#I'm doing laundry and bought new bed sheets

[greppelheks]

happy new year, my loves 💖 I'm doing my little new year's ritual of cleaning everything, cleaning some bad energy in the house, and journalling. Hope you all had a good new year's eve!

[swee7dream]

how would the dreamies react to their s/o regressing for the first time in front of them after being super stressed and not being able to be a little ? ^^

it’s been a long time caregiver!nct dream x gender-neutral!regressor!reader

genres sfw age regression content, established relationship, hurt / comfort, angst in some, bits of fluff in all warnings involuntary / vent regression, regression block, negative self-talk, haechan's is long sry dni if you sexualize age regression. not only blocking but also reporting.

author’s note i'm SO sorry this took so long for me to get out. i promise i didn't forget about you, nonnie! i might've geared a little bit ( a lot ) off the prompt at times but i still hope you like it ! thx 4 requesting !

mark lee (ᓀ‸ᓂ) wc 642

With all your responsibilities lately, Mark finds it logical that you don’t regress as often as you used to. The last time he remembers was over three months ago. He misses taking care of you, hearing your sweet voice call out for your 'Mack!'. But he doesn’t want to burden you even more with any expectations to do anything you weren’t feeling up to do. He wasn’t planning to bring it up. Honest.

That was until you started coming home to avoid his kisses and go straight to bed. That moment left a pang in his heart.

In the silence and tension of your apartment, Mark finds himself in your little corner of tiny things, picking up your toys and dusting off your coloring books with longing. He misses his baby, so he’s going to get his baby back, he decides, no matter what it takes.

“Oh look, that new Disney movie came out you said you wanted to go see it, right?”

“I’m tired, Mark.”

“…okay.” He bites the inside of his cheek.

Just keep trying, Mark. You got this.

“Babe, I’m doing laundry. You want me to wash Cheese Doodle?” He knocks at your office door.

“Huh?” You raise your head as if you were a fish out of water. “Uh, yeah. That’s fine. Thank you.”

Hmph.

“What is that?” You give the box in Mark’s hand a look.

“It’s a game. Picked it up at the store. It’s like… Twister? But there’s something different about it. I dunno, I didn’t pay attention to the label and just bought it. Chenle asked that we bring some kind of board game for his party on Saturday.”

“Oh. Well, I have a thing on Saturday so tell him I can’t go but I hope everyone has fun.”

As the saying goes, the fourth time’s a charm.

“You’re not going to bed?” You rub your eyes, already in your night clothes and under the sheets.

“Not really tired,” he replies with a shrug as he makes his way out into the kitchen. “I think I’m gonna make myself some angel milk to get the sleeping juices going. That always worked for you. You want some?”

You’re already pretty tired, the events of the day had sucked every last drop of potential energy from you. Still, some angel milk in all its sweet, vanilla-tasting glory makes you lick your lips.

“…yeah. Please,” you answer.

When he comes back from the kitchen, he has your warm drink in one hand and Cheese Doodle—your orange puppy stuffie—in the other.

“Sit up for me, baby,” he says softly as he sits down on the edge of the bed, not wanting to spill anything from your favorite mug.

“Unicorn…!” You notice, taking the pink and rainbow cup in your two sleeve-clad hands. “Thank you.”

“Mhm.” Mark smiles. “and I just took cheese doodle out of the laundry too. Used the fabric softener that you like. Wanna feel?”

“Oh.” In a second, you’re like a cat rubbing your cheek against Cheese Doodle’s fur. “Smells good, Markie. Thank you.”

”Of course, baby. Feeling tiny?” He asks only now that he’s 95% sure you are.

”Little bit,” you admit into your mug, slurping quietly to not burn yourself.

”Aw.” He pouts. “That’s good. You know, Markie missed you, baby. I haven’t held my baby in such a long time.”

”Missed Markie too.” You blink at him with sleepy eyes and a milk mustache. “Lot.”

”Wanna cuddle for a little then?”

”Just for a lil' bit.” You nod, placing your angel milk on the bedside table.

Mark knows the mug will be forgotten by the morning but he'd rather make and waste a million angel milks than for you to forget him and Cheese Doodle again.

huang renjun ૮ ˙Ⱉ˙ ა wc 594

“Oh that’s a nice painting, Jun,” you praise, resting your chin on his shoulder as he sits on a stool. “Very pretty.”

“I feel like it’s missing something, though,” he says with a frown. “Here. You paint something.”

“On your canvas?” You look at him. “No way, love. I’ll ruin it.”

“You won’t. Now take the brush.”

“I won’t.” You step back and cross your arms. “I’m not gonna mess up this painting you’ve been working so hard on with my clumsiness.”

“What are you talking about? You always add something to my paintings.” Renjun gives you a look. The look that makes you want to roll your eyes.

“And they’re always so much better before me.”

“You don’t think that.”

“I do.”

“Why are you talking about yourself in this way all of a sudden?”

“Because it’s true!” You explode. There’s a burning in the backs of your eyes as you keep talking. “All I’ve been doing lately is messing up stuff for other people. I’m no good, Renjun.”

“…”

“My boss thinks it, my team members think it. I know you think it too!” You sob.

“Darling-”

“Stop it, Jun.”

“Darling,” he repeats, taking your hand in his. “come here.”

He pulls you in with one hand and wipes your tears with another, so careful he almost makes you think you are glass.

“What’s in that green binder in the bookshelf over there?” he asks.

“What?” You furrow your brows. “I don’t know.”

“Go check.”

You give him a look but make your way to the oak bookshelf; filled with sketchbooks, novels, and a singular green binder. You look at Renjun when your fingers touch the spine and take it out only after he nods. Your knees wobble as you flip through the pages so you let your bottom hit the floor.

In the binder are the handwritten notes from back before the two of you even started dating; flirtatious exchanges recorded on coffee shop napkins, gum wrappers, and ripped-up bits of college notes. The next stage of your relationship is at the flip of a page; rushed post-it notes of domestic living with 'I love you!'s and 'Don't forget to eat!'s kept safe in the plastic sheets.

You look up at him with surprise but he only nods his head for you to keep flipping pages. You flip through empty slips until you almost reach the back cover and find all the drawings you’ve made for Renjun over the years while in regression. Each and every one. Even the ones where you're mad at him and have him eaten by monsters.

“You kept them…” You pass a finger over a drawing you made of the two of you, your stickmen-selves holding hands and smiling in a rocket ship.

“Of course I did, baby. How could I throw away something so perfect?” You hear his voice next to you, having gotten up from his seat to crouch next to you on the floor. He gently pulls your head into his chest and his lips drop to kiss the top of your head. “I don’t think you mess up things, my love. Ever. You simply change their direction. My Lovebug is the most creative, innovative person in the whole wide world, didn’t you know?”

“Junnie…” You sob, the dam of pent-up emotions finally seeking release.

“Hi there, babybug.” He whispers. “I’m right here, lovey. Right here. Let it all out.”

lee jeno ૮ .◜◡◝ა wc 655

“Babe, the ice is melting and your coke is turning into gross, brown, sweet-tasting water,” Jeno warns.

“One second, baby. I just need to finish this assignment real quick,” you mutter with your bottom lip bit in place.

It seems you’re still in the same clothes from three days ago, the same amount of time Jeno’s seen you stay in bed studying. He’s beginning to think your butt might be attached permanently to the mattress at this point. When it comes to your bedside table, your 5-hour energy from lunchtime being the latest addition to the food trash and empty water bottle pile doesn’t fill him with any more positive thoughts.

“When’s it for?” He sighs. “Your assignment.”

“…what?” You turn your head to him but your eyes stay on the screen. “Oh, um, Friday.”

“It’s Monday. Come on.” Jeno pulls at your arm like a spoiled child. “I’m not even making you shower or anything. I just wanna hang out with my hermit, stinky, computer nerd. Will you grant me my wish please?”

You look up with a half-offended, half-amused expression and your jaw dropped.

“I’m not stinky!” You fail to shake off your arm from his hold. “I told you I’m coming! I just really need to finish this.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Ye- ah!” You squeal as Jeno pulls at your arm, throwing you over his shoulder. “Jeno! I’m serious!”

“I’m serious too. Monday to Friday is five days-”

“Four days!”

“-and that’s more than enough time to finish your assignment.” He refuses to acknowledge your interruption. “You are going to eat a proper dinner with me on the couch as we watch TV and you’re gonna like it, you got that?”

“Augh…!” You groan, going limp on him.

“Oh, I know.” Jeno pouts as he sets you on the couch, covering you in your train-print fleece blanket. “I’m so mean, aren’t I? Asking you to take a break when all you wanna do is work, work, work.”

You just stare at him, squinting your eyes as you fail to hide a smile.

“Well unfortunately for you, gumdrop, babies don’t work! So I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. The police will come after me if I do. Child labor laws or something like that.”

He leaves a quick kiss on your forehead right before speeding to the kitchen. Jeno’s eyebrows wiggle in a wave when he returns with your food; apple slices, chicken nuggets, and fries all in their respective spots in your divided plate.

The original pasta and movie date night plan being scrapped for a Nono-Gumdrop night doesn’t phase Jeno. In fact, it excites him. Your projects and exams and assignments and professors... he tries so hard not to hold resentment against them all as they pull his baby away from him. But tonight? Tonight is different, and for once in his life, caregiver Jeno is triumphant.

“Thank you…” Your fingers wrap around the blue silicone and Jeno engulfs you in a bear hug when he sits down. Tight but not so tight it obstructs your arms when eating. “What are we watching, Nono?”

“Max and Ruby.” He smiles when you gasp.

“Love Max and Ruby!” You gush with a mouthful of apples.

“Do you?” Jeno drops his head to the side. “You do? You do? Nuh-uh. I do. It’s my favorite show in the whole wide world.”

“Well, ’s my favorite show in the whole galaxy!”

“Yeah? Well-”

You squeal, feeling ticklish when he nuzzles his stubble on your face.

“Nono, stop!” You giggle.

“Eat up, gumdrop.” He sighs, the feeling of his baby in his arms and eating a proper meal for the first time in days is an incomparable joy. “Two episodes and then it’s bathtime.”

“Ah, boo, Nono!” you whine but it turns back to giggles when he compresses you in his arms.

lee donghyuck ʕ˙Ⱉ˙‧:ʔ wc 994

“You there, Angel?”

You shake your head.

It feels strange, like your body isn’t yours, as you hold on tight to your dolls in your hands and see none of the lively sparkle in their eyes you usually do when you’re small.

“I’m broken, Hyuck,” you say with such a lack of emotions that you can’t tell if it’s actually you who is speaking. “I did everything right. I got dressed, I put on the music box, I’m trying to play for God’s sake. And nothing is working still. I feel ridiculous. A grown adult trying to act like a child.” You scoff.

“Hey, stop.” Donghyuck’s firm tone sends a shiver down your spine and you pull away. His shoulders drop when he notices; you’re scared and he’s only making it worse.

“That’s my baby you’re talking about, you know?” He tries again, with a softer tone this time. “Don’t talk about yourself like that. You are not broken.” He holds your cheek.

“I’m just so tired, Hyuck.” Tears come up and blur your vision. “Everything has been going on for so long at the exact same time and I just- I can’t anymore. I need to just step away from reality for a little bit but I can’t even do that. My brain is just locking me in here in this state of suffering for who knows how long and I have no way of getting out. Not even for an hour.” You sob.

“I know, lovely.” He wraps his arms around you, letting you in turn wrap your arms around his legs from your seat on the floor. “It’s been so much for so long. You deserve a little break. Take a deep breath. Let’s try to let go of all these grownup worries, okay? We can pick them back up later. Come on, Angel, breathe.”

Angel.

Channie called you Angel and you still don’t feel small. The realization makes for more tears to come up but you refuse to let another defeated cry leave you. The denim of his jeans is rough on your face but not rough enough to make you stop using it as a tissue for your tears.

