#Making mistakes is just part of acquiring skill

[bonefall]

post/734733274896809984/do-you-ever-worry-your-own-writing-might-come-off that makes sense. i was asking because i'm afraid of accidentally writing misogyny myself and i kind of admire what you do

Hmm... I wish I had better advice to give you on this front, but honestly, the only thing I can tell you is to consider the perspective of your female characters.

Women are people. They have thoughts and feelings of their own, so like... just let them have their own arcs. A lot of the worst misogyny in WC comes from the way that the writers just don't care about their girls (or, in the case of tall shadow, actually get undermined and forced to rewrite entire chapters), so they're not curious about their lives, or WHY they feel the way they do or what they want, or any direction for their character arcs.

Turtle Tail as an example. She'll often just end up feeling whatever Gray Wing's plot demands. She's gotta leave when Storm dumps him to make him feel lonely. She shows up again to love him in the next book. Lets her best friend Bumble get dragged back to Tom the Wifebeater, but is sad enough about her death to be "unreasonably angry" with Clear Sky, and then calms down and accept Gray Wing is right all along.

And then she dies, so he can have his very own fridge wife.

In this way, Turtle Tail's just being used to tell Gray Wing's story. They're not interested in why she would turn on Bumble, or god forbid any lingering negative feelings for how she didn't help her, or even resentment towards Clear Sky for killing her or Gray Wing for jumping to his defense. She isn't really going through her own character arc.

She does have personality traits of her own, don't misunderstand my criticism, but as a character she revolves around Gray Wing.

So, zoom out every now and then, and just ask yourself; "Whose story is being told by what I wrote? Do my female characters have goals, wants, and agency, or are they just supporting men? How do their choices impact the narrative?"

But that's already kinda assuming that you already have characters like Turtle Tail who DO have personalities and potential of their own. Here's some super simple and practical advice that helped me;

Tally the genders in your cast. How many are boys, how many are girls, how many are others?

And take stock of how many of those characters are just in the supporting cast, and compare that to the amount you have in the main cast.

If you have a significant imbalance, ESPECIALLY in the main cast, fire the Woman Beam.

It's a really simple trick to just write a male character, and then change its gender while keeping it the same. I promise women are really not fundamentally different from men lmao. You can consider how your in-universe gender roles affect them later, if you'd like, but when you're just starting to wean yourself off a "boy bias" this trick works like a charm.

Also you're not allowed to change the body type of any girl you Woman Beam because I said so. PLEASE allow your girls to have muscles, or be fat, or be old, or have lots of scars. Do NOT do what a cowardly Triple A studio does, where the women all have the same cute or sexy face and curvy body while they're standing next to dwarves, robots, and a gorilla.

Or this shit,

If you do this I will GET you. If you're ever possessed by the dark urge, you will see my face appear in the clouds like Mufasa himself to guide you away from the path of evil.

Anyway, you get better at just making characters girls to begin with as time goes on and you practice it. It's really not as big of a deal as your brain might think it is.

Take a legitimate interest in female characters and try not to disproportionately hit them with parental/romance plots as opposed to the male cast, and you'll be fine. Don't think of them as "SPECIAL WOMEN CHARACTERS" just make a character and then let her be a girl, occasionally checking your tally and doing some critical thinking about their use in the story.

(Also remember I'm not a professional or anything, I'm just trying to give advice)

[shubaka]

some kpts fic recs! here are some that i'll randomly catch myself thinking about again :')

GEN

Silver for Truth by snickerdoodlles

Tawan dug himself a grave when he hurt Kinn all those years ago, now it’s time for Khun and Kim to put him in it. (this is part 2 of a series but i feel compelled to rec this particular one lmao)

The Knight's Pawn by Yuujeong

When Big appears one day at Kim's doorstep as his new bodyguard, Kim is mentally prepared; he will not befriend, he will not open up and most importantly, he will not get attached. Korn made sure he learned this lesson a long time ago. Still, sometimes, on silent nights consisting of a cigarette and his guitar, he ponders on his past, on the days accompanied by an unassuming bodyguard with dimples and he smiles bitterly to himself. Or. The relationship between Kim and Pete, before everything.

KENBIG

Somewhere with Snow by gayzuko

"Everything's going to shit, isn't it?" Ken says when they part. Big sighs. "Yeah. Yeah, it is." "Do you ever think about leaving?"

KIMCHAY

Back on the Beat by Pens

On one hand, Kim is thrilled that Porchay responded to his ridiculous message. On the other hand, he doesn't really know where to go from here... he supposes he has no one to blame but himself. At least Porchay hasn't left him on read this time. Kim will just have to figure out a way to get Porchay to forgive him... through memes.. Illustrated and animated!, with some words in between.

clip by laesa

Korn dies and Kim slowly grows his hair out long. His brothers and boyfriend approve.

Come On, Get Up by phnelt

Kim gets kidnapped. Luckily, Chay has a very particular set of skills that he has acquired over a long career of being an ultra-fan. And he knows how to google.

deep in this sleeplessness by bisexualbard

“Kim.” Chay keeps repeating, and hearing his name from those lips still makes something flutter in his chest, even after all these months. “Are you saying we could have been getting a good night’s sleep for like a week now and you didn’t tell me?” He shrugs again. Chay keeps emphasizing words accusatorily, like approaching him and saying, hey I think we’ve been cursed so that we can’t sleep unless we’re near each other please let me curl up next to you in bed, wouldn’t be batshit crazy. Kim can't sleep. Chay can't sleep. Somehow this leads to Kim spending his nights in Chay's bed with the Great Wall of Pillows standing firmly between them.

From the Ashes by Water_Nix

Episode 14 canon divergence wherein Kim doesn't leave Hum Bar without Chay, and Gun gets out what he was going to say about Namphueng before Korn has a chance to act against him.

Heiligschennis by scattered_stardust16

Kim’s legs tremble with the effort of holding himself up, his pants and briefs are a mess around his ankles that neither of them care about right now. Not when Kim’s skin contrasts so beautifully against the black shiny polish of the piano he’s lying on. Chay could wax poetically about that contrast for hours. Starting with the way it makes Kim’s skin seem even more golden that it usually does.

Idolistic by ditchlily

Kim has control issues, and likes to seed his fandom with misinformation. Chay is a bnf with an unerring ability to spot the lies. This is a meet cute. Contains: weird courtship rituals, creepy cousins, far too much PDA, and Kim and Chay, teaming up to take on the world and take down family conspiracies.

Kim's Magic Pussy by imdeadlily

Kim wakes up and finds his dick is gone. MIA. Vanished. Displaced. Chay has no issues with this.

Moondrunk by TheCookieOfDoom

Porchay is a werewolf that crosses into vampire territory during his first full moon, an honest mistake that could lead to war. Luckily the vampire he meets cares less about their treaty than he does about the lost, golden-eyed cub stumbling through the forest.

Outside the Frame by just_slightly_chaotic

"So, P'Kim." Chay nonchalantly picks at the food on his plate, glancing at Kim from underneath his eyelashes. "What is the new MV going to be about?" Kim's heart picks up in speed. He wills it to slow down, without success. "I'm a prince who's been forced into an arranged marriage." Chay's head snaps up at Kim, eyes widening. "But I fall in love with a stablehand instead and we run away together." He's pretty sure he sees the world implode behind Chay's eyes. --- Kim doesn't need a social media manager. He's doing perfectly fine. Until Chay comes along. And then... well, he still insists he doesn't need a social media manager. But he does need Chay. (Even if it takes him a while to admit it.) (WIP)

tear out the threat of your love from my skin by booksnchocolate

It's not Porche's fault. Chay tells himself this firmly when it starts. This has nothing at all to do with hia, nothing at all to do with waking up one morning at 17 and finding his older brother firmly gone from his life. It's not Porsche's fault, but that is when it starts. Chay breaks. (please mind the tags on this one)

There Must Be Nine by Discophilia

Porchay Kittisawasd has felt unlucky for his entire life, he just never knew there was a reason. The morning of his 19th birthday, he collapses, victim to a dark generational curse that's somehow connected to Kim, too. Racing, Kim has to find a way to break the curse before Chay is lost forever. (WIP)

when i drive myself my light is found by IsleofSolitude

When Chay bought a car, he didn't realize hwat a great deal he got. It came with leather seats, a full tank of gas, a scowling ghost, and floor mats. Wait, what?

WIKTOBER: Open for Submissions. by wildelydawn

Chay runs an annual fic fest for WIK, a popular singer. Kim, a lurker in his own fandom, becomes an admin. (WIP)

Wikubus by AirgiodSLV

Chay knows that summoning a demon is a bad idea. He knows, okay? There are countless media depictions of what happens when someone decides to bargain with their soul. It never ends well. It's just... There have been a lot of rumors popping up lately in the fan spaces Chay frequents. Comments that suggest Chay's pop music idol Wik might secretly be a demon. Specifically, an incubus.

KIMPORSCHE

Bruises on both my knees by Lorio

So you're a tough guy Like it really rough guy Just can't get enough guy Chest always so puffed guy I'm that bad type

TANKHUNCHAY

and my mind came rushing in by filigreesails

Tankhun has never been kissed. He's fine with that - prefers it that way, even. IT's not as if there are many people out there who could meet his eye-wateringly high standards, anyway. So it's fine. Obviously. At least, until Chay comes to him with a proposition, and the prospect of changing the status quo suddenly becomes a lot less hypothetical

[nanomooselet]

Little but Fierce II

Sorry, sorry, I changed my mind - first up I'll explain Milly's absence, and why that's important. (Thus no pictures, sorry. Also this is extremely long.)

Stampede definitely skews toward an older demographic than the ‘98 anime; shounen this is not, not even a little. I remember the director (I think?) saying Cowboy Bebop was an influence, and I do see it. Structurally they're both very musically-driven - each episode explores a variation on the theme until the climax. But there's some thematic similarities too, sort of, mostly around the way the Bebop crew related to each other. It's a found family, yes. But found inevitably first means having lost. And there's a few ways to lose a family, but the one in this post might be the most common.

Stampede talks about fighting to grow up - moving from the security of childhood to the freedom of adulthood, and what inevitably gets left behind.

Under good circumstances, childhood is certain and safe. You're provided everything you need and your caregivers will protect you. You're not held responsible for anything, since you're still learning the shape of the world, and not expected to perform, achieve, or provide. It's the job of your caregivers to do those for you while you acquire practical and social skills, support your body's healthy development, and form a stable sense of self and an identity of your own. Under ideal circumstances, you'll get the opportunity to make plenty of mistakes but face no permanent consequences, just an explanation of how you went wrong you can learn from - since mistakes are how you learn. This is how you build your confidence and in general become better at the whole "human being" business, which believe me does actually take practice and is not inherent. Not everyone figures it out, either.

On the other hand, you also don't really have choices or power, and your reality is confined, any edges rounded. Without consequences there also isn't change. Your identity isn't your own. You are a child of your parents or the ward of your caregivers - you belong to them, in a sense are part of them, because you're their responsibility. Many experiences are gated from you until you mature. In general the world is a simple place and your feelings feel very big, but lack complexity. You're sad, happy, or angry from head to toe, but only one at a time and not over much. It feels important, but that's because kids can't have perspective. It's always the most important thing to them because they haven't experienced anything more important yet.

Adulthood is less safe but more free - you have to fulfil your own desires and defend yourself. Social connections are yours to try to form. You will likely have to work to provide for yourself, and perhaps others - it's no longer anyone's job to do that for you. You are accountable, you are responsible, your actions have consequences that rebound not only on you but upon others, good or bad. Outcomes are also more uncertain, and mistakes can be proportionately harder to recover from.

But you have autonomy - selfhood, identity are yours to claim. Choices are your own to make. There are downsides but also advantages, opportunities for greater happiness but also inevitable pain, and in general more subtle, complex emotions and situations. It can be very hard. But it can also be very beautiful.

Inevitably, humans being mammals and having such utterly helpless infants, there'll be at one point in your life you play the role of child to a caregiver. Odds are fairly good you'll also be caregiver to a child at least once (or something like one). Think how many of us have pets. Or even an older sibling to a younger. Teacher to a student. Such relationships always shape us, whichever role you occupy. There's a common archetype in folklore of the "mother of death", because whoever you were before becoming a parent has to die, at least a little, to make room for the vast responsibility of parenthood - think of giving up a career to raise a family, for example. And creating a life means inevitably you have invoked a death. All that lives, in time, will die.

Got all that?

So Stampede and arguably Trigun as a whole is about what happens when you fuck with it.

Good circumstances, yeah, you aren't going to find those. Let's see how hard people try anyway. Let's see what happens when care of a child is suddenly assumed by someone unprepared - or when a child is forced to assume a caregiving role. Or when a child never receives a childhood before being unmade, destroyed, but still surviving to claim the freedom of adulthood. What do they become?

(Am I talking about Wolfwood? Legato? You tell me.)

Are the Plants here to take care of us or ours to take care of? Can we only take from them or is there some way to give back? Can it be mutual? Or must we pick a side?

We don't have Milly yet because Milly resolves the argument. She's someone who sees no reason to pick a side. She's a very caring, protective person who also has no problem with being taken care of - she's happy to defer to Meryl, whom she has great respect for. And Meryl has respect for her too. It's a very good working relationship! Which, uh, unfortunately doesn't leave a lot of room for exploration of the main conflict, and might have been why they faded out a bit in the later volumes.

The purpose of switching Milly with Roberto was to create that conflict. There are a lot of mothers in Stampede but not many places for dads. And one thing I very much have come to appreciate is that both were afforded equal flaws, redemption and sympathy. There's no bumbling useless fathers, or blandly nice mothers (even Rem, who comes the closest, had terrible regrets, and I get the feeling we haven't seen the last of her. Really, around this point in the story in the older tellings a lot of people still thought she was Vash's dead girlfriend, so let's not hasten to judge). Rosa is a hard woman and she turns on Vash, but she has her reasons and Knives punishes her far too cruelly. Brad's kind of an asshole, but it's because he cares so deeply and doesn't know how to talk about it.

Roberto is jaded, but he takes his responsibility seriously and he's a good teacher to Meryl. He isn't just a vehicle for exposition.

Nor does he treat her badly in any way. Meryl feels perfectly safe snatching away his booze and talking back to him. They become fond of and comfortable around each other so quickly because they both decent and clever people, fundamentally similar. It's built on mutual respect, trust and communication.

Compare to how Knives interacts with Vash, how long the pauses are in their reunion in the diner. Knives is trying to be gentle, but Vash is so terrified he can't finish a sentence, can hardly speak at all, his voice is shaking so badly. Knives sneers when Vash doesn't instantly react with affection. Which is… insane considering this is exactly how it was the last time they met: Knives gruesomely murders someone, smearing the walls and floor with blood, and then expects Vash to be grateful or impressed. Their relationship is one in the process of slowly but violently shattering.

Meryl is very young in Stampede. She's got some significant character flaws. But it's hard for her not to do better than that.

Part I

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

Part IX

[definitelynotafurinasimp]

Hiya! Hope you’re doin well!

Can we get Eula with an s/o who absolutely refuses to do anything but spoil her? No matter what she is doing, they are by her side with a gift or a hug or just plain doing her job for her

Eula with a reader that spoils her all the time

characters: Eula x gn!reader

warnings: none, just fluff

a/n: Eula is cute, Eula is life.

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Eula

Eula was far from having any money problems, with the knights paying her pretty well and her funds she managed to build up over the years there was no need for her to worry about starving anytime soon.

So seeing you insist on paying for every meal or buying her gifts whenever possible didn’t exactly sit right with her, was it because the thought of you thinking she needed someone to pay for her slightly stinged her ego or simply because she didn’t want you to spend any more money on her, especially since you always somehow managed to weasel your way out of sharing the bill or being compensated no matter how hard she tried.

What it took to refuse you was determination and focus, skills that she had acquired tenfold during her work for the knights in dragonspine, but while she ought to have succeeded by now, you never failed to completely overwhelm her, causing the former aristocrat to simply give up instead of risking making a fool out of herself by trying to say anything.

“Oh! Eula!”, the aforementioned woman halted her steps the moment the sound of a familiar voice calling out to her rang in her ear, quickly turning around only to see you running towards her as fast as you could, causing her to start worrying something bad might have happened. But just as she started to worry, you threw your arms around her neck and hugged her with the enthusiasm of someone just winning a prestigious tournament.

“Is something the matter?”, Eula asked, feeling herself tensing up at the sudden public affection. One side of her wanted to push you away before reprimanding you about acting with her in such a way in public, only for it to be drowned out by the part of her brain scrambling to find the right words to say without completely losing her composure.

“You won’t believe what I managed to buy!”, you excitedly told her, only to pull out a small box before even leaving her a chance at guessing, opening it to reveal a ring.

You went on to ramble happily, Eula could see your mouth moving, your arms moving along your words and you nearly jumping in excitement, but none of your words were processed by her, the former aristocrat instead deep in thought, not sure if this was just another one of your gifts or something more, one side of her feeling nothing but excitement and happiness at the thought of it, the other something more akin to dread. It took you sliding the ring onto one of her fingers for her to finally snap back to reality, opening her mouth before she even had the chance to think about what to say.

“W-wait, won’t even wait for my answe-”, Eula stopped herself the moment she heard her voice crack, even slightly, her face growing even redder as embarrassment mixed with all of her other reactions, only for her to continue trying to get an answer out in time “I- wai- yes!”

What followed was silence, and as she finally reopened her eyes, having shut them tight just a few moments before, she was met with a slightly confused expression from you, causing her to get irritated as well.

“Answer?”, you asked, not being able to grasp what she meant, only for your face to light up a few seconds later, “No no, don’t worry, you don’t have to compensate me. I wouldn’t buy you such things if I didn’t have enough money to spare”, you frantically stated, causing Eula to finally realize her mistake, her face burning up in embarrassment as soon as she did, only for her to look down and fidget with the ring, murmuring a few words all too familiar to you while trying to think of what else to do.

“I will have vengeance.”

[moumouton4]

Hit The Jackpot || Dabi x fem!reader

Part 1 : First Encounter

A/n : I’ve had this idea in mind for a long time 🌯 Please let me know if there is any mistakes or thing that can be improved. Again I'm french so English isn't my first language 🍡🥤 Also my requests are open as always so let me know if you have any ideas 🥕

Part 2 : The Spark That Lights The Fire 🔥

Part 3 : Welcome Back 🔥

Masterlist ⚜

Warning : This is the FIRST part, there will be a SECOND part next week I think. She’s not a villain yet

Summary : What if you got kidnapped by the lov but you were crazier than them

I don’t give permission to repost my work, if you want to share it just reblogue it

Song suggested : Mad Hatter by Melanie Martinez

Words count :  1261

Everything was fine today though, the sun was shining high in the sky and you were with your classmates. You had arrived at the Forest Training Camp the day before so you could progress in the use of your quirks with the help of the Wild Wild Pussycats. You were all pretty serene, because the address of the camp had been kept secret because of the Vangard Action Squad attack last month. Besides, you had Aizawa sensei and Kan sensei to protect you, what could go wrong ?

