! I mean, none of my works are extremely explicit. I would be embarrassed because fanfiction-writing is usually frowned upon/heavily stigmatised, but I will recommend them to read anything that interests them. If they’re into romance, maybe A Second Chance and if they’re into friendships, I’d direct them to my general fics that only feature some good old teamwork!

16- Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing?

Growing up, I read a lot of Neil Gaiman, Rick Riordan and Lemony Snicket and I loved their writing styles a lot. Recently I’ve taken a liking to screen-writers and producers (I know screenwriting ≠ actual writing) but it takes a lot more effort to translate written work to a full fledged production. 

There’s Baran Bo Odar and Jantje Friese, the creators of Dark .The writers behind Brooklyn 99 and Parks & Rec. Erin Kelly and Chris Chibnall, writers of Broadchurch. I’ve always wanted to blend longform writing with exciting conceptual-style building-up and some of my favourite shows and the writers behind them have inspired a lot of my works.

Some of my favourite shows such as Adventure Time, Gravity Falls and Gumball have such a fun and innovative way of expressing unique, chaotic ideas. I’ve always looked up to that!

17- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series? 

Definitely my untitled-formerly-titled-project-named-”Dr Whodunnit”. I think it’d make up a fun crime TV show. 

18- Do you write original stories?

I definitely have, in the past! I wrote a time-travelling story and I guess one about engineering humanoids. There was also a really, really old work of mine featuring dragons and young teens battling an evil Dark Lord. So yes, I do write original works, but at this point in time, I’ve taken some time off from them.

19 -  What other hobbies do you have?

I play a lot of online chess, read books and solve puzzles- be it Sudoku, crosswords, (even my very morbid obsession with Wordle) or solving a Rubik’s Cube. I’m also a tired student, so most of my time is either writing fics or catching up on academics. I also bike. The lockdown has clearly converted me into a couch potato, so I could definitely use some daily exercise. 

20 - What’s your favorite emoji? 

This one: 🐍 Nora’s birthday falls in January 1989, aka the Year of the Snake and I sometimes sprinkle it across my fics and headers so much that I got attached to it really quickly. 

21: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).

A huge huge thank you to the team at CFWC for this wonderful opportunity! I absolutely love the initiative of conducting weekly events and bringing more fics into light. It’s so heartwarming to see a diverse pool of fic writers, and I’m very fortunate to interact with all of them.

Shoutout to Max from @pixelatedhayes (go check out Max’s art!), Lin from @ofmischiefandmedicine (Laura Levchenko for the win!), Kate from @quixoticdreamer16 (Incredibly supportive and such a shining gem to this fandom!) for being super supportive and tuning in to read my works and literally every other reader/creator/fanartist/fic-writer out there on Tumblr, contributing their part to the fandom. 

If you’re there, I’m so happy and please keep doing what you love.

I’ve heard that the community has grown smaller since the early days and I’m glad that even though there are a few of us, we’re doing our part to support each other.

To quote Captain Holt and sum it up: “Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a much more interesting place.” Thank you so much :) Hope you have an incredible day ahead!

[fairy-made]

Think Ive been making the wrong decisions so far bc Im looking at every aspect of my life that I dont like and I could fix them all by just… doing what I want to. And not caring about anyone else. Everybody else who has what they want, has done this. Everyone who has their own place, is married, is single, hangs out with their friends all the time, is having fun, enjoys their hobbies… they didnt let anyone or anything stop them. Why did I? Why do I feel like Ive gotten stuck somewhere I dont want to be?

I thought I should be staying within the situation that I’m in. I thought the life I had gotten into was “permanent” and didnt need to change without everyone elses approval. That would be “too much” or “too hard.” I “cant leave anyone behind” to go after whatever it is that I want.

Shame it took me till Im almost 30 to realize this but yeah. Im not factoring anyone else into my decisions anymore. If people still want to be around theyll find a way. Ive been doing that this entire time, Im done with it.

[vro0m]

Around 5 months ago I said that I was leaving the f1blr and everything F1 related because I had reached the point where I had parasocial fantasies and could cry if I saw my fave with a woman. So I unfollowed all the F1 related blog and deleted all my socials in order to touch grass. I took me one month to remember that celebrities are not my friends, I do not know them and that the probability for me to meet them is close to 0.

Recently I decided to come back to Tumblr and I remember that your blog was one of the few ran by a down to heart person who saw things for what they were and not what they want it to be and I liked your analyses of the seasons. So guess what I did, went through all the F1 blogs to find you!

And now here I am.

I do not know if I remember correctly but I'm sure it was some of your posts that made me realise that it was not normal to be living only to scroll on a website to see what someone you do not know is up to becayoy want "to know them".

All of this to say I'm glad that I found your blog at that time and that it made me somehow deal with the aspects of my life that made me unhappy and that led me to avoid it altogether and escape here on this site, on F1blr. I have been able to dissociate less and be more present in my own life .