“…okay,” you creak out. “Breathe in. Breathing in…”

“There we go.” Haechan passes a hand over your head, the sensation soothing you somewhat. “And out. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Good job, Angel. Nice long deep breaths.”

You repeat the action several times, following his counts and pushing yourself to feel his jeans under your fingertips and smell the woodsy notes of his cologne to ground yourself.

“Everything sucks,” you say after some moments of silence. “Everything sucks. I didn’t even ask for any of this. I just want to be small,” your voice breaks.

“And you will be.” Donghyuck’s touch is gentle, encouraging you without words to look up at him. The pad of his thumb is warm when it wipes the tears from your face, brushing against your damp lashes. “You will be. I promise.”

“I don’t know what to do, Hyuck. I’m all out of ideas at this point,” you admit.

“How about just trying to feel not sucky?” He scrunches his nose, the most tender of smiles painted on his face. “How about… just drawing a picture? Just one. Doesn’t have to be with crayon or marker like when you’re feeling tiny. It can be whatever you want it to be. Don’t think about being small, just about drawing.”

“…draw what?”

“Hm… what about your dolls?”

When you unwrap yourself from his legs to look at said dolls, it gives Donghyuck the chance to go grab your art supplies. Your dolls don’t have that lively aura you see them with when you’re small but you can almost feel a sort of pity and empathy from them. It reminds you of the type of support your friends give you in their messages despite the country lines separating you.

“And I’ll draw… a car. Jeno’s been getting me into Formula One.” Donghyuck pulls you out of your thoughts when his voice is so close it makes you turn to see he’s taken a seat next to you on the floor. He opens a pencil case right in front of you two and takes a black pencil for himself to begin sketching on some paper.

“Really?” You opt a red pencil.

“Yeah. It’s pretty interesting.” He shrugs.

“But ’s so boring.” You sniffle up some snot from your lightning-fast crying session. You didn’t even cry for that long, how come you can feel your eyes swelling? So annoying. “They just go around in circles.”

“It’s not just that though. There’s—pass me the red? Oh, you have it. No, it’s okay. I can wait—there’s like a ton of beef between them. I like watching the interviews and stuff. It’s like watching basketball or football.” Haechan lets out a groan as he lays on his stomach, resting a cheek on his fist. “That’s really pretty, baby.”

“Y’like it?” You move to mirror him, turning your drawing for him to see better. “Think I’m gonna add some other stuff too.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know yet,” you admit. “Probably you. I always like drawing you. And then… your red car. You can take me and the dollies on a road trip. I like it when we have fun together.”

Affection floods out of Donghyuck, letting out an adoring ‘aw’ as he hugs you, leaving kisses on all the spots he knows won’t lead to a tickle fight.

“So cute! I always have fun with you. My Angel...” he hums into your temple.

“My Channie…” you mutter under your breath, sketching his head four times bigger than the rest.

na jaemin ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭ wc 664

“I’m okay.” You rub your nose. “Just a couple sneezes, Jaem. It’s not a big deal. I can keep studying for a little while longer.”

“You sneezed four times in a row.” Jaemin stands next to your desk chair with his arms crossed. “Do you know what that means?”

“What?” You sigh, knowing he won’t leave until you entertain him.

“You have the plague.”

“The what?”

“The plague.”

“Baby, I don’t have the-” Achoo! “the-” Achoo! “the plague…”

You move your mouse around your screen and click away at it but it doesn’t hide the reflection of Jaemin’s intense stare into your skull. He’s not amused. You spin your chair around.

“I don’t have the plague,” you repeat with a clogged nose, not even convincing yourself this time. “…I just have a little cold.”

“I wonder where you could have gotten that from, hm?” He turns you toward him by the chair’s arms and traps you by holding onto both of them and leaning in until your foreheads almost touch. “Maybe from studying a little too much? From stretching yourself too thin? Pushing yourself past your limits? Hm? Hm? hm?” He turns his head at an angle with each question, being obnoxious about his accurate statements.

“Five minutes.”

“No.”

“I just need to email this professor.”

“No.”

“I have a group project.”

“Good thing you have groupmates, huh? Come on, get off your pretty little butt.” He grabs you from under the armpits, placing your feet on the ground as if you were merely a bag of rice. “We’re playing hospital.”

“No…” you whine with dragging feet the whole time Jaemin guides you to the kitchen, his gentlemanly hand giving you no chance to run as it rests on the small of your back.

“Yes…” He pouts at you as he fills up the syringe with orange medicinal syrup. “Babies need be good and take their medicine when they are sick, okay?”

“Jaemin-” You pull your head the other way, holding his wrist away from you.

“Baby…” he sings, dodging your attempts. “Say ‘ah’, pumpkin.”

Pressing your lips tight doesn’t do anything, the plastic tip of the syringe still slipping in and filling your mouth with bitter medicine that makes a lame attempt at orange flavoring. You shake your head, still rejecting the cold syrup as it goes down, but it does regardless, chilling your throat when it does.

“Bleh!”

“Drink some water, baby.” Jaemin holds up a cup (when did he fill that up?) and you take it as if it were the key to eternal life.

“Taste so icky,” you say with your face scrunched up like a raisin. “Hate it!”

You’re sick and suffering from forced consumption of medicine. Jaemin knows this. Jaemin shouldn’t smile. But he just can’t help it! His baby is finally back after such a long, long time. he thought he was gonna die from BWS (Baby Withdrawal Symptoms).

“Aw…” His hands reach out to hold your face and squish your cheeks together. “Baby doesn’t like medicine? Babies don’t like yucky bitter things. Babies like… sweet yummy things! How about some hot chocolate, lovey-dovey?”

“Chocwate?” you ask with raised eyebrows.

“Hot chocwate.” His nose scrunches as he pinches your cheeks. “Does that sound good?”

“Yeah!” You hop free of his crab claws. “Hot chocolate! Wanna, wanna, wanna!”

“Be careful, sugarplum!” Jaemin laughs, twirling you with such ease it feels as if you were in a dance. “Why don’t you go put something on the TV while I make us the chocolate? Whatever you want, baby,” he says, but you’re already out of the kitchen and looking under blankets and cushions for the remote.

“Spongebob!” You hold it up to the ceiling like it were the sword in the stone.

“Except Spongebob. You know that shrinks your brain.”

“Aw!” You slump but quickly straighten up like a ruler. “Ah- Ah- Achoo!”

zhong chenle (ᯟ︿ᯏ) wc 622

“I’m so proud of you.” Chenle pecks your head as you hold his waist from behind. The smells coming from the stove you two stand in front of are nothing if not heavenly. “Pretty, funny, kind, graduated. How’d I bag you?”

“Mmm, I dunno.” You shrug smugly, as you look out the window. A content sigh leaves you as your eyes follow the raindrops that slide down your window. “Must’ve done something good in your past life.”

“Must have,” he hums. “Set the table for me? I’m basically almost done.”

“You got it.” You peck his cheek. “Smells delicious. Jaemin give you cooking lessons while I was gone?”

“I’ll have you know I’m a great cook. I don’t need any cooking lessons. Never have.”

“Ah…” You roll out the placemats with a sarcastic nod.

“But if I did, I would go to Donghyuck.”

“If you did, I would approve. His soups are good.”

“Mine are better.”

“…”

“Right?”

“Sure.”

The music playing from the speakers and lights in the apartment all shut off at once, not even the hum of the refrigerator sounding in the silence, the darkness. The thunder is so close it feels like footsteps. Heavy, angry footsteps coming close. Closer and closer to you.

The power comes back as soon as it left but you can’t seem to recover as fast. You don’t even remember dropping down to hold your knees, and in the dark you didn’t see how many tears came up to overflow from your eyes. Chenle calls out your name but it sounds so distant it doesn’t even register. It feels like you’re running out of oxygen like a deep sea diver falling hopelessly down to the ocean floor.

“Hey,” you take a sharp inhale at Chenle’s warm hands holding your cheeks ground you back to reality. “Hey, the power went out. Everything’s fine. You’re okay. You’re home, you’re with me. Nothing is gonna hurt you here, you hear me? You are safe.”

You almost knock Chenle over from his crouching position when you throw yourself on him, but he reads your body language just in time to catch you. His lips press into your hair, your temples, your shoulders, the softest of touches as you wail into his shirt. His heart breaks at how fragile you seem in the moment, like a porcelain doll with a chip. You sob and babble to the point that Chenle can’t understand what you’re saying. All he can catch is one word.

“Daddy…”

There’s nothing for you to do but cry, Chenle’s learned with time, so he lets you do just that. He lets you cry in his arms there on the floor and when you’re finally willing he attaches you to his hip as he walks around. He wipes your tears with a paper towel and makes sure you get a bottle of water to drink from to rehydrate.

His eyebrows furrow when you turn your head to dodge his spoon, rejecting the meal you were so looking forward to less than twenty minutes ago. This meal which was meant to be a celebration of not just the end of your education but of all your life up to this point. Of your growth, your endurance; of all the stress you put yourself through to come out victorious in the end.

You’re still victorious, he thinks. Even now as you fill up the apartment with tears, he’s so proud of you. His partner, his baby, the strongest person he’s ever met.

“Come on, dollface. Just one spoonful, yeah? Need you to eat,” he tries again.

park jisung (∩˃o˂∩) wc 668

“What’s that giant box?”

“What giant box?” He looks at you on the couch. “...I thought you were napping.”

“I woke up. What’s with that giant box you’re pushing into our house?”

“Oh, this?” Jisung looks down. “It's… a box.”

You blink, irritation in your tight-lipped smile at your boyfriend’s lack of cooperation.

“I know it’s a box, Ji. I'm asking what’s inside the box?”

“Box… stuff…”

“Jisung!”

“That’s not my name!” He whines as he shuts the front door. “My name to you is Ji! Or Baby! Not Jisung! It’s so scary when you call me that...” He sighs. “It was supposed to come before you started your vacation time, while you were at work.”

“Why?” Your eyebrows come together into a questioning frown.

“Because- just- you’ll see soon. Pass me the scissors? Thanks.” He pecks your lips, taking the scissors from your hands and pushing your back away with little force. “Now go. Get! Your surprise will be ready in a minute. Go… brush your dolls’ hair or something. It’ll be super quick.”

“Doll hairs? is it a Little gift?”

“Shoot.” Jisung bites his fist. “...can you just go in the bedroom already? It’s not a Little gift. It’s not.”

The instructions that came in the box of the not-Little gift said construction would only take thirty minutes. Not to fear, with super handyman Park Jisung to the rescue it only took three hours and two people.

“We’re done!” You clap, looking in awe at your brand new play kitchen, pink and wooden and creaky and yours. “Jiji, finish!”

“Yeah.” He sits back on the floor, wiping the sweat from his brow. “We’re finished. D’you like it?”

“It’s so pretty, jiji!” You beam, hugging his head and squeezing the brains out of him.

“I’m glad you like it, bub.” He nods at his work in approval. “You deserve it. Worked so hard recently.”

“Thankie!” You get up quickly, running barefoot into the bedroom to come back with a box of play food in all colors and sizes.

“Make you a lenonade, bubby!” You begin adding ice to a cup and add a lemon to it. “Ice cold lenonade.”

“Oh, I love your lenonade. Thanks, baby.” He takes the cup, making gulping noises and finishing it off with a loud and satisfied ‘ah!’. “Actually, are we playing restaurant right now?”

“Um… yeah!” you decide. “Welcome to my rest’rant! What would you like to order?”

“I would kill for a good burger.” Jisung pats his stomach like a starved man. “I hear you guys have some good ones, is that true?”

“The truest!” You smile. “One burger, comin’ up!”

You turn back to your kitchen and hum to yourself as you place a burger patty on the stove.

“No pans for that?”

“No pans!” You shake your head. “Special burger.”

“Ah, must be.” He mutters behind you.

When it comes to building time, Jisung acts like a to-be-blacklisted customer.

