#I'd rather die than let someone help me tho

[panthera-tigris-venenata]

Any headcanons for Harry and Uma's kids?

Might be more about Harry and Uma as parents, but anyway:

The kids are spoiled. Not by their parents – much – but by their pirate crew. Uma would like it to stop.

It will not stop. Cos, c'mon. This is Uma's kid. The pirates adore the kid.

The Lost Revenge crew also collectivelly answers to Auntie/Uncle, though Uncle Gil has special privileges.

Gil is also one of the few people allowed to babysit.

He takes the kids on carefully prepared "treasure hunts" to bring "treasure" for mom and dad. It's incredibly fun and if he's not sure the difficulty level is okay for kids, he check with someone else. Jane's been pulled into preparing the adventures few times.

Out of people actually realated to Uma and Harry, only Harriet is actually allowed to babysit. She's knows how to keep children alive and her younger siblings are the proof. (...helps a lot that Anthony is there to regulate the more dangerous activities.)

Only when the kids are old enough, they can hang out with Auntie CJ alone. (They're the ones sublty supervising she doesn't commit burglary and/or hight treason on camera, not vice versa.)

Somehow, James Hook and Alala manage to cancel out eachother's vices to be at least reasobably safe to be around. They do keep telling the kids that "murder is okay if they're annoing enough" tho.

Ursula doesn't like kids all that much and Uma likes her mother even less.

Oh, there is a considerable overlap between "daddy's bedtime stories" and "mommy's family drama". Let me tell you, the kids are confused.

Uma and Harry remain very uncensored around the kids in general. They're pirates, they'll tough it out. Result is about like this:

Bal baby: "Are you having a little sibling too?"

Huma baby: "Yes."

Bal baby: "you see, the stork arrived and droped a diamond under a cabbage leaf and that diamond turned into a baby! Now I'm having a little sibling!"

Huma baby: "...my parents had sex."

You see, Mal is slightly overcompemsating (again) and Ben is avoiding The Talk like the plague; Evie and Jay are having way too much fun to stop it. (Carlos would rather die than explain sex to a child that can repeat his words to its mother, that is, Mal).

I'd also like to state that sex ed among the pirate crews consists largely of Bonny (the medic) throwing a scavenged "safe sex" leaflet at peoples heads and screeching "I'm not paid enough to be a fucking midwife!"

[sunnychuuya]

Sorry for the lack of sally face vomit last night guys I was eepy </3 I'm waking up in less than 8 hrs so let's go

THE FUCK YOU MEAN 60%

HOW DID I MISS SHIT I TRY SO HARD TO NOT

-oof not meds being shitty

-"is anyone really happy?" Mood

-hoooly fuck bro I am notnin a good enough mental state for this rn "I mean, were all just going to die anyway. So what's the point" pookie can we donting

-guysss whay the flip this games writing is rlly good

-"it feels like nothing puts me at ease. It's this constant feeling of discomfort like my soul isn't aligned with my body" okay I know this is prolly some ghosty supernatural shit but I feel this so hard ??

-HELP THE SCRAMIMG JUMPSCARED ME SO BAD mood tho

-hey what.

Whats this.

Larry if this means what I think it means

"ITS TIME FOR ME TO GO WHAY NO

Fuck

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

NO

I KNEW HE DIED BUT HE CANT DIE LIKE THOS

MY HEART IS RACIN

NO

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

"Don't do anything stupid" the amount of times I've had this told to me and had to tell me loved ones bro

Fuck

No

Guys this isn't even fucking funny this isn't like me getting spooked easy it's like I legitimately am crying so fucking hard right now like mt face is red and all nasty

Shit Larry please

I think this is the most I've ever cried over a game.

Shit

Fuck

No..

Please.

I knew he died.

It can't happen like this I'd rather anything else god damnit why.

Im shaking

okay in texting one of my friends and he's kinda helping a Lil 👍

He was supposed to move in with us.

He's in the treehouse.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Shit.

I'm sorry I know this isn't entertaining to read but

Fuck..

Larry why.

Larry face.

No ghat was really well done. And that's what makes it hurt sk much more. Fuck. Why.

[Tw suicide] this Honestly is making me really glad I never went through with it. Seeing those messages from a fucking fictional character is able to break my heart so much I can't imagine how my loved ones would've felt receiving this

sorry this is getting a Lil venty and dark but just like.. jeez. This is well written and that fucks it up so hard

ash what the fuck. You shitty traitor.

Ash I hate you.

Why.

Ash you fucking suck

Wait did Larry die with alcohol

Uck that makes it so much worse too

Im lowkey having to take breaks cuz this is hitting HARD

Larry's note. Oh my god.

phrophecy??

Oh right the cult

Fuck I'm sk glad ghosts exsist but I wish he was really here larry why

"You asshole! How could you do this?! Why did you leave me? Why?!" Fuck. Dude. Shit.

guys I'm stuck this is embarrassing

A times thing r u fr

Nvm easy as shot

oh great! guys that's great why is there black leak that's not good

what's happening with 501 what the florp

"The shapeless man walks in awkward strides"

Is everyone like possed or on the verge of possession or smth ?? Because like it's the red eyed demon right- based on the cutscene with Todd we saw during the bologna incident and the black stops righr before their eyes so..

The guitar sections are so stressful ngl

Oh wow mr Sanderson blew his brains out hub!

"yoy look like shit dude" Larry fucking wild thing to say to someone who shot themslelves

HEY GUYS ROOM 404 IS SLIGHTLY SUSPICIOUS

"These ghosts. So full of life. Strong, healthy blood. Tender meat. Oh how we crave their flesh. Yet, they deny us.. soon." what the fuck.

Wait guys in the vhs tape screen TV reflection it's younger sal he has pigtails

Larrys dead. I can't accept thst wth..

yall. Why us everyone being all deep n shit

"I'm sort of in the middle of something" honestly props to sal for not just giving up. I would be strong enough for that.

Yea these fuckers r possessed how do we unposses them

am I is have stupid

Im dumb

Gwyss who's quitting for the night cuz I couldn't figure out the guitar thing !!

Will do tmmrw

Aorry for this one being kinda depressing </3 I'm waking up in 5 hrs save .e

@mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow

[haleigh-sloth]

Do you think if Shigaraki does come back, do you think Hori will be able to retcon the stuff with Deku and Shigaraki? Like Deku never truly understood him and spent the whole story focusing solely on the crying child inside of him rather than saving adult Shigaraki.

Also, there's the conversation between Deku and All Might in the last chapter about Shigaraki, where All Might already told Deku that he is the greatest hero and that he saved Shigaraki even if he didn't save him physically.

So, if Shigaraki does come back, I am not sure how All Might and Deku are going to approach it. Or I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not sure what Horikoshi will be able to do with the dynamic between Deku/Shigaraki and Shigaraki/All Might. I am just not sure how he will end their storyline anymore.

I do feel like there are signs that Shigaraki is coming back, but I also feel very unsure too.

See....this is where I feel like Hori shot himself in the foot in a few spots.

Deku failed to save his life, and to be honest I don't think we actually know why. Because from what I understand, the second AFO took the body back over, that body was done for. In retrospect, that body may have been done for a long time ago given what we know now.

The conversation they had before he died ("died") is still questionable because we already saw snippets of it afterward that weren't a part of the first time we saw it. So did we actually see all of it? Idk. Deku says he died because he "wouldn't stop being a leader to the LOV" but that...isn't why he died. He died because his body got punched into a million pieces. And his body got punched into a million pieces because AFO was the one in charge of the body. Nothing here really ties together in a sensible way imo.

I also have hang ups on the whole "Deku didn't understand him" piece. While I agree Tomura didn't want to let go of wanting to be a hero the LOV, I don't think it makes sense to let that be the pinnacle of failure on Deku's part. I also don't think Tomura wanting to be their hero was framed negatively, so it still doesn't make sense for that to be what his downfall was and use that to make the protag fail at his challenge. Also, if the way Toga and Touya were handled had gone differently and say, actually leaned into the whole "Tomura saved us" idea, I'd say maybe it could work.

But what we have right now is something where Tomura wanted to be their hero, and he was in a way, but they still needed heroes who would actually save them. Not just save them by accepting them, but save them by pushing them to change and pulling them out of the ruts they were in. And as far as Toga and Touya are concerned, that's what the story went with. It's already happened. They needed someone to save them in every way, which is what Ochacko and the Todorokis did (still a work in progress I'm sure tho). So yeah I get that Deku didn't quite meet him where he was at on that front, I think, but it doesn't make sense to have that be the failing point if that sentiment isn't being shown to be the answer for the other side of things yk? It'd be weird to let Tomura die on an unfulfilled wish? Or like a half-met wish? This is backed up even further by Tomura ending his story with "Tell Spinner Tomura Shigaraki fought to destroy until the very end". Like....the entire point of saving him was to help him realize that he didn't need to destroy everything. That he didn't WANT to destroy everything. AND! Destroying everything isn't what his friends wanted either. For me, it's very unfinished on the Deku/Tenko front. Do I think everything about Deku can be salvaged unless Hori pulls a "Tenko is revealed to be alive and Deku knew he was alive all along but had to play it off like he killed him"? Nope. Unless he does that, well, there's a lot about Izuku that's just kind of...washed away. And I'll take the L on that. Sucks. Idk how he'd come back from that for Izuku's sake tbh. But we'll see. I am still remaining on the hopeful side for everything. I'm not writing everything off yet. I am expecting to have criticisms and complaints by the end, but if a few basic expectations are met then I'll be happy enough and call it a win.