I hope it doesn't weird you out 😅🥲. You are one of my fave blogs and I hope only good things happens to you.

Hi Anon! I didn't expect to read such an ask today, or ever tbh.

When life gets tough it's natural to want to escape from it one way or another and God knows I do it too. Escapism isn't a bad coping mechanism as long as we keep in mind it's just a break and not a solution to what makes us need breaks. It's difficult to face our problems, it's brave of you to do so. I'm very glad to know you're feeling better and more grounded. I hope you don't find me too forward when I say I hope that now that you're dipping your toes back in the fandom, you're able to enjoy it while maintaining a healthier distance with things than you used to. Because F1 is not worth the hurt it has caused you before if you can't. No fandom, no hobby, is.

I'm very touched by your kind words. I'm glad I had a positive impact somehow, I never expected that when I made a blog about F1. I do often try to stay down to earth it's true, but please don't forget I'm as subjective as anyone else on this website. It's human. I do a lot of interpretation as well, especially in my race reviews. I hope you, and honestly anyone else that might read me, take everything I post with a spoonful of salt. Still, I also do hope you find me worth the effort you made to find me again!

Welcome back! I wish you only good things as well.

[moccahobi]

Take a Break Before You Break

Sleep is for the weak: This is a common phrase that I hear a lot. Rest is seen as bad, as weak. This sentiment can be especially present with hobbies since they are things we enjoy and do in our free time. It’s something we want to indulge in and often helps us relax after stressful and long days. 

Plus, we live in a world that bases our worth on productivity. When we are engaging in a community effort, such as posting online, that idea of productivity and capitalism seeps into our lives with pressure to post. In a world that is so heavily structured on capitalism, it is impossible for many of us to separate its messages from our interests.

Social media is a special breed of capitalism. Time and time again, there are conversations about how social media is formatted to keep us engaged for long. We are the product they’re selling to advertisers. With any internet activity that you don’t pay for (and even some that do), if there are ads, you are the product and companies want to keep us on their sites for as long as possible to make them more money. There is a science to this! 

By giving us hits of dopamine with engagement, they keep us online for longer, training our brains to stay online and search for the next boost of dopamine to make more money. Though I firmly believe that our want for engagement is fueled by wanting affection, there is also a scientific reason why we feel this want for engagement. 

Capitalism, whether present internally or internally can be dangerous for our love of our craft and our health. Looking at our hobbies especially, capitalism can lead to burnout. To give the APA definition of burnout, it has three aspects: an “overwhelming exhaustion, cynicism and detachment, and a sense of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment”. Burnout soils relationships with our works and writing, it infests our love for our hobbies and sours them. Burnout will take away your passion and your drive to want. It isn’t fun. 

The recovery from burnout is challenging too. It is long and can take so much work.

One way or another, our bodies force us to rest and burnout is a bitch.

Even before reaching a place of burnout, I find if I'm not in a good headspace, or if I'm not rested enough, I'm not able to indulge in writing because it is such a mentally tasking task. It's a hobby. It's an interest, but it takes time and energy and emotions… and yet so often there is a push to keep creating. To keep producing. 

And if we rest, then there are so many messages about us that we can find in our societies. 

Rest is for the weak.

If you break, you’re lazy.

Your worth is dependent on your ability to produce. 

But you’re not weak or lazy if you take a break. You have worth because you are here. Because you are alive.

On a personal note, I found that in 2021 and 2020, I had been focusing so much on posting consistently, that the amount I was able to write really diminished. I also felt that the quality of my writing had diminished a lot as well. My interest in most of what I wrote, also diminished. I think in between the stuff I wrote that I enjoyed, there's a lot of stuff that I wrote that I felt pressured to because I felt like I had a timeline or because I needed to post something that week. I posted multiple times a week fairly frequently in 2021 and it wasn’t sustainable. What changed?

It's been for a multitude of reasons: I'm in school, I am working, I run a club, and I'm recovering from nerve inflammation. There's a lot happening. 

But it is also a very conscious effort of mine early last year.

I feel like my relationship with my writing is healing. 

If it wasn't for me physically being in pain when I wrote, I would have kept writing. I wouldn't have taken time to reevaluate my relationship or to slow down in my writing process. Before that, I had been trying to keep writing, to stumble upon creativity, but it wasn’t helping.

I had to take a step back.

It sucked so much at first because I still wanted to write and I still had this feeling of needing to write. Even now, I feel a lot of guilt for only posting as often as I am, which is fairly infrequently… but my relationship with my writing has healed so much in this time. 