“Could I have no onions in my burger? I’m allergic.”

“No, you’re not.”

“It’s just play pretend, honey.”

“Oh. Then, yes you can, sir! No onions.”

“And no tomatoes please. I don’t like how the seeds get stuck between my teeth.”

“No tomatoes!”

“And could you cut the cheese? It kind of sends me to the bathroom.”

“Ew… okay, no cheese, either!” You toss the slice of play cheese to the side.

“…could you also remove the meat? I’m vegetarian.”

That’s the final straw. No meat? You look down at his ‘burger’: bread, lettuce, bread.

“This is what you want?” You turn to show him his order.

“Oh yes.” He smiles, clasping his hands together in anticipation. “That’s my burger! So tasty. Thank you, shop owner.”

“You’re welcome…” You give him a look. “Ketchup?”

“No thanks.”

“Mayo?”

“Bleh! Pass.”

“…barbeque sauce?”

“Oh, that’s my favorite! Lettuce and barbeque sauce burger, my favorite.” He licks his lips.

“Jiji, ew!” you whine.

tag list ( ask / comment to join ! ) @mystarsohee @cupofwyn @iwontlettheselittlethingsslip @aeriaeri

[copperbadge]

I came home last night and as I usually do, unpacked pretty much immediately; as I moved from room to room I kept being confused because parts of my home seemed weirdly clean. And then I'd remember "Oh yeah...because I cleaned it."

I did work on digital cleaning the entire time I was in Texas but it was tough to write about, mainly because I didn't get a ton of time to write in general. But getting back home again...

[ID: Two images of a three-tier metal cart from Ikea, the Rashult, fully assembled; the first shows it in the living room after being built, and the second show it in its new home under my kitchen worktable, next to a chest of drawers, filled with tupperware.]

I finally came to the conclusion that trying to keep all my tupperware in a cabinet simply wasn't working, so I bought a cart that I knew would fit under the table and finally got to assemble and fill it. Thanks @deesarrachi for suggesting this kind of cart on a previous post!

Assembling the cart and filling it with storage containers -- including sorting the containers to make sure no container went in without its lid -- took up pretty much an entire 52-minute episode of The Worst Idea of All Time, though I also used some of that time to scrub the grease off the kitchen hood and cover it with adhesive plastic that I can just change out every so often. And I changed the sheets on the bed since I needed to do laundry anyway, so tonight I go to bed with an organized tupperware shelf and new bedlinens, like I'm my own stereotypical 1950s housewife.

As we get to the end of the month I'm taking stock of what I got accomplished and while I didn't do some things I normally do (scrub the bathroom down and steam-clean some high-traffic areas, mainly) I did accomplish a lot of more permanent things. The bathroom will always get dirty again, but -- for example -- the tupperware has a new permanent home where it will stay more organized.

And I've still got a few days left! I have more than a few days' worth of work, but the momentum may carry me into December, and if not at least I have a list of stuff to do once I've had a bit of a break. And for today I get to rest, because tomorrow I'm back to work and the week will be busy. Feeling pretty accomplished right now, though.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in September 13th, 2023 🎀

So yesterday was absolutely one of the most productive days I have ever had, and I swear I enjoyed it so much. I got so much done, so much planned out, and I'm super happy. I also just got paid, so I bought some Japanese language learning resources, some desk organizer stuff for my ne stationery, and... some more new stationery. I can't help it, I love it all!!

🩷 What I Ate Today -

Breakfast - small bowl of boiled frozen chicken dumplings

Lunch - Leftover homemade cheeseburger and fries

Dinner - Mac and Cheese, Quesadilla

Snacks - rest of Mac and cheese

Extra - 4 cups of coffee

It has been a struggle staying awake some days so I do tend to over indulge in my coffee. It's so yummy. I also bought a matcha set so maybe I'll learn to make my own matcha drinks now and I'll cut back on the coffee?

🩷 Personal Achievements -

Swept bedroom/bathroom

Replacd old carpets with new ones

Replaced old shower liner with new one

Replaced old fitted bed sheet with new one

Organized my desk more efficiently

Washed dishes

Dyed my hair a bit again

Did a load of laundry

Put away ALL laundry in room

Took my bedroom trash out

Studied Japanese 15 min

I got just about everything on my to do list done in my room yesterday! I am super proud of myself for getting it all done. None of it was hard or took long but I had been procrastinating it so I'm just happy it got done.

🩷 Academic Achievements -

Completed and passed NUTR Exam 1

Completed and passed Culinary Quiz Ch 6

Completed and submitted Meal Three Writing Assignment

I didn't do any note taking yesterday cause I was on a video call with my boyfriend for most of the day on my Ipad, and my ipad is how I take notes. Since I don't have much to do today, I figured it'd be a good time to take some notes, watch my lecture videos, and read some textbook chapters.

🩷 To Do List for Today -

Read Ch 11 for Personal finance class + take notes

Watch Fitness For Health and Sport online lectures + take notes

Complete my Sample Nutrition Log assignment + submit it

Study Japanese 15+ min

Clean Bathroom

Attend RD mentorship meeting

Therapy

Extra Credit Meeting + mini writing assignment

I don't want to have to do too much today because I do have three separate meetings to get done today, and I believe this meeting with my first RD mentor is going to kickstart this program for me and add more to my plate. I have a meeting with my second RD mentor next week, so my schedule is gonna get very busy.

🩷 Song of the Day - Are You Satisfied by MARINA

This is a good motivational song for me to keep me on track with all my responsibilities. I love music so much, what would I do without it?

That's all for now, lovelies! Trying to get back into a self care routine is definitely a top priority right now, so expect some of that to be sprinkled into my updates again as I start becoming more successful with implementing it!

Til next time, lovelies 🩷

[regular-lord-reckoner]

welp, guess who hit burnout again ?!?!

i did !!

primarily because of some bad news i got last week. it's nothing bad bad, it's just some aggravating bullshit i have to deal with (basically i missed some payments for my therapist and i thought it was like...3 or 4, but it's like...8?? the lady that does her payroll is going to look into it because my deductible kicked in somewhere in there, but i don't think for most of it so i'm just annoyed at myself for letting this pile up like this but what can ya do!! thankfully she's been really forgiving and understanding, especially because a lot of these missed payments happened around when my dad died so i do appreciate that and will be making it up to her as soon as i can; i don't see her again until april so hopefully by then i can get a little more caught up

i also broke my favorite mirror and my pipe like a day apart from each other (the pipe i'm not as broken up about because i'm starting a tolerance break soon anyway and the guy i bought it from still makes the same one so we're all good there but the mirror???? the fucking mirror!?!)

okay so this goddamn mirror.

i genuinely don't even know how this happened

i had just put our dog down for his nap (yes, he has a nap time and yes i take care of him like he's my child now.........he's grown on me) and i went upstairs to use my bathroom and get my medicine and i may have accidentally knocked into something on my way there, but i swear i wasn't that close and as soon as i got into the bathroom i just heard a commotion and turned around and my dad's guitar fell over, hit the mirror, the mirror hit ??? and shattered

specifically into two pieces, one kinda small, i could have probably fit it into a cardboard box, but the other piece was too big and i would have had to break it up somehow without getting more glass everywhere and i could already see what looked like glitter all over the carpet so i said fuck that

i ended up having to get two very thick trash bags to bag it up and carefully transport it downstairs and all i could think was, "please don't let this fucking mirror cut through this plastic anymore than it already has (because it had a little) and end up slicing my hand up real bad and then what? i probably have to drive myself to the nearest walk in because no one else is here right now and it would take too long for an ambulance to get out here, plus..........expensive so...be careful!!!"

the whole ordeal ate up an entire hour of my fucking day because i had to just sit and stare at it for about half an hour before i could even clean it up, i just froze

then all the transporting it downstairs and getting it outside with the other trash and texting our family friend who hauls the trash off for all of us to let him know to be careful with it, yeah

it hasn't helped that i've somehow gotten behind on part of my work and my inbox lately has been consistently in the 200+ range and i keep finding all these stat referrals that aren't marked even though everyone literally just got an email the other fucking day to make sure those are marked but nope!! so now i feel pressure to get through as many of them as i can so needless to say my work days lately have been thusly:

i get up at 6:30 am. i do a little work. sometime around 7:30 i go lie back in bed for about an hour before i get up to get the dog up and take him outside and feed him his breakfast.

while he's eating i do the dishes and sometimes will get the trash all gathered up and set out to be taken off. i also feed the cat and check to see if he needs anything, any litter or water or whatever else.

sometimes i'll do some of my own cleaning, like my bathroom or start on my laundry (i think last week i ended up doing everything: sheets, towels, clothes, the dogs blankets and towels)

oh, i also give him a bath now every thursday so he's not stinky and it helps with his skin because his breed is prone to getting these little bumps so weekly baths help with that apparently

we'll go on walks throughout the day, too. usually whenever i take him out to go potty but sometimes if i get an extra bit of free time and the weather is nice we got for a little walk together

in between all of this i try to pop in to get some of my actual work done and on good days i do mange to scoot along pretty well. on bad days it's been kinda like how it's been for the past few weeks and i end up staying up until our records system literally begins to stop communicating with our patient scheduling/demographics system which means i can't do shit anymore. that's usually around 11:30 pm

somewhere in there i eat a few meals slowly over the course of a few hours and often don't even up finishing them because i've gotten the ick or they've gone too cold so i save it for later or just toss it out

i go to sleep usually around midnight or 1 am but again on bad nights it's like...almost 2 am. and then it's back up at 6. or my new favorite...wake up at 5 and then i'm not able to get back to sleep!

doesn't help that whenever i don't get enough sleep my neuromuscular shit gets a lot worse so i spend all day just lightly vibrating with tiredness (quite literally, it's just all day minimal shakes which is fun when all you do is type)

i would just take extra of my medicine but i lowkey got shamed by a pharmacist for refilling my meds too soon so....there's that

the last time i went to refill i didn't have any problems, normally the automated system will tell me, "hey, bitch, you can't refill this yet, slow down!" and so i know to wait a few more days and try again (unless i'm about to be out before then, of course), but that didn't happen, it just told me it would be ready tomorrow so tomorrow i went and evidently it was not eligible to be refilled that soon and it was just the way she was looking at me when she said, "didn't you just have this refilled [whatever the date what]??" which like...yeah, admittedly it was a little sooner than usual but like..........sometimes i just need more of my medicine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

pretty sure i was doing a lot of physical shit around then so yeah, i probably took more of my pills than normal....i realize i should probably just bite the bullet and contact my neurologist to see if he can up my prescription before my next visit in september where we normally go over that because evi-fuck-ing-dently if i need a little bit more sometimes it's gonna be a whole thing now

and of course, me being me, i'm like...apologetic, just like, "okay, well i can just come back another day, sorry" and she said, "well, we can refill it if you want to wait," which like....................why did you give me grief over it then?! but then when i asked about how long would it be she was like, "i dunno, 20 minutes or you can just come back later," which is hell to tell my autistic ass so i was just like, "uh, i guess i'll come back later..." which she seemed to be glad to be rid of me and likewise, so!

i went and cried in my car for a bit because once again just frustrated that i felt humiliated over that because it wasn't that deep, but it just kinda reminded me of high school and how i purposefully avoided going to the nurse's office to get my medicine because she was such a fucking asshole to me (she was the one who after i asked if my dad could come pick me up because i was sick started grilling me on my condition to which her conclusion was, "so, what, are you going to stay in bed for the rest of your life or something?" with just pure hatred in her voice, i literally didn't have an answer for that. she did not last long as the nurse, surprisingly! she was very unpopular, i can't even imagine the other fucked up shit she probably said to my classmates)

but yeah, just...hey, i need this to literally function. i'm not trying to hurt anyone. i'm not trying to make your job, that i know is already very hard, any harder. i just want my goddamn medicine. i just walked through over-stimulation city and am going to do it twice today (it's costco btw and the pharmacy is alllllll the way in the back), just......please do not give me a hard time about this for the love of god

also, if you're wondering, "gee anna, i'd just switch pharmacies if i were you, that sounds like a lot of hassle!" yes, i have considered that, but you see............my job's got me by the balls on this one. in the past couple of years they've introduced their own pharmacy and technically...........technically i'm supposed to be filling my medicine with them.