As far as All Might goes....I'm sorry but All Might never once showed any kind of....anything toward Tomura. I know people want to act like he has the same thinking as Izuku but I've never once seen All Might give a shit about Tenko. Sorry. I really have nothing to offer on that front. As far as I'm concerned, he's been written to be more like Gran Torino, just less callous about it.

I have little to no expectations on the Tenko/All Might front. I'm really just putting my eggs in the Deku/Tenko front. I'm at a point where I don't even care if it's done badly....as long as the ending is happy for everyone idgaf anymore. Damn.

[fangirleaconmigo]

As I watched Blood Origin I took notes. They are silly and disjointed bullet points and here they are:

(My full review is HERE)

Ep One

Shit, that's intense. My bard is having a bad time.

Hi Minnie Driver!

Wait. Why would Geralt hate that? (were they saying he'd hate an elf being the first witcher? V confused. Why would he hate that?)

So Fjall was too slutty to be a bodyguard.

Glad pretty girl didn’t get punished for helping the little girl.

Hmmm the princess doesn’t want to just be a baby factory. Word. I get it.

Michelle Yeoh!!!!

Wow the princess really flat out murdered her brother.

Girl, you don’t get a nation when you kill their king it’s not that simple.

MICHELLE YEOH I hope we get to see more of that.

Ep 2

Is she talking to her hammer? I love her already.

Fjall and Éile are they tied by destiny? How?

I juuuuuuuuust realized that sellswords don’t sell swords in the literal sense. I don't know why I thought that. This is all making a lot more sense.

I like the failed romance in the beginning. Hey folks, even if you fall in love with a brother murdering evil chick, life goes on. Second chances, etc. etc.

If they kill off Scían this fast I’m gonna be annoyed

Oh Hi Avallac'h. Avallac'h is like ummmmmm I’m regretting this shit (he is just a babby)

Merwyn is determined to survive, I like that. I like that in my evil women.

Eredin has a knife to a hotties throat saying 'you fucked me'(gaygayhomosexualgay?)

Oooooohhhhh

Actual real gay

Nice

Yes. Welcome to the family Eredin.

Brother Death called Fjall Square jaw-all the flirting! (Fjall is very flirt-withable imo)

Holy fuck Éile burning folks. That's hardcore, girl. Good thing that you ran away.

Winterberry and lilac CREEPY but revenge cool. Also, LILAC AND GOOSEBERRIES

Uh oh is Balor giving her those kids. That's rude.

I assume true sacrifice comes from within means Balor has to kill someone he cares about. If I was that girl with him I'd be pretty worried right now.

Eredin done in by the most obvious “spy” who literally ran right into him. He’s dickmatized or something. Himbo?

DONT TOUCH EILE YOU FUCKERS

Ep 3

Yesss love Meldof YET AGAIN

Poison a sheep and feed it to it, yes reference to the books.

Wow, girl (Zacare I looked it up) is throwing that “not really family” in his (Syndril, I looked it up) face fast ain't she. Found family gets lost fast when shit gets real.

Solryth? Is this empress chick talking to the brother she killed??? Girl? Do you think he wants to hear from your ass??? He's in the great beyond cursing your name.

Awww Fjall being protective

Even if you fell into a bucket of tits you’d come up holding a cock (is Meldof calling him gay?)

Ooooo no secret entrance?!?! Damn you Fjall. Just full of piss and vinegar barreling forward with nothing but guts and good cleavage.

Awwwww I love that the mage sees him as he is.

Éile sings

Such pretty voice Fjall is down bad.

As he should be, as am I.

Girl, he is not gonna let you be the first witcher. Not after you sang that. Please be real.

I love an 'end of the world about to die shag and party' episode.

We gettin a witcher, folks.

Ugh I hope Scían doesn’t betray them. I think she’s just getting them a way in tho.

Empress really thinks she’s gonna hit it again with Fjall? THIS CHICK. LMAOOOO She just has no concept of her actions having consequences does she.

She looks hella cool in her fancy armor tho.

She’s actually quite good at this. Making deals. Knowing what people want and offering it to them.

Yeah he’s gonna kill Fenrik I knew that from when he killed the kids

Ep 4

Avalac'h is a sad lil loser boy pobrecito

Eredin thinks he won’t risk Fenrik? You a dummy hunny

I woulda given Avallac'h more time rather than run back to Balor. I mean he's just a babby, he's gonna be badass folks.

Oh no he's hulking out. Look out empress girl.

“You’re a monster”

UH OH BETA RUN GRL BETTA RUN he kills those things now.

Why are his eyes black? Potions make eyes black?

OH YOU DUMMIES YOU THINK SCÍAN CANT TAKE TWO OF YOU?? FOOLS

Damn, lark. Éile really broke down the difference between a feminist and a girlboss to Miss Empress then stuck her. That was a clever way around making her badass but not 100% a murderer.

Balor killed that soldier for zero reason. This is just not a good person.

WOOPS HULK BOY Sun's gettin real low.

Wow Éile is pregnant? I thought that witchers were sterile. Maybe that's a thing the mages did.

I already knew Ciri was her descendant because people on twitter were shitting their pants because the actress is Black. I mean, don't they know how genes work? You can get a blondie in that span of time? Its centuries? And her child's already gonna be half Fjall, so idk, people cannot be normal about Black women I cannot fathom it.

And there's Mr. Joey again, we always love to see him.

The end. That was fun. Might watch again.

[ginnsbaker]

Hi :)

Loved the new chapter (as always but what a suprise cause your writing is always incredible) and you actually kinda used one of my fav scenes from the series so that just made it even better.

I honestly thought the angst would have been much more heartbreaking but im glad it wasn't so I didn't become sad😅

While i was reading the chapter I was thinking "when are y/n going to tell leigh about what danny did?" But i guess that's not going to happen, but now I dread Leigh's reaction to finding out that y/n knew about it and I can imagine she isn't going to take it well. Even tho I don't like danny in this story i kinda felt sorry for him when Leigh admitted she never loved him cause I can imagine that's really hard to hear from someone you love.

I really loved that Leigh opened up to Jules cause I feel like that kinda shows that Leigh is beginning to be her old self (not that I really know how she was before matt died but you know) but it's really nice and maybe that can help with Leigh and y/n starting a relationship🤷🏼‍♀️ (that is if she begins to be more happy than sad and mad)

I don't remember if it's already been written but how did y/n's dad and brother die? (If it's not in the story and you plan on adding it sometime then you don't have to answer cause I wouldn't want you to spoil/ruin the story)

Have a good night/day

-🐮

Hi! Omg, I replied to your second ask and didn't see this one right away. Okay let's get to it!

The punching the wall scene? Me too. That was a shocking moment and Leigh handled that perfectly, imo.

Lol, I know. it's not my usual level of angst. I think this fic is more.. slice-of-life than drama, no?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling masochistic, I ask myself if i'd rather have my partner lie to me or tell me the truth if she doesn't love me anymore. Someone telling you straight, looking you in the eye that they don't love you is one of the most painful experiences, i think.

R's background hasn't been written in other chapters. Chapter 11 is the first time I've introduced R's family background :) And we'll explore that with Leigh by her side. So there's gonna be some hurt/comfort elements to the fic moving forward.

Thanks for reading the latest chapter and sharing your thoughts as always :)

[leogichidaa]

On the plus side, I feel like I understand Regulus better now than, perhaps, I ever have.

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

I really think people that want Endeavor to die have an immature view on the situation. I understand that enji did terrible stuff but he has to pay for that. But how is he gonna pay for everything if he dies? Gonna waste Todoroki fam money on flowers for his grave?😭 Anyway. There is no situation where enji dying is a good writing. And if he lives he can still be useful as an old hag mentor like allmight, not only sit and suffer. Fans that want endeavor dead have that childish thought that person that they dislike should just die. Right now endeavor is being a good character after pussying out for villain hunt arc and I think it's great. We've seen him at his weakest most pathetic spot so when he drags afo's crusty ass through mountains and does badass stuff with fire we can have that feeling of happiness (I mean I did idk what others feel tho lmao).

I hope endeavor meets touya again and continues to help his family to have better lives and leave as he wanted in his dream

Okay, let me point out first where I don't agree with you and then where do I agree with you, okay?

First thing, I can't call immature the people who want Enji dead. I don't know what they have gone through, I can't know if they find in it a way of deal with their anger and trauma, I don't know. I talk a lot but at the end of the day, wanting a fictional character dead is not murdering a real person, you know?