 However, as you were doing a courage exercise in the forest, you felt the tension rising. Then you looked at your classmates, Shoto and Katsuki - with whom you had made good friends - who were not very reassured either. It was the first time you saw them like that

 But you were not afraid, you were excited by the tension. You were even hoping for an attack to be able to test your new fighting techniques. That's why Katsuki liked you – as a friend ( you naughty little sausage / j ). Even if you were kind of an outcast your classmates really liked you. Well they less liked you if they had to train with you because you were a completely new person when you had to fight. You became violent, bloodthirsty and sought the sweet adrenaline of danger. You were one of the most reckless students of the class – even Izuku couldn’t measure up to you there -  and that's part of the reason why the teachers put you with two teammates, just in case things went wrong... and yet they had no idea what would happen

 Indeed, the Vangard Action Squad attacked the camp and while they were desperately trying to capture Katsuki, you got noticed not because of your technique like you wished to because Katsuki and Shoto were much more skilled than you, no you threw yourself on the villains without even thinking before and that's what made them change their plan. They felt in you the angry and violent temperament that matches the one of a potential villain

 And so it was like that, being reckless, that you found yourself trapped in one of Mr. Compress's marbles and soon made your way to the hideout of what is now called the League of Villains

 Of course Shigaraki wasn't too happy about this change of plan, but when he saw how hard you were fighting on the way in he calmed down

 Sitting there on a chair tied with too many chains in proportion to your size but just right for your strength. In fact, your quirk allowed you to acquire the quirks of the people you touched if they gave you their consent ( wah it took me too long to find lmao, but don't worry it will be useful later )

 Anyway, they started to talk to you in order to make you take sides with them, to become a villain like them, but you didn't listen to them. For the simple reason that you already had a preconceived idea of what you wanted to become. If we start from the root, your parents forced you to study at the school of heroes. You didn't like to follow the code, you did what you wanted to do, depending on your mood. If you wanted to do good, you did it, and if you wanted to do bad, if it made you laugh, you did it too.

 While they were talking to you, Toga had pointed her knife at you with a threatening look, you laughed at her, which of course delighted the girl who saw that you were not afraid of her like the other morons of your age. She left seconds after squeaking that she found someone she's sure she'd be friends with

 It was Shigaraki's turn to try to enroll you by putting three fingers on the back of your neck to put pressure on you, but you moved your head back to his hand, as always blind to the danger. He almost jumped back, bringing his hand back towards him, almost afraid to reduce his new potential and promising recruit to dust

 And that's when Toga came back accompanied by Dabi who came rather reluctantly just at the moment of seeing you tempting the devil and pulling your head back towards the hand of Shigaraki. If he didn't have so much self-control he would have his mouth wide open and his eyes haggard. But if you looked at him closely you would see that his eyes were a little more open than usual

 Your eyes were fixed on him as if you had just seen a shooting star ( that's the 1st time we compared him to that ). His azure eyes meeting your wild look thrilled by the adrenaline it was giving you

 "The heck ?!?" he thought

 "Since when do they have lunatics committed to UA ?" he scoffed quizzically as he looked at his boss, but he said far less than he thought. He was intrigued by you and secretly hoped you would decide to join them so he could see you in action on the battlefield

 Still staring at him you singsung "My brain is scattered. You can be Alice, I'll be the Mad Hatter"

 If someone wasn't looking at you it changed very quickly, because all heads wiped towards you, most of them wide eyed. Nobody dared to disrespect Dabi, heck you really were crazy

 The villain involved chuckled darkly, he liked your ardor but that laugh he let out sounded more like a growl and a warning than a proof of amusement

 Finally Spinner broke the silence "What the hell does all this mean ?"

 "I'm in, it's going to be fun" you replied, once again they all looked at you with wide eyes

 "Just like that ? No no. You better not take us for fucking idiots or else you'll-" Shigaraki was interrupted by your voice, much more serious now

 "Jeez big guy like I said it's going to be fun so I'm in. I have no reason to betray you and I don't care what the consequences might be so well, it's either you trust me or you get rid of me right now"

 Toga squeaked once "Ooooh please don't kill her she's sooo funnn I'll watch her I swear-"

 "I don't think this task will be granted to you. I was thinking more of someone she couldn't kill if she felt like it" Shigaraki stopped her in her tracks, Shigaraki who by the way had no knowledge - like the others - of the quirk you were endowed with

 As in a tennis game, all the heads including Toga’s turned to the young black haired man leaning against the wall. Dabi scoffed "I'm not a babysitter for brats" though he was thrilled thinking about all the things that'll happen with you during missions

 He was royally ignored by Shigaraki, who asked for you to be taken out of the room so he could explain the plan he had in case the heroes came to save you

 Because yes your friends and teachers were doing everything to find you but unfortunately in this universe they will not find you as quickly as they found Bakugo. And unlike him you were not made to become a hero, far from it

 And like Alice in the Wonderland you fell into the rabbit hole, you fell hard and never tried nor wanted to get out of it

~

~

A/n : I love making my crazy idea coming true ! As I said it’s only the first part 🥰 I hope you guys liked it ! 🛍👑 Again my requests are open 🪁🥏

Taglist : @foxxymunson, @cl0vr, @ilovemanypeople, @glossy1pearl

[moonlit-positivity]

Things I wish I knew before healing, part 2

• nobody is coming to save you. Except that's not entirely true either. Not in the way youd think. If you're looking for someone to hold you, coddle you, change your dirty diapers, and do the work for you? Nah these mfs can't baby sit a grown ass adult. But that is a very valid feeling. I can't tell you how much I bitched and moaned in the beginning. I literally told my therapist one time, "I want someone to change my fuckin diapers!" Lol 😭 the hard thing about being abused as a child is that there is never anyone there to care for you on that deeper level. And the hardest part about growing up this way, is that there never will be. Not in the way of this fantasy of wanting someone to be fully enmeshed with your brain enough to know what it is you want and need without you ever needing to open your mouth and say it out loud. No. That's not how people are gonna save you. But they will save you in an entirely different way. They will let you know when youre making a mistake. My therapist has helped me in ways I would have never even fuckin imagined humanity would be able to help someone. And she's not the only one. I'm lucky and blessed and privileged to have had a few good case managers and help from people who work for the city I live in. These people have helped me in ways that others couldn't. They gave me a backbone to stand up and get the work done for myself. They helped me understand this during the hardest fucking rude awakening I have ever had about life in general. And that is, that no one on this earth is entitled to taking care of you. Nah. In my case tho they still wouldn't even if I wanted em to, bc I already kinda knew that from growing up with my mother. I would have never been able to outright ask someone to love me. Not with the awareness of what my mother put me through and the constant fear of becoming just like she was to me. But there comes a time when you gotta stop bitching and whining about how unfair it is and learn how to get up and move anyway. And tbh, I'm still not entirely there yet. It's not an easy thing to learn. But I know a helluva lot more now than I have ever known in my entire life, and that means a whole fuckin lot to me right now. I literally started out from under ground zero, like -65 if you wanna be specific. I had to crawl through the gutters just to get where the fuck I am today. I fuckin carved that shit out all by myself. I fuckin did that. And I'm proud as fuck of where I stand today.

• there is going to be times when you literally cannot talk about it anymore. I can't tell you this without explaining that I am the type of person who would want to immediately snap my fingers and expect the immediate response, to have that quick fix solution. Nah. Patience is an acquired skill. Not to toot my own horn here, but God fuck if I had ever known that before starting therapy I swear to God I don't think I woulda made it through. I have such an aversion to pain and suffering bc of what I went through as a kid, but the pain of healing is unlike anything you will ever experience. Because unlike being abused, healing feels good. Healing feels like someone is purifying your soul in a pure light. And your soul is filled with anger and bitterness and pain. So trusting that light is fucking nuts to say the least. There are times when someone telling you it's not your fault will absolutely break you down into a million fuckin pieces. Not because it hurts, though yeah it does hurt a lot because that's not something anyone has ever told you before and there's the pain around why these mfs have never fuckin told you that. But it also hurts because it feels good to be finally listened to, heard, seen, and validated by another fucking human being on the face of the earth. And you won't want to believe it at first either. But eventually they'll keep saying it to you. Over and over. And eventually there will come a point when you finally lose your shit behind it and deal with the brainwashing coming undone to understand exactly what it is you've had to go through. And then there comes a time when you just can't talk about it the same way anymore. It changes you. It makes you see things about yourself and about the people around you and about this world in general that you've never even thought about before. And that's a whole lotta fuckton to sit with in itself.

• things gonna get better. And it's gonna scare the absolute piss and shit out of you when it does. The silence of peace and serenity is first filled with panic and survival on a whole different level than anyone will ever tell you about. The peace and silence of serenity feels like madness. It feels like youve been living underground your whole life and now you're above ground and everything is new and fuckin terrifying and you don't actually wanna live here, you wanna crawl back underground because it's more familiar and "safer" to you that living above ground is. And this is actually a normal feeling a lot of us go through I've noticed. Talking with other survivors can definitely help give you a sense of normalcy to what you're going through. But my god that urge to go back to the abuse and pain and suffering is so fuckin real. It's all you ever know. Trusting peace to not be a fuckin trap? That takes a lot of pain in itself.

• which brings me to this point. Every single thing about this process is a fucking pain in the ass. You've been beat, abused, gaslit into believing you are the devil incarnate by your parents. Your first ever caregivers, your first ever human experiences, have you believing you are the dog shit underneath their feet. They spend your entire childhood abusing you. Then you finally leave them behind and now you gotta find out they fuckin abused you???? My God. There is nothing about this shit that is gonna give you happy happy fun time play time vibes at all. That's fucked up beyond belief.

• youre gonna be pissed the fuck off all the time. My God if you're reading this and can relate, LOOK INTO SOMATIC HEALING. Give your body an outlet. And it doesn't have to be like exercise or yoga or any of that bullshit. Just shake your shoulders. Shake your arms. Shake your body. Let it move those big fuckin emotions and get it out. Somatics is all you ever fuckin need to get through this shit. Just find ways that it works for you. But yes. The anger and rage and betrayal is REAL. Don't fuckin beat yourself up for this shit. It's valid and it makes sense you'd be angry. LOOK AT WHAT THEY FUCKIN DID TO YOU.

• you're not faking your trauma, your symptoms, or your illnesses. There are real legitimate things happening in your brain and your body that affect the way you function day to day. The fact that there will be people in your life who will never fuckin understand that is a fucking war crime against yourself. Do yourself a favor and remove these people fuckin immediately. Anyone who dares question your life & illnesses & your right to fuckin exist???? Is a fuckin threat and you need to get them out NOW. You are not faking. You never fuckin were. Don't let anyone fill your head with doubt. Family, friends, therapists, doctors. NOBODY. find a second opinion. Find the doctor who's gonna listen and take you seriously when you ask about it and help get you the proper testing to find out. Do NOT settle for the doctors who tell you you're lying. Do NOT settle for the family that says youre lazy and selfish and entitled. Fuck those assholes. You know yourself better than they do. The fact that they even accuse you of lying to begin with is such a mindfuck in itself.

• there are gonna be times when the pain and regret of not knowing what the fuck you've already said and done is gonna suck the living energy from you. It's because well whaddya know. You've grown up a little bit. You might feel like it's a great thing to have the awareness and understanding now, and tbh yes it is! Don't detract from that point! But the people who have already been hurt from you aren't really gonna give a rats fuckin ass one way or another. And that's gonna hurt on so many levels, because yeah that's fair and valid. But holy fuck if i had known that before hand I swear to God things would have been so fuckin different. The thing about it is, people are listening to you, even when you don't think they are. I might go further into this sometime bc there are so many reasons as to why we don't think we matter as much to the people around us as they do actually care and listen. The words and actions you take (or don't take) will have a direct effect on those around you.

• life is not a fuckin game. God I wish someone had told me that a lot fuckin sooner. Take yourself seriously. Take your life seriously. This isn't the pregame show, this is the actual fuckin super bowl. Life is gonna hand you the epitome of fuck around and find out, and its gonna hit you hard if you're not prepared for that.

I will probably add more later. Thanks for reading 😊

[xpc-web-dev]

No motivation/energy , but with trying to maintain discipline.

(27/12/2022)

Hey guys. are you ok?

This last week has been draining my energy and I just don't feel like doing anything.

Studying UI/UX may seem easier than studying code, but I'm still on page -+ 56 of a 300 page book and I still have other + tutorials until I start making my own UI to code.

Why not abandon ui, you might think, right?

Because when it comes to the front-end, the satisfaction of learning it is 100% visual for me. And this year, making many mistakes in my programming studies, I enjoyed discovering the 20h skill quick acquisition technique (one day I will make a post) and I think that having my own UI will help me to be more willing and easier to break a project in tasks to do.

But I really don't have the bag to study right now.

And on the other hand, I hear a lot about going to rest that the new year is right around the corner, but the new year is just a new day.

Day 01/01 will be just another day in my life, not a milestone, you know? If I don't maintain discipline and consistency on my own, the new year won't give me that just because it's starting.

And my biggest goal in 2023 is to get a job in Tech, and that job won't happen without discipline, consistency and patience (rest too, I know)

So for these reasons I decided to start studying python just to maintain discipline in my studies.

Why yes, discipline is a difficult habit to acquire but easy to lose.

And since learning it is already part of my goals for 2023, I'll just go ahead, but it will be without pressure.

It's just to continue consistency, be productive and have fun.

As a Slytherin I really want to learn how to play the snake game uehehueuhe.

Let's see what I learn by the 01/01.

If you're out of energy like me and just want to study something so you don't lose the habit, I wish you luck and have fun.

But if you think differently, I wish you have a great rest and be well in your studies!

OBS: Let it be clear, I'M NOT ROMANTIZING NOT TO REST.

I rest, I sleep my 5/7h, I read my fanfics/comics for fun, I play with my dogs and all the rest.

I just don't want to lose a habit that was so hard to pick up for me this year.

And it will be much more for resting and having fun programming than for obligation in itself.

With that in mind,If you are reading this I wish a good day/night and drink water!

[bobapplesimblr]

A Zesty Kind Of Lepacy - Game Packs

If yall remember my Spicy Kind of Lepacy and Mild Kind of Lepacy, this is a continuation of that! Except this time it’s game packs! >:D

Usual rules still apply: gameplay mods, precautionary heirs, divorces and remarriages, are all still allowed 💗

Also, since I have multiple versions of these Lepacies now, feel free to mix and match the generations to suit the packs you have or don’t have! And most important of all, have fun!

I will TRY to make these generations be playable with just the corresponding game pack and the basegame, but I apologize if I make any mistakes by including things only available with expansions or stuff packs.

Rules under cut (I realize that having a super long post can be inconvenient!) (I ACCIDENTALLY REMOVED IT IM SO SORRY)

Gen 1 - Outdoor Retreat

(Colors: Dark Green)

The wilderness always called out to you, and what were you to do except answer? Even though you have a very mundane job, you can always find time to take a vacation and go enjoy nature.

Aspiration: Outdoor Enthusiast

Skills: Herbalism and Gardening

Career: Business or any boring-sounding career

Goals:

Visit Granite falls as often as possible

ATTEMPT to finish the Outdoor Retreat bugs collection. You don’t need to complete it, just get as many bugs as possible and display them in your home.

Find the Hermit and marry them. If you cannot or the Hermit is not of your sims’ preffered gender, marry one of the roaming bears instead.

Have regular trips to Granite falls with your family

*Mod Optional* There is a mod out there that lets you live in Granite Falls. If you wish to do so you can acquire said mod and have your sim family live there instead.

Gen 2 - Spa Day

(Colors: pale blue and pale pink)

To your parents camping out in the woods was the best way to relax, but to you? You would much rather stay inside, go to a nice sauna, maybe even get a massage or a manicure! Hell, maybe you’d even preffer to be the one giving the massages and manicures.

Aspiration: Any of the 3 Spa Day aspirations

Skills: Wellness and Fitness

Career: Either choose any or make money through giving classes, massages, and manicures/pedicures

Goals:

Go to Spas, or lots that include spa furniture and equipment, at least once a week.

Have your own “at home spa” or relaxation corner. This can be just a room with a yoga mat in it. But you should always aim to make it bigger.

Get a different manicure every time you go to a spa, for funsies! Regardless of sim gender.

Lead a few yoga/meditation classes - you don’t need to make this permanent, unless you’ve decided to do so with the aspiration.

Have yoga sessions with your sims’ family, but have your sims’ kids have the ‘dislikes wellness’ prefference

**I forgot to write for Dine Out and it’s too late at the time that  I’m realizing this for me to rewrite all the other generation intros + it is a very glitchy pack and I’d rather spare you having to do an entire generation of that mess. But if you really want my take on it let me know!**

Gen 3 - Vampires

(Colors: Black and one other color)

Nobody talks about how hard yoga is. Or how easy it was for you to dislike it. But what did you like? Vampires of course! So much so that you made it your mission to become one. Nobody ever believed you though... until you showed up with new fangs on Winterfest’s Eve.

Aspiration: Vampire Family (or any of the other vampire aspirations if you feel this one doesnt fit your sim)

Skills: Vampire Lore and Pipe Organ (optional: Piano)

Career: Part Time Jobs (if you want your vampire to keep a low profile), Criminal (if you want your vampire to be a menace to society), or Astronaut (one of the careers that eventually takes place mostly at night)

Goals:

Start researching vampires as soon as possible. (I believe you can start learning the Vampire Lore skill as a child?)

Make friends with a vampire and have them transform you. + Move to Forgotten Hollow as soon as your transformation is complete.

Form a vampire coven (more easily done with the Get Together clubs system BUT you can just have a bunch of vampires that you’ve turned as good friends and that will count for this)

Marry a mortal and turn them into a vampire a a few days before they become an elder, so they can spend all eternity with you.

Have one of your sims’ children (doesn’t have to be the heir) take the vampire cure OR throw the vampire cure in this generation’s face, effectively and forcefully curing them of vampirism.

Gen 4 - Parenthood (Colors: Multiple colors, very colorful in general)

You’ve always had a big family - a coven can count as a big family, right? So when you moved out you decided that you wanted to have a big family of your own! Just not... through the means your parents did. (Unless..)

Aspiration: Super Parent

Skills: Parenting and Cooking

Career: Babysitter or just any career that sounds very parent-y / that fits your sim better

Goals: 

Marry a sim with similar traits as your own. (Example: both sims have the Neat trait.)

Always use the ‘Try For Baby’ option instead of ‘WooHoo’. If you have mods that change how woohoo works in game have your sims never wear protection.

Have at least 1 of your sims’ children have all character value traits, be it positive or negative. As long as they get a trait for every character value, it counts.

Decide if you want to be a calm parent or a strict parent and follow through with that way of parenting till the end. (STORYTELLING optional: Have a favorite child/children that your sim treats differently. This is obviously horrible to have in a family and I do not condone favoritism, but it could be an interesting storytelling point.)

(OPTIONAL) I do not remember if the ‘On Ley Line’ lot trait came with an Expansion pack, but if that lot trait is available to you use it in every house your sim lives in once they reach adulthood.

Gen 5 - Jungle Adventure

(Colors: Emerald or Aquamarine + Orange)

Your parents tried their best with raising you and your siblings. And for the most part they were alright, but having so many siblings was really unnerving. So you decided to go live your lone fantasy of exploring the rich culture of Selvadorada!