there's literally a clause about like, "don't you fucking dare fill [my type of medication] with anyone but us!!" but like......somehow i've managed to make it this far without them noticing??

and costco themselves have just sort of made it work?? because i think my original script was actually for a larger supply, but i guess if i got that filled it would force me to use my work's so costco just fills it to a lesser degree and somehow it flies under the rader. i dunno !!

but !! i've been using them instead of my work because from everything i've heard.....our pharmacy sux !!!!

i won't get into all of it (but like my mom has said some of her medicine with like...clearly what it is with her name and everything on it was left lying out where patients and god and everyone could see it....not great)

they also just make a lot of mistakes and i'm skeptical if they store things correctly so suffice to say there's a lot of reasons i just don't want to deal with it, it's also apparently hard to just...get your meds from them because of how they do things. so i really don't want to make this process any more challenging than what it already is, but yeah. a little bit frustrating, i guess

in addition to.....all of this, i also had got to thinking, "damn, i've been working a lot of 50 hour weeks lately, how long have i been doing this? a few months now?"

i knew it was around the time my dad was dying because i remember quite literally watching him in his hospice bed over the top of my computer to make sure he didn't wake up again and try to take his oxygen off

turns out it's uh....been a year now

right around this time last year i started working 50 hours a week.

granted there were a few weeks, especially at the beginning, where i would work one 50 hour week and then a 44 hour week and then 50 hours again and 40 back and forth like that because i was worried i'd get in trouble but eventually i realized no one way saying anything so eventually (and with a few exceptions, of course) i just started doing one after the other and now i'm here......kiiiiiiiiinda burnt out

which isn't surprising really, when i think about it

i was quite literally experiencing burn out to the point of serious thoughts about not being here anymore and engaging in self harm through my meltdowns so i guess you could say i was a little stressed last year but i pretty much had to try to put it all on pause and just...get to work in so many senses and i know i let a lot of things fall through the cracks. too many probably. but i cannot emphasize enough just how much i was breaking down and how hard it was for me to hold my shit together during that time.

i didn't want anyone to know it had gotten that bad, i felt like a monster and every day it's like i did something else horrendously wrong or said the wrong thing and sometimes i really did and sometimes it was just my warped perception of things and i started to lose the ability to tell the difference and it all just congealed into one big ball of stress

i spent a lot of therapy sessions honestly just bawling my eyes out because of it after which i usually felt better for a little while, but it would slowly build up again and again because i still hadn't figured out what works and what doesn't as far as self-care goes and what even are my needs and god this is all so fucking overwhelming and the spots on my dad's lungs just keep getting worse and he keeps getting weaker and my mom's falling apart and i'm falling apart and everything's falling apart, but not me!! never me, not yet!!

so i just kept going. and still am.

yes, i've had a few breaks and those have helped tremendously. i'm taking another one next month (bet you can't guess which week) and i'm just going to stay here, maybe do some cleaning on my closet and hopefully catch up on sleep

this, so far, is what seems to work

when i feel myself approaching my limit, i shut off essentially. i go into autopilot

i do what i need to get done, get it all done and then crash and recover as much as possible until i reach the next big rest (which is usually just a week at a time but i'll take it !!!) and along the way i just try to pick up different modalities of self-care and prioritizing my health and wellbeing as i go

like today, i managed to sleep in until 11 am. beautiful !! stunning !!

first time i've felt like a human being in ???

i took advantage of this renewed energy to put my efforts into putting together something special for my niece's kids.

unfortunately, their dad's father passed away earlier this week. sudden heart attack, apparently.

the younger one doesn't really have as much attachment to him, i don't think, but the older one is really torn up about this from what her mom has told us

he used to babysit for them a lot so he was a big part of her life. they were actually supposed to get ice cream that day because he promised it to her if she did well on one of her tests and she did but that obviously didn't end up happening

that's two of her grandfathers now she's lost in about 6 months and my heart is just broken for her

her mom said already that sometimes she just bursts into tears out of nowhere and when she asks her, "honey, what's wrong?" she says she misses my dad (which hey.......big same. the sudden crying about it and everything).

his funeral will be on monday which my mom won't be able to go to but said she wanted to still go up there tomorrow just to be with the kids if nothing else to give them some extra comfort

i'm staying behind so i can watch the critters (and because i don't think right now i'm up for all of that honestly) but i did want to send them my love so i took about an hour today to shop for some presents for them

i got them both these really neat stuffed animals (a dinosaur for the younger one because they're her favorite; it roars and lights up and everything) and a bunny that also makes a cute noise and lights up and they're both nice and cuddly since her mom also said right now all the older one wants to do is curl up with her blanket and watch her favorite shows

i also got the younger one some bluey dolls since that's her favorite right now and a little bracelet that looks like one i know she has and loves except this one has a little purple butterfly on it !!

i got her sister a really nice princess crown and this cool lip balm thing with a container that has some of her favorite characters on it so i hope she likes that and i got her a bracelet that's similar to her sister's but it says "don't give up" on it

mom's going to take them the gifts tomorrow so i hope they like them and most of all, i hope they help. i walked up and down the kid's toy aisles so much i think i was making people nervous with me being a single adult just going up and down the aisles constantly but i was really trying to put a lot of thought into what would cheer them up and give them comfort right now

after that i made a few more stops to get me a few little treats even though i probably don't need them, but they made me happy so...there!

i came home, relaxed for a little bit, took the dog for a walk/potty break, fed him his dinner, washed some dishes, took out all the trash, took a shower and i finally ate dinner around 10 pm

so yeah. been....pretty busy lately.

i think part of what's contributing to this particular burnout is that i just feel like i haven't stopped in....ages now. i just keep going and going and going and going

but !!! if nothing else this tells me i really need to step up my skills for dealing with, well, me.

although i reserve the right as a scorpio to close the door to myself for a while and emerge dramatically when i feel rejuvenated, there are...better ways of approaching things, i think, so we're going to work on that

namely i'm going to work on getting more sleep. i think that's one of the biggest contributing factors because i'm just exhausted all of the goddamn time and being exhausted leads me to being on edge all day long (even when i start out the day in an awesome mood sometimes, over time and as i sit there working it's like the life just drains out of me)

so we're going to work on that and we're also going to work on our diet. although processed foods have kept me steady for all these years due to their dependability and extreme convenience, i'm at an age where i really need to be eating a lot more vegetables and actually start cooking most of my meals

going to work on that and eventually the plan is to also start growing some of my own food because another thing too is like.....every goddamn product in the store anymore is owned by some bullshit genocide supporting monopoly entity so like......the less i can contribute to that the better, i figure

i also really hope to get to my closet soon because i know i keep talking about it and it and it's been forever but i just haven't had the capacity for it so it got put on hold but fingers crossed on my break i can at least start to chip away at it

which....speaking of stuff around the house, that's been another thing

it's becoming clear to my mom and i that this house, beautifully made by my father as it is, really needs some love put into it

the entire thing honestly needs a good deep clean, but in addition to that i'm pretty sure there's mold upstairs. i don't know about downstairs, but i'm 99.9% sure it's up here and i think part of it probably has to do with the fact that the doors i have that go outside don't.....close completely ?? heh

i may have accidentally fallen into them at one point and knocked them out of frame and no matter what i've done to try to fix it (mostly slamming against it from the other side like i'm a fucking football player) so i've done what i can to mitigate the slight crack that's at the top of the door but i'm pretty sure moisture has been getting in anyway so that's fun !!

those doors obviously need to be replaced and there's also a skylight in my bathroom that i think has gotten some water damage around it so that might be contributing as well, but that needs to be fixed, too

there's also some ceiling work that my dad had started on in their bedroom but didn't get to finish before he got sick so that needs to be finished and of course the water heater could still go at any time

the plumber was able to get it back to somewhat full capacity, but even still i've noticed the hot water runs out a lot faster than it used too, so that'll be something else

we also hadn't really realized until all of this with my dad just how inaccessible our house is to get into if you struggle to walk or need a wheelchair

we did what we could with my dad's chair and he'd hold on to one of us to get into the house while holding his cane with the other hand, but like that one night he was so weak after he fell earlier in the day and then all day at the emergency getting checked out, he nearly fell and busted his open and instead ended up collapsing in the hallway just inside the garage entrance and we had to call ems to help come get him up out of the floor so.....we really need to at the very least have hand rails installed at some entrance point of this house that'll make it easier (the backdoor technically has them but it would be a trek for someone with mobility issues of any kind to get back there to them)

the carpets all either need a really good deep clean or to be taken up and replaced with either more carpet or something else

and i'm sure there's more i'm not thinking of right now, but suffice to say, it's....a lot. and no, it doesn't all have to be done right now, right now but the sooner the better for some of them for sure

fortunately my dad left us some money that initially he said we could use for a trip but i think we're going to instead use to do a lot of this stuff around the house that needs to be done

in the meantime, i'm going to try to clean as i go as much as possible. getting all that stuff out from around the water heater really just makes me want to rent a dumpster so we can just throw a bunch of this shit away because honestly a lot of it is just junk at this point that's not even worth donating or giving to someone

some of it yes and definitely any clothes we find that are still good quality, but a lot of this shit i would love nothing more than to just chuck into a dumpster and feel like i can breathe a little easier because it's nowhere near hoarder level i don't think, but for my taste it's starting to feel a little claustrophobic

in the mean time, i'm also going to try to start reading more because i really did used to enjoy it and i think my brain's starting to finally get to a point where it's like, "hey, i can handle new information !! let's start learning again !! let's start reading a whole bunch !!" so i'm excited to start that

i'm still journaling and working my puzzles and spending time outside connecting with nature so these are all also things that i think help me out a lot that i intend to keep up

i also want to start teaching myself how to play my dad's guitar soon because i've always wanted to do that and i think it would bring me a lot of joy if i could manage to learn

i'm also just, as weird as it sounds, letting myself be more autistic, i guess ??

i hadn't realized until recently just how much i've suppressed a lot of stimming and self-soothing behaviors and how much better i feel when i just.....let myself do them

i've struggled with being perceived even when i know i'm completely alone for some time now, i remember even talking about it with my last therapist like a decade ago so this has been a thing

i used to even cover the vents when i went to the bathroom and would shower in the dark because i couldn't pinpoint why i felt like i was always being watched but just in case aliens or the government or whoever were secretly spying on me i was going to avoid them !!

anyway, hey, younger me, turns out you're just really neurodivergent, babe! like i'm starting to think you're more than just autistic, you might also have a decent helping of adhd, dunno, it's kind of slowly starting to emerge which is weird but i'll give you a for instance......i forgot to sign up for my insurance this year!!