They can hate Enji all they want.

I just disagree with them. If we speak in terms of narrative, Enji being alive is better for the story. If we talk about a projection from the real life into the situation, Enji dying could be equal parts the remedy and the poison. Maybe some of the Todorokis would heal after that, it is a possibility. Maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they could get worst, we don't know. Ultimately this all depends on what story Horikoshi wants to tell, but I'd rather have the current story where different victims have different responses to the abuse they were exposed to and they have different ways of healing. Dabi has the right to never again see Enji, but Fuyumi also has the right to build a relationship with her father, if she wants to.

Now, I agree Enji is a better person than he was. Not because he's good exactly, but because he recognized how bad he was and he's at least thinking about how he can fix what he broke. It's undeniable that he is on a redemption arc, it's undeniable that he is better, but it doesn't mean either us or the characters have to forgive him or forget his mistakes.

Enji has also always been a good character in terms of what he brings to the table with his character construction. Not good in moral terms, but written interestingly. His constant dancing between the villain and hero standards, how morally gray he is, that's amazing. A great way of making someone root for a certain character is giving them a character to root against. It happened with Deku and Bakugo at the beginning, for example. Not necessarily a villain, but an antagonist, someone who gets in the way of your hero.

I'm not particularly rooting for Enji to get better because of him, but because it'd serve the Todorokis narrative. Shouto doesn't need his dad to die at war. Touya hasn't solved his issues with Enji. And I mean, Enji was never there for Touya, so he should be there for his son now. Even if Touya tells him to go away and doesn't want to see him ever again, Enji has to try. For all the people who looked up to him, for all the people he let down, he has to try.

I wish the Todorokis to be happty and healthy. I want Endeavor to pay for his crimes. So if he changes and some part of the family accepts him back, as long as he's not causing more damage and as long as it is actually healing instead of hurting, I'll accept it.

That's my opinion on this matter.

[sootneo]

caspian wants me to keep spitting out ideas so rtsoot the walking dead/zombie au where wilbur, who's a survivor guiding tommy throughout the country, and daniel, who has lost his friends (seán and kevin) and now is desperately trying to find them again, cross each other's path in the middle of their journey.

thing is, wilbur who was originally fierce and the cool guy has now grown much softer and protective over his little adoptive brother who just wants to find a place to rest, who complains about being hungry, who can't stand the cold now that they barely can find any clothes that haven't been burnt or stolen by raiding groups. daniel, on the opposite hand, has not grown. instead, he has dropped the kind, calm, harmless and polite version of the man that got him through life up until that point, becoming merciless and a kind of savage his old self would not be proud of.

wilbur walks around with barely anything, an old, bloodstained, torn sweater, a backpack, a bat on his back and a machete on his hand, while the taurus, a small pistol, stays in tommy's hand after he learned to use it. daniel walks around in dark clothes, cargo pants, bulletproof vest, his mossberg shotgun never leaving his arms, a backpack with resources, a pistol on his waist and his brain turned off, because all he cares about is going back to his friends at any cost.

all of that is the reason why wilbur simply threw himself, with no hesitation, in front of tommy when daniel pointed the shotgun to the blond boy's head. finger on the trigger, bloodshot eyes from not sleeping in two days and having his one nap disrupted by a hungry, desperate kid who just wanted the crisps he saw beside a seemingly unconscious man. he begs him to not hurt tommy, tears on his eyes – something he swore he'd never let his brother see –, hands behind his head, on his knees as his eyes went from the shotgun barrels' inside and the green eyes above.

that was also the reason why rt decided to take them under his wing after noticing they were just... two dudes struggling to survive, who wanted to survive. his first encounter with tommy was awkward and uncomfortable – it was hell for the boy –, but slowly, he gains both their trust.

from then, they decide to follow the same path, as three is better than one, and than one and a half.

addition 1: rt can barely handle the recoil when he shoots, but the adrenaline and raw anger he's feeling everytime he pulls the trigger is enough to make it more than bearable. wilbur can handle that better, but he can't stand the way blood splattered all over him when he was the one pulling the trigger. that's why he lets rt keep it at all times, he trusts him enough. also, wilbur would rather let tommy have an intimidating memory of daniel – in case he's the one in charge of him – than of him covered in blood after painting the floor with someone's brains in a moment of need. he failed on that, but he hoped the grotesque scenes daniel constantly left behind would be enough to occupy his brain.

addition 2: eventually, rt is the one who finds out literally everyone is infected. he discovered this after he, alone, went on a little trip searching for a radio tower, where he made contact with a guy named nick (yes it's sapnap), and he gave the information to him for free since it had been a long while since the guy and his friends had heard about anyone (maybe, in the future, they could meet up) so he wanted to help him out as much as he could. rt was not that affected by it, he knew that one way or another a thing that could bring the dead back could spread like that. he only started feeling something, actual fucking panic, when wilbur did too as he came back from the trip and told him about what he had learned. the problem was that tommy was really, really sick, and having to kill him wasn't something wilbur was ready to go through nor had ever thought about. (he doesn't die tho he gets better i wouldn't kill tommy off i'd only make people panic a bit abt it then have him make an emotional comeback. i'm not carl'ing him jesus fuck)

[tsuk0mii]

Just you ♡

pairings: Childe x gn!reader

cw. fluff<3

note: more childe content >:D definitely listen to this while reading<3 if you don’t understand filo i’m so sorry (T⌓T) you can still listen to it tho! the music is very beautiful, definitely recommend :>

You were sitting on the tallest point of Dragonspine, Childe next to you as he was holding your hand. "I'm glad you brought me here, I've never been to the tallest place between Mondstadt and Liyue. Though where I'm from the mountains are WAY bigger than this." The ginger chuckled, you jokingly scoffed as you rolled your eyes. 

"You always talk about how everything is bigger in your country, but when will you actually take me there? You promised me I'd get to go with you." You said, a slight pout in your face. Childe sensed how you really felt about the situation, so he carefully moved behind you as he wrapped his arms and legs around you. 

"I know you want to come, but I still have a lot of work to do, and before we go there's something important I want to do here anyways, it wouldn't be fun to do it in Snezhnaya." Childe whispered in your left ear, and you placed your hand on one of his with a slightly disappointed expression. 

"It's alright, I understand... I'm just afraid that day might never come because of... Things." You muttered, and Childe gently turned you around. He looked at you in the eyes with a serious expression, holding your hands in his.

"My sweetheart, I don't exactly know what you mean but I know it's one of the three. You're either scared you'll die, scared I'll die, or scared that there might be someone else, right?" Childe asked, and you sheepishly nodded. You didn't really want to admit it, but it was going to need facing in the future at some point anyways. Childe raised one of his hands on your cheek, stroking it gently with his thumb as he let out a chuckle. Your gaze raised from your hands to his eyes, and now you two were strangely but lovingly looking at one another. 

"Baby, I'll make sure you're safe till the day neither of us are on Teyvat anymore. I'll make sure I don't die, and when I do, it's with you in our own house when we've grown old and we’d see our grandchildren running around the yard. And I assure you, there's no one else I'd rather be with than you. You're the only one who's won me in an all-out duel twice, and might I say that it gets me going in so many ways that I'll never take my eyes off of you. You're the only one for me, because of your strengths, weaknesses, and yourself, and I promise you that there's no one else in my eyes." 

You felt tears, but before they could fall far Childe wiped your eyes and cheeks. "Childe... I love you... So much. You wouldn't even be able to imagine how much that means to me." You said, and managed to stop your eyes from overflowing. The moon in the sky provided you two light, and you were stuck in the moment with your loving, twisted, bloodthirsty boyfriend. 

You wouldn't have had it any other way, he was the only one who was right for you. He was the only one who managed to bring light and excitement in your life when everything crashed and burned. With your family, with the Abyss Order, with the Fatui, the Archons, the exhausting tasks, he was there to help you even though he was your 'enemy'. But let's face it, how could you ever hate someone who felt such passion towards you? 

"I love you too,” he smiled, “and I think I might just want to prove how much I do." Childe said, standing up as he left you slightly confused. "What do you mean, prove it how?" You asked, and stood up as well to look up at your boyfriend who was digging up something from his pocket. He smiled, placing a hand on your shoulder as he dragged it down to grab your hand. He brought it to his lips, kissing it slightly, then letting it go and finally taking out a small box from his pocket. 

"y/n, my senses tell me we're both ready so... I think it's about time I did the thing I wanted to do here with you." Childe said, going on one knee as your eyes widened. It couldn't be, right? Childe cleared his throat, looking up at you with that same smile he always had. 

"Ever since I met you I knew you were special. You were an enemy, yet you felt like an ally. You were like both sides of the coin, you had the Morax and the Barbatos. I gave you money, and you gave me something more important in return. You gave me an experience, a new kind of person, a new type of view to have. You gave me new eyes." Childe spoke in a gentle voice, holding the box in one hand while motioning with the other. You could feel the tears about to come back, it really was your dream come true right now. Childe was... 