Outside of burnout and healing fractured relationships, rest is linked to so many positive things. Just like our bodies get desensitized to sensations, we can get desensitized to what we're working on in our tasks at hand, and taking breaks has been found to lead to more creative and unique ideas being created. A lot of research focuses on short-term breaks, which are great and I highly recommend it to everyone, but much of this information can apply to long-term breaks as well. This was something echoed by @btsstan12 who said that she’ll take breaks and return to writing when her “creative juices” are “flowing again”. Breaks are rejuvenating. 

@chimknj mentioned how during breaks she will explore other creative avenues, to let part of her “creativity settle”. As we write and are creative, we are swimming in a river of creativity and, goggles or not, sediment gets kicked up, and to see again, we must rest. 

If you're a writer of fanfic, and you're reading this, writing is your hobby most likely. You don't need to post something for readers every week.  

I highly recommend letting the sediment of your creativity settle. Take a break. Don't write for a week or more. Even if you have time, especially if you have time. Breaks can restore motivation for long-term goals. And you know what? 

A hobby is kind of a long meander. 

So take a meander and enjoy the sun as you wait for the river to clear to see underwater again. Just as food and sleep are vital for our bodies, breaks are, and it's okay to break from your hobbies. 

Take a break, try new things. Let your creative river settle. Think about your love of writing. Explore the world with curious eyes.

[egg-emperor]

Dunno if you’ve talked about this, but which iteration of eggman was your favorite?

Personally I really liked both Satam eggman and adventure eggman. They both seem like genuine threats who could destroy the entire world,

I like SATam due to how terrifying he was to me as a kid. He took over the world, he’s already made the bad end, and he’s not afraid to kill if he really needs too. Also I hold onto this version of eggman for the nostalgia

I just like adventure a little more cuz they somehow made eggman feel more human during the arc, and I think it helps make him more… terrifying in my opinion cuz he isn’t just some crazy dude, he’s a dude with aspirations and ideals, he’s had a life and feels closer then any villain who feels so far away. Eggman isn’t just eggman, he’s human. And the idea that a human could be like him is horrifying, because we are just so close to them biologically enough that we feel disturbed.

Idk I like thinking about stuff like that hehehehehe-

Oh geez this ask is long lmao.

I have a very simple answer, for me it's game canon Eggman in his entirety, classic and modern, before anything else. Just every game because he's consistent and is the better part of the writing in some games because of it. I'm very lucky to have him as my favorite. They've always known exactly who they want him to be, what he wants to do, and how they want to present him and do it well and find ways to put him in many fun interesting situations while staying true to it. He's the perfect character for both darker and serious and more light hearted funny moments and stories and when both sides are balanced, it's even better.

I do agree that the Adventure games are a highlight for his character with the amount of focus on the great evil he's capable of, his sly cunning ability, and how he's a serious threat in ways nobody can deny but I love all of him before and after too. He's consistently evil and a great threat, regardless of the amount of focus on it and the humor, though it seems he could do with more because people try to deny he's still as evil as he used to be. But I do love how he can be funny too and how it can emphasize and add impact to the great evil he's capable of because he reminds you he's not a joke, he's still a very serious threat.

That's something I love too, how he's human. He's a unique looking cartoony one that's extremely intelligent and capable of amazing out of this world things, but human. I love how he isn't a cyborg/robot/etc, doesn't look generically evil, and has human feelings and passions. You don't have to be nice and empathic to be "human" and I don't know why people think so. He already is just by species lol and if we're talking characterization, he has moments of depth and personal insight without changing his entire being because personality wise, he's already an accurate narcissistic evil bastard.

He's a great representation of how humans can indeed be very evil, selfish, and capable of very terrible things. Eggman has done very evil things that make him a monster but there are also aspects that remind us he's still human just like us, like how he's very passionate about things he enjoys and has dreams and goals he wishes to accomplish, also his determination and confidence to work hard and fight for what he wants. But while those things can be done in harmless and innocent ways, Eggman is deeply selfish and evil and wants to accomplish it through doing terrible things, which isn't unrealistic.

Humans can be monsters and do terrible things and in many ways, he reflects that well in realistic ways, while also being able to go beyond what's possible in real life in fiction, so he can do even more. He can be relatable in terms of species and certain aspects of his interests/hobbies, hopes and dreams, and emotions but he's also capable of terrible things that only the worst people comparable to monsters could want to do, not just without a care or remorse but even enjoying it at times. And both sides are realistic regardless of personal relatability of the audience and that makes him all the more terrifying.