i kept getting the alert on my paycom thing whenever i log in every day and i even checked it a few times and was like, "oh yeah, i need to do that," but just kept forgetting the second i would look away from it and anyway, the other day i get an email that's like, "hey, so you've been automatically enrolled in your issuance this year since you didn't wanna do it yourself :P" basically so i do have it, but what's my plan like ?? is it a good one ?? i dunno just yet but i guess we'll see. they're all pretty much the same at this point but i think i did notice it's a different provider so...woohoo, i'm slowly but surely collecting all the insurance types like they're fucking pokemon

anyway, shit like that's been happening more and more lately, but i'm trying to get a handle on that, too because i'm already in a big enough hole as is and quite literally cannot afford to dig myself any deeper so we're gonna do what we need to in order to be well and be somewhat healthy and get this brain sorted out and hopefully, eventually, i'll get to reach a point where i can put down a few of the balls i've been juggling and just kinda....take it easy for a bit

again, and i know i always say this, but i fear i always sound out of touch with reality when i talk about my life like this and so i want to make it clear i do acknowledge all of this could be much, much worse

my life is by far nowhere near as bad as it could be and in a lot of ways i have many things working in my favor and that are of great help to me, so i'm extremely grateful for that. i haven't always been, admittedly, but i've also had a lot of complicated feelings to unpack especially in the past year that made it difficult, but i've come out the other side of that now and i really do just want to mature and focus on growing and part of that is my gratitude for the things in my life that are going right and are immensely beneficial to my wellbeing

that being said, my life nevertheless still hast its challenges and although i blab a lot on here (probably more than i should) i do still tend to keep the majority or perhaps the intensity of how i really feel all to myself

i know there are definitely times that even i can admit that it's like, "uh, hey, the thing you're having a meltdown over really isn't worth being that upset about, it'll be okay........" because sure enough everything was/is totally fine and it's not a big deal, but it's hard to describe how in the moment it feels so much bigger and far more dire so what seems like a lot of dramatics and going through the motions on everyone else's end may all be for naught but like...it's still a tangible hell i end up going through that takes its toll on me, i'm just....used to it, lol

i've literally been getting overloaded since i was born and in some ways it feels like it's never stopped since then, the only problem was i didn't have an answer as to why until very recently so it's not like i wasn't doing anything about my mental health because i just wasn't prioritizing it, i didn't even know where to begin and my first attempt at getting help didn't even land close to what the real issue was so it put me off for a long time (to be fair, the therapy was also heavily focused on like.....my sister having just died, so that's at least part of why, i'm sure)

this really feels like the first time in either a very, very, very long time or possibly even ever that i've been able to just actually stop a little and catch my breath. feel like myself, my actual self. not the mask i've been poorly trying to keep together for forever now

a mask that part of me is hesitant still as i continue to take it off because what i'm realizing about myself is that a lot of who i am/who i've been was tied up in that so like.....naturally i'm starting to see a lot of shifts in the relationships around me and just how i think about myself as well and how i approach things

and it's hard because it's like.....am i being fair ?? am i taking everyone around me's feelings into consideration ?? because i'm so used to having to do that and tiptoe around and always feel like i'm walking on eggshells except my clumsy ass was just tromping through them anyway, always putting my foot in my mouth and saying the exact wrong thing that at the worst possible time and just hating myself more and more but not knowing how to fix it so i'd just princess caroline my relationships and focus on everyone else instead which makes people like you for that, but not so much the rest so there's this constant worry of, "is that all i'm good for? will i be replaced as soon as i stop being useful?" and not for nothing but like....it's happened before, so!!!

so....yeah. i've been unpacking a lot of things lately and just trying to sit with them and think about all of this and about who i want to be now and how to get there

the process is already happening and has been for about a year now, but it's a slow one unfortunately (and really all of this has been woefully too late, but that's what happens when you snooze, anna. you lose !!!) but like that asshole walter white once said, i am......awake, now. except instead of becoming an ego-maniacal abusive drug lord who destroys his family and everything he touches, i'm going to do...whatever the opposite of that is. in every sense

i hope i can grow into a person who is ultimately kind and loving and patient and stable and lovable and healed who has interesting hobbies like making music and maybe recreating some of the pictures she takes of the sky in the form of paintings if she gets good enough

as overwhelming as everything has felt lately i can also feel new possibilities unfurling in me and i can see so many roads and avenues i could go down in terms of growth and development and for the first time i'm staring to feel like i'm brave enough to do it or at least give it a shot

so that's what i hope for. that's what i'm working towards.

thee are going to be parts of me i know people aren't going to like, in particular my tendency to want to spend the majority of my time alone and with my own thoughts, at least for right now, but that's just something i feel as though i need to do and quite honestly, as though i've earned

in some regards, i've spent a good portion, if not almost all of my life in some form or fashion taking care of the people that i love. often in an emotional sense, but i like to think i've also stepped up to the plate in a lot of other ways even if i didn't do every single thing perfectly, i still at least tried

i think i've finally earned some time to focus on me and just me for a little bit.

not to say i won't help anyone with anything (i quite literally spend a good chunk of my time helping my mom now), but i can tell with everything in my being that i really, really need to just turn inwards for a little bit, focus on me, heal some more, mature some more and i think when i emerge from this cocoon i'm going to be....a decent looking butterfly!! (actually, i also hope i get hot. not like "oh, i buy these clothes or makeup or whatever" but just like...y'know, hot. when you invest in yourself hot, you know what i mean? idk it's getting late and i'm quite tired)

but yeah. think that's about it for now.

sorry this was so long, i've just clearly had a lot going on and have a lot on my mind and i like to just check in every so often to document where i'm at in this journey

wish it was a better update, but they can't all be good or we wouldn't be working towards anything, now would we?

i guess that's all for now.

a coupe of last things:

i saw a big yellow butterfly the other day when i was taking the dog out. i sort of associate yellow with my dad now because he loved yellow flowers, especially sunflowers, so whenever i see anything yellow, really, i think of him and of course butterflies are supposedly visitors so i think that might have been him saying hi, which i really needed

also, the cashier supervising the self check i was at today said, "you can use whichever one you want, darlin'," to me which made me smile a lot although they couldn't tell because i had a mask on but i said thank you and tried to smize as best as i could before scooting off to scan my items and get one step close to going back home

oh, and i started to cry a little earlier because on my way home i had to pass by the funeral home and in particular where i was sat at a red light i actually had a perfect view of the crematorium and right as i was looking at it i hear bert mccracken (who btw has apparently been pro-Palestinian for like a decade now so good on him; i knew i chose right in the divorce when everyone else went to gerard's !!) coming from my speakers going, "fill your lungs with smoke for the last tiiiiiime!!" and i started to laugh because like.....c'mon, that's kinda funny, but then i started to cry because i remember that day and then i just missed him but i also had to drive so we just shut that shit down and headed home and i still haven't cried yet so will probably do that tomorrow and some journaling. i think a big cry would help a lot so we'll see !!

as always, i hope if you're reading this you have a good weekend and can also get some rest from chaotic life and stress and all the other bullshit

i hope something good happens for you soon and that you also heal and can try to find some peace and comfort

i absolutely must go to sleep now so g'night !!! <3

[invisibleraven]

“You’re unbelievable cute when you’re tired.” for Rose/Ray?

Ray Molina was many things; a pretty damn good photographer, a decent chef, even if it was limited to a scant few dishes, and pretty handy with a hammer.

One thing he was not was a morning person.

Given his job being freelance, he could literally work whenever, and lucky for him, magic hour was later in the day, allowing him to sleep in as often as he wanted. Long luxurious mornings burrowed under his duvet, letting himself sleep until the sun was high in the sky.

That all changed when he met Rose Alvarez though.

Rose was the lead singer of a band; Rise and the Petal Pushers. They played the Hollywood Strip, and Ray met her when he was hired to take shots at a show where they were opening. She opened her mouth to sing and Ray as good as handed over his heart.

He bought her a drink after the show, and then they went out for pizza, talking the whole night through, only parting as dawn approached, with Rose's number scrawled on his arm and her lipstick smudged around his mouth.

They kept dating for some time, grabbing a meal or a movie when they could. Going on hikes and picnics on a rare weekend off. But mostly they went to shows. Rose's band was gaining popularity, and Ray made decent bank taking shots of bands and clubs, so their dates meant they were working, but they could also always find one another in the crowd, share a smile, blow a kiss, and then spend the rest of the night together.

Soon enough they were spending every night together, as Ray invited Rose to share his tiny studio apartment when her lease was up. She happily agreed, and that's when Ray learned a lot of new things about his girlfriend.

Namely, that she was chipper and raring to go first thing in the morning. Rose would hop out of bed before 8 most days, humming as she puttered around, making coffee and breakfast, reading the newspaper and doing the crossword in pen while Ray stayed in bed snoring away.

Only she started kissing him awake, and as much as he played the grump the first time, he was never going to turn down kisses. "Mmm, still sleepy," he grumbled as his head fell back to the pillow.

Rose giggled. “You’re unbelievable cute when you’re tired.”

"I'm always cute, thank you very much," Ray said and pulled her pillow over his head. "Also sleepy, back to sleep."

"But it's a gorgeous day!" Rose exclaimed. "Why waste it in bed?"

"I like sleep," came Ray's muffled reply. "Bed is comfy, why don't you come back here and snuggle me?"

"Hmm, that is an appealing offer," Rose hummed. "But I've got things to do, so I'm going to shower., Use up all your hot water."

Ray groaned at that, glaring at her from where she had lifted the pillow, her impish smile greeting him. "You're mean."

"You could always join me, save water, make sure you get a hot shower for once," she sing-songed.

"Will you make me breakfast after?"

"Waffle mix is already done," Rose assured him.

"Can we eat it in bed?" Ray asked with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Rose snorted. "Only if you're on laundry duty, I don't relish washing syrup from my sheets."

"Alright," Ray said, sitting up and stretching, scratching at his firm stomach and wiping a hand over his face. "I'm up."

Rose leaned in and squished his cheeks. "So cute!" She walked off towards the bathroom. "Come on, shower, breakfast, bit of fun, and then maybe you can even convince me to have a nap with you."

Ray laughed and chased after her, her giggles ringing out through the small space, and her kisses even sweeter than the waffles they shared. Sure the sheets were a bitch to clean after, but Ray considered the fun they had getting them dirty and the lovely nap they shared after more than worth it.

[thornbushrose]

Um.. so, I'm writing a Daredevil fanfiction and I need some help. A beta reader would be great. It's a Matt/OC slow burn romance rewrite of Season 3. Lots of whump, lots of banter (I could write banter for days with these two) and some action scenes later on.

Teaser - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Birdie Garrett is a social worker at St. Agnes' Home for Boys. Compassion is her job, even when it turns out that the mysterious guest in the infirmary isn't what he seems.

Fortunately, Birdie isn't what she seems to be, either.

Excerpt - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Are you ready for lunch, Mr. Murdock?” Birdie called out as she entered Patient X’s room. She went to the table by his bed and set down the tray.

The man in the bed had probably been handsome when he was well, but weeks in bed had made him pale and hollow-looking, like a plant in a closet. Whatever had happened to him, his chest was crossed by scars, bandages and stitched wounds. His eyes were half open and corpselike. He didn’t move a muscle to greet her.

Birdie said, “Mr. Murdock? Are you awake? I can’t tell.”

“I sleep with my eyes closed,” he said, faintly. “Just like sighted people.”

“Well, for your information,” Birdie said, in the same tone she used with curious children, “Some sighted people sleep with their eyes partially open.” She crossed the room and opened the cupboard there. “I’m Birdie Garrett. I’m a social worker with the orphanage.”

“Birdie? Like, tweet tweet?”

“Yep.” She opened the cabinet on the wall by his bed.

“Your parents hate you?”

“Yep, that’s why they named me Roberta.” Birdie checked the shelves on the far wall. “I’ve been Birdie since I was six.”

He waited while she looked through the laundry basket next to the cabinet. “You’re not a nun.”

“And you’re not a little boy, so I guess we both got a surprise today.”

Murdock stirred, shifting to face her slightly. “The chocolate’s a bit much.”

Birdie bent down to look under his bed and frowned. “What chocolate? Oh wait.” She sniffed her hands. “Yeah, this new lotion I bought wants everyone to know it has cocoa butter.”

His voice was weak but deep, gravelly. “Why are you under my bed?”

“I’m looking for your backrest pillow. You don’t know where they keep it, do you?”

He waved vaguely at his face. “Haven’t seen it.”

“Har har,” Birdie said. “I’ll be right back.” She went out of the room and searched the linen closet, but of course those backrest pillows were only to be found when you didn’t want one. Eventually, she found one in another room and came back to her patient. “Got it.”

She set the pillow on the bed near his feet and pulled his sheet back. “I’m going to lift you and scoot you up the bed so you can sit. Tell me if I’m hurting you.”