"When we fought I was so excited, your power surpasses mine... It's not often you see that, now do you? I'm stuck twisting heads, and then suddenly someone blesses me with someone of such great power that even I don't stand a chance... Yet you're such a nice person out of battle. You were wary, but you forgave me as we moved on and had our second battle, which you impressively won,” Childe laughed, “I still can't believe it... You hold such great morales, and such great strength, it's like the stinging Dendro and the raging water in one pack. I was never one who did poetry, but I figured that was the best way to describe you." Childe kind of awkwardly said the last bit, laughing slightly as he brought up the box in front of himself. 

"So, my dear, I have only one question I'd like to ask you..." Childe kept looking at you as you had tears flowing down your cheeks, and you couldn't believe what you were hearing. Such poetic words out of the brute man that pretended to be a toy salesman for his brother. Childe opened the box revealing a golden ring with beautiful carvings on it. 

"Will you be my partner in crime for the rest of eternity?" 

Reblogs are always appreciated :3

[casmybelovedass]

The Destiel Folder: Season 6

[Season 4; Season 5] Man, this season... an emotional rollercoaster

Episode 3:

Cas admits he and Dean "share a more profound bond." (15:35) uuuhmm okay

"You think I came because you called?" (16:31) cut to "I always come when you call" later on in E21

"When a claim is laid on a living sould, it leaves a mark, a brand." ... like a handprint maybe? (22:33) Cas basically called dibs on Dean and admits it

Dean, I get it, Cas looks hot when he fights, but you don't have to look at him like this (24:42)

The amount of eye-fucking in this scene (25:56) almost 30 seconds (of Dean checking out Cas) of Old married coupleTM moments. Dean is worried about Cas dying again by the hands of an archangel. He just got attacked and wants to go out. But Cas has to go save the universe from a holy war. Basically a wife asking her soldier husband not to leave for the war.

[(26:28-26:30) Dean was totally looking at the BOOTY]

NOW FOR THE JUICY STUFF: Cas and Balthazar obviously had a history. More than brothers or war buddies. We could parallel them to Dean and Lisa: both old flames coming back after a long time and all.

Also, Balthazar can sense something is going on between Cas and Dean. It's so clear he can (35:26). ICWAW, we would assume Balthazar was an ex, getting jealous over Cas' new love interest

Episode 6:

"You asked me to be here, and I came", OH what about the whole 'I don't come because you call' thing? (13:40)

How domestic is this moment. Cas pouring Dean a drink, trying to comfort him (14:03). He hates seeing Dean like this, and hates even more the fact he can't do anything about it

Cas knows Dean is hurt enough already, and doesn't want to get him involved with a war that's not his to fight (14:20), but still wants to help

Episode 7:

Second time Cas starts stripping in front of Dean and he just stares (2:32)

Look, all I'm saying is... they really don't have to stand THAT CLOSE to each other (4:07)

Episode 9:

[Not a destiel moment but Dean struggling to say the words "gay guy" is too fucking funny to me (33:45)]

Episode 10:

Dean, will you not check out the angel in front of your brother, please? (11:54)

Dean is visibly uncomfortable at Cas watching porn practically NEXT to him, and having a BONER practically next to him. Understandable, but still... kinda gay (15:58) Look at Dean's face, my God (16:07)

[I'm screaming Dean looks like he's wondering what it'd be like to kiss Cas (25:29)]

"CAS?!" (26:23) the way Dean gets progressively more worried about Cas fading/being taken away and shit, kills me

[Cas is so fucking confused as to why Dean would suggest he'd let him have an hour alone with Meg (39:25), either that or he's embarrassed he might've actually wanted to. Meg and Castiel were cute together]

"If there's anything we can do-" "There isn't. I wish circumstances were different. *stares at Dean with puppy eyes* Much of the time, I'd rather be here." (39:46)

Also, Dean stares at Cas for 15 seconds, but averts his eyes when saying "We're your friends"? (40:01) Denial? Something's off. ICWAW, this would indicate tension, unspoken feelings

Just... the way Dean looks at Cas, and when he flies away (40:17) HIS EYES

Episode 11:

Balth jokingly calls Cas Sam's 'boyfriend', and Sam reacts normally, letting it fly over his head. When later in episode 17, Balth calls Cas "the angel in the dirty trench coat who's in love with you", Dean gets pissy. Just like later in 10x5. Touchy much? (13:48)

Balth admits he doesn't like Dean, and that "screwing him would delight me", but calls the one brother who threatened to crisp his wings, a "capable young man" (14:46). Jealous much? ICWAW we would read some sort of romantic rivalry between those two.

Episode 14:

This face... where have I seen this face before?

Oh yes, here

Dean looks at Lisa, the so called "love of his life", the same way he looks at Cas. Fuck my life

Episode 15:

"Cas" (Misha) starts stripping and Dean... stares... again (9:23)

"Well, Cas... now that you have your sword, try not to die by it." (39:53) Is it a saying? Or a reference to Dean being Michael's Sword? As in "He is gonna be the death of you"? And Balth looks at Cas THAT WAY?! (40:01) You can't tell me there was nothing between these two. Kill me now

Fucking stop being an old bitching married coupleTM already (40:25) you are hurting me

Episode 17:

Balth 'jokes' about Cas being in love with Dean (18:48) ICWAW we would read this as an ex being petty about the new love interest and teasing said love interest about it

Wow, jealous much, Dean? Again, ICWAW, this would totally be seen as jealousy for your crush's ex (27:30). And Dean, you're staring at Cas' lips again (27:37)

[Sam: "So, you killed 50,000 people for us?" Cas: *looks at Dean* "... No, I didn't... They were never born." (37:49) This is so stupid, but... sure, Cas... sure. That's what you ment.]

Cas makes a small speech about fighting for freedom, choosing your fate and all, while looking at Dean (38:55). OKAY SUBTEXT!!!

[As soon as Dean mentions boobs, Cas is gone (39:36) LOL]

Episode 19:

"It's not like Cas lives in my ass. The dude's busy. [...] Cas, get out of my ass!!!" "I was never in... your-" (4:28) and then they stare... Were you having unholy thoughts guys?

"Without your power you're basically just a baby in a trench coat" #MARRIED (10:38), "My friend is very sick." "I have a, uh... painful burning sensation." OH COME ON!!! (11:22)

"You know who whines? Babies. *pats Castiel*" (14:28) I'm sorry, pats him wHERE??!!

Dean saves Cas again (19:38)

The way Cas says "Dean, Dean!" (23:09)... I'm so fucking weak, and look at those EYES! (23:41) kill me now

"The kid... The little kid, he's one of them." "... Unbelievable." "Yeah, I know, Cas. You told me, all right?" (37:48) #MARRIED

Sam and Bobby immediately think Cas might be betraying them (39:31), while Dean won't even immagine the possibility. "This is Cas we're talking about!" (39:52)

Episode 20:

Even tho Dean can sense something is off with Cas, he won't bring himself to admit it. And the eye-car-sex. That. (4:44-4:53)

"You're distracted. [...] Is that all you're holding, huh? See... the stench of that Impala's all over your overcoat, angel." (6:20) this has such sexual undertones. ICWAW, it would be MENT as having sexual undertones. Also Crowley ships it

Dean protects Cas even tho clear evidence is there, and even feels bad about lying to him (12:06). And Cas feels oh so bad about Dean trying to be loyal to him, even when he was starting to suspect (13:18)

Dean still refuses to acknowledge the possibility of Cas' betrayal (19:56). His speech about Cas... I'm weak. "He broke ranks, gone to the mat, cut and bleeding for us, so many frigging times. This is Cas!" (20:10). ICWAW, this would be read as Dean having feelings for Cas, and as those feelings were getting in the way of his best judgment

Cas goes against the King of Hell to save the boys... but Dean first (21:48), and Dean defendes him against Bobby and Sam, apologizing for doubting about him. Cas hates having to break their trust

The look on Dean's face as he realizes Cas had been lying the whole time... BROKEN (23:35-23:49)

Cas doesn't want Dean to have to sacrifice more than he already had for him (25:19), and when Crowley shows up, Cas' first instinct is to look back at Dean protectively (25:30), and does that again before following Crowley (26:17)

Cas wants Dean to be happy, stay retired, even tho he was so longingly looking at him moments earlier (29:09)

"You gotta look at me, man. [...] Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley." (32:38) the absolute desperation in both Dean and Cas, how HURT they look. THEIR EYES! Dean looks devastated

"I did it to protect you, I did it to protect all of you!" (33:09) one of the many "you, all of you" no-homo saves Cas pulls while talking to/about Dean

"I had no choice!" "No, you had a choice... You just made the wrong one." (34:21) how fucking hurt Dean looks. "Where were you when I needed to hear it?" THE EYES

"I was there... Where were you? *flashback to Cas looking back at Dean*" I'M DEAD

"It's not too late. Damn it, Cas. We can fix this!" "Run. You have to run, now. RUN!" (35:33) and they do, but Dean looks back at Cas, and the way they look at each other... STOP (35:47-35:52) ICWAW, this whole scene would seem like someone trying to save their loved one, and OH boy, that stare exchange would seem either a silent confession or a reminder of their feelings for the other

Cas visits Dean in the night, even tho they clearly don't trust him and don't want him there, and Dean leaves it be (38:06), and even apologizes for having to angel-proof the house against him

#MARRIED (38:28), "I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you." (38:35) ICWAW... do I even need to point this out?