Aspiration: Archeology Scholar or Jungle Explorer

Skills: Selvadoradian Culture and Archeology

Career: No career, make money from collectables

Goals: 

Visit Selvadorada as often as possible and befriend as many of the people there as possible.

Travel through the Jungle and into the Temple any time you can - the Temple changes every time you visit, so with luck you’ll be able to discover new rooms and collectables each time.

Marry a fellow jungle adventurer (any sim you meet in Selvadorada that buys an adventuring item or looks like they’re ready to go adventuring), build a family with them, but have them ultimately die by poisening while exploring the Temple together.

Keep some of the collectables you get from the temple on display in your home.

Have 1 child (not counting precautionary heirs) and bring them along on Temple expeditions.

Gen 6 - Strangerville

(Colors: Pink and Purple or Earthy Tones)

Your parents always encouraged you to follow your dreams and explore new places, and what better place to explore than a creepy ghost town? Adventure calls!

Aspiration: Strangerville Mystery

Skills: Charisma and Logic

Career: Military or Blackmail sims for money (Yes, you can do that!)

Goals:

Finish the strangerville mystery or at least get as far into it as possible.

Marry a strangerville resident and eventually move into the more ‘rich’ neighbourhood with the bigger houses.

Eat one of the mother plant bizzare fruit to become infected/possessed. (I believe this can also be achieved by woohooing with a sim that has the infected/possessed trait)

Have an affair with a sim in the Military OR whoever runs the Curio Shop next to the trailer park. A child should result from this affair but it is a secret your sim willl never tell.

If you finish the Strangerville Mystery dedicate a room in your sims’ house to display different collectables and rewards you got along the way, including things you can buy at the curio shop.

Gen 7 - Realm Of Magic

(Colors: Whatever you feel is more magical)

You grew up hearing stories about this plant that lived under ground that was controlling an entire town. The heroic tale of your parent’s adventure gave you hope and inspired you to try and find your own fantastical adventure! You just didn’t quite expect to find a portal to another dimension.

Aspiration: Spellcraft and Sorcery or Purveyor of Potions

Skills: No need to max any particular skill but do try to learn as many spells/potions as possible.

Career: Who needs a career when you’ve got magic? (if you happen to have Romantic Garden Stuff use the wishing well to wish for money whenever possible)

Goals:

Have a home in Glimmerbrook but spend most of your time in the Realm Of Magic. The one lot in the realm is editable (or should be with bb.enablefreebuild), so you can make a room for yourself or, since the lot is 50x40, build or find a build of a small village that fits into that size of lot and choose one of the houses to sleep in. [I know this probably sounds really far fetched, but there are build out there of little villages instead of 1 house on a massive lot.] 

Choose 1 school of magic and learn all the spells from it before moving onto any other school of magic. If you choose to go with Alchemy you must alternatively learn all the spells before going into sorcery, if you wish to go into sorcery.

Have a child with each Sage, if you can. The heir will then be the decided by who has the weakest bloodline. Being children of sages they most likely have the ‘Strong Bloodline’ trait, but since the other parent is not a sage tthere is still a chance that they get the ‘Weak Bloodline’ trait. If none have a weak magical bloodline then you may pick whichever one is your favorite.

Get a familiar early on and pass it down to the heir before they move out.

Collect all of the Realm Of Magic plants and have them in your own garden at ‘home’

Gen 8 - Dream Home Decorator

(Colors: Red and White)

To you magic was not about making a whole roast chicken appear out of thin air or setting random stuff on fire. To you magic was helping people get to a better place in life, see the joy in their eyes after giving them a brand new space to live and grow, a space to heal. THAT was true magic to you. And you wanted to bring that to everyone you could.

Aspiration: Friend of the World

Skills: Comedy and Painting

Career: Dream Home Decorator

Goals:

Get to know every client you have for every gig.

Date every client you encounter that ISN’T married or in a relationship.

Accidentally get pregnant/get your partner pregnant and only find out when you’re already with someone else.

Have a very close relationship with your child, even if you’re not quite sure who the other parent is (in the case that your sim is the one that got pregnant).

End up stealing a client’s spouse and marrying them as your final relationship, but have the next heir despise this partner.

Gen 9 - My Wedding Stories

(Colors: White and Black)

You saw your parent change partners quite often, more often than most really. But their last partner gave you a grand idea. You hated them that you thought, “why don’t I take this anger and direct it at my own romantic interests?”. Is that a toxic thought? YES, get therapy please. But is that going to stop you from becoming a Black Widow? Absolutely not.

Aspiration: Villainous Valentine

Skills: Mischief and Gourmet Cooking

Career: You are a gold digger, you do not need a career. But you can still have one if you’d like!

Goals: 

Marry rich sims (or ones that you think are rich), even if that means breaking up marriages and families.

Have a luxurious home that you add more to every time one of your partners passes and you get their money. (Until this happens your sim will live with their spouse in the spouse’s original house, unless it’s not as big as your sim’s house.

Your sim is aiming to be a Black Widow, but you can choose how the spouses pass <3 If you have mods the choices can be quite chaotic.

Try your hardest not to have children with any of your spouses, but end up woohooing at one of your weddings and get pregnant/get them pregnant from it.

Have as many wedding events as possible. Or as many as you can handle, really. But the deeper you get with being a black widown the darker the dresses get, until at the last wedding needed your sim wear a fully black dress.

Gen 10 - Werewolves

(Colors: Flannel, baby!)

Sadly your existance was a literal accident, and your parent didn’t really give you much attention growing up. Everything you could’ve ever wanted was given to you, except emotional availability. And so you set out to go find someone that would give you the love and care you needed, and built your own little found family.

Aspitation: Any of the werewolf aspirations

Skills: Reach the top of the werewolf ranks

Career: You can have any career you see fit, it’s not too important here

Goals:

Get turned by Greg as soon as you move to Moonwood Mill

Become friends with both Wolf Packs before choosing which one to go with, or choose neither and just stay friends with them.

Become Best Friends with multiple werewolves, basically adopting them as your new found family members. They’re there for you in the ways you really need. You can also include humans into this found family, but other occults might have a harder time.

You don’t need to have children, but if you find your Fated Mate you can have biological children with your mate. You can also adopt a child if you’d like!

Have a simple cozy home where you can host many hang out sessions and parties with your friends and family. You finally feel like you belong, and you’re going to make the most of it <3 

Happy Simming!!

[lumosinlove]

Vaincre

February (part two)

Sirius took Remus’ hand across the center console, and let out a breath when Remus squeezed it.

“Maybe…” Remus began. “Maybe I should take it off?” He looked down at the ring, the diamond catching the sunlight. “God, I don’t want to, but maybe just for today.”

“Non, non,” Sirius shook his head, eyes on the road. “I don’t think anyone would want you to feel like that.” Sirius, eyes still sad, sent a smile Remus’ way. “I also don’t want you to take it off.”

“I know, but, maybe…” Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes. “God, I have fucking, like…emotional whiplash or something.”

“Tell me about it,” Sirius mumbled and threw his blinker on. He looked tired. They’d stayed up late, very happily, and then even later still once Remus had made the mistake of checking his phone before bed. “Merde, I…I really didn’t think…”

“I mean, maybe it’s one of those loan trades, you know?” Remus said. “That makes the most sense to me, Tremz’s contract had, what, one more season on it? He was about to be a free agent, the Rangers were looking for a solid winger for their top line and we’re slumping hard.”

“Loan doesn’t always mean we get him back, though,” Sirius said. “And I want him back.”

“No, but it means new blood, a mix-up. We’ve seen teams coming right off of a Cup do this before. I wouldn’t be surprised if management thinks we needed a kick in the ass.”

“This isn’t a kick in the ass,” Sirius sighed as the arena came into view. “This is a kick in the teeth.”

Remus brought Sirius’ knuckles up to his lips and kissed them. “I know. I know it is. I’m not trying to reason it out, I just…”

“At least one of us can see reason in it,” Sirius raised a few fingers off of the steering wheel at Ned, who manned the parking lot booth. There were fans at the gate, as always, but Sirius gave them a shaky smile only. Remus saw a few holding up Tremblay jerseys and looked away.

“Do you think Finn and Leo are in?” Remus asked as the jerseys disappeared from his rear view mirror.

“I don’t know…I don’t even want to think about them. What—what do we even say to them?” Remus watched the way Sirius’ hands flexed on the steering wheel, watched his chest rise and fall tightly. “And Dumo. And…practice is just going to be horrible—who thought this would help us?”

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Remus said softly. Remus knew he was part of that us, but this was still Sirius’ team. Sirius shouldered more weight than he did, and always would when it came to the team’s wellbeing. And he had a point. The Lions, anyone had to admit, had been more or less unchanged for much longer than any other team in the League. It was unheard of, boarder-line strange, how little trading had been done in the past five years. Kasey had been acquired of course, but Cole and Leo were products of the draft—no switch-arounds necessary. And then there was himself, an entirely different and even stranger case.

Remus had always admired it as a PT, how tightly-knit a group the Lions were, but it had always scared him a little, too—especially when he’d really started to get to know Sirius. Bonds like that didn’t break easy, and they would never break in the way hockey expected them to. No one on this Lions roster would ever have an easy go of friends-one-day-old-teammates-the-next. Logan wasn’t a Ranger now. He was a Lion in the wrong sweater. Remus was worried because he wasn’t sure Logan, especially Logan, was going to be able to stop feeling that way like the League expected him to.

“This isn’t happening,” Sirius breathed as they pulled into their spot near the elevators. He all but yanked the car into park. “I’m talking to Coach.”

Sirius, without a proper family, had woven one around him through what seemed like sheer willpower and skill. He was good enough to make those around him even better. It was why the lines worked and stayed the same. Remus wondered just how much pull Sirius might actually have. He also worried about what Sirius would put himself through if he couldn’t turn this around.

Remus sighed and then slipped off his ring and put it into his pocket. For now, it was for the best. He pushed out of the car after Sirius.

“And say what?” Remus said, jogging a few steps to where Sirius was waiting for him, palm up. Remus laced their fingers together. Sirius frowned at his fingers.

“Just for now, sweetheart.”

“I don’t know,” Sirius sighed. He ran a hand through his hair, said something low and frustrated in French that Remus didn’t catch.

“Sirius,” Remus tugged him to a stop in front of the elevator. Sirius glanced down at Remus’ look of warning, but his jaw remained tight and defiant. "Don’t put this on yourself.”

“It’s not on me,” Sirius said. He jammed the elevator button and looked down at Remus. “It’s on them. And I’m going to make them see that.”

When they reached their floor, even the hallway was quiet, not to mention the eerily still locker room. Remus pushed the locker room door open first, and some of the boys looked up and straight at Sirius. Remus felt the way Sirius’ posture changed, shifting into his role, but his hand tightened around Remus’. He was scared. He wasn’t sure how to lead them, or where. Logan’s absence was in the air like mist. Leo and Finn were in their stalls, Logan’s empty one, a blaring light beside Finn. Leo was studying Sirius carefully, whereas Finn didn’t look up at all, just focused on the roll of tape he was wrapping a stick with as it went round and round. With a jolt, Remus realized he was wearing Logan’s necklace. He kept glancing at his phone, face-up in his stall beside him. Remus caught Leo’s eye, finally, but when he took one step forward, Leo shook his head minutely, sent him a shaky smile, and dropped his gaze, shadowed by the brim of his hat. He didn’t want to talk. Remus didn’t blame him.

“I already can’t take this. I’ll be right back.” Sirius didn’t exactly whisper and earned himself more than a few curious looks as gave Remus’ hand a squeeze before letting it go and banging back out into the hallway again, where the coaches offices were.

“Sirius,” Remus couldn’t help but hiss out, but he was already gone. Remus closed his eyes briefly. He turned back to the room and cast a quick glance around. Leo, Finn, looking like wrecks. Sullen faces. Pascal, tired eyes and watching Remus carefully.

“Hey, Loo.”

Remus looked and found, with relief, that Thomas was standing by the coffee cart. He tried not to walk over too quickly. Thomas looked sad, too, but really his face shared Remus’ worry more than anything else.

“I love our boy,” Thomas said, nodding into the direction Sirius had just left in. “But what the hell was that?”

“He thinks he can talk sense into…well.” Remus wasn’t even sure he should say it. “He thinks he can get Logan back.”

“Can he?”

They both turned to look at Finn, who was standing now, brown eyes alert, almost a little wild. Remus couldn’t stop glancing at Logan’s necklace around his neck.

“Can Sirius do something? Because if he can—”

“Finn,” Leo said quietly from behind him. He reached out for Finn’s sleeve but Finn pulled away.

“If he can, he should. If he has any pull, he’s gotta use it.” Finn’s voice was firm, fiery. “Logan belongs here—”

He was cut off this time, not by Leo, but by the door opening. Kota Takahashi walked through.

If the locker room had been quiet before, it was soundless now. Kota had an expression on his face like he regretted walking in, his footsteps slowing to a stop just inside the door. He looked at Finn, and Finn looked back, brown eyes hard. Remus was struck by how much he didn’t look like himself. He’d never seen Finn be anything but kind except on the ice, which was different. Now, Finn turned on his heel sharply, swiping his phone up out of his stall before brushing out of the room without a word.

Kota adjusted his bag over his shoulder uncomfortably. “Uh. Hey, guys.” His eyes found Kasey. “Winter.”

Kasey stood, a little awkward with one goal pad already strapped onto his leg, and reached out a hand. “How’ve you been, Kota?”

Their voices seemed loud in the room and Remus’ brain raced for something, anything to say. The two must have been on the Rangers together, and Remus opened his mouth to ask about it, when he remembered. The Rangers probably weren’t the best topic right now. God, it felt like they were all at open sea.

“Been all right,” Kota said. His eyes darted after Finn. “You know. Short flight, all that.”

“Right,” Kasey smiled, but it was shaky. “Well, welcome to Gryffindor. We should grab a drink tonight.” He looked at Remus. “Loops? T?”

“Hell yeah,” Thomas said and strode forward. His smile lit up the room, as usual. Remus all but felt some of the misty dimness subside. Thank God for Thomas Walker. “What’s up, man, welcome to the team. We’ll show you all the best spots. You like pool?”

Kota seemed to feel the tension ease, too, just a tad. “Absolutely, if you like losing.”

“Oh-ho,” Thomas laughed. “Well, if it’s me you’re challenging, that might be a good bet.” He jerked a thumb back at Remus. “But don’t go making words at this guy, he’ll flatten you with that table.”

Remus couldn’t help but smile at that. “Come on, T, he might be a secret champion, we don’t know. Hey, Kota, nice to meet you.”

Remus watched Kota look him over. He didn’t take it personally. He’d felt the same stares from across the ice. Guys were curious about him, and he knew that the rumors of favoritism or worse flew around the League. But Kota shook his hand and smiled easily.

“Nice to me you, Lupin. Where’s your other half?”

Remus narrowed his eyes a little, saw Thomas do the same. He thought it was kind of sloppy form when people they didn’t know in hockey referred to Sirius and his relationship rather than their professional roles. But he decided that Kota might mean nothing by it, might just be nervous.

“The Captain’s talking to Coach,” Remus replied.

Kota raised an eyebrow. “You always call him that?”

Remus crossed his arms. Two strikes. “When I’m in this room, that’s what he is.”

“You should probably call him that, too,” Thomas said, a little more friendly, tag-teaming with Remus’ cooler look. It worked, the read each other just like on the ice. Remus felt a flood of warmth because of it.

Kota, to his credit, looked taken aback. “I—oh, no, yeah, I…of course. I didn’t mean…” he looked at Remus, then at Thomas, then away and to his stall. “Um.”

Leo was sitting stiffly in his locker, staring at the place Finn had just been. Remus watched him blink once, twice, shoulders rising and falling in a sharp breath, before he stood and threw on a shaky smile.

“Hey, Kota, I’m Leo. Welcome to Gryffindor.” His accent seemed stronger from lack of sleep, Remus thought, the way Sirius’ got, too. His words drawled sweetly but Remus could see the effort it took. Leo wasn’t that much younger than him, but Remus suddenly felt a familiar swell of pride, the same he got for Julian sometimes. That smile of Leo’s must have been killing him.

“Hey, Knut, right?” Kota smiled. “Looks like we’re seat mates.”

“Looks like,” Leo nodded.

“Uh,” Kota glanced at Finn’s empty space. “Guess you guys’ll be missing Tremblay around here, huh?”

Leo went a little pale.

“Most,” Evgeni’s deep voice came, and he gave Kota’s shoulder a hard pat as he passed, headed for the ice. “We drink tonight. You impress.”

“That was an invitation, not a threat,” Jackson smiled appeasingly and shook Kota’s hand as he followed Evgeni. “Even though they always sound a little similar coming from him. See you out there.”

Kota sat down heavily in Logan’s seat, looking a little dazed.

“We miss him, yeah,” Leo said quietly from beside him. “But we’re real glad to have you.”

Finally, Remus thought when the locker room doors opened again. Some of the team had already made it out onto the ice as Sirius followed Coach back through the doors. Remus widened his eyes at Sirius a little, hoping where the hell have you been? came across clearly. Sirius looked back, eyes stormy. Obviously, he hadn’t been as successful as he had hoped.

Kota was on his feet again in a second, looking at Sirius the way they all did. Almost hungry, awe-filled and excited. I’m going to play with Sirius Black, he’d probably said to someone. His partner, maybe, or his parents. Sirius fucking Black.

“Takahashi,” Coach said. “How you doin’? These guys giving you trouble?” He looked back at Sirius when he said trouble and Sirius stuck his hands in his pockets.

“Uh,” Kota said, then laughed a little. “No?”

Coach arched a brow, smiling. “Yeah. You sound real sure about that.”

“C’mon, we’re all making plans!” Kasey said. “That’s all, Coach, that’s all.”

“Yeah? Well, why don’t you all plan to get your butts out on the ice in twenty, okay?”

“Yes, Coach,” Remus chorused with the rest of them, then gave Sirius an elbow to the ribs.

“Kota,” Sirius said, stepping forward. “How was your flight over?”

“Short,” Kota said again, a little breathlessly. “Hi. Captain.”

Sirius blinked, then began to smile. “Oh, uh, you can just call me Si—”

Thomas clapped loudly. “We gotta get to that ice, boys. Let’s go, Captain!”

Kota all but jumped back to his stall to get changed, and Remus tapped Sirius lightly on his back to get him to follow him away.

“Really?” Remus said when they were alone. “What the hell was that, walking away—”

“It’s one year,” Sirius said in a low voice to Remus. “It’s a one year contract, and it’s meant to get the Rangers into the playoffs this year. If the Rangers make the playoffs, we get two of their first round picks.”

“Well…” Remus sighed. “Okay. Now you know. But you’ve got a new player in there who, thanks to Finn, really already knows just how welcomed he is here and—”

“Well, management should know how important Logan is here,” Sirius cut him off. “Regarde—Look at the fans, even, it’s all over fucking Twitter, no one is happy. C’est—It’s a bullshit move.”

“All right, I know, I know,” Remus said, and stroked a hand up and down Sirius’ arm as Sirius rubbed at his eyes. “I know, baby. I miss him, too.”

“Sirius?” They looked up to see Finn there, half-dressed in his padding.

“What did they say?” Finn said. “I—look, if the Rangers don’t make the playoffs, maybe he can come back.”