She hooked her hands under his arms, set her legs, and pulled him up into an awkward hug. He was heavier than he looked; he must have had some muscle still in there. She prepared herself to haul him toward the head of the bed, but he did it himself with his arms. He had his lips pressed together, his face tightened against the pain, but a small moan came through anyway. Then they were done, and Birdie put the backrest pillow behind him and helped him settle back.

He obviously was used to keeping himself fit, she thought, and to have such reduced mobility must be hard for him. In addition to being unable to see, he’d injured his spine and broken a hip. It was probably too early to know if he was going to get his legs back. So she turned away from him to allow him to catch his breath while she fussed over his blankets.

Slowly, she became aware that something was bothering her. It was like a beam of hot sunlight on bare skin, like a hair tickling her back under her clothes. Like voices engaged in a fierce conversation, just barely heard through a wall. She swiped at her ear, her shoulder, her elbow, but there was nothing there. She turned back to Murdock, who was facing away from her, catching his breath, and she felt the heat on her face. It was him. More properly, it was his heart.

Birdie could sense hearts. She called it reading them, but it was much more than that. If she focused, she could perceive what was inside someone. It was what made her so good at matching orphans to would-be parents. Hearts opened to her in a panorama of temperature, sight and sound. It was hard to interpret and sometimes traumatic. She had learned to block it out when she was a teenager, but some people projected. There was no way to ignore this man’s heart, so Birdie took a deep breath and opened up to it.

Matthew Murdock didn’t have a heart so much as a huge pile of rubble, pulsing faintly and screaming in pain.

He was in so much pain.

Not bodily pain. There was plenty of that, but it was muted by medications. Somehow, though, what had happened to him was a lot worse than a spinal injury and a broken hip. He’d lost something – or someone – he loved, and worse. Something that had been the cornerstone of his entire identity. The writhing pile of broken cement and glass that had been his heart was crisscrossed with confusion, fuzzy and green like mold that burned rage-red around the edges. He didn’t understand what had happened to him, and he was furious about it.

He could be a ticking time bomb, she realized. Or he could overcome this and be stronger than before. It would depend on a lot of things.

“You okay?” he said.

Birdie returned to reality with a jolt. Murdock’s sightless features appeared to be focused on her. She was glad he couldn’t see the expression she quickly blinked off her face. “No, I’m… I’m fine. Just distracted by something.”

Her heart pounding, she uncovered his tray and set it in his lap. What would happen if the fury she sensed in him exploded? Would he turn violent? Would he harm himself? Was she safe, being alone with him?

He turned his face toward the tray. “Chicken noodle. Smells like my childhood.”

“Mine, too,” Birdie said. She placed his hands on the cup of soup and the spoon. It was hard to imagine him becoming violent. This poor, pale, neglected houseplant. “You grew up here, didn’t you? In the orphanage?”

“Yeah.” Very gingerly, he took a tiny amount of soup in the spoon and brought it to his lips.

“Were you adopted eventually?”

“No. There was one guy.” His voice turned hollow. “But it didn’t work. I aged out.”

Birdie nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see her. “That must have been tough.”

He didn’t answer, savoring his soup. Or maybe brooding over it. If he were anyone else, she would have been able to sense the difference. But not him. The screaming was too loud.

“Do you mind if I ask how you were injured?” Birdie asked.

“Yes. I mind.” Murdock set the soup down in his lap and groped on the tray. Birdie put the cup of water into his hand. He took a sip and changed the subject. “You said you work for the orphanage?”

“I’m a social worker. I represent the kids, make sure their needs are being met, facilitate adoptions, etc.”

“Does that work?”

“I’m the best baby-seller this side of the Hudson. Legally, anyway.”

Murdock set his cup down. He was starting to sound tired. “I meant, adoption. People just take home a random kid and they’re a family?”

Birdie pursed her lips. “Well, it takes work. All families take work.” She watched him eat pensively. “It worked for me, anyway.”

Murdock paused, mid-slurp. “You’re adopted?”

“My birth mother abandoned me as an infant. I joined my real family when I was two.”

“Does that make you mad?”

She sighed and brushed his arm with a napkin. “It used to. I mean, I had my angsty teenage years like everyone else.” She shrugged. “The people I work with now—sometimes they’re in ugly situations too. Maybe leaving me in a safebox at the fire department was the best she could do.”

Murdock took the napkin and wiped his chin. “That’s very magnanimous of you.” All of his movements were slow, shaky.

“Yeah, well. Two summers at anger management camp is all it took.”

A corner of his mouth twitched. “Teenage angst?”

“I never do anything halfway.”

He snorted and turned back to his soup. Birdie decided to let him eat in peace.

She hadn’t actually spent two summers at anger management camp, but it was easier than explaining the truth. The swanky upstate private school had taught her how to control her empathy as well as her anger. They’d have taught her a lot more stuff too, if she’d agreed to their terms. She didn’t mind letting them study her, to a certain point. But she didn’t want to play their little war games.

A few minutes later, the cup was empty, and Birdie got up to clear away the trash. “Do you need help to lie down again?”

“I’d like to stay up,” he said. “Unless you need to return this pillow.”

“Pillow?” Birdie said, with a deliberately confused expression. “What pillow, Sister? Did you look in the linen closet?”

Something that had probably been a smile in a previous life brushed by his lips without reaching his eyes. “Thanks for that. No one else propped me up before.”

Birdie stopped in the act of lifting the tray. “What? How have you been eating?”

“On my back. They fed me with a spoon.”

Birdie frowned. “They can’t do that. I’ll talk to someone.” She carried the tray to the door. “I have to say, though, this was a very poor showing, Mr. Murdock. I was told you’d hurt my feelings.”

“Matt. And I tried my best,” he said. “You aren’t scared of me.”

“I’m not a nun. I am not intimidated by half-naked men.”

“Didn’t they tell you I’m the Devil?”

Birdie paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. “If the Devil himself had been through what you have, Matthew Murdock, he’d be a gibbering heap on the floor.” Murdock turned his face away from her, blinking hard. Birdie carried the tray out and closed the door behind her.

==============================

If you like it, please comment or message me. I really need some writing buddies.

[now-we-say-c0ral]

April 30, 2023

Woke up around 8:30am and still feeling unrestful because I kind of slept shallowly last night despite drinking a tablet of melatonin. I guess I have to up my dose tonight. I really plan to sleep comfortably before I start the new week.

Had a steamy morning cuddle and had regular cuddles after that. Won Wordle today and I got it in less than 2 minutes. Ed went down to put the bed sheets in the laundry because they're do for a wash. We went to Morrisons to get some groceries. I used Nico's bike since I didn't have one. I plan to buy one to be honest. It seems like a good option to use when getting to my new gym in Canning Town. What's stopping me is the risk of it getting stolen because bike thieves are apparently a thing here in Ed's area. We went to this asian shop because Morrisons were still closed when we got there and bought some pork buns which served as our breakfast. We got ourselves some goods once the grocery store opened and went back. Ed made some pork casserole which honestly tasted fine but he was aiming an afritada kind of taste but since it didn't taste like it, it's now considered a pork casserole.

I took a bath after lunch and watched some VGC videos of Aaron Zheng while Ed slept in the background. When he woke up I gave him the idea of how to rearrange the room and so we did and the room looked even better and it's not just me thinking that.

The breeze was gently making me feel this familiar feeling of summer in the Philippines and it really feels good on your skin, the kind where you just want to fall asleep because it's just so comfortable. I couldn't because if I did I'll have a hard time sleeping later.

Ed cuddled me while he played Mobile Legends with his friends on Discord. It was kind of cute when he gives me forehead kisses in between games. Another steamy cuddle session happened afterwards.

Ed asked if I wanted to come later with Merch and Cyneil to party. I didn't want to come because 1. I'm trying to be better with my finances and spending them on drinks defeats the purpose of it all EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO DRINK TOO and 2. I don't really mind if Ed goes anymore and I think that I wouldn't overthink later. He's given me a day yesterday and I'm good with that already. I don't need to feel like I'm having hawk eyes whenever he's away which embarrassingly enough is what I felt before. Everything's more stable now. Not totally but it's getting there.

Watched the 4th episode of Demon Slayer with Eddie after he's cooked his carbonara. Had some Filipino Ube-langka ice cream which wasn't that good and it just had langka bits to it that are very minute. Ed went to the club around 9pm and I slept with the aid of 3 melatonin tablets because I want to have a very restful sleep.

[frogsandfries]

Phew!

After absolutely running my ass off doing about twenty things so my sister can get to sleep for work, I finally have a few minutes. Just a few.

We have one of two new kittens. The other one isn't actually ready to go home until next week. My sister determinedly bought some things from the night market. So I had to put away as many comestibles as I could fit in the fridge, and the rest went on the porch for now, since it's really quite chilly out there.

I had to sweep the rabbit chaos (dirt AND poop) up in my sister's room. My bedroom door was open when we got in, so the Maines have just had access to my room....... y'know, where I keep my beadwork....... I haven't had time to be in my room. I had to get all the clothes off my sister's bed so I could get the sheet changed after the rabbit/s decided it was their bed. The rabbits were absolutely out of food and water. I need to wash the new clothes I got for leaving the house for work and interviews. I desperately need a shower; I thought we were supposed to be back here early today.

I really, really need to sort this door out, otherwise, I'm just going to have to jam it shut again until it can be handled. I have like five million things to do starting tomorrow.

Even if I get this job, it's fucking part time, so these other various gigs I'm putting together better fucking add up.

I still haven't checked the guinea pigs or taken a shower or started the laundry for tomorrow and time is ticking down for me for the evening. I also need to eat more than an ensure and a yogurt. And depilate my arms. Well......... let's go..............=___=

[meditating-dog-lover]

New eczema trigger identified - dryer sheets

I was washing my clothes and bed sheets, folding towels and putting away my clothes. I use Tide laundry detergent and Bounce dryer sheets which are terrible for your skin (I bought the Bounce dryer sheets last Sunday).

I woke up this morning with clearish and calm skin. Then I walked my dog, and it was warm outside. Then I started to wash, fold and put away my clothes, bedsheets, and towels. Then my hands turned red and started to itch. My sister said it's the fragrance in the dryer sheets and helped me find more skin friendly alternatives on Amazon.

This is a case of contact dermatitis rather than a food sensitivity related inflammatory response, even though I know tomatoes cause my skin to flare when I consume them. That's why both patch allergy and food sensitivity testing would be essential for me. I'm also wondering if my laundry detergent is irritating my skin. Soaps (both dish and hand soaps) tend to slightly irritate my skin. Except some soap brands.

I saw this video on Amazon about treating eczema by getting to the root causes:

The doctor talks about various root causes like nutritional deficiencies (I've addressed mine and take vitamin D and omega 3 fatty acids regularly), IgE mediated allergies (both food and environmental which I'm currently working on), and gut disorders that manifest as skin inflammation (microbiome imbalances and leaky gut, I'm not quite there yet and I doubt this is the cause of my eczema because I don't have any obvious gut discomfort).

Just as a note: I'm not an allergy expert, but I think when she is referring to food sensitivities, she means IgG mediation rather than IgE (IgE mediation is triggered by skin irritants like soaps, detergents, fragrances, chemicals, etc... that cause contact dermatitis). Food allergies are also IgE mediated and result in hives, swelling, and anaphylaxis, whereas food sensitivities, which are IgG mediated, cause inflammatory conditions like eczema. But I'm not 100% certain of this. I always saw eczema is IgG mediated rather than IgE (unless it's contact dermatitis).

Also another cause not mentioned in the video is detoxing issues. Either you are constantly exposed to irritants or your detoxing organs (lungs, kidneys, gut, and liver) are not functioning effectively.

Anyways I'm still waiting to do the food sensitivity and allergy patch tests. That should take care of my eczema thankfully. I love proving doctors wrong by addressing my health issues from a root cause perspective, because it always works.