"Next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest thing I have to family..." the look on Cas' face as Dean says this (39:15) "... that you are like a brother to me." did Cas' eyes just get more glossy? Poor baby. Also, ICWAW, by the way they interact, this statement would feel wrong on so many levels

"You're just a man. I'm an angel." ... why does it feel like Cas is telling that to himself more than to Dean? (39:43) "I'm sorry, Dean." (39:55) Kill me

Cas questions his decisions, asks God for guidance, the moment he understood he hurt Dean. He doesn't want to hurt Dean, but will do what he has to do to if it means he will be safe

Episode 21:

[Not a destiel moment, but "fragile masculinity" much, Dean? (4:20) "I was too busy having sex with women." (why do you feel the need to specify 'women'?)]

This Dean-Balth bickering has such current-former love interest fight vibes (8:52). Come on, ICWAW, this would totally be the case

Here's another Cas/Lisa parallel: how Dean acts here, looking for Ben and Lisa (13:11), and how he acts in S8 while looking for Castiel ("WHERE'S THE ANGEL!?")

Cas saves Dean again (21:46). "I didn't ask for your help." "Well, regardless. You're welcome." #MARRIED

They are both on the verge of tears... "I thought you said that we were like family." (22:22) They hate this situation. They hate not being like always, close, friendly, family

"Dean... I do everything that you ask... I always come when you call. And I am your friend." (22:39) the way he says 'Dean' and how his voice trembles. Dean is basically almost crying now (23:45)

"Dean, I said I'm sorry and I ment it." "Thank you... I wish this changed anything..." "I know.. So do I." (37:45)

[Alright. I do believe Dean really grew to love Lisa during that year they spent together, but I don't buy the "I always loved you, ever since that one hook up on that one weekend we knew each other for" shit. Dean wanted to give a try to the whole 'apple pie life' he'd promised Sam, with a good woman he knew Dean had feelings for.

If he grew to love Lisa over a couple of years after 1 hook up, I'm sure he could do the same thing for Cas after over a decade (he for sure would have already If Cas Were A Woman)]

Episode 22:

["You've always got little old me." "Yes... I'll always have you." (30:26) These two... Come on, they HAD to be ex lovers!]

"We were family once. I'd have died for you. I almost did a few times (Cas did actually, twice). So if that means anything to you... Please... I've lost Lisa, I've lost Ben, and now I've lost Sam... Don't make me lose you too." (39:55) ICWAW, this would be seen as a straight up CONFESSION

The hurtful look on Dean's face when Cas says "You're not my family, Dean.", and the terror when he thought for a second that Sam might have killed him (40:39)

["You will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord... or I shall destroy you." ... okay, Cas, honey, I get you are tired of waiting, but this is not the right way to get a confession out of Dean (41:20)]

[Season 7>>]

[normal-thoughts-official]

I.t.a (Identity thief anon)

I thought I had replied (if I did and you just hadn't post it it's 1000% fine ahshs)

I love Elliott so much!! And his crush is so cute (but also looking at the bigger picture is hilarious that I killed his would be father in law lmao) also awfullest thing pixelberry did was making me choose if I wanted to be his legal guardian or if I wanted him to be emancipated only to not have to do any of them since, you know, our grandpa was still alive...

Also I thought about it way too much for a choice (with no actual impact) in a game ahshshshhs, emotionally wise I'd have wanted to be his legal guardian but I think it'd make more sense (legally) emancipation because he would still get government help but there wouldn't be a risk of someone taking him away of in case I wasn't a successful guardian, and he could apply for scholarships more easily while I worked or something lmao I was just excited in that part.

I know there are some books in which you can be poly but the only I remember was moty (mother of the year) which was a better than expected book (to be fair I didn't goof have expectations) and in that one I started to date the three love interests <3

How far along are you in endless summer, who are you romancing, what do you think of the classmates + lila and what do you think about the story in general 👀

u hadnt replied!!!! hi i missed you!!

i didnt know u could be polyam in moty! i might try it out then, i never gave it a shot cuz i hate the idea of having kids 😬 but anything for rep i guess

and YEAH I KNOW DIDNDIDNDO i love elliot so much and him and robbie are SO cute together but damn his in law straight up tried to kill us huh. like robbie deserves better than bobert or whatever his name is and im glad to have killed him but

also okay im in the middle of the second book idnfidndidndo around the part where the arachnids show up for jake. my opinions so far are kind of messy but uhhh

grace and raj are my faves, hands down. craig is a close second

i like almost everyone except for jake because hes just military propaganda in a trenchcoat with that annoying wahh im too conflicted to care about anyone white boy complex, and aleister because he was a dick to grace. idc how much he simps for her now she deserves better than him. and Quinn is kind of whatever. like her whole personality is uwu and its kind of annoying but i dont hate her or anything

the story is such a fucking mess?? udndidn i have NO CLUE whats going on 😩 if they manage to make everything make sense by the end ill be REALLY impressed cuz damn wtf is going on

im romancing sean!!!!!! what can i say, i have a type and that type is self sacrificial idiot. he has a heart of gold and he deserves better and aaaa 😭😭 u idiot man stop putting ur life in danger as the instinctual reaction BLEASE. i just want to wrap him in a blanket and make him take care of himself for once

i also like estela a lot but im not really that interested in romancing her ig? i enjoy our moments together but my feelings for her are more casual ig

i rlly want to like lila but i cannot stand her simping for discount tony stark my god. please lord just make it end

i rlly like everyone's dynamics???? its so nice to see how the group has been growing together more and more. i love them ❤️

i LOVE the vaanti. every last one of them. my beloveds. if they tried to kill us it's cuz theyre valid

varyyn and diego are the greatest couple this game has ever given me i am SO grateful for them. i just got to their first kiss and aaaaaa it was so sweet. upset at choices for not giving me art of their kiss when i had to watch aleister and grace's but 😩 its fine im fine. holding onto hope that ill get art of them eventually but i dont want to look it up and risk spoiling myself

i actually like craig and zahra as a couple a lot too which i didnt expect. i still dont fully understand what happened between them but i really hope they work it out :(

on that note i love zahra. anticapitalist queen. cant believe she fucking hacked wall street. id die for this woman even tho she wasted tiramisu

tbh i dont wanna get off the island. like what for? to go to college? when i could stay with the cool vaanti culture and be happy and not have to worry about capitalism and have sick ass tattoos? lets just kill tony stark and stay there besties

really like how they made the MC's past a mystery? like yeah we have absolutely zero past and backstory as per usual but this time it actually is an integral part of the story that we dont know that we were born in la huerta or basically anything about ourselves truly (even tong stinky didn't so like?). and it was nice to see that being a part of the story rather than just this weird feeling of detachment from the MC

the MC is so stupid and i love him

sean and craig are gay for each other. michelle and quinn are gay for each other. i diagnose everyone with gay

i literally dont have a single theory as to what the hell is going on like not one. and i have gotten almost every clue/idol/file but like i literally have no idea how to tie all of this together. this is such a mess didndkdndkdndidn im kind of excited to see what happens because ES seems to be so popular in the fandom i can only imagine the plot is gonna blow my mind, but im kind of afraid of being disappointed

and thats all ive got so far i think? udndidjd god

[obeymematches]

Hello! May I request for a matchup?

I am a bisexual, Demigirl ENFP-T personality type.

I'd say I'm somewhat independent but would love to have someone by my side to happily live with, I find trust as something that is very important and due to past reasons it can be difficult to earn my full trust. I try to always be a reasonable and mature person, but I can get irritated at a few things (like LGBTQ+ discrimination, racism or plain asshole stupidity) that can tick off a temper, but usually I'm a person of patience, though if I do get really angry then I'm gonna also end up having a mental breakdown later -. I'm fine with waiting and am usually very forgiving. Religiously I'm an atheist, technically ex-christian due to family reasons. I come from Estonia, so I'm bilingual with English and Estonian but am also learning Russian and German. (Thinking of learning Japanese one day too)

I'm a rather fidgety person, fingers always have to be doing something, I can also have rather terrible memory sometimes with things and can forget.

I have low self confidence and self worth, usually struggle to be optimistic and can be rather emotional, also often an absolute empath when it comes to fictional characters for example.

I can be a workaholic and can be terrible at taking care of myself, I easily lose track of time and can forget to eat at times, also have a fuzzy appetite so sometimes I might not want to eat anything at all. I care alot about other people's well being though, for me appearance doesn't matter, I care for the personality and think everyone is beautiful in their own way. I am a short chubby brunette with a boy haircut and brown eyes, my hair is often thick and poofy and sometimes hell to take care of, due to some health reasons I have an itchy scalp and have to often scratch my head. My fashion depends on just if the clothes are comfortable to wear in the moment, that's it. I wear glasses due to a bit of a negative in my sight.