Sirius looked at Finn quietly for a moment. “Maybe. But Finn…”

Remus reached into his pocket and touched his ring nervously. “Guys, we have no control over this.”

“We can keep them out of the playoffs by playing better,” Finn said flatly.

“That’s ridiculous,” Remus said. “We’re not the only two teams in the Met Division, Finn.”

“We could at least try—”

“Quoi, and we weren’t trying before?” Sirius snapped. “Go get dressed, Harzy.”

Finn looked like he wanted to argue, looked like it took some effort to turn back to the locker room. Remus looked up at Sirius.

“You okay?”

“Let’s just go,” Sirius sighed and then leaned down to kiss Remus’ temple. “See how Kota plays, I guess.”

“Be nice,” Remus said. “It’s not his fault.”

“I’m always nice,” Sirius said, a smile creeping onto his face.

“You’re intimidating,” Remus said, and leaned up for a light kiss.

“What happened with the Captain thing?” Sirius murmured into the kiss.

“Nothing,” Remus said. It wasn’t really a problem—if it was, then he’d tell. “Now, come on before Coach makes us do sprints.”

~

“We didn’t lose that game,” Percy was saying, beer in one hand, the other pounding on the bar table. “It ran away.”

Logan watched as Will snorted into his own glass. “That’s not how it works, Perc.”

The bar was loud and crowded, but Logan preferred it that way—at least while he was tucked into a booth between teammates. It was classic. Logan recognized it as one of Finn’s favorite places, all license plates and two dollar bills covering the walls. The booths were of red, cracked leather and there were softly buzzing neon signs on the walls that said things like Pabst Blue Ribbon, to NOQUITNY. They were recognized by almost everyone who walked in, but beside a few cheers and back slaps, they were left alone. Maybe that’s why the boys frequented this place so much. The beer pitchers were cold and the owner, a guy fondly referred to as Lenny who remembered Logan all the way back from college, had a tan, kind-eyed face that made Logan think of Pascal.

Logan checked the clock then took out his phone.

I miss you, he typed out. He wasn’t sure why that was easier to write than anything to Leo or Finn, but it was. Pascal replied immediately.

We all miss you very much, Logan. You’re playing so well!! Celeste wants to send you some things so get us your address when you can

And then, a second text: Also we’re taking you down in April

Logan clicked his phone off and ran a hand over his face. He realized that he was smiling. Dumo. God, he missed Dumo.

It felt almost like old times with Percy on his left and Will on his right. And there was Alex, who was a mean, trick-of-the-light version of Finn. Luke and Saint had joined, too, and he knew Fox and Miller and some of the other guys were around here somewhere. It was okay like this. He was okay like this. People talking around him. They were fresh off of another win that was bringing them closer and closer to the play-offs, which he knew was why he was here in the first place, even if it didn’t feel like those wins even belonged to him. The Rangers had been willing to let go of two first round picks for him. And he was playing well. Being met with the roar of Madison Square Garden was any little kid’s dream. But then he’d go home at the end of the day, after the adrenaline wore off, and he’d be alone again. Finn would call. Leo would text. But something in him just couldn’t face it.

Logan flashed a smile to Percy when their eyes met, but ducked his head down a little, taking a sip of his beer.

“No, no, no,” Percy was still on the old Harvard game they’d been talking about. “Wisconsin—those hits Wisconsin used to hand out were lethal and dirty. We could’ve stole it in penalty minutes but—”

“You do know how long ago that game was, don’t you?” Logan replied, hoping to get Percy to stop looking at him like that, like he could see right into Logan’s brain.

Alex scoffed. “Oh, like you ever forget a game, Tremzy.”

Logan let a small smile creep onto his face. He figured Alex remembered parts of Logan and Finn’s Harvard days as well as they did. Logan had all but lived at their New York place during the first part of their summers.

“I guess I don’t,” Logan said.

“Hey, when we play Gryf in a few weeks, we gotta get Harzy out with us,” Percy said. “I mean, c’mon, how fucking perfect is this? The gang’s back together. The O’Hara brothers, us—”

“We’re feeling real included right now, Perseus,” Saint piped in dryly.

Percy just laughed and stole Saint’s hat—which Logan was pretty sure had actually been on Luke’s head at the beginning of the night—and placed it over his thick blond curls.

“You can come, too!” Percy said. “Finn’ll get a real kick out of you.”

Logan couldn’t help but smile at that. He was right. Finn would like Saint. He was loud and sarcastic and had the locker room in stitches most of the time, even Logan. Even Luke, who seemed to spend most of his time scowling at anyone and anything—except Saint. Or, usually, especially Saint. Even now, he narrowed his eyes at Percy and snatched his hat back, but returned it to Saint’s head instead of his own.

The truth was, Logan missed Gryffindor more than anything…but he liked this team. They had the same tight-knit nature as the Lions did, looking out for each other off ice as much as on.

“Wonderful,” Saint rolled his. brown eyes. “I love being invited so people can get a kick out of me.”

Percy waved him off and slapped Logan on the back instead. “Tremzy, come get the next round with me, eh?”

Logan supposed that he did want another beer. He was feeling loose. Relaxed. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that way. It was like a bad headache had finally cleared up to a small ache behind the skull.

“Ouais,” Logan said. “Yeah, let’s go. Fries, too?”

“Fuck yes,” Luke said as he stretched out an arm along the back of the booth behind Saint. Logan’s eye caught on how his fingers brushed along the back of Saint’s neck, dipping below the collar of his t-shirt for a flash of a second.

Logan knew that move. He knew that move all too well. Half of Logan’s life was that move. When Saint saw him looking though, he didn’t flinch. He smiled, arching an eyebrow that was almost challenging. Yes? it said. And?

Logan followed Percy up to the bar.

“So,” Percy reached for one of the bowls of peanuts at the bar and popped a few into his mouth. His Star of David caught the light of some of the neon signs—bright blue and red. “What is it, are you and Harz not close anymore or something? Because, frankly, that’s hard to imagine.”

Logan felt his own eyebrows rise in surprise. “What?”

Percy shrugged, leaning on his elbows the way Logan was. It was nice to be around someone his own height for once. And Percy was just as scrappy. They made a good team with Alex as their center.

“Every time I bring him up, you, like…flinch or something, I don’t know.”

Logan straightened, flexing his wrists against the slightly sticky wood bar top. “I—no, we’re, y’know.”

“FinnAndLogan?” Percy smiled.

Logan laughed. “We’re really close.” He cleared his throat. “Guess I just miss him.”

“Been a while since you played without each other.”

Logan looked down, picking at a lone napkin that had a wet glass ring on it. It came apart easily in his hands. “Ouais.”

“Maybe us Harvard boys aren’t supposed to be apart, eh?” Percy said, and then stayed quiet for a while when Logan merely nodded. The bar tender was still busy, hung up with a crowd that looked like a bachelorette party. Percy tapped out a few different rhythms on the bar, reminding Logan that he played guitar. Logan had fallen asleep lots of nights to the soft, electric chords coming from the room below him in Harvard’s OKN house.

“I’m sorry, Tremz,” Percy finally said, more quietly. “You’ve been having kind of a hard time with this trade, haven’t you? I can see it. Morgy can, too.” Percy knocked their shoulders together. “We know you, man, don’t forget.”

Logan bit down on the inside of his cheek hard. “I’m okay. Hockey’s hockey.”

“Bullshit.” Percy leaned in. “I know it’s been a while between us, but I was there when Finn and Will graduated. It hit you harder than it hit me, and Will’s my best friend in the whole world.”

“I…” Logan said. He could feel himself drawing in. This was getting too close for comfort. “What do you…”

“I’m just saying I’m here for you,” Percy said, and finally the bar tender noticed them. He tapped Logan on the back. “And I know Morg and Hazard are, too. That’s all.”

“What can I get for you, gents?” the barman said.

“Another round, Mike,” Percy said, and with a pointed look at Logan, “And some fries.”

Logan gave him a shove and smiled, and just like that something eased again, right back into place. Logan didn’t have a lot of positive emotions associated with the phrase like no time passed at all, but he was more than happy to feel that way with Percy.

“C’mon,” Logan threw an arm around Percy’s shoulder. “I’ll kick your ass a bubble hockey.”

Logan looked around his new apartment as he closed the door, easy with a pleasant buzz. He felt good, with laughter left over in his mouth. The second the door closed behind him though, the quiet was so loud that it rang. He kept expecting something different, but it was always this. Quiet. The warm smell of beer and fries was left by the door as he hung up his jacket, like Leo would have wanted. He swallowed and tried to keep it with him. It had felt good to talk to Will and Percy again. Alex was as fun to be around as he always remembered. Saint had such wild stories that Logan wondered if he’d lived another life before hockey. Logan clung to it as he kicked his shoes off. He went to his electric kettle and flicked it on before opening the cupboard above it. It was bare except for a box of mint tea. This part felt okay, too, now. Methodical. Familiar. The kettle boiled and Logan drew another long breath in before letting it out again.

He was tossing his teabag when his phone began to ring. Finn’s face lit up his screen. It was a picture from Logan’s freshman year of college, Finn’s sophomore. Finn was slumped low in a library chair and looked exhausted, but happy. Logan wanted to kiss the purple beneath his eyes, wanted to touch the way his hood pushed his hair forward. Logan stared at it and stared at it until it went to voicemail. A text followed, almost immediately.

Night, Lo xoxoxoxoxoxoxo love you so much

The tears sprang up so fast that it actually pulled the corners of Logan’s mouth down a little, drew his eyebrows together. He blinked hard. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe Percy’s words from earlier, but the feeling from the bar—lighter, something beginning to ease off of his shoulders—disappeared with a snap. He missed them so fiercely it burned.

Hope the apartment is okay. Leo says not to leave your towels on the bathroom floor.

Logan definitely had left his towel on the floor, wet. He rubbed at his eyes, feeling hopeless at all of it all over again. Living alone. Being alone. Even at feeling okay. Was he really doing better if the feeling could vanish just like that?

Finn’s texts were nearly a steady stream. Logan didn’t reply. He wanted to. He could picture it. Went to your favorite spot tonight. Had Italian with the boys last night, Leo’s is better. He’d told him he needed time but he wasn’t sure Finn had completely understood. Not talking didn’t mean Logan wanted to be talked at. He wanted to grab Finn by the shoulders and shake him. And kiss him.

Please call, was the last thing Finn had said before he’d left. Please.

Maybe it was guilt that was eating at him, too.

Logan sipped his tea and leaned against the counter, staring around the space. The furniture wasn’t theirs. The refrigerator was take-out leftovers. Logan couldn’t look at anything without choking up. When he was alone, he had constant goosebumps but he couldn’t seem to shiver. Eventually, Leo’s text came, too. Leo, who was probably having trouble sleeping. And Logan wasn’t there.

Good game tonight <3 Leo’s text came in.

Neither of them pushed him to call or text back exactly, but the unspoken words were there. More imagined responses flitted through Logan’s head. I miss our midnight talks. God, he missed everything about Leo.

Logan held the phone to his ear and tried to will the lump in his throat away. The phone only rang once.

“Hi, Lolo,” Noelle chimed. “How’s the big apple treating you?”

Logan dropped to an elbow against his kitchen counter and inhaled a sharp, hitching breath. “Noelle…”

“Oh,” Noelle whispered. “God, Logan, hey…” she sounded like she was moving away from other people, closing a door. She switched to French. “I know. I know, Lo. Go ahead. You can cry, you’re all right. I’m right here.”

Logan pressed his forehead into the crook of his arm and fought away the tears. “It’s been—I need to be okay by now. I can’t do this, what if I can’t do this?”

“You can. Logan, you’re doing it, of course it’s going to take time.” Noelle had what Logan liked to think of as her big sister voice on. It wasn’t so different than her captain voice. “What do your boys say?”

Logan had known in making this call that he would run straight into that question. And he’d made the call anyway. Your boys. But they felt so far away.

“We haven’t talked.”

He was met by a silence that made him rub at his eyes fiercely. It brought spots to his gaze as he looked around the dim kitchen. A siren was whining down a street somewhere nearby.

“You haven’t…” Noelle began. “Logan.”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Logan sighed.

“First of all, you can’t even see me,” Noelle scoffed. “And second—Logan. What the hell?”

“I can’t.” Logan was surprised by how hoarsely he said the words. “Noelle, I…”

Logan grit his teeth against the fresh wave of tears that threatened, hung up the call, and dropped his face into his folded arms, willing himself not to cry. He ignored her both times she tried to call him back.

~

It was getting better, but not by much. Maybe this is what it was now, Remus thought. Back and forth, like any homesickness and grief. Springing between okay and not okay with only time to rely on to make it better. The next week felt like five. Remus could tell the coaching staff was noticing, too. Everything was stilted. Finn couldn’t make a shot—but Leo couldn’t seem to miss one. The fuel of Logan’s absence seemed to bring different things to different people. Sirius took breath away with insane angled shots, Finn delivered hits like never before, but he was scrappy about it. The littlest comment sent him off the rails, taking stupid penalty after stupid penalty. And then, Sirius would go in after, defending him. They played 4 on 3 more than Remus even wanted to think about. Still, they were winning games now. Six in a row so far and still running hot.

Remus stood by Leo’s goal when Coach blew the whistle between scrimmages at practice. He didn’t push, and Leo didn’t respond to his presence for a few long moments, but finally he let out a breath. Remus had a feeling he was holding it all in. Remus skated a little closer, watching as Leo shoved his mask up and took some water, then pushing it back down again. He traced another line around the crease.

“Do you know he stayed with Alex for a couple weeks, but he’s got his own place now?” Leo finally said, as if they’d been talking already.

“Oh?” Remus replied, trying not to sound too overly interested. “No, I didn’t. Sirius has tried to reach out, but…That’s nice. Do you have pictures?”

“No, he…” Leo chewed on his lip for a second. “He sent us, like, one text.”

Remus nodded, taking that in. He looked over to Finn, who was getting an earful from one of the assistant coaches. “What do you mean, ‘one text’?”

Leo looked down, tracing the blue crease of his goal with his stick. “Nothing. He…he won’t really talk to us.”

Remus’ heart sank. “You mean…since he left?” he asked softly. He had been so long.

“He warned us,” Leo added quickly, and kept his mask down. A barrier. A shield. “We’re not—like, we understand. Well,” he sent a glance towards Finn, now giving the coach back just as good. “I understand. But still. It’s been so long…and my birthday…”

Leo cut the word off halfway through, as if he wished he hadn’t said it. He gave his head a hard shake.

“Well, I thought he’d call, at least.”

“Oh, Nutty,” Remus said again. He couldn’t imagine getting traded and not calling Sirius the second he got to wherever he was going. “Well…I mean, I don’t know. Lo’s very…”

“Scared?” Leo supplied. “Stubborn?”

Remus bit his lip. “Well, I’d say give him time, but…” Three weeks was a long time to hear nothing. Even thinking about going that long without talking to Sirius made him want to shake the thought from his head.

“I know,” Leo’s voice came out frustrated, and he glanced up apologetically. “Sorry. Sorry, I don’t want to take any of this out on you.”

“It’s okay,” Remus said, skating closer. “Seriously, I won’t take anything personally. Especially not now. Especially when I think Finn just tried to take my head off with a shot.”

Leo’s expression seemed to get heavier. “He’s really not doing well. And I’m okay, but I…I get out three plates for dinner.”

Remus put his glove on Leo’s shoulder. “Aw, Leo…God, I’m so sorry.”

Leo just shook his head with a slight smile, blue eyes blinking away tears.

“I just wish…I do understand, I just…” He sniffed and jumped a little as Thomas called Remus over for face-off. “We’ll be okay.”

“I know you will,” Remus said. “But, like…it’s okay to hurt about it, you know? Or not understand. And…” Remus shrugged. “Maybe it’s okay to give Finn a piece of your mind.”

Leo actually laughed a little, then sniffed. “I think I’m getting there.”

Practice was a little brutal once Remus skated away. Finn nearly broke a stick as Leo blocked shot after shot of his, Sirius collected an even hat trick against Kasey, but it all finally came to a peak when Finn shook Remus up against the boards in a hard—and not entirely clean—hit.

“Fucking whoa,” Thomas called out, voice echoing in the empty stadium, just as Coach blew a shrill whistle that made all of them duck their heads.

“O’Hara!” Coach barked. “I see another hit like that in practice, I’m gonna sit you so hard next game you’ll put a hole in that bench!”

Remus rolled his shoulder out, glancing up at Finn’s stony expression. Finn didn’t reply, and didn’t so much as glance at Remus as he skated away—straight for the locker room, Remus realized. They still had fifteen minutes.

Remus heard the familiar sound of Sirius’ skating stop sharply next to him. His hair peaked out of his helmet in dark, sweat-slick strands and his eyes were wide, watching Finn retreat. “Loops. Merde, Re, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Remus said, putting a glove on his arm. “Just surprised me mostly.”

“Lupin?” Coach called out.

“I’m fine, Coach.”

“Yeah, he’s damn lucky you’re fine,” Thomas grumbled. “What the fuck. Season’s finished at this rate.”

“Don’t say that,” Remus began as Coach blew the whistle again.

“All right, I think we’ve all had enough for one morning. Hit the showers, boys. Be ready for video review later.”

Remus felt the tension thicken as the team skated off the ice. He looked up at Leo when he tapped his shin with his stick. His blue eyes looked almost mournful.

“Are you okay?” Leo asked. “I can’t believe…I don’t know why he…”

Remus made sure his smile looked real and not worried. “I’m okay. Really, I am.”

Leo didn’t look convinced, but he filed back down the tunnel with the rest of them in silence. That silence was only broken when they made it into the locker room to find Finn already half-undressed.

Before anyone could so much as mutter a word, Sirius had Finn by the straps of his chest padding, pushed up against the edge between his own and what was now Kota’s stall.

Remus had to bite his own tongue to keep from yelling Sirius’ name. He had to let him do this.

“You want to push your own team around?” Sirius all but growled. “That’s really what you want to do?”

Finn tried to shove Sirius away but he wouldn’t budge. Remus saw his eyes dart to Leo, but Leo had his eyes down, unstrapping his own padding. Remus guessed Leo thought Finn needed this, too. Kota looked a little wide-eyed, but kept his distance with the others.

“You’re just mad ‘cause it was Loops—” Finn shot back, and Sirius gave him another firm push.

“You know that’s not true,” Sirius said. “You’re taking stupid penalties in games, and you’re taking your problems out on everyone else like this whole situation isn’t effecting the rest of us, too. You’re not the only person in this room, and every person here fucking loves you. So stop acting like you’re alone. I’ve been there. It’s not true.”

And that was it. Sirius turned away to his own stall, placing his helmet down evenly and pulling his jersey over his head. Slowly, the others followed. Remus’ throat felt dry as he looked at Finn. His brown eyes were cast down and unfocused, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Remus began undressing slowly, too, but when Sirius headed towards change room, he jogged after him.

“Hey,” Remus said, catching him around the arm.

They were both sweaty, but when Sirius turned towards him and wrapped him up in his arms, Remus didn’t care. Maybe they both needed a moment away from it all, away from Kota, who was nice enough but a constant reminder of how heavy this season now felt without Logan. Away from Finn’s snapping remarks and Leo’s sad eyes. They needed a moment away from wondering how they were going to ever bring up their engagement. A moment away from feeling guilty about how damn happy they were.