[wack-ashimself]

So I'm going to tell you a boring Bland story that made my mom happy and that's literally the only reason I'm repeating it.

I worked at Big Lots and because I did I bought a lot of their name brand shit. Which was garbage. Never shop there. I regret even buying the stuff on discount.

Anyways one of the important things I bought was bed set. Fitted sheet, comforter, pillow cases, etc. Had to return part of it within the first week because the pillow case was torn to shit. Fast forward 2 years, the fitted sheet is broken. The elastic is not stretching. I have to literally put it back on my bed every single day. It's driving me crazy.

I go and do my laundry, including the bed sheet set, and then I remember something years ago my grandma gave me. When I was visiting her, just a few years before she died, she asked how everything was doing. And I told her about my new bed and bed sheets and all that stuff. And she goes "you got back up, right?" I was like what are you talking about. She goes "Kenny, you're supposed to have a new bed room sheet set for guests that visit." And she goes and gets a full mattress set. I'm pretty sure her implication was if I'm getting laid I better have some clean bed sheets. LOL so I took them. Forgot about them. Never used them. And then I remembered them when I was doing laundry so I started to use them. And even though they're old, smell old, and are definitely not my style, they are 100% the most durable bedroom sheet set I've ever had. I'm sure these are going to last 5 years without a doubt.

Anyways I tell all this to my mom, and she equal parts gets happy, inspired, and teary-eyed. She was so happy that her mom was still helpful years later and thoughtful at the time. I haven't heard my mom get that happy over such a boring story in my entire life. And that was not even my intention. It was more hey I got a good bedroom set story. But it turned into hey guess what your mom's amazing and still doing great things after her death.

I bring this up for only two reasons. Never think that a boring story can't make somebody happy. And also always bring up good stories of those who have passed. It will bring up better feelings than worse.

Namaste

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: October 11th, 2023 🎀

So I was wat more productive then I had thought i would be given the exhaustion I felt from jet lag. I am proud of what I got done! However, I only slept about 2 hours, and it was broken sleep at that so I am not exactly feeling top of my game at the moment. We'll see what my energy allows me to complete today.

🩷 What I Ate, Oct 11th -

Brunch/Lunch - Spaghetti with meat sauce and ground turkey, topped with grated parmesean

Dinner - Turkey & Roast Beef bagel sandwich with avocado, 1 slice muenster cheese, 1 slice cheddar cheese, and a small side of potato chips.

Snack - a half bowl of spaghetti with ground turkey and meat sauce

Extra - 4 cups of coffee, each with one sweet n low and a splash of French vanilla creamer

I actually cooked which is odd for me as I typically don't have energy. My goal for today is to cook a batch of ground beef for taco bowls!

🩷 Personal Achivements, Oct 11th -

Washed bed sheets + pillowcases

Did the dishes

Maintained Duolingo streak (1 lesson)

Maintained Busuu streak (3 lessons)

Video called with my boyfriend twice

Made a shopping list for langaueh tracker/bullet journal (purchased at 1am because Amazon prime big deals were ending and I wanted to save some money)

Made a schedule/routine for working out next week

Cooked myself a real meal

Swept kitchen and disinfected/wiped down counters in kitchen

showered + morning skincare

🩷 Academic Achievements, Oct 11th -

Completed and submitted lifecycle nutrition chart

submitted and passed lab 7 anatomy pre lab

submitted discussion post + replies for nutr discussion 3

I feel quite proud of yesterday! Let's hope today I can tackle some more stuff on my todo list!

🩷 Personal ToDo, Oct 12th -

cook ground beef for taco bowls (leftovers!!)

wash dirty laundry

put away all clean laundry

therapy appointment

video call boyfriend

morning + night skincare

morning + night journal (?)

do 2 duolingo lessons

do 2 busuu lessons

complete/continue genki I lesson one

type up draft for upcoming blog post(s?)

🩷 Academic ToDo, Oct 12th -

Chapter 9 Notes Psyc

Quiz Chapter 9 Psyc

Culinary chapter 10 Quiz

Consumer Debt Inventiry assignment

Using Credit personal finance assignment

I've put a lot on my to-do list for today, but if I can even get a third of each list done, I will still be very proud of myself. Productivity should not come at the cost of my own well-being. Maybe I'll take a nap today? My boyfriend thinks it's a good idea, but I'm not a big fan of naps regardless of the situation. We shall see.

I took complete advantage of the prime big deals on Amazon and ordered some new workout clothes, some hair accessories, a set of silk pillowcases, and supplies for my bullet journal language tracker/planner. I even bought this cute little journal that's made specifically for fitness and health tracking, as a little side thing of mine to help keep me going! It comes with stickers and already set up pages, so hopefully, it proves to be useful!

I may or may not have made an Ulta order for some makeup using my afterpay account as well, because as it gets colder outside I'm starting to want to wear makeup for fun again. I'm not typically drawn to full beat looks but in the winter I love going all out with my makeup looks, whether I'm doing a more grunge goth emo look or a soft coquette girly look and everything in between. I love makeup as a form of self expression!

May or may not buy some more skincare as well, I'm just trying to decrease the amount of stuff in my skincare cart on the shopping app but it's so hard choosing what to get now and what to wait on!! I'm super indecisive too so that intensified the struggle.

Thats all for today! I'll make sure to update you lovelies tonight/tomorrow!

til next time, lovelies 🩷

[bts-hyperfixation]

Play time - kinktober day 8

OT7 - o r gy

Smut 18+

Contains member on member and anaI

The boys hadn’t been back in the dorm five seconds before they started looking for you. You’d decided to stay in the dorm while they were away, so you still felt close to them. Yoongi had texted you as soon as they landed with an ETA and the promise of presents. Your heart fluttered at the thought of seeing your boys again, but it didn’t stop your mischievous side from immediately searching for a hiding place. You were never one to make things too easy for them.

You found a small hideaway at the back of Jungkook’s closet and pulled a box in front of the entrance to obscure you further. When you heard the door open you sent the first hint to the group chat.

Y/N: I’m hidden somewhere cosy (emoji) the first one to find me can have me all night.

JK: Anymore hints for finding you?

KTH: or do you just want us to tear the whole place apart… because I will

Y/N: See what you can find and maybe I’ll send more if I get bored

You put your phone down and listen for the boys’ whereabouts. Knowing them, they’ve probably already split up, there are no friends in competition. You hear someone enter Jungkook’s bedroom, so you squish yourself closer to the wall. You can just about make out the maknae’s profile through the small gap you’d left. He places his bag on the bed and glances around the room. For someone with so much talent, he really is terrible at treasure hunts. After he leaves, you send another hint.

Y/N: You guys have a great laundry detergent, smells so fresh

KSJ: Laundry room?

MYG: Maybe? I don’t know where there would be a hiding place in there though.

The search continued, and you sat for another 10 minutes, getting a little bored with the game.

Y/N: (Bunny emoji)

PJM: ARE YOU IN JK’S ROOM???

KNJ: HE TOLD US HE CHECKED THERE

JK: I did…

It’s not long before you hear seven pairs of footsteps heading towards the room. There is a small commotion as each of the tries to enter the room first.

“It’s my room” Jungkook whines as his hyungs push him out of the way.

“You lost your chance when you came in here the first time” Yoongi countered

“Move I should get to go first… I’m the oldest” by the sound of his voice, Jin had puffed himself up ready to take on anyone that disrespected him… of course this led to laughing from the other members. He may be the eldest, but he is by far the least threatening. You can’t help giggling at the conversation. They hear the sound and stop arguing immediately, heads snapping in the direction of the closet. You held your breath hoping they would go back to arguing, you may be getting a little bored, but you really hated to lose. No such luck. The boys made their way into the room, suddenly becoming one cohesive group again. Namjoon is the one to remove the makeshift box door you had pulled in front of your hidey hole.

Being met by his amazing dimples did help soothe the burn of making such a silly mistake and letting yourself be revealed. He offered you his hand and helped you out of the hiding spot before pulling you into the tightest hug he could manage. Soon you were smothered by all the boys, struggling to breath, but also struggling to care as you relaxed into their touch. This world tour had been their longest yet. After a short while they released you and you took in their appearances. Longer hair and tired eyes, but still very much as handsome as when they left.

“So does Namjoon get me? Technically he did find me” you tease walking your fingers up the leader’s chest. The boys around you letting out incredulous groans.

“That’s not fair, we all found you together, he just moved the box!” Jimin whined wrapping his arms around your waist, his way of protesting your advances on his hyung.

“Well then what do you suggest? Want to share?” each of the boys looked at each other in turn and nodded. They often shared you between them, after all they loved each other just as much, but it was very rare for all seven to be with you at the same time. They liked to make sure you were always comfortable. Right now though, all any of you wanted was to feel each other’s skin.

Jimin’s hands move to the hem of your shirt, playing with the fabric and exposing a slither of your stomach to the other boys. Hoseok is on his knees in front of you instantly, licking a line across your newly exposed skin. His fingers hook around your belt loops and he shuffles your jeans down your legs, just as Jimin pulls you shirt over your head. The remaining five watch you closely. Their eyes graze up your body taking in the new lingerie you’d bought for their return. The cute bralette and bikini set did wonders for you. Jimin’s hands find their way to your covered breasts, rubbing your nipples through the sheer fabric making you lean back into his chest and let out a sigh of pleasure. Hoseok, never one to be outdone, takes this opportunity to sharply bite into the flesh of your thigh.

Clearly the sight had been too much for some of the boys. Taehyung and Namjoon were together in a similarly compromising position, Tae’s sweats around his ankles as Joonie rubbed at the younger boy’s member through his boxers. You let yourself focus on the two of them. The sight has you so aroused, you can feel your core dripping already. Hoseok chooses this moment to run a finger along the middle of your panties.

“So wet already?” Hoseok taunts “Did you really miss us that much?” you fidget at the sensation and nod sheepishly, all eyes on you suddenly making you shy. Hoseok chuckles a little then goes back to running his tongue along your thighs, teasing you softly. Every time he got close to your underwear he would pull away and start a similar trail up your other leg.

“Fuck this” Jungkook’s curse is the only warning you get before you are thrown over his shoulder and carried out into the main part of his bedroom. He carefully lays you down on the mattress before climbing on top of you. His lips meet yours in a passionate kiss, months of pent up need and want manifesting in this one action. It doesn’t take long until the two of you are broken apart by a slightly disgruntled Yoongi. the older member reprimands the maknae for taking you away. You giggle as he helps JK strip and decides on his punishment. Of course, the youngest is all too eager to please, he drops to his knees mouth wide and ready to be abused. Yoongi unbuckles his pants and places his dick on Jungkook’s waiting tongue. Without hesitation Jungkook deep throats his hyung. The usually stoic rapper lets out a scandalous wail.

In the meantime, Jin has made his way to you, sitting up on the pillows. He pulls you so you are sat between his legs and signals for you to remove your panties. You oblige and throw the offending article on to the floor. His long fingers trail down your sides and find their way to your clit, he rubs the sensitive nub in lazy circles as the two of you watch Jungkook’s punishment, although from this angle it definitely looks like more of a treat. The sensation made you wriggle, causing pleasure but not enough to help you get anywhere.

“What’s wrong baby?” Jin’s lips graze your ears as he speaks. You whine a little in response hoping he would get the message. “Words babygirl… I need your words” you take a deep breath before you speak

“I need you to move faster” You had never been good at vocalising what you wanted from a lover. A fatal flaw really, it had often left you unsatisfied before you found the band. Instantly his fingers build speed. Figures of 8 drawn in your most sensitive area, the exhilaration almost proving too much for you. If that hadn’t been enough what came next certainly helped. Your eyes were scrunched closed trying to focus on the feeling Jin was giving you, when his expert fingers were joined by an equally talented tongue. You opened one eye and found Taehyung staring back up at you. His deep brown eyes filled with desire as he lapped up the juices that had been flowing freely onto the sheets below you. You’re orgasm hit quickly with the new addition. Both boys continuing until they were sure you had come back down, the stimulation almost proving too much as you whimpered. Taehyung kissed his way up your body. You expected him to finish his trail with your lips but instead he aims around you to access Jin. You’re left sandwiched between the two men as they shared the taste of you in a deep kiss.