I sometimes struggle to have a balanced sleep schedule and am often stressed.

I hold a strong love for animals and the nature around us. I especially love cats and reptiles and own a cat and a leopard gecko who I would die for.

Fiction is an important part of my life, the moment I get interested in in some show or franchise you can expect me to become an absolute nerd for it, (good example is Pokemon.) I am the type to analyze characters and really care about everything. Books, shows, movies, theatre, anything goes. I really also love music, 60% of the time you can find me listening to music somewhere, maybe even singing, I multitask alot too. My music taste depends on what connections I make to fictional media, especially that of my own, aka stories and characters I've created. My mind is always going like a 1000km/h with all types of thoughts, my own fictional universe only keeps expanding which I wish to share with the world. My dream is to become a writer one day, which I'm very passionate about, and another thing I really want to do one day is travel the world. I also do some art and animation, but intend to keep it as a hobby on the side.

I'm an ambivert, shy and hesitant around new people especially those of higher authority and importance, but incredibly outgoing with the people I'm familiar and comfortable with, never getting tired from them. Affection starved, expect lots of hugs, not that much into PDA tho. For me first impression matter, on my part, I am quick to think that people hate me or are annoyed with me.

Even with my fuzzy appetite I do like food, especially of strong flavour, I tend to seem to like asian or Italian food alot. I'd say I'm decent and cooking but not very good at baking.

Minimalistic, not very demanding when it comes to anything, it's basically like "Better than nothing." would be the type to live in a rather small house one day. Somewhat organized in my own way, sometimes I can act a little OCD though when something is out of place in a manner that it's just - no.

I can be rather talkative, when getting in a conversation with me expect to talk for hours about all types of things, wherever the conversation goes. Even better when it's over a cup of tea or a long walk somewhere outside.

I usually try to be as polite and kind as possible, though I sometimes struggle, I always try to have hope for the world, despite my incredibly pessimistic mindset.

For a partner, I look for someone I can geniuenly be happy and comfortable with, someone I can be open with and not worry about being lied to. I would be incredibly loyal to them and I'd hope them to be as well, of course, I don't get jealous or worked up if they're hanging out with friends. I want them to also be happy, someone I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone who'd be okay with traveling and seeing the world with, someone I can just have a moment to relax with, sometimes just talk and listen to eachother. Like stated before the appearance for me doesn't matter, it's the personality- what's inside that does. I shall note, the harmless teasing can get to me. Someone who's a geniuenly good person despite whatever flaws they might have.

I hope this is long enough ^^

Hi my dear patient anon! 

guess what time it is!✨

i put a read more because it’s one long post! 

OK so as I read through your request I had Levi, Belphie, Beel and Satan on my mind. Though Belphie is out of the picture fast since you have low self-esteem and if anyone then he probably would take advantage of that. Satan too I think. (I know in general he is viewed as an overall good boy but i feel like he might scare someone with low confidence levels when he is at his worst. also he can be manipulative too if there is a situation)

wait- damn- Simeon also exists (also Mammon? though with him and you it’d be a very rough start)

so after some elimination and comparison between dynamics including Simeon, Levi and Beel I decided to match you with Levi but I highly encourage befriending the other two!  ✨ Simeon because of the similar interests + excellent cooking and Beel because he is a mom-friend + you’d always have something to eat too if he is your friend! 

phew it wasn’t an easy decision but here it is! 

Okay so let’s see Levi

Okay first things first I think we need to change your level of confidence my friend. Which means starting off this relationship as friendship - honestly he is on the same page as you regarding this for similar reasons so you two can relate to the other. But once you gain a healthy amount of sense of self-worth + confidence I think this friendship could develop into a very loving and healthy relationship! 

Just because he is a demon I don’t think he would use you, lie to you, manipulate you or anything similar to that. I mean you have similar interests and in canon Levi shows just the bare minimum of interest to someone whose lifestyle + likes aren’t similar to his. Also you’re his only friend besides Henry so why would he treat you bad I mean come on!!! he’s not stupid!! 

Since your relationship is based on being friends trust will come in time, do not worry! Levi is also picky when it comes to ppl so again as you are in the same boat you understand the other deeply. 

I mean Levi can be serious when the situation calls for it but in general you being with him would give you a nice balance with your maturity. He’s not childish but he has different approaches! Meaning he could learn from you but you could also learn from him! 

Tbh i highly doubt he would ever tick you off either or purpose or not. He is mostly annoyed by stupid ppl (like Mammon) and normies but since you are also into anime you’re safe!  

You having an interest in languages is something he will find fun! if i recall in the devildom there’s only one language? (they speak human for you though) so finding out about human world lore like that through you is going to be fun! also pls learn Japanese with him! (pretty sure he already knows so he could help you practice)

Okay so he can also spiral down due to lack of self-worth + self-love but as his friend you’re not supposed to let that happen!! 

well he also tends to forget about himself but on a side note he is very caring about you and your health so he is faster at taking care of you than himself. That’s why you have to look after the other especially at first when both of your self-worth levels are so low. 

pls tell him he is beautiful he will be flustered for the rest of the day but it’s worth it trust me

he absolutely finds glasses cute af he just has to look at you and !!!  

He’s not big into fashion either, though he would love to cosplay with you so hopefully you are ok with wearing cosplay sometimes!

Also your workaholic tendencies might get to him sometimes? like i’m not saying he is lazy but for sure he could do better. Thanks to your influence he will do better! 

the two of you gushing over fictional characters is just so cute;; think about that!! 

ok he is your #1 supporter of becoming a writer!! pls let him be your beta reader aaaaa

well both of you are passionate so the emount of encouragement happening in this relationship is to die for

him being a shut-in means he’s not very big on traveling, but if he could go with you he’s quick to change his mind! 

he also has trouble balancing a healthy sleep schedule but that just means you two can spend more time together so it’s a win-win situation

pls leave your cat with Satan when you visit Levi’s room because of Henry :( your gecko is more than welcome though!!! 

okay he is also affection starved af but he would never initiate to save his life so here you being an ambivert is helpful!! also it leaves you space to tease him which is always fun! 

regarding food you have a nice balance going on, he is more of a baker and you are the opposite! though cooking/baking with the other is always fun!! when he notices your lack of eating he will make sure to order/bake delicious food from the human world for you! 

well he isn’t the messiest so hopefully your OCd wouldn’t kick in when you spend time in his room. I like to HC that he is actually very clean. If anything is out of place in his room it is because it was meant to be there. Or he was in a hurry. 

about long walks outside you’d probably have to nag him a bit but soon he will realize that it’s actually not so bad.

bby is one of the most loyal demons out there so no worries you’re safe!! however he can be jealous easily so it’s nice that you are also loyal! just make sure to clear boundaries before establishing a relationship! 

he’s not one to tease you but he is very into you teasing him, so that’s that

overall i don’t think this relationship would have huge conflicts - sure, you have to nag him about going out but he is not going to protest once he learns that it’s actually. fun. to go out sometimes. i’m more concerned about the two of you’s self-worth and confidence levels, but again it’s about what you do for growth and it’s not something that can’t be changed if you want to change it. besides these i think it’s a very healthy relationship and you both can be yourselves!  

[yennefer-stark]

The time was night, the date was wednesday and it was cold and dark because the winter is approached. The lamps in the street gave to the road a dim-lit light as well as the sidewalk. She walked directly to the bridge, and no, she doesnt wanted to commit suicide, she just wanted to be alone, sang out her sadness in the night.

"Everyone got their soulmate... Tony got Pepper, Thor has Jane, Clint already had a family and two kid, Natasha and Bruce are a couple... Hell even Steve with Bucky"

She thought that and started to sing:

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart? 

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel...?

Her beautyful voice slowly closed, a knot grew in her throat as she started to sob, then cry. She felt nothing but darkness and being alone, while she was the heart of her team. The fact and happy memories didnt helped. But remembered when Steve laughed in the joke, remembered when Tony gave her a compliment about her progress, the training in the gym with Nat, sometimes with Bucky or Steve, even the archery competition with Clint. Her brain closed out those memories and forced her to not let inside. On the other hand... a tall, slim figure watched her. He has got long black hair, a pair of mesmerizing emerald green eyes, sharp features wich was particularly attractive, pale skin and mysterious aura. He hid in the shadow, just like he did in his childhood. He understood her pain, what's more, he felt the same. Being lonlely and left behind. To be honest, the girl would gave everything for a hug and being in a comfy place... Between someone's arm.

-Yes. I can feel it. Why are you here in those times? It's dark, dangerous and you dont know how many serial killer around you. You should go home.

-I dont think that two killer would've such a good talk like us.

Said the girl without looking back. She wasnt scared, she was still sad. The man, however was suprised from the answer.