“Was that too much?” Sirius asked, dropping a kiss to Remus’ head.

“No, he needed that,” Remus whispered. “All this just makes me think about…” He couldn’t even say the word trade. He was a player now, just like any other. Sirius wasn’t going anywhere but that didn’t protect him, nor should it.

“Non,” Sirius shushed him softly. “No, I wouldn’t let that happen.”

“It’s not up to you,” Remus pulled back to look at him.

“I’d go on strike.”

Remus let out a slight laugh. “No, you definitely wouldn’t.”

He felt Sirius smile against his temple. “Non, maybe not.” He wrapped Remus up tighter. “But we’d be okay.”

It was so close to what Leo had just said that Remus had to squeeze his eyes shut and let out a steadying breath through his nose. He looked up at Sirius, wanting a kiss. “I know we would be. But I’d want to call you every night, okay? Just so you know.”

Sirius leaned down, brushing their lips together. “I’d want to call you every hour.”

They jumped a little when Finn came around the corner and stopped dead, looking at them with wide eyes that quickly dulled. It was like he was making a bad habit of simply tucking the emotion away. He was fiddling with Logan’s necklace.

Remus felt Sirius pull away a little as guilt flooded him.

“Sorry,” Finn said, eyes down, and pushed around them to the showers.

“Merde,” Sirius breathed, looking after him.

“Tremz isn’t calling them,” Remus whispered. “At All Stars, you—baby, you got to get him to call them. I get not wanting to in the beginning, but I don’t think it’s helping anyone. Not anymore.”

Sirius frowned. “He’s not calling them? Why?” He nodded quickly when Remus just looked at him. “Okay, d’accord, you know what I meant. God…” Sirius pressed a soft kiss to Remus’ mouth. “Is that what brought this on?”

Remus bit his lip, then nodded.

“No wonder Finn’s so…God, maybe I was too harsh. I didn’t know that.” Sirius looked after the direction Finn had gone. Remus pressed his cheek to Sirius’ chest and felt him take a long, slow breath. “All right. Yeah, I’ll talk to him. I still think we can get him home.”

“Sirius, that’s not helpful for anyone right now,” Remus closed his eyes, holding him tighter. “Especially you.”

“But if I can convince—”

“You can’t,” Remus said. “Hey, listen to me, you can’t.” He pressed both of his palms to Sirius’ cheeks. “And, baby, you frankly shouldn’t be able to. You know those rumors flying around about you getting me this spot? Yeah, well, the Lions made a whole big thing about you not having any pull then, so they’re sure as hell not gonna give any to you right now.”

Sirius closed his eyes, which made him look sweet with his cheeks pressed between Remus’ palms. Remus had to lean up and kiss him again.

“I know,” Sirius whispered. “I just—he’s like my brother. But I know.”

“And maybe don’t fight with Finn again.”

“Then get him to stop tempting me.”

“I know,” Remus pressed up for another kiss. “Look, you’ll be at All Stars next week and all the guys will get a much needed break.”

Sirius’ fiery expression melted into a smile. “You’re coming with me to New York, you know that, right? I have plans.”

Remus wound his arms around Sirius’ neck. “Hmm, plans?”

Sirius smiled into their next kiss. “Plans.”

~

Leo watched Finn’s eyes dart to his phone every time the screen lit up. They had settled down on the couch to watch the All Stars opening red carpet. It all looked too bright, the commentator’s happy tones, the pump-up music. Leo had Finn tucked against his side—he’d finally stopped fidgeting, getting up and sitting back down again—but neither of them could deny that the couch felt empty. It had felt that way for three weeks.

The phone screen on the table lit up again, a news alert, and Finn’s body tensed as he leaned forward a little to check it.

“Sweetheart, I don’t think…” Leo began hesitantly, stroking Finn’s hair back from his face. They hadn’t talked about how practice had been going yet. They hadn’t talked about Sirius’ talk-down.

Finn just pressed himself harder into Leo’s side.

“You…you can’t be angry with him for not talking to us,” Leo whispered. “He’s—we all have to just…deal with this, and if that’s how he’s—”

“Yeah, I got it,” Finn said shortly, and pushed himself up from the couch. “I’m going for a run.”

“You shouldn’t,” Leo sighed, closing his eyes. “Baby, it’s dark—first of all—and second, we had a tough practice today and we have a game tomorrow.”

“Well, I’m going to,” Finn was already tugging his shirt over his head.

“No, Finn,” Leo said and stood. “No, you’re not. Tomorrow, fine, at morning skate, but no, not right now. You need to rest. Plus, the show’s about to start.”

“I don’t know if I want to watch him interviewed,” Finn mumbled as he disappeared into the bedroom.

Leo looked back at the TV. Truthfully, there was nothing Leo wanted more than to catch a glimpse of Logan walking down the red carpet, or suiting up in the All Stars locker room beside Sirius. Anything. He’d take anything, he missed Logan so bad it hurt.

“Finn,” he sighed, and pushed himself up from the couch. He’d expected to have to pry the running shoes out of Finn’s hands, but when he got to the bedroom, Finn was just sitting on the bed, elbows on his knees. The position made Logan’s fleur-de-lis swing lightly from his neck. Leo stared at it. Sometimes, when he couldn’t sleep and Finn was, as usual, soundly full under, he’d reach out and touch it where it rested against Finn’s chest, or, if he was on his side, against the mattress. It didn’t exactly put him to sleep, not with the lump it brought to his throat, but it helped all the same.

Leo took another step towards the bed. “Finn—”

“At All Stars, we could’ve—” Finn said suddenly standing back up. “What’s that all about? That’s not a fucking phone call that’s too hard to deal with. We’d be there. We’d be there in the fucking hotel room with him, all together, why doesn’t he—” Finn’s voice broke and his bare shoulders seemed to curl down a little. He pressed his hands over his face and Leo pushed forward, putting his hands on Finn’s waist, trying to steady him. Finn was shaking his head, brow pinched. “Why doesn’t he want us there, I…I don’t…”

“You know that’s not true,” Leo said. His voice wavered and he fought to control it. “You know he wants us there, it’s just—put yourself in his shoes. It would be torture. Finn, it would be torture, for me at least, to know that you two were together and I wasn’t there. God, I hate it, too, but I get it. It’s horrible but I get it.”

“I’d want a week with you!” Finn said. “And not to mention your fucking birthday like—at least then he should—I would’ve fucking—”

“Well, Logan’s not you,” Leo said, more firmly than he’d meant to, but, God, Finn was so sad, so angry, all the time. It was getting to Leo, too. His birthday. Leo crossed his arms over his chest and took a step back. “You’re the only one here who’s had to leave the others before and I…” Leo pressed his lips together, sniffing. He closed his eyes and took a breath. “Look, you don’t have to watch, but I really want to see him, so…join me, don’t join me. Whichever.”

And he turned back towards the living room.

It only took a few minutes for Finn to walk back into the living room and stand uncertainly by the couch until Leo lifted the blanket for him. He let out what sounded like a relieved sigh and tucked Leo into his side this time, pressing a gentle kiss to his temple.

“I love you,” Finn whispered. “God, Le, I love you. I know I’ve been…”

Leo rubbed a hand over Finn’s chest, his soft t-shirt and the bump of the pendant, but didn’t take his eyes away from where they were showing Logan and Sirius, standing beside each other on the red carpet. They weren’t smiling exactly, but their shoulders were close. Leo swallowed. He would have given anything for the three of them to be sitting on this couch right now.

“I love you, too,” he whispered, and tilted his head to rest against Finn’s shoulder just as the camera zoomed in close to Logan.

“He looks—” Finn said quietly, voice breaking off. “Oh, Lo…”

They both leaned forward. Logan’s cheeks looked a little sunken. He had darkness beneath his eyes. He had his hands deep in his pockets and his brown waves of hair were free and tussled. His green eyes darted around, like they couldn’t settle. Leo pressed a hand to his chest. He’d never seen Logan look like that. Almost frail, the pink of his cheeks tender. Had he been working himself too hard? Had he been sleeping?

“No,” Finn whispered, and pushed up again, hand rubbing the back of his neck. “No, I can’t watch this.”

Leo faintly heard their bedroom door close, but he felt frozen there on the couch, knowing Logan couldn’t see him but somehow silently begging him to look at him, to know he was there.

~

They hadn’t said anything at first. Logan had requested they wait to see each other, really see each other, until the first day’s opening events were done, and, really, Sirius didn’t want cameras around, either. One moment Sirius had been standing in Logan’s hotel room doorway and the next they were hugging. It was such a relief, when Logan started speaking French. Sirius was so choked up right now he wasn’t sure he felt like managing English. It felt like it had hugging Regulus again. He didn’t want to lose another brother.

“Tremz,” Sirius whispered. “Merde…”

“I can’t believe this,” Logan breathed as they pulled away. His dark green suit looked brighter against the ugly red carpet of the hallway. “God, Cap—I mean…”

“Don’t you dare stop calling me that,” Sirius said. “Fuck, nothing’s the same without you. I can’t tell you how hard it’s been.”

“Come in,” Logan all but pulled him in and shut the door. He thought of Remus a few doors down. He’d almost asked him to come, but something in Sirius was thinking of last year’s All Stars and how it had been Logan to talk some sense into him. He wanted it to be just the two of them for now.

“Tell me,” Logan said, and Sirius’ heart hurt at the strained note of pleading in his voice. “Please. I just—just tell me.”

“It’s…” Sirius began haltingly. How in hell was he supposed to tell him about Finn? “Well, Leo is… But Finn…” Sirius didn’t know how to say it. “Finn’s not doing so well right now.”

Logan’s green eyes were big and almost terrified. “And—Leo?”

“Hides it better, but I keep find him just staring at your stall. I can’t imagine…I mean, when he’s at your home…”

“And Kota?”

Sirius tilted his head, grimacing a little. “Kota seems nice enough. But Finn’s being a real ass, I’m not going to lie.”

Logan blinked and Sirius almost felt bad for bringing it up, but part of him knew Remus was right. Logan needed to know. “To Leo even?”

“To everyone.”

“He’s upset with me. Him more than Leo, I think,” Logan bit his lip, ran his hand through his hair. “I told them not to come this week.”

“Ouais…I know about that.” Sirius nodded. “Why—”

“Are they angry?”

Sirius hesitated before answering. “Well, I think you have to do what’s best for you right now.”

“That’s not an answer,” Logan sighed. “Cap, I…I just…” Logan shook his head, eyes on the floor. “I just started, like, being hungry even. Sleeping through the night. Seeing them, spending a week with them…I don’t think it would be…good. Not now. Merde, I love them, but I don’t want to lose my appetite when I’m not with them.”

Sirius sat down slowly on the bed, rubbing his palms together. “I understand. Really, Tremz, I get it.”

“Then what?” Logan sighed.

Sirius shook his head. “Nothing, I just…”

“Non, I know that look, you’re not saying something.”

Sirius couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Well, first, I’m proud of you. I can’t imagine how hard this has been. Oh, and don’t let me forget I have some cookies from Celeste for you. Apparently Katie packed her backpack, said she was coming with me to see you.”

“Oh,” Logan just offered a shaky smile. “Katie…”

It was the same smile Logan had been giving on the carpet all day, to the cameras and fans. Today had been an exhausting one, but Sirius knew that he’d be feeling a whole lot worse right now if Remus hadn’t been by his side through it, holding his hand.

“Second,” Sirius said. “How the hell are you playing so well while feeling like all that?”

Logan blew out a breath and sat down, too. “I can either get Coach Gallant to give me more minutes or sit on the bench and feel sorry for myself. And…” Logan sighed, voice smaller. “Who knows, you know? It’s a one year contract and if they want me for a playoff run and I help get it for them…maybe I’ll have a little more say next time.”

Sirius winced. “That’s a pretty big gamble. But that’s also what Finn said.”

“Really?” Logan asked. “Oh.”

“He’s really not doing well,” Sirius said again. “I…”

Logan waved him on. “Just tell me, Cap.”

Sirius huffed out a laugh. “I’m that obvious?”

“Always have been,” Logan shrugged. “Well. Not always, I guess.”

Sirius took another breath. “I know you aren’t calling them.”

Logan shrunk into himself a bit then, and Sirius felt guilty but not enough to back down. Logan looked away.

He had lost a little weight, Sirius had noticed on the carpet. Not enough to be very noticeable, but Sirius had spent hours and hours with Logan. His cheeks looked a little sharper. His lips were chapped, eyes tired.

“Cap…” Logan shook his head.

Sirius put a hand on Logan’s knee. “Tremz, I know how it was with you and Finn. I’ll never feel what you two felt, I know that, and it must have been so, so horrible, but have you…have you thought about how this doesn’t have to be all or nothing in the way that Harvard was?”

Sirius felt Logan hold himself very still. Sirius was being truthful when he said that he couldn’t imagine what Finn and Logan must have gone through. He’d only truly fallen for Remus when they’d started seeing each other. To feel the way he did about Remus for years and not be able to do anything…he couldn’t begin to imagine.

“Is Loops with you?” Logan asked.

Sirius sighed a little at the topic change but nodded. “Yeah. We thought we’d make a trip of it. Together.”

Logan shot him a look. “Did you kick him out of this talk?”

Sirius laughed. “A little, yeah.”

Sirius paused. He thought of the ring that sat prettily on Remus’ finger. They’d been so dead-set on not rubbing the news into the Cubs’ faces, but maybe…maybe it wouldn’t hurt. Maybe it would help. For Sirius, marrying Remus was the ultimate sign that life, hard and brutal sometimes, worked out.

“Tremz,” Sirius began, and ran a hand through his hair. He wished now that he’d taken the time to change out of his suit. It felt too hot and tight. Logan looked back at him expectantly. He really did look so tired. It made Sirius want to tuck him into his side. God, he hoped this was the right thing to say right now.

“I finally did it,” he said, and Logan tilted his head for a moment before his eyes widened. “I asked Remus to marry me.”

“You did?” Logan said breathlessly. “You finally—the ring?”

Sirius laughed. “I completely forgot about the ring actually.”

Logan laughed, too, reached out and gripped Sirius’ hand, then he blinked and a tear fell. He curled into himself a little. He touched his own wet cheek. “Oh, sorry, I—Oh.”

Sirius felt himself tearing up to. “Don’t you cry, I’ll cry.”

Logan nodded, and then he didn’t seem to be able to speak. He buried his face in his hands. His next breath was a sob.

“Hey,” Sirius said softly. “Tremz, hey…” He squeezed Logan’s hands. “No, I…I’m sorry, I thought it might help to see that things do work out and—”

“Non, I’m so happy for you—I’m sorry—”

Sirius didn’t know what to do but sit there and let Logan squeeze his hands so hard that it hurt a little.

“We were going to come out,” Logan’s words were all tangled up with tears. “We decided—maybe an hour before I got the call.”

“You were—” Sirius felt his heart lurch. A moment later Logan was sort of listing to one side and Sirius pulled him in against his chest. “Oh my god. Oh God, Logan…”

“I wanted to,” Logan cried, clutching at Sirius’ suit jacket. “I finally wanted to and then…”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said through tears in his throat. He felt Logan’s seeping through the thin cotton of his shirt. “That’s not going to be the last time you want to. Don’t worry about that, Lo, don’t worry.”

“I miss them so bad,” Logan said. “I miss them.”

“Call them,” Sirius said, and realized he was pushing his fingers through Logan’s hair, the way he did with Remus. It felt right with the way Logan leaned into it. “Logan. You know them. I know it’s hard, but you know them. They love you so fucking much. Do you really think seeing their faces, hearing their voices, will be harder than this?”

“I don’t know,” Logan said. “Saying goodbye was so horrible, I…”

“That’s because you’re acting like you’re never going to see them again. It’s a three hour drive or something. You can do that in a day off. It’s not the best, but you can. You can.”

Logan let out a breath and sat up. He wiped at his eyes, dark eyelashes clumped together with tears, and looked at Sirius. “Ouais…” He wiped at more fresh tears. “Ugh. I’ve never cried so much in my life.”

Sirius ruffled Logan’s hair again and then let them sit for a few minutes. He reached up and loosened his own tie, then did the same for Logan, who sent him a grateful look.

“Sorry about your shirt.”

“I could care less about this shirt,” Sirius said, and looked at Logan’s bare throat. “Gave Finn your necklace.”

Logan just nodded and touched where the missing piece would have hung. He sat up a little straighter, scrunching his nose a little, blocked up. “Is Loops just waiting for you?”

“He can entertain himself,” Sirius laughed, and put a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “You’re really important to us, Tremz.”

Logan cracked a smile. “Does he want to watch a movie with us?”

“Absolutely.”

Logan’s smile reached his eyes this time, which he gave another firm rub. “All right. I’m going to get out of this suit.”

“Ouais, me too.” Sirius had one hand on the door when Logan’s phone lit up. Finn, Sirius could see. A picture that looked like it was from Harvard. Finn looked much more like Alex now.

“Want me to give you a bit?” he asked carefully.

When Logan didn’t reply right away, Sirius shut the door again. They watched the phone ring out together.

“D’accord,” Sirius sighed. “Meet up in ten?”

Logan was quiet for a long moment. Sirius watched his eyes dart to the clock, then away. Finally, he straightened. “Non. You two go enjoy yourselves. I have something I need to do.”

Sirius’ chest flooded with relief. “Okay.” He slapped Logan’s shoulder. “Good.”

~

Finn couldn’t help himself anymore. Leo was in the shower, water loud, and Finn pressed his phone harder against his ear.

“Hi,” he whispered to Logan’s voicemail. He’d not yet left a message. He couldn’t help it. Maybe it was seeing him, and not just on Youtube in a press interview (which he and Leo had been watching maybe too many of), but seeing a live feed of Logan walking and talking to other people. How tired he’d looked, how lonely. “Lo, I…I know you said you couldn’t—“

Finn had to stop for a moment, get his breathing under control. He didn’t want to cry. He was so tired of crying, of feeling this way.

“But I need…I can deal with you being in New York. I—I can do that, I really can, but I can’t do this again. I can’t do the silence again, please, please, please…”

His breathing hitched and he covered his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I said I wouldn’t do this, but please call us. It’s just—so hard like this, Lo, it’s so hard—”

His nose was running horribly. Leo would know immediately he’d been crying but Finn wanted nothing more than to sink into Leo’s arms after this.

He let out a long breath. “God, I’m sorry. I love you. Fuck, don’t listen to this, okay—”

He hung up and tossed the phone onto the bed, resting his head back against the pillows. He shouldn’t have done that. Logan had asked him not to do that, not to do any of what he’d been doing. But when he’d left Harvard, Finn hadn’t said a thing after that single, horrible phone call and it had been hell. How much deeper could they sink? Apparently some ways.

He listened to Leo humming softly to himself for a moment before pushing himself up from the bed and cracking the door to the steamed up bathroom.

Le? Can I come in?” Finn asked over the steam, and he saw Leo’s silhouette freeze at the sound of his blocked up nose.

“Oh, sweetheart, of course,” Leo said. “C’mere.”

The second Finn was undressed and stepping onto the wet tile he was taking Leo into his arms.