I love thinking about it too, it's a part of what makes him so interesting. He's earned the title of monster with all the worst things he's done but it doesn't revoke his humanity, it is realistic, and it adds impact. It's fantastic! That's why being 100% human, regardless of his differences and his evil, which other people can also really be like even if we don't personally relate, is very appealing over being nonhuman. And instead of the idea that because he's human he must have empathy and goodness (which isn't even true for everyone irl), the way he's human like us and reminds us we're capable of horrible things is gloriously messed up and exciting to me. XD 💜

[cupidmanic]

anyways, i've been really into perfecting my sandwiches recently. it's been bringing me a lot of joy i'm not even gonna lie. and i've found a new way to fuse my love 4 graphic design again and i'm happy i've been finding more time/forcing my discipline to enjoy other things routinely and not sporadically. soon, once school ends, i'll have a wider gap of time that i'm not used to having (supposedly). i don't want to fall into the miserable trap of just working. i still want to be enriched in learning, and i want to get in the habit of staying consistent with my hobbies and i really have been. i'm taking my senior pics this week. i really can't believe i'll be done ("done") with school but jesus fucking christ i'm glad i saw it through. i'm so grateful for every single thing i experienced. i'm so grateful for my job, and the career(s) i've chosen to go into. and i'm so proud for coming this far man. shit has not been easy, it still isn't, but i'm so glad i didn't give up on myself. all those times i felt like i was nothing, feel more and more distant as i grow. i deserve to be happy. i deserve to be treated well, even more than that. i could honestly use some affection too but i'm tryna be patient i'm tryin lmao. i'm excited for the next chapter, i'm excited for everything happening this summer, i'm excited to move, and i'm mostly excited to make another salmon sandwich. i am so grateful for all that this life has shown me, and there truly is only better to come, in all aspects. i am growing into the woman i always wanted to be. this period of life is for refining myself and pouring into myself in new ways, not only for myself, but so that my loved ones can continue to receive the best version of me and more importantly so i can attract the right people in my life too. thank you to the past versions of me that got me to this point. i am relieved, and so blessed with the joy of seeing another day, and being able to start over again and again as needed. i won't let anything, not even myself, get in the way of this beautiful life i am building. i'm proud of you, briana raye. you're a smart girl, and you know exactly what you want. don't settle for a thing

[lifesucksdiary]

What’s happening lately in my life

Guess what? Calob messaged me on Langmate. He apologized that he ghosted on me. He said the longer he waited, the harder it was for him to message back. And he went on and said it was childish. I said I don't remember haha

After I tried my best to move on from him, sometimes I doubted my own meaning to exist(just for a few minutes), my students were worried about me if I was okay, I even tried reading books or studying real estate law to get my mind off of my own grusome thoughts.

Back when he dissappeared from my life suddenly, I checked his messages every hour every day every week. I blew up his phone lol After I had no response, I realized that I had to block him everywhere, distract myself all kinds of ways possible. And I finally feel checked out from him. I started working at a new job, and it has been five months now. I feel tired but feel great to have my own income that at least support my basic needs. Sometimes not enough but I have side gig to last me until my next paycheck comes in. I can buy myself my own clothes, food, some items I find cute at flea market. I can drive myself around the town whenever I want. I found my new hobby which is writing letters to my friends outside Japan. I watch movies here and there. I refocused to myself and see what make myself happy and well.

Here are two aspects of myself I changed this year.

First thing I had to change was my debt situation.

I had credit card debt of about 1 million yen, my sister paid for my pension which she told me after she paid 200000yen. My brother borrowed me 150000 yen.. I was seriously in helpless situation. My brother took me in at his company to work as a waitress for three months, which helped me pay off to my sister. Now I paid off my one credit card that had 4000USD on it, and I cancelled it. What I am left with is about 2500USD debt on my other credit card which I cancelled as well yesterday.

I am more than grateful for my family who willingly helped me survive. I should have taken cared of myself already to have emergency fund and a job. I still do not have my own place because I still want to live abroad. I do not want any long term housing contract. I feel like a very dumb person but I feel much better than before for having reduced the amount of debt this year.

The second thing I had to change was my relationship with men of my interest.

Long story short, like Calob,and D, I revolved my life around them. I enjoyed so it was not forced at all. But the problem was that I did not have my own foundation because I was always changing my plans to match their time and location. That led me to not being able to progress my career, thus no raise or in depth experience in one industry. Now I put myself first before anybody. Sometimes it is tempting because it looks easier to imagine being a housewife who works part time outside and get to stay indoor with someone you love's money to have your basic needs covered. But in reality, I did not feel the total freedom to spend somoene's money. I always felt like I owed them and I felt useless and small. I felt obligated to do things for them and always my wants and needs last.

Now that I have my own job that lasted for five months, I am already making a progress at the company. I assist my manager's tasks whenever she is not in the office. Management was something I was always interested in, and call center job is what people say I am good at.

I did not know in the past four years after Covid lay off, I was doing something meaningful. But today writing these out made me figured that I did actually made a progress. It was definitely a trial and error but I totally am a better version than before.

My skin is better too! I fixed my acne problem! All over my body. Face, neck back butt, it took me about a year to fix them.

I have experience in online customer support position for total of about a year, on-site tech support for one year, clerical staff for a few months. I hope these experience help me be in a better position in the future.