-In fact, I'd be happy if you'd kill me right here.

-Why would I? I mean I'm not going to kill you.

-Then why are you here? Why dont you leave me alone? You know what? You're right... I'm going home and put on my "nothing happened me, i'm perfectly fine" mask.

Then without a single word, she vanished from the bridge back to the Avengers Tower, where ofc everyone was happy. Well, almost. While our girl was in her room, deep in her thoughts, the black haired man stormed through rooms, used the elevator until he found his brother. He knocked on the door, with a bit of nervousness. Soon, a tall, muscular, bearded blonde man opened the door. His face immediately light up btw. He loved his not so little brother.

-Where you've been Loki?

-None of your business brother.

-Then why are you energised? You always nap and brood in silence. Something has changed I can tell.

-Whatever. How can someone make a sad person happy?

-Someone wants make you happy, or you are the one who doesnt want to commit a crime?

-This time, the second one brother.

Loki quckly arranged his face before Thor could've figured out what caused the change in him. He really hoped that the girl told the truth to him, but doesnt thought that she's inside the Tower like he or everyone.

-Well... Kind words helps most of the time.

-Geez, she wanted to die, by my hands. BY MY HANDS! Shes even more depressed than me brother.

-How she looked out?

-Well, she was at my chest height, or at least i think, she sat on the ground, and i'm not a cat, I cant see in the dark... Btw she had dark hair, maybe brown or black, waist lenght, straight. Her voice was.... Truly beautyful, even when it broke and started to cry.

-Hmm... Looks like you met with Valr. Oh brother, if you really want to know her better, it might be a big bite for you. She only talks when someone ask something from her, and I've never seen or heard her laughing. Most of the time she is in the library, gym or in her room when she isnt on a mission, out here with us. But to be honest, it could be anyone. I wish you good luck, if you really saw Valr... She's a worthy warrior.

-One more question before Ieave. Does she used to attend at dinner?

Thor nodded as an answer for the question, then closed the door after Loki, who teleported to the library. He found it empity tho. But at the other hand, Valr successfully picked herself up from the floor and walked to the common kitchen. She sighed in relief, she was alone, but not for a long time. As the time passed, the table was ready for the dinner. A whole set of plates, forks and knifes with table napkins. As the clock hit 7:30pm, the rest of the team slowly started to attend here and fill the room with energy and happines... The first, and most hungriest person was Bucky, then Steve, after them Natasha and Bruce. Thor followed them with Loki who seemed distant from the others. Clint arrived before the two god. As usual, Tony didnt showed up.

-Ah, Lady Valr, take a seat and eath with us.

-Thanks Thor, but I'm not hungry. I already ate and now I'm full.

-At least, stay with us and drink Val'.

-This cant cause any problem I guess.

The god of mischief immediately looked at Valr from the corner of his eye, when she lied to Thor without batting an eye. He already liked her, and planned to give her leftover food. Somehow he felt what the girl felt. The hardness of keeping the mask on... He greeted as an old friend. Sadness, even depression? Those kind of feelings too, but he played along with Valr. After they finished the dinner Steve stayed in the kitchen with Bucky to do the dishes and everyone went to their room. Except Loki, who kept an eye on her and sneaked up some food for her. He knocked on the door.

-Yes? It's open.

-Thank god it's open, I brought food for you Lady Valr.

-Why? I said I'm not hungry.

But Loki just smirked under his nonexistent mustache and placed the plate on the table. He found her reaction rather funny...

-Honey, you can not lie to the god of mischief.

-Great. Thanks for the food, you can go away and leave me alone. I dont need anyone in my life.

-Really? Then why are you scared to get close and hate being alone?

-I said, you can go away and leave me alone. Are you deaf or what?

-Slow down Lady Valr, there isnt such a reason to behave so mean, but as you wish. I leave you alone now, but I'll keep an eye on you.

-This is what I missed... I dont need baby sitting.

-Have a goodnight, Lady Valr.

If she could have a good night, she'd have a dream, but the next day's morning she went on a mission with Bucky. So she woke up at 5am, streched a bit, then had her regular morning routine before grabbed the suitcase and went to the kitchen, where Bucky waited for her. The smell of coffe enchanted a smile to her lips. The man with the metal hand greeted with a nod, and offered her a cup of coffe. Luckily he knew how Valr likes the caffeined black-ish liquid.

-I cant believe you are in this mission, I know how much do you hate Russia.

-Yes, but you cant dance with Nat, and noone else can speak fluent russian beside me. Do you have that magic tho?

-Poof. It will last while we're close to each other. Maybe one mile... I didnt need to use this spell until then.

-Wow. You amaze me every time Valr.

-Now let's go, I'm sure Tony already booked a flight to Moscow...

They boarded the plane and sat in silence after they talked through the plan. Bucky, who could never escape fully from the past, started to analyze Valr, but it was hard, even for him.

-З-здравствуйте...меня зовут...Valr...

-The hell did you just said?

Bucky never heard Valr talking in Russian so perfectly. She said those words without any accent, and he almost answered in the same language.

-Just one of thies things I can say in Russian.

-Well, it was perfect, but let me talk in Russian. Not because I love it, but 70 years experience from missions is still experience... Oh god, I already miss him...

-If you show feelings towards him, we might be caught. Steve still wanted for the underground, secret organizations in Russia. I know, you're gay for him and he's bi, but we need to play that we're a couple.

As the days passed by, Valr and Bucky grew closer to each other, talked about how they got captured/kidnapped and used to achieve bad goals. Not that fact they were so distant from each other, but they were the two person out of the Avengers... who were the quietest. As the day approached, they practiced a little dancing. You need know that the thing they search for, can be found in a Ball, wich held and organised secretly by Hydra. Extremely evil, right? But they had allies in the shadows and under the sun... When the day has arrived, you could cut the nervousness in the air with butterknife. Now, Valr understood why Bucky doesnt like to take a walk at daytime, unless he did it with Steve, his safe-place.

---------------------------------------

Untitled "little" story

Part one

I hope you liked it if you tripped over it...

@winterbuckytho @itsbuckyb1tch @i-smell-penniess

[mollyphoria]

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

[sunsetsover]

I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD

ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on

let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao

and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!

also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao

now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)

warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)

ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:

i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline  personality disorder does.

no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)

but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)

bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!

bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.

so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective

in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.

i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.

even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.

and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality  (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)

i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao

here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’

a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.

ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.

but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao

3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.

some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)

also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?

(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)

4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

again, does this need explaining?

doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.

(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)

it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.

it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.

i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)

also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!

6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2

i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that’s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao

on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.

this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.

(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)

and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.

and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.

like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.

(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.

also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!

and again, does this one need explaining?

ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?

‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.

and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.

there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao

so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!

all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet

most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.

i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.

and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.

and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.

and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)

and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.

also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.

(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)

just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)

so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)

if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖

[askthechaoticwitch]

➡ @xmalfoydracox ⬅

The Slytherin inhaled as he listened to her words, keeping his grip on her wrist as he exhaled. “Yeah, it came out of nowhere and caught me off guard. But just ignoring it won’t do any good, trust me ignoring something usually makes it so much worse. And besides if something horrible should happen to me and I was gone for good, you’d have to live with the what if and do you really want to do that?” He questioned softly before he let out a sigh as he let go of her wrist, listening to her speak once more he couldn’t help but to shake his head in disbelief. “I’m far from being a saint but thank you Wanda, you seem to be the only one who see’s the good in me. Well other than my mother but I am sure she’s quite bias since I am her baby boy.”

The male had allowed the female to take his hands in hers, he just focused on breathing as he listened to what she had to say. He couldn’t help but to let another sigh escape his throat, he had tried once before to make a friend who wasn’t as bad as his current friends but the male had judged him before getting to know him and rejected him. That had hurt quite a lot so he decided to stick with Slytherins and to close his heart away, he focused more on making his father proud than worrying about anything else. As he did that he decided to make the male’s life hell, if he wanted to assume he was the wrong sorts then so be it - he’d show him the wrong sorts as long as he felt the pain he had caused.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts when the Gryffindor had finally finished her thoughts, scrunching up his nose a it as his lips curled into a frown. “I’m not in love with Pansy so I wasn’t holding my breath for a future with her, its just a in the now and see where it goes sort of thing. You assume I deserve all that but in honestly, I wish I did but I don’t. And besides I'd sort of have to allow someone to get that close to start with and if you haven’t notice, I sort of made it where no one seems to want to. And yeah maybe but I haven’t exactly decided if I want to settle down.” He spilled out as he let his face relax a tad bit, shaking his head at her in disbelief once more. Did she seriously think he was gonna forget about her little confession, if she did then she was crazy. “In Merlin’s name you can’t be serious, I aint gonna forget about you little confession Maximoff. What I can guarantee you, is that its not gonna change anything unless you let it. And you need to stop assuming what I feel, its bloody rude. You aint me so you don’t know what I feel so don’t even begin to tell me how I feel, it is one way to make me dislike you and that’s really not what .” Malfoy hissed as his nostrils flared, it wasn’t as if he tended to lose his temper on her but who gave her the right to assume how he felt?