“I called him, I’m sorry…”

“Finn—” Leo began, holding him tight. “No, it’s okay, it’s okay.”

It felt good, just to breathe each other in, skin on skin. Finn ran his hands up and down Leo’s back, just as Leo did the same for him. He took a deep breath, gathering himself, and leaned back to look at Leo. He pushed his blond hair away from his eyes.

“I’m such an asshole—”

Leo shushed him gently, pressing three gentle fingers over his mouth.

“I just want to hold you, okay?” Leo said. “And I want you to hold me.”

Finn loved him. Finn loved him so much. He nodded, and let Leo tuck his face back into his neck, pressing him close beneath the shower’s warm spray.

~

Sirius shut the door to his and Remus’ room in New York and sat down heavily on the bed. He brought Remus’ hand up to his mouth and kissed where he had replaced his engagement ring. Sirius didn’t like it, but it probably was for the best that he’d taken it off for the red carpets. At least for now, until they told the team officially.

“I think he’s going to call them,” he said, and Remus’ shoulders visibly loosened.

“Yes. Good Logan.”

“Yeah,” Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus’ waist. “Re, they were going to come out.”

Remus’ eyes widened and he dropped his forehead to Sirius’ shoulder. “Oh my god. Aw, Leo…I knew there was something else he wasn’t saying. Oh my god, I can’t even imagine…and when Logan was asking me about it…”

Neither of them found more words, just sat on the cool hotel sheets. Remus started twisting his ring around his finger at one point and Sirius watched the flash of the diamond as it came round and round again.

“Okay,” Sirius said, and pressed a kiss to Remus’ temple. “I love Logan, I miss him, but right now I’ve had a camera in my face all day and we deserve to celebrate,” Sirius tugged Remus closer. “I’m going to start us on our Pre-Wedding Honeymoon New York City Itinerary.”

Sirius took delight in nothing more than the smile that slowly broke over Remus’ face.

“Oh?”

“Mhm,” Sirius said, and pressed a gentle kiss to Remus’ mouth. “Get your coat.”

“My coat?” Remus laughed. “It’s like eleven at night!”

“What, there’s no where to go at night? Come on, allez.” He pulled Remus up and right into another kiss. “I’ve been thinking so much about Tremz, of course I have, but…” Sirius sighed. “All I want to think about is you.” He let his next kiss linger. “You and you and you.”

“Hmm,” Remus’ smiled. “Where are we going?”

Sirius pressed the words into his mouth along with kisses. He tucked Remus up against his body and turned them in a slow circle. “Dancing.”

Remus’ laugh was light. “Sirius Black is taking me dancing?”

“He is,” Sirius smiled into another kiss. “And he can’t wait.”

If Sirius had learned anything from his life so far, it was to seize the moment he was in. Worry would always be there. Problems were never in short supply. But he had Remus blushing with excitement and looking for their room key and his shoes. He was going to grab onto that and keep it close.

~

Leo hadn’t needed anything for his birthday, really. Finn had tried so hard that night, but neither of their hearts were really in it. They’d had dinner out at Leo’s favorite restaurant, and Leo had thought Finn looked so good. In another version of this night, he’d have them skip dessert entirely so he could take Finn home. But both of them had been waiting for a call from Logan that had never come. They had skipped dessert at the restaurant, if only because Finn knew Leo didn’t really like the attention public birthday candles brought. Instead, once they were both in their pajamas, Finn had brought out a perfect slice of chocolate coconut cake from the bakery down the street, a single candle in it, and kissed his cheek and neck in bursts while Leo tried to blow it out and laugh at the same time. They’d read their books with their feet tangled. They’d had a game the next day, and it had been a good night considering that they were both sore and jumping every time their phone lit up. In the end, Leo had pulled Finn to bed and made himself small against Finn’s warm chest. Finn had rubbed his back until they’d both fallen asleep.

Leo didn’t mind. What he did mind was staring up at the dark bedroom ceiling for what felt like the thousandth night in a row. It was somewhere closer to two in the morning now and Leo rubbed at his eyes, frustrated. He needed to sleep. God, he needed to sleep so bad. Finn had been tracing patterns across his back for a while, but he’d long since fallen asleep and rolled onto his other side.

He played back each glimpse they’d had of Logan on the TV. His green suit they’d picked out. He’d looked gorgeous in it. So gorgeous. Leo sighed and rolled onto one side, watching Finn’s back rise and fall beneath his t-shirt. His hair was still a little damp from the shower and Leo reached out to stroke the soft red strands at the base of his neck a few times. God, he was so tired. He was playing so well, though, it didn’t make any sense. They were finally winning games, and Twitter was giving some sort of weird, superstitious credit to shaking the team and lines up. Leo wanted to through his phone across the room more often than not.

He closed his eyes. They felt so heavy, dry with strain, but his body wouldn’t rest. He’d end up listening to his own heartbeat pound in his ears, or counting the soft freckles across Finn’s neck. He was scooting closer to Finn, softly fitting their bodies together again in hopes that it would help, when a sound from the living room made him freeze.

It was the scratch of keys in the door. The bolt opening. Leo tensed, lifting his head, wide awake now. His first thought was some sort of thief, but as the door opened and someone let out a breath, the telltale sound of keys being dropped into the bowl by the door made him sit up sharply. Finn always forgot about the bowl, no matter how many times Leo pointed it out to him. His keys ended up anywhere but that bowl Leo had put there. Couch, counter, bathroom, sheets.

But Logan. Logan had worked hard to make Leo happy and put his set there beside Leo’s, ready to be found again.

Leo realized he was shaking a little as he hurriedly pushed the covers off and stood, listening hard. Had he imagined it? He looked towards Finn’s sleeping form, but he didn’t want to wake him up if it was nothing. God, what if it was nothing, and Leo was standing there like some love-sick maniac, imagining Logan…But there was definitely someone in the living room. Leo took slow steps, pushing the bedroom door open slowly. There was more rustling. A suitcase rolled to a stop. A phone clicked off and was put on the counter. Shoes were toed off. Logan’s shoes. His keys might stay put, but his shoes ended up in two different rooms. Leo was always finding them and matching them back together by the door, socks, too.

Leo stepped out of the bedroom, took one step, two, three—

And there was Logan, standing by the kitchen counter, green eyes catching the light of the city outside. Leo’s heart gave a hard, lurching thud as they stared at each other.

“I was trying to be quiet,” Logan whispered and, God, his voice. Leo had all but clung to each word he’d heard Logan say in the interviews on TV. But that was nothing compared to hearing it here, now, scratched with tiredness and emotion. He was wearing a thick Rangers sweatshirt and gray sweatpants. Leo wanted to press the two of them together until they were one.

Leo couldn’t help it, he broke into a smile, eyes filling. “I was awake already.”

“You were?” Logan asked, eyes going sad, and dropped his bag onto the floor. He was looking at Leo almost greedily, body edging forward.

“What…did you drive all the way here?” Leo said, wiping at his eyes. There was so much space between them, and Leo was dying to close it, but he wanted to let Logan make the first move. He needed Logan to make the first move.

“Ouais,” Logan said. “I’ll get a fine for missing the skills competitions tomorrow, but…” He took a step forward. “I think I can afford it.”

“I’d give them triple if it meant having you here.”

Logan’s brows knit. He had been twisting his sweatshirt in his hands, but he let it go now, reached out a palm. “Le…”

And then the distance was closed and they were clutching each other. Leo felt a laugh bubble up inside him and mix with his tears. He turned his face into Logan’s hair and inhaled. “Hi. Hi, sweetheart. Lo…”

Logan was up on his toes, arms pulling Leo down to wrap around his neck, fingers in his hair, while Leo gripped his strong shoulders.

“I was so wrong,” Logan whispered.

Leo just shook his head and held him tighter. “It doesn’t matter now. I just need you to kiss me.”

Logan didn’t hesitate. He barely pulled away to press their mouths together hard. He stroked his tongue along Leo’s bottom lip lovingly. Leo let his teeth scrape gently against Logan’s, opening to him, needing the closeness, the warmth. He pressed his palm to Logan’s cheek and kissed him until he couldn’t breathe.

They panted softly into the quiet space of the living room.

“Do I have Sirius Black to thank for this?” Leo whispered.

“He told me to call you,” Logan replied. “I thought I could do better than that, since we technically have almost a week off.”

“God,” Leo laughed and wrapped Logan up again. “I’m so—I’ve been sick to my stomach thinking of you all alone.”

Logan clung to him. “I was worried it was just me.”

“Of course it wasn’t, you—dummy.”

The word startled a laugh out of both of them. Logan made a soft, low sound as Leo cupped a palm to the back of his neck, another to the small of his back.

“I’m not alone,” Logan said, pressing a kiss to the underside of Leo’s jaw. “Alex was so good to me, and Morgy and Perc…but then I’d go to sleep at night and I just…” He pressed himself into Leo harder, as if he could soak up all of his warmth. He lifted his nose into Leo’s neck, breathing him in.

They stood there, swaying slightly, in the middle of the apartment. Logan still had the cold February air clinging to him and Leo was determined to warm him up through and through.

“It’s so good to be home,” Logan whispered, and while Leo knew that it was his first time back in the apartment, the way Logan squeezed his shoulders let him know that Logan was talking about him. Logan pulled back and smiled up at him, wiping his thumbs gently beneath Leo’s eyes.

“You should go wake Finn up,” Leo smiled, feeling a little giddy at the thought of Finn’s face. “God, Lo, I’m so happy you’re here. He’s going to be so happy.”

Logan paused and Leo saw actual worry pass over his face. “Are you sure? Cap said that he’s been…”

Leo just shook his head and smiled. “I know. And he has been, but…come on.” He laced his fingers through Logan’s. “It’s you. It’s us. Come on.”

They crept back into the dark bedroom and Leo flicked on the dim lamp on his side of the bed as Logan sat down carefully on Finn’s side. It washed the room in a glow that finally felt warm again. Leo felt choked up all over again at the fact that the three of them were all in the same room once more. The bed felt softer, the light like a cocoon. He studied Logan as he frowned at the furrow in Finn’s brow, even in sleep, and the purple beneath his eyes. For a moment, it felt like Logan had never left. He sent Leo a soft smile before putting a hand on Finn’s back through the worn-out Harvard t-shirt he was wearing, rubbing gently. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Finn’s temple that was so tender it made Leo ache.

“Mon rouge,” Logan whispered. “Wake up. I love you, wake up.”

Finn stirred a little, and the crease between his brows deepened before relaxing into sleep again. His fingers fisted his pillow and he turned his face into it, making a soft sound. Leo realized he thought he was dreaming. He sat down on the bed, scooting close to Finn’s sleeping form and smiled at Logan, nodding for him to to try again.

“Harzy. Harzy…” Logan dropped his forehead to Finn’s shoulder. “Wake up, I missed…” The words cut off and Leo watched Logan swallow down his emotion. “Finn.”

Finn stirred again, lips parting, and then he stilled at the feeling of Logan’s cheek against his shoulder, his breath against his neck.

Without opening his eyes, Finn asked, voice sleep-coarse, “Is this real?”

Logan let out a soft laugh—Leo’s favorite laugh—and pressed a kiss to Finn’s shoulder, then his neck, then his cheek. “Ouais, mon amour, open your eyes.”

But Finn still didn’t, just allowed his hand to find the back of Logan’s neck, the other between his shoulder blades, and pulled him down against his chest.

“Lo,” Finn breathed, and turned his face into Logan’s neck.

“It’s me,” Logan whispered, and Leo had to hook his cheek over Finn’s shoulder, then, hand on his hip. Logan pressed another series of hard kisses to Finn’s cheek, to Finn’s tears falling there. “Shh, c’est moi.”

Leo smiled as Logan’s words dissolved into gentle French, then began to cry, too, when Finn did.

“I’m sorry,” Finn said through hitching breaths. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

“No apologies,” Logan whispered, and cupped Finn’s cheek. “Remember? Please, open your eyes…”

Finn rubbed a palm over the for a moment, like he was still scared it was all going to disappear, before finally letting his eyes flutter open to look at Logan. The brown of them looked so warm in the light that Leo had to duck to kiss his jaw.

“Surprise,” Leo whispered.

Finn just reached up and traced a finger along Logan’s neck. “Did you know, Le?” He asked Leo.

Leo shook his head as Logan kissed Finn’s fingers, shifting so that more of his weight pressed against Finn’s chest. He touched his fleur-de-lis around Finn’s neck.

“I didn’t even know until a few hours ago.” Logan turned and kissed Finn’s palm, too, when it pressed to his cheek. “I hope it’s a good surprise.”

“I should punch you for thinking it wouldn’t be,” Finn said, and made a fist and gave the Rangers logo on Logan’s sweatshirt a light bump. But then his hand flattened, pressed right over Logan’s heart. Finn looked over at Leo and then he was grinning, wide, eyes crinkled at the corners. “Got our boy back, Le.”

“We did,” Leo laughed, and bent down to meet Finn’s mouth when he tilted his chin up.

“Come here,” Finn said, and all but heaved Logan into the middle between them, startling a laugh out of him. “Come here right fucking now.”

Leo wrapped his arms around Logan’s waist and pressed his lips to his neck just as Finn brought Logan into a hard kiss. Leo felt Logan’s soft sound vibrate against his lips and Logan reached back to hold Leo there.

“We missed you,” Finn breathed. “Baby, we missed you so much.”

“I know,” Logan said, green eyes bright. “Me too.”

Leo threw his leg over Logan’s hip, could see Finn tangle his and Logan’s ankles together.

“Oh,” Logan let out a long, relieved sigh and tilted his head back into the pillows, closing his eyes. “This is all I’ve wanted.”

Across Logan’s shoulder, Leo met Finn’s eyes. Finn reached out and cupped his cheek. I love you he mouthed, and Leo kissed his wrist.

“Sleep, Lo,” Leo whispered. “We’ve got all week.”

And they slept, curled together, with no alarm to wake them in the morning.

[makingspiritualityreal]

The Planetary Dynamic of Existing Within Society

Some of the older social customs practiced by our ancestors that we have since forgotten in modern tradition give a much better example of functioning of the planets. Through my education I have had the luck to observe these dynamics enough to understand, and now explain the reflection of the functioning of the planets. Mind you, this description of the Planets differs from the traditional Nakshatra cycle, it’s simply my observation translated from my reflections in my second native language. I give these reflections a semi temporal dimension but truly many of the skills mentioned are learned simultaneously and not only in childhood but throughout life, especially if the given planet is afflicted and its results end up being delayed or distorted.

Coming into this world, we first encounter the sensorium, the Moon. The toddler, the infant, our primal connection and responsiveness to the world, nature and people around us. First playing with colors, toys, fairy tales, images, bedtime stories. That is why the Moon is also such a powerful planet when dealing with the masses, or human psychology because it has the power to tap into the basic instinctual nature of mankind, and generate a collective wave of approval based on these eternal instincts.

The moment we gain basic awareness with the Moon, we move on to Mars. The moment we step off our Mother’s lap, we do it for a reason, we do it because we have a goal, and we need to be ready to defend our basic survival in this world when we encounter opposition on our path. This is not yet the time to interact with society at a larger scale, but more so the primal development of our first responses of self defense and self assertion. This is when the child starts saying “No” and enters into first altercations in the local sandpit. Facing the external world unprotected for the first time is always a battle, and so our children always come back with many cuts and bruises in their formative years. The first dharmic planet of the idea of our sense of identity is a difficult one to handle, a lonely battle, as we have nothing but our own soul to support us in our internal ideas.

Then, as the first shock of our collision with the world away from parental safety passes, our Mercury activates. We pick up our pen and struggle to write over and over again until we succeed. We learn our lessons and memorise our numbers. We try and make mistakes and make progress doing so.

These three planets make up the basics of early years of our lives, as we use them as our toolset. The breakthrough moment for a young person, especially a young woman, traditionally was the moment of “entering into society”. That moment is when through our Venus we activate Rahu. It is the day when our elders and caregivers have decided that after years of trial and error and polishing our skills (Venusian fiery process of shedding crudeness), we have acquired enough refinement to enter the external world in full bloom, not just in our limited circle.

Coincidentally, it was also a signal that a Young New addition to society was eligible for a marriage union, and soon expected to be socially joined within that union, an act also ruled by Venus. Venus trains and waits in shadows and secrecy (Saturn, our elders protecting us) to use its fiery passion to polish its skills, being fully aware that the Gaze of Society, the eyes of people will be there to comment on us and judge us (Rahu) the moment we step out of hiding. Saturn protects us from Rahu by assuring that we’re held back from peoples gaze long enough until we acquire enough objective merit to not be easily swayed by any potential external judgment. It is the difference between being judged based on an unimportant passing fad, or being ridiculed because of actual deficiency of skill, both of which Rahu is capable of. Saturn gives us the power to hide and refine the parts of ourselves that still feel unpolished, protecting our skill, reputation and potential marriage union (Venus).

Where do the other Dharmic planets fit into this equation?

Jupiter is the stage we reach after our Venus and Rahu status is secured. We are officially married, and so we begin to enjoy the growth of our family, our own family happiness, and by becoming parents, we ourselves step into the role of a guardian in turn, creating a whole new cycle for the next generation. While we are not that concerned about our physical skill anymore, since we have long gained certainty in it, we are concerned about extending the goodness and merit of what we have learned in the world, for as long as we are alive and able to nourish it. We protect and we are protected.

Sun is the kingdom we acquire as a result of our teachings. It’s how far our light has spread as the result of accumulation of all our deeds from other planets. It’s how far our soul individuality has spread into our tiny human life.

Ketu comes later in life, as we realize how much effort we spent on refining the physical plane to mimic the beauty of our soul (Rahu). Only then we can truly appreciate and sense the incomprehensible, the vast infinity mixed with scientific perfection of creation, and judge how authentic we have been in our actions and creations so far relative to our Souls flame. Ketu is also our redefined comfort zone, something we may have been clinging to earlier in life, that we now finally manage to access in perfected conditions, after many trials and tribulations. Thus, the transition from habit to authenticity.

Saturn comes at the end as we become elders. We know our time of public glory has passed, and we make space for the new generation, fostering, sheltering and disciplining younger minds with the benefit of our enormous wisdom, letting them shine. We become concerned with our legacy and about what comes after our time on this planet is over, securing our physical attachments one last time, through matters of physical and social inheritance.

In this process, we can see two camps of planets with two distinct attitudes towards the link between body and soul.

The Moon is neutral and adaptable and malleable like a new-born. It doesn’t have an affiliation as it is a blank page and sways with every influence pressed upon it.

Mercury, Venus, Saturn and Rahu are material planets, and thus are all friendly to each other. In their original intent and purest state these planets have a goal of physically manifesting the grandeur of the soul on Earth through material creations, as each of the planets takes a distinct role in this process. Saturn is the ultimate material controller. Venus is the ultimate material teacher. Rahu is the ultimate material enjoyer. Mercury is the ultimate material student.

Sun, Jupiter, Mars and Ketu are spiritual planets, also being friendly to each other. Their goal is to keep our physical selves in check, so that we don’t forget the higher aspect of being, drowning in material creation. They reconnect us with our souls essence, through physical trials if necessary. Ketu is the ultimate spiritual controller. Jupiter is the ultimate spiritual teacher. Sun is the ultimate spiritual enjoyer. Mars is the ultimate spiritual student.