You glance passed them to watch the show Jungkook and Yoongi were still giving. The sight calls to you and you crawl out from under Taehyung. Positioning yourself behind the elder, you take the opportunity to part his cheeks and run your tongue along his entrance. The action shocks him, forcing him to lose the control he had. Hot cum shoots down JK's unsuspecting throat. The black haired boy chokes at the unexpected sensation but does his best to swallow what he is given. Yoongi pets his head, praising him, before turning to glare at you. A sheepish grin spreads across your face as you shrug innocently at him.

Unfortunately, the domineering rapper doesn’t fall for your feigned innocence. Instead, pulling you up from your knees and grabbing your hair at the nape of your neck.

“That wasn’t nice y/n, poor Kookie could’ve gotten hurt.” His face is millimetres from yours. You can feel his lips graze against yours as he speaks

“I'm sorry” your eyes are on the ground, an effort to suppress the shit-eating grin fighting it’s way on to your face. The pale boy uses his leverage to force you back on to the bed. You find yourself lying with your head on Namjoon’s toned thigh, your mouth now in the perfect place to lick at his hardened member. You stick out your tongue and try to lick at the tantalising treat that had been placed in front of you. Just before you can wrap your mouth around it, Joon pulls it from your reach.

“I believe you’re in trouble baby... Naughty girls dont get what they want” Joon’s eyes are filled with mischievous malice. You were too busy having a staring contest with the leader to notice the punishment Yoongi was preparing for you. That is until the chilly sensation of lube makes an appearance in between your butt cheeks. Suga laughs as you jump in surprise, coating his finger in the liquid before pressing his way into your back entrance. You squeak at the intrusion and the tag-teaming rapline just laugh. Namjoon takes this opportunity to let his dick fall back within your reach and You lap at it hungrily. Just when you get used to the stretch of one finger Yoongi adds one more, prepping you, he repeats this process until he decides you've had enough foreplay. He summons Jungkook to take his places, first rubbing a generous amount of lube on his lovers cock. Jungkook lines himself up and pushes deep inside your ass. You groan around Namjoon’s dick making him quiver at the added pleasure.

Jk waits until he feels you relax to start moving, placing your legs over his shoulders to gain better access. Neither boy was able to last very long due to the pent up energy they had left over from tour. Namjoon came first, coming all over your face. There’s nothing that boy likes more than to see you wearing him. Jungkook sees his hyung's seed dripping from your chin as he opened his previously squeezed eyes. It is enough to send him over his edge. He pulls out of you and aims his cum to mix in the same place. The maknae would take any excuse he could to see you covered in multiple members cum.

Jimin took this opportunity to crawl on the bed next to you, running his tongue through the puddle on the side of your face. He hungrily lapped the remains of the cum from your face before kissing you deeply dragging you away from Namjoon in the process. The middle member let out a whine in protest until Jungkook filled the newly vacated space idly tracing patterns on Joon's stomach as they both recovered from their highs. The two were notoriously needy after their orgasms.

Jimin moved you so you were straddling him, his hard tip pressed into your opening, waiting. Waiting for you to lower yourself down into his lap properly. You take an agonizingly long time to slide down his full length, letting out a long moan as you did so. You slowly bounce yourself up and down, winding him up, wondering how long it would take for him to flip you over and take you as hard and fast as he could. The man was not known for his sexual patience.

Just as you thought, the smaller man can’t wait long before you are manoeuvred on to your hands and knees. Your met with the sight of Hobi's dick stood to full attention in front of you. Clear that the two mean to take you together you open your mouth ready and willing. The two thrust in tandem, in, out, in, out. The speed increasing gradually as both chase their orgasms. You find yourself also nearing your second finish just as a new pair of hands find their way to your clit. Taehyung appears from underneath you rubbing at your clit fiercely, to a point where it’s almost painful. Almost. Your second orgasm causes both your pussy and throat to spasm, finishing both men off in one quick motion. The seven of you are panting and sweaty, collapsed in cuddly heaps on the large bed.

“So how was tour? You ask after catching your breath

Kinktober

Masterlist

Please let me know what you think or if you have any requests for the last 6 fics here

[hittcr-a]

y’all should be proud of me. i did a lot of replies (read: a few) and cleaned the fuck out of my room. i am a whole person again.

[falcqns]

partner in crime ll

pairing: August Walker x OFC (Maeve)

summary: August and Maeve get acquainted.

warnings: fluff! dad!august.

a/n: this will eventually be a august x reader story, but that won't happen for a few more chapters, sorry! hope you enjoy! I also would like to say I hated writing him building her crib bc it brought back memories of me trying to assemble Lavenders while in labor bc im a dumb ass and left it to her due date LMAO.

August was in way over his head.

he'd been trying for the better part of an hour to get Maeve down for a nap so he could put her crib together. he had tried a bottle, and a pacifier, but nothing was working. he refused to call Anais, he had just gotten the little girl, and he didn't want to lose her.

he may not be the best thing for her, but he was all she had left, and he was determined to do better than his mother at this single parent thing.

it startled him slightly just how similar his life and Maeve's were. both were either raised or being raised by a single parent, and both had a dead parent. for him it was his father, for her it was her mother.

that thought worried him. who would she go to when she got her first period? when she had boy trouble? when she needed someone who wasn't him for something he couldn't help with? is he limiting her possibilities by just being raised by him?

he didn't have any brothers or sisters. his parents were older when they had him; late 40's, and his fathers parents were dead as well, and his mom stopped talking to her family when she was 18. he never knew why, but based on the way she treated him, he could only guess it was abuse.

he didn't want that for Maeve. he wanted her to grow up happy and healthy, the way he was before his father was killed.

he glanced back down at the little girl who wouldn't settle, and had absolutely no idea what to do. he laid her on his bed, and that's when he noticed her shorts were sagging slightly, and he finally clued in to the issue.

he walked over to the bag that Anais had brought, and headed back to the bedroom. he dropped it as he walked in when he saw Maeve about to fall off the bed face first. he caught her in time, and was about to scold her, when he realized he was at fault.

that's right. he thought. can't leave babies alone.

he sighed, and laid her back on the bed, before opening up her bag.

he was shocked at what he found. she only had one other outfit, and those were pyjamas. she had 3 diapers, a small package of wipes, and one stuffed animal.

August still didn't fully know what she needed, but he knew she needed more than just one stuffed animal.

he took her shorts off, and his mind blanked. he had absolutely no idea how to change a diaper.

he grabbed his phone and made a quick google search of 'how to change a diaper'

he clicked on the first link he found, and followed the instructions carefully.

Unfasten the diaper tabs.

August grasped the diaper tabes, and pulled them away from the diaper. the diaper came undone, and he looked back at his phone.

Slide the diaper away.

He slid the diaper away, wrapped it up as best as he could, and placed it onto the ground next to him, so Maeve couldn't reach it. something inside of him told him that the dirty diaper was something she shouldn't touch.

he glanced up at her, and saw she was watching him intently, as she sucked on her pacifier. she wasn't crying, so he must be doing it right.

Wipe the baby clean.

he used one of the very few wipes to clean her up, before tossing that on top of the dirty diaper next to him.

Slide a clean diaper under your baby's bottom.

he grabbed one of the three diapers from the bag, making a mental note to order more diapers once she was asleep. he may not know much, but he knew that two diapers wouldn't last the rest of the afternoon and the night.

Close the new diaper.

he pulled the tabs away from where they were, and pulled them around to the front, mimicking the way he found the diaper in the first place.

he placed her shorts back on, and stood up. he lifted her up, and carried her into the living room, where he sat her on the ground in front of the tv.

"stay." he told her, and walked back into the bedroom to dispose of the diaper.

his heart dropped into his stomach when he walked back, however. Maeve wasn't where he left her. he thought if she was on the floor, she'd have less of a chance of getting hurt when he wasn't right there.

he glanced around the open concept area of his apartment, and saw a burgundy bum disappear around the corner, towards the laundry room.

he raced after her, and scooped her up just before she entered the room.

"lets not go in there, its not safe." he said, sternly, but immediately knew it was the wrong decision when she burst into tears.

"shit." he said. he turned her around, and held her the way he'd seen Anais hold her earlier. "its okay. i'm sorry."

she settled down slightly after his apology, and laid her head on his shoulder. he saw her eyes flutter closed, and made his way back through his apartment to the bedroom. he shut the door softly, attempting not to wake her, and placed her now sleeping body on his bed.

he'd done some research last night, and knew he should move the pillows from around her. she was only 7 months, and he knew she was still in the SIDS risk category. he didn't want to risk it, so he moved the pillows and placed them around her as a makeshift crib. he turned around, and faced the actual crib, which was only half assembled.

he sighed and got to work.

Maeve stayed asleep for a few hours, which according to her file, was normal for her.

he headed into the kitchen, and looked at the box that held her highchair. it was almost 3 pm, so she'd most likely be hungry by the time she awoke.

August found that the highchair was much easier to assemble. it took him only 15 minutes rather than a few hours.

next, he scoured his cabinets for something suitable for her to eat while he ordered dinner.

he rarely bought groceries any more, since he was barely home due to missions, which was something he needed to talk to Sloane about. would she still let him on missions? would he be stuck on desk duty? who would watch Maeve? if he did find someone to watch her, would they be suitable to his taste for watching her?

he shook those questions out of his head briefly, and found Cheerios.

he loved Cheerios, and hoped that Maeve would too. her file said that she could eat most foods, and decided to order Chinese food for dinner. wasn't the healthiest for her, but it would do. he also ordered a few more things for Maeve, such as diapers, baby food and snacks, and few toys. he didn't know if she had other toys when she was living with her mother, but she needed some.

while he waited for her to wake up, and the food and baby items to arrive, he looked up some toys that he could get for her. he thought about what he played with, but the memory was fuzzy, and he didn't think Legos were suitable for a 7 month old.

he ended up buying a Children's Factory 5 Piece Ball Pit, a Melissa and Doug play kitchen, an iPad, a few Barbies, big Lego blocks, a few books and puzzles. he knew it wouldn't be everything he needed, but it was a start. he glanced around the apartment, and decided to start looking for a bigger one.

the one he lived in, while small, was rather expensive. it was only. one bedroom, but had a full laundry, two full bathrooms, a large terrace, and even an outdoor entertaining area upstairs. he knew Maeve would need a playroom, and a bedroom, and he'd need an office so he could keep Maeve and work separate.

he was about to look at apartments when he heard Maeve crying, he little sobs tugging on his heart strings already.

dinner time went rather well, August thought. he gave her small cut up bits of everything, and the only thing she didn't like was the fortune cookie. she ate up all the noodles, and the lemon chicken, as well as the Cheerios.

he decided to skip bath time for today, he was way to nervous to handle a wet slippery baby by himself right now.

he put a sheet on her mattress, and laid her down with her stuffy, and her pacifier, and she drifted off to sleep rather easily.

August laid in his bed and watched his daughters chest move up and down while she slept.

that wasn't too bad, he thought to himself.

[six-of-ravens]

To do today:

housework: laundry, wash bedding, put new sheets on bed, dishes, clean out the storage room since it's so full you literally can't get into it (put the balcony furniture outside, maybe put the camping stuff in the bedroom closet?)

cook more rice and chicken for next week

find a place for the pictures I impulse bought at value village yesterday lol

decide whether I'm going to put in the effort to make those skirts I bought fit or if I'll just return em (they're really frickin cute, but sewing is not my greatest skill....)

start Strange the Dreamer

write??? hello new years resolution I dropped in the first week of January...