Inhaling then exhaling before he dared speak once more, he was trying to keep his emotions in check because he wasn’t gonna lose it on her. “You are right, I don’t feel that way towards you currently so yeah we’re not gonna happen. But it still doesn’t give you the right to assume my feelings before actually talking to me about it. And stop calling it a problem, there is seriously nothing wrong with having those feelings.” He sighed out as he lowered his voice, the last thing he wanted to do what hurt her feelings but he had to be honest with her. Besides it would be for the best if she just got over him, for multiple reasons that he really didn’t want to discuss.

After a few moments had passed, the male was becoming a bit angsty. He could see the worry in her eyes, which was followed shortly by words that he was dreading to hear. “Don’t worry about it...” He muttered out in a low breath, he honestly didn’t need another person worrying about him. He would be fine - he just had to be, but unfortunately he knew that he couldn’t stop her from worrying about him. Swallowing hard as he let go of her hands and moved backwards a bit, he was all too prepared to run and avoid this subject. He could handle the other one but this one, he didn’t want to talk about.

How could he tell her his deepest darkest secret, knowing that it would change things between them for good. After all she was on Potter’s side the last time he checked, he however was on the dark lords side - not by choice tho. It was bad enough he may not survive to his seventeenth birthday but to lose his best friend? That was worst.

He parted his lips to lie and say he was fine, that it was nothing he couldn’t handle. However he was cut off when she once again spoke, a slight huff escaping his throat at the words. He doubt she could love him if she knew what he was and what he had to do, even if she managed to somehow love him then the realization of what’s gonna happen if he fails is gonna hurt her. After all he promised her that he’d always be there for her til the end, how could he tell her knowing it could cause her pain either way?

A frown settled upon his facial features as he pulled away from her, he was literally trembling at this point. He didn’t care to pretend anymore, he was so close to breaking. “Wanda--” The blond began but cut himself off, he began looking around before he turned his attention back to her. He didn’t say anything, instead grabbed her hand and took her to somewhere more private. “--You can’t help me, I’m sorry...” Draco breathed out as he put a bit of distance between them, he couldn’t stand being near her right now as what he was about to do was gonna be one of the hardest things he would ever have to do when it came to Maximoff.

The Slytherin bit down on his bottom lip hard enough to cause it to bleed as he held out his arm and flipped it over, his hand ghosting his sleeve as he looked down at it. He knew there was no turning back after he did this and he knew for sure he wasn’t ready for this but he couldn’t lie to her, she had to know what’s wrong and why he didn’t deserve anything she thought he did. Inhaling and exhaling once more as he looked up at her, once he locked eyes with her he lifted up his sleeve to reveal the dark mark that rested upon his arm. “I’m not fine, I am never gonna be find again. I am supposed to kill Dumbledore. I don’t want to do it but I have no choice, I have to do this or he’s gonna kill me. I rather pitch myself off the    Astronomy Tower than do this but he not only threatened to kill me if I fail but my parents too and I can’t let that happen, I just can’t. Its my father’s punishment for failing the dark lord not once but twice, my mother cried for weeks after I received the mission.. I have been trying for weeks to fix up a vanishing cabinet to let my Aunt Bella and a few death eaters in the castle.. I barely sleep due to that and the guilt and fear I feel is causing me to barely eat, I am basically dying inside... I didn’t tell you all this because I am terrified of losing you, not that I can blame you because death eaters killed your parents and now I am a death eater about to commit the worst unforgivable thing imaginable. I’m sorry, I am so truly sorry. You can hate me, I understand but please don’t tell anyone. Please, I am begging you.” Draco cried out as the tears fell from his eyes, he couldn’t stop himself from breaking down any longer.

Wanda was listening to Draco, her facial expression turning from relaxed to one of disappointment and worry. He had suddenly slipped but it didn't go unnoticed by his friend. "Wait. What do you mean by "if I was gone for good"? What is going on? Why are you speaking as if you're going to die?"

However, he kept talking about his relationship with Pansy, and she let him finish, but she was going to bring it back as soon as he was done speaking. The brunette frowned, looking at Draco bewildered. "What's the point of being in a relationship with someone you don't love! If you truly have no feelings for her as you said, you should stop wasting your and her time. As mean as she can be, she deserves to be with a person who loves her. You do too. You'll only hurt her and yourself if you keep this up."

Wanda felt her cheeks heat up when the Slytherin brought back the topic of her feelings. She shifted uncomfortably, swallowing hard, a look of betrayal in her eyes. Draco had ditched her for a girl he doesn't even love? To say she was feeling terrible was understandable. Rage was building up inside of her, but she put on a perfectly calm, cold expression, determined not to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had been able to hit a nerve.

"Listen, Malfoy - I've always thought you could be more than the mean person everyone knows. You have no right to play with people's feelings and you should stop leading Parkinson on, that's really shitty of you. I'm not really surprised though, you've always been up for some "entertainment"."

The girl took a breath, still looking at Draco with an emotionless face. "I won't stop calling it a problem because it clearly is one. Falling for you was a mistake especially since I now know you don't mind dating someone just for the fun of it and not because you truly have feelings for them. That's a reason I should give up on you, just as you wanted."

Wanda really couldn't imagine dating her best friend and finding out he didn't love her at all in the first place. The thought made her feel used, somehow dirty. The Gryffindor suddenly felt sorry for Pansy, whose situation was exactly this one.

After she had brought up Draco's miserable state, Wanda noticed him becoming quite uneasy and she almost regretted starting this conversation. Almost.

The girl followed him to somewhere private where they could discuss this matter in peace and waited patiently for a reply. She frowned when he let go of her hands, upset by the fact that her friend was pushing her away again. The female observed the way anxiety was seeping into Draco, she could almost hear his loud heartbeat in the deadly quiet room. Her expression softened, she was looking at him with pure love, encouraging him to share what was troubling him. It hurt her incredibly much to watch him suffer in silence, unable to help him so she was hoping he'd finally let her in.

Wanda's eyes filled with tears at the sight of Draco nearly falling apart, but she didn't say a word. With a pounding heart she watched as the boy pulled up his sleeve to reveal the dark mark on his arm. The girl let out a quiet gasp, covering her mouth, as the tears finally rolled down her cheeks. She carefully listened to her friend's explanation, not taking her eyes off the black skull and snake which rested upon his arm. The female could only take a couple of seconds before nausea hit her full force and she had to pull a chair to sit on since her legs were barely holding her at that point. The news knocked the air out of her lungs and Wanda began to rub her throat, finding it extremely hard to breathe. Countless thoughts were running through her head, each more terrifying than the one before it. She had already lost her biological parents, twin brother and adoptive parents, she wouldn't be able to bear the loss of her best friend who was her only family.

She looked up at the boy with a broken expression, nearly choking on her words. "You do realise not only Dumbledore is going to die if you complete this mission? What makes you think Voldemort won't kill you and your parents even if you succeed? Remember - he's not to be trusted, he knows no sympathy nor loyalty. He's cruel and he wouldn't hesitate to get rid of any of you if he has to, in order to win."

Wanda stood up and in the next moment the boy was in her warm embrace. The girl knew how much he needed to let it all out and she wasn't going to stop him - she let him cry into her shoulder and be broken, something he had done for her long ago.

"Draco... I can't hate you for something that's not your fault. You were forced to join the Death Eaters and you never wanted to kill anyone," Wanda spoke softly, taking Draco's hand to gently caress the skin where the mark rested, knowing how painful the process of receiving it actually is. She was absolutely shocked by how long he had managed to keep it a secret for but couldn't blame him - there's no easy way to share this secret even with your closest friends. "All of this... I can't even process it. I'm sure you know all of us are going to lose if you let the Death Eaters in. Thousands of innocent people are going to be hurt, tortured and killed..."

Wanda whimpered quietly, still not believing what she had just heard. "You've been a bully, yes, but you could never be a murderer. Your heart isn't cruel. That's why I know you're going to fail with your mission. Plus Dumbledore is the greatest wizard of all time, he can't be killed easily."

"I promise you that you do have a choice. You'll always have. You're just a boy who happened to be burdened with a terrible purpose and I know people who would gladly provide you safety. Dumbledore himself would never turn his back on people who come to him for help. Your parents would be safe too, Dumbledore would shelter them like he did with Severus Snape years ago."

Wanda squeezed her eyes shut and a few more tears fell. "If you, however, decide to finish your mission, that means you're on the Dark Lord's side and you support the people who murdered my parents. You will hurt me immensely if you betray me like that."

The girl finally opened her eyes and exhaled slowly. She looked into Draco's tortured grey eyes. Wanda didn't really care about how miserable and worn out she looked, she just stood on her tippy toes and placed and feather-like kiss on his forehead.

"Just say the word, Draco, my dear. You don't have to go through this, especially not alone. I'll be with you until the very end. Whatever it takes."