Neither of these groups is better or worse. They both have an integral role, as described in examples above. Without the physical planets, we would neglect our health and hygiene and cultivation of any physical aspects of the body. Without the spiritual planets, we would lose inspiration and forget that flesh is supposed to be soul poured into matter.

[ghcstchild-a]

𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆: @lianhuaes // JIANG CHENG

i watched it. i watched you die and now you're standing here.

IT DOESN'T EVEN SEEM FAIR this time – being brought back on a dead man's whim, he can hardly be blamed for being alive, yet Jiang Cheng has acquired a new skill, it appears. The skill to make his insides churn and his blood run cold. Oh, surely he watched it. Pain doesn't really register with Wei Wuxian, never did, never stuck around long enough for him to remember it and avoid doing the same STUPID, STUPID THING again. But that, being torn to pieces, is not something he'd wish to relive.

The bitterness doesn't come either. It's just the eyes, the eyes of his shidi, his beloved little brother, filled with such rage – a visceral reminder of the reason. He can be blamed for that part. He should be.

❝ Jiang zongzhu, ❞ comes a drawling voice, as if this momentary delay was merely A MISUNDERSTANDING. As if Mo Xuanyu could possibly fathom what on earth the respectable clan leader is talking about. He makes sure to sound a little patronizing, even. ❝ You must be mistaking me for somebody else. As honored as I'd be to discuss matters of life and death with someone as knowledgeable as yourself, uh... right now I need to find my donkey and be on my way. ❞

[aaliyahq]

[cisfemale and she/her] Welcome to Aurora Bay, [AALIYAH KHALID]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [MIMI KEENE]. You must be the [TWENTY-SEVEN] year old [FRONT DESK AT SEASCAPE LUXURY HOTEL]. Word is you’re [CHARMING] but can also be a bit [GULLIBLE] and your favorite song is [SHE WILL BE LOVED BY MAROON 5]. I also heard you’ll be staying in [FISHER COVE]. I’m sure you’ll love it! / @aurorabayaesthetic

CHARACTER BASICS

NAME: aaliyah khalid NICKNAME: ali AGE: twenty-seven DATE OF BIRTH: april 18, 1996 ZODIAC SIGN: aries GENDER & PRONOUNS: cisfemale, she/her ORIENTATION: bisexual STATUS: single mom HEIGHT: 5′3″ OCCUPATION: front desk at seascape luxury hotel NEIGHBORHOOD: fisher cove DAUGHTER: aisha khalid (3 years old)

BIOGRAPHY

aaliyah khalid was born into a household where mistakes were deemed unacceptable due to their public status and her mother's ambitions to follow in her grandfather's political footsteps left little room for imperfections. the demand for perfection was especially prevalent in the eyes of her mother, who yearned to leave her own mark on the political landscape, beginning with aurora bay.

being the baby of the family, ali was able to get away with more stuff than her older siblings. yet, she too had to maintain an image of perfection, especially in her parents' presence. she excelled academically and attended church religiously, earning a reputation as the quintessential good girl. however, her parents were oblivious to the unorthodox means by which she achieved her excellent grades, as she cunningly acquired answer keys and sought assistance with assignments from her peers. she had a way of charming people into making them do her work and keeping them quiet at the same time.

ali also had a penchant for sneaking out to college parties and using a fake id to frequent bars just outside of aurora bay, activities known only to her inner circle. however, her true passion lay in the drama club, where she showcased her talent for acting, relishing the attention that came with being one of the school's popular students. her dream was to become a famous actress and win an oscars one day, but her parents' expectations of their children following the family's political path obstructed that path.

during her senior year of high school, her mother lost the town's mayoral election, which significantly altered her mother's disposition. and although ali felt a sense of disappointment, she was secretly relieved that her mother hadn't won, as the family's scrutiny would have increased than when her mother was just a council woman. subsequently, her family decided to moved from aurora bay, while letting her stay just to up to her graduation.

she entered the university of southern california for college, majoring in political science during her first year. yet unbeknownst to her parents, she gradually began taking more courses from the school of dramatic arts in subsequent years.

in her thid year in college, she met someone who was quite older than her and the two hit it off quickly. they simply clicked and aaliyah fell head over heels for him. it was also around this time that she has started going more into open auditions to pursue an acting career, realizing that it was definitely much harder than she thought it would be. it didn't matter that she had a pretty face and good acting skills because pretty much everyone in LA did. she eventually landed a role in a short indie film, which ignited her passion for acting. following this, she secured background roles and minor parts in smaller television shows and feature films. he supported her through all of it and she was grateful for his enduring presence.

after what felt like years of waiting, her big break was finally around the corner after she was signed by daniel ibarra. it was for a pretty huge production based on the best-selling novel called it ends with us and they wanted a fresh face for the lead role. however, what was supposed to be her rise to stardom fell through when her personal life crumbled. ali discovered that the person she had been involved with was married and that she has unwittingly become the other woman. and as if that wasn't enough, she also learned that she was pregnant and there was no way they could delay the production of the film. breaching the contract, she dropped out from the film and attempted to return to her parents. but upon learning what she's done, her mother wanted nothing do with her especially now that she has ascended to a prominent position in the office and was planning on her campaign in the succeeding years.

one of her older siblings has taken pity on her and helped her resettle in aurora bay, wherein ali reached out to one of her close friends, who offered support during her pregnancy. the brunette became a bit of a recluse at that time, grappling with depression during her pregnancy. it felt like everything in her life was going wrong and at that time, she even contemplated giving up her child upon birth. but her perspective changed the moment she held her newborn. one look at the little bundle in her arms and she knew that there was nothing she won't do for this child. she named her aisha, which meant alive and well, because that's all she ever hoped for her to be. she knew that she wasn't going to raise her like her parents did her and that she would simply allow her little girl to be the best version of herself and that she would support her no matter what. however, for now, she's just a mother who's still a little clueless on how to handle this while trying her best.

currently, aaliyah is working at the front desk of seascape luxury hotel and she's pretty good in putting on a practiced smile in front of the guests. it also helped that she had a pretty face, which lead to generous tips from guests. she still talk to her older sibling from time to time, but strives to rely on them less even when she's still finding her footing in life. she has yet to actually give up her dreams of becoming an actress, but for now, they're just on hold as she's focusing on becoming a good mother first.

HEADCANONS & PERSONALITY

won homecoming queen during her senior year and was part of the student council as well. she's one of the popular kids, but she's charming and nice to mostly everyone unless they've done her wrong then she can hold a petty grudge like no other.

she didn't really identify as bisexual until college because she had genuinely believed that she was straight during high school since she had been in an on-and-off relationship with a guy at that time. except that even at that time, she already found girls attractive and she enjoyed kissing one particular girl.

has no social media presence ever since she dropped from the acting industry since this was the deal she made with her older sibling, who wanted to make sure that what happened to her wouldn't get in the way of their mother's campaign. she does have a private instagram account but she has less than a hundred followers there and it's only reserved for her close friends. even her profile picture there is something random.

has recently started using tinder again, driven by a longing for companionship. yet, she recognized that finding someone new had become considerably more challenging with the added responsibility of her child. she was hesitant to introduce her child to numerous individuals who might not become a lasting presence in their lives. as a result, she leaned more towards the casual hookup culture to fulfill her social needs. however, living in the tight-knit community of aurora bay made it a double-edged sword, as the likelihood of encountering past connections again was remarkably high.

more tba

WANTED CONNECTIONS

voted most likely to run away with you: the on-and-off boyfriend she had back in high school. they're relationship wasn't particularly healthy and they were probably somewhat codependent with each other at that time, but he was the first person that she really fell in love with.

and i damn sure never would've danced with the devil: the older man she had a relationship with during her third year of college, who turned out to be married at that time. they were a force of nature together but when she found out that he was married, she felt like she's been played for a fool. also the baby daddy who has no idea that he's a dad? oops.

i'd live and die for moments that we stole: her first girlfriend from college who made her realize that she was really into girls and that there was no denying it anymore even if for some reason, the two of them fell out. back in high school, she already felt her heart skip a beat for another girl, but she was in complete denial at that time and just blamed it on their teenage hormones.

it's nice to have a friend: the person she reached out to when she returned to aurora bay. this person would have been her rock and supported her through the pregnancy. with them, she could be her most vulnerable self with no pretense at all.

got a long list of ex lovers, they'll tell you i'm insane: she definitely had her share of hookups and one night stands during those times when she wasn't seeing someone exclusively. and being back in aurora bay for the past 4 years, she has recently started getting back to the hookup culture too. maybe even has one or two friends with some benefits on the side?

'cause baby now we've got bad blood: could have been close friends in either high school or college, but for some reason that we could plot out, they hate each other guts now.

neighbours

a babysitter for aisha

frequent guests in seascape luxury hotel

found family kind of connections

exes in good term/bad term

friends / childhood friends / frenemies

crushes / tinder matches

people from the industry that she could have known from before

all the plots please.

[aacharya-kamlesh]

Embracing Your Inner Gems: A Path to Self-Exploration

Embracing Self-Discovery: Finding Gems Within

Life has its ups and downs, its triumphs and setbacks. Yet, there’s a danger in defining our worth solely by our failures. If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and negativity, it’s time for a change. Let’s explore how self-analysis can be a tool for self-discovery and empowerment rather than a source of despair.

Redefining Failure

It’s easy to fall into the trap of equating mistakes with failure. But here’s the truth: your mistakes are not the real problem. The true failure lies in never acknowledging your strengths and potential. Constantly dwelling on what’s wrong and tallying up your shortcomings only serves to hold you back.

Shifting Perspectives

Instead of viewing self-analysis as a means of cataloging your flaws, consider it as an opportunity for growth and exploration. Imagine it as digging for diamonds in a coal mine — a journey to uncover the hidden treasures within yourself. Instead of letting self-criticism dampen your spirits, use it as a compass to uncover your hidden strengths and talents within.

Discovering Your Inner Strengths

Start by reframing your self-analysis process. Rather than focusing solely on what you perceive as weaknesses, consciously seek out your strengths and positive attributes. What are the things that bring you joy? What talents or skills do you possess? Take the time to celebrate these aspects of yourself.

Cultivating Self-Compassion

Alongside recognizing your strengths, it’s essential to cultivate self-compassion. Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks — it’s a natural part of being human. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend facing challenges.

Harnessing the Power of Perspective

Changing your life begins with a shift in perspective instead of considering setbacks as obstacles you cannot overcome, perceive them as chances for personal growth and acquiring new knowledge. Every challenge you face is a chance to discover your resilience and inner strength.

Embracing the Journey of Self-Discovery

Self-analysis becomes a transformative journey when approached with curiosity and openness. Rather than viewing it as a burdensome task, see it as an adventure of self-exploration. Embrace the process of uncovering your unique qualities and talents.

Embracing Your Inner Awesome

Ultimately, the goal of self-analysis is not to dwell on perceived shortcomings but to unearth the awesomeness within you. Embrace your quirks, celebrate your achievements, and recognize the beauty of your individuality. You are a complex tapestry of experiences, talents, and potential waiting to be discovered.

Conclusion: Empowering Self-Discovery

In conclusion, self-analysis should be a tool for empowerment, not self-destruction. By shifting your perspective and focusing on your strengths, you can harness the power of self-discovery to transform your life. Embrace the journey of uncovering your inner gems and celebrate the unique awesomeness that makes you who you are.

Remember, you are not defined by your mistakes — you are defined by the courage and resilience with which you face them.

[quietwingsinthesky]

even is nowhere near an engineer, but they are, by necessity, a quick learner, and by nature, someone who will acquire whatever skills they think are necessary to make themself invaluable. combine that with the fact that the Doctor’s TARDIS is in a constant state of on the fritz/in need of repairs/just being tinkered with by him because he’s bored, and they do pick up a few things. (and obviously, to someone whose entire life has been dependent on their ship Functioning Or Else They’re Fucked In Deep Space, the TARDIS being damaged even slightly is stressful! they want to know how to fix it! they won’t die immediately anymore (probably) if the ship they live on malfunctions, but it’s hard to shake that instinct.)

Which means even does have a pretty thorough knowledge of how to repair and recognize TARDIS parts. Without really knowing what they’re doing, but knowing how to figure out a solution, even if they have to brute force the answer. Think of it like trying to do physics without having any understanding of calculus and instead having to use algebra — completely possible, but frustrating and much more likely to lead to mistakes — AND also the guy teaching you is a substitute teacher who speaks in a language he made up for his D&D group half the time and if you ask him what a word means because you can’t understand what the fuck he’s saying, he goes off on tangents about the etymology of it, forgetting that he’s supposed to be teaching you. physics. they have the world’s most convoluted understanding of how a TARDIS works, but like. about 75% of the time they can identify what’s gone wrong and 50% of the time, they might even be able to solve it themself if they can find the right tools. (*success rate will vary depending on level of stress they’re under.)

(to a much lesser extent, the same goes for piloting, although that’s much more cause-and-effect observation combined with information the doctor throws at them in the heat of the moment. which leads to a knowledge base that’s a bit like not knowing how a car’s steering wheel works, but definitely knowing where both the blinkers and the accelerator are and how to make use of them. even very much cannot fly a tardis alone (or, not effectively. MAYBE through space if they’re under pressure, but they don’t have the sense for time that time lords do. not hooked into that matrix.) but they know enough to be very useful to someone else flying one who can direct them.)

[sen-no-kotowari]

PGR Roland Character Profile

As promised, I will be slowly filling up the character profile content. This time, it's Roland's Character Profile. There won't be any particular order of which one will I be releasing next since I'm also juggling with interlude stories as well as getting the raws myself. However, I am thankful to everyone who enjoys my fan translations despite how slow it is. With all that said, you can learn more about Roland on the cut down below (*´ω`*)

Voice Line Data

Motion Voice Lines

Lobby Voice 1

Roland: I talk too much? Fine, I'll try to be more careful from now on. But... Hm. You see, someone also said the same thing to me before. As to what happened to them... Fufu, care to take a guess?

Lobby Voice 2

Roland: Hola, amigo! Hahah, guess I've been playing the fool for so long. Even my usual quips laced with deceit would still naturally come out of my lips. What are your thoughts about this tomfool such as myself?

Lobby Voice 3

Roland: "I wish I had met you sooner"—'tis such flight of fancies that humans cling on to in every story. When I'm faced with an apt scene, I can't help myself but utter those words. ...For instance, right this very moment.

Raise Affection Level

Roland: If you're going to treat me this kindly, it's about time that I become honest with you. What I truly want is love, sincerity, and a dream! ...Bwahaha! I'm just kidding, I don't need those things, because I already found a replacement for them.

Repetitive Taps

Roland: Humans reaffirm their existence to other individuals through this body-touching skinship, right? I understand. If that's the case, do you not wish to try and touch me differently?

Log-In

Roland: A pleasant day to you... (chuckle) Since you're here now, today's also going to be a fulfilling one indeed. And so, do you have anything in mind as to what you'd like for us to do together? Yes, you heard me, together.

Online for a Long Time

Roland: Okay, you have zero ability to make a sound decision with how exhausted you are right now. I won't let this chance slip by. Come now, lean your head here and rest. That's right, beside me. It's fine if you mistake me for someone else, I'll act as that person and let you take a nap...

AFK

Roland: You sure are sleeping deeply. If you knew you were holding my hand in your sleep, would you think that you're still dreaming? Once you awaken from your slumber, what kind of joke should I use to lead you on I wonder? Or are you telling me it's fine for me to hold your hand in mine, then...?

Shake

Roland: Aaaaah, I fell over~ I can't do anything now. My only hope is to wait for you to help me. ...Hm? That looked like it was on purpose? (sigh)... I expected this kind of plot twist to happen.

Offline for a Long Time

Roland: The world around me felt like it had stopped and everything had become a lie when you weren't here... And so, that's why the distorted time I've idly spent shouldn't have felt this long, you know.

Introduction and Formation

Structure Acquired

Roland: Hola, amigo! The name's Roland. You know why I reveal myself here, right? Ahahaha, no, there's no way you wouldn't know—it's because you never knew anything about it. In any case, I shall be under you from here on out, so let's get along with each other.

Level Up

Roland: Yeah, I get it, my model's gotten a level up. Have you heard of that one story about a farmer who is raising a dragon?[1]

Advancement

Roland: A star rank increase? Placing ranks as a means to bind people down on shackles, humans sure have great preferences there. I look forward to what would you do from here on out, as the fool whom you've given a high level of obligation.

Model Improvement

Roland: If you were to completely replace all my parts, will I be able to survive in my new model as an innocent newborn?

Skill Upgrade

Roland: My fighting abilities have improved even further. Go on, keep on training me. You won't be rewarded back for it though.

Equipment

Roland: How this weapon feels in my hand, it's not bad. A perfect tool for this fool to wield.

Add in Team

Roland: Okay fine, I'll do anything so long as you order me to do so. Although, you'll have to be careful that I don't get sidetracked and do something unnecessary.

Assign as Captain

Roland: Damas y caballeros[2]—the show is about to start.

Mission Accomplished

Roland: Mission's done now. So, would the reward be some meaningless golden mechanism of sorts? Ahahaha, I jest. It's just a joke.

Daily Small Talks

Voice Line 1

Roland: What my wish is? For the world to be destroyed, the Punishing becomes widespread, for Earth to be thrown into chaos... How was it? Were my answers per your expectation?

Voice Line 2

Roland: I talk too much? Fine, I'll try to be more careful from now on. But... Hm. You see, someone also said the same thing to me before. As to what happened to them... Fufu, care to take a guess?

Voice Line 3

Roland: Sincerity sure sounds like a nice word, huh. To be able to stop thinking about things and let other people handle just about anything. So long as they'd follow the orders given to them and just read documents, people who have that quality have it easy... Hm? What's with that look? I only remembered about an old "friend" of mine, that's all.

Voice Line 4

Roland: Hola— ...Hm? Ahahahaha, that look on your face. You never have any good memories whenever you hear this phrase, right? Nice, really nice. I shall make these words be burned into your heart even more, so look forward to it then.

Voice Line 5

Roland: Since I've decided I won't be doing any funny business in front of you, feel free to ask me things you're curious about. It can be anything—from the entire truth about the Ascendant's Network, down to my strange, personal preferences. Assuming you have a compensation fitting as payment that is... Ahahaha, I'm kidding.

Voice Line 6

Roland: Now try to imagine this—the Punishing never existed in this world and we're ordinary citizens who're abducted and betrayed by an evil organization, decide to cooperate with each other to escape... Were you able to imagine it? Okay, good, we'll be heading out now and face the reality in front of us.

Voice Line 7

Roland: Hola, amigo! Hahah, guess I've been playing the fool for so long. Even my usual quips laced with deceit would still naturally come out of my lips. What are your thoughts about this tomfool such as myself?

Voice Line 8

Roland: Have you heard of the "Normal Troupe?" They're an extremely violent group of people who have no regard for neither their own life nor other people's lives for the sake of their ideals during the Golden Age Era. Now then, have you ever thought that I was also a member of the said group? ...Ahahaha, of course, that's obviously impossible—I made that story up right on the spot.

Voice Line 9

Roland: Humans are good at making stories. Even though it's a made-up story, you can feel how realistic it is with how the creator has included their experience and imagination. That is, if one were to excellently narrate it, fiction can fool others as if it's actually a part of one's life. Don't you think so?

Voice Line 10

Roland: I've watched this "Operation: Recapture Earth" comedy of Eden for the longest time now. Even though the facets of the protagonist's struggles, depravation, and madness are interesting, it's too long—because it has been too long, even the audience has now become involved in the story and wants to distance themselves from it.

Voice Line 11

Roland: To have a reason to live—my wish since long before hasn't changed. There were times that I have to face the music until now, whether it be publicly performing or the Ascendant's Network. Heh, it's okay for me to look for my own reason to live, you say? For someone who plays the fool, without a doubt that's quite an awful.....and honorable circumstance.

Voice Line 12

Roland: If it's stories and fables, then I've read quite a lot of it. While there were plenty of dull ones, they aren't as dull as my own life though. But so long as you're here, maybe my stupidly cliche life could become a little bit more interesting. Ahahaha, it truly is— Truly......What is it that I should truly call this then?

Voice Line 13

Roland: All five senses of a Structure are implemented with devices that imitate the sensory organs. Perhaps that is why the person projected in front of me may not be the real you, but an existence glorified by the programs from those devices. ...Then again, that never bothered me. Because I already engraved the real you in my own eyes.

Voice Line 14

Roland: Actors cannot change the scenario, nor can they have any obscure expectations. Right now, however, a certain actor wants for you to remain up on stage so much, that person has been wishing for this play to reach its conclusion right now. Ahaha, I'm kidding, it's just a joke.

Voice Line 15

Roland: "I wish I had met you sooner"—'tis such flight of fancies that humans cling on to in every story. When I'm faced with an apt scene, I can't help myself but utter those words. ...For instance, right this very moment.

Raise Affection Level

Voice Line 1

Roland: Uhh, if I were to express what you guys will say in these situations... "I appreciate the consideration you've given me! From here on, I, Roland, will do the best I can in my abilities for the sake of fighting. By all means, let us get along well!" ...Or something like that. How was it? Have I met your expectations for me?

Voice Line 2

Roland: Thank you very much, I feel immensely grateful. Well then, I shall graciously take up your offer.

Voice Line 3

Roland: Humans seem to blindly seek the significance of things. Wouldn't that mean they're just looking for benefits after all? Then what kind of benefit are you seeking from me? I'm dying to know about that, you know.

Voice Line 4

Roland: I won't refuse any presents or requests from you. If it's by your command, then I shall take care of it no matter what. If you can bear the consequence of it, that is.

Voice Line 5

Roland: Accepting a phantom[3] and showing it mercy will only grant you ambiguity. Does this commander of Eden prefer wasting all the good things in life?

Voice Line 6

Roland: Do every commander in Eden just casually show their grace like this?

Voice Line 7

Roland: Ah, well it's fine, showing this kind of friendly behavior in our candid relationship is relatively refreshing.

Voice Line 8

Roland: (Sigh)...You know, what are you expecting from a phantom? At this rate, I don't know what to do about this...

Voice Line 9

Roland: Hmm... ...Why am I always looking at you? It's nothing, really. I'm just observing you on what you want as a present. My findings? Hm. I have no idea.

Voice Line 10

Roland: Each time you give me something, I find myself smiling. Eh? I'm always smiling though? Ahahaha, that's true I guess.

Voice Line 11

Roland: Did you know? The more you observe a person, the more you'd be interested in them. And once that said person is gone, the observer will be extremely bothered by it. Now then, I wonder how long am I going to stay by your side now?

Voice Line 12

Roland: It makes me wonder why I become strict whenever you give me a present, even though I shouldn't be complaining about it... Could it be perhaps I'm looking forward to what you're going to give me?

Voice Line 13

Roland: I thought that self-deception shouldn't be moved by the words of others, but you've proved me wrong ever since I met you. Quite a far-fetched story. Tell me, how will you handle this fake version of me who'd spout needless affections?

Voice Line 14

Roland: If you're going to treat me this kindly, it's about time that I become honest with you. What I truly want is love, sincerity, and a dream! ...Bwahaha! I'm just kidding, I don't need those things, because I already found a replacement for them.

Voice Line 15

Roland: I can't understand whatever it is you're thinking, no matter what. So why not try to guess what I'm thinking about then? A certain pierrot saw the good in others and has now begun to think to himself that perhaps he could devote his loyalty to his master. And so, why did he think that way?

Voice Line 16

Roland: Starting now, I will be telling you a single lie. The me who used to be popular has received tons of presents. Among them were boring, ordinary things as well as tremendously strange things. However, the presents I received from you were neither ordinary nor strange—Now, where-is-the-lie-in-that?

AFK

Voice Line 1

Roland: A nice dream is just like a song? We shouldn't disrupt this peacefulness then. It's just that my singing voice might call forth an even bigger danger[4], however... Hehe.

Voice Line 2

Roland: Dreams are the easiest, most luxurious illusion humans could easily grab ahold of. Though if you stay inside that dream for too long, the whole world may be destroyed by the Punishing once you wake up from it, you know.

Voice Line 3

Roland: Keep up with that carefree attitude, and you might meet the same end a certain corrupted Structure did... Hahaha, well it's not like that Structure in question is living a miserable life right at this very moment though.

Voice Line 4

Roland: If you're going to be this defenseless in front of me, does it mean that it's okay for me to be myself and put down this fabricated mask I wear? ...I'll always watch your sleeping face, just like this.

Voice Line 5

Roland: You sure are sleeping deeply. If you knew you were holding my hand in your sleep, would you think that you're still dreaming? Once you awaken from your slumber, what kind of joke should I use to lead you on I wonder? Or are you telling me it's fine for me to hold your hand in mine, then...?

Online for a Long Time

Voice Line 1

Roland: Devote everything you have for that single goal and spend your free time sparingly... even if that goal is nothing but an illusion. How lamentable... Haha, I'm not talking about you. I simply remembered how I used to be.

Voice Line 2

Roland: I know quite a few method—ways of how to actively keep working without any sleep. I tested them myself and without a doubt, they're effective. Do you want to try them out? Fair warning though, it's going to cause irreparable damage to a human's body, no matter which method you pick.

Voice Line 3

Roland: Getting tired? Well then, shall I tell you a story 'til you fall asleep? Most of it surely contains a nightmare-inducing plot though. If it's you, you'd definitely find something wonderful even in a nightmare.

Voice Line 4

Roland: They say that one's more prone to have a lapse in their judgments when they're tired, right? This is just a what-if but, what if I were to perfectly pretend to be a Structure? Will you be able to think that's who I really am?

Voice Line 5

Roland: Okay, you have zero ability to make a sound decision with how exhausted you are right now. I won't let this chance slip by. Come now, lean your head here and rest. That's right, beside me. It's fine if you mistake me for someone else, I'll act as that person and let you take a nap...

Log-In

Voice Line 1

Roland: Good day to you, Commander. I, Roland, shall always be waiting for you right here! ...Ahahaha, were you surprised? I thought you'd like this kind of greeting though.

Voice Line 2

Roland: You came at a right time. So I remember some things about my past, are you interested in it? If you wish to hear more, you definitely wouldn't want to talk to me ever again.

Voice Line 3

Roland: I'm so glad to see you. Okay then, let's celebrate whatever happens today and take a commemorative photo— ...Oh dear, sad to say but it looks like you don't show on film with my built-in photography function.

Voice Line 4

Roland: This is simply a premise of a frequent discourse during the Golden Age... But I made all that up, a few seconds just before you came here. If I tell you that, would you believe me?

Voice Line 5

Roland: Ciao! Ahahahaha, for me to be here would mean that I would very much like to see you. It's true. That's right, I'm not lying today.

Voice Line 6

Roland: I've been thinking long and hard—about what I should do so you'd frequently wish to see me more often. Ah, ahh~ I guess I should strike a conversation just like this and keep you talking, huh...

Voice Line 7

Roland: Did you come to see me again? Heh, you're saying that there's value in looking at a phantom like myself? Could it be that you were thinking that I am your truth or something...?

Voice Line 8

Roland: A pleasant day to you... (chuckle) Since you're here now, today's also going to be a fulfilling one indeed. And so, do you have anything in mind as to what you'd like for us to do together? Yes, you heard me, together.

Offline for a Long Time

Roland: The world around me felt like it had stopped and everything had become a lie when you weren't here... And so, that's why the distorted time I've idly spent shouldn't have felt this long, you know.

Shake

Voice Line 1

Roland: Aaaaah, I fell over~ I can't do anything now. My only hope is to wait for you to help me. ...Hm? That looked like it was on purpose? (sigh)... I expected this kind of plot twist to happen.

Voice Line 2

Roland: Ahahaha, why not put your back into it? My internal parts would be flying out from my body, just like popping champagne back in the Golden Age—that's going to be exciting for sure.

Voice Line 3

Roland: Are you that desperate to see me flustered? If you want to see me all worked up, maybe your words would surprisingly be more effective than this kind of behavior, you know.

Repetitive Taps

Voice Line 1

Roland: For you to be this immersed over me, could it be perhaps you thought there's some kind of magical button somewhere in my body that could make you rich in an instant? It might be a button that would destroy this world after several centuries instead, though[5].

Voice Line 2

Roland: I'll be honest here, this is quite ticklish. I'm only putting up with you because I want to see your face... If not, I would've already been rolling around, writhing in pain from laughing. No really, I'm...aha, hahaha (cough) ...Okay fine, I give up~ you can stop now.

Voice Line 3

Roland: Humans reaffirm their existence to other individuals through this body-touching skinship, right? I understand. If that's the case, do you not wish to try and touch me differently?

Activity Task Full

Roland: Activity level's at max now, good job. I wonder, what kind of determination did you have for you to do your best?

Battle Dialogues

Battle Start/Character Switch

Roland: I'll show you how to properly utilize a tool for its intended purpose then.

Voice Line 1/Successful Dodge Counter

Roland: Where do you think you're going?

Voice Line 2

Roland: Let me hear more of your genuine scream!

Voice Line 3/Finisher Move

Roland: Everyone in the audience is watching with bated breath now.

Ultimate Skill

Roland: And now! It's time for the climax!

Light Damage

Roland: That hurts now, you know~

Heavy Damage

Roland: Should I make my pained expression more believable then?

Incapacitated

Roland: This is why...illusions are but a waning thing...

Friend Support

Roland: I'll be making a special appearance then.

QTE

Roland: Would you like to see a clown show?

Battle End

Roland: With this, the curtain draws to a close. Did you enjoy this burlesque[6]?

Structure Documentation

Document Detail 1

Roland was born as an ordinary citizen in the Golden Age. His closest appearance can be seen on the many movie posters in the previous area. As he was a former Ascendant, he has shown up in every part of the world.

Document Detail 2

He was one of the experimental subjects during the Structure's initial development stage. Even though his former model's abilities were excellent, Roland trained both his reflexes and strategic skills to make up for his shortcomings to sufficiently demonstrate his current model. The history behind his old model, however, is often ambiguous.

Document Detail 3

Roland is stoic when it comes to the goals he chose and once he set his heart to them, he would ensure those goals would be fulfilled no matter what the cost is or if the whole world has to burn to the ground as if it was the only goal existing in the world. This was evident in one of his fights with the past Gray Raven Unit.

Document Detail 4

"Now then, it's showtime." Maybe it's because he used to be an actor, Roland constantly exaggerates his expressions. It remains the same even when he's alone, as though he is under the spotlight, looking at the camera the entire time.

Document Detail 5

Although he practically laughs off grandiose stories, Roland holds respect for people who remain steadfast and insightful in the face of reality and applauds them. It doesn't guarantee he would save those people, however.

Document Detail 6

"Please give me the order. I guarantee to try and follow through, for real." While there are several meanings behind both Roland's speech and attitude, he requires a careful choice of words as he interlaces the truth and the lies. Whatever the true madness behind his speech and attitude may be, nobody ever knows what it truly is.

Rumors and Secrets

Secret 1 Even though Roland could speak several languages, he isn't exactly fluent in them—he only knows specific vocabulary or proverbs. He provokes others with it and to see their reactions, he purposefully speaks in a language they couldn't understand from time to time.

Secret 2 Roland spaces out during his missions and can do it continuously for 24 hours. Even though it puts a strain on his body to an extent and had to bear unimaginable things, his Sea of Consciousness seemed to be used to that kind of feeling.

Secret 3 Although Roland is devoted to pop culture enough that he could hold a conversation with enthusiasts of every genre whether it be songs, visual arts, or games, he usually shows indifference or contempt towards that kind of culture.

Secret 4 He has read plenty of literature or theatrical works, ranging from the classics to modern works. While Roland changes his answer daily when asked what his favorite work is, his answer to what his most disliked work remains consistent—"my own life."

Secret 5 He is surprisingly discrete and uses other people's inconsistent actions to irritably criticize them—even the most perfect person will be compelled by their sense of self-reproach during an interrogation. Roland calls it "fault-finding."

Secret 6 As much as his usual words include different meanings in them, Roland treats people who truly can't understand his words like children by giving them snacks and treats, joking around them, or even enjoying a magic show with them.

Secret 7 His feelings toward his "family" are quite complicated. Although he's compelled with a strong destructive impulse whenever he sees a scene of a happy family, Roland would never take any action against it, and there even are times he would wish them all the best instead.

Secret 8 Back when Roland was still an actor, smiling was an expression he takes pride in. He can express several varieties of emotions while the corners of his mouth are lifted. Perhaps there aren't that many individuals who could understand what he truly feels behind that smile.

Secret 9 As much as Roland places high regard on outward appearances and his garments seem to be "something he thoroughly thought of," his aesthetic sense is niche. He would willingly adjust to other people's appearance if he needs to.

Secret 10 Roland is the type of actor who puts his acting into practice—he can hold a conversation with "himself" and he always talks to himself even with people around him. Whether he's teasing other people, it's difficult to discern if he truly is talking to his imaginary self.

Secret 11 Roland summons 6-phases of himself inside his Sea of Consciousness if he needs to, and holds a "round-table meeting" to discuss the next step he must take. The codename he gave to the attendees of the meeting is R, O, L, A, N, and D—the informant is Roland, the person himself.[7]

Secret 12 His forte is handicrafts and his true hobby is making dolls and stuffed toys. It's perhaps one may be able to take a glimpse of who Roland truly is from the "marionette" he created. However, it seemed like he hasn't been able to devote himself to his hobby for quite a long time.

The story Roland was referencing here is J.R.R Tolkien's "Farmer Giles of Ham."

Damas y caballeros is a Spanish phrase which translates to "ladies and gentlemen."

While 虚空 could mean "void" or "empty space," it could also mean something as "non-existent" or "fictional." I chose "phantom" instead to reflect Roland's wording choice towards theatre and literature.

Roland is drawing a similarity to sirens in Greek mythology.

This may be a reference to the "Daily Struggle"/"Two Buttons" internet meme.

Burlesque is a literary, dramatic or musical work intended to cause laughter by caricaturing the manner or spirit of serious works, or by ludicrous treatment of their subjects. It is derived from the Italian word "burla" (TL: joke, ridicule or mockery)

This is in reference to a trope in anime "脳内会議" (TL: Internal Meeting). A few example of this trope is "Umaru Meeting" (Himouto Umaru-chan), "Catarina Five" (My Next Life as a Villainess), and Shinomiya Kaguya's (Kaguya-sama: Love is War)

[chibitantei]

You know how game companies release a barebones product and then patch their way to a cohesive and complete game? Anyways, here's something about P5AU!Naoto’s Persona awakening ft. me probably breaking P5’s lore.

For the AU, Naoto’s Personas are Laelaps and Fenrir, both of which are canines. My reasons for picking them are linked on the page (and so will this post), but for convenience’s sake, here. While I was finding suitable Personas, Laelaps was one I had considered, but held off on because he didn’t sound like a rebellious figure.

I reviewed the awakenings for the Phantom Thieves and noticed a few things. One was that they embraced their ‘role’ as an outcast and shed any pretense of trying to fit in with what society had to say about them, whether it was directly mentioned in the speech or not. The other was, obviously, the rebellious spirit.

Naoto is someone who needs to acknowledge her other self, so she isn’t the type who could have P5’s awakening steer her towards the direction of being happy with herself.

So when she acquires Laelaps, it feels more like an incomplete awakening.

Since every PT had some kind of commentary on (Japanese) society, Naoto probably needed to do something similar. I apologize for repeating myself on this point again, but the post would not look cohesive without it. Naoto is a private investigator, but she works much more closely with the police than her canon self does. She’s seen a lot of cases where, well, cases are put on a backburner because they aren’t important, officers putting an end to their investigation to wrap it up faster instead of properly seeking the truth™.

This obviously does not jive well with our resident detective, so when the opportunity arises, she channels her rebellious spirit that is fed up with how incompetent the police are and resolves to help those the police neglect, and you get the idea.

She has this rebellious spirit, but she doesn’t fully embrace being a rebel. Some part of her still tries to fit in with what society expects of her, and that’s where the P4 part of things comes in.

Naoto’s gimmick in P4 is about sexism in the workforce, but I feel like it could be sexism in general. I’ve linked this video before and it’s pretty old now, but P4 came out in 2008. The fact that this 2018 video existed shows that what Naoto’s gimmick was trying to critique was still a big problem and may be one still.

Being treated like she has no place being a detective, why is she still here if she’s going to become a housewife one day, people treating her like she’s fragile just for being a woman (see the image of her social link script below), just to name a few things wears her down, but she doesn’t complain.

On a ‘Naoto’s main gimmick isn’t this but it’s still relevant’ note, there’s her perfectionist attitude. As a Shirogane detective, she believes any mistake or show of weakness on her part will harm her family’s legacy and with Akechi being the more popular detective, Naoto feels an added pressure to be perfect. 

A third thing I noticed about the PT awakenings is that they’re a little selfish and it’s not a bad thing. She doesn’t allow herself to be selfish and live for herself. She also just flat out thinks her hangups aren’t that bad compared to other people. There’s a lot that overlaps with her canon self, but the important part is that she doesn’t allow herself to express anything isn’t annoyance at police or acceptance that things will always be like this.

So by facing herself (literally, you bet I’m having that stupid bastard show up), accepting her negative thoughts, allowing herself to be selfish and understand that she’s allowed to feel things, and finally ignore what society has to say about her, Naoto becomes more like a rebel and Laelaps evolves to Fenrir.

I think that makes sense. Maybe.

I don’t want to make this part a separate thing, so on her Persona skills.

You can find a list of skills I’ve compiled from all the Persona games here. I don’t bother with the 8 skill slot limit because that requires too much work and I’m too lazy for that, and I don’t write a lot of action scenes with her Persona so whatever.

Laelaps only has the elemental skills, bless and curse, and one weak-medium physical skill and Ma/Rakukaja. It represents that Naoto hasn’t reached her full potential yet as a Persona user. At least, the lack of many physical skills (to me) conveyed a more... “refined” kind of vibe since these give me the impression that they can be cast from farther away compared to a physical skill. Fenrir gives her more physical skills and the instant kill ones, Heat Riser, along with a stronger attack stat because Naoto’s finally letting herself go feral as a treat.

I literally do not want to look at this anymore take it away